#“makes it worse” due to being genuine but having an incomplete understanding of either the world or myself

[48787]

I really like the song Do I Make Myself Clear by Zalinki because it... sounds nice. No other reason, just a funky little song that fills me with... joy! It has nothing to do with anything else, no don't look at the fact that I've been playing Disco Elysium, that game just also has good music, no other connection.

[eeriestatic]

Varro's turn to get bullied

Does he have any lewd desires of his own or does he only mimic the energy of those around him?

What is an uncomfortable scenario with him? And how can it be prevented/mended? (e.g.: if one of his partners is feeling distressed, does he redirect those feelings and make it worse or does he try and calibrate himself/read the mood etc)

Under what circumstance would he feel cornered and lash out?

Does he get the urge to receive affection outside of other people's influence? Are those feelings genuine or manufactured? (more so directed to div Varro who mimics to be appealing to others, for what purpose shdg)

In theory, if his appearance wasn't so eagerly accepted and instead spooked div Shiro, how would have he reacted?

1 . Varro does have lewd desires of his own, actually, while he may seem to biorhythm everyone, that's not how he is and he is very capable of feeling independent things of his own free will. Varro is a bit of an incomplete well being and an almost malfunction for how inner workings are when it comes to emotions and such, his manifestation and how he works always revolved around that but it is something like autopilot too in a weird way since it helped how he energy consumes in lore. Dreams for example, I know I've explained it a bit back. It didn't really bother him, but in cases of Div and in Default, those are genuine means even if he is a bit straight faced still. Sure, he might not be too sure how to go about them, but he feels them and it would probably be thrown in your face when it really gets him so F to Default Shiro and Ez too fhjdfs

2. He'd genuinely try, even though Varro's logic it a bit damaged, he is aware of people in distress and even if he caused it. Emotions like those are stronger, but Varro wouldn't redirect and mimic that. He might not be good with words either, and his poor ability to express but he can sympathize and console to his best degrees and understand. Varro on those levels are a lot more stranger than how he is naturally, of course fhsff

3. Questioning his reason of being. It's mostly because, as well, Varro is very confused of himself and what is "right", in his head, and due to his exposure to the negative natures around him[both in Div and Default], but like I said, he is capable of indecency in his being and feeling, but the clashing error in the rhythm really flips his shit upside down. If you really want to stress him out, that's all you really need to do and it upsets him equally wheeze but with Shiro and his overall partners, he's at peace and comfort despite events in either Div and Default. Another example of independent feelings, is him feeling betrayed and cheated by Lios when he decided to give the promised book to the dupe, and acted accordingly to his oofies

4. He does have the urge to receive affections uwu They are genuine, but soft headcanons u: Varro found strange trust in Shiro and comfort in his presence, and inevitably clung to him, not just for his energy, but genuine comfort in being around him and even just watching. While he wanted affections from him, the urge to get closer because he too wanted to give Shiro something despite not understanding well of his before Theodore, situation, Varro was more scared in a sense too. He might not be self aware, but physically, he is, he was just a shy pup who feared the results for once but. His Div kinda follows his default\Scp gimmick. Really, he just hopes to be appealing to Shiro in Div case, but Theo too of course uwu we know heehee

5. Honestly, as 4 above, Varro is familiar with the feeling of fear coming off from someone else or other people who's just in mere passing for other reasons or just his energy need. He'd not like the spooked vibe from Shiro, since that would be the only time he truly cared or not if he scared someone. For real, he did feel a bit bad about Theodore getting caught in the crossfire and still scaring them both by his vague appearances before now. But in a solid moment of truth when it came to his strict appearance revelation, he'd probably feel genuine hurt since his goal was simply to give and show, and hope it didn't blow up in his face. Varro probably wouldn't do it again though or need some heavy reassurance, that insecurity backwash, or he'd try fixing, to appear better for them universally [my chars all shake hands in insecurity]

[bedlamgames]

Q&A #109

Today we have an amazing harpy, the never ending hangover, a statement on Whorelocks, and a bunch more.

[Anonymous said:] re: the Aruviel answer from the last Q&A: Thanks for the answer, and to be clear, what I meant by the chastity text variations is the ones where Toy With Them specifically talks about teasing their chastity, which I can get with slaves in chastity or slavers with the As You Like It belt, but not with Aruviel. (I even personally wouldn't mind if it occasionally drove her to distraction like the belt from As You Like It can do to a slaver, but I recognize that might be a bigger ask.)

 - Ahah, I get you. Sure I can look at that. 

[jamex590 said:] now sure if this is how you gut your bug report's or not but with the latest nohaven version sometimes when your smith make's a armour when you go to make a decicion on what to do with it it tell's you that you have no armour when you click on the armour i had that happen with 3 seprate armour's.

 - Here’s fine, also that should be sorted in the update I believe. 

[Anonymous said:] A slaver gold as camp bitch will be freely used by any other slavers but "make use of" still triggers the same "that doesn't seem like a good idea." Similarly you can't make use of a golem bedwarmer but they're still working away under your table when planning out assignments. Perhaps this may be intentional but it does seem kind of silly?

 - Dang amazed you were able to convince one to take either role. Will check that as you’re entirely right, cheers.

[Anonymous said:] Got this option on a Marauding levelup, both Agile and Clumsy: Choice 4: Jazel Dragongood - Ogre Female - Inexperienced Duellist - (Mon)(Str+)(Agi)(Fnd)(Sed)(Agg)(Clu)

 - Thanks for the spot. 

[Anonymous said:] A possible bug I noticed on No Haven 0.932, in that I ended up having a slave have a permanent Hangover set on her. The way I had it happen, was turning a slaver that obtained the enchanted pony gear (from the race mission) into a slave without having that gear removed. Once that ex-slaver became a slave, it wouldn't regenerate it's will naturally, and having a healer heal ended up giving them a Hangover that won't go away. You also loose the ability to remove the gear later.

 - Huh, that’s a very random very specific thing. Thanks for letting me know how they got there as that’s really helpful for working out what happened. Will see if I can recreate what happened. 

[Anonymous said:] Does putting a slave in a chastity belt actually serve a purpose? Even after locking an "innocent" one into one, it doesn't seem to stop slavers from sampling the goods after training.

 - Innocent isn’t just about physical virginity but a state of mind so any training after basic obedience it will be removed. 

[Anonymous said:] Is whorelocks officially abandoned?

 - Ooof, now that’s a question. Honnestly I don’t know? I’d not be happy if that’s the case, but practically yeah it kind of is. The whiplash of the reaction to the RAGS version (Highly positive) to Twine (fuck you, also why is this different game not exactly like another game) was dispiriting to put it lightly. Even more so as even content incomplete I personally think the Twine version is already far superior. 

It’s also a lot of a mess codewise. Was very much still learning when I first attempted to RAGS > Twine. Hell, even doing NH to Twine had a bunch of issues due to making errors in the conversion so you can just imagine what WR is like. 

There’s also that NH is waaaaay more popular, and takes so much of my time along with that getting a conversion too. Man I just hope history doesn’t repeat itself where suddenly things get so much more harsh when you remove the big barrier to entry that is RAGS.

Soooo, again I don’t know? Honnestly the best way to make it happen is to let me know there’s an audience for it still.

[Anonymous said:] Can you PLEASE look into something that will prevent slavers being sent out without assignments it's way too damn common and costs you a slaver or several and if one happens to be your leader your scrwed if nothing else an option to recall slavers from assignments as a workaround.

 - I genuinely have never heard of this issue? If you could let me know of an assignment that it happens on or ways to recreate it that’d be really helpful. 

Other than that RAGS is a finickity program so make sure you follow the warnings at the begining of the game which can cause serious issues. 

[Anonymous said:] I can't seem to find a way to start as a convent race aside from the unique scenario. Is this currently possible? If not any plans on adding that in in the future?

 - For now to play as Convent there’s the scenario, or losing your encampment to a Convent slaver. If you’re on the Patreon TF Edition however you can play as the scenario one in a regular playthrough, or start as the Promoted Slaver portraits which also include a Neko one. 

[From the patreon:] two questions 1- what happens if you ambush the ensnared rose rep 2- is there some kind of secret catch if you accept the slaver? :)

 -  1 that's purely there for RP purposes and 2 there's not (for now at least anyway)

[From TFGames:] Same. I really, really love No Haven, but RAGS is just so f***ing awful. I understand that converting it to HTML is impossible without just starting from scratch, but holy f*** is late game unbearable.

 - A conversion is well on the way to twine so hopefully you won't have to put up for it that much longer. In terms of progress technically everythings converted from what RAGS understands to what Twine understands, and I'm in the progress of making all that conversion actually work and having a workable UI.

[From TFGames:] And why isn't there an option to bribe the slaver with gold or first dibs on the slaves or whatever?

 - I do mean to add both of those sometime as an option. Likely when I expand bedwarmers so you'll have a slave immediately to hand to 'persuade' them with.

[From the Collective:] Not a bug per se but a funny thought: Slave - Kyurlina - Carakarr Harpy Female - - Examine

Name: Kyurlina Madclaw <==== Very appropriate name Race: Carakarr Harpy - Sex: Female - Status: Slave Traits: Flying - Seductive - Perceptive - Singer - Friendly - Werebear Condition: 84 Will: 78 Estimated Value: 189

A harpy flies in the sky Night Happens Oh It's full moon A bear falls from the sky

First thing to do: pick the aspect that makes you immune to wounding !!!!

 - Hahahah, that's an amazing win from the generation.

[From the Collective:] Magc Blight is negative despite Aspect: Unbreakable Honour that says it shouldn't

 - Given it was a Magic: Any check rather than Blight specifically I'm calling that one working as intended.

[From the Collective:] once again sometimes a re-roll  with probabilities under 90%[/quote]

 - That's the 1-100 roll being changed which is different from the probabilities. It first was a result over a 90 so you're getting a second go to get a better one thanks to the Watchtower bonus.

[From the Collective:] Deluge of Ooze - Rewards - New slaver acquired! - Zoe Valleyborn - Ooze Futanari - Inexperienced Lycanthrope - (Res)(Mon)(Tcl)(Slt)(Fnd)(Per)(Wer)(Lgl)

The Were Ooze 13 is still there !!!!  A blood curse on a Ooze needs explanations 

 - Heh, Were is well weirder than that and so a ooze were is totally viable.

[From the Collective:] Sky shaman I have a probability problem ... You add this slaver with positive traits and ends with bad probabilties

 - Any odds you see before the final odds are the 'in progress' ones using a different more free calculator, which is why it can go into minuses and the like, the final person you add locks in the final odds and so it that case where you have odds better than the caps it will make them worse even if they're contributing only positive stuff.

[From the Collective:] Some missions have Gown or Formal Wear (Oft:For) as positive factor but can't ask your camp to produce it or buy it at cutprice roses like with maid outfits

 - I've just got a commission done for an assignment where you will be able to do that, and that's also a good shout for Cutprice.

[From the Collective:] When the Week end comes  - Fel Tainted (Fel) assigned: +10% rejection chance applied Even with shadowplay aspect

 - Yeah it's a different check so doesn't apply. If it helps it's hard to keep the tentacles and the like hidden while in a short skirt and shaking pom poms  ;)

[From the Discord:] How common are wyverns, and are they related to the far more impressive dragons? :wondering:

 - They’re not exactly common, but not the kind of thing that would raise serious comment. They’re not at all related to dragons, and are pretty much just animals and not all that brave or bright either. They’re more big scavengers who look impressive, but aren’t up to much in an actual fight unless you manage to corner one and they can’t fly away.

[From the Discord:] Since we did get the Veil (:victory:), anything horny planned for this Year of the Ox?

 - Well Horned Ones already exist, and I’ve got no other bull themed races that could be added, and certainly aren’t already a part of the lore along with playing a very big part in WR. Nope no ideas whatsoever for what I could do for that. 

[From the Discord:] Since Convent sneks are coming, what would be the next more likely candidate race for dedicated Shallya worship? (Holy bunnies? :ohmy: :KaltMimi:  )

 - Oh man I’m getting flashback to when it seemed like everyone wanted a civilised city based Lago’Mae which completely and utterly clashes with their in-setting lore :D 

So definitely no convent bunnies. Other than that not sure. Theoretically could be any race which are on the more common side and have non-males in there. 

[bpcparents]

Intimate Connection Paves the Path to Independence

As parents of high school grads know well, that diploma doesn’t mean young adults have learned all they need to know to enter the wider world. Whether moving on to college or heading directly into the workforce, adult children continue to require loving guidance, and an empty nest doesn’t mean the job is done. Rather, it signals a new stage of parenting -- one that’s widely undertreated, incomplete, and imbalanced, but full of surprising and uniquely touching opportunities for deepening our relationships with our kids as we parent them into adulthood.

Conventional wisdom on parenting newly-adult kids (18+) emphasizes boundaries and exhortations on the importance of parents “letting go,” so that just-launched offspring discover independence. Focused on avoiding the pitfalls of helicopter and snowplow parents who micromanage or remove obstacles in their kids’ paths to a fault, much of the literature reasonably warns against stifling or controlling young people.

These are understandable cautions; after all, as even The Wall Street Journal reports, “Baby boomers are far more immersed with their own grown children than their parents were with them“ (13 Jan, 2019). Indeed, Karen Fingerman, a professor of Human Development and Family Sciences at the University of Texas, Austin found that “parents in the early 2000s offered about twice as much counsel and practical support (which could be anything from babysitting grandkids, running their grown kids’ errands or reviewing their résumés) as parents did in the 1980s.” To this, I would point out, however, that there’s nothing objectively better or worse about the relative merits of either generation’s degree of “immersion.” What we should be addressing is the quality of parental involvement after kids hit legal age.

IT’S PERSONAL My own observations as both a parent and an educator teach me that too much emotional distance can sometimes rob young adults of the intimate connection to trusted family that they need to effectively transition to independence. In fact, I would argue that the “holy grail” of independence has been traded out too often -- albeit inadvertently -- for estrangement and alienation, to the unnecessary and avoidable detriment of the very kids their well-intentioned parents aimed to serve by stepping back.

Impersonal contact can also occur as a result of parental discomfort facing what some people feel as the “awkward” areas of human development that accompany late-teens and early-adults. Emerging identity naturally takes that age group into territory that traditional cultural conventions consider taboo in “polite company,” namely: sex, drugs, politics, and money. But allowing space for young people to make their own discoveries and decisions is not the same as getting a free pass to bag out of what may be uncomfortable parenting responsibilities altogether. Suicide rates among youth aged 15-24 increased by 50% over the last decade in the US (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention), signaling the intensifying urgency to reconsider how we cultivate meaningful connection and sustaining ties that bind youth to the love in their lives.

SEX TMI? Get over it; young people need candor without judgment, and avoiding the topic has real health consequences, both physical and emotional. Whether or not they decide to become sexually active, as humans, young people are certainly sexual beings and need understanding to navigate effectively in integrity with themselves. The availability since 2006 of the HPV vaccine for kids as young as nine-years-old has offered the benefit of parents and kids matter-of-factly discussing sex as a health issue even before reaching double digits. Protecting a young person’s privacy on this front must be absolute. They also set the boundaries, but don’t necessarily wait for them to raise the topic and definitely don’t be squeamish when they come knocking for advice. The pervasive messages and misinformation on social media stoke fears and insecurities, increasing the necessity for sound, accurate, and trustworthy information. Consent is the watchword, and sons need protective guidance as much as daughters do.

& GENDER In fact, when it comes to the separate but related issue of gender, the younger population is way ahead of most of those of us currently parenting. Awareness and understanding about gender as a spectrum that transcends binary categories is vital and literally life-saving. GLSEN and Gender Spectrum are two leading national organizations that have accomplished progress across the country toward creating greater understanding and safety for students in increasingly gender-inclusive schools. Young adults are more advanced in their comprehension and conduct, so now’s the time to catch up, Mom and Dad!

DRUGS News headlines abound with dire statistics about the heroin epidemic in the US, but the American Academy of Pediatrics reports that the broad social acceptability of alcohol in typical households continues to make booze the nation’s gateway drug. Their data document that “physiologic vulnerability to substance use is aggravated by environmental factors, including the availability, promotion, and modeling of substance use behaviors” (AAPpubs, 2/2019). For example, children who initiate drinking before age 14 are five times more likely to develop an alcohol use disorder compared with those who initiate at age 19. A similar pattern is seen with both marijuana and the misuse of prescription opioid medication. Indeed, delayed substance use initiation into adulthood is associated with a substantially reduced risk of ever developing a substance use disorder, underscoring the importance of prevention and early intervention strategies designed to delay initiation and reduce substance use in this group. Nonetheless, the peak ages of substance use initiation occur during adolescence and early adulthood, and programs designed for adolescents and young adults are almost entirely absent.

The good news is that parents have it entirely within their control to limit their children’s exposure to alcohol in the first place by abstaining themselves and making home a substance-free zone. Sound extreme? It’s actually one of the fastest growing and most popular trends on college campuses across the US. Whether out of religious piety, personal preference, military duty, or because they’re recovering addicts, increasing numbers of entering freshman are competing for housing in substance-free dorms. Given the rising surge of a substance-free reality for university students, why not start the same at home?

MONEY On the financial front, young adults are usually still dependent, but many of them feel irksomely so. Of course, it’s possible to help without making them feel on the dole. Most healthcare plans allow parents to carry their children on their plans until the age of 26, but that doesn’t mean that the young adults themselves can’t contribute toward their share of the costs. Similarly with auto insurance and cell phone plans; gradually, they can contribute increasing amounts toward their portion of those key programs. Doing so educates them to real world expenses, but there’s no reason to lord over them any sense of feeling beholden. Don’t make them ask, don’t make them “grateful.” Engage them as partners, discussing details of available options. Model money as a river rather than a pot of gold to be won. Encourage them as agents who can make and manage the flow of money, not as custodians of fixed sums, which can feed a shortage mentality. Encourage them to earn, save, donate, invest, and spend wisely. And if that doesn’t work out, restrategize with them rather than shame them, so that they can recover a footing and work their way back to solvency. Co-banking is a great way to start kids out while they’re still at home, displaying all accounts in a online single window, and the practice paves the way to skilled credit, debit, checking, and savings management that can become increasingly independent.

POLITICS In this era of heightened political division, it’s especially important to model citizenship, curiosity, tolerance, reason, fairness, and commitment to due process. Spouting opinions does nothing to quiet the din of distortion on social media that surrounds our children’s generation; we owe it to them to demonstrate an allegiance to facts and a genuine interest in how they see the world and what they value. Ask rather than pontificate, and by all means get that absentee voter ballot in the mail on deadline!

CLOSING ABOUT CLOSE-ING Engaging our adult children at such deep levels in the very areas of life that people often feel most private about actually equips them with the self-knowledge and confidence to take fully independent strides into the world -- and into connection with others as well. Parenting is love, and love is personal. The poet Adrienne Rich wrote that ”it is a process...that breaks down human isolation.” The wellbeing of our young adult children depends on the willingness of their parents to engage in this inimitably intimate process because, she notes, “we can count on so few people to go that hard way with us.”

Elizabeth Messinger is a former journalist with NPR and The Economist of London. Through her educational consultancy, Mind in Motion, she guides children of all ages to think for themselves, and she teaches Humanities at an independent school in Stamford, CT. She raised her son in Bedford, where together they ran the Toddler Room at the Presbyterian Church for nearly a decade. She continues to parent from NY as he attends college in California.

[feralsrock]

Ya’ll I can’t emphasize to you enough how important it is to have a consistent and good work ethic while you’re in school or working a job.  

Cause if you have an even half-way decent professor, supervisor, boss, etc. they will be way more lenient and willing to help you or give you some kind of grace when things start going wrong and keeping you from doing your job/assignment.

Anyone who follows me may already know, but I’m animation student, and that I also happen to be stuck in a really crappy roommate situation that I can’t get out of.  I can’t get an apartment on my own cause I can’t afford it, and getting assigned to a different set of roommates would mess with me mentally and risk getting me suck with people that are even worse (both of which are the LAST thing I need during my senior year).

So while I’m stuck in this catch-22 of a living situation, I’m also having to juggle:

A contemporary art history class

A pre-production team project (which I’m more or less producing and making sure stays on schedule)

AND a solo animation project that has to be completed from concept to final animation in just 11 weeks.  

I’m doing OK on the first two, but that last one is giving me trouble.  I’m supposed to have all the storyboards done AND turned into an animatic by midnight tonight, but because of my roommates being so noisy and distracting I’ve been barely able to think.

I just know that there’s no way for me to finish up in time, so, thinking ahead, I send an email to my professor for that class, which explains that I’m unable to meet the deadline due to outside forces that I can’t control, and while I’m very regretful that I can’t finish in time, I will turn in whatever little I have.

And you know how my professor responded?

[[ Screenshot of a received email from my animation professor.  The name and any identifying words have been blacked out for the sake of privacy.  The professor’s response reads, “Completely understand and know how you work so it’s fine.  Just try to have everything done before next Friday’s class.  If you can do it sooner then I can critique it sooner.”

end of image transcript]]

HE UNDERSTOOD!  And pay attention to the language he used.  “know how you work so it’s fine.”  That means my previous work has shown him that I’m a diligent worker and he can therefore trust me when I say that something out of my control has been keeping me from getting my work done.

THIS is what a good work ethic gets you.  It’s like a reverse boy who cried wolf.  Instead of not being believed when there was a genuine issue (as with the boy who cried wolf), my good, consistent, and reliable work ethic means that my professors know I’m a good worker and wouldn’t be giving them excuses for late or incomplete work if there wasn’t a real problem.

So to anyone thinking of going to college/already in college, or in the workplace, the best possible advice I can give you is have a good work ethic (aka be the person who is actually meeting deadlines and is known for being reliable), and just be ready and willing to communicate with your professor, supervisor, etc. as soon as issues come up and you realize things either aren’t gonna get done in time.  Be willing to explain what’s held you up and caused issues (it doesn’t need to be super detailed, just enough for them to get the idea), and I can almost guarantee, if the person is in any way a decent human being they should be understanding and willing to work with you.

[cardiaceyes]

Supportive Wives prompt: Kara and Lena had a miscarriage early in their marriage. Maybe it could be a flashback, but the whole thing hurt Kara and Lena a lot, and Alex and Eliza were there for them every step of the way. Im asking this cuz my fam had an experience like that and idk maybe itd be closure for me... also one reason that alex focuses so much on alien biology is so tat she can help her sisters and prevent something like that happening again.

Firstly, I’d like to express my condolences. I probably wouldn’t write this if it wasn’t due to your request. I hope this helps you in some way.Secondly, this probably is not that good so I apologize.I’m putting this below a read more, as content might be triggering.

Read on AO3

“You’ve had a miscarriage.”

It was like shattering glass among the sleeping. Loud enough as it hit the ground to startle those in the room awake with a frightful breath. Like a broken mirror on a wall, giving you a cracked view of yourself and the world around you. It almost felt like the truthful view. It almost felt like-

Lena was the one who had offered to carry. At the time, L-Corp wasn’t hers, wasn’t renamed, not yet. The board was still trying to find someone suitable and she just- she had no interest in it other than the minor role she already had.

Kara had spoken of the idea of a child in passing, really, just for the future and the more Lena had thought about it. It felt right. She felt she could give the love a child deserved, she knew with Kara and Alex, Eliza, any child would have been loved so purely. The more she thought about it, the more she couldn’t stop wanting it.

Family was sacred on Krypton, Lena knew that, and she knew more than anything that Kara would be thrilled about the possibility. The idea alone. There was no solid plan, not really when she approached Eliza with the idea. Eliza had been concerned as they’d only celebrated their first year anniversary two months ago, but she knew that there was no one she could love more than Kara.

Alex had been home and positively thrilled at the idea of a niece or nephew, offering her help as well. Eliza had only smiled with genuine happiness and nodded. Whatever she needed.

The story, the process, it’s long. In short: Kryptonian information had been found, technology had as well, rushed in a way- probably due to Krypton’s unfortunate end. Still, it had been a solid beginning. An agreement had been set, make sure it was possible.

It was odd, but she thanked Lex for his obsession when she spoke to Kara about the possibility. When she answered Kara’s questions, with hopeful eyes, and when Kara had twirled her within her arms out of happiness.

She thanked Lex when Kara dropped to her knees and ever so gently kissed her stomach, letting out a string of promises in Kryptonese. She thanked her brother when her eyes filled with tears. She thanked him even on the days Kara would fuss over her, beg her to slow down, to be careful. She thanked him even when she found herself calling Eliza to talk to Kara about how not-so-fragile she was.

But as she’s come to understand of the world, nothing good lasts long. Not really. Kara teaches her, has taught her, it’s not true, but the day their world was shattered- it didn’t feel so true. Not really.

Lena doesn’t like to think about it, or the months she spent nourishing the life in her only to lose it. She’s blocked it out. Doesn’t think about it. Desperately tries not to remember it, unless she has to. A slow process to get through it.

So if you asked her how it had come to the words, she wouldn’t tell you. Not until she feels herself ready to speak about it. A rare occasion.

She just remembers struggling to sit up in bed, Alex pushing her back down, and a doctor informing her. She just remembers a hand coming up to her mouth, trying to muffle a sob. The doctor looked empathetic and gave them time. She’d turned to Alex and let out a sob. Her sister had crawled into bed with her and held her until her tears had dried.

She didn’t remember the drive home, she just remembered Kara’s hand in her own whispering words of comfort into her ear.

Eliza had wrapped her in a hug and guided her to the couch after, already made so she could lay down. Kara had taken her phone, called her in sick for the next couple of weeks, and was at her side again. Alex had let them be.

The next two weeks drawled on, and at times didn’t even feel real. Like she was just stepping forward. She grew closed, Kara had been there, and she’d been so angry at herself- she had been so devastated. It felt unfair. The world just kept taking and taking from her. Without questioning why it had to her.

She snapped, once in particular, at Kara. By the end of it, her anger deflated and she felt awful at the sight of Kara crying. Kara had stood there and taken it with her head down until Lena was done. She lifted her head, looking at Lena, and gave the fakest smile either had ever seen and whispered ‘okay. Before she left, by Lena’s request.

Lena had collapsed onto the floor in a mess and cried harder than before. She had been the pillar, the one she felt would never leave her, her strength and- she’d just sent her away. She felt she’d ruined them. What they had. It was supposed to be forever- they were.

She had been unfair. She felt like her mother.

She panicked and called Alex, giving her a tearful version of it. Making herself sound worse than she was.

Alex had told her to wait for her, that Eliza would talk to Kara, and she was coming.

Alex had come too. Walked in through the apartment door and found Lena curled in on herself, on the kitchen floor. She frowned, her heartbreaking for her sister. She didn’t know what to say, unsure if Lena would be willing to listen. Instead of talking or saying anything, she closed the door behind her.

She discarded her jacket and moved to lay behind Lena, arms wrapping around her securely. She kissed the side of Lena’s face, and let Lena cry and speak without interruption. She let Lena tell her how it was her fault, how Kara deserved better because what she had said equated her to her mother.

Eventually, Lena had let it all out, after weeks of bottling everything, trying to seem okay when she wasn’t- and she felt empty for the time being. Silence settled between them as Alex kept Lena wrapped in her arms protectively and hummed.

They didn’t move until Alex could tell Lena was falling asleep. It was then that she managed to move Lena back to her bed, promising her as she fell asleep Kara didn’t hate her. Lena was her Red Sun, let her feel so...human, part of her world. Kara understood but wanted to give her time and space.

Lena had only nodded and closed her eyes, shifting so her head was on Alex’s lap. Alex fell asleep combing her fingers through her hair.

Kara had given her wife space after that before a talk was inevitable. Lena begged her to just come home because she couldn’t live in a place that was theirs without her. They had talked. Lena had expressed her fears of Kara hating her for what had happened, her feelings, how she truly hadn’t been okay since despite how well put on her mask was.

Kara had been patient and listened, clutching her hand as tight as she could without hurting her. Kara had reassured her she could never hate her. Kara had told her what Alex had, that nothing that had happened was her fault, and that she was part of her world. Beyond important. She didn’t want to lose her.

It had been tearful, emotion-filled, but full of honesty. They were better for it.

Lena felt their strength had come from both Alex and Eliza. She didn’t what had gone wrong, but Eliza had given her insight and promised her nothing was her fault. Alex had come around when they needed her and crawled into bed with Lena, or had just been there. If Kara thought Lena needed space, Alex would keep an eye on Lena.

Months passed.

Things had found a new equilibrium a new pace. They would be okay. They loved each other more with each passing day.

Alex had taken an interest in alien biology, had studied it thoroughly, and she’d kept it a secret from everyone but her mother. Her mother understood. Alex was trying to find a solution, some way of keeping the same thing to happen again in the future. She felt the information from Lex had been incomplete, the scientists who had written it was unaware of different Kryptonian biology could be from human.

She didn’t want to see the same pain, the same heartbreak she’d seen.

Joining the DEO, working up the ranks, it had only given her more to explore and study. It had helped greatly, especially with access to the AI left to Kara. She wouldn’t answer to anyone but Kara, but there was more than just that. She had so much more insight.

The future was bright.

She could do it for her sisters.

She was going to.

So she studied, continued to in secret, continued to work on it, even as Kara became Supergirl. Even as Lena moved to National City to be with her sister and wife.

She could feel she was close. Every day she felt she was closer and closer. Lena and Kara deserved the future they saw, and she’d do everything in her power to help them achieve it.

J’onn knew. Whenever she’d ask for something more to help in her endeavor, he’d offer it without thought or question. His heart only warm at the thought of what she was trying to do. If anyone could figure this out, it would be Alexandra Danvers.

Heart of a lion, fierce and roaring for her family. She had hope.

She could do it.

[lealikestowriteaaaah-blog]

Memoir!

When this started, it was around middle school for me. I will state, I always considered friends a source of happiness out of everything else. So when I went to a new middle school compared to all my friends I was upset. I went from a mildly popular girl to feeling so alone. And with no one seeking interest into what I considered as a friend, I just ended up feeling even more lonely than ever. I just felt the need to be accepted like everyone else had, but I didn’t know how to speak to people. These feeling had grown worse over time. Not only that, my anxiety had gotten worse as well. I know anxiety is a natural thing, but I’m not sure how to deal with mine like others. All I could do was manage to barely manage to wake up each morning and crawl lazily day to day doing what was needed. I was just trying to make it through like everyone else. I would’ve loved to tell my family back then, but I felt like no one would understand along with the strange feeling that they would get mad at me. When I’d look around, everyone seemed so happy. How did they do it? I wish I could be like them. I will be like them. It was a nice sunny day, but on that day of school, everyone sat outside. The reason for everyone being outside was because another school was having a parade for their homecoming. Reino and I were sitting in the grass where we usually sat every year. No one else was around, and it was pretty warm. So I pulled the sleeves of my sweater as an attempt to try to cool down. I forgot, no one has seen my arms since I liked to keep myself covered up, but Reino was about to see. Seeing my arm, he went from happy to serious rather quickly. “Ai, what’s wrong?” It took a minute for the realization to kick in, but I tried to say things such as “It’s nothing.” or “Don’t worry about it.” I could tell he didn’t believe me, but I still refused to open up to him. Even if he was my best friend at the time. I wanted to tell someone how I’ve been feeling, don’t get me wrong. But I didn’t see the point, I felt bad, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t find a reason. That’s the best I could explain it within that moment of time. “Do you really feel that way or is it an act?” Reino looked at me concerned, his hand holding onto my arm tightly. I was on the verge of tears as he was studying what I’d done to myself. Not wanting to cry, all I could bring myself to do was awkwardly stare at him as happy music was loudly playing in the background. I couldn’t speak a word. He kept trying to talk to me, but I managed to do was push him away physically and mentally. I got up and looked down at him, I was simply upset. I was ready to just leave because I didn’t wanna discuss it any further, I didn’t need Reino’s help. “Ai, please talk to me, I just want to help you.” He looked up at me, getting ready to stand up from the grass. “I care about you!” Gee, if only I had a penny for the amount of times I’ve heard that statement. I couldn’t bring myself to believe it anymore. Reino was my best friend though, could I tell him how I’ve genuinely been feeling now? I was too scared of getting hurt again. My reasoning for not sharing how I felt had changed again. I pulled the sleeve of my sweater and sat down next to him again. I knew I had to say something quick, I didn’t want anything to be awkward between the two of us for the rest of the parade. We were supposed to be having a good time anyways.. So I thought quick, and placed my hand on his as I turned to him. “Don’t worry, it’s just scars now. I don’t do that anymore.” I smiled at him, and he gave me an obviously fake smile in return. We had held hands until the parade was over. And just like that we never discussed it again. Was it believable? Was it really that uncomfortable of a subject to approach again? I mean, he wasn’t the first person to see what I’d done. I did want help, I really did. I just couldn’t see my worth as a person, and I couldn't trust anyone anymore. Besides, I couldn’t understand why they got so upset at the sight of it. I understood why it would matter with anyone else because they get attention and they seem much more important compared to my existence. But why me? Why bother to talk to me now? That was my first lesson. It was night, because all I used to do was sleep to escape from reality. So I had woken up and was reaching for my phone from the table behind my bed. I sleepily stared at the messages I had received. And the person I wanted to speak to the most had messaged me. His name was Kaz. I, of course wanted to talk to him more so I had texted him back. I sat up in the middle of my bed, with my back against the wall. I quickly replied to each of his messages. Due to my lack of sleep, the conversation would be positive for only so long. We had a good chat and if I had to be honest, I always wanted to be with Kaz. But I was scared of being a bother. So he always had to send the first message. But before I could think anything positive to end that note with, reality had struck me again. My chest began to hurt and I was in my usual agony. I didn’t want to scare him off with how sad I was, but he was the only one I could trust. So when he asked me what was wrong, I spilled. I kept staring at my phone, waiting for notifications from him. “That doesn’t mean you’re not important.” “I’ll always be honest with you, I care about you a lot.” “You can always tell me what’s wrong.” I felt a bit better after that. Like, wow, someone I actually want is there for me. He was a source if joy for me. Me and him talked daily. I always came home from school, excited, ready to talk to him. Running down the stairs into the basement. I’d open my room door and sit on my bed, focusing on my phone and him. Even during the nights when I was sad, I completely relied on him for happiness. “What I did just say? You tell me bye at night and say hello in the morning. Then I’ll know you’re okay.” I was so negative, I didn’t want to make him mad so all I could at most was type away and ask, “Ok, so what if I don’t?” I waited nervously for his reply. “Then we keep talking.” I was happy. Those words meant so much to me, even if it was just a text. I had typed him goodnight and went to bed. When I woke up and told him hello as he wanted me to do. We’d talk as much as much as we could, I’d even try to help him if I could. But over time it just felt like he was tired of me. I was always scared of making him mad, so I never bothered to talk about it when he seemed so distant from me. We eventually stopped talking because he’d just avoid me. I regret opening up to him and becoming a bother to him to this day. There was my second lesson. Though I can’t particularly say I enjoy living, I started realizing I couldn’t continue living like that. I knew I couldn’t rely on people because they can’t truly fix me. It doesn’t help when I push them away when they just want to help. Along with that, I learned I can’t rely on people solely for my happiness. I struggled to learn that, but I eventually saw it and understood with time. I couldn’t find anything nice about me, no matter how hard I searched. I decided to seek advice. Hiding under the covers of my bed late at night I watched my favorite Youtubers for advice. “You have to learn how to love yourself. Whether it be avoiding saying a negative thing about yourself a day, or actually accepting compliments, you will slowly learn.” I stared at my phone screen, I couldn’t pay attention to the rest of the video because for some reason, those words had hit me the most. Like maybe I’m not as hopeless as I had convinced myself to be. I just have to try harder and with time I will get better. So I actually tried to use the advice from that video. Though I couldn’t find anything nice about my outside appearance, I did start appreciating what I could offer when I didn’t close people off. It definitely is much easier said than done, but I did want to try to help myself so bad. I was starting to become happier. It felt so good. I may not be much older from those times when that happened, but they did change me a lot as a person, I definitely am not the same as I was before all that happened. I understand everyone goes through phases and feelings such as this, it just bothers me that I wasn’t able to share my sadness and regrets with someone who I felt cared and would actually listen to my words. I may not regret what I’ve done as much as I did back then because I am better now. I have learned that I can either choose to pity myself and continue looking down at those events, or I can look forward and choose to let those events teach me and allow me to grow. You can’t fully rely on others for joy, but you can talk to them if you seek support. And if you need help, don’t push away people who care, even if it’s scary or doesn’t seem like it’s worth it. You will get better, I learned I can.

Reflection: I wish I could’ve written this better, I’m disappointed. I really do. Maybe I’ll rewrite it later? I’m not sure what else to say other than yeah, this did happen to me. There are much more serious topics I wanted to add, but since this is a school assignment I had to be more gentle than I wanted. Probably why I’m a bit more disappointed with this because it feels “incomplete”. Point is, we all have gone through different types of experiences in order to end up who we are today. Here’s just a few that I feel shaped me since I can’t add the major ones.