#“if i dont die now and feel better soon i will never think about killing myself again”

[m00ngbin]

Jesus is forcing me to be joyous 😐

[lady-ashfade]

A Son For A Son

´*: ･ﾟ⋆˒ Deamons Bastard!Reader x Yan!Team black. Pt.2

╰･ﾟ✧☽ first fic here.

╰･ﾟ✧☽ summary: the queen has given a order, and craving revenge you expect.

╰･ﾟ✧☽ words: 1k

╰･ﾟ✧☽ warnings: blood & gore, murder and death, reader killing, reader being her father, uncanon events, poison, I just needed to make this.

╰･ﾟ✧☽ DONT READ IF YOU WANNA BE SPOILED: reader does in fact kill aemond in this and idk if you are happy about it, I want his head to take to my queen.

“I want Aemond Targaryen.” she stood before the council covered in dirt and who knows what.

It had been two weeks since the letter about the death of Lucaerys had arrived and you all had been the worst for it. and ever since she searched and searched for a sign of truth, desperate to be wrong. that her sweet boy was alive. you knew he was dead and you wanted everyone to pay for taking luke. you wanted aemond targaryen to pay. you took anger out on the ones you could, or roamed the sky’s to get your mind off of things. you would not act without her orders.

The resemblance you shared to daemon was close and terrifying for your foes. just as you had the idea to fulfill her wishes, your father did too.

“I don’t know what you’re planning,” the sound of your voice made his shoulders fall and a smirk appear on his face, one you couldn’t see. a dark cloak draped over his shoulders and matched the same one across your frame. “but I have a better one.”

“No.” you glare at the back of his head. again denied something worth your talents.

“You can’t tell me what do to this time father.” standing your ground as his eyes turn around, a look he uses when he’s serious. and for him it was like looking into a mirror, you carved blood just like he did and loved getting to spill it. even for no reason at all.

“I have waited around for a task, and she has said she wants Aemond. I mourn the loss of my brother too, and you can not keep me from whatever it is that you think you’re protecting me from.”

Hundreds of men died at the end of your blade at night as you slip throughout the shadows. you were a slayer, a assassin who followed your own roles but loved coin and the game. a story to tell children to make them weep and fear the dark. so how could he still think you are not ready.

“I have let you do what you needed, patrol the blockade against my wishes. or fly alone when our enemies wait to make us weaker” he lectures, “and I will not let them take you.” for a moment you saw a regular father begging for his daughter to stay safe. you aren’t just a daughter now but a soldier in war.

“I would never let them take me,” you step closer and give him a smug look, “I am your daughter after all.”

Instead of going himself, daemon sends you, for the head of the copycat prince.

the castle gates are easy to slip passed with the help of a guard who shares your hatred for the hightowers. and many times, you slip into the keep without getting caught.

“Something told me you’d be here,” his eye glanced at you amused from the cough as his fingertips spin a coin. “It’s as if the gods made me stay here.” aemond unfolded his legs and leaned forward on his knees. many years you hated the way he spoke to you like a interest of his to be claimed like his bitch dragon.

“Then the gods agree you’ll die tonight.”

aemond waited for this moment to finally fight you. he wanted to win and keep you forever as a trophy, a wife who was like him and everyone feared without a doubt. he wasn’t a fool, you are a skilled killer and he needed to bring his all. and some skills stayed in the dark.

a slice in his chest, in his leg and cheek aren’t as bad as he thought when he had you pinned down onto the table. the cold feeling of metal as his hands wrapped around your throat was refreshing. you didn’t try and fight back as he took your breath because the fight was won as soon as it started.

And he should have known you couldn’t be this sloppy.

curling lips up into a devil’s smirk, looking into his eye he feels himself weakened and his grip loosen. the power of letting a man win and wiping all power from beneath their feet was riveting and a hobby. Aemond leaned back and placed his weight onto the couch while trying to keep composure. “You honestly think i wouldn’t have a plan? Make my own rules?” you raise a brow and rub the sore skin of your neck, inching closer while standing up yourself.

“Silent reaper is the name they whisper about me, come in quickly without notice. I always kill my enemies without them awake, but you,” you point and lean down as his eyes become bloodshot, “I want to feel the most pain. And I will enjoy it.” within a few minutes his body starts to leak its own blood. he was quickly taken to death of course, you couldn’t hear his pleads but you’ll satisfy with his death.

guards fall silent when they watch you walk through the halls they don’t even announce your name. white locks lace your fingers and the weight of his head was little and you look like your father with the proud eyes of what you did. the sounds of your footsteps cause the council to glance over but stay with shock. non of them expected to see that and much less out of no where. though, your father seemed pleased and chuckled at the sight.

“The head of Prince Aemond Targaryen, your Grace.” Walking past Jace you set the bloody head on the table as people gawk and flinch. “the poison was my idea, hope you don’t mind.” a second later you yawn of exhaustion and boredom. you look at rhaenrya as her eyes glossed with the revenge you took for her.

“If you’ll excuse me, the ride back was tiring and I wish to get back to my book.” bowing down you flash a “polite” smile and walk away to your chambers with pride and a hand rested on your blade. with everyone wondering what else you would do for the queen,

Your mother.

[ablobwhowrites]

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!

Also kinda thinking of the sad detective y/n idea I did and now I’m about to expose more angst I was hiding from you guys and adding more salt to your/n’s wound with this idea from @someone-named-adel and the original start of detective y/n’s angst arc started HERE so please enjoy my yapping session and also I promise I’m going to release a fic on this soon.

I imagine when y/n’s partner was killed. Y/n was the last one to leave the grave even when it was raining heavily, y/n didn’t wanna leave their side. Even at the hospital through the surgery and when they told him the news, it was like he was torn apart. Especially when it was New Year’s Day when he was to propose to them and how they talked about having a family. To find out later when y/n was trying to clean their, his apartment he found a letter that was neatly folded as he opened it was a letter that his partner wrote that told him that they were going to have their child and be able to have the family that y/n and them wanted for so long. They were going to give the letter to y/n when y/n was going to propose as well and this had y/n sob as he couldn’t save his love and now he lost their future, the life, the dream that him and his partner were planning. (In a alternative universe y/n saved his lover and was able to live a happy ever after with them and his child. I say as I'm dragged into rock myself back and forth in a corner)

And that sometimes in certain cases he has is when he sometimes has to be like a parental figure to some kids who have lost or need help to find their parents as some part in him tells him to protect the kid who needs help but he is still afraid that he'll have the kid die when he tries his hardest to protect them but that never happens. He it's just afraid of having kids and feeling that anyone who puts trust into him would get hurt or worse as even if he had no control of the situation, he'll always feel like he could have done something to help even when he couldn't have done anything to prevent this situation. Just for anyone he cares about, he wants to be safe especially having to see his lover die had given him more purpose to try help and protect more people even if it kills him.

But now to the silly and the brain rot

Also I was rewatching the justice league series and was the episode A better world and saw that they cared for our regular flash because the one in the other world died and I saw how panicked the other Batman was when he thought our world flash died so I was thinking. What if the opposite justice league also lost their y/n and basically went to take the y/n from our dc cause they are still alive. Just a little thought and also watched the Crisis on Two Earths: Crime Syndicate Earth. And thought of other world y/n who worked with that justice league from the crisis on two earths. I dont know, might to a more imaging part of it but yeah.

Detective y/n: "wow that was a great dinner. Well thanks for inviting me over but I gotta go back home now."

Bruce: "who said you were leaving?"

Y/n: "huh?"

Detective y/n seeing killer croc running straight at him like

Detective y/n: "good to be back at my job in gotham."

Romantic DC yanderes: "I want you."

Y/n: "what-"

Detective y/n: "well at least theres no more insane universes that try to harm this world.....what do you mean there's more universes?"

(bro is going to tweak when he realizes they get worse from here. But thats all today and if you'd guys like more than feel free to request more but right for now please stay healthy and drink lots of water and stay healthy guys!)

[mer-acle]

yayay (ok damn looking back im sorry this is quite the ramble/info dump)

ok so basically

after god games, apollo (the good brother he is) immediately tries to help athena, but zeus stops him. he says that if anyone attempts to help athena in any way they will end up worse than her AND that he will make sure to re-injure her to undo any healing she recieved (apollo did manage to heal her a little so and zeus Doesnt care that he hadnt told anyone that rule yet so he does in fact end up striking her again)

also, he makes it very clear that if anyone outside of the arena finds out what happened to her he will kill them

obviously athena is. very paranoid. and zeus is not one to find loophole exploitation amusing so everyone is very on edge and it's not exactly unreasonable to assume that helping her process anything or feel better emotionally (aka literally j talking to her at all WITHOUT insulting her) counts as against zeus' rules so she wont talk to anyone and they dont want to talk to her (bc of the rules, they dont want her to get reinjured and they dont want themselves to get injured, they do actually care altho they cant express that) (also idk if im going to add this, maybe zeus literally just meant no healing her, but he can't back down now that everyone's agreed that 'no talking' is part of the punishment without LoOkInG wEaK. i can make EVERYONE suffer if i want to)

and athena (who is definitely so very good at processing her emotions) is so paranoid about someone ELSE she cares about being hurt by zeus (thunder bringer flashbacks lol) """because of her""" that she literally will scream-beg anyone who comes within talking distance of her to leave before they get themselves hurt. and everyone is so shocked by seeing her in such visible distress that they don't even question it.

mEANWHILE back on ithaca ody has returned home and is very happy to see his family. telemachus excitedly goes 'and you will never guess who i met!!! i met athena!!! she helped me in a fight :D' and long story short ody finds out about the events of the wisdom saga tel was there for and puts that together with hermes' line at the end of dangerous and realizes that athena somehow got him off ogygia and that there was violence involved. and since ody is back on ithaca, that means what she left to go do is done right??? so they both start praying to try to figure out what's going on. athena knows ody and knows that he would definitely figure out that Something happened to her and that would lead to him dying so she is dead set on ignoring them. ody is half convinced that she actually hates him while tel knows for a fact that's not true and is more concerned that she's straight-up dead.

THEN penelope, smart woman she is, hypothesizes that maybe whatever athena did to free ody was dangerous and that immortals can't die so she's likely very wounded and will talk to them as soon as possible.

athena is watching them to make sure that something like this doesnt happen, at this point she's not exactly thinking straight and doesn't realize that penelope figuring things out herself =/= athena telling her, but also is so paranoid and mistrustful of zeus that she thinks he would kill her if she figured it out herself just to prove a point. (and also its penelope, so ody would actually hate her forever if she killed penelope, which yeah but she wouldn't be the one to kill penelope in this scenario but she has convinced herself she is responsible for making sure zeus doesn't kill anyone bc she has kinda always had to be the one keeping his anger in check so yay parental trauma)

athena is in a lot of pain esp after flying to ithaca and so worked up at this point so shes basically shouting at penelope to 'stop trying to understand bc everyone will die' and penelope is obviously very frightened bc a goddess showed up and started yelling at her without explaining what the problem even is (it is obvious to athena what the problem is. it is Not obvious to penelope, at least not in the moment). ody overhears this and sees her and at first goes 'why is she yelling at penelope WHAT' (wifeguy rage activated lol) but then quickly realizes that athena is basically crying and fully spiraling in a full-on mental breakdown, realizes something is Very Very Wrong, and tries to talk to her but athena panics that ODY is there now, yells something along the lines of 'STOP JUST STOP PLEASE' and then just leaves immediately.

i have more ideas but this is long enough already + also i have to go eat dinner

if u read this whole thing, ty for listening to me ramble :D

in summary, zeus successfully wages psychological warfare against athena

Gxizdtxuxdkdjfzjfxjfxjttitditzjfzjfxux

WHY

Just WHY

Biting my pillow

Oh poor baby

Crying

We must kill Zeus

The ithacan fam makes me so soft they care so much

I'm interested how (if whhhhjkmhij) this gets resolved cos I don't see any way out and that's so sad 😭😭😭

But yeah great job I'm gonna go sit in the corner to cry now, don't mind me

[starzzmissthesun]

drop the bartylus song explanations bestie (pls pls plssss plsplss)

Hiiii!!!! Sorry this a little late I've been a little busy the past couple days! This ones definitely gonna be a long one, but i might skip a few songs, so if their are any other ones you'd like to hear about lmk!! Some of these i associate with one of them in particular rather than both. The relation to them and the song is not necessarily what i interpret the song as, but just how it fits and relates to them!!! (also guys dont judge me for the music taste)

Trees-Mcafferty

So this one is very much like catholic/religious guilt, but is even just like being in a family and culture (like the purebloods, like the blacks) that is very very homophobic and strict. The first verse says "my mom was a christian, my dad is an alchie, i bet that he kills me", this to me is very regulus in the whole, walburga being someone who was brought up in a strict and 'be perfect' way, which she then puts onto her kids. And orion someone who is way harder on them, no room for repenting, just damnation. Though they both could represent this song, for they both had such controlling and strict home lives. I feel like it also, especially towards the ends of the song, talks about being different and "wrong" and a freak, feeling just so outcasted and trying to fit in, but never being able to.

If I Saw Him, Id Still Kiss Him-Mcafferty

This is veryyyy Barty's POV after Regulus died. It describes a house filled with ghosts and memories. Barty wishing they ran away instead "Lets go to italy, just you and me, i think wed really like it there", thinking that maybe regulus wouldnt have had the fate he did if they left the whole war behind. It describes the depression and loss of self/hope throughout the rest of this war. The verse from "took a picture of a picture" to "Get to New York for the sunsets" to me, describes how regulus had a different relationship to him than anyone else. I mean this song to me is especially sad if you think of it as they never really got together it was just an almost/what if?

Blue Eyes Like The Devils Water-Mcafferty

This is another Barty POV song to me, but its overall just a description of them being in bad situations and them falling for each other was just making everything better and worse at the same time. This shows how they were kind of raising themselves, both parents ignoring them so long as they do what theyre supposed to. It's just the two of them kind of deal.

The Lions Den-Mcafferty

Another song about them going down together, Barty POV again too. He sees Regulus falling more and more into this dark obsession and going down together. I especially think of the lions den as The Cave, especially in a Barty went with him Au. Him watching regulus getting pulled down everywhere, in his dreams, in real life, hallucinations. "I still remember his eyes on mine" The guilt consuming him, wishing he went with him too. Going crazy because of it "Let me break, let me slip to the bottom of this hill, let my body fall into the pit, into the lions den" and "this is just a bad dream, everybody wakes up soon" convincing himself its not real, that one day hell wake up and regulus will be ok, so everything is. Or the "waking up" is death, he wishes to fall under the water aswell, to die, to be at peace with regulus.

Alligator Skin Boots-Mcafferty

This song is regulus when he's had his change of mind, when he's decided to sacrifice. It starts with him kind of comparing himself to his parents and their complacency and their being messed up. Then from "Im cold to the touch" to then end, is him in the cold waters dying, for his friends who are now in the order, and hoping the others will be safe once the war is over, too.

Pine Point-PUP

Ok so this ones very special to me for them! To me, its them both looking at each other as they go their own way once they've lost each other in the war. "where i kept my eye on the prize, it was you" Barty going crazy after loosing reg, Regulus seeing barty get more and more into the death eater stuff right as he is changing his mind. They have such a intertwined history and memories. Now they're both praying they're doing right for the other, and that the other is doing something right. Bonus points for this song: mentions of loosing an older brother, also just like an awesome breakdown riff.

Just gonna saying im not gonna go into the pheobe bridgers ones rn cause soo many of her songs are them (specifically reg's pov in my mind) but if anyone wants me to, lmk.

Geyser-Mitski

This is the yearning for your best friend song!!! Like just being like, "is this not enough? i have everything, yet i still want to be more with you" To me, its so them cause of the "ive turned down every hand that has beckoned me" cause i think they never would even consider being with anyone else, its JUST the other for them. And also "I will be the one you need, i just cant be without you" is their obsession and need to be with eachother, and the way they idolize each other, the need to be congruent. The whole song just describing a love so strong it builds up inside you, it calls to you, but pushing it down ruins you from the inside out.

Old friend-Mitski

This is in a scenario where they've broken up(which would never be by their choice imo). Idk i feel like if they ever broke up, itd be similar vibes to these lines: "I havent told anyone, just like we promised, have you?" "everytime i drive through the city where youre from i squeeze a little" "Ill take anything you give me". Do you see the vision?? Drowning mention too!!! It's more of a mentally/emotional drowning(like in depression/insanity, etc). in my mind the "someone whos loves me now, better than you" would be less of a literal statement, and more of a hope or a wish. Like they each would be unable to be together because they each have to be with a person who is "better" for them, since they enable each other to be really themselves. It's denial that they actually want the love the other gives.

Me and my husband AND two slow dancers-Mitski

Literally regulus as he's drowning in the cave. He's remembering barty, all of their shared memories, and praying that theyll "stick together" like they always have. Two slow dancers, maybe his afterlife. Or his last thoughts that lull him to "sleep". In the chaos of the hands and air squeezing out of his lungs, hes brought back to a memory of them. They both wish they could go back to before the whole mess, "to think that we could stay the same" hes criticizing himself for hoping the two of them could join this war and stay as they were.

I will-Mitski

ok, picture me this: regulus lives AU!! Maybe Barty went with him, or found him, or reg goes to him after the cave, but nonetheless!!! He's weak, hes scared for defecting, theyre both at odds. But all Barty can do is take care of him, and reassure his fears, though he, himself, is feeling those as well. Just like listen to the lryics:(((

Crack Baby-Mitski

This is Regulus watching Barty get more and more obsessive over Voldemort, as he's slowly doing the opposite. Reg knows Barty doesn't notice and doesn't know why he craves this approval, but Regulus does, he can tell. "With wild horses running through your hollow bones" that father figure voldemort is to barty is something he need so bad, its unstoppable. Just like that, dark magic, the murder. He caught a taste of it, and he can't go back.

Once more to seeyou- Mitski

(starts shaking) They can't be seen together, not just the homophobia of the time, and pretentiousness of their families, but their families hating each other. "but with everybody watching us, our every move, we do have reputations" GOD tell me that's not them!! They are both in such "important" families, for two opposing beliefs, that taught them they must hold themselves to high expectations to keep up the family name. Everyone's eyes are on them both!!! Rumours start easy!!! "and felt the taste of you bubble up inside me" Having so much love for each other, but having to hide it!!! It destroys you!!! Having to hide your emotions and wants not just in public, but to your family as well, and just wanting and yearning for the fairytale domesticity!!!

Im your man-Mitski

Everyone's like, this is barty to reg. NO!!! Its regulus to barty!!! REGULUS was the one who grew up in the pureblood culture/beliefs, he might've been the one to convert barty, to introduce him to it. i could quote the entire song, but i wont... BUT!! This is, to me, Regulus towards the end of his life. He's changed his mind, and now he sees how he destroyed Barty, how he guided him to voldemort, and told him all of his beliefs. How, in his old, skewed view of the world, he was "turning" barty away from what he now saw as the right way. He wishes barty chose someone else, who wouldnt've done that. And now, standing at the edge of the water, he can feel his death, his fate coming close. He knows that it was his choice to be so horrible. And now, after leading barty astray, hes leaving him there, hes betraying not only voldemort, but the love of his life.

The frost-Mitski

Barty's all alone. All of his friends are dead, his family is gone, regulus is missing and betrayed him. "youre my best friend, now ive no one to tell, how i lost my best friend" he not only lost regulus, he lost the only person who would truly know how he feels about it. He feels resentful towards regulus, not for betraying him, but that he was never told!! did he forget? did he think he wouldnt understand? Did something change? Did nothing change and he never really knew Regulus like he thought he did? Should he have seen it coming, but he was to busy pretending everything was ok? "but me, i was hiding, or forgotten"

Heaven-Mitski

Either one of them POV reminiscing over the last time they were together, regulus before his death, and barty after regulus' death. Equating their love to heaven, the love they have for eachother is religious. Very love song by LDR. Both sensing their fate coming near, the calm before the storm. Regulus knows hes going on a self sacrificing mission, and barty knows his mind is unraveling quicker and quicker as the days go on.

When memories snow-Mitski

"and if i break, could i go on break? be back in my room, writing speeches in my head" Barty is crazed with guilt, hes breaking. Hes replaying the last conversation, moment, argument, touch, glance, anything he had with regulus. Looking for anything different he could have done instead that wouldve changed the outcome. His memories are mixing together, he cant remember what actually happened and when. Those memories snow and they obscure his view of reality.

Early sunsets over monroeville-MCR

STOP!!! Barty is grieving!!!! "running away and hiding with you, i never thought theyd get me here." him staying down low enough that he wasnt suspected to be a DE, he ran away from his dad to be a DE. He thought they could never find him, and now his soul is close to being taken from him, til hes nothing. all he has left are jumbld memories. "but would anything matter if youre already dead? and should i be shocked by the last thing you said?" The betrayal means nothing, for regulus is dead, who is he supposed to be mad at? and maybe he shouldve seen it coming, maybe there were signs. He can never go back. "and in saying you loved me made things harder at best, and these words changing nothing as your body remains" Regulus loving him makes the hurt only worse, and admitting that to himself hurts even more. No matter any scenario in which he said something different, where he begged regulus not to go, or that hed leave with him, or they never joined in the first place matter, because regulus is still dead, his body is still at the bottom of that lake.

Living legend-Lana Del Rey

This is Regulus POV!!!! He worships Barty, he idolizes him. "..all the things you do, and the ways you move, send me straight to heaven." He regrets never telling Barty just how much he loved him, and he regrets having to betray him "and darling i never meant to defy you" This is set to me, once again, once hes changed his mind and is going on his mission. "I never meant to be bad or unwell, i was just lving on the edge right between heaven and hell, and im tired of it." trying to balance how he feels about barty once hes switched beliefs, he still is utterly devoted to barty and loves him, but they now have these huge opposing beliefs. and he cant help but blame himself. That part right after the last chorus that is just "why?" over and over and over again.

Mojo Pin-Jeff Buckley

This song is literally describing still feeling your lover there, long after they are gone, and feeling conflicted about how you should feel. "Dont want to weep for you, dont want to know" maybe barty is conflicted, he doesnt want to know what happened to reg or why, he knows he wont like the answer. he doesnt want to accept regulus is gone, and he doesnt want to accept why hes gone. "oh the welts of your scorn. my love, give me more, send whips of opinion down my back, give me more" Barty has now changed his mind, he realizes that he would rather know, he would rather regulus had gave him reason, then he couldve gone with him, and maybe he wouldnt be dead. As long as he's still getting something tangible from his lost lover.

Oh my GOD!!! go listen to ghost of you by My Chemical Romance, every single lyric is barty after regulus died, im not doing this one, cause id have to to just say every line, but PLEASE look at the lyrics and think of them!!! JUst some of the lines are: "if i died wed be together", "all the things that you never ever told me", "ever get the feeling that youre never alone?", "And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me" like please somebody help barty!!!

Yours, mine, hours-mcafferty

So, first of all, this song switches from regulus' POV to barty's at the lyric "and i wrote all of my songs..." just to be clear. Regulus wants to be the perfect son for his family, and he takes it too far in the process. "and you are innocent, at least you wish you finally were, you gotta keep your head up, but not too high, cause youll lose sight of what youve got" He doesnt realize barty is in the DE stuff just as deep as himself until hes changed his mind. "and im sorry, my love, that i ruined what we had" hes betraying barty, hes abandoning them. Then every line from bartys POV is just perfect. "he says 'i miss my brother, but hes not coming home, and i know that hes better, so its tie to grow up'." i mean COME ON? "you were my best friend, so i will love you 'til the very, very end" They both have so much guilt and regret and have wronged each other, but they still cant bring themselves to hate each other.

Anyways! im done for now!!! but if anyone wants my thoughts about them (about anything really) in relation to a song lmk!!it doesnt have to be angsty! also sorry if this is long and doesnt make sense:/

[botanybulbasaur]

love through fiction

stuff below cut because its just stuff im writing while i cry

a quote i keep remembering over adnd over and over again is tahta stupid "the love was there and it changed everything. if you even care" quote because. i dont like change. i like having positive impacts on people but i dont like when i change or when they change. it feels like im losing something, an aspect i cant gain back, a feature that people mightve counted on me for. even worse sometimes, it can feel like im losing people.

so its easier to just ignore change. act like the love and the hate is the only thing that changes, not time. act like we, humans, control how long we have and how the world changes what we love.

but we don't, and we never will. the world will keep spinning and the people will keep changing against their will, against the beat of their hearts. but the fiction i keep reading

it keeps sayingt hat the love doesn't need to change anything. the love being there in the first place is a miracle, a gift, proof that we mean something and that our actions give us something. thte change was there and it made love if you even care.

'slay the princess' does a good job at taking just what i fear and placing it before me. how terrifying it is to be the one who changes, and how terrifying it is to see people change before you. but despite that everybody tried to work together. the love was there. the love was there and it told you to try and change something

then there's the love that transcends change. dragon maid be damned because kobayashi (human character) tells. uak. tells this teenage dragon character "i am. im lying to you. im trying to charm a chaos dragon with sweet lies" after the teenager tells her that she's just a human and she'll die and she's inferior and she's lying to her dragon girlfriend. i think its been a while my memory is shitty. and the girl didnt leave her side later on when she was in bed for a while. she knew that kobayashi was ignoring their differences, keeping it stacked away that theyd die at different times and i cant stop crying. the love was there and it told you that you dont have to change anything. the love was there and it told you that to be happy you have to ignore the change sometimes

amd TOHRU (kobayashi's gf) dont get me fucking started. her short monologue in the train ride back home about how kobayashi will die soon but shes just trying to enjoy what she has now. her conversation with her dad knowing she'd get hurt when kobayashi dies, following her near breakdown just thinking of kobayashi dying. the love was there and it told you to hold on and slow down, that the change is later, you don't have to be scared yet. it's okay, the love says, because it was there.

last but certainly not least dunmeshi. i know i usually bring up marcille here because i resonate with her but i want to bring up senshi and his backstory. like youre telling me he too feels guilty about his family (i know theyre not related to him shut the fuck up theyre family thats what family is) sacrificing for him but it gave him the inspiration and the courage to be who it was. the love was there and it changed me from the inside if you even care. the love was there and it changed me for the better. the love was there and it saved me

yeah im just crying now. the love was there. the love was there and it meant cooking and exploring and selling your desires to the nearest demon and it meant befriending people you'd outlive by a couple hundred years if you even care. the love was there and it made more love despite the change if you even care. the love was there the love was there im jfn,. :( THE LOVE WAS TEHRE. THE LOVE WAS THERE

the love was there and it made kobayashi risk her life for tohru. the love was there and it made laios, marcille and chilchuck risk their lives to kill the red dragon and get fain back. the love was there and it made toshiro wander deep without food to try and find someone who exhibited warmth. the love was there and it made laios and toshiro really become friends because the love was in us all all along wasn't it. the love wasn't because of change the change was love. what made us what changed us was love. what we all have that leads us forward, even in fiction. god i need a minute.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for not talking to my sister?

we both currently live in the same house with our mother and youngest sister, who is in elementary. the sister i don't talk to is about two years younger than me. dont want to give exact ages but we are both early adults now. we haven't spoken in about six years, just small talk that is mostly just me giving her a message or asking if she wants something to eat.

now, i stopped talking to her because we got into a fight because i told her she could not hold my little sibling (at that time my mom was the only one working and i was the one caring for my three siblings, including the eldest who is disabled, and i was the only one who knew how to care for a baby.) and she told me basically to die. and a lot of her words were just stuff she was repeating from my mom who has like this weird thing against me since ive been young, never really knew why. she would yell at me in front of my siblings and still does sometimes, though not as much since shes older. anyway, i didnt speak to my sister for about two weeks because of that and also it was not the first time she spoke to me in such a hurtful way, until some family members noticed and scolded me for it being as i am her older sibling.

i didn't feel like what she said was right but eventually i realized i do love and care for her so i did try to make it up by walking her home from school and hugging her and buying her snacks from the gas station that was near our house at the time. but i guess my actions afected her and ever sense she had no interest in speaking with me, which my mother does still constantly blame me for.

i feel bad and i did try many times to fix things and even still currently although i know she doesnt care for me i do little things for her. but she doesnt want to talk and at this point i don't feel obligated to even want to keep trying to mend our relationship when she doesnt even care.

then recently things kind of went bad, which i won't go too much into detail about, but she ended up going to a mental hospital for a few days for running away and threatening to kill herself. and she made some comments about me to my mom saying that i didn't care about her and its my fault she did those things, which my mom agreed. then she came home after begging my mom to get her and pretended as if nothing happened. i soon found out from my eldest sib (who this sister is closer to) that she only did that in hopes that she could get somethign from my mom but idk what and why she even mentioned me because then some people came around asking me if i abused her or anything and why i didnt talk to her.

but it made me angry and hurt since i have been working to be a better sibling even in this awful household, ive been trying to treat my baby sibling better too so at least she knows she's loved and not alone. i am working and going to school while she (sibling i am not talking to) gets to sit at home. i get her gifts and she doesnt even thank me. i still love her even though she hates me so much, even though i know she was just manipulated by our mom to feel that way about me. and for her to say that after ive constantly tried to be there even when she didnt want me it just hurted.

now i am so tired and im preparing to leave the house because i cant do it anymore, although i would hate to leave my younger siblings with my mom. and i think i will give up trying to mend our relationship, because i thought she could change but its becoming to much and i cant be here. i know i should not have stopped speaking with her and i regret it, but i feel like my efforts over the years should be acknowledged too.

and i just need to know am i a bad person for feeling this way? should i even keep trying?

What are these acronyms?

[alexanders-pokemon-adventure]

A little rain in every life must fall

Trigger warning themes of depression and themes suicidal

Derek Dagda

In the hospital Alexander was being cared for at Derek sat in a Secluded hallway and thought. Sera tarot reading had no been a clear and undeniable sign that they would succeed he wonted and alexander continuing to worse state was … deeply apparent to derek. Alex is wasting, derek could feel it . Sense a steady waning in for lack of any other Terminologies Alexander’s life force , knew sera and the professor could feel it to in their own strange way as Well. Derek Understood undeniably that the situation was bad but A selfish and unreasonable part of himself felt resentful of Alexander’s family for coming. Their large family have been coming in shifts for the last week. Derek felt it was like they were saying goodbye like they were saying it was already over. it made some Incoherent raging part him want to scream “ ALEX IS NOT DEAD WHY ARE YOU CRYING LIKE ITS OVER , WHY ARE YOU CROUNDING THEM , ALEX DOSENT LIKE BEEING CROWDED”

But…he wouldn’t .Maybe 19 year old Derek Fresh out Of their apprenticeship and angry would have but 28 year old Derek would not. It was the truth that alexander may die soon and their family has the right to be here .

“Needed some space ?” Sera ask as she leaned against next to him

Derek side and nodded”yes , I wanted to think”

“ anything specific” she prodded

“ I don’t know” and A soft sigh was all Derek could muster , there was so much to think about. Their plan to help Alex was still painfully theoretical, Victoria, we’re still out there doing gods know what, alexander’s family had questions that none of them seem to be able to answer satisfactory and then their was Nimbus alexander’s Castform that while they had not been rendered comatose in the greenhouse incident had clearly suffered some kind of damage to their cohesive energy matrix that remained abnormal even weeks after the fact . And then there was. Sara didn’t allow him to finish the thought

“ thinking about the card, Derek ?” Sera asked handing him the The seven of cups

her uncanny ability to hit the nail directly on the head was some thing that used to shock Derek. But after a few years of being friends, with a psychic, the novelty of such things, begins to wear off.

“ it didn’t go unnoticed by me that your face Took the place of the oracle or the lover “ she said “ so i know you two have been a thing for a while bbuuuut I’ve noticed you two have never made it official ?” She said more as a question. Than a statement

“Hmm have you now , didn’t you also say that the images might not be literal , that they may just represent alex imagining the future, not the actual future” derek was deflecting . And he knew it .

“ your going to make me ask, aren’t you” sera said as a statement

“ Someone less nosy wouldn’t ask at all” Derek responded also as a statement

“ Well, Alex and I are best friends and you and I have been friends for the better part of a decade. Also, I’m psychic nosiness comes Prepackaged with all my relationships, unfortunately . So im asking why Aren’t you and alex together ?”sera said

Derek knew the answer “ because alexander doesn’t want to, I’ve asked they said no “ . Sera seam Genuinely shocked by that answer “ they said no ?”

“Not in so many words but it wasn’t yes , Sera “ derek answered “ i dont think alex want that kind of “ he paused Searching for the right words “ i dont think Alexander want a serious romantic relationships anymore ,not after Antonio”

Sera was Silent for a long moment after that and derek wondered if she too remembered the day the Titan slayer killed alexander Five closest friends, and lover , Remember, the weeks that followed when she literally found Alex on the ledge of the starlight tower ready to jump. How when we and their family got them to the Mental health facility ,alex looked so hallow ,so lifeless. Derek knew alexander treatment at that Facility had help them grieve and work through the pain and trauma. help them decide they no longer needed and it was no longer healthy for them to be a Ranger. That it help Bring them to a place where they can feel joy again…but

“ i dont think after Antonio died and Alex stated getting better that they want that kind of relationship again”

“Hmm i had hoped that after four years , that after all this time … that maybe you two would be able to make it work “ sera said

Derek knew because it was sera that her comment was not meant to hurt him or question his Resolve but an actual hope for his and Alex’s happiness. After all, she was one of the few who knew that before there was an Alexander and Antonio, there had almost been a Derek and Alex. But that was along time ago What they had been then in their ranger Apprenticeship days was in the past No matter how much Derek wished it could be his and Alex’s future. Alex would have to want it to and he did not believe Alex Did.

“ you don’t think Alex doesn’t want to because of Antonio do you? . Alex has know that Antonio would’ve wanted them to be happy and to find someone else?” Sera ask

“ I dont know Sera, i think they know logically that Antonio only ever wanted them to be happy . But knowing in your mind and knowing in your heart are not the same thing . Besides alex may just not want or Prioritize that aspect of their life anymore poeple change “ derek said

Sera and Derek stayed silent for long moments in that quit hallway

“Derek i don’t think your face being on the Seven of cups was a coincidence , just like I’m certain our presence on the five of wands wasn’t one . I think your presence in alexander life acts as a nexus of possibilities just like all the other symbols on that card you draw them towards different paths. I think you should tell them when they wake how you feel and what you want and even if alex says no at lest you both will have your Answers and will be able to make choices from there.”

“ but what if they say no?” Derek ask a hint of desperation in his voice

“ then you’ll know alex cant give you what you want and if they cant , you deserve more than an Unfulfilling Situationship with your best friend of over a decade Derek. It’ll suck for a while but it will pass and you both will be better for it.

Derek thought it was terrible to hear unasked for advice that was completely correct , but what did he expect being friends with a Nosy psychic.

[soupdeewoop]

Favorite lines from “The Secret of Us” 🌸

crossed lines, past lives, clear vision

held my breath for your reaction like the first time that we happened

we were fightin’ more than laughin’, black and blue, mm

fell hard then i lost your interest

all my friends they tried to stop me wanting you but i was never meant to listen, not until i found a reason

felt good about you til i didn't you felt nice for a bad decision felt good about you felt good about you

really got me thinkin, future plannin’ for no reason there were nights i skipped out sleepin’ cause of you and i had less than half of somethin’ what you gave was what i wanted til i realized i felt fuller without you

felt good about you til i didn't i felt good about you

look at me now said i wouldn't do it, but i hunted you down

you can just talk, and i'll stare at your mouth it could be bad, but i wanna find out

and i feel like i could die cause you're not here

god, im jumping in the deep end its more fun to swim in heard the risk is drownin’, but i'm gonna take it i'm gonna take it

isn't it fun? thinking im right when i'm probably wrong

you cant even speak but i think that its sweet yeah, i think that you're sweet

with the light on and you're not here

god, i'm actually invested haven't even met him

classic

i'm gonna bend ‘til i break  i wish you could hold me here, shakin’

why aren't you here in my bedroom? hopelessly boring without you

too soon to tell you "i love you" too soon to tell you "i love you"

wish that i was kidding i'm not, and i hate it

you're the risk, i'm gonna take it

i cut the rope and you fell from the tower i let it go for my peace of mind bit the bullet, it didn't hurt but i still hate the image of you kissing her chalk it up to "its all for the better"

are your conversations cool, like are you even interested? i know what you are, brighter than the stars tell me if she takes you far far enough away from all the baggage you've been carrying up another hill to all the girls who'll help you bury it they're just blowing smoke, i'll say what they won’t i know everything they don't

i sleep alone, im completely fine

if she's got a pulse, she meets your standards now? you feel nothing and yet you still let her

but i bet you're at her place right now you couldn't point her out in any crowd

and i find your books pretentious now at the time they'd fed the fantasy i was so impressed at your hotel took a drag and read aloud to me

and i bet you think about me now when you should be sleeping

and i know, i know, i know, i know and i know, i know, i (hey, hey, hey, hey) and i know, i know, i know, i know and i know, i (hey, hey, hey, hey) and i know, i know, i know, i know and i know, i know, i (hey, hey, hey) and i know, i know, i know, i know and i know, i

two augusts ago i told the truth, oh, but you didn't like it, you went home

i like to slam doors closed trust me, i know its always about me

two summers from now well have been talking, but not all that often, were cool now i'll be on a boat, you're on a plane going somewhere sane

and i'll have a drink wistfully lean out my window and watch the sun set on the lake it might not feel real, but it's okay, mh

cause that's just the way life goes i push my luck, it shows thankful you don't send someone to kill me

you were the best but you were the worst as sick as it sounds, i loved you first i was a dick, it is what it is a habit to kick, the age-old curse i tend to laugh whenever im sad stare at the crash, it actually works making amends, this shit never ends im wrong again, wrong again

the way life goes joyriding down our road lay on the horn to prove that it haunts me

hope that i don't, won't make it about me  i love you, im sorry

it felt just like a joke im sure you dont know were talkin’

i know your ghost i see her through the smoke

and if history’s clear, someone always ends up in ruins and what seemed like fate becomes "what the hell was i doin'?"

babylon lovers hangin’, lifetimes on a vine do you miss mine?

wonder if you regret the secret of us, us

it felt like somethin’ holy like souls pleadin, so it felt like what i've known you're twenty-nine years old so how can you be cold when i open my home?

give it ten months and you'll be past it (you'll be past it)

that night you were talkin’ false prophets and profits they makin’ the margins of poetry sonnets you never read upon it

the curse of a miracle, curse of an oracle youre incomparable, fuck it was chemical you (you) plus (plus) me (me) was

mistaken for strangers, no way in us, us the pain of the rain of the fain of us, us

the outline, well, sometimes do you miss us, us? (us, us, us) the best kind, well, sometimes do you miss us?

no, i know i'm a walking contradiction and it shows

and i've never craved someone's attention as much as yours, thought i should mention that

 i bet all my money that i will lose to you and hand you my life

dont love you yet, but probably will turn me into something tragic just for you, i let it happen

i lack context so i've made up all these lies it's the only thing that helps me sleep at night

and now i'm looking in the mirror you made me vain, i can't believe i have to be heard

here's to hoping you're worth all my time (ah, ah) i might barely know you, but still

you've turned all my skies to pouring rain locked me out the house again is this how you see me now? im reeling and i might break the windows, let myself back in lost it for a minute there get my shit together, its whatever, but i could die knowing that you're probably out somewhere while i'm in my underwear eating through my feelings, i'm still reeling, but its fin oh, thank god that you're not seeing this i'll spare you from everything if you would still have me, i'll be waiting all my life oh-oh

whatever, i let it happen whatever, i let it happen whatever, i let it happen i let it happen

i took a train to boston and i wanted to cry

i'll date for like a summer and i'll leave when i'm bored this train is full of strangers but i might like him more

when i left him there to feel it couldn't guess when i'd be leavin' for

no chance i waste my twenties on random men not one of them is cooler than all my friends

i feel like i'm home, there's a bar down the road i'm wasted with the sister of a boy that i met through someone back in college, she's a weird intellect she liked to tell the truth and she was harsh but direct her boyfriends all left, she had that effect

but that's just tough love and you're lucky to receive it, right?

i guess it's always funny until it's not

no, i'm not gonna miss the way he'd kick me in my bed while sleepin'

and i'm not gonna miss his old inflated ego, shallow thinking and i'm not gonna miss denying that i got my own damn reasons

not one of them is tougher than all my friends and i hate to leave him bleedin' but i know, know what i'm leavin' for

i swear to god, i haven't thought of you in ages

i understand, i changed your plans, i had to, baby

and i think that you earnestly have waited on apologies but i can't pretend that i'm sorry when i'm not sorry

so aren't you sad about the fact that you can't write me? i cheered the loudest for you when you won your trophies

and don't you feel alone at night or sorta kinda daily?

and we don't even know each other now and i'd blow all my plans if you'd meet me out

we could talk, we could get it, we could both calm down down (down, down)

it all changed for me and i told you (down) (down, down) you had the wrong idea about me (down) (down, down) and all i ever did was consider you (down) (down, down) until all i could do was consider me (down)

you don't know how to step outside yourself

you really thought you would get what you wanted (down) down, (down) down (down) down, (down) down 

you were the shoreline you were the crash and now i break

gave you i, gave you i, gave you i, gave you i

am i what you wanted? was i self-appointed?

all of my dark blue covered it for you but i'm just so embarrassed now

and you did all that i wouldn't do, erasing lines around us i held my head, i used to hold you, but now i'll walk around us and i can't lie and claim confused when i know just what happened you got bored, and i felt used, now i'm all sad about it

would it have killed you to explain that you weren't ready?

and, still, i gave you i, gave you i gave you i

my honest commitment i sat and listened i was your floorboard, holding it down

and could you not deny the truth? 'cause i know just what happened you got bored, and i felt used, now i'm all sad about it

when did you slip through my fingers, did i ever have you? was i just a placeholder to fill the hole inside you?

i held my head, i used to hold you but now i'll walk around us

and i won't lie and claim confused when i know just what happened

oh, you got bored, and i felt used, now i'm so sad about it

it's a normal thing to fall in love with movie stars when the lights are low and red at all their favorite bars

and the plotline was rare, swear i felt you right there maybe that was the beginning of our love affair

 did my pacing and reeling i even think it looked cute at times i know there's more than that feeling i didn't know it for most my life

you were great, what a show, but i don't recommend getting close, that's how it goes but i'll see you again

couldn't you go quiet? no one noticed, i did but i notice everything, so you're not different

i practice speeches in private i was impressed with my every line i think we call that performing that's not how i want to spend my life

getting close, should have known but i'll see you again

and you changed my life, but i guess i'll see ya 'cause it's over now, so i guess i'll see ya

he made you live out that nightmare and you nearly lost it you made a joke and you watched it go over his head

good luck, charlie i hope you're happy this isn't what you wanted you know that it's her or nothin'

you can go home at night and you might really not need her but you feel her everywhere, she is the love of your life

now it all comes down to you

good luck, charlie i hope you're happy

you openly admit you're far away from healing and i hate to pull the plug but i think i get your deal

you're the saddest, but a good kid almost loved you, but i didn't i could laugh now, how we tried to play those parts

and it's half of you that hurts sometimes, the half that i don't get i swear that i'm not mad at you, but i can't share your bed now

that you blew up on a tuesday how does pain taste when it melts into your tongue?

it's a pain that i caught you at a bad time it's a shame that i memorized your outline you were straight up with me, you were so kind but i knew what you knew, honey, great minds it was harsh 'cause i lost what i wanted i was brave when i kissed you in london we're collateral here, man, we got hit hope you find somewhere safe for your baggage every page that i wrote, you were on it feel you deep in my bones, you're the current and i showed no restraint, it was something i was scared until you made me love it

chances are i'll be here, we could share a lifeline if you feel like fallin', catch me on the way down

never been less empty, all i feel is free now

smoky, dark, crowded room, i need nothing under pink light in june (ah-ah-ah)

i burn for you and you don't even know my name if you asked me to i'd give up everything

break my heart and start a fire, you got me overnight

(just let me be) oh, close to you, close to you, close to you

you pull me in and touch my neck, and now i'm dying

you should be mine for life, i'll be signing every dotted line (ah-ah-ah)

chemical override, ultraviolet you could be mine tonight

pull the trigger on the gun i gave you when we met i wanna be close to you

just let me be close to you, close to you, close to you

[furballfaggot]

miitopia: yayyy your party member got their face back :) now they quip a bit and go to an inn yay hooray

me (The Thinker): how does a returning character react to the 2 unrecognized party members that just so happen to be coming along to replace the 2 that got separated from us by the cave in when they knew everyone so well before and also this is after nearly killing said party members against their will. when the cerberus was defeated how did the 3 rescued faces do with mingling with the rest of the party when so many things had changed for just about everyone but them since then. how do you possibly cope with being an angel, having your face stuck on a nigh-inherently evil monster, having to share your new unwieldy body with a From Hell demon (bad) (do not communicate) (you will be shunned and outcast and dishonored) (get away as soon as possible), then once youre saved you have to grapple with the facts that 1 you have to be in the same party as the thing thats going to destroy your entire life simply by existing (awful) (your god might as well be writing up your eviction notice right now) and 2 youre actually enjoying his company (possible????) (this sucks) (it doesnt matter how nice he is this suuuucks) (you might as well just die dude this sucks so bad) ON TOP OF your gradually increasing worry that the "god" that sent you here may have never existed or worse was simply a facade crafted to make you feel better about this mission while obscuring the truth of your worldview being entirely wrong. i dont think this is what the devs envisioned when they made this game

[canonizzyhours]

Re: #49, #53, and probably a lot more.

Making Izzys Development Less of a Shock:

Izzy is protective of his crew and he doesn't see the Revenge crew as his until season 2. When Jim and Frenchie are crew, he protects them as well. I dont think he had a redemption arc, that shift mixed with the "bottle it up" logic of characters like Frenchie and the "we dont get apologies" logic of characters like Archie means they were comfortable enough with him to trauma bond.

Revenge Crew: when asked in s1 ep 4, Izzy tells Ed the plan is to treat the Revenge crew like every other ship they have taken by making them fix the ship and then killing them. He also tells the crew they dont get food when they have been invaded. So from his pov this is a normal day with normal-ish captives. We are never given reason to believe Ed ever tells him otherwise.

Blackbeard Crew: Our only look into how the Blackbeard crew see him comes from Fang and Ivan. In s1 ep2, we hear Ivan tell Fang he should tell Izzy he doesnt like it when Izzy pulls his beard, implying Ivan at least thinks that would be safe to do and maybe even result in it not happening again. In ep 4, Izzy is yelling at Ed about the 7 men they lost saving Stede. In ep5, we see Fang panic when he thinks Ed is about to catch him slacking off and letting Lucius sketch him, but when he finds out its Izzy he relaxes. In ep6, they both go to Izzy to question why they havent followed protocol and killed everyone yet. This shows a fairly open relationship with their first mate. From what we see, they are comfortable being honest with him and trust him enough to question plans.

He is a dick when he takes over as captain, but the tasks he has the Revenge crew doing seem to be sailing related and we dont see him punish anyone until Wee John disrespects him. Was it good and was he right? No. But the punishment isnt violent, he seems to be trying to force them into being "proper" pirates. Then he strands them on that island, but they were rescued and after seeing the trauma crew I'm guessing they were less angry about being stranded. It's also possible they blame Ed for that.

In season 2, Izzy is back to being the go between for Ed and the BB crew. Jim and Frenchie are part of his crew now and he isnt pretending to be captain, so hes less of a dick and more of a buffer from Blackbeard. They have noticed that Ed is taking his toes, but they all seem relatively unharmed physically, creating the beginnings of a trauma bond. They also feel comfortable enough with him to question orders. Then when Ed starts pointing a gun at them, Izzy says something to get the gun pointed at himself instead of them or Ed himself. Jim's "hes our dick" explanation also implies they know everything is better when the crew cares about eachother.

As soon as Izzy is seemingly out of the picture, Ed does everything he can to ensure they will all die in that storm. And tries to make Jim and Archie to fight to the death. But Izzy steps in again and stops Ed. This would strengthen the trauma bond even more.

From what I can tell, Jim, Frenchie, Archie, and Fang and also Lucius have been through to much to be bothered by someone being a dick. Lucius can still be snarky, but he has bigger problems. The BB crew watched Izzy take a bullet and get toes cut off voluntarily and continue to stand between them and Blackbeard.

The rest of the Revenge crew either have someone they love on that ship or, frankly, dont really care about Izzy. And Izzy hits rock bottom and accepts that this is his new crew, theoretically resulting in him treating them a bit better.

I assume the New Unicorn note is the BB crews idea. The rest just want the trauma group to calm down a bit so I can see them agreeing to any team building activity if it helps the others build trust again. When we see the leg being made Jim is covered in gold paint, Fang and Frenchie are putting the last nail in.

TLDR: you dont see a redemption arc because he didnt get one. It's just the perfect storm of him being slightly less of a dick, a few key characters trauma bonding with him, and the rest not really caring about him or getting screen time. From his side they are crew now so hes less of a dick.

I'm sorry if this reads like headcanons, I tried to put episodes in to explain but it's all from my memory and it is very late. I hope it helps make the beginning of s2 less of a shock for someone.

#59.

related posts: #53, #49

[spicybonelesschickenfeet]

Heartbeat 2/3

Summary; you had know Aaron hotchner since university, and ever since the first day of knowing him you had the biggest, fattest, most overwhelming crush on the guy. But for some reason he never knew, or even noticed. You had eventually learned to push the feelings away trying to figure out your own problems, focusing on yourself. Then, years later when you joined the bau after getting transferred... Things seemed to go downhill after reuniting with Aaron. But there's a bit of a romance twinkling between you and one of your new coworkers.

Aaron hotchner x nb!reader (past romance)

Spencer Reid x nb!reader (SLIGHT romance)

bau x nb!reader (platonic)

WARNINGS; you do ALMOST die at the end :P it's angst. There's canon levels of violence but may or may not be a little more violent, there's mention of unrequited love, you don't kill yourself but the unsub almost kills you , this also may Incudes a few adult rated scenes and language.

(Now a psa, the reader aka you in this story is a bit fem presenting and gets along better with the gorls. There's mentions of typically "girl" related things like makeup n stuff. Just a psa, oh and also Im still getting used to writing longer stories and it might feel like it jumps from one scene to another a bit quickly and that's because is it. Also I'm very reliant on speach rather than detail.)

___________

(This chapter starts after a heafty time skip roughly around two months later)

___________

You found that working in the BAU was definitely more your style, you felt a lot more confident in your abilities to do your job and excell at it. You had become close with all your coworkers, even hotch.

Now you and hotch, the two of you decided to push what happened a few years ago to the furthest corner of your minds to disable any problems that could occur from that interaction. But that didn't stop it from replaying in your head when you were alone.

-memory-

"What do you mean your leaving for Europe?" A younger Aaron hotchner asked as you held your rolling suitcase along to sit by your side.

"I mean, Im going to Europe. I dont know when I'll be back or if I'll ever be back. If it comes down to it I will probably stay there to care for my grandmother. I'm sorry Aaron. I really am-"

He cut you off with furrowed eyebrows. "This isn't about me and Haley is it? I thought you said you got over those feeli-" before he uttered another word you slapped him so hard he lost his breath for a moment.

You had tears running down your cheeks. "Why is it, that everytime I mention having to leave or that I'm having any mental health problems... You bring up THAT... Why? This isn't about you Aaron. Good bye." You say in disbelief turning to walked away from your apartment building. The one that Aaron had tracked you down too after cutting him off two weeks prior.

You were happy to be leaving. So happy you started to smile.

-end of memory-

Even if you couldn't remember most of the argument before the two of you had gotten out of the apartment, you knew it was a heavy argument. The two of you shouldn't have ever been friends but he was so persistent at the start of university that you had found yourself falling in love with him. But you were soon put down after finding he was with Haley. You didn't not once ever think of getting with Aaron hotchner after that. Since you knew what it was like to be cheated on you couldn't ever do that to Haley.

"(L/Name)? You good?" Reid asked with a hint of worry. You looked up from the computer and nodded "yeah I'm good, I was just thinking. Is something wrong?" You asked him and he shook his head. "nope, just wondering. However we are needed in the meeting room, we have a new case" he said as he stood there waiting for you to stand up.

The two of you walked to he meeting room and sat down. You hadn't noticed but Spencer had sat next to you rather than sitting next to Morgan and Elle. Which left and empty spot between you and Elle. It had taken the odd tension in the room for you to whisper to Spencer. "I'm going to scoot into the chair next to Elle." Before hotch began to speak you moved to the chair next to Elle and Spencer also scooted over into the chair you had been sitting in. And the the tension was gone, or maybe it was all in your head? You hadn't a clue what it was but you didn't feel uncomfortable anymore.

Hotch began explaining the case handing files to everyone.

"We have a potential serial killer, there are about seventeen dead and they've al been killed the same way." He started. You looked at the pictures and your stomach dropped. You knew what these murders were depicting. It was the same way a serial killer named "the clown killer" he had been caught so it had to be a copy cat.

"This is just like the clown killer, it's almost exactly the same it has to be a copy cat... Since the clown killer was caught mid murder" you think aloud after hotch finishes explaining some things. You got an odd look from Morgan but Spencer nodded once he noticed it as well. "They're right, these murders look almost exactly like the clown killers. You know when the actually found him he was in the middle of killing another person, I think the woman actually survived it" he added and the all nodded, Morgan speaking up.

"Well then we've definitely got a copy cat".

You had gutted feeling, but maybe it was just your nerves, this would be the first actual case you'd be going on and being involved in it.

___________

Whilst on the jet to baker city, Oregon. You and Spencer talked about the clown killer and the notes in the files.

"You know it's funny because I was born in Baker city. My mom moved us around after I turned three. I think my dad lives there still." You say nonchalantly getting a few odd looks from the other agents.

"I didn't know you were born in Oregon, (L/Name)" hotch stated, you nodded. "It's not really something I talk about- I usually don't talk about anything like that with coworkers. It's confusing and a long story so I usually just keep it to myself" you respond, correcting what you were going to say. Which was 'its not really something I talk about' to 'i usually don't talk about anything like that with coworkers' because you infact have told your close friends about your odd situations while growing up. But usually you don't hang out with coworkers outside of work. Even if they Invite you.

"Well that's no reason not to talk about it, I'm pretty curious as to your childhood story" Elle said with a smile and your heart fluttered. "wai-.....wait are you serious?" You ask her and she nodded. "lay it on me, I've got nothing better to do" she smiled and you smiled and started talking about your entire childhood.

Throughout the hours everyone was on the jet, you had told Elle and anyone who was listening every little aspect of your childhood down to the rebellious things you used to do without your mother's knowledge.

When exiting the jet Morgan ruffled your hair "never took you for a bad (boy/girl/kid) (L/name)." He chuckled and you gave an almost confused look before realizing he was talking about your teen years. You rolled your eyes and sped up your walking pace to catch up with Spencer.

___________

While in Baker city, after talking to the police and checking out the crime scenes you bumped into a woman.

"Oh- I'm so sorry ma'am- mom? Mom what are you doing here in Oregon? I thought you were in north Dakota?" You picked the wallet up from he ground and handed it to your grey haired mother.

"Oh- sweetpea I didn't expect to see you here! I came to visit your aunt Naomi, she's been having a rough time since moving back here. You know what happened all those years ago right? How she found the clown killer right when he was killing her boyfriend?" Your mom babbled out and your eyes widened. "wait- aunt Naomi is back? Like back from Europe? I thought she wasn't ever going to come back- is she staying at the old house? The one on greeneye street?" You ask and you mom nodded. "yes, I'm going there now since I'm staying. You can come along to her- oh and your friends can come as well. Unless your working?" Your sweet mother smiled, her (E/C) eyes waiting patiently for your response.

"I am here on work, but I think aunty Naomi can answer a few questions for me and my 'friends', are you guys cool with making a small detour to my aunt's?" You nod t your mother bfoe asking Spencer and Elle who both shrugged. "sure. It's not like we really have anything we were assigned to specifically" Elle responded and you smiled turing back to your mom. "Well mom, lead the way to aunt Naomi's house"

The four of you had only walked about ten minutes before showing up at a red, wooden, two story house with fruit trees surrounding it and a yard full of vegetables and fruit plants, as well as a chicken coop in the far corner of the yard.

Waking up to the porch a woman who seemed to be in her late thirties opened the door.

"Oh, Bernie and Sweetpea? What a nice surprise!" The woman with messy brownish grey hair smiled bringing you into a hug.

"Hi aunt Naomi" you say nervously as the woman fluffed your hair and looked your face over. She was always obsessed with dressing you up and going out places with you ever since you had been born.

"Oh I haven't seen you since you were sixteen, oh your still as gorgeous as ever sweetpea. Oh, who are your friends?" Naomi asked after gushing over your appearance. "Aunty Naomi these are my coworkers Spencer Reid and Elle Greenaway, I'm actually here to as you a few questions about the clown killer if your comfortable with it?" You ask sheepishly. The woman cocked and eye ro at you before smiling. "Sure thing sweetpea, come in ya'lot. I'll get some tea for while your here" she says opening the door for you, your mother, Spencer, and Elle to walk in.

You instinctively took your shoes off at the door, placing them in the shoe holder. Both Elle and Spencer mimicked what you had done since you were all probably going to be there for awhile. You then waved them towards to the living area where two couches sat across from each other with a coffee table in the middle, a TV was mounted on the wall but clearly wasn't ever used. A cat tree stood next to the big arched light green stain glassed window, two fluffy cats layed there on the cat tree. The grey one on the bottom leaf shaped branch, and on the top of the cat tree sat a fluffy brown cat that watched as everyone found their spots in the living room and couches.

Once Naomi sat down next to your mother, Bernadette/Bernie, she asked. "So you wanted to know about the clown killer?" She asked looking at you, you nodded "yes, we're here on a case and I was wondering if you could tell us how you found the killer, or anything that could help us in our investigation. We believe there's a copycat of the killer" you explained and your aunt's face went pale.

"A copycat of the clown killer? Oh no... That's not good at all... " She mumbled with wide eyes. She took a sip of tea before speaking again.

"Well ... When I found him, I had realized his next target what my boyfriend, the clown killer only targeted people he saw that had to much of the look of a child in some weird way. My ex boyfriend josh used to have this messy brown hair and wore a pair of glasses that made him look five years younger than he was. And he was obsessed with reading. It all had lined up with what the clown killer was after and I had gone to josh's house to find the killer stabing him to death, and I had called my dad, your grandfather, who was the cheif of police at the time on a payphone... He got there right before the killer stabbed me in the stomach." She explained with a saddened expression. You saw Elle take a few notes and you nod. "Well I'm glad he's away now. He can't hurt anymore people. Are there anymore things you did to find the killer?" You asked and your aunt took a mom before she stood up.

"I'll be right back, I have journals full of notes and photos from when I was solving the crime by myself. I'll let you use him for your investigation" she nodded before walking to another room and coming back with a box.

She sat the box down on the coffee tal an opened it, pulling out an old authentic 80's jean jacket with some additional pieces added to it. Like the hood off of a hoodie and sleeves of a hoodie added. She sat it down and then pulled out a tattered old leather backed journal, two of them.

"These journals are full of sketches from the crime scenes, photos, notes, newspapers, and even myow evidence from back then. I hope you can use them" Naomi handed you to te lethr journals and you took them both carefully. Looking through the first which was filled to the very brim with in-depth notes, the second hadmore paper clippings, photos, and sketches that notes.

"Thank you aunt Naomi, I'll be sure these stay safe. I do think we have to get going now but I'll be sure to visit before we leave okay?" You a hugging your aunt and she nodded hugging you tightly. The she picked the jacket up and handed it to you.

"Here, it's colder out towards the evening and I saw you shivering earlier. I think it'll look good on you" she smiled sweetly as you hesitantly took the jean jacket and put it on. It was a little loose but pretty comfortable. The sewn on hoodie sleeves super softs and the pockets in the jean jacket itself were huge. You smiled and hugging your aunt once again before Kissing her cheeks as well as your mother's.

"I'll see you both soon! Stay safe!" You say before putting your shoes on after Spencer and Elle. Then the three of you were out the door.

"You look good in that jean jacket sweetpea" Elle teased and you shoved her shoulder a bit. "Come-on the others are probably Wondering where we are." You roll your eyes at the dar haired woman before the three of you start to walk to the hotel you were staying at.

-end of chapter two-

How we feeing yall, any foreshadowing you see may be what next chapters about 👀.

[camilacantthink]

Sometimes i explode and i dont know why. Sometimes i explode and i do know why but that still isnt an excuse. I know i shouldnt do it and then i do it anyways. If i dont explode then it will drive me crazy. I think and think and think and think and think and think. It wont stop unless i explode. I dont know how go not do that. Im such a fucking horrible person and a horrible friend and maybe itd the fucking ocd. Maybe its the bipolar.

Maybe its everything. Im not okay. Im terrible. I hate how i treat people. I hate how my brain wont shut up unless i explode on people. I hate that im in so much pain and anxiety and distress unless i explode on people.

I wish i still wanted to die.... thats such a weird thing to want. But i used to take comfort in it. When things got bad i could think about killing myself. I could play it out in my head. I could make plans to distract myself. I could imagine how the people i loved would react. Which is fucked up and horrible. But it helped me. It was something to focus on. I knew that if i really had enough everything could just end.

But now i dont want to die anymore. There is no quick end. There is no out. And i have always been too chicken shit to hurt myself anyways. Too scared of pain.

Maybe if id died at 15 everything would be better after all... my friends didnt know me very well back then. Or didn't know me at all. My mom and siblings would have been upset. Hell, maybe even my dad would have cared. But theyd all get over it. My siblings dont even like me anymore. Rosie wasnt even attached to me yet at 15.

I miss rosie. I miss her so much. If she were still around maybe this would be easier. I could hold her instead of exploding. I wont ever see her again. I wish i was religious. I wish i believed in an after life. But no... i cant see how we are anything after. We will just stop. Everything will just stop.

I want to stop. I want to be nothing. But i also want to be something. I want to be a good person. I want to stop being horrible. I want to stop hating things so much. I wish i was likable and i wish i liked things more instead of hating them.

Im so lonely. I want someone to love me. I want to love someone back. I want someone to love me even when im an asshole but i want to not be an asshole. I want to be okay. I want the person i love who loves me back to hold me and i want to feel safe and protected and cared for. I want this person to exist. I want them to be real. But theyre never real. I hardly feel real.

I wish my life was a story. I wish i was a character in a book and that i will have my character arch and i will grow and be happy in the end. I also want to shoot myself in the head and have my blood splatter across the wall like in anime.

Its been my coping mechanism for the past few months. I dont want to die. But if i got shot in the head... if it was me or someone else... itd be over so soon. I can see that in my mind. Id get shot from the left. Blood splattering across the wall to the right side of my head. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

Or id get hung. Like in phantom of the opera. My fist to my face to stop the rope from tighting. I could choose then... to slip myself free or to let it kill me.

I hate myself. I hate myself so much. But i also dont hate myself. I hate myself right now.

[neo-shitty]

hope you dont mind me popping in to your inbox to scream abt whc1 bc you are truly the only person out of my friend circle that has watched it 😭😭 first of all

facts. he can do no wrong.

second of all its been days and i am still processing like this has never happened to me before ?? usually i am a lil :// until the rest of the day when i finish a sad drama but with this im just so heartbroken still. yesterday during a big mental breakdown (unrelated to the drama i am not THAT crazy ok) i realised why it hit me so hard and i think its bc i somehow relate to sieun (anger issues and all /j) and so i somehow projected into his character and so when it all went down with suho i just couldnt deal w it ?? I LEGIT HAD A MINI PANIC ATTACK it felt like it was happening to me 😭😭😭 like he was such comfort for me. he broke the cycle of loneliness and stereotype for sieun and i just really adored each interaction they had. the fact that they would both kill and die for each other makes me bawl my eyes out.

but when it all comes down to it, i understand beomseok, i really do, but i also dont. i dont think ill ever forgive that character, i just cant. i cant imagine how it must have felt for him and i couldnt be able to deal w life either if i was in his shoes, but my brain just cant grasp the lengths he went to hurt people that did nothing but care for him and tried to help him with everything. he's a complex character for sure, one you have to analyze to get, but i dont have it in me to have a single ounce of sympathy after the ending of the drama.

but to think that the parents and the adults were truly at fault here ?? beomseok being abused, sieun abandoned and neglected, suho not really having parents around either (i read somewhere that they are canonically abroad or something?? not too sure), the policemen not taking sieun seriously at first, the teachers seeing the shit happening and not doing anything to stop the bullying... where were everyones parents when all those kids got caught up w the gang? its truly sickening and heartbreaking to think that this truly could be happening anywhere and to anyone.

and it broke me so much bc i could accept beomseok drifting away from them and stuff, but to gang up on suho on his fucking birthday? sieun cooking and decorating with young yi and taking pics for her insta (i strongly believe her and sieuns friendship is SO underrated they were so cute together) and both of them just hid it from everyone to protect suho,, their sunshine ??? the poor boy must have been so confused and lonely on his bday and it makes me :( and then when he saw sieuns cast and went to avenge him ?? I read something about how suho always fought only in self defence but when he saw sieun hurt he crossed the line and fought with the purpose of hurting somebody only bc his best friend was put in danger and that- that broke me.

also i find it funny how i found the drama through a clip on tiktok where jihoon cried at watching the last scene where sieun breaks the window and i was like oh this should be just the right amount of sad for me rn and then i got emotionally damaged. :,)

yeah anyways my fav trope is found family and FUCK all of those who hurt my sunshine bc now im forever heartbroken.

sorry for the rant toffee but it did felt cathartic to write this all out

bar, please don't worry about it. feel free to come back any time you have to yell about it and i'll try to get back to you as soon as i can.

sooho was just too easy to love. we headed into that show blind HAHA we should've known it was too good to be true! i never saw it coming actually.

same !! took me days to get over this too. *hugs* i'm sorry about the mental breakdown, i hope you're feeling a bit better now !! oh the projection must've made the whole thing twice as hard. again, sooho was such a comfort character :( his happy go lucky nature was such a breath of fresh air esp when the themes occasionally got dark. i want that dynamic for me actually (to kill and die for each other, yes). i usually find it corny but it was so well executed here.

oh bumseok :( i think it's valid to simultaneously understand him but at the same time, find what he did unforgivable. i get where he was coming from and how he was just looking for a place to fit in—where he wasn't looked down on. idk how to describe it but when he started misreading the situation (like that whole bit abt sooho not following him on ig but following young yi), i think something in him snapped. he was so fed up with being helpless at home and at his previous school that when it happened a third time, he did everything to get back and lashed out.

I 100% BELIEVE THE ADULTS WERE ABSOLUTE SHITTIEST NEGLIGENT FUCKERS AROUND. like???? leaving a scamming syndicate to be dealt with by high schoolers?????? bumseok's fake ass politician dad??????? sure, sieun's parents were 'present' but emotionally distant, like check on your kids bitches or not have them at all god dAMN. i thought some of the aspects of the bullying were exaggerated bc from where i'm from it never gets that bad but hearing that to an extent, it was truthful about it just left me dumbfounded. how could parents allow things like this to happen under the radar? it's unbelievable and heartbreaking to me.

yeah, i thought bumseok would just join his cool boy squad but he really had to do whatever the fuck he did :D my girl, i know you read my tags and i was vile as fuck towards him but at the time i was just so angry too. also yes! youngyi and sieun's friendship <3 i wish they had more time </3 and honestly, if bumseok didn't do a whole 180, i think the four of them would make such a cute squad. like the way they would protect each other??? hmp :/

'i read something about how suho always fought only in self defence but when he saw sieun hurt he crossed the line and fought with the purpose of hurting somebody only bc his best friend was put in danger and that- that broke me.' i saw that the other day and that broke me to fucking hell i could sell anyone's soul to see them together again (SPECIFICALLY, with the other one being fine and out of comatose yes i would love that for me.

ohhh, i've been meaning to watch that vid of them reacting to whc1 but at the time it didn't have subs. jihoon's acting was so fucking effective like??? the sadness the eyes of that man has can sway me to do anything !! so sorry that you got so much more than just a little sad bout. heading into this drama blind was like bringing a knife to a whole war.

this show made me realize that tragedy could strike any pairing on any show and i wouldn't bat an eye but have the same happen to a found family and then i'm instantly destroyed. THE SHOW ACTUALLY REMINDED ME OF YOUR CHENJI FIC????? FUCK. please do let me know if you ever get around to writing something related to them haha i'm ready to be destroyed.

please do not ever apologize for ranting especially about this show !! i went through this whole phase ALONE last year (watching it after christmas was the biggest mistake, i ended my year DEPRESSED as FUCK) so i'm offering as much help as i can.

[scummy-writes]

[CHAPTER 19 & PREM]

Notes for myself. I know he dislikes this stuff already, its very clear, but i wanted the exact verbiage he uses. I am surprised he doesnt outright say rape. I wonder if thays a censoring thing or a Gilbert thing.

Surprised sariel or. Anyone. Never told her about the king. I guess it doesnt matter? But i feel like it is good knowledge to have... i guess they also dont want it getting out, but they so freely syate it in so many routes? Lukes mother was not the only one raped so?? I feel like its important to take into account how someone would act as a king, on good AND bad days.

Gilbert the criminology expert. I am... happy. But this points to why his heart got so corrupted also, swarming himself into awful awful cases and atudying. Its for the betterment of others, he wants this stuff to stop for the sake of others. Word soup right now but. I wonder when this is realized by her and him. Killing awful people and knowlingly having to sacrifice a few (the civil war hes trying to ignite) to try and turn the tides of ruling completely.

I figured thats why he wasnt really super awful to either of them. He was awful but not super.

Ah i want to screenshot all of this. Jesus christ. Ill have to record this whole chapter for myself because of this speech.

I feel like its difficult to comment on. I am not good at politics, i am nodding along and understanding this is an extreme, but its difficult to make any comments due to just...nodding...

I wonder if he also wants to die due to the grief of it all. *weedles my hcs into this*. All i keep thinking about is a gilbert, alone at night plagued by nightmares of his mother, the disappointment she would have, and promising himself and the memory of her (and albert) that itll end 'soon' because he plans to die like this.

And he wants emma to do it. To be the last thing he sees before he dies, the object of his love and obsession.

I cant fogure out if he wants it so that he can dig himself further into a villain, to crush his heart due to the only woman he loved passing judgement thay he SHOULD die to atone for his sins, as a dramatic final act of some sort of self harm, or because he wants her to be the last thing he sees so that he can leave with a sense of happiness and feeling love as his final feeling, even if its twisted.

Typing that made me want to cry

I want gilbert to have a life free of this pain. I wish he could just have a small home on the countryside with emma.

Is it because he never expected her to Not want him dead? Hes shocked that his secret desires of her liking him back are showing to be possivle? That she deems him redeemable enough to live despite whay hes done?

Hes gonna show her a lot worse now huh.

-> WALTER?!?!?! MY MAN?!?!?! MAN OF THE HOUR?!?!??!

-> ITS WALTER!!!!!!!

i love how gilbert talks to him. Okay like in context he sounds so awful but--- okay listen in some events it sounds like he always does this when they try to scold him. Also funny the threat happens when walters like "oh she exists?" LMAO love that they thought he was just fucking delusional in regards to her apparently.

I want to know so badly what gilbert has said about her. I also feel like some things may have been feverish ramblings that walter was not supposed to hear.

-> "well, that's killed the mood" lmao

Man after my own heart.

I desperately want to imagine he has collected books that shes liked over the years, in order to try and feel what she felt while reading them, to feel closer to her.

I also want to imagine hes collected books he thought she might enjoy, too.

-> "although, I just really wanted to make you happy" sobs

-> gdi i missed screenshotting his advancement with the food. If anyone is reading this and has a screenshot of what he said he did....pls...gib....

Argh i hit the photo limit.

-> "i don't wanna" ily. Youre like a fuckin kid sometimes.

-> both genders of workers and such

-> novles and commoners at the castle dressed the same to avoid preconceptions

-> PREM STORY? fucking hell i forgot there was an avatar check. I hit the photo limit. Was already mad i couldnt show the screenie about her thinking about his life and him killing. Ill do that next note chapter.

[PREM STORY]

-> both outfits are my jam this time.

-> "i want to know how we can make up again." " atrocious" "what a kind bunny you are"

-> "are you playing at psychoanalysis now?" Looks at my notes. Looks back at game.

-> "thats gross"

-> the shock at her saying its cowardly. Is it because he didnt consider that ( he HAD to have of, right????) Or just surprised again that she thinks along those lines?

-> again. The crux of wanting to feel the love of the object of your affections verses having to stick to your guns so that she does not know the true depth of it all and will not be ruined by your death, so that she can keep the purity with her and you still got to experience it....ah.......pain....suffering....gILBERT

-> does not want to hurt her, confliction. Ough i am glad i bought this ill be rereading it and crying later.

[You unlocked: Gun!]

PART 2 - GILBERT ROUTE SPOILERS POST

The last post got really long since hitting 'readmore' shows you ALL the reblogs on it, so I made a part 2 for chaps 12-20(?).

I'll be reblogging this post each chapter or so with personal thoughts and general screaming under a cut. I'll be having it in a format with the chapter numbered, and then a cut directly after where I'll be yelling. I already know some major spoilers with gilberts route, so if you have not finished his route yet, be wary.

I'll be using the tags 'Scum Simps' and 'scum plays gil route' for those of you who want to filter it out. Thank u!

[lvyu]

to have and to hold until you disappear

. . ♡ ･ﾟghostbur x reader, past wilbur x reader

⎯ warning(s): semi-detailed for wilbur's canonical death and the explosion, a mix of sadness of happiness, brief scene and description involving a breakdown, swearing

⎯ wc. 4.4k

notes: woo! little story for @.quackisinnit and their 1k special, congrats to them :) i used prompt eight! ("i love you but i dont know if you feel the same.") and i actually really enjoy how this turned out– also explosion scene isn’t accurate to streams!

happy reading!

my love,

i couldn't sleep tonight, this ravine is quite cold after all. all alone in this cold, dim, sorry excuse for a room. it's been weeks and yet this feeling, this feeling as though i've been misplaced, never ceases.

god, look at me.

once a man in power, reduced to an outcast. funny, isn't it? i doubt if you saw me now you'd love me the same. 'my wilbur' you always called me, right? i wonder would you still call me by that name? would i still be your wilbur, even after i've left you all alone?

...do you get lonely in l'manberg without me by your side? i know i haven't let you visit or even know where i am, but all in do time, my love. all in do time.

[ ⋯ ]

it was funny to you, really.

how wilbur had felt abandoned and betrayed by those he trusted most, yet in the end he was no better. when he pushed that button, when he begged to be killed, he had successfully managed to both betray and abandon those dear to him in a matter of minutes.

it was funny how your last words to him were, "and please... don't do anything stupid, will." how he promised that he would never do such a thing, kissing your forehead before you walked into a war and he prepared to do something so, outrageously stupid.

but by far the funniest thing was how the universe allowed you no time to grieve your lover's death.

ghostbur's introduction was sudden and to put it kindly, a little unnecessary. you were one of the last people to meet ghostbur as well.

you had gone to live with phil for a little, you knew him well enough, and locked yourself away in a room for a couple of weeks after it happened. nobody mentioned that wilbur, well some part of him, still somehow existed and still walked the earth as a ghost.

in retrospect, perhaps that was a good thing. phil knew before you and had purposely avoided the topic of ghostbur, aiding others to do the same.

in the few weeks you'd stayed with him, it became apparent that even the mere mention of wilbur would leave you in tears, inconsolable for hours.

it was just too soon.

eventually you decided you needed to move out of phil's house, feeling too much of a burden. he understood and offered to help you build a new place which you gladly accepted. he let you go off to find an area to set up first.

he regretted not going with you.

[ ⋯ ]

ghostbur didn't venture out of new l'manberg often, but when he did it was to collect cornflowers for his blue or ingredients for his potions.

he didn't bother to let anyone know before, he didn't think people would miss him. the more he thought about his negativity, he realized how silly it sounded. people's faces lit up when they saw him, because he was just such... a beam of happiness, wasn't he?

but if he stopped working, stopped moving and thinking for just a second, he could still feel his heart ache of loneliness.

“this looks okay, i think...”

oh,

that voice,

“don’t know much about.. land finding, i should have asked phil before i left.”

he adored that voice, he loved that voice.

“it’s sort of dull looking, but i can change that!”

...why? why did he love it so much?

[ ⋯ ]

“this is the dullest looking thing ever, will.”

he gasped, faking a hurt look. “it’s not! you’re just jealous!”

“ah yes, i’m so very jealous of...” you looked down at the sweater in your hands. “...this very yellow sweater that looks like if i put it on i would die of heat.”

wilbur snatched the sweater back from you, pouting. “you’re so, so mean.”

you hummed, laying back down on his bed, will following your lead. “if i’m so mean, why hang out with me?”

“you know i’m only joking..

i adore you.”

[ ⋯ ]

oh...

oh!

you were... you were his! his love, his entire world, that’s why he loved your voice so much!

ghostbur tended to act on his emotions with little to no thought, especially if those thoughts could lead to painful memories. his excitement over the possibility of meeting his alive self’s lover overwhelmed him, not even thinking of the likely harm it would cause.

a sudden wave of happiness and calm washed over him the moment he laid eyes on you, one of the few moments he’d truly felt at ease since his appearance. a bright smile formed on his face and in an instant he rushed over to try and hold you. he wasn’t quite sure what compelled him to do so.

perhaps the memories of you flooding back, or just the selfish desire for more of this calm he felt.

..

everything was suddenly so cold, you were suddenly so cold.

then you heard your name and thought you were hallucinating, so you turned around to find the source of your sudden chills and voice.

you froze.

seeing the person you love again, a person who was supposed to be dead, six feet in the ground, is not something someone can prepare for, ever.

any progress moving on or healing will vanish in seconds, and wounds will open up once more. one could have a lifetime and it would not help ease the confusion, the fear and the anguish you'd feel.

"will..?" your voice was quiet, but luckily he was closed enough to hear it.

"actually, i'm ghostbur, alivebur and i are..." you didn’t give him the chance to finish.

"no, no, no, no..." he unwrapped his arms from shoulders and backed up cautiously. "you died, he died, wilbur died, please stop it..."

a string of 'stop it' and 'why now, god why now' fell from your lips. soon, you had your arms wrapping around your head, as if shielding yourself, eyes closed, uneven breathing.

in and out, in and out, in...

in... in.. wh... wilbur, no, out, it's out.

not him, he wasn't here, he'd never be here again. its in and out, in and out, not.. not..

in, out, in, out.

your breathing only increased and ghostbur was completely clueless. "please don't cry... please, why are you.. please."

[ ⋯ ]

"will, please for the love of whatever god, stop crying, please. it’s a little distracting."

he winced, tears continuing. "easy for you to say, you're not the one with a big fucking cut on your arm." you frowned.

you knew it hurt, of course it did, they got a pretty good hit on him. wilbur was furiously wiping his tears away, but more and more came. "it hurts. lovely... i hate pain so much."

you smiled at the nickname and pressed a kiss to his knuckles. "look, will i know it hurts," he whined. "...but i really, really need you to be still for a minute to finish this up, okay? look, you can squeeze my arm if that helps you."

"im going to fucking squeeze your arm to death."

you smile,

his tears stopped.

[ ⋯ ]

he hated this, ghostbur hated this so much.

you weren't supposed to react this way, why were you crying? he wanted you to stop crying, he didn't want to see you crying. it hurt, it hurt him so much and he couldn't explain why.

a few seconds and you were on the grass, completely gone, his pleads falling on deaf ears. he looked around, looking for something, anything to help you.

“don’t know much about.. land finding, i should have asked phil before i left.”

phil!

..

he didn't know what happened after he went to get phil. ghostbur could barely speak when he found phil, unconsciously clutching multiple blue, but fortunately it only took your name for phil to realize what had happened and have him frantically asking where.

he heard a door creak and turned around to see a tired phil leaving your room. quickly he turned back around to face the window, softly stroking his blue. phil sighed and took a seat next to him.

"you didn't come back for a while. it's already dark, phil, so silly, coming back after dark." he handed phil a piece of his blue.

he thanked him and glanced back at your door. "it took some time to calm them down, will."

ghostbur traced a little heart on the fogged up window.

"phil, it hurt."

he looked at the heart his son drew.

"it hurt to see them cry."

[ ⋯ ]

“would you like some blue? i should’ve given you some last time.”

ghostbur wasn’t exactly sure why you wished to see him, but he was happy nonetheless. he put the blue in front of you and gave it a little pat as encouragement.

phil watched the scene from the other side of the room, just out of worry. it’d only been a week since you first met him and you’d been locked in your room ever since, but the minute you came out you had asked him to bring ghostbur, needing to talk to him. he was shocked at your request and asked you to reconsider, but you were fixated on speaking to him.

“you...” you looked down at the blue clump he’d placed in front of you, covering it with your hand. “ghost..bur, i want to.. i want us to be friends, of some sort, if that’s okay... is that okay?”

he stopped fiddling with the blue in his hands and jumped from his seat. "do you mean that?"

you paused for a second and looked at him, taking everything in, and nodded.

and it was cold again.

and you were cold because he was hugging you again, giggling happily. "i'm happy, thank you... oh!" he parted from the hug and pulled out a white flower.

"it's not blue, but it's still pretty!"

he really wasn't... wilbur, was he?

"thank you, ghostbur."

..

a shaky sigh left you, and you pulled your knees to your chest as best you could. ghostbur wished you and phil a nice day, and he left saying he had some fatherly business to tend to. he took a seat across from you, where ghostbur sat not too long ago.

"he's not him, you know that, you need to know that."

you twirled the daisy around between your fingers, focusing on it. "i wonder how long it'll take for this flower to wilt. want to place a bet, phil?"

he grabbed your hand, stopping your motions. "tell me you know it's not him. tell me you're not doing this because you think you can be with him like wilbur."

[ ⋯ ]

"did you know daises supposedly symbolize purity and innocence?"

you looked at the flower in your hand and pressed the head to your lips. "and you're giving this to me because im just oh so innocent and pure?"

wilbur scoffed and closed his eyes. "please, you're just the opposite of pure. a complete menace, really."

he felt you moving his hair and opened his eyes, seeing you laying on your stomach, trying to tuck something behind his ear. "hello, no boundaries, when did you get here?"

you sat up, proudly smiling.

he loved that smile.

"shut it, i was just trying to make you prettier." though he hadn't looked or asked yet, he knew you put the flower in his hair.

"well, do i?"

yeah, he did.

"as pretty as a princess, your highness."

you laid back down next to him, facing to look at him. he wasn't smiling, but he looked relaxed.

he looked happy,

and that flower was good on him too.

[ ⋯ ]

it looked so sad, ripped from the ground.

“i can barely say his name, phil,” you spoke in a hushed voice. “and when i do i feel like i can barely breathe anymore.”

he let let of your hand and sat back, silently urging you to continue. “do you think that maybe if i talk to him, it’ll help? because phil, i don’t want to feel like this forever because it hurts and i’m so, so tired. i know you’re hurting too, so please... please just let me try.”

you pressed the head of the flower to your lips, waiting for his response. you knew he wasn’t wilbur, and he wouldn’t ever be wilbur, but you couldn’t avoid him or moving on forever.

he sighed and headed towards his own room. “if you want to, but don’t push yourself too far.”

“i could say the same about you.”

..

ghostbur was kind, though he did seem childish and forgetful. since you told him you wanted to be friends with him, he clung to you day in and day out. he spoke about all kinds of things, sometimes he would ramble for hours about a few animals he saw in the forest. his home was neat and tidy, surrounded by books and potion making stands. it almost reminded you of your shared home with wilbur not long ago, though much smaller and lacking a key component.

in the few months you’d spent together, he’d also recently grown fond of holding your hand. to be more specific, he enjoyed interlocking your pinkies together.

it hurt when you touched, and that wasn’t even considering the fact that he was always so cold. if anything, that was what hurt least. after the first time, you strayed away from his touch as subtly as you could. moving away when he touched your shoulder to pick up a flower or removing your hand from his to wave to a passerby.

but it didn’t hurt as much anymore.

you’d been held before, of course you had, but it’d been a while since it hadn’t been out of pity or shared pain. when ghostbur hugged you it was because he wanted to, because he enjoyed you and your company. it was something you hadn’t felt in a long time, and it was as wonderful as you remembered.

he was cold, freezing almost, but somehow when he hugged you it felt warm.

“i have found a flower!” you jumped, nearly dropping the blaze powder on the floor. you put the powder on the stone counter and let out a sigh of relief, seeing it was only ghostbur.

between both his hands he held a flower, and you heard him congratulate himself quietly. “it’s a white tulip, at least i think it is,” it was actually, he was right. “here... you.. go!”

ghostbur tucked your hair behind your ear and placed the flower delicately. “i hope it doesn’t fall. you can adjust it to make it better, though.”

you smiled and thanked him, going back to the potion.

lately, you’d been helping him make his invisibility potions, along with others that he enjoyed experimenting with. his favorites to make, besides invisibility, were night vision and instant harming potions. he didn’t let you help him with the harming potions, insisting they were too dangerous to handle.

“don’t touch that, you’re gonna hurt yourself.”

[ ⋯ ]

“will, i have made just about every single potion you can think of, i think i can handle this one.”

he grabbed your hands and walked, making you walk backwards too. “and i have helped you with all of them just about a dozen times, and i once ended up unconscious and bleeding for a day.”

“that is,” you pulled him down by your connected hands and kissed him softly. “because,” again. “you’re kind of stupid.” last time.

he chuckled and wrapped his arms around your waist. “stupid?”

you nodded.

“i’m just so,” he lifted you up and squeezed, causing a scream from you. “stupid, right?”

though you couldn’t see his face, you could tell he had the biggest grin on his face. such a dumbass, you thought, though you couldn’t help but laugh at his actions.

[ ⋯ ]

“i’m almost done with this batch, if you need some right now.” ghostbur shook his head and hugged you from behind, both to hold you and see what you were up to.

he enjoyed times like these.

when you were in his little home in the sewers of new l’manberg (“i promise it doesn’t smell, i’m fine, bur!”), helping him with his tasks or reading with him. he enjoyed seeing your smile too, seeing you laugh and getting to hold you. they were small, some domestic-like things, but they made him the happiest ghost.

you’d been happier more recently, too.

he loved that.

he could still remember the day he met you, your shaking and cries and the complete terror and panic he felt. it was odd to him, usually he forgot unpleasant memories, but he could remember that day so, so clearly. it still made him upset to think about it, but before he could go too deep, you’d typically show up with a smile on your face to greet him. somehow always managing to fix all his worries and doubts, reminding him that it was in the past.

that you were here with him, and how you could so easily allow yourself to feel happy with him.

and he loved how you made him feel so happy in return too, like he was walking on the soft clouds in the sky. often by just doing the littlest things, no grand gestures ever needed.

he felt a small poke at his side and looked back towards you. the potions had long been put away and sorted into their place. instead you sat on the counter, holding a beat up old book and looking at him with curious eyes.

"what d'you think about when you disappear like that?" you asked.

he blinked and looked towards the floor in confusion. "dis...appear?" it was his turn to be curious now. ghostbur didn't disappear, as far as he knew anyways. he didn't disappear, did he?

noticing his incoming panic, you waved to get his attention. "wait, wait, no, i don't mean literally disappear, bur." he shifted his gaze back to you. "i just mean you look lost in thought a lot, i was just wondering what you thought about."

ah, he knew what you meant now.

"well, you mostly, sometimes friend or fundy and phil, but you mostly." and oh, that caught your attention.

a part of you told you to leave it alone, tell him that it was good to know or to just say okay and switch topics. but another part of you was curious, almost desperate to know what he meant by 'well, you mostly', and what better time than the present?

if there was one thing about ghostbur, it was that he was honest to a fault.

"what do you mean by mostly me, bur?"

he opened the book in your hands and opened it, 'aww'ing at content inside.

"bur?" you carefully grabbed and moved his hands away. "what does mostly me mean?"

"um..." your hands were warm, he noticed. "well, i think about you a lot." you nodded, but continued to hold his hands in your own.

"or do you want to know what.. i think about? i'm sorry i don't– can you ask again?"

the truth was that he did know what you meant, but he wasn't sure if he wanted you to know what the answer was. playing dumb always worked at getting him out of an uncomfortable situation before, but something told him you wouldn't let him play dumb this time.

"that's what i meant, yeah."

there was no out this time, was there?

he wasn’t stupid.

sure ghostbur was an amnesiac, and sure he was the silly little comic relief character, but he wasn’t stupid. he understood the weight the phrase ‘i love you’ carried, he understood how messed up his feelings for you were, and he understood how badly hearing those words in a romantic sense, coming from ghostbur of all people, would damage you.

the two of you came so far since then, and he cherished that more than anything in the world.

he remembered every little thing about you, since the day he saw you looking for a home. ever since that day, slowly, memories would come to him. memories of you, of your relationship and friendship. every argument, every touch, every smile and laugh.

was it really so awful to want that again...? was it selfish?

he knew you were calling out for him, he had ‘disappeared’ again, he knew he had. perhaps if he waited long enough, you’d drop the topic and he wouldn’t have to ruin anything.

perhaps he wouldn’t have to lose you again.

but when he looked at you, so much warmth and care in your eyes, how could he lie to you any longer? for how longer could he keep up his facade, keep lying to you, to everyone and himself that he didn’t wish to call you his once more.

“i remember everything when it comes to you, do you know that?” he speaks so quietly, barely audible, looking at the floor. “and i don’t know why, i forget everything, but when it comes to you i just can’t.”

truthfully, he had scared you a little, going away for so long, but you brushed that aside and continued to listen. “and i try, i try to forget when you cry or we have an argument. i couldn’t understand why for the longest time, you know? i thought i was broken even further than i already was, but i was wrong.”

you paused, curiosity gone in an instant. “bur, you don’t.. have to if you don’t want to, we can drop it.” you had already heard this years ago and you knew what came at the end of the confession, you knew what would happen at the end of the story, you lived that story.

[ ⋯ ]

smoke filled your lungs and you coughed, trying to wave it out of your face. one second you were trying to shield yourself with niki and fundy and the next you were laying on the ground, weak and bruised. there was a constant ringing in your ears, and it was so fucking annoying, you just wanted it gone.

someone lifted you up, they were talking to you, at least you think they were. over all the ringing it was near impossible to hear anything more than a muffle.

with a hand still clutching your arm, you tried to walk back, only to trip and immediately fall to the ground again.

“no! hey, we need to be careful,” it sounded like fundy, but dust from the crumbling debris left you blind. “can you hear me now?” you nodded and looked up to see fundy, just as you thought you would.

with his help, you steadied yourself and looked towards the stands, only to see a gaping hole where it should be. looking down you saw stone and andesite, any chairs or pathways long gone.

“fun.. fundy?” you looked to him for answers, but instead he stood, staring at a little hole in the mountain, fear and shock on his face.

before you could look at what he was looking at, he looked back and tried to push you away from the scene. you protested, trying to get him to leave you alone, claiming you were old enough to see whatever damage had been done. faintly, you heard tommy and quackity’s yells and froze.

you shoved fundy’s hands off you and ran as best you could where tommy stood, stumbling and crashing on the harsh ground. but even from your position you could see him. you could see both of them, and you could see the shiny, bloody blade through wilbur’s abdomen.

and everything went still, and nothing felt real anymore. you couldn’t feel, couldn’t hear anything. the only thing you could do was see– see the horrific scene of wilbur, your wilbur, dying in front of you.

then the world continued as if nothing had happened.

there was screaming and cries in the back, and you felt yourself being grabbed, but nothing really seemed to matter.

‘don’t do anything stupid, will’

it was a simple request and he promised he could never,

he promised.

[ ⋯ ]

you lived that story, and you didn’t want to relive it– you just couldn’t live it again.

“i’m broken, i think i forever will be, but you... you help in a way.” he was holding your hands now. “and i know i can’t ask you to reciprocate, or even wish to be near me, but please, let me admit this once and for all to you.” tears were falling down both of your faces now, and it burned him so bad, but he could mope about it later.

you only lowered your head in response, but you didn’t back away from his touch, instead bringing him slightly closer to you.

“i do adore you, i won’t ever stop, but what hurts the most is that i love you, but i don’t know if you feel the same.”

there are little things in life that hurt more than true heartbreak. it’s not like a burn from spilt hot water, it’s not a cut or stab from a sword, not even like being engulfed in flames. because when burnt or stabbed, you know the pain will end soon, whether by healing or death, but with heartbreak there is no set time for an end or even when the healing will begin.

the day wilbur left was the day everything fell apart. your only wish was to hold him, to go back and time and say you were there for him, no matter what thoughts he had. that he wasn’t crazy as everyone else said.

life’s unfair, it always has been and will continue to be. no do overs, no magical wishes could be granted.

but the day ghostbur brought you a daisy and set it on phil’s kitchen table for you to have, you started to believe that perhaps you could rebuild everything again, recover from the shitshow wilbur had left.

rather than will, ghostbur was here now, and he would be until he wouldn’t be. you pulled him into a hug which he accepted, and stood there with him for a while, doing nothing but holding onto each other. his sobbing only worsened as yours calmed down, but you merely reached to stroke his hair to calm him.

you knew your answer and he did too, he knew it from the moment he’d realize just how far he’d fallen.

but he just wanted to cherish you for a little longer,

and all you wanted was to cherish him for a little longer.