#“and he always will be” / “you said i was youer friend !” / “youre my friends! my family!” ILL ACTUALLY DIE | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mrsnancywheeler · 8 months ago

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Okay there was definitely a time where Billy and muse were broken up for a short period (whether it be a week to a month or two) and during that time she’d be with Eddie, the two just hooking up and hanging out the entire time. It’d be when the band is on a break, so Eddie wouldn’t have to record or anything and would be free to devote his time to muse. They’d be laying in bed one day, naked under the sheets just talking and then he’d be looking at you and just say “I love you.” And he can see you not really believing it after everything Billy’s done after saying he loves you but he fully explains his love saying like, “No, I’m serious. I mean, you’re it for me. I look in my future and I see you. You’re all I want to see.” And she just panics and leaves.

I've been thinking about this nonstop since you sent it bc you cooked so good

he's just made you see stars for the billionth time and you're laying there in the sheets, smiling at him, hand tracing up and down his collar bone, and he needs to tell you this is really it for him. endless time with you. "I love you."

and at first to you it's natural to say it back because you do love him, not just as your friend. your love is hard to explain, you love him, love him like a lover, like someone you always want to be with, but it's not the same way you love billy. billy is all consuming, his spark is your spark. with eddie it's calming, hazy, laying in the hammock on a warm summer evening. billy is like thrilling, exhilarating, like when the party is at the top of it's energy and you're dancing on top of the table with adrenaline pumping through you as you keep doing shots and screaming. right before the lull hits and you ache to go home. billy can also be the feeling of being cared for after the lull, your energy being given back, only after the cycle has done it's course though.

so it's not a lie when you say, "I love you too." back to eddie but he knows it's not the way he intends it to be. because why wouldn't you want to be with someone who you love and gives you the life of calm?

"I mean the type of love where I look ahead and it's your and me. forever. in our own house with kids, maybe, and just us forever. you're it for me. my whole life, my future, all I see is you."

(sidetrack, but this is giving for no one by the beatles "you want her, you need her, and yet you don't believer her when she says her love is dead, you think she needs you")

and youer stomach has a pit in it because you've told him since the beginning it'll never be him, but you feel so guilty and pity him. tears welling up, "eddie-"

"I know what you're going to say, but that's not who billy dunne is, that's not how it's gonna end up with him. I love you, there's no one else for me." you're sliding out of the bed, searching for clothes.

"eddie, I love him." and he knows exactly what you mean which makes him so angry that there's seemingly nothing he can do to escape the influence of billy dunne in your life.

"he's never going to pick you in the end, you know that right? he's gonna get sick of the push and pull, not going to call back because he did what he said he would. and found some other girl's tits to-"

"what the hell is wrong with you? eddie, it as never going to be you." you've paused, pants in hand as you stare at his shrinking figure.

"do you think that's any different to how billy feels about you?"

and it hurts because maybe he's right, maybe billy will get sick of you and not come crawling back, but you can't let thar idea fester. "eddie, I don't owe you anything." and you've got your pants on when he's climbed out of bed and is in front of you.

"I'm not always going to be around, waiting for you to come back when he doesn't want you." and the sick part of you doesn't believe him, because in your imagination he's always there for better and worse. you know it's not fair that eddie is to you is just always going to be around and wait for you, it's probably because you ache to feel wanted that bad, but you also when it comes down to it you don't really care.

"he'll want me, I love him."

"I love you." and you're gone with the wind, basically rushing out of the house as fast as possible while he's stimbli after.

"it's your house, you can't just leave!"

and you've barely rushed out a tearful, "I'm sorry" before you're slamming your car door and speeding out of the driveway. either to drive to the beach or to daisy's, only the night knows. leaving eddie to figure out what the hell he's supposed to do or how to leave.

you don't see him for a while (and because this has given me the perfect opportunity to discuss another layer) the next time you do is when billy has taken you back and you're at the studio. eddie just so happens to be with his new girlfriend, and you know it shouldn't make you upset, but it does. because like you're a concept to eddie, he's one to you, the devoted lover, the one who pines, not the one who has someone else. billy already has other girls. at first, it was fine when eddie had girlfriends, you encouraged him too, he was just your best friend, but this deep in, it started to feel like a betrayal.

and your sour mood isn't lost on billy, who has no idea what's wrong and swings from trying to figure it out to complete annoyance. daisy figured it out very fast, so did karen, but they say nothing. well, daisy does make some off-putting comments to eddie's new girlfriend.

and eddie totally did want to make you jealous, but he didn't want to make you upset with him which is exactly what's happened. all you do is make a spectacle about disagreeing with him, radiate anger, you don't laugh at any of his jokes, you've nearly gone through a whole pack of cigarettes. at one point you storm off for some air not long after she starts giggling and playing with eddie's hair.

and billy's so frustrated that he calls a break and does goes to take some lines, so eddie excuses himself to follow after you. "hey, what's up with you today?"

and you turn around, stare for a while in disbelief and anger, but then suddenly your lips are on his and he's just pulling you closer. and you keep going until neither of you can breath. eddie wants to rant about how you just expect him to always be there for you when you're not with him, but this feels like a win and also the look in your eyes makes his heart hurt. "don't leave me"

"never." and you're kissing him again, you end up pilli him inside just far enough to find a small room with a lock on the door to hook up in. and he loses the new girlfriend as quickly as possible.

of course this tactic doesn't work for you everytime but that's a story for another time

#wanda 💋#billy dunne #billy dunne x reader #eddie roundtree #djats x reader #nomorespaghetti

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ancdtlst · 4 years ago

Text

In The Shadows (ft. ONEWE Kanghyun)

References Master’s Sun Sell Your Haunted House Insidious 3

Characters: Leedo x Reader (ft. ONEWE Kanghyun) Genre: Supernatural & Fantasy

Description: You never feel warmth until you met him, your keeper. You and your brother have a special ability in which you both can see the dead. Where you want to be by his side all the time but he mistakenly thought you were taking advantage of him.

[Warning: This contain slightly strong language, mention of sexual activities and disturbing content that may not be suitable for some readers.]

Geonhak lost track on time on how long he has been standing in front of the door. He has been waiting for this day. He was both nervous and scared with the reaction he is going to see or will there will be any reaction. Before he entered the door, the man asks him again.

“Mr. Kim, I’d like to ask you again.”, the man paused. Geonhak slowly nod his head before turning to the man next to him, eyes with questions too. “What is the last thing you remember about her?”, he ask. Geonhak’s search into his eyes. He was not looking any answers to his question but rather looking for why is he asking it.

“She looks like she was under a lot of pressure.”, Geonhak slowly said and the man nods, understood.

“Do you still remember how she look before she left you?”, the man ask again and Geonhak nods.

“She’s still beautiful in my eyes.”, he was quiet. “…or am I too ignorant to understand what she was trying to say?”, he question himself. However, the man in-front of him did not say anything more. He brought his palm to rest on Geonhak’s shoulder.

“Remember, she will not the same person you see months ago.”, he reminds Geonhak and he nods.

“I understand that.”

With that, the man walk away and left Geonhak stood in front of the door. After seems like he finally calm down, he embrace himself to open the door slowly. The door creaks a little bit and soon as he step inside of the room, he immediately felt coldness. It was not a weird thing for him anymore.

His eyes wonders through the cold room. Sure sunlight did go through this room but he cannot feel the warmth and heat that he used to. This is probably how she felt before she met me, he thought. Geonhak saw a queen size bed at another section in the room. He would say, your room is as big as his shabby rental house.

Then, he spot you on the bed. You are not sleeping but you are not awake either. Slowly, he walks towards your bed and drop on his knees when he sees you in this kind of state. He crawled closer to you and took your hand into his.

It was cold, very, very cold.

If the man before did not tell him about your condition, he may think you are already dead. Geonhak was not use of this state of yours. Your body used to be really healthy but now all he could see are skin and bones. It seems like you have been starve yourself for years. Your bright eyes were now dull. Your skin may be pale but it was never blue, like right now. Sure you always feel cold but now you’re freezing.

“Hey, I’m here now.”, he whispers on your ear. “Everything will be fine now. Everything will be fine.”

Geonhak sighs as soon as he step out from the night club. It was almost four in the morning and he was glad that he finished his shift early. He could go home, refreshing himself a little bit or taking a nap before going to class. However he was interrupted by a girl who was walking in a fast pace and was actually bumped onto him.

“Watch out!”, he warned the girl but she did not say anything. Instead of apologising or walk away, the girl grabbed his hand and interlocking her fingers with his. Geonhak was startled by her action and tried to pull it away but he could not.

“Wow.”, was the only thing she said. Her eyes sparkles in excitement.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”, he asks as he trying to pull away again and this time he managed. He began to eye her from head to toe. Thanks to the club signs, he could see her. Well, not clearly but he definitely see her face and she somehow looks familiar.

Red stripes t-shirt, black leather jacket, padded coat jacket, black leather pants and black boots.

It’s summer! He thought.

“Who are you?”, she asks, smiling. Her smiles was not a fake or an awkward one. Geonhak scoffs, feeling ridiculous. Before he could answer her, she cut him off.

“Is this your bike?”, she asked again and without any notice, she climbed on his bike. He gasped at her weirdness.

I’m tired and I really can’t stand her weirdness right now, he thought.

Slowly he made his way to the bike and rest his arm on the handle, again eyeing her from head to toe. “Get off.”, he said but she did not even budge from the back seat of the bike.

“Can you give me a ride, it’s kinda late.”.

Whoever the girl is, she is driving him crazy.

Apparently, the girl is attending the same university as he is and to make worst, she is in the same department. It’s been a week since the incident and she keep on following him him. She will follow him everywhere even the toilet. She did not went inside but she wait for him outside and sometimes it made other men uncomfortable with it.

“Why is that chick keep following you?”, one of his friend asks and Geonhak shrugs. Honestly, he does not know why too. That was until he decided to have a talk with her.

It was one evening when they are finally done with all the lectures. He grabs her hand and dragged her to the back of their department. “Okay. Now spill what do you want with me?”, he asked. The girl was confuse but finally catch on.

“I need you to be with me.”, she said. Geonhak had to admit, she knew this girl is weird and all but he never knew how bold she was.

There she is, finally out of her mind. He thought.

“What kind of b—“, again he was cut by her.

“This is not some bullshits. I know it sounds weird, but it is not is sounds like.”, she tried to reason with him. He sighed before pinching the bridge of his nose and then let out a groaned.

“Okay…”, paused. “Then what does this sounds like?”, he looked up, avoiding her gaze. He would look everywhere but not her eyes.

“I need you to be by my side 24/7.”, she said. Geonhak groaned again.

“That is what exactly what it sounds like!”, he snaps which made her laugh a bit.

“It may sound a little bit ridiculous but—“, she paused, thinking either to say it or not but she actually does not know how to explain these things to him. “Nevermind, it did sounds what it's like.”, she added.

“I have a deal to make with you. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t push this one away.”, she said confidently after seeing that Geonhak may not talking in any second.

“And what is that?”, he asked.

“I knew you have been struggling with financial. Youer school fees these days, allowance, rental—“

“Hold on a second.”, he stops her as he raised his palm up to her face. His eyes were now went wide and actually shock that she knew about his financial problem when he never told anyone, including his friends.

“I have my ways.”. she answers him.

“Are you blackmailing me?!”, he was ready to fight. “What, are you going to tell everyone that I was working at the club?!”,

“I—“, she sighed. “Can you please, let me talk?”, she desperately asks.

Geonhak says nothing after that. “First of all, no I’m not blackmailing you. I want to help you and I want you to help me too. Second of all, I don’t even know you were working at the club until now.”, she paused, taking a breath. “I thought you like went to club because apparently, I saw you went there everyday.”

Geonhak tried to process whatever she was saying and finally understood.

“What kind of help?”, he asks but he does not know why he feel something is wrong.

“I said it before. I need you to be with me.”, she said. “What the hell do you mean by that?”, Geonhak seems lost. If it is not what he think it is, then what does she mean? The girl could sense that Geonhak was feeling uncomfortable about her proposal but she does not how to explain it to him.

“You can quit all your part time jobs, I’ll help you financially without no condition at all.”, she said. Honestly, Geonhak was tempted because he was indeed in need of money and those part time jobs that he had actually are not enough.

“Yeah right as if I would believe you.”

“Oh you would.”, she smiles.

“Uh, come in? I guess.”, Geonhak found himself bringing the girl home with him though he has a lot of doubts in her proposal. He wanted to reject the idea of being by her side, it is what she called it but she proved him wrong and she is not playing at all.

She dragged him to the finance office and settled all of his debts just like that, right in front of him. “Now would you believe me?”, she asked. Geonhak was speechless but nods his head, he believed her. “Can we go to your house?”

And they are here, in his shabby house. Geonhak was worried about her impression of his house. It was not messy but it was not that clean either. By the look on how she spent all her money on him just like that, he knew she was out of his league.

“You don’t have time cleaning your house?”, she asks as soon as she stepped inside and sat on the floor like she own the house.

“I had three part time jobs. When do I have the time to clean the house?”, he asked and went straight to his bed. She nods, he got a point. After that, she walked to his small balcony where he do his laundry, she went to his small kitchen and the toilet.

“Do you really have to check around the house?”, Geonhak asks, feeling a little bit annoyed and uncomfortable. She gave an awkward smile before making her way to him. “Geonhak, do you have extra blankets or mattress?”, she asks.

“I do have extra blanket but mattress— I don’t think so.”, he paused. “Wait, why—“

“Blanket will do then.”, she said. Before went back to the small living room where she sat just now and took out her phone.

“What do you mean?”, he asks.

“I’m moving in.”, she smiles.

Geonhak was confuse and speechless. Does her proposal includes living with me? But the house is—, he thoughts. Before he could protest, she already ended his call with someone.

“Hey, does your proposal meant you need to live with me too?”

She nods.

However, his face was unreadable. She does not know if he was happy, sad, mad or confuse. Geonhak says nothing afterwards but she knew he has a lot in his mind right now. She slowly made her way back to him and sat beside him on his mattress.

“This house may be a bit uncomfortable than yours. I think—“, he was cut again. “I’ve been in worst place than this. Your house is actually better than I expected, just need a little bit cleaning and I’ll gladly help you with it.”, she add.

“Your house is warm.”, she smiles. Geonhak does not know what does she meant by warm but yeah it is kinda hot these days because it is summer. Now, speaking of summer— why does she wear a lot of layer of clothes when it is summer.

“Yeah because you wear a lot of layers. Don’t you get heat stroke in that?”, he asks. She laughs at his remarks. She get this a lot, people worrying about her wearing quite layers of clothes when it is summer time but she is actually freezing.

“I’ll explain to you now but please, please believe in me.”

Geonhak is still beside your bed, holding your skinny and cold hand. Usually, it would get warm quickly but this time it seems like you would never get warm. Your skins are still blue and does not show any sign of changing color in any time soon.

Her door creaks open again and saw the man who brought him to her earlier. He came inside with a tray full of foods, enough for two people. “You need to eat something for your energy too.”, the man said. He then turn around and open the cabinet next to her bed. Geonhak says nothing as he watched the man do his job.

“This is how we keep her alive this pass few months. She’s alive but she looks like the dead.”, the man starts. Smiling though he could see the pain in his eyes. Geonhak was pretty sure everyone is sad with your condition right now, especially him.

“When she told me she had sacrificed herself for you, I was mad.”, he laugh. “But again, it was the right thing to do.”, he added. Geonhak watched him brought the tube to your nose and it slowly went into the organ.

“We have doctor who experts in these kind of things. Normal doctor would not believe in supernatural. If we send her to the hospital, they’d probably declare her dead.”

“Mr. Kang—“

“Just call me Hyungu.”, he smiles.

“About the other way, you told me before. What was it?”

“Yeah, like I am going to believe that.”, he laughed when she told him that she can see the dead. She can see the unrested spirit around her and sometimes, they would come after her because those spirits know the power that she hold.

More like, she brought the lights into their dark world and they need her lights to move on to the after life, but the dead are a little extreme than the living.

For her entire life, she never know what is warmth. She does not even know how it feel like. When she accidentally bumped with Geonhak in front of the club, she knew that she finally found her keeper but he does not believe her and she had no idea how to prove it to him. The only way she could prove it by bring him to the underworld but it is not going to happen.

It is very dangerous.

“How about this.”, she pause as she hugged herself. “Gave me three months to prove it to you. If I can’t, I’ll go. I’ll leave you alone. I promise.”, she add. Of course, Geonhak is skeptical because he think she was just making things up just to stay with him longer.

“Just say that you want to stay here more longer.”, he scoffs. He stood up from his bed and began to take off his shirts and pants, before grabbing his towel. “Well yeah…you may think that way if you want.”, her sudden voice creeps behind him did surprise him a little and quickly put his towel around his waist.

“Hey, don’t tell me you’re coming into the bathroom too?”, Geonhak eyed her up and down while she gave him an innocent look.

“I can’t…?”

“Hell no! Get out!’, he shouted and slammed the door in front of her face.

After a good ten minutes of shower, Geonhak came out from his bathroom and again he was surprise by the girl who was in the house with him. She sat beside of the doorway as she hugs her legs. “Can you—“, he sighs.

“...stop made me scared for no reasons?”, he said and made his way to his small dresser, pulling out his shorts and a wife beater— his pyjama.

“I felt save, so I sat there.”, she answers him. Even when Geonhak is trying to dress himself, she would still followed him around.

“Why are you keep following me?”, he was annoyed but in the same time, he was curious.

“I told you I need to by your side.”, she said.

Geonhak sighed. “We can’t.”, he paused. “Look at my bed. It’s too small and I don’t even have a condom with me.”

She was lost at first when Geonhak told her the bed was too small. Her gaze followed his, as he look over his bed but when Geonhak brought up condom, she lost it. She could not help but laugh at the fact that for the whole day Geonhak thought she was trying to have sex with him.

Geonhak gave her a look as soon as she laugh. What’s so funny? He thought.

“Dumbass, I wasn’t thinking about it at all.”, she told him. “Let me re-explain this deal again to you. I need you to be by my side 24/7 without sexual activities.”, she emphasised the word without so that there will no longer any misunderstanding in the future.

“Mr. Kim, are you sure you want to do this? It can be really dangerous.”, Hyungu asks Geonhak again as he tied the rope around his waist. Honestly, he does not know how dangerous the underworld could be. Before, he did not believe you when you told him about it but now he believed you.

“I know and I don’t care, Hyungu.”, Geonhak says. “I need to find her in the underworld and bring her back to us. This rope will help us to get back from down there right?”, he asks again and Hyungu nods his head.

Geonhak took off his shoes and socks before laying beside you. The bed was cold but he had no choice and slowly taking your available hand into his and hold it tight. “Hyungu, I’m ready.”, Geonhak told him.

Hyungu nods his head. He hold the rope tight as he chant a whisper and Geonhak began to shut his eyes slowly and drift off to sleep.

Geonhak realised that she would always hold him when they were sleeping. Like she said before, no sexual activities and for some reason he felt bad. Her tiny fingers would wrapped around his, which is two or three times size of her fingers.

He had no idea when she asks him for mattress or blanket at first. When he gave her the blanket, he expect her to sleep on the bed though the bed was a little cramped with two people on it.

His bed was not an actual bed. Just a mattress layered by some wood pallets. When she spread out the blanket he gave to her on the cold floor, he freak out.

“Are you going to sleep on the floor?”, he asks.

She nods. “Yeah.”, and she paused. “You don’t expect me to sleep on the bed with you, right?”, she asks.

Geonhak cleared his throat and look away, a little awkward with her gaze. He look back at her and pat the bed, asking her to sleep on the bed. There is no way he would let her sleep on the cold floor.

“The bed is not that small. You can fit in.”, he says.

He did not ask but he knew why she wrapped her fingers around his. There is one time she interlocking her fingers with his in the campus and he quickly pulled it away. It was not because he was uncomfortable or scared of people might see it but he was rather shock to have someone interlocking their hand with his.

While she thought he was uncomfortable with it and probably does not want anyone in the campus see it. So she would just wrapped around his finger, most of the time his thumb. Even in her sleep, she would just hold any of his thumb. Like a child, holding their father’s.

It has been more than a month she live with Geonhak and sometimes, something creepy happens in his house too but most of the time, Geonhak was never home. She would always handled it alone and she never told Geonhak about it.

Things would be normal after that. Until one day, Geonhak snaps at her when she went back from her old family mansion. As soon as she step inside of the house, she was greeted by a stack of paper onto her face.

Startled, she step back and eyes the papers that was scattered on the floor. She looked up and saw furious Geonhak. Honestly, she never saw him this mad before. Sure she had seen him upset a few times but not this.

“What happen?”, she asks. She knew something bad happened but she did not know what.

“What happen?!”, Geonhak laughed, clearly felt ridiculous by her question. “I knew you were trying to screw me over ever since you approached me, buy me with your money and even move in with me in this crappy, shabby house of mine!”, he starts.

“But I never knew you would go this low by actually steal my work! My hard work that I have been working on.”, he says and he sound sad. Now she knew what happen. Before she could reply him, she saw a creepy black figure behind him and he eyes went wide.

She was about to open her mouth to explain to him and warn him but the figure has already made sure she would not say anything. Geonhak did not know what was happening around him and he have no idea at all.

The figure pulled out a few of his kitchen knives and aimed it behind Geonhak’s back. It threaten her to kill him if she starts to open her mouth.

“Yes. It’s me.”, she said out of sudden. She actually did not hear anything what he was accusing her off because her eyes were focus on the knives behind his back. She shuts her eyes in defeat and look down, not daring to look Geonhak in his eyes.

“Yes, I approached you so that I could have a good use on you. I stole your works and turn it into mine. I buy you with my money so you could trust me. Is there anything else that you want to add?”, she try to say those things without getting her emotion affected.

She cannot believe that she was actually being threaten by unrested spirit.

“You’re such a bitch.”, he grabs you and dragged you bag to the front door and shoved you out. “Get the hell out! I don’t want to see your face again.”

As said, that is how Geonhak met you and that was the last day he ever saw you.

Everything is black and Geonhak could not see a thing but he keeps walking. He knew he is in the other world but he had no idea how the underworld looks like. He was expecting like a dark forest like the one they showed in films.

“How do I get to her?”, he whispered. Hyungu had remind him before to not speak out loud or calling out her name. It could draw the spirit to him and most of them were dangerous. Then he heard Hyungu’s voice.

“Just walk until you see a light ahead.”, he says.

“Hyungu, is it okay for you to speak out loud?”, Geonhak whispers and lowkey scared to be attack by any spirit at the moment. Then he heard Hyungu chuckles.

“They can’t hear me. Only you can.”, he added. Geonhak nods his head, understood before proceed to walk until he saw a light.

“I saw the light now. Do I just get into the light?”, Geonhak asks and Hyungu responds with a yes. With that, Geonhak slowly get into the light. His eyes need some adjustment because the sudden lights were a little bit shock for his eyes.

Slowly, he opened his eyes and saw a green field. It was not a plain green field, it has some flowers around it. It is sunny but a little bit chilly in the same time. Geonhak walk around to see if you were here. As he walk, he saw a figure in a white dress sitting on a bench, near to a deep cliff.

He walks to the figure and lightly tap on her shoulder. Slowly, the figure turn around and Geonhak was beyond happy to see you right in front of his eyes, well and healthy.

“Hyungu, I found her.”

After the heated argument he had with you, he never saw you ever again. For some reason, he thought you would at least come back to take some of your stuffs that you left in his house. He asked around the department if they know you but none of them really has the slightest idea about who you were.

“That weirdo? I’d rather stay away.”

“Why would you looking for that weirdo?”

“Man, I don’t know anything about her.”

Geonhak had no idea that you never had any friends other than him. Honestly, he does not know how to feel. Was he supposed to feel bad for you or was he suppose to feel glad after what you did to him?

With that, Geonhak stops looking for you. He stops looking around and asking around. He wished to move on from whatever had happen but he seems cannot to let go anything that had happen between you and him.

He also went back to work three part time jobs to support his living. The house, the school fees and everything else. That day, he was suppose to pay his fee at the finance office but to his surprise, the administrator told him it was paid.

It can’t be… He thought. He made his way to his back, getting ready for his night shift at the club when someone called out his name. It was a man. A fine, handsome man. Geonhak gave the man a questioning look.

“Can I help you?”, Geonhak eyed him from head to toe. He has a dark silvered hair, white shirt with a black coat, black pants and black boots. This man remind him of you. He kinda resembles you a lot.

“I’m Kang Hyungu. I heard you’re looking for my sister.”, his soft voice breaks the silence. No doubt that he is your brother, because you both sounds almost the same when you talk.

“Where’s she?”, Geonhak asks, first thing when he learn that Hyungu is your brother.

“Somewhere that you can’t reach her.”, he told him. “I’m here to fulfil the promises that my sister had made with you.”, he pause. “I know about the deal.”, he added.

��What promise?”, Geonhak asks, confuse.

“Let’s go somewhere else, so we can talk.”

Currently, both of them were sitting in a cafe.

“My sister told me to wire some amount of money to your account every month. Paid your bills, your house and your school fees.”, Hyungu told him as he sip on his coffee. “Her money, not mine of course.”

“Why?”, was the only thing that Geonhak could came out with.

“Honestly, I don’t know.”, he puts down his cup on the table before looking Geonhak in the eyes. “You’re my sister’s keeper but it’s a shame that you didn’t believe her or tried to understand her, at the very least.”

“I know you might not believe in soul, spirit or whatever they call it now but they are real. I can see the dead too, like my sister but we both had it differently.”, Hyungu explain.

“You may realised she never wear anything revealing but that’s because she is sensitive. She always feels cold and never felt the warmth until she met you. She said, being with you gave her the warmth that she needs and she felt save too.”

“Back then at your house, it wasn’t her. I mean, your paper works. Apparently, being with you for such quite time making some of the spirits lingers around you too, including the dangerous ones and it happen to cause a big misunderstanding between the two of you.”

“She actually came back to your house but not physically. Her soul went there and made a deal with those unrested spirit to leave you alone and apparently had to sacrifice herself for you.”

“Where is she?”, Geonhak asks again, hoping that he would tell her where she is but he refuse.

“I can’t tell you now. We have to make sure everyone around you are safe, especially your friends. I’ll brought you to her myself when the time is right.”, he added before standing up and leaving Geonhak in the cafe wondering to himself if he should believe in what he heard but some things seems to make sense but it the same time, it does not.

“Geonhak, what are you doing here?”, you freak out when you saw him. Sad is understatement, you were devastated to see him in the underworld. “No! No, no, no! You shouldn’t be here.”, you cried, trying to reach him.

You are expecting to him to feel cold, like the dead but to your surprise he does not. He felt warm as usual. You stops crying and looked up to see his face, smiling. “You’re alive!”, you says, a bit relief.

“You can’t be here. What are you doing here? How can you be here?”, your questions were like some bullets and dragged him away from the cliff, where you were hanging out just now.

He let a chuckles before answering you. “I’m here to bring you back of course and Hyungu made me do it.”, he whispered. He never forget to not be loud in the underworld, good thing that he managed to pull himself together when he saw you.

Hyungu on the other side were face-palming himself at Geonhak’s remarks. He fucking sell me out. He thought.

“That boy.”, you groaned.

“Don’t be mad. It was my choice.”, he paused. “I came to take you back, you don’t belong here.”, he told you as he pulled you to where he came in before but you stops him and pulled away your hand.

"And so do you.", your eyes drift away, avoiding his gaze.

“I can’t leave, Geonhak. I made a deal with it.”, you look down. You do want to go back so bad but you can’t and it seems like you would be part of them in no matter of time.

You can feel that your body is getting cold and the space that you created getting dark, like no sunlight could ever go through, ever again.

“You can!”, he said.

“How? I can’t just break the deal with the dead or they will come after you and I don’t want that. It was my fault you got involved with it but I’m not going to get you involve again. Not after they tried to kill you.”, you accidentally spill it.

“Kill me? What do you mean? Who tried to kill me?”, he was surprise to know about this after a few months. You tried to look away and avoid answering his question. Then he called your name, “Please, I deserve to know since you already had me involved.”

You sighs in defeat. “The day we had argument. It’s about your paper works, the one you work hard on.”, you says.

Yes, Geonhak would never forgot that day where he last see you. “What about it?”

“Something in your paper, it’s about the research you did. It happen to be connected to one of the dead. You're not suppose to dig on them but I know that you didn't know about it. They tried to destroy it a few time but I managed to stops them.”, you pause.

“They followed me back to your house. They knew I can see them. I tried to handle by my own and then things get out of hand. T—“, Geonhak cut you off.

“Then the argument happens.”, he continued. You nods, eyes still looking away.

“That night, a few knifes were right behind you. I’m afraid that he would upset him more if I told you anything. So I had to…”, you added and both of you went silent.

Suddenly, Geonhak break the silence between you and him. He asks you to do something that you would never want to. Not because of you but because of him. “Call them. I’ll make a deal with them.”

“Geonhak, you can’t just make a deal with them. They are dangerous.”, you remind him. He gave you a look before make sigh. “I know what am I doing. Hyungu taught me before I came to you.”, he added.

“No offence, Mr. Kim but can you please stop selling me out?”, Hyungu’s voice was heard but it was only for him to hear. He kind of forgot that Hyungu could actually hear whatever he was saying. He is still conscious.

“Geonhak…”, she almost begged.

“Please, I need you to trust me on this. I finally trust you and you have to trust me on this.”, he tried to reason her and after a while she agreed.

With the energy she had left to live up the space of her own in the underworld, she used it to call on the unrested spirit that had her locked up in her own space.

A black smoke flies across the space and land in front of the both of them. Geonhak could not see it’s face, but you can. All he could see a dark smokes in a human figure, walking towards them.

“What does a human like you doing in this kind of place?”

“I came to make a deal.”, Geonhak says. It would be a lie if he say he is not scared, he is actually feel scared but at this moment, he needs to get you out from this hell.

“I should have kill you when I could if this bitch didn’t interrupt me.”, it growled. “To deal with me, you have a price to pay. Can you?”, it asks. That question however made you shivered and gave you goosebumps. It has something under its sleeve.

“I want to break her deal with you. In exchange, I'd stay in her place only after the thirty third day of the month. You can't come for me until the thirty third day of the month come.", you gasped, not even paid attention on whatever he said and the spirit accepted the deal right away.

“Deal. I’ll see you on the thirty third.”, it says before flies away.

“Geonhak! What the hell are you doing?!”, you freaked out. You tried to pull yourself from his grip and he was a lot more stronger than you are.

“Trust me and let’s get the hell out from here quickly!”

You finally woke up from your deep and long sleep however your body is still weak because of the lack of nutritions. You sleep for months of course your body did not have that much flesh.

As soon as you woke up, your brother greets you with a smile and tears. A happy tears of course. Hyungu really want to run and hug you but Geonhak have not come back from his sleeps, yet. Now he starts to freak out.

“Mr. Kim, where are you?”, Hyungu asks, he still holding the rope. He cannot let it go or Geonhak would stuck in the underworld forever.

“I need a minute. The rope is quite long than I expect it to be. Has she went back?”, Geonhak asks.

“She did.”, Hyungu answers. After exactly a minute, Geonhak came back. Conscious and alive. Quickly, he turn around and saw you were looking at him, smiling. He held your hand, not wanting to let it go.

Your once blue skin finally starts to change its color to a warmer tone. Your body is getting warmer too.

“Welcome back.”, Geonhak welcomes you home. You nods as a slight tears roll down on your cheek. Hyungu quickly went to you and gave you a very long hug. He misses you, a lot.

After a while, you turn your head to him. “Why did you do that?”, you asks, almost sobbing.

“He said he would come back on thirty third of the month, why are you so freak out?”, Hyungu asks, a little bit confuse. "I mean, yeah thirty second existed back in ninety seventy eight."

“How can I not fre— Wait. Did you just say thirty third?”, you asks again and both of them nods their head. Your body are still weak but this is too funny to not laugh on.

“I freak out for no reason”, you finally calm down and took a deep breath.

“Welcome home, sister.”

#oneus imagines #oneus oneshot #oneus fanfic #leedo imagines #leedo oneshot #leedo fanfic #oneus scenarios #leedo scenarios

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mrcoltkaneko · 4 years ago

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daybreak (rod)

a/n: i am very... meh about this one, but when i heard that RODAW was happening, i had to throw something up for my favorite boy. it’s written in the second person because... i just vibed with it???? LMAO idk. as always, your comments / likes / reblogs are very much appreciated. i apologize for any typos in advance, i think i wrote this in like 4-5 hours so it is a very raw draft. i might go back and edit it at some point, but for now, please enjoy!

pairings: Colt x MC angst

summary: So much for wanting to die, for choking yourself with smoke and willpower and here he is, doing it all by himself, five-and-a-half feet away.

rating: PG-13

content warning: cancer, infidelity.

length: 2172 words

tags: i am constantly amazed at the amount of quality content that comes out related to ROD. i’ve fallen out of the choices fandom but ROD still holds a special place in my heart and i’m so excited that it’s the same for a lot of other people as well! @rodappreciationweek !

All great love stories begin with a once upon a time, but you think that yours must have begun with an and they lived happily ever after, because with him, you are always drowning in a sea of now, now, now that exists only in a dream.

You smoke cigarettes now. It’s something of a habit, picked up in college after drunken nights out in the dead of a winter, desperate for the quick pinch of sobriety and a flicker of warmth — even now, you remember how much the smoke and tar had made you cough. Now, the nicotine, it tastes sweet on your lips.

You wonder when you’d become so jaded.

Even jarring images of blackened lungs can’t scare you now, not when you'd seen with your soul the images of your own heart, bloodied and bruised to shit. Not when you've seen her father waste away in that bed, antiseptic stinging your nose, your eyes. A year after he’d retired. There’d been plans, big ones for him to buy a home up near Olympia, fix it up himself. He’d bought tickets to Italy. You’d always thought he’d go out in a bang, a furious firework in the sky commemorating his heroism. None of seeing him die in that damned hospital was heroic.

You bring the cigarette up to your lips and inhale, holding your breath. Her gaze focuses on the skyline ahead, gripping the rust-streaked railing in front, the Hudson reflecting ink black, save for the moon’s milky touch rippling ribbons of white on the water. Only when you feel your chest constrict and vision blur that you open your mouth and let the cancer flow out. Hunched over the barrier, you begins coughing and fuck, does it feel good. It’s like being eighteen again, taking that first puff of that cigarette, feeling the smoke’s heat sear your throat in a line of fire.

“You all right?”

You glance up. You already has a bitter retort locked and loaded, about how you’s fucking goddamn fine, that you doesn’t need his help, that there’s pepper spray in your purse that you wouldn’t hesitate using and —

( “Ellie?” )

And your breath stops.

So much for wanting to die, for choking yourself with smoke and willpower and here he is, doing it all by himself, five-and-a-half feet away. You drop the cigarette, three-quarters done, and it’s no wonder that you are breathless because you drowns in him once again, like something familiar creeping up your airways, a release .

“Colt.” You take a step forward, hesitant. You watch his face, in as much disbelief as yours. He’s wearing the same jacket from all those years ago, and you want to laugh, to straighten the lapels and plant a kiss on his cheek and then cry from the youer impossibility of seeing him again, but seven years is too much time. You scrape the toe of your boot against the cobblestone, never daring to look at his face. “How - how are you?”

“I’m good. Didn’t know you were in New York.”

“I am.” You pause, wondering if you should say any more. “I work - I work at a publishing company. I edit books.”

“That’s cool. Good for you, El.”

A pause enters the conversation. For a moment, all you can hear are the distant hum of cars, the white noise of city life. And all you want to do is cry, but not for the same reasons as before, but how stilted their conversations are, how much you do not say that you wanted to for the longest time. Like, I’m sorry, I wish I’d stayed, I wish I hadn’t thrown you out. Like, I’ve missed you, you complete me, I love you.

“Are you in New York too?”

“Nah. Just here to visit my girlfriend’s parents. They live up in Queens.”

Oh.

You want to ask. You want to know her name, her job, what she’s like. You want to know whether the girlfriend has met his mother, whether she knows about his father and Ximena and Toby and Logan, whether she knows about you. In bitterness, you’re reminded of your own boyfriend, the one you’d fought with earlier over a carton of milk — and then it dawns on you that there is a space of seven years that you have been gone, torn from Colt’s life that you don’t know about, and you swallow. The pause is no longer a pause, but a thick hesitation sitting in between you and him, and you struggle to breathe against his presence.

“Listen, Ellie —”

“No. It’s fine — it’s fine, I mean, it’s been seven years, right? You’re allowed to have a girlfriend and a life, and I have a life now, and we’re all fine, really —”

“Hey! Christ, slow down; I just wanted to ask if you wanted to go for a walk. My girlfriend, she’s out with some friends and I was just killing some time anyways.”

You know you shouldn’t. That the time away had been her time to heal, to process their goodbye from all those years ago, and yet — you’ve never been good at holding him at an arm’s distance, even when he’d been three thousand miles away.

So you say yes.

☆☆☆☆☆☆

You’re positive that this is all a fever dream, that there’s no way that Colt is beside you, that you’re laughing with him again, that it’s always when you least expect it that you’re thrown back into the waters again, unsure of where it’d started, and yet, not caring in the slightest.

The stars, you’ve never noticed them in the city. Not with all the light pollution circling high above the clouds, but with him, you’re positive that the stars shine for him, bouncing off the tips of his cheekbones, the tip of his nose. Two in the morning and you’ve never felt held more than this exact moment, not in so long. You don’t know if it’s the warmth of the alcohol or the orbit of his presence, but you're rosy-cheeked, desperate to find his physical touch next.

Leave it to him to jolt you out of your fantasy.

“How’s that boyfriend of yours, huh?”

You swallow. The 40s you’ve both bought in a dingy corner store like nineteen-year olds with fake IDs lie in the paper bags at their feet and the magnified haze of reality swings at your head. Drunk, and yet, too aware of your drunkenness, you squint at him, challenging him with a brashness only marked by the alcohol.

“What’s it to you, anyways?” Cross, you pick up the bottle, taking a swig of the drink.

Colt shrugs. “Curious. I’ve seen your pics with him.”

“You’ve been stalking me,” you reply, smirking.

Shaking his head, he chuckles. “And you can never answer the questions without being a smart-ass, can you?”

“It’s none of your business.” You pull your knees closer, hugging your legs to your chest. “Anyways, you haven’t said a word about your mystery girlfriend,” you challenge. It’s not like you want to hear about her, but the prospect of telling Colt all about your significant other brings a rock to your stomach.

You meet his eyes. Dark, stormy, you think you see a phantom of a frown, emotion betraying his usual aloof demeanor. But as soon as it crosses his face, it flies off into the distance, and he shrugs. “You always do this, Ellie — act like that I’m out to get you, comment on your life choices —”

“Oh, I’m sorry, am I the one that couldn’t handle my fucking anger whenever things didn’t go right, because if I remember correctly, that was you.” You bolt up, an accusatory finger thrown his way, and he matches your movement, drenched in passion.

“You’re going to bring that up? Because if we’re going to rehash our goddamn relationship right here, I’d be happy to list all of the things you did that were fucking frustrating to deal with.”

“Oh my gosh, yes. Please do that, I’m begging you,” she snaps back, sarcastic. Hesitating, you turn back to him, fire burning in your eyes. “Actually. Let’s do it. Say it. I dare you. Because if I remember correctly, it was me that left. Not you.”

Silence blankets the two of you, and his face hardens back up, body returning to the slack swagger he’d always carried so easily in his chest. Shoving his hands back into his pockets, he crouches back down, eyes aimed towards the water. “Whatever,” he snorts, shaking his head. “It doesn’t matter.”

He’d always been so nonchalant. Still is, and it’s what you’ve loved about him, the way he could tell you so much more with his eyes than his words. You’d loved Logan too, but he’d always been brash, the brushstrokes of his love painted in broad, simple marks. And yet Colt — the intricacies of his emotions have always been a puzzle that you’d been adamant to unscramble. How the flicker in the corners of his eyelids could mean that he’s upset, or the twitch in the corner of his mouth, deepening a shred of a dimple gave away his happiness. Even now, the ghosts of those imprints remain etched onto his face, and you can tell he longs for something more, a what if still lingering on their tongues.

And like always, you fall into his lips.

It’s a mistake.

And yet — a glorious, beautiful, irrevocable mistake, even more when you feel his lips press against yours. He’s missed me too, you think, and you wonder why he is the only person that has only made you feel like the world is yours. You are drunk, sitting on concrete by the muddy river and yet you want to savor the moment forever, inscribe it into your skin as a tattoo.

When you part, your teeth taste like sin and your hands are drenched in the blood of your guilt, but you’d risk it all to do it again.

☆☆☆☆☆☆

One more joy ride on his Cavalieri Novanta, you understand why you loved ( love ) him. Freedom has always come at a price for you, perpetually out of your reach but with him? He makes it easy to be in freefall, and as your hands wrap around his waist, you’re not afraid to hit the ground.

Coney Island is a hellmouth, but at 4AM, the silence is cathartic. You’ve never been to the beach without the buzz of crowds closing in on you, and yet, there is something distinctly wistful about the abandoned park. Still, quiet, with only the creak of the boards underneath your feet, the ocean is there, and yet — you only see Colt. If the Pacific had been an expanse of hope and new horizons, you think that the Atlantic is a deluge of melancholy. There is no room for your sorrows when you’ve finally been let out of your self-inflicted cage. He finds a place in the sand, and you follow along, head on his shoulder.

“You shouldn’t have kissed me.” And yet, his lips are in your hair, whispering. You think you feel him trace an I still love you with his lips, but you can’t be sure.

“I was drunk.” You still are. You can’t think straight. When you’re with him, all you see is him.

“Doesn’t make it right.”

“Since when have you cared about whether something’s right or not?” It shocks you to the core, more than you expect. It’s not him. This is not the Colt you know.

“You don’t want this. You don’t want me.”

“What - no. Of course I want you. I want you, Colt Kaneko.” You know you do. You’d leave everything behind, run far away with him until your feet bled. Frantic, you find his face, search for that shred of longing you’d become so familiarized with. You don’t find it. “Run away with me. You don’t - we can go back. We can go back.” Desperately, you think that if you say it enough, you could make it a truth.

“You know, Ellie.” Colt swallows, Adam’s apple bobbing in his neck. For once, you cannot read the emotion in his face, and it terrifies you. Seven years is too much time lost, and you think about all of the things you’ve missed.

You do know. Leaving him once, you know. That your longing and love for him has always relied on being apart, that two burning hot fires only created a larger fire that threatened to ruin everything else in its path.

“We would’ve burned each other up, El.” He’s closer now, only a breath away. A finger on your cheek, your hand snakes up and holds his hand, memorizing his touch. His thumb swipes away a tear that you didn’t even know had fallen.

He leans in this time.

A first kiss against the Californian sunset, the last rolled into a New York sunrise, you wonder if you’ll ever look at daybreak the same way again.

#playchoices #rodaw #playchoices fanfic #ride or die

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marcusssanderson · 7 years ago

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50 Birthday Quotes To Celebrate Life, Age and Friendships

Looking for inspirational birthday quotes?

It is always fun to celebrate birthdays, as well as to think about the many things that have been said about or that relate to them. Aside from getting wiser, one can delight in good food and good company.

Here are some awesome birthday quotes to liven up your big day, and perhaps even share with family and friends.

Famous Birthday Quotes Celebrating Life

Since first reading Dr. Seuss, my favorite birthday quote has been:

1.) “Today you are You; that is truer than true.

There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” – Dr. Seuss

Getting older (and hopefully wiser), we face old age, our senior years. Perhaps Emily Dickinson has the right idea:

2.) “We turn not older with years, but newer every day” – Emily Dickinson

Sam Hagar reinforced this idea saying:

3.) “Every year on your birthday, you get a chance to start new.” – Sam Hagar

Can we live with that idea? Here’s what I always say:

4.) “Wow, thank you Lord for another great chance to make a difference.”

Yes, I am grateful that I’m still alive. But life isn’t forever, so remember:

5.) “Live as if you were to die tomorrow.

Learn as if you were to live forever.” – Mahatma Gandhi

Henry Ford agreed:

6.) “Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at 20 or 80.

Anyone who keeps learning stays young.

The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young”. – Henry Ford

Band leader, Les Brown emphasized:

7.) “You’re never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream” – Les Brown

George Eliot said:

8.) “It is never too late to be what you might have been.” – George Eliot

Inspirational Birthday Quotes and Sayings

While I was still in school, I had to read writings by ancient philosophers. I never thought they were relevant to me. As another birthday approaches, I’ve looked at some of those words of wisdom, re-evaluating their relevance.

Perhaps they are things that I’ve learned to live by, to accept – and yes – use as birthday quotes:

9.) “God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to

give ourselves the gift of living well,” – Voltaire

A great birthday quote by William Shakespeare’s is:

10.) “With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come.” – William Shakespeare

Mark Twain agreed,

11.) “Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.” – Mark Twain

Certainly some good things to remember as we celebrate birthdays! Samuel Ullman said:

12.) “Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.” – Samuel Ullman

At birthday gatherings you also might also want to quote:

13.) “Let us celebrate the occasion with wine and sweet words,” – Plautus

14.) “Man’s main task in life is to give birth to himself,

to become what he potentially is,” – E. Fromm

15.) “Age is opportunity no less than youth itself,” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

16.) “Happiness is when what you think, what you say,

and what you do are in harmony,” – Mahatma Gandhi

Or you might hear:

17.) “I’m like a fine wine. They don’t bring me out very much

But, I am well preserved,” – Rose Kennedy

18.) “Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,

But beautiful old people are works of art,” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Of course in discussing getting older, other pearls of wisdom are shared:

19.) “The older the fiddler, the sweeter the tune,” – English Proverb

20.) “None are as old as those who have outlived enthusiasm,” – Henry David Thoreau

21.) “It’s not true that people stop pursuing dreams because they grow old,

They grow old because they stop pursuing dreams,” – Gabriel G. Marquez

Another great birthday quote, this one by a comedian is:

22.) “Age is strictly a case of mind over matter.

If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter,” – Jack Benny

Another by George Burns is,

23.) “You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.” – George Burns

With laughter, Bob Hope said,

24.) “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” – Bob Hope

Who would want to fix things?

25.) “If we could be twice young and twice old,

we could correct all our mistakes,” – Euripides

For those with a strong belief in God:

26.) “Our life is a gift from the Creator.

Your gift back to the Creator is what you do with your life,” – Billy Mills

More Happy Birthday Quotes and Wishes

Hearts are always mentioned with birthdays:

27.) “Some people, no matter how old they get, never lose their beauty –

They merely move it from their faces into their hearts,” – Martin Buxbaum

28.) “The heart of the giver makes the gift dear and precious,” – Martin Luther Some U.S. Presidents have made some birthday quotes:

29.) “Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm,” – Lincoln

30.) “Whatever you are, be a good one.” – Lincoln

31.) “Let us seek the right answer. Let us not seek to fix the blame for the past.

Let us accept our own responsibility for the future,” – Kennedy

Words of wisdom for aging from Confucius:

32.) “Study the past if you would define the future!”

33.) “It doesn’t matter how slowly you go, so long as you don’t stop.”

34.) “Choose a job you love.You will never have to work a day in your life.”

35.) “The superior man is modest in his speech, but exceeds in his actions.”

As we grow older, may we remember these wise quotes:

35.) “It is not the strongest of the species that survive But the one most responsive to change,” – Darwin

36.) “It’s the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it,” – Aristotle

37.) “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving,” – Einstein

38.) “Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal,” – Henry Ford

39.) “Don’t celebrate how old you are, celebrate the years you survived.” – Touaxia Vang

40.) “Don’t anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen,” – Ben Franklin

41.) “Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.” – C.S. Lewis

42.) “Count your age by friends, not years, your life by smiles, not tears.” – John Lennon

43.) “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” – Tolkien

So, as we all age – day by day, and as I pray I get to reach 70 in a couple of years, I often repeat this quote:

44.) “I don’t mind getting older; it’s a privilege denied to so many!” ― Chris Geiger, ‘The Cancer Survivors Club’

Did you find your favorite birthday quotes here?

Birthdays are special days – not only to celebrate among people we love, but also to remind us of how far we’ve come in life. During this occasion, keep these beautiful quotes handy as a gift to yourself.

The post 50 Birthday Quotes To Celebrate Life, Age and Friendships appeared first on Everyday Power Blog.

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c0deine17 · 7 years ago

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1.10.17 - to be continued..

1.10.2017

Nothing. I have nothing.

And youd think after all these years id have something. But I have nothing. Im speechless I have nothing to fucking say except, holy fucking shit you did it. You got the fuck up packed your shit and moved to another fucking state. And tbh I dudnt think you would but look were we are now, you didn’t come home last night and when I saw your best friend today she did not say a fucking thing about it. Im not stupid but fuck am I surprised, not surprised umm I don’t even know the fucking word for it umm after you leaving in may and then coming back in September, now it’s the 1st of October and you tell me yoube been thinking about going for 6 months? This is huge, and I cant get my fucking head around it and its scaring me because I don’t know how im going to be, well wow you leave in the morning I mean your still in the state now as im typing this but you haven’t even left yet and im fried as fuck and juicey on a Sunday night while im at home and while the kids are here,. Something I swore id never do is get juicey around the kids and wow well would you look at this, and your going for fucking 18 months, the 3 months were hard enough this year as it is and I did everything and everyone I could to forget about you and do you think anything worked? Nope.

Im scared to think what will become of me, will I be okay? Will I end up worse than I was in 2015 nwhen I found out about you and tayla and ended up in fucking 2 west at frankston hospital? Will I keep the kids in my care? Will I lose them because of the drugs and the drug screens that dhs want me to do? Do I still go to headspace? Will I get kicked out and lose the house? Will I even be strong enough to go on or willi end everything and slit my wrists in the shower? Because ghonestly that’s all I have been thinking about allday, I don’t want to be alive. Do you think everyone in the world goes through these times in their life? What about wifes and husbands who have been together 20 years and the wife finds out the husband is cheating and they have children together?? Me and you have 2 kids and you leaving me pregnant with your daughter was not as bad as leaving me as a single mum of a newborn and a 2 year old. But honeslty I don’t know how I did it cos these days I think back and I really don’t know how the fuck I did it. I had a newborn and just got eliott home from dhs and every Thursday to Sunday I was smoking with james and mali and still managed to feed the kids and give them everything they needed,. How? I really don’t fucking know, I really don’t. but I did it.

From may to September, when you left that Sunday afternoon in Somerville, you went to get a 10er, and you never came back and I didn’t hear a fucking word from you until the police knopcked on my door and handed me paperwork for a fucking intervention order and a fucking statement from you. After that, it was a Friday arvo I was sitting in daniels garage fucking smoking pipes with zoe as we did every big week, well zo didn’t but I did cos I just wantedyou out of my fucking head and then it happened you fucking walked back into my life and the kids as nothing ever fucking happened at all, and honestly you were good you seemed like you had grown up and then all of sudden after a week, I saw the real you and the shit started all over again, the morning you took my phone and read my msgs I knew you hadn’t changed or grown up you were still you, and since then, when you went through my phone, nothings been okay and I think this is a big part of why he is leaving, why you are leaving and why you think moving states is the fucking answer.

All I said to you was: “Adelaide isn’t the answer, moving state is not the fucking answer boo.”

But as much as he sat here that night and told me that my opinion is important to him and that he cant make this choice on his own he didn’t come home last night, and I haven’t heard from him.

Another thing Friday night when I fucking did all I could to get your best friend ty to hang out with me just so I could get to seaford to see you, well didn’t that take a fucking turn and a half. Its been a year since ive had juice, I stopped taking it cos I didn’t think I could look after the kids on it I fucking had a charge at tys and I was fucked up. And all I wanted ty to do was fucking go next door and get you and let you know that I was there. Well by the end of it at about 3am ty finally gave the fuck up and went and got you and what the fuck happens? As im blabbering onto nicci because im a juicey cunt and not knowing what im saying ty walks back in and you walk in with the most dirtiest look on your face and I actually cant remember who told me or how I found out? I really cant lol, but anyway CHARITY is in your room and you were ticking shit off ty, LOL. But yet you grabbed my phone and continued to flip about MITCHELL HUNTER.

I still have the BIGGGGGEST crush on him for all those reading and still going to continue to read along, (its good I promise)

But yeah I was fucked and I just found out that you had a little crackwhore in your room, wow and you were flipping aboutmitch? Please bitch, please.

(im actually fucked, I don’t know where im going with this I cant remember, shit son)

Fuck where was i.

Okay give me a minute because im juicy and fried im confident so im going to message charity on facebook, haha, I will copy and paste for youse. Okay so ive got the convo open and I don’t know what to say?

If your reading this you can tell that my head is all over the place and that nothing is making sense. The sad thing is I have been writing about Bailey since 2013 and if I gave everyone accsess to my online blog then wow, youd know everything about him, but honestly I have written in so long I tried to write tonight but I just got fucked up and started writing this shit instead, if youer still reading thank you. In reality no matter what it is I always seem to get through shit, even thon when things happen I feel like it’s the end of the world and that im gonna die I always get through it and I amaze myself.

From my experience, the first month is always the hardest and trust me still to this day I look at my phone every morning hoping there is a missed call or message from this loser and every morning as much as I hope there is, there never is.

I miss my nan a lot. And theres not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her.

Im not coping at all, and I haven’t even heard from you its now11.24pm, and I am fucked up but that’s okay because wherever you are your sweet and im here not wanting to live anymore but really I don’t even know why im feeling this way, what happens when wifes find out there husband of however many years was cheating the whole time and they have to pack up their kids and their lives and basically everything they know and just walk away? Ive always wondered how people walk away and never look back if I knew how to I promise you I would have not looked back when I fell pregnant to jye in 2015, but yet its now almost the end of 2017 and im still wrapped up about you and hurt and I cant seem to do anything else but wonder what your doing but really you don’t even deserve to be on my mind at all but yet somehow your still there and I feel bad for the kids and fuck I cant do this anymore.

But the worst thing is that after all these years I wasn’t even worth a goodbye I wasn’t worth coming home too. Too many times I have kissed him and then said see you soon babe and he doesn’t come home, I don’t get a phone call, a message nothing, Im just left here not knowing anything and fuck I wish I didn’t feel as deeply as I do for him but after 7 years and all this bullshit I aint worth a goodbye,and that’s what hurts the most.

#bmeadowsp

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yes-dal456 · 8 years ago

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13 Reasons Why NOT

If you didn’t catch my recent podcast, I spoke in depth about teen suicide and depression, particularly as the topic is portrayed in “13 Reasons Why,” a popular Netflix series. As I expressed in my last blog, the series has brought to light many of the challenges teens face today. However, I found it seriously lacking in direction and hope.

That hope is so critical for teens who are suffering. I’ve said it before: people don’t need 13 reasons to complete suicide. They need one big reason to complete suicide and they need no one to step in and help. What I’d like to offer teens who have watched “13 Reasons Why” are 13 completely different ideas: 13 reasons not to complete suicide.

13 Reasons Not to Complete Suicide

1. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I read somewhere that “suicide is the one mistake you won’t live to regret.” Living a life of regret isn’t healthy, but as long as you’re living, you have the opportunity to change and progress. Suicide isn’t a solution to a problem; it is a final, irrevocable, unchangeable mistake. What makes life beautiful is that it allows us to change, to heal, to right the wrongs, to forgive others and seek forgiveness in return. Suicide robs you of all of this.

2. You may have depression, which is an illness and it is treatable.

If you found out tomorrow that you had cancer, would you end your life or would you fight back? Depression is an illness, and it’s as real as any other illness, with symptoms that are both physical and emotional.

3. Depression is a liar. You wouldn’t give someone who lied to you the time of day, so why give a liar your life?

My husband Bill put his all into everything he did. He was passionate about his career as a health and fitness professional. He was dedicated to his family and loved ones. But he allowed depression to take his life – and that permanent decision was the only mistake he couldn’t take back. Depression plants thoughts and feelings into your head that aren’t real. Don’t believe them, and don’t let them take your life.

4. It’s not your fault. Whatever you are going through, it’s not your fault.

If you suffer from depression, chances are, you don’t deserve it. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, depression can be caused by genetics, brain biology and chemistry, life events and trauma, loss of a loved one, difficult relationships, early childhood experiences or stressful situations. If you are depressed, it’s likely due to a factor beyond your control, but what is in your control is your decision to get help.

5. Things can (and will) change. What you are feeling isn’t permanent. The first step to any change is making the decision to ask for help.

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to go for help. Your parents, teachers and counselors are the obvious first lines of defense, but if you don’t feel like you can go to them, talk to any responsible adult you trust about what you’re feeling. Additionally, there are a myriad of resources available for teens who feel exactly like you do. They’re listed at the end of this blog and are available for you 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

6. You matter: to your family, to the people whose lives you have touched.

Sometimes depression is the result of a family situation that is less-than ideal. Sometimes, it happens despite loving, supportive parents and a healthy home life. Regardless of your specific situation, never doubt that you matter. You haven’t lived this long without touching someone’s life and heart – whether that includes your parents, grandparents, relatives, friends, teachers or community or church leaders.

7. You are loved. It may not feel like it sometimes, but when you have depression, it’s hard to let any outside affection in.

Believe that it’s there – a lot of love is there. As a living, breathing human being, you have a great capacity to love and be loved in returned. When you have depression, it can be very difficult to feel that love. According to Good Therapy, depression can prevent you from feeling love for a spouse or family member, and even trick you into thinking that any love you felt in the past wasn’t real. These feeling might happen in episodes or intensify over time. It’s important to believe in love – believe you can give it and receive it again.

8. There is help. Suicide has affected so many lives, and because of this, there are many amazing resources for all ages to get the care and hope they need to heal.

Every year, more than 34,000 people die by suicide – an average of 94 completed suicides each day, according to Emory University. No one wants you to become a statistic. There are so many people and organizations who want to help you. The resources I list at the end of this blog are a good place to start, but are just a drop in the bucket of the support you’ll find when you ask for help.

9. You are not alone. The way you feel is individual, but there are so many people who also feel the same pain. Knowing you’re not alone can help ease the decision to get help.

Suffering from depression can be a lonely, isolating experience. But did you know that 350 million people around the world feel like you do? Everyone experiences the symptoms of depression differently, but you are not alone in feeling the way you do – not even close.

10. You will feel whole and healthy again.

I don’t say this as trite consolation. I know this because I have seen it in action. As a certified grief counselor and mental health educator, I know that healing is possible. I have seen teens who felt just like you get the help they need, treat their depression and move on to live happy, fulfilled and successful lives. When you choose the path to heal, a new world of possibilities opens up for you. It’s time for you to find out what’s waiting for you in that world.

11. Relief is around the corner.

Maybe you’re not ready yet to change your life. But I bet you are ready for a bit of relief. Whether that’s relief from excruciating pain to relief from crippling anxiety to relief from overwhelming numbness. Depression manifests itself in so many different ways, but none of them feel good. Treating your depression is like treating any pain – it may take time to heal, but you’ll likely feel some relief immediately.

12. Time is on your side. What’s great about the choice to heal is that you can take your time. Heal on your own terms. You are in the ultimate control and that is motivating and powerful.

No one says you need to feel better overnight. When you decide to seek help and healing – to live – you’ve already given yourself a wonderful gift: TIME. Some people might feel better quickly, while others will need to work through their depression for the rest of their lives. That doesn’t mean you can’t live a meaningful, happy and fulfilled life. Give the process a chance; give it the gift you’re not willing to sacrifice to your depression – your time.

13. You are incredible. You have laughed at this, but you are. You are unique, real, alive and you have the strength to take control and seek the help and hope you deserve.

Perhaps Dr. Seuss said it best when he said “Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you.” As a unique individual with distinctive thoughts and experiences, you have a lot to offer the world. Getting help is the first step to showing the world all you have to offer – and getting what you deserve from the world. Your strength is greater than you know; and it’s sufficient (and then some!) to get help and work through this. You’ve got this!

For information, advice, hope and direction on teen depression and suicide, visit The Grief Girl. If you need help right away, these resources are always here for you:

Teenline (This is a crisis hotline for teens to talk to other teens): 800-TLC-TEEN

AFSP American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: 800-273-TALK(8255)

Trevor Lifeline (Crisis line for LGBTQ youth): 866-488-7386

Bullying Hotline: 800-273-8255

National Eating Disorder Association: 800-931-2237

National Alcohol and Drug Abuse Hotline: 877-437-8422

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imreviewblog · 8 years ago