#‘and he wrecked my dad’s skidoo. FUCK that guy.’

[rentumblsstuff]

Just a little jagerposting

[exalt1ora]

i don’t think we talk about “and he wrecked my dad’s skidoo. FUCK THAT GUY.” enough

[matney85-blog]

Real life stories

I’m writing a collection of short stories of my life these are 100 percent true. I’m rusty with writing stories and these are pretty much unedited. Enjoy [A trip....to Ross County Jail ] So I wake up to someone kicking me in the bottom of the foot. I peel my drunken eyes open enough to look around and recognize the concrete bench and cinder block walls. I look over my shoulder to see a correctional officer telling me to stand up I’ve been released..... Let’s go back a few days to see how I got in this situation. I had drug in a car and fixed it up, and sold it. I had a whole bunch of cash burning a hole in my pocket. I had been hanging out with this girl for a few weeks as friends on and off. We will call her Mary, well me and Mary had plans of attending the Easy Rider biker rodeo in Chillicothe Ohio. The plan we had was to meet up Saturday morning after she worked her all night shift at a local gas station and go up together. So it’s Friday evening and I’m chilling out at my moms having some beers anticipating the big weekend of partying. I eventually get half drunk and think I should head to town for a few. I take the car that I shared with my kinda girlfriend live in situation at the time and head to town. I go to a few of my same ol routine bar stops with not much action going on. I end up at the Wild Dog Saloon but for the life of me don’t actually know what it was called at the time. I walk in pretty well ripped outta my mind. After a few shots and few more beers I lock eyes with a beautiful blonde in a short skirt. This is where Mary lost all chances of heading to the Rodeo with me. My whole agenda had changed, I go over offer to buy the girl a drink and she accepts. I go right in for the kill trying to get in this girls pants, so what seemed like 3 minutes after I met her my hand was up her skirt as far as her hand was down my pants. Just two random drunks in the heat of the moment elbow deep down each other’s pants standing at a crowded bar. So next thing I know it’s last call you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here. Obviously I don’t wanna miss the chance to get some more action outta this girl. I go to exchange numbers and she invites me back to her place. I get in the truck with a few of her girlfriends and back to her house for more drinking and third rate romance. I call the live in girl tell her the car is in the parking garage cuz she needs it for work in the morning. I make up some lie about where I’m spending the night and the fun begins to unfold with drunk Barbie. What I remember of a blacked out night of drunken sex was great, freak is a understatement for this chick. I woke up to her shaking me saying “hey you have to leave my kids dads gonna be here in like ten minutes” She more or less gently pushing me out the door at this point. I still don’t know where I am, who she is, or how I got there. I knock back on the door after she shuts it and ask her “where’s my car”? She tells me the whole scoop. I realize I’m fucked once again but not in a good way. Good morning sunshine it’s 6 am! I’m now in the West End at apartments I didn’t know exist, my car is no where to be found and it’s pouring the rain. The young lady did me a solid and gave me 3 Budweiser cans I tucked in my hoody and took off walking. I’m just trucking along thinking that was a great time I’m the fucking man! I call my brother to ask him for a ride and he said he was busy but I could borrow his car. Wrong wrong wrong idea!! He meets up with me gives me his car says I reek of booze and for me to promise him I won’t wreck the car and I’ll have it back to him by noon. I go to a few little bars I know of that’s open early and drink with a few old timers I know. My Razor phone rings it’s my good buddy Dickie he’s drunker than me and expecting my arrival at the rodeo. I said I’ll be right there let me run home and get a gallon of shine and a cooler. I head over to moms grab the home brew and hit the road. I stop in New Boston grab a styrofoam cooler and case of beer I’m pretty well totally wrecked. I hit the shine a few times and take off driving again. I get about 10 miles before I need to puke but I get it all out and I’m ready to start the day. Keep in mind now I’ve got 37 missed/avoided calls from Mary and about 100 text messages. I fucking forgot my friend she had slipped my mind but she’ll understand. I drive all the way 2 1/2 hours in my brothers car that I’m supposed to be returning at the same time I’m pulling in the event. I stick the keys to the car in the gas cap for safety in case something odd happens. I pack the cooler in and the party begins. Now I don’t know if you have ever heard of this party but it’s wild I don’t have enough time to tell you all the crazy shit going on here. I walk around looking at hot naked girls, 70 year old women’s tits hanging out, motorcycle burnouts just a general good time for a hell raiser like myself. I continue to call Dickie and all my dads friends trying to locate them but no one there is coherent either. At this event there is thousands of campers and RVs they all look the same. My arms are getting tired from packing the case of beer in the cooler. I’m also just getting more and more hammered I’d walk around looking for them stop and drink with some crazy people and keep going. Finally I find the party, I’m there a short amount of time before I get in a argument with one of my dads long time friends. I wonder off aimlessly into the mass crowd. I wonder around with my moonshine just getting righteous. The next thing I know I’m sitting Indian style handcuffed to some chick to this day had the nicest huge tits I’ve ever seen. The police say if I can find someone to take responsibility for me they will let me go. They rode her and I around as she with one hand showed every passer by her jugs. It wasn’t a bad time at all, but we couldn’t find anyone we knew. Then again we couldn’t hardly talk from the drunken stooper we were in. We go back to this little make shift police station in the fair grounds and the cop says to me “I’ve seen 100 thousand people in 2 days here, I’ve seen naked women, people having sex, guys snorting Coke off girls asses, and 8 people went to jail congratulations son” In the van riding to the jail the chick stands up to show her hidden glory for just one more time to the other jail birds. When she stands up the jailers think we are trying to escape and slams on the brakes and rips off the highway to the break down lane. Well naturally she’s top heavy and still handcuffed to my skinny ass rips me off the bench on top of her laying on the floor. We get ourselves together I help cram those things back in her shirt for the 20th time today because the whole time we’ve known each other we only had one free hand from being cuffed together. I’m waiting my turn to be booked and I see about 5 CO’s jump on some other drunk guy and taze him and beat his ass. I end up in a small drunk tank, that smells like old bums piss and booze. It’s packed to like Texas road house on a Friday night. After awhile of drunken shit talking a fight breaks out because a guy said he was the baddest MF’er in here. I just sit on the bench minding my own business. The fight goes on a good 10-15 minutes, after everyone had enough one guy stands up and said see I told you guys I am the baddest man in here. I stood up and knocked out 3 of the teeth on the right side of his mouth and said I beg to differ. We fight for what seems to be a eternity but eventually enough is enough. Well here we are back to the CO kicking my foot. I stand up, my button up shirt has all the buttons ripped off and I’m covered in miscellaneous dried blood. The guy tells me he had money on me and he owes me big that I had won the fight, he tells me them little guys are the ones to worry about. As we are collecting my shoe laces, belt and stuff I’m being discharged. I ask where’s all my money and phone is they tell me they will send me a check and I didn’t have a phone. NO NO NO you’ll give me my damn cash I yelled at them, they say if I don’t leave now I can stay 30 days I said “fuck the money” I get outside notice when I was arrested I didn’t have my phone that’s weird I never loose it. Oh well I ask directions back to the fair grounds and off I walk. I’m so parched and hungover it’s unbelievable and I have to walk 12 miles in the 100 degree weather in pants and what’s left of a jail brawl nice button up shirt. I didn’t have one cent to my name and was dying of thirst. I get back to the car get the key out of the gas cap and off I drive. After driving a short while my brothers pride and joy mustang starts running low on gas. I go in a little gas station and beg them for a few bucks in gas but sounding like every other crack heads story they don’t believe me. I go back to the car take the radio out and sell it for $16 bucks to about the 20th passer by I could flag down going in the store. Finally I can buy something to drink and some gas. Naturally I buy a 99 cent 22 oz Budweiser and the rest in gas. I know until now Bub you thought someone broke in your car and stole the radio because that’s the story I stuck with. Just be thankful I didn’t cut the wires. I get back to Proctorville at moms house and give my irate pissed off brother his car back. I tell my mom I went to jail and she says I already know some guy called here last night saying you needed a ride from Chillicothe. I walk up to the local drinkin spot where I have to tell the same story about 10 times over and over to all my dads friends who was at the same rodeo. I get a few more beers in me and head out on the Ohio River boating with good ol Dickie. I see some of the girls I went to high school with and their parents boating. I really try to impress them with the jail story but in a pure look of disgust they putter off in their little skidoo boat. Mary hates me and never wants to talk to me again at this point, I’ve lost my phone so I don’t have that freaky blondes number now either. So a few days goes by my mom gets a call from a guy in Arizona he said he was at the rodeo and had found a cell phone stuck in the bug shield of his semi. He said he would mail it back but he thinks the guy that owns it is in jail. He said I pulled out a wad of cash asking for a ride and someone tried to take it and I started fighting them and was arrested. I’m glad someone knows the truth and where my money actually went because I received a check for $12.31 cents that I still have at moms. So that means 4,000 some odd dollars went somewhere. The mail comes and eventually I got the phone back, I’m somewhat sober and early when I said Mary would surely understand the mistake. The 100 or so text messages I read on my phone says other wise and we obviously have a falling out. Now for the freaky blonde she will be in more stories, me and Mary are friends again. My brother still won’t let me borrow a car that was one hell of a weekend!