#“’this is stupid no hotch in this episode””’ | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

uranometrias · 7 months ago

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✮ꜜ : ❛ you're still a traitor : criminal minds x fem! reader [ pt. 1 ]

pairing: aaron hotchner x bau! reader (unrequited) | spencer reid x bau! reader | s7 team x bau! reader (platonic)

summary: being in love with your boss was hard. especially when there were so many factors surrounding you that made the possibility of being with him, out of the question. for starters, there was your age gap, and hotch was a stickler with baggage that he couldn't quite disclose to you. hotch was a fantasy, always out of your grasp, that is until emily dies. in the four months that followed emily's death at the hands of ian doyle, you found yourself living a life that you'd only ever dreamed about. hotch was careful, but the proof was right in front of your face as he went out of his way to care for you while you grieved. how stupid of you not to realize something was horribly wrong. but now emily was back, and hotch was back from reassignment in pakistan, and you were all on trial, and absolutely nothing makes sense except for the bitter understanding that you were a pawn in a game that in so few words was "way bigger than you." but at least you had spence.

content warnings: this is literally a barrel of angst. reader breaks the skin of her palms with her nails. mentions of slight! anxiety. follows the plot of "it takes a village" aka the iconic "this is calm, and it's doctor" episode. flashbacks x present day! spencer has been crushing on reader for as long as she's been crushing on hotch. hotch is NOT romantically interested in reader. slight! hotchniss vibes (but that's up to your interpretation. jj x reader angst! reader does not react to emily's return well. mentions of unit transfer / bureau resignation. spencer confesses to reader... open ending making room for a part 2! heartbreak, drinking, crying. best friend! penelope garcia + derek morgan. reader has a sister & niece.

read part two right here.

Your leg shakes violently as you sat just outside the court room, hands balled into tight fists as your nails press deep into the callousing skin of your palms. You couldn't say you were nervous, as far as the previous case was concerned you'd done everything you could to save Declan. You'd take whatever suspension they'd throw your way without batting an eye. You didn't regret the part you played, no, you just regretted the team that you were apart of.

It had been a crazy seven months. You remembered when things turned left, back when Emily started acting weird. She was shorter, snappier, she had less patience with any of you. Long gone were the days of wasting your time with jokes and innuendos. She had a lot on her mind, a lot none of you were privy to, and you remembered how you'd stretched yourself. You'd all tried so hard to show her you were there, to let her know that you could be trusted.

Your face contorts into a scowl, it had become your new resting face in the last few weeks. God, you hated how stupid and naive you'd been back then. Now that everything was out in the open, it was almost too obvious where the deception began. What was the point of taking care of people who had no trouble treating you like some disposable pawn piece to be moved to fit their whims. Damn. You were crying again, you'd been doing that a whole lot too lately.

You scrub furiously at your face, and you hate your teammates a little bit more. JJ had gone first, face devoid of any timidity or uncertainty. Long gone were the days of Jennifer Jareau the Liaison, she was a profiler now, one of you. When she'd come back, you'd been ecstatic. The unit hadn't been the same since she was transferred, you'd missed her so gravely. But now, now the sight of her just reminded you of the secret you'd been holding on the tip of your tongue.

Hotch wasn't the only one who had known about Emily.

You feel a hand moving to rest on the top of your thigh, and you flinch violently. You sniffle audibly, eyes moving to rest on Penelope, your God-given solace. Your best friend. She, Derek, and Spencer were the only ones who wholeheartedly understood what you felt. But even still, Hotch hadn't used their feelings to make them blind, the way he had done with you. He'd played you like a goddamn fiddle, and you'd let him. Because you were weak, stupid, grieving, and in love.

Hotch had never been in the cards for you, not that you weren't beautiful, gorgeous, an amazing agent. You had the stamp of approval of both Agents Gideon and Rossi. Erin Strauss had been (by your request) rejecting every request of transfer any other unit had tried to offer. You were an asset to the bureau, and a major part of this team. You'd been around since the beginning. You'd witnessed doe-eyed Spencer Reid join at age 23, full of facts and anxiety.

You'd seen Derek blossom and break out of his play-boy persona, and become someone that other branches of the law fought to have. You'd been around for so long, you'd witnessed so much, and Hotch knew that. Which you suppose is what you allowed yourself to believe was the reason he'd never shown signs of reciprocating your feelings. He was respecting your future, leaving your options open. But those were the delusional musings of a girl in love with someone she can't have. Hotch wasn't into you, and you knew that.

So why, why, why did you let him convince you of the opposite? For even one measly second? And, yes, of course in the grand scheme of things you understood why he did what he did. But it didn't make it hurt less. In fact knowing his duty to Emily outweighed his duty to anything else just made this whole ordeal feel more like a slap to your face. Penelope gives your thigh a reassuring squeeze, and you're pulled from your running mind. You blink, registering her worry.

"Are you alright?" she asks, and it's the first time anyone's asked you that since the first day. You know they were giving you space to cope, which only seemed to reaffirm your feelings of betrayal and loneliness. "We'll get out of this, alright? And we'll-we'll be able to be a complete family again." she proceeds, and serves you right for believing someone understood what was going on. They'd all misunderstood you. They thought your behavior was fear of the team being dismantled. Some profilers you were surrounded by.

"I'm fine, Garcia." you say, and you can't bite the snippiness if you wanted to. "I just want to get this over with, and get the hell out of here." you add, and you're standing up, Penelope's hand dropping limply as you move your seat. You find a more isolated corner, plopping back into the uncomfortable seat, as the legs squeak slightly. Your leg is back to shaking, only now you've taken to chomping on your bottom lip. You don't imagine Penelope's hurt expression, you know without a doubt that you'll cave. And you can't.

Not this time.

Your phone chirps in your pocket, and you jump once more. Your jumpiness was a new attribute triggered by the amount of sleep you hadn't been getting. Pulling it out you see that it's a call from your big sister, and you curse under your breath. You were supposed to be watching your niece so your sister could pick up an extra shift. None of you had really expected for things to go this far.

"Hey..." you wince, because you can hear the heaviness of your feelings ladled over your words.

"Hey, are you alright? I got a call from Spence." and you're surprised. You look up, searching for the brunette anywhere in the vicinity, and find that he hasn't shown up yet. It's a bit of a shock, especially for someone as punctual as Reid. You did however spot JJ still meandering about, and she's not looking tense at all. Despite your anger towards her, you couldn't deny that she'd quickly fallen into the role of a profiler. It fit her almost like a glove.

"Spencer called you?" you ask, and you hear the tension in your sister's sigh. You imagine that she must be exhausted. Your sister did a lot, and managing a blossoming family was hard. Your niece was five, and she had a new addition to the family on the way. Which was why it was so important for you to be there on the days she needed you to watch your niece.

"Yes, he said something about..." your sister lowers her voice. "Emily." she questions, and you find your head nodding despite the fact she can't see you. "Are you alright?" she asks again, and this time she emphasizes how important it is for her to hear directly from your mouth the state of your wellbeing. Your sister seemed to always see right through you, it was a wonder she wasn't the one in the FBI.

"I'm-" you trail off before you can lie. "I'm sure if they could they'd disband the unit." you whisper, and you look up just as Derek is exiting the court room, Penelope looking terrified as she takes his place. Derek scans the room before he spots you, and his eyes soften. JJ approaches him and the two seem to chat animatedly. Still they look so serious, there was no room for smiles and banter today.

It's not long though before they're looking at you again, and you know that they know. Your self isolation wasn't something you were exactly being subtle about. You immediately look away, focusing in on what your sister was saying. "Bad decisions or not, they're no good without your unit." she says, and pride still manages to swell up inside of you. "You guys do good work. You work because you're together, everyone plays their role." she proceeds, and it's then you shatter.

Play your role. What role exactly did you play? Hotch was the stoic leader that somehow seemed to play the role of pseudo-father so well for every member of the team, with the exception of Rossi and Derek. Derek, was the shoe-in for promotion. The older brother who teased you relentlessly, but would fight til his last breath to protect you, and he always did. JJ, the pretty girl. The one who everyone on the team at some point had been attracted to. But more than that, she was resilient, a subtle glue that kept your unit running.

You quickly slot through everyone else's roles in your head, and huff. What were you except the odd-woman out. The dummy with a crush on your unit chief, and too much knowledge for your own good. You supposed that was why Hotch had to distract you with exaggerated gestures. If you got out of your feelings and really thought about it, you knew that if anyone on the team was going to see through the smoke, and uncover the truth about Emily, it would be you.

So he had to handicap you. What better way than by hanging the possibility of a romance in your face. Still, it was cruel. Just more proof that this was not the family you made them out to be. "Yeah, I'm not so sure." you reply, and you can hear how disgruntled you sound. It smacks you like a ton of bricks, and it's then you truly realize just how hurt you were by everything. Your sister sighs deeply, and it makes you second guess yourself. Were you being irrational? Unfair?

"I know what Hotch did." she begins, "And it was awful to play with your feelings like that." she expresses, and you feel validated. "And nobody's expecting you to just welcome Emily back with open arms after months and months of thinking that she was dead. You were deceived, and I want you to feel however you want, okay?" she says, and you don't respond, mostly because it feels rhetorical. "Just don't do anything rash without thinking it through alright?"

You don't know what she means by that so your eyes roll. "I think we're well past that, if they find us guilty I could lose my job." you remind her, and she chuckles. You don't find it funny, you can't. Your love for the job outweighed a lot of things, so it had been a no-brainer to help Derek seek out Ian Doyle. You wanted his head spinning on a pike, and you weren't planning to take no for an answer.

two weeks prior.

You were sitting across from Derek, steaming mug of coffee in your head that was more french vanilla creamer than anything else. You held the staged photograph of Declan and Louise. Derek's holding an identical photo, a heady sigh escaping him as you both rack your brains for some sort of bullseye. Something that would point you right in the direction of Declan. "Okay, Emily needed to get Declan a new identity." Penelope says as she walks into the office. She sits in the chair right beside you, arm full of stress balls and files. "So she must have used someone that she trusted." she proceeds.

"Alright, well that's a short list, but it's probably not even written down." is Derek's tired reply.

"Even if it was, she's been so many places, with so many different points of contact. " you speak up, and you take a sip from your coffee, praying it kicks in and wakes you up a bit. "It's not gonna be super easy to track and narrow them all down." you say, and you realize your mistake just as Penelope is placing a file in your hands.

"Oh, tell me about it. Two columns, domestic and imports." she says as she passes the other to Derek, who's looking at you with an amused smile stretched across his face. Serves you both right for underestimating the genius of Penelope Garcia. "I accept your apology, cutie." she says, leaning into you as you grin, smacking your lips in a kiss.

"Hey." JJ's at the door of the office, all three of you turning to look her way as she beams brightly. "Have you guys seen, Spence?" she questions, and you remember how you'd offered to bring him a coffee as a respite from the garbage water they served in the bullpen. He'd shut you down politely asking to reschedule as he was going to be spending his day at the Firing Range. You understood the need, he wanted to protect himself, and the team. He had to get better.

"He's at the firing range." you and Penelope speak in unison, making eye contact, as hers narrow. You knew instantly she would have questions about why you of all people knew Spencer's whereabouts.

"Again?" JJ questions as you shrug your shoulders, her eyes flitting towards you.

"Ever since Prentiss died, he..." Penelope speaks your thoughts.

"Right." JJ nods her head. "Uh... did you guys just get a new case?" she questions, hands clasping together in front of her.

"It's just an old one." Derek answers.

"Do you want some fresh eyes?" she asks, and it's painfully clear that she's still figuring out how to feel more like the team again.

"Not just yet." Derek denies, and he's polite, but you knew why he was being this way. You were all for keeping anything related to Doyle under wraps until you were further along.

"Ok. Um, well let me know." she hums, and then she looks back at you. "Y/N, can I..." your eyebrows raise as she trails off. "Can we talk? It'll only take a second." she hopes, and you look to Derek and Penelope for a moment.

"We won't do anything big without you." Derek promises, and you nod, closing the file, and handing it off, before you stand to your feet. You follow JJ out of the office, and down the hallway, stopping just before you reach the heart of the bullpen. You look to her expectantly, a bit confused, but not on edge. You had missed JJ, and in the two months she'd been back, it'd been pretty hard to get some real time with her. You'd hoped a break in the case would help to change that.

"Everything okay, Jaige?" you ask, and you witness how she exhales in relief right in front of you.

"God, it is now." she says, and your eyebrows jump up. She seems to understand the confusion on your face as she lets out a chuckle, dispelling more of her own tension. "You've been calling me Agent Jareau since I got back... not JJ and definitely not Jaige." she explains, as it seems to register for you. "I guess I was just a little worried I'd done something to make you mad at me." she admits, and she's clearly sheepish.

"Oh." you chuckle yourself, and you reach out to hold her shoulder. "No, you've done nothing wrong." you promise. "I've just been a bit in my head these last few weeks, but I'm really glad you're back." JJ beams at your words, and all the remaining tension in her posture dissipates instantly.

present day.

"Hey, everything alright?" you look up, pulled from your thoughts at the presence of Spencer Reid. He's holding a medium cup of a steaming liquid that you can only assume is coffee, and you find yourself smiling despite yourself. "I remember you asked me a few weeks ago about coffee." he holds it out, and you're quick to press your phone to your shoulder, neck craning slightly as you take it.

"Thanks, Spence." you mumble, and you can practically hear your sister's smirk from the other line. "Could you just give me one second, I'm talking to my sister?" you question, and Spencer nods his head, eyes widening in understanding. You smile politely, and he beams back at you, pretty eyes seemingly brightening before he's making his way over to Derek who's smirking like the nuisance he is.

"Hey." you mumble once he's gone, and your sister is snickering. For some odd reason she'd been dropping hints that maybe the guy on the team you should be setting your sights on was Spencer. To your defense, it wasn't like he wasn't attractive. You'd be an idiot to deny his boyish charm and good looks, but after he'd sat you down and admitted he had a crush on JJ, back during his second year, you'd sort of blocked any potential attraction towards him out of your head.

Now he was just Spence.

"Hey, I should go. I just wanted to check in, Spence made me aware of everything so I've got everything figured out on this end." she promises you, and you nod once more despite yourself. "Just think about what I said, alright? It'd be a shame for you to leave behind such a good job." she finishes, and you don't know how to respond to that, so you don't. "Call me later?" she questions, though you know she's telling you more than asking.

"I will." you reply, and she sounds pleased as she exhales.

"I'll talk to you soon." and then the phone is clicking. You adjust your grip on your coffee, using your free hand to grab your phone, and place it down on your lap. The coffee smelled good, it was from that cute shoppe that sold different pastries and always smelled like cinnamon. You'd been there with Spencer and Penelope a handful of times, and they always made your coffee exactly how you liked it. Still, Spencer had never ordered for you so you await a mishap.

The first sip warms you up instantly, and you're knocked flat on your ass by how on point the drink was. Your eyes snap upwards, looking across the lobby towards Spencer, who's awkwardly sitting in a seat, Derek beside him. JJ was gone now, but you figured she was probably with Hotch and Emily, the three of them had been attached at the hip since the team was "back together". You're certain them being gone was what led you to standing to your feet.

You walk towards Derek and Spencer quietly, slipping into a seat next to Spencer as Derek leaned up against the wall. "I didn't know that you knew my coffee order." you whisper, and Spencer turns to look at you. He offers a half smile, you were certain you'd be passing a lot of those back and forth until the court proceedings were done with.

"Of course I do." he shrugs his shoulders. "I pay attention when you talk." he promises, and you wonder why he had to like JJ, and why you had to like Hotch. On paper, and off paper Spencer Reid was the perfect candidate for boyfriend, plus he never pretended to be into you to keep you from finding out the truth. You both fall into silence, there's not much else to say, but you let his words repeat in your head. I pay attention when you talk. It makes your stomach twist.

"You alright over there, pretty girl?" Derek's voice barely reaches over a whispered volume. It seemed you all were feeling the dreary aftershocks of an ordeal like the one you'd found yourselves in. You look up at Derek tiredly, and you don't understand why he's asking you this, not until you feel the scalding heat of hot coffee singing your skin. Two sets of worried eyes are drawn to your cup, it's squished in your palm, brown liquid streaming everywhere.

"Shit." you hiss, and the cup falls to the floor, you're quick to clutch your burnt hand. God, you were really torn up over this.

"I'll get this cleaned up." Derek promises, and he looks at Spencer as if he was communicating something he didn't want you privy to. Spencer falters, only for a second before he's reaching out for your forearm, and guiding you to your feet. You trail after him, walking down the long corridor, listening out for the telltale sign that Penelope was done, and they'd be calling you next. On your route you pass JJ who looks concerned as she looks between the two of you.

"Spence, Y/N?" she says, and you avert your gaze, you're not sure if you're more angry or embarrassed.

"Sh-she spilled some coffee." Spencer explains, but he doesn't stop walking. "Shouldn't be more than a first degree burn, if she soaks her hand for five minutes, everything should be fine." he is passive as he speaks, eyes never quite meeting hers as he continues to lead you.

"Let me take her." JJ offers, and both you and Spencer are quick to offer denials. She looks hurt but masks it quickly. "It's not like you can go into the girl's bathroom with her, right?" she says and it's then you both realize you've got no other choice. He looks to you, trying to gauge how you'd feel about it, and you sigh. Maybe this was for the best, you could finally get things off your chest with JJ. It was only fair. He seems to clock the instant you've decided, and concedes.

"I'll be right out here." he promises, and you nod slowly. He looks like he wants to say more, but he doesn't get the chance to.

"Spence." JJ says his name a bit more sternly, and he resists the urge to cut his eyes in her direction. He ignores her long enough to take in your ailed hand, he saw the way the skin began to redden and swell. He seems cross as he passes you off to JJ, and you feel a bit silly being fussed over for something as minute as a coffee burn. JJ's earnest in the way she takes you to the nearest women's restroom. You hiss the second the cold water comes in contact with your skin.

You don't say anything to JJ though, losing your nerve the second the two of you were alone. She looks like she's waiting for you to say something though, eyes brimming with some sort of unease. She was reading you, using her new skills to profile you. You suppose that's exactly what pushes you to finally speak. "We said we'd never profile one another." you remind her crossly, and she's sheepish. "Just because you're doing it in your head doesn't make it any less invasive." you keep your wrist in place, hissing silently.

"If you would just talk to me I wouldn't have to go that far." she counters, and you blink. Fair, but you had every right to keep your distance from her. Just because the rest of the team was still more or less unaware of JJ's role in harboring the secret of Emily, you'd read right through her.

"What's there to talk about exactly?" you ask. "None of us want to be here dealing with this." and you take the route of the naive girl.

"I'm not talking about with the trial... and the senators." she shakes her head, and she's almost pleading as she tries to catch your eyes in the mirror. "I'm talking about Emily." she deadpans. "Everything that happened?" she proceeds. "You've hardly said a word to her since she came back." she doesn't want to come off like she's scolding you, and so she takes in a breath before her tone can become defensive.

"I don't speak to ghosts." and it's a quiet little dig that she hears all the same. It forces a tense silence to wash over the restroom, the only sound slicing through the awkwardness is the water rushing from the spout. JJ clears her throat, blinking a few times as she adjusts your wrist, allowing the water to evenly coat your burn. Only a few more minutes of this and you could make your grand escape.

"That's not fair." she finally voices her thoughts with a deep sigh.

"Isn't it?" you snap. "Seven months we thought she was dead." and you suppose that was a mistake of hers, getting you started. "Pretty lucky that you were off at the Pentagon, right?" you ask sourly. "Or was it lucky that you were in on the whole scam? I mean you were at the funeral, but you didn't have to cry, you didn't have to grieve." you accuse, and JJ's jaw slackens, clearly surprised at your outburst.

"I lost my friend too, okay?" she counters and you scoff.

"Did you?" you argue. "All those nights I called you crying, all those texts, those check ins... how long did you know Emily was still alive?" you demand, and JJ's feeling cornered, and her heart rate is picking up. She knew there'd be mixed feelings about this, but she'd never expected to ever be at odds with you. You, Spencer, and JJ rounded out the younger crowd on the team, it was your job to stick together. "Answer me." you insist, and you sound so crushed as you speak.

"I knew the whole time." she answers, and you nod your head, because of course you already knew.

"Exactly." you sneer. "You're a liar." you hate how angry this whole thing makes you, but you can't deny it. They'd played with your feelings, all of them, and now you were meant to behave like nothing was wrong. "Did you know about Hotch?" you ask, and JJ flinches. She doesn't answer for a while, and the water seems to rush even louder in your ears.

"I told him it wasn't smart." she finally answers. "But we needed to ensure that Emily wasn't at risk, it was harmless... just some flirting to keep you from getting too close to the truth." and JJ is speaking as if this wasn't some major breach of your position as coworkers and alleged friends. "He'd never cross the line." she reminds you, and the reminder that yeah, Hotch would never be with you makes you wince.

"And he didn't." she says this like she knows for certain. "It was flirting, Y/N. it didn't mean anything, we just needed you to..." and she trails off when she sees how destroyed you look at her admission. "Y/N..." she trails off, and you inhale sharply.

"Don't." you exhale, and you snatch your hand from her grasp. The cool air of the bathroom immediately attacks the welts blooming on your hand. You don't have time to pay them any mind.

"We just wanted to protect you... and keep Emily safe in the process. The more of us that knew Emily was alive, the more of a liability we'd be while Doyle was still on the run." she says, and you suppose in the grand scheme you understand. As profilers, as special agents working for the FBI they'd done great work. As your friends, as people you'd considered family for years... they'd betrayed you.

Plain and simple.

"Congratulations, you did exactly what you meant to." you say dully, and you sniffle, though no tears are set to come. Instead you feel more anger blossoming in the pit of your gut. "I hope it was worth it." and it's dramatic, but you deserve the dramatics, sidestepping the blonde and leaving her behind just as Emily is stepping inside. She looks at you wide-eyed, before she sees JJ standing there seemingly frazzled.

"Is everything okay?" she questions, and you don't offer her an answer, instead leaving the restroom as your earlier words ring in your head. I don't talk to ghosts. And you don't, and despite your history you'd never allow yourself to. You find your way back to the seats that led to the courtroom, Derek was gone, the only person still there was Spencer. He stands up as soon as he hears your shoes.

"Where's Derek?" you ask quietly.

"He left with Garcia." he answers quietly. "I guess they're dismissed for now. They're in with Dave now." he explains, and your eyes shift to the door. More than likely you or Spencer would be next.

You sit down, and Spencer follows you, sinking back into his seat as his legs just barely brush against yours. "Are you scared?" you ask, and Spencer's head shakes.

"Are you?" he shoots back, and you look away from the door.

"Not of this." you admit. "But of what comes after." you add and Spencer's pretty brown eyes are swimming with confusion. "Can we really all bounce back from something like this?" you ask, and it's rhetorical, but he answers you all the same.

"We've come back from worse." he reminds you, and that faint smile is worming back onto your face.

"Sure we have." you agree numbly. Spencer's eyes drop to your hand.

"How does it feel?" he asks, and you follow his gaze with a shrug of your shoulders. He doesn't look pleased by this approach, and it makes you sigh.

"Just feels like I ran some water over it." you admit, and Spencer chuckles. "A bit anticlimactic if I'm honest with you, Doctor." and you're partly teasing, mostly because it's so easy.

"You'll need some sort of petroleum jelly... there's some pretty good products that aren't at all carcinogenic like the leading brands." he begins on a tangent, and it makes you smile a bit bigger. "That with some gauze is the perfect remedy for such a mild burn." he proceeds and you look down at it. There's a moment of silence between you, before he's talking again. "Can I ask what happened?" he whispers.

You hum, almost like you're pretending you can't hear him.

"With the coffee? Was it not good? I tried to follow your order exactly." he says and you squeeze your eyes closed.

"It wasn't you or the coffee, Spence." you promise him, and without thinking you reach out, small hand resting on his shoulder. "The coffee was perfect." you insist, and he relaxes, but not enough. "I guess I'm just thrown about all of this." you proceed. "No matter how much I try to remind myself that they did this to protect Emily... that their deception was for a good reason, it just makes me angrier. Why is it that I have to rationalize being angry?" you question.

"I have to reign my feelings in for the sake of the team." you're careful not to grow loud. Spencer's eyebrows are pressed inwardly, head shaking.

"You don't." he denies you quickly. "You shouldn't." he corrects.

"You're right." you agree, and your silent for only a second. "I wish everyone could be like you, Spence." you say, and your words surprise him. He feels this familiar wave of adoration that always seems to swallow him whole whenever he was around you.

"Really?" he knows it might be pathetic, to be hopeful for something like this. The chance to hear what popped in your head whenever you thought of him.

"Yeah." you say firmly, and he tries not to look too eager. "You're so smart." you tell him, and he knows this, but it still feels nice hearing it from you. "And you're always nice to me." you add with a quiet laugh. "And you'd never lie to me would you?" you ask, and in truth, it's not a fair question. Spencer wasn't in the position the others were in.

"What do you mean?" he asks, and he fears it may be the wrong response. You don't even react, at least not that he can tell.

"Nothing." you settle on, head shaking from side to side. "Forget I mentioned it." and he doesn't really want to remind you that his memory quite literally makes that impossible. "I heard that you weren't fighting the suspension." you say conversationally, and he's surprised, mostly because the only person he'd told about that was Derek. Which meant you had been talking about him when he wasn't around.

"I guess I just stand by everything we did." he tells you, and your hand still hurts a bit, but it's definitely a problem for a later version of you.

"Me too. I'm glad we got Doyle, and Declan's safe." you exhale, and despite your anguish towards the team, you meant every word.

"And the team's back together." Spencer himself doesn't sound so convinced. You look over at him at this, your own unconvinced expression slowly cracking through his attempt at a cool facade.

"Is it?" you ask, and Spencer's face softens, a small little frown taking over his otherwise usually content face. He couldn't admit it now, mostly because it didn't feel like the right time, but he paid attention to you. He knew all about your complicated feelings for Hotch "I don't want to be on a team with people who purposely keep me in the dark about things." you ask, and Spencer pauses.

"I'm sure they wouldn't if they had another choice." he offers, and it's not how he feels at all, but it's what you need to hear.

"You don't believe that." you deny, and Spencer can't fight his chuckle. "Or maybe you do, you've always been good at seeing the best in people."

"Oh, do you think so?" it's a bit of a surprise. With your job description it would've made more sense for you to tell him that he saw the worst in people. He felt it was a fair thing to say that he was exceptionally good at his job, but it's then he recognizes what it is you're truly saying, or at least alluding to. It makes his face heat up immediately, cheeks blossoming a rosy red that makes him want to roll his eyes.

"Of course." you promise, and then you're looking at him again. Your face is one of the prettiest he's ever seen, and it's not even subtle. You seem a bit uncertain of your own allure though, which to him is a major shock. "You're like the best person ever." you add, and he expects you to snicker or show some sign that you were joking, but you don't. Bad for him, because his deluded mind full of fantasies starring you would take words like those the wrong way.

"I think you're the best person ever..." he's whispered this, but you hear it all the same, and he's lucky enough to witness the way your entire face morphs. Despite the bleariness in your eyes, you beam brightly. He hates though, that you start to cry. It starts with one tear slipping down your cheek and dripping into your lap. The onslaught comes right after, and before you know it, you're choking on sobs.

"God..." he hears the bitter tang of self-loathing that attaches and weaves itself into your otherwise honey-filled tone. "You're making this so hard, Spencer." you huff, and you scrub at your face harshly. He doesn't understand, but he's too frozen in place to ask you what you mean. Lucky him, you seem to know that you've got explain a bit, so you do. "I'm gonna resign." you say this quietly, sniffling as more tears fall. Spencer feels like he's misheard you.

He wants to have misheard you. He flounders a bit, and he's mentally scolding himself, because he has to hurry the fuck up and say something. "You can't!" and he's scolding himself again for sounding too eager. You jump a bit at the outburst, and he winces right along with you. "We just got everyone back." he reminds you, and you exhale, head nodding in understanding.

"I know." you promise him. "Why do you think this is so hard. You think I want to be the asshole that turns the unit on its head?" you ask. "But I can't stay here and pretend that everything's fine... or act like I don't feel thrown about all of this." you proceed, and of course, Spencer understands, he's upset he was lied too as well.

"I understand." he admits with a sigh, and you let out a quiet noise of relief, almost like you were worried he'd be upset with you. He assumes this is just him being delusional again. You look like you have something sitting on the tip of your tongue, so he stays silent to give you the room to say all that you need to.

"Have you ever had feelings for someone?" you ask. You chuckle at the look he shoots you, "Not just for a second, Spence." you proceed. "I mean like... take your breath away, kind of almost-in-love feelings." you indulge, and Spencer's keen to shut his mouth. Yes, is the loud and resounding answer that rings in his head, because foolishly he'd allows you to captivate him like the siren you were almost three years prior. He'd be a dummy to tell you such now though.

"I-" he blinks harshly, eyes feeling too dry. "I can't say I have." he lies, and he remembers your words from earlier, how you'd praised him for being someone who would never lie to you. You don't seem to notice his deception though, and if you do, you're too in your own head to comment on it.

"Good." you say with a shuddered breath. "They're nothing but a headache, especially when the person doesn't want you back." you exhale the words, and it's like a dagger is being lunged into his chest. How dense could you possibly be with all your super smarts?

"Did something happen with Hotch?" he asks, and now it's your turn to be embarrassed, face pinching up as you choke on a breath. "I don't mean to pry, if it's personal... it's just that-" he trails off, seemingly waiting for you to berate him or tell him to back off. You don't, instead your nose twitches, and you begin to look at your shoes. "Y/N?" he nudges you with his elbow, and it's light.

"No." you finally say, head shaking. "I thought maybe..." you trail off, more embarrassment slicing at you as you cringe. "But it was all a ruse, just a way to keep me from getting too close, and figuring out everything about Emily before they wanted us to know." you say and Spencer's eyebrows furrow.

"They?" he pries, and you look at him like he's silly.

"Hotch and JJ." you answer plainly, and it takes Spencer a second. JJ who he'd went to for comfort for ten weeks? He blinks at you, and you shrug. "So you see... anyone that could take my feelings and use them to manipulate me... are they really worth sticking around for?" you ask, and Spencer doesn't want to validate you in this way. He wants to be selfish, he wants you to stay on the team.

He thinks about how devasted everyone would be. How devasted he would be to walk into the bullpen and find that your desk was empty.

"I don't want you to go..." he admits, and it's quite pitiful, the sadness that soaks the words like gasoline. You find yourself chomping on your lip again, nails pressing into the cuts of your palms, and Spencer's catching your bad habits in real time.

It's a bit invasive, the way his hand surges out, and stops you in your tracks. "Please don't do this." and you're not sure if he's talking about leaving the unit, or if he's referring to the gashes littering your hands. When he holds your palm out flat, and rubs his thumb across the bleeding indentations, you find that you understand quickly.

Every few seconds it's ebbing with more droplets of blood, and he's quick to wipe them away like they offend him. Just as he's moving to say something else, the doors to the courtroom are opening, and Dave Rossi is exiting, his eyes immediately on you and Spencer. You must look foolish, hands intertwined as you stare wide-eyed at the team's senior agent. It's probably why Spencer is dropping your hand as you're snatching it away from his grasp.

You still find that your eyes are quick to appraise one another. He's looking at you, and you're staring back, mouths parted as if you'd been caught. Had you been caught? Had there really been anything to catch? You don't have time to answer, because you're being called next. You frown at Spencer, standing to your feet as he feels his pulse threaten to leap to disrespectful speeds.

"Y/N..." he calls after you, and you stop for a second. Eager eyes fall back on him, and he's trailing off, because the look in your eyes says it all. If you got out of this without being fired, you could imagine a world where quitting the FBI no longer made you sick to your stomach. Silence befalls the space, and he shakes his head after a beat. You look disappointed but not surprised, inhaling deep and audibly as you march towards the court room.

Spencer doesn't know what you're going to say, but he hopes recalling all you'd been through in the last few weeks will be enough to make you stay. At least until he has the courage to ensure that you leaving the team doesn't equate to losing you entirely and completely.

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confused-pyramid · 8 months ago

Text

I’d Like to Think That You Would Stick Around | s6

pairing: aaron hotchner x childhood bsf!reader

summary: Hotch and his childhood best friend working together at the BAU: a slow burn across the seasons.

word count: 15.5k

warnings: SMUT, oral (m!receiving), masturbation, canon!typical violence, mentions of abuse, mentions of death, guns, drinking, angst, specific episodes mentioned in this part are 6x06, 6x08, 6x17, and 6x18.

a/n: Sorry for the long wait guys, school has been kicking my ass, but here's the next part! We're getting a lot of angst this chapter, but we're so so close to the good times ;) Hope you enjoy! Title is from Love Song by Lana Del Rey

series masterlist

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

You are talking to Prentiss across the bullpen, laughing about something he can't hear, and he's freaking out. He shouldn't have left that night. He knows that. He just didn't know what else to do.

Never mind the fact that he has no idea how much you remember.

When you bumped into him on the way out of the elevator this morning, he swears you jumped back, but then you smiled at him, and he was able to convince himself that it was all fine. So why does it still feel like you are avoiding him?

He can still picture the dark expanse of your pupils as you leaned in closer after stumbling into him; he can still feel the rush of your breath as your gaze met his and his fingers tightened on your hip.

He walks into his office, before sitting at his desk and dropping his head into his hands. His blinds are just shut enough that no one from down in the bullpen can see into his office, and he welcomes the privacy as he rubs a hand over his face and forces his eyes away from the photograph of the two of you on his desk.

'Aaron...'

Your voice had sounded so soft, so hurt-

He shuts his eyes again and tries to think about anything else (maybe even the paperwork he's supposed to have been doing for an hour now) but every time he blinks, he sees your face again.

He has suspected the shift in your feelings for a little while now, but that night at the bar confirmed something he isn't sure he's ready to handle. He feels it too - of course he does - but he can't think about it. He can't.

He's floundering with Jack, with trying to be there for both him and the team, and he just lost Haley. God, he just lost Haley, and the idea of losing you too because he fucks it up just like he did with her is unimaginable. They were together for decades - they had a child together - and still he couldn't give her what she needed. Your friendship means everything to him, and if he does something to ruin your relationship too, he wouldn't be able to live with himself.

He glances out his window and sees you still talking to Emily, both of your heads now bent down to look at an open case file. She says something to you, and your face lights up as you grin at her. Something that feels like lava pools in his gut and he swallows thickly as he turns back to his paperwork.

***

You head back to your desk and drop the case file down as you resist the urge to glance up at his office window. He hasn't looked at you once today, and you can't help it as your mind goes to the worst case scenario of losing him forever because of one stupid moment.

You had considered pretending that you don't remember anything from the bar, but he just left you there. That isn't something you can forget so easily, and even as you're trying to ignore it, you don't want to avoid him. But it isn't that simple.

You're simultaneously hurt and embarrassed, but it isn't even your own feelings that are at the forefront of your mind. You haven't been to his place in over a week, and you miss Jack and you miss him. You haven't gone this long without talking to him in years.

Fuck.

***

Your quest to stay out of trouble results in you staying late at the office to get ahead on all of your work. Most nights you were staying even later than JJ and Aaron, but then JJ got sent to the DoD as a media liaison, and the work started piling up.

You did what you could to intercept some of the paperwork before it landed on his desk, especially since Jack was so close to starting preschool and you know Aaron wants to take any extra moment of face time he can get, but it wasn't a foolproof system.

That's why it's almost midnight after getting back from a case in Ohio, and Aaron's office light is still on. Knowing it's about time you broke the cone of silence you've been under, you walk up the stairs, giving yourself ample time to change your mind.

A minute later, you knock on his door, before pushing it open gently, waiting to see the look on his face.

"Oh, you're still here," he says, his eyes lingering on you for an extra moment before turning back to his work. "Come in."

You shut the door behind you and sit in the chair in front of his desk. It doesn't sink like it usually does, and it takes you a second to realize that he finally replaced it. After all this time...

"Are you heading home soon?" you ask, trying to feign nonchalance. You can't remember the last time you overthought every single thing you said to him.

Yes, you do, your brain mocks you. A film reel of your awkward senior year of high school starts playing in your mind and one lone thought sticks out among the cacophony of memories. You loved him.

"Yeah, I'm almost done," he says with a sigh, his eyes still trained on his paper.

You frown. "Really?"

"No."

That surprises a chuckle out of you and you lean forward in the chair. It's stiffer than you're used to, and it creaks as you slide in closer. "Want any help?"

He shakes his head. "You should head home. It's late."

You don't say anything and when he finally meets your eye, you shoot him a look.

He sighs, begrudgingly handing you a stack of files. "With JJ gone, it's been a little hectic. I have to go through the new cases coming in, as well as completing the post-case paperwork."

"Shit," you whisper, not knowing what else to say. Even as you tried to cut down his workload, it wasn't even scratching the surface. "I didn't realize that was all on you."

"Yeah, for the time being," he shrugs, raking a hand through his hair to push it back, even as it bounces right back into place. "But it'll be easier when they bring us someone new."

That stops you in your tracks. "How new? Because you know I really liked Jordan, but she was too green for the BAU."

"Newer," he says, his voice tinged with amusement. "They're considering some Academy cadets who are finishing up their remedial training."

"Cadets?" you echo, your voice rising an octave. "They're babies."

"They're at least 25," he states, the corner of his lip twitching. "Besides, their remedial training would have been with the BAU, so they'll know what they're getting into."

They'll know what they're getting into.

It's not a dig, but the juvenile corner of your brain hangs onto his words, trying to make out some double meaning.

"That's some relief, I guess." You flip open the first file, trying to pay attention as you scan the brief, but it just reminds you of how much you miss JJ.

"She was so much better at this," you groan, flipping the page. "I'm not sure anyone can replace her."

"I'm definitely sure that no one can," Aaron says simply as he glances up at you, "but we'll take any help we can get at this point."

There's a layer of subtext behind his tone, and you don't know if you're equipped to decipher it right now, after being up for almost 24 hours. Nevertheless, you don't give in as he looks at you, refusing to break eye contact.

Please be okay, your mind begs as the corners of his eyes crinkle. Please say I didn't fuck this all up.

His eyebrows raise slightly, checking in on you for the first time in so so long, and another thought takes over your mind. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Blinking away the thought, you nod, but you can't stop yourself as you clarify, "It's just a temp assignment, right?"

He finishes the sentence he was writing before looking up. "Yes. It's only temporary."

***

"Daddy, don't look at me."

Jack's voice filters out from his bedroom and he looks at Jess with a small laugh as she pretends to lock her lips and toss away the key.

"I'm not looking," he calls out. "Are you almost ready?"

There's a small sound of affirmation from down the hall, so he stands up from the couch and reaches for the little jack-o-lantern bag that Jack wanted to use for trick-or-treating.

When he looks up, his son is emerging from his room, dressed incredibly unlike the comic book character he wanted to be for Halloween.

"Whoa," Aaron says, his voice a low rumble. "That is definitely not Spider-Man."

Jack just shrugs. "He's not a real superhero."

"He's not?" He looks at his son again, trying to discern which superhero wears a suit. "Okay. I give up. Who are you supposed to be?"

The answer is immediate. "I'm you, Daddy."

Jess nudges his shoulder with a laugh before she walks forward and swings Jack into the air. "You look just like him, bud!"

He opens his mouth to add onto that sentiment, but his throat thickens with emotion and he has to clear his throat to get a word out. "You tied my tie so well." It's the best he can do with his eyes burning. All he wanted was for his son to feel safe and loved. Maybe I'm doing something right.

"Alright, buddy," Jess smiles, setting him down. "Grab your coat and shoes and we'll head out."

Jack runs off and she smiles at him again, crossing her arms over her chest. "You're a great dad."

"Thank you," he says simply, his lips curving up into a smile. She says it a lot, but for the first time in a while, he's finally starting to believe it.

Jess opens her mouth to say something, but she pauses for an extra second, piquing his interest. "I haven't seen Y/N around here in a little bit."

There it is. He should've seen it coming. "Yeah, she's just busy."

His words don't sound convincing, even to his own ears, and Jess shoots him a look to match. "I happen to know you quite well, Aaron. So if you're overthinking something you shouldn't be, let me be the first to say, you're being an idiot."

He lets out a surprised snort. "Thanks, Jessica."

"I'm just saying," she shrugs, tucking a strand of curly hair behind her ear. "I see things...and I know both of you, so it's not hard to read into things."

He takes a deep breath, pushing his hair back from his forehead. "It's not like that."

He expects her to push back, but she just presses her lips together and shrugs her coat on. "Either way, Haley saw it too...and she seemed happy about it."

Before he has a chance to fully process her words, Jack rushes out, barreling into him. "I'm ready!"

"Alright, my little G-man," he grins, pushing her words out of his head for the night. "Let's go get some candy."

***

Things have been shifting at the office. Ever since JJ left, the team has felt smaller, and with your unintentional (okay, maybe a little intentional) avoidance of Aaron, the office hasn't felt the same in a long time.

Everyone has been taking on more than they're used to, and when Penelope had to fill in for JJ in a press conference during your last case, you couldn't help but notice how she turned to Aaron for support whenever she felt unprepared.

Your curiosity about their shared secret was eating at you all day, until you received a mass email from him to the whole team. Re: Garcia's play, Tolgate Theater, 8pm

You didn't have any plans tonight anyway, and after long days in a seemingly endless rotation of slacks and blazers, you welcome the chance to dress up a little bit. It's not like you go out often (or at all) unless it's with the team.

Pushing to the back of your closet, you rifle through the longer dresses and gowns you own, before landing on a light green, silk number. It has a halter neckline that drapes loosely around your neck, and you haven't worn it since before Jeff died, because it always felt like too much.

But Emily messaged you after getting home with a photo of her dress too, and even though it may be a lot for a little neighborhood theater, you're excited about something for the first time in a long while.

After putting on the dress and doing your makeup a bit darker than usual, you grab your keys and head out.

He got to the theater a bit earlier than the rest of the team, mostly to apologize to Garcia and warn her about the onslaught of support she was going to be getting, but he also wanted to get there before you did, so he could save a seat for you beside him.

From an outsider's perspective, he imagines there wouldn't seem to be anything different or wrong with your relationship, but he has been feeling the frustrating tension between the two of you since that night out.

Speaking with Jess on Halloween felt like a welcome reprieve from his cycle of self-loathing, and he finally feels more free than he has in ages.

Emily, Derek, and Spencer arrive a short while later, and he points them toward the seats he booked out, before heading back to the lobby, where family and friends of the performers are milling around.

When Dave arrives, he's also dressed in a suit. "We certainly clean up nicely."

He coughs out a laugh. "I haven't pulled this suit out in years."

"Well, aside from the cobwebs," Dave jokes, brushing an imaginary piece of dust from his shoulder, "you look classy."

"Thanks," he smiles, patting the older man's arm. "You should head inside. We're sitting about halfway up."

"You coming?" Dave asks as he steps around him.

Aaron shakes his head, glancing back at the door again. "I'm going to wait for...everyone to get here. I'll meet you inside."

He nods, before smacking his shoulder once and walking into the theater. When Dave's out of sight, he turns back around and pulls his phone out, trying to look busy.

He scrolls through a couple of his latest emails before tucking his phone away. The front door of the theater opens then, and when he looks up, all of the air leaves his lungs.

It feels like the world is moving in slow motion as you glide inside, your dress billowing down as the breeze from outside settles. You look incredible, and he feels like a teenager again, when he was so in love with you he couldn't breathe.

He watches you glance around, clearly searching for a familiar face, so he walks up, approaching you slowly to give you time to notice him.

"Oh, hi!" you say, your lips curving up into a smile as he tucks a hand into his pocket. "Am I late?"

"Not at all," he says, hating how strained his voice sounds. "The play starts at the top of the hour."

"Perfect," you smile, removing your shawl from your shoulders and folding it in your hands. "You clean up well, by the way."

There's a slight tinge of humor in your voice, and you're looking at him expectantly, likely waiting for him to lead you to the seats, but he can't move. He's terrified of what he's feeling, but you look amazing, and he's surrounded by people he doesn't know, so he doesn't overthink it as he reaches out and slips a hand onto your waist.

You clearly aren't expecting it as he pulls you in closer, his fingers sliding across the silkiness of your dress. You smell like flowers, and he can't help himself as he leans in to press a kiss to your cheek. "You're beautiful."

Reality doesn't set in until he lets you go. Your cheeks are slightly flushed and he can't think straight, but the moment you step away from him and head to theater doors, the fog clears.

What is he doing?

The rational part of his brain takes over and he mumbles a curse under his breath before jogging forward to follow you inside. At least for the time being, he has the play to cover himself, but when morning comes, and brings with it the harsh light of day, he's fucked.

***

His skin is burning. The temperature in his office feels like it has been turned all the way up, but even as he undoes his cufflinks and rolls his sleeves back, the heat doesn't abate.

He is loosening his tie when his office door opens, revealing you in your rumpled button down and slacks. He opens his mouth to ask why you're still here, but before he can get a word out, you're shutting the door behind you and locking it.

"What are you doing?" he asks as you saunter over to him, stepping around his desk and pressing your hands to the armrests of his chair. "Y/N, it's late-"

"Shut up," you say firmly, twisting his chair toward you with a strong pull. He moves to get up, but you push his shoulder down to keep him in his chair.

He already doesn't know what to say, but every thought leaves his brain as you sink down to your knees before him.

"Don't move," you whisper, your eyes glinting up at him as you deftly undo the buckle of his belt and yank his pants open. "I'm in charge now."

He lets out a gasp as you tug his pants down in one go, and before he can do anything, your fingers are on him. Your lips curve into a smile as his breath hitches, and even with the thin fabric of his boxers between you two, the sensations coursing through him feel so magnified and new.

He is already hard as a rock, and you've barely even touched him. Teasingly slow, you pull his boxers down, watching as his cock springs free from the confines. Without wasting another second, you run your tongue up his length, and he grits his teeth to keep the groans in his throat from spilling out.

Your lips slowly close around his tip and the wet heat makes his head fall back as he tries to calm his breathing down. His chest is heaving like he just went for a run, but when you hollow your cheeks around him, he can't keep the moan inside. He loses control for a moment as he reaches forward to grasp onto your hair, but that only seems to spur you on, as you bob your head even faster.

The wet sounds of your mouth sliding over his cock fill the office, and he clutches his armrest with one hand and uses the other to guide your head.

He's already so close, and the soft grip of your hands on his thighs aren't helping as he tries to hold off, to prolong this feeling. At the last second, you swirl your tongue around the tip, and he chokes out a gasp, but then-

His eyes fly open to the lonely darkness of his bedroom. The room is warmer than it usually is, and his skin feels sticky with sweat under his covers. His mind, on the other hand...

He doesn't remember every moment of the dream, but the message was clear enough. His boxers are still tight from the memory, and he tries as hard as he can to think about anything else, but he keeps going back to the image of you, in front of him, kneeling-

Throwing the covers off, he sits up quickly and climbs out of bed, needing to clear his head in the only effective way he knows of. He shrugs his clothes off on the way to the bathroom, and he turns the shower on, making the water steaming hot, before stepping inside. The steam fogs up the glass around him, but he can still see the bare outline of his shame in the mirror across from the shower.

But now isn't the time, not with his skin burning and his cock pulsing in his hand. He pumps a few times as the hot water cascades over him, trying to set a rhythm, but it doesn't feel right. He keeps nearing the edge before the wave pulls back, and he lets out a soft groan in frustration as he presses his forehead to the glass.

Just once, he thinks as he grips himself again, his mind shifting back to his dream. Only this once.

His brain fills with the images from earlier: you on your knees, your mouth warm and wet over him, the pinpricks of sweat across the swells of your chest where your shirt was unbuttoned. He pictures your mouth as he ruts into his own hand, pretending, wishing, it was you instead.

It only takes a few more pumps before he finishes, spilling onto the white floor of his shower. The energy leaves him as he slumps against the wall, twisting the knob to a cooler setting, before shutting it off completely.

He still has a few more hours of sleep left before he has to get up for work, but he spends all night tossing and turning in the wide, empty expanse of his bed.

***

"What do you think he meant?"

"Maybe it's like a new manual, or guidebook."

"What are you two on about?" You walk up to your desk and slump down into the chair as Emily and Spencer look up with meek smiles.

Spencer is the first to crack. "We were discussing what Hotch might have meant by a 'different tactic' to solve this case in New Mexico."

You frown. "The gated community one? I thought Dave was just flying over ahead of us to get a head start."

"Nope," Emily shakes her head, before turning around. "He's in Hotch's office right now."

You look up just as Aaron and Dave exit the office and begin their descent down the stairs. Dave is ahead of him, with a big smile on his face, as he pushes past all of you.

It's only after you turn around that you realize who he's looking at. The woman he pulls into a hug is young - Academy cadet young - and she's pretty too.

"Ashley!" Rossi exclaims as he lets her go.

Hotch walks up behind them and shakes her hand. "Agent trainee Seaver is on loan to us from the Academy."

He introduces her to each of you, and you reach forward to shake her hand, a big smile on your face. After he told you that the bureau was considering someone new, you have had your guard up, but you don't want to make a bad impression in case she's here to stay.

"It's great to meet all of you," she says with a meek smile.

You pat her shoulder before walking past her to speak with Aaron about whether Seaver was the the new addition he was talking about. But when you lift your hand to get his attention, he turns away without looking at you, and leads Rossi out of the bullpen.

In the New Mexico gated community where three women have been murdered so far, Emily and Derek split off to check out the last crime scene, so you stay with the rest of the team and Seaver at one of the model homes to go through the evidence.

You can't help but notice how Spencer's eyes keep flitting over to the new girl, and a grin crosses your lips as you nudge his shoulder later.

"You totally have a thing for the new girl."

"Wha-what, no?!" he sputters, his face twisting into an unconvincing frown. "I don't even know her."

You just shrug. "You can still think she's pretty."

"That's irrelevant," he mutters, nudging you back and grabbing one of the files in front of him. "Do you think we can trust the local police?"

"I don't know," you sigh, letting him change the subject. "We definitely can't rule them out, especially in a community as clustered as this."

You glance across the room to Aaron and Dave, who are standing hunched over a laptop with the local detective. They're brows are all equally furrowed, and Aaron looks so focused you doubt he would hear you if you yelled his name right now.

Dropping the file onto the counter, you step around Reid and walk over to the trio, listening in as they start speaking.

"You interviewed every adult male in the community?"

The detective nods. "More than once. They're all digitized."

Aaron glances up as you approach, but when he realizes who it is, his eyes dart back to the screen. His eyes meet yours for the briefest of seconds, and he sees a frown cross your face out of his periphery. Fuck. He has to be more careful. You're a fucking profiler, for god's sake.

"Were all the interviews confrontational like this?" you ask as you come up beside him. He can feel the warmth of your arm inches away from his, and he leans his weight to the other side, trying not to think about his dream while you're standing this close to him.

"Is that wrong?"

Rossi raises his eyebrow. "You didn't get much out of them, did you?"

The detective shakes his head before skipping to the next interview, and everyone leans in closer to get a better look. With four of you surrounding the screen, it's harder to see, and when you press your hand to his shoulder to balance yourself, he all but flinches back from your touch.

The movement is harsh enough that everyone but the detective notices. His eyes fly to you as shock and confusion cross your face, and before anyone can say anything, he mutters something that sounds like 'sorry' before rushing out of the model home.

You're chasing after him the moment he's out of sight. Dave reaches forward to catch your arm but you shake him off, rushing out of the house and onto the street, which has been cleared by the local police since you arrived.

"Aaron!" you call out as he walks ahead of you, his hand raking through his hair. To his credit, he comes to a stop the moment he hears your voice, and you catch up to him quickly, stopping just short of him on the sidewalk. "What is going on? I thought we were okay?"

His eyes close for a beat, before his face hardens into a steely calm. You can no longer pretend like everything's fine. It hasn't been for a long time - not since the bar, and maybe even before - but you've always been good at compartmentalizing what you don't want to feel. With your mom, and Jeff, and Haley, you could push down the hurt until it dissolved into your bloodstream, spreading everywhere. It wore you down and thinned you out, but at least it wasn't overwhelming.

Looking at him now - your best friend, the man you...love. Your breath catches in your throat and he shakes his head, not looking at you. "What do you mean, Y/N?"

You wish you could keep pretending, like he seems to be able to, but it's just not fair anymore. Not to him, and especially not to you. "No, don't do this. Don't act like I'm the only one who sees how wrong this has been for the last few months. I used to talk to you everyday, Aaron. We've barely spoken in weeks!"

His face cracks for a moment and you see the glimmer of pain in his eyes before the wall comes up again. "I don't know what you want me to say. I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" you yell, your tone more forceful than you expect. "What are you sorry for, Aaron?"

He looks at you then, the facade falling away as your words sink in. The lines of pain and tension settle in and you're almost relieved that he's finally showing you the truth instead of hiding away what he's feeling. But then the despair returns as his lips thin into a line, unable to answer your question.

"What," you repeat, your words tinged with malice, "are you sorry for?"

He whispers your name softly, like it's an apology on it's own, before using his next words to tear you to pieces. "Don't make me say it."

A soft gasp leaves your mouth and you involuntarily take a step back, like he's slapped you in the face. He runs a hand over his neck and a sudden feverish anger rushes through you as you shake your head, blinking back tears. "Don't do that. I know it's not just me, Aaron. It's not-"

"Please," he whispers suddenly, cutting you off. "Please don't do this."

It's almost like he's begging you, and you jerk back, unable to look at him. Men have hurt you before, in so many ways, but nothing has ever cut deeper than this. You don't think your bullet wound hurt this much, and at least then you had him to support you. Now you're all alone.

The aching heartbreak hits you all at once and you brush a loose tear off your cheek before turning around and leaving him out on the sidewalk, watching you walk away.

***

"Something's up."

Penelope bumps Emily's shoulder to grab her attention. After a second, she looks up from her desk. "What was that?"

"Something," Penelope repeats, her eyes darting back and forth between you and Aaron, "is up. Y/N and Hotch haven't looked at each other in like four days. Earlier, she was talking to someone on the stairs and he literally walked out of his office and then back inside again."

Emily looks at her. "Are you sure you aren't reading into anything?"

Penelope shoots her a look that can only mean 'you're kidding, right?' "They're inseparable. Something must have happened in the last few weeks that we don't know about."

Before she can stop her, Penelope stands up and barrels over to you, with Emily on her heels like an owner who just dropped her dog's leash.

"Y/N!" Penelope calls out as she approaches you. You look up from your desk with a frown, before your face breaks into a forced smile that both of them can see through immediately. "We wanted to catch up."

You glance at Emily, who shrugs, earning a look of chagrin from the other agent.

"Okay, what do you want to talk about?" you ask, your forehead crinkling in a manner reminiscent of your boss.

Penelope pauses for a moment, like she's trying to think. "Uhh, I'm not sure. Maybe about...you and Hotch?"

"Subtle," Emily mutters under her breath as your face scrunches into a confused frown. "She just means that you two have seemed kind of off lately, and we were wondering if everything was okay."

You press your lips together, unsure of how to broach this topic, even with some of your closest friends. "It's nothing."

That pulls a frown from both of them, and you sigh, doubling down on your feigned nonchalance. "It's really nothing, guys. I just...can't see him right now."

You turn back to your work and Emily and Penelope share a look, twin realizations clicking in both of their minds. They rush back to Penelope's office, and Emily shuts the door behind them, before they both blurt out something that sounds like: "We all know what's going on here."

"We have to make him jealous," Emily agrees with a nod.

She pulls open her desk drawer and pulls out her address book. "I have just the thing."

***

"I messed up, Haley."

The ground is hard from the chilly December air, and he sits uncomfortably on the familiar granite bench before her grave. There is a bouquet of dried-up flowers leaning against her headstone, and he doesn't have to think too hard to figure out who they're from.

"I'm trying not to," he whispers, stuffing his hands into his jacket pockets to warm them up, "but I keep messing up."

A cool breeze wafts over him and the rustle of the nearby trees feels like an acknowledgement. Like she's really listening.

"She hates me," he sighs, his chin dropping to his chest as he shuts his eyes. The wind picks up slightly, and it's like he can hear Haley's voice in his head. She doesn't hate you. She's hurt.

"I know." He runs a gloved hand over his face, the cold sending a small shiver through his body. "It's my fault. I just don't know what to do or how to fix it."

Her reply in his mind is almost immediate.Yes you do.

He shakes his head, feeling like an idiot for talking to himself, even though it's helping him work through his emotions. "I don't. I really don't."

For a few moments, all he can hear is the rustle of tree branches and the low whistle of the wind blowing around the headstones. You have to tell her how you feel.

His chest tightens and he lifts his face, letting the cold air sting his skin, like some kind of penance. "Don't you think I want to? Every time I look at her, I'm terrified it's going to come out, but I can't say it." He takes a deep breath as the words start to flow out. He hasn't said them out loud to anyone, but right here feels like the safest place to let them out. "I love her."

Three simple words and it's like a weight lifts off of his chest. He still doesn't have the answers, but at least he can admit it to himself. "I'm in love with her, Hales. The only person in this world that I love more is Jack."

He can practically see her smile as he glances down at her name etched in stone. Then what's the problem.

"I'm gonna fuck it up. I always do." The words come out before he has a chance to think, almost like they've been sitting on the tip of his tongue for ages. He looks down at the ground again, imagining her sitting in front of him. "I did with you."

This time, his mind doesn't have the answer for him. He's finally in a good place with his son, and with the addition of Seaver to the team, his work load has been marginally cut back, so he doesn't really have an excuse anymore. It's just his fear of losing one of the only good things in his life that keeps holding him back.

But you're already losing her.

It's his own voice berating him this time, instead of Haley's.

You're trying so hard to hold her at arm's length that you haven't even noticed that she has stopped pushing her way in.

The wind rushes over him and he looks at the headstone again, his eyes tracing over Haley's name one more time, before he stands up and walks back down the hill.

***

Dave's annual new year's eve party has always been a fairly large spectacle, but when Aaron leads Jack up his driveway that evening, the sheer number of (expensive) cars lined up outside is nearly staggering.

He knew it wouldn't just be the team here tonight, but he wasn't expecting the sheer scale of the party, especially while his mind has been so pre-occupied with the prospect of seeing you outside of work for the first time in weeks.

The front door is unlocked when they reach the top of the porch, so he carefully pushes it open and leads Jack inside. He's only an hour late, but the hallways are already crowded with groups milling around, having loud conversations with a drink in their hand.

He doesn't recognize anyone until he gets to the kitchen, where he sees the rest of the team (minus Dave) chatting around a small snack table.

"Y/N!" Jack shrieks when he sees you, letting go of his hand immediately and running forward. You turn at the sound of his voice, and your face breaks out into a wide smile as the boy barrels over and throws his arms around you.

"Jack-o-lantern!" you gush, lifting him up and hugging him, your eyes falling shut as you squeeze the boy tightly.

Any onlooker can tell that his son loves you. For a while after Haley's death, Jack was closed off to every female figure in his life - even Jess - but he never shied away from you.

I love you, a voice in the back of his mind whispers as you set Jack down and press a kiss to the top of his head. I love you I love you I love you.

After Dave returned from the back patio and whisked away Aaron and Jack to meet some of his other friends, you loitered around the kitchen for a while, chatting with Derek and Spencer about their resolutions for the new year.

You're refilling your glass with some diluted punch when JJ and Emily sneak up behind you with matching mischievous expressions.

"What did you guys do?" you ask, gulping back some punch in preparation for whatever they're about to spring on you.

"There's someone we want you to meet," Emily grins as she reaches forward to loop her arm through yours.

"Oh, no way," you say, already shaking your head before they can elaborate. "You are not setting me up with some random bureau guy again."

"That was only one time," JJ pouts, before beckoning to the hallway across from the kitchen. You glance over her shoulder and spot Will standing with a man you've never seen before. "I had Will bring one of his single friends tonight. He's an architect, and he's super smart and super cute. Totally your type."

You raise an eyebrow as you inspect the man from across the room. He's definitely easy on the eyes, but he's also not your type. There's only one man who fits into that box.

"I don't know," you sigh, setting your glass down on the table behind you. "It's very sudden."

"C'mon," Emily urges, her eyes glinting with amusement. "It'll be good. Just talk and flirt a little, and if you're into it then you have a new year's kiss locked up!"

Kissing someone you just met in front of all of your colleagues sounds like nightmare fuel, but you can't think of another way to get your friends off your back. "Okay, fine, I'll meet him."

After leaving Jack with Henry and the other children, he heads back into the main section of the house, hoping to run into you. He doesn't know what he would say if he does, but anything is better than the avoidance game you've been playing.

He sees Penelope and JJ first, but you're not with them, so he continues forward, deftly stepping around throngs of people conversing in little pockets around the house.

"Hotch, over here!"

He whips around to find Derek, Will, and Dave waving him over to join them in the kitchen. He grabs a piece of cheese off a platter on his way over, and Derek pats him on the back when he reaches the three of them.

They return to their prior topic of conversation, and he tunes them out as his eyes dart around the room, still looking for you. He's about to give up when he spots the familiar hue of your hair down the hall. His lips curve up in a small smile as he watches you lean your head back with a big laugh that he swears he can hear even from all the way over here. He's about to excuse himself from the guys when a hand reaches out to gently touch your forearm, and you don't shake it off.

It's only then that he notices the man you're talking to, and how enamored he looks as you burst into another bout of laughter. Something that feels like ice settles in the pit of his stomach and he turns back to the guys just as they notice what he's been looking at.

"They seem to be hitting it off," Will grins, crossing his arms over his chest. "My friend's a good guy, and he mentioned wanting to meet her after they crossed paths at one of me and JJ's dinner parties."

He notices Dave glance at him out of the corner of his eye, but he can't bear to look at the older man, for fear that he'll give something away. Aaron feels the nauseating pit of jealousy in his stomach, but it's not fair. He pushed you away.

He turns away from you and tries to focus on literally anything else, but it's not long before he's unable to fight the urge to look at you from his spot in the kitchen. You can't see him watching you, and it gives him the obscurity he needs to observe you from afar, but it also makes it much more conspicuous to his friends.

You don't leave the company of Will's friend until much later in the night, and soon it's almost midnight. The countdown starts as everyone in the house lifts their glasses and latches onto their significant others.

"Ten, nine, eight..."

He's turning before he knows what he's doing. He can't help it, it's almost magnetic, the pull you have on him.

You're not looking at him, and he can only see your side profile as you glance up at the clock as it ticks down.

"Five, four, three, two..."

He turns away at the last second, unable to stomach the thought of you kissing someone else, but when the crowd erupts into cheers, he looks back to find that you're gone. His heart rates spikes and he pushes through people, ignoring the pats on his back as people wish him a "Happy new year".

He eventually spots you through the back windows, and he steps out into the frigid air to accompany you on the back porch steps. You're sitting on the top step, your bare arms wrapped around your body for some semblance of warmth, and for a moment, he can't move.

He can't decide if he should go to you or let you have the space you so clearly wanted, but then a voice in the back of his skull yells at him through all the noise. She's your best friend in the world. A few months ago, the answer would have been obvious.

A switch flips and he steps forward, sliding off his jacket and draping it over your shoulders. You let out a soft sigh as he sinks down next to you, and he watches as your eyes glisten in the lamplight.

You don't look at him as you press your elbows into your knees and rub a hand over your neck. "How did this get so fucked up?"

He sighs too, a heavy sound. "I don't know."

He's still looking at you, at the tears in your eyes, when you finally take a deep breath and turn to face him. A tear slips down your cheek and his brain fires off sparks again. I love you, I love you, I love you.

He wants to say it so badly, but then the newest factor in all of his confusion jumps back into the forefront. The Pakistan assignment. He has been trying to push it off, but he's getting so much pressure from the brass, and that's just one more thing he's hiding from you.

He breaks your eye contact and you let out a slow breath, almost like you felt him lose his nerve in real time. Without another word, you wipe the tears from your face and stand up, leaving him out in the cold once again.

***

The bureau gives you a week off at the start of the new year, but you can't enjoy any of your alone time. Every second you let your mind wander, your thoughts are invaded by the look on his face as he turned away from you.

You had seen it in his eyes out there, in the freezing cold air as the clock struck midnight. At least a small part of him felt for you the same way you felt for him. But it's not enough.

You've been alone for so many years. When you married Jeff, you were done. You didn't think you'd have to ever feel this kind of heartbreak again, but now that you feel that kind of love again, you refuse to settle for anything less than what you deserve. And what you deserve is someone who can show you how he feels.

Nevertheless, you can't control your subconscious.

That's why you're laying in bed at the end of the week, staring at your nightlight across the room and somehow managing to simultaneously miss him and hate him. It's well past midnight and you can't sleep, but you don't want to give in to the urge that's been tugging at your gut all night.

You're so angry with him, but he's also the only person you want to talk to when you're feeling anything you can't explain. It only takes another minute before you're giving in and snatching your phone off your bedside table.

It rings for a long time before he finally answers.

He whispers your name softly, his voice gravelly as though he just woke up. He sounds confused, but it has to mean something that he answered his phone at this hour.

"Are you okay?" Aaron asks, his voice still a bit gruff from the tiredness. "What's wrong?"

I miss you, you want to say. Instead, you panic and ask the first question that pops into your head: "Why do you think The Beatles broke up?"

The line goes silent for a moment before he sighs quietly. "Everyone blames Yoko but you know I think they just stopped working well together creatively."

"It was probably Lennon deciding to leave the band," you say, unsure where you're going with this. "Yeah, that makes the most sense."

"Maybe," he says, his voice a low hum.

There's no tinge of impatience or irritation in his tone, but you still feel awful for waking him up in the early hours of the morning to chat about a band.

You take a deep breath, trying to prepare yourself for what you're about to say, but the breath catches in your throat as a small sob escapes. "I'm so mad at you."

There's a pause on the other end of the line, before Aaron exhales sharply. "I know."

Your resolve fades almost immediately and you sink back into your pillows. "I'm not mad at you." He quietly huffs out a laugh, but you can tell his heart isn't in it. "I'm hurt, and yeah, I'm kind of mad at you, but the only person I want to talk to is you."

You can hear his breath stutter over the speaker, and he rears up to say something, before thinking better of it. "It's late, Y/N. You should go to bed."

"Yeah," you say eventually, rubbing tears of frustration from your eyes. "I'm sorry, yeah."

"No," he says quickly, his voice hurried as though he's afraid you'll hang up. "Don't apologize. I'm glad you called."

Your heart flutters pathetically. "Okay."

"Why were you up anyway?" he asks after a moment.

You shrug, even though he can't see you, wiping away the last remnants of your tears. "Couldn't sleep."

Something that sounds like a quiet chuckle floats into your ears. "Try turning off that massive nightlight."

Your eyes widen and you inadvertently glance over at the beacon of light plugged in across the room. "What nightlight?"

He hums again. "Goodnight, Y/N." I love you.

"Goodnight, Aaron." I love you too.

***

It started when Emily arrived late to the briefing. She was never late, so that itself was enough to set off your alarms, but then you noticed her fingers. She's biting her nails again.

Aaron finishes briefing you all about the two families murdered in house fires in the DC area, before you disperse and head back to your desks to read up about the evidence.

When you drop your bag down and sink into your chair, you don't miss how Spencer visibly flinches in his seat, his eyes twitching with exhaustion.

"Sorry, Spence," you say earnestly, turning to him with an anxious look. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," he answers quickly, his eyes darting back down to the case file. "I'm... I'm...I'm sure these victims overlap somehow. Garcia pulled their phone numbers, but so far I can't find anything."

You've been working with him long enough to notice when he's deflecting, especially when he's doing such a bad job of it. "Spencer, you just jumped."

He takes a deep breath and you're suddenly grateful that his shorter haircut allows you to get a better view of his expression, even with his head down. "I've been having these really intense headaches lately." "Have you seen a doctor?" you ask, sliding your chair in to get a better look at him. "Yeah, a few. None of them have been able to figure it out." "I'm sorry," you say genuinely as guilt and shame flood your veins. You've been so preoccupied with your own drama that you haven't been paying any attention to your friends. First Emily, and now Spencer. "Does anyone know?"

His lips press into an adorable line. "You." "I won't tell anyone," you assure him, your eyebrows scrunching down. "I'm glad you're telling me now." "I know," he nods. "I just didn't want you to worry."

"I won't make a big deal out of it," you tell him, your lips curving up in a playful smile, "if that's what you were worried about."

"Thanks," he mutters, but you can tell his heart isn't really in it.

It's been so long since you sat down and caught up with your teammates, and given how weird Emily has been acting, you figure it's about time.

"Have you noticed anything off with Emily?"

It's Penelope who comes to you first about the change in your teammate's disposition. You had clocked the small jab Emily had thrown at her after the briefing, but didn't want to intrude in case it was personal. You're starting to realize it might be a lot more personal than you originally thought.

"I have," you say simply, glancing back at her across the bullpen. Her head is down and her shoulders are hunched forward as she quickly types something out on her phone.

She waits for another moment before jolting upright and standing up. Before either of you can get a chance to ask what's wrong, she is jetting off to the bathroom.

"I got this one," you tell Penelope before strutting off to follow her.

She's looking at her phone again when the bathroom door shuts behind you, and you approach her slowly so as not to spook her. "Hey, I just wanted to check up on you. You sped out of there."

"I'm fine," she says, trying to brush away your worry with a wave of her hand.

You frown, taking a step forward. "Are you sure? I noticed you've been biting your-"

"Don't profile me, Y/N," she snaps, her head turning to level you with a glare that would have scared the shit out of you if you didn't know her so well. It doesn't last long though, and before you can get another word out, she's already apologizing. "I'm sorry. I-I'm gonna be alright. I promise. I'm just having this nightmare."

She details her dream to you, and the profiler in you can't help but relate it to her own lack of trust, but then she looks at you with a genuine smile and you just have to smile back.

"Somehow, you.." she pauses for a beat. "You always make me feel better. I don't think I've ever thanked you for that."

Her words feel so final, like she's saying goodbye, and a bolt of terror shoots through you before you decide you're being dramatic.

She's your friend. She's gonna be alright.

Emily's gone. She slipped out during Aaron's multi-agency task force briefing, and none of you noticed.

How could you not have noticed?

You're kicking yourself as Spencer pulls out a sheet of paper from one of Emily's contacts, with a list of undercover names all with the initials L.R.

"Prentiss is the last name on the list," Rossi deduces as you mentally check back into the conversation. Your eyes scan the board with the name 'Lauren Reynolds' written at the top. "That means she's on Doyle's list too."

"Guys," Aaron calls out from Emily's desk, holding up her things in his hands, "she left her badge and gun."

"Why would she do that?" Penelope asks, her voice small like a child's. "We're her family."

That's when you finally find your voice. "She ran to protect us." You turn to Aaron then, your eyes flashing over his like it's the first time you've ever really looked at him. "How do we find her?"

"We need to profile their behavior," he instructs, moving to the front board. "Doyle is our unsub and Prentiss is our victim. We treat it like any other case."

There's the small sound of a door opening and Aaron looks up, beckoning his chin to the back. "Because terrorism isn't an area we specialize in, I've reached out to an expert from the State Department...someone who can also shed light on Prentiss' past."

You whip around to the sight of a familiar head of blonde hair walking into the briefing room. The tension in your shoulders abates for a split second as gratitude cascades over you. God, you missed her.

JJ saunters forward and nods at each of you, her expression already rigid with concentration. "Let's get to work."

Profiling Emily takes you all to Boston, where the evidence from the previous victims adds up to the conclusion that Doyle is a family annihilator. When you also find out that he has a secret son, you and Derek lead the team to the warehouse where the son was last taken, in the hopes that Emily would have made the same connection.

The sound of a loud crash sends you running, but Derek is faster and he gets there before you. You enter the back room to find Emily bleeding out on the floor, a large wooden post stuck through her abdomen.

"I got her!" he yells into his comms before pressing his hands onto her wound. "Prentiss. It's me, I'm right here."

She mumbles something that sounds like his name and your chest floods with relief. You step out of the room to call for a medic, but when you get back, she isn't moving.

"Emily!" Derek yells as you sink to your knees beside him. Your pants are wet with her blood, and it feels like ice against your skin. How can there be so much blood in the human body?

"Come on," he pleads, tightening his grip on her hand. "Stay with me!"

"Emily, please," you whisper, your throat hoarse from the unshed tears. You press your fingers to her pulse. "Please."

The medics come eventually, and she is taken to the hospital, where the whole team is holed up in the waiting room. Spencer hasn't stopped pacing since she was taken into surgery and you can't seem to take your face out of your hands, even as people press comforting pats on your shoulders.

You don't notice anything going on around you until JJ comes back from speaking with the doctor with tears in her eyes. No, oh god no.

You barely register her words as she whispers, "She never made it off the table."

It's only then that you stand up. You're not sure what you're planning to do, but as soon as you try to move, your legs start shaking, like you're slipping in quicksand. Aaron steps towards you just as your body gives out and you collapse onto him, quiet sobs bubbling out of your throat.

"She was just here," you cry into his chest while you clutch his shirt as though your life depends on it. "How can she be gone?"

His hands rub comforting circles into your back as his arms tighten around you, keeping you upright, and you can't help but imagine that this picture looks vaguely reminiscent of his home last year when you held him up as he broke down.

Emily's gone.

You can't even remember why you were so angry with him before. Everything outside of this moment feels so trivial, like you've been wasting so much time. You need him now, and you're so thankful he's here to hold you up even though his pain is just as big as yours.

Aaron wraps himself tighter around you, fighting the tears that are rushing forward, because they just aren't fair. His whole team is falling apart in front of him, and he's one of two people here who knows the truth.

You choke out another sob and he tugs you upward, helping you stand again as you wipe the tears from your face. Out of the corner of his periphery, he sees JJ pull Spencer into a hug, and she meets his eye over the younger agent's shoulder. So much pain.

"What are we supposed to do now?" you ask suddenly, your voice so small he's sure he's the only person who can hear you. "How are we supposed to keep going?"

The familiar echoing emptiness of guilt swallows him whole and he sucks in a sharp breath in a futile effort to keep himself from drowning. Your glistening eyes are so wide with despair, and he pulls you back into his arms, mostly for comfort, but also because he can't stand to see you in pain for much longer. When he finally finds his voice, all that comes out is, "I don't know."

***

You can barely remember the funeral.

When you try to think about it, there are flashes of white gloves and red roses and rough, brown dirt, but the only thing that really sticks out is the pressure of Aaron's hand over yours as you stood in front of her casket while they lowered her into the ground.

So many funerals, so many gravestones. The eery familiarity that has made you numb to the loss, even as it threatens to tear you apart each time you let yourself think about her.

It has become a regular passage in the story of your life: meet someone new, learn to love again, and then lose them.

Tears prick your eyes as you settle into the stiff wooden chair in your kitchen. The team has been organizing impromptu get-togethers all month, mostly at the last minute and usually late at night. That's when the loneliness hits the hardest.

You figure you should be used to it by now. Deep down, you know it's not something anyone ever gets used to, but believing that the pain will abate is easier than realizing it'll always be there, buried in your bones.

The pain of your mother's death is still a phantom bruise under your skin, always there, but never at the forefront until you press hard enough. Losing Jeff was a whole other monster, hiding under your bed and within the confines of your mind, ready to pounce the moment you closed your eyes. Haley, on the other hand, was a fresh wound; sometimes, you still aren't sure that the gash has fully closed, but with time it has gotten easier to pretend that things aren't awful all the time.

You wipe a loose tear from your cheek as you check your phone messages and tidy up some of the plates from your table. Aaron came over last night, and you both sat in silence for a long time, until a photo of Emily on your computer brought you to tears again. He held you for hours as you shook in his arms, trying to keep yourself together, but ultimately failing.

The silver lining of his renewed presence in your life doesn't feel as sweet as it should, given the circumstances, but you'll take any win you can get. If nothing else, you missed the feel of his arms around you.

You flinch as the dishes clink together loudly when you set them in the sink, and you watch the water dribble from the faucet for a long time, pretending that all you see isn't her blood.

***

He doesn't know what to do. He wants to be there for you more than anything else in this world, but seeing you break down is like being stabbed all over again, only this time it's his own fault.

When you called last night, he couldn't stay away. He misses you like he's missing a limb, and even if he wanted to stop himself from seeing you, he knows he couldn't. Your grief has brought you back to him, but it feels wretched, even as he shoves aside his guilt for an evening to comfort you at this low.

He had lost count of the number of work-related things he had kept from Haley when they were married, but he always had the excuse that she didn't need to know. That her life would be better without the knowledge of all the horrors that circled them everyday.

He doesn't have the same excuse with you. You are well-acquainted with the tragedies that life brings, and if it was up to him, he would spill every secret he has ever hidden, because he loves you, and you're one of the last people in this world who still trusts him, and he's so scared that after this, he'll lose that too.

But he keeps his mouth shut. And when Garcia invites him to a get-together at your place, he politely declines, because if he knows you all have each other, then he can take one night off from the debilitating guilt he somehow still hasn't learned to shoulder after all these years.

***

"Come on in."

Spencer, Derek, and Penelope shuffle into your house, handing you bottles of wine and bags of assorted snacks, before plopping down on your couch and making themselves at home. They've been over so many times in the last few weeks that you figure it basically is their second home at this point, not that you mind.

None of you want to be alone, and that's why it works.

"What are we watching tonight?" Derek asks, his voice nonchalant, like it's just another movie night with your colleagues. He always starts the night acting like everything's fine, and it really irked you the first time he came over, until you realized it was a front that he just needed time to shed. "Didn't you say last time that you have the original Jaws DVD?"

"What if we watched The Empire Strike Back?" Spencer asks timidly from under a slew of blankets that Penelope has covered both of them with. His nightly ritual involves suggesting one of his favorite movies, even though it always gets immediately shot down.

Derek chuffs, snagging some of the blanket from off your lap. "Maybe another night, kid."

"I don't care what we watch," Penelope sighs as she pulls open a bag of popcorn and chucks a handful into her mouth, "as long as it isn't sad." That's her only request. Nothing sad, please. Your nightly ritual is like a practiced dance. Each of you playing your parts, reciting your lines the same way, keeping it familiar. Establishing a routine.

You stand up, taking your cue, and grab a random DVD from your cabinet. Ten minutes later, you're all watching The Empire Strikes Back, and Spencer cracks something that looks like a smile for the first time since before the funeral.

You watch the movie in silence, and when the credits roll, you watch the names scroll over the screen as you muster up the energy to find the remote. When you finally click the TV off, the silence feels suffocating, and you hear Penelope sniffle from next to you.

Throwing your arm around her shoulder, you all squish yourselves together, like the pressure will keep the emotions in.

After a long pause, Spencer is the first to speak. "It'll get better, right?"

"It has to," Derek sighs, his chin falling to his chest as he takes in a deep breath. You know him well enough to be able to translate his exasperation into anguish, even as he tries to hide it.

"It will get better." You glance around the couch at your friends - the people who have been here for you through all of it - and nod your head, choosing this moment to really believe it. "It will."

***

It doesn't.

A week later, you are storming into Aaron's apartment after he dropped Jack off to stay with Jess, your words already pouring out even before he can shut the door behind you.

"How could you take the assignment?"

Your tone is laced with malice, but he can still hear the hurt underneath.

"How could you leave us here after everything that happened?"

This time the pain is clearer. Your voice breaks at the end and he steps forward to do something, but you twist your body away.

His hands fall hopelessly back to his sides and he doesn't know how to explain this to you, when he can't even explain it to himself.

"Strauss left your brief in the conference room." Your words are stronger now, and he looks up, his eyes squinting with anticipation. "You've known about this since before the new year."

You're right. He's known about the prospect of this assignment for almost a year, and then after, when it became a real possibility, he still chose not to tell you. Maybe before, he had the excuse that you weren't speaking to him, but after Emily...he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

"Why wouldn't you tell us?" you ask, the anguish coming forward in full force. "We need you here. Jack needs you. I need you."

He needs you too. But he also needs to stop hurting you. And he can't see that happening while he's still here.

"I'm sorry," he whispers softly. I love you, I'm sorry.

You let out a sigh and your shoulders fall, like you've lost all of the fight within you. You look so defeated, and it feels worse than when you were yelling at him.

You're right here, but you feel so far away, like he's looking at you through tinted glass.

"Fine," you say after a beat. "Call me when you're leaving."

Your shoulder brushes his as you whip past him, and he doesn't muster up the courage to speak again until you're already gone.

***

The call comes soon. Too soon.

You meet him at his apartment, and Jack immediately gives you a hug before latching himself back onto his father. You don't know what Aaron told him, given how you don't even know how long he's going to be gone, but you can't imagine it was helpful to a six year old boy who only understands that his father is leaving for a long time.

"I called Jess to pick him up," Aaron explains in a hushed whisper as Jack runs out to get his shoes, "but she's busy until the afternoon."

"That's okay," you say, crossing your arms in front of you. It's a defensive maneuver that's about all you can muster up right now. "I can drop him off at her house after we get you out of here."

You try to say it lightly, but your tone sharpens at the end, making him flinch. You sigh, an apology in itself, because you're trying so hard to be supportive. You know you're mad at him - no matter how hard you try not to be - but this isn't the time to show your anger.

Jack comes back into the living room, and you usher the young boy out the door as Aaron lugs his duffel bags behind you and out to the car. The drive is mostly silent, and Jack doesn't say a word until you help him out of his carseat and onto the tarmac at the base.

"I'm gonna miss you, Daddy," he whispers, his little hands reaching up to grab his father's hand. "Come home soon."

Aaron picks him up and squeezes him in a big hug, before setting him back down on the ground. He looks at you then and you shrug, pressing your lips together. "What he said."

"I don't know how long this is going to take," he says, mostly directing his words at Jack, even though he keeps glancing at you out of the corner of his eye. "Probably a few months though."

A few months. That shouldn't feel as long as it does.

"Bye buddy," he says then, kneeling down to hug his son again. "Go sit in Y/N's car so I can talk to her about some grown up stuff for a minute."

Jack bounces back to where your car is parked, and you watch him get in before turning back to look at Aaron. There's a resoluteness in his expression that shouldn't surprise you, given how driven he is by his sense of duty, but it still catches you off guard.

"You'll be okay there?" you ask, needing to get that out of the way before the rest of it.

He nods, before inching his hand forward to brush against yours. It's a small gesture, but you're not ready yet.

"I'm still angry," you whisper, pulling your hand back slightly. "I don't want to be, because you're leaving, and I want you to have a clear head out there, but I can't help it."

"It's okay," he says softly, his brow furrowing.

"No," you sigh, shaking your head. Your throat is thickening with the threat of tears and you don't want to cry in front of him now either, but there are too many emotions swirling around your brain to keep any of them straight. "I'm not really mad, okay. I know you're trying to do the right thing, but she's gone, and the team is not okay right now, and I need to find a way to handle it on my own."

I can't do it by myself, you want to say. I'm in love with you and you're making it seem so easy to leave me here to shoulder the burden of everyone's grief.

"I'm sorry," he says again, his voice softer this time.

You're so much better than me, he thinks as he watches you stand so stoically before him. I love you and I can't bear to see you in pain when I'm part of the reason why.

"It's okay," you repeat after a beat. Then you reach forward and take his hand, like he tried to do earlier. His hand is warm and calloused, and it feels rough against your palm, but it grounds you, tethering you to this moment. "I'll see you when you get back."

He nods, before pulling you forward gently into a hug. Your chin tilts up to sit on his shoulder and he squeezes you to him once before letting you go.

When he lifts his bags and walks toward the loading ramp, Jack leaps out of the car and grabs your hand as you both wave goodbye.

He flashes you both one last smile before waving back and disappearing into the plane.

***

The first month is the easiest. You let the futile anger take over; let yourself pretend that you don't actually miss him.

Seeing Jack and Jess makes it less painful, and you slowly find yourself spending more time with them than at home. Jess tries to spend time with Jack at Aaron's apartment to help him maintain a stable environment, but with his father gone, it doesn't help you notice the absence less.

"He's not eating as much," Jess mentions to you one night after she puts him to bed and joins you out in the living room. At first, being at his place without him felt intrusive, but you've gotten used to being there. "He was picking at his food all through dinner."

"I noticed that," you agree as you pat the spot beside you on the couch. "I'm sure it's just a picky eating phase. Once he settles back into a routine with you it should be fine."

"With us," she corrects with a small smile. "I need all the help I can get, and I really appreciate you being here so often."

"Oh, honey, of course." You give her forearm a squeeze before grabbing both of your empty glasses from the table and taking them to the sink. "I was worried I was becoming more of a burden on you by being here so much, but I'm glad it's welcome company."

"Always," she says, tucking a loose curl behind her ear. You set the glasses down and turn back to see her staring at the tiny picture frame of her and Haley on her counter. "She always made it look so easy."

You nod, not wanting to interrupt her moment. After a beat, Jess releases a heavy sigh and shakes her head. "She was the perfect mother. If I can be half as good of a caretaker for Jack as she was, I'll know I'm doing something right."

You smile unconsciously, remembering a moment from years ago. "I swear Aaron said the exact same thing once. He was upset about leaving work late again when they first had Jack, and I had to assure him that he wouldn't miss every childhood milestone just because he had to work late once in a while."

He was so terrified of being anything like his father. You tried your best to show him how impossible that was, but those are the kinds of things people have to learn on their own.

Jess looks down, deep in thought, and your phone chimes then with a new message. It's from Derek: Hotch sat phone call, 15 mins

"Jess," you whisper, getting her attention again. "Aaron is scheduled to call us over the satellite phone in a little bit. I'm gonna go into the office to see if I can talk to him. Is there anything you want me to tell him?"

She thinks for a moment before shaking her head. "Just that Jack and I are doing well. And we miss him."

You nod and press a kiss to her cheek before grabbing your coat and driving over to the field office. The sky is dark by the time you arrive, and it feels foreign to walk into an empty bullpen. The team has shrunk so much since he left, and lately it's just been you, Spencer, Derek, Rossi, and Penelope around here.

You knock on Aaron's office door once before stepping inside.

"Sounds good," Derek is saying as you shut the door behind you. "Yeah, keep us updated." He sees you then and beckons you closer before turning back to the phone. "Y/N's here. I'll hand it to her."

You take the phone from him and tentatively press it to your ear. There's a slight buzzing sound and when he says "Hello?", his voice sounds far away.

"Hi," you say softly, turning your back to Derek for some semblance of privacy, but he has already pulled out his phone and started typing something. "How are you?"

"I'm okay," he says, sounding slightly distracted. "It's really busy over here. How are yo- you all doing? Jack and Jessica?"

"They're good," you tell him, hoping he can't hear the tightness in your voice over hearing his for the first time in weeks. "They really miss you. We all do."

"I miss you guys too."

You hear some muffled voices on the other end of the line, and you jump in with your questions before he gets called away. "Any updates I can ask about? Like when you'll be done."

"Not right now," he says with a sigh. "It's still need-to-know."

"Right," you whisper rigidly, even though it's not fair. He's trying his best, and he's doing what's right, but you keep punishing him. Because of your own feelings, your brain adds at the end.

"It's protocol," he says, even though you're both well aware of how this works.

"I know," you sigh, your fingers gripping the phone tightly. "I have to go back to Jess's."

"Y/N, wait-" he starts, but you are already handing the phone back to Derek.

He takes it uncertainly, but you just shake your head and exit the office.

***

"Did you watch the other movie I gave you?"

You whip your head around to look at Spencer, who is looking at you intently. You had been staring at Aaron's office door for the better part of the last hour.

You frown apologetically. "Not yet, Spence." He had loaned you his DVD of one of his favorite Star Wars movies, and each time you tried watching it, you were just reminded of the immediate aftermath of losing Emily. "I'll find time soon, though."

"That's okay," he shrugs as you inadvertently glance up at the door again. "I know it isn't everyone's thing. I just thought you seemed to enjoy the one we watched at the movie night."

"I did," you assure him, reaching out to pat his hand. "I promise I just haven't found time yet."

He smiles at you, and you return it before your eyes dart up to Aaron's office door at the sight of movement. A small, unrealistic part of you expects Aaron to emerge, but it's Derek instead. Derek took over his office a month after he left to Pakistan, because the secure line was already set up.

"He has a lot on his plate these days," Spencer says, drawing your attention back. He's watching Derek speak to someone at the top of the stairs, his forehead crinkled with stress.

"We're down quite a few hands," you nod, pursing your lips. "Maybe we can convince Derek to bring JJ back permanently."

Spencer lights up and you can't help but grin too. "We definitely should."

***

The cases start piling up, and you welcome the distraction as the passing months begin to weigh on you. The whole team has been under a lot of pressure from the brass, and Strauss has been hinting at a prolonged assignment in Pakistan that may take up even more of his time.

After a particularly grisly case, you invite Penelope over to unwind with some wine and chatting. It doesn't escape your notice that you're missing half of your usual girls' night attendees, but you keep the wine flowing, and soon you aren't focusing on anything other than the new guy Penelope met at her grocery store.

"He's so sweet," she gushes as she leans over the table to grab another chip. You're both sitting on the floor of your living room, and you reach out hastily to steady her glass as it gets precariously close to spilling over. "And I think it says a lot that he shops at such a high quality grocery store."

"Oh, absolutely," you nod, lifting your own glass in a mock salute. "You can tell a lot about a man by how he eats."

"Tell me about it," she sighs, her words starting to slur. Maybe opening the second bottle was too much. "I once dated a guy who only ate protein bars and steak."

Your face twists in disgust, and you set your glass down, feeling the rush of tipsiness hit you. "That's definitely not a balanced diet."

"I tried to tell him," Penelope says, before her face falls into a sad frown. "I really tried."

"Okay, okay," you say, trying to change the subject as her eyes fill with drunk tears. "Back to the grocery store man."

Her face breaks into a wide smile comically fast and you let out a high laugh. "He's so sweet. He really is just the sweetest guy."

"So I've heard," you grin, taking another sip of wine.

Turns out your last glass was one too many, because an hour later, after sending Penelope off in a cab and clearing away your dishes, you're still feeling the buzz from earlier.

Your face feels comfortably warm and you grab your phone from the counter, with the intention to call Emily, when you suddenly remember-

Your smile falls in an instant and tears are rushing forward before you can clearly form a coherent thought. You drop the phone and rush upstairs to take a hot shower to wind down and calm yourself, but even as the burning water washes over you, you still feel wound tight, like your emotions are trapped inside of you.

She was the first person you would always call after a tipsy night, and now she's gone.

Everybody's gone.

JJ, Emily, Aaron. Aaron.

A sob chokes out and you press your hand over your mouth, your body caving forward under the billowing steam fogging up the glass. You miss him so much, it's like you're not even yourself anymore.

You let out another soft sob as the water begins to calm you down, but you can still feel the echoing hollowness inside of you. You wish he was here, holding you, telling you it would all be okay. That you didn't ruin everything by pushing too hard, too fast. That you love him and he loves you, and it can all be perfect again.

"It'll be okay," his voice whispers from behind you, and suddenly he's there. Not really, but with your eyes closed and your mind still foggy, it almost feels real. "I'm sorry I left. I should've been here."

"You should be," you gasp out as his arms close around you from behind, holding you tightly under the soothing warmth of the water. "You left me."

"I know," he says, his breath tingling the sensitive spot behind your ear. "I'll never leave again. I promise."

"You promise," you whisper, mostly to yourself, as you turn around. His lips glide over your shoulder and up your neck, and suddenly his mouth is on yours.

You gasp as his hands slide down your body, his fingers gently caressing the sides of your breasts as he makes his way to your waist. His lips are so soft against yours and when his tongue runs along the seam of your mouth, you moan loudly, letting him swallow up the sounds.

He feels so real under your hands as you trace the jagged scars along his abdomen, and when his tongue glides down your-

You sit up with a gasp, your head pounding with the beginnings of an oncoming wine hangover. Your sheets are messily strewn around you, and your skin is sticky with sweat, but you can't bring yourself to get up. You take a large gulp of water from the glass on your nightstand and check the time: 3:02 AM.

Falling back with a huff, you run a hand over your face and fruitlessly try to sleep through the rest of the night.

***

Summer brings its own set of struggles.

The heat makes each case feel ten times longer than it already is, and with September fast approaching, Jack gets more and more antsy about starting school for the first time.

"He's been shut in his room all day," Jess sighs over the line as you make yourself coffee with your phone pressed between your shoulder and ear. "I think he's sad that he's starting school without either of his parents here."

Your heart breaks as you imagine Jack alone in his room, waiting and wishing for his dad to come back in time for his first day of school. Then an idea pops into your head.

"I think I know what to do."

An hour later, you, Jess, and Jack are waiting in line, under the beating sun, to get into the Smithsonian's zoo. Even tho you can already feel the sweat starting to drip down your back, Jack looks downright giddy, so you take the win.

When you finally get inside, he makes a beeline for the monkey exhibits, and you and Jess meander along behind him, chatting about her new side gig.

"I'm starting the part-time job in the fall," she explains as you stop behind Jack at the front of the chimpanzee enclosure. "It works out with the start of the school year, in case Aaron is gone for a while longer."

"That sounds great," you smile, giving her a small side squeeze. "You deserve something to take your mind off of everything too."

She shrugs, ever the neutral party, before looking at you with a smirk. "I hear there are some changes happening at the BAU as well?"

"Right!" you grin, following Jack to the next exhibit. "JJ was helping out temporarily, but she's officially back on the team. She also mentioned to me that she might be considering enrolling in profiler training so she can be a full-time field agent."

"Good for her," Jess smiles. "Lord knows you guys could use some extra manpower right now."

It's right then that your phone chirps with a text from Derek saying that Aaron is calling in again this afternoon. The urge to speak to him for the first time in weeks tugs at your gut, but then you glance over at Jack, who looks happy for the first time in just as long, and before you know it, you're typing back your response: Not today. Busy with Jack.

***

The next time Aaron calls in, you don't have an excuse.

You're at work, scribbling out the last few lines of your latest case report, when Derek tries to call you into his office. You haven't spoken to him in over a month, and he's asked for you each time he called, but still you refuse.

"Y/N, come on," Derek chuffs, running a hand over his face. "You know he wants to talk to you. He's by himself over there."

That's what gets you. By himself. As though you aren't alone too. As though you hadn't been completely fucking alone when, over the weekend, you found a pair of socks Emily must have forgotten at your place months ago, and had a full body breakdown on the floor of our foyer.

Each time you're close to forgetting that he left you here to fend for yourself, it comes back in full force, and right now, you would rather do just about anything other than put on a neutral face and ask him how he's doing over there.

"Next time," you say, hoping the finality comes across in your tone. It must have worked, because although Derek shakes his head disappointedly, he doesn't ask again.

When you go to Aaron's place after work to see Jack, Jess pulls you aside, a worried look on her face.

"We spoke to Aaron yesterday," she explains, her arms crossed over her chest. The bureau set up a secure line for them so she and Jack could speak to him periodically. "He seemed to be doing well."

"That's great," you say with a nod, unsure of why she's updating you when she thinks you spoke to him today. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, yeah," she says, waving away your concern. "I told him about Jack starting school in a few weeks, and about my new job. Then when I mentioned you - how you've been coming here a lot - he looked really happy that you were involved, but...he sounded off for the rest of the call."

Your shoulders tense up and you try to relax, so as not to give yourself away. "Damn Jess, they should make you a profiler."

She says your name sternly, and you can hear the Haley in her voice. "I'm serious. Have you guys not been speaking?"

"It's okay," you say, shaking your head. "I just need some more time, but I'll talk to him soon."

She twists her lips into a sad frown and you sigh, not knowing what to say, but she beats you to it. "He misses you...and I can tell you miss him."

You don't have an answer that she will want to hear, so you stick with the usual. "I'll talk to him next time."

***

"Do I have to go?"

Jack's bottom lip juts out in a sad pout as you adjust the straps of his little backpack on his shoulders.

"It's your first day of school, bud!" Jess is trying to sound excited, but you can hear the sadness in her voice too, now that she won't have Jack all hours of the day anymore. "It's an exciting time!"

"You got this, baby," you smile, pressing a loud kiss to the top of his head. "Your dad is so proud of you."

"Your mom would be too," Jess adds with a sad smile. "Now go on in, Jack. I'll be right here waiting for you when the last bell rings."

He considers this for a moment, before nodding. Then he looks at you. "What about you?"

"I have to work," you say softly, matching his pout and making him let out a small giggle. "But you can tell me all about your first day when I see you this weekend, okay?"

"Okay," he nods, before grabbing the straps of his backpack and marching toward the front door.

"There he goes," Jess says wistfully, linking her arm through yours.

You let out a small sigh before shooting her a smile. You love him so much, and you're so glad you get to be here as he grows up, but you're so sad that Haley is gone and he's missing out on this moment. "They grow up so fast."

***

The next time Aaron calls in, you're talking to Dave in his office about his latest cabin trip. He is filling you in on the species of fish that live in the lake behind his place when Derek walks in with the notification that Aaron is on the other end of the line in his office.

Dave nods, saying he'll speak with him at the end, and Derek almost skips over you until you follow him out the door.

"You sure?" he asks as you follow him up the stairs.

You nod, bracing yourself for the guilt as you pick up the sat phone. "Hello?"

"Morgan?" Aaron asks, his voice confused over the line.

"No," you say, shaking your head even though he can't see you. "It's me."

There's a moment of silence before he clears his throat. "Oh, I'm glad you could come in."

You say something that sounds like "of course" and suddenly he can hear his heartbeat in his ears. He hasn't heard from you in weeks, and even though he's probably coming home soon, he's so happy to hear your voice he could cry.

"Jess said you were there for Jack's first day," he says slowly, trying to find his voice. "Thank you for doing that. I know it's a lot before coming into work."

"It's not," you say genuinely, momentarily alleviating all of the anxiety he has been having around missing everything in his son's life. "He's the perfect kid. I'm lucky to be a part of his life."

He closes his eyes, wishing with every fiber of his being that he was there with you right now, and not thousands of miles away. "Thank you."

"Any time."

There's silence for a few moments before your breath stutters. "Do you know when you're coming back?"

His heart cracks at the soft sadness in your voice, but he still isn't allowed to share anything that is strictly need-to-know. "I don't."

Your breath catches in your throat and he hears the quiet sob as it breaks over the line. "I miss you, Aaron."

His fingers grip the phone so tightly he's afraid it may shatter in his hands, but there's nothing else tethering him to his life back home. This metal box is the one thing that is keeping him alive out here, and even though he left home so that he could stop lying to you, he's still doing it.

That's why he swallows thickly and says the one thing he knows isn't a lie: "I miss you too."

***

The team got called into the office for an emergency that no one has explained to any of you, and you take a seat in the briefing room as everyone else files in, matching looks of confusion all around you.

"Anyone know what we're doing here?" Dave asks as he leans back in his chair.

You're about to shrug when a figure walks into the room in a dark blue button down and an unfamiliar scruffy beard.

Your eyes widen and your breath leaves your body as you start to stand up, but then he motions for you all to take a seat, so you sink back down. He glances at everyone in the room before his eyes finally land on you. You can't believe he's here. That he knew he was coming back and still didn't tell you.

"What's going on?" Derek asks, breaking your eye contact with a jolt. "Everything all right?" Aaron ignores him. "Seven months ago, I made a decision that affected this team. As you all know, Emily had lost a lot of blood after her fight with Doyle."

You don't know why he's bringing this up again but then he continues. "The doctors were able to stabilize her and she was airlifted from Boston to Bethesda under covert exfiltration."

Your heart falls. No, there's no way. "Her identity was strictly need-to-know. And she stayed there until she was well enough to travel. She was reassigned to Paris where she was given several identities, none of which we had access to, for her security." Your teammates break their silence at the same time.

"She's alive?"

"But we buried her..."

You're still unable to suck in a big enough breath to regain the ability to speak, but then another figure walks in and you suddenly understand what people mean when they say their heart skips a beat.

"Oh my god," Penelope whispers from behind you as your feet unconsciously carry you forward and toward her. Toward Emily.

You pull her into your arms, relishing the feeling of your friend hugging you back after you thought you would never see her again. Her arms squeeze you tightly and you suck in a shuddering breath, trying to calm down your heart rate.

She's alive. Emily's alive. Aaron's back and Emily's alive.

The thoughts ping pong around your brain, fighting for dominance, but another one buried deeper in your mind floats to the surface, refusing to be ignored.

He lied.

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lotte22324 · 4 months ago

Text

A Night Out

Summary: This is inspired by Episode 4x9 "Pick-Up“. You guys know what I'm talking about, the one where they are trying to catch a pick-up artist who murders his victims and where that iconic bar scene happens with Spencer and the bartender, with the magic and all :) You are a part of the BAU and are assigned to the same club as Morgan and Reid, to find out if anyone knows the unsub. But Reid‘s miserable attempts at making conversation make you everything but focused on the task at hand. Leading to a confession and also a lil kiss (yk I am a sucker for a first kiss scenario!).

This is just basically fluffy all through, a bit of hurt/comfort :) This is for all the girlies who have kind of low self-esteem cause lets be honest, we all doubt ourselves once in a while. Also, this is most definitely not how in-ear monitoring works, honest to god, this just worked for the plot. So bare with me for potential technical inaccuracies :) TW.: Y/N is self-deprecating

You had flown into Atlanta two days ago, now you were sitting in the precinct with your team in front of a very poorly looking suspect picture.

„No one's gonna recognize this guy,“ you said helplessly.

„If you know him, then you’ll recognize him“ Rossi reassured you but you were still not very convinced.

„No matter, Morgan, Reid and y/l/n, go to Club 'Aqua‘ as normal agents, ask around, if anyone has seen anything important and warn people!“ said Hotch. "Emily, you already know what you have to do, as Morgen already so graciously pointed out earlier, the Pick-Up Artist is attracted to you“.

You felt a little sting after that comment. Even though you didn’t want to be found attractive by that arrogant narcissist, you still felt bad about not being seen the same way as Emily. Ohhh, this was so stupid, why did you care about that? Well, you were still living in a man‘s world where the opinion of men was apparently worth more than of others. It made you feel shame and guilt to think like that but you couldn’t help yourself, you wanted to get noticed by men as well, mostly just one man…but that didn’t matter right now. You glanced over to the man that had been haunting your nights and caught him staring back at you. He offered you an awkward smile but let his head fall as soon as you returned the smile. So that you both didn't notice the blush creeping up both your cheeks.

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Later that evening, you were all at the club, Emily and Jordan looking pretty at their table, while you, Morgan and Reid were questioning and warning visitors. Everyone was wearing a mic and earplugs. You were connected with one another over the in-ear monitoring radio, so you heard what the others were saying as long as you stayed on their frequency. It was kinda distracting but in a dangerous situation, it could save lives.

Having set the in-ear device on Emilys mic, you heard her and Jordan make fun of the pick-up artist you encountered earlier today. The female club-goers (and also a few male attendees) were eyeing him up and down. You were not convinced how the learned “charme skills” would work on anyone. Who would find a man attractive that belittled you so much? The weird trick with the "the camera really adds 10 pounds, doesn't it?“ just seemed douchey and would be an instant turn-off for you. You liked a gentleman, one that didn’t make you feel worth less than him, one with intelligence and maybe a bit of awkwardness. Who doesn’t like an awkward genius, you know?

Switching through the channels on your in-ear monitoring radio (totally not looking for Spencer's voice), you finally heard his rambling. Your favorite awkward genius was in the middle of explaining the situation to a group of women. After describing the man to them and showing a picture, he started rambling on about the dangers of night clubs: "When you think about the nature of serial crimes, it's amazing that there aren’t more predators in Night Clubs! I mean the excessive amounts of alcohol, countless opportunities for date rape drugs, not to mention surprisingly risky behaviour being persued. Alright, so who wants a flyer?“

Subtle, Spencer. Based on his confused look that you caught on his face, after looking for him in the crowd, nobody wanted one. Someone should have really taught him some social skills before letting him out to a club. You stifled a laugh after that interaction you just witnessed and continued on your path, asking around if anyone knew the unsub. After a few fruitless conversations, you found your way to Morgan and Reid to find out if they had gotten anything useful.

"So, how’s it going?“ asked Morgan, looking at you and Reid. But before you could give an answer, Spencer already started talking: "not good, I gave the profile to one woman, she asked if I was the unsub. How are you guys doing?“

Your brain stopped for a second, so did your feet. What did Spencer just say? You busted out laughing after his comment, just to get some weird side glances from other people around you.

"Why are you laughing?“ Spencer asked.

"I don’t know, maybe because your attempts at speaking with pretty women are hilarious?“ you pushed out while holding your belly from laughing too hard. That right there was comedy gold and Spencer didn’t even realize it. Instead, he turned red as a tomato, with a hint of hurt in his eyes and turned away from you, just to meet Morgan's amused look.

"So, how many phone numbers did you get?“ Spencer asked him.

"None, I'm working a case!“ Both you and Spencer raised your eyebrows in knowing suspicion, not believing a single word that left his lips.

"Fine, I’ve got four numbers offered but I didn’t take none!“ Morgan defended himself. You start laughing again. This time Morgan shot you a scolding look and you caught yourself again.

"Alright, lemme school you real quick. What you have to do with these ladies, just take control over the conversation. When you’re talking, what makes you feel like an expert?“

„Uhh, statistics!“

You couldn’t believe his answer. Statistics? For real? Spencer knew so little about striking up a conversation and you were still falling for him, head over heels. Well, he didn’t know that, but still, how did you fall for this man again? At the thought of him talking with an attractive woman in a club about statistics, out of all the topics he could have picked, you lost it again. You started laughing loudly and excused yourself as soon as you saw Morgan's annoyed look. Holding your laugh in, you stepped outside the club as fast as you could. As soon as you were outside, you laughed even more.

"You are aware that we can all hear you, y/n?“ said Emily, suddenly standing next to you outside and you slowly stopped.

You turned off your mic in response and took out your ear piece, not feeling the need to listen to more of Derek's “flirting lessons” for Spencer.

"I‘m sorry, it was just so fucking funny what Reid said“ you smirked, Emily smirking back.

"I know, I could barely keep my laughs to myself“ she confessed.

"He really doesn’t understand how normal conversations work, not to mention flirting“ you replied instantly.

"And he’s still got you wrapped around his finger“ she answered dryly, looking at you with an amused look.

"No, he doesn’t!“

"Suuureee, you do understand that even though I promised not to profile you all, I still subconsciously do. I see you stumbling over your words when he asks specifically you a question, I see your flustered face when he looks up from his desk just to look at you, I see your little reaching for his hand whenever something horrible happens. And that all concludes to just one outcome: you, my love, have a big fat crush on our Doctor.“ Emily deduced with a satisfying look on her face. She deduced it completely correctly, obviously, but you were still trying to deny it all.

"Yeeeahhh, sureee, you got me all figured out, Spencer isn’t even my type, Em!“ you answered a little too quickly, with not enough confidence to fool anyone, especially not a fellow profiler.

Emily's skeptical look, followed by an even more skeptical sound, made you look away from her and fumble with your bag.

Wait. You looked over to Prentiss' ear, her hair tucked behind it. You saw the wire entangled in her hair, she was still wearing her hidden mic and ear device. Oh no, no, no. Everybody who was on her in-ear monitoring radio just heard her little speech about your peculiar behavior around Reid. Hotchner definitely heard it since he was monitoring us. Reid might have heard that you had a crush on him. Not just a little, but a big, fat crush! Emily saw your panicked look and realized her own mistake too late.

"Fuck, I didn’t mean to-" she took her ear piece out.

Hurt and panicky, you cut her off, not allowing her to finish her probably half-assed apology: "you just told Hotchner that I like Spencer; you might have even told him. How am I supposed to look at them ever again?“ you asked frantically, turning red, holding your head in your hands the second that you do so.

"Guys! We might not have gotten any new leads but Spencer got a girls number, he actually flirted with a real woman!“ Morgan bursted out the club's door, smiling brightly and padding Reid proudly on his shoulder. Jordan was following them, clutching her arms, not knowing how cold it would be outside. Spencer walked behind Morgan, looking a little more accomplished than usual. Maybe they didn’t hear Emily's profile? Maybe they were too hyped up about Spencer's flirting abilities.

"Yeah, I,I used magic! And she actually liked it.“ Spencer added coyly, a blush emblazoned on his cheeks. You felt a sting in your heart. Of course, she liked the magic, Spencer was extremely charming when he was talking about the things he liked or did the things he was good at. He had shown you multiple magic tricks already which always made your heart flutter. But now, thinking of magic, your stomach turned. You weren’t the only one being charmed by magic Spencer. Of course you weren’t. You flashed him a smile but couldn't mask the hurt that was shining through your eyes.Him being so excited about another person made you sad. You felt Emily's sorry-look on you and shivered due to the low temperature. Nonetheless, you could not drive in a car with Spencer now. To be honest, you wanted to be as far away as possible from him.

"Uhm, I think, i‘m gonna walk to the hotel, I need to clear my head a little“ you said hastily, starting to walk in the right direction. Everyone looked confused but no one dared to question your choice. It was gonna be a nice 30 minute walk where you could get yourself together before having to face the others again. You might catch a cold but it was worth it.

"I’ll come with! You shouldn’t be walking the streets alone at night and I also, uhm, still need to get my steps in!“ Spencer hustled over to your side and started to walk with you. Great, amazing, this was exactly what you needed. You slumped your shoulders and pulled your lips into a thin line.

"Fine“ you answered, quickening your pace, not caring if Reid could keep up. He was the one that you wanted to get away from and now he was walking right beside you. For the next 30 minutes. You could curl up and die at the thought of that.

After walking a few minutes in silence, you started to slow down, admitting defeat that you wouldn’t get rid of him. His breathing slowed down, looking grateful, he never was the sportiest out of all of you.

"Sooo, what’s her name?“ you asked, uninterested.

"Whose name?“ Spencer seemed confused.

"The girl whose number you got?“

"Well, technically, I don’t have her number but she has mine and I told her that she could call me…. I don’t know her name either.“ Spencer answered honestly.

"It doesn’t matter, I am not interested in her anyways, I just wanted to know if Morgan‘s theory of controlling the conversation would be true. And, I guess, he was right. I was in my comfort zone, doing something I liked and she instantly felt attracted to that confidence“ he confessed.

You didn’t answer him, what should you say to that? Yeaaahhh, I like your confidence too! Whenever you do magic, I also find that super attractive. Oh and by the way, do you wanna go out with me instead of her? And also, when she calls, do you wanna casually give me the phone to tell her that he’s in a happy relationship and that she should back the fuck off? No. You would never say that and also, the other woman has done nothing wrong. Why are you so angry with her? He flirted with her, she simply flirted back, as one does. Being mad at her is senseless, it's better to be mad at Spencer and yourself. I mean, who were you kidding? Spencer Reid would never fall for you, you are so deep in the friendzone, he probably does not even see you as a real woman.

"Did you get any numbers offered to you in the club?“ Spencer asked, pulling you out of your self-pitying thoughts.

"No, I don’t usually get numbers just handed out to me“ you answered sarcastically but truthfully.

"Why not?“ Spencer furrowed his eyebrows.

"Cause, I don’t usually get hit on, you know. People need to get to know me before asking me out, my looks alone simply don’t cut it.“ you admitted, shrugging your shoulders. You turned around the next street corner, blinded by the suddenly very bright street lamps but kept on walking. Spencer grabbed your wrist and made you stop in an instant.

You turned your head irritated: "What is it?“

"That can’t be true.“

"What can’t be true?“ you asked, still irritated by his grip around your arm but not taking any action against it.

"That people don’t ask you out all the time just when they see you. You’re, You’re beautiful.“

Your face turned a crimson red color and you looked down onto the pavement.

"Well thank you, Doctor Reid, but you might be the only one who thinks so…“ you said out loud, without thinking about it first. You shook off his hand and kept on walking, wanting to leave this conversation behind you.

"Come on, we do wanna get back at some point, ay?“ you asked him, a smile playing on your lips. Spencer's shocked look turns into a smile as soon as he sees yours.

"Okay, but just for the record, I am very sure that everyone thinks that you are beautiful, inside and out!“ Spencer reassured his view but you didn't believe him, as always when someone complimented you.

Walking side by side, you finally decided to change the topic and asked about the last book he read. Instantly, his eyes shined bright and he started rambling on about this book that you’ve never heard about. Although his mouth and his right hand were moving enthusiastically, his hand closest to you stayed on his side. In the next ten minutes, he inched closer and closer to you., at least it seemed like it. With every millimeter that he won, you didn't back away. You wanted him to get closer, god, if you had the choice, he would be as close as humanly possible at all times to you. You let your hands fall out of your coat pockets, dangerously close to his. They graze lightly. He kept on talking about the main character and his complicated love interest. Your hands graze again. You tried to keep calm, listen to his explanation of the story. They touch again, this time longer. You instinctively held out your pinky, your body yearning for his touch. It touched the back of his hand, slowly making its way down. Spencer mirrored your movement, your pinkies finally interlocking. You held your breath, fearing that any change would destroy this fragile image. Both of you kept on walking, he kept on talking.

"Y/n? Are you even listening?“ Spencer asked hesitantly, his voice a little shakier than usual.

"Yeah, sure I am! You were talking about Flavio and his little girlfriend, uhm, Adriana?“ you answered him, completely aware that you were, in fact, not listening to him.

"Arianne. It almost seems like you just wanted to get me talking, so you wouldn’t have to,“ his jawline tensed up but he didn't let go of your pinky.

"I-I, that might have been my plan.“ you defeatedly answered him. But before he could answer you back, you were standing in front of the hotel.

"There you guys are, finally, I was already afraid that you got lost!“ Morgan said, pushing himself off of the car he was leaning on. You let go in an instant of Spencer's pinky and took a step to the side, not realizing how close you were standing.

"Yeah no, our doctor over here is just not the fastest, even though he has such long legs!“ you laughed, Morgan flashing you a signature smile.

"Come on, let's get some sleep, tomorrow will probably be a long day again.“ Morgan yawned and started walking towards the entrance of the hotel. Both, you and Reid, followed him and started to walk up to your rooms. Stepping into the elevator, Morgan had to get to the third floor, you and Reid to the fifth. As soon as the elevator dinged on the third, Morgan waved tiredly and wished you both a good night. The ride up was quiet but the tension between you two seemed to thicken. You stepped out of the elevator awkwardly, Spencer following you sheepishly.

"I have to go to the right,“ he said, looking down onto his hands.

"Oh, I have to go left“ you answered, the disappointment in your voice clear, you never were the best at keeping your emotions hidden.

Spencer looked up at you, opening and closing his mouth, as if he wanted to say something but didn’t know how. You gave him a smile: "alright, good night then.“

You turned around and started walking towards your room when a sentence dropped from Spencer's lips that made you stop in your tracks.

"Was Emily right?“

You turned around to find him walking towards you, in the opposite direction of his room. You gulped. Your eyes shifted panicky, trying to find the right answer to that question. You could simply lie, say that she was wrong, profilers do get things wrong sometimes.

But you felt yourself opening your mouth: "yes, Spencer, she was right.“ you looked down onto the floor, your stomach full with knots.

"But that doesn’t have to change anything between us, you know, I know you don’t like me like that and I will get over this, easily!“ you blabbered. Yeeeeahhhh, sureee, that is gonna be super easy. You don’t believe your own words, knowing the feelings that you have for this man. It’s like nothing you ever felt before, it feels like whenever he looks at you, the world stops for a second. But he doesn’t need to know that, as far as he is concerned, it's just a little work crush.

"What if I don’t want you to get over it?“

The world actually stopped or at least it felt like it again. You drew your eyes up and met his gaze. He looked completely serious, he was not fucking with you right now?

"What do you mean, Spencer?“ you asked hesitantly.

"Well, y/n, as Emily put it so nicely: I have a big, fat crush on you too.“ Spencer timidly smiled at you, ears turning red, stepping closer.

"Or why would you think that I was trying to hold your hand the whole damn way here?“ he confessed, holding his hand out to yours. You followed his movement and took his hand, this time with more clear intention, and interlocked your fingers together. You couldn't fight the smile creeping up your face, neither could he. His other hand moved up and hesitantly touched your cheek. Your eyes shifted up and down, from his brown eyes to his pink lips. He fully stared at your mouth, not concealing his clear want at all, making you chuckle slightly.

"What’s so funny?“ he asked, his voice quiet and distracted.

"You can’t stop staring, can you?“ you blushed, surprised by the boldness of your claim.

"Nope.“

And that’s all it took for you to lean over and place your lips on his. For Spencer, it felt like the world was stopping. It was a shy kiss but you both slowly found a rhythm. Your hands found their way to his neck, his hands fell down and started pulling you closer by your hips. After a few moments, you had to stop, trying to catch your breath. The stupid smiles that painted both of your faces made both of you laugh.

"You know, y/n, I can never stop staring. Whenever I ask you a question, whenever you look up from your desk and especially whenever you hold my hand.“ Spencer confessed, his smile and his words making you blush, for the 100th time tonight. Instead of answering, you simply pulled him into a tight embrace that he happily reciprocated. You sighed heavily, the tension of today falling off, feeling safe in his arms.

#criminal minds #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid #dr spencer reid #hurt/comfort #fluff #spencer reid hurt/comfort #matthew gray gubler #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid x self insert #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fanfiction #criminal minds fanfiction

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greg-montgomery · 1 year ago

Note

i saw your post about jealous!hotch, so I was wondering if you can write something where there isn't an established relationship between hotch and bau!reader (yet ;))), the reader is a huge fan of an actor/character (kind of like how we, hotch girls, fangirl over Aaron 🤭) and Hotch got jealous whenever he hears her talks about the actor/character and then the reader was wondering why he's acting unusual, (like he would mutter something to himself like how he's much better than the man the reader talks about but they don't hear it, or he's suddenly not in a mood, etc.) and the team knows why he's acting unusual (he's jealous) and they're entertained watching the both of them be oblivious, and hotch kind of slipped or something that revealed his feelings for the reader🤭 if you can't write it, then it's okay!! feel free to change anything however you want<33

hehe what if aaron was jealous of thomas gibson himself 🤭🤭🤭

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

“I am definitely taller than him.”

“What was that, Hotch?” you asked, after hearing him mumble something under his breath.

“Nothing,” he said more clearly this time. “Go back to your very important conversation with Garcia. The meeting doesn’t start until ten, so you have plenty of time.”

“Thank you,” you answered with a smile, pretending you didn’t notice his sarcasm.

“So he’s tall and respectful? What else would a girl need?” Penelope swooned, picking up from where you two had left off.

“I’m telling you! Penny, I swear…Greg is my dream man.”

You had turned your spinning chair to the side so you could face Garcia, and missed the way Aaron rolled his eyes at your words.

“And they got married the day they met?” she asked, her hand on her chest.

“Yes! It’s so romantic. And don’t even get me started about all the physical touch. It’s definitely his love language.”

“Ugh…He sounds perfect.”

“He is.”

“So are you gonna show me how he looks like?”

“Right!” you exclaimed. “I have a whole album of pictures of him. Wait.”

You pulled out your phone and found a screenshot from the episode of “Dharma & Greg” you were watching the night before. “That’s my baby.”

Aaron should be feeling lucky you were still turned to the side and couldn’t see the way he was desperately trying to take a peek at your phone.

“Oh,” Penelope said. But it wasn’t the kind of ‘oh’ you were expecting.

“What?” you asked disappointed. “Don’t tell me he isn’t hot. He’s literally a doll.”

“No, I…” she said. She seemed startled. “He is…um…really good looking. But…Y/N…Do you not notice something in particular about him?”

“Like what?”

“Tall. Dark hair. Dark eyes. Cheekbones.”

“Yeah, like I said: my dream man,” you simply said, unable to understand where she was going with this.

“He’s not all that.”

That was Aaron.

“How would you know?” you were quick to ask him.

“I googled this Thomas Gibson guy who played Greg,” he said, acting casual. “He’s average at best.”

“He is not average,” you defended him.

“I can’t tell which one of you is more stupid,” Penelope said softly, mostly to herself.

“What?” you both replied at the same time.

She shook her head. “Nothing. I just remembered…I have to go make a phone call.”

Once you were left alone with your boss you crossed your arms against your chest and furrowed your brows. “Average…”

“He’s just some guy.”

“He’s not. He’s the most handsome man in the world,” you said.

“Sure.”

At his last word, you got up from your seat and walked so you could stand right in front of him with a smirk.

“What?”

“You sound almost jealous of him.”

“Why would I be jealous of him?”

“I don’t know, Hotch,” you replied, your smirk getting even wider. “Why would you?”

He stared at the picture of your celebrity crush he had previously googled. “He has nothing I should be jealous of. I mean my hair is better, and I’m pretty sure I’m taller.”

“I knew that was what you said earlier!”

“Shut up.”

You giggled and tilted your head looking at him. The way he said those two words almost reminded you of Greg.

“You kind of look like him.”

“I don’t see it,” he said, taking a glance at his phone again.

“I think I do.” You smiled softly.

Maybe your dream man was your grumpy, stubborn, and very very adorable boss after all.

#aaron hotchner #hotch #aaron hotchner x reader #hotch x reader #hotch 🪐#ask

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snixkers · 5 months ago

Text

Bailed Out

Pairing: Elle Greenaway × Fem!Reader

Fluff/Minor Angst

For: requst by @lez-talk1 and @imagining-in-the-margins Pride Challenge!!!

Content Warnings: Cursing, internalized homophobia/biphobia, canon level violence, no physical descriptors

Summary: Elle has a crush on you. Elle doesn't want to.

Author's Note: Gotta get my sapphic representation innnnn for Elle. Also, whoever requested this, I'm so sorry, it was lost in the comments. Enjoy!!!

Feedback is always welcome!

Requests are OPEN!

Elle Greenaway knew she was fucked.

She had been held hostage, shot, traumatized, and more in her years at the BAU. But by far, the worst thing was her crush on you.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with you. Your smile lit up a room, and your confidence made her feel better by association. But when she realized that the feelings were more than just a like, she began to realize some things about herself.

She had a crush on a girl. And she was a girl. Did that make her a lesbian? She wasn't big on labels, but it didn't make sense. She could flirt with men, find them attractive, be interested in them romantically. Could she do both?

Something about saying that she liked girls was scary. Not that she cared if other people did, but it was herself. She liked girls.

Maybe she was just jealous and dealing with issues after the Fisher King.

Easier to do that than actually mention anything to you.

Which worked well for a couple months, until those feelings started to get stronger. It was no longer that she liked a girl, she was in love with a girl. Which was a whole new can of worms she was not opening.

Every single time you two would get paired up on a case, she would stare longingly at you to the point where Hotch offered time off because he believed she was disassociating.

It was a stupid little crush, and it was getting out of hand. She had to do something about it sooner rather than later.

Elle, headstrong and unable to tackle her emotions properly, walked up to you after the majority of people had gone home and tapped on your back.

"Hey, can we talk?"

You spun around, and it nearly knocked her on her ass just how much you made her day better. All her previous ideas about asking you out or maybe accusing you of some type of witchcraft immediately dissipated.

"Um, do you need more coffee?"

You shook your head, putting in your headphones and turning back to your computer.

"All set."

"Yeah, no problem. Sorry for bothering you."

So Elle Greenaway, who had stared down killers and rapists, fled back to her desk with her tail between her legs.

The second time she tried to ask you out, it was during a movie that Garcia and Reid had dragged everyone along to. The seats were scattered for convenience, and some sick deity* had placed the two of you together.

*Garcia

She spent the entire movie nervously fidgeting, considering asking for another bathroom break before realizing you might think three meant she was having a medical episode.

So she sucked it up, basking in your sweet perfume and the high of sitting next to you. During the credits, you were both getting up when some sick deity** forced her to bump into you. You held onto her arms to steady yourself, and Elle did something incredibly stupid.

**not Garcia

She leaned forward and kissed you before promptly turning around and walking out of the theater.

The next week was tense and uncomfortable, but she made sure there wasn't any chance of another one-on-one.

She didn't try to ask you out a third time. After the movie theater disaster, why should she?

Clearly it wasn't meant to be. She had enough emotional baggage to fill the overhead bins of the BAU jet. It would be better to forget about the whole thing.

But you had different plans.

After a week of avoidance, you walked up to her desk with a purpose, and she immediately panicked. Before she could apologize profusely (since when did she apologize?), you had kissed her.

Oh.

"There, now we're even. But if you want to do me a favor, you could come get dinner with me tonight."

Oh.

"Um, sounds great. I'll just, uh, get my stuff."

Now she sounded like Reid. Dammit. She watched you walk away with a satisfied smile, sighing to herself.

Elle Greenaway liked girls. She liked you. She was getting used to it, but she could definitely get used to you.

#criminal minds #criminal minds fandom #criminal minds fanfiction #writers on tumblr #fanfic #reqs open #elle greenaway #elle greenaway x reader #wlw #pride challenge #mentioningmargins

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babymetaldoll · 1 year ago

Text

"Embarrassed" (Spencer Reid x fem!bau reader)

Category: hardcore fluff, friends to lovers. Warnings: Cursing, Spencer being a little asshole, the BAU being nosy as usual. Summary: Spencer embarrassed himself in front of reader, and the annual FBI beach trip could be the perfect place to make things even more awkward between them. Requested: Nop A/N: I wrote this for @imagining-in-the-margins Summer Challenge, hope you guys enjoy it. Prompts used: - He has a degree in engineering. How can he be defeated by a sandcastle? - I don't really like the beach... Sandy food, pink skin, limited and unengaging topography, but mostly drug-resistant bacteria spread by seagull feces. - It's like Hotch at the beach- - Next summer we are doing the Alaskan cruise. Masterlist

- “Explain to me again why I have to spend time with you during the weekend when we just spent eleven days working on a case in Oakland?”- Rossi asked as the entire BAU Team walked into a beautiful cabin by the sea, prepared especially for them.

- “Because we have to do the team training, along with all the paperwork it includes. But at least we have a nice view.”- Hotch explained, opening a window, staring at the deep blue ocean in front of them.

- “For once, I’m glad we have to do this stupid program.”- Morgan commented and took off his shirt. - “Sand, sun, and babes, that’s all I need to enjoy my weekend.”

- “We have to get ready for Strauss lecture.”- (Y/N) pointed out and tossed his shirt back- “Please, put this back on. I don’t wanna see your tits around the house.”

Spencer chuckled at those words and Morgan turned to him immediately.

- “What are you laughing about, pretty Ricky? Are there other tits you wanna see around the house?”- Morgan teased his friends, who turned blood red in a minute, coughed, and walked away, to hide in a room, slamming the door behind his back. (Y/N) raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms on her chest.

- “You love making him feel uncomfortable, don’t you?”

- “Come on! We all know he has the hots for you, little Mama. When are you going to do something about it?”

- “He is my friend, with a capital F.”

- “You could be doing the capital F if you stopped being so stubborn.”- Morgan replied and turned around. He knew he had crossed the line and didn’t want to give (Y/N) the chance to smack him for being nosy.

Yes, everybody knew Spencer was in love with (Y/N). It wasn’t really a secret after he blurted it out by accident on a supermarket mic during a case investigation in front of the whole team. The entire incident was way too embarrassing to even recall, and the BAU had pretended it never happened. Everybody except Morgan, of course. He loved teasing Spencer every chance he got. The whole episode had been messy, and though it had been a few weeks already, (Y/N) still didn’t have a chance to talk with Spencer about it, and he kept acting like it never happened. That weekend’s Team Training Program at the beach was the perfect chance to fix things between them.

If only Spencer dared talk to her first.

Around half an hour later, a very unhappy team walked out of their cabin, ready to deal with whichever activities Strauss and headquarters had planned for them. The FBI had rented an entire villa for the weekend, to host their annual team training program. Rossi hated the idea, Spencer hated the beach. Hotch hated the fact he was wasting time he could be spending with Jake. JJ hated missing Henry’s soccer game, Garcia hated having to work out so much, and Prentiss hated the fact she couldn’t just lay on a chair at the beach with a drink and just tan a little.

(Y/N) and Morgan were the only ones excited to be there. Morgan still thought he could get a girl, and (Y/N) just wanted to spend a little time with Spencer, and maybe ask him out on a date. After all, a weekend at the beach was the perfect scenario to finally talk about what happened and maybe do something about it.

- “Beach activities are a great way to bring a team together.”- Strauss announced as she walked in front of at least 50 FBI agents. All of them, BAU included, wore dark blue short sleeve shirts with the FBI logo, and grey shorts. Everybody except Rossi, of course. He stood among them smoking a cigar and wearing his everyday outfit.

- “All the team-building games you are about to go through, were designed to promote communication, cooperation, and creativity. They will help our agents build trust, learn to delegate tasks, and enhance problem-solving skills.”

- “Sounds like a boy scout’s speech”- Rossi whispered to Prentiss and she did her best not to chuckle. But of course, Strauss noticed and immediately raised an eyebrow in disapproval.

- “You’ve all been designated with a number, that’s your team. Please form your teams so we can start the first activity.”

(Y/N) sighed, already annoyed. She understood the idea of having to go through a team seminar to improve one’s relationship with their team, but having to know other agents and talk with strangers… wasn’t really into her plans.

- “Hey….”- Spencer whispered as he stood next to her in the middle of the beach, right next to a bunch of agents neither of them had met before.- “I… I think we are on the… same team.”- Reid managed to say, and continued staring at his feet in the sand.

- “That��s great!!”- (Y/N) replied, maybe a little bit too enthusiastically. - “We haven’t… it’s been… well, we haven’t had the chance to talk much lately.”- she knew why they hadn’t talked. It was weird. Still, neither of them had addressed the pink elephant in the room, he just nodded and didn’t say another word for a few minutes.

- “Did you put on sunscreen?”- she asked and Spencer turned to look at her with wide-opened eyes.

- “Ye... yes, yes, I did. I always do”- he stuttered and started rambling right away- “Did you know daily use of SPF 15 sunscreen can reduce your risk of developing squamous cell carcinoma by about 40 percent? and lower your melanoma risk by 50 percent.”

- “Yes, I try to put on sunscreen daily as well, but I usually forget.”- (Y/N) added ‘cos she needed to make that conversation last at least longer than a minute. It was ridiculous, Spencer not even being able to look her in the eyes only because he had accidentally said he loved her in front of a whole crime scene, Nebraska’s police force, and the whole BAU team. Even Garcia.

- “Anyway”- (Y/N) said when she noticed Spencer wasn’t saying anything - “Are you enjoying the trip?”

He stared at her and licked his lips - nearly giving her a heart attack - as he tried his best to find actual words to reply to that question.

- "I don't really like the beach…”- he finally mumbled- “Sandy food, pink skin, limited and unengaging topography, but mostly drug-resistant bacteria spread by seagull feces.”

- “Oh…”- (Y/N) sounded disappointed, and neither of them said another word. Their new team gathered around them, and the instructions for the first activity were delivered.

The first team training activity was a beach scavenger hunt. Hotch’s team won ‘cos he was the team leader and… well, he is the best leader in the FBI. Spencer and (Y/N) tried their best, but their group was having serious trouble focusing. Apparently, no one wanted to spend the day at the beach working.

The second team training activity was a beach obstacle course. Morgan’s team won, basically ‘cos most of the agents in his team were pure muscle. Spencer was incredibly embarrassed to even do the circuit, ‘cos he felt self-aware of every one of his moments and that everybody was looking at him. And he ended up tripping on his own feet. Just when he thought he couldn’t embarrass himself more, there he was, face into the sand, hearing the entire FBI laughing at him.

Rossi looked at Morgan and shook his head. The kid needed help. But how?

- “Are you ok?” (Y/N) whispered when Spencer reached her side and he just nodded. - “Your ankle, does it hurt?”- she was honestly worried, but he felt so humiliated he wanted to disappear. So he did, he didn’t even answer her question and walked away. Rossi looked at the scene from a distance and headed to (Y/N)’s side in a few minutes.

- “How is the beach treating you, bella?”

- “I’m hating every minute here so far”- she replied and followed Spencer with her eyes until he got lost between all the people. Rossi noticed, he knew what was torturing her and though they hadn’t ever talked about it, it was clear he had to help those kids.

- “Come on, ragazza. You know he is crazy for you. We all do. You just have to tell him how you feel.”

- “I’m trying, Coronel Cannelloni! but he doesn’t even talk to me. The few things he has mumbled today are the only things he has said to me since “the incident,” and I don’t know what to do!”

- “He is embarrassed.”- Rossi pointed out the obvious and completely ignored the nickname (Y/N) had called him. She usually called him different nicknames just for the fun of it.

- “Well I understand that, but if I already know he loves me…”

- “Embarrass yourself now.”- Rossi suggested and the young woman just stared at him in silence. - “I mean it. Meet him in the middle. You already know he loves you, what’s the worst that could happen?”

- “You know, something bad happens every time someone asks that, right?”- Rossi chuckled at those words and shook his head.

- “It can’t get worse than him stuttering every time he sees you.”

- “I’m sure it can.”

Morgan found Spencer standing against a wall, on the other side of the main building of the complex. His eyes were closed as well as his fists, that he kept hitting against the bricks, over and over again.

- “Hey kid.”

- “Please, not now.”- Derek didn’t say another word for a few minutes. He just stood next to his friends and waited for his tantrum to pass.

- “You know Reid, that woman there loves you. Why don’t…”- and at those words, Spencer just snapped and started yelling.

- “She doesn’t! I don’t know if you remember but I had a little incident the other day with a fucking mic in the middle of a supermarket and everybody heard me telling Garcia how in love I am with (Y/N) and she has acted like nothing happened ever since!”

- “Kid”- Morgan frowned and stood in front of Spencer, holding his arms, trying to calm him down and talk some sense into him. - “You’ve been giving her the cold shoulder every time she tries to talk to you. Don’t blame this on her!”

- “Cold shoulder?! Me? To her? When?”- Spencer chuckled sarcastically

- “Dude, a minute ago she was talking to you and you left her alone in the sand.”

Morgan was right, and Spencer knew it, but he wasn’t going to give him the pleasure of saying it. However, Morgan didn’t sugarcoat things either.

- “And let me tell you one more thing, I saw how the guys from National Security in your team were eying her, and you just left her alone with those assholes after being a jerk. It doesn’t look good. How are you gonna fix it, pretty Ricky?”

Spencer opened his mouth, followed by a long awkward silence.

- “Thought so.”- Morgan sighed, and tapped on his friend’s shoulder - “Come on, let’s go back, and try to talk to her like you did before the incident.”

- “Awkwardly and clueless?”- Spencer whispered, and Derek just chuckled.

- “Just be yourself.”

- “That’s lousy advice, I don’t know how to be anyone else.”- Reid frowned and looked at his friend, who was nearly losing his patience.

- “Just don’t be your asshole self.”

The third and last activity of the day was a sandcastle-building contest. And doing his best to overcome his embarrassment and nervousness, Spencer grabbed a plastic shovel and asked (Y/N) if she wanted to help him with a part of their team construction. His hands were nearly shaking as she kneeled next to him on the sand and started working on their team’s design.

- “How did it go with the kid?”- Rossi asked Morgan, as neither of them even tried to pretend to be into the activity.

- “He is in denial. He swears she doesn’t even like him. What did she say?”

- “The kid is ignoring her and she doesn’t know what to do. So I told her to embarrass herself as much as he embarrassed himself.”- Morgan turned to Rossi and raised an eyebrow behind his sunglasses - “What?”

- “Rossi, that's shitty advice. Next time try something like: “Kiss the goddamn fool!” or something like that! I mean, the kid is hopeless and if (Y/N) doesn’t do anything, they are never going to get together.”

- “Give them some credit, Morgan.”- Rossi regretted his words as soon as they left his lips. Spencer was so nervous as he tried to talk with (Y/N) he gesticulated too much and hit part of his castle, causing half of it to crumble down.

- “He has a degree in engineering. How can he be defeated by a sandcastle?”- Rossi whispered and Derek shook his head. The whole scene was embarrassing to watch.

- “And your great advice was “embarrass yourself.” Jesus! I’m gonna have to ask Garcia to hack the system and move them into the same room. This is painful to watch!”

- “Like Hotch at the beach”- Ross pointed out - “He is so sunburned and he keeps getting redder, no matter how much sunscreen he puts on.”

If you asked anyone at the FBI about how the first day of their annual Team Training Program went, they would say it had been a mess. Most agents were sunburned and exhausted after Strauss’ program. Only Morgan and Garcia still felt like going out for dinner and maybe hitting the club, hoping to have some fun that weekend.

Spencer was alone, sitting on the sand in front of the sea. The sun was setting and he just sat there, on his own, doing his best to clear his mind and come up with a plan. But instead, he had nothing but regret. He kept remembering his worst and most embarrassing moments of the day in front of (Y/N) over and over again. It was a bad movie he’d pay not to watch ever again.

- “There you are!” - Prentiss sat next to Spencer and sighed, staring at the scene in front of them.

- “This is beautiful.”- she whispered and Spencer merely nodded. - “Why aren’t you watching this with (Y/N)?”- instead of an answer, Reid just groaned and rested his forehead on his knees, closing his eyes.

- “I’m guessing you didn’t have a chance to talk today.”- Prentiss whispered, knowing very well what had happened. Not like Morgan and Rossi could keep a secret. - “Come on, Reid, you are a fucking genius! Grow a pair and get your shit together”

- “What am I supposed to do? Honestly, ‘cos I’ve tried, but I just… can’t fucking think when she is next to me.”

- “Then don’t think, just act!”- Prentiss nearly smacked Reid as she spoke.- “I don’t think I have to tell you again, she fucking loves you! Do something.”

- “She doesn’t…”- but before Reid could finish that sentence, he felt Emily’s hand against his head, hitting him.

- “Don’t! She loves you! Now stand up, move your skinny ass, and kiss her!”

Reid turned to his friend, still rubbing the spot she had hit, ‘cos it had been incredibly painful.

- “Are you… drunk?”

- “Come on! There is no way I’m surviving sober a weekend with all these agents.”- Prentiss answered and grabbed a tiny gin bottle from her pocket- “Need one?”

- “No, thanks.”

- “Fine… now go! She was having some dinner at our cabin.”

(Y/N) was about to start eating when Spencer got to the cabin. She sat on the terrace with a grilled sandwich and a glass of wine, holding a book. Reid looked at her from the other side of the house and took a deep breath before he continued walking.

- “You’ve got this.”- he whispered to himself - “You can do this.”

- “Hey Spencer!”- (Y/N) watched him approach and smiled so wide he even stopped breathing as he stared at her.

- “You are not doing this.” - he admitted as he sat down on the chair across from (Y/N) and cut her a little smile.

- “Did you eat?”- she asked and offered half her sandwich, but Spencer shook his head and smiled.

- “Thanks, I’m not hungry.”

- “Sure? It’s your favorite. Lots of cheese and zero veggies.”- (Y/N) teased and smiled at Spencer. He blushed and looked at his hands on the table, trying to find the words to finally say what he had to.

But he never found them, instead, they fell into a comfortable silence. (Y/N) finished her sandwich and Spencer read half of her book. The one he had gotten for her a few months earlier. Neither of them said a word, just looked at each other from time to time and smiled awkwardly.

- “So… I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”- (Y/N) finally said as she folded her paper napkin a million times, in a sad and pathetic attempt at making origami.

- “Wh… wha... what about?”- Spencer stuttered immediately. Not a good sign. (Y/N) looked at him and felt bad about how nervous he was. But he had to tell him, he deserved to know.

- “I have to tell you something, but I can’t tell you here. Can you come with me, please?”- the young agent stood up and offered Spencer her hand. He hesitated, not knowing what was happening. But she just smiled and he reached out and held her hand.

(Y/N) drove in silence for a few minutes. They didn’t go too far, Spencer asked a few times where they were going and what was so important that she couldn’t just tell him in the car, but she refused to say a word. Instead, she just smiled and shook her head.

- “Just wait a second.”

Spencer didn’t get it when she parked outside a small supermarket, he just followed her in silence and watched her walk straight to an aisle and then to customer service. Reid didn’t register anything, he just followed her with honest curiosity. Until he saw her grabbing the mic and locking eyes with him.

- “Spencer Walter Reid. I am so fucking in love with you.”- the few people that were shopping at the hour turned to look at her and the young agent simply giggled.

- “Wh… what?”- Spencer stuttered, feeling his red burning red.

- “I love you. I’ve been in love with you for so long.”- (Y/N) kept talking to the mic, until one of the girls in the staff walked up to her and nearly yelled she couldn’t do that. But she (Y/N) didn’t care if she got kicked out of the store. She just cared about Spencer, who kept staring at her in disbelief.

- “Come on dude! Kiss the girl”- some random guy said and slapped his arm, forcing him to react. But before he could do anything, (Y/N) grabbed his face and planted a kiss on his lips. Spencer wide opened his eyes as it happened, and watched her winking as she slipped her tongue between his lips, deepening the kiss.

- “You… do?”- Reid whispered as he gasped for hair when the kiss was over.

- “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you but you kept running away from me.”

- “I was so embarrassed after that happened I…”- but Spencer couldn’t continue speaking, (Y/N) started kissing him again, and some of the customers watching the scene even clapped.

- “What the hell is going on here?”- a sunburned Erin Strauss asked in shock, shoving a small cart with twenty bottles of aloe vera gel, but David Rossi just chuckled and stood next to her, staring at the scene.

- “Let the kids have tonight. You can make their life under the sun miserable tomorrow.”

- “By the way, next Summer, we're doing the Alaskan cruise.”- she added and started walking away- “Agents, tomorrow we’ll have a serious conversation.”- both Spencer and (Y/N) nearly jumped as they heard her voice when she passed by their side, but Rossi just winked at them.

- “Ok, now I’m embarrassed”- (Y/N) whispered and felt Spencer holding her hand. But she didn't really care if Strauss had seen them. It was all worth it when she stared at Spencer’s sweet smile as they walked out of that supermarket.

#spencer reid #criminal minds #mgg #babymetaldoll writes #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fluff #fanfiction

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dream-a-little-bigger-x · 9 months ago

Text

The Stranger | Spencer Reid

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Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Your usual CriMi stuff. Guns. Someone's being shot.

Author's note: Was on my nth rewatch when I thought about this. It's basically season 6 episode 21 - The Stranger. This isn't any good, but I needed to let the idea out and figured I could share it with you.

Words: 4.939

“It’s so unnecessary. There’s too much blood and gore and… bleh…”

When Spencer invited me to the horror movie festival at the cinema complex in town, I didn’t expect it to be a group activity. For a stupid, naive moment, I thought the resident genius had actually asked me out on a date but when Penelope and Derek rocked up, I realized it wasn’t a date.

I had been working at the BAU for about four years. When I first started working there, it was very hard for me to merge with the already super tight group. I didn’t want to impose, so I merely stayed in the background and only did what was asked of me. Until there was one time where I didn’t agree with our boss, Aaron Hotchner, and told that right to his face.

Ever since, the team held me in high esteem, even Aaron.

It also brought me and Spencer closer together. Our bond had grown stronger on the field, and subsequently also off the field. I can’t remember at what point we started hanging out after work, too, but it was long before I actually started to develop feelings for my coworker.

So, when he asked me out to the movies, my heart leapt with joy.

I had donned a cute outfit, did my hair and makeup all prettily, despite having just come off a twelve-hour workday.

And then Penelope and Derek joined and I realized Spencer had not only asked me, but our coworkers, as well. It stung, at first, but in the end, I had such a nice time that I didn’t care for it as much anymore.

“Garcia, it’s a slasher film,” Spencer retorted to our blonde coworker. “How do you do a slasher film without violence?”

“You imply it,” Penelope said, almost angrily.

“Baby, the movie is called Slice 6. What were you expecting?” Derek questioned, grinning.

Penelope’s eyes widened, an answer at the ready. “Uh, a refreshing beverage with a twist of comedy.” Spencer and I chuckled at the same time, and our eyes met for a second. “I’m gonna have nightmares for a week.”

I tilted my head slightly so I could look past Spencer at Penelope. “With everything that we do and see on a daily basis, that got to you?” I asked her.

“Listen, Blaze, you may be all Sigourney Weaver ass-kicking tough, which is awesome–” I giggled at the nickname Penelope had baptized me with on that day I stood up against Hotch. “But the mystical mavens of innocence like myself jump at things that go bump in the night.”

Penelope was so intense and dramatic most times, it was my favorite thing about her.

“Why are you worried? I’m sure that Morgan will protect you,” Spencer added, then looked up at me to share in the upcoming joke. “As long as he’s not jumping out of his chair like a prepubescent schoolgirl.”

The three of us laughed at Derek’s expense before he started to defend himself. “The only reason I jumped is ‘cause you guys woke me up.”

“How could you sleep during that?” Penelope asked, grabbing onto Derek’s bicep. It gave me the urge to do the same with Spencer, but I withheld myself from doing so. Instead, I looked up at him and studied his features for a second.

His side profile really was remarkable. With his sharp jawline and his button nose. I liked his hair short, in comparison to how long it was just a year prior. I liked the dimples in his cheeks when he smiled and I liked how his tie was perpetually crooked. I knew I shouldn’t fall for my coworker, but with Spencer, you couldn’t help but fall for him.

“Villain,” Spencer’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

“What?” Derek asked, which reassured me he wasn’t talking to me.

“In movies, UnSubs are called “villains”.”

Derek chuckled. “My bad.”

As the four of us continued our walk towards the car, I couldn’t help my mind to wander. While I was disappointed it wasn’t an actual date, I actually really enjoyed it. Mostly because I had Spencer whispering facts into my ear about the movie or things that didn’t make a lot of sense scientifically, calming the fear that had built up inside of me due to the suspense.

“Do you wanna know why horror movies are so successful?” Spencer then asked us.

I couldn’t help but smile while Derek asked, “Why’s that, Genius?”

“They prey on our instinctual need to survive,” he started. “In tribal days, a woman’s scream would signal danger and the men would return from hunting to protect their pack. That’s why it’s always the women and not the men who fall victim to the bogeyman.”

I smiled and finally stopped fighting my instincts to grab his arm. “Count on you, Reid, to break a movie down to science,” I said, softly squeezing the fabric of his coat. Almost like a secret code to tell him that I loved it when he whispered facts to me during the movie. “My favorite thing about horror movies is the suspense factor,” I then continued.

“Oh, the ticking clock,” Spencer added, eyes widened slightly for dramatic effect.

I wiggled my eyebrows, a grin tugging at my lips as I lowered my voice to a suspenseful hush. “The helpless victim walks through the dark… Shadows reaching out to get her.”

Then, Spencer went on, his voice lowering an octave to add a bit of spookiness to his own words. “A sudden noise draws her attention. Is someone there–” He leaned down to say in my ear, “or is it just in her head?”

“It’s totally unrealistic,” Penelope cut through our scary-movie-rundown. “No one should be walking through a dark alley by themselves at night.”

Derek cleared his throat, drawing attention to himself. “Hello?”

“Ah, no one should be walking through a dark alley without a Derek Morgan by their side,” Penelope corrected herself, grinning up at the man beside her.

“But the best part of a horror movie,” Spencer went on. “You never know when the end is gonna come.”

In my mind, I thought, I don’t think I wanna know when the end is gonna come, though I was only thinking of the end of our night.

“Well, I think the end of this lovely night has come,” Derek said when we had reached the cars and Pen was stifling a yawn. “Another day at work tomorrow,” he reminded us as though we needed it.

Spencer had carpooled with Penelope and Derek. They had just returned from work while I had to go home first to feed my cat. But instead of joining them by Derek’s car, he remained by my side, even though I had let go of his arm to do so. Seemingly having noticed this, Derek looked at his coworker.

“You coming with us, Reid?” he asked.

Glancing over at me, he shook his head. “I think we’ve learned from this movie that we should never leave a woman alone during the night. I’ll see to it that Blaze gets home safe.”

A flutter erupted in my stomach whilst heat crept up to my cheeks. I was lucky that it was so dark, so no one would be able to notice. “Oh, that’s fine, Spence. I’m sure I won’t be murdered on the way home.”

“No, I insist,” he said and stepped forward towards my car.

Penelope grinned and winked at me before saying, “Well, Blaze, seems you’ve got your very own knight in shining armor.”

Completely ignoring the effect this insinuation had on my body, I chuckled. “More like brains in shining armor, you mean.”

Only momentarily, and only to give me a hug, Penelope let go of Derek’s arm. “Tell him how you feel tonight,” she whispered into my ear.

Penelope Garcia was the sole confidante privy to my secret crush on Spencer. Surrounded by a team of keen profilers, one might assume others would catch on, yet fortunately, my feelings remained unnoticed by all except Penelope. It was she who skillfully coaxed the admission from me. Since then, our weekly girls' nights became a sanctuary, overflowing with ice cream and dissecting Spencer Reid's flirtations of the week. Penelope's enthusiasm often led me to believe Spencer reciprocated, only for reality to swiftly dispel such notions upon our next encounter.

“You know I won’t,” I whispered back, only to earn a glare from the blonde.

“Bye, my loves!” Penelope waved as she made a beeline towards Derek’s car.

Once Spencer and I had returned the goodbyes to our coworkers, we got into my car. Silence engulfed us, only broken by the soft hum of the engine and soon thereafter, the music playing from the radio. I felt a tingle on the back of my neck, suddenly completely aware that I was all alone with my best friend.

“Did you enjoy the movie?” He then asked when we drove off.

I hummed. “Mm-mmm, yeah. My favorite moment was when the slicer’s brother was in the closet. I did not see that coming.” From the corner of my eye, I caught Spencer’s wide smile and the nod of his head.

“Yeah, I noticed that. I believe you nearly broke my hand from how hard you were squeezing it.”

My cheeks flushed again at the memory of us holding hands during the movie, just because I was scared. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered, chuckling.

“No, don’t be,” he said. “I didn’t mind it.”

When I looked over at him for a split second, he was already looking at me, giving me a warm smile. Spencer had the most beautiful smile, one that reached his eyes with a twinkle. Not falling in love with this man was impossible.

During the car ride, the two of us rehashed our favorite parts of the movie before we lapsed into conversation about work. It was inevitable not to talk about the most recent case we had as it was still so fresh in our minds.

“Why don’t you come up for a moment?” Spencer asked when we had arrived at his place. “I can tell you’re still a bit shaken up from the case and the movie hasn’t done much good to help that feeling.”

I hesitated. It wasn’t like I hadn’t been to his apartment before, we’d spent many a day together after hours, just hanging out. But the idea that this evening was a date still haunted the back of my mind. Then again, the idea of being home alone with the anxiety still sitting on my chest didn’t entice me either.

“Uhm, sure,” I heard myself say before unbuckling and putting the car in park.

His apartment was cold when we walked in. We had been on the case for a couple of days, so Spencer had turned down the heating, of course. Whilst he took care of turning it back on, I kicked off my shoes and went to find a blanket to wrap around me in hopes it would warm me up a bit.

As I waited for Spencer to return, I replied to a couple of messages from my mother, my sister and Penelope that I had missed during the movie or, in the last case, during the drive home.

Tell him!!!

Penelope’s message read, but it was quickly forgotten when Spencer returned with cups of tea, handing one over to me before sitting down next to me. The steam of the hot beverage wafted in my face and the aroma of it alone told me it was chamomile tea, my favorite.

As Spencer and I settled onto the cozy couch, steaming cups of tea in hand, the ambiance of the dimly lit room enveloped us in a sense of tranquility. Conversation flowed effortlessly between us, seamlessly transitioning from discussions about our latest case to lighter, more random topics. Spencer's animated gestures and thoughtful insights never failed to captivate me, his intellect a constant source of admiration.

Lost in our exchange, time seemed to slip away unnoticed, until the credits of the movie we had intended to watch began to roll. With a shared chuckle, we realized we had become so engrossed in conversation that we hadn't even started the film. Determined not to let the evening go to waste, we decided to press play anyway.

However, the warmth of the room combined with the soothing rhythm of the movie soon lulled us into a state of relaxation. Before we knew it, our eyes grew heavy, and the soft cushions of the couch beckoned us into a peaceful slumber. Side by side, cups of tea empty on the coffee table, we drifted off into a contented sleep, the gentle glow of the screen casting a serene aura over the room.

I was startled awake the next morning by the sound of my phone ringing and buzzing on the coffee table. Slowly but surely, my brain started to wake too, which was the moment it dawned on me where I was and what was happening.

Spencer and I had fallen asleep on the couch, my head on his shoulder, his arm wrapped around me. The idea of it alone sent shivers down my spine. Though I couldn’t revel in the feeling for too long when my mind snapped back to the ringing on the coffee table.

Garcia was calling me.

“Hello?” I greeted, unsure about what she was calling me about.

“Sorry to be calling so early, my sweetling, but duty’s calling,” she informed me. “So, get Reid up and get your sweet asses to the BAU.” At the mention of his name, my eyes flicked towards Spencer next to me. He was rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, making him look like an adorable toddler.

The words finally registered in my brain, causing me to furrow my brows in confusion. “Wait– How do you–”

“I came to pick you up at your place, but when you weren’t here, I figured you’d have stayed at Spencer’s considering the movie we watched last night,” she explained with that cheeky tone in her voice that told me she was smirking all the way through.

I cleared my throat as I removed the blanket from my body. “Right – We’ll be right there.”

“Drive careful, my love. Toodaloo.”

Once Penelope had hung up, I nudged Spencer along. The two of us got ready in silence before heading out the door and getting into my car. We only stopped at the coffee shop at the corner of the street where Spencer got us both coffees.

Entering the BAU, the two of us were quickly joined by some of the team, though only Penelope shot me a knowing look at the outfit I was wearing; yesterday’s clothes. Rossi, however, was only interested in hearing about the movie we watched, which Spencer was all too happy to divulge into.

“What we didn’t see coming was that the slicer’s brother was in the closet,” he mentioned, which made me smile. It was the exact moment we had talked about the night before.

“Frightening,” Rossi commented as the four of us moved through the hallways.

“Did you tell him?” Penelope asked in a whisper, hooking her arm with mine.

I shook my head. “I chickened out,” I said, earning a stern glare from the blonde. “I just– I don’t want anything to change between us, Pen. We’re in a really good place right now a-and I don’t wanna blow that.”

“Speaking of horror,” Rossi’s comment had us all stopping in our tracks when we noticed Strauss talking to Hotch in his office.

The four of us looked at the scene in front of us as Spencer asked, “What’s Strauss doing here?”

“Whatever it is, I cast my vote on “not good”,” Penelope replied.

The four of us piled into the briefing room where Derek already was, ready to be presented with the case. It took a few moments before Hotch joined us, undoubtedly getting a stern talking to from Strauss. “Let’s get started,” he muttered once he walked through the door.

Penelope briefed us about the case and we were soon on the jet to San Diego, bouncing theories off one another with the first impressions we had about the case. As we started building the profile, the UnSub attacked again, leaving us with four victims before we were able to give a profile.

While Morgan, Rossi and Hotch delivered the profile to the rest of the police department, Spencer and I were tasked to inform the officers on-campus. The entire time we were there, Spencer allowed me to do most of the talking, only chiming in when he felt necessary. It was the perfect dynamic of going back-and-forth.

Spencer and I turned away from the girls we had been talking to and convened together a little further away, bouncing theories off each other. I was in the middle of a sentence when Spencer reached out and wiped my cheek with his thumb.

"Eyelash," he said, showing me the single lash he had caught on his thumb. The tantilizing electricity zapped between us, sending shivers down my spine.

Before I could say anything else, we were whisked away on the next part of our case. There was never a moment to breathe.

There were two more victims after that, two in one go before we found who the UnSub could be. As we all geared up to get Greg Phinney, Spencer turned towards me with a worried look on his face.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Will you be careful?” his question was intertwined with mine, making it almost impossible to hear it.

I wasn’t sure where this sudden worry had come from. We’d been doing fine for over four years. He had never worried about me until now. “Of course. Always.”

With a quick nod, Spencer turned on his heel to join Derek while I tagged along with Hotch and Rossi. Soon enough, we were informed that Greg Phinney wasn’t at his own apartment and that we’d better floor it towards Kate’s. It was a whirlwind of phone calls and theories and words until Hotch snapped me out of it.

“y/l/n, I want you to come in with me. Leave your firearm here.” There was no time to object, so I handed my gun over to the officer next to me before falling into step with my boss. “Be compassionate and sympathetic to him. Let him tell you how Kate betrayed him and how much you understand his devastation,” he informed me.

I simply nodded my head and with feigned confidence, I knocked on the mahogany door. As the door softly creaked open, a chill swept through me, raising the fine hairs on the back of my neck.

Greg's appearance was ordinary yet unsettling, his features shrouded in an eerie stillness. His eyes, a piercing blue, bore into mine with an intensity that sent a shiver down my spine. They seemed to hold secrets untold, each glance a silent invitation into the depths of his darkness.

His jawline was sharp, set in a firm line that betrayed no emotion. A hint of fear pooled in his eyes, sending a ripple of unease coursing through me. It was as if he knew something I didn't, as if he held the upper hand in a game whose rules remained a mystery.

In that moment, as our eyes locked in a silent standoff, I couldn't shake the feeling that Greg Phinney was more than just a suspect—he was a predator, waiting patiently in the shadows for his next opportunity to strike.

“I never said you could bring in anyone else,” he said to Hotch, but keeping his eyes on mine.

“I know, but I thought if we talked inside we could work this out ourselves,” I retorted, surprising myself with the amount of strength that was audible in my voice.

Greg blinked. “Are you some kind of a negotiator?”

I didn’t respond, but waited for Greg to make the first move. He looked out towards the police cars standing behind me, officers ready to go in when necessary.

“No guns,” he finally said.

“No guns,” I agreed.

Greg opened the door further, revealing that he had Kate in a chokehold with one arm and a knife against her throat, a gun in his other hand. “Okay,” he whispered and cocked his head to the side, urging us to come in. He moved towards the living room with Kate as Hotch and I followed behind.

“Close the door,” he ordered to Hotch, who obeyed politely. “All right. Stand over there.”

Hotch moved over towards the spot Greg was pointing at. “You need to put the gun down,” he said.

“We need to get out of here. Is that gonna happen?” Greg asked instead.

“As long as you’ve got a gun, if one of the agents outside has a clear shot, he’ll take it.”

Inhaling deeply, regaining my determination, I took a tentative step forward. “Tell me what you want, Greg.”

“You know, I don’t want to get locked up again,” said Greg, still holding on very tightly to Kate with a knife against her throat and a gun waving around.

A thousand ideas were whirling inside my head until I landed on one. “Don’t you really want Kate to apologize for making your dad forget your mom?” I asked, cautiously and very slowly approaching Greg.

“No, I didn’t do that though,” Kate chimed in.

My eyes flicked towards Kate, my jaw clenched and my eyebrows furrowed in feigned anger. “Unless the next words out of your mouth are “I’m sorry”, I don’t wanna hear anything else from you.” When I looked back at Greg, I made sure to soften my features. “I understand, Greg. I do. She took care of you. You trusted her. And then she betrayed you as soon as your mother was gone. It must have crushed you when Kate married your dad. How did it make you feel, Greg?”

Greg didn’t know what was happening. I could see the gears behind his eyes whirling whilst he became more and more agitated.

“I’m sorry,” Kate whimpered.

“You felt betrayed, didn’t you, Greg?” I continued, certain of my tactics and it seemed Hotch was on the same page I was.

“Ask her the question, Greg,” he said. Greg looked at my boss in surprise. “Go ahead.” The young man opened his mouth to ask the question he wanted to ask, but hesitated. “Ask her,” Hotch ordered again.

Then, the question Hotch and I had both anticipated rolled off Greg’s lips. “Why not me?” A single tear slipped down Kate’s cheek. “Why not me?!” he asked louder.

“Answer him, Kate,” Hotch ordered.

Kate whimpered and gasped for air before her answer came out in a whisper. “Because you were just a … boy.”

Glancing from Kate towards us and back, Greg said, “But I loved you,” and he almost sounded incredulous as if he couldn’t believe she would never reciprocate his feelings. He tightened the knife against Kate’s throat and I knew something needed to happen. “I loved you.”

Hushed apologies rushed from Kate’s lips as Greg continued to declare his love for the old babysitter.

Behind them, I noticed Rossi sneaking up, gun aimed. Hotch was quick to dive away and as Greg turned, wanting to fire back, I took the opportunity to grab Kate and bring her to safety in a small hallway to our right. Two gunshots went off.

Greg fell to the floor against the sofa. Through the whirlwind happening in my mind, I heard Hotch call for backup as he himself approached the unconscious young man, discarting him of his firearm before checking his pulse.

Once the scene was deemed safe, I guided the distraught Kate outside where I brought her to the EMT’s to get checked up. I made sure she was all right before turning to rejoin my coworkers on the scene when another EMT stopped me.

“Agent y/l/n, is that your blood?” she asked, pointing at my left arm.

When I looked down, the sleeve of my burgundy long sleeve shirt had turned even darker and was slightly ripped. Only then did I realize that the second gunshot wasn’t Rossi firing twice. It had been Greg, wanting to shoot at Rossi but instead nicking my arm.

“Huh,” I said before everything went completely dark.

“You fainted at the sight of blood?” Morgan’s voice chimed through the hospital foyer when he came to pick me up afterwards. I was cleared to go after being treated for the gunshot wound that had grazed my skin. Though I didn’t think it was so bad, I still had to wear a sling for a couple of days.

I shrugged as the two of us fell into step to walk out to the car. “You know, I think it was the adrenaline of it all more than the blood itself,” I retorted with a giggle and hopped into the passenger’s seat while he took the driver’s.

“There’s someone who isn’t all too happy with your actions,” he commented.

I furrowed my brows. “Who?” I asked, certain it wasn’t our boss since it was all his idea.

“Reid, of course,” he replied as though I should’ve known the answer. For a fleeting moment, our eyes met before Morgan focused back on the road. “I think it’s time you and Reid had a good conversation because this is ludicrous.”

Before I could even ask him about any of it, we had arrived at the airport where everyone was waiting for us on the jet. Determined to ask Spencer about what was wrong, I approached him but as soon as he saw me, he put on his headphones. Okay, that’s clear, I thought and instead sat down on the other side of the jet.

“Hey,” Rossi captured my attention. “Good job today, kid.”

I mustered up the best smile I could give. “Thanks, Dave.”

All the way back to Quantico, I pondered about what might be happening inside that genius’ brain. Why could he be upset about me doing my job? He had gotten into danger more often than I had, much to my dismay. Those had been the most harrowing cases; where I’d almost lost him or any of our other team members.

I tried to talk to him when we got back to the BAU, but he simply walked past me and ignored me completely. Though he was going to change his course in a couple of days, I didn’t have much patience for that. So, after a frustrating shower and a change of clothes, I rocked up to his apartment in a fury.

“What the hell did I do wrong that you don’t want to talk to me?!” I asked as soon as he opened his door, pushing past him and dropping my back on the sofa.

“Are you kidding?” he asked, then scoffed. “You put yourself in danger and I’m not allowed to be angry?!” His voice matched mine, the anger dripping from his words.

I shook my head. “No! You put yourself in danger more often than I have and I have never been allowed to be angry at you! I was doing my job, Spence! A dumb bullet just grazed my skin. It’s not like I was inside a building that exploded or got shot in the fucking knee! I’m fine!”

Spencer’s face faltered. His eyes fell to the floor as he tucked his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants. “I was… I was scared to lose you, y/n. I heard you were shot and you were in the hospital and I just… I couldn’t believe Hotch would ever put your life in danger like that. I just– I can’t stand to lose you.”

Suddenly everything clicked in my mind. Every subtle touch, every glance sent my way, all the coffees he’d bought me or when he ordered my favorite food on cases, … All along, Spencer Reid might have felt the same way for me as I did for him.

As he kept on babbling about how he was so scared to lose me and what the statistics are of people in our field dying during cases, I took a few tentative steps towards him until I was mere inches before him. For a heartbeat, I hesitated, but then a surge of confidence boosted me. I lifted his chin between my index finger and thumb, forcing him to meet my eyes before I softly kissed his lips.

For a second, I thought I’d made the wrong move until he kissed me back. His lips moved with passion and fervor, his hands covering the sides of my face while my hands moved to his waist, fingers gripping at his shirt.

In the midst of our passionate embrace, the weight of unspoken words hung heavy in the air, mingling with the heat of our entwined bodies. With each tender caress and fervent kiss, it was as if a lifetime of longing was finally being released, flooding our senses with an overwhelming rush of emotion. In that moment, there was no room for doubt or hesitation, only the undeniable truth of our connection, burning brighter than any statistic or fear. As we lost ourselves in the sweet surrender of our love, I knew that no matter what challenges lay ahead, we would face them together, bound by a love that was as unstoppable as it was undeniable. And as the world faded into the background, all that mattered was the beating of our hearts, entwined in a timeless rhythm of love and devotion.

Everything taglist: @calamitykaty @n0wornever @wanniiieeee @unnowhatthisistbh

Criminal Minds Taglist:

@kenseverything @samsbirks @tinaasthings @dysphoricsanity @love4lando @elenamoncada-ibarra @r-3dlips @magstheslayer @astess @sylvcaplath @tillypettitt @mordechaisworld @ssameadows @spikedhe4rt @spencers-bookworm @littlemissaddict @kirbybean

#spencer reid #criminal minds #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x fem!reader

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pastanest · 7 months ago

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this is going to sound so ridiculously stupid and random but there’s been an influx of tiktoks like this recently being all “and if they’d been here” over pics of Hotch, Gideon and Morgan, “they would’ve never let this be” over a pic of Spencer in prison and I CANNOT get the idea out of my head of like- POTENTIALLY SPOILERS BEYOND THIS POINT

Emily hearing about Spencer getting arrested (I’m not at that season yet so Idk how it pans out exactly I’ve just heard a lot/seen clips but this is how I envision it anyway) and it turns out she has a top secret stashed phone in her desk and she calls it and all she says it “Reid’s been arrested” and the camera cuts to Hotch on the other end of the line bc despite the fact he’s been in witness protection or whatever bs for however long, he secretly INSISTED to Emily that if one of them got in real trouble to just call and he’s like “I’ll be there as soon as I can” and hangs up. maybe the episode ends on that cliffhanger or maybe it carries on but the next thing is he arrives at the BAU and at the EXACT SAME TIME so does Morgan and he’s like “Hotch called. What the hell is the kid doing in custody?!” and in my head either the following happen:

1) Hotch puts on his lawyer shoes, rocks up to where Spencer’s being held and is like “if you think you’re going to arrest my figuratively adopted son who debatably looks the same age as me now but we’ll ignore it, think again. here are at least 50 hefty documents that you need to read through that prove you cant do your job. let my son out of there” and if whatever guard is holding him refuses, Hotch turns to Morgan and is like “get the door”

2) there’s no legal loophole to be found so Hotch and Morgan (as officially “retired”/“no longer in action” agents) strategise and fulfil a plan that involves literally breaking Spencer out of prison, to which Spencer is obviously like “who are these masked vigilantes I must thank them immediately” so refuses to leave until he sees who they are and then Hotch and Morgan take their balaclavas or whatever off

and the PAYOFF of Spencer getting to not only reunite with Hotch and Morgan but to know that they both literally dropped everything to come and rescue him through whatever means necessary bc that is the team they are family and I would also 110% buy into a plot of somehow resurrecting Gideon bc if these mf’s used a ouija board to tell old Giddy that Spencer had been arrested you KNOW he is climbing right out of that coffin to call someone’s mother a whore

bonus points for Hotch managing to get ahold of Elle for backup if they need to bust Spencer out of jail bc yk she got the pop pop bang on lock and will not HESITATE x

anyway the point is get me into the CM writer’s room

#spencer reid #aaron hotchner #derek morgan #emily prentiss #criminal minds

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starshinegarcia · 7 months ago

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Into You - Aaron Hotchner x Female Reader

Season 4, Episode 9 “Pickup” - Reader is in place of Emily in the first scene, then she goes in alongside Emily later on (part 2) as bait, instead of Jordan.

Thank you so so much to @cerisereids for the prompt, and to @ilikw for bringing it to my attention!! I hope i did it justice!

“I’m so into you, I can barely breathe”

As you stepped into the sleazy bar, you suddenly became very hyper aware that you were the only female in a few-mile radius who wasn’t wearing a low cut something-or-another. You trailed close behind Morgan and Hotch, as you all made your way to the monologuing misogynist hidden away in the back corner of the bar. Viper’s voice carried through the air- saying something that, you’re sure would’ve made your blood boil, had you been paying any attention- his poisonous eyes landing on you and smirking. A shiver went down your spine as you subtly shifted your gaze over to Hotch, who was watching Viper intently- but his eyes softened when he glanced back at you. “Agent, you alright?” You nod, avoiding his gaze as Viper finishes talking- in fear of your cheeks flushing if you look directly into Hotch’s eyes again. You feel his gaze on you, until it shifts and you instead look up as Viper walks towards the three of you.

“So, what, you think this guy, this unsub took one of my classes?” “He copied your ‘the camera adds 10 pounds' routine verbatim.” Hotch replies. Viper smirks. “Yeah, that’s a good gag.” You bring your eyes up to meet him, speaking for the first time, “If you could just give us your attendance lists, it might help us find him.”

Viper toys with it for a minute, before a defiantly sassy “No.” “No?” You repeat. “My clients expect a certain amount of confidentiality. I won’t compromise that.” Hotch then continues to banter with him about warrants, then something about outwitting “alpha males like you” to Morgan before you speak up, “What club were you at last night?” Hotch’s jaw has been clenched slightly this whole time- he shouldn’t have had you come along on this particular questioning. With every passing second, he became less and less in control of his actions, as jealousy clouded his judgment. The way that that man was looking at you, all that he wanted to do was grab your waist and show that stupid snake man who you really belong to. But, no, you weren’t even his, regardless of how inappropriate that would be if you were. He grins, very obviously checking you out as his eyes travel up and down your body. “It’s a legitimate question.” Derek counters, watching his body language.” “Firstly, How many times do you have to rely on your badge to score, baldy? Secondly-” He turns to Hotch, standing opposite you while Morgan follows him intently with his eyes. “Here, in this harsh light, you may have the advantage..” Viper suddenly takes a step towards you, inching his face so close you can smell the tobacco on his breath, “But meet me on my turf, and ohoho, the things I could make you do..”

A flame erupts inside you, wanting more than anything to cuss him out- but a tall figure is in front of you before you get the chance to respond. Hotch’s voice rang out, cold as he passed the man a business card. “Call us with any questions. And, if you do, I can be certain that if you talk to my agent like that again, it won’t end this peacefully.” You could hear the anger in Aaron’s voice, and you scoffed. As if you couldn’t fucking protect yourself. You feel Derek’s hand on your shoulder, indicating towards the exit. “You okay, blondie?” You shake your head, muttering under your breathe, “All he sees me as is a fucking child, I can protect myself.” Derek furrows his brows slightly, letting you walk to the SUV ahead as he lays back and walks in pace with Hotch. “How much longer are you going to pretend that you don't want to kiss her, boss man?” He winks at Hotch, before hopping in the passengers seat. Hotch’s hands clench the wheel as he drives. That stupid guy. The things that I could do to him, I’d make him regret ever letting his filthy face near her’s. She needs my protection, she hasn’t learned how to calmly react yet, that’s it, she’s new, that’s why I want to protect her. His eyes flick up and find yours in the backseat, as you sit there with your arms crossed, quickly shaking your head and looking out the window when you feel his eyes on you. Every fucking time. He never lets you stand up for yourself, never lets you fight back, half the time he finds an excuse to make you stay out of the unsub crime scenes. Who the fuck was he to defend you? His stupid, handsome face.. Morgan observes you both with a slight smirk, shooting a text to his baby girl that says something along the lines of “I think Blondie and Hotch may finally realize something’s up between them.”

“Been waiting, and waiting for you, to make a move”

As soon as the SUV pulls into the Georgia Field Office, Hotch gets out, with a curt “Agent. My office, now.” before slamming the car door behind him. You grumble and shoot an angry look in his direction, before following him into the Field office, and into his makeshift headquarters. As soon as the door shuts behind you, you start, “Do you not think I’m strong enough for this team, sir?” He sits down, folding his hands and watching you intently as you pace. “I do.” “Is there something weak about me? Do I not make it clear that I know how to deal with suspects and criminals?” “I do not see you as weak, and I certainly know your ability to argue-” You interrupt him, “Then what, sir, what is it? Every damn time, you just cut in front of me as if I’m your daughter or something, I mean, come on, I know I’m younger than you but I-” “That isn’t why I do it, you haven’t worked here long enough to get your footing yet, I’ve done it with Prentiss, Reid, when they first started-” “Then why do they look so surprised every time? It’s like I’m some special pearl, I can only ask questions but never actually interrogate or go catch unsubs-” You’re both yelling by now, and Hotch has stood up and made his way towards you, “Agent, I do not appreciate your tone with me right now.” “Well I don’t appreciate your- your- your weird, jealous, overprotective-” Your stop, chest heaving as he towers over you. You thought he would be angry, on the verge of dismissing you, but instead, his eyes have gone soft as he gazes down at you. Suddenly, you feel his lips on yours. You’re kissing your boss, and it feels so beautiful, so good, so right, as he wraps his arms around your waist and you bring yours around his neck. He pulls away, immediately trying to step back, sputtering apologies, but you grab his hands and kiss him again, with more passion than before. He gives in, for a moment, but pulls away firmly after a few more seconds, and as quickly as it had happened it was over. “Tha, uhm, that will be all, Agent. Thank you” Hotch says breathlessly, motioning towards the door as he resumes his seat at the paint-chipped desk.

Well, fuck.

“A little bit scandalous, but baby, don’t let them see it..”

Keep your eyes peeled for part 2…only if it’s wanted, that is ;) Also on AO3 under the same name!! i’m @/pumpkinspicedtheatre on there :)

#criminal minds #aaron hotchner #bau team #spencer reid #criminal minds hotch #criminal minds fanfiction #cm fanfiction #criminal minds incorrect #derek morgan #criminal minds fic #fanfiction #em writes #writing

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sweatervest-obsessed · 1 year ago

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Salvia Splendens Means Forever Mine - Part 2

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

WC: 4.1k

TW: Mentions of past trauma and the episode Revelations, mentions of drug use, emotional exhaustion, blood, vomit, drinking, People hunting People, injury, swearing

A/N: idk why but this one was so difficult to write, but that means a part 3 so I can resolve the issues in the way I want to, and not be pissed with the middle bits. Also it's literaLLY been over a week, so sorry for the lack of Spencer content. I just completed my last first week of college so that was crazy.

Part 1

There was something that Spencer was not telling you. After an extremely emotional reunion that involved tears, and a hug that lasted for over two consecutive minutes, Spencer apologized to you. He said he was sorry. Now what for, you couldn’t possibly imagine then. But now?

You were given seven days of paid recovery to help Spencer cope with the traumas he had endured. Spencer was given as much time as he needed. You managed to fuck around with the schedule, so that way you only worked Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for three weeks, giving you ample time to spend with Spencer, while also providing him with space of his own to cope. He was an independent creature, so him needing a day to recover on his own made sense to you. But when he told you he was ready to come back to the BAU, you hesitated.

You’re not stupid. Your PhD alone could counter that fact. But the profiling skills you had sharpened over the past two years were certainly a help. But you didn’t need to profile Doctor Spencer Reid in order to tell him that going back this soon was not the best idea.

And he argued with you—yelled at you. The two of you had spats, and a couple arguments here and there, but nothing like this. He claimed you didn’t know him; that you didn’t have his best interests at heart.

“It’s like you only care about what’s good for me and bad for me whenever it’s convenient for you.”

Your jaw had dropped. You wanted to cry, but you were more so offended at the fact that Spencer had the audacity to claim you put yourself first. But you knew that wasn’t your Spencer, he was coping with trauma, and you were trying to care for him, support him.

“Spencer. You need to take more time and reall–”

“I’m done listening to someone who didn’t even show up to save me from digging my own fucking grave.”

You ended up working that Thursday, going back to full time, leaving him to his own devices. Was it a little selfish of you to not speak to him and leave him to his own devices while he was coping with unspeakable traumas? Sure. But when Spencer spat that at you, pettiness took over, deciding that clearly he didn’t want to speak to you, so you wouldn’t.

When he came back, it was wrong. Something was wrong. Spencer was despondent, distant, not actually talking to you for days on end unless he had to. He would snap at people, specifically Emily and you. He would disappear for a couple of minutes at a time, appearing moments later when someone asked where he was.

Which brought you to your conclusion, Spencer was hiding something from you. You knew, okay well you didn’t know per se, but you assumed he wasn’t cheating on you—you hoped he wasn’t cheating on you. You couldn’t blame him if he was, I mean seeking comfort when he needed it, and clearly whatever you were doing was just not enough. But you were hoping that he wasn’t sleeping around. The alternatives weren’t better, providing you with absolutely no comfort.

Your hypothesis led you to Hotch’s office. You knocked on the door, pushing the door in slightly, since it was already opened. You closed the door behind you once Hotch had given you the okay, the head nod of approval.

He motioned for you to sit down in the chair across from him, which you did. Hotch always let you speak first, knowing you didn’t need the go ahead. It was something you appreciated about him. One day you would have to tell him how much you appreciated it.

“I think Spencer is using.” It was blunt. It was emotionless. Not exactly what Hotch was expecting from you, especially since he watched as you held a broken Spencer in your arms right after they brought him to you covered in dirt, limping, injured, but alive.

He nodded, and picked up his phone, calling Gideon into his office. Hotch had his own theories, his own thoughts on the matter, and so did Gideon.

Once Gideon had sat on the arm of the chair next to you, you continued.

“You don’t need me to tell a room full of profilers that clearly something is wrong with him. He’s despondent, he’s had moments where he’s an extreme aggressor, he’s been losing weight, he has the lines around his eyes—do I need to go on or did I just confirm your theories?”

Gideon and Hotch looked at one another before Hotch spoke. “We were hoping you’d actually say he was just coping poorly, not with drugs.”

You sighed and shook your head. “Hotch, I‘ve been at Emily’s the past couple of nights since we….had an argument.” Causing you to scoff and fiddle with the necklace along your neck. “But he’s definitely using, probably dilaudid since that’s probably what Tobias was using to subdue him.”

“Have you confronted him about it?”

“Have you?” You shot back a little meaner than you meant, but the sentiment still stood.

“Well, what do we want to do about it?” Gideon looked between the three of you, and before someone could come up with an answer, JJ had knocked on the door. “We have a cas—oh! Sorry. Sorry. We um. We have a case.”

“We’ll be there in a moment. Thank you JJ.” Hotch nodded at her, as she exited, closing the door behind her. “We’ll discuss this later.”

You nodded and stood up, exiting the office. You felt the eyes of the bullpen on you. But you just walked towards the round room, not a word to anyone. Your gaze shifted to Spencer, who was looking directly at you, brow creased, worry lines on full display. You eyed him up and down, a subtle challenge on your part, but nothing else as you left the room.

“Pretty boy’s in trouble…” Derek smirked slightly, nudging Reid with his shoulder. But Reid just shot him a look before getting up and walking towards where you were.

None of them had really seen you act like this. Something was wrong, and everyone knew it. You hadn’t had flowers on your desk for almost a week, there was no humming from your lips, and you were out the door right as the clock hit 5, not saying your usual goodbyes.

Right as Spencer sat down in his usual seat, he went to speak, your name on his lips, everyone else entered. Another case, another excuse for you to not talk directly to him for the next thirty minutes.

People were hunting people.

You, like most other public school kids in America, had read Richard Connell’s The Most Dangerous Game, leaving you scared and questioning the real morals of humanity, only slightly boosting your own ego thinking of all the ways you could survive. Most kids had not taken the short story as an instruction manual, but apparently these two brothers did.

The past few days apart have taken a toll on Spencer. He didn’t mean to push you away, except that he did, and the more guilty he had felt about it, the worse he felt. You were kind, and brilliant, and so caring, and pushing you away was the easiest answer. He didn’t mean to say that to you. He knew why you were told to stay back at the house, knowing you could have lost your job–but he wondered why you didn’t fight for him, he would’ve fought tooth and nail to be the first one to get to you, so why didn’t you?

But when you volunteered first to go into the woods where you could get shot through the heart with an arrow instead of checking the boy’s family home, he knew he was fucked, and some sick and twisted part of him thought he deserved it.

You were just sick and tired of not being treated properly. You missed him, you really did. But if he was going to keep acting like this, if he was going to keep using, then he needed to make the executive decision about you both. It fucking killed you, but god damn if you weren’t the stubborn type. Spencer was just not used to being on the receiving end of it.

When Spencer had heard that both of the brothers had been killed, he was relieved, regardless of the trail of bodies left behind, because you were still okay. Even if you didn’t want anything to do with him anymore, you deserved better.

Hotch had followed your wishes, and gave you a separate hotel room, letting the team know that this really was a breaking point for you. When the whole team, sans you, returned to the police station, his blood pressure rose and it took everything in his power to remain calm, only being able to focus once Hotch had mentioned you wanted to go shower and change your clothes—you had received the heavy end of blood on your clothes, graciously donated by the eldest of the two brothers.

Reid nodded, excusing himself. What if you were hurt and you didn’t even tell him, or anyone for that matter. What if you were just bleeding out on the floor of your shower, in a hotel room, all alone? The spiraling didn’t stop until he found himself at your hotel room door, unable to knock.

You had quickly made your way back to your hotel room, not wanting to deal with the attention you might have received for the gash in your arm. The blood blended nicely with the rest of the blood that had seeped into your once blue shirt, so no one was any wiser. The shower you had taken had helped a little bit, but now you had a major cut down the side of your inner arm, and bandaging it was good enough, for now.

The bed was not comfortable enough for your liking, but it was good enough to lay on and stare at the ceiling, questioning all of the choices you had made up until this moment. Ignoring the pain in your arm, you just laid there.

You were exhausted. Your relationship was exhausting. Your whole life was exhausting, and honestly, it would just be better if you took a moment to fall asleep and then just never wake up.

But life had other plans.

Spencer finally knocked on your door.

You knew it was Spencer by the way he knocked. Short, quick, but in the same pattern he always had.

“It’s unlocked.” You yelled, not moving to stand up from your location on the bed. It was unlocked because you wanted him knew he would show up. An aerial view might have rivaled Fuseli’s Nightmare, but instead of the luscious red drapes and printed silks, you were in a mediocre hotel room bed. The damp hair, the wounded arm, the distressed sheets framing your carelessly tossed body–it was the definition of a modern renaissance painting.

Spencer slowly came into the room and closed the door behind him.

“Spencer. What can I help you with?” You didn’t even look over at him, voice flat.

“You didn’t come back to the station s-so I wanted to c-check in on you…”

“I’m fine.”

“Your arm–”

“--Is fine.” Your voice was sharp, cutting him off.

“Are you–’

“Sure? Yes.”

“You haven’t been home in a couple of days…”

You scoffed as he said the word home. You knew he was standing near the edge of the bed, willing you to look at him. You felt him standing there, you heard the desperation in his voice.

“What did I say?”

“Spencer. I’d really rather not dance around whatever it is that’s been going on with you because I’d hope that you’d love me more than that, and if not, then at least you would have respected me enough.” You went to sit up, but winced as you put pressure on your arm. You should be glaring at him, and your face was definitely communicating that, but your eyes were soft and caring, like they always had been. You could never hate him, but you definitely required an apology for his previous behavior.

He sighed and rubbed the palms of his hands in his eyes. “It’s complicated y/n.”

“Enlighten me then.” You sat all the way up, hands clasped together, in your lap. “Please, tell me what is so complicated.”

“What were you doing in Hotch’s office before this whole case started.” He blurted out, hands fidgeting, eyes looking into yours.

“Why do you want to know?”

“Because if you said something—anything to Hotch about the whole coping thing, I could lose my job.”

“Is there a reason your coping would make you lose your job?”

Spencer’s face twisted into something unrecognizable. His hand started twitching, he started to itch his arm.

“You’re surrounded by profilers Spencer. And we know you’re hiding something. I know you’re hiding something. And I wish you—god Spencer you just pushed me away and I wish you would Fucking talk to me instead of the fact that you’re clearly coping in an unhealthy way—when’s the last time you actually slept? More than thirty minutes?”

Spencer licked his lips, staying silent.

You scoffed. “That’s what I thought.” You stood up, almost toe to toe with Spencer. God you missed him. Your body almost started to lean into his, wanting to kiss him, wanting to hold him, but you just walked around him, careful not to let him touch you at all. You grabbed your coat and wallet, and slammed the hotel room door shut.

Derek had just opened his door, leather jacket on, sunglasses on his head. “You look like you need a drink sweetheart.”

“You should be a profiler.” You snorted, pulling your coat on.

“Your arm–”

“--Is fine. Jesus Christ.” You started to walk but stopped and turned around, eyebrows raised. “Are you going to join me or what Morgan.”

Derek gave you a mini salute and followed you as you walked down the stairs.

You two ended up in some local townie bar, opposite sides of the booth. You had ordered a shot of tequila before getting something you can slowly sip on.

“Wanna talk about it?”

You rolled your eyes and took a sip before sighing. “He hasn’t spoken to me one on one in a week, and the first thing he said to me was asking if my talk with Hotch before this case was about him. Not how are you, not even an ‘I miss you’, he just pointed out that I haven’t been home like no shit Sherlock, I know I haven’t been home.”

Derek nodded and took a sip of his drink.

“I just—honestly, can we talk about anything else right now? I really don’t want to think about it right now.”

Derek smiled at you, putting his beer down. “So JJ is one hundred percent seeing that detective from New Orleans.”

You laughed and nodded. “Acting as if we can’t hear her when she takes phone calls from him. It’s ridiculous..”

Derek was a godsend. He had seen you in the hallway, slamming the door, and knew you had needed someone to go out drinking with. He distracted you, pulling topics out of his ass just to help you keep your mind off of Reid. He even helped you walk back, not that you were blackout, but walking in a straight line was not your strong suit at the moment. Once he had made sure you had made it into your room, and we’re settled on the bed, he knocked on Spencer’s door.

Reid opened the door, slightly confused as to why Morgan was knocking on his door at 2 am. “Yeah?”

“Fix this. Whatever it is that’s going on…” Derek felt bad for Reid, he really did, but he was not about to condone whatever shitty behavior Reid was on right now. “I’ll see you in the morning, pretty boy.” And with that, Derek placed your room key in Spencer’s hand, and then went into his own room.

Spencer stared at the key, not really sure what to do, but eventually he found himself opening your door, and called out your name.

You were draped dramatically over the toilet, a renaissance painting if you would. You let out a groan, regretting the last two shots of….something you don’t really remember. You heard Spencer toe off his shoes and make his way into the bathroom.

“Oh honey…” he whispered, sitting down next to you.

“I’m so mad at you.” You whispered into the toilet, clearly too drunk to let your filter cover anything you felt. “Like.” You hiccuped and groaned. “You called me a whore in front of all my friends, knowing it wasssn’t true..and then after a week of me”–another hiccup and groan again– “helping you and holding you….you push me away like you don’t even love me.”

If Spencer could see your face, your eyes would have melted him on the spot. But he didn’t need to see your eyes to hear your voice crack.

“I’m sorry sweetheart.” He whispered, hesitantly putting a hand on your back, rubbing his thumb up and down.

“That feels good but I’m still mad.” You grumbled. After a quick inhale, “No.”

“No, what?”

“No, I'm gonna throw up. Fuck. Oh god I hate it Spence it tastes so gross. No no no.” You mumbled, sitting up on your knees, forehead on your arms as you coughed into the toilet.

Spencer sat up with you, kissing the back of your head, fully rubbing your back. “It’s okay baby, it’s okay. Let it out.”

“Shut up. No.” You mumbled, the pet name making your head even more dizzy than before. “I refuse to vomit.”

You kept coughing, doing your best to not vomit, really really trying so hard.

Spencer cooed your name. “The sooner you throw up, the better you’ll feel.”

“That sounds like a lie the government made up.” You grumbled into the toilet.

Spencer laughed at you, still rubbing your back.

“God you probably think I’m so fucking ugly.”

Spencer shook his head, forgetting you couldn’t see him. “No. No. I promise baby. I still think you’re the prettiest FBI agent on the planet.”

“Is there some CIA agent I need to worry about?” You joked before shaking your head. “Don’t look at me Spence. I’m gonna vomit and it’s gonna be so ugly and you’ll never ever want to kiss me ever again.”

“Okay well that’s not true.”

“Promise me you want, wait no, won't watch.” You mumbled, your breaths becoming shorter.

“I promise, I promise.” He rubbed your back as you vomited, absolutely breaking his promise, making sure you didn’t choke or pass out or worse.

Once it was over you let out a groan. “Mother fucking Christ. My mouth tastes so bad.”

Spencer flushed the toilet for you and handed you some toilet paper for you to wipe your mouth with. “Thank you.”

Spencer kissed your head again.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been home.” You mumbled, resting your head on your arms, face in the toilet bowl again. “It just feels like you didn’t want me home.” You whispered, and if not for the echo of the toilet bowl, Spencer was almost certain he wouldn’t have heard you.

“I always want you home.” He kissed your head, reaching for one of your hands to make you look at him, causing you to tilt your head, still laying your head on your arms.

“Full disclosure?”

Spencer nodded at you, kissing your hand.

“No Spence, I need to hear you say it.”

“Full disclosure.”

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on or are you going to make me make you admit to me what’s been happening.” You sighed.

Spencer looked down, fiddling with your hand, staying silent.

“I did talk to Hotch about you.”

He looked up at you, eyes mixed with emotions flashing between hurt, shame, embarrassment, but you saw a moment of relief, an exhale, somewhere in there.

“He and Gideon have their own theories about it, Spence but ...whatever it is, I want you to come to me, I want you to talk to me about it. I’m only going to leave if you push me away.”

“When Tobias would, uh, appear…” you nodded, letting him continue. “He would uh, he would…”

“Dilaudid?”.

Spencer nodded.

“You know you’re—please hold.” You mumbled, and you started coughing again.

“What did Morgan give you, my god.” He mumbled.

“I drank of my own accord thank you very much.” You grumbled, not exactly thrilled at your predicament either.

Spencer pursed his lips.

Tobais Hankel had a gun to his head, ready to end his life, and all Spencer could think about was you. Your face, your hair, your hands, your lips, you. In his last moment, he didn’t want to see Hankel, he wanted to see you.

But then he saw the flashlights, heard the rustling, and you were coming to him. God he couldn’t wait to be in your arms, he couldn't wait to sleep in your arms.

He quickly overcame Tobais, snatching the gun from him, and eventually shooting him. He heard Hotch’s voice, he heard the running, he heard Tobais as he died in front of him, but he couldn’t hear you.

The team helped him up, helped him walk away, but why weren’t you with them? The cars were empty, no one inside of them. The only answer he had received from hotch was that you had been ordered to stay behind but why didn’t you fight for him?

Only when the car pulled up to the police station did he watch as you shoved your way through the doors and some officers, eyes scanning quickly across the three black SUVs, not knowing which one he was in.

Your hand never left your neck, breathing quickly, analyzing all of the faces that came out of the cars, watching and hoping they would have him. He watched as you became more and more anxious, not seeing his face.

Suddenly, Gideon opened the door for him, and helped him out the car. Blood stained his pants, dirt covered half of his body, and he was sure he smelt like fish guts and death, but the way you whispered “oh thank god” when you saw him, made him feel a million times lighter.

Your arms were around his torso right as he heard the car door slam shut, causing him to jump at the contact and the noise. He felt the tears coming to his eyes, and your tears on his chest.

“I watched you-you…” You whispered, holding him tighter, as if letting him go meant he would disappear forever.

“I know, I know. I lo–”

“Spencer?” Your eyes were scanning his face. “You went quiet on me.”

His eyes snapped back to you, feeling the cool tile beneath his hand as he exhaled. “Sorry. Just…thinking.”

“That’s never been too hard for you before.” You snorted, giggling at how absolutely hysterical you were.

Spencer rolled his eyes. “Thanks sweetheart.”

“You’re so welcome Spence.”

He watched as your eyes started to close, body slumping as you struggled to stay conscious.

“Let’s get you to be yeah?”

You mumbled something he would only assume was “no” and peeled your head off of the toilet anyways.

Getting you to abandon the toilet and back into your bed was one of the hardest things Spencer Reid has ever accomplished. The bed was way too warm, and not as cool as the tile floor, causing you to mumble profanities at him the whole time, fighting against his help. You also were starting to doze off, meaning Spencer couldn’t fully walk you to bed, causing you to grumble even more at the fact that you had to be standing, and moving.

Once you were horizontal on the correct surface, Spencer went to speak to you, but you were no longer conscious, drifting off to sleep the second your head hit the pillow.

He kissed your forehead, and headed towards the door, a smile on his face as he heard you mumble those three little words.

“I love you too.” He whispered back, turning off the lights and closing the door behind him.

Maybe all of this wasn’t irrevocably damaged, maybe he wasn’t irrevocably damaged, and maybe, he could fix this.

Next Part

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A/N: no one has ever wanted to be tagged in my work before so I’m HONORED. Im absolutely willing to add more people to be tagged in this mini series if anyone else wants to be! but this is for you girl boss <3

@raely-study

#x reader #spencer reid #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid angst #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid oneshot #spencer reid x reader angst #spencer reid x reader fluff #criminal minds fanfiction #dr spencer reid x reader

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criminalmindswhore · 1 year ago

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Family Affair - The Smile of a Child

TW: the word whore, child abuse, past relationships, murder, violence, adultery

Authors Note: The title of each of the chapters is a song title, happy listening.

PS: This chapter is named after the song Reid played with the little boy in an episode.

There was an awkward tension in the air as we exited the room and into the hallway. She stopped out of sight from my sister, but not the team. She turned and looked at me arms crossed, "Y/N, we haven't spoken since that night and I need to clear the air." You fidgeted with your hands not looking at her. You took a calming breath trying to force the tears in your eyes away. You looked up at the light and blinked a few times. "I'm sorry Amber, I didn't mean to hurt you. I just needed a clean cut from this place, obviously, it didn't work but I never planned on coming back here," you spoke as calmly as possible, memories of that day ringing in your ears. "You didn't need to end it that way, but I'm sure you know that now. We've both grown and matured." She chuckled at the stupid ways you both had as teenagers. You didn't speak, eyes still fixed on the ground. "Y/N look at me please," she pleaded knowing it was the only way to get you to talk to her.

Spencer saw the two of you and noticed your body language, "Emily, is there Y/N okay?" Emily turned on the desk she was propped on to look at you, she knew you probably had a lot of ghosts here. She noticed how you fidgeted, and how small you looked. She's never seen you so small, "I'm sure it's probably about her parents." She had an inkling it was more but she didn't want to assume. Spencer nodded before continuing on about the statistics of murders in small towns like yours. Emily tried to focus on him, but she was worried about you.

"Amber I said horrible things to you that night. You didn't deserve any of that. I was angry at my parents, at the world, at everything. I didn't want you to be here anymore either, or Kate," You paused to look away from her eyes for a moment to keep from crying, guilt washing over you. "I'm sorry I called you that." The word rang in your head louder than the station's noise and clatter, whore whore whore whore whore. "I forgave you a long time ago, that's what I wanted to tell you Y/N. We were kids, you were leaving your sister in an impossible situation. Y/N I think that's why he took their," she didn't want to say it, so you nodded, "Should I tell them or you?" You smiled, she always knew how hard it was for you to talk about it. It made you feel a little warm knowing after all this time and change, she still knew you somehow. "I can tell them, just be there for me?" Amber smiled widely at you. She pulled you into a deep hug, shocking Emily. You hated being touched but you just sank into her grasp, resting your head in the crook of her neck. Emily watched as Amber's hands sat lower than friendly. A twang of pain hit her heart. You pulled from Amber wiping the stray tear that escaped, "Let me tell Kate that I'm going to go help the team. Could you call our grandmother to come be with her?" Amber was taken aback, "You're sure?" You shook away the chill that crept up your spine, "Yeah, I don't want her alone right now. Just because my relationship with the woman is ruined doesn't mean she's not still Kate's Nana."

"Alright, Y/N whenever you're ready." Hotch gave you a reassuring nod. You stood in front of the team, Amber beside you. They all sat around a table in the privacy of a conference room. You looked at their faces before starting. "I am going to tell you guys a lot of information so be ready. It's a lot and I know it won't change your perception of me. I trust you guys and it's vital for this case." They all nodded giving you reassuring looks. You opened up the can of worms you left untouched on a shelf for a decade, fuck this. Amber could sense your nervousness and gave your shoulder a squeeze. "My parents were horrible to Kate and I growing up. They were the kind of parents where nothing was good enough to please them. This led to a lot of screaming, belittling, and hitting. I remember one day in particular when I placed second in the state track meet. My parents were pissed and the second we got home all hell broke loose, they went off on me. My dad threw me into the fridge so hard it left a dent." The team looked at you with nothing but sadness and pain for you. You had to look away, "Amber, sorry, Detective Jones and I, think that's why the hands are gone. They can't hurt us anymore. That narrows it down a lot because barely anyone knew about it. Everyone knew my parents were strict with us, but every parent in this town is. You almost have to be with how easy it is to fall into bad habits." I winced remembering the summer I fell off the wagon and how hard Dad hit me when he found out. "Y/N, we need to know everyone who knew," Hotch spoke in a gentle tone, I nodded. Amber laid her hand on my shoulder, "I'm on that list." She stepped to stand closer to me, and Emily noticed immediately. The team took this information and started looking at the case again. You sat down at the table and wrote down 5 names,

1. Amber Jones

2. Gloria Y/L/N, your Nana

3. Mildred Jones, your Mom's best friend

4. Pastor Brown, the pastor at your church

5. Paul Brooks, your Dad's best friend

Hotch took the list and stepped out to call Garcia. The rest of the team left you alone with Amber, you just sat there still and quiet. Amber sat in the chair beside you and grabbed your hand. It felt natural to have her comfort you again, you missed her, but not in the way she obviously missed you. You let her comfort you though, you were allowed to be selfish right now, right?

Just as you felt yourself coming back to the ground, your Nana walked into the station demanding to see you. Your world felt so odd, 10 years ago you left this place with no intentions of returning and now you were about to speak to Gloria. You let go of Amber's hand and walked out of the room. The second she saw you, she ran to you throwing her arms around you, "Oh sweetie I missed you." You didn't hug her back. Her whole demeanor shifted when she saw Amber follow you out of the room. She let go of you and readjusted her purse on her shoulder, "I see you still haven't come to your senses." Her voice was full of venom. "Gloria, please not now. Please." You pleaded with her, the death of your parents was enough, you didn't need her homophobia. She stared into your eyes, you looked hollow. She left you alone and went to search for Kate. Amber patted your back before following her to question her. Emily was quick to take her place, but never touched you. You were grateful. She smiled at you, "Wanna go get some air?" You let out a breath you didn't know you were holding in. "Yes please, I didn't think this would be so much for me." She followed your lead out of the doors and out into the sunshine.

The town was quiet, with a few people walking their dogs. You started down the block knowing this place like the back of your hand. Emily stuck her hand in her back pockets. You took a deep breath smelling the town you had not missed for one single second, "I never thought I would be on this street again. Nothing ever happens here." Emily's interest peaked, "Nothing?" You giggled, "A couple of teenagers caught in the backseat of some vandalism, but never this." You turned to look at her over your shoulder, "The last murder was in 1974, a wife caught her husband cheating and chopped off his you know what." Emily laughed out loud, "Sounds like he deserved it." Your mouth hung open before you smacked her arm, "Emily Prentiss! You can't say things like that!" You laughed, and Emily smiled widely at you. "There's that laugh." You came to a stop outside the local sports bar and turned around to stand in front of her. She always had a way to make you feel better, Amber just made you feel everything more. Emily was the light in your dark, dark mind, "Thank you for taking me out of there. I feel like I can breathe. My Nana and I haven't spoken in 10 years." Emily's brows furrowed, "That's the first time you've called her Nana and not Gloria." Your smile faltered, "Yeah, I always wanted a relationship with my grandparents but after they found out about Amber and I kissing at church, that wasn't a possibility. They even tried to send me away." Emily shivered, knowing the pain. "You're not alone Y/N, ever. You can always talk to me, I might relate more than you know." Your eyes snapped to hers, a pain now visible in them. "Em-" "Y/N, it's okay. I'm okay." She knew you were going to apologize, Amber could never guess what you were going to say. You gave her a small smile. "Ready to head back?" You shook your head, pulling her into the sports bar, "You have to try Paul's wings. Honestly, it's probably the only thing I can think about eating. I ate her almost every night after getting yelled at by my dad." Emily laughed at you being excited over wings.

"Paul!" You leaned against the bar, Emily standing beside you. A goofy smile on her face at how you went from crying to smiling. "Y/N! Welcome back kiddo!" A burly man appeared from the back and came around the bar wrapping you in a bear hug, the kind of hug a dad gives you. He kept his hands on your shoulders and looked at your face, concern written all over his expression, "How are you doing Goose?" Emily quirked her eyebrows, "Goose?" You laughed and looked at her, "I had a tendency to attack unprovoked when I was a kid because I was always angry, for obvious reasons." You turned back to Paul, "I'm doing okay. Being back here has been the worst part honestly. I never wanted to come back and now I'm gonna see every familiar face due to the circumstances." You wiped your hands on your pants, Paul sensed your closed-off manners and went back behind the bar. "Do you want your usual?" Your jaw dropped, "There's no way you remember my order Paul it's been 10 years." He laughed and you two spoke at the same time, "6 buffalo wings with tot and extra ranch. No celery." All 3 of you laughed. This sense of familiarity felt like a breath of fresh air in a place it's hard to breathe. Paul disappeared into the kitchen and Emily tapped your shoulder, "Are we splitting 6 wings?" Shit. "Paul make it 12 wings!" He shouted back in the affirmative. "Sorry, my head is everywhere." You gave her a nervous smile, "Y/N, don't apologize for anything right now. There is a lot going on right now, you are here of all of places." She grabbed your hand, her skin as soft as feathers. You gave her a thankful smile.

After scarfing down your wings you and Emily returned to the station where things were heating up. You walked in to see your grandma yelling at Hotch. "I don't care what you're saying, your actions are showing agents not doing anything." You sighed and approached them, standing beside Hotch making it very clear what side you were on here. "Gloria, it takes time to figure out who it is. We can't just go and question every single person in this town, it could spook whoever did this into fleeing or acting out. For your safety, this team's safety, and the safety of innocent people, we have to take more time figuring out who to talk to," Her face fell and she stared into you, "Please, go back with Kate and wait. I know it's frustrating, I know it seems like we aren't making progress but we are the best at what we do." Gloria took a ragged breath and stormed off. "Hotch I'm sorry, she's a pain." Hotch rubbed your shoulder, in the most boss way possible, "Don't worry about it. Why don't you and JJ go talk to Kate and ask if she's noticed anything going on? Reid and Rossi are at the scene right now."

"Kate, have you noticed anything weird going on with the parents?" Kate shook her head, "No, they've been doing the same routine. No new names or faces." JJ spoke up, "Has there been someone they weren't close with in the past that they've been seeing more recently?" Kate looked up at you, "Um, yeah. Amber was at the house last week." You looked out the window at her, "Did they ever say why?" JJ's voice was soft, "They said she was looking for Y/N for them, trying to figure out where she worked now. They used her to keep up to date with her." A chill ran down your spine, why did they care all of a sudden? They could've just called. JJ looked at you, "Y/N do you think she could be responsible for this?" You looked back at her, "No, she wouldn't hurt a fly." She never even hated you for what you did. "Kate, have you noticed a shift in behavior in any of your parent's friends?" Paul immediately came to mind. Paul was the only one of their friends who ever saw an issue with how they treated you two. "Paul, my dad's best friend got really distant when I moved out. It was almost like he put on a front with them until Y/N and I both moved out." You smiled at Kate, trying to comfort knowing it's not easy to talk about their parents in general, but especially now. "Okay, Kate one more question. Did your parents have any work done on the house and have people in and out?" Kate nodded, "They were renovating the upstairs rooms. Dad wanted an office and Mom wanted a craft room. They had people in and out for a couple of weeks now." JJ stood up, "Thank you, Kate." JJ left the room, you sat there for a moment lingering. "Y/N, can you be honest with me? Do you think this was a stranger?" You sighed, "No." You left the room and met with the rest of the team in the conference room. "This wasn't a stranger and I hate to say it but I think it was Paul." Your tone was cold, with no emotion in your voice. It made the whole team look at you with concern, "Please don't, I am fine." Morgan went to speak, "Derek, don't." You picked at your fingers. "Okay, Paul?"

After hours and hours of looking at Paul's movement the day your parents died, Hotch sent you away to go rest. The team wasn't going to rest until they solved this, but Hotch knew it was an emotional day for you. "Hotch I'm fine." He raised an eyebrow at you, "Go find a couch, go take a a nap." Emily butt in after him, "I promise, I'll wake you if anything happens." You knew by the way she and Hotch looked at you, that you were not going to win this. You peeked in on Kate who was sleeping before finding a couch in the corner. Amber soon found you, "Do you need a blanket?" You lay down and shook your head. She left you alone but not before she rubbed your head for a moment. The comfort felt nice but it wasn't the person you wanted to comfort you.

You wanted Emily. Almost as if you were thinking out loud, she appeared. Sitting by your feet, "Do you need anything?" She had the sweetest look in her eyes and you felt yourself warm up from it alone, "Can you hold my hand?" She nodded and adjusted to sit comfortably around you, she grabbed your hands and traced shapes with her other. The warmth from her hand and her perfume brought you enough comfort to close your eyes. She whispered something as you fell asleep, but you couldn't hear her as exhaustion took over.

You woke up to Reid calling your name, "Y/N we found something but we need your help." You shot up immediately and found the team standing around the corner. "Y/N did Paul ever mention a relationship with your mother?" You came to a full stop, "What? Like an affair?" Morgan nodded. "I mean I don't think Paul would do that, but my mom having an affair wouldn't be surprising. Paul is one of the best people, I've always loved and trusted him." Reid shifted, his tell. "What did you find?" You glared at him, he would be the easiest to break. "We found pictures on an online forum of Paul and your mom kissing in the sports bar." Decades of trust you've built with that man shattered. "Mom cheated?" Kate spoke from behind you, Gloria beside her. You didn't even turn to face them, "Yeah, she did." Gloria cursed, "That whore, cheating on my son." Your jaw tightened. "Don't call her that." Gloria took a step towards you, you could feel everyone's eyes on you. "What was that?" You finally turned to face her, "Don't call her a whore. Your son abused all 3 of us. He got so into her head that she started hurting us too. God forbid she have an ounce of happiness before she died." She was silent, she knew you were right. "Kate let's go get some food." She walked out, Kate following behind her. Emily laid a hand on your shoulder, "We know Paul didn't kill them now Y/N. He wouldn't kill the woman he was with." You nodded.

You looked at Hotch, "I think Amber killed them." You spoke quietly so that none of the officers overheard you. He crossed his arms over his chest and thought for a second, "Everyone in the room, Y/N explain."

#emily prentiss fanfic #criminal minds #emily prentiss x reader #emily prentiss #criminalmindsxreader #aaron hotchner #spencer reid #jennifer jareau #derek morgan

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stephsycamore · 9 months ago

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I'm on s5 ep18 the fight and i hate this stupid ass episode and it being a backdoor pilot is also stupid as hell. This whole other team of bau agents made up on ex cons and non americans??? What the fuck??? The existence of this like other super rogue edgy bau team is so dumb. I also hate the british man flirting with emily. I'm glad she hates him he's so annoying

I have never watched suspect behavior and i dont think i will. I think it seems stupid

Like why in a universe where strauss is always on hotch's ass about doing things the right way and procedure and whatever would there be this whole other team under strauss that just does whatever the fuck they want

And this whole other team can just hire whoever they want?? One of the major plots in the main series is how hard it is to get into the bau? That they all rise through the ranks and work hard to get where they are?? I know like technically reid and garcia kinda bypass normal channels, but their recruitments are also not outside the realm of possibility lol

#criminal minds #spencer reid #emily prentiss #penelope garcia #cm 5x18 #erin strauss

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fandom-imagines-stories · 1 year ago

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Interventions Part Two

Season Two Episode Seven

Dr. Spencer Reid x Reader (Aaron Hotchner’s Sister)

Words: 4430

Series Masterlist

Summary: Derek brings the reader back to the BAU after a tenuous reunion. The people who love her band together to mend her broken spirit.

Notes: Alright, here is the second half of one of my favorite episodes I think I’ve had the idea for. Exploring the relationships with every character is something I’ve always wanted to do and I’m so glad I was able to do it here.

Alcoholism, suicidal thoughts/actions, depression, PTSD, etc. (I told you guys in the last one, so ye have been warned)

You felt that it should have worked by now. That you should feel new and better and unbroken. But even as Derek pulled the car into the parking garage, all you could feel was the coldness of the concrete, the depth of the sunless dark corners, as if your mind were melding with the space outside of you. It was stupid. You’d spent so long studying the human mind and yet you still expected to magically feel like everything was fine the minute you stepped into the building.

But you didn’t.

Instead, that crushing weight of panic on your chest crumbled into numbness. A defense, you thought, to force yourself to keep walking in those doors.

You didn’t see them. Only a glimpse. Derek walked you right to Penelope’s den of an office without so much as stopping to check in with the others.

In the glass of the window, you saw your reflection.

Gaunt was the only word that came to mind.

You didn’t remember putting the scarf around your neck and yet the shock of purple broke up the blankness of the rest of you, from your face to your jacket. Like you were burying yourself but the memory of him wouldn’t let you completely.

Stop analyzing yourself, Y/N.

Is this how it felt to lose your mind? Is this how your mother felt when she stirred that poison in with the sugar?

Empty?

“Garcia’s going to sit with you for a bit while I talk to Hotch,” Derek said.

“Can’t we just get this over with so I can go home?” You knew the real reason you were here was for them to figure out if you were a risk to yourself or others. The BAU’s version of suicide watch. “There are some things that still need to be taken care of. Come on.”

You glanced over your shoulder again, hoping and dreading you’d see him. Either of them. But you didn’t.

Derek opened the door.

Penelope

The head of puffy blonde hair whipped around as soon as the latch clicked. Penelope shut off her screens, but you still caught glimpses of your info displayed on several monitors.

“Oh my god, you’re here,” she exclaimed. “I-I was so worried we wouldn’t find you. But you’re here and you’re okay and-”

“Penelope,” Derek said firmly.

“Right, sorry. Deep breaths.” She stood up and opened her arms. “Is it okay if I hug you?”

“Yeah, Penelope. You can hug me,” you laughed, but only slightly. The other woman pulled you into her arms and you felt a slight spark in your chest cut through the numbness.

“You okay if she stays in here while I go talk to everyone?” Derek's eyes conveyed a plan and she nodded in understanding.

“Yeah, of course. I’ll make us some tea. Do you want tea?”

“I’m okay, thanks.”

Derek looked at you one more time and you felt something pass between you. Whether it was thanks or dread, you couldn’t tell. He closed the door behind him.

“I have snacks around here somewhere. You’re probably starving.” Penelope rummaged through her drawers. “Have a seat. Make yourself at home.”

You did as she said, but didn’t say anything. You were still imagining the two men in the other room. What were they thinking? What were they talking about? Were they angry? Relieved? Did they wish you’d just stayed vanished?

“Hey,” her sweet voice cut through the trance of negativity. You blinked and refocused on her face. “I’m not going to ask if you’re okay because that’s a stupid question.”

You just looked at her, blankly, not even nodding to understand you understood, but somehow she knew you did.

“I don’t know if Reid ever told you, but I almost died last year. It would have been around when you guys started seeing each other, but before you and I met. I was shot by a guy I went on a date with. I thought he liked me, but he was just using me because of this whole other thing.”

You remembered Spencer talking about his friend being in the hospital, but you had no idea it was something like that.

“Penelope, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“It’s okay.” Her lips tugged to a sad smile. “I survived. Just like you did. Not that we went through the same thing, of course, but I just thought you should know that about me. Anyway, where was I going with this? Oh, right.” She put a hand on yours. “I’m not going to tell you everything is going to be okay. I’m not going to tell you that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel or something else cute and cliche like that. I’m just going to tell you three words that you can take however you need to.”

She watched you from behind her colorful frames. Somehow, even in the darkness of the moment, she radiated the same light she did when you met her, warm and bright. Penelope’s grip tightened gently.

“We love you.”

Something beneath your ribs jerked.

You pulled your hand away. “I know that.”

She shook her head sadly. “I don’t think you do.”

“Penelope-”

“We love you.”

“What are you doing?”

“We love you.”

Each time she said it, it was like searing shards cutting into your chest. No. The numbness. It protected you. She was breaking it down, burning it up.

“Stop it.”

“Y/N,” she cried. A tear slipped down her cheek. “We. Love. You.”

It didn’t make any sense, the power of those three words. The repetition, like a spell consuming your thoughts. You couldn’t move. You couldn't. even speak. Your lip only trembled with the sobs threatening to escape.

She patted your hand. You didn’t remember her holding it again.

“I’m going to go get you that tea now, okay sweetie?” She stood and stopped at the door. “Think about what I said. I mean it.”

Thankfully, she didn’t say it again. The click of the door echoed through the room. Or maybe just in your head. You couldn’t tell.

Reid jumped to his feet. Morgan entered Hotch’s office with a graver expression than he left with.

“Where is she? Is she okay? What happened? What did she say?”

“One question at a time, kid,” Morgan said. He corrected himself. “Reid.”

Hotch stood. “What is it?”

Morgan looked between the two of them and swallowed. “She’s here. I wanted to bring her here in case…”

“In case you thought she’d kill herself,” Aaron finished, closing his eyes.

“From what I could figure out,” Morgan said, speaking slowly, “she isn’t currently suicidal. She thinks she needs to be stopped, even if that means her death, but I don’t think she’ll take her own life.” He exhaled, hating the feeling of helplessness in his heart. “But she is hanging on by a thread, Hotch.”

The three men all looked at each other, each of their hearts filled with love and terrible worry.

In Penelope’s office, you sat and waited for her to come back. The effect of her words still lingered in you, the tearstains on your cheeks as proof. You tried to fight it off with the anger you’d reserved for yourself.

“I get it,” you called out. “She’s good cop. You're bad cop.” You started pacing back and forth. Your eye caught Penelope’s row of trinkets on her desk and revoiced those three little words that drove you mad. “If we’re playing this game, you might as well come out, Morgan! Come on. Let’s get it over with!”

Still, nothing but silence. It was too much for you. You slammed your hand on her desk.

“Damnit Morgan, come back here!”

The door handle turned. You took a deep breath that hitched in your throat when he stepped inside.

Spencer

You stumbled back, hitting your leg on the desk corner. You leaned against the wooden surface to keep from falling.

“You’re not Morgan,” you managed to blurt out.

Spencer’s lips formed a thin line and he nodded. “And you don’t usually call him that.”

You hadn’t even realized you’d made the switch. You tried to shrug it off, an attempt to resemble something nonchalant.

“I’m probably just detaching,” you said. “My mind’s way of dealing with being here, maybe.”

“That would make sense.” He made the same face, with the same nod.

Neither of you said anything, the tension of the room succumbing to that all too familiar awkwardness.

“So…” Spencer started. “Are you going to start calling me Reid?”

You laughed, shaking your head. “I don’t think I could.”

“That’s good because I would hate it.” His lips tugged at a smile. He stepped towards you. You skirted away, knocking over one of Peneolope’s decorations. He stopped.

“I have something for you,” you said, moving to your jacket hanging over the chair. You pulled the soft purple scarf out of the pocket and jutted your arm out to him. “I’m sorry I took it.”

He didn’t move for a moment, just staring at your outstretched hand and the article of clothing. You stared at it, too, looking anywhere but his eyes. Those big, brilliant eyes that were filled with questions and guilt and pain that you caused.

“I didn’t even realize it was gone,” he whispered, finally. Spence reached for the scarf. His fingers danced across your palm. It ignited something, a new burning to go along with the embers Penelope left in your chest.

You jerked away and sat down, keeping your eyes planted on the turned-over trinket on the desk.

Spencer set the scarf aside and rocked back on his heels.

“Did I ever tell you about Phillip Dowd?” He asked.

You finally looked up at him, if only to show your confusion. “What?”

He took a seat across from you. “Four years ago we investigated a long-distance serial killer that suffered from Hero Syndrome. When we narrowed it down to Dowd, he took the entire E.R. hostage, including me and Hotch.”

You watched him and vaguely recalled Aaron telling you something about the incident at the time. You remembered him talking about the agent he was helping renew his right to carry and how the young man had saved his life and the lives of all of those people.

“I killed Phillip Dowd,” Spence said. “I shot him in the head with the gun I got from Hotch’s holster. I had just turned 24 and I had never killed anyone before.” He looked down at his hands. “I remember being scared because I didn’t feel anything at first. I thought there had to be something wrong with me. I mean, I literally just ended someone’s life and I didn’t feel anything.”

“Spence-” you started, but your voice caught in your throat.

He continued. “On the plane back, Jason Gideon sat across from me and he told me, ‘Not knowing how to feel, that’s not the same thing as not feeling anything.’ He said, ‘This is going to hit you and when it does, there are only three facts you need to know.’” Spencer stared passed you as if watching the memory unfold while you felt tears run down your face. “‘You did what you had to do and a lot of good people are alive because of what you did.’”

He stopped, taking a moment to collect himself.

You leaned forward. “What was the third thing?”

His eyes snapped back to your face. His voice cracked as he spoke. “He told me he was proud of me.” Spencer inhaled sharply, the tremble of his breath betraying the sobs he was holding back. “And I’m sorry I never told you that. I’m sorry for never telling you that no matter what happened, you did what you had to do. I’m sorry that I never said I was proud of you for fighting to get back to me, to your brother, when it meant becoming the thing you feared the most.”

Spencer kneeled in front of you, taking both of your hands in his. “I’m sorry that you felt like a killer and I didn’t do enough to help you.”

The lump in your throat stopped you from speaking, not that you could find the words to begin with. Slowly, you slid off of the chair and let him envelop you in his arms.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, feeling the damn beginning to break. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” You muttered it over and over like you were praying. With each crying apology, he returned with three words that shattered you.

“I love you.”

You collapsed against him, hands clinging to the back of his shirt while your arms locked tighter around him.

“You can’t.” You screwed your eyes shut as he pushed back to look at your tear-stained face. “Spencer, I’m… broken. And I don’t know how to put myself together again like I did before. I can’t force you to be a part of that. I can’t be with you if I don’t know how to be me anymore.”

He laid a hand on your cheek. “You aren’t forcing me into anything. I want to help. I want to be a part of your life,” he took a deep breath, “even if that means we can’t be together while you figure things out. I still want to be there for you every step.”

You opened your eyes. “I don’t know how long it would take, or even if I can.”

Spencer flattened your hand against his chest, pressing it to his beating heart. “I can wait.”

“Spence…” For just a moment, you could see who you used to be in his eyes. But then it faded into the future you couldn’t give him.

“Y/N,” he said, “you’re the love of my life. I’m not going anywhere.”

Spencer pulled you back to him, lips pressing a ghost of kiss to your forehead while you melted into each other’s arms. He whispered more sweet things to you and you tried to hold them like coins slipping through your fingers.

With the numbness fully surrendered, you knew what you had to do. And there was one more person you needed to see.

Aaron- Three Years Ago

You sat at your desk, grading papers from your Psych 101 class.

You’d been teaching at a local community college while you continued working on your doctorate. You were even thinking about getting two.

Things were going well. You liked your job, you hadn’t seen or heard from Dr. Calvin in years, and you were eighteen months sober.

Still, the sudden sound at your door made you jump and reach for the box where you kept your gun. Until you heard his voice.

“Y/N, it’s me. Can I come in?”

You stood up straight, head tilted. “Aaron?”

“Hey, I know it’s late but… can we talk?”

You shuffled across the floor in the slippers Haley got you last Christmas and opened the door. Your oldest brother looked awful. His eyes were sunken from not sleeping, harsh lines framed the frown on his lips, and he shivered against the autumn air you welcomed through your open window.

“You look like you could use a drink,” you said. He frowned. “That was a joke, Aaron. Come in.”

Aaron immediately began pacing around your living room, arms crossed and frown deepened.

“Okay,” you said, stepping in front of him. “Spill it. What’s going on?”

You both sat down. He ran a hand over his face and sighed.

“I don’t know how to do this.” He rubbed something with his thumb and you realized it was his wedding ring.

“Did… something happen with Haley?”

“No, it’s not her, it’s…” He turned away from you, hunched over like he was praying. “It’s him.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I don’t know how to not become… him,” Aaron whispered. From the desperate look in his eyes to the trembling in his hands, it didn’t take you long to understand. “How can I become a father when all I’ve known was ours?”

Of course. He and Haley were expecting their first child, your soon-to-be nephew. All this time, you’d been so excited, you hadn’t stopped to think about everything going on in his head.

“Aaron-”

“How many people have I brought in that went through what-what he did?”

“Abuse isn’t a path that everyone walks the same way, Aaron.”

“No,” he took a deep breath. “But it is a cycle. How do I know I’m going to be the one to break it?” The break in his voice sent a pang through your chest.

You took his hand. “Because you are the man that found a fifteen-year-old girl at the darkest moment of her life and you helped her out. You’re the man who faces the worst in humanity every day and still believes in good.” You looked into his eyes with firm reassurance. “You’re the strongest person I’ve ever known, Aaron. And you’re going to be a damn good father. You’re already the best brother I could’ve dreamed of.”

He let his face fall into his hands, taking in everything you’d said while still battling with the gripping fear in his heart.

You laid your head on his shoulder. “You deserve to be happy. Don’t let him take that from you.”

There was a beat, a moment where the world went still as your words won their battle in his mind. He shifted and pulled you into his arms like a drowning man holding onto a life preserver.

Neither of you said anything for a while. He only muttered something against your shoulder and kept holding you.

“I’m so glad I found you.”

They seemed to trust you enough to let you leave with Spencer. He took you back to your apartment and you packed a couple of bags. He stood with his hands in his pockets, trying to keep a supportive smile on his face, when really all he wanted to do was lock you in the room and never let you out of his sight again.

When his phone rang, he wasn’t sure if he was relieved or disappointed. He gave you a nod.

It was time to go.

Spence insisted on walking you to the car and carrying your bags.

“I’m not going to make a break for it, you know,” you teased, trying to get both of you to smile a little. You knew it did nothing to hide the nerves shaking every atom of your body.

He nodded, the corners of his lips lifting just slightly. “I know.”

The two of you descended the stairs with nothing said. You didn’t need any more words. Everything both of you wanted was so close, but the fear in your head wouldn’t let you hold on and you knew that could never be fair to him. And he knew you needed time and he knew he just needed to give it to you.

Outside, there was the car.

And there was him.

You stopped in the doorway, looking out at your brother through the glass. Aaron stood up straighter when he looked up from the pavement and saw you.

“Do you want me to go talk to him?” Spence asked.

You shook your head. Heat in your cheeks burned red with shame under his gaze. “No. If this is going to work, I have to do this.”

Spencer nodded and opened the door.

The late November air filled your lungs and sent a welcome chill over your skin. Fall was on its last breath and winter would be here soon. A time for sleep.

Aaron opened the back seat and helped Spencer with your bags. You turned back to the apartment building. In those walls awaited the life you almost threw away. While you knew you couldn’t just wish things back to the way they were, you knew that that life would still be here, waiting for you when you came back.

If you ever could.

“All set?” Aaron asked. His voice made you jump, the motion making the tears welling in your eyes slip down your cheek.

You hurried to wipe them away. “Seems like it.”

He glanced between the two of you and put a hand on Spencer’s shoulder. The younger agent gave him a look with such pleading sadness he couldn’t help but feel for him. Hotch nodded reassuringly.

“I’ll start the car,” he said, leaving the two of you alone.

You stepped toward Spencer. “Spence… I’m so sorry.”

“‘All of the variety, all of the charm, all of the beauty of life is made up of light and shadow,’” he said.

You smiled. “Is that what this is? Shadow?” You thought it was the train.

“No,” he shook his head, “this is the light. You just have to find it again.” His fingers fiddled with the strings of his sweater to distract him from the sinking in his chest. “And I’ll be there for you until you do.”

You breathed a shaking breath. “Spencer.” With a quiet cry, you through your arms around him.

He enveloped you in a tight embrace, burying his face in the crook of your neck.

“I love you. Nothing is going to change that,” he whispered.

You took everything in from his warmth to his smell to the feeling of his shirt against your cheek. And then you pulled away.

He opened the car door for you and you climbed into the passenger seat. You watched him through the window and mouthed a final ‘I love you’ before Aaron pulled away from the curb.

Aaron- Now

“There are extra towels in the cabinet there and if you want another pillow, there’s some on the top shelf,” Aaron said. His tone was oddly calm like you were visiting for the weekend. He lead you into his office where an air mattress sat in the corner. “I’m sorry I don’t have something better. There’s the couch in the living room, but I thought you’d want the privacy, especially when Jack’s staying-”

“This is fine, Aaron,” you interrupted with an awkward smile. “Thanks.”

“Of course.” He nodded, setting the stack of sheets and blankets on the edge of the mattress. “Let me know if you need anything else.” He started for the door.

“Is that it?” You scoffed.

He stopped and took a deep breath. “Do you want it to be?”

The whole ride here, you’d sat in silence, waiting for his lectures, his worries, and the conditions for living with him. And now he was just saying goodnight as if nothing was wrong?

You leaned back on his desk. “Since when are you so diplomatic?”

Aaron’s gaze darkened and his voice broke. “Since I spent my day picturing my little sister cold and dead and alone on a motel floor somewhere.”

“Aaron-”

“I’m not going to yell at you if that’s what you’re waiting for,” he said. “You aren’t nineteen anymore and I don’t think either of us have the energy for that.” Aaron ran a hand down his face. He was right. He looked exhausted. “I’m glad you’re okay and I’m glad you’re here. I’m going to take some vacation time to help you settle in-”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to.”

The two of you looked at each other without saying a word. Then he said goodnight and left, closing the door behind him.

He walked towards his room, mind racing with pleas to go back and force you to see all of the reasons you were wrong. But he knew he couldn’t. It had to be you. He walked a little slower.

The office door opened, pooling light into the dark hallway.

“Aaron?” You gulped. Your voice was heavy with the sobs you were trying to hold back. He turned around. You stood with your arms hanging limply at your sides and your shoulders shaking.

There, in that doorway, he saw that terrified teenage girl he met what seemed like a lifetime ago.

“Yeah?”

Your words came out as a pleading cry. “I’m scared.”

Aaron wasted no time crossing the space and pulling you into a protecting embrace that kept you standing. You sobbed in his arms and he felt tears of his own fall down his face.

“I am too,” he breathed.

“I-I tried not to feel it. I didn’t want to feel it anymore, but it’s always been there,” you cried. “D-drinking didn’t make her go away like it did before. She’s still there and now she’ll never go away.”

“No,” he said. He pulled away, keeping his hands on your arms to steady you. “She won’t. But how you fight her is up to you.” His hand moved to your cheek and he gave you a small smile. “And you don’t have to do it alone.”

You dabbed at the moisture in your eyes with your sleeve. “But I’ve already hurt all of you. I stopped talking to you. I lashed out at everyone. I abandoned Spencer and now I can’t even stay in our home.”

“Reid knows that this is going to take time for you.”

“What if it’s more than just making him wait? What if I can’t get better?” You asked. “What if I can never be who he deserves?”

Aaron’s brows drew together. “Y/N, is that what this is about? You think you aren’t good enough for him? For the team?”

You looked at the floor. “I don’t know if I can ever give him what he wants. Even if it’s what I wanted with him.” The last part you hadn’t meant to say, but it just came out. You didn’t even realize it was true until the words formed on your lips. You wanted it. You wanted that life with Spencer. But you didn’t know how anymore.

He nodded in understanding. You leaned against the wall, body finally succumbing to the exhaustion you’d been fighting off, and slid down to the floor. Aaron sat next to you.

“I’m only going to say one more thing,” he said, taking your hand in his. Aaron turned to look at you, the caring look in his eyes bringing more tears to yours. “You deserve to be happy. Don’t let her take that from you.”

Your lip trembled from holding back another sob and you closed your eyes, your own words from all those years ago echoing in his voice.

You laid your head on his shoulder, feeling the brush of his lips on your forehead, and finally drifted off to sleep.

The In-Betweens series: @amywright; shesoperfectt; hereforsmutbcicantgetenough; violetbossler; hyper-half-blood; i-bitch-you-bitch; xcastawayherosx; preciousbabypeter; @jori21; @sol-48; @murdermornings ; @ staygoldsquatchling02; @ ara-a-bird

#criminal minds #criminal minds imagines #dr. spencer reid x reader #derek morgan #emily prentiss #aaron hotchner #dr. spencer reid #david rossi #penelope garcia #matthew gray gubler

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