#“art.” i shat this out in like 5 minutes tops | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

finchbeak · 3 years ago

Text

Quito Day 1

I have not had butterflies about travel since November 2004. My first trip out of the country. To Paris. Since that trip nearly 17 (!!!) years ago, I traveled all over the world, largely by myself, without a care (Russian visa anxiety notwithstanding).

My last trip out of the country was in July 2019 - the last entries on this blog - to Madagascar. I was supposed to go to Paris in December of that year, but Gus having tumors all over his insides made me cancel the trip. My next international trip was scheduled for March 2020. To Beijing.

I blame myself for the panny.

I had hopes during the pandemic. That it wouldn’t be so bad. That it would clear up in a few weeks. A few months. By winter. And I booked (and then canceled) my trips. So when I finally got that sweet, sweet second dose of Moderna? I was on the Delta website planning my next adventure.

I knew I was not going to feel safe with a trip to a big city where I would go from restaurant to restaurant to shop to shop to museum to museum. I needed Madagascar redux. Galapagos was the obvious choice.

I’d been wanting to travel here for years, but, as a solo traveler, it was even more cost prohibitive than my usual solo trip. Very few boats in the Galapagos had single berths available for booking. If I wanted to go, I would have to pay double.

Then I found Solaris (http://www.yachtsolaris.com). Built in 2019, it has 5(!!!) single berth cabins. I booked the last one - at a 45% discount. I rounded out the trip with two days in Quito and 4 days in the Andean cloud forest. So here I am. In Quito. SItting in the lobby of my hotel, which is also one of the oldest residential buildings in the city, sipping Chilean wine, and composing this entry.

Getting here went smoothly, but I was so wired and full of butterflies the night before my departure I barely slept. I was a wreck. Packing? Not my finest attempt. Preparations? Non-existent. I arrived in Quito with no plans, expectations, or a base knowledge of the city.

I was also the youngest person in first class on the Atlanta to Quito leg of my trip. Every single person was decked out in their “adventure trip” clothing. All of them 55+. I apparently travel like a retiree. No wonder I am single.

We land. Passport control and customs are a breeze. I hail a taxi, get to my hotel, discover the toilet is beyond repair, and get a new room. But the hotel is super cute, the location is great, and the staff has been unbelievably helpful.

A quick sidestep into Covid: Everyone wears a mask. Inside. Outside. I wandered my way into a super crowded area of the city and felt fine - because, yeah, I was in a crush of people, but every single one of them had a mask on. And none of this shit Americans pull with the mask below their nose. Some of their precautions are not necessary (my hands get sprayed with alcohol everytime I enter a shop or restaurant) but I would much rather have overkill.

I woke up this morning (I missed desayuna), stepped out of the hotel, and walked. This is what I do. I walk.

Quito is adorable. I am staying in the heart of the colonial center, built on top of an ancient Incan city, and filled with 16th and 17th century architecture. It is a Unesco World Heritage Site for reasons. I didn’t go into the many, many churches because today is Sunday and services were happening, but I marveled from the outside and was happy enough walking the cobbled streets, just taking everything in.

Twenty minutes into my wanderings an Ecuadorian Rock Pigeon shat on me. My head. My shirt. My jacket.

Yeah.

I wiped myself off with the hand sanitizer wipes I had put in my bag and tried to continue on. But my clothes SMELLED. I SMELLED. I went back to the hotel for a quick change, asked about the laundering services and continued on.

There was a cultural arts and crafts festival happening - complete with traditional Incan dance and handiworks. I bought a few trinkets to bring home and found a cute restaurant where I could sit outside and enjoy the perfectly mild weather.

After lunch I went back to the hotel and climbed to the roof, five stories up, to take in the panoramic view. Then I retired to my room for a nap. Because I am on vacation.

Dinner was harder. I tried four restaurants before deciding on the place with a view. But honestly? The salmon was cooked perfectly, the service was lovely, and THE VIEW.

On my way home I helped an adorable Canadian couple reorient themselves and directed them to some food options.

I have no idea what I am doing tomorrow. I probably should have booked some sort of excursion. But if the worst thing that happens is I sit in a cafe and drink coffee or wine? That’s kind of the perfect vacation.

Miles walked: 7.24

Birds who shat on me: I estimate 2, but maybe 3 in a coordinated effort

Times I said “HOLA PERRO” to random doggos in the street: Too many to count.

2 notes · View notes

readbeneaththelines · 5 years ago

Text

Captured Moments Pt. 5

A/N: You are an artist given the chance to work with BigHit Ent. as their Creative Art Director. Getting to spend time with BTS, you form a friendship with them. But With Namjoon, could it grow into something more?

Characters: Namjoon x Artist!Reader

Warnings: soft Namjoon, soft and fluffy OT7

Word Count: 3471

HE”S SO DAMN ADORABLE!! cr, to gif owner

The radio event was fun to watch. The seven of them were animated, funny and shared the plans for their next album. You focused in on Namjoon, listening to what he shared. You had learned so much about their hearts while they talked about their passions. You pulled your small sketch pad from your bag, quickly drawing them at the studios microphones. After wrapping the show up, everybody entered the van.

"I'm starving!" Jin exclaimed from the back seat.

"You're always starving Jin." He had to agree, but nonetheless told the driver to take them to dinner. It was a quaint restaurant, a place in the back reserved for them. While the others ate, Namjoon leaned over to you, whispering in your ear. His warm breath tickled as you couldn’t help the small shudder at the sensation.

"Are you going to tell me anything about my scene?" You told him no, that it was going to be a surprise and he needed to be patient. He sighed, then returned to eating. The eight of you closed the place down, leaving when the owner walked out with you.

"Thank you so much for a great day. Unfortunately I have to get changed and head back to the studio. Things aren’t going to finish themselves." Pleas for you to hang out some more went rejected, and you waved goodbyes as they let you out at the building. In a daze, you headed for your studio. You grabbed your comfy clothes and went back your laptop, pulling up your emails in between changing. You entered one from the antique shop confirming the hold on the antique philosophy book they had. Another email contained confirmation of extra security for the park where you would be filming the tree scene for Namjoon. The final email you answered was from a local modeling agency letting you know that they had available children and young teens that you could use for shooting your scenes.

Taking a seat on the floor, you grab colored pencils and your sketch pad, laying them out in front of you. Recalling your time with all of them, you set about finishing the drawings from the night. Sometime during the wee hours of early morning you had fallen asleep, curled up with a finished piece beside you.

Loud chatter from the hallway woke you up. Rubbing tired eyes You rolled up the drawing, fixed your hair best you could, and headed for the BTS studios.

They were already hard at work, working on choreography from one of their newest songs. Carefully opening the door so not to disturb them, you leaned against the back wall and watched them. Each person had their own style that separately was great already, but when you combined them together way an awesome sight to behold. They worked in synchronicity, each one giving way to the other in harmony. When they finished, you greeted them and called them to you. They grabbed their towels, wiping the sweat from themselves as they came to you. You handed Namjoon the drawing, excited anticipation making your hands tremble slightly. You had never given a drawing to someone as a gift, outside of your parents. When he unraveled the roll of paper, they all crowded around to look at what you had drawn. “This is perfect, Y/N. Thank you. We will put this up in the dorm after we get it framed. This means a lot to us. They all agreed, giving you a group bear hug as thanks. “Okay, so they basic framework is done for each scene. I got word last night in my emails, that my staff will be finished with their designs in tatality, by end of this week. This means, after your approvals, we can start set design, and hopefully start shooting in two weeks. I would need your schedules so I can plan a good time for each of you.”

“You tell us the time you need, and we will rearrange.” Namjoon replied, rolling the drawing up carefully and placing it by his bag. “So, you say mine is almost ready too? Can I see it yet?” You hated keeping his a surprise, but you wanted it to be special. He put so much of himself into others, you wanted this to be all about him. He deserved something special and you didn’t want to ruin it.

“Not quite, Joon. But soon, I promise.” He looked almost defeated, but perked up when you gave him a clue. “Your scene is serene and peaceful, that’s all I’m going to say. Now back to the drawing board, you guys have a great day.” you had a little skip to your step as you left, happy that something you did made them smile a little more today.

NAmjoon was in a haze the remainder of the afternoon. “Joon-hyung, everything good?” Jimin asked, coming up beside him. “Hmm? Oh, yeah everything is good. I was just thinking.” Hoseok spoke out loudly. “Thinking about Y/N!” he laughed hysterically as Namjoon shat him a death glare. “Well, am I right?”

“Shut up Hobi.”

Exhaustion took over halfway through the day. You emailed the staff telling them you were leaving for the day. Walking to your apartment, you reminded yourself that you had to pick up the book from the antique shop on the way. You turned the corner, spotting it across the street. Making a mad dash across the intersection, you nearly slid through the opened door. You told the owner who you were and she brought the book out of the storage room.

It was bound in old, worn leather. The title was burned into the cover, the drawings delicate and detailed. The pages were thick and well loved by the past readers who held it in their hands. There was an aroma of oiled leather, musk, and age on each page. THere were noted fro past readers in te margin of some pages. It felt heavy in your hands, but the sentimental value was worth it. You were sure he would love it at first sight. You asked her to wrap it, then paid for the purchase. Finally you were home. Your couch called out to you, tempting you to rest in its snuggly comfort. Taking a blanket from the stand, you wrapped yourself in a cacoon, them popped down for a nap.

By the end of the evening, the choreography was mostly set, and they were finished. Fatigued and sore, they made their way back to the dorm quietly. “Hoseok, can you hang back a minute?” Namjoon asked as he tugged at Hoseok’s sleeve. “Sure, what’s up?”

“What you said earlier, about me thinking about Y/N. Maybe you are a little bit right. Don’t make a big deal out of it, but yesterday, she was.” Hoseok cut in “Beautiful? Hot? Stunning? Yeah, she was. And did you see how she looked at you Mr. Dapper? She could not take her eyes off you in the mirror. We all noticed it. But really, Joon, she is pretty, and I think you two have a special bond forming.”

“Really? I guess. We are both passionate about what we do. We get caught up in the moment. And yeah, she was beautiful last night. Just please don’t say anything to anyone. I mean, it’s just a little crush, honestly.” Namjoon and Hoseok arrived at the dorm, the others already showered and in bed. “Night Hoseok, and remember what we talked about.” Hoseok nodded then entered his room.

The remainder of the week flew by. You ate lunch almost everyday with them, only missing out when you had to meet with a few people about the upcoming scene shoots. Friday night, you met with them to finalize the set designs and get their approvals. You kept Namjoon’s in a separate hidden file, making the excuse that his wasn’t quite ready to see. Once ecstatic approvals were made, you closed the lap top. “Joon, I need you to meet with me tomorrow, to finalize your set. Can you all meet with me, say around noon? I already cleared it with Hitman Bang and he said you all could take the day to help out.”

“Sure, where do you want us to meet you?”

“I will give your driver the address, all you need to do is show up. Dress casually, and comfortably, it will be warm where we will be going.”

Saturday morning you were buzzing with excitement. You arrived at the park early, meeting with the young boy who would be part of Namjoon’s themed scene. The space was perfect. A river flowed quickly beside the tree. The tree was magnificent. Its branches were sturdy and long, the leaves giving a ample shade beneath. The grass was soft under your bared feet, almost like you were walking on carpet. You explained the the young boy what he was going to be doing. He was more than happy to get the chance to climb the huge old tree, and sitting on the lowest branch, he smiled down at you.

“That place right there is perfect! Are you about ready to start filming?” You nodded enthusiastically. The crew ate a quick bite, clearing everything just in time for the van to arrive. They stepped out of the van, looking around in awe. “Nice. Y/N/ THis place is so peaceful.” Jin told you as they took in the river and vast stretch of grass. “This place is ours all day” you told them. Namjoon came out last. He eyes scanned the scenery and then settled on you. Picking the wrapped book from your bag, you walked over to him. “This is your theme Joon. And this, this is a present for you. It’s part of your theme, but I got it especially for you to keep. I hope you like it.”

The staff and everyone backed away, leaving you and Namjoon your own personal bubble. Slowly, his long thin fingers untied the string bow. He careful unwrapped the parchment paper until the book lay visible in his hand. You watched closely as his eyes began to mist, the beginning of tears forming behind his lids. He gingerly opened the worn cover, inhaling the scent deeply. Shaky fingers turned page after page. Your heart swelled when you saw a single tear trace a path down his cheek. “This is for me? It’s gorgeous, Y/N. I- I can’t think of any words that would describe how special this is to me.” When he finally looked up from the book, his eyes were rimmed with unshed tears. Without a second thought, you stepped to him, wrapping your arms around his neck. A trembling arm slowly wrapped around your waist, hugging you close. “Thank you,Y/N. I will cherish this forever.” You leaned back, wiping the tears from his eyes with your thumb. “Now, now, its just a book. Also, we can’t have you crying during your shoot. So wipe those tears away, and lets get you in place.

Namjoon met with the young boy that would be representing his younger self. They got along splendidly as they talked about a mutual love of reading. Finally it was time to begin. The boy was helped to his spot on the limb above Namjoon. He leaned against the trunk,book open and laid on his chest. The young boy closed his eyes and relaxed. Then you placed Namjoon just below him, his new book in hand. He pulled his knees up and immediately started reading. You stepped back, camera in hand, and began snapping pictures. Ever photo was surreal. Namjoon lost in his imagination and thoughts, the young boy lazily resting as his dangling foot swayed back and forth. When you had finished, you thanked everyone in a hushed voice and excused them. The boy climbed down and you thanked him for his help. You offered him the book which he was using as a prop and sent them on their way. All that was left were you and the six remaining members.

“You all can leave if you want. This is Namjoon’s day. I will stay nearby and wait for him. You driver will take you all back. Thank you for coming and sharing in this together. I hope you all like the final outcome.”

“You really are an amazing kind person, Y/N. I know he will remember this day for a very long time. He hasn’t had time like this since we debuted. Thank you for giving it to him” Yoongi, in his awkward way, pulled you into a hug, releasing you just as quickly as it had happened. “You’re welcome Yoongi. I’ll talk to you all later. I will get him home safely.”

When everyone was gone, you walked several yards away, leaving Namjoon in his own little world. You watched as he turned each page over with such tender care, making sure not to bend the pages. His long legs stretched out in the grass, crossing at the ankles as he leaned back against the strong trunk of the tree. The sunlight that shone through basked him in a soft glow, creating a near angelic image. YOu snapped a few more pictures before you settled down and let the sun bathe you in its warmth. You closed your eyes as the rushing river played out a song of its birth. I told you of its time and travels. It sang of those who drank its cool waters and swam in its shallow banks.

“Y/N, hey. Time to wake up. The sun’s almost setting.” Namjoon, knelt down beside you, gently shaking you awake. He had watched you sleeping for several minutes, silently wondering what he had done in his past life to deserve such a special gift as what you had given him today. His soul felt renewed, his heart full and peaceful. This is why she kept it a secret from him, she didn’t want to spoil the moment, didn’t want to ruin the serene atmosphere that engulfed him. He silently thank you for everything. For the precious book he held in his hand, and for the time to listen to the river’s song and the wind’s melody. He had never met a kindred soul like his, but he was beginning to think he had found it in you.

“What time is it?” your voice was groggy from sleep and you weren’t aware that you had drifted off. “It’s almost six. We need to get back for dinner or else they will think we’ve been kidnapped.” He offered you his hand to help you sit up. Straightening out the long sundress, you rose to your feet. Namjoon held your waist until you were steady. You felt your heart racing at the innocent touch, your face blushing.

“I want to thank you for today. For all of it. I have never had anyone give me something so, kind, and thoughtful.” He looked down into your still sleep-laden eyes, a tugging at his heart to lean down and kiss you. Throwing caution to the wind, he bent his head down. His hand came up to cup your cheek before slowly pressing his lips to yours. It was a tentative kiss, barely even there, but he felt it through to his core. Your fingers wrapped around his arm, holding yourself upright, grounding yourself to him. It was the softest of kisses, like stepping into an ocean as a child for the first time. He didn’t try to deepen it, made no move to ask for more. It was over just as it had begun. Your eyes opened to find him looking at you with apprehension.

“I’m sorry. I just felt like-” you placed a finger to his lips, shushing him kindly. “It was perfectly fine, Joon. It was perfect.” You could still feel his touch on your cheek. Placing your hand over his, you pressed it to you. Your head leaned into the caress, and all thought process left you. “Would you mind if I kissed you again?” He replied by snaking his arm around your waist and bring you closer to him. You could feel his heart beating rapidly in his chest as you lifted yourself upon your toes. The second kiss held more feeling, the connection more intense. He let you guide the kiss to where you wanted it to go. Your lips parted, his tongue slipping past them with ease. He tasted sweet, like cotton candy, and warm. It felt like home in his arms. The way you two melded together, tongues exploring the warmth of the other. You felt yourself becoming dizzy from a simple kiss. But this one was different from any other kiss.The electricity reached down into your inner being, took it by the hand and led it on a journey. It was mind blowing, soul wrenching and it was wonderful.

Breaking apart only after your lungs were begging for air, you felt yourself becoming light headed. He instinctively held you tightly against him as you leaned into his embrace. Your heart was racing and so was your mind. You had just kissed Kim Namjoon, and he had kissed you. What about the complications? What if someone saw? As if reading your mind, Namjoon rubbed your back in a soothing manner, relaxing you from any worry.

“We could be in big trouble if anyone saw that.” you whispered against his chest.

“Yeah, we could, but I would do it all over again.” His voice was low and caring.

“Yeah, I would too.” and you meant it.

“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, but I’m not sorry that I kissed you. If you want, it will never happen again.” He pushed you back to look you in the eyes. “But if you do, I would be happy to kiss you a thousand times over.”

“I would like for that, but I have to think about you first. You are the leader of the biggest male Kpop group in the world. Everything you do has an effect on them too. I don’t want to be the one that brings you or the others grief, in any way. If this was another time, another place, I would love to get to know the real you, and see where this would go. But you are who you are to the public, and I can’t ruin that for any of you.”

He hugged you tightly, his head nodding but his heart denying what you were saying. His heart won this round. “Let’s try something. Let’s see where this goes, just like we have been doing. No one will be the wiser. If we see that we are growing closer, we will cross that bridge. If not, then nothing is different.”

“So you’re telling me, you may be willing to risk everything you have, if what he have blossoms into something more?” He nodded. “Okay, we’ll give it a try.” Taking both sides of your face in his hands, he tilted your head up, ghosting his lips over yours before claiming you in a heated kiss. Time and space disappeared in that moment, no sounds except that of both hearts beating in synch. You could feel the earth moving beneath you, all one thousand thirty seven miles per hour, your head spinning at the rate the world was. If you could capture this moment, draw it as you see it, you would. It would outshine any priceless painting.

Breathless and dizzy, he finally pulled his lips from yours, smiling against them before parting. “Let’s get you home.” He took your hand in his, interlacing his fingers with yours as you walked to the edge of the park. Dusk was settling overhead and the park was now empty. He had the freedom to hold your hand without repercussions until your ride arrived. It was dark when the car came both of you climbing in the back seat. Your head rested on his shoulder, the sound of him humming a tune, lulling you into a half-sleep daze. Once you arrived at your apartment, he kissed your cheek and said goodbye. “I’ll make sure to see you tomorrow.” he whispered in your ear. You gave a quick peck to his forehead and exited. Your fingers ran over your lips as you recalled his kisses. They were a heady aphrodisiac to your senses.

You phone chirped before you even entered your apartment.

Joon: thank you for today. I will hold it close to my heart forever.

Your couldn't help the smile they spread on your face. Seeing him happy made all your recent hard work with every minute. You set the letter on the stove and prepared to make yourself a mug of hot tea.

@min-shookga-yoongi @beautifulseoulliar @agustd-suga-yoongii @astronomyturtle @aspaceformyself @dreamyoongi @holy-yoong i@trashkazuya @maxinaptak @micky1518 @rosiemilas @karri570 @xjamlessparkx

#thekimlinenet #bts namjoon #namjooning #namjoon x reader #namjoon fluff #namjoon

32 notes · View notes

katzuyas · 6 years ago

Text

I’ve been tagged in so many things over the past couple of weeks that I honestly don’t even have much more bookmark space left in my browser RIP so I finally decided to do all of it at once, hence the title and the rest of this longass post under the cut

bc there’s a lot of the tag games down there and tagging a million people would be annoying, I’m gonna tag 10 of you to grab a dice and roll it to figure out which meme you’re tagged for ^u^)b if you roll the same number twice, count that meme as the start from which to count and roll again! I hope you like this idea, but it’s only a suggestion so feel free to do whatever you want tbh?

@sweet-vitya, @gabzjones, @and-then-yoi-happened, @etherealalchemist, @joeys-piano, @quadruplyyours, @yuliaplisetskaya, @dreaming-fireflies, @teekettle, @iwritebetterthanispeak, @chessala

enjoy, if you want! 💕💕

tagged by @endlesscloudsoftime, thank you for the tag!!

rules: answer 20 questions, then tag 20 bloggers that you want to get to know better.

1. Name: kat

2. Nicknames: same tbh

3. Height: 170cm

4. Orientation: who knows who cares (it’s pan)

5. Nationality: polish

6. Favorite fruit: mango, cherries, I love watermelon too but the seeds piss me off too much to fully enjoy it

7. Favorite season: anything that doesn’t make me sweat off my skin but isn’t also freezing my toes is more than fine with me ^u^)b

8. Favorite plant: I don’t think I have any favs here

9. Favorite scent: I have this yankee candle ‘sweet candies’ and I can just DIE wrapped in that scent holy sheet (when it comes to perfume tho I’m a sucker for the original chloe, but I also love calvin klein’s euphoria bc it’s just Fresh)

10. Favorite color: any pastel really

11. Favorite animal: MY SWEET PUPPER HINA (so yes, dogs)

12. Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: coffee sometimes, TEA AND GREEN TEA AND VANILLA CHAI!!!!!!, hot chocolate is a nope

13. Average sleep hours: I always try for 8h bc otherwise I’m a zombie, but it doesn’t always work out so... I’m a part-time zombie anyway lmao

14. Dog or cat person: ISN’T THE PIC PROOF ENOUGH THAT I LOVE MY FURRY DOGGO SON

15. Favorite fictional character: victor nikiforov. that’s it. that’s all. we can all go home now

16. Number of blankets you sleep with: 1 + a duvet bc I like being cosy

17. Dream trip: japan, always. but another one would be a trip to the harry potter universal store or the noble collection store I guess

18. Blog created: who even remembers this pffff (somewhen in august 2011 I think)

19. Number of followers: I’m just gonna say it’s a four number figure ;3c

20. Random fact: I’m currently rewatching lord of the rings and procrastinating writing so YES I’M A NERD AND A BAD PERSON AHAHA //sweats

tagged by @story-kat -- thanks love, I actually really like these so it was great fun to do 💕

Rules: using only song titles from one artist/band, cleverly answer the questions and then tag people

artist/band: one ok rock

what is your gender: stuck in the middle

how do you feel: jaded

if you could go anywhere: start again

favorite mode of transportation: mighty long fall

your best friend: wherever you are

favorite time of day: taking off

if your life was a tv show: liar

relationship status: hard to love

your fear: bombs away

tagged by @endlesscloudsoftime, thanks again!! ahaha I feel like I’ll be saying this a lot today, but you spoil me /)u(\

Rules: tag 9 people you want to know better or just because you feel like it.

Relationship status: taken ;3c

Favorite color: any pastels, really

Last song I listened to: still the lord of the rings ost

Last movie I watched: lord of the rings lol two towers ^u^)b

Top 3 tv shows: game of thrones (bc I love my fantasy shit), rein (bc I love my history shit), and american housewife (bc I love laughing and this show is Hilarious with the capital H)

Top 3 characters: victor nikiforov bc I adore him, hinata shouyou bc he’s my sunshine son and I gotta mention miyuki kazuya bc his smirks still keep me awake at night 😍😍😍

What I’m currently reading: honestly? my own writes bc I have no time for anything other than editing orz

tagged by @themayflynans and @endlesscloudsoftime, thank you both!! 💕

A - Age: 26

B - Birthplace: poland

C - Current time: 11:50am

D - Drink you last had: just some coke

E - Easiest person to talk to: nowadays it’s gotta be @saniika and @and-then-yoi-happened bc I know I can be as salty and upset as I feel when I talk to them and that it’s alright to just let it all out which is something I wish for everyone to have 💕

F - Favourite song: don’t have one tbh

G - Grossest memory: back in elementary school my class was in warsaw to see the big zoo there and one of the chimpanzees just projectile shat all over our teacher and it was simultaneously the most awesome and the fucking WORST bc she smelled like shit the whole trip back home ugh

H - Horror yes or horror no: depends on what kind of horror but generally? meh

I - In love?: no idea tbh but definitely comfortable in my relationship

J - Jealous of people?: you’ve no idea. jelly and bitter.

L - Love at first sight or should i walk by again?: walk by and actually tell me you’re interested bc I’m a blind pan who is easily confused

M - Middle name: magdalena ;3c

N - Number of siblings: 0

O - One wish: Been keeping Salty’s answers here - yes, to learn to love myself.

P - Person you called last: my mom lol she’s the only one I call, really

Q - Question you are always asked: "so when will you start looking for a job?”

R - Reason to smile: VICTUURI!!!!!!!!!!!!!

S - Song you sang last: oh man I don’t even remember, I don’t really sing out loud

T - Time you woke up: these days? 6:30am

U - Underwear colour: sea green-blue, turquoise?

V - Vacation destination: I’m going to japan next year to see ice adolescence even if it kills me

W - Worst habit: biting the inside of my cheeks bloody

X - X-rays: my hand when I had a small accident playing badminton, my jaw for my braces

Y - Your favourite food: PIZZA HELLO

Z - Zodiac sign: gemini ;3c

tagged by @theexitgarden and @endlesscloudsoftime, bless you both and thank you for thinking of the old me 💕

1st RULE: Tag 9 people you want to get to know better:

we’ll be skipping this one bc of reasons //sweats

2nd RULE: BOLD the statements that are true.

APPEARANCE: - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo -I have at least one piercing - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY: - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know - I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY: - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory- I am good at doing math in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES: - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in a orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority- I do some form of Martial arts

EXPERIENCES: - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite bands concert

MY LIFE: - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling- I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smartphone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS: - I am in a relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM: - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages - I have made a new friend in the past year

tagged by @story-kat and @endlesscloudsoftime (astea m’dude ur tagging me in everything and I love you for it)

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE SONG(S) TO SING?

I will most often hum or mouth lyrics when I’m writing and my brain gets distracted so it usually is some sort of acoustic cover of a rather popular song, like despacito? lol WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE FLOWER/TREE/PLANT?

I don’t have one tbh FAVOURITE COLOURS?

anything pastel!! WHAT DO YOU ALWAYS DOODLE?

I don’t anymore but it used to be some random squigglies??

HOW DO YOU TAKE YOUR COFFEE/TEA?

2.5 teaspoon of sugar into both + 1/4 milk/cream into the coffee and 1/4 cold water into the tea FAVOURITE CANDLE SCENT?

SWEET CANDIES FROM YANKEE CANDLE. BURY ME IN THIS. SUNRISE OR SUNSET?

sunrise bc I don’t even see sunsets anymore (I’m asleep then lol) WHAT PERFUME DO YOU WEAR?

the original chloe is what I like most but I would die for dior’s j’adore, it’s so nice 😍😍😍 in the summer I’m wearing masaki’s fluo tho bc it’s sweet and summery

WHAT’S YOUR GO-TO DANCE MOVE WHEN YOU’RE ALONE?

butt wiggling? maybe? idk man I never really thought about it? lol FAVOURITE QUOTE?

“Because people don’t have wings, we look for other ways to fly.” -- somehow this one always sticks with me bc it’s so beautiful and vivid that you’d never say it’s from a japanese cartoon lmao

FAVOURITE SELF CARE ROUTINE(S)?

sleeping, kicking back and watching some dumb movie that won’t make me think of anything but how dumb it is

FUZZY SOCKS OR HOUSE SLIPPERS?

both? I like fuzzy socks in winter but in summer I go barefoot but sometimes u gotta have something between your skin and the floor so = slippers WHAT COLOUR ARE YOUR EYES?

brown

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE EYE COLOUR ON OTHERS?

I don’t honestly care but blue eyes when they’re very light creep me out somehow FAVOURITE SEASON? WHY?

don’t have one but as long as it’s not too hot or too cold I’m good NECK, CHEEK, OR NOSE KISSES?

depends on what you want to achieve? neck kisses will have me melting, cheek kisses smile and nose kisses giggle and possibly blush so YEA THERE’S THAT

WHAT DOES YOUR HAPPY PLACE LOOK LIKE?

it’s my room. that’s it. this is my happy place

FAVOURITE BREED OF DOG?

ANY DOGGO IS A GOOD DOGGO AS LONG AS IT’S NOT THOSE SMOL ONES WHO BITE UR ANKLES FOR NO REASON DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE MARRIED?

idk, I mean yes I’d like to be married one day but I’m not really in any hurry to get there? CURSIVE OR PRINT?

I don’t honestly care

FAVOURITE WEATHER?

cloudy but not too cold

tagged by @story-kat, thanks for the tag babe!!

Rules: bold what you prefer and tag 10 people.

coffee or tea

early bird or night owl

chocolate or vanilla

spring or fall

silver or gold (BOTH! BOTH IS GOOD)

pop or alternative

freckles or dimples

snakes or sharks

mountains or fields

thunderstorm or lightning

Egyptian or Greek mythology

ivory or scarlet

flute or lyre

eyes or lips

witch or fairy

opal or diamond

butterflies or honeybees

macaroons or eclairs

typewritten or handwritten letters

secret garden or secret library

rooftop or balcony

spicy or mild

opera or ballet

London or Paris

Vincent van Gogh or Claude Monet

denim or leather

potions or spells

ocean or desert

mermaid or siren

masquerade ball or cocktail party

tagged by @endlesscloudsoftime, thanks for this omg I actually wanted to do this one!! 💕💕

THE AO3 TAG GAME:

WHAT IS YOUR TOTAL WORD COUNT ON AO3?

869 938! holy sheet I’m so close to 1mil???? wowowow o.O

HOW OFTEN DO YOU WRITE?

I try to write every day, but these days (with renovations going on and my sleeping schedule all fucked up) it’s really hard to find the time and focus to do it orz

DO YOU HAVE A ROUTINE FOR WRITING?

I actually do! or I did when I was still regularly writing lol it was something like this: cracking open an energy drink, lighting up my fav scented candle, booting up itunes and my writing playlist and generally just spending 5-6h just writing 💕

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE KINKS/TROPES/PAIRING?

kinks: pet play, public or semi-public play, voyeurism, doggy style, also actually BOTTOM VITYA,

tropes: reverse au, time travel, famous aus,

pairing: victuuri. no seconds. we die like man and only stan one (1) gay ship

DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE FIC OF YOURS?

I don’t necessarily have an absolute fav but a fic that I still remember fondly and am beyond sad that got little to no attention is: if there’s a will, there’s a way bc I worked my ass off for it and I love every bit of it so? give it a read if you want to?

YOUR FIC WITH THE MOST KUDOS?

dazzle me with gold which will be getting an update this weekend ;3c

ANYTHING YOU DON’T LIKE ABOUT YOUR WRITING?

recently? everything. I’m just broken and idk how to fix it bc I can’t even find a good moment to try so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

NOW SOMETHING YOU DO LIKE (ABOUT YOUR WRITING)?

how sweet and soft everything is when I’m in a good mood bc victuuri deserves this kind of love and I’m so happy writing it for them 🙏🙏🙏

tagged by @amaanogawa, thanks so much ems!!!

1) How many works in progress to do you currently have in progress?

one actual wip and like... 5 more that just sit and wait their turn? //sweats

2) Do you/would you write fan fiction?

rip that’s all I write too... tbh I used to write original fiction before but I find myself much less constricted by fanfic? I can explore the characters here more than I can in original fiction where worldbuilding takes most effort

3) Do you prefer paper books or ebooks?

oh definitely paper! if I could I’d buy printed out fanfic too!

4) When did you start writing?

I was about 12 I think? it all started with harry potter, like everything else has, and I regret not a second of it!

5) Do you have someone you trust that you share your work with?

sometimes when i get very excited about what i’m writing i’ll tell my fandom friends about the specific AU that i’m writing about but in terms of reading the full length fic, i don’t have anyone that i let read before anyone else. it’ll be on ao3 for everyone at the same time.

6) Where is your favourite place to write?

my desk, my pc. I can write on my phone but I like to edit as I go and it’s hard to do on the phone.

7) Favourite childhood book?

do I even need to say it? harry potter

8) Writing for fun or writing for publication?

for fun, but with the aim of possible future publication maybe?

9) Pen and paper or computer?

always computer. i have only recently begun writing fics on my phone because i’ve been traveling a lot and i don’t always have my laptop on my person, but it’s still much more comfortable to sit down and type on a proper keyboard.

10) Have you ever taken any writing classes?

at my uni, yes. and it completely sucked bc they didn’t teach anything, just had us write random shit for 3 years so eh

11) What inspires you to write?

everything? like, any random thing or thought I’m instantly trying to weave into my writing, turn it into a prompt. every new experience is just a basis for me to write on.

but if you’re asking WHY I write: I don’t even know, I’ve never thought about it? it’s kind of like asking why I breathe ahaha I just do? it’s a part of me? idk man idk

tagged by @themayflynans, thanks for this love!!

7/7/7 tag

The rules are as follows: Go to page 7 of your WIP, go to the seventh line, share seven sentences, and tag 7 more writer-bloggers to continue the challenge.

oh wow ok this is a difficult one bc I don’t think I even have a wip 7 pages long //sweats let me see... aha, okay, I found one! from back in march when I asked people to send me over some numbers for one of those writing memes and @theexitgarden I believe (??) sent me the prompt “I don’t think anyone could be as lovely as you” for victuuri and I kind of got a blind!victor au from it?? wELP here’s the fragment of it:

His music is vibrant in a way that he couldn't play on his piano alone and the clap of the blades that he can hear from the speakers of his TV makes him only more certain – this boy, Yuuri Katsuki, is skating to the sound of Victor's soul as if it's his own.

He never notices the tears that well up in his eyes until they roll down his cheeks and Makkachin presses against his side, whimpering in concern. Victor runs a trembling hand through her soft fur and takes a deep breath. And then, he decides.

"Yasha," he says when his former coach, his father in all but blood picks up Victor’s call. "I want to do this."

And he does it.

tagged by @endlesscloudsoftime again, boy you spoil me ahaha

1. Which fictional character would be the most boring to meet in real life?

I have no idea tbh bc even the characters I don’t like wouldn’t be exactly boring, so??? I honestly don’t know

2. What problem or situation did TV / movies make you think would be common, but when you grew up you found out it wasn’t? (i’m lowkey taking a jab at hsm because thanks Disney for making me think high school would be awesome)

hooking up with people ALL THE TIME when you’re in your 20s bc wtf what a bold-faced lie omg

3. What would be on the gag reel of your life?

"how many times can kat click her tongue at random strangers who piss her off by breathing the same air?” and a manip of all the eyerolls I do bc let me tell you... THERE’S A LOT

4. What does “infinite” mean to you?

my love for victor nikiforov

5. If your life was a movie, what songs would be on the soundtrack?

definitely lots of acoustic vibes and harry potter tunes and I can bet your ass that I’d have the yeah yeah yeah ost from yoi bc it’s such a banger and I LOVE IT but also dramatic classical violin and piano bc they pull on my heart and I am weak

6. What item would be your top choice to make into a horcrux?

honestly? my phone probably. I don’t necessarily have other things close to me that I’d use with enough heart to be of any significance to me

7. Who would play you in a movie about your life?

??? no idea lol I’d love for it to be katherine mcnamara bc 1) we share names, 2) her red hair is gorgeous and I’m a redhead, 3) SHE is gorgeous and I’d love to be portrayed by someone that hot 😍😍😍

8. Most relatable scene from any book/movie/anime/etc.?

yuuri’s little gasp when he first saw victor skating bc HARD SAME MY SWEET SON HARD SAME

9. If you were shrunk down and somehow got stuck in a blender, how would you get out?

I’d jump from side to side of it to try and rock it a bit and see if I can flip it over and get out that way? idk man what is this question lol

10. Would you count manga as a piece of literature? Why or why not?

ofc I would? honestly, some manga have even better storylines than written fiction why WOULDN’T it be counted as a piece of literature

11. compliment yourself. (joey, you’re just to freaking good to at making up questions).

oh man... //sweats umm??? good job me on not breaking down yet bc the renovations keep being awful and you’re handling it well?? maybe lol

tagged by @theexitgarden, thanks love, once more!

RULES: Choose any three fandoms (in random order) and answer the questions, then tag 10 people you want to know better.

Three Fandoms:

Yuri!!! on Ice

Ace of Diamond

Haikyuu!!

The First Character You Loved:

victor. he’s voiced by suwajun, do I really need to say more?

miyuki!! gosh I do love my asshole sons snarky and mean

hinata bc he’s a ray of sunshine and I even named my doggo after him 💕

The Character You Never Expected To Love So Much:

I gotta copy you garden bc chris took me by surprise too! my love for him started from that little sad look he gave us in the kiss and cry and it blossomed beautifully over time ahhh

sanada omg?? he is literally baseball kuroo so I was not expecting it but I fully embraced it lmao

iwaizumi bc I’m not one to like the mothering types but he’s??? actually so kind and sweet under all that harsh Manly facade it’s so cute

The Character You Relate To The Most:

victor, I’d say, or so I like to think

honestly? miyuki. just look at my url lol

oikawa, probably...

The Character You’d Slap:

I wouldn’t actually, but yurio deserves a good kick on the butt

um??? kataoka? bc TF U MEAN U DON’T KNOW WHO THE ACE SHOULD BE WE KNEW IT FROM THE FIRST CHAPTER YOU DUMBASS

early tsukki bc he’s could use it tbqh

Three Favorite Characters (in order of preference):

victor, yuuri, chris

miyuki, eijun, mei

hinata, kuroo, oikawa

A Character You Liked At First, But Don’t Anymore:

no one like that in yoi tbh, my love is only growing

kataoka lol

umm???? idk

A Character You Didn’t Like At First But Do Now:

seung-gil, I’d say. he grew on me lol

raichi, I guess??

to say tsukki, I’d have to actually like him now but it’s more difficult than that bc I didn’t like him at first but now can tolerate him so?? does it count?

Three OTPs:

victuuri, phichimetti, and the third would be very problematic bc I honestly don’t ship anything else in yoi?

miyusawa, chrisawa, sanasawa

KUROHINA YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, oihina, bokuhina

tagged by @sleep-furiously, thanks for the tag, love!!

post five facts about myself ❤

I have a sweet doggo who is the light of my life 💕

I write good shit sometimes

I believe I have good taste

I’m a snark machine when certain buttons are pressed

patience levels run at 0%

wow ok this was A LOT to go through and it took me like 3h to do this holy sheet but at least I had fun and now I have my firefox bookmark free so that’s awesome ahhh!! thanks so much again to everyone for the tags, you guys are amazing and I’m lucky to have you 💕💕💕💕

#tag game #I actually love this banner??#it's a quick one but I love it #I'm a pastel bunny at heart who knew #but BOY IS THERE A LOT OF ANSWERS UNDER THE CUT #HOOOOLY SHEET #I'm beat #but it was fun ngl #thank you for the tags!!

21 notes · View notes

ryodan · 7 years ago

Note

Do you watch Boruto? What do you think of the newest episode that covers Gaiden? Satisfactory or no?

ask me something you’ve always wondered

no I dont ahh its too childish and fillery for my taste. I am on 4G and i’m using my data to read and watch Haikyuu!! plus update my tumblr and study (ill watch gaiden when the whole thing is out when im back home with stable wifi). From what i’ve seen i’d give the animated rendition a 5/10. I am not impressed tbh, the animation style after the last kept going down hill and it’s at lowest point rn. The characters look nothing like their manga counterparts and they aren’t even trying to make them look better, the designs are messed up, the animation is so stiff it’s like you can TELL they used the same drawing and frames to avoid spending money. I am beyond done with SP. That scene with Sarada in the library is just unnecessarily stupid and makes no sense and the lead up to gaiden just shat on ss with the 2 minute date bullshit. People bitch that people who complain are setting the bar too high but? do these people even WATCH anime? Naruto has been shat on by the rest of the anime community for its shitty animation quality, inconsistent fillers and annoying fan base.

‘they just want to meet a weekly deadline!’ then fucking WAIT like other animation studios do…don’t fuck up kishimotos immaculate art, dont destory Tokyo Ghouls story in s2 and don’t help fuel Bleach’s shipping wars you unprofessional shit house. Why are anime like SNK, BNHA and Haikyuu!! held at such high standards? They give themselves time to ensure the best project execution. I am not asking SP to wait 90 years like SNK but holy fuck the amount of fillers and shitty animation quality is a viral joke at this point..RIGHT after the wedding episodes (which were made to be ugly comic relief style to avoid budget overload) boruto was released which already meant screwed up stiff frame animation that makes me so annoyed because SP CAN do better..they did some crisp frames for bleach, some beautiful fluid fights in naruto, some seamless frames in TG and all in all have had some great graphics. If they can pull some amazing animations like that then how good will they be if they fucking WAIT and do the simplest job- give people what’s in the manga since you are shitty writers and animate to the best of their capacity. Stop with the excessive fillers that shit on characters and add plot holes to the original work that the author worked so hard on and simply do your god damn job.

A simple example since -ic yall havent noticed ive been wanking the haikyuu!! series a lot lately- you started this rant, lets look at these two animation frames of 2 hinatas, one more superior than the other

see how the animation literally focuses on one drawing, moving the frame and adding that effect to give the LEAST amount of effort into the animation? Anime is meant to be pretty and fluid, this is literally just MOVING LINES.

look at this fluid ass eye shot where EVERYTHING is thought out, down to the wind motions moving the hair as he jumps. There is more than one drawing of the eye to give the scene fluidity and even the ‘still’ frames such as his hair are drawn more than once to make them move seamlessly and give them kinetic momentum. The hair moves with the wind and the eye focuses on the enemy as he moves. Thats an animation.

In fact, further wanking haikyuu!! (and literally any other series with a studio that gives a shit) here is a fun fact: in an animation of orange boys eyes, they are made to move with MULTIPLE different drawings, as much as SIXTY different drawings for an animation that lasts less than 5 seconds…and then when the studio goes into one drawing animations they make sure to add movements, shadings and vibrant backgrounds to still make everything look appeasing to the eye and fluid. Compare that to SP who do one drawing FULL BODY frames and do their best to avoid spending time and money to yield results that are as beautiful as THIS

In that jump scene the camera angle and fade out is literally just made to symbolize one of the characters view of the match as he is so absorbed into giving the jumping kid the ball and is so singularly focused on the ball…this goes FULL circle (yes they even kept that much attention to detail in mind) when the match is then shown in an objective manner for the audience with the camera angle showing us the height of his jump and it shaking to show us the impact of it all and then fades out again because orange kid is focusing as he spikes the ball…it’s literally a beautiful piece of animation. They went as far as animating an exaggerated idealized CORRECT and accurate to real life volleyball pose..the attention to detail pays off immensely.

Even when on a budget, anime is the art of animation..the entire genre of media is based on aesthetic animation. Every shading, shadow, camera angle given by the director, frame and drawing makes a huge difference to the visual story telling aspect of the story. SP not only fucks up the basic definition of an anime but they ALSO add their shitty writing to top it off.

sorry for the rant omg I went off on a tangent.

What about you? What do yall think?

#boruto #ng #sasusaku #anti sp #naruto #bleach #tokyo ghoul #snk #bnha #haikyuu!!#kyoandyuya #my dad is a computer engineer #my brother is a graphic designer #can u tell

112 notes · View notes

trendingnewsb · 7 years ago

Text

5 Sucky Things That Suck On Purpose

This may come as a surprise, but I like it when things don’t suck. In fact, I would say that I devote 80 percent of my efforts toward avoiding suckage. Sadly, though, I can’t control the actions of others, and I won’t ever be able to until The Device is perfected. But until then, some people make shitty things, and the rest of us have to deal with it. And while we can comfort ourselves with the knowledge that everyone makes mistakes as we eat a pizza which inexplicably arrived topped with double olives and pineapple, there’s no solace in the knowledge that some people do shitty things entirely on purpose. On that note, here are five terrible things which people made fully knowing that they’d be terrible.

The Google Glass Battery

If you were sober or literate in 2013 and 2014, you may have had to endure the deluge of tech profiles and extremely not-boring thinkpieces on Google Glass. If you could not in fact read or legally drive in 2013 and 2014, Google Glass was basically Google’s answer to the question “What’s a super expensive piece of shit I can intrusively wear on my face which will obscure my vision and make anyone around me fearful that I’m videotaping them like some kind of creeper?” You know, a question that we’ve all asked.

While most of us immediately dismissed Glass as being about as appealing as a herpes scab parfait, there were naturally a few fans who couldn’t wait to be the dollar store version of Geordi LaForge. But even amongst those die-hard tech fluffers, there was a clear issue: Glass had a battery that sucked like a leech in the coldest recesses of the vacuum of space.

The battery life of Google Glass clocked in at around 45 minutes, meaning that you had just enough time to stream yourself watching one episode of Young Sheldon and then crying about it afterwards before it shut off. Google tried to explain this away as an intentional design feature that was actually beneficial and not an example of a battery assembled by a one-eyed guy in an flea market who smells like cats.

According to Google, your cellphone is just a dangerous espionage device constantly listening to you from your pants pocket and maybe sending all that sweet, sweet pants gossip back to Samsung or the Kingsmen or whoever the fuck cares what you’re doing. So in an effort to heroically protect you from filthy spies, Google intentionally made a shitty battery so that the New World Order agents will only be able to watch half of your masturbation session before they’re left hanging. Suck it, dickholes! You’ll never know how this one ends!*

*Hastily, with a climactic yawp.

Low-Quality Viral Commercials

In 2011, the internet was blessed with one of the worst commercials for a taxidermy business that anyone had ever seen. I say this not as a connoisseur of taxidermy ads, but as a logical human being. Also, do taxidermy places really need commercials? What more needs to be said, other than “Hey! Do you like wolves, but hate the bitey, movey kinds?”

youtube

This commercial for Ojai Valley Taxidermy featured the one-two punch of Chuck Testa’s taxidermy skill and acting, and made us all fall in love with the stuffed corpse of a coyote and the overall awfulness of the entire experience. It was poorly made, clearly cheap, and its only redeeming quality was that all of the badness made it charming as hell. Chuck Testa became an internet hero. And it was all bullshit.

Testa is just one of many viral commercial stars made famous for being in videos often shared as “the worst commercial I’ve ever seen.” One commercial for a mall from 2014 featured employees singing a jingle that sounded like a cross between 3 a.m. barf-in-your-own-shoe-drunk karaoke and a cat stuck in a well. It sucked large, and people went nuts about it.

youtube

For a local business trying to drum up some attention, you have two options: Legitimately make a forgettable, boring, low-budget commercial which blandly explains whatever you’re trying to sell, or roll the dice on potentially going viral by making an abomination. Create such an abysmal crime against advertising that the sun refuses to shine when the video is playing and birds immediately stop singing and synchronize-shit on your car. Make it so bad that everyone immediately shares it with everyone they know. And then your craptastic commercial becomes an internet sensation.

They say people are ten times as likely to share a bad experience with a business than a good one. People like to complain more than they like to praise, probably because if something goes right, it fits in with your expectations and is therefore unremarkable. It’s only when things go wrong that you get worked up and make a stink over it. So when you see a commercial that damn near offends you with its utter fuckshittery, you’ll share that monstrosity with everyone. And that’s exactly what they want.

Web Brutalism

When I first got the internet in my house as a kid, we got a state-of-the-art, badass, lightning-fast 56k modem. I could download an MP3 in like ten minutes, and sometimes an entire dirty picture would load up before something went buggy and the poor woman was cut off at the knees. And seven out of every ten websites looked like a low-res My Little Pony pony ralphed cotton candy and Four Loko across a small-town church bulletin board.

As time passed, we all grew up and became better people with better websites. Dancing baby GIFs gave way to interstitial ads and Flash videos. Designs that looked like they were made by a guy with vinegar in his eyes working in the dark faded away, and sleek, professionally designed mega porn sites took their place. It was a great time to be alive. Or so we thought, because I guess people got sick of things that don’t look like shit and Web Brutalism was born.

If the terribly cheesy name didn’t give it away, Web Brutalism is a kind of artsy shitsy internet aesthetic. You purposefully make your website look like the south end of a northbound horse. Ugly, disorganized graphics, shockingly off-putting colors, a veritable dumpster of design techniques shat out onto a screen — if your site doesn’t look a fourth-grader’s glue and cardboard collage, you’ve failed.

A classically bad website was designed on Angelfire by your aunt who collects figurines of Jesus playing sports when she wanted to do something to commemorate her love of beat poetry. Some links were unclickable, images didn’t quite line up right, and it had charm in the same way your macaroni artwork had charm to your mom, who never told you that it looked like shit because she loved you. By the way, your macaroni art looked like shit. It’s cool, though, mine looked like the shit that shit takes after eating shit sandwiches. And somehow, someone decided a forced version of that was a good idea.

Web Brutalism seeks to make a website harder to navigate and uglier to look at than a fine, upstanding site, like the one you’re currently enjoying. Why? The answer is best summed up in this quote I heard from a guy in a bar once: “Fuckin’ because.”

Bioware’s Female Designs

Back in the day when I had an NES, there were basically two female characters you could name across the spectrum of video game characters: Princesses Peach and Zelda, and I don’t even think Zelda was actually in her game. But I did beat Super Mario Bros. 2, and Peach helped a brother out on that one, so yeah, you could say I’m like a video game feminist or some such. Which is why Bioware’s curious history with female characters is such a headscratcher.

Bioware makes some pretty impressive-looking games, like Mass Effect, and the character designs are amazing. There is a definite problem with some of them, though, insofar as that amazingness is in how straight up nuts-on-a-donkey ugly they are.

When Mass Effect: Andromeda was released, fans were quick to notice that the male version of the player character, Ryder, looks super badass and cool and almost exactly like the male model who lent his likeness to the game designers. The female version of Ryder looks like the model if you rolled her in a sack of sadness and didn’t let her sleep for four days while feeding her a straight diet of CHUD.

Twitter

So why, if you have the ability to render characters in a way that makes them look like not vaguely emotive ballsacks, would you make your character look like a vaguely emotive ballsack? This one requires a bit of creative tinkering in the ol’ thinky bag, but it does make sense. Female characters in gaming, as you may be aware, have a bit of a lackluster history in terms of realistic representation. After Princess Peach, the next big name in lady characters was Lara Croft, who was at first presented as polygonal boobs on blocks, and then later as well-vectored boobs on well-vectored short pants. And thus began a tradition of most video game women being little more than boobs and confusion. So maybe Bioware makes their female characters less appealing on purpose so as to not be considered sexist or douchey.

youtube

Bioware has never come out and said they’ve made purposefully ugly characters. They have acknowledged abhorrent animation issues and terrible facial expressions which they set to work on fixing, but fans were all pretty convinced that there had to be more behind the distractingly objectionable visages of the female characters. As noted gamer nerd and feminist Lisa Kerzner argues in her video, it looks an awful lot like Bioware put considerable effort into downplaying the character’s face to make her more of an ugmo hero type (but just in the face), while trying to pawn it off as a technical limitation. Despite the fact that numerous other games can feature women who don’t look like victims of barnyard mad science, including a lot of Bioware’s previous games.

Unfortunately, dealing with matters of sex, sexism, and gender in video games is like opening a bag of cat shit lined with explosive squibs right in your damn face. If you recall anything to do with Gamergate, you know this is ground no one wants to tread on, so you almost can’t blame Bioware for not saying jack shit about it, as you don’t want to feed any trolls. But at the same time, when it’s obvious that they can make a nearly identical male character, there’s clearly a reason they’re not putting that same kind of effort into their females.

Scam Email Grammar

Usually when I send emails, I spell the multi-syllable words incorrectly and use grammar that’s about as fucked as a friction-burnt Fleshlight. But that’s my own bugaboo to deal with, and has little-to-no bearing on the world of scam email.

The odds of you having never received a Nigerian scam email are slimmer than Slender Man’s weird dick, which I’ll tell you about sometime if you buy me a few beers. But for the sake of the kids in the audience who are reading this on the wall I inscribe all my articles on and have never received email before, a Nigerian scam email is a poorly worded piece of fuckery that shows up in your inbox claiming to be from some African prince who has millions of dollars tied up in banks overseas, and if you could just help pay some transfer fees, you can keep a buttload of it!

Typically, these emails use terrible grammar and atrocious spelling, not because the person sending you the email is a blithering idiot, but because they need you to be so gullible that you believe a Wakandan prince personally sent you a one-way ticket to being a millionaire, and he typed the message with a greasy turkey leg in his hand while riding a homemade roller coaster.

Most of us can identify a scam email right away. Another subsection of people will be suspicious but interested. And an even smaller division will write back to test the waters. The scammers want nothing to do with any of those people. They want the person who immediately responds with their bank account number in the signature line, because they only want to deal with people who may have mistaken a ham bone for Tony Danza more than once in their lives. So don’t be too proud if you recognize right away that someone sent you a weak as shit attempt at ripping you off; they just didn’t want you to waste their time.

Ian’s Twitter is awesome on purpose. Go look.

Does Troll 2 suck on purpose? Find out for yourself, and go down the rabbit hole of recommendations like Samurai Cop and more!