#’yea the butt got bigger’

[fenraheart]

occlusion culling as a term is so 🤓

like. “I have to cull those objects because they’re occluded 🤓” vs “I can’t see them because they’re behind something, so they’re gone. With my wizard powers (math)”

[imnotjaesblog]

Espresso

"Now he's thinkin' 'bout me every night, oh Is it that sweet? I guess so,"

Starring: Starring Jaehyun

GUYS I have been obsessed with this song. Sabrina got me obsessed just like the rest of the world. So of course I wrote a short fic loosely inspired by the song and music video.

Warnings: Smut. Jaehyun is an ass guy. Cursing. Y/n bites Jaehyun's lip and neck. Jaehyun is down bad for Y/n. Y/n is more of a dom but Jaehyun isn't shy.

Words: 5k

MINORS DO NOT READ!!!!!!

Enjoy;)

Breaks up were hard. But not when you’re on a beach in Italy with your friends. The fresh ocean breeze hit your cheeks as you walked along the beach searching for a spot to relax. The waves crashed in the distance. You could see from where you were standing the clear waters. Wrapped in a bathing suit cover-up and towel in hand you had found the perfect place to sit. You dug a small hole for your butt to fit comfortably for when you laid down.

You through the blanket laying it flat on the hot sand. Your friend came to your side. Eyes shielded with sunglasses, the same as yours. She placed the smaller cooler at the end of the blanket holding it down. Another one of your girlfriends appeared placing down two chairs and setting them up. Once she got comfortable beside you that’s when the rest of your friends showed up.

The remaining three guy friends walk towards you guys holding onto more chairs, an even bigger cooler, a speaker, and an umbrella. Doyoung, Jaehyun, and Jungwoo all come to where you lay.

You picked up your sunglasses a bit to get a better look at the boys. Especially the one in the middle. Jung Jaehyun dressed in black swimming trunks and a white tank top. Hair pushed back and eyes framed with black sunglasses. The girls knew you were interested in him. The way you always perked up when he was around. Listening to his stories and laughing at his terrible jokes. You wanted him. But not in a romantic way. If it came to that, that was fine. But you craved him in such a bad way that felt so good.

And you were going to get him.

Jaehyun walked over to where you sat in the beach chair. He smiled at you just after letting Doyoung struggle to set up the beach umbrella. It shadowed over you. You took off your black shades placing them in your beach bag that Jaehyun so kindly carried for you.

“Jae,” you called. He turned to you. “Yea?” He asked. You were about to speak but the other boys started to shout.

“Let’s go!!!!” Jungwoo shouted as he ran to the water. Seulgi placed the speaker at the end of the blanket to keep it from flying. She watched Jungwoo run off. She smiled laughing as he flopped into the water. She briefly turned back to her phone pressing play on a playlist. Espresso by Sabrina Carpenter. She looked over at you and Jaehyun.

"You guys coming?" she asked. You nodded, "In a minute," she nodded Wendy ran up to her side. Linking their arms together and turning away. The two girls that lay on the blanket stood up. They laughed following behind Jungwoo. Doyoung who was just finishing up putting sunscreen over every inch of his body placed the sunscreen down. He ran behind Jungwoo a huge excited smile on his lips.

The two of you watched them run off. You weren’t ready just yet to head to the water. Still taking in the sun and the beautiful man who sat beside you. You leaned back. Jaehyun followed after watching his friends jump into the cool water.

“Y/n,” he called. “Yea?” You asked eyes still focused on the water. He leaned up a bit. “Can I get something to drink?” He asked. You nodded touching his hand a bit. “A Coke for now is fine,” you said. He nodded leaning over to the cooler. He opened it taking out the can. He opened the can for you placing it in your cup holder.

“Jaehyun do you mind doing me a favor?” You asked. He nodded brows raised a bit in interest. You smiled pulling out the sunscreen from your bag. “Can you put this on me? I can’t reach my back,” you said slightly pouting your lips. He nodded taking the cream from your hands. He popped open the cap.

You sat forward standing up to remove the cover-up. You smirked as you undid the tie. Letting it drop and exposing your glowy body to Jaehyun. Body hugged in a brown two-piece bathing suit. Small ruffles at the end create a mini skirt. Your ass still popped out from the bottom but in such a cute way. Your top matches the skirt but could be removed to show more skin.

Jaehyun licked his lips. Eyeing your skin and all he could see was your back. You turned to him waving for him to follow. Moving to the spot you made on the blanket. Laying down arching your back a bit so your butt would perk out as you laid your stomach down. Jaehyun squirted some sunscreen on his palm. Rubbing the white cream together he brought his hands to your soft skin.

He started with your back. Following the curve of your spine. Rubbing into your skin. You closed your eyes a bit. Soft sounds leave your lips. Some were on accident because Jaehyun was doing so well and some were on purpose just to see his reactions. He cleared his throat a bit but continued. Bringing his hands down to your waist. Holding onto your skin. Hesitantly hovering over your plush skin. He looked over at you. You looked so relaxed. He smirked bringing his hands down to your thighs.

Jaehyun wasn’t stupid. He knew what you were doing. For the last week, you have throwing hints at him. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t interested. Every small touch and hug. Even the small pecks you placed on his cheek when you wanted to say thank you or goodbye. Jaehyun had taken each detail piecing them together. He liked the effort you were putting in, in your way. He tried to keep his cool around you but it was getting harder. Every peck he wanted to turn his cheek and kiss you.

When you stayed at his apartment and put on one of his shirts because “yours was dirty” and walked into the kitchen. Lifting yourself to reach something you didn’t even need. A glass cup when he had some placed on the table. No, you wanted the one high up. The one that caused you to stretch and have his shirt lifted. Watching as your black panties exposed themselves to him. It took everything in his power to hold back. He wanted nothing more than to lift you down. Push you up against the counter and take you from behind. Feeling the plush curve of your ass in his palm.

But instead, he grabbed the cup for you. Leaning his front against your back and handed it to you. He could see the slight defeat on your face. He chuckled a bit. He’d eventually have his way with you once you were ready and he was sure you wanted him just as badly as he wanted you.

So he rubbed the sunscreen into your thighs. Hands roaming a bit inching closer between the skin. You could feel the shadow of his hand inch closer to the heat between your legs. Jaehyun flicked between watching you and his hand. He wondered what would happen if let his intrusive thoughts win. Spread you apart, yank your bottoms off, and devour you on the beach. He had to hold back. His friends weren’t too far off. He looked up seeing them all still in the water. Both girls are on top of the boy's backs.

You looked back down at you. “Jaehyun,” you said softly. He hummed in response. He found himself relaxing while touching you. “You can touch me if you want,” you said back. He opened his eyes stopping his moments for a second. He continued quickly not wanting to worry you. “Touch you?” He asked. You nodded turning your head a bit. You held back your smirk.

“You seem hesitant,” you spoke words laced with lust. “Don’t be,” you said back. You turned back letting your chin fall in your hands. “I don’t mind if you touch me,” you said. Jaehyun couldn’t help the groan that left his lips. You finally let your smirk show. Biting back a few giggles. Jaehyun glided his hands up from your thighs and to your ass. He let out a low groan unable to rid of his lustful thoughts. His hands mold your skin and take in every detail. The curve of your ass. The soft plush skin molded so well in his hands. How the sweat formed from the sun. If he smacked your face the droplets would probably hit his skin.

He had to stop. He could feel his dick harden in his trunks. He quickly let go of you. He says back in his heels.

“All done?” You asked tone changing. Sounding very much like he wasn’t feeling you up. That’s the one thing he could never understand about this interaction. How every time you managed to act as if everything was normal. Like his hands on you was nothing out of the ordinary.

He nodded in response gulping. He leaned over picking up your coke can. He brought it to his lips. Drinking most of it. The coke slipped down the corner of his lips. Jaehyun stood up walking away from you but you called him back.

“Jaehyun,” you called teasing tone returning. He sighed wanting to leave before someone called him a pervert. He kept his back to you. Only turning slightly. You picked up the bottle. “You didn’t put any on,” you said back dangling the bottle in your hands. Jaehyun gritted his teeth. His feet dug into the hot sand. He wanted nothing more than to let your hands roam free on his body. But he couldn’t. Not with his friends right there who will probably question the tent in his pants.

He shook his head. He waved it off. “I’m okay. I’ll use the spray Jungwoo has,” he responded. You went to say something but he walked off. He went to Jungwoo’s bag quickly removing his tank and spraying himself. Rubbing the sunscreen into his skin he ran off to the water. He had to clear his mind.

You sat there watching as he ran off. You didn’t care that you couldn’t touch him. You had just enough of what you needed with him touching you. And with the small sounds and curses he was making the entire time you knew you had him. You smiled to yourself as you popped open the bottle to finish yourself off.

———

You had eventually made your way to the water. You removed your slippers leaving them by the blanket. You walked quickly over to the water. The hot sand burning your feet. You sighed in relief when your feet met the wet sand and soon the small waves came in. You could see your friends slashing water at each other. It made you smile as he walked further into the water.

Jaehyun noticed you come in closer. His smile fell a bit as he watched you. Hands floating on the surface of the water. The air in his lungs was trapped. You made eye contact with him. Small smile on your lips. He sent you a half smile before he turned back to splashing Wendy. You scoffed turning to attack Jungwoo.

Jungwoo innocently lifted you. You screamed as he lifted you in the air. Your laughter is caught by Jaehyun. You held onto your nose as Jungwoo through you into the water. You quickly came back up for air. Pushing the front of your soaked hair back and rubbing your eyes. You pushed Jungwoo causing him to fall over. Seulgi laughed at Jungwoo holding onto her stomach. Doyoung chuckled as well before he came back to shore.

You all followed feeling a bit hungry.

You all sat around eating the well-made sandwiches. Wrapped in warm towels and taking in the sun. The sun was just on the horizon when Jaehyun sat beside you. He smiled at you. Small drops of water fell from his hair.

“Towel?” You asked him. Trying to hand him yours. He shook his head. “It’s okay. I’ll dry off,” he said leaning back a bit. He squinted his eyes from the sun that appeared closer. Everyone watched as the sun began to set. You hummed feeling calm as the sky shifted from orange. When the sky was golden Jaehyun looked over at you.

Your skin glowing in the sunlight. The golden hour did you no justice. You looked so beautiful. No amount of light from the sun or moon could capture your beauty. When the sky shifted pink you turned to Jaehyun. Catching him staring at you. You smiled, “You're staring,” you comment. He didn’t even bother to pretend like he wasn’t.

“I couldn’t help it. You’re beautiful,” he said feeling a bit corny. But he couldn’t bite his tongue. He needed you to know how breathtaking you were to him. Your cheeks became a bit warm. You could feel the heart spread throughout your whole body. The towel becoming useless. You slid it off your shoulders. Jaehyun watched as you did.

When the sky shifted to light blue Doyoung stood up to take photos. He walked over to you and Jaehyun asking you to pose. The two of you did and the flash of the Polaroid camera caught you both by surprise.

“Can I take another?” He asked. The two of you nodded. Jaehyun coming even closer to you. Shifting his weight to sit right beside you. Thighs pressing against yours and strong arm wrapping around your shoulder. He pulled you in causing your head to lean a bit to him. You both smiled as the camera flashed. Doyoung handed the two of you the photos.

When the sky became dark blue Jungwoo laid back. Wendy followed and you laid your head on Jaehyun’a shoulder. An innocent act in a search for comfort and warmth. Jaehyun could feel the slight chills on both his skin and yours from the night breeze. He pulled you close as the two of you watched the waves crash.

When the sky turned completely dark you all decided to go back to the hotel. It had been a fun and exhausting day.

You walked into your room closing the door behind you. You made your way to the bathroom quickly undressing and getting into the shower. Once you had freshly showered you stepped out applying the creams and lotions you had left in the bathroom earlier in the day. Once you finished applying every cream to your face and body you stepped out the bathroom towel wrapped around your frame.

You walked over to your dresser pulling out your pajamas. A slip dress that fell just about your thighs. If you stretched upwards almost all your ass would be exposed. You made your way back to the front shutting off the light. Walking back to your bed you pulled back the covers. The sheets feel smooth against your shaved legs. You hummed relaxing a bit before you grabbed your phone. Opening it you noticed a notification from Jaehyun.

Jaehyun- What are you doing?

You- Just got into bed. Why?

Jaehyun- Just wanted to text you.

You smiled biting into your lip. You switched legs underneath the blanket. You let your mind wander. Feeling the ghost of his hands moving around your skin. Mixing with that feeling of waves throughout your body just after leaving the beach. The same waves flow down between your legs. The warmth of his hands so close to where you craved him.

Jaehyun- Are you asleep?

Y/n- No. I was just distracted

Jaehyun- With?

You decided this was another opportunity for you to play.

Y/n- You

…

Jaehyun- Oh really?

Y/n- Yes

Jaehyun- What are you thinking about?

Jaehyun knew what he was thinking about. All the times this whole week you’ve rubbed your ass against him when you passed him by. The blood rushed from his brain to his cock when he palmed your ass on the beach. The image of you lifting yourself on the counter to reach the stupid mug. He could feel himself start to sweat. The same returned and rose throughout his body.

Y/n- What it would have felt like if you touched me as I asked you to?

Now he felt the entire air in the room rise. His breath caught in his lungs. Eyes glued to your texts. Lips parted only licking them to try and regain focus. Failing to do so he couldn’t help but think how you would have felt. Would you have felt soft? Warm? Would you be wet? Would you let him taste you?

Jaehyun- Would you let me touch you if I asked?

Y/n- Would you hesitate?

Jaehyun- Never again.

His change in boldness had gone straight to your heat. Jaehyun had always rejected your touches in the kindest ways. Like he didn’t want to. You assumed that was the case because of the look on his face. His lip caught between his teeth and his eyes shut. Was that how he looked when he fucked? The heat went straight to your legs. You couldn’t wait any longer. You had to go see him.

You stood up walking over to your door. Slipping down in your slippers and robe. You closed your door and let it shut behind you. You walked down the hallway to the door diagonal from yours. You knocked on his door. You could hear some rustling from inside. The door opened exposing you to a desperate Jaehyun. He pulled you inside shutting the door behind you.

Pulling you close to his body and inches his lips to yours. Towering over your frame. You could feel his faint breaths on your lips. You held onto his biceps looking up into his eyes. His hands molding onto your waist. “No worries about our friendship?” You teased feeling him get closer to you. He shook his head.

“I’m not gonna hesitate,” he said lowly placing his lips on yours. Lips connecting and moving together. Soft and passionate his tongue slipped between your lips. Wandering hands moving from your waist to the curve of your ass. Molding the plush skin in his palms. He groaned into your mouth at the feeling of your front pressed against him. He pulled away turning you around. Bringing his veiny hands to your shoulders. Slipping the silly robe off your shoulders. Letting it pool at your feet.

“I can touch you right?” He asked lowly. Whispering in your ear. You nodded just wanting him to continue.

He leaned his lips to your exposed neck. Placing small pecks on your skin. The back of his hand grazed your shoulder. Nails dragging down your skin. Goosebumps rise with the hairs on the back of your neck. “You have no idea how long I’ve waited to do this,” he confessed growl leaving his lips. You smirked hand reaching up to play with the back of his dark hair. “Then why now?” You asked teasingly. “Because I can’t control myself anymore,” he kissed your jaw bringing his lips to your neck.

Bringing his hand further down lifting your dress up and over your head. He removed his shirt letting it fall to the ground. His hands quickly move back to your hot skin. Passing over your breast and to your heat. His tongue sucking on the skin of your neck just below your ear.

He could feel your exposed ass press against his cock. The feeling of your bottom half pantie-less and free. Spreading your legs with his hand. Hands moving to spread your folds. Taking your wetness coating his fingers. Unable to help himself from bringing his fingers to his lips. He sucked onto his digits humming at the sweet taste. How could you taste so good? You moaned at the feeling of his hardness against you. Wanting nothing more than to pull his cock out and have him fuck you in every inch of this hotel room.

He turned your back around. Feeling tortured enough without having you. He wouldn’t make it worse without being able to see you. He took in the sight of you. Pulling you close and lifting you. Wrapping your legs around his waist he walked the two of you to his bed. Laying you flat he kissed his way down. From your lips to your neck. Past the valley of your breast and the skin of your stomach. Sitting on his heels and dipping his head further down. Letting his legs fall straight. Using his hand to hold you down and the other to spread you apart. Spitting on your clit before diving in.

You moaned loudly hands reaching down to grab onto his hair. Gripped his locks and watched as he fucked himself into the mattress. His tongue moved fast against your clit. Moving his head back and forth underneath you. His nose rubbed against your clit when his tongue moved closer to your tight hole.

“Fuck,” you moaned bringing your other hand up to your breast. Toying with your breast. Jaehyun looked up mouth still sucking you dry. Reaching his free hand up to flick your nipple. Squeezing onto the skin. Your hips rutted against his face. He shut his eyes for a bit just taking in your taste and scent. Listening to the soft sounds that escaped your lips. Your back arched once he quickened his pace.

“That’s right baby. You’re doing so well for me,” he praised continuing his assaults on your pussy. Your head fell back. Thighs shaking between his face. You tasted too good for him to stop. Looking up at you and watching you fall apart. You looked too good to stop. He didn’t even notice his hips fucking the mattress underneath him. So lost in the feeling of bringing you to your high he lazily chased his own.

“Jaehyun I’m gonna cum,” you groaned feeling him slip his finger inside you. You could feel the knot in your stomach form. Back arching off the bed. Your hands tugged into Jaehyun’s locks screaming praises and curses.

“Jaehyun,” you moaned again. Your sound’s going straight to his head causing him to speed up. He continued to suck and lick quick circles on your clit. Eyes looking up seeing your entire body squirm under his touch. He smirked against you. “That’s right take it, baby,” he hushed a growl leaving his lips, returning to your pussy.

“Jaehyun I’m coming,” you screamed. Jaehyun picked up his pace bringing you closer to your high. Your entire body shuddered. Your stomach deflating as you released into his mouth. Jaehyun sucked up all of your juice even making sure to lick his fingers once he pulled them out.

Your body laid flat on his bed. Chest rising and falling. He chuckled taking in your sight again. “I’m doing that again,” he said happy smirk on his lips. You sat up pulling him into a soft kiss. You shook your head.

“Not after you fuck me first,” you said placing a hand on his chest from going any further. You pushed him back causing his back to hit the mattress. Grabbing onto the waist of his shorts. He lifted his ass making it easier for you to slide them down. Pealing his boxers back exposing his hard dick. The tip is red from rubbing it against the fabric. Peak cum leaking from the top falling on the trail of his stomach. You licked your lips zoning in on his cock.

Jaehyun watched your chest quickly rise up and down. Waiting for you to do something, anything. You bent down crawling forward and onto his lap. Throwing your leg over and straddling his waist. Since you got rid of that useless boyfriend you had all you could think about was riding Jaehyun’s cock. Even before you wasted your time on that boy you thought about. But something about Jaehyun being there for you was just so hot.

You grabbed onto his jaw having him face you as you aligned his dick at your entrance. His mouth fell open at just the feeling of hai tip ghost under your folds. You leaned down placing a passionate kiss on his pink lips. He kissed you back deepening the kiss. Placing a hand on your waist and pulling you close. You pulled back his bottom lip caught between your teeth. You let his plumped lip fall back into place. He groaned already feeling himself give more and more of himself to you.

Then you pushed his cock into you. The tip passes through your tight hole. His shaft slipped further and further inside you. You were so wet it drizzled down your leg. He could feel some of it getting onto his dick and it drove him crazy. He was tempted to reach down. Pick up the juice and lick it but instead groaned even louder when you bottomed out. You both let out sighs of relief. Jaehyun felt so right inside of you. Your bodies molded together as you tried to find a rhythm that worked for both of you.

Once you did you slowly moved your hips forward. Bouncing on his angry cock. Feeling so full with him underneath you. Getting lost in your own Euphoria Jaehyun reached up pulling you down. Causing you to open your eyes. “Focus here baby,” he said placing a kiss on your lips. You kissed him back until he pulled away. Teasing smirk and a dark look in his eyes.

“Fuck baby you're doing so well,” you praised. His brows furrowed and teeth sunk into his bottom lip. You moaned out loud head falling back. If you knew he would have felt this could you would have fucked him sooner. “Feel so full,” you moaned mouth falling open. Jaehyun groaned even more hearing you moan so loud for him. You smirked reaching down to run your fingers against his chest. Soon finding his neck. Jaehyun wasn’t going to let you choke him. So he grabbed onto you flipping you around.

He needed to be deeper inside you. Spreading your legs further apart. Aligning his wet cock at your entrance and ramming inside you hard. You moaned loudly head falling back onto the pillow. Gripping into the sheets. Mouth falling open unable to speak. Jaehyun’s head fell back. You were squeezing so good around him. Losing his mind inside your tight hole. This would not be the end for him.

You felt just as cold as he imagined. So wet and tight. His dick is warm inside your velvet walls. You continued to squeeze around his cock. He was big and long. Curving inside you and brushing past your sweet spot. You moaned loud eyes widened open and lips formed an o. He smirked enjoying making you fall apart underneath him. All the teasing and longing touches reaching up to now. Now he could finally have his way with you.

But you were in charge. You picked yourself up wrapping your hand around his neck. Fingings lacking with his dark black hair. Pulling onto his hair craning his neck back. He kept his hands on your waist. Fucking deep into your pussy. Leaning down and sucking on his neck. Jaehyun let out a moan. A moan he had been trying to hide.

Sweating pouring down your bodies. The heat picking up between the two of you. Both your shared moans echo inside the room. The bed shaking against the headboard. Both of you are lost in the euphoric feeling.

“You do so good baby,” Jaehyun praised through pants. He couldn’t hold on much longer. He felt himself coming closer and closer to his high. You moaned teeth sinking into his neck. He growled at the feeling of laying you back down. This time not wasting a second. Slamming his dick into hot and heavy. Bringing his finger to his mouth sucking on his digits before he brought them to your clit.

He could feel your juice soaking his dick as you came around him. Squeezing onto him tightly he bit onto his lip. His neck and ears turning bright red as he chased his high.

“Where can I ?” He asked groaning as you squeezed him again unable to control it. You looked up into his eyes. Your eyes glowing with mischief and love. You smirked, “Inside,” you said. Jaehyun could explode. You were so hot. He fucked into you harder. He let out an earthy groan as he spilled himself inside you. His thrust turned slow before he pulled out. Watching as your pussy oozed mixing your come with his.

He licked his lips as he pulled out. Watching your pussy glistening in his dim room. He wanted to ask to take a picture but decided not to. Keeping the memory in his mind.

You laid their fingers grazing over your sensitive skin. Jaehyun stood up walking off into the bathroom. Laying there looking at the ceiling you wore a dazed smile on your eyes with heavy eyes to match. When he returned he held a small towel in his hand. He came to your side unable to hide his smile. His cute dimples are on display. You chuckled a bit as he brought the towel closer cleaning you up.

Once he finished he threw the small towel in the trash. He came to your side pulling you close to him. He nuzzled his face in your neck. After sex, Jaehyun was so clingy you noted.

“It’s shocking to see you this way,” you commented looking a bit down at him. He looked up hand sliding across your exposed waist. He raised a brow cheek mushed against your stomach now. “What is?” He asked small pout. Your hand reached down to go through his hair. He hummed closing his eyes a bit.

“You’re usually glued to your phone. Antisocial,” you joked. He chuckled along with you. He shrugged, “I can’t do that around you. Especially now, I feel like I need to hold onto you so you don’t go,” he teased. You shook your head. Smile on your glossy lips. “I’m not going anywhere,” you said back more as a promise. You leaned up causing him to sit up. You touched his biceps. Eyeing him up and down before you looked back into his eyes.

He groaned, “You're gonna be the death of me,” he said. Causing a dark giggle to leave your chest before he made his way to you.

And like always. You kept him up all night.

End ;)

Thank you for reading this. I wrote this because of the Prada Show where Jaehyun looks absolutely delicious lol.

Thank you for reading!

[slutty-transformation-stories]

Corrupt Girlfriend part 7

Day 6

After not having sex for the past few days, you feel odd.You see Ashley taking a picture.

"What are you doing?"

She playfully responds

"Wouldn't you like to know."

"I would."

"You will see.."

You get ready for work disappointed at all your missing. upon arriving you get on with your work.

Later in the day, you're in a meeting when you decide to text Ashley and head to the toilets.

Hey babe I miss you.

Sorry shes alittle busy right now.

You get a video from your gf..

She doesn't seem to know they took her phone.

"Oh my god, you guys are so big."

"God, I think im in heaven!"

You watch as they use her

yea man I told you shes a total whore

She's good, too.

"fuck you both are so much bigger than him ugh!"

You hear slups and splashes from her mouth and pussy as they fuck her.

The video suddenly cuts off.

Feeling a rush, you finish work early again and get home as fast as you can. You Hear your girlfriend shreeking from the livingroom

"UGhhh Keep fucking me"

"uuh uUHh"

You move to the living room ,You walk in to find your girlfriend being used like a piece of meat.

"YES YES YES"

"You like that bitch?"

"I do I do! Keep going! uGhhh"

You see dicks in both her holes.

They dont notice you.

She starts begging them

"I wanna feel you both filling my pussy! please.."

They flip her around and waste no time giving her what she wants.

"Oh my fucking god I'm cumming again. GUaH!"

They spot you as your girlfriend is cumming on their thick cocks.

"hah looks like we have a visitor."

"Oh Don't mind him just keep fucking me! he likes this.."

She's completely broken.

"Hey man, you wanna turn"

She interjects.

"NO! I wanna feel filled up right now he can go another day.."

"Sorry"

The men shrug it off and start to really get into her.

You notice a butt plug inside her Shes filled.

They spin her around again

This angle really hits her good.

Your girlfriend is sobbing

"Oh god You made me cum again it feels so goo- uuuhhh"

"PLease fill me up. That's all i want! PLEASE!"

"I never wanna go back!"

You watch as all three of them cum hard filling your girlfriend

The men exchange numbers with her and leave.

Ashley is left shaking on the couch

"Let's go to bed baby you earned a reward."

You carry her upstairs and place her onto the bed. Ashley then presents herself to you.

"I know you haven't got it in a while, so here is your chance."

You cock is hard as a rock already leaking from the show you just witnessed.

Her pussy is full of cum and cream still pulsing from the pleasure.

You enter.

As you fuck her their cum leaks from her pussy

"Can you feel their cum?"

She moans

"It's the perfect lube right?"

You shamefully stay silent.

But her words make you want to cum.

"You like watching other men own me, right?"

"making me there bitch."

Shes turning herself on.

Her Pussy tightens.

"yes"

"fuck me harder like they did."

"fuck me like a whore!"

She's really getting into this.

You pick up the pace but immediately start to cum.

"Oh i'm cumming HUhh"

"fuck fuck me too!"

"Well, I hope you're satisfied. Have a good night, baby."

You lay there feeling proud and drift off to sleep.

[13leaguestories]

Seben, sweet sweet Seben , how would she feel if her Moran had a bigger booty than her? Secondly is Sebens sexual anatomy different to humans?

Lmfao, I'm dying. Give me a second. I'm just imagining them both comparing their assess in a mirror like:

Moran: You THINK your butt is bigger because of those tight ass pants you're wearing.

Seben: I KNOW my butt is bigger. You have hips, not ass.

Moran: I got both trust me.

Seben: I don't.

But yea, they'd just basically go back and forth because Seben would not allow let Moran win that argument but Seben herself would love it, she loves ass.

And yes, she has human anatomy. Her left side (I believe, whichever side her burn mark rests on) she has a cyborg arm and leg though so that's the only takeaway.

[moonshinenum]

So, yea this took me while to work on the whole family line for Hank Family line with his five kids.

Here I did write more about of the 5 kids of hanks kids:

Joseph Mccoy 

He is the older brother since he is very close with his other siblings, but he mostly butts heads with Hank Jr sometimes thinking who the older sibling since Hank Jr is bigger than his older brother. Joseph did give up being scientist and he decided to become a musician and create his own music and create his own band and became popular in the United Kingdom with his music. Joseph love rock music so much after listen to a lot of British rock music. Joseph does have a girlfriend as well since she is human, but her name is Summer, and that Joseph loves his girlfriend so much and even wrote a song for her. 

Autumn Mccoy 

She is the little sister of Joseph McCoy since she was born in the fall, but she never got along with her older brother or twins that were Hank Jr and quill. But she did join the x men for a while since she want to be superhero and be like her mom since she can open portal to other worlds and travel to different place. But after she got in trouble back on knowwhere that where she met her uncle Kraglin. Kraglin had to keep eye on his niece to make sure she did not get into trouble. Later on, Autumn joins the guardian of the galaxy and travel with them for a while now. 

Hank Jr Mccoy 

He is the first twin brother and his other twin Quill McCoy since he does keep in touch with his twin brother. Hank Jr wanted to be a scientist like his father since he was so festinated about science and space as well. He graduated from his college and kept going on to get his master's degree to finish up his career. Hank Jr is also married since he got married to mutant women named Linda and he settled down with her and had two wonderful kids with her. Hank Jr sometimes butts heads with his older brother Joseph since he tells him you could have not given up your dream and gotten a good job. But he knows Joseph always ignores him, but he knows his older brother cares about him a lot. That he does stay in contact with his family and uncles as well. 

Quill Mccoy 

He is the second twin brother; his other twin is Hank Jr. McCoy since he knows his twin brother sometimes just comes by to check on him or even call him how he is doing. Quill is quiet in his family and there was a time he cut off his whole family since he didn’t want to know them. He was working with Nick Fury and Shield since those were some dark times for him going undercover and giving information to shields. Quil did finally stop shouting out his family after coming across Simon Williams since he knew that was his father's best friend. Simon did talk to quill out of it and that quill started to reopen up to his family and reconnect with his sibling. But he did come good friends with his father friend. 

Esther Mccoy 

Esther is last of his siblings since he still going to school right now and that he wants to become artist because he is really passionate about his work. After he graduate from high school and start college, He is going to go for graphic design since he wants to make logos and create poster as well. Esther does get along with his other siblings but mostly he bonds with his older brother Joseph since he is so happy how he creates music and that he is in a rock band as well. Esther even one time created a logo for Joseph band since he was a big fan of his brother's music at the time. 

But the other thing I want did want to add kraglin in this au because Bren really dose care about her older brother, and he would be good uncle meeting all his niece and nephews since that a lot for him to handle.

There is the other thing why I add wonder man in the family line because I just want to see hank happy bonding with his friend and old lover and getting met his kids who seem to big fan of him as well.

Logan is Bren and Kraglin in this au, but Logan does not know his sister had son since he was just aware that his sister had daughter, but he mostly closes bond with his niece Bren and even got met her kids as well.

Also still working on this x men au since I really do enjoy this family of hanks and how all his children really do care for each other but mostly they stick together as family. Also did have inspiration from Hank and Cecilia Reyes relationship since that is where I got the idea of Hank having a big family. It originally was supposed to be four kids but like hey what happened Bren and Hank fifth kid by accident and that was where they end up with one more kid. But still Hank and Bren mostly have been my favorite shipping. I just love how Bren is feisty and stubborn, and Hank is stubborn as well but the smart and caring guy. That why those two are really good duo together. 

[justannadahfanfictor]

The Queen’s Successor part 2:

Hey guys this is my part 2 to the series of an OC Epic character named Liz or Poppy x another OC Epic character I made (a leafman named Michael). I hope you enjoy it, it’s the most I’ve write in a story before so I hope it turned out alright.

Warnings: angst, slight blood and death

Word count: 7.2 k

6 years later: 3rd person

It was a beautiful summer day. Poppy had been begging her mom and dad the last couple days to bring her to the pond so she could jump on the lily pads. They finally agreed so long as Ronin kept a close eye on her. Tara had work that needed to be done around the palace and couldn’t come with them today. She was jumping as high as she could and then letting the water move her around like a trampoline. She was having lots of fun even just playing by herself giggling as she landed each time. “Look daddy; did you see how high I went this time?” she said smiling. Ronin smiled lightly “Yes princess, but please be careful. you haven’t learned to swim yet.” “Yes sir” she says going back to giggling and jumping until a voice called out to her.

“Princess Liz!” An eager little boy called out as he ran to spend time with his friend. The two had only become friends recently with him coming to the palace a lot more because of his parents being leafmen. His mother has been one of the Princess’s personal guards ever since she was a baby. According to her it was because of her generous efforts the day the Queen was gifted Princess Poppy. “Hi Michael!” She called out excitedly waiting for him to come join her on the lily pads. His father had come to speak to Poppy’s father about the plans they had to expand the borders of Moonhaven in the next moon cycle. Michael reached out and hugged Liz tight when he got onto the lily pad she was on. They began bouncing on the pad while talking to each other.

“How are you and how’s your little brother” the Princess asked. “Nod’s good, getting bigger everyday. And I’m doing great! Dad says if I start working on my shooting and swords skills I can start training to be a leafman in a few years from now” he said with a big grin. “Leafman? But what if you get hurt. They do dangerous stuff a lot.” Poppy said as she stopped jumping. Michael stopped jumping too so he could reassure her. “Well yea, I might get hurt but that’s okay. It’d be an honor to protect the Queen, my kingdom and you of course. I’d make it my duty to look after you, so we can always spend time together!” “As long as you stay my bestfriend too” Poppy said pouting and holding out her pinky waiting for Michael to seal the promise. “Deal” he said linking pinkies with her. “Okay” Elizabeth said going back to jumping. “I bet you I can jump higher than you” she challenged the older boy. “Can not! I’m taller than you” he argued back.

While Ronin and his best friend were slightly occupied with their conversation and catching up, Michael and Poppy jumped at clashing times, sending Michael on his butt but sending Liz off the lily and into the water. “Princess” he yelled out in fear as he dove in after her as she was sinking rather quickly. He swam to her and pushed off the bottom of the pond as hard as he could to get them to the surface. When they reached the surface, Ronin and Michael’s father were there to pull them out, Ronin pulling Poppy close as she cried, scared about what had just happened. Both parents made sure to check over their kids thoroughly before they walked off the lily pads and headed back to the palace. Before the two families parted ways, Ronin put a hand on Michael’s shoulder and told him. “Thank you for saving the Princess’ life today. One day you’re going to become an amazing leafman.” Michael smiled with pride and looked to his father to make sure what he was hearing was real to which his father nodded and ruffled his hair.

Embarrassed about what had happened but greatful for Michael’s bravery, Poppy took her face out of hiding in her father’s neck and waved goodbye to him when Ronin started walking home. “We gotta start teaching you to protect yourself and look after yourself don’t we sweet girl?” Ronin spoke to his daughter softly while rubbing her back. He was terrified of there being another incident like the one he just dealt with. He kissed her temple and put her down as she nodded. She held his hand as they walked the rest of the way home; her thinking of the next adventures she’d get to experience with Michael would be, him thinking of how lucky he got today with his baby girl and ofc his over thinking kicking in of how he could take care of her better.

11 years (almost 12 years) later: Poppy’s POV

I was in the garden, working on my healing abilities to make them stronger; while simultaneously avoiding my mother and at this point my best friend as well. He had gotten so stoic since his father died a couple years ago. Ever since then it’s nothing but leafman duty this leafman responsibility that. The true him comes out here and there but I swear, sometimes it’s like hanging out with my father.

Regardless of his sometimes stick in the mud attitude, I can’t help but to be falling for him more and more everyday. His handsome looks, the way he makes me feel safe, but also not suffocated either, the way we spend so much time together with him taking over his mom’s duties as my head guard once he was of age. I even love his family; his mom being so sweet, wise and kind, his little brother, who could be a handful, especially for my father but I loved goofing around with and getting into mischief from time to time. But idk, he’s so hard to read sometimes. Some days I catch myself in moments with him where he holds my waist while we read, kissing my head occasionally, holding my hand when I’m scared or just the way he looks at me like I’m the only woman around, no one else catching his eye or heart. Other times I can’t get as much as a smile out of him, like trying to get feelings out of a brick wall.

I was pulled out of my train of thought when I heard footsteps coming closer. I knew the sound of those footsteps well enough to know I had been found. “Princess Liz, your mother wishes to speak to you immediately.” Michael said looking down at me and what I was doing. I stood up wiping my hands as I started walking that way. “Michael how many times have I told you, you don’t have to call me Princess. Unless you want to” I said flirtatiously with a wink. He tried to keep a straight face while his face turned a shade resembling one of a sunburn. “I’m just trying to-“ he started before I cut him off as we were almost right outside of the Queen’s throne room “ I know I know trying to uphold my duty as your personal guard. You promised you’d still be my bestfriend even when you became Captain” I mimicked pouting looking down at my shoes. He stepped closer to me before tilting my head up to look at him softly. “You’re always going to be my bestfriend” he said quietly enough for only him and I to hear it. He pulled me into a hug and as we started to pull back, I felt the urge to want to ask him for more. My 18th birthday ball was coming up and everyone had been constantly asking me who I was going to be bringing with me. I couldn’t see myself going with anyone but him. “What if we were to be more than bestfriends?” I asked only slightly above a whisper my cheeks glowing a soft peachy color. He pulled me back from our hug his arm around my waist lingering while staring into my eyes with adoration but also surprise for my question. It seemed gravity was bringing us closer together until…

“Elizabeth you can’t avoid me forever” my mother said with a smirk as she waited at the throne room door. Michael pulled back from me quickly to stand at attention for my mom. “Your majesty, I was just walking her to you -“ Queen tara waved him off before he could freak out anymore. “Please Michael, just Tara is alright. And it’s no problem. I’m sure my daughter was a hassle to find. She learned evading the guards from the best.” She said with a smile and a wink. “Ronin however wanted to speak to you about the protection plan for Poppy’s ball, if you could go meet with him. I’ll take it from here with Liz.” She spoke as she linked elbows with me pulling me towards her throne room. “Of course your maj- Tara, I’ll get right on that. Princess” he said bowing slightly to the both of us before heading to see my father.

My mom let go of my arm as she closed the doors to the throne room just for us to talk daughter to daughter. “Well he sure seems serious” she said with a giggle. I sighed and giggled with her “trust me you have no idea”.

Talking daughter to daughter only seemed to last so long when the topic I was avoiding for so long got brought up again. “So, have you given it any thought as to who you want to bring to the ball. There’s plenty of princes that-“ I let out a frustrated sigh and complained “Mom I don’t want to go with any stuck up princes. They’re all boring and never talk about anything but themselves and how great their families are. I’d rather just go by myself.” She nodded a silence filling the room as she seemed to collect her thoughts as to what she was going to say next.

“Is it that you want to go alone or that you want to go with a certain leafman who you didn’t know is an option I’d allow?” She asked with a gentle smile. “How did you? How did you-“ I stuttered nervously before she cut me off with a voice of amusement “oh please, I am the Queen. I see all; and you’re not as quiet about your feelings as you think you are. I see the way you two look at each other. It reminds me so much of the way your father and I used to pine after each other before we got together.” She said as she smiled fondly. Her smile faltered as she saw tears in my eyes threatening to spill over. “What’s wrong my sweet?” She asked bringing me into a hug. I finally let the cat out of the bag, all my feelings that had been bundled up. I just needed to tell someone.

“I want to tell him I love him, but I don’t want to ruin our friendship. I love him so much, but he’s so hard to read. Does he feel the same or does he only see me as a friend?” I say tears of anxiety rolling down my face. “ “He’s the only one my heart belongs to mom. I don’t know what id do if he were to reject my heart.” I continue. She dries my tears and runs her fingers through my hair. “Did you know your father rejected my heart before too?” I looked up at her in shock “but he’s like head over heels for you!?” My mom laughed and said “it’s true, but your father has never been one to express and feel emotions. It was easier for him to push them down, to hide them away and put on an icy cold exterior. Sound familiar?” I nodded. “My point for telling you this is if Michael is the one; meant to be for you, you two will always find your way back to each other, even if things don’t happen the way you would hope. But you never know until you try.” I took a deep breath and nodded “okay, I’m going to ask him” I say with a small smile giving her a hug. She clapped cheering me on telling me to let her know how it goes.

I took a couple of days to gather my thoughts and to figure out how I wanted to ask Michael. It was finally my 18th birthday. The ball would be in 2 days. I woke up late that morning to a really beautiful surprise. Flowers on my bedside table, with my favorite tea and breakfast and a letter from Michael. The letter talked about how much he cared for me and the plans he had for today to make my 18th birthday the best one yet, just me and him. He took me to spend time with Mub and Grub, we took a nap in a really cozy petal hammock, then we went for a ride on his hummingbird where he took me to field; a field that had a dinner time picnic set up already with all of my favorites. To finish the evening out, we ran in the fields at sunset watching all the fireflies scatter around. It truly was the best birthday I could ask for. It’s why asking him to come to the ball came so easy once he was walking me back to my room.

We were joking around pushing each other and giggling. It was so nice to see him smiling again. He has the most amazing smile. Warm eyes, kissable lips, ugh he drives me mad. He gave me a hug and a kiss on the head telling me Happy Birthday again, but before he could walk off I grabbed his hand. “Come to the ball with me, please?” I asked looking up at him. He looked at me confused. “Isn’t that a ball where you’re supposed to be bringing a suitor?” He asked me, a hint of jealousy in his voice. I nodded. I grabbed his other hand softly. Holding both of his hands I took a deep breath and started to tell him how I truly feel about him. “Out of all the people in the forest, you are the only one I want to go with” I told him quietly, still scared of how he will react. “I know we’re bestfriends… but I want to be more than just your bestfriend. I love you; and I think you love me too?”

I looked up at him waiting for him to give me an answer, anxiety starting to flow through my veins. I saw so much adoration shine in his eyes for a split second and just like that his eyes hardened pulling his hands back gently. “You know I can’t” he said at a whisper level. I inhaled brokenly trying not to let the tears in my eyes spill over. “And why not” I asked. “It will be a big event. It’s my du-“ I scoffed as he started to explain “really? You’re on about your duty again? You can’t just do it because you are my bestfriend? Wouldn’t I be safest with you by my side?” I said sadness there but starting to be overpowered by anger. I could tell he was trying to keep his composure with the pause he gave before saying “I am best making sure no one comes in to ruin your big day. To make sure you’re safe. The Prince of Sungrove is coming and so is the Prince of Rainblossom. Why not go with one of them? They fit into that whole royalty type thing, not…someone like me.”

My eyes softened a little. “Is that what this is about? I thought you knew status means literally nothing to me. I want to go with you because you are the one my heart beats for. Not some stuck up smelly privileged kid who still picks their nose.” He cracked a tiny smile before his face became serious again. My eyes filled with tears, a few falling down my cheeks. “Please come with me” I whispered pleadingly. He looked me in my eyes and told me “I’m sorry Princess Elizabeth. I can’t accept your invitation.” This made the dam burst I started crying heavily. He went to grab my hand. I pulled back and told him quickly “Fine. Don’t come.” I opened my door quickly, slamming it shut rather harshly. I slid down the door crying as quiet as I could, which was still rather loud.

One of the maids came to check on me after an hour or so where I was still sat in the same place just staring off at the same spot for minutes on end. She asked if I was alright while jiggling the handle, realizing I had locked it. I wrote a quick note reading “he said no.” I rolled the note up and slid it under the door. “Please give this to the queen” I said. She grabbed the note and then I heard her footsteps subside. I fell asleep in that exact spot, crying; not understanding why he couldn’t just come with me? Had I read his feelings wrong all this time? I feel humiliated, embarrassed, heartbroken.

My mom came almost immediately to come check up on me, but I was already asleep due to how exhausted I was from crying. She figured I need some space and just let me be, noting to herself that she’d come back in the morning.

The next morning: Michael’s POV

I felt really bad making Poppy cry last night. More than anything I wanted to be her date, I want to be the one she loves just as much as I love her. But if I have to love her in the shadows to protect her, that’s what I’ll do. I can’t lose another person I love. Commander Ronin and the other leafmen have been getting numerous reports of attacks happening at the border. He suspects something big is going to happen at the Princess’ birthday celebration. Ugh, could this day be getting any worse?

I was pulled from my train of thought when I was tying my bird up at the end of the day after a long day of patrolling. I figured it was best I stay out of the palace for the day, give the Princess some space. My younger brother came running up to me with a look of bewilderment on his face. “Dude. What. Did you. Do?” He asked me with a tone in his voice that says “you’re in trouble”.

“What do you mean Nod? I haven’t done anything. I’ve been patrolling all day.” I said exhausted. “The Princess is in a horrible mood. She’s like a thunder cloud. She’s been snapping at people to leave her alone left and right. The only person she’ll only really let around her is her dad, and sometimes her mom. But rumor has it from one of the maids last night she got her heart broken and now she doesn’t even want to go to her ball. I went to go see her today and she even ripped my head off. I told her I could come find you if it would make her feel better and she started crying and pushed me out the door telling me to leave her alone.”

My blood ran cold hearing all of that. I hadn’t meant to hurt her. I just wanted to protect her. I looked down at my feet not being able to make eye contact with my brother. “I didn’t mean to.” I said quietly, a tear running down my cheek before I explained what happened. “Dude the Princess is badass. And hot. This is the opportunity of a lifetime, why not take it. You’d be able to protect her up close.” He says trying to reason with me. “She wouldn’t want me to come anymore anyways” I say sadly. He gives me a pat on the shoulder and tells me just to apologize. So that’s what I decided to do. It was dark out already but I figured she’d still be up. It wasn’t too late.

I knocked on her door waiting for her to come out or at least come to the door. “Princess-..Poppy. I want to apologize for yesterday. I never meant to hurt you. I promise.” I started since she hadn’t come to the door yet. “I was too-“ I stopped in my tracks as the door opened but not to reveal Liz, but her father, who did NOT look happy. “You.” He snapped pointing at me as he closed the door behind him, leaving us both in the hallway. “Of all the people to act stupid and break my daughter’s heart I NEVER thought it would be you. I didn’t tell you about the need for extra security tomorrow for you to play hero and leave my daughter refusing to have a date and without her personal guard. She doesn’t even want to go anymore. She’s been crying in my arms all day, only just fell asleep.” He paused when he saw the shame that was on my face, the tear falling down my face. “I just want to know why? I see the way you look at her. I see the way you treat her. Do you not love her the way she loves you?” He asked a bit softer this time, hand on my shoulder. He lead me to a bench that was in the hallway for us to sit.

Shyer to tell this to my Commanding officer and her father I took a deep breath before telling him how I truly feel. I didn’t have my dad to talk to anymore so I know he was trying to be here not only for her but for me in a way. “I love her more than anything sir. She is the life of this forest and the light of my life. I just wanted to be able to protect her. I didn’t want her to be a threat at the ball for coming with a high ranking officer, so I thought I’d be best on the front lines to make sure no one gets through.” He listened to my words before asking me “have I ever told you about how the Queen and I got together?” I shook my head no.

He smiled nostalgically. “Well, you aren’t the first idiot to reject your bestfriend and person of royalty.” He started. “I spent years like you; super serious, never acting on my feelings. Showing my love for the Queen solely from the way I protected her. That was until Poppy came into our lives. She was the blessing that brought us closer. I got to spend so much time with the two of them and a few months in of taking care of Poppy, the Queen professed her love for me. It felt almost too good to be true. I didn’t want my position as commander to put her in danger. I was afraid of not being enough for such an amazing woman. So I rejected her advance, and I stepped back from taking care of Liz.”

He looked down feeling the disappointment of his past actions before he continued “I was too in my own head to see how much love both of them had for me and who I was really rejecting. This was the woman I’ve been in love with since we were kids, and somehow by Mother Nature herself I was blessed to raise a child with her; a child who missed me so much she didn’t sleep until I returned. And Tara never let me live that down. It took almost losing both of them to finally allow myself to love them; To feel the feelings I have for them both. Also don’t underestimate the Queen and Liz, they have been trained by the best. I see how the two of you are together and I see so much of my wife and I in you two. I wouldn’t want my princess with anyone other than you.” The queen at this point had come out of Poppy’s room looking exhausted and came to stand by Ronin’s side.

She put a hand on my cheek and told me jokingly, “you’re so serious sometimes. I think you get it from a certain mentor” “I’m sorry for hurting her, I just wanted to do what I felt would keep Princess Liz the most safe.” Queen Tara nodded and told me “I know you didn’t mean to hurt her. What you need to understand is there’s more to life than just protection and safety. Love conquers all. And I know what Poppy wants most from you, is your love.” “How do I fix this?” I asked nervously. “Liz could never stay mad at you. Just let it simmer down first before you go and apologize to her.” Tara started. “Tomorrow, go and be with the front lines. I will keep Poppy safe. it’ll give you time to gather your thoughts and feelings. Before the night is up, come with a gift for her and ask her for a dance. I’m sure it would mean the world to her if you were still able to make it, but you’ve already made a commitment to being on border patrol tomorrow.” Ronin finished. “Wow never heard romantic Ronin in action before” the queen quipped elbowing him lightly. Ronin rolled his eyes putting his arms around the Queen pulling her close.

While they were off in their own little world passing banter back and forth, I figured it was a good time to make my leave. I wished them a goodnight and thanked them both for the advice and comfort before getting up and heading home. Before I got too far I heard Ronin call out “Oh and Michael?” I turned around to face him while he talked. “Yea?” I asked.

His face lost all brightness and turned cold. A face left emotionless I had only ever seen him use towards the Boggins. “If you ever hurt my daughter again, I’ll make sure you end up in Boggin territory, stripped of your weapons and armor and stranded.” He said menacingly. I nodded quickly and told him “I promise, I won’t hurt her like this ever again.” He nodded, face softening a bit but still holding his famous stoic expression. “Good. Goodnight Captain.” He said heading back to his wife who was reentering Princess Poppy’s room.

The next day: party time and patrol time

I’ve been at the border for the few hours, the party having started about 2 hours ago. I already wanted to go, be there to try to make things right and be with the one I love. Regardless I was here to do a job. Something felt off though. Day in and day out for the last week we’ve been having Boggin attacks, suddenly today, it’s like radio silence. In the corner of my vision, down under the ground, it looked like there was some type of creature burrowing it’s way across the border until one of my men shot an arrow down at the moving dirt. A Boggin riding a mole surfaced the mole throwing the Boggin off its back before it went back underground and back the way it came. The soldier was apprehended and a few leafmen attempted to get information out of the Boggin, but it was no good.

“Strip him of his weapons and armor and send him back to tell his leader to stop trying to come over the border.” I ordered. As they went to do as they were told, the Boggin chuckled evilly. “He won’t be there. He has other more important matters to attend to. We hear there’s a celebration in Moonhaven tonight. For a certain Princess right?” I turned around, anger running through my veins as I grabbed him by the front of his armor. “What are you on about” I gritted through my teeth. He smirked at me and told me “Oh nothing, it’s just we wanted to be generous, kind neighbors and pay her a visit.” He said sarcastically. My eyes widened knowing exactly what he was saying. “Keep him detained. We’ll let the Queen decide what happens to him” I said quickly. I whistled to call my bird. As I was getting on the soldier called out to me “You’ll never get there in time. They should already be there.” He said taunting me. I pushed my hummingbird to go as fast as she could but it seemed he was right. As I arrived, guests were pouring out of the palace screaming in fear, looking to flee to safety back in their homes.

Poppy’s POV: an hour or 2 into the party

I don’t want to be here. I really don’t. I would rather be in my room, not having to socialize. Not having to make small talk with these Princes and Princesses that only want to talk about themselves or what new thing they have. I hate that I miss Michael. He always makes these events more comfortable, even if he’s working the whole time. He always tries to make little faces at me when no one’s looking to make me smile. At least my mom and dad looked like they were having fun. My mom was trying to make my dad smile and even at one point forced him to dance with her even though he was in hawk mode making sure there was no danger lurking.

“Princess, would you like to dance with me?” Someone called pulling me out of my thoughts. It was Nod. He looks so adorable. I’m sure my dad put him up to this with his stuffy dress clothes. Nonetheless it put a smile on my face. We started dancing together; it’s crazy how he’s only 13 and almost taller than me already. “Do you wanna get out of here and roam the castle? I know you hate these types of events. We’ll sneak away when Ronin isn’t looking.” I smiled with relief. I love his sneaky behavior sometimes. I looked over at my mom and dad who were busy dancing and caught up in each other. I really wish I had a love like theirs, true love. Love that makes you forget everyone else around you. “Let’s go, they aren’t looking.” I said ushering him towards the exit.

I took a deep breath finally feeling free as I headed back towards my room. We joked around a little before I got to my room. I changed back into my regular dress, making sure I had my pockets full of what is normally in there as Nod sat on my bed. “So are you gonna forgive Michael?” He asked addressing the elephant in the air. “Probably” I said with a sigh. He always has to make things so difficult. Even through that argument, I never really got a read on his feelings for me. I don’t care about the party. What I care about is I opened my heart up to him and I got no response. I must’ve been zoned out for quite a bit as Nod shook my shoulders bringing me back to the present and out of my head. “Hey you alright?” He asked me. I faked a smile and the responded “yea, I think I just need a minute alone. I’ll meet you in the courtyard after. I probably shouldn’t leave the palace on the night of my own party.” He gave me a gentle hug and told me softly “it’s gonna be okay, I’m always here for you even when my brother’s being an idiot.” I gave him a small genuine smile thanking him for comforting me, before he went back downstairs to the party.

Queen Tara’s POV:

I was having a fun time socializing, dancing, being with the one I love, but I could tell Poppy wasn’t enjoying herself. The secret eye rolls when she would speak to the royalty her age, the constant staring off into no where, the deep frown on her face. One minute I’m dancing with Ronin and the next minute she was no where to be found. “It seems our daughter has disappeared once again” I whispered to Ronin, amused but a little sad. He looked around super soldier mode turned on. “What? Where is she?” He asked starting to panic a bit. I hushed him trying to calm him down a bit. “It’s alright, she probably just needed some air. You know she doesn’t really like these kinds of events, especially being around so many people “ I tried reasoning.

Within minutes the ball became a disaster. Boggins attacked from every angle filling the party. Civilians ran out of the palace as quickly as possible, sometimes running over one another. Some leafmen were assigned to protect the royalty that came to visit and we made our way to one of the safe rooms in the palace. Ronin was attacking Boggins left and right who came to try to harm me as he guided me towards the throne room. We all piled in there, the leafmen spreading out to make sure if any Boggins were to make it in, they’d be attacked immediately. I could tell Ronin wanted to go after Liz. But as my lead guard, his duty was to be here. In a strict voice he called out to a few of the soldiers that were in the room with us.

“My job is to stay here and protect the Queen. If something goes wrong then that is on me. Go find the Princess and bring her back here. Make sure she is safe if not in this safe room then another.” He demanded. They nodded before drawing their swords and exiting the room. Ronin came to stand by me to ease my nerves, hand resting on my lower back. “It’s alright, she’s gonna be alright. She has them coming to protect her and she’s spent years training and preparing for a moment like this. If anything the enemy soldiers are the ones in danger right now.” He said placing a kiss to the side of my head.

Princess Liz’s POV:

I figured it was time to head back to the party. I didn’t want my mom or dad to get mad that I had left for so long. I made my way down the stairs and down the long hall making my way back to the party hall. It was quiet. Too quiet for the party to still be going on. That’s when I saw what looked like a soldier dressed in a dead rat running at me from where the party was supposed to be going on I threw one of my throwing thorns at him hitting him right in the neck. In pain he cried out yelling out weakly to the others “I found the bitch. Get her” I ran back the way I came trying to make it to my room. If I could get there. There’s a protective mechanism in the door to make it a safe room. I threw more knives trying to give myself more time to escape. I made it about halfway up the stairs when 2 soldiers came from down the steps, blocking off my path.

I hid the last knife I have just in case I had a chance to escape, but I let them hold me captive. One of them, I’m taking it be the leader of all of them grabbed me by the back of my neck/ hair and pulled me up towards my room. I panicked trying to dig my heels in. “Please don’t do this, I haven’t done anything. Please don’t hurt me.” I began to babble. The soldier who had my hair pulled a knife by my face and growled “shut up. If you’re good we’ll go easy on you. It’s not really you we want Princess.” He said with a voice like venom. He pulled me to sit on the bed, hand staying on the back of my neck as if her were waiting for something.

I heard a few soldiers call out of my name trying to find me and make sure I’m alright. The man who was holding my scruff nodded at the woman by the door before I heard scuffling, battle cries and then silence. Tears came to my eyes as I realized those men risked their lives for me but to no avail.

It was a little while later (maybe 10 minutes) when I heard a voice call out sounding concerned. “Princess?” He called out. My eyes widened an inaudible gasp coming from my lips. No not him, please not him. I heard scuffling outside once again. Tears ran down my face the longer it went on. There was silence once again until the lady who was at the door with fire in her eyes snapped at no one in particular “how is he not dead yet?!” She left the room and then the sounds of another fight pursued. When the palace was brought more silence and then the call of my name, the man holding me yanked my hair up with just the word “stand.” He pulled me to the door, knife by my carotid, him standing behind me like a shield. I stepped out of the room by the railing where I saw Michael, he was about halfway up the stairs.

There were bodies, both Boggins and leafmen laid life less all over. “Don’t look at them Princess look at me.” Michael said trying to put my mind at ease. I looked at him. He looked exhausted. His blood or someone else’s splattered on his armor, split lip, split eyebrow and what looked like a newly forming bruise on the side of his face. But his eyes remained the same eyes I fell in love with. Full of life, adoration, kindness. The officer behind me was mouthing off to Michael talking about killing as many leafmen as possible, including Michael. When the Boggin wasn’t paying attention I pointed a finger at his hand that had the knife in it telling him to shoot there with his bow and arrow. He gave me a questioning look and so I mouthed to him “trust me.”

He took the shot shooting straight through the man’s hand. The man started hollering and I moved away from him getting behind him, using my last knife to stab him in the back before pushing him over the railing as he fell head first to his death; not before slicing me pretty good from where my ear and jaw connect to my chin with the knife that was in his hand. Michael ran to me holding me in his arms. He held me close using reassuring affirmations and kissing my head (whether those affirmations were used to calm him or me down, one will never know.) He tilted my chin up to look at me before he started to panic again “oh you’re bleeding, quite a bit. He got you good.” He said trying to find a piece of fabric to put pressure on the wound. I grabbed his hand to stop him from freaking out before I used my other hand to place on top of my would, healing it so all that was left was a scratch. I then took my hand that was holding his hand and placed it where I could see the bruise forming and on his eyebrow to heal up his wounds.

“It looks like my healing studies have come in handy.” I said lightheartedly. He looked at me with so much love in his eyes. He grabbed my waist and pulled me closer. “I thought I was going to lose you” he said quietly. “I’m not completely helpless y’know.” I said giggling lightly. “I’m aware of that.” He said acting unamused. He pulled me into a passionate kiss. My hands went to wrap around his neck, one hand playing with his hair that was showing out of his helmet. We pulled back from each other only when we both needed air. He placed his forehead on my own and told me the words I have been dying to hear for years. “I love you Elizabeth. I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you-“ he said before I interrupted him with another kiss.

“Well it’s about time” I heard a familiar voice say interrupting us as we pulled away from each other. “Haha it’s good to see you too brother. Glad you’re safe. Michael said walking over to his little brother and pulling him into a bone crushing hug. My father walked up behind them a sigh of relief being audibly heard when he saw I was okay. I ran over to hug him. “Thank the spirits you’re okay.” He said hugging me tight kissing the top of my head. “Your training paid off. That and Michael came to save me” I said pulling a bit back from the hug. My dad looked down at me with such adoration a tear slipping down his face. He caressed my cheek softly, thumb moving back and forth as a form of comfort. “You really are all grown up my sweet girl.” He said with lots of love. He looked up at Michael and went over to him, locking forearms with him in a handshake before pulling him into a hug. “Thank you for coming back for her.” He said relieved I have someone looking after me, someone who would be willing to die for me if that were what needed to be done.

I let them have their moment while I went over to the fallen leafmen soldiers to see if any of them were healable. For the ones who had passed I closed their eyes and laid them in a way that was considered honorable. (Their body would be laid the same way when it was time for their funeral) I then healed the ones who were in critical condition as much as I could. They would still have quite a long road ahead of them, but it was better than a road that didn’t end prematurely. My mom came to join us all since the palace was deemed safe again. She came to stand over me as I healed the last soldier I could heal. “You’re going to make an amazing Queen one day.” She said kindly pulling me into a hug as I stood up. “I’m so glad you’re okay” she said into my hair as she kissed the side of my head. I hugged her back telling her, blushing a bit “I would’ve been a lot worse had Michael not come back to protect me.”

He came to stand by me holding my waist. He bent down a bit to kiss my cheek as he told me “it’s kinda in the job description but it’s my pleasure.” My mom squealed saying “Ronin are you seeing this too?! Finally.” We all spent a bit more time together talking and dealing with matters such as taking the wounded soldiers to the infirmary, taking the bodies of the enemy away, preparing the bodies of the fallen leafmen away, and so many other clean up procedures of that disastrous ball before I decided to turn in for the night, Michael insisting on escorting me back.

My mom was right; things hadn’t worked out exactly how I planned it, but I was still just as happy with the outcome. It was worth the wait and worth the initial hurt. I drifted off to sleep thinking about how happy I was finally getting to be with my divine love, my bestfriend.

A.N: there is a smut part to this but I’ve taken it down until someone lets me know they even want to read it 👍🏻. Not going to continue to deal with hate comments. Hope you enjoyed.

[heliswife]

Hello!! Can i ask again, another zhongli!reader with leo/need? ill give out a scenario,

zhongli!reader is the calm type, right? so what if reader was talking to one person who talks bad about them, so reader got mad and stuff,, what would you think their reactions would be??

THE ZHONGPEE SAGA STILL GOING STRONG FUCK YEA!!!! He's actually my 2nd fav geo character bc itto will always be 🔛🔝 but I still love the old man!

Zhongli!reader dealing with l/n's bully

"You know Ichika and her friends, right? They're so fucking weird!" You raised your head from your desk. Two girls in your class were talking about your friends: obviously not in a good way.

"Especially Shiho, she's sorta mean and annoying."

"Agreed!" The two girls let out a cackle.

"You guys really shouldn't be saying this stuff about them. They're really great people you know." You butt in, and the two girls scowled at you.

"How do you know?" One of the girls crossed her arms. "Do you even talk to them that much?"

You were usually really calm, but you were starting to get mad, "You guys are calling Shiho mean, but it's really you guys being mean. Calling Ichika and her friends weird? Calling Shiho annoying? I think that's an asshole move to be honest."

"That's an asshole move to be honest," The second girl mocked.

You rolled your eyes, "It really doesn't matter what you think, but they're all amazing people, and you're just being plain mean right now." You got up and walked away. Those losers aren't going to be taking up any more of your time.

"... and that's what happened," you told everyone.

"Geez, they were really saying that?" Saki frowned.

"Thanks for telling us, y/n. I don't want to make this a bigger deal than it already is." Shiho said.

"Mhm. We should just ignore them for the time being." Ichika added.

[swagging-back-to]

probably 10, when i went vegan my adopters stopped cooking for me at all. All i had to eat was any extra potatoes or salad they made, so i had to learn to cook on my own. i was self-taught.

when i wasn't vegan egg sandwiches, chicken sandwiches on white bread, and i also got salami veggie sandwiches from subway. after going vegan (and before being diagnosed celiac) it's pb&j's and grilled cheese

around 4spoons of sugar. sometimes i add soymilk sometimes i don't. i usually don't.

take out and to go. take out is what i say to describe the food 'im eating takeout'. to go is what i say to describe the order 'im getting it to go.'

no

cold but things like tea and cider should be hot.

cook. depending on the meal it can be really easy. dishes suck even for myself.

milk chocolate 100%

i'd like to get some but i don't have anything specific in mind. probably those wooden grinder ones.

honestly? soups. you put everything in the pot and walk away. anything else you have to sit over the stove. besides that tho I'll have kabobs, tostadas, nectarines, and ice cream.

sweet n sour sauce first and foremost, then ketchup, bbq sauce, and vinegar.

steamed broccoli and boiled dinner. i still love both of them but don't have them often.

lick bc anyone who bites it is insane

WHAT???????

i used to but I've started decluttering my life and trying to be more minimal. i still collect some mugs tho bc i put other things in them

tiramisu, bibimbap

low. i can get through 4-6 takis before i have to stop

probably cut fruit. hummus.

no

cooking

PASSION FRUIT or nectarine. both are good.

no

that i eat or that i don't eat? probably mayo (vegan). i just think it's gross.

coke and chips. classic and salt n vinegar

noodles are straight and long, single thin strands. pasta is everything else.

roasted foods, vegetables, beans, rice. Specifically uncle ben's rice and wild rice with chickpeas. i will literally eat it all winter long.

DRY FLAVOR???? wtf is dry flavor.... but no i have a dissociative disorder so my preferences for everything are constantly changing. I typically gravitate towards salty and sweet, but i do have bits of sour cravings.

probably plain. runner ups are blueberry and everything

nothing. or whatever is butt-fuck easiest. sometimes it's the rice and beans, sometimes it's microwaved canned corn

it depends on if you count dinner as a set meal time or as a specific meal NUMBER during the day. usuaulyl my 'dinner' is my first meal. like 2pm-5pm

yeah probably

garlic powder, Italian seasoning, cumin, paprika, turmeric

hard question bc i feel like I'm just tolerating most of the gluten free versions. maybe ice cream? it used to be eclair's hands down.

too many. i have a deep one on my hip bone and a large one on 1/4 of my thigh from cooking popcorn and dropping the pot :) weirdly enough the smaller one hurt way more and left a bigger scar

it depends on what it is. if it's something that will be soggy then yes

asian, hands down. i learned Japanese JUST to read recipes

sweet. savory pies are gross as fuck

nectarines and cherries

chopsticks. forks and spoons seem gross to me idk why

when i had bread yeah

NEW BLOCK

bowties. theyre so fancy

uhhhh those strawberry candies that old ladies have

i should have but the place i live doesn't ave any

i don't go to either but i would trust a restaurant more

probably they don't last long

i enjoy a well made salad. sub-urban salads that just have lettuce and croutons? fuck no.

too many. gluten, eggs, dairy, chocolate, grapefruit, kiwi

i drink coke most bc it's the most readily available but i like strawberry or blueberry soda way more.

i do this every day by choice. lol. it changes depending on th ecraving. i would probably go for kabobs tho bc it allows the most variation.

no

alone. for every reason.

if I'm eating with people and I'm talking, yes.

childhood, or just experimentation. specific things are online

probably chips??? blooming onion or salt n vinegar. i also eat a lot of fruit as a snack

yea

FUCK there is and i don't remember what it was. it was a rubbery thing i would chew on as a kid and i would just chew on it so fucking hard my teeth just about broke off.

too many to name.

never.

fuck no. not even when i wasn't vegan.

yes :'( multiple times

it doesn't really matter I'm adding salt anyway

intermediate to experienced. I'm not pro level but I'm not average eeither

tortilla press

go in. i need to see prices and ingredients first hand

yuh

i useed to have them well done or whatever it's called

sparkling water

no

i used to get bbq chicken as a kid. now i get daiya pepperoni. if i could order at a shop and have it bee safe for me then i'd get pickles, olives, cauliflower, peppers, onions

in certain dishes they're alright but if they're sliced too big then you taste them too much

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

eeat at home. whenever i eat in public my stomach acts up

multiple times.

no. bees die to make it and it's an animal product. by definition it is not vegan. and why do you even want to drink bee vomit?

soy sauce

fried rice ig?? i don't share my food with people tho

soy and oat milk yah

brown, or jasmine. jasmine is superior.

no

No not really :( i can make versions but it isn't the same. (rn I'm counting my favorite food as ham and cheese hot pockets)

yeah actually. i loved the taste of melted cheese specifically.

kabobs, beans and rice, tostadas (quinoa, onion, black beans, taco seasoning, tostadas), and recently fries with baked breaded tofu

yeah but i don't remember them off the top of my head bc why would i

GROSS

yes :')

it depends. i usually just say no

it's alright. I'm not crazy for it

water. sometimes juice

no

moxie, fluff, red hot dogs, whoopie pies.

Food-inspired ask challenge! Send a few numbers, learn something new!

How old were you when you first learned to cook?

What’s your favorite sandwich?

If you drink it, how do you like your tea?

Which of these terms are you most likely to use?: Takeaway, takeout, carryout, to-go, or grab ‘n go

Do you have a favorite restaurant? If yes, what is it?

Do you prefer hot or cold drinks?

Would you rather cook a meal for a crowd or do the dishes afterward?

Do you prefer white, milk, or dark chocolate?

Do you have novelty salt and pepper shakers? If yes, what are they?

What foods do you like to eat when it's hot outside?

If you eat fries, what condiments do you like to dip them in?

What was your favorite food as a child, and do you still enjoy it?

Do you bite into or lick your ice cream?

Would you consider air to be an ingredient in your cooking or baking?

Do you collect silverware, mugs, cups, bowls, or plates?

Is there anything you haven’t had that you’d like to eat someday?

How would you describe your spice tolerance?

What would you bring to eat at a picnic?

Does caffeine wake you up?

Which do you do more of?: Cooking, baking, or grilling

What’s your favorite fruit juice?

Do you meal plan?

What’s your least favorite food?

What food, snacks, or drinks would you most likely bring to a potluck?

How do you distinguish between pasta and noodles?

What foods do you like to eat when it's cold outside?

Do you have a preference for sour, sweet, salty, savory, or dry flavors?

What’s your favorite type of bagel?

What do you eat when you’re feeling sick?

Around what time do you usually have dinner?

Have you ever cooked something you saw or heard about in a video game?

What are the most commonly used seasonings in your cupboard?

What’s your favorite dessert?

Do you have any scars or burn marks on your hands from cooking?

Do you mind when the food on your plate touches?

Which world cuisine are you the most familiar with?

Sweet or savory pies?

Are there any seasonal foods or ingredients that you’re looking forward to?

What eating utensil do you use the most often?

Do you like to toast your bread?

What is your favorite pasta shape?

What’s your favorite fruit-flavored candy?

Have you ever triggered the smoke alarm while you were cooking?

Food carts or sit-down restaurants?

Have you ever broken a microwave?

Do you enjoy salads?

Do you have any food allergies or food intolerances?

Do you drink soda pop? If yes, what's your favorite flavor or brand?

If you had to eat the same food every day for a month, with no variation, what would you choose?

Do you own any cookbooks?

Do you prefer to eat alone or with other people?

Do you cover your mouth with your hand while you're chewing?

Where do you find the majority of your recipes from?

What’s your favorite snack food?

Do you eat in your bed?

Is there anything that isn't edible that you’ve really wanted to eat?

What’s your favorite vegetable?

How often do you order restaurant food to be delivered?

Do you eat fish?

Have you ever dropped a pot or tray of food that you were in the middle of cooking?

Salted or unsalted butter?

Where would you rank your cooking abilities?: Beginner, intermediate, or professional

What luxury kitchen appliance would you like to own the most?

Would you prefer to go to the grocery store or have your groceries delivered?

Do you have a sweet tooth?

If you eat eggs, how do you like them prepared?

What do you call carbonated water?

Do you drink energy drinks?

What’s your favorite pizza order?

How do you feel about raw onions?

How would you describe your everyday diet?

Would you rather sit down in a restaurant for a meal, or have food to-go and eat it at home?

Have you ever taken something you were in the middle of cooking and thrown it into the trash?

Do you consider honey to be vegan-friendly?

What’s your favorite condiment?

What’s a recipe you’re good at that everyone asks you to make?

Do you drink milk?

Brown or white rice?

Do you have any leftovers you need to eat?

Can you make your favorite food?

Do you like melted cheese?

What are your safe or comfort foods?

Are there any foods that give you headaches?

How do you feel about eating insects?

Have you ever worked in food service?

How do you feel about sharing food that's on your or someone else’s plate?

Do you like the taste of raw celery?

When you're feeling thirsty, what do you usually want to drink?

Would you consider yourself an adventurous eater?

Are there any foods, flavors, or ingredients unique to where you live?

[jodilin65]

TUESDAY, JUNE 29, 1999 Yesterday Tom turned 42. It’s hard to believe that in just 8 years he’ll be 50. If there’s one good thing about his being older, it’s that if the place we move to does end up growing over the years, we can move to Sun City in just 13 years.

The thing that really pissed me off was that Tom’s mom didn’t even care to send him a birthday card this year like she always used to. There’s always the chance it was misdelivered or will be delayed, but if not, that just made the woman go even lower in my mind. First she uses him, steals our time and money, then she doesn’t even send him a birthday card!

For his birthday, I made Tom a disk of a screen saver I made for him with different sayings on different backgrounds.

Before I get into our land hunt - Minnie’s trying to get in touch again. Also, and to my utter amazement, I never did hear from Andy this weekend and no pants showed up at my door. I left him a message a little while ago asking what the scoop was with that. Maybe he took care of his own damn pants for a change. Or got too fat for them, button or no button.

Next door was quiet all weekend. As quiet as they usually are during the week. But will it stay this way? I wonder about July 4th. Well, if it doesn’t stay quiet, we’ll deal with it then.

I went out to put my mail out and saw all their van windows open. This may not be New York City, Boston, or Springfield, but that is so stupid!

Later…

OK, on with yesterday’s outing. We left at 6 AM and didn’t return till 1 PM.

We didn’t go to Palm Harbor’s place in Apache Junction as we originally planned, but that’s to be our next step to find out what we qualify for. Then, we go out with a realtor to more property.

We drove out to Maricopa which is nestled by the Ak-chin Indian reservation and the Gila River Indian reservation. They also have Hopi, Navajo, Mojave, Apache, and more throughout the state. In fact, most of Arizona is owned by the government (national parks or forests) or the Indians. They have a lot of ancient Indian ruins around the state too, that I want to check out some time.

We looked at 3-acre lots. Some had manufactured houses on them, some were empty. I was surprised to see how close the houses were, although Tom didn’t think they were too close at all. To me, they looked two houses apart. From us to the collie’s house. He said he didn’t think so. He felt they looked 10 houses apart, and that distance can fool you if there’s nothing in between houses. He said we wouldn’t hear neighbors in our house. Outside - maybe. The 3-acre lots were more expensive but were rigged with utilities and water that was piped into the houses just like they are here in the city. We liked the more secluded, private, bigger lots, that are cheaper, but the catch is that they aren’t rigged for phone, electricity, or water.

I was surprised to see how many kids lived there (I still plan not to have a kid) and the school buses for summer school that went by. They have mail services, but the mail doesn’t come into your house through a slot. You have mailboxes at the edge of your property. I don’t know if UPS goes out there or not, but I’d think so. Maybe the mail service will be better out there and we won’t need a PO Box.

The owners of the rental are here now. When are they gonna sell or re-rent the place?

Anyway, the secluded lots were more private because their natural desert landscape was untouched. The sage bushes and Palo Verde trees are boring looking compared to saguaros, prickly pears, and ocotillos, but they do shield you from other houses. The houses that were on the smaller lots had originally been farmland, so all the sage and cactuses were cleared out. In that area, though, embedded in the base of Papago Butte Mountain, was a house for sale that we might consider checking into. It’d be perfect as far as utilities and water go, and the payments would be cheaper than this house, but the house might be a dump. It’s a manufactured house, but it’s about 20 years old. I’d prefer something new. It’s listed as a 3-bedroom 2½ bath with an addition that could make it a 4-bedroom house, but the big question is - is it quiet being elevated above other houses and with neighbors on either side, that again, seem so close? Don’t get me wrong. They’re not 3 feet away, but I still don’t see how a pack of screaming kids couldn’t be heard from the next house over (not that a 3-acre lot wouldn’t suit us. It’d sure beat 3 feet and be much quieter) Also, being higher, that enables the surrounding houses a straight shot at the house with their noise. Lastly, we were wondering how you’d put a pool in with it being on an incline like that. We may have to put it in front. At least we wouldn’t have to worry about anything noisy coming in behind us being nestled right against the bass of the mountain.

So, now that we saw the area, measured distances, checked out acreage, and looked over landscapes, we checked off all the appealing ads in those papers that the realtor sent so we can check those out, and the mountain house, too. We got a kick out of some of the ads that said: secluded with good neighbors. If you’re so secluded, then how do you know what your neighbors are like? And when they say “good neighbors” do they mean quiet neighbors or neighbors that are decent people?

Some of the mountains are prettier than others. I like the rockier mountains, rather than the ones that look like huge piles of dirt.

Tom asked if I’d be nervous with him gone since some people worry about being all alone with homicidal maniacs on the loose. Homicidal maniacs can be anywhere, but I think there are more of those in cities. Also, and as I told him, if it’s my time to go, so be it. If I’m destined to ever be shot, run over, or stricken with a killer disease, then there’s nothing I can do to stop that. Meanwhile, I can’t imagine my being nervous, and to this day I regret bothering the police to check out the sounds I heard when I first came to this house. I should’ve been a big girl and checked it out myself, just like I do from time to time, and that’s what I’ll do if I hear anything strange no matter where we live. If it’s our house, it’s our problem and our responsibility to deal with anything suspicious or that has our curiosity peaked. Anyway, a homicidal maniac can throw itself into anyone’s house anywhere, but if one does decide to pick our house, it damn well better come armed or with lots of pals, cuz any unarmed cock or two that comes to my door is gonna be walking straight into a death trap. I’ll kill it, bury it, and not even bother to call the cops. Let its family wonder whatever the hell became of it.

Anyway, noise is more important an issue to me than views or privacy. People can look as long as they don’t bother us. If I hear soft sounds off in the distance that isn’t constant, OK. As long as dogs, music, and people aren’t heard as well as I can hear them here.

The only bummer of it is, is that we’re still looking at being here another 2-3 months. At least. As Tom says, we have the rest of our lives, but I want out of here! I’ve been wanting out for years!

After looking at the land we went to K-Mart. They had ugly sundresses, but a surprising number of $20 porcelain dolls. They had some for $30 too, that were a little bigger.

What I did end up getting was a Heart CD. It was another Greatest Hits album, but this time, with the original recordings. Not live. I was hoping this one would have another version of Dreamboat Annie, a really beautiful song, for variety’s sake. They did. Only this one’s not nearly as nice. It also comes with the lyrics. Tom and I had tried to find Heart lyrics online to no avail.

Tom forgot the map, so he bought another one in Osco Drug so he could find the way to Red Lobster. Also, he wanted a newer map of the state. Osco Drug also had a handful of $20 porcelain dolls.

Our experience at Red Lobster was totally different than our last trip there a year ago. No kid could’ve thrown food at us if they wanted to as the nearest table was too far away. Also, all the neighboring diners were adults. There was one baby, but it slept the whole time it was there.

The lobster was good, but it didn’t seem as meaty this time around. Guess it was a little one. He had a hamburger.

Our last stop was the grocery store to quickly pick up a few items. When we were at the check-out counter, I saw a little booklet titled: The Right Way to Pray. Well, how hard can that be? Don’t you just ask God for what you want? Maybe there is a right way and a wrong way to pray since he’s never answered 98% of my prayers. Or maybe there simply is no right way we can pray for the things we aren’t meant to have. You can’t ask for what isn’t destined.

What is it with all this God shit popping up, anyway? There are so many commercials about books to get on how to establish a personal relationship with God. Well, to each their own, and yes, God’s blessed me in many ways, but for the most part, he’s allowed pain and hardship to be inflicted upon me and I don’t care to establish a relationship with someone that could do that to me. I don’t do connections with control freaks whether they’re parents, Gods, or whoever.

I look in the mirror and I still see a pudgy person there. How can Tom call me skinny? I swear I’m only thin in the wrists and ankles! Having such a small mouth doesn’t help my face. It makes it look bigger. I also wonder if my bottom teeth will always go downhill from left to right. Since the teeth on the right side are back further, it makes it look like the teeth on the left side are taller. Well, even if they stay like they are - they’re great compared to what I started with. They’re plenty straight enough now.

Later…

I got to thinking about it and started wondering if all those private calls not only could be Andy, but messages he’s leaving that I’m not getting, so even though I doubted that the machine was fucked up, I called and left a message asking him about it, but he says it’s not him that’s been calling. Well, I admit that it could be sales or Eldon, but my gut instinct says it’s Andy. The calls are coming when I know he’s home, and I really think he had Michelle call when he was back east to try to throw me off. A private call came in right after he left his message. What better way to try to throw someone off than to call right after leaving a message denying you’ve been calling them, huh? I should know. I used to do the same thing he’s doing. Well, although I’m curious to know who the caller is for sure, they say your gut instinct is the one to trust, so I think I can bet on it being Andy. OK then Andy, have your fun while it lasts!

Really, though, if it’s entertaining to him - fine. The loser doesn’t have anything better to do. It’s so sad, too. This guy isn’t dumb. I mean, he is and he isn’t. If he only wouldn’t waste his life sitting home getting stoned, he could offer this world so much.

Anyway, in his message denying the calls, he didn’t say anything about the pants, just that he had a dream about Quinn (oh, God!) and that he misses him. Also, he knows where Papago Butte is and wouldn’t mind visiting me there cuz it’s not too far. Well, Andy dear, it’s about 40 minutes away from where you are, you say you have a shit car that’s unregistered, and the town is Maricopa. Only the mountain’s called Papago Butte (not that we’re definitely gonna live at the base of this mountain). But it doesn’t matter how close or how far it is, cuz I know he’s not going to be visiting.

SUNDAY, JUNE 27, 1999 My vibes have been right so far. No music from next door. All we saw was the gold car come to visit and Tom said he heard voices out back yesterday afternoon when he was rinsing paintbrushes. I told him I knew the humidity wouldn’t stop them from hanging out back (not that I care about voices at this point. It’s music I care about) and he said they may’ve been inside the house with the evaporative cooler running which needs open windows. I said I was surprised they’d run the cooler and not the AC, and he said they may not have much of a choice. Really? I thought everything was paid for them - their bills, their food, their clothes, etc. Maybe not, though. The electricity may’ve been included in the Oswego Street project, but it wasn’t in the NHA.

Just heard the van return and two car doors. One for him. One for her. So, does the smaller fat lady, whose name I don’t know, stay home and watch the kids when Debra and her hubby take off? Who is this woman in relation to Deb? Her mom? Sister? Cousin? In-law? Friend? I never got a good look at her to see if I could see a resemblance to Deb and how old she might be, but she’s gotta be in her 40s at the very least. I can’t tell if Deb’s in her 20s or 30s. Her face is so swollen with fat that her eyes are nearly swollen shut and I can’t see lines and wrinkles too well if they’re there.

No calls from Andy (yet). Now that’s really surprising. I mean, aren’t we gonna have to play phone a zillion times over a lousy pair of pants? Isn’t he gonna have to call a zillion times leading up to the big drop-off of these pants? Maybe they’re already out front, but I’m not gonna check right now. Not with the hinges loaded with masking tape. We masked the doors and shit like that that we didn’t want the paint sprayer to hit.

For the last 5 days or so, there have been private messageless calls. Tom says it could be Eldon, whose number comes up as private, and who’s been known to call and leave no message. Could be Andy, too.

Later…

Tom took the air compressor inside so he could spray paint and he made a major breakthrough with covering the wall art. Most of it barely shows anymore, so that’s great. He did the kitchen and the living room yesterday, although the living room ceiling still needs to be done. Today he’s gonna concentrate on the bedrooms.

SATURDAY, JUNE 26, 1999 The bathroom fan does a great job. Not one drop of moisture was on the mirror when I stepped out of the shower.

To give my hair a break from the same old, same old, I switched shampoos. This one has a separate shampoo and conditioner, unlike the one I’d been using that had both in one bottle. Its vanilla scent, which seems to be a popular scent these days, is nice and it lets me use more conditioner. Those two-in-one put way more shampoo in than conditioner and this hair needs a ton of conditioner.

All’s been quiet next door since I got up at midnight. In fact, from what I can see, no vehicle at all has been over there. My vibes said there wouldn’t be any music, but my logic said there would be. Well, I’m glad my vibes have won so far, but I repeat, so far. The weekend’s young. However, since our chat last Sunday, I haven’t seen or heard anything more than the van’s comings and goings. No kids, no music, no voices. And thank you God for seeing that as of yet, I’ve been wrong on that dog vibe. If that vibe’s right, I just hope it’s not till after we’ve moved. I don’t know if their quietness is a result of our talk, or if it would’ve panned out this way anyway, but I’m enjoying it while it lasts.

Later…

The van went out at 6:30. It’s deathly humid out there now, and hot. That might curb any shit from going down next door, and my vibes are good, but I don’t know. It didn’t stop that black cock from banging in and out of there when he was here in the heat and humidity, but so far, no sign of the ranchero or the white car.

Sex was pretty amazing earlier. Makes me wonder if he’s read my recent writings about the same old, same old getting rather old. He’s still making excuses, as usual. Don’t get me wrong. He’s still on the back excuse trip, saying it’s really weak and needs to be strengthened. Maybe so, and although he denies this, perhaps his age has something to do with it, too. Whatever. What was amazing was that he suddenly, out of the blue, asked if I wanted to go on top. I guess a part of this was cuz of his back and not just for the sake of variety, but what was even more amazing than me being on top for the first time in ages, was that I had no problem guiding him in there. As almost always, neither of us came. I asked if he’s cum by that before and he said yes. Anyway, I told him the variety was nice, and that although I did prefer to screw and be on the bottom most of the time, I like a change of pace every so often. Actually, I wish he’d go down on me every other time we got together (it just feels the best), but I know that that would be too much to ask of him. Way too much. The guy’s tongue would fall out! It takes me longer to cum nowadays. Besides, I already made my feelings known about him going down on me for a change, he didn’t do it, and I don’t want to make him do anything he doesn’t want to do.

FRIDAY, JUNE 25, 1999 Less than 24 hours to go before the peace we’ve had around here since Sunday’s gone.

I saw a bunch of people working on the rental yesterday, but I don’t know what they were doing. They were hammering an assortment of objects that were on the ground, they were on the roof, they were everywhere. I can’t believe the place is still empty, but I doubt it’ll last much longer.

I wish I could get myself to quit worrying about what I eat and just live life. Tom says I’m skinny, but as far as I’m concerned, I’m far from it. I’m not huge either, but I’m plump. Quite chunky in most areas. I will never be any thinner than I am now, so I wish I could get myself to stop wasting my time on diets. Also, although I want to, getting a home gym will be a tremendous waste of money. I’m just gonna do what I always do - I’ll stick to it with utter dedication and determination for the first few weeks, and then I’ll have to push myself. I always lose interest and drive. I’m still doing my stomach exercises, but barely. It’s a real struggle to get myself to do it. All that ambition I felt for a couple of weeks there is gone. Perhaps the reason I lack motivation is that I know I’m so limited. I knew my stomach wasn’t gonna get any flatter than where I’d flattened it to after a couple of weeks.

Tom worked a zillion hours overtime, again, as usual, cuz of a failed hard drive that runs the sorter he uses. When are we ever gonna get back on track with the painting, and when will this painting ever end, and when will we get the fuck out of here?! Before Lisa tries calling a hundredth time? Before Tammy decides to go on a let’s-forget-the-past-and-move-on-till-the-same-old-shit-happens-again-for-the-zillionth-time calling spree? Before Andy asks for a dozen more favors or wants me to go somewhere with him? Before next door’s company has banged in and out enough times to drive me crazy and wake me up?

Lisa’s only called once so far, but here we go with Andy’s favors again. Can’t come over without needing something from me. Couldn’t God have held him off just until we could finally get the fuck out of here?! He needs another button sewn. He says it popped off the first time he wore the pants, but I don’t buy it for a second. I’ve never heard of anyone popping buttons like he does, and sometimes I think he does it deliberately just to get a favor from me. And he happens to need to bring the pants over to me on a weekend? He says he wants to bring them over for just “5 minutes” or drop them off. Anything to rebel and to butt into my weekends! I left him a message to just drop them off and I’ll call him when they’re done. I told him we’d be out all weekend looking at land.

What’s he gonna do when I’m gone? He’s gonna have to learn to sew his own buttons on. And stop eating, too! I’m sure that most of this constant button popping is cuz he’s stuffing the shit out of himself. And I also think that’s the cause of the bulk of his puking, too. Stomachs and pants can only handle so much food.

Later…

Wow. It’s supposed to hit 110º this weekend. Finally! This is the mildest summer Arizona’s ever seen so far. It won’t stop cars from blasting in and out from, 10 PM-1 AM, though.

I listened to music, I scrubbed the bathroom, I scrubbed the kitchen sink, and now I’m bored shitless. Perhaps I should read and do some more cleaning since there’s nothing on TV but the usual, and since I have nothing to say till the weekend. Come the weekend, I’m sure I’ll have plenty to say. Till then and till we can get the fuck out of here, I find myself vegging out with my thoughts. I think about what my view is going to be like looking out at the natural desert landscape. You know how rotten a neighborhood Oswego Street was but did I ever tell you about the view? The exact view? From my back door, I could see a big old ugly dumpster. A few feet behind that was another 4-story brick building only it was empty and rundown. Some of its windows were boarded up and the ones that weren’t were smashed. There was graffiti all over it and garbage strewn everywhere. That was my view. And that was barely a decade ago.

THURSDAY, JUNE 24, 1999 Andy hasn’t called to tell me he was fired yet, so I guess that means he’s still working. He said the job was a piece of cake and that he has more free time than not while he’s there, so he reads magazines.

Also, he was puking his brains out like he always does the day before he starts a new job. But why? He should be an expert on starting new jobs. He only starts 50 new jobs a year.

Tom was rubbing against me suggestively when I got up. I asked him if he needed a quickie and he said no because it’d be too quick of a quickie and he had to shave. But he had nearly an hour and a half before work. Talk about being inflexible!

Anyway, I feel sexually trapped. This guy just does not want to branch out, explore, experiment, or try anything new when it comes to sex. It’s the same old, same old. It’s starting to get to me, but again, knowing I’m sexually hexed and knowing my bitching about it won’t change anything, I just keep my mouth shut and go along with what he wants in bed as we always have. I mean, there’s no variety. I know what we’ll do step by step whenever we get into bed. There are no surprises anymore. It’s not new and exciting anymore, and I know it’ll really turn him on if I bitch about it (I know it sounds horrible saying this about this otherwise great man, but it’s true. I just know it is), and that God has me hexed sexually no matter what, no matter who it’s with. It doesn’t matter if it’s only him for the rest of my life or a million people. Hexed is hexed. I can’t get him to break his rut of the same old and try something different for a change, and when I can, it’s only once or twice, then it’s right back to the usual. His idea of variety is stopping before we even begin. And every single Goddamn weekend it’s the excuses. 90% of the time, there’s a problem. He can’t just screw and not make excuses for why he has to stop. I know why he has to stop, but I was obviously right when I said he’d never admit to it. Then why not just keep his mouth shut? Why the constant excuses? If he can’t come out and admit his fears and ask that we use birth control, does he have to make excuses instead?

I’ve never enjoyed sex with this guy and I think about quitting, but what kind of guilt trip will he lay on me for it? How guilty will I end up feeling regardless? What will God do to me for it?

Speaking of God and his doing things to me, it’s quite a coincidence that I’ve been bothered, once again, by his taking away my right as a woman to choose, ever since the showdown with next door this weekend. See? If I don’t take what he dishes out to me, he inflicts some kind of pain or punishment upon me for it. There’s just no fighting what God’s got on the menu for me. I fear that if I go against God by throwing away the sex, he’ll do something to me emotionally for it.

Anyway, Tom straightened up the kitchen and the living room of papers and hardware, and I cleaned the refrigerator.

He got some more boxes today and a pretty, colorful pad of notepaper for me.

Later…

Next door’s still quiet at night and during the daytime. They still seem to go in and out a lot, the first trip usually starting now, at 6 AM.

I’m not at all looking forward to the weekend, as always. I don’t know if that white car did start to move in only to change its mind, if it only planned to be there for the weekend, or what, but I do know there’ll be some kind of shit over there this weekend. My guess is that the white car will bang in and out, or the ranchero will. I’ll probably send the city letter off next Monday. Especially if they fuck up my schedule which I just managed to get back on track so we can go look at land Monday, as well as to Red Lobster and to Wal-Mart.

I’ve gone from 107 pounds to 111 pounds. Yeah, I knew I would. Am I gonna try to lose it again? No. I’m not gonna bother, cuz I’ll just gain it right back.

Later…

Oh, no. Here we go again with Lisa trying to call collect. I’m not gonna answer and tell her a third time not to call me. I’m just gonna ignore her calls and hope they stop while we’re still here. We just can���t get out of here fast enough!

There was a private call a little while ago. Could it have been Andy? They didn’t leave a message, but he’s supposed to be at work now. What’d he do? Bail out of this job, too?

TUESDAY, JUNE 22, 1999 Andy left a message about starting a 2-week temp job answering phones during the day for $9 an hour (which he’ll quit or lose by Friday) and in my reply, I told him my feelings about not acknowledging our anniversary. He left a message saying he doesn’t acknowledge anyone’s anniversaries. Only birthdays. He said it was because he didn’t believe in marriage, then he chuckled and said he didn’t know why. I know why. It’s because he’s jealous. I know jealousy when I see it. It’s OK, though, to be jealous. I understand how badly he wishes he could say he’s been with someone for years and has had a great relationship with them. Then he tried to say he wasn’t sure when our anniversary was, but he thought it was June 15th. He knew that. He knew damn well when it was, cuz I mentioned it before the 15th. He can’t even blame his scrambled pot memory on that one, but he didn’t try. Anyway, we acknowledge what we acknowledge and I told him that’s OK (but of course, only I know, despite how much he may suspect it, that this will be our last anniversary where we’re friends).

Later…

Boy, have I been in a lazy mood! I got up at 12:30 last night, but all I wanted to do for the most part was lay around. At 10:00 this morning I ended up conking out till 5:30. I hope this doesn’t mean my schedule is fucked up for Monday. Monday, his birthday, we were gonna go to Red Lobster and look at some land.

Tom called yesterday about some land advertised in the Penny Saver, and we received info on it today. He said there are some promising deals.

Also, ironically enough, a lady left a message saying she sold some property in this area, so, if we’re interested, give her a call. That’s quite a coincidence, although I doubt we’ll be needing her.

It looks like I may’ve forgotten to mention this, but about a week ago, Paula left a message. It came up as private, so she apparently called from a friend’s house. I hope she doesn’t ring someone else’s bill up to call me. It doesn’t look like she’ll be doing that, though. She said she didn’t want a phone anymore, she’ll call me back, and everything’s OK. She hasn’t tried to call back yet, as far as I know. Also, I doubt it was a case of her simply not wanting a phone anymore. Maybe some guys were bothering her, but I think the main reason she lost the phone was due to so many calls to me. Also, she didn’t sound “OK.” She sounded rather down.

Yesterday, I gave Mel (who decided to leave that bracket off) a few pictures of animals I printed out for her, as well as a few of myself at different stages of my life, including one of my hair just past my shoulders back when I was 24.

As I stood up to leave, I wondered - was her big, baggy smock just sticking out? Or was she pregnant? I certainly wasn’t gonna ask and risk offending her and making her wonder if she was suddenly huge-looking and if it was just a case of her smock sticking out. Well, I’ll pay closer attention next time I see her, but it’s awfully hard to picture her pregnant. She just doesn’t look like a mom, nor does she seem like the type to want the hassle. I always pictured her as either never having kids, or not having them till she was in her late 30s.

I decided to forget about singing softly since we did make a deal, after all, to go to our doors if there’s a problem. So, if she can hear me, and if it bothers her, let her come to my door. I highly doubt she can hear me, though, cuz it’s in the house that sound goes easily, not out of the house.

I still haven’t seen the white car since Sunday, and all’s been quiet, but it’s not the weekend yet, either. I know the ranchero and the white car will be banging in and out next weekend, too. At least that white car doesn’t live there like I was beginning to fear was the case. I think it’ll live there on weekends, though.

MONDAY, JUNE 21, 1999 Things kind of came to a head around here yesterday, but it may be for the better. It’s too soon to tell, but it just may’ve been a good thing.

At around 5 AM yesterday, when Tom was getting up, they finally shut up next door. I typed the city a letter too, but we agreed to hold off on the mayor’s till the house went up for sale.

As we were going to Jack-n-the-Box at 7:00, I saw a guy walk out from between the houses in the carport, glance at us, then go back towards the backyard.

When we returned, the hood of the van was open, and I was thinking, great. Just great. So now they’re gonna be playing car repair all day like most freeloaders do and who knows what noise that’ll trigger being just a few feet away.

Between 8:00-9:00, the white car banged in and out 3 times. The final time, which was finally loud enough to wake me up, was the final straw. I blew from there. The years of having to deal with neighbor’s shit had taken its toll on me and I snapped. The stupid fucks with the white car backed the car out in the middle of the driveway, then left it sitting there with the bass booming while they went inside the house. So I stormed over there and walked up to their door which was wide open and let them know I was fed up and they had to shut up. At the same time I was turning to walk away, a woman was saying, “Will you please get out of my house” (but I didn’t step foot over their threshold and I reminded her that it wasn’t her house). Once I was back at our door (Tom was outside at this point) and the dudes with the white car came out. Tom was telling them to turn it down but they played deaf and dumb. Then he told me to call the cops, but they were leaving right as the dispatcher answered, so I told her to never mind and I hung up. She called right back and Tom told her the scoop.

Just as he hung up with the dispatcher, the doorbell rang. I opened the door and there stood two fat ladies and a guy. From there on out, I was thoroughly surprised and even impressed with what transpired. I was a little confused, too. The bigger woman, Debra, who looked and sounded white just like the other woman even though Tom thought she looked Hispanic, told me she was trying to buy the house. I guess the city has different programs and that they’re on an extremely different program than the blacks were on. How can a low-income person afford to buy a house? How can jobless people afford to buy a house? And how can 5 adults and at least 4 kids live in that house and still have room to breathe?

Anyway, Deb basically did all the talking. Her husband, who seemed like a very subdued, passive individual and who appears to be Mexican, said nothing. The other lady, whose name I don’t know, only spoke a few scattered sentences.

The 5 of us spoke for about 10 minutes and Deb let us know that my temper wouldn’t get me anywhere, if there was a problem with anything please come to her and not yell over the wall or go off on her guests, and that she knew where our door was, so she’d do the same. We agreed to this, and as I let her know, it was music that concerned me more than voices or anything else.

She said she was a good person and that she wanted to talk like normal human beings. Well, I must give her credit for coming over and talking to us like a civilized adult. She didn’t have to do that. She didn’t have to try to reason with us or compromise. She could’ve come over yelling right back. But she didn’t and I appreciate and admire her for it. She’s to be commended for how she handled the situation, which was far better than how I handled it.

All’s been quiet since I got up at 10:30 (Tom didn’t leave any messages, so I guess that means they were quiet) and the white car hasn’t been back that I know of, but don’t get me wrong. Even though I feel much calmer and have a good feeling about how things will go from here, that doesn’t mean that some sort of shit won’t go down (mainly with the white car or some other vehicle). Maybe they’ll go right back to being just as loud, or even worse of a nightmare, but for now, I’m hopeful that things will be OK till we can move, and I feel much more comfortable having met these people. Now that I know the people and have seen the faces behind the voices, I’m not as stressed out.

Tom and I agreed that from here on out, if there are any more problems, to let him know about it in full detail, then he’ll go talk to them.

From here on out, even though I’m sure I can’t be heard, I’m going to be singing really soft so they can’t say I’m practicing what I preach. Normally, I wouldn’t care, since they’ve been noisy and since most people out here are noisy, but I have to care. They have music more powerful than mine. Music that can take away my sleep. Therefore, as far as they’re concerned (if they stay quiet), they don’t know I exist.

So, we’ll just see what happens from here on out. I’m putting a hold on the city letter for now. I may even forget about sending them any excerpts on them after we move. It’s one thing to call a person a racial slur behind their backs as a way of venting, but it’s totally wrong, as far as I’m concerned, to directly call anyone a racial slur.

Even if things do go well from here on out, I still think they were wrong to be as noisy as they have been, and I still think it was intentional. I think they wanted to get attention and acknowledgment and I don’t condone their antics.

Meanwhile, I never meant to condemn them or anyone else for their lifestyle. The only time I have a problem with someone else’s way of doing things is when it comes through my walls. I don’t sic my noise on others. Therefore, I expect them to keep their noise and music for their ears only, too. I expect others to treat me as I treat them.

SUNDAY, JUNE 20, 1999 How do the kids sleep throughout all this loud babbling? Somehow, I doubt these wonderful role models give a shit.

Anyway, they’ve been out back gabbing away since I got up at 10:30. Makes me wonder if they could ever run out of things to say to each other. They just never seem to come up for air. The mouths go on and on and on, and bitch! I hate you for moving! I never thought that I’d be faced with having to worry about next door again like this. Especially after midnight! If it weren’t for us moving, I’d be out back screaming for them to shut up, even though I know it wouldn’t do me any good. Besides, I did say I’d fan out anything that wasn’t bass and that could be fanned out during our remaining weeks left here (unless God sees fit to add more time to our stay here). I really feel bad for the next people in here, cuz knowing how God works, odds are they’ll be nice folks who won’t deserve this shit. Not assholes, or assholes that are just as noisy.

Other than their vocal antics, this is the quietest Saturday yet with them here and that will probably ever be. Tom said there was the expected weekend company, but no music, and only a couple of cars. He didn’t see that white car.

Unbelievably, the van came and went from 10 PM last night to late in the morning. Over 12 hours of coming and going to and from God only knows where. From what we can gather, these fucks are sleeping from around noon-8 PM. I’ve never seen anything like this coming and going. Not even the blacks and the renters combined had these many vehicles and this many trips in and out.

I’m a little disappointed with Tom, cuz I feel like he reneged on our deal. He said if I insisted, he’d send out the city and mayor letters Monday but would prefer to wait till the house went up for sale. But who knows how many more weeks away that is?

I thought I just heard car doors, but I just went into the music room where they can be heard loud and clear and they’re still there. Why are they sitting out gabbing in the dark? Not one light is on over there.

Anyway, Tom thinks that others have complained already. I don’t think so. If they complained about these people, then why didn’t they complain about the blacks? And why isn’t the city doing anything like they did with the blacks?

Tom said that the city won’t do anything cuz of the way they run things. He said the mayor will, cuz mayors know that people write letters to newspapers if the mayor fails to respond to their letters. Well, I disagree, but maybe I’m wrong. I don’t think that just because the mayor’s in real estate and sold David this house that it means he’ll do something about the shit next door. If the city doesn’t do something, no one will. Not unless we the people take action and go over there and shoot all of them dead ourselves.

As I told Tom, I can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do, but I don’t think we can rely on other people having complained first, or wait till we put the house up for sale in case we can’t put it up for sale for months. Something’s stalling us and keeping us here by hurling one setback after another at us, as I knew would be the case eventually. It does not want us leaving here, and as far as I can see, if we don’t gain by the letters, can we really lose that much?

Yesterday, we thought we finally found the answer to the wall art not being able to be covered by putting on a thick joint wall compound, but guess what? As soon as it dried, the wall art was visible again. It just won’t fucking go away! And of course, he’s still in denial, saying it will get covered with spray paint, but no it won’t. Only painting the walls black or wallpapering will cover it. At least he got the bathroom vent working.

Yesterday morning I wished to hell I had the camera ready for that fat bitch who mooned me really good. It was barefoot, wearing a short dress as it bent over to grind out a cigarette. It obviously doesn’t believe in underwear either. Got a perfect full view of that fat ass!

I figured out how to program my stereo to play the Heart songs I like best repetitiously while I slept, but that didn’t go over very well. I kept waking up for the first few hours of sleep. I turned it off and slept well from there on out. If I’m gonna ever need music, I’m gonna have to go back to playing Gloria’s instrumental CD. That has a steadier beat, although if music pulls in next door that’s loud enough, nothing short of blasting my stereo will override it.

Later…

This is fucking unbelievable! Totally! It’s 3:00 in the morning and the freeloaders are still out there gabbing. I went out back a few minutes ago and screamed for them to shut up. I knew it wouldn’t work, but it made me feel good just to scream like that. Someone answered, “Hello? Are we really that loud?”

I told them, yeah, they were, and that I’d have them evicted. Then all I could make out through the garble of 3-4 voices was something about how they’re only human, but I didn’t want to hear anymore. I just came inside and threw the headphones on and watched a movie.

I’m telling you, no one complained. No one complained and no one ever will.

Why God?! Why me?! Why is it always next to me?! Any prayers to God for peace around here are going unanswered, as always. He wants this for me. He wants me inflicted with this shit from neighbors.

Later…

Still gabbing away non-stop. Also, I just noticed that the white car’s here behind the van now. I knew it’d be back. I forgot to say that it left quietly yesterday morning at 8:30.

These are obviously “seasonal freeloaders.” If it were December, they’d be gabbing all day and sleeping at night. At least I think they would be. You call this human, though? Normal humans don’t gab outside till 3:30 in the fucking morning, and if there’s anything I do agree with Tom on, it’s that no, they don’t mind getting evicted. If you’re gonna be out gabbing at this hour, you can’t be worried about getting evicted, and if you are stupid enough to be out gabbing at this hour, and someone threatens you with eviction, and you still gab on, then you really don’t mind being evicted.

This is not a good moving sign. Between the freeloaders and the wall art crisis and other setbacks, this is not a good moving sign at all. I really hope Tom will write the letters now and stop assuming too much. I mean, what if we are here till September? Or even later? I’m not putting up with their shit that long. No way!

If the kids are sleeping while they’re up yacking away all night, who watches them during the daytime?

I woke up at 107 pounds, and haven’t had much of an appetite. First time I’ve been this low in ages, but you can thank the freeloaders for it. It’s cuz of the stress from their shit. Whenever the fuck we get out of here, I’m sure I’ll be struggling like hell to keep from going over 110 pounds.

I was eating popcorn when the bracket let go. I doubt the popcorn did it, cuz I’ve been eating it ever since the braces went on and that was over a year ago, but just in case, I’m having more graham crackers and less popcorn. There are fewer calories in a serving of bite-size graham crackers than in a bag of popcorn, although you certainly don’t get as much. Still, it should be filling enough as a snack. If I have two servings a day that is a couple of hundred calories each, a couple of 200-calorie TV dinners, and a banana or two, that should keep me from going over 110 once the stress comes off. No wonder I was so thin back east and when I first got here!

I’m just too stressed out to do much when I’m not writing or listening to music. I can’t concentrate on reading. All I do is sit and stare at the wall sometimes. I keep reminding myself that we will be moving. It may not be soon enough, but it’ll happen. It doesn’t seem to reassure and calm me as much as I’d like.

Later…

And the lovely freeloaders continue to ramble on. How is it that the dogs haven’t been going off all night cuz of these freeloaders?

I wonder if these freeloaders are my present from God for having the hoop removed. Maybe he would’ve been more lenient with me with neighbors if I hadn’t gone against him, so to speak, and had it removed. Like I said, if I don’t take what he gives me, I’m really in for trouble.

Later…

Although somewhat quieter, the freeloaders are still out back. This time, I went out back now that it was getting light. I could smell that they were doing laundry. I thought you couldn’t raise kids if you were like me - no routine, schedule, or structure? Well, there are not just an awful lot of kids over there. There are an awful lot of adults over there, too. Maybe the adults that are up are childless, but I’ve never heard of a childless freeloader. They start breeding practically as soon as they hit puberty, and they don’t stop till menopause.

I wonder - is the white car gonna be here every night? Or just during weekends? Will the freeloaders be out back every night from here on out while we’re still here?

SATURDAY, JUNE 19, 1999 The van’s been gone an hour and a half. This is the longest it’s stayed out this late that I know of. What if they went to Mexico or somewhere and are having the people with the Ranchero and white car babysit their many mistakes? That’d be all I’d need! Unless they’re not back by 2:00, I’ll assume the van will be returning, then the white car and the Ranchero can bass out. They don’t mind waking up the kids. They don’t just shit on others. They shit on each other, too.

Why has God been so obsessed with using kids and music against me like he has since 1992? Why?! The kids are easier to deal with than the bass, and people attached to me that live directly next to or above me like in the NHA and the apartments I had here. But still, I just don’t get it. God’s obviously not using the kids to show me that he has that planned for me, too. I’ve known all my life I was destined to be childless, like it or not, and 6 years of unprotected sex with a virtually cumless dick has proved that. Maybe God just felt that knowing I wasn’t going to have kids, he felt it wasn’t fair that I live my whole life without a taste of what it’s like to have them close by. Well, believe me, God, I know what it’s like!

Good. The van’s back. Now can we just pack it in for the night and be done with all this shit till tomorrow night so I can have some peace and concentrate on things I want to do?

Anyway, the only reason I can think of as to why God would sic the music on me is due to people I’ve bugged with my stereo, like my old neighbors on Oswego Street and Woodside Terrace (the first time I lived there). If this is the case, once again, it just goes to show how I have to get what I gave many times over. If I make one prank phone call, I get four. Get it? There’s no way in hell anyone could’ve been as bothered by my music as I’ve been by other people’s music. No way. Not even close. There’s no comparison between the stereos I had back in the mid to late 80s, and these bassy car stereos and that band that used to play across the street. If you played the stereo I had back then full blast, it still couldn’t come close to the volume of one of these car stereos playing softly.

It’s almost 1 AM. Makes me wonder if the white car and the Ranchero, or at least one of them, will be staying overnight. They may be too doped up to leave, but if that white car wants out, the van’s gonna have to move first.

Tom was right about Mexican music being less bassy. I heard plenty of bass, don’t get me wrong, but I heard more drums than bass. It doesn’t matter, though. Drums on these stereos are just like bass - they both sound like someone’s hammering your walls. I’m sleeping with my stereo on for damn sure. I know they’re gonna wake me up. It seems only inevitable. It also seems only logical that that’d be just what the Gods would order, too.

Later…

I can’t see for sure, but it looks like the Ranchero left.

It’s a damn shame these sick fucks have so many laws on their side. These fuckeroos are next to impossible to evict, and even if we could have them out of here tomorrow - they’ll just turn around and have people move in that are just like these assholes and the last ones, too. It’s a widespread, endless cycle. And of course, their millions of kids grow up to be just as fucked up, if they stay alive and out of jail.

Tom caught Melanie’s call to remind me of our Monday appointment and told her the scoop. She said it’s a common thing, go ahead and keep it waxed in place, and she’ll glue it back Monday.

Later…

The van left again, but the white car is still there. Just where the fuck do these people need to go 50 times a day and is the white car staying overnight or what?

I brought up the idea to Tom (in a phone msg) of us exploring and experimenting with sex stimulants when we move, figuring that if we use lubricants, why not try stimulants, too? I have a feeling, though, that this stuck-in-a-rut kind of guy here won’t want to bother, but OK. I have vibrators to spice things up. I still say that the vibrators do the trick for me better than he can, anyway. They’re more reliable. They don’t work, they don’t sleep, they’re always on my schedule available when I want them, and they don’t have a million excuses.

Anyway, all he said in his reply was that he wanted fun when he got up. Says he deserves it and that I owe him that. No prob. I just hope my crotch won’t mind, cuz we skipped last weekend. I wouldn’t be too surprised if he came either, cuz I’m getting close to a period.

He also said that he’s gonna work 8 hours on Saturday, 6 on Sunday, then evaluate where we are and decide the rest of the week from there. I feel like we’ve got a long way to go yet. We haven’t even bought the land yet! If we could just finish this fucking painting and cover this fucking wall art I never thought I’d regret doing so badly!

Later…

The van’s back and the white car’s still here. The front light’s off, though, so that tells me all the more that the white car’s staying overnight. The fact that I’ve never seen this car before worries me. What if one of the adults living over there just got this car and what if it’s here to stay? I saw two people get out of this car, but that doesn’t matter. The passenger could’ve been a friend. These subsided blacks and Mexicans know a whole shitload of people.

Just a few more days and the city and the mayor will be hearing from us. But is Tom right for sure? Will it worsen things? Do they really not mind getting evicted? Or will it have the same effect on them as on the blacks? I tend to agree with Tom. Not just for the reasons he does, but because I’ve learned that just because something works once, doesn’t mean it will again. In fact, it’s usually just the opposite. What brought good results once tends to bring negative results the second time around. Or at least with the second batch of assholes. Well, it took two letters for the blacks to get it, so maybe after our 10th letter, the fucks will either shut up or move out.

Later…

No, he won’t be cumming. He’s gone to “do a duty” before we get together, so that tells me something right there. It’s just a gut feeling, know what I mean? He took the little computer in to play Hearts, he says, but I still wouldn’t be surprised if he got relief out of the way first, but again, it’s best that he does. Despite what’s destined, a man shouldn’t cum in a woman that doesn’t want kids if they’re not gonna use birth control.

FRIDAY, JUNE 18, 1999 OK, now that I’ve had time to calm down somewhat, I’ll update the latest batch of shit I’ve had to deal with.

First, though, next door seemed to have taken their antics indoors at about 11:30, and the van made its last trip in and out at around that time, too. At my last 1 AM check, I could see the glow of a TV coming from over there. See, I really think they’ve got themselves scheduled by the weather. I knew there was no way they’d stay inside just because it was hotter and more humid. They’ve got to get the neighborhood’s attention. Apparently, they’re sleeping in later and going out when it’s cooler. They might be sleeping till late afternoon.

Well, we’ll be taking care of the freeloaders, but meanwhile, enough of them and onto other things.

One of my brackets popped off. At first I thought it was gonna be a big deal and something I couldn’t live with till Monday that’d have to be dealt with like now. However, I waxed it and it’s holding it in place well enough till I can get in to see Mel Monday. Tom says he’s still gonna try to be here when they call tomorrow, tell them what the scoop is, and see what they recommend. I think it’ll hold till Monday with the wax, and fortunately, it’s the second tooth from the back, so I can eat on the other side of my mouth. If it were a front incisor, rather than a back molar, I’d have to have only liquid foods, not that that’d kill me to do if I had to.

Later…

I checked just before 2 AM and the lights are out. Maybe they are up during the day, but just don’t go outside. Or maybe I don’t hear them if they’re out. I didn’t know they were out till I went to check on Shiny. With the fan on, I couldn’t hear them. With the AC running and not the cooler, I couldn’t smell their food. As Tom suggested, maybe I ought to just stay inside and fan them out. That way, I won’t have to know they exist and burn with rage and want to go kill them.

My idea to sand the wall art was a bust. Tom’s new plan is to go around and paint the walls and ceiling completely. No more playing games, he says. Then, he’s gonna spray paint the wall art. He says that’ll cover it cuz you can get more on that way. I hope so! He says we’re still on for early August. I really, really hope so!!!

Later…

Another day with the freeloaders to deal with.

I didn’t get up till 8:00, their peak time these days. Tom said he hadn’t heard anything since being home at around 9 AM. That kind of didn’t surprise me. They didn’t start up till 10:00. It’s only just after 10:30 now, and I’m sure they’ll be up doing God knows what till around 1:30.

At 10:00, a white car I’ve never seen before came blasting in. It sat in the driveway for a couple of minutes to let the neighborhood know it had arrived, and by the time I got out there and screamed to keep it down, I didn’t want to know they exist, and that I was to have them evicted, the cock was walking towards the house. It glanced at me for a second without a word, then kept on walking.

A few minutes later, I thought it was leaving, but it obviously came out to test/bait me, along with 3-4 of the Mexicans that live there, then they deserted the car which is still out there. The weird thing about it was that they only based me out for barely half a minute. Just as I was on my way out there to really raise some hell of my own, the music stopped. The people stayed, though. I couldn’t make out a word they were saying, but I can guess what must’ve been said. Something like, “Go ahead. Have us evicted. We don’t care.” Or “No one can get us evicted. We can do anything we want and get away with it, too.” Yeah, well if this is what they think, they’re gonna learn the hard way how wrong they are.

I was surprised to see the van leave as early as 6 AM yesterday, just 6 hours after its last trip. Just when do these people sleep?

Anyway, I haven’t heard anyone hanging out back yet, but I’m sure I’ll know it when this white car leaves.

All I know is that I’m being severely compensated for the two months that house was empty, just like I knew I would. Something’s really out to get me good lately, and I don’t know why.

My stereo conked out again on me yesterday, but thankfully, Tom fixed it. God’s really on a let’s-get-Jodi spree now. So let me guess - he’s gonna have that white car return tomorrow earlier so it can wake me up, right? But why?! Why is God letting this happen?! What did I ever do to these people? And the last people? And the last? I thought people were supposed to only have people harassing them who did something to deserve it first. Well, that’s the way it should be, but it’s obviously not. People just don’t know when to give up, either. They pick and pick and pick. They just don’t know when to quit provoking.

I’d still like to know what I ever did to these people. Why does God insist on throwing these people on me like this? I don’t even know these people. Why can’t God allow me to be left alone? And just what will he have done to me for moving away from these people he seems so desperate to sic upon me?

I think Tom’s right - these blatant fucks are blatantly illegal, and now that they know they have enemies (which they obviously sought out as an excuse to badger people all the more), they’re gonna really live it up at our expense, and I’m sure they’ll insist that this white car visit more often now, too. How I’m gonna keep from killing these people, beats me. I’m so pissed right now and my adrenaline is so pumped up that I could probably take on a champion boxer. Okay, so not literally but these people just don’t care and they just don’t get it. They really are extremists.

Later…

These people are just as weird as the renters and the blacks, only ten times more fucked.

See, it’s in the middle of the day for these people. It’ll be a few more hours before things die down around here. The Ranchero decided to make a visit. The white car and the van backed out of the driveway. The van took off somewhere. After a few minutes of shouting, the white car pulled into the driveway. The Ranchero stayed on the street. Both the white car and the Ranchero have bassy stereos, so which one was playing music, which was shockingly sort of soft, I can’t say for sure, but I’ll bet it was the white car. The Ranchero, also shockingly, was only here for a few minutes (but will probably be back). I heard a shitload of voices hollering at each other.

Later…

I was right. The Ranchero’s back.

Later…

It used to be that these freeloaders wouldn’t slam doors and hang out in cars like the blacks did, but not anymore. There are at least two adults who went to hang out in the Ranchero, play a little bass, and so did their kids. Kids running around at nearly midnight in nothing but diapers! It’s sick! Fucking sick!

I hope one of their kids gets killed. Not only would the kid be better off dead, but maybe that’s what it’d take to teach them a lesson, although I doubt it. As long as there are Mexicans and blacks in this world, there’ll be trouble. If God would erase the Mexican and black population completely, he’d solve half our problems. I’m not saying there isn’t a lot of white trash out there, but how many good Mexicans and blacks do you know? I’ve met quite a few of these people and I can count the good ones on just one hand.

I saw the guy that talked to us and them walking around the other day. Tom was right when he said he walks around the neighborhood a lot.

Which of the 3 is the case here so far? 1. No one complained to the city. 2. Someone complained and the city didn’t talk to them. 3. Someone complained, the city talked to them, and true to what Tom said would be the case, they just don’t give a damn. I have a feeling it’s the first one that’s the case. Why must everything be up to us and dumped on our shoulders, huh?

Later…

The white car just left. Thank God! And please God, don’t let it come back in 10 minutes! I’m sure it’ll be back tomorrow, as it is. When the car started up, the music was a little loud, but get this - after just 3 beats, it turned it off. It turned it off! I couldn’t believe it! The Ranchero’s still here and the van’s still out unless it slipped in without my noticing it. I can’t believe that God doesn’t have this van, the vehicle that lives here, bass in and out 20 times a day. I wonder if it’ll start, though. That’d surely make things twice as bad if not more. If the Ranchero and the white car bang in and out regularly, though, that’ll make up for the lack of bass coming from the van.

Later…

Oh, God! I should’ve known better. The white car’s back. It came in with soft music. Why God? Why me?! What did I ever do to these assholes to deserve this?! There’s no doubt in my mind, though, that all these cars’ trips in and out are to get drugs. All that keeps going through my head over and over again is - bitch, why’d you have to move!

THURSDAY, JUNE 17, 1999 I haven’t heard from Andy since Monday, if I’m remembering correctly. He knows. He knows we’re basically finished. Who knows why he hasn’t called for sure; perhaps he’s waiting for the weekend, but I won’t call him till I hear from him. I want to see if I’m right or not about his not mentioning a damn thing about our anniversary before I go reminding him how it’s just as easy to be offended by him. I mean, he says he’s my “best friend” and he doesn’t even call and wish us a happy anniversary? Please! Some “best” friend. It’s not just about his being jealous, it’s about his being the typical selfish person Andy is famous for being.

It was pretty funny the other day how I reached to open a kitchen cabinet and ended up with half a handle in my hand (the door stayed closed). The middle chunk of the handle broke apart and let go, so we’ve got to replace that handle.

As I knew would be the case, we’re still having a hell of a time covering this fucking wall art I wish to hell I never did, even with the primer, but I got an idea. Tom said he didn’t think of it, which surprised me. I figured that if I thought of it, he must’ve too, but nope. Anyway, I thought we ought to take that sanding block, which only strips what’s on a wall and not the wall itself, and maybe that way we can get through the stubborn parts. The reds, oranges, blues, browns, blacks, and darker colors, just won’t budge. Tom isn’t sure this will work but is definitely willing to give it a try. I’m hoping to hell it will work without adding another week to our sentence here, but with our luck, something or another will keep us here into September, although it doesn’t look that way right now. But we need to get through this painting! If we could just get the inside painted, and the outside trim painted, we’re virtually home-free and ready to sell. Well, there are worse places to be than here on N. 21 Ave.

There was an ad in the Penny Saver with a good deal on a house on a 3.3-acre parcel of land with irrigation and all that, that Tom intends to call about on Monday. He said he was going to wait till Monday cuz he was tired of not being called back. Well, something just hit me - maybe he’s not being called back for a reason. Remember how God had people missing phone calls by seconds on other apartments for me in Connecticut? Well, of course, God knew it was my time to come out here. Well, maybe, just maybe, God is on our side about getting the model we want.

The rental’s still empty, and I wish God would keep it that way while we’re still here, but as I write this, I’m sure God’s up there looking down at me saying, keep dreaming!

The only thing I’ve seen from next door this week is a cock that lives there that came out at 7 PM and mowed. I guess they do have a mower. The weird part was that only 1 kid was out there, too. Not 4 or more. It was about 3 years old, playing in the driveway, stark naked except for its underwear.

Also, the van was there last night. I either just didn’t see it when I wrote my last report, or it was out. They didn’t hit the sack over there till around 12:30.

Tonight, the living room window blind that’s deeper in the carport is drawn shut. The other’s open and I can see straight through to the inside of their front door. They have shelves with God only knows what by that window. Some time I’ll take the binoculars and see if I can see what.

Tom says that if the weekend’s like today, no one will be hanging outdoors. He said it’s like we’ve skipped summer and went straight into the monsoons which aren’t supposed to be till August. It’s very humid out and definitely hotter than last Saturday. We’ll see, but I still say that even if there’s no music, not a ton of cars, no adults out, the kids will be. They’ll be outside screaming all day. There’ll be some sort of ruckus, and I’m not even gonna wait for them to act up. As soon as I get up, on goes the stereo. I may sleep through most of their wild times, though (God help them if they wake me up!). I’m trying to roll my schedule over for Melanie’s appointment on Monday.

Here’s something astounding - I don’t think they had company yesterday or today. From what I could see and remember, there wasn’t any other vehicle but the van.

Another thing that’s sort of surprising is that I haven’t seen the city come out. You’d think that by now, with all these fucking party animals, there’d be something to fix. They should go out and inspect a week or two after someone’s moved into their houses to make sure they’re sticking to the rules, but maybe they just don’t give a damn. They’re just too damn trusting and too damn naïve. Mexicans and blacks live to break rules, and I still can’t believe there’s no dog over there yet.

What I don’t get is why these freeloaders seem to act like they work. From what I’ve seen so far, they seem to have the bulk of their company and shit going on during weekends, just like with the blacks. Maybe their cronies actually work.

Later…

Typical, typical Mexican, I swear! This is just like on Oswego Street in "Puerto Rico." The air cleaner’s on, so naturally, I thought that at this hour, all would be quiet, but boy was I wrong. I went out back to see if I could coax the cat in to eat and got an earful of screams from the kids next door. They’re out barbecuing or something since I could smell food. Meanwhile, the backyard’s infested with screaming kids and I could hear adults, too. I screamed and got a scream from one of their many mistakes in return, along with laughter like it was some big fucking joke to them. What are these freeloaders gonna do - spend hours outdoors at night since it’s too hot and humid during the day? Thanks, God. Thanks a real fucking lot! In fact, they’re probably sleeping in late, just so they can be out at night. Anything to get attention and stand out like a sore fucking thumb. Fucking motherfucking freeloaders, I HATE them!

I can’t wait to see the letter to the city Tom’s gonna write. Why the fuck did that bitch have to move?! Even months after she’s gone she’s still pissing me the fuck off!

Even if these people were normal and quiet, I’d still be pissed at having to pay my tax dollars to these people just so they can sit around all day. Why can’t they get up off their lazy asses and work and support their own fucking needs?! Let them take care of their own damn kids!

Later…

Just went outside to do another “sound check.” I didn’t hear any kids this time. Just an adult female laughing. Yeah, sit on your fat ass and laugh at our expense bitch, but enjoy it while it lasts, you mother-fucking cunt, cuz I’m gonna set you straight before too long!

Later…

Next door is still going strong. What? Is it really a Saturday afternoon out there right now? I caught one of them peering over the wall, but couldn’t tell if it was an adult or not. It was too dark. I thought I heard what could’ve been a chair moving right after it saw that I saw it, suggesting it was a kid that climbed up to peer over, then ducked and jumped down when it saw me. Well, adults or kids, they can peer over all they want. If I catch any of them in the yard, though, they’ll learn in seconds what a grave mistake that was and that they picked the wrong yard. We better not have anything of value out in the yard or they’ll steal it for sure. They may even steal something that isn’t of value just to be stealing. These people don’t have brains enough to think their crimes through. They act on impulse and will risk their lives just for the sake of spontaneously stealing a fucking gum wrapper.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 16, 1999 God, the constant biting gets frustrating! Every day I bite myself or get pinched by these braces, and I’m so sick of it! I had planned to quit the Tic-Tacs and just chew gum after the braces come off, but I don’t know. Not if that means I’ll be biting the fuck out of myself. The more I chew something, the more I get bit up. It not only doesn’t tickle, but the area that gets bit swells up and makes it harder to chew around.

Tom got primer, and as my vibes said, it doesn’t seem to really help a lot. It looks like we’re gonna have to spray paint since that puts a lot more paint on. If that doesn’t work, I guess we’ll have to either go with a darker color or wallpaper. Why the fuck did I ever have to do this wall art?!

The assholes next door have been home for the most part, as usual, sitting on their asses. The van’s on one of its many trips out right now, though.

God, do I dread this weekend!

I’m reconsidering the exercise machine once again. Maybe I should get it and just build. That doesn’t take numerous hours a day like shaping/toning does. I’ll just have too much muscle rather than too much fat, but I think that if most of us had to choose which one we had an excess of, it’d be the muscle.

As I was doing some printing yesterday, I noticed that the second to last call made by Tammy was on the 5th. Well, of course. The day before Doe’s birthday. She was calling to pressure me into calling Doe on her birthday. The last call still has me baffled, but my guess is that rather than deal with acknowledging my letter and going off on me about it like she probably intended to do that time she tried calling twice, she decided she’d play dumb with the hopes that things would carry on as usual so she wouldn’t have to deal with it.

Later…

I made the mistake of calling Tammy back, who still insists on calling. I figured I could hold her off and keep her at arm’s length at least till we moved, but from here on out, if she calls again, I’m ignoring her just like with the others for damn sure. There’s nothing anyone can do to ever get me to talk to her again, any more than with the others. I’ve had it for good with anyone named O or G, and that includes Lisa. I hate to give her up, but I have no choice and again, sometimes you have to give up the good in order to give up the bad. Reuniting with her when she’s an adult and on her own would only open up an old can of worms, bringing the past and its people with it, to haunt me all over again. I’m haunted enough as it is. For the rest of my life, I’ll have to deal with thoughts and memories of these people popping into my head at any given time of the day and tormenting me, and this is hard enough to live with.

She called swearing that she wasn’t dumping me and that she wasn’t trying to pressure me into doing anything I didn’t want to do (could’ve fooled me!). All she wanted to do was talk about her feelings. She said she doesn’t give a fuck about Ma, but that she still has feelings for Dad. Well, that’s between her and him, as it is, but I understand we can’t help our feelings. Then she started to tell me something about his carotid artery, making his throat and vocal muscles paralyzed. She said he can talk, but it’s very hard for him and that he’s hard to understand (oh, so they called me a few weeks ago so I could feel sorry for them, huh? They figured they’d use a little pity trip as a way of snaring back into their sick little web of abuse and going through the same old sick cycle). This is when I came out and told her that due to her hyping things up in the past, I had no way of believing or knowing just how ill someone really was when the report was coming from her. She told everyone she was dying when she lived in Texas. She blamed that one on having no self-esteem. Well, I was no angel myself, and I had no self-esteem for a while there either, but I didn’t go around telling people I was dying.

The fact that I felt no emotion whatsoever over Art’s condition, tells me all the more how badly he and his associates have hurt me time and time again. It may take years, but you can only fuck with your kids so many times before they’ll be gone forever. I just thank God he wouldn’t allow me kids so that this cycle could be broken, cuz it won’t break with Tammy. Larry’s nothing like Dureen and Art was, fortunately, but that’s only when the whoring wimp’s home.

Anyway, our conversation ended with her asking for examples of how she’s hyped things up. After the dying in Texas incident, I told her I didn’t buy Bill’s so-called cancer for a minute, and this is when she screamed oh, fuck off and hung up. Well, Tammy, that’s exactly what I’ll do. In fact, I’ll make damn sure to fuck off for the rest of your life. I promise. You asked for it, you got it. Meanwhile, you’ll have to talk to someone else about your feelings. I don’t need any more shit from these people and 33 years of it is more than enough.

I watched Tom’s father struggle with cancer until he died. I saw what it did to him. Meanwhile, Bill’s not only alive, but his health is just wonderful. According to what Tom and I read about lymphoma online, he should be long dead, not that I wish he weren’t.

The very beginning of our little chat started out with her not knowing we were seriously moving (not a word about our anniversary). Oh yeah, we’re damn serious. We just can’t get the fuck out of here fast enough! With our luck, we really will be here till September or even October. Even 7-8 more weeks seems like a year.

Later…

I added Tammy to my mailing list, so that’s Tammy, Larry, the folks, the bitch, the freeloaders, the collie people, and Andy that’ll be hearing from me one last time when we move. 1 manila envelope to Tammy, 1 to Larry, 1 to the folks, 1 to Andy, and 2 to the bitch. 3 regular envelopes to the Mexicans and 1 to the collie people. A total of 10 pieces. I also inserted a couple of sheets of old journal shit in the envelopes I had printed pictures on the backs of, so Bob will get a total of 6 and Paula will get 15. I’ll send them out weekly.

Our freeloaders are doing a different routine tonight. Instead of lights out by 8:00 with the blinds drawn and the van there for the night, their blinds are open, I can see a light down the hall that may be coming from one of the bedrooms (there are 2 in front/1 in back), and the van is nowhere in sight. Maybe the late-night scream I gave them has them a little on guard.

I’m surprised I haven’t seen the little kids outside playing in the late afternoons lately. Maybe they do get a little sensitive to temps over 100º.

TUESDAY, JUNE 15, 1999 Half a decade married! It’s been a great half a decade, that’s for sure. Despite his being a disorganized slob and not very good in bed, I couldn’t be more blessed.

He picked up some primer today for the wall art. I knew we’d have trouble covering most of the Goddamn wall art I wish to hell I never did. He picked up a couple of gallons of it and I hope it works. He’s gonna put a coat of it on the wall art tomorrow.

I’ve seen the people that own the house across the street over there, and I saw a jeep pull in there last night. All it did was pull in, sit for a few minutes, then leave. Right now it appears empty, but I’m sure that soon enough the new batch of kids will arrive. Maybe, though, the owners will be pickier with whom they rent this time around. I know we’re not gonna be here much longer, but I don’t want a dog barking non-stop from right across there!

Again, from what I could see, it was lights out next door at 8:00. Why so early? Well, not all of them were early on hitting the sack. Some kid was dropped off at 1:30 AM in two cars. Why it took two cars to drop off this boy of 18-21 who’s definitely not supposed to be there, beats me.

I typed a brief yet perfect little get-the-fuck-out-lazies!/I’m-gonna-report-you-to-the-city letter that I was gonna claim was from that guy we saw talking to them that also talked to Tom, and tape it to the back of their van at 3 AM last night, but I chickened out. Not because I feared what they’d do if they saw me, but because it’d be just my shit luck that they’d come to this door inquiring about it and maybe asking if we knew this man when Tom was home and awake. Naturally, all we’d have to do is deny knowing a damn thing about it, but the paranoia it’d bring upon Tom may very well kill him. So, instead of typing it to ‘Resident’ at their address with no return address, I handwrote a bogus name, put the return address as being across the street and a few houses down, and then in the lower-left corner of the envelope, I wrote: $10 Wal-Mart certificate enclosed. This way, just in case they would’ve thrown the envelope away seeing that it wasn’t addressed to them, they should at least want that certificate.

I can’t believe the mailman hasn’t given me a piece of their mail yet! Most of the mail we get that isn’t ours, although it improved after the 10th complaint, is to N. 21 Dr.

Anyway, the Mexicans will be getting 3 envelopes from me. I decided they should read up on their party review, after all.

Tom sees I was right - no one next door works. He suggested that the guy with the van could be on disability, but admits that it’d be unlikely for a couple to be on disability together. I don’t think they are. I think she’s on welfare and that he’s just freeloading off of her and that he got that van illegally.

Later…

Got an anniversary card from Kim. That was nice of her to remember, unlike someone who’s supposed to be my best friend. That is unless he calls later. I wouldn’t be surprised if he did call later, only I doubt he’ll even acknowledge our anniversary. A part of that could be his jealousy, though, and not just his pot brain with its dead memory cells and his being wrapped up in his own self. A friend shouldn’t have to get another friend a gift, or even send a card on birthdays and anniversaries, but a simple, quick phone call would be nice. A simple “happy anniversary.” But you know how it is, you can’t make people care about things they just don’t care about.

Guess I didn’t re-offend him by sending him the last letter I sent him clarifying what I meant by his jumping from subject to subject. Personally, I wouldn’t have cared if I did. I have better things to do than smooth over any ruffled feathers Andy might have and I’m just not in the mood to smooth over his poor little hurt feelings right now if he’s got any.

Later…

The freeloaders look like they may be getting their yard done now, although I don’t hear anything. There’s an old beat-up truck with a cage-like back that’s parked on the street in front of their house. I was wondering when they were gonna stop watering and start cutting that grass. Could just be one of the many assholes that visit them, though.

I hope it’s as hot as they say it’s going to be this weekend, although I’m sure they’ll still be outside acting like wild little assholes, blaring music from their house. At least half a dozen cars will have to visit, too. Everybody’s always gotta go next door. Next door just can’t go to them. If it’s not as rowdy as last Saturday, then it’ll be like Sunday was. Sunday was in between Saturday’s nightmare and yesterday’s and today’s peace. In fact, if they were like they have been today and yesterday every day that we’re still here, we’d have it made, but that’s just not gonna happen. They said it was supposed to be 102º the day they partied, but Tom said it couldn’t have even hit 100º. They say this weekend’s to be 105º. A little hotter, if not much, but like I said, still won’t keep them from ruling the outdoors.

MONDAY, JUNE 14, 1999 I’ve got a ton of stuff to write about. A ton! I may not remember everything in the first shot, so I may have to come back and make additions as more things come to me. I wasn’t in a good frame of mind to take notes for the most part, and yes, it has to do with our wonderful freeloaders. Besides the lovely welfare bums, though, I was quite busy. Before getting to next door, let me get other things out of the way first.

I’m having second thoughts about an exercise machine. It’d take hours and hours of working out every day to get the ideal body and to really make a difference in my muscle tone and my appearance. I just don’t have the desire to work out 8 hours a day. I’m never gonna be smaller than I have been the last 6-7 months, and I’m never gonna be under 108 pounds again, either. Not without starving or being ill. So, it’s best I just accept that and do the best I can to maintain the muscle and appearance I’ve got now, but I’m not gonna drive myself crazy with it and slave myself 8 hours a day. I’ll never be thin again and that’s that.

I’m hoping to get Trio 2 sometime soon. I forgot about that till I remembered it the other day. That’s the second album Linda, Dolly, and Emmylou did together. They put out their first one in ‘87 when I was living on Oswego Sreet in Springfield.

That wasn’t Andy who called Saturday morning when I last wrote. I was surprised he didn’t call me on Saturday, though. He chose Sunday evening instead. He told me that he and Michelle had been having fun going to gay bars.

I did get a call on Saturday morning from someone else, though. I got up at 8:00 that morning and saw that my dear old sister called. When I went to listen to her message, I got the exact opposite of what I expected to hear. I expected her to really lay into me and cuss me out and cut me down in every way possible, but instead, all she said was hi, hope to talk to you guys soon. What’s going on here? Is she playing dumb, or did she not get my fuck you letter? Well, in hopes of keeping her at a distance till we can split, I sent her a letter saying that I just needed time and would contact her once we moved, but as you know, I’ll do no such thing.

The last 3 days we spent painting the house. Tom was sandblasting the pool steps, too. It’s got a way to go but is moving along sure enough. He packed some more in the back room and took the shelves down that were bracketed to one wall.

We decided to celebrate our anniversary on his birthday. We’ll go to Red Lobster that day, and to Wal-Mart to pick each other up some cheap little $10 gift. We don’t want to be spending any money right now what with the move coming up, and you know how we are - just being together, happy and healthy, is what matters most.

OK, freeloader update - the nightmare began just after I last wrote last Saturday morning. The only thing they haven’t taken from me yet is my sleep. And they also haven’t gotten that dog yet or blasted in and out with car stereos, but they certainly took my peace away from me last Saturday. That’s the only credit I can give these sick, sorry, motherfuckers I’d like to kill so bad. God, I am so sick of blacks, Mexicans, Mormons, and assholes!!!! Someone’s gotta set these fuckers straight. They’ve got to be taught that having a subsidized house is not a ticket to making a scene for the whole neighborhood.

Saturday was like having the blacks and Mormons all over again all rolled into one. The ironic part of it was that this wild party followed the party the blacks had back in June of ‘96 to a T, with the exception of the car stereos. The similarity in it was almost scary, but that’s what you get when you got blacks or Mexicans on your shoulders. I never hated them as much as I do now. They are the rudest, hateful, mean, selfish, subhuman species I’ve ever known, and God should be ashamed of himself for creating such fucking assholes! What did I ever do to these assholes for God to sic them on me as he has?!

The party was also on a Saturday, it also was in June (the 8th rather than the 12th), they too, had a zillion cars over there, they partied for 12 hours, they barbecued, they played music from their house, and a ton of adult and kid’s voices could be heard carrying on throughout the whole ordeal. Like I said, the party was almost identical to the blacks.

Just when I was thinking that these people just might be OK after all, what with God knowing we’re moving soon, I found out the hard way how wrong I was, and boy was it hard to restrain myself. I wanted to let them have it soooooo bad with no regard to Tom’s reminding me that no human being can beat up 16 people. I was too mad to care. Yeah, I probably would’ve gotten my ass kicked, but it would’ve been worth it. These freeloaders don’t know just how lucky they are, though. It’s only because it’s temporary (besides Tom’s wanting to always do things the legal way) but had we no plans to move, you bet I’d lose it on them! I’m so sick of these fucking freeloaders partying at our expense. We pay for them to sit on their asses all day and they treat us like shit in return for it. When is this country gonna wake the fuck up and change its totally unfair laws?! These scum suckers have got to go. We can’t keep supporting them for 3 or more years at a time and have them carry on in society the way they do. No wonder there are so many racists! Well, the hatred they get is exactly what they ask for. They get what they deserve when they encounter racism. If they learned how to carry on like respectful, productive, normal, non-selfish, non-destructive, non-lazy human beings, then maybe people would see them in a different light. Meanwhile, you carry on like a fucking selfish asshole, desperate for attention, no one’s going to like you or give a damn. From here on out, I don’t care if they see me spying on them, I don’t care if they hear me singing at night, I don’t care what they think about the complaints the city’s gonna receive on them, but I’ll tell you one thing right now and this is a fact, not a threat - if any of these assholes come to my door, the reaction won’t be just verbal like it was with that black bitch. There’ll be no words coming out of my mouth and I don’t care if there are 50 of them.

There’s a chance they may get complained about by others, too. That guy who asked Tom what the story was with them was talking to one of the people who attended the party, and he might be lodging a complaint. We think he was trying to weed out any info he could from the guy. Also, their rowdiness set off someone’s house alarm in back somewhere. The reason we’re gonna wait till next week to send off our letter is so that the city doesn’t think we mistook their noise for moving-in noise. By then these losers will have been here 3 weeks. Also, Tom wants to wait till we get closer to moving, cuz he thinks that they’ll react just the opposite of the blacks. He thinks it’ll provoke them into being louder, and that they’re “blatantly illegal.” They go to extremes and push it to the limit till they can’t get away with their shit anymore, then they go elsewhere and start all over again. They don’t mind getting evicted, either. Yeah, but the city’s not gonna just keep moving them around. If they get evicted enough times, then they’re on their own, and if they’re too lazy to work, what are they gonna do? Guess they’ll have to deal drugs, won’t they? That’s probably why so many Mexicans and blacks deal in the first place. It’s easier than working. They’re just so anti-work. “Blatantly fucked” is what they are, and no matter when we move, or what they do, they’re gonna get theirs and I’m gonna see to it. No matter what happens from here on out, and regardless of the fact that they have been much quieter, the city and the mayor’s gonna be hearing from us. Someone’s gotta teach these assholes that they can’t keep up with the same old cycle of shit and that their avenues will run out on them.

Anyway, from the looks of it, Saturday was a special occasion. We thought one of the millions of kids was having a birthday party, but it may’ve been more like a housewarming party, cuz I thought I saw someone carrying a gift as they arrived, and Tom saw a box for a blender in the dumpster. I thought housewarming parties were supposed to be for those who owned houses, not rented.

At 10:00, the music began. Not from cars, but from inside the house. It didn’t have the bass that rap music has, and with no fans, you could only hear it in the music room, and faintly in the bedroom. That was enough for me, though, so I went out front just as half a dozen adults and half a dozen kids were pulled up in two cars and told them to turn the music down.

A woman said, “We don’t have any music.”

I mentioned the music coming from the house, and she said she’d tell them. Believe it or not, the music did get softer. I could still hear it in the music room, but it did actually get softer. But not right away. No, these rebellious little fucks, that are a total, total carbon copy of the phony black cock, took their sweet time in lowering it. Nothing could be heard at all over fans, the music was never close to being loud enough to wake me up, and neither was anything else they did, but we both heard enough. The illegality of it and knowing that it’s our tax dollars that lets them carry on this way is what really burned me up. And how dare God give people like this any kids let alone so many! I don’t want a kid, and he did the right thing by not allowing me one, but I swear, he wants kids to go to the fuck-ups of this world. That was obvious a long time ago, and I try not to let things that I can never change get to me, but it’s hard at times. I’d have gone after them for damn sure if I knew we weren’t moving, and I’d have been way more stressed out and tight-chested. I’d have slept like shit too, always waking up, but I slept OK. Not going to sleep till the party was breaking up helped, too. In fact, I went to sleep at the exact same time I did the night of the freeloader’s big bash.

I thought about opening the music room window and giving them a sample of my music, but as Tom said, they wouldn’t even think twice about it, cuz it’s so much a part of their lives and everyday living.

When I asked Tom what our compensation would be for the new house, since God puts strings attached to everything he lets me have and seemingly with him too, he said this is our compensation. I hope he’s right!

It just couldn’t get dark fast enough, but not even that stopped them from hanging outside yelling and screaming. I can’t believe our yard wasn’t littered like hell. They sat on their cars and were everywhere! In back, in front, in the carport, in the driveway. The house was infested with adults and kids. I knew the heat wouldn’t keep them inside, although conveniently, God’s been keeping things pretty mild around here weather-wise. I kept wishing it was December, cuz I’d think that any normal human being wouldn’t want to be out on a cold winter evening, but these people are anything but normal, and not even human as far as I’m concerned.

Let’s see…besides the 5-hour concert, there were at least a dozen cars, and of course, they kept coming and going. They’re all so fucking fat over there that they probably had to keep going to the store for hot dogs and shit like that (they were barbecuing), among lines of coke, no doubt.

For cars - there was the ranchero, the gold one, the darker gold one, some dark green one, the furniture truck, the blue pickup, a silver pickup, an older white car, a new white car, a red and white van, and more.

The voices were non-stop for 12 hours, and I almost screamed shut up out back by the wall just to make me feel better. However, I knew that if Tom heard me, he’d be paranoid that Iran’s army would come hunt us down and kill us for it.

This is really gonna hurt us trying to sell this place. These people fuck those up who just want to live their lives in peace in so many ways. No one wants to move into a Mexican neighborhood with their loud, overcrowded, selfish, rude lifestyle. I just hope God sends us someone who doesn’t mind the noise, but I know better than to ask him for any favors.

Yesterday, I heard horn-honking, a woman saying, “Fucking son of a bitch,” and the kids’ screams that would come in intermittent bouts. Like I said, it was blacks and Mormons all over again. The blue pickup was over there for a while yesterday. Just like with the bitch, they can’t go a day in their lives without some car showing up there. The fat broad in the ranchero was the visitor of today, but today’s been amazingly quiet. Today they’re pretty much back to being how they were up till Saturday. Not even the kids are out for their evening stroll in the street.

My neighbor at the Vista, Mary B, wasn’t kidding when she said that where there’s 1 there are 50 of these things. There had to have been a total of 50 people, counting adults and kids.

SATURDAY, JUNE 12, 1999 Our beautiful freeloaders have been predictable, outdoors, at home practically all the time, and have company every day. I can't believe there's only been one bout of music and that there's no dog yet, but I still have a dog vibe.

The van's been in and out already and is in and out a dozen times a day. At least, like I said before, they hop in and go. They don't slam doors a dozen times to get my attention along the way. I heard them talking in their carport, but couldn't make out anything that was said. I saw a broom handle leaning against the house and saw that their driveway was wet, so they've been watering again.

Here we go again with the weekend calls from Andy. That's OK, though, cuz if all goes well and as planned, there should only be about 8 weekends left here.

Anyway, there's a gold car here, but it's not the same gold car that the older couple drive. At least I don't think it is. It seems darker. I think that whoever drives this car has kids, but don't all freeloaders? Yesterday, about 4-5 animals were out front. Amazingly, the only sound I heard was when one of them decided to beat its hand on the basketball hoop pole that still stands.

FRIDAY, JUNE 11, 1999 This is the third morning I’ve woken up to spots. They go away after I’ve been up for a little while. It’s obviously accumulating in my sleep, then when my body’s upright after awakening, I bleed a little.

The day before yesterday I was up for 18 hours and slept for only 6 hours. I wasn’t tired, though. Yesterday I was up about 16, your normal number of hours that you’re up for, but then I only slept 5 hours. I crashed last night close to midnight and got up just before 5:00. I’m a little tired. This is good, though, cuz I’m gonna need to be on days as much as I can while we’re prepping and moving.

The bird clock’s dead already? But we just changed the batteries. Damn, those sounds really suck up the juice!

I don’t know why I’ve been calling the house I like best a Redman model when it’s a Palm Harbor. It gets hard to keep track of all the names. There’s Shultz, Redman, Cavco, Palm Harbor, and more.

Later…

The gold car just came next door, and again, I swear this old couple’s white. The guy was on crutches. It’s weird, though. Why would this seemingly well-to-do white couple want to associate with poor, lazy old scum? I don’t have a bad vibe on next door for the weekend, but unless the Ranchero or some other vehicle bangs in, I shouldn’t. That’s because I’m still pretty sure that the weekends will be just like the weekdays and when you don’t work, and none of the people you know work, your daily routine tends to be the same whether it’s the weekend or not.

The gold car’s leaving. This time, someone’s in the backseat with them. The guy’s nauseating, though. Totally anorexic. It seems that the guys I’ve seen over there are bone-thin while the women are huge. Except for the one that comes with the girl in the blue pickup.

Once again, though, just like with the blacks, all the vehicles except for the Ranchero have been nice and fairly new. Whoever it is that owns the van, does not work. I doubt they inherited the money to buy the van and laze around. They either stole the money for the van. Stole something and cashed it in so they could buy the van. Or they’re dealing drugs or doing something illegal in order to afford the van and laze off.

THURSDAY, JUNE 10, 1999 Tom said the war was over. I don’t watch the news. Too depressing. So I asked him which war he was talking about and he said we were bombing some country I’d never heard of. I asked why the slut president felt that was necessary and he said just because. That’s what’s really scary. If you can bomb innocent people in other countries, why not in your own country? People are sick enough to let their friends and family be killed just so they can take down the whole country and more. And then of course there’s our wonderful God to fear and despise for letting this happen.

Yesterday, I saw a young fat girl move the Ranchero to let the blue pickup out, driven by the fat girl and the guy. A couple of hours later, the Ranchero left. No music.

It looks like we may have more Mexicans moving in next door. There’s a gold pickup I’ve never seen before, and then the blue one was here for a while, too. The van’s been in all day. The van didn’t take off till late afternoon yesterday, but for how many times, I don’t know. Anyway, I saw tons of kids and adults carrying kids’ toys into the house. See, this is the problem with Mexicans. They cause overcrowding due to the way they breed like rabbits. Take a house, any house, and you’ve got wall-to-wall Mexicans.

Some guy was asking Tom, as he pulled in today, what the scoop was with next door. I guess we’re not the only ones who aren’t happy about it being a rental, and even more so that it’s an overcrowded rental owned by the city. So, Tom’s gonna send a letter to the city using the address we’ve been using to let them know of the overcrowding in a couple of days. If they start being noisy, the letter will go in right away, to the city and to the mayor.

I decided the pack of freeloaders isn’t worth the ink and paper, so I’ve decided to print the 15 or so pages I have on them and mail that in a regular envelope. I’m not gonna mail them all I’ll write about them while we’re here and send it to them in a manila envelope like with the blacks.

If I said it before, I’ll say it again - thank God there’s no hoop over there! I still can’t believe how quiet they’ve been though, as far as the kids go, and as far as that one bass attack being all we’ve heard so far. I just hope we’re out of here by the time the weather starts cooling down!

The fucking freeloaders are overloading the dumpster. I did say, after all, that there’s a lot of trash next door. God! Why me? Huh?! Why is it always next to me?!

Tom got the paints today (the yellow for the cabinets is called yellow rose) and we’re gonna begin painting this weekend. Right now, he thinks we can be moved by early August. I hope he’s right! At least my October vibe has faded. Even September’s a little weak, so that’s good.

Later…

Damn, these fucking distractions! I’m trying to talk to my husband, but the fucking phone which rings non-stop, just won’t fucking quit! When am I gonna be paid back enough, God? When are we going to let the past be the past and move on, huh? How much more payback do I deserve? Maybe someday he’ll forgive me for my mistakes as well as for my forefathers.

Both pickups have left, but how many people are in that house right now and how many are living there for sure, is still unclear. I just know there are close to a dozen and that most of them aren’t supposed to be there.

I forgot to mention that Tom said Butterscotch lunged at him the other night. He just charged at him when he was walking by to let Shiny out. I believe it. He is a meany. The most aggressive of the rats.

I cleaned the rat’s cage today and put newspaper in place of sawdust. I want to see how well it absorbs, how messy it is, and how much they like it, although I tend to think they don’t give a damn one way or the other. I’m hoping this will work out, cuz I’m getting a little tired of their kicking sawdust outside the cage.

Also, I cleaned the bar walls of the cage. It took me nearly 3 hours to clean it rung by rung.

I just can’t wait to move! The only sad part of it is that when we do move into that bigger, nicer, more modern home with its beautiful desert landscape and its peace and quiet, there’ll be a price to pay for it. You think God’s gonna let me have it sweet and nice with no strings attached? Think again! That’s not the way God works with me. Every good thing he lets me have has a string or two attached. I don’t know what the payment’s gonna be, though. Could be something wrong with the house, something wrong with us, more problems at work for Tom. My guess is that he’ll have things within the house, among our stuff, break or not work right. It’d be just my luck to move and find that the dishwasher doesn’t work, but at least we’ll be out of here!

I mentioned to Tom certain things I saw happening when we moved, including that the sex would remain as it has been. Then he had the nerve to say he would go down on me but was hesitant cuz he doesn’t want me to pretend I’ve cum. What a lame excuse. Why does he always have to make up some bogus excuse, or pin the blame on me, instead of just coming out and admitting that he doesn’t want to? It’s plain and simple - he doesn’t want to. He can just say so. Not make excuses.

The nerve of him, though, cuz wasn’t it him that was the pretender for a while there? Wasn’t it him that claimed to be cumming most of the time for many months till I spilled the beans on him and let him know I knew better? I told him how it was quite ironic how things changed as soon as I spilled the beans on him. When I pointed this out to him, though, he said that it comes and goes in spurts. Yeah, right. Uh-huh. Tom, you’re great at just about everything, but you’re a lousy liar. I mean how fucking convenient to say that, huh? He says the reason he hasn’t been cumming lately is cuz he’s had problems, be it colds, his back, etc. But he always has a problem. Ever since I knew him, there was a problem. Some are legit, but my gut instinct tells me that most of them were just excuses.

I hope he isn’t forgetting the important thing and that’s that he can never cum again if that’s what he wants, as long as he’s happy, doesn’t lie, or play games. I appreciate the fact that he hasn’t put me through the sexual head games he used to, like the I-forgot-how-to-screw game he used to play with me when he wouldn’t go inside.

Oh, did I tell you yet how he’s changed from guessing we’ll have a child to that being a logical thing to happen? Yeah, he feels a kid is logical cuz of how our lives are going. That’s what he said in the past several times. Well, he can stay in denial all he wants and believe what he wants, but I know two things. That it can’t happen no matter how our lives are going, and that it’s still not what I want.

Later…

The van’s made a couple of its multi-trips out.

Again, the little animals are out with the sunset. It amazes me that I can see them, but I can’t hear them.

Tom and I were talking about how mish-mashed this house is. Some of the baseboards are wood, some are vinyl. Some of the plugs/outlets are wood, some are plastic. They used two different types of wood to do the kitchen cabinets and two different shades of yellow. A darker shade for the upper cabinets and a lighter for the bottom. Then there’s the shade of yellow that’s in the tiles, and the contact paper that’s white with yellow wicker-like stripes that’s on a few of the cabinet doors. Of course, there’s also that blue/green paint I painted on, too. Then you have the disgustingly ugly floor colors of gold, dark orange, and brown.

Tom’s mom sent us an anniversary card with a $25 check.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 9, 1999 Been here for 7 years today!

More evidence has come in to make my mass ovulation theory a little more likely. I can’t say for sure, cuz I’m no expert, but I just had a big spot. I’ve noticed I tend to spot after having those mid-cycle pains. I’ve read you can bleed a little when you ovulate, so if you can bleed from ovulating one egg, imagine how you could bleed from releasing a lot of eggs. Normally, you’re not supposed to be able to feel yourself ovulate, but if the ovary wall is opening up wider than usual, with a lot of eggs going through it like a bunch of people trying to cram through a doorway, maybe you could feel it. Any kind of cyst is out of the question, cuz those grow for a long time before they hurt, and it would’ve shown up last December. Why it feels like a UT infection, though, beats me, but I find it awfully hard to believe I’m getting a UT every month at the same time of month. Also, I had no cramps. Usually, when the bleeding’s coming from the uterus, you have cramps, but I never had cramps.

If my theory is right, though, it makes no sense. It’s totally against destiny. Why would God allow me to release so many eggs at once if he knew a kid wasn’t meant to be unless the eggs were maybe dead? I can see it making sense if a kid was meant to be to bypass his not cumming, but since it’s not, I just don’t get it, if this is the case.

If God can do anything, though, and if I’m right about a kid not being meant to be, then it doesn’t matter if Tom doesn’t feel comfortable with cumming, and it doesn’t matter how many eggs I do or do not have, dead or alive.

Now I’ve got quite an update on Andy, which for the most part, isn’t very good.

We finally got to talk yesterday. I couldn’t believe he didn’t leave me any messages last weekend, but I think I know why. He started off by telling me that when he got the letter I sent to Gary’s house, he was not a happy camper and he suggested I don’t include my journal excerpts. He said I was so mean and he was offended by the following excerpt:

I first showed him my dolls, then the animals. He had trouble focusing, though, and I couldn’t get his attention to hold on to any one subject for too long. If I’d comment about the dolls, he’d ask about the rats. If I’d comment about the mice, he’d ask about objects in the back room.

When I wrote this I didn’t mean it to be “mean.” I meant it to be simply a fact like if I said I was short, I was hyper, I had asthma, etc. It was just an observation I made, and I do the same thing all the time. We both do. We’ve both always been on the hyper side and tended to repeat ourselves a lot and jump from subject to subject, and even he himself has admitted to this. It isn’t just him and I’m not saying he’s a bad person for it. I was simply stating what I perceived his state of mind to be at the time. It was sort of like he was distracted and had his mind on other things. I never meant to imply that he wasn’t paying any attention at all to the things I was saying, although yes, Andy has always had a problem with being a little on the selfish side and once again, he’s even admitted this, and has said that he’s gonna do what he wants to do.

I was right about his suspicions too, cuz I’ve dumped my sister and parents in the past and he never wondered if he was next back then. Now, though, he’s wondering if he could be next cuz I seem to have a problem with his ways, he says. There was no way I was gonna lie. I told him “I don’t know what the future holds with that.” Then I guess my dumping him won’t hit him as hard or surprise him as much.

Andy mentioned how he doesn’t dump people so easily, and he’s right. My having a hard time tolerating his ways, and my not sticking to the friendship as faithfully as he has, is my problem. In fact, if I had to pick Andy’s best quality, it’d be his sticking to friendships and not dumping people. I sort of envy him. I wish I could be as faithful and as tolerant, but on the other hand, I used to be that way and found that that was what got me in so many jambs with people. By sticking by and tolerating fuck-ups like Fran for as long as I did, I ended up having to deal with all his shit for as long as I did. Same goes for Nervous and so many others. I’m not saying I didn’t give them any shit in return, but things have changed. I think Andy’s in denial, not willing to accept that we’ve become so different from one another, but it’s true. I’m very very picky as to who I associate with nowadays, and not as tolerant as Andy is or as I used to be. I’m not saying his ways are wrong (except for the pot and the smokes, cuz it’s always wrong when we abuse our bodies) I’m just saying I’m bored, sick of, and annoyed by them, and that’s my own problem. If it’s wrong, or a weakness on my part, then so be it, but it’s not his fault.

It’s tough for me with my conflicting feelings. A part of me wants to stick by him like he’s stuck by me, not dump him, try to be more accepting and tolerant of his ways, and risk the consequences of being in his car again with his pot. Even though he’s a damn good driver, anything’s possible. The other part, the much bigger part, says to walk away for reasons that I’ve already gone through a million times.

Later…

The blue/green pickup’s here now. Also, the van apparently made its first trip in and out for the day, because it’s parked in a different spot than it was earlier.

Back to Andy. What it comes down to is that we’ve just become very different people with very different interests. I’m not saying I’m not doing some things I was doing back in the 80s, like journaling, and I’m not saying we have literally nothing in common, I’m just saying that his ways aren’t for me anymore, and I don’t want a druggie for a friend anymore. I’m just bored with his ways and I’m tired of talking to someone that’s baked out of his mind nearly every time we talk, and who just doesn’t get or remember half the things I say. Or write. He just gets on my nerves. If that makes me a Dureen, in a sense, for being so non-accepting and non-tolerating, then so be it, but I feel it’s best to walk away from him than to try to change him. I’ve politely asked him certain favors, like not eating on the phone, which I don’t think is asking too much, but to try to change everything about him that bugs me would be trying to change him. Meanwhile, he’s got other people he can call who’ll accept and tolerate his ways. Even if he backs off the phone like he has as soon as he suspected he was next, it’s still time to move on. We’ve done our time together and we’ve done what we were destined to do for each other (but I’m not always sure what I was supposed to have done for him).

Wow, it’s the 9th and I’m already on the 20th page for this month. For last month, I was only on the 4th page or so by this time.

Later…

The girl and the guy in the blue/green pickup just left. I remember seeing them when they were unloading the pickup. They’re fairly young. He’s sort of beefy and she’s your classic fat mom, but not as fat as the lady that lives there. She has long hair. It was pulled back in a ponytail with a white scrunchy.

What? Did we forget something? The pickup just came right back, then went right back out again.

We didn’t finish our discussion about his trip (cuz Tom came home and I wanted to spend a little time with him before he had to crash), but I’m very happy with him for the fact that he didn’t try contacting Tammy. I appreciate his respecting my wishes. I’m shocked he hasn’t mentioned God or food, but I’m sure he will soon enough. Again, this isn’t something I detest with a passion. So be it if he wants to tell me about God and the food he eats. Just because I think he’s delusional about God for the most part, and just because I think he’s making a pig of himself and making himself sick, doesn’t mean he’s wrong for it. He can believe what he wants and eat what he wants. It’s just that it gets old, that’s all. I still can’t figure out, though, if he’s stuffing himself to reflect Michelle onto himself, or if he’s doing it to make himself sick so he can have an excuse to avoid working.

All he really told me was that it didn’t rain on him, miraculously, but that it was hot, muggy, and cloudy the whole time he was there. He didn’t get to spend much time at the beach cuz of the cloudiness, and cuz Jenny, Gary’s girlfriend, fucked him out of having some time to himself at the cottage. So did Jenny’s stepfather. I guess he just had to do some work on a cottage wall at the time Andy wanted to be there. Then Jenny came down and took a whole slew of people along with her that live barely an hour away and that could’ve used the cottage any other time. Well, that whole family and its associates have always been notorious for being rude. Except for Marla, although she’s been rather rude to Charlotte. I agree with Andy as far as that goes - fine. Don’t be nice to Charlotte. But let the past go and don’t be rude and tell her you didn’t mean to say hello when you accidentally did cuz you thought it was someone else. I haven’t had any experience with Linda other than the phone chat we had last December, but I can see what Andy means when he says he feels like he’s walking on eggshells when he’s around her. I can see how she may be hard to deal with. This is why I haven’t contacted her as much as Marla. Judy and Al have always been phony, rude, selfish, vindictive, lying, gossiping trashholes, and the brothers are unstable little druggies themselves. Most of the family treats poor Andy like an outsider who no longer belongs cuz he’s even more different and cuz he’s moved away.

I don’t know what really happened in the 70s with our parents. Was it Judy and Al’s fault? Dureen and Art’s? Both? Don’t know and don’t care. All I’m saying is that I’ll never know for sure what went down, but I do know this - I know what these people are capable of. I’m sure they all fucked each other over. Shitfucks shit on other shitfucks all the time. An asshole for an asshole. That sort of thing. Know what I’m saying?

Meanwhile, I sent a note to Andy explaining the excerpts to hopefully smooth over his poor little feelings for now. I’m trying not to make any waves till we can get out of here. I’ll put up with a little more than I normally would, cuz it’s only for a few more months. It’s not like I don’t care about his feelings at all. I do, but at the same time, I can only spend so much time worrying about his precious, fragile feelings. I’m sure he can relate to that, too.

Speaking of precious, fragile feelings, I’m both surprised and not surprised that I haven’t gotten a call from Tammy about the letter I sent her explaining why I don’t want anything to do with her. Again, not that it’d change a damn thing, but just to express myself, which always feels good. I’m surprised cuz I know a letter like she got would upset her, but I’m not surprised cuz she probably wouldn’t want to give me the satisfaction of a reaction, but she’d be falsely flattering herself if that’s what she thought it’d be. A reaction wouldn’t satisfy me at all. No way. I don’t want to know she exists.

Anyway, the next thing I’m going to cover that Andy told me about makes me think, what a total, total loser! How desperate! What a waste of time! But hey, it’s his life. It doesn’t make it a bad thing, just because I wouldn’t want to go cross country to make out with some bar slut. He went to a new bar and made out with some guy, then had to deal with Adam’s boyfriend squeezing his ass. He didn’t want to tell Adam cuz of how happy he was. I can understand that, but poor old Adam’s happiness isn’t bound to last. He’s gotta find out sooner or later, I’d think, that his boyfriend’s a regular little whore.

I don’t know what else he did there. I’ll find out in our next conversation, but I have a feeling this is all he did.

He said that Wendy was super high all the way back there. She does major drugs like Laura did. Yeah, that’s an Andy friend for you.

He said he’s not going to be distributing notes anymore, cuz Wendy got him to see that he should be promoting peace, not terrorizing people. Good advice for a crystal druggie.

Later…

I was wrong. Tammy just tried calling twice, but I quickly picked up and hung up before a message could be left. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her I didn’t want to know she existed and that I’d erase any messages she left as soon as I heard her voice. You know how people are - gotta do the opposite of what you tell them.

An out-of-area call just came in right after the two with Mark’s number, which is typically sales, but it also says that for collect calls. Even so, I have a feeling that despite the many sales calls we get, that was Tammy trying to see if she could get through by calling collect.

I know Tammy, though. She’s a stubborn bitch who doesn’t give up. If she really wants to push her existence in my face, she’ll try again till she can leave a fuck you message, but fine. That doesn’t mean I have to listen to it or have her, her parents, or her brother in my life ever again.

I wonder, does Andy even have her number anymore? If so, he can call her and she and he can bitch about me together after I’m gone.

I asked Tom for his opinion as to my walking away from Andy and the others. He said he didn’t see the necessity of it cuz one can just let things evolve apart. Yeah, right! Not with the parents, the sister, and Andy. That’s not the way it works with them.

Later…

This is the longest stretch of time I’ve known the van to stay put. It’s been where it’s at since around 8:00 this morning. The pickup’s here again, though.

Tom sanded some more spackling and ordered the paints to be mixed. They’ll be ready tomorrow. Just the outside trim and the interior paints, though. We still have to bring them a sample of the light blue that’s on the house and hope they can match it. That way we only have to do the bad spots and not the whole house. We’re gonna be painting the exterior a glossy extreme white, and the interior walls a flat bridal gown. We need to get Blue Mist for the pool, and I don’t know what the yellow for the cabinet is called. I think that one only goes by a number, not a name.

I have more news on Andy. We talked for what seemed like forever and it took me 4 tries to get him off the phone. If I wanted to hang up at noon, for example, I’d have to start mentioning it and trying at a quarter till. Nonetheless, the conversation went well. He seemed sober and alert and spoke more fluently. Yes, most of what he told me was the same old same old, and the inevitable food and God delusion came up, but some of the things he told me were just so typical of him, that they were actually kind of amusing.

Let’s see…he left off with making out with Adam’s roommate and getting his ass squeezed by Adam’s boyfriend. After that, he went to the beach with Wendy. From what he’s told me so far, Wendy sounds pretty fucked up and selfish. He says she doesn’t do drugs as much since leaving Phoenix, though, and that she hated it here.

He didn’t see Charlotte, but he saw Natalie and Al. Natalie said to give her regards to me. Like I really care! He told me of some cottages that got modernized, including his favorite.

He said the first time he went down there, the water was unusually blue and clear. So clear you could see the bottom. What happened to that brown murky filth we always used to know? He said the place was litter-free too, till he went down the second time. He said the second time, the water was just as clear, but there was litter on the flat rocks. So, he decided that he was going to clean it up and not take any credit for it, cuz it’s best to get that from God. Gee, I wish I could get credit from God where it’s due me! I mean, what’s the trick? How does he get credit while I don’t? He said his tongue had been hurting him cuz of a decayed tooth rubbing against it, but that after he cleaned up, it was gone. He said he didn’t appreciate how Wendy bragged to a couple of people walking by that they were gonna go clean up. She never lifted a finger to help either, as Andy figured would be the case.

He said he had a lengthy discussion with his mother. His inheritance will be the condo they own in Springfield, which he doesn’t want. He says he’s gonna sell it and put the money towards buying some other house out here. Judy told him she felt he’d be happier if he sold his stuff and drove home, and that he could stay with them rent-free for as long as he needed to. Andy told her that even though his life is the same here as it was there, he’s staying here. Wendy also offered to put him up in the guy’s mansion she lives in in Brookline, New Hampshire. It’s nice to know he has all these options open to him.

He said he was bored most of the time he was there and that two weeks is too long. He said he’ll only go back there for a week at a time from now on.

Later…

Tom said he didn’t think the Ranchero would be back and that he thought it was just someone helping them out only. Well, it’s back. I knew it would be. The amazing thing about it is that I haven’t heard any music, but we’ll see. The pickup’s still here, too. None of these Mexicans work. They’re totally, totally lazy bums.

Later…

Andy finished off his visit in New Hampshire. The guy that owns the house bought an old ski resort which is the mountain his house sits on. He said the house was gorgeous and so was the view looking down into town. Wendy takes care of this house when the guy’s out of town. He owns 4 houses.

Wendy introduced him to a “functional drunk” who lives nearby. Leave it to Wendy to know such a character. He said that she had a nice house too, with a horse that was well taken care of. She was some artist, I guess, who was seeing a married man.

Andy flew out of New Hampshire and not from Bradley. He flew to Baltimore, then boarded his plane for here. He said he was sitting next to a couple of unruly boys, got up to go to the bathroom, then sat down in a different seat next to a gay guy. The guy was his type, but was from DC and only going to Phoenix for a wedding. Figures, huh? That’s just his luck. If he weren’t his type, he’d be headed for Phoenix to stay.

He told me he went to the bar when he first came back, which was loaded with your typical sluts. He said it was also the first time he went 90 minutes in a bar without smoking. He’s been thinking of quitting a lot. Aren’t most smokers?

I was right about Michelle. I knew it. I just knew it. She did get dumped by that so-called stable teacher. That so-called stable teacher was very similar to how Kacey was, telling Michelle she loved her one minute, then didn’t want her in her life the next. What a shit! She’s been getting jerked around by this girl yet she’s too stupid to keep putting up with it. She and Andy have what I believe to be a very warped idea of relationships. To them, a bad relationship is better than no relationship. I’d rather be alone than have my head played with like that. If Michelle keeps following in my footsteps like she has been, then she won’t settle down with the right person till she’s in her late 20s (she’s 24 or 25 now), and the person she settles down with just may have a dick attached to it.

Here’s the part that’s funny while it’s not funny. It’s just so Andy. Only he could end up in a situation like this with people like Beth (that’s the shit’s name). Beth is bi and has hit on Andy before. That’s when he learned the truth about Beth and decided he didn’t like her.

Andy, Michelle, and Beth went to Camelback Mountain. The three of them were sitting side by side and at one point Beth asked for a kiss, since Andy’s breath mints make your breath wonderful, as he says. Andy looked at Michelle for a response and got none, so he and Beth made out right there in front of Michelle with her watching.

Then they ended up in Andy’s bed. Everyone had their clothes on, except Beth lost her shirt at some point. Michelle was massaging her while Andy was licking her tits. Then Michelle pulled back and said, “Andy I can’t do this. You’re my friend and you’re a guy. I never wanted a threesome in the first place.” So, Andy apologized and admitted to being vulnerable and susceptible at the moment, cuz he was lonely, horny, and missing Quinn. Quinn, of all scum-sucking waste products! Quinn, I love you for hanging your ass, you little cock!

TUESDAY, JUNE 8, 1999 The van didn’t leave as early as 4:00, but I got a good look at the driver of the van, and it’s the guy I’ve seen living over there. I think I’ve got a better idea as to a headcount over there. At first I thought there were two women, a guy, and God knows how many kids over there, but now I think there’s a woman, a guy, and 4 kids. What is it with me and 4 kids? That cunt Barbara in Norwich had 4 kids, the Mormons had 4 kids, and from what I’ve seen, I’ve got 4 kids on my shoulders again.

All my predictions are ringing true so far, but I have yet to see the dog arrive, cuz I don’t think it’ll be here for another week or two. I just can’t believe how naïve and trusting the city is of its welfare bums!

The van comes and goes a million more times than the cock did, believe it or not. I find it hard to believe all these trips are to get stuff for the house. I don’t know where it’s going or why, or if it’s even legal, but at least these people don’t make such a big production out of it. They hop in the van, then after one or two door slams, they leave. They don’t hang out yelling for 10 minutes and slam doors 8 or 10 times before leaving.

Here’s another van report: Van left at 4:00, van came at 5:00, van left at 7:50, van came at 9:00, van left at 12:30, van came at around 1:00, van left at 2:30, van came at 3:30, van left at 4:45, van came at 4:00, van left at 4:10, van came at 4:30, van left and returned at least once more after 4:30. Yesterday, the van stayed in throughout the morning after returning at 9:00 and was gone at 12:30. I don’t know what time it returned, but it left again at 2:30. Then it made a quick run in and out at 4:00, left again, then came back at around 4:30. This was the last time I checked it before bed, but when I got up, I saw that the van was in a different position, so it had to have made at least one more run after 4:30. This is at least 8 times that I know of, that the van came and went. I just can’t believe this van doesn’t bang in and out! That tells me all the more that compensation from a dog is coming my way. If I can help it, though, that dog won’t be here for more than a week. Then God can go do something else to me. Tom says he doubts there’ll be a dog cuz of the patterns I usually see when I, or a move. It’s when they finally shut up or when I get a quiet neighbor that one of us moves. Well, it has been quiet so far, except for that one bass attack, and the collies. I’m very curious to see how the ranchero comes in the next time it visits. I think it’ll come in with its music much louder (Tom said it was almost as loud as the cock would play his music) cuz you know how people are - always gotta do the opposite of what you ask of them. It’s a human obsession.

Later…

The guy and the woman (I don’t know about any kids) left at 6:50 and returned at 7:11.

It’s not even 9:30 yet and already there have been two sales calls.

I’m getting bored with documenting my dreams, so I’ll just copy in what I’ve got so far, then I’ll just write the ones that really stand out. Here are the dreams I’ve written in from May 12th to June 6th:

I went back east to Massachusetts with Tom. We stayed in a motel and I went outside when it got dark and glanced up at the window above me. I saw that it was dark and assumed no one was staying above us. I remember thinking that Tom wouldn’t be seeing Connecticut or meeting anyone I knew there, due to my not being in touch with Tammy. We ended up in the yard of one of the houses I grew up in and were staying there for a while, apparently. I went out in the yard by myself. There was snow on the ground, even though we went there during the summer. I walked to a big swing set with 4-5 swings that had wicker baskets for seats. I saw a spider web on its bars and went looking for a stick to knock it down with. As I looked down on the ground, I noticed several straws from drinks. A feeling of sadness came over me at some point as I remembered how I only lived in the house 2-3 years before they sent me away. I felt cheated and like I hadn’t gotten to live there long enough. Inside the house, I pictured it set up with our stuff, then ran down the stairs into the living room where Tom was watching TV. Tom loved it there so much and when we were talking to someone about it, I said that if we did stay, it’d only be for a year, since I do love Arizona and newer, more modern places.

While back east, Tom was complaining to me about how the big maxi pad I was wearing bulged out in back. I bitched to him that hey, they were just big pads, so deal with it. It’s a normal fact of life.

A woman was playing a sex game with me, also back east, by rolling dice and touching a certain area of my crotch depending on what the dice said. At some point, I shouted that I was so horny and needed to get off. I couldn’t be teased anymore and she said, “Alright,” and kind of cupped my crotch with her hand.

In some building back east, I saw a young woman who appeared to be in her early 20s and wished I had her looks. I wished I could be just over 5’ like she was, that I was as thin as she was, and had her shorter hair and “simple eyes.” I then realized it was Jessie, who acted as if she didn’t know me.

I was alone at our supposed new home which was still sort of occupied. The people were on their way out, though. It was set up high on a hill-like slope in a crowded city by the ocean. Which ocean and where this was, I don’t know. Despite the congestion, the house was airtight enough that you couldn’t hear outside noise. At some point, people from the disability office were there, obviously doing some sort of evaluation on me. They sat at a large table in the middle of the house, while I was in one of the 3 spare bedrooms playing music. I had at least brought over my stereo, I guess. They called me out at one point to ask a question, then I went to the other end of the house to the master bedroom. Upon entering it, I wondered if it was too big for being just a bedroom, but then I decided that once the bed was in there, it’d look great. Besides, I wanted to sleep in the room that had the bathroom off it. I remember thinking that I hoped the former resident’s housekeeper would move out, since I wanted to live alone with Tom, and since I was used to the fact that if I wanted something done and done right, I had to do it myself or else it wouldn’t get done at all. I walked over to the window and admired the vast ocean view. Tears of happiness stung my eyes at the thought of living here and seeing this view every day. To the left of me, a partial statue that looked like the Statue of Liberty stuck up out of the water a few feet from shore. Then another thing dawned on me and I went out to where the group of disability evaluators sat. I asked them if they were aware of the fact that I wasn’t on disability anymore. They said no. Later on, at dusk, while I was still hanging out at the house by myself, Jim left a message saying that he and Jackie were having a party, but that they’d call later to see if I wanted one of them to pick me up and bring me over to their place for a while. I thought that was just oh so sweet of them that I called there to thank them. I couldn’t get Jackie or Jim to the phone, so I drove over to their house in my new car. Somehow, I knew the way and got there OK. I found Jackie who said, “My party ran later than expected.” I guess I stood there a little while. Then when it came time to leave, I chickened out, doubting I could find my way back safely enough, so Jackie drove me home and I asked if someone would drive my car over later. She said yes.

Apparently, I went to a GYN, who was secretive about the results of my exam. He said something about my needing steroids down there. Then I went and got into Nervous’s van and we agreed that we’d later figure out what I owed him for driving me around.

White people moved next door. I saw two cars, a woman, a man, and a boy around 10 years of age. The woman was coming towards me as I was walking towards our front door. It appeared she wanted to ask me something, but I just kept on walking and ignoring her as if I didn’t see her, not wanting to be associated with neighbors. I shut the door on her as I walked into our living room which was crowded with people.

I was watching what was supposed to be a Gloria music video, but that I also knew was no act. In real life, her son’s about 18, and her daughter’s about 4. In the dream, though, the son was about 8 and the daughter was in her teens. Gloria and her son were sitting on a couch. The daughter was crouched nearby sulking about something. Gloria was verbally coaxing the daughter to sit by her. Eventually, she did. She sat to Gloria’s left while the son was to her right. Then she leaned back against the son, who leaned back too, so that his back was to the couch while Gloria’s back was to his stomach, and she started moving up and down as if to massage the son’s stomach and her back at the same time.

I was waiting at Red Lobster for Tom to meet me there. I got there a long time before he did. At one point, I had to go to the bathroom and as I was walking toward it, I thought I saw Andy, but couldn’t be sure cuz the guy kept moving further away and the room was dimly lit.

I was in what was supposed to be this house, even though it didn’t look like this house. I was looking out our back door which was off a parking lot. A van pulled in and was parking as I shut the door, wondering if the person in the van could be a serial killer or something like that.

This dream had something to do with Tammy and Melanie. Something we were supposed to do for Melanie. A favor maybe? Anyway, I guess we never did it, cuz Mel didn’t seem too happy at one point. Marlee Matlin, the deaf actress, might’ve been in this dream, too.

I was wishing I could keep a schedule so I could get into watching TV series steadily. For some reason, a schedule was necessary for that in this dream.

Something about sucking up cobwebs from the ceiling with a vacuum.

I was at some huge, crowded store wondering how they closed a certain doorway with so many people streaming through it. Then some guy told me a warning beep goes off so people can know to move away.

I was supposed to wake Tom at 4:00. I don’t know if we were going to do fun shopping, errands, or what, but I was pissed when I realized it was past 4:00. I feared it was a whole hour past 4:00, and that he’d be pissed too, but a look at the clock showed I was only 20 minutes late in waking him up.

Tom tried to hide it by pulling an outer blind down outside the living room window, but we got new neighbors. It all began when I heard the obnoxious thump of bass. I went next door and saw that 5 white kids moved in. “Kids,” meaning between 18-20 years old. They had their music blaring away in an upstairs bedroom right by the wall of our house where our bedrooms are. At first, we were all friendly smiles as we introduced ourselves and shook hands, then I mentioned the music and could see by their sudden sulking faces and quiet demeanors that they weren’t too happy about my bringing that up. I knew that it’d take firmness to set them straight so I threatened to have them evicted if they didn’t shut up. Their silence continued. I asked one of the girls what her name was, but she just went slack-jawed, unsure whether or not to answer. She didn’t though. No one said another word from there on out.

Someone at some business, be it a library or something like that, looked on a computer and told me that the blacks weren’t evicted. They just moved on their own.

A cop was stalking me. It started out with him chasing me around a room trying to beat or kill me, but then it turned into a scene on a TV that I and someone else were watching. Tom and I lived on the third or fourth floor of an apartment, I guess, and I was afraid to leave any windows open. At one point I saw the stalker’s car pull up on the street and somehow I knew he was gonna pick the lock of our door and come kidnap me, so I went outside to hide.

I decorated a card with drawings for an old elementary school teacher - Joan Bowe.

I was ice skating.

Doe was sitting at a table with some guy crying about something, then looking out a window and commenting on people’s yards. These were yards of people she’d known for a long time.

Michelle, Andy’s friend, kills herself.

I was riding in the backseat of a convertible when I looked up at a tall building and saw it was an FBI building. Then I realized a few FBI agents were sitting in the front seat. They were asking me questions of some sort.

Someone, perhaps myself, killed someone. The dead body was sprawled across a table and a bunch of cops were milling about.

Something about a high-rise. Maybe an apartment building I lived in or a hotel I was staying in? I was walking outside of it when I realized it was already late fall and that we barely had a summer. It barely got up to 100 degrees.

I was psyched cuz Tom and I were going to do some serious shopping in some computer or electronics store. Then a rowdy high school crowd came in, and Chris Tazzini, a friend in elementary school, was suddenly there. She got shoved by the crowd and was annoyed.

We were away somewhere and I left Tom in some crowded downstairs room and went upstairs to change my dress for dinner. My ear began making a weird static-like sound. A voice said I better clean my ear, so I started to do that, then to do my hair till Christine McVie walked in and took over brushing my hair.

I was suddenly on a TV set, with who I believe was Roseanne Barr. I was noticing how fat she still was, wearing black. A color I figured they’d put her in.

My legs were stuck in rubber bands as I came awake from sleeping.

Two of the rats had babies. I had someone sex them for me. There were two females/two males. I kept the males.

I was observing someone pull a dead body from the ocean, but later on, I saw this person alive.

Me and a homeless girl whom I was hesitant about taking in as a roommate, stole some nice clothes from a fat lady.

My Bailey doll was undressed. I guess I was washing her clothes. I was looking for her diaper to put back on, but in reality, she doesn’t wear one. Just a sleeper.

Larry left a hateful message on our machine. At first, I was furious but then something about it (I don’t know what) had me cracking up with laughter.

I thought Tom wasn’t home and I wanted to order a pizza. For some reason, I felt I had to sneak it behind his back and keep it a secret, so I was wondering where I’d dispose of the pizza box after I finished the pizza. Instead of dumping it in the dumpster, I decided to dispose of it a few yards down. Just as I was going to call to place the order, I saw that Tom was home.

Tammy, Andy, and I were hanging out someplace. I was bitching to them about being fat and aging quickly.

My dolls had been packed away and undressed for some time. I put a leg back on that fell off of one of my Barbies, then I felt that it would be a good time to take all my dolls out and dress them. Patrice was the only one I couldn’t dress right away. I was in a building several stories up. Just outside the window, a foot away was another building just like the one I was in. Patrice was just inside the window right across from me. I knew I could open the window in the room I was in, reach across, open the window across the way, and pull Patrice across to my side, but it was nighttime, so I didn’t want to risk dropping her since I couldn’t see well.

I was filling up a big square tub in a big bathroom somewhere. I felt I had to pee and walked over to the toilet.

I was lying in a bed, and I don’t know if I had this baby or adopted it, but someone handed me a baby that sort of resembled Bailey with really long hair. Tom was standing to the left of the bed and his mom was sitting near the bed to the right smiling. Dureen was sitting behind her with a watchful, yet blank expression on her face. I tried to tell the baby that they were nana, but then I looked at our moms and said, “She doesn’t get it.”

Then some woman seated at a desk a few feet behind Tom, suggested a mold of the baby be made so I could use it to practice handling her properly.

I was looking through a phonebook and found Doe and Art’s current number and email address. In this phonebook, there were about 15 pages of family pictures, mostly of Tammy.

I was out just as the crack of dawn was setting in, roaming around a hillside at the beach I spent my summers at, only it didn’t look like that beach at all. I went indoors and suddenly, the 2-story cottage had no front wall. A carload of guys was slowly cruising by. The driver spotted me in one of the front rooms and moved back into a hallway where a closet was supposed to be, but then I realized he’d just back up the car and see me cuz there was no wall, and that’s what he did.

Tammy and I were at some beach or lake sitting on the shore.

Someone was showing someone the proof of someone’s kidnapping and explaining how they were kidnapped.

I was videotaping my so-called long-haired cat who looked like a dog. I was planning on sending Dureen and Art a copy of this video and I was wondering if they’d think this cat was really a dog.

I heard bass softly thumping and I opened the front door to find 3 full carloads of the black bitch’s associates. Guess they came back to live next door.

I went to Florida to see my parents, I guess. I don’t know if Tom was with me. I don’t remember seeing Art in this dream, just Dureen. I was sitting at a table with her and some others. She asked us if we needed anything. I said that just turning up the AC would be good enough for me, and she did. Then she was showing me the rest of the place and it dawned on me that it was similar to the same manufactured home we were looking to get. I remember thinking to myself that I’d just be cool, cuz I’d be disappearing and they’d never see me again after our visit.

I was in a private school that was several stories. A staff member kept asking me to take a test I’d already taken. We were in some huge kitchen with slanted skylights at a long picnic-like table that was filled with several girls or women and we were eating cheesecake. Then at one point, I was climbing out of a pool with two other girls who admired my really long hair.

I was dancing with somebody who was trying to give me these slurping, disgusting kisses.

Tammy told me she was using coke regularly.

I beat up some girl.

I took a journal that was half full of writing and gave it to Melanie. I’m not sure if I was going to leave the last half of it blank for her to use, or if I’d written something just for her in the last half, but anyway, right before I was going to give it to her, I realized I better check the first half in case there was anything there I didn’t want her to see. After checking it, I saw that they were mostly drawings.

Tom and I moved into our new house which may’ve been somewhere back east. This is because the house was huge and old, especially huge. We were on our way to go gambling. Tom asked me if I was excited about it. I said yes, but that knowing we weren’t destined to ever really win anything dampened some of the excitement. He went to wait for me in the car. I was in the kitchen and I remembered that I had reminded myself to look for a good spot for the garbage pail. I scanned the room and decided on a spot and planned to tell Tom when I got into the car that I found a spot in our perfect kitchen for the pail. I left the kitchen and entered the long, huge living room, heading for the door. Then I saw a light on at the opposite end of the room that I felt should be turned off. The living room was so huge that it was quite a jog down to where this light was. Some other day we went back to the old house. I don’t know why, but I saw that we left my wind chimes there and other outdoor things. We left stuff in the attic, too. As I was realizing this while standing out in the backyard, I saw that the people with the collies two yards down were having a huge party and were using next door’s yard too, since there was still no one living there. A kid would pop up every few seconds from behind the block wall and blow through a harmonica at me.

"Shauna" and I were talking about how she could afford to take a month or two off from work to go on a cross-country drive, which she said she’d been wanting to do.

I started some job in Maine and was filling out a questionnaire. One of the questions asked if I liked living in Maine. My boss reminded me she wanted me to wait an hour after work so she could do some treatment on me (connected to my female parts?) and I was wondering if the buses would still be running when we got done. I knew Doe would be home, believe it or not, so I made a mental note to call her for a ride when I could go home.

I was going up and down an elevator in a 6-story building. I got off on the 6th floor and found myself surrounded by fall foliage. When I tried to leave, I couldn’t find the elevator or any other exit.

I was showing Dureen my dolls.

A cop was sadly saying how he found some well-known actress had committed suicide.

Later…

The van left again at 9:50 and I don’t know when it returned, but it’s here now.

Yesterday, I was feeling a little bummed. Fortunately, I rarely feel that way these days, but it was mainly cuz of how long things are taking. I’ve been waiting to move to a house like we want that’s outside of the city for years now. Tom cheered me up, though, then we went to a couple of stores. Also, the frustration of being tight constantly was bringing me down, tiring me out.

I got some more books and some pet food.

Tom saw them cleaning the carpet across the street and thinks they’re gonna try to re-rent the house, rather than sell it. That’s too bad. I had hoped they’d sell it, but hey, we shouldn’t have too many more months to go. In fact, my move date vibe changed from the middle of October to early September. Tom still thinks we’ll move in July or August. Late August is possible, but I don’t know.

Tom’s picking up paint tomorrow.

I’ll really be looking forward to going back to Cigna when we move. I hate Intergroup. It may be more crowded, and the co-pay is higher, but it’ll be worth it to have doctors that are more dependable, all in one building, along with a pharmacist right in the building too, where I can get 3 months’ worth of refills at a time, rather than one refill at a time.

This time around the pain went away faster than it did the other months I had that pain in the lower right side of my gut. Guess it helps to have the cranberry juice on hand.

MONDAY, JUNE 7, 1999 Boy, do they leave early next door. Today they did, anyway. The van left just after 4:00. I could hear voices talking loud enough to tell me just how rude they are. They’re not as loud as the black bitch was, but loud enough for 4:00 in the morning. I could tell that the person in the van was talking to someone outside of the van as it was pulling out of the carport, so again, the person with the van who’s not supposed to be there, works. Meanwhile, there’s at least one adult home now, but probably two or more adults. I wonder if the van will leave this early every day. Does that mean it’ll be back as early as noon since people typically work 8 hours a day? At first I wondered if it was leaving to hide out from the city, but 4:00 is a little overkill of a head start on beating the city since they wouldn’t come out to the house till after 8:00. If they’re even coming out today. All in all, since they’ve been here, except for the ranchero’s mini-concert, they’ve been astonishingly quiet. The lack of bass tells me all the more I can expect a dog any minute (since God’s gonna compensate me for the lack of bass), but that’s when they’ll learn the hard way about following rules. And I’m still pretty sure they’re not supposed to have a dog. That van is not allowed to live there, either. So, if they know what’s good for them, they shouldn’t get a dog unless they want all their frauds exposed; the dog, the van, the people living there that aren’t supposed to be, etc.

Later…

The van’s back. When it left I heard one door slam, but just now I heard two. What? Are they going to be going in and out from 4 AM to after midnight? When do they sleep? And where in the world would you need to go for an hour at 4 AM and why? Questions, questions, questions. I like the mystery here. It makes for fun spying and detective work, but I still kind of wish the bitch had just stayed put. With her and her cronies, I at least knew what to expect. I knew pretty much who was who and what their patterns were as far as who’d come and go and when.

Tom called to let me know he’d be late. I figured as much.

Later…

In Kim’s email to me, she told me her fertility appointments are being postponed so they can check out what they think may be a growth on her cervix. Damn! Talk about hexed plumbing. I really really don’t think she’s ever going to be a mother. It’s rather obvious. I know the signs. All these setbacks are for a reason and I really think that if she was meant to be a mother, she’d have been one by now. She’d be too good of a mother, as far as God’s concerned. She just wouldn’t be abusive enough. Also, it’s what she wants.

Speaking of how life is unfair and all that, it’s amazing I haven’t gotten pregnant in the last couple of years. I’ve always known it’s not meant to be, but knowing how much God loves to give babies to women who don’t want them or who couldn’t cut it as a mother still amazes me that he’s let me off the hook as far as that general rule goes. Nonetheless, as far as Kim goes, something always comes up. There’s always a problem preventing her from conceiving. Regardless of the fact that she wants a kid and I don’t, see what I mean about God using things and other people to control our destinies? It’s no joke. With Kim, he’s using her plumbing and the fact that Walt’s had a vasectomy and is being resistant. With me, if I’m not too dry, too sore, or on a different schedule, it’s Tom’s fear, resistance, and the fact that there’s usually a problem with him. His back, a cold, being tired, sore, busy, too hot, a bum hip, allergies, bum knees, etc. About 7 or 8 out of 10 times we screw, we have to stop cuz of something going on with him. Coincidence? I don’t think so! Try a God-given fear. Well, he can rest assured, cuz even if he had no problems and squirted every day - fate is fate. Just because they couldn’t find anything wrong with me doesn’t mean I can conceive. It simply means that they don’t know why I can’t conceive. I know why, though, and that’s all that counts. I also know I didn’t have all the testing possible done, or have him tested (if he’d have been willing), but what I do know is that the results would’ve been the same - the tests would’ve been negative.

What are his fears based on? The usual - the time the kid would take up, the money it’d cost, my not being able to handle it. Those are the three basic things - time, money, and me. See the pattern? Now ask anyone who’s ever had kids and I’m sure that 98% of them will tell you the same thing - they conceived effortlessly, in no time at all, and they pretty much weren’t planning on it, if they weren’t totally against it. You either have kids just like that, or you don’t have them at all. So, my heart goes out to Kim, cuz I know what it’s like to want a child that cannot be had. I was once in her shoes. Again, as far as having to stop in the middle of sex goes - familiarity is comfortable. However, I feel like all the surprises are a thing of the past. There’ll be nothing new to look forward to. Nothing unexpected. It’s like how I feel about that bitch moving.

I sat and compared a cheaper 4-bedroom Cavco model to the 4-bedroom Redman model I love so much and you know, if we do have to settle if next door really gets out of hand, or if selfish people we’ve helped won’t help us with money if we fall short, it’s really not that much of a settlement. It has its pros and cons as do all models, but it would still work out very well. We could function in it just fine. I just worry that Tom will break his promise to me about not trashing his room, making it harder for me to clean. I know he’ll break that promise. That’s totally his style. He loves things cluttered, unorganized, and in sloppy piles. Saying there’s no room for the stuff is just an excuse.

Anyway, I like how the Redman model’s master bedroom is sandwiched in between its bathroom and its closet, and how it only has two windows. The Cavco has three windows and is on the corner, right smack by the front door. The Redman rooms are bigger, but the Cavco has more of a wall dividing the family room, the kitchen, and the dining area. Its kitchen also has a pantry. So, they sort of even out in the end, although I’d still take the Redman over the Cavco. The sandwiched bedroom with just two windows and the bigger rooms mean a little more to me than more wall length and a pantry.

Later…

That pain is back again. The one that feels like a UT infection. Again, always right before I’m mid-cycle. Could it really then be connected to the ovary on that side? I can’t believe God never hexed my plumbing with growths and things like that and had me have a hysterectomy. I guess he felt a dick that was virtually cumless would do the trick well enough.

Later…

The van left again. I’m sure it’ll be back by 10:00 or 11:00. I’ll bet you anything it’ll come and go 5 more times.

A small truck just pulled in across the street at the rental that says: carpeting & furniture something. There’s also a gray car there. Well, there was. It just pulled out. I wonder if they’re gonna re-rent it or sell it. I hope they sell it. That should keep it empty longer and up the chances of better, white people going in there, but that won’t change the chances of a dog ending up over there.

SUNDAY, JUNE 6, 1999 I went to bed at around 5 PM and got up at 2 AM to find Tom asleep. He should be getting up in 2-3 hours. Meanwhile, to my utter amazement, nothing happened next door while I was up. I didn’t even hear any voices. Tom didn’t leave me any messages, but if anything did go down next door, it went down after I went to bed. All I saw, besides the furniture truck leaving at 8:00 and the red/white pickup, was the blue/green pickup at 11:30. It was there for almost an hour. Then the van left at 1:45. Someone was there watering the yard while the van was out. I’m not surprised, cuz I’m pretty sure there are at least two women and one guy living over there. However, there’s a chance that the guy was dropped off by the red/white pickup, then later picked up by the blue/green pickup. I never got to the window in time to see if the guy was dropped off or if he just went out to talk to them, but the more I think about it, the more I think he was dropped off. So, I don’t know if there are any guys living over there, but I do know there are two women living over there, and one of them isn’t supposed to be there. The one with the van. The van one may work, but I don’t know. I think the carless woman that lives there doesn’t work. I think that even when the van’s out, there’ll always be some adult at the house.

When I got up, I peeked over there. It’s a very dark night out so I can’t be too sure, but I’m pretty sure that the vehicle in the carport is the van that lives there. Also, they have their living room blinds open and a dim light on. I could see stuff piled up near the window, but nothing in particular. It looked more like a room with things thrown in it than a living room.

What I want to know is how the city can be so naïve. Are they really this dumb? Stupid enough not to do regular checks on their subsidized houses to get rid of all the people and cars that aren’t supposed to be there? I can just imagine how many of these subsidized houses have dogs in their yards right now that aren’t supposed to be there.

Yesterday, Tom got the vent installed in the bathroom, but there’s no electricity hooked up to it yet. That’ll be done today. He also spackled holes and I did a few, too. Did a good job, if I do say so myself.

Later…

OK, the sun’s up enough for me to see the vehicle in the carport and yes, it’s the van. Once again, though, if they don’t wake me up, get a dog, or go banging in and out with bass every day, they can fraud the system all they want and I won’t report this van that’s not supposed to be there.

Since my weight and inches aren’t going to go down anymore, I want to get my wedding ring enlarged sometime after we move.

Later…

I don’t believe this. I just don’t believe it! So far next door’s been quiet. There’s been some outdoor activity and vehicles coming and going as I’d predicted, but not only is there nothing going on that could wake me up, there’s nothing going on to disturb the peace in the house while I’m awake, either. If that basketball hoop was still there, though, they’d be driving me nuts. Tom said that 3 vehicles we haven’t seen before visited next door at 6:00, but that there was no music (that’s 10 vehicles). He saw a guy’s head in the backyard at 9:00 this morning when he was doing some outside prep work. For an hour or two, late this morning, I saw a guy and 3 kids out front. You’d think you’d hear their voices loud and clear throughout the entire house like you could with the Mormon kids, but nope. Only if you go into the music room can you hear an occasional burst of voices. At 2:30 the van left, then I noticed a red and white van parked there. The regular van that lives there returned shortly after (11 vehicles). So far things have been as expected, but not as expected. Except for the ranchero’s bass, Tom told me about, they’ve been too good to be true. So far. I’m not saying that they won’t start with constant music. I mean, I don’t sense it, but they’ve got to be furious with Tom for asking that kid to turn the music down. You don’t do that in Arizona. You don’t ask someone to quiet down. That’s like asking them to kill their mothers.

I don’t see anyone in front right now, but that’s typical of Arizona people, too. Always gotta hang out in front. Wouldn’t it be safer to have those kids in the backyard where it’s walled off? Then again, the main reason they hang out front is to be seen and to get attention. I can’t believe they only hung out there for just two hours, though. I really thought they’d be out there for more like 6 hours.

Tom said that ever since these people moved in, the collie house has had lights blaring like never before as if to say they’re afraid of all these people and fear they may break into their house. I don’t know about that. That bitch had a lot of people over there, too.

So, so far I haven’t gotten an eighth of the door slamming I’d get from the blacks. Most of the time someone comes and goes I never hear it (proving all the more that the blacks deliberately slammed doors loudly in regard to me). I’ve been right so far, though, about the hanging outdoors, the many vehicles coming and going, and the van living here. This next week will be an even bigger test, though. I say this will be the scoop: there may not be a music problem like what the blacks gave me, but at least one of the many people living there won’t work and will be home most of the time, the van will stay there, they’ll hang outdoors a lot, have many vehicles come and go, and they’ll get a dog. That’s when Tom contacts the city and the mayor, though.

Tom suggested we check at the library to see if the city still owns the house and that they didn’t sell it at a discount somehow, but we’re pretty sure it’s still city-owned and that these people are subs.

SATURDAY, JUNE 5, 1999 So far I’ve been right about next door. They’re officially moved in and here to stay now, and the van does live there. I knew it would. I just don’t understand it, though. How is it they can be so poor and in need of our tax dollars, yet own a van like this? Maybe the city doesn’t know about the van. There’s a damn good chance that the woman that’s supposed to live there is carless like she’s supposed to be, but let her friend with the van (and the friend with the van’s kids) move in with her and her kids in secret so they could help each other out. Just like how the bitch had the convenience of her cock’s car, and the cock had the convenience of a pussy in his bed. So that makes two adults and God only knows how many kids. The friend probably needed a place too, or at least wanted to be in a house rather than an apartment, and the woman that’s supposed to be there probably appreciates the transportation. Guess they have a deal - you drive me where I need to go, and I’ll let you stay here and I’ll watch your kids along with mine and do most of the household chores.

Come next week, I’ll be able to prove/disprove my belief that says they don’t work. Already, though, we’re up to 6 different vehicles that we know of, about 10 different adults, and God only knows how many kids. Sound familiar? Tom disagrees, but I say they’re gonna be in and out several times a day, every day of the week. I think that just like with the freeloaders and the renters, there’ll be several different cars and people coming and going from there regularly. I just can’t believe I haven’t heard any music yet. Those stereos with major bass are more of a black thing, but still, I can’t believe it. Well, they’ve only been here a week, so we’ll see. They’re bound to have a theme of some kind. Just like it was the kids with the Mormons and the bass with the blacks, there’ll be something with these people. If we get through the weekend without and music problems, I’d guess their theme’s going to be a dog or two rather than music. Till I can get it removed, that is. Of course, I don’t know what the rules are for sure anymore, so I may not be able to get it removed. Hopefully, I can get them to take it indoors, though, cuz I really really do think there’s going to be a dog over there before two weeks is up. Not to mention a whole shitload of loud adults and kids. That I can live with, though. It’s music and dogs that I won’t tolerate. Not even for 5 more months.

Also, true to my vibes, they’re outdoors kinds of people. However, they were just moving in, and the weather yesterday was unbelievably mild. Like 20º below normal for being June. Perhaps something up there is going to call for mild weather for a while to let them be outdoors comfortably on account of me? Well like I said, voices I’ll tolerate, but nothing more.

The van came and went several times yesterday, and at one point, a blue/green pickup came with boxes and furniture and odds and ends. A guy and a girl in their late teens to early 20s unloaded the pickup.

When I got up at midnight, I saw a big huge furniture truck parked just outside their carport. The van was right in front of it. Do these people ever sleep, though? The lights were off when I looked over there, but the van left for a half hour or so just after midnight. As you’ll see, I’ve typed a log of their comings and goings. It’s been quite hectic, but fortunately for them, there hasn’t been much noise yet as far as slamming doors and voices go, and I’ve slept just fine. If you were to sit in the music room with no fans or music on, then yes, you can hear adult and kid voices. Van comes at 7:50 AM. Van leaves at 8:15 AM. Van comes at 9:30 AM. Van leaves at 10:30 AM. Van comes at 11:00 AM. Van leaves at noon. Blue/green pickup comes at 1:45 PM. Pickup/van leaves at 3:10 PM. Van comes at 3:40 PM. Van leaves at 12:30 AM. Van comes at 1:00 AM.

Tom and I both agree that it’ll be a rowdy weekend over there as far as people and cars go. They’re gonna want to show the place off to their millions of fucked up, jobless friends. He doesn’t think there’ll be a problem with music or dogs. He also thinks they work and that weekdays won’t call for much noise over there, but I don’t know. Like I said, God may let me out of having to deal with the music this time around, and thank God there’s no hoop there, but he’d never not let me have to deal with something. Never can Jodi have a neighbor that’s quiet or at least at a normal volume. There’s got to be something extreme. The bass vibes may’ve dropped slightly, but the dog vibe’s soared way up, and I think we can count on a dog over there for damn sure. It may take a couple of weeks, but that’s what I see. Along with the train of cars and people coming and going several times a day, it’s gonna be bark, bark, bark. Yeah well, they’ll just have to deal with me then.

Just like I did with that bitch, I’m gonna start a file on these people of their write-ups, omitting names, of course. You never know if in the end, I’ll want them to do some reading, too (if they’re not illiterate!).

Later…

Well, well, well. Our little freeloaders have been even naughtier than I was aware of. Tom didn’t leave me a message about what I’m about to write about (he crashed before I got up). He told me when he got up which was about 4 hours after I did. Bitch! Why’d you have to fucking move?! I swear it’s the same old shit all over again.

I don’t know how the hell I slept through this, but fortunately for them, I did. Tom says that the ranchero was here again and that it does have a bassy stereo which was blaring in the carport. Tom went out and told him to turn it down, but of course, I know it won’t do him a damn bit of good. I was curious, though, to know if the reaction was annoyed, or what. He said it was a kid, less than 18 years old, and that he startled him. The kid was apparently tired of hanging out with the adults, so it went to sit in the ranchero and make an ass of itself. This is all part of the hear-me obsession these subsidized, low-class, subhuman blacks and Mexicans have. The more you reject and try to turn away from someone, the more they rebel and try harder to be heard/noticed. It’s what they want. They want the whole neighborhood to hear them, to notice them, to acknowledge them, to know they’ve arrived. These sick fucks cry about not being accepted in society, but look how they treat people! Of course, society’s gonna try to brush these species out. Our refusal to tolerate such trash, though, only feeds fuel to the fire. Tom’s asking him to turn the music down will only ensure that all the more they go out of their way to blast us out. I know the drill. I know these kinds of filth. It’s the same old deal all over again. The only difference is that instead of a pack of skinny blacks, we’ve got a pack of fat welfare bums.

Oh, how I wish we could bake them a pie, bring it over to them, welcome them to the neighborhood, then watch them croak on the poison I put in the pie! Thanks, God! Thanks a real fucking lot! You really have a lot of concern and empathy for me, huh? Why do you always do this to me? Why do the rowdy shitfucks have to go next to me? Give me a break! What? Is this my compensation for having the last year of the black’s presence be fairly quiet? Why must I start this whole noise cycle all over again? Thank God, I don’t have to go through this for 3 years, but why can’t I just have quiet neighbors? Power of prayer, my ass! I knew praying for peace would be a waste of time. Now I have to fight to restrain myself from pummeling the shit out of them and do you have any idea how hard that is? It’s like drinking several cups of water and trying not to pee.

The dogs were going off last night, as usual. I’d like to say that they were rudely awakened from a peaceful slumber only to be pissed and have a hard time falling back asleep, but I know better. They all slept like logs regardless of the barking. The barking doesn’t bother them one bit. Not while they’re awake, not while they’re asleep. They just better not be waking me up, though, or else they’re gonna learn the hard way about the consequences of being such rude, selfish assholes.

I’m tired of society’s misfits! All our hard-earned tax dollars go to support these lazy bums while they turn right around and shit on us for it. That’s what we get for helping them. Such wonderful people! Why do these fucking subsidized city bums think that just because they’re in a subsided house that they can be so rude and so loud?! Why can’t these people blend into society and act like normal, civilized human beings and keep their noise for their ears only?!

So, here’s our new plan: Again, though, I don’t know how close we can come to acting upon our current plan, but the latest idea is to just do the bare necessities as far the prep work goes, then settle on a smaller 3-bedroom cookie-cutter house, or a house that already exists on a few acres of land, get out of here in 4-6 weeks, then get the dream home put on our property later on and turn the first house into a guest house or a place for Tom to work on projects and store stuff.

Also, Tom says he’s gonna assume the weekend will be wild over there since they just moved in, but that if they’re still wild come Monday, which he’s not gonna jump the gun and assume, then he’ll write a letter not only to the city address we’ve been using, but to the mayor too, and let them know that this is just ridiculous. It’s sickening! Totally, totally asinine! Well, he may be reluctant to assume anything, but I know. I know there’ll be trouble every day.

Anyway, Tom finished sanding the kitchen yesterday, and right now he’s draining the pool so we can do the step that’s chipped, and we’re gonna prep to paint and get the vent in the bathroom.

Even picking up this old, small house and putting it on a 3-acre lot is better than staying here, but to think that we may be forced to settle for a while on account of these fucking freeloaders really makes my blood boil! I don’t like feeling like I’m being controlled like that. Especially by sick twists that ought to be shot execution-style, or better yet, tortured for hours prior to being shot execution-style.

Later…

The furniture truck left a few minutes ago and the van’s out in the street. So I guess these freeloaders have furniture buddies, huh? That must be how they can afford to rent furniture. I suppose the furniture truck took off to make deliveries, but I don’t know. Is this truck going to live there, too? Or did the people with the truck just crash there overnight last night?

A red and white pickup that was loaded with God knows what and two guys just pulled up alongside the street to talk to some Mexican guy. Then the truck took off and the Mexican guy walked back towards the house. That’s vehicle number 7. I’ve lost count of the people, though.

Later…

Oh, no you won’t. Tammy just left a message, all nicey-nice, as if nothing ever happened. She said she was just calling to say hi, she hopes we’re doing OK, and she’ll talk to me later. Keep dreaming, sis!

FRIDAY, JUNE 4, 1999 I called Andy to get the discussion about food and God over with, but he said it wasn’t a good time to talk cuz he wanted to just relax. Then why’d he answer his phone? Anyway, I told him to leave all the messages he wants this weekend, that I was glad he was back safe and sound, and that I’ll call him next week.

I had been wondering why Paula wasn’t pestering me so much lately till I tried calling her. I got a recording saying her phone’s been temporarily disconnected. I hope it’s a little more than temporary! But anyway, that’s more like the Paula I always knew. I mean, she’d move and lose phones as often as Fran did. Well, she always moved as much as he did, but for a while there, I thought she’d keep this last phone for life. That must’ve been the longest stretch she’s gone with a phone. I’m sure the main reason she lost that phone was cuz of all the calls she made to me. I tried to warn her about that, but it’s her life. Meanwhile, I’ll keep the letters going to her. She damn well better keep that PO Box she just got, cuz I made up about 30 envelopes with all kinds of pictures on the back of animals and scenery. Yeah, I sure got myself a lot of pictures. Got palm trees, cactuses, dogs, cats, and other scenic and animal pictures. I’ve got about 25 different screensavers made up now.

Tom told me what the neighborhood people helped themselves to this time around (the stuff we put in the alley). They not only took stuff we figured they’d take, but they surprised us by taking the faucets off the old sink but leaving the sink there. Now that’s desperate! Who’d want such old, ugly faucets when you can buy nicer ones at a reasonable enough price? I hated those faucets just like I hate the kitchen ones. I’d always hurt my fingers on them. They also took the beanbag and the last two old, beat-up kitchen chairs.

As for next door - Tom says that when he got home at 12:30, that van was there for about an hour and so was the gas company. He said he thinks the reason they haven’t been there is cuz they’ve had no hot water. However, it doesn’t appear that anyone’s there tonight, either.

He said he didn’t see any people, and that he’s not sure of the van’s color. He said it’s some dark, obscure color. Also, he’s not sure what blue/gray is (the color of the van driven by that pregnant child). Oh really? Why is that? Is he trying to stall me from finding out it’s that van after hoping differently after seeing what I thought was different, white people last Sunday? He tried that with the cock. When he changed cars, he tried to convince me that it wasn’t him.

But then he started describing other things that say this isn’t the same van, after all. When I asked if this woman was pregnant, he said that she was so fat that he wouldn’t even be able to tell if she was or not. Well, the woman I saw, the child, I mean, was definitely pregnant. Also, he said he’s seen two toddlers. That Mexican kid, though, had one toddler and one infant, but that’s just what I saw. Mexicans have kids like rabbits, so there’s no saying how many she had for sure. She could’ve left ten kids at home. I’m so sick of Mormons, blacks and Mexicans! If it weren’t for Gloria Estefan, I’d hate all Mexicans, though she’s Cuban.

I asked him if he thought that van belonged to whoever lived there, and he said no, he doubts a vehicle of any kind will be there at night, and he thinks the van belonged to someone related to them. Well, we’ll see. I mean, there’s always a chance someone is there now, and that they walk to the bus stop on weekday mornings to go to work, and return the same way, but somehow I doubt that very much. I think a car of some kind will be living there, but if that’s not the case, I think someone will pick them up and drop them off. What about the kids, though, if they do work? Who takes care of them during the day? Does someone come here like Bill did with the bitch’s kid? Or do they go somewhere during the day? Even if it’s peaceful there during the workdays, that doesn’t mean it’ll be that way after work and on weekends. I still don’t have a bad vibe, but my logic says that as soon as they get settled, they’ll be noisy. I don’t know if it’ll be from voices, dogs, or music, but there’ll be some source of noise and it’ll be more noise than normal. Of course, there’s still always the off chance that they end up being no problem since God knows we’re not going to have to be neighbors for 2-3 years. We had two years with the Mormons and 3 years with the blacks. If this was so, though, that’d be wonderful, but I’d still be like - thanks, God. Now you send me the ideal neighbors? Now?! When we’ve got just a few months left here? Well, if this is the case, better late than never. If I can get a few extra months of peace and take the last 6 or so months off from neighbor’s shit before moving - why not? Still, I highly doubt this will be the case. I’m sure they’ll be anything but ideal to have just a few feet away. Just wait till they get settled in, and of course, I wish I could say they won’t want to be outdoors much when it gets really hot like most people, but I’m sure that won’t stop them. Didn’t stop the blacks. He said he doubts the woman he saw will take to the heat very well cuz of how fat she is and that fat people usually have fat friends so they won’t either. Yeah? Well with my luck she and her cronies will be able to take it just fine. I’m sure they won’t mind at all.

He also said that if she’s as hard to get along with as I felt she is, she won’t have too many friends.

Wrong. Just the opposite. Assholes always have a lot of friends. That’s because most people are assholes, and since most people want people they have things in common with for friends, there are plenty of assholes out there for other assholes to be buddies with. It seems that the nicer you are, the fewer people you know.

Anyway, now that I’m rolling onto days, I should be able to get a look at this mystery van if it comes today, too.

Later…

At 7:50 the van pulled in. At first I thought it was that blue/gray van driven by the pregnant kid, but now I don’t know. I saw not only a boy of about 5 but a girl of about 9, too. Mexicans have kids like rabbits, and if these people are as Mexican as they look to be, there’ll be half a dozen kids living over there. The van pulled out 15 minutes later and once it got out into the sunlight, I could see that the color didn’t quite look blue/gray and I can see how Tom may’ve thought it was brown. This van seemed to be more like a brown/gray. Also, I saw two big fat women in the front, but couldn’t see into the van to see how many kids were in it. After seeing these women, I can’t say for sure that either of them is that pregnant kid I saw. So were there people in the house last night after all? Was this van picking up someone in the house to bring them to work? If so, why bring the kids, too? They can’t go to work with them, can they? Maybe they’re going to get dropped off first at daycare or something. Before they left, I saw them shutting the back of the van which suggests they may’ve unloaded or loaded something into it, but is this van going to live there full-time at some point? This weekend ought to tell me a lot, but I’d say that if weekends aren’t wild over there, I’d be one surprised girl! Maybe there won’t be a music problem, but I’d think that all these kids these Mexicans love to have, would be outside running wild for hours. Not just kids who live there, but other people’s kids, too.

I’ll be finding out their name in no time at all. It’s only a matter of time before the mailman gives me a piece of their mail.

I’m glad my letters to the girls didn’t spawn off calls from Tammy. That just goes to show how selfish she really is. She’s just like Dureen in so many ways. I never pressured or dumped her when she wasn’t having any contact with Doe and Art. But now that I’m not and she is, she had to pressure me into contacting them and then dump me when she couldn’t get her way. Well, she better enjoy life without a sister, cuz she certainly lost me for good, along with the others.

Again, just like I questioned being friends with someone who beats her kids (Paula), I’ve got to wonder if I really want to associate with someone who abuses her kids mentally and physically, uses one of them as a built-in babysitter and housekeeper, and who can’t accept me as I am, even when I’m not just like them, and I don’t think so! I think I deserve better than that. All I need is Tom. Just having one person who fully accepts me is enough.

THURSDAY, JUNE 3, 1999 Boy, are we taking a familiar trip down Memory Lane here! It’s the same pattern. The same exact pattern. The Mexicans moved in little by little without making much noise. Meanwhile, I’d see several different vehicles. Like 3-4 of them. It wasn’t until they got fully moved in and were sleeping here that they began to make noise. As soon as they were settled in, though, it was time to get the neighborhood’s attention. Well, I see the same thing going on all over again. Again, no one stayed there last night. All Tom said he saw was a brown van in the carport at 2 PM yesterday. That’s 4 vehicles. They’ve been moving in little by little, not making much noise. Yet. Just as soon as they get fully moved in and are living there day and night, we’ll be hearing from them. That’s when they’ll let the whole street know they exist. What? Do these subsidized assholes have a system out here? Do they all move into houses slowly and quietly, then raise hell once they’re settled in? Are they all so rude and selfish, desperate for their neighbors to hear and notice what sick fucks they are?

I might’ve been wrong about assuming they don’t work cuz they're moving in little by little says they do, just like with the bitch and cock.

Well, I may be seeing familiar patterns all over again, but guess what? This time I’ve got something I didn’t have the first time around - the city’s address. As soon as the parties, the music, the company, and the dogs get out of hand, I’ll be perfectly happy to put them in their place like I should’ve done with the bitch and cock from the get-go. I should never have let it get to the point where that bitch came running to take her shit fit on my doorstep and make me wonder for the rest of my life if I should’ve decked her. I should’ve dealt with every single fucking freeloader over there by contacting the city from the start of their shit. But I didn’t know these things like Tom did, and I wish to hell he’d brought up the idea sooner. He said he did, but I said it wouldn’t work. I remember saying that I had my doubts about it working, but that doesn’t mean he brought it up from the get-go. Those blacks moved in March of 96 and he never went to the library for the city’s address till late November of 97. Once again, I’m thrilled to know we’ll be out of here soon enough, cuz what once worked in the past, may not work in the future. The city may decide this time around to ignore my complaint and just let this batch of scum do whatever it wants.

What’s not thrilling to know is that the pest will be returning home today. I can imagine all the calls I’ll be getting about it, too. I’ll try to put off the 2-hour conversation all about God and food for as long as possible. I was going to be just as available to talk as always till we moved. Meaning, that I was still going to leave messages 1-3 times a week and chat about once a week, but I’m gonna be harder and harder for Andy to get a hold of as we get closer to moving. I’m not obligated, after all, to cater to this guy’s phone needs. Also, I’m sorry, I know it sounds selfish, but I’m just not thrilled to chat with him these days. I’m tired of it.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 2, 1999 I’m going to cover the basics as best and as fast as I can. I’m not really in the mood to do much writing now. I want to work out some more and go online to see if I can find more goodies. Been getting some really nice wallpaper pictures of landscapes, animals, etc.

Anyway, the city came to mow at 9:30, but I still didn’t have a bad vibe or any vibes about being woken up, so I went to bed relaxed enough and slept fine. Tom fell asleep around the same time I did, but when he got up in the late afternoon, a few hours before I did, he saw the new scum moving in (I can’t believe they moved in while I slept just fine just three feet away! He said it was a pretty quiet ordeal, though, with just a few car doors). I had thought the people I saw Monday looked white, but he said he thought what he saw looked Mexican. Well, it’d make more sense. How many subsidized people are white compared to black and Hispanic? I can tell you firsthand, from experience that most subs aren’t white.

He said he saw three different vehicles. The gold car we already saw, a blazer, and an old junkie Ranchero. The gold car and the blazer look like something the bitch’s associates would drive, but the beat-up Ranchero is a different story. He said he saw some rented furniture being delivered. How can they afford to rent furniture? Renting furniture can be more expensive than buying it. He said he didn’t get a good look at people, but he did see a big fat woman and two toddlers. So far, no dog and the only music he said he heard was played softly and without bass by the Ranchero as it was pulling out. He said it was so soft that he couldn’t tell what kind of music it was and that it wasn’t one of those really bassy stereos. He says he believes they work cuz how else would they pay their rent? With their SSI, SS, or welfare checks, I told him. We’ll see, though. It’s too soon for me to know if anyone there works, how many people are living there (among the ones that aren’t supposed to be living there), and if someone living there has a car, or what. They’re not here tonight. They were gone when I got up at around 7 PM, then they pulled in an hour later. I heard some voices calling out to each other and saw a mattress and a box spring being pulled from the Ranchero. They left at 9:30 and haven’t been back since.

They did what I figured would be done the very first day someone moved in there - changed the security light bulb. This one may not be too obnoxious, though. It seems to be a lower wattage than what was there before.

It’s just a matter of time. I may not have a bad vibe. I mean, this is a totally different feeling than what I had right before the other freeloaders arrived. Before the other freeloaders, there was a very ominous feeling in the air. I was all stressed out, knowing my peace was about to be stolen. Well, I may not feel this way what with knowing we’re moving soon enough, but I’m no idiot, either. I know the parties, the mass of vehicles, the music, the kids, and maybe even a dog, will be a problem. Like I said, it’s just a matter of time. Come the weekend, the whole street will be hearing them.

TUESDAY, JUNE 1, 1999 The next next-door problem has arrived. So far, there's been no problems, but I said, "so far." Just give it time and there will be. I'll write about it more later. Right now, I want to go work out.

[blazregaliadream]

Entry No. +++: Reflection

Fuckin' christ, I'm definitely feelin' better now, but it's scary readin' this over again.

So yea, I'm not sure when it began, but at some point, I was startin' to feel some heavy doubts on myself as an artist because none of my stuff seemed to really pick up. Like, I don't expect a shit ton of engagement, but just how nonexistent my presence was feellin' was slowly gettin' to me, made worse by the view count Twitter implemented, so seein' how so many people scrolled by and only one or two (from followers) seemed to at least like it felt like a heavy blow got dealt to me, and well... you can see the breakdown that resulted after however long this was happenin'.

So, why don't we take a step back and reflect.

"Why do you draw, Blaze?" - To show my love for somethin' if it's fanart, to bring out the proof of concept of original stuff I come up with. I started drawing in kindergarten for some funny assignments and things kicked off from there. It's been a hobby of mine for as long as I can remember and it'll continue to be just that.

"Have you ever tried taking commissions?" - Amusingly, I did sometime back with some success, but I was also a heavy procrastinator and I still feel bad I was like that even though my clients were understanding. 'Tis why I say drawing is just a hobby for me.

"Why do you stick to traditional art?" - Familiar territory and I feel like workin' with a drawing tablet would be all sorts of frustratin' that I do not want to put up with. If it's somethin' like the Wii U tablet and Miiverse, that's a different story. In fact, I use to post a lot of my Miiverse art until I finally stopped usin' Miiverse (because I wanted to cross certain territory that I couldn't there) and made my transition to deviantART.

"Don't you have a side blog for your art here?" - I do and I feel it's already a bitch to maintain, so a side account for my art on REEtter would be a bigger pain to keep up-to-date, if I remember to.

"Isn't there anything you want to achieve with your skills?" - In truth, I do have a few goals, but they're nothing big: I wanna get to a point where I'm confident enough to draw some NSFW and other fun stuff like mockup manga covers and the like. The funny thing is, I have drawn some NSFW before, and I feel like I'm right there to go forth again, but some sort of mental block keeps me from makin' the leap. Otherwise, I have no endpoint to this journey. I want to just draw stuff and share what I make with the world. Maybe it's foolish, maybe I'm lettin' my skills go to waste when I *could* be so much more, but I'm not tryna be much more cause I just want a simple life.

And now that I'm feelin' better after that wreck, I can pick my mechanical pencil back up again. But that said, there's also somethin' I wanna change about myself. I've kinda been doin' it here for as long as I can remember, but I need to branch this attitude out to the rest of my online presence, and that is: puttin' my foot down and to stop sugarcoatin'

An issue I've had when it comes to interactin' with people on Discord (and on REEtter to an extent) is that I was never really able to just say what I was really feelin' on matters discussed out of fear I'd butt heads with some folks and possibly get myself in trouble. Recently tho, with the Skullgirls controversy that was happenin', I learned a few things about some people I call friends and mutuals in one server that unsettled me, not because *I* would end friendships over a difference in opinion, but I fear *they* wouldn't hesitate. What's worse is that I've been in that server for a few years, I've had a lot of laughs with most of them, and I believe they're not bad people, persay, but lord in this climate, I know cancel culture is very much still a thing and I feared it big time. But even so, I can't keep up this enigmatic presence of mine where I never show my hand and pretend I'm not always up to speed on things. (It does depend on the topic tho, I'm mostly concerned with video game and manga/anime stuff) Even if it means I may lose those I consider friends and such, it's probably better I've got the mates that can actually handle the real me (or as real as I can be)

So no more fakin' myself just to belong in a group that may or may not tear me to shreds for my beliefs.

... fuck, I think there was more I wanted to say, but as I'm typin' this, those words have left the brain. Ah well, the point has been made.

Now, back to tomfoolery.

= END

[apollo11fangirl]

I do agree with the whole protecting the town part. The problem comes with what he wants from the town and what the town needs. They want to get the town back on the map. Doc wants it to fade away. That conflict of interest is probably why when Sally confronts him about calling the news on Lighting (Monty) he says its best for the town. Sally is right to call him out on that. Doc just wants to be left alone and fade away. He cares about the residents since he lets them bicker and go about their lives. Mator even says in the movie that they made Doc the judge since he was so smart or something along those lines.

Doc cares for the residents he brought most to the race not only as pit crew but also to see what world that Lighting brought to them. He made sure that they got to see that Monty is alright. He didn't just bring Guido and Luigi, but most of the town and the ones he couldn't had a tv to watch it. This style of showing not telling speaks of how much trust he had for them. He's going back to the world that wronged him and taking a chance on someone who he doesn't full trust.

Now that gets to the racing side of Doc. The part of his past that's he constantly running from. Doc wants to run from his past. He was kicked out of the sport way to early and didn't have any options left to do. The only thing left for him was get some useful skill and fade away. My best guess on why he became a doctor was to distance himself from his past. A former dirt track racer could be a doctor is not what people would have expected from him. In turn that is the perfect thing for him to become and how the doctors after his crash fixed him up after it all. Their help may have inspired him to pursue that.

That also shows how Doc is forever connected to his racing past. I think when he saw the butte he thought 'yea, this could be a dirt track'. It may have been there but stock car or Nascar was still mainly on the east coast at this point, so Doc may have slowly made the track himself after hours of time on it alone. It may have been a way for him to keep his skill sharp after all this time. Especially since he can't show them to the rest of the town.

I do find the idea of him racing down some hooligans and Sheriff just wondering for a moment how a fellow southern like him got that good. Also, for dubble irony the hooligans have some fast car that the Hornet should have been unable to share speed with, but Doc made some speed modifications for his own enjoyment. Just the thought of Doc going way to fast that he has any right to be going and breaking out his old skills a fun one.

The main thing that Doc is suffering from in his PTSD. His whole world was changed after his crash and having the door slammed his face after word, just made it worse. Doc has a tone of skill and natural talent. It was just ignored for bigger and better things. When Lighting comes to town, he is what Doc once was and replace by. A loudmouth rookie with way too much ego for his own good. Doc was humbled with the crash, Lighting was with the town and Doc. I mean when Doc sees Monty for the first time, he has a PTSD attack right in the court room. That alone is enough to tell you that he relived the crash and being forced out of it. He only realizes this when Mator says he that he never got to say goodbye that he learns how much it must have hurt for his crew after he left.

Something that everyone looks over in Cars fandom is how everyone in RS dimsmises Doc being the Faboulus Hudson Horent. Like how did any one not have a single thought that he was not what he looked seamed.

First of all his license plate: 51HHMD. This is clear license plate shortening that translates to 51 Hudson Hornet Medical Doctor. My best guess is that they thought it was referring to his car being a 1951 Hudson Hornet and a doctor. The hornet is an older car, but we know that it means he is the Fabulous Hudson Hornet. The racing number matching the model year is a coincidence. The residents must have thought it was the car's model year, what it is, and the fact he has a medical degree.

Second thing, he spends what looks like quite a bit of time on his own. He's always alone in town, while the rest of the crew is at least there. He always is the last one to speak on the topic. Sometimes he never shows. Like when the customers come. The residents must have assumed that is how he is. That is true. He wants to spend his time alone as he broods with his past. It also for him helps prevent him from being recognized. Though we know from Lighting that everyone stopped looking for him if even he didn't realize it at first.

It looks like he has been there since the 80s, so everyone things it is just who he is. In a way it does make sense if they don't question how he is. He keeps sticking around, so why question what he does.

[thebuttsmcgee]

Tails GE 12 inch plush......is the question....

[chaeryybomb]

BRUTAL

pairings: female reader x best friend!jungwon

summary: they told you that these were the golden years, but to you "golden" was a rusting metal spray painted yellow. the story of a seventeen year old trying to survive high school when all you do is try your best. but your best friend jungwon makes it worth the while. 

genre: high school au, friends to lovers, fluff, tiny bits of angst if you squint, attempt at humour

featuring: jang wonyoung, kim sunoo & nishimura riki 

word count: 4.5k 

warnings: reader having a existential crisis most of the time, strong language, mentions of insecurity

the sour series masterlist

You slumped forward the moment the bell rang, letting your head hit the table. You could care less if a bruise would form on your forehead, you had much bigger things to worry about. Your teacher left the class wordlessly as the class was busy doing their own thing. And by that, everyone was buried nose deep in studying. You lifted your head to see the different books of the same topic scattered on your desk, a yellow highlighter balancing on the edge of your table.

Reaching over to grab the highlighter, you turned your head over to the side to look at your desk mate. Wonyoung sat there looking straight out from a k-drama, with her hair flowing down her back perfectly and her slender nimble fingers moving as she continuously wrote in her notebook. She was smart too, fluent in English and Korean, great at maths and science. And on top of that she was kind and friendly, everyone loved her. You did too, you had the honour of calling her your best friend. But sometimes you felt insecure around her, everything she did looked flawless and there you were just trying your best.

"Ack!" You yelped as you sat up straight, holding your forehead. Wonyoung rolled her eyes at you with a small smile on her lips, she had flicked your forehead to get you out of your thoughts.

Without taking her eyes off the textbook, she tapped your own workbook with her pen. Silently telling you to stop procrastinating. You pouted at her and looked at the clock, 10 minutes before lunch. Maybe a walk to the girl's bathroom would do you some good.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom," you whispered to Wonyoung. She nodded and smiled at you before you walked out.

As you strolled towards the girl's bathroom, you passed by the bulletin board outside your class. A bright blue poster stood out with the words "ENJOY YOUR YOUTH" in white. Scoffing at the message, you continued on your way.

"I'm seventeen now, where's my fucking teenage dream?" You muttered to yourself. You were tired of waiting for your life to end up like a coming of age movie. Everyone told you that these were the golden years and you should enjoy your youth, but you swear to god if you hear another one of those cheesy sayings, you might just cry on the spot.

Reaching over to open the stall door, you halt in your actions when you heard familiar voices talking.

"I'm so worried for finals, my parents are gonna kill me if I fail English again," a girl complained. You hear the sound of tap water running. "How are you so calm during this time, Mirae?'

"What's the use of studying hard anyways," the second girl, Mirae, said. "We all know the top spots are gonna be taken by Jang Wonyoung and Yang Jungwon, I just study enough to pass."

The other girl snorted at her reply. "Imagine if those two got together, the power couple of the year," she suddenly said.

"Poor Y/N then, she's gonna be over shadowed by them."

"As if she already isn't. I almost forgot they were a trio until you mentioned Y/N," the girl laughed.

"What can I say? They're out of her league," Mirae joined in with her laughter.

The two voices faded away as you heard the door closed. Finally pushing the door open, you looked at your reflection. Your eyebrows knitted in annoyance and your face was morphed in a scowl. You washed your hands aggressively and poked the inside of your cheek. What bugged you was that they were right. You were the black sheep between Wonyoung and Jungwon. Both of them were smart and amazing, and you're just…you.

You love your best friends, you truly do. But you were constantly compared to them and you hated it. Everyone wanted them, you watched as guys tripped over to confess to Wonyoung and girls squealing when Jungwon smiled at them. The two of them always reassured you that you weren't beneath them but you were sick of their sympathy. You're so caught up in the news of who likes you and who hates them. You just wished people liked you more.

Storming out of the bathroom, someone accidentally ran into you and caused you to fell onto your butt. The student immediately stood up and scurried off, not bothering to even a mutter an apology. All I did was try my best and this is the thanks I get, you thought bitterly.

They said that these were the golden years, but you wished you could just disappear. God, it's brutal out here.

"Y/N, wait up!" Jungwon called after you.

You stopped in your tracks as you watched Jungwon waved goodbye to some students before jogging towards you.

"You heading to cram school today?" He asked you as the both of you fell into the same walking rhythm.

You shook your head, clasping your hands behind. "I moved it to Thursday instead, Wonyoung said I had to many things on Tuesday," you told him. Originally, you would be heading to the library to study before heading over to the cram school. But Wonyoung took one look at your schedule and decided that you did not had enough breaks, so she managed to convince you to take the Thursday slot instead. Thursdays are one of the days where you would not go to the library.

Jungwon seemed to be disappointed to find out that you had switched slots. Maybe he should changed slots too, but does he have any empty spots open for Thursday though? He'd have to check later. Instead, he coughed and stuffed his hands into his pockets.

"Do you wanna come over later? The new Demon Slayer movie is out," he offered, hoping that you'd accept.

Unfortunately, you once again shook your head. "Sorry Jungwon, I'd want to cram even more later. Finals are really creeping in and I can't afford to waste any time," you told him with a sad smile. As much as you would like to ditch the books and watch Demon Slayer, the glaring C on your last history paper was telling you otherwise.

You stopped walking when you had reached your doorstep. "Thanks for walking me home, Jungwon. See you tomorrow!" and with that you disappeared behind the door.

Jungwon waved goodbye as he watched the door closed. The smile on his face dropped and his shoulder sagged. Jungwon you idiot, of course she would want to study, he scolded himself. With disappointment on his face, he trudged home with a heavy heart.

"Change of plans, guys," he announced as he swung the front door open, unfazed by the fact that Riki and Sunoo were lounging on his coach. He accepted the fact that Sunoo had somehow gotten the keys to his house (suspecting that his mother probably gave it to him due to favouritism or maybe Riki had sneakily made a copy).

Riki's head poked out from the couch. "She rejected you, didn't she," the younger boy said with a smirk.

Jungwon's face ears turned red as he glared at the boy. "No she did not!" He immediately told him. "She rejected the offer to watch the movie, that's different!"

"That's basically rejection, hyung," Riki laughed.

The other boy just glared at him. "Shut up!" he sputtered out before hiking up the stairs.

Sunoo gave Riki a look, to which the Japanese boy just shrugged his shoulders innocently.

Jungwon walked out from the shower, a towel around his neck with one hand running through his damp hair. Sunoo and Riki had left earlier, finally giving him some peace and quiet. His phone screen was flashing from his study table, initiating that someone was spamming him (quite aggressively) with text message. With a raised eyebrow, he picked up his phone

[7:09 pm] wonyoung: JUNGWON

[7:09 pm] wonyoung: JUNGWON

[7:09 pm] wonyoung: JUNGWON

[7:10 pm] wonyoung: WHY DID Y/N JUST MESSAGED ME ABOUT HOMEWORK

[7:10 pm] wonyoung: ISNT SHE WITH YOU

[7:11 pm] wonyoung: I THOUGHT YOU SAID U WERE GONNA WATCH A MOVIE

[7:11 pm] wonyoung: DEMON HUNTER OR SMTG

[7:12 pm] wonyoung: WHY IS SHE ASKING ME FOR HW

[7:12 pm] wonyoung: DID U CHICKEN OUT???

[7:13 pm] wonyoung: omg u chickened out didnt u

[7:14 pm] jungwon: jfc wonyoung

[7:15 pm] jungwon: and no i did not chicken out okay

[7:15 pm] jungwon: she declined

[7:16 pm] jungwon: she said she had to study ;-;

[7:17 pm] wonyoung: omg u suck

[7:17 pm] wonyoung: i told u the movie idea was dumb

[7:18 pm] wonyoung: but do u ever listen to me

[7:18 pm] wonyoung: no

[7:19 pm] wonyoung: and now u suffer the consequences

[7:20 pm] jungwon: yea yea i get it im dumb

[7:20 pm] jungwon: now what's ur solution the great jang wonyoung

[7:21 pm] wonyoung: i am so glad u asked :)

[7:21 pm] jungwon: oh no

[7:21 pm] wonyoung: stfu im giving u a better idea

[7:22 pm] wonyoung: a n y w a y s

[7:22 pm] wonyoung: my ynradar is going off and she's s a d

[7:23 pm] jungwon: how would u know

[7:23 pm] jungwon: she seemed fine today

[7:23 pm] wonyoung: stfu jungwon its best friend things u wont understand

[7:24 pm] jungwon: i-

[7:25 pm] wonyoung: and as her future bf u SHOULD start to train ur ynradar

[7:25 pm] wonyoung: anw its exam season stoopid

[7:26 pm] wonyoung: and its when those kids start to talk abt how the both of us are gonna get top scores

[7:26 pm] wonyoung: and they talk down on y/n while doing so

[7:26 pm] wonyoung: assholes

[7:27 pm] wonyoung: so i propose to u

[7:27 pm] wonyoung: a ✨ study date ✨

[7:28 pm] jungwon: i

[7:29 pm] jungwon: that's

[7:29 pm] jungwon: actually not a bad idea

[7:30 pm] wonyoung: obv i came up with it

[7:31 pm] jungwon: can u not

[7:31 pm] wonyoung: anw a study date

[7:32 pm] wonyoung: she's struggling in maths

[7:33 pm] wonyoung: specifically taxes because she said and i quote

[7:34 pm] wonyoung: "why do we have to do taxes when we pay people to do it for us"

[7:34 pm] wonyoung: so pls help her and try to cheer her up

[7:35 pm] wonyoung: and confess coward

[7:36 pm] jungwon: i make no promises for the last one

[7:36 pm] wonyoung: aFTER EVERYTHING I JUST SAID

[7:37 pm] jungwon: what if she rejects me wonyoung

[7:38 pm] wonyoung: WE'VE HAD THIS CONVERSATION A LOT OF TIMES JUNGWON

[7:38 pm] wonyoung: SHE LIKES U BUT SHES TOO DUMB TO REALISE

[7:39 pm] jungwon: sigh

[7:40 pm] jungwon: fine i'll try thanks wonyoung

[7:41 pm] wonyoung: np i expect y'all to be a couple by next monday <3

[7:41 pm] jungwon: i-

Sighing for the nth time of the night, Jungwon sat on his bed. He allowed the towel to slipped off his shoulders as his thumb hovered over your chat icon. Truth be told, he always thought his crush on you was unrequited love. You never showed any signs of returning of feelings so he thought he would just ignore the feeling until it was gone.

But oh boy was he wrong, because he didn't knew that he would be spending his high school years by your side. And now you occupy his mind 24/7. Wonyoung could literally tell that he was in love with you, but somehow you never caught on. He allowed Sunoo and Riki to convince him to do the whole "movie date idea", but that failed. So Wonyoung's suggestion was his only option left.

He typed out the message, ready to send it out. If only he could just press the button. Come on Yang Jungwon, you can do this. Just press the damn button Jungwon. Suddenly his phone pinged loudly, scaring the lights out of the poor boy as he yelped and his phone landed with a thud on the ground. He peered over his bed, as if his phone was a ticking bomb.

Oh, it was a message from you.

[8:01 pm] y/n: hey do u know where wonyoung is

[8:01 pm] y/n: she isn't answering my texts

Oh no. He realised that your chat was open, the two ticks indicated that he had (unintentionally) read the message. He couldn't just leave you on read. That's just evil. Scrambling to get his phone, he immediately typed a reply to cover for the other girl.

[8:02 pm] jungwon: sorry i don't :/

[8:02 pm] jungwon: what do u need her for

[8:03 pm] y/n: mf was supposed to teach me a maths question but she left me on rEAD

This was his chance! It was the perfect opportunity for him to score a date with you. Okay, breathe in breath out Jungwon. Don't mess it up and just ask her, he mentally prepared himself.

[8:04 pm] jungwon: oh i could help you if you want

[8:04 pm] jungwon: yk with finals coming up and everything, i can help you study

[8:05 pm] jungwon: if you want of course

[8:05 pm] y/n: omg srsly??

[8:06 pm] jungwon: pls help me study my braincells are literally dying

[8:07 pm] jungwon: jdsjkda okay how about this saturday at your place?

[8:08 pm] y/n: yeah sure

[8:08 pm] jungwon: cool its a date then!

You blinked at Jungwon's message. A date? Wait, did Yang Jungwon just indirectly asked you out? Nah, nah. You were overthinking it. Yes, definitely overthinking. Don't kid yourself, why would Jungwon ask you out on a date? Jungwon is just a friend, you tried to convince yourself.

Keyword: tried.

If he really was just a friend, then why did it felt like butterflies were in your stomach when he said "it was a date"? Then why did you frowned when those girls said that Wonyoung and Jungwon would make a good couple?

Oh god, do you have feelings for your best friend?

Saturday came faster than you would have liked it to. Ever since that last chat with Jungwon, it gave you the sudden realisation that you did in fact had feelings for your best friend. You tried so hard to avoid him in school because you don't want the butterflies back in your stomach. It was basically confirming the fact that you like him. Well, avoiding him also confirmed the fact but you choose to be in denial about it.

You didn't tell Wonyoung about your study date but lately she's been sending you outfit ideas on Pinterest. Specifically, date outftis. And whenever you tried to ask her a question about school, she brushed you off with a random excuse. So it left you no choice but to save those questions for Jungwon.

Speaking of Jungwon, he had texted you 10 minutes ago that he was on the way. You were standing in the middle of your room with your hands on your hips. Both of your parents were out for the day, which left you alone at home. You had taken out the low table to be used later and it was currently in front of you. Colourful workbooks were neatly stacked on top of it.

You did a 360 turn around your room. Was it messy? You cleaned it this morning when you woke up. Did you had any clothes out? No, doesn't look like it. For some reason, you were a nervous wreck. You blamed Jungwon. He just had to call this a date, didn't he.

Should you change? Maybe you should finally look through all those pins Wonyoung sent. Wait, no, why would you have to change into something nice. Jungwon was here to help you study, just that.

Yeah, a study date, your mind emphasised on the word.

The sound of the doorbell pulled you out from your thoughts. You immediately went to open the door. Yang Jungwon stood there on the other side, with his signature smile. Had he always resembled a sheep? He just looked so fluffy.

"Hey!" You greeted him with a smile, internally wincing at your way-too-enthusiastic voice.

But Jungwon didn't seem to mind it. "Hey!" he greeted back.

You moved to the side to let him in. "Thank you for having me," he said as he bowed then proceeded to remove his shoes.

"Uh, do you want anything? Water?" You asked him.

He shook his head.

"Ah, cool. Let's head to my room," you started to walk back to your room.

"Where are your parents?" He asked.

"Out," you simply replied.

That was when it dawned upon you, that your parents were not home. Leaving you and Jungwon, alone. Together. In your room. Alone. With the boy you potentially have a crush on.

"Y/N?" Jungwon tapped on your shoulder. You had stopped walking when you were suddenly washed over by your thoughts. Snapping out of it, you sent him a small smile before opening the room to your door.

The both of you shuffled into your bedroom, you sat down in front of the low table while Jungwon settled down next to you. He moved to take out his books then turned to you. "How about we do some studying and if you have any questions, you can ask me okay?" He said.

You nodded and flipped your own workbook open, immediately starting to work on the first question. Jungwon copied your action and a comfortable silence engulfed the both of you. As the time passed, you found yourself stuck on a certain maths question.

You slightly turned your head to the side to look at Jungwon. He was concentrated at doing his work, you felt a sense of deja vu while looking at him. He resembled Wonyoung when she was studying. At the thought of Wonyoung, you suddenly thought of what those girls said at the bathroom.

They would make a good couple, wouldn't they, you thought. The power couple of the year.

The butterflies in your stomach faded away into an uncomfortable feeling. Just the idea of them getting together already made you sick. You bit the inside of your cheek, you really did had feelings for him. And now it scared you because what if he doesn't feel the same. You made a mental note to consult with Wonyoung later, at least you hope that you'll allow yourself to tell her.

Jungwon must've noticed you staring and gently tapped your head with his pencil. A contrast to when Wonyoung painfully flicked your forehead.

"What's wrong? Are you stuck on a question?" He asked.

You leaned back a bit at the sudden action. You were so deep in your insecurities that you had totally forgotten about the literal problem sitting in front of you. Yet you couldn't even bother to ask him so you just shook your head. "I'm gonna get something to drink," you said instead.

Jungwon watched as you stood up, then decided to follow you as well. "I'll come along."

The boy joined you in the kitchen, perched on one of the island stools as you grabbed a can of soda from the fridge. He studied your movement as you worked around the kitchen. Your features were neutral, you weren't smiling nor frowning. But he could tell that your shoulders were tensed. Wonyoung was right, you did seem down. And he cursed himself for not noticing earlier.

"You okay?" His question made you stopped in a mid-pour stance, the can of soda was tilted but not enough for the contents to be poured out.

You brushed his question off and poured the drink into the cup. "Yeah," you hummed.

Unconvinced by your answer, he pried more. "You know you shouldn't care about what they say, right?"

You furrowed your eyebrows at him, pretending like you didn't understand where he was coming from.

"You're not below us, you know that right?"

You couldn't help but scoffed at his words. Jungwon's lips tugged downwards "I'm being serious here, Y/N," his tone was stern. "You shouldn't listen to what they say. You're more than just-"

The sound of the can being slammed down shuts him up. Your fingers tightened around the can as you looked at him. You didn't had the energy to hear him preach the same old "Don't Listen To Them" speech. You don't need his pity.

"I don't want to hear it, Yang Jungwon," you said through gritted teeth. Not sparing him another glance, you threw the empty can into the trash as you grabbed your glass.

As you walked past Jungwon, he suddenly reached out and held onto your forearm. "Y/N," he said softly. "Please tell me what's wrong."

You sighed and slowly turn around to face him, placing the glass back on the counter. You took in a deep breath before you opened your mouth. "I feel like I'm not enough," you finally said. "Everything I do just doesn't seem enough. All I'm doing is my best but it's just crushing my ego because everyone is telling me that you're better than me."

"I feel like no one wants me and I hate the way I'm perceived. It's always poor Y/N this and poor Y/N that's because everyone just sees me as your shadow and I fucking hate it. I only have two real friends," you gestured wildly. "And lately I'm a nervous wreck cause I keep comparing myself to the two of you. I'm not cool and I'm not smart, and I can't even parallel park!" You threw your hands up in frustration, the feelings you kept inside were pouring out like a waterfall.

Jungwon just stood there as he listened tentatively to every word. He didn't knew that you felt this way, bottling up all your emotions like that.

"And I'm so tired of people telling me to enjoy my youth and that these are the golden years. I might just fucking cry if I hear those words again," you finished ranting. It felt good, it felt like a weight on your heart has been lifted. Then you remembered that you just dumped all of it on Jungwon.

You opened your mouth to apologise to him but he surprised you by pulling him into his arms. At first you were standing stiffly at the sudden contact, but it took a millisecond for you to melt in his embrace. His arms were gently around your back and you returned the hug by wrapping your arms around his torso. The two of you stay in that position for awhile, relishing in each other's embrace. You definitely needed this hug.

Tightening your hold on Jungwon, you realised how important he was to you. He was your best friend and he was always there for you. It was stupid of you to compare yourself to him, when all he did was tried his best for you. The taller boy chuckled when he felt you rubbed your face into his shoulder, he involuntarily released a contented sigh. You felt one of his hands stroked your hair, it felt comforting. That action itself was enough for the butterflies to slowly settled back in you.

After a while, both of you finally (unwillingly) released each other. He pushed a strand of hair behind your ears and said, "You're wrong by the way." Which made you tilt your head in genuine confusion.

"You are cool and you are smart. You're like the coolest person I know. And no one thinks of you as our shadow, you don't hear it but I've always hear the juniors praising you for helping them and how enthusiastic you are," the way he delivered his words was filled with pure awe for you.

"And who cares if you can't parallel park. You didn't hear it from but Jay hyung failed his drivers test three times just because he couldn't parallel park," and that got a laugh out from you. Jungwon smiled proudly that he managed to make you laugh. "And you're wrong when you said no one wants you. I want you."

You blinked once, twice and thrice. He wanted you? "You're just saying that cause you're my best friend," you replied.

"No," he firmly said. "I like you, Y/N."

(Jungwon doesn't know where he got this sudden surge of confidence, but the mood was the perfect time for him to confess. It was a one time chance and he had to take it.)

You chuckled. "I like you too, Jungwon. We are friends aren't we?"

"No, Y/N. I like you. More than friends."

"Oh." Oh.

"Yeah," he scratched the back of neck awkwardly. Oh no, did you not feel the same way?

While you on the other hand, were malfunctioning on the inside. Your best friend just confessed to you and you were frozen on the spot. Why couldn't he had done it over text instead. If he had done it over text, then you could've left the message unread and you could've spammed Wonyoung for help. But the thing is that it wasn't over text and you couldn't just tell him to wait here while you panicked to Wonyoung in your bathroom.

Yang Jungwon likes you. And you like him too, right? Because if you didn't, your cheeks won't be heating up right now and your heart would have not be beating rapidly like it was going to break your rib cage any second. If you didn't like him, there would have never been butterflies in your stomach. Yeah. You like Yang Jungwon, you like him a lot.

"Me too," you whispered, it was soft but it was enough for him to pick it up. Jungwon eyes snapped to you, doe eyed filled with hope. "I like you, too," you said, this time louder. And you made sure you looked him in the eye when you confessed.

You watched as Jungwon's mouth morphed into a big grin. He let out a sigh of relief and dropped to his knees, surprising you. "Jungwon!" you squeaked, bending down to help him.

"I'm fine! I'm fine," he assured you as he stood up with your help. The grin on his face was still there. "It's just that … you like me," he breathed out. "You like me back, wow. I-I can't believe it."

Your face was definitely burning with embarrassment. You punched him lightly on the shoulder, turning away to hide your face. "Believe it, you dork. I like you, okay!" Somehow his grin was able to grew wider at your words, Gently, he took your hand in his.

"How about we stop this study date, and I'll take you out on real date?"

© chaeryybomb 2021

a/n: thank you so much for reading this <3

[purplehoodiesimon]

Hand holding - 11

Hugs - 34

Hand holding 11. not wanting to lose each other in a big crowd

It's Wille's first time at Pride. Well, not technically. There was that time a few years ago when his family was on their way back from another event and they got caught up in the Stockholm traffic. About an hour in, he and Erik went with one of the bodyguards in search of some food and ended up hanging around one of the outer-layer stalls for a bit. But that really doesn't count, in his opinion. This year he's going to Pride, as an out queer prince holding hands with his boyfriend. It's a lot.

Felice insisted on coming along as well, as a show of support, and that somehow dragged Madison in too, followed by Stella and Fredericka (who have been dating for a while apparently—Wille had no idea until he saw them kissing at the movies a week ago), which then of course meant Simon had to get Rosh and Ayub in on it to balance it out, and then Erik caught wind of their plans and invited his girlfriends. So now Wille is standing in a parking lot surrounded by chaos. There's glitter, there's makeup, there's music and screaming and paint being flung through the air. And they haven't even entered the main festival area yet.

"Doing okay?" Simon asks, walking up to where Wille is leaning against the car. There's an entire rainbow facepaint handprint on his cheek, courtesy of Madison, and Wille can see a little bit of eyeliner smudged on his eyes if he looks closer. He looks beautiful, as the sun shines through his curls and catches on some glitter that's somehow made its way there.

"Yea," Wille answers, surprised to find that it's an honest answer. It's a bit overwhelming being here, but he feels okay. Simon smiles at him, looking adorable, and Wille is just about to reach out to pull him into a kiss when he notices Madison approaching with a mischievous grin.

"You're the last one before we go in!" She says, holding the mess of paints and a tub of glitter up. Wille shakes his head, slowly backing away. "Please?"

"One little heart," he concedes, and tries not to squirm away from the cold, sticky feeling of the brush as she paints it on. "And no glitter."

Madison pouts for a second before screwing the lid onto the glitter and leaving. Wille turns to Simon, scrunching his face up at his boyfriend's laughter.

"You better protect me when we go in there," Wille says, pouting as he reaches out for Simon. "Since you did nothing to protect me from Madison."

"I'm so sorry," Simon says, drawing the words out in a way that means he's not sorry at all. He grabs Wille's hand, twining their fingers together. "I'll hold your hand the entire time, okay? So we don't get separated."

It's a bit unnecessary. They've already decided to keep away from the bigger crowds, deeming events like this more fun when no one's trying to avoid being trampled, but it doesn't matter. Wille grins, squeezing Simon's hand and pressing a kiss to his cheek. A year ago, he could have never imagined holding Simon's hand in public like this, about to proudly walk into the biggest queer event of the year.

"Yea, I think that'll work. So we don't get separated," he teases back, loving the twinkle in Simon's eye. Simon's hand is warm in his as the group sets off, eager to get the day started.

Hugs 34. hugging while grabbing butt

"Hey." Simon startles a little when he feels arms wrap around him. Wille's chin hooks over his shoulder, his breath tickling Simon's ear. "What are you looking for?"

Simon turns in his arms, holding up a book in the small space between them to show Wille the title. "Some of us are actually working on our essays instead of groping our boyfriends in the library."

"I am working on my essay. A little bit." Wille says, pouting as he runs his hands over Simon's arms, lightly stroking them. "And I am not groping you." He leans in, pressing Simon back against the bookshelf. "But if you want to go back to my room..."

"Wille." Simon plants a hand firmly on his chest, pushing him back a bit. "We've already gone back to your room twice today. This essay is due on Tuesday and I would like to get a good grade on it."

"Ugh, fine." Wille drapes his arms over Simon's shoulders. "Can I have a hug at least?"

Simon looks at his boyfriend, with his bright eager smile and still slightly mussed hair, and gives in. He wraps his arms around Wille's waist, pulling him into a tight hug. Wille sighs contentedly, nuzzling his face into Simon's neck, his breath fanning hot again Simon's skin.

"We could just cuddle," Wille says quietly, as Simon starts to lightly stroke his back. "Back in my room. I don't care what we do, I just want you."

"Well..." Simon muses, his hand slipping lower as he glances around, noting that there's no one nearby. He really does need to get this essay finished sooner than later but... a little fun along the way couldn't hurt. He shoves his hand into Wille's back pocket, squeezing quickly before returning it to Wille's waist. Wille tenses up, pulling back from the hug just enough to look Simon in the eye, an excited gleam in his gaze. "That's all you're getting until I've finished this paragraph. Maybe after you can get a kiss, if you behave. Alright?"

Wille smirks, pulling away from the hug and holding his hands up in surrender. "Who's groping who now?"

"Shut up," Simon says, grinning as he pulls down another book and makes his way back to their table. Wille follows, promising to actually work on his essay now, knocking his foot against Simon's under the table as they sit down. There's a tension in the air, as he switches tabs to his essay, too aware of Wille's presence next to him. It's fine though, he can work through it. Well, he hopes he can. Otherwise he'll have to break his own promise, and as much as he loves kissing his boyfriend, this essay really needs to be finished.

Send me a number with the list type and I'll write a little drabble for it!

[thescreamingraven]

A promise

Dabi x reader

Genre/warnings: Fluff and angst, domestic, slight mentions of injury.

Words:  2 203

Summary:  A promise is something to be kept then why do you insist on breaking it?

“Mom! Daddy’s home” Your daughter screamed at the top of her lungs as she charged to the door. When it opened, Dabi couldn’t even get one foot in your house before she clung to him.

“I’m home.” Dabi smiled softly, picking up his little girl.

You appeared from the kitchen and approached the two of them. “Welcome home.” You cooed gently, reaching up and running your fingers through Dabi’s hair.

It’s been like that for a few years, peaceful and quiet.. It was a bit difficult at first, when you told Dabi you were pregnant and were planning to keep it; he started to avoid you, ignoring your calls and messages, but after some soul searching he came around. You both knew deep down that it was the right thing to do, even if it was going to be difficult.

After that, you both quickly bought a small house together in a safe area outside the city. You took a break from heroism and Dabi stopped going on missions for a while. The nine months were tough with your hormones taking a toll and Dabi being not the most patient person ever, it had an impact on your relationship. Also, the fear of bringing a new life into this corrupted world wasn’t the best either, but here you were… countless sleepless nights later.

Your little girl was almost eight now, which was exciting on its own. She was the perfect picture of her dad. You sometimes wondered if she got any genes from you or was it all her Dabi. Who knew that a hero and villain could create someone so pure, so sweet, so innocent and so loud…

You leaned against your kitchen counter and looked at the two most important people in your life. Your daughter was sitting in Dabi’s lap babbling about her day and showing the pictures you helped her draw. You instinctively touched your stomach. “We need to tell him” You whispered to yourself, rubbing small circles on your stomach.

You decided to try a new recipe you saw online, which proved to be quite a challenge. It was something you never cooked before and the steps were confusing. You massaged your temples and jumped a bit when you felt someone’s arms around you.

“Here, let me help, you must be tired…” Dabi Purred as he took the knife you’ve had in your hands and placed it on the counter after that he gently kissed your cheek

“Well, hello to you too.” You giggled, relaxing into his warmth.

“Your shoulders feel a bit stern.” He said placing a kiss on your shoulder and reaching to get another cutboard from the upper cabinet.

“I’m fine. I didn’t even do that much today.” You mumbled picking up the knife once again.

“Still….” He looked at his daughter who was scribbling something on a piece of paper, from this angle she looked like an angel, deep down he still couldn’t believe that it was his daughter, even if she did look a lot like him. “She can be a little… active sometimes.”

He looked at your phone. “New recipe, huh?”

“Yea thought I’d try cooking something new.”

“How do I… cut this?” You murmured to yourself, holding the knife horizontally.

“If you do that you’ll cut yourself, Hold on, give me your hands,” Dabi said as he once again stood behind you, intertwining his hands with yours and assisting you in cutting.

“Getting handsy, huh?” You teased.

“Don’t get any ideas miss, I’m taken,” He looked at you and nuzzled slightly into your neck “And happily so.”

You giggled, planting a small kiss on his cheek.

“Have you ever cooked this before?” You asked soothingly.

“I cooked something similar, I think… When I was little, I need to help out a lot because of my siblings, so I learned how to cook.” He explained. “I think my mom used to cook something similar.”

“Huh, maybe you should drop this whole villainy thing and become a chef.” You chuckled, turning around to face him.

“Oh yeah, I’ll conquer the world with my amazing cooking skills…” He remarked, pulling you closer.

You wrapped your arms around his neck and scratched his scalp gently. You both looked at your daughter, who was now distracted by the TV.

“You know she’s really excited about her birthday tomorrow.” You chirped.

“Did she ask for that dog again?” He smirked.

Tell him

“You okay?”

Now or never, just spit it out

“She asked for a puppy again.” You mumbled turning your back on him, once again focusing on your dish, Dabi cocked his eyebrow and sighed.

“No, seriously, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” You smiled faintly. “I’m just glad your back is all.”

You glanced at him and saw that he wasn’t going to let this go, so before he could continue pressing the matter, you mumbled. “I think it’s finished… think you can get her?”

He gave you a suspicious look but nodded nonetheless. He walked towards your daughter while you began to set the table.

He sat down near her, patting her head. “Dinners ready.” He cooed softly.

Before she could get up, he gently pulled her into a hug and whispered. “Mommy seems a bit off today, do you know why?”

“No, but,” She hesitated and looked at her father, he gave her a slight nod and she continued “Mommy cried today… I asked her why but she didn’t tell me…”

“I see,” he mumbled. “Well, get your butt to the kitchen.”

“But my drawing…”

“You can finish it later…” He chirped slightly patting her back.

She gave him her drawing “Do you like it?”

“Of course I do now, cmon” He picked her up while her loud giggles filled the room “time to eat.

The dinner went by quietly while your daughter’s favorite cartoons played in the background you and Dabi barely kept any conversation going. The guilt of keeping it from him grew bigger and bigger by the minute.

Dabi could see that you were nervous about something, but decided not to start that kind of discussion in front of your kid. The last thing she needs is to worry about her parents fighting, he thought.

When the dinner ended, you suggested washing the dishes while Dabi put your daughter to sleep. It didn’t take you that long to finish and the stars outside looked so gorgeous tonight, so you decided to go get some fresh air and do some soul searching, so you put on Dabi’s jacket and your shoes and stepped outside. The night was warm with no trail of wind anywhere; the crickets were loudly chirping. You looked up at the sky and got lost in it; it was difficult not to, There were so many stars, different sizes, ones brighter than the others. You were so overwhelmed by the night’s sky that you didn’t even notice Dabi coming up to you and leaning down on the porch next to you.

“Have room for one more?”

You jumped slightly.

“Sorry didn’t see you there…” You gasped.

“But Yes, I think there’s one more free spot right here.” You teased, tapping the railing, signaling him to get closer, and he did. He wrapped one of his hands around you and pulled you in.

“She’s something else huh..?” He quietly mumbled, “Hell, I still can’t believe that’s she’s ours… we made her…”

With a sigh, he gently turned your face so you would meet his gaze.

“Tell me what’s wrong”

Before you could say anything he quickly interrupted, “Don’t say nothing, I know you well enough to know when something is bothering you.”

You let your head fall, scared to meet his gaze.

“Were you going to tell me?” You asked with simple directness. “About the mission.”

“Oh…” He sighed. “You heard that…”

You gave him a sad smile “Yeah,” You finally lifted your head facing his piercing blue eyes.

“You never keep things for me….” You murmured. “So wh-?”

”Your doctor left you a voicemail.” he said with a casual tone. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

He saw your expression change like lighting, and the look of guilt replaced any frustration you might have had.

He’s going to leave you.

You should’ve told him before it was too late.

“I…” You signed, “I was going to tell you…”

“When?”

You hesitated. “Soon…?”

“Bullshit,” He snapped. “two months Y/n, that’s a long time. And you know what’s worse, I had to find out from your doctor… and on accident too.”

“I’m sorry.” You Sniffled. “I just…” Suddenly it became all too overwhelming, and you began to sob. “I thought… I thought maybe, you didn’t want it… and maybe you’d leave… like l-last time”

He saw you break down before his eyes. “Y/n…” He pulled you into his warm embrace, slowly messaging your back.

“Look at me.” He cupped your cheeks and made you face him. “I want this… alright?”

“R- really?”

“Yes, of course, I do…” He cooed softly, wiping away your tears with his thumb. “you’re not getting rid of me that easily. And besides, I’m happy that our little angel will get a sibling, maybe she’ll calm down a bit.” He smiled.

“I just wish you’ve told me…” He pressed a gentle kiss on your forehead. “Let’s go inside, we wouldn’t want you to get sick now would we.”

You lay entangled in Dabi’s arms, feeling his slow and calm heartbeat, while he draws small circles on your back.

“So is it dangerous?” You finally broke the silence.

“No, just some basic stuff. Don’t worry, it won’t take that long… I’ll be home before morning. It will be like I never left.”

You lifted your head from Dabi’s chest.

“You know she’ll be crushed if you don’t come.” You murmured, nuzzling away a stray of hair from his face.

“I will, I promise, I’ll come back to you… and when I do…” we can both go pick up that mutt she keeps babbling on about.”

You repeated confusingly. “Mutt?” You giggled. “You got her a dog.”

“Quiet,” He shushed.

“You’re such a softie Toya… where did my big evil villain go?” You teased.

“Shut up you snot,” He pressed your head back on his chest “it’s your fault you know you did this,” he retorted.

Before sleep could overtake, you whispered something to him.

“I love you… please come back to me…”

“I love you too Y/n, and I will that’s a promise”

After that, you slowly drifted away to a deep slumber.

Half of the city laid in ashes, the street where Dabi was thrown during his little encounter only had one street light left. He slowly began to crawl to a nearby boulder thrown by none other than Endeavor himself. It was supposed to be a simple low-key mission; they needed to retrieve some supplies from one of their warehouses. How did something so insignificant attract the hero’s attention?

“I know you’re there, old man, you can come out. Noth-” He winced in pain, trying to at least slow down the bleeding. “I can’t really do anything now.”

He could see two figures approaching him, yet even in the dead of night, he knew who they were.

“You know I never thought that Shoto would-” he coughed.

“But you did it, you actually did it.” He chuckled.

Both figures quickly appeared before him, kneeling down next to him, talking about something Dabi could barely understand. He looked at Shoto, who was seemed to be panicking. “We need to get him help.” Endeavor stated while wrapping something around Dabi’s torso.

“I knew this day would come… eventually, I just didn’t expect you to-” Dabi began to cough drastically.

“Stop talking, son, and save your strength.” Endeavor advised.

“He’s bleeding out fast.” Shoto shuddered while trying to keep constant pressure on the wound. “Keep your eyes open, Toya. “Shoto pleaded.

“You’re such a softie Toya… where did my big evil villain go?”

Dabi tried to push himself up, mumbling something under his breath, but Shoto stopped him. “I can’t die here… I promised her… I-” Dabi started to tremble.

“I think he’s confused.” Shoto blurted.

“I love you… please come back to me…”

“Just hold on alright? We’ll get you some help.” Endeavor comforted.

Dabi could feel himself getting colder, he could feel himself slipping away. So he made a decision. He pulled Endeavor closer by his collar.

“Listen, you old bastard.” he coughed. “124th. Cherry street.”

Endeavor stared at him, confused and dumbfounded, not knowing what to do.

“Repeat it to me.” Dabi barked.

“124th. Cherry street.”

“Good. If I don’t make it Keep them safe for me…” Dabi winced in pain. “And tell…. tell, ” Dabi mumbled something under his breath, before slowly passing out.

The sound of the sirens was blocked by Shotos screaming and Endeavor murmuring something like a chant or prayer. Yet the only thing that Dabi could hear was the voices that sounded almost angelic. They pulled him deeper into the darkness like sirens luring him into a song he could never leave.

“I love you… please come back to me…”

“I love you too Y/n, and I will, that’s a promise”

[draconic-ichor]

In the Steel Steeds Heart

Chapter 16: Bloodmoon’s Dawn

Warnings: strong language blood/gore, body horror, dead bodies, fire

Summary: Heisenberg searches for Juniper the morning after the hunt.

Feedback appreciated. 18+

Heisenberg trudged through the village. The sun had just started to rise in the pale dawn, the village trying to regroup after the Hunt.

He’d heard the gunshot, over the screams and howls. It made his blood run cold, fear and worry churning his gut into a mess.

The feeling didn’t leave him as he wandered the somber streets, the smell of blood and shit assaulting his nose.

But, above that, the horrid odor of burning hair and flesh rose with the wind. He rounded a corner to see a collection of men throwing bodies into a fire, the heat of it reaching his skin from that distance.

Most were Lycans, but there were a few dead and mangled villagers added to the blaze. Their fear of the dead turning spurred the villagers to burn both the creatures and the felled alike.

The thought of finding her on the pile….

He shook the thoughts away, trying to avoid the darkness that crept the corners of his brain.

He heard the wails of a woman, mourning a lost husband or son. He didn’t care to listen for details.

He continued along the street, looking into every fire for a familiar shape. His pale eyes scanning the charred bodies for anything resembling a varcalac alpha.

He sighed with relief when none were in the masses. Heisenberg had found her boots and coat discarded in the snow, her compass not far after. He deposited them in a safe location before searching the rest of the village.

The sound of bells echoed through the cold morning. He sneered, watching as the villagers began to flock towards the church. Mother Miranda, no doubt, was there to welcome them with promises of safety.

A few of the villagers stopped, falling to their knees before Heisenberg. Their voices were low and desperate mumbling for a mix or forgiveness and pity.

He reeled back a bit, before hurrying around them. He didn’t have time to waste coddling.

What he was looking for obviously wasn’t here anymore. He set his sights for the stronghold.

He walked the paths, over countless paw prints and bloody drag marks under his boots. The Lycans always retreated to the stronghold after hunts, to eat the dead they stole and to rest.

Heisenberg saw a few on the way, scrabbling around the rocks and tying up body’s for safekeeping.

The smell of gore was stronger as he entered the already opened doors, he could hear the creatures shuffling around within. If the villagers weren’t so fearful, they might have half a mind to torch this place.

He didn’t use caution as he strode through, the sound of his boots echoing off the ancient walls.

In a shadowy corner there was movement, something much bigger than a Lycan, and too bestial to be Urias.

He came forward, eyes adjusting to the darkness. His breath caught with relief: she was here and she was alive…

Juniper was still in her mutated form, laying bunched up along the old stone. Other Lycans and varcolacs were piled around, resting after the hunt.

Heisenberg stepped closer, seeing blood leak from a wound on her arm.

She raised her beastial head, a low growl coming from her chest.

“Hey now bitch, it’s me,” he lowered his voice, showing her his hands, “It’s Karl.”

She pulled her wounded leg closer, head dipping down. Her bloodied lips curled up as her wet nose twitched.

Sniffing at his offered hands, her hackles lowered.

Juniper leaned down and licked her wound gingerly.

Heisenberg knelt down by her, trying to look the leg over. It looked to be a bullet wound. Juniper’s tongue lathed it over, blood oozing out of the hole as soon as she licked it away.

“Got caught?” He frowned.

He could sense the metal still lodged in the flesh.

He reached out and gently touched her muzzle. Her multiple green eyes flicked up to him as she closed her unnaturally elongated jaws.

He scratched the bridge of her nose, easing as he watched her close her eyes.

There was a pleased rumble from her throat as she nuzzled into the contact.

“What I have to do is going to piss you off.” He admitted, worry etching into his features.

“Hies….en…” her voice croaked out, distorted and garbled in her mutated jaws.

He smiled weakly, “Yea, Doll. It’s me.”

“H….urt.” Her eyes of liquid green looked into his.

He squared his jaw, feeling a thorn in his chest.

“It’s going to get worse before it gets better.” He focused on the metal. Being as careful as possible, he began to dislodge the bullet with his powers.

Her form tensed, muscles bunched under the skin. She made a sound of warning, baring her teeth.

He didn’t waver, his eyebrows bunching with concentration. Suddenly, with a wet sucking sound, the bullet came free.

Heisenberg released it, the metal tinkling against the stone of the floor.

Juniper’s pointed ears came forward at the foreign sound. She sniffed the bullet with interest.

“Now what will we do with you?” He sighed, “Did you eat anyone?”

Juniper stood, shaking like a dog before padding closer to him. Her large head nudged him, causing Heisenberg to fall back on his butt.

She snuffled his shirt, pressing him down onto the stone.

He chuckled, trying to push her massive head away as her tongue came out.

She lapped at his face, her breath smelling of blood.

Heisenberg pushed her head to the side, “Damn, who's the nasty one now, bitch?”

She warbled pacing back into her spot, sitting down. Frowning, Heisenberg scratched his chin.

How to get her home?

He made a makeshift collar out of a piece of sheet metal folded in on itself, hooking a chain through it like a leash. Seeing her collared and chained sent a pang though him.

He frowned, his aggressive handling involving her throat still a stinging thorn in his mind.

He was surprised however how easily she followed the lead.

How much of her mind is left in this form?

He thought. Now that she was tired out and fully fed she was better behaved then the Lycans, padding after him as he led her out of the stronghold. The Lycans outside tilted their heads curiously as they passed.

Juniper’s back tendrils lazily flowed around her, like sea grass in the ocean current. They would sometimes bat into Heisenberg or disturb the snow covered branches overhead.

The trip back took much longer than expected. Heisenberg was forced to avoid the outskirts of the village entirely, making the way back longer anyways. Not to mention, in this form everything smelled new and interesting to Juniper’s sensitive nose. Heisenberg would get stopped every few feet by her shoving her face into a log or trying to scratch around in the dirt. It was akin to walking a large dog, he mused.

With the factory grounds in sight, his patience waned in wake of her most recent pit stop.

“Buttercup, you are really pissing me off.” He hissed, yanking on the chain. She whined, looking at him dejectedly as she padded up beside him.

Her head shot up, sniffing at the air. Her ears perked up as she looked towards the factory excitedly.

Heisenberg chuckled, “Yea, we’re going home.”

Before he could brace himself she went tearing off towards the factory, almost ripping the chain from his hands. He was forced to take a full run to keep up with her.

When they got to the fence he let go as she scrabbled over the top.

Falling off onto the other side with a thud, she looked at him expectantly.

The gate rattled open, as he walked through. He paused to ponder what to do with her now. He had hoped she would have changed back during the journey over, but her mutated form was locked in like a tick. She was also filthy, caked in a layer of blood and grime.

He led her to the back of the factory, practically having to push her onto the larger elevator. This was saved for when he had to transport larger scrap into the underbelly. But she should fit fine.

He took her to base level four.

Once there he hooked the chain to the wall, positioning her over some grates. She tugged at the bonds until she heard the sound of a faucet turning.

He came back brandishing an old rubber hose.

“Let’s get you cleaned up.” He said as he pointed the nozzle at her.

Heisenberg hosed her off, blood and mud washing away. The dirty water trickled away through the metal grates she stood over.

After he shut the water off, Juniper stood dripping and shivering. Her mane of dark curls, heavy and waterlogged, she resembled a drowned sheepdog.

“K-Ka….rl?” Her monstrous voice eked out. She pulled her twisted legs closer to herself as she shivered.

He frowned, “Yea, Yea…I know the water was cold.”

She gave a small whine like a dog, looking down.

“You should dry off soon, it’s warm here.” He soothed.  He made sure the ventilation system kicked on, forcing dry air though the lower sections of the factory.

He heard a hollow clinking sound, spinning around to find Juniper’s jaws biting at the large pipes. She pulled at them, shaking her monstrous head a bit.

“Hey!” Heisenberg shouted, “Don’t eat my shit!”

One of her many eyes flicked over to him as she continued.

He stomped closer, hearing a growl from deep in her chest.

“Hey!”

She paused for a moment, peering at him before starting to tug at the pipe again. He pulled on the chain, causing her to stumble back a bit with a whimper.

“Juniper, stop it!” He scolded her like a dog. She huffed.

He noticed the tendrils on her back began to recede, pulling into the bubbled flesh. Her scar also looks less angry.

Seeing her safe and starting to calm gave him time to think. Questions pooled around his head:

Miranda had to know Juniper could turn…but why was she testing the limits of it? Did she want to use her as a weapon or was it just more of her sick curiosity?

He didn’t know, but it made him feel sick. He hated seeing Juniper like this, twisted and bloodthirsty.

Seeing her start to get even a shadow of control over this form brought him some relief. If she could control it fully she’d be much less of a danger to herself.

Was it hunger related? Or just moon patterns, maybe?

The bloodmoon had definitely affected her much more deeply than any moon faze had prior. He scratched his beard, deep in thought.