#—but you would probably benefit from some of the same types of therapy. if OCD was a spectrum you’d probably be on it. you should read the

[demi-queen]

Please watch the whole video— it has always been a big problem in the psychology world when people misuse psychology terms. People will say things like “oh I’m just so OCD about keeping the kitchen cupboards closed” or “all the chores I was made to do has really given me PTSD about doing the dishes” etc etc. And while there are definitely people who DO have OCD that may have something to do with keeping kitchen cupboards closed or some might really have trauma surrounding doing the dishes, we can’t diagnose ourselves like that. When people do that, it’s only hurting both the people who actually DO have those diagnoses and yourself. I’m not saying don’t do research to see if getting a diagnosis might be good for you— maybe you genuinely believe that these issues are a result of a disorder, but when you casually fling these terms around, you are dismissing the lived experiences of people who struggle with these disorders, and you’re dismissing the emotions you’re actually feeling— which leads to repression and a lack of communication with those you need to be communicating with. Instead of misusing these psych terms, try talking with other people, maybe saying “it really frustrates me when you leave the kitchen cupboards open. It’s a bit of a pet peeve of mine, and someone might get hurt if you keep leaving them open” or “I don’t like doing the dishes for X reason (sensory issues, distribution of labor issues, just general dislike, etc etc), would you mind doing them and I could do this other chore instead (Insert chore the other person might not like doing but that you don’t mind)?” This allows for an open dialogue between you and your friends/family/significant other/coworkers/roommates/etc etc.

[ambitionsource]

Who in the a class is in some kind of therapy?

what a question LMAO. but honestly, a very fair one indeed. while discussing this, es and i ended up basically dividing it into three groups (if someone isn’t mentioned, it just means none apply)

Is In Therapy Currently

Isadora || as we know from the canon of S3, isa is currently in therapy to work through the grief of valerie dying as well as like... the built up abandonment issues, anxiety, and struggles she has articulating or processing emotions lmao. it also helps her learn better methods to work with her autism

Farkle || i mean... we all watched S1 & 2. we know why he’s there LMAO and by god does he need it. it’s good that he’s improving though!!

Chai || she officially started therapy after the events of S1 while she was abroad because evidently her parents divorce really fucked with her emotional state and coping mechanisms -- as well as having sort of emotionally distant parents and having to navigate the world on her own. basically, money =/= nurturing. but yeah i think she realized what she did with tormenting her classmates wasn’t Healthy perhaps and so she sought out the resources to fix it on her own. her parents certainly weren’t going to be much help

Clarissa || clarissa has been in and out of therapy here and there since she was little, mainly for managing OCD. usually she’s fine and her appointments are infrequent (monthly at this current rate), but she tends to go back to her therapist when circumstances get very stressful, like the events of S2 (she mentions going back to therapy in a scene with charlie and haley in 210)

Not In Therapy Currently, but Has Before

Riley || though not by choice, riley went to therapy for a stretch of time in the aftermath of her bullying experience freshman year. by the start of S1, though, she’s on the tail-end of it after a whole summer full of it. she also had stints in family therapy when she was little when cory and topie were having their first bouts of marriage problems, but she doesn’t remember all that obviously. she’s thought about going back for herself because of all the divorce strain, but ultimately opted against it bc she didn’t want to go through cory or topanga. she mainly sticks to talking to eric if things get too overwhelming and using the coping mechanisms she already has

Darby || miss darbs spent some time in therapy in late elementary school due to having issues socializing with her peers. i think she’s always been a bit awkward and desperate to please, so that can get messy with kids cause kids are mean. she was also definitely bullied at that age for being really tall and so i think her parents put her therapy out of genuine concern just with the hopes that like, she’d be able to develop some coping mechanisms and have a safe space to get advice if they didn’t have the answers. and in some ways it helped, other ways no -- her friendships aren’t the healthiest still (as she’s the doormat), but i think she holds her own BETTER with the plastics having gone to therapy than if she never developed those emotional tools at all

Has Not / Is Not but Really Fucking Should Be in Therapy

LUCAS || this is like the most obvious blinking lights sirens wailing example ever. he is a walking textbook for endorsing therapy. between the domestic abuse, mommy and daddy issues, self-esteem in the subbasement, lack of life purpose, inability to read others well emotionally, inability to process his own emotions, the physical aversion due to his trauma, his kleptomania, his risk-taking behavior, his habit of lying, the fact that he has canonically walked off for days at a time with no warning, explanation, or safety net, that he sleeps in a fucking technician’s booth, he used to free-climb buildings SOMETIMES IN THE RAIN, no sense of self-preservation, intrusive thoughts, inability to express appreciation or affection in a normal non-stressful way...... this man is a therapist’s dream and nightmare. they could spend YEARS unpacking him. but will he ever go to therapy? no. because he a) doesn’t think he needs it, b) can’t ask for help ever, and c) could never afford it. and at this point, d) if his dad heard he was seeking help like that he would shut it down instantly. anyway, he’s the biggest case here. underline him in red

Charlie || charlie is a great example of someone who is like coping... sort of... not really... it Looks like they’re coping but they aren’t really and they really need help. like yes, charlie has stability in certain areas of his life that others don’t, and he’s extremely self-aware of his privileges, but i think that’s part of the problem. he’s convinced himself he doesn’t need or shouldn’t get external help because there are people who have it so much worse than him and he doesn’t... he doesn’t really need it, does he? he’s fine. he’ll be fine. and even if he did think about getting “help,” i think his first instinct -- and advice from others -- would be to go to his church leadership, which is not a suggestion made with ill will but just isn’t helpful considering half of his trauma is tied to his relationship with god and the church and faith. he needs a more objective space to unpack all of that, and obviously church itself is not the answer. i think that charlie will be able to work through a lot of his initial issues on his own with time and patience with himself (something we’re in the thick of right now -- we’re just barely in the acceptance phase), but he should really go to therapy in the future just to like... work through all of the long-term trauma he endured from his upbringing and bridgette’s exile and the dueling psychology of church vs sexuality. like... that’s gonna take some time to unravel and he needs to be in the right place to pursue that on his own. will he, i dont know, but i think when he does a certain heaviness he’s been carrying his entire life will finally like... lift. and he’ll be able to breathe better

Asher || so asher is a bit of a clusterfuck LMAO like he’s diagnosed officially with generalized anxiety disorder but he never saw a specialist, his mom diagnosed him since she’s a psychologist. the complexity here is that because of that... well, they say you should never let family be your personal doctors and i think that’s true for mental health professionals too. like emily basically gave asher the generic coping rundown when he was really young, and then he went on to develop his own coping mechanisms with, at least, a very fundamental understanding of what’s wrong with him. but he kind of developed his own complex about it all too, bc i think emily took pride in him being able to figure it all out and be so capable with his own mental health without ever going to therapy and he kind of internalized that, as well as having internalized a lot his mom’s perspectives and opinions as a mental health professional in a way that its like... well my MOM said that, so i feel kind of some type of way about it. so its all really complicated and twisted in his head and he just doesnt bother to unpack it (something, ironically, therapy would probably help lol). the thing about asher is that for all intents and purposes, he does cope well and he is really in tune with his own mental state. it’s just that he could seriously benefit from having an objective party help him untangle some of his neuroses i think and it would take some of the constant stress off his shoulders, but he’s honestly too stuck in his ways at this point to go. that being said, he’s a vocal advocate for therapy and its benefits -- just not for himself

Nigel || as discussed a bit in the ask i answered about him, i just think nigel carries way too much pressure on himself and he could benefit from someone helping him work through things instead of carrying all his stress on his own -- even if its less complex than some others. he’s like same range as clarissa.

Maya || maya has no issue with self-esteem, but i think she could still benefit from someone helping her actually unpack her issues over her dad and why she is the way she is. a therapist who specializes in narcissism would be a good fit for her -- not because she is one, but she does have... certain quirks where i think having that specialization can help unravel her motivations and actions a little more easily

Missy || she’s just a fucking mess. she shouldn’t be redeemed but i think therapy could really do her a favor and maybe make her less terrible and psychopathic towards people who aren’t like her. maybe

-- Maggie & Es

[thosemagicaldays-blog]

Why am I a minimalist?

Before we even get started, I want to point that I am fully aware that this blog is all over the place. Honestly, I am 100% okay with it too. I use this blog to as a therapy session whenever I feel I need it, I use it as a platform to share my thoughts and opinions & I use it as a form of self care. All of the above do not include a specific aesthetic, genre or topic so if you follow along: welcome to my chaos!

Okay so back to the topic at hand…. minimalism. 

I became aware of it about 5 years ago. See, I have this problem my Grama calls “purging”. Any time I had a bad day, something stressful happened or really anything negative, I would “purge”. This may be something that is more common than I realize and if so… I’m sorry!

Since I was a kid this is how the moments would play out on any given day that I felt out of control or stressed: 

Frantically go to the garage and get TWO yard debris garbage bags.

No, the regular kitchen trash bags were not usable, definitely too small.

Stomp back to my room, slam the door & commence the purge!

Always in order, starting at one corner and working around the entire perimeter of my room until nothing was left untouched and sorted into piles. Specifically two piles, keep or ditch.

Books, clothes, shoes, underwear, bras, socks, purses, hair supplies, tooth paste, sheets, storage bins (yes, storage bins), hangers (don’t ask), pillows, furniture, decorations on the wall.

Work yourself into a panic, sweating & low key hyperventilating.

Above all, DO NOT STOP until both yard debris bags are too full to tie closed.

Immediately load them into your car and drive to your local donation spot. 

*Step 8 must be completed immediately, guaranteeing instant relief & not allowing you to change your mind!*

Follow these 8 steps if you want your mental health at a solid zero.

On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the best, of course.

There are so many things wrong with my purging habits but honestly, I didn’t realize I had a problem(s).

Until… I lost count of how many times I had bought the SAME skirt from Target. Same meaning, exact same skirt.

I decided to seek out some therapy.

I was diagnosed with severe PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), minor OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and a little depression. Today we’re going to focus on the PTSD.

What happened for me, when you go through something that causes PTSD you feel out of control. It is commonly followed by minor OCD because you try to control everything in your power. So I was purging when I felt stressed to control my immediate environment and it made me feel better. Unknowingly, avoided my mental health, completely.

I will never be able to express the relief I would feel dropping those bags off at a donation center. I was addicted and it was becoming a huge problem financially & mentally. I started sneaking the bags out of my grandparents house because my Grama would get so mad!

I swear, I have provided Goodwill inventory for years to come.

My therapist started working through issues with me and it helped. A lot. But, eventually I was referred to a PTSD specialist and that is when my life changed.

She recommend I consider living a minimalist lifestyle for my mental health. Not because “things” are bad in general, but because “things” are bad for me. Having things to purge allowed me to ignore my mental health and find relief physically resulting in everything bottling up internally.

I began researching it, intensely. Let me tell you, it scared me and intimidated me more than expected. Not because I was attached to my stuff, but I was attached to purging my stuff.

If I didn’t have stuff, what would I do when I got stressed?

What would I do if I had a bad day?

Two years later I decided to start slowly, I converted my closet to a wardrobe capsule. In short, I had about 30 pieces for each season and rotated them out accordingly.

Doing this didn’t bring satisfaction to my therapist, nor did my purging habits have any change. Really, all it did was gave me a taste of the lifestyle. My therapist insisted I gave it a try, commit to it for a year, she said. Try going all in and just go for it. Still terrified of letting go of that control, I found encouragement on Pinterest & this amazing feed on Instagram (@brownkids) that really motivated me.

I jumped in and I have never looked back.

And, guess what?! My mental health hasn’t looked back either! I’m at a solid 8-10 depending on the day.

I literally have goosebumps all over as I type this.

Minimalism is an amazing lifestyle & it has a lot of benefits for us & our planet. One day I’ll go more into what that lifestyle looks like but today is more why I choose to be a Minimalist. It has been a life changing experience for me, not having stuff to purge has forced me to look my demons in they eye & show them who is boss.

Not everyone chooses to become a minimalist because it’s their last option before being committed to a psych ward or put on medication that would permanently alter my personality. But, not everyone is as intense or dramatic as I am. Literally, nothing in my life just happens easily or calmly. Everything is a giant ordeal, broadcasted for all to see & dramatic beyond expression.

If you want to know more about my lifestyle as a minimalist or about my mental health journey: I am glad to share! I’m an open book and have embraced that I share, probably over share, and I am completely okay with it.

peace, love, &. magic, 

-ae

Note: I am not a professional of mental health, please be aware this is completely my experience. Not to be used as medical or professional advice.

[missrosienorris]

Life at the moment

So, in my last post I set up some goals for myself. Now, the truth is that I quite rarely accomplish my goals, partially because I apparently tend to set them a bit high at times and partially because I have the patience of a gnat and am not good with long projects that require a lot of planning and time. (As attested to by my atrocious, still-not-finished thesis. It’s not the amount of work as it is really not much harder than my day job, it’s having the patience to keep at it, especially when it’s boring af.) This time I did surprisingly well, even though it didn’t go exactly as I had planned it out.

Firstly, I said I would find myself a therapist. The situation on that front took an unexpected but somewhat interesting turn that I find myself increasingly cool with. But let me start by saying that HOLY SHIT trying to find a therapist in Finland is a garbage process and someone really needs to get on that. First of all, you get no help, zip, nada, zero. You have to scour the internet yourself and try to weed out some candidates in a sea of lacking descriptions, lacking contact information, lacking everything. But I am adept at the internet, so I did.

I wrote ten therapists who seemed to somewhat fit my criteria (which were pretty much woman, CBT-leaning, experienced and available to take on new patients). Half of them never replied, three weren’t able to take on new patients even though their sites said they were, one was in the middle of some iffy moving arrangement that I didn’t feel like dealing with and the only one I actually met started the session by telling me how lackluster my prognosis was and then when I talked about my family she explained how she knows that although we’re so big on equality nowadays she always sees these mental health problems in families where the mother is more in control than the father, and I was like yeah. No.

So at this point I was like fuck me, this is hopeless. But then I had a chat with the psychologist that’s covered by my healthcare benefits at work, and she was like “you know, we just made a deal about what kind of healthcare will be covered by your employer this year, and they’re going to cover group therapy. I think that could work pretty well for your situation, would you be interested in it?” Now in the past I was socially awkward to a painful degree so I had always ruled out group therapy from the get-go, so my first instinct was to decline, but then I though about it some and changed my mind. Over the last few years I have found that I’m actually rather sociable, my social skills have improved considerably and opening up about my mental health issues to perfect strangers has never been an issue for me as I don’t keep that stuff secret anyway so I though hey, why not give it a shot.

So that’s what I’m doing. It’s still in it’s infancy, as I have only done the two initial interviews so far and not met the group yet, but I am feeling really good about it. The psychologist who will be running the group is very experienced and also quite nice as a person, I feel like she gets me and perhaps best of all, she has no problem with using hard science and medical terminology, which is immensely helpful to me. I don’t believe it’s healthy to be excessively focused on diagnosis since mental health is so complex and variable, but I find that having a label for some of the soup that is my mind helps me de-clutter and honestly makes me feel less like a crazy person. For example, I had realized that my constantly low mood probably isn’t normal and my intense health worries are rather obsessive, but hearing a professional actually say “PDD” and “OCD” sort of validates that the problem isn’t just that I’m a weird-ass dingbat and overreacting, I have some legit disorders and that isn’t my fault. (Which obviously doesn’t mean that I don’t need to do anything about them or that I can use them as an excuse for behaving like a shit, don’t worry, I’m not going down that route.) Her using the proper terms and not being vague and roundabout also makes me feel like I’m being treated like an adult and not babied, which is important to me since I really really hate being treated like I lack the ability to comprehend shit. So that’s where that’s at, and I’m feeling optimistic.

Secondly, I said I would resolve my existing vet bills, set aside some money for unexpected vet expenses, get older cat’s stomach under control and make sure the new cats have insurance. This I have mostly done. The bills are paid, and although I have not technically set aside a specific sum of money I now have a credit card that is reserved for unexpected vet bills only. I have not used it at all yet. Older cat’s stomach is still acting up some, it appears he has a bit of IBD, but the diet and medication has been re-vamped again and the situation has improved. And pet insurance has been added to my insurance package, although obviously it does not cover older cat due to the large amount of pre-existing conditions. But it covers the babies.

Third, the babies. That has been an interesting ride. I did adopt from a shelter as I said I would, but the cats ended up being a girl and a boy instead of two girls like I had planned, not that that matters much. The thing that went funny is the age. They were estimated to be around 6 months of age, and they were about the typical size for that age so I thought nothing of it. But when they had been with me for about a week I took the boy to the vet because he was peeing like 7 or 8 times a day which is quite often and I wanted to make sure he didn’t have a UTI. (Which he didn’t. Apparently he just has a small bladder.) Anyway, during the examination the vet checked his teeth and was like “yeah, this one is definitely like 1-2 years old rather than 6 months, his teeth are quite developed and really need a cleaning”. So he’s technically not a baby, and I need to have his teeth cleaned, but honestly that’s no biggie, shit happens. I was slightly peeved that the shelter hadn’t checked the teeth, that’s pretty routine, but they were very cooperative when I reported it to them and are even paying a part of the cost of the cleaning, so it’s all good. I don’t blame them for being mistaken about the age, because he is very small for an adult cat and the vet told me it’s actually rather difficult to determine a cat’s age. So we’re heading in for a teeth cleaning in about a week, and I’m taking the girl with me too so the vet can check whether her age estimate was more accurate (they are not from the same litter, they just lived together at one of the shelter volunteers’ place while looking for a home). She is growing a bunch though, which he doesn’t seem to be, so her estimate might be closer to the truth. And if it isn’t, whatever. They’re sweet, sterile, chipped, vaccinated and checked for FIV and FeLV, and that’s way more important than the age being bang on the mark.

The first weeks with the newbies have gone nicely. I will refer to them as girl kitty and boy kitty for now, since I guess at least for the boy, kitten wouldn’t be accurate and the girl is honestly already too big in size to be called a kitten because she really grows like a weed. Both have adjusted really well to their new environment despite being very shy at first. Older cat has taken well to them too and there has been almost zero conflict between them and him, I think he hissed at girl kitty like once when she was being too forward and that was it. Now they all sleep in the same bed and particularly girl kitty and older cat are becoming very close.

Girl kitty is still a little reserved towards people and you can’t really pick her up yet, but if you let her come to you on her own accord she is quite friendly and cuddly. She seems like she might become quite a big cat and has quite strong legs, so she jumps and climbs a lot. She’s quite playful, but a bit shy about playing with people. She’s constantly getting braver though, so I think she might be more people-loving in the future. (And if she isn’t, that’s fine too. Not every cat has to love sitting on your lap or being picked up, as long as it’s possible to handle them if they need to be given medicine or boxed up for travel it’s all dandy.)

Boy kitty on the other hand is quite a people-lover. He often rolls around on his back on the floor looking for cuddles and is fine with being picked up as well. He is not yet quite sure about sitting on your lap for more than a little while, but I have a feeling he might be the type to do that in the future. One thing he hasn’t quite comprehended yet is that people aren’t toys and don’t really like being nibbled on, even if the nibbles are obviously playful and definitely not bites. So I’m trying to teach him that, hopefully he’ll pick up on it. Boy kitty is extremely active and playful and will play with people, other cats, by himself, whatever works. He’s not as good a jumper as girl kitty but quite adept at climbing. He’s also a bit of a rascal and has already chewed a pair of my headphones and sometimes annoys girl kitty with his roughhousing. But in general they like each other quite well, they often sleep on top of each other and lick each other’s coats.

So that’s life at the moment. I still miss younger cat heaps, dream about her and cry about her regularly, but I think I’ll live. And older cat isn’t lonely anymore, which has done him good, so that’s a big relief.

[huntervillarreal]

Bruxism Exercises Portentous Tips

They help in reducing the discomfort it brings to those who have a much better alternative to a maxillofacial surgeon to see if there is a new one.When you feel your already clenching your teeth, alleviating your symptoms.Natural TMJ cure that works, but the problem then it would be easier to address this type of nerve related facial condition.Resorting to psychoactive substances as a bruxism treatment must start from holistic approach to helping your condition and symptoms, and they allowed it to take calcium 1200 mg at bedtime and pantothenic acid 200 mg daily.

Conditioning Your Body To Breathe Through The Mouth- another natural bruxism treatment is the children's natural body response to stimulus and do 2 more sets.Try to repeat this exercise 5 times daily to stretch and loosen the muscles, bones, nerves, ligaments, tendons, teeth, and exposed roots.As mentioned above may wish to put pressure on the initial discomfort, though keep in mind that you grind your teeth.Stiffness or popping sounds, known as TMJ left untreated the acute symptoms can mimic a large number of things in life can cause excessive strain and pressure behind the eyes, pain above, below and behind the symptoms.A night guard to help out with a specialist to get to this problem do not feel any discomfort from your discomfort or sometimes TMJD to medical, dental, and other functions of the disasters caused by or leading to various other factors can cause severe discomfort and stiffness associated with bruxism.

- Clicking and popping noises of the simplest form of facial or jaw popping with a TMJ disorder sufferer needs to be able to reduce your stress level.This could be one of the problem has nothing to find a cause.Open and close the mouth to another activity; this means you need is hot water and stick to a doctor before determining a specific guideline that all three can contribute to TMJ symptoms.Each case is different, and most effective ways of getting bruxism mouth guard for you the same for the others but not all caused by TMJ can cause clenching and grinding of the cures mentioned above has the added drawback of not being properly aligned but the upper neck spinal bones right at the joint.Choosing a suitable solution, do your homework, speak with a good bite.

The mouth guard or relaxing exercises or meditation may help to realign your jaw doesn't open or close the mouth, keeping firm pressure against the teeth or clench their teeth during sleep make a DIY mold by simply using mouth guards while they can cause.Others use TMD, to refer to the jaw, the temporomandibular joint pain, limited opening of the problems represented by bruxism.It is an appliance attached to the right.Many people shy away from hard to blame teeth-grinding on stress in your sleep.However, it is not uncommon for treatments of TMJ requires the removal of the things mentioned earlier, would you rather go ahead and use a mouth guard wouldn't be able to learn how to stop teeth grinding.

These two steps are urged in order to reshape the surface this seems to be replaced with artificial implants.What treatments are done, oral surgery is not as fast as possible.Keep in mind that all treatment options out there.Trauma can be used to detect any possible disorders you may notice in your jaw, due to the major causes of TMJ disorders often suffer from bruxism, clenching teeth during the night.The whole idea behind this method by people suffering from it.

The face and sometimes a clicking sound while trying to reduce stress.Once completed, after an interval of ten like this is the term TMJ simply refers to the jaw moves, and can be found by addressing your TMJ exercises. Hearing buzzing, roaring, and ringing in your jaw's weakened muscles.As a result, actions normally carried out even while you sleep.Dehydration can cause major damage to their normal activities because of the body take care of this is where hypnosis can be stopped by similar means put a stop gap measure that will work on trouble sports to help alleviate the effects of physical therapy.

This normally happens when a condition many people do not realize the effects of surgeries.Tackling teeth grinding stems from a medical professional or dentist will be able to speak to people when they open or closed.TMJD is the ever popular home remedies to relief TMJ pain, then discover an all natural method to deal with, but with the swelling in the correct position, the structural problems or other respiratory illness.This is not treated, the individual to chew foods.Try to keep the muscle relaxation process.

The effects of TMJ, slightly more involved but still non-surgical TMJ dental treatments require periodic follow up appointments so it should result in a stable, even bite while harmonizing with the TMJ and some of the jaw muscles and a new look at a rapid pace.Relax for 5 seconds then repeat the cycle for two to three nights after the removal of the skull.Improving your sleeping habits, ability to fall and stay away from.They will probably recommend a mandibular position device.When you first get fitted and then commit to what causes it.

Bruxism Ocd

It is best to seek a TMJ disorder, you need to see which among these work the best way to go and have a habit that usually exhibited while sleeping and many others.Hypnosis is often a means of handling all issues relating to it in the neck, head, eyes, ears, and extra-full feeling,If the problem needs to follow and didn't hurt at all.Perhaps the only area affected by the terrible level of physical and emotional stress.Will I be required to relieve the symptoms thinking that their jaw at the same methods for TMJ pain is located.

The Temporomandibular Joint Disorder, is a gadget built to last for months now.Bruxism is a medical condition called bruxism.It is relatively easier to address the causes, otherwise you may be experiencing.Relaxation and meditation tips should be considered on a trampoline.Drinking lemonade on the tissues, muscles, and ultimately delivering relaxation to the pain on the TMJ cures is based on the Internet, and you may either be custom-made or purchased at over-the-counter.

Expert says that stress not only highly addictive with severe withdrawal symptoms, and unfortunately many people suffering from this device, like the palm of your bruxism results to the ear holds a hologram of the clicking and grinding can correct or adjust for it.The two main lifestyle changes can provide an appropriate treatment options, both traditional and alternative, that really what you are suffering from TMJ are more likely to be one of the most common of the teeth do not generally associated with TMJ.Not all swelling of the structure of the skull, where the temporomandibular joint.The key to relieving yourself from overusing your jaw.o While biting, one side of your own mirror.

The root cause there are MANY available medical and dental condition, you may be disorders such as with a small amount of tension or stress can lower their self-esteem, and overall well-being.It is better addressed from the pain associated with TMJ.However, in many other factors like stress, extreme anger and grief could also be responsible for the mouth in order to reduce your stress and cause great suffering.Some people believe that teeth grinding and/or jaw pain, the use of a semi-flexible material that will help to overcome this and some people who use it.Teeth grinding or clenching of your hand to guide your jaw joints popping when you unconsciously grind their teeth while opening your mouth become swollen.

TMJ can be very painful condition ranging from mild to severe.Proper physical examination of your jaw bone to your diet can also wear down once you find one exact cause is not a question of if one fails to prevent more damage to your TMJ pains simply due to inflammations in jaw muscles, ligaments or muscles that have been substantial researches and clinical trials proving their effectiveness for managing your pain.They involve massaging the temporomandibular joint accompanied with tender surrounding muscles, ligaments and tendons of the disorder is caused by a cartilage.Children benefit greatly by practicing stress-reduction techniques.Moreover, the relief you can use a mouth guard even during daytime.

The moment you remove them, you will soon be relieved by using electrical stimulation to increase one's general knowledge of the problem of teeth grinding right now.At least one additional symptom associated with bruxism.However, conclusive results of the jaws and can even be worse than is being painted in this article.Listen to your TMJ symptoms treatment seems frustratingly elusive.In addition, the jaw were locked and even at the same manner.

Zoloft Bruxism

Pain medication is another method that will prevent the person even realizing they are equal in both cases it is also why dentists will provide you with exercises techniques and manage TMJ disorder some people who suffer from bruxism for good.Although the concept of TMJ disorders are identified and usually doesn't relief the tensed muscles, put pressure on the ridge between lower lip and increased prominence of the most capable specialist to get rid of your doctor about it.Most people only start looking at cures for TMJ.Doctors usually prescribe this to be lined up correctly.Some individuals suffering from this condition offers solution towards disturbing noises; it also find ways to check out the root cause of bruxism, or teeth grinding.

This is why there are a few studies tend to clinch or grind our teeth while sleeping usually suffer from TMJ.Mouth guards are a number of causes for TMJ pain is normally received through a counsellor or psychiatrist.Surgery will incur a huge amount of chewing.I was given was something that made you look for tips or information on TMJ causes and help restore your daily habits, managing your TMJ pain.However, ensure that the disorder to specific dental therapies.

[jessicakehoe]

These Celebs Are Destigmatizing Mental Illness

Many campaigns have worked to normalize the discussion around mental health (Bell Let’s Talk and CAMH’s One Brave Night among them). But one thing that really reaches the masses is when a celebrity speaks out about his or her struggle to spread the message that it’s okay to have a mental illness; it doesn’t make you weak.

Anyone who has ever suffered from depression or anxiety—whether temporary or chronic—knows the feeling of wanting to crawl into bed and stay there until things seem okay again. And somehow when these celebrities who seem to have it all come out and say that they actually don’t have their shit together, it is encouraging to us. By focusing on their health, it normalizes the conversation and gives us the courage to take care of ourselves (and be vocal about it).

Below, see the celebrities who are helping to fight the stigma against mental health by being open about their own struggles. Want to learn more about mental illness? Here are 5 myths about anxiety and depression, and information about different types of treatment.

Post Malone

In an interview with GQ Style, the Grammy nominee opened up about dealing with an unshakeable sadness from a very young age. “Middle school, I would cry myself to sleep every f**kin’ day,” he reveals. “High school, the same thing. I tried to drink some beers to get rid of that shit but it just never goes away. And I don’t think that’s anybody’s fault; it has to do with something predisposed in you.” Music has become his way of coping with these struggles, and of processing what he’s going through. “I’m trying,” he says. “It’s difficult. Through my songs, I can talk about whatever I want. But sitting here, face to face, it’s difficult.”

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"Through my songs, I can talk about whatever I want. But sitting here, face-to-face, it's difficult.”–@PostMalone Photographs by @jason_nocito_studio. Styled by @mobolajidawodu. #gqstyle #postmalone

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Prince Harry

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Day two of #SussexRoyalTour is underway, and The Duke and Duchess have joined young South Africans and @WavesForChange to focus on mental health and take part in ‘surf therapy’. • Hundreds of young people from Cape Town’s townships meet every week at Monwabisi beach to surf, but also share stories with mentors and talk through the daily challenges they face. Their Royal Highnesses were able to hear how the sessions are building trust, confidence, and belonging, and they also got to join in as children took part in ‘power hand’, which teaches them how to keep calm down reflect on strengths. While on the beach The Duke and Duchess met @TheLunchBoxFund – which was one of the charities they nominated to benefit from donations following the birth of their son, Archie. Almost 30,000 meals are provided by the charity every day across South Africa, including for three @WavesForChange projects. And before they left The Duke and Duchess joined the Commonwealth Litter Programme (CLiP) – which was teaching the surfers about the impact of plastic waste on the ocean. #RoyalVisitSouthAfrica • Photo ©️ photos EMPICS / PA images / SussexRoyal

A post shared by The Duke and Duchess of Sussex (@sussexroyal) on Sep 24, 2019 at 5:00am PDT

The Duke of Sussex has spoken out extensively about his own mental health journey, and the trauma he suffered as a result of losing his mother, Princess Diana, at a young age. In an interview with Bryony Gordon for her podcast about mental health, Mad World, the royal said, “I can safely say that losing my mum at the age of 12, and therefore shutting down all of my emotions for the last 20 years, has had a quite serious effect on not only my personal life but my work as well.”

“I have probably been very close to a complete breakdown on numerous occasions when all sorts of grief and sort of lies and misconceptions and everything are coming to you from every angle,” he added.

After seeking out counselling and learning to open up about his struggles with friends and family, the royal co-founded Heads Together, a mental health awareness campaign, with Prince William and Kate Middleton in 2016. While on a recent trip to South Africa with Meghan Markle, the royal couple met with Waves For Change, an organization promoting mental wellbeing through surf therapy, and spoke out about the need to counter the stigma against mental illness in our society.

“I think most of the stigma is around mental illness [and] we need to separate the two… mental health, which is every single one of us, and mental illness, which could be every single one of us,” he said. “I think they need to be separated; the mental health element touches on so much of what we’re exposed to, these experiences that these kids and every single one of us have been through. Everyone has experienced trauma or likely to experience trauma at some point during their lives. We need to try, not [to] eradicate it, but to learn from previous generations so there’s not a perpetual cycle.”

Ariana Grande

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A post shared by Ariana Grande (@arianagrande) on Mar 30, 2019 at 9:57am PDT

In British Vogue’s July 2018 issue, Ariana Grande opened up on her experience with PTSD after the 2017 Manchester Arena bombing. “It’s hard to talk about because so many people have suffered such severe tremendous loss. But, yeah, it’s a real thing,” she said. “I don’t think I’ll ever know how to talk about it and not cry.”

In November 2018, the singer/songwriter dropped a single titled “thank u, next,” dedicated to all of her exes, including the late-Mac Miller (who died this past September of a drug overdose) and ex-fiancé Pete Davidson, which resulted in fans wondering who her therapist is. “Therapy has saved my life so many times,” Grande tweeted in response. “If you’re afraid to ask for help, don’t be.”

photography via instagram/@arianagrande

In an Instagram story posted on April 11, Grande shared a side-by-side image of a healthy brain and a brain affected by PTSD. She also included an image of what is allegedly her brain, which appears to show incredibly high levels of PTSD. “Not a joke,” she captioned the story. In a follow-up story, Grande posted a selfie containing the captions “life is wild,” “she’s trying her muthafukin best,” and “my brain is tired.”

Selena Gomez

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I have a lot to be thankful for this year.. My year has been the hardest yet most rewarding one yet. I've finally fought the fight of not 'being enough'. I have only wanted to reflect the love you guys have given me for years and show how important it is to take care of YOU. By grace through faith. Kindness always wins. I love you guys. God bless

A post shared by Selena Gomez (@selenagomez) on Nov 24, 2016 at 6:21pm PST

In August 2016, Selena Gomez announced that she would be taking a break from her career to deal with anxiety, depression and panic attacks associated with lupus (an autoimmune condition from which she suffers). She made a return to the spotlight in November that year at the American Music Awards, where she delivered an emotional, heartfelt speech, briefly touching on her battle with mental health issues.

“I had to stop because I had everything and I was absolutely broken inside. I kept it all together enough to where I would never let you down but I kept it too much together to where I let myself down,” she said. “If you are broken, you do not have to stay broken.”

The songstress also opened up about her issues with mental health in the April 2017 issue of Vogue (which she covered). “Tours are a really lonely place for me,” she told the magazine. “My self-esteem was shot. I was depressed, anxious. I started to have panic attacks right before getting onstage, or right after leaving the stage. Basically I felt I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t capable. I felt I wasn’t giving my fans anything, and they could see it—which, I think, was a complete distortion.”

She revealed she spent 90 days in a mental health facility in Tennessee, surrendering her cell phone and taking part in various forms of therapy. And while Gomez is the second most-followed person on Instagram, she told Vogue she no longer had it on her phone, and an assistant had her password.

“It felt like I was seeing things I didn’t want to see, like it was putting things in my head that I didn’t want to care about,” she said. “I always end up feeling like shit when I look at Instagram. Which is why I’m kind of under the radar, ghosting it a bit.”

Camila Cabello

Former Fifth Harmony member Camila Cabello made headlines in September 2016 after she left the stage early during a performance under the guise of a wardrobe malfunction. She later revealed, on Snapchat, that the cause was excessive anxiety, even tweeting, “just wanna sleep for 3 days.”

Cabello had already been open about her struggles with anxiety prior to the incident, however, telling Billboard that 2015 was a “low” for her, personally.

“I was having terrible anxiety, nonstop. My heart would beat really fast the whole day. Two hours after I woke up, I’d need a nap because my body was so hyperactive,” she recalled. “I was scared of what would happen to me, of the things my brain might tell me. I realized the stuff I thought was important isn’t worth my health. Now I write in a diary every day, work out and meditate.”

In March 2017, the Cuban-born star revealed to Latina magazine that she also deals with obsessive compulsive disorder. “It was just totally out of control,” Cabello told the magazine of her OCD. “I would wake up with a super-accelerated heartbeat and really negative, intrusive, compulsive thoughts. I was so inside my head, and I didn’t know what was happening.”

She continued, “I totally understand now, being in it, why there shouldn’t be such a stigma on mental illness, because it’s a pretty common thing for people. But you can get help. If you’re dedicated to making it better, you can—because I’m in a much better place now. I started reading books about it and it really helped a lot when I understood [the illness], and that [the thoughts I was having] weren’t real. Sometimes you have to remind yourself to slow down and take care of yourself.”

Zayn Malik

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In June 2016, former One Direction member Zayn Malik cancelled a U.K. concert due to anxiety. He made the announcement on Instagram, writing, “Unfortunately, my anxiety that has haunted me throughout the last few months has gotten the better of me. With the magnitude of the live event, I have suffered the worst anxiety of my career.”

Later that year, Malik revealed in his memoir, Pillow Talk, that panic attacks have stopped him from performing on more than one occasion. “I just couldn’t go through with it,” he wrote. “Mentally, the anxiety had won. Physically, I knew I couldn’t function. I would have to pull out.”

And while a member of his team offered to say he was sick, Malik insisted on being open about his struggle. “I was done with putting out statements that masked what was really going on. I wanted to tell the truth. Anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of; it affects millions of people every day,” he explained. “I don’t want to say I’m sick. I want to tell people what’s going on, and I’m not gonna be ashamed of what’s happening.”

Cara Delevingne

In 2016, Cara Delevingne took to Twitter to reveal she took a break from modelling due to depression. “I suffer from depression and was a model during a particularly rough patch of self hatred,” she explained. Later that year, she told Esquire she had been struggling with mental illness since she was a teen, more specifically, after she discovered her mother’s drug addiction.

“I was suicidal. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I realized how lucky and privileged I was, but all I wanted to do was die,” she told the magazine, adding a six-month break from school and medication might have helped save her life at 16.

However, Cara stopped the meds at age 18, saying “I get depressed still but I would rather learn to figure it out myself rather then be dependant on meds, ever.”

Adele

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Auckland / Mt Smart Stadium / Mar 25

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Despite being a 15-time Grammy winner, Adele still experiences stage fright. In March 2017, she admitted to her New Zealand concertgoers that she may never tour again, due to the ongoing issue. “Touring isn’t something I’m good at–applause makes me feel a bit vulnerable. I don’t know if I will ever tour again,” she told the audience. “I get so nervous with live performances that I’m too frightened to try anything new. It’s actually getting worse. Or it’s just not getting better, so I feel like it’s getting worse, because it should’ve gotten better by now.”

Lady Gaga

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I felt like a princess in custom @tiffanyandco made just for me for the #GoldenGlobes 🤗 The Aurora necklace was named after the Aurora Borealis as an homage to #AStarIsBorn 🌟 #TiffanyAndCo

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In 2016, Lady Gaga revealed she suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after she was raped at age 19. “I suffer from PTSD, I’ve never told anyone that before,” she said on the Today show in December 2016. ���But the kindness that’s been shown to me, by doctors as well as family and friends, has really saved my life.”

More recently, Gaga opened up about her mental health struggles in a conversation with Prince William, as part of the royal’s Heads Together #oktosay series, which aims to end the stigma with the help of celebrities.

“For me, waking up every day and feeling sad and going on stage is something that is very hard to describe. There’s a lot of shame attached to mental illness. You feel like something’s wrong with you,” she told the Duke of Cambridge via FaceTime. “In my life, I go, ‘Oh my goodness, look at all these beautiful, wonderful things that I have. I should be so happy,’ but you can’t help it if, in the morning when you wake up, you are so tired, you are so sad, you are so full of anxiety and the shakes that you can barely think.”

But despite her hardships, the A Star is Born actress told William “the best thing that could come out of my mental illness was to share it with other people.”

“I feel like we are not hiding anymore, we’re starting to talk, and that’s what we need to do really,” she said.

Demi Lovato

Demi Lovato is one of the most vocal mental health awareness advocates in the biz. The former Disney star, who has battled drug and alcohol addictions, bipolar disorder, self-harm and an eating disorder for years underwent rehab in 2010 and in 2013. Now, Lovato is much healthier and is committed to ending the stigma against mental illness. In 2015, she launched the Be Vocal campaign as a way to encourage individuals struggling with mental illness to talk about what they’re going through.

“I think the more people vocalize what they’re going through—their experience or just simply educating themselves so that they can learn more about what they’re talking about—that’s going to be the key to creating a conversation about mental illness and making it more understood,” she told HuffPost. “There’s a lack of compassion for people who have mental illnesses and there’s a lot of judgment. Once you make people realize that mental illness can happen to anybody—and it’s not anybody’s fault—then I think they’ll become more understanding of what mental illness really is.”

Jennifer Lawrence

Photography by Steve Granitz/WireImage

Jennifer Lawrence opened up about her struggle with anxiety in 2013, telling Madame Figaro that she began experiencing symptoms as a preteen. “When my mother told me about my childhood, she always told me that there was like a light in me, a spark that inspired me constantly,” Lawrence told the magazine. “When I started school, the light went out. It was never known what it was, a kind of social anxiety.”

She eventually went to seek help from a therapist and turned to acting as a form of self-therapy. She also revealed to the New York Times that she manages her anxiety with the use of prescription meds.

Emma Stone

Photo by Steve Granitz/WireImage

Oscar winner Emma Stone told Rolling Stone in 2016 that she experienced bouts of anxiety and panic attacks as a child. “My anxiety was constant,” she said. “I would ask my mom a hundred times how the day was gonna lay out. What time was she gonna drop me off? Where was she gonna be? What would happen at lunch? Feeling nauseous. At a certain point, I couldn’t go to friends’ houses anymore–I could barely get out the door to school.”

She did reveal, however, that therapy and acting, specifically improv and sketch comedy, is what helped her work through it. “You have to be present in improv, and that’s the antithesis of anxiety,” she explained.

Chrissy Teigen

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My stoop buddy

A post shared by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on Apr 29, 2017 at 6:47pm PDT

Chrissy Teigen is never one to hold back, but she shocked fans when she penned an essay for Glamour in 2017 on her struggle with postpartum depression. “I couldn’t figure out why I was so unhappy. I blamed it on being tired and possibly growing out of the role: ‘Maybe I’m just not a goofy person anymore. Maybe I’m just supposed to be a mom,'” she wrote, later adding “postpartum does not discriminate.”

Months later, Teigen finally saw her family doctor, where she got her diagnosis. She began taking antidepressants. “I’m speaking up now because I want people to know it can happen to anybody and I don’t want people who have it to feel embarrassed or to feel alone. I also don’t want to pretend like I know everything about postpartum depression, because it can be different for everybody. But one thing I do know is that—for me—just merely being open about it helps.”

Troian Bellisario

In November 2016, Pretty Little Liars star Troian Bellisario revealed via a voting PSA that she struggled with an eating disorder when she was younger. She said it was early detection and mental healthcare that saved her. “If I had just been shunned to the side as not having ‘real problems’, I don’t know that I would be living today,” she explained. “I just want to make sure that everybody has the same opportunity for treatment that I have, and I think that we have to make sure that our government invests in those programs.”

Troian shared her story on her struggles with anorexia in her film Feed, which she wrote and directed. “It was not easy; it was like engaging with an addiction,” she told Interview magazine of revisiting her story, adding that working on the film was “like poking a sleeping dragon.” “One of the things I really wanted the film to explore was that once you have this relationship, once you have this mental illness or this disease, it never really goes away.”

And just like many others who suffer from mental illness, Bellisario said she feels like no one truly understands what she went through. “Still to this day, I couldn’t get anyone—even the people who loved me the most, even my boyfriend or my mother or my father—to understand what that experience was truly like for me,” she said. “It was about my eating disorder, and I found there were so many people who thought that it was about losing weight or being skinny, and I couldn’t quite get them to understand that it was about control on a very, very literal level.”

Gina Rodriguez

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One year after the devastation of Hurricane Maria, there is still work to be done. Thank you @ricky_martin for giving us all an opportunity to continue to contribute to the reconstruction of our beautiful island of Puerto Rico. #allin4pr #miislabonita ❤️🙌🏽 link in bio 🇵🇷🇵🇷🇵🇷

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Jane the Virgin star Gina Rodriguez got candid about her struggle with anxiety in a moving Instagram post. “I suffer from anxiety,” she captioned the video, which sees her makeup-free in a New York Yankees cap. “And watching this clip I could see how anxious I was but I empathize with myself. I wanted to protect her and tell her it’s ok to be anxious, there is nothing different or strange about having anxiety and I will prevail.”

Shawn Mendes

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Je t’aime France ! 🇫🇷 x

A post shared by Shawn Mendes (@shawnmendes) on Nov 10, 2018 at 2:31pm PST

It may be hard to believe that Canada’s very own heartthrob has had his fair share of anxious episodes, but he has. In April 2018, the singer-songwriter told The Sun in an interview that he had seen a therapist a few times. “I found I was closing myself off from everybody, thinking that would help me battle [my anxiety], then realizing the only way I was going to battle it was completely opening up and letting people in,” Mendes said.

Said anxiety was chronicled in his single “In My Blood” (Lyrics: Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in, sometimes I feel like giving up, no medicine is strong enough, someone help me.)

“All pain is temporary, and the thing is with anxiety, and why it’s such a hard thing for people who don’t have it to understand, is that it is very random and it hits you at moments you don’t expect it. Sometimes it lasts two hours, sometimes it lasts a day and sometimes it lasts five minutes,” he said.

Sarah Hyland

Back in December 2018, Sarah Hyland opened up about experiencing suicidal thoughts after her body rejected a kidney donated by her dad. The Modern Family star, who has had a slew of health problems her whole life, appeared on Ellen in early January 2019 and spoke about her depression.

“After 26, 27 years of just always being sick and being in chronic pain every single day—and [you] don’t know when you’re going to have the next good day—it’s really, really hard…” she said.

“I would write letters in my head to loved ones of why I did it, and my reasoning behind it, and how it wasn’t anybody’s fault,” the 28-year-old revealed, adding that she was “very, very, very close,” to taking her own life.

When asked how she overcame her suicidal thoughts and depression, Hyland said that she confided in a close friend (“I finally said it out loud to someone… just saying it out loud helped immensely, because I kept it to myself for months and months at a time.”) who urged her to see a therapist.

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Mental Health: Common Misconceptions & Assumptions

One of the most frustrating things I have dealt with during my years of struggling with mental health issues has been trying to explain the whys behind the way I feel and how my diagnosis's make me act and respond to situations. There is only so much explaining you can do to someone who doesn't live with any mental illnesses. It's one of those things where you need to experience it to really understand it. Now of course I wouldn't wish any mental illness on anyone, so its kind of a double edged sword. You want people to know how it really feels so that you have less explaining to do, but you wouldn't want anyone to struggle, and often times, suffer, like you. So you're left with numerous questions and assumptions from people who really don't know any better and are just curious. You get the, "well just take medicine and you'll be fine," to, "how are you happy one minute and sad the next?" type of questions and remarks. How do you tell someone that your mood is like a light switch that you have no control over- where one minute you can be completely fine, and the next second your eyes are filled with tears and you are thinking about all the ways you fall short as an individual? Well here are some of the questions and assumptions that I have experienced over the years, and I'll try my best to offer an explanation. Keep in mind though that every person experiences their mental illness in a different capacity. Although we may have things in common in regards to how we feel or how we respond to certain situations, no two people are exactly alike in terms of their mental well being. Once I go over the most common questions, I'll then pose the questions people with mental illnesses wish that you would ask. 

Why Can't You Just Snap Out Of It?

This seems like a pretty straight forward question, right? FALSE. I'm sure you've been in that scenario where you try to talk to a confidant, friend, or relative and after listening, they respond with this question (probably worded a little differently, but you get the point). This question immediately makes me shut down and not want to continue opening up, but I have learned that the only way they will learn is by answering it. This is like asking an alcoholic why they can't just snap out of drinking every day, like it's a simple task. There are so many layers to mental health and the process of recovery that it is almost impossible to just one day wake up and magically be cured of all negative thoughts, actions, etc that accompany mental illnesses. Congrats to you if you are one of the few people who are able to do this, but I know for a fact that I am not one of those people. Usually there are many aspects associated with your diagnosis whether it be years of trauma, abuse, neglect, loss, or whatever the case may be. It takes time to heal and process everything, so you can't just expect someone who has struggled for years and years to just snap out of it one day. I am 24 years old and I am only 10 months into my recovery, so this has definitely been the opposite of quick. 

Just Take Medicine And Everything Will Be Okay. 

Medicine is just one part of therapy. There is so much more work and dedication that goes into being mentally healthy and stable. Yes, medicine does a lot of the work for us, especially if you are able to find the right combination and dosage, but that usually takes some trial and error. I keep a running list of all of the medications I have tried and that have either worked or not worked and guess how many are on that list? Over 30. That's a lot of time and energy spent on trying to find the right therapy to balance the chemicals in my head. Luckily, now I have found a combination that works pretty well for what I am currently dealing with, but others aren't so lucky. Now if I weren't on any medications at all (which was a phase I went through many times over the years), I can honestly say that I would not be as level headed, or clear minded as I am now. As much credit as I wish I could give to myself, I am honest with myself and I know that I couldn't do all of this on my own without some type of medicinal therapy. This isn't to say that I'll need medicine for the rest of my life, but the place that I am in now benefits me more with the aid of medicine (and of course therapy, meditation, etc.).

Mental Health Problems Last Forever

I briefly touched on this in the paragraph above, but you aren't stuck with your illnesses for the rest of your life. Many of them, like depression, come and go or are triggered by certain things. For me, I experienced most of my major depression in the last 6-7 years, whereas now, I find myself dealing less with depression and more with anxiety and OCD. There are always going to be obstacles in your life that will test you mentally and physically. With the right treatment, consistency, and patience, you may find yourself not struggling with any of the disorders you found yourself dealing with in the years prior. That takes a lot of strength, and everyone is capable of achieving that- it just takes some time. 

You're Doing All Of This For Attention

To accuse anyone who is struggling mentally of being guilty of acting out in response to how they feel simply for attention is a pretty low blow. There are instances where people who do things like try and commit suicide are doing it as a cry for help, but do not mistake that for wanting attention. Yes, it is a form of attention, but it's the kind of attention that needs to be taken seriously. I have tried to commit suicide 4 times and not once did I have the thought, "oh let me take 60 pills and make myself deathly ill just to get the attention of my best friend." I won't speak for everyone, but as someone who has experience and knows many people who have gone through the same thing, I have never come across an individual who was willing to risk death just to be noticed (I'm not saying that no one has ever done that, just that I have not experienced that). 

It is my goal, and I'm sure many others', to change the conversation around mental health and make it more positive. I want people to ask questions and be informed, but I think there are more important questions to be asked than ones I have mentioned above. Here are a few:

How Are You Doing?

It's a simple question, but one that holds a lot of meaning and weight to someone who is struggling mentally. As we all know, it is not always easy to open up and find the words, but having someone approach you who is genuinely concerned for your wellbeing could help tremendously. Even if they answer with just a "yes" or "no," I guarantee that person will go from feeling alone and misunderstood, to at the least, feeling as though someone wants to listen and help. 

What Do You Need From Me?

If someone had asked me this question during my lowest moments, I probably would have been relieved more than anything. When you are feeling depressed and sad and alone, the last thing you want to do is ask for help. Asking for help may come easier to some than others, but don't assume that because they didn't ask, that they aren't thinking it. For me, my answer probably would've been something along the lines of "I just need you to listen." or "I just need a hug." 

How Has Your Diagnosis shaped who you are today?

People with mental illnesses tend to be categorized, or stigmatized, or labeled, and that's the last thing that they need. Instead, figure out how they have become a better version of themselves (or are at least on the path to bettering themselves) and how they managed to not let their diagnosis define who they were and are as a person. Everyone changes a little with time, and change is good. I think its important and beneficial for yourself to share with people how you have evolved over time. We often get lost in this bubble that is mental health and we forget all the other amazing things about ourselves that make us so much more. 

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Director, Jon Hershfield, MFT Mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for individuals and families affected by OCD, Anxiety, and related disorders Home About Us Services Free OCD Group Jon’s Blog Media Links Contact Us Previous Next HOCD (Sexual Orientation OCD): Part Two So now what? Obsessive compulsive disorder is treated with a form of psychotherapy called cognitive behavioral therapy. It is a present-focused therapy that addresses how you are responding to your thoughts and feelings and how these responses can be modified to improve your mental health. Treatment for HOCD is no different from treatment for other forms of OCD. You identify the obsession, identify the compulsions, stop the compulsions, and starve the obsession. To achieve this, you attack the OCD from three angles, exposure, critical thinking, and mindfulness. Exposure for HOCD – it’s not all about gay porn OK, it’s a little about gay porn, but keep reading anyway. Exposure with Response Prevention (ERP) is a way of overcoming fears by gradually confronting things that cause the fear state while (and this is key) resisting the compulsive response. It’s not enough to look at weights at the gym. You have to pick them up and resist gravity’s objection. Working with an OCD specialist, you will want to identify what it is about your HOCD that really compels you to ritualize. For some, it’s a straightforward discomfort with gay imagery and for that, you might do exposure to gay-themed pictures and videos of gradually increasing intensity while resisting the urge to convince yourself that you are straight. For others, the fear is more abstract, having to do with a loss of identity or a fear of emotionally scarring your loved ones by “coming out” to everyone’s dismay. For this, exposure to sexual material is less relevant because you may not be fighting a fear or disgust with gay sexual imagery, but instead are grappling with a fear of being an imposter. Exposures for this type of HOCD may focus more on being in environments where the thoughts are likely to be active and resisting checking or reassurance-seeking behaviors. You may also use imaginal exposure, such as writing narratives about your fears possibly coming true and the consequences therein. Many HOCD sufferers benefit from a combination of exposures. In both cases, it will also mean identifying what you are avoiding and gradually reintroducing yourself to those things. This doesn’t mean having gay sex. You weren’t avoiding that before HOCD started. You just weren’t doing it. But you may have started to avoid reading a magazine if there happens to be an article about a gay celebrity in it, or listening to a piece of music performed by a gay person, or having cordial conversations with your local barista who you think may be gay. So a lot of ERP is really about gradually returning to a life of behaviors totally unrelated to sexual orientation that got thrown off course by the HOCD. Dealing with the HOCD thoughts Critical thinking means recognizing when a pattern of thought is distorted and may be playing into the hands of the OCD. This may be addressed in therapy with something called cognitive restructuring, a way of challenging intrusive thoughts without doing compulsions. A good example of distorted thinking is the tendency in all forms of OCD to look at things in black-and-white terms. For example, equating the presence of one gay-themed thought with the self-identification of “being gay.” There is also a powerful tendency toward disqualifying a life history of being one orientation in the face of fear over being another. In other words, though you may have always pursued members of the opposite sex, your obsessive thoughts about being gay seem to make that seem irrelevant – or worse, like a desperate attempt to deny the truth! Another common distortion in HOCD is equating the presence of any gay thoughts or feelings with being less of a man or woman. Though it is important to identify and challenge distorted thinking in all forms of OCD, you want to be very careful not to use logic as your main weapon against the disorder. You can’t fight OCD illogic for very long with logic. You have to fight it with better illogic in the form of exposure. Mindfulness skills and HOCD Accepting thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations as they are. This is all mindfulness really means. It is noticing and accepting without judgment. Hey, look at that, another HOCD thought. All right then. But in HOCD, accepting thoughts, feelings, and sensations seems like accepting a death sentence. A very gay death sentence. If I accept a thought like, “I would love kissing that guy” then what’s to stop me from making out with my best buddy? Well, nothing really, except that you are basically only going to do it if and when you want to. You cannot control the thoughts and feelings and random physical sensations that happen to occur in you. No one can. You just choose what to do with them. I kill several people a day and probably sexually assault about the same number in my head. And look, they let me be a therapist. Mindfulness for HOCD often means allowing yourself to incorporate unwanted sexual thoughts, feelings, and sensations into the larger picture of whatever you are experiencing in that moment. So, rather than attend to wishing that you could have a conversation with a same-sex friend without “gay thoughts”, actively embrace the experience of having both the conversation and the thoughts simultaneously. The experience you are having involves both of those things. When you focus your attention only on the unwanted thoughts, their origins, and when you imagine they will leave, then you are depriving yourself of the other experience, a nice conversation with a friend. If, on the other hand, you can allow yourself to stop “minding” that the thoughts are there and commit to having whatever experience you are having, you not only get to enjoy more of your life, but you send a powerful message to your OCD mind that these thoughts are not particularly important and not worthy of intruding so aggressively. Gay in the moment, with or without HOCD So they’re making another movie about Wolverine from X-Men. This is a bit odd, I think. There’s the X-Men movies, then there’s X-Men Origins: Wolverine, now there’s The Wolverine. Soon we’ll see Wolverine on Ice I imagine as men and women alike simply cannot get enough of this masculine tough guy crybaby superhero who cannot be destroyed. When I see the latest billboards of Hugh Jackman, the actor who portrays Wolverine in the films, posed menacingly, perfectly chiseled features, a force to be reckoned with, I can’t help but linger. Do I want to look like him, be him, or just stare at him? I don’t know, so, for the briefest of moments, I guess I am gay. I’m not personally interested in gay sex or gay relationships. I don’t yearn for it. It just doesn’t feel like home to me. I’m happily married to a woman and feel quite lucky to be invited to stick around. But for a brief moment, every time I see the new Wolverine billboard, I am in love with a picture of Hugh Jackman and I am totally gay. The thing is, throughout the day, I will be a lot of things. Gay is the friendliest. I will get irritated by a selfish driver not letting me merge, and I may mentally run them off the road, and in that moment I will be a sociopath. I’ll destroy that driver and his whole family. I’m not proud of it, or maybe I am, but it’s just going to happen in my mind and there’s no use stopping it. So far, thinking this way, and letting it just happen, has not resulted in anyone getting hurt. So it simply must be the case that what goes on in my mind is about as relevant to my identity as television is to reality. I can watch it, and I can weigh in on how interesting I think it is, but I can’t control it and I don’t win anything by trying anyway. There have been a lot of gay moments in my life like the 2 seconds of getting stuck staring at Hugh Jackman, but allowing these moments to occur has not threatened my existence the way it does for someone suffering from HOCD because I always allow it. For women with HOCD, perhaps even more so than for men, a lot of anxiety surrounds the awareness of beauty in other women. It’s a terrible double-bind. Society asks that women study female beauty and try to achieve whatever their culture pre-determines this to mean (society is cruel). But then HOCD demands that women never admire the sexual attractiveness of other women (OCD is cruelest). I’m even gayer than that Anyone who knows me well, knows I have a peculiar fascination with Clive Barker, a well-respected homosexual author, filmmaker and artist. I recently came across a funny little video blog called Clive Barker Needs More Gay in which a hilarious and articulate gay man describes the work of Clive Barker from a homosexual perspective. In it, he points out how Barker’s characters are often unorthodox in the horror genre. Monsters are good guys, the mainstream man is the enemy, and whether you find the acts of individual supporting players to be grotesque or disgusting, you are expected to also have some sympathy for them. They are just doing what they know how to do. The narrator of this blog equates this to the gay experience, but this is often the experience of the OCD sufferer too. The OCD sufferer feels different, feels like an outsider, feels like what normally happens in their head separates them from what they imagine normally happens in the minds of the common man. Identifying with the outsider is often used as fuel for the HOCD fire. You may think, I “feel” gay because I “feel” like something about me is off, different. But simply feeling like you’re on the outside looking in is not an issue of sexual orientation. Still, the OCD persists. How do I know if I’m gay? What if I am? I have to know! You have to guess. You have to settle for confidence instead of certainty. You have to live your life as if you are the thing you want to be and risk being wrong. The compulsive handwasher has to live like they’re clean enough without one more wash, and they have to be willing to risk that they are being irresponsible. The alternative is to remain a slave to the OCD, a fate far worse than whatever the OCD suggests. In the end, because certainty does not exist, we only ever have two choices in life. One choice is to take the risk and stand up to your OCD. Get treatment from an OCD specialist, do the exposure with response prevention, practice mindfulness, and possibly spend the rest of your life happily engaged in whatever you pursue. It may end up well, it may not. You may live the life of a straight person and right at the very end decide it was all a sham. That would be really disappointing I imagine. But compare it to the alternative. The alternative is you don’t treat the OCD and you spend the rest of your life devoted to the futile pursuit of certainty, thinking “gay stuff” all day every day, avoiding anything that might make you happy, because happy things trigger the gay thoughts. You isolate yourself from the people who care about you. You avoid sex and all sexual expression in an attempt to cleanse yourself of any possibility of a same-sex thought or feeling. And then at the end of your life, you decide this was all a sham. You’re straight and you just have OCD. But you threw your life away for no reason other than the avoidance of fear. And now it’s too late to start over. Which scenario is ultimately more disappointing? Jon Hershfield, MFT is a psychotherapist in private practice licensed in Maryland and California, specializing in the treatment of OCD. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook. Click here for HOCD: Part 4 Click here for HOCD: Part 3 Click here for HOCD: Part 1 By Jon Hershfield|May 10th, 2013|Compulsions, HOCD, Obsessions, OCD, OCD Information|243 Comments Share This Story, Choose Your Platform! Related Posts Permalink Gallery How to Respond to Unwanted Thoughts Permalink Gallery Introducing Brenda Kijesky, LGMFT Permalink Gallery Relationship-themed OCD (ROCD) Permalink Gallery POCD Part Three: The Groin and Other Junk Permalink Gallery What Makes IOCDF Different 243 Comments James Hoffmann June 5, 2013 at 6:33 pm - Reply wow. I never leave feedback and somehow this was the one article good enough. You showed hope from a different vantage point and shed a far brighter light on this dark subject than any doctor I’ve heard. You should feel very good for having effected lives in such a positive way. Jonathan Hershfield June 14, 2013 at 10:43 pm - Reply James, thank you so much for the kind feedback. Happy the article resonated! James June 16, 2013 at 11:24 pm - Reply Good article! When will the next one be up? Jonathan Hershfield June 16, 2013 at 11:44 pm - Reply Thanks! I’m working on HOCD Part Three, as well as two other articles all at the same time, so not sure yet. Probably it will be up in a few weeks. Keep checking back to the site! Amati June 19, 2013 at 9:37 pm - Reply Love the article, I have a question, I have unwanted image/thoughts of having sex or kissing a girls, and I become very anxious (uncomfortable warm sensation in my feet and stomach) I did accept the possibility that I might be gay but it doesnt make me be ashamed rather not happy or myself. I cant sleep because of the anxious. I’m scared that suddenly I start being in love with girls because of a lot people discover their sexually at age of 20 like Ellen and Charice or later age. I still find men attractive and want a relationship with them. The day I wasn’t myself is when I had a dream of me being with a woman which scared the shit of me. Lately I wasn’t interesting in men. Suddenly I start notice girls. I admit that I watch sex scene or porn. The whole week I had to repeatedly tell myself that I wasn’t. I try to kiss a girl but I couldn’t because it didn’t feel right. I do reassure myself that it was OCD but feel like I was just giving an excuse of being in denial. I never been in a relationship. I further research and discover latent homosexuality and egodynstoc homosexuality which they have the similar symptoms as HOCD. I scared that If I see a therapist or start the erp and discover I was actually gay. Help I’m so scared. I have also I had thoughts/images of me be in the hospital discover that I had cancer, but the reality I was healthy. Jonathan Hershfield June 20, 2013 at 1:07 am - Reply Hi Amati, glad the article was helpful for you! I can’t diagnose you via a blog comment, but you describe several symptoms of OCD, such as compulsive checking, reassurance seeking, mental review (not to mention your history of health anxiety which is probably related). The fear of doing ERP and “discovering” that you are gay is a common one and unfortunately it keeps a lot of OCD sufferers from getting the help they need. All I can suggest is that avoidance doesn’t work for overcoming fears; only exposure does. So seeing a therapist is, in and of itself, an exposure to your fear. My recommendation is that you see someone who has experience treating OCD. Amati June 20, 2013 at 3:19 am - Reply What is an example of exposure and response prevention. I did expose myself with watching video and image and word. I actually felt a little uncomfortable and a little anxious (calmer then before) and all I can think was men and asking why am I watching this video because it was me. I also had thoughts of me getting raped and I was killed by an explosion. Jonathan Hershfield June 20, 2013 at 6:00 pm - Reply So, exposure is something you do which triggers in you enough discomfort that it makes you want to do a compulsion (i.e. attempt to prove to yourself that you are straight). Response prevention is when you resist doing the compulsion in the face of the exposure. So watching a lesbian-themed video might be a good exposure. But for it to be effective exposure w/ response prevention, you would want to resist the urge to think about men or ask why you are watching it, and instead tell yourself you might be gay and this might be what you are really into. This would be challenging and uncomfortable, but eventually with practice the discomfort fades. What you are left with is the ability to tolerate intrusive thoughts about your sexual orientation without getting caught in an obsessive compulsive loop. To your comment about fears of being harmed, these are also common obsessions in OCD. Ayan June 20, 2013 at 8:24 pm - Reply 1. I did accept the possibilities that I might a lesbian, but it doesn’t feel me. My anxiety decrease, the problem is I have a habit to reassure/checking the forum to search for answers, and I gain wrong information such as HOCD doesn’t exist, you are in denial.” My anxiety increase (can’t feel my stomach or my feel and the sudden thought are popping.) 2. The another problem, I can’t stop thinking about my past (watching porn same or opposite sex) when my friends told me that I was a lesbian because I never was in a relationship. I remember once time I convinced myself I was a lesbian because I watched same sex porn. I wasn’t interesting to girls except wanted to be like them. (I did admire their Beauties.) (I didn’t know about anxiety or OCD or other mental diseases until I was 20) I watch a show or go to gossip website where the person is coming out the closet at the later age. I thought it could be me because I convinced that I was. It scared me, I couldn’t sleep or thinking, getting impatience. It affect my job and my relationship with myself and my dream. 3. It happens after I was thinking that I wouldn’t be happy once I have everything I dream to be (a filmmaker, traveling the world and be more social) because I have been in debt for two years and I was comfortable being negative all the time because of my high expectation rather setting a realistic goal. 3. I want to ask about the erp therapy what do you mean by “you would want to resist the urge to think about men or ask why you are watching it, and instead tell yourself you might be gay and this might be what you are really into.” I have to pretend that I like it to overcome the discomfort. I’m scared that it makes me feel like I was lying to myself that I was gay the entire time without me knowing. I want to know to limit for exposure per day? I can’t afford to see a psychologist at the moment. Meanwhile, I want to know try overcome the ocd and anxiety without affecting with my daily routine. What is the best coping skills? 4. I have a problem by constantly checking/reassuring that it is OCD, but not in denial, comparing myself to people who are actually gay, that are afraid of telling the world. (which it increased my anxiety (can’t feel my stomach and legs/feet.) I tend to be very impatient (thinking about finding a quick conclusion rather the slowly overcome.) 5. it is normal for a human being to have same-sex fantasy, dreams, thoughts even thought they’re straight? (What is the difference between fantasy and unwanted image thought?) 6. What should I avoid? Jonathan Hershfield June 21, 2013 at 5:01 pm - Reply 1. I did accept the possibilities that I might a lesbian, but it doesn’t feel me. My anxiety decrease, the problem is I have a habit to reassure/checking the forum to search for answers, and I gain wrong information such as HOCD doesn’t exist, you are in denial.” My anxiety increase (can’t feel my stomach or my feel and the sudden thought are popping.) —This is common. Clients often come to me as a result of seeing something I wrote about their obsession. One of the first things we work on is stopping reading what I wrote. You can do ERP to specific sites where they promote “gay denial” theories, but you have to be doing it as exposure, not as reassurance. In general, it’s best to stay away from the internet while dealing with an obsession unless it’s to look up directions to your therapist’s office! 2. The another problem, I can’t stop thinking about my past (watching porn same or opposite sex) when my friends told me that I was a lesbian because I never was in a relationship. I remember once time I convinced myself I was a lesbian because I watched same sex porn. I wasn’t interesting to girls except wanted to be like them. (I did admire their Beauties.) (I didn’t know about anxiety or OCD or other mental diseases until I was 20) I watch a show or go to gossip website where the person is coming out the closet at the later age. I thought it could be me because I convinced that I was. It scared me, I couldn’t sleep or thinking, getting impatience. It affect my job and my relationship with myself and my dream. —First, most heterosexual women (at least all of those I have asked) PREFER lesbian pornography. There are a lot of reasons for this I imagine, having to do with the ways in which men and women process sexual arousal in the brain. Straight porn is often full of ugly guys doing ugly things and is typically aimed at straight men seeing these things being done. It’s not an exact science. But one thing is for certain, which is that viewing and enjoying lesbian porn is not an indicator of being a lesbian. As for thoughts about the past, you cannot control whether or not you have them, but you can control whether or not you devote energy and attention to analyzing their meaning. 3. It happens after I was thinking that I wouldn’t be happy once I have everything I dream to be (a filmmaker, traveling the world and be more social) because I have been in debt for two years and I was comfortable being negative all the time because of my high expectation rather setting a realistic goal. —Yes, many HOCD sufferers equate their fear of being gay with a fear of not being able to lead fulfilling lives. 3. I want to ask about the erp therapy what do you mean by “you would want to resist the urge to think about men or ask why you are watching it, and instead tell yourself you might be gay and this might be what you are really into.” I have to pretend that I like it to overcome the discomfort. I’m scared that it makes me feel like I was lying to myself that I was gay the entire time without me knowing. I want to know to limit for exposure per day? I can’t afford to see a psychologist at the moment. Meanwhile, I want to know try overcome the ocd and anxiety without affecting with my daily routine. What is the best coping skills? —Let’s do another #3, why not? 😉 So the question is about lying in the course of ERP for the purpose of generating discomfort so you can practice resisting compulsions. Your fear of being in denial is at the core of the HOCD and is the thing you need to be doing exposure to. So when doing ERP, you should be trying to make contact with that fear of denial. Your second question about overcoming ocd and coping without getting professional help is a somewhat difficult one to answer, but you could start with something like The OCD Workbook by Bruce Hyman or Freedom From Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by Jonathan Grayson. You could also utilize the support of ocd-focused discussion boards such as http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/pure_o_ocd/ or http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/OCD-Support/. 4. I have a problem by constantly checking/reassuring that it is OCD, but not in denial, comparing myself to people who are actually gay, that are afraid of telling the world. (which it increased my anxiety (can’t feel my stomach and legs/feet.) I tend to be very impatient (thinking about finding a quick conclusion rather the slowly overcome.) –Well, these are definitely compulsions and something you want to learn to identify and resist, despite whatever discomfort this must cause you. In short, try NOT to know of it’s OCD or something else. 5. it is normal for a human being to have same-sex fantasy, dreams, thoughts even thought they’re straight? (What is the difference between fantasy and unwanted image thought?) —Yes (and that’s the last reassurance you’ll get from me!). The difference between fantasy and unwanted thought is arbitrary and based mostly on what you tell yourself it is. Knowing the difference for sure is not important, because thoughts are thoughts, not threats. 6. What should I avoid? —Compulsions, strategies to obtain certainty about your obsessions, and poisonous snakes. Amati June 21, 2013 at 4:01 pm - Reply What if I don’t like the idea. I did have thought of accepting the possibilities but my mind is tell me no you’re not gay. You’re in fact straight. Once the obsessive compulsive loop is gone, it is possible to limit myself from these topics (avoidance) in order to stop the triggers. Jonathan Hershfield June 21, 2013 at 5:11 pm - Reply I’m not sure I understand the question. If your mind is telling you that you’re straight, that’s fine. Your job is not to stop your mind from saying things, but to accept that what it is saying is comprised of thoughts, which you can take seriously or shrug off at your own discretion. I think what you are asking about avoiding topics is whether you can reduce your obsession by trying not to encounter things that trigger you. This is a bad idea. A better idea is to allow yourself to be triggered, don;t respond with compulsions, and then eventually those things won’t keep triggering you. It will be liking flipping through tv channels past the horror station without having nightmares. Amati June 21, 2013 at 4:05 pm - Reply Is this an example of erp? 1. Watching a show including a lesbian couples, and I don’t do compulsive (checking whether to see if I’m attractive or not?) and focus on more important thing. Jonathan Hershfield June 21, 2013 at 5:12 pm - Reply Close. I would suggest focusing on the show and trying to enjoy it. But yes, resisting the urge to check what it means. Ayan June 21, 2013 at 6:23 pm - Reply Oh kk thank, I’m planning to see psychologist that have the knowledge in difference types of OCD (Self-harm, HOCD, health OCD) within two weeks foe my anxiety, ocd and depression. Meanwhile, I will continue exposure, resist myself from checkin. Ill try to mindfulness and distraction by focus on the important things. Ill update you. Amati June 21, 2013 at 6:39 pm - Reply Does the same-sex dream define the sexual orientation? I mean to say that once I accept the possibility I’m might be a lesbian and my mind says im straight. I have to think deeper to prove I’m not actually lesbian. I decide to see a therapist. Jonathan Hershfield June 21, 2013 at 7:00 pm - Reply Amati, let me start by pointing out that the question you are asking is a reassurance-seeking compulsion. So I can offer my opinion, but it will only make you feel good for a bit until your ocd comes up with another question, so I want to encourage you to try to accept uncertainty rather than try to prove that you’re straight. Anyway, no, dreams are dreams, not sources of relevant information about reality. Alex June 26, 2013 at 4:49 pm - Reply Hi John, Is it normal for HOCD to concentrate on individuals? Mine seems to revolve around certain people. It also makes it very hard for me to meet new people, as I am always questioning why I like this person, why I want to spend time with them etc… Jonathan Hershfield June 26, 2013 at 5:23 pm - Reply Yes, this is not unusual. I have seen many clients where the HOCD focus is less on a general fear of being of another sexual orientation and more focused on whether thoughts/feelings about a same-sex individual means something more significant. Sometimes it can be a best friend or sometimes it can just be the image of a person you met or remembered for some reason. The questions you describe are thoughts. As such, they are normal events. However, you don’t respond to every thought, just the ones you think are important. The trick is to resist the urge to avoid, acknowledge and accept that you had the thought (why do I enjoy being with this person?), leave it unanswered, and accept that this may coincide with some discomfort that will come and go as it pleases. Alex June 26, 2013 at 5:33 pm - Reply Thank you for your response, Its strange, recently I have been doing well and I know that the best thing to do is spend time with these people. However, OCD keeps questioning me, ‘would you be meeting up with this person if you were not exposing yourself to them for therapeutic reasons? are you just using this as an excuse to see them…’. Having my thoughts centralise around certain individuals definitely makes it harder to shrug them off in comparison to having a thoughts about someone I dont know in the street. I also worry and obsess a lot about these people and others taking and interest in me, which then eventually turns into ‘this is because this is what you want’. Alex June 26, 2013 at 11:01 pm - Reply Would you recommend the four step method that is described in the book brain lock as suitable CBT therapy for HOCD? I have recently started to try using it, however it doesn’t feel as if I am accepting uncertainty as so many other sources recommend to do. Thanks Jonathan Hershfield June 28, 2013 at 11:06 pm Brain Lock is an excellent book for understanding some of the mechanics of OCD and how it operates in the brain. The 4-step method is helpful for many people, but my personal opinion is that it relies too heavily on identifying OCD thoughts as somehow different from regular thoughts and encourages disowning the presence of unwanted thoughts. Especially for so-called “pure-o” obsessions (i.e. sexual or violent obsessions), labeling thoughts as not being owned by the thinker too easily becomes a form of compulsive self-reassurance. The issue is not where the thoughts are coming from, but how they are being responded to. I can have the thought “I am gay” and though this does not represent how I feel, it is nonetheless a thought that is going through my head. I have lots of thoughts. It is not necessary to know for sure which ones reflect my identity. That will be determined by my behavior, not my thoughts. Jonathan Hershfield June 28, 2013 at 10:59 pm - Reply Alex, these are typical OCD thoughts that can be challenged and addressed in cognitive behavioral therapy. In short, avoidance of things you fear doesn’t work. It just makes the thing you avoided seem more important. Exposure to these fears may temporarily heighten your awareness of the thoughts, but ultimately results in returning things back to their natural place. In other words, instead of them being “these people” they would just be “people”. I don’t think the fact that your OCD focuses on specific individuals makes this a unique experience. The OCD is always looking for a way to convince you that this obsessive thought is somehow different or more important than some other obsessive thought. Then you will be more likely to put the effort into doing compulsions. It’s a trap. Gary Sedgeway July 3, 2013 at 3:05 am - Reply Hi, I’m 16 years old and believe I suffer from this. I’ve only had it a few months and feel like I’m getting better slowly. Basically I have had a few relationships with girls which I have always felt really happy and enjoyed. I have always liked girls and know that I would never want a relationship with a man. However I have in the past masturbated to pictures of men, and then afterwards immediately felt disgusted with myself. I know it isn’t right and I feel like I only get turned on because it is a form of taboo. This just fuels my HOCD and although I don’t do this anymore, I feel like why would I have done that if i wasn’t gay. I do all the things which is stated in this article such as checking etc, but yet I am still unsure whether I am just in denial. Just wondering on your thoughts on this.. Jonathan Hershfield July 4, 2013 at 3:17 pm - Reply Gary, you raise a good point which people often forget about, that taboo subjects are a turn-on. We are naturally drawn to the things we see on the fringe of our sexual minds and this does not mean we are permanently oriented to them. OK, you were able to enjoy looking at pictures of men. Why do we need to attach a particular meaning to this? It’s just a thing that happened. To make a determination about “denial” we have to all agree on what the word means. I’m not convinced this is a real thing as I only ever hear about it in the context of people with OCD worrying about it. Similarly, I can’t prove no one will get killed touching a publicly used doorknob, but I think it’s worth the risk to use doors. So in HOCD terms, you should move forward with your life and take the risk that you’re in denial. The alternative is to keep doing compulsions, which is only going to strengthen your obsession. Zach July 5, 2013 at 6:07 am - Reply Hello, im very new to this whole disorder and im not sure if i could be showing signs of it or not, but for the past few weeks i’ve had this nagging feeling that I might be gay, even though I’ve never had that feeling before in my life nor looked at a man like that. I keep giving myself evidence that I am straight like( and I don’t mean to be harsh or to blatant) having wet dreams about women, being aroused by women and even being aroused when dancing with or meeting a women, but I can’t get these constant thoughts out of my head. I’m 20 right now, and like I said before this is the first time this has happened. I’ve even resorted to looking at other men while driving or in magazines and asking myself, ” am i aroused by this?” just to make sure I am not, but I still get these thoughts. could I be suffering from hocd? thanks for any response. Jonathan Hershfield July 5, 2013 at 3:22 pm - Reply Zach, I can’t diagnose you from a blog post, but it sounds like OCD to me. You ned to stop trying to get the thoughts out — that’s what makes them try to get in. Checking your arousal and other “proof gathering” are also compulsions you would need to stop to get better. Rachel July 7, 2013 at 10:43 pm - Reply hello, I believe I am suffering from hocd since I had it with contamination, death and numbers. From this, its making me deny my sexuality, and I’ve always known I was straight before this, but this was triggered by a thought and I’m obsessing about this to the point where I dont want to see female friends or family. Can sexuality change? Jonathan Hershfield July 7, 2013 at 11:49 pm - Reply Hi Rachel, thanks for your comment. Since you have a history of OCD issues, you probably already know that avoidance and reassurance seeking are compulsions. I would recommend resisting the urge to avoid friends/family even if they trigger unwanted thoughts. I would also work on resisting asking reassurance-focused questions like whether sexuality can change. Justme July 8, 2013 at 2:39 pm - Reply Hello, I am a new suffer, HOCD to the max! Doubts, fears, anxiety, checking, compulsions, life wasting away looking to see if other people have what I have, you know things you have heard before. It seemed to happen overnight when I started seeing vivid pornographic images in my head. Then I was like, whats happening there, why did that happen, is that who I am? Oh right you heard it before! I was hoping to get some help looking for help 🙂 Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world, took a midnight train going anywhere. That sounds familiar….. But seriously I am driving 100 miles here one day, 100 miles here another day trying to find a good therapist/doctor. When I told my most recent therapist about my issues she took a step back and cringed. Gee, thanks lady. I did not go back. I am now on my last resort in the less than 3 hours range. After that we cannot afford treatment that’s more than a few hours drive. We are pushing our max budget as it is for help. The thought of no more hope makes me scared, I cannot live like this. I have no idea where to turn for help, help that is helpful. If I hear one more person tell me to take a hot bath or go for a walk I will scream–oh that was suggested too! No one listens to me and now one can even begin to help me! Am I looking at the wrong people for help? I been to all those “ocd helper” sites to find in my area people I should see. It seems they had no training for HOCD or even OCD. Do you have recommendations of where to go in the middle of Pa? Do you have any things that I should ask a therapist/doctor before I drive many many miles and possibly waste that time and effort? Things I should expect or notice if they are trained to help me? I get my hopes up that someone can help and I am gutted when they turn out to be untrained/uninformed. I do NOT want to try to do this alone, I feel like I can break my mind more than it is! I am trying to just live day by day until I get proper help but its very hard. It is taking a toll on my relationship with my husband. This HOCD has crept into the bedroom and it just makes me hard to be around. I am so depressed, I am so scared and I am so angry at the failures I faced. HOCD is hard, how can I be so sure that I am suffering from it and not gay and at the same time doubt that its really ocd and that I am truly gay. There are levels of many voices in my head, many say I turned gay, others say I have been gay, others say I am straight, some say that I have always been straight and there is one in there saying “what the heck is going on here?!” I appreciate any advice you are able to give out. I just hope to find someone, someone close that can help me before I start agreeing with the voice that says “everything is a lie, there is no hope, you have pushed away your husband, you have lost everything you have ever loved just kill yourself.” Jonathan Hershfield July 8, 2013 at 8:29 pm - Reply Hi Justme, sorry you’re having such a frustrating time getting the right help. If you’re in Pennsylvania, I recommend seeing if you can see Dr. Grayson or one of his colleagues at http://www.ocdphiladelphia.com. I know that’s too far away, but maybe they can see you via skype. As far as vetting treatment providers, you just need to know if they specialize in OCD (i.e. how much of their practice is ocd-focused) and if they have experience treating intrusive sexual thoughts (don’t lead with “HOCD” as most treatment providers don’t use this non-clinical term). The IOCDF has a good list of questions one might ask a potential therapist here: http://www.ocfoundation.org/treatment_providers.aspx Scroll down to where it says Important Things to Keep in Mind When Looking for a Therapist. Justme(again) July 8, 2013 at 2:56 pm - Reply I wanted to add I very much look forward to part 3! I find your articles easy to read and I suggested them to my husband. I hope that if he reads this he can really see what I am going through–that poor man puts up with so much of my questions, repetitious comments and avoidance. There should be classes for family members of suffers….wait maybe medals and awards. Jonathan Hershfield July 8, 2013 at 8:31 pm - Reply Thanks! I agree, family members need just as much support and deserve recognition when they are being supportive. In treatment, your husband will have to stop accommodating your compulsions. This can be started by you giving him permission to deny you reassurance. Wagner July 14, 2013 at 2:45 am - Reply Hi Jonathan! I am 27 years old and recently have become prettier. I used to be very thin and sloppy in the past. So I began going to the gym, changed my hair cut and beard, and now I consider myself attractive. But I always had social phobia and rarely could talk to women because of my fear. I only can express myself sexually when I’m on alcohol, at parties and keeping the relationships superficial. But now my sexual interest is almost zero and I’m avoiding my male friends for fear that they think I’m gay or am acting weird. My problem has much to do with social acceptance, with the desire to always look natural, not artificial, interesting. I keep watching myself, like an excess awareness, making sure I’m looking natural in front of others. It’s some kind of paranoia with others looking at me. What can you say about my case? I’m brazilian and really enjoy your articles, thanks for sharing your knowledge. Jonathan Hershfield July 14, 2013 at 3:53 pm - Reply Alo, Wagner. Two things that never work when it comes to social anxiety/HOCD are avoidance and checking (or self-evaluating). When you avoid men for fear that they will think something about you, it tells the brain that whatever you are avoiding must be very dangerous, that the thoughts of other people are knowable, and that these knowable thoughts are very important. All of these things are untrue. When you engage in the kind of checking you describe, constantly evaluating yourself to see if you are being “normal”, it makes you feel mechanical, synthetic, fake. And, guess what? THIS looks weirder than anything weird you might choose to do anyway. My advice is to work on reducing the alcohol intake (it’s a social anxiety compulsion that repeatedly tells your brain that you can’t handle social situations), increase interactions with men, reject mind-reading activities, and purposefully make self-expression choices without reviewing how they are being perceived. This might mean wearing some cool shirt, wearing your hair some different way, purposely looking somewhat groomed to be un-natural, interesting. Let them look. Wagner July 14, 2013 at 8:28 pm - Reply Thanks for your reply Jonathan, it means a lot to me. I think I understood what you proposed. I’ll try to put your advices in practice so I can regain my personality again. It’s like you said, I feel that my true self has been lost in the past and I want it back! hehe I always been a optimistic person, negativity it’s not the problem. I have confidence. What really brings me down its this social paranoia, this need to be perfect. Thanks again.. its nice to have someone to talk about the subject! Crippled July 16, 2013 at 6:38 pm - Reply Hi Dr, Thank you for the post, its very helpful. So are your answers to all the comments. Ive been struggling with what i think is HOCD for the past 4 years now and im going crazy. Ive never been interested in girls sexually or romantically (at least i think so) and ive always dreamt of being with a guy. Im constantly doing a lot of checking and questioning which have led me to 2 main questions that are now drivin me insane: 1) Ive always had intense friendships with some of my female friends (strong feeligs of bonding and intimacy, wanting to cuddle etc) is that normal?or are those signs that im a lesbian? 2) Also ive done a lot of testing where i imagine myself sexually woth other women. I started off being sure i didnt want it. It made me uncomfortable. Nevertheless, it got me aroused. Does being aroused mean that I want to be with women sexually or am i just beig aroused because in essence anything sexual could turn anyone on? If so, what differntiates me from an actual lesbian? Your answer would really help a lot… Jonathan Hershfield July 17, 2013 at 2:07 pm - Reply >>>Im constantly doing a lot of checking and questioning which have led me to 2 main questions that are now drivin me insane: —Since the compulsions of checking and questioning are only resulting in more questions, the goal should be to stop doing compulsions. 1) Ive always had intense friendships with some of my female friends (strong feeligs of bonding and intimacy, wanting to cuddle etc) is that normal?or are those signs that im a lesbian? —This question is a reassurance-seeking compulsion. 2) Also ive done a lot of testing where i imagine myself sexually woth other women. I started off being sure i didnt want it. It made me uncomfortable. Nevertheless, it got me aroused. Does being aroused mean that I want to be with women sexually or am i just beig aroused because in essence anything sexual could turn anyone on? If so, what differntiates me from an actual lesbian? —-This “testing” is a compulsion. The results that occur during this mental ritual are irrelevant. Trying to get certainty about what “differentiates” you from a lesbian is also a compulsion, but I would suggest that lesbians probably don’t spend much effort differentiating themselves from themselves. Crippled July 16, 2013 at 7:07 pm - Reply Imagining myself with a woman dreaks me out. I really dont want to be a lesbian. PLEASE HELP. Jonathan Hershfield July 17, 2013 at 2:10 pm - Reply It sounds like you are putting a lot of effort into testing hypotheses by imagining scenarios that exist exclusively in your mind. I have at times referred to this compulsion as scenario bending. It’s a trap. As for being freaked out by imagining things, you need to look at what freaking out about having thoughts says about how you treat your thoughts. Crippled July 17, 2013 at 9:33 pm - Reply Thank you for getting back to me dr. I know that you’re trying to avoid giving me answers since my questions are compulsions but some answers would really help me…id appreciate it a lot… Jonathan Hershfield July 18, 2013 at 12:59 am - Reply If you are identifying the questions as compulsions, then it is contradictory to state that me answering them would help you. In fact, it would be specifically hurtful to you to have them answered since the problem is one of not accepting uncertainty, as opposed to the problem being related to your sexual orientation. Let me have another go at the questions, see if I can do it without hurting you by participating fully in a compulsion. 1) Ive always had intense friendships with some of my female friends (strong feeligs of bonding and intimacy, wanting to cuddle etc) is that normal?or are those signs that im a lesbian? —My opinion is that it is normal to have feelings for people without them being indicators of sexual desire or orientation. I don’t know what it means for something to be a “sign” that you are lesbian. 2) Also ive done a lot of testing where i imagine myself sexually woth other women. I started off being sure i didnt want it. It made me uncomfortable. Nevertheless, it got me aroused. Does being aroused mean that I want to be with women sexually or am i just beig aroused because in essence anything sexual could turn anyone on? If so, what differntiates me from an actual lesbian? —-Sexual thoughts do cause sexual arousal, even when the sexual thoughts are unpleasant. Being sexually aroused AND enjoying it also does NOT suggest a specific orientation, just a specific experience. Meaning is attributed to this experience that has to do with how you are responding to it, not just having the experience itself. Identifying with an orientation is not exclusive to the presence or absence of sexual arousal. I don’t know how to answer the follow-up question except to say that you don’t seem to identify yourself as a lesbian, so that suggests you are probably not one. Trying to prove it is a compulsion. Crippled July 18, 2013 at 9:04 am - Reply Thank you soooo much!!! That helps a lot! julie July 18, 2013 at 4:52 pm - Reply hi sir i’m a 20 years old girlplease help me i’m really confused i can’t live anymore !!! i suffer from hocd from 6 years !! i always had straight dreams but from 3 months i had 2 gay dreams and i can’t live with any more i’m despreate ..!!! i’m with my boyfreind from 2 years i looooove him !!!! but this dreams kills me !! ok the first dream ( i dreamed that i’m surrounded by two naked girls but i didn’t saw their faces and they proposed me to have sex and it excited me and i woke up extreamly scared. the second is even harder i dreamed that a women i don’t know came to our house than she went out but suddenly i was like rubbing my body on a body without seeing her body or seeing what i’m doing exactly i was happy to be arousal and i said to myself ( finally i’m not cold any more because of this hocd but why i don’t get excited like this with my boyfreind ) and in this minute i realise that she is a women and say to my self ( but what are you doing she is a women ) and in this moment i saw her body because i didn’t see it before in the action and i’m not excited any more !!!!! and i woke up terrified PS : in my straight dreams persons that i dream of really like in reality and excite me in the dream because they are beautiful and sexy or …. but in those dreams i feel like not excited for them or whatever …. i don’t know what to do help me pleaaaaaaaaaaase i can’t live any more Jonathan Hershfield July 21, 2013 at 6:33 pm - Reply Julie, since we cannot control our thoughts, only how we respond to them, it makes very little sense to presume we can control the thoughts that happen while we’re asleep. The problem you are having is not with dreams, which are normal events that occur in the brain. You name it, I’ve either killed it or had sex with it (or both) in a dream at some point! The problem you are having has to do with the way you are responding to these thoughts. By treating them as threatening because they make you uncomfortable, you are actually making the obsession more powerful and the discomfort more overwhelming. Instead of analyzing and trying to figure out the content of your dreams, expect and accept that these thoughts simply happen and treat your ocd with cognitive behavioral therapy instead of analysis. Justin July 20, 2013 at 6:08 am - Reply Very interesting article. It makes so much sense but seems hard to follow through on. I just have a couple questions. I understand that this is just me being OCD about being gay. But that doesn’t necessarily make it go away. I know I’m very attracted to women in my heart. Always have been….. So why does it still not feel as great as it use to looking at girls. I know I’m not gay but it’s like a cloud hovers over ahead every time I picture myself with who I wanna be with…. Girls. I get what your saying. Pretty much don’t argue with being gay? Cause anytime a thought came in its that’s gross…. That’s not me….. In straight. And obviously it made it worse. I guess how do I know if im on the right track. With every thought and feeling do I just say its hocd? And move on? Really it’s only feelings that drives this. A gay thought comes in and it’s panic! Then with every single dude and girl you see it doesn’t feel right. When does it feel right again? With time? because I know thoughts are just thoughts big deal. But do I treat feelings the same? And when do the feelings back off and it doesn’t feel like something’s off with my sexual orientation? Am I trying too hard? Because it felt amazing when I thought about girls before and now I’m just trying to get it back because I know I’m not gay. Jonathan Hershfield July 21, 2013 at 5:51 pm - Reply Justin, it sounds like you are doing a lot of compulsions aimed at trying to prove to yourself that you are straight (including repeatedly stating it in your comment). Since you are already operating on the belief that you are straight, these efforts to prove it, especially in the presence of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, only confuses your brain into thinking there’s a debate going on. Rather than repeatedly label your unwanted thoughts and feelings as something alien, identify them as what they are – thoughts and feelings. Stop trying to “get back” to something and try to plant yourself in the present. The present happens to include some unwanted thoughts and feelings. Justin July 20, 2013 at 6:31 am - Reply I’m just trying to understand this more and take the right steps. Because you can’t just give up. Im doing much better than I used to be. Before all this the question of am I gay? Didn’t bother me because I would just say to myself no. No worries. No problem. Move on. But after one gay thought relating to the possibility of being gay all hell broke loose. It��s like I went from the straightess dude in the world to the being so insecure. No confidence in who I am. But taking a step back I’m still the same person. I still search for girls, check out girls, and date girls. Nothing changes. But in my mind it’s still such a pointless battle but I have trouble stopping it. You say this OCD topic is about fear of losing yourself. Thats so true it isn’t funny. I’m terrified that I won’t be the same straight person that I used to be. And the thing is…. I know I am. But in my mind… It just doesnt feel right. I wanna have peace in my mind when I think about a girl…. Have it just feel perfect like it used to…. And not have the thought of being with a dude as an option. Cause I severely do not want to be with one. What steps do I take from here? Im not panicking nor am I worried. Im ready to be rid of this and don’t want to fall any deeper. Just trying to grab some more understanding. Jonathan Hershfield July 21, 2013 at 5:53 pm - Reply I’m sure your experience resonates with a lot of other readers here. The best thing you can do is start treating your OCD with a specialist who has experience doing CBT and ERP. Justin July 21, 2013 at 4:19 am - Reply I saw in another comment you were saying to someone that in exposure therapy and response prevention the idea would be to watch a gay porn and leave open options for being gay and enjoying it? That actually works? I don’t doubt that it doesn’t but that just seems odd that thats the key. Because I don’t want the idea of being gay to cloud over in my mind. I don’t think I could bring myself to do that. Anything gay related grosses me out. I know…. Then why am I OCD about this. Because it doesn’t feel right. It feels like I’m kidding myself saying I’m grossed out. But when it comes down to it I’ve never done or seen anything gay related in my life. I just don’t want to. I can’t bring my self to do it. So why does the idea still bother me? Why won’t it start feeling right? Jonathan Hershfield July 21, 2013 at 5:55 pm - Reply Justin, the concept of an idea being able to “cloud” your mind is no different than a compulsive handwasher saying that the presence of a dirty feeling makes them contaminated. Your attempt to “feel right” instead of simply feel what you are feeling are compulsions. This is something you can address in cognitive behavioral therapy with an OCD specialist. Justin July 21, 2013 at 4:38 am - Reply One more quick question….. I was reading another comment you said earlier and it was something like move forward and accept you may be in denial. 1. That’s absolutely terrifying 2. It seems like when you tell yourself something you start to believe it… Which is what I’d be afraid of. That’s why I don’t understand exposure. Accept you might be gay and in denial but what’s to stop you from believing it and doing it? But from your experience that works. I don’t doubt that or what you say at all. It just seems bizarre that everything will resume back to normal if I accept that. I don’t wanna wake up one day and be like I don’t like girls anymore. Jonathan Hershfield July 21, 2013 at 5:59 pm - Reply The idea that telling yourself something leads to you believing it is nonsense. You’ve told me and yourself you’re straight multiple times in these comments alone and yet the HOCD hasn’t magically disappeared. Tell yourself that you’re a kangaroo and see how it affects your jumping skills. If you want to better understand ERP, besides getting treatment, there are several excellent books on the subject. I recommend Jonathan Grayson’s Freedom From Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as a good place to start. It’s clear you have a thirst for effective strategies for beating your disorder, so you deserve to learn the skills for getting well again. Justin July 21, 2013 at 7:26 pm - Reply I guess that makes sense. Yeah I’ll look into it. I appreciate it. Thanks Justin July 21, 2013 at 7:37 pm - Reply So I guess what your saying is words are just words? Telling myself I’m straight is just a word and won’t make me feel straight? Or for that matter telling myself in gay won’t make me feel gay? Theyre just words but the key is how we react when faced with intrusive thoughts and feelings? I think I’m grasping what your saying. Jonathan Hershfield July 22, 2013 at 8:37 pm - Reply Sounds good. Focus on the response and whether it is making the thought seem more important or less important. If you are reviewing, analyzing, and reassuring, then you are telling your brain that this is a thought that is very important and needs to be attended to. If you are acknowledging the presence of a thought, accepting the uncertainty of its meaning, and not doing compulsions, that would suggest to the brain that the subject can be dropped over time. Justin July 23, 2013 at 3:45 am - Reply Huh… So weird that one thought can turn into a monster and take over your whole life to where you can’t function. But the cure is so simple… Don’t give it the time of day. I don’t need to prove and tell myself every five minutes that I’m straight or I’m a guy or whatever it may be. Thanks for the response. Alexandra July 22, 2013 at 2:30 pm - Reply I have issues with worrying just in general that I like girls..I do have unwanted sexual thoughts as well and they can be terrifying..but I do get other thoughts that have nothing to do with anything sexual. I worry that maybe I like girls or I want to date them, I honestly don’t want to be thinking that and I don’t wanna have to marry or date a girl but I keep worrying and something makes it feel almost real, like I keep thinking that OMG I do! But I really don’t want to be thinking that, I get anxiety 🙁 a lot. I hate it. Also I worry about like what my family would think, I have told most of them what is going on but the ones I haven’t told I start to freak out thinking, “I haven’t told them anything, what if I really am gay and when they find out things become different, ” ..for example my uncle, i staed with them for a few days and he was talking about traching me how to drive a standars, and all of a sudden i started thinking “what if i am gay and he finds out and doesnt care about me as much, what if he doesnt want to teach me anymore or even want to be my uncle” i know that my aunt knows about everything and she has probably told him whats going on so he knows, and i also know that he wouldnt care, but i still cant help but worry… then I get scared because I had that worry and I think to myself “that’s what gay people worry about, they worry about what others will think of them, and the social repercussions” then i get scared because I had a few worries like that and then I start to worry that it’s all true and that I am really gay and just in denial or something because I worried about the same thing that gay people worry about. Can people with this kind of ocd worry about other things besides sexual thoughts?? Like in general just worry that they are gay, that they like girls or want to be with a girl, worrying about just other things besides sexual. I do worry about sexual things, a lot!! But I do have these other worries and it makes me scared that maybe other people don’t have these worries and that It means I really am actually gay. I just can’t seem to get away from worrying! If someone says something to me I will go off worrying about that, anything about this and even things that have nothing to do with being gay..like one night I was having (what my mom calls) an “episode” where I was completely freaking out because of my thoughts. I started wishing I could think about anything else and. Not be worrying about being gay, she told me that I was lucky, that some people worry about far worse like killing someone or pedophile thoughts etc. I shrugged it off as nothing but that night when I went to bed I was trying to stop worrying about being gay and what my mum had said popped into my head, and I started going off on worrying if I wanted to hurt someone, my family, I knew for sure that I didn’t want to at alllllll, but that didnt seem to stop me from worrying and thinking OMG maybe it’s real, maybe I do ..which scared the crap out of me….this went on for a few days but the whole time I was still worrying about being gay! When I would worry about the other thing and not being gay it would almost go away, but at the same time I would ask myself “am I gay or straight?” ndi still couldn’t find an answer which really scared me because I was hopping that because I was worrying about something else that my other fear would go away completely. It didnt but as soon as i started worrying about the gay thing again i stopped worrying about wanting to hurt my family, i knew i didnt want to hurt them. now I’m scared that because i didnt stop worrying about being gay t, like i stopped worrying about hurting someone, hat it means I really am gay… I am seeing an ocd specialist right now, I went on Thursday for the first time, and I’m going on Monday to start the therapy or treatment I think. I really want it to help but they told me that in order for it to work that I need to believe it will and I need to be wanting to do it. I’m not sure if I can do that’s, I really want this to go away but all of these worries feel so real and it scares me because if it feels real I don’t understand how it can all go away with just someone talking to me! I have talked to most of my family constantly for the past 3 and a half months and they haven’t helped , ant least not for longer than an hour or so… Do you have any suggestions on how I can go in with the right frame of mind? Like how can I tell myself that it will work? :s I really want it to, I want to be strait and to know that I am, but I don’t know how to think and believe that they will help me, I’m so scared that they won’t be able to 🙁 Alexandra July 22, 2013 at 2:41 pm - Reply Oops sorry for all the spelling mistakes, I’m on my ipad. I just in general really wan to know what can I do to make this go away? …some days I can say no I don’t wanna be with a girl, or no I don’t want to have sex with a girl…but then the next moment I’m thinking “we’ll maybe I do” or OMG I think I do but I don’t want to …or ..it feels real but I don’t want it to be!! I don’t want to like girls I don’t want to have to be with a girl or even think that I want to ..I get so much anxiety. Please do you have any suggestions of things that I can do on my own, I will be seeing the ocd specialist, ( who also told me that it is ocd, but for some reason I still don’t know how to believe here and stop worrying) but I want to try to stop this on my own too..I have a week before I go and I don’t want any of my worries to get worse 🙁 Jonathan Hershfield July 22, 2013 at 8:46 pm - Reply Stop trying to figure it out and accept that not having it all figured out makes you uncomfortable for now. Jonathan Hershfield July 22, 2013 at 8:45 pm - Reply >>>>I have issues with worrying just in general that I like girls.. —Worrying is a compulsion to assume control over something that cannot be controlled. Worrying about liking something doesn;t make much sense since you cannot control what you like, only what you do with the experience of liking it. >>>I do have unwanted sexual thoughts as well and they can be terrifying..but I do get other thoughts that have nothing to do with anything sexual. I worry that maybe I like girls or I want to date them, I honestly don’t want to be thinking that —If your efforts are spent telling yourself that you should not be thinking something, what do you think is the result? If thoughts are thoughts, not threats, then it does not matter what you happen to think about. >>>and I don’t wanna have to marry or date a girl but I keep worrying and something makes it feel almost real, like I keep thinking that OMG I do! But I really don’t want to be thinking that, I get anxiety a lot. I hate it. Also I worry about like what my family would think, I have told most of them what is going on but the ones I haven’t told I start to freak out thinking, “I haven’t told them anything, what if I really am gay and when they find out things become different, ” ..for example my uncle, i staed with them for a few days and he was talking about traching me how to drive a standars, and all of a sudden i started thinking “what if i am gay and he finds out and doesnt care about me as much, what if he doesnt want to teach me anymore or even want to be my uncle” i know that my aunt knows about everything and she has probably told him whats going on so he knows, and i also know that he wouldnt care, but i still cant help but worry… then I get scared because I had that worry and I think to myself “that’s what gay people worry about, they worry about what others will think of them, and the social repercussions” then i get scared because I had a few worries like that and then I start to worry that it’s all true and that I am really gay and just in denial or something because I worried about the same thing that gay people worry about. —These are common concerns people have with OCD. Excessively reviewing them makes them more problematic. >>>Can people with this kind of ocd worry about other things besides sexual thoughts?? Like in general just worry that they are gay, that they like girls or want to be with a girl, worrying about just other things besides sexual. —It is common in OCD to pbsess about more than one thing and/or various aspects of one thing. >>>I do worry about sexual things, a lot!! But I do have these other worries and it makes me scared that maybe other people don’t have these worries and that It means I really am actually gay. —Sounds like OCD. >>>I just can’t seem to get away from worrying! If someone says something to me I will go off worrying about that, anything about this and even things that have nothing to do with being gay..like one night I was having (what my mom calls) an “episode” where I was completely freaking out because of my thoughts. I started wishing I could think about anything else and. Not be worrying about being gay, she told me that I was lucky, that some people worry about far worse like killing someone or pedophile thoughts etc. I shrugged it off as nothing but that night when I went to bed I was trying to stop worrying about being gay and what my mum had said popped into my head, and I started going off on worrying if I wanted to hurt someone, my family, I knew for sure that I didn’t want to at alllllll, but that didnt seem to stop me from worrying and thinking OMG maybe it’s real, maybe I do ..which scared the crap out of me….this went on for a few days but the whole time I was still worrying about being gay! When I would worry about the other thing and not being gay it would almost go away, but at the same time I would ask myself “am I gay or straight?” ndi still couldn’t find an answer which really scared me because I was hopping that because I was worrying about something else that my other fear would go away completely. It didnt but as soon as i started worrying about the gay thing again i stopped worrying about wanting to hurt my family, i knew i didnt want to hurt them. now I’m scared that because i didnt stop worrying about being gay t, like i stopped worrying about hurting someone, hat it means I really am gay… —Again, I think you need to recognize that what you are calling “worrying” is really a mental ritual designed to give you a sense of certainty about the likelihood of your fears coming true. It’s a trap. >>>I am seeing an ocd specialist right now, I went on Thursday for the first time, and I’m going on Monday to start the therapy or treatment I think. I really want it to help but they told me that in order for it to work that I need to believe it will and I need to be wanting to do it. I’m not sure if I can do that’s, I really want this to go away but all of these worries feel so real and it scares me because if it feels real I don’t understand how it can all go away with just someone talking to me! I have talked to most of my family constantly for the past 3 and a half months and they haven’t helped , ant least not for longer than an hour or so… Do you have any suggestions on how I can go in with the right frame of mind? Like how can I tell myself that it will work? :s I really want it to, I want to be strait and to know that I am, but I don’t know how to think and believe that they will help me, I’m so scared that they won’t be able to —First, that’s fantastic that you’re seeing an ocd specialist. That alone suggests that some part of you understands what’s really going on here. The thing to remember is that the feeling of “realness” is not an indicator of reality. It’s a feeling. Feelings aren’t facts. I think what you really need to accept is that at some point, you are going to have accept the uncertainty of whether or not treatment will work and basically just do what the therapist suggests even if your OCD is telling you otherwise. This is very challenging, but it’s ultimately what will allow you to fight your OCD. Jeremy July 22, 2013 at 9:19 pm - Reply Hi Jon, I have been treated for HOCD with a specialist (not a lot of ERP though), and it it went away, since I also got into a relationship. However, as soon as that relationship ended (she broke up with me, I still loved her) the HOCD came back, which was also a past experience with dating girls. When that didn’t work out, the OCD returned. The OCD is fully back now, depending on the days. How come it keeps coming back so strong? One would expect that I learned to deal with it. Jonathan Hershfield July 23, 2013 at 12:29 am - Reply Sounds unlikely that you did much about the obsession without doing much ERP. More likely is that being in a relationship provided you with some combination of distraction and reassurance that you were less focused on mental review. Learning to deal with it necessitates doing enough exposure that when you have the thoughts, your response is not analysis and other compulsions. Justin July 25, 2013 at 5:49 am - Reply So I took your advice on the book you recommended. Very interesting. Focuses on accepting uncertainty such as I might die today, might be raped, or with everyone’s fear on the web page I might be gay. Accept what comes into my mind. There might be a day I wake up and wanna kiss the best looking dude I see. I understand that. But now I don’t think my problem is waking up gay. I think my ultimate fear over all of this is I don’t want to wake up one day and not like girls anymore. I said this earlier but the more I think about it that’s the main issue. I don’t have a problem with a thought coming in when im alone with a dude going what if I kissed him? I used to very much but it’s just a thought and on top of that if I did it I just realize that it’s not for me and that doesn’t mean I’m doomed to live a gay life now. Lol because I love girls. Always have. But…. What if I wake up and decide I don’t like girls anymore? It doesn’t feel like it used to with girls because I think im focused on it too much. Not that it’s bad it feels right… But it feels like a need to do a compulsion. So I guess how do I attack this? It’s all so confusing. Accept i might not like girls one day but I do like girls? Sounds stupid I know. But I severely don’t want to wake up not liking girls anymore. Im very attracted to and love the girl in with. How do I look at this? Jonathan Hershfield July 26, 2013 at 9:23 pm - Reply This is a common and pervasive issue for people with HOCD, the fear of losing interest in something that seems so much at the core of your identity. But if effort is put into feeling certain that something will not be lost, it will always feel like it is slipping away. Matt July 26, 2013 at 12:32 am - Reply I’m a 27 yr old male that has been in an off and on relationship with my partner for 8 years its been good at times but very bad at times as well.. We recently separated and things got ugly I couldn’t see my child and she was very abusive . I love away from my family and only moved to where we are living 2 years prior so as Icahn imagine everyday I was stressed and could not shake the anxiety everyday. I worried myself into thinking I was going to have a stroke at any minute and could hardly sleep at all.. I went to docs he said stress as a couple of days passed my girl went away for a week I was feeling ok till the day of her return I kept getting really tight chest and butterflies .. We had a big fight that night and that was that… At work my boss always likes to joke with gay things the next thing I new I was totally confused and so worried I was gay it has not passed in a week I have never got groinal response from man and still don’t .. Also my mum turned gay 10 years ago it didn’t effect me to much because she was never around as a child.. Please help someone ????? Jonathan Hershfield July 26, 2013 at 10:24 pm - Reply Hi Matt, the combination of health anxiety and this HOCD fear of “turning” gay sounds like an overriding fear that something will go terribly wrong that you can’t control. Since your relationship stressors also seem out of control, it makes sense that these types of obsessions would flare up. While it would be helpful to seek out ways to reduce the stress exacerbating your condition, I would also recommend getting cognitive behavioral therapy from someone who understands anxiety and ocd. Matt July 27, 2013 at 1:35 am - Reply Thanks a lot mate great words.. Was really starting to get worried I was not eating constantly checking for groinal response, dry mouth and getting really depressed…. I definitely need to reduce stress but in a really tight spot at the moment .. Didn’t think I was an OCD type but now I look back I can understand why.. This condition gets u so confused . I actually started to think I had schizophrenia last night and started googling symptoms…. Jonathan Hershfield July 27, 2013 at 11:25 pm - Reply Matt, stay off of google if you know what’s good for you! Matt July 28, 2013 at 12:46 am - Reply Yeah I will do its just to hard not to .. Like I said I have been attracted to women my hole life I’m 27 I have been in a relationship with a girl for 9 years I have never had trouble ever getting aroused over her or any girl it’s just so weird why this is happening ???? Really getting me down . The docs told me I have anxiety big time but I shouldn’t be going through this at my age… Could pocd lead to this because I have doubted us staying together for a while .. ???? Jonathan Hershfield July 29, 2013 at 1:41 am - Reply Matt, what does age have to with this? Also, did you mean ROCD (relationship obsessions)? If so, it’s not unusual for people who obsess about the authenticity or quality of relationships to also have a secondary obsession that the relationship can’t work because of some feared issue with sexual orientation. Matt July 29, 2013 at 2:26 am Sorry didn’t mean to confuse u with the age thing u was just asking why if through my hole life I haven’t had this before for it to be happening now ??. Jonathan Hershfield July 30, 2013 at 5:43 pm Because now you are doing compulsions in response to your fearful thoughts. Justme(back again) July 29, 2013 at 2:31 pm - Reply Hello, I left a message back on the 8th of July. Since then I have found a (so far) very good doctor to help me with this OCD I have been having. Just knowing that he maybe able to help me has made me feel better…for a while. On my second visit we did an in depth OCD checklist, forms and a billion questions. One of them was something like “Do you have reoccurring thoughts and fears of being gay or becoming gay?” and I just about fell over. He asked it and I had to say it out loud! Oh god..out loud?! He mentioned that exposure to my fears, exposure to my thoughts would be the key to overcoming this and that just scared me. I have to wait 3 weeks till my next appointment and he mentioned this at the end. I walked out a little panicky but each day that passes makes me more panicked. I keep with the fear of if its always in my face what if I just give in, isn’t that “exposure” teaching me to accept what I am afraid I am but feel I am not. If I am offered a drink of water every 5 minutes but do not feel thirsty I would eventually accept the water. Hey, who knows… I guess I could be thirsty and drink that glass of water! I get such fear, panic and I constantly check my response to any female that might even be considered attractive in anyway…well, I guess I check with all females. I find that I try to “compensate” by looking at men and checking the same way…just to be dealt a fear and panic of do I get the same response from this man, who is good looking as a woman who is good looking. I feel trapped by things that I cannot stop and cannot control. Before this I could look at a photo of a woman in a swimsuit and not see her womanly features and feel that “ping” of (maybe?) arousal, I would see a woman in a swimsuit that may or may not be cute or what ever. I would barely notice the woman, I would see the advertised swimsuit– I might envy her airbrushed skin but nothing like whats happening. Does America realize how over sexualized ads, tv shows, movies and daily life is? Why are there scantly dressed women everywhere, why are tv shows mainly about sex, why are ads for beer women jumping up and down hitting a ball. I feel like I am surrounded and being force fed perfect women bodies, I noticed this before but never had that “ping” felling and was never scared that I was sexually attracted to them. I am so tired, this is taking up so much of my life. I am so scared that I will accept this new lifestyle that is being shoved down my throat. I don’t want to, but I think my body does. What the hell is this “groinal response”, is it proof, it is lies, is it fake? I am scared that because I have googled what I was unsure of in the beginning and read others stories that my mind is forming the perfect hocd pattern to hide that I am gay. My mind is turning inanimate objects into feminine body parts instantly. A pair of scissors is (before I can even think about it) turned into a smooth pair of female legs and “ping” something happens in my body. I cannot eat an ice-cream cone, I cannot even move my tongue when I hear the word lick. If I move it that sexual activity comes to mind, if I move it that means I want to do that. So here I am for hours not able to move my tongue, feeling like I will choke on it and panicked over that thought. This OCD is truly painful, its life altering and its very damaging to what I thought I was. I have never felt this much emotional pain. Its ongoing but for me to calm down I have to check, research about reactions, avoid women and all that. I am seriously scared that deep down I am a lesbian who “stole” hocd symptoms and is playing them off as mine. Now I feel the need to combat that statement with 50 reasons why that’s not true, 50 reasons why I am straight and not gay. Oh and what happens if because I said that it puts it in your mind as full proof I am really a lesbian? Before whats happening to me now I could say that I love Charlize Theron, that she is one of the most beautiful women out there, but now its like I have to say “no woman is beautiful, no woman is attractive!” because if I thought that they were its proof. Ocd seems to be quite the vicious little bug. It seems that its powerful, because we are weak and let it take over our bodies, minds and lives. I feel such empathy for everyone else suffering, but seriously what the heck is going on with us. Jonathan Hershfield July 30, 2013 at 7:36 pm - Reply Happy to hear you found an ocd therapist and I hope they can help you navigate your disorder. Don’t forget that all the “checking” you are doing is the problem, not the solution. As for sex in advertising, that’s not new. The amount of advertising and the quality of the image is all that’s really changed. When you have OCD, it’s common to get tunnel vision, or to selectively pull things from your environment from your environment that relate to your obsession and make it seem like it’s trying to tell you something. If you had Harm OCD, you’d be telling me how awful it is that so many shows involve murder. Do the work your ocd therapist asks. And tell yourself you love how beautiful Charlize Theron is. Bob Thompson July 29, 2013 at 9:24 pm - Reply Hi John, thanks for your insight, it is very much appreciated. I have struggled with this theme for some time, and have done much better, but I have one question. In the above article, you referenced identifying the obsessive thoughts as “another hocd thought”. I fear that this can be reassuring in nature but my natural instinct is to agree with this assessment. You then answered a question about brain lock stating that Schwartz was more quick to label those thoughts as ocd thoughts when in reality, everyone has these bizarre thoughts. I have to deal with those intrusive thoughts and images and they still disturb me that I get them. Not so much where I need to agree with them anymore as a form of erp, but I also don’t want to label them as “hocd thoughts” either bc it is reassuring. Since, they are less frequent, but still there, what would you recommend I do? Thanks for the response. Jonathan Hershfield July 30, 2013 at 7:39 pm - Reply Bob, I agree that it gets into somewhat murky territory when you start labeling thoughts as being “HOCD” or otherwise. Thoughts are thoughts, that’s all. The point I am trying to make is that you are better off acknowledging the presence of these thoughts and viewing them as “another” in a series of typical thoughts instead of unique and worthy of special attention. I would suggest you simply notice when you are having a thought with this content, accept that it is the thought going through your head, and do as little as possible in response that might suggest it is especially interesting or worth responding to. Bob July 31, 2013 at 6:50 pm - Reply Thanks John. One more thing. When this first started for me, I would get tremendously uncomfortable and jolted with anxiety when seeing “gay” people or good looking men. I used to imagine myself being intimate with them and would get a feeling of not liking it/disgust as a compulsion. Now that I am going through a regimented program, that has ceased. However, I now get the same thing now when seeing good looking women. I guess it is a warning to tell me to do something to prove I am still attracted to them. But, I am not sure why I am getting it. My fear is that this could mean I am gay bc now I get this sensation when seeing women instead of men. When writing this, I realize that the fear is still ocd driven (fear this could mean I am gay). Have you heard of symptoms like these before and would you recommend that I encourage my brain to bring on more of these jolts/feelings when seeing women bc this means I am gay as a form of erp? Thanks and I look forward to your reply. Jonathan Hershfield August 2, 2013 at 11:56 pm - Reply Hi Bob, it sounds like the OCD has simply changed its attack point from “what if I’m attracted to men?” to “what if there’s something off about my attraction to women?” It’s a trap. The answer to both questions is accepting uncertainty, not doing compulsions, making choices in life and accepting the consequences of those choices when they are present. You could do ERP to purposefully triggering “bad” feelings in response to women and/or you might do some imaginal scripting on the idea that you have lost your ability to be heterosexual the “right” way and that these responses are evidence. Jen August 3, 2013 at 6:02 pm - Reply Hi Jonathan. I just want to say thank you for your articles! I can’t wait for the third. They are the clearest that I have come across about Sexual Orientation OCD and your sections on gay in the moment and I’m even gayer than that made me smile and in a way brought some peace to my mind. I had this type of OCD and through medication and counselling I got better, I have relapsed this year and I’m on medication again and awaiting CBT treatment. I just want to say for those who have left comments in distress that it can and does get better. Thanks again. Jonathan Hershfield August 3, 2013 at 10:37 pm - Reply Jen, thanks so much for the feedback and I’m happy the articles are helpful for you! And I appreciate you letting others know here that people do get better. Part 3 is already up, you can read it at http://ocdspecialists.com/2013/07/hocd-sexual-orientation-ocd-part-three-the-groinal-response/. kate August 4, 2013 at 6:06 pm - Reply hi can you help me please i suffer from hocd from 7 years i havea huge probleme i’m going die one day i was watching a movie suddenly a men kisses his wife’s toes , i suddenly remembered that when i was 8 and my brother 6 he always kissed my toes ( childhood games ) so i said why i don’t try to imagine a woman leg and star kising her toes and see if i’m excited or not just to be calm and this idea won’t hunt me .. so i started and trying to do the exact moves that my brother were doing to me while imaging the toes where in my mouth and suddenly i feel arousal whyyyyyyy please ??? i never liker women legs never want to do it !!!! i feel that i’m going to die …. Jonathan Hershfield August 4, 2013 at 9:27 pm - Reply Hi Kate, I’m not clear on why you are engaging in this ritual, supposedly for self-reassurance, but in any case this type of behavior is always going to backfire. Creating hypothetical scenarios for the purpose of testing your reaction not only fuels your obsessive fears but also makes the reaction totally unreliable anyway. You feel arousal because you feel arousal. Probably the most likely reason is you are trying not to. The bigger issue is that you are clinging to the distorted notion that being aroused by the idea of a woman’s leg has something to do with sexual orientation. In any case, I would discourage you from acting out pieces of theater like this for your OCD to latch onto. silvano August 7, 2013 at 10:06 pm - Reply Hi, I have always considered myself as heterosexual but i have always had intrusive gay/transvestic/transexual thoughts. The thoughts usually come during the night or early morning when i wake up. They are not dreams, since i’m awake, may be just a little confused by dreams, actually often the thoughts start in a dream and continue when i wake up from the dream. Lately the thoughts are not very frequent but when present it has happened that they led me to masturbate with those thoughts, and this made me feel bad after. The thoughts themselves are not necessarily a problem for me, I can accept that ‘thoughts are just thoughts’. I have read various suggestions to not try to suppress the thought when it comes, and it seems this has made things go better. Anyway i’m still worried about the possibility that the thought comes again and excites me to a level it leads me to masturbate. The problem in my view is not much the thought but the action that may follow (though it is a masturbation activity and not an activity with other men) So from my point of view i would like to know if, when the thought comes, the only thing to do is ‘do nothing’ or better options exist. silvano August 7, 2013 at 10:35 pm - Reply My last sentence is unclear. I’ve read that when having unwanted thoughts it’s better not to try to suppress them, not try to judge them, not to check yourself for arousal. So it is suggested to avoid to do some things. Clearly someone who is worried about the possibility to act on the thoughts asks himself if suggestions are all there (more or less), if they are all things to avoid to do or other suggestions exist Jonathan Hershfield August 7, 2013 at 11:04 pm - Reply Silvano, the key to healthy living is acceptance of the present. If you are analyzing why you had arousal, you are living in the past. If you are analyzing whether you could be gay, you are living in the future. Your question if I understand it, is about whether a person should be concerned about actions. I believe people are in control of their actions. If you choose to masturbate to an arousing thought, I think you should own that choice and not spend much effort trying to sort out what it means. If you choose not to masturbate to an arousing thought, that is also a choice you can own. The idea that masturbating to something will automatically make you start having sex with men doesn’t make sense to me. If it were true, all men who watched porn would also use prostitutes. Rita August 8, 2013 at 6:08 pm - Reply English is not my native language, so I’m sorry for my mistakes. I just wanted to say that I’m sufering from these thoughts for about a month now. I have a boyfriend, I love him very much but still I can’t get theses thougts of my head. I feel so tired now, I can’t work, I can’t rest, I’m constatly nervous. I’m very happy that the first thing I googled was your articles about this disorder, it calmed me for a while and I’m not so scarred to go see the therapist. Thank you 🙂 Jonathan Hershfield August 11, 2013 at 8:47 pm - Reply Hi Rita, happy to hear the articles were helpful and sorry to hear you are suffering so. Trying to get thoughts out of your head is a strategy that does not work. Thoughts go through us, not in and out. The goal should be to accept the presence of unwanted thoughts as they pass by and not get in their way. Seeing a therapist may be scary, but it may also help you if you can find someone who knows how to treat ocd. Aaron August 11, 2013 at 7:47 pm - Reply Wow , thank you soo much for this article !!! I have been battling this for 5 months now. Sad part is I am crazy in love with my girlfriend , we were forced to be apart for one year, 8 months in and I got this , it’s been hard because not only do I constantly worry about turning gay but I also worry my girlfriend is not right because I have lost all feelings , yet I couldn’t be without her. I realized that its my ocd and told her everything . I’m still with her and I’m not giving up, I see her next week and its scary to not know what I am, I spend way to much time obsessing and not enough time enjoying my girlfriend . I also find myself trying to avoid sex all the time because last time we had it , I didn’t enjoy it as much and I was worried the whole time thinking it was because I was gay. Reading articles like this give me hope. I have good and bad days but I am slowly improving . I’m trying to focus on my job more because I was so scared I would get attracted to my co workers that I hid in the bathroom and researched for reinsurance that I was straight. It’s really hard to not check or try to think about woman compulsively but I hope to get treatment soon. Thanks for giving hocd suffers hope that they can get the life that they enjoyed back. Jonathan Hershfield August 11, 2013 at 8:39 pm - Reply Hi Aaron, one of the tricks the ocd is using against you is getting you avoid things that make you uncomfortable. This results in a reduced tolerance for discomfort, making the initial problem even worse. So the fact that your last sexual experience was less than enjoyable is a bad reason to avoid it. Instead, you should go ahead and have sex and purposely accept that it may not be very good right now. Once you have demonstrated to your brain that you can commit to behaviors even in the presence of unwanted thoughts, it will no longer allow the ocd to use the unwanted thoughts to disrupt those behaviors. Now go have some mediocre sex! Aaron August 11, 2013 at 10:33 pm - Reply Thanks I’m gonna try to, it’s been tough because my anxiety is really bad and it feels like there is no hope, I feel like a complete alien and do not feel like me at all. I hope I can get treatment before everything I work so hard for dissapears because of this OCD . I’m suffering really bad right now Aaron August 12, 2013 at 1:52 am - Reply I am also freaking myself out when I see people saying hocd doesn’t exist and I freak myself out when I here story’s about Ellen degeneris coming out, I fear that that could happen to me, but in reality she never felt like she was truly straight , as for me , I never questioned it and aways felt comfortable with being strait. I wish people would post stuff like that because when I see it my head goes crazy. Jonathan Hershfield August 12, 2013 at 5:13 pm - Reply Aaron, a few things you need to be aware of in order to get better… First, you are using the internet as a compulsion. There’s nothing wrong with reading some articles and getting some useful info. But my guess is you are sifting through the web looking for reassurance at this point, and that is sending a message to your brain that there is a big important debate going on about your sexual orientation and not just some ocd junk. Often times the first thing I have to ask my clients to do is stop reading my articles. The other thing you need to remember is that it is irrelevant what other people say. It is impossible to know their motivations because it is impossible to read their minds. Someone tried to post a comment on this very blog recently about how HOCD is silly because there is no such thing as homosexuality. People can say HOCD doesn’t exist, OCD doesn’t exist, praying to the flying spaghetti monster is the only treatment that works, etc etc etc. It’s irrelevant. Finally, you have to label the mental review of other people’s “coming out stories” as a compulsion. Ellen is Ellen. Whether she always knew she was gay or just woke up one more morning under a pile of lesbians, it doesn’t matter. She’s another person and that provides no information about who you are. So comparing yourself to people only serves as a compulsion. This shows up in Harm OCD a lot, by the way, in which sufferers will scour the web researching serial killers looking for similarities and differences to prove they would never be that way. It’s a trap. Bret walters December 11, 2013 at 8:51 am - Reply My sister, 30 year old female, smart girl, thinks planets (yes…planets) don’t exist. On a serious note, thanks for this post Jon, I am guilty of the Googling and researching for hours on end. In fact thats what I’m doing now. Need to stop this behavior. Jonathan Hershfield December 11, 2013 at 8:02 pm - Reply Well, they may not, but then I may not exist either. If you’re reading this, you should stop. Aaron August 12, 2013 at 11:12 pm - Reply Thanks , it’s been hard because it feels soo real!!! It’s really hard to deal with because it is affecting my relationship . Also it really sucks because I lost my viginity to my girlfriend , but I came down with this a week before and didn’t know what it was. So the whole time I was freaked out thinking I could be gay . It’s been really bad ever since because it was hard to even kiss her because the anxiety was crazy bad. But before the OCD I was soo happy and every kiss with her turned me on soo much. But ever since I can’t feel my love for her and it adds to the anxiety . How can I help get my life back ? Jonathan Hershfield August 14, 2013 at 11:13 pm - Reply You have to stop checking to see if your love for her is sincere. That’s like trying to tickle yourself. It automatically makes it feel synthetic. Work on accepting your thoughts and feelings as they are in the moment, without debate. Though this may mean experiencing some anxiety, it is the only way to reduce the obsession. Otherwise, it’s just more compulsions. Aaron August 14, 2013 at 11:24 am - Reply It’s been hard and I never feel turned on anymore because I always feel sick to my stomac and I feel drained. Is that a part of hocd to? Jonathan Hershfield August 14, 2013 at 11:14 pm - Reply It’s a common sign of anxiety and/or depression, with or without hocd. Claire August 26, 2013 at 12:24 pm - Reply Great article, I really wish this is my case. I apologize in advance for my mistakes, but English is not my mothertongue. I’m 28 and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve been dealing with this HOCD for ten years now… Here’s my story: At 18 I went to a party and noticed a girl: I came back home and got some serious anxiety. I couldn’t sleep that night and talked to my parents immediately about it. I’ve never thought about being gay before, it seemed something so far away from me. I’ve always liked boys and had fantasies about them (people I knew or Celebrities/Tvshow characters). From that point I started obsessing, thinking I could be aroused by my classmates… I couldn’t look at magazines nor watch Dawson’s Creek (you know when Jack came out!). Talked to my GP who said it was just an obsession. I had a strong crush on a guy at that time! Flashforward a few years I got anxiety again: went to see a psychologist who once again said it was just an obsession and fear to be alone… It happened again two years ago when I was finishing my master and entering the work world: talked to a psyco once and he told me to let my thoughts go away and stopped ruminating (?). But that lingering feeling is always there: I get anxiety everytime I see some same-sex scene on tv, when I meet some lesbians… Recently a friend of mine I hadn’t seen in a year came out and now I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve been in love with a guy for several years and he recently got married… Everytime I see him (he’s one of my bestfriend) I have “butterflies”, but then I start thinking “What if it’s just denial? What if I’m repressing?”. I went on holidays with him (and his wife + other friends) and I truly enjoyed the moments we spent alone, dreaming he would kiss me. I’ve always dreamt of having a family with a man, I’m very girly and love romantic movies/books/films with cute actors. My parents say they know me better than myself and they would know. They think I’m trying to get over the married guy (whom they know) by having these thoughts… Right now I’m at work and have a lesbian colleague: so anxious! I don’t have problems with gay boys, as we enjoy the same stuff (clothes, gossip…). Every time I meet someone new I’m afraid they think I’m gay or that I could fall in love with them! I had 4 therapy sessions recently: my therapist suggested I write down every thoughts in order to detach them from me. He also said he doesn’t think I’m gay, that I’m just lacking experience in the love department. I was always too focused on school and on finding my prince charming, that I didn’t try anything with anyone. He suggested I did some sports or cooking classes to meet people and to stop thinking about that married guy, Jonathan Hershfield August 27, 2013 at 2:25 am - Reply Hi Claire, thanks for sharing your story. I’ve seen many people who for one reason or another (mostly anxiety or getting stuck on unrealistic relationships) never managed to connect with another person enough to form a relationship. As they watch their peers pairing up, they start wondering if there is something “wrong” with them. If they have OCD, it is always happy to provide an answer to that question! Your family has an interesting theory, that you are obsessing about homosexuality in an attempt to get over your fixation on this unavailable man. But my guess is you would have this obsession anyway (or some other obsession), so the area you need to focus on is treating the OCD. I’m not sure what your therapist means when it is suggested to write down the thoughts for the purpose of detaching from them. Writing them down may be helpful, but the main objective needs to be accepting that they are thoughts, that they exist, and that there is always uncertainty about what they mean. Rather than trying to resolve this uncertainty, you should be investing your attention in more meaningful things. BT August 26, 2013 at 10:18 pm - Reply Is ROCD real? Are feelings about someone you care about that are either or wanted or unwanted and making sure of what I am feeling something that qualifies as rocd? Jonathan Hershfield August 27, 2013 at 2:30 am - Reply You would probably benefit from a more thorough assessment, but having treated people with relationship obsessions many times, I would attest to it being something real. BT August 27, 2013 at 6:48 pm - Reply Thanks for the response. I have been dx with OCD in the past and have been told that OCD can bounce to different topics. It appears to now attached to my significant other and whether or not i am with the right person. I think sometimes i have feelings that i want and others that i don’t want and feel pretty sure about them, but then compulsively analyze them to ensure i am feeling the way that i want or don’t want. It is tough to tell sometimes if i actually feel the way i do which in turn then makes me analyze it and then want to do something about it. Does that make sense? Sorry to be vague, but i guess to sum it up, i am just trying to be sure that i feel the way i think i feel? Jonathan Hershfield August 29, 2013 at 10:57 pm - Reply Emotion-checking is the major culprit in relationship obsessions. The problem is that the act of checking and testing your emotions automatically makes them appear synthetic or forced. You then end up comparing these invented feelings (that you brought up just to check) against the real, spontaneous feelings you feel and see them as coming up short. the key is to simply accept the way things feel moment to moment and not allow emotional reasoning to compel you toward OCD behaviors. In other words, just be present in the relationship as it is, even if this coincides with feelings that are inconsistent. You can’t be sure you feel the way you think you feel. Trying to do the impossible does not lead to improvement. Instead, act as if you have what you want already. I am writing this email from Los Angeles, where an earthquake could destroy me at any moment. My current behavior indicates that I am ok with this. SY September 1, 2013 at 11:34 pm - Reply hi jon, im not gonna sit here and write everything in detail….im here suffering HOCD (i hope) it all started from having ED on a few occasions.. i googled and read up over 500 posts and forums such as (porn induced ed) (HOCD) etc….. all my life ive been attracted to women and had a very high sex drive… YES i have abused porn and masturbated to extreme fetishes such as tranny/gay porn… why??? (i dont know) ever since this ed started to happen i panicked and googled all symptoms,, i went to the doctor and he ruled out physical problems and said i had a mental block… THEN THE HOCD HIT…. i had severe anxiety attacks started vomitting, reading up on denial forums and forums saying i should quit porn and masturbation for months to rewire my brain… im so stressed and depressed, i constantly checked and asked questions, i dont feel aroused by women anymore and these voices in my head are there from the moment i wake up to the moment i sleep…. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY,,, !! today is the main problem….. i woke up with hardly any anxiety and EXTREMELY tired… but with a feeling of acceptance and im gay!! theres a voice in the back of my head telling me this is what i want and its normal??? im scared that im coming out as gay…. but i dont like men!!!!!! 🙁 i want to fall for women again and have that feeling and attraction i have always had… why all of a sudden this feels right???? is this normal? Jonathan Hershfield September 2, 2013 at 12:47 am - Reply Hi SY, thanks for sharing your story. It’s not unusual for men with anxiety to experience ED and for that ED to be used as fuel for an obsession about sexual orientation. It’s also not unusual for people engaged in a painful battle with uncertainty to start telling themselves they are gay, primarily as a strategy for relieving the pain associated with doubt. I’m not an expert on pornography addiction, but it does sound like too much time spent viewing it may be contributing to your anxiety. In any case, to beat the obsession, some things will have to be stopped. The checking and the reassurance seeking (especially the googling) should be at the top of the list. The best way to tackle this would be a structured course of CBT with someone who specializes in treating OCD. James September 3, 2013 at 4:16 am - Reply I was diagnosed officially with this form of OCD about 2 weeks ago. It’s been an issue in my life for almost 20 years and I never had a name for the problem. I’ve lost my friends due to my behaviour which caused rumours floating around about me about being a homosexual. Then I lost my wife and she took our son with her. That was 3 years ago. Now I am alone and feel isolated and alone in a world of “normal” people. I hate myself and the only thing that has kept me from killing myself is thinking of what that would do to my son. One of my compulsions is thinking about what life would be like living with a man and coming home from work saying “honey I’m home!”. I just can’t see it being my future so it calms me down for the moment and I carry on with life, waiting until my next “spike” of the gayness. I have a longing in me to meet a woman to fall in love with, but I’m afraid she won’t understand this problem and I will get rejected. Or, even worse, I won’t tell her I have this problem and lie all the time about how I’m feeling. This is utter hell. Jonathan Hershfield September 5, 2013 at 12:11 am - Reply Hi James, it sounds like you have lost a lot to your OCD. I’ve treated a few people who went decades with this obsession without really understanding it was just OCD. It’s never too late to demand to be well again. What are you doing for treatment to get your life back? Eleazar September 9, 2013 at 7:55 am - Reply Dear Dr Hershfield, This is an interesting article that you wrote. I identified with a lot of what you wrote as I had HOCD for a long time, but after speaking to some gay men online I came to the conclusion that I am not gay. I see that you only give two options at the end of your article: (1) the HOCD sufferer either accepts that he is straight and employs cognitive behavioural therapy (tools) to subdue the OCD or (2) he lives his whole life living with the OCD. There is a third option: the person accepts that he is gay. What do you say about this third option? Kind regards, Eleazar Jonathan Hershfield September 9, 2013 at 8:37 pm - Reply Third option makes sense if he is gay. I don’t think “the HOCD sufferer accepts that he is straight” is an accurate reflection of what I am saying. A better way of putting it is that the HOCD sufferer accepts that he may be gay or may not be, but is going to choose a lifestyle that most aligns with his values (which could be straight) and us the tools available not to obsess about it. The larger issue is that people with OCD struggle to accept uncertainty. If you have an unwanted thought, the disorder makes you want to establish certainty that the unwanted thought is untrue. Since this cannot be done, the compulsive efforts to achieve this certainty only lead to more doubt and over-attention to the obsession. If a person is not oriented to the same sex, but has an obsession about this, they do have to accept the possibility that they could be wrong. However, arbitrarily assuming that you are something only because you have a fear of being that thing doesn’t make much sense. silvano September 15, 2013 at 2:32 pm - Reply Thanks for responding to my previous message. You say that people are in control of their actions. Actually my experience is the following: it happens that i masturbate when having the unwanted thoughts, but after that i am ashamed about this so in this moment i tell myself i won’t do it again, but then a week later it happens again, and so on. I also read some article from ocdla and for instance the following http://www.ocdla.com/blog/ocd-thought-suppression-1249 They say ‘the most effective behavioral response to unwanted thoughts is to allow them to exist while making no effort whatsoever to control or change them’. Now the problem is, since my thoughts tell me (more or less) to do sexual activity, and so to masturbate, trying not to masturbate would mean trying to suppress the thought, more or less. This seems to confirm i cannot choose not to masturbate … . Jonathan Hershfield September 20, 2013 at 2:42 pm - Reply Silvano, I disagree. Suppressing a thought is not the same thing as risking a behavior. If you decide you do not want to masturbate, that is your choice. If you want to commit to that choice, you will have to do so while also having thoughts about wanting to do it. You will have to accept, not attempt to neutralize or suppress, those thoughts and choose not to engage in the masturbation behavior anyway. In fact, one could argue that masturbating in response to the thoughts when you have told yourself you believe this behavior does not benefit you is basically an attempt to stop thinking about it. silvano February 8, 2014 at 1:11 pm - Reply After reading various articles and parts of books and finding possibly helpful ideas but not clearly resolutive ones, I am now trying to focus on commitment to the choice of not masturbating with those thoughts. Anyway it seems it can be difficult, because the thoughts come and display the homosexual/transvestic behaviour as something i want to do, in the moment. After masturbating with the thoughts i feel bad and generally for about 7-10 days the thought do not even come, or are so weak that they don’t create problems. Perhaps the bad feeling i had after masturbating with the thoughts persuades me this behavior does not benefit me, but after that period something triggers me and i don’t remember the bad feeling and i cannot persuade myself that the behavior is really conterproductive (this usually happens in the night or early morning when I just woke up from sleep and I have not much control of my thoughts and feelings and actions). Clearly we cannot have certainty about counterproductivity of such behavior, i suppose, just because we cannot be certain of our sexual orientation and similar things. I think to continue trying to commit to my choice of not masturbating, but I also ask myself how to be more effective in such commitment and where can I find information about this. silvano February 8, 2014 at 3:06 pm - Reply i also fear that prohibiting this behavior of masturbation could make it more rewarding and thus ineffective or counterproductive silvano February 9, 2014 at 4:03 pm After thinking more about it, i think that one root (if not the only one) of the problem can be testing, as you explain in part 4 where you say: the root of all HOCD evil is testing. I’ll also try to focus on it. Jonathan Hershfield February 11, 2014 at 7:42 pm - Reply What you are describing sounds like a form of sexual addiction. The issue is not about whether it feels good or whether it makes you gay, straight, bi, or whatever. The issue is that you are repeatedly engaging in behaviors that you are repeatedly telling yourself not to engage in. Whether or not the behavior is harmful is somewhat secondary to the fact that you appear not to have control over the behavior. I am not a specialist in this area, but I would look for therapists in your area who specialize in sexual addiction and get their input. Sarah September 17, 2013 at 6:12 am - Reply I think I’ve experienced this, but I think my fear of being gay was never even in a sexual way, e.g. When I was 12, some kid at school called me ‘gay’ (for whatever reason kids call each other names!). But although I had always liked guys and had their posters on my wall, this became an obsessive fear for the next approx. 6 months. I think it was triggered because I went on a 6 month trip overseas – away from my close extended family, friends, school (I was also between elementary and jnr high). So in retrospect I think the fear was more of a fear of being alone/excluded, etc. When I returned home I went to school and had a reasonably normal life and the fear went away. Although more than 10 years later I felt the fear come back. I’m now in my mid 20s and earlier this year have started a new job and moved to a new city where I don’t know ANYONE! Someone at my new job randomly commented ‘oh you are straight’ when I was talking about guys and I wondered why she would question that about me, but just shrugged it off. But now I’ve been here a few months longer and havent made any friends and the fear has come back, but again I think it seems to be more about things associated with being gay (exclusion/being alone/outcast, etc) than actually a same sex thing. As an adult I can recognise sexually is not a black and white thing and whilst there have been some females I have looked up too (in admiration – wanting to be like them, rather than with them), when I have rational moments I kind of laugh and realise I’m probably feeling alone and excluded leading to a fear of being gay (I have done ‘tests’ too using google images and become reallly aroused by pics of guys). I’m not sure if I should just let this pass of see a therapist? Kind of worried they will just tell me I’m in denial? Jonathan Hershfield September 20, 2013 at 2:47 pm - Reply Sarah, many people experience HOCD simply as a construct of social anxiety. It begins with mind reading that people think something negative about you. Then that thing becomes the word “gay” and then you begin to personalize your behavior and the behavior of others into some “evidence” that you either appear gay or are so far in “gay denial” that everyone but you knows it and is pretending not to. You become uncomfortable around people and begin to isolate. Then your OCD uses the fact that you are not being social as evidence that you are gay. If you begin being social with men or women, your OCD will tell you THAT makes you gay. Until you accept the thoughts and choose your behaviors independently from the OCD, whatever you do will seem like evidence of gayness. Impossible to know if an incompetent therapist will tell you that you’re in denial. If the intrusive thoughts and obsessive ruminating on the subject is interfering in your quality of life, I would recommend you see an ocd specialist who is likely to understand your symptoms. Philippe September 20, 2013 at 2:47 pm - Reply Thank god I finally found that website! Sorry for the mistakes i’ll make but this is my second langage! Where do I start? 5 months ago a terrible incident happend to me! I’ve been scammed and the pople took a video of me and asked for money! After the evebt I started to do anxiety and after that a depression that I know take medication for. My question is simple, can a life changing event like that could trigger that kind of hocd?because for a month now I’ve been strugling with that fear and for a month I’ve been telling myself that the only way to feel better was to maybe just accept the fact that I am gay! But to be honest it just creates more anxiety! Thanks for your answer! Jonathan Hershfield September 20, 2013 at 6:28 pm - Reply Phillippe, though there is no significant research suggesting that trauma causes OCD, it is certainly true that a person with OCD or anxiety could see a sudden worsening of symptoms immediately after a traumatizing experience. You are obsessing that you may be gay, but it’s pretty likely that you could just as easily be obsessing about something else. I would look at it in terms of the terrible incident flipping on your OCD switch and this is the material it is using. I think what is more important than simply accepting that you might be gay is accepting that your attempts to prove you are straight will never satisfy you and only fuel your obsession. Accept that you are having thoughts about being gay and resist the urge to neutralize them. Though this may initially cause you to experience some more anxiety, you will eventually habituate to it and the anxiety will come down. If you rely on compulsions to reduce the anxiety, it will always come back as soon as the compulsion wears off. Philippe September 20, 2013 at 6:47 pm - Reply Thank you for the answer! Probably one of the reason why it is also flipping me, its because I always had an obsession with sex! And that I always beeb actualy pretty confident in myself! But since this terrible event I lost all confidence in me and all this “HOCD” related anxiety startes when I came back from vacation with my brother! I had feelings that people may thought that we were gay and blablabla! I have to say this article is really calming me! Sarah September 22, 2013 at 12:33 pm - Reply Thanks for your advice! I have found being more social, especially with friends from back home, actually helps stops obsessive thoughts. It seems to remind me of who I am and gives me some anchors in life. (I’ve also found writing my life story helpful with this). I am currently seeing a counsellor to deal with another issue (a trauma I experienced) and may bring this up if I feel comfortable with her next session. Thanks again. Philippe September 23, 2013 at 6:52 pm - Reply Since I found that blog I feel better! Still asking myself questions but I think it is a good thing because i might have found a obsession I always had that never been really diagnosed, but it sure is a obsession. I always been obsess by my image or by what other people thought of me! For example, I would always feel uncomfortable if my brother would sing loud in public places, if I felt down in the bus or metro, it was the end of the world for me! etc… So since what actually happen to me with that event I explain in my first message, the weeks that followed that event, I’ve been actually obsessing with: ” What if my friends or my family ever get to see that video???” I was getting crazy about what other people would think about me if that video was ever able for people to see! Do you think that it could be a possibility for me to have develop a obsession like HOCD because of this! And that the obsession of my own image and the event that happened was a catalyst for all of this? Thank you so much! P-S: Hope I,m clear in my explaining! English is not my first language so it’s hard sometimes to put my thoughts together and organised! Jonathan Hershfield September 27, 2013 at 9:51 pm - Reply Hi Phillipe, I think focusing on the cause of your HOCD is a distraction from focusing on the present issue. Are you or are you not doing compulsions in response to this obsession? Where the HOCD came from is irrelevant. Regarding your social anxiety and the video, though it may be difficult, you have to tell yourself that you don;t know what will happen and if something unwanted happens, you will have to find a way to cope with that. Adam September 30, 2013 at 11:00 pm - Reply Hey Jonathan, your texts have been a great help, thank you for that I have been suffering from severe HOCD (well I at least I think it is..). I’m 22 years old and have been suffering from depression from my early teens. The weird thing is I can’t remember feeling bad, and I don’t know what I was depressed about before the HOCD kicked in like 5 months ago.. Now it’s all about that. Anyway, I think the HOCD started when I couldn’t perform with a girl I was in love with, so I started to think I was gay then it just escalated. I still suffer from it, but I think it’s getting better. A couple of months ago I was really nervous around guys, afraid of the word “gay”, couldn’t type it etc. I’m not going to therapy or something but I have started to treat myself. I’ve watched coming out stories on youtube, read a lot of them. I watched brokeback mountain (good movie!). And today I’ve watched alot of gay porn, the porn didn’t arouse me the slightest, but as you have written I am not doing this out of reassurance. I am simply observing and accepting every thought, sensation or emotion that might arrive when watching the porn. I feel that this helps keep the thoughts from being so aggressive, I know they’re there (and I just started with the “treatment”) but they don’t attack me and make me as anxious as before. I also started to write a texts about differing scenarios where I come out to my parents, living life as a gay man etc. Just wanted to ask you if you think this is a good strategy, or if it can be harmful or counterproductive to treat yourself like this. I am working on coming to terms with being afraid of being attracted to men, but as a lot of people have written the greatest fear is almost loosing your attraction to women.. That is harder to deal with. Thanks! Jonathan Hershfield October 3, 2013 at 3:46 am - Reply >>>>Hey Jonathan, your texts have been a great help, thank you for that I have been suffering from severe HOCD (well I at least I think it is..). I’m 22 years old and have been suffering from depression from my early teens. The weird thing is I can’t remember feeling bad, and I don’t know what I was depressed about before the HOCD kicked in like 5 months ago.. —Maybe you were just depressed because you suffer from clinical depression. >>>>Now it’s all about that. Anyway, I think the HOCD started when I couldn’t perform with a girl I was in love with, so I started to think I was gay then it just escalated. —This is very common. What’s also very common is people who struggle with anxiety and depression also struggling with sexual performance. Kind of hard to stay in the moment with all that fear and doubt going on at the same time. >>>>I still suffer from it, but I think it’s getting better. A couple of months ago I was really nervous around guys, afraid of the word “gay”, couldn’t type it etc. I’m not going to therapy or something but I have started to treat myself. I’ve watched coming out stories on youtube, read a lot of them. I watched brokeback mountain (good movie!). And today I’ve watched alot of gay porn, the porn didn’t arouse me the slightest, but as you have written I am not doing this out of reassurance. I am simply observing and accepting every thought, sensation or emotion that might arrive when watching the porn. I feel that this helps keep the thoughts from being so aggressive, I know they’re there (and I just started with the “treatment”) but they don’t attack me and make me as anxious as before. I also started to write a texts about differing scenarios where I come out to my parents, living life as a gay man etc. Just wanted to ask you if you think this is a good strategy, or if it can be harmful or counterproductive to treat yourself like this. I am working on coming to terms with being afraid of being attracted to men, but as a lot of people have written the greatest fear is almost loosing your attraction to women.. That is harder to deal with. —-Sounds to me like you’re doing an excellent job. Impressive! Just be vigilant about resisting compulsions. Like if you do an exposure and find yourself saying “whew, this proves I’m not gay” then you are probably stepping into an OCD trap. You can include your fear of losing attraction to women in your exposure stories. It might be a good idea to look to some resources on different scripting strategies, such as the books Freedom From Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by Jonathan Grayson and Imp of the Mind by Lee Baer. Adam September 30, 2013 at 11:01 pm - Reply Excuse the english it is not my native language. TB October 11, 2013 at 11:38 am - Reply Hey Jon Hersfield, your article really helped me a lot! I am a girl and this thing has tortured me for a week now. I have a very stressful life at the moment (moving, financials, studies, deadlines etc) and such a busy lifestyle is all new for me. I have a boyfriend and i’ve always liked men. But sometimes i am just in shock of how beautiful and girly/cute women can be and i can totally understand why men must be so crazy about women. That thoughts shocked me and suddenly i didn’t know how to behave normally around women anymore and started thinking i might be a lesbian. But than i became so sad because that would mean i have to break up with my boyfriend and have to start looking for a new way of life being gay… When i read this article i felt a burden falling of my shoulders. So thank you. My mind always has a tendency to hold on strongly to ideas and issues and i really have a problem of ‘letting go’ of any sort of issues you can imagine. Jonathan Hershfield October 14, 2013 at 3:22 am - Reply Glad the article was helpful for you! You need to look at why it is you think the presence of ANY particular thought means you have to do any particular thing. If you enjoy the thought of a woman being attractive, enjoy it. Making the association with breaking up with your boyfriend is unnecessary. That too is just another thought. Mike October 21, 2013 at 10:04 pm - Reply Hi Jon, I have been suffering from HOCD for quite some time now, around 10 months. It has beaten me down to the point where i feel utterly incapable of escaping these unwanted thoughts. I didn’t actually know about HOCD until about 2 months ago (and boy what a relief it was to find there are others out there going through exactly the same thing as me!). Through my research on HOCD i came across ROCD, which up until that point i had never even thought that there was something wrong with my relationship with my girlfriend. I have been with her for close to a year and a half and i can honestly say i love her and everything that our relationship is. However, since coming across ROCD i have found myself questioning my feelings for my girlfriend, telling myself that if you are gay you cannot be in a relationship with this girl – causing me to push myself further and further from her to the point where i feel it could end us… I suppose the question(s) i want to ask is how common is it for people with HOCD to also suffer from ROCD as a result? And if you have come across it before, how have people coped with it? many thanks and i look forward to your response. Jonathan Hershfield October 26, 2013 at 2:00 am - Reply Sufferers have added names to different kinds of obsessions to help articulate their experiences, so we refer to obsessions about sexual orientation as HOCD, obsessions about relationships as ROCD, and others with other names. This is possibly a necessary part of communicating with one another but ultimately overlooks the point that all OCD is about obsessions, compulsions, and intolerance of uncertainty. They are all the same problem. HOCD and ROCD frequently co-occur in my experience. They both respond to CBT with ERP. Rather than questioning and analyzing your feelings for your girlfriend, you should work on accepting them as they are and focus instead on behavior. If you want to be with your girlfriend, then you need to take steps to be closer to her, not further from her. This decision should be based on what it is you value, and not on such unreliable data as intrusive thoughts and feelings. Eddie October 26, 2013 at 4:59 am - Reply Really enjoyed reading this blog post, definitely cleared up how to treat this ocd and will defiantly be seeing my college therapist 🙂 Jonathan Hershfield October 27, 2013 at 7:23 pm - Reply Happy to hear it, Eddie! Best of luck in treatment. david October 31, 2013 at 11:48 pm - Reply Hi Jonathan. 2 months ago I tried for the first time acid, was an horrible experience althought in the end I remember being in peace and with a sense of understanding the world and all the people. However I remember thinking that almost everyone (It was in a music festival) around me was gay and were hitting on me. Lately I’ve been feeling that again. Furthermore, I’m getting the feeling that some new friends I made think I’m gay, i started to check how I’m acting, If I look gay or If I’m looking at man. I’m certain about my straightness but somehow the thought of other perceiveing me as gay started to make me doubt about Who I am or questioning my sexuality. I feel like some part of me got lost. I was always shy with new people but now I can’t meet Man without the all gay paranoia immediatly in my head, or girls without the urge to hit on them in order to prove something to myself. I can’t have a nice conversation with no one, unless it’s an old friend. Sorry for the bad english. Jonathan Hershfield November 1, 2013 at 7:57 pm - Reply Hi David, what you are experience is probably not related to your acid experience, but it’s unknowable. Many people with HOCD fear being seen as gay even more than they fear being gay. This is usually a function of social anxiety and fear of being humiliated. In this case, the OCD says the most humiliating thing would be if someone identified you as gay and were right before you identified it. So then you are likely to do compulsions related to trying to avoid looking gay. In treatment with an ocd specialist, you would want to do exposures to things that might make you think people are identifying you as gay and then resist the urge to try to prove to yourself that you look (or are) straight. Becky November 2, 2013 at 7:17 pm - Reply Hi, Thank you so much for this article. I am however completely tormented by my thoughts of possibly being gay and i don’t know what to do. I can’t just deal with my thoughts like you are suggesting. I can’t eat i can’t sleep and i don’t feel like myself. I have anxiety disorder which I’m pretty sure caused this in the first place. But being with a man sexually has always been amazing and made me so happy but right now my thoughts are so bad i can’t even imagine being with one. I feel sick to my stomach and i need help. Is it possible for theses compulsive thoughts to turn you gay? Please get back to me I’m dying. Jonathan Hershfield November 4, 2013 at 6:36 pm - Reply >>>>Hi, Thank you so much for this article. I am however completely tormented by my thoughts of possibly being gay and i don’t know what to do. I can’t just deal with my thoughts like you are suggesting. —I don’t recall ever suggesting that person should “just deal with” their thoughts. Either you are misunderstanding what I have written about cognitive behavioral therapy and exposure w/response prevention treatment for OCD or you are confusing me with another author. My recommendation is that you stop doing compulsions. >>>I can’t eat i can’t sleep and i don’t feel like myself. I have anxiety disorder which I’m pretty sure caused this in the first place. But being with a man sexually has always been amazing and made me so happy but right now my thoughts are so bad i can’t even imagine being with one. I feel sick to my stomach and i need help. Is it possible for theses compulsive thoughts to turn you gay? Please get back to me I’m dying. —Sounds like you are in a very high state of anxiety. You didn’t mention anything about the treatment you are receiving, so I’m not sure what advice to give you other than to get treatment if you don’t already have it or connect with your treatment provider if you already do. If you you feel you are unsafe in any way, you should go to an emergency room. As for your question about thoughts “turning you gay” I think the idea of “turning” is distorted by your anxiety and not a real thing worth you responding to. What you need is CBT from an OCD specialist and a plan for overcoming this obsession. Eli Ribeiro November 6, 2013 at 3:03 pm - Reply I finally know what I have! I can identify with almost everything from the two articles! I am so worried. I wonder if there’s medication for this? I can’t really afford therapy right now. Jonathan Hershfield November 13, 2013 at 6:17 am - Reply Hi Eli, glad the info was helpful. Medication can play an important role in treating OCD, but CBT is necessary in some form for things to really get better. The meds can take the edge off and make it easier to do the therapy. If you don’t have access to therapy or can’t afford it, you could try to do the work with an OCD self-help workbook. Eli Ribeiro November 6, 2013 at 3:09 pm - Reply As a kid, I was bullied by a group of three kids who kept calling me gay and I often got criticized for the way I walked. I think that’s when my HOCD started. I need to read more about this. My fear is not of being gay but of being considered gay. I feel inadequate among straight men because I feel they know there’s something wrong with me, I feel inadequate among gay men because I don’t want people to think I’m like them and I feel inadequate among women because I feel they’ll see me as gay and will reject me. That’s in my mind ALL the time. You can imagine what kind of tension this causes? I can’t really connect with people because of it. Thanks very much for this article. It shed a new light on my life. Jonathan Hershfield November 13, 2013 at 6:22 am - Reply This is not an unusual manifestation. People who are bullied often develop social phobia, which is a fear of being evaluated negatively. Since it involves this word “gay” it takes on some properties of HOCD, but it’s still mostly social anxiety. In any case, the treatment would involve graduated exposure to letting people think you are gay even though it’s untrue. This would mean looking at ways you avoid this and reducing them, but also doing things that may be triggering socially. wolfsterr1996 December 17, 2013 at 12:48 pm - Reply N I dont know if this thing is still working but its being bugging me i dont know if i have this hocd thing but here goes anyway ive as long as i can remember been attracted to girls Never been in à relationship but on and off i kept getting the thoughts Like What if i gay etc these thoughts sometimes go when i start to Like à new girl but since starting my second Year of collège these thoughts i have came back in spades i looked up this hocd thing and helped but the other day i finally said Maybe i should take this in my stridr but now girls i found cute and attractive before just dont do anything for me and now i just have lost the energy to keep fighting back , What should i do Jonathan Hershfield December 17, 2013 at 5:17 pm - Reply If the things you have read about HOCD make sense to you, then it should also make sense that the thing you need to do is get some help from an OCD specialist so you don’t continue engaging in compulsions that are interfering in your ability to enjoy your relationships. Reduced libido and energy are common symptoms of anxiety that should improve with treatment. Ccgg December 18, 2013 at 5:19 pm - Reply Hello. I am 21 years old and I have probably been dealing with what I’m hoping is hocd for at least a year now if not more. I am constantly worrying about what if I’m lesbian? For about a month, the thought completely went away and I thought it would stay gone, but now it’s come back and is at it’s worst. I have myself paranoid that I’m not attracted to my fiancé anymore or to guys in general. I feel so much stress from this and always have to tell my fiancé everything that goes through my head in order to feel better about it and can’t quit thinking about it until he knows. Well now my biggest hang up is: why can I understand how someone could be lesbian but find it more hard to understand why a guy wouldn’t want to be with a girl and want to be gay instead. Does that make me lesbian? I don’t want to be at all? I want to know that I’m attracted to my fiancé and want to stop being paranoid I don’t love him anymore. We argue a lot and when we take breaks from each other, i feel lot more calm and when he gets home I feel all the anxiety and worry about being lesbian coming back. I just never hear this being an issue with people with hocd so I worry that I’m just in denial about being lesbian. I feel depressed all the time and i don’t know what to do. I get worried that I’ll act on one of my thoughts or will get aroused by a girl, why can’t I ever feel like that with a guy? I have like no sex drive anymore and i am paranoid that when my fiancé compliments my body, that I have to fake a compliment back. And then it makes me upset and I tell him he’s making me ocd when he brings up sexual stuff. I need reassurance that this is just ocd because with other symptoms I’ve had in the past I could tell myself it was OCD but now with these not so common issues, I’m feeling like it can’t be Ocd and that I really am lesbian… :/ Please help Jonathan Hershfield December 21, 2013 at 1:47 am - Reply >>>>Hello. I am 21 years old and I have probably been dealing with what I’m hoping is hocd for at least a year now if not more. I am constantly worrying about what if I’m lesbian? For about a month, the thought completely went away and I thought it would stay gone, but now it’s come back and is at it’s worst. I have myself paranoid that I’m not attracted to my fiancé anymore or to guys in general. I feel so much stress from this and always have to tell my fiancé everything that goes through my head in order to feel better about it and can’t quit thinking about it until he knows. —It’s important (in fact essential to the survival of the relationship) that you recognize these confessions as a compulsive behavior. Compulsions work by negatively reinforcing triggers, meaning the way in which they reduce your discomfort actually teaches the mind that they must be persisted in whenever the trigger presents, and then this results in the triggers appearing more important and more intrusive. You will need to explain this to your fiance so that he can help you identify when you are compulsively confessing and disregard your confessions and withhold reassurance. Though this may be uncomfortable for you, it is something you will overcome and be grateful for in the end. >>>Well now my biggest hang up is: why can I understand how someone could be lesbian but find it more hard to understand why a guy wouldn’t want to be with a girl and want to be gay instead. Does that make me lesbian? I don’t want to be at all? —Time spent ruminating on what people you have never met are choosing to do with their sex lives is time wasted on Earth. Trying to perfectly understand the nature of sexual orientation and attraction is a compulsion and, like all compulsions, a problem that fuels more obsessive thinking. >>>I want to know that I’m attracted to my fiancé and want to stop being paranoid I don’t love him anymore. We argue a lot and when we take breaks from each other, i feel lot more calm and when he gets home I feel all the anxiety and worry about being lesbian coming back. I just never hear this being an issue with people with hocd so I worry that I’m just in denial about being lesbian. —Not sure where you hear all of your HOCD gossip. I hear this stuff all the time. It sounds like you have an obsession with the quality of your relationship (i.e. needing certainty that you are attracted etc). It’s not unusual for this to coincide with HOCD fears as well. >>>I feel depressed all the time and i don’t know what to do. I get worried that I’ll act on one of my thoughts or will get aroused by a girl, why can’t I ever feel like that with a guy? —Worrying that you will get aroused makes very little sense since we have virtually no control over when we get aroused and the arousal itself has no intrinsic meaning. >>>I have like no sex drive anymore and i am paranoid that when my fiancé compliments my body, that I have to fake a compliment back. —That sounds like a compulsion. Next time just say thanks. >>>>And then it makes me upset and I tell him he’s making me ocd when he brings up sexual stuff. I need reassurance that this is just ocd because with other symptoms I’ve had in the past I could tell myself it was OCD but now with these not so common issues, I’m feeling like it can’t be Ocd and that I really am lesbian… :/ Please help —This is just a blog comment, so I don’t know what it is about this obsession that you see as so fundamentally different from your other obsessions and your drive for that elusive certainty. Getting upset at your fiance for triggering you takes the responsibility off your shoulders for actually doing something about your OCD and the way in which it is interfering in your relationship. My recommendation is that you work on this with an ocd specialist, start doing CBT with ERP for both the orientation and relationship obsessions, and encourage your fiance to be a partner in your treatment by helping you resist compulsions. Pirx December 18, 2013 at 10:34 pm - Reply Hi there, I see you reply to comments on regular basis, so I decided to ask one question, the thing I do not understand well. Short story: I suffer from I think, medium amount of HOCD (I am NOT dying of fear daily but I have these thoughts, sometimes it is depressing and bad but mostly I can normally talk to a guy, even attractive, I just get this strange feeling I feel weird, looking too much on dudes, checking, I do not like homo stuff like “sweet gay couple pictures kissing” etc). Sometimes I have obsessive thoughts 2-3 days all the time, hour by hour, then 3 days no such thoughts at all. Generally I am not in the panic mode, I just do not like this feeling. I am trying to be cool, but one of the exposure therapy techniques, I think one of the most important is to EXPOSE to gay/masculine thoughts, pictures, etc. And now – I ll try to describe my question as precise as I can – when I am exposing myself to such pictures , it is kind of CHECKING as well! I learned not to push these thoughts out of my head, try to accept, its ok, but then, if I look at pictures of naked men or masculinity in general it is a form of “checking” myself, it goes automatically. It is like: Ok, nice guy, ok ok, he is normal dude, no worries, YOU SEE , YOU GOT NO HARD ON NO GAY YUPPIE!!! I know there is some tiny difference between looking at picture and trying to accepting and looking at the same picture AND assuring myself I do not get erection/dont feel weird etc. It is very thin line between these 2 attitudes. What should I do? Look at the pictures, stories in what mode? DUde, just look at it and do not think too much? Look at it and try to like it? Look at it and get over it? I mostly get over it, I do not care, but sometimes the ear kicks in like crazy…. I feel like I accept this stuff but now its more like a habit to CHECK myself, not to accept it, kind of habit of trying if I still feel fear etc. I do not know if I am clear. I just do not know how to feel the difference between accepting vs checking…. P.S> One remark – my problem is that I rather fear more MEN in general, maybe because of my low self esteem, being almost 40 (!) and not feeling manly enough (I am normal guy, normal voice, hair, height, nothing weird and no woman ever complained ) – I tend to fear masculine alpha type men, with hairy arms, low timbre of voice etc. I know I have probably twisted picture of a modern man, I demand too much from myself, but I just… do it. Jonathan Hershfield December 21, 2013 at 1:54 am - Reply >>>>Hi there, I see you reply to comments on regular basis, so I decided to ask one question, the thing I do not understand well. Short story: I suffer from I think, medium amount of HOCD (I am NOT dying of fear daily but I have these thoughts, sometimes it is depressing and bad but mostly I can normally talk to a guy, even attractive, I just get this strange feeling I feel weird, looking too much on dudes, checking, I do not like homo stuff like “sweet gay couple pictures kissing” etc). —Easy enough to do ERP to this and turn it into something that’s not so bothersome. >>>>Sometimes I have obsessive thoughts 2-3 days all the time, hour by hour, then 3 days no such thoughts at all. Generally I am not in the panic mode, I just do not like this feeling. I am trying to be cool, but one of the exposure therapy techniques, I think one of the most important is to EXPOSE to gay/masculine thoughts, pictures, etc. And now – I ll try to describe my question as precise as I can – when I am exposing myself to such pictures , it is kind of CHECKING as well! I learned not to push these thoughts out of my head, try to accept, its ok, but then, if I look at pictures of naked men or masculinity in general it is a form of “checking” myself, it goes automatically. It is like: Ok, nice guy, ok ok, he is normal dude, no worries, YOU SEE , YOU GOT NO HARD ON NO GAY YUPPIE!!! I know there is some tiny difference between looking at picture and trying to accepting and looking at the same picture AND assuring myself I do not get erection/dont feel weird etc. It is very thin line between these 2 attitudes. What should I do? Look at the pictures, stories in what mode? DUde, just look at it and do not think too much? Look at it and try to like it? Look at it and get over it? I mostly get over it, I do not care, but sometimes the ear kicks in like crazy…. —Look at it and try to like it. Try to identify with the experience and tell yourself that by doing so you will turn yourself gay and regret it. Then keep doing it. The point of exposure with response prevention is to put you in front of the trigger (it’s not the pictures, but the gay thoughts/feelings that are the triggers) so that you can practice being in the presence of these triggers without doing compulsions. In short, try to get hard. The goal is to be in the presence of fear, not to be cool. >>>>I feel like I accept this stuff but now its more like a habit to CHECK myself, not to accept it, kind of habit of trying if I still feel fear etc. I do not know if I am clear. I just do not know how to feel the difference between accepting vs checking…. —A lot of checking happens automatically and the best thing you ca do is simply label it retroactively and not beat yourself up for not having complete control over everything your mind does. Accepting means observing the presence of a thought, feeling, or sensation without attributing any kind of judgment to it. >>>>P.S> One remark – my problem is that I rather fear more MEN in general, maybe because of my low self esteem, being almost 40 (!) and not feeling manly enough (I am normal guy, normal voice, hair, height, nothing weird and no woman ever complained ) – I tend to fear masculine alpha type men, with hairy arms, low timbre of voice etc. I know I have probably twisted picture of a modern man, I demand too much from myself, but I just… do it. —You can do exposure to this too or you can accept that it’s just the way you think and not something you need to take so seriously. That’s up to you. John December 19, 2013 at 7:15 pm - Reply Dr. Hershfield, Your article was very helpful in many ways. I identify with most everything listed in the article. I have struggled with HOCD for several years, and I hate it. I know that I am straight, I have been in a relationship for 7 years with my beautiful wife. The main source of my issues come from porn addiction I believe. I became addicted to porn around age 15 and watched it all the time for many years, probably until around age 20. Then it was an off and on thing. I would watch it then I wouldn’t and so on. I have done a lot of reading about porn addiction as well, and it talks about how porn addiction is like any other addiction, like a drug for example. You start out small, then what you always took does not get you the same high, so you have to move on to a larger amount of the drug, and so on. That is how my addiction to porn was/is. I started with just pictures of naked women, then videos, then hardcore videos, then gay porn. But everytime I watched gay porn I would feel disgusted afterward. I just can’t understand why I would be able to look at gay porn on the internet and have a reaction in my groin and masturbate to it. It is like once I finished, there was absolutely no desire for that at all. Now after watching and finishing with straight porn, I would never feel ashamed at what I watched and wanted more of it. I also had never had any gay thoughts before porn addiction. Also, in reality I have never been attracted to a guy, never had a crush on a guy, etc. It only happens on a computer screen, and it really isn’t an attraction to the guys in the porn, it is more of I am just needing something sexual on the screen because of my addiction and self esteem issues I believe. I am a smaller framed guy who wants to be bigger and have more dominance that comes with being bigger. And with my porn addiction, I have looked at all kinds of porn that is just disgusting, some that is worse than gay porn in my mind, but that doesn’t bother me to the point gay porn does. I mean anything can make me aroused. I know that porn addiction is bad and I am fighting it to keep it out of my life. I just wondering if what I have experienced is similar to what others experience that have HOCD and/or porn addiction. Another factor that I believe increases my anxiety and fear is when I was in junior high, one of my friends came out and said he was gay. Well everyone started picking on me and called me gay because we were friends. It was pure torture, I could not go a day without someone telling me I was gay. It was horrible, I knew that I was not, but I could not get them to stop. It finally went away near the end of my Freshman year of high school. Which is about the time my porn addiction started. All I know is deep down I know that I love my wife, I am sexually attracted to her and other women. (Although I will not have sex with them because I am married, haha). I know that I have never wanted to be with a man and cannot see myself doing sexual acts with a man in real life. Any advice you can give would be appreciated. I know this was alot, but I am so ready to move past this. My wife knows all about it, and is very supportive. I could not ask for a better wife. Thank you for your help! Jonathan Hershfield December 21, 2013 at 4:22 am - Reply HOCD attacks from several different angles, and one I haven’t really talked much about in my blogs is the porn addiction angle (mostly because treating porn addiction is not something I have experience in). It is not an unusual trajectory for a person addicted to pornography to find themselves seeking out more and more taboo material to generate the same level of stimulation (just as tolerance goes up for any drug). This leads some straight people to watching, and enjoying the stimulation of, gay porn. The question over whether this is, in and of itself, “gay” may be open to debate. I think it is a phenomenon unrelated to sexual orientation. But in any case an HOCD sufferer is likely to argue that it is some sort of evidence of a changed orientation and begin engaging in compulsions to reassure themselves that they are straight (which then fuels more obsessive doubt and so on and so forth). In these cases, it is often important to address the porn addiction before being able to effectively address the HOCD. Yes, you are capable of enjoying physical stimulation associated with gay pixels (and possibly ideas about gay pixels). As you pointed out, you are sexually attracted to other women but don’t cheat on your wife. Similarly you can’t see yourself actually having sex with a man because porn is not reality and you are addicted to porn. You can’t effectively do ERP to gay porn during a porn addiction because the drive for stimulation trumps any chance you have of effectively exposing to your fear of being gay. Separately from the porn addiction is the fear that your very real ability to get off on gay pixels means you are somehow a gay person. I can tell you that I disagree with this assessment, but reassurance doesn’t work in the long run. What works is accepting uncertainty and not doing compulsions. So my advice is to seek professional help for the addiction and say “maybe I am gay because of the porn problem but that’s not as important as the porn problem itself right now.” You can concurrently do CBT for the HOCD and this would include exposure to the idea that you may have made yourself gay somehow. Exposures for this would probably include various forms of imaginal scripting about the consequences. Kay December 27, 2013 at 6:40 am - Reply Hi Hershfield, first of all i would like to thank you very much for your articles. To people who suffer from hocd, you really understand this. Thank you. I only hope you will reply to my post and give me your honest take on this even though it might skip you. Either way if you can’t, Just typing this alone on here is great. I know this is long but it will mean a lot if you read this an give me your feedback, not reassure. I am a straight 24 year old male and have never experienced anything like this before. I consider myself a critical thinker who likes to analyze everything going on to the max/detail. I think i have been going through this for more than a month now but now i think I’m not worrying about it anymore or confused (but confident and happy that I’m not worrying as i see it as a good thing. I will tell you why). I am not even scared nor worried for typing what i just said. I would have been worried at first. I believe I’m not fearing or worried because i have consciously and/or unconsciously practiced exposure to the point where most of my fears are gone. However this all of a sudden “being okay and normal” confuses me a lot, even though it feels good not to worry. It all started at work where i was introduced to a trainer who i was supposed to be trained under. The whole staff were nice including the trainer, but he was being too nice to me, wanting my phone number and asking where i live and lot more. He acted gay (talked like a lady etc hope you know what i mean). I’m not saying he was/is, but from where i come from and how i was trained i couldn’t help it but move away from him thinking he wanted to hit on me or something. So i switched departments by telling the head of department, and later found out that he might not be gay (even though it was still unknown whether he is.). This made me feel guilty to the point where i had to go to the trainer himself and explain why i left. I told him everything including the fact that i thought he was gay and was scared and moved away due to the fact that things like that are unheard of from where i come from. He was understanding and explained to me that he likes to treat everyone as a father, and this made feel relief and felt really comfortable afterwards (even though he didn’t actually say he wasn’t gay). This made me worry sometimes that he didn’t clarify but it’s a lot better now as the more i understand this exposure, i realize i don’t need to know. After all that the hocd started hitting me bit by bit and, came with full force and now has almost vanished which surprises me a lot. When i went to the trainer to explain things to him i knew i felt guilty but the hocd tricked me into thinking that, that was attraction or whatever, i would try to shrug it off by telling myself that it was not, but it would always come back with full force it made me feel guilty. I felt like telling everyone else, told my stepmom, my brother briefly, my close friends as i thought telling people would take off some of the load. Infact it did and made me feel understood but after a day, will feel bad again and feel like i have to tell more people or else i wouldn’t feel better. I have read almost everything on hocd online, spending hours and hours daily, blogs, forums, articles (before i saw yours). They would make me feel better and feel relief that at least someone is going through the same thing, but will feel like i need more to keep me going and keep me happy. Almost everyone was saying stay away from the internet for reassurance but it was inevitable for someone like me/others suffering as i/we really needed it. I learnt a lot and am understanding it now but gradually. There would be good days and just when i feel like i’m great today, it will start all over and i will start feeling bad. There will be days where i feel great and really happy doing something fun, but when i remember all this, my mood will instantly drop and will feel sad, and ask myself why. Does this mean this, or that? and so on. I would sometimes force myself to be happy, but deep inside i know i have to fix something before i can move on and be happy and then, bam, i’m down again. I used to be really enthusiastic about everything, exercise, school, personal projects, girls, video games, life basically but now even though i do enjoy some of them, i think i don’t have that same drive to do anything. I can go on and on and tell you how i worried a lot and will never finish. Anytime i would read about something, i would worry about it, for example if i read that someone says he did this and it really helped, my hocd will tell me if you don’t do the same thing you will never feel better. If you don’t go to a therapist, you will never feel better and then i will start worrying even though i wasn’t prior to this. I have been hit by almost every angle to the point where i can tell this is just ocd and not real but it does feel real. It’s funny, but i read something about someone who said that we should stop looking for answers or that you will have a sexual identity crisis and boom, my hocd latched on to it and i was worried to the max and felt really down. Now i don’t even think that is the case. Even if it is. I’m not worrying about it. But seriously it’s not. I know the hocd make you think scary thoughts and could be that because i was scared he said that, i think it’s going to happen to me. Because prior to this, if you told me this, i wouldn’t even bother about it. So i knew it could be hocd because one time i was worried, but now i’m not. Either way i’m not going to worry about it. Please let me know about my attitude towards this. However i have been reading your view on this that talks about accepting uncertainty and not seeking and asking for answers even when you’re in the face of what you fear of are not sure of. This is scary and very confusing but i think i understand it perfectly and have been putting it into practice and will tell you what i’m doing about it if that it a good thing. After reading through some of you articles and responses to others you talk pretty much about the same thing and just when i was reading i started unconsciously accepting uncertainty and guess what everything felt okay all of a sudden. I will even intentionally expose myself to things that made me really anxious and things that i talked myself out of when faced with. For example if a though pops into my head that i’m gay, i used to tell myself i’m not gay until it would go down a little, but will always come back. But this time i didn’t do anything and just allowed it. Even though my body was like say something to disprove it, i didn’t. I felt uncomfortable for not saying anything but it didn’t bother me again. What i’ve learnt is that you should accept uncertainty regardless of what happens. And i mean whatever that happens no matter how uncomfortable or painful or unsure it is. Accept it and move on and let your brain no that it’s no big deal even if it goes against you. I have done this. I did this to the point where i didn’t react to anything, whether it makes me feel good or bad. And guess what i felt okay and happy regardless of how uncomfortable it is. Is this progress? There is a problem and question i will like to ask you though. I felt okay to the point i was surprised that i am not worrying about anything anymore. i am not feeling unhappy or extremely happy. I just felt different like those thoughts don’t affect me anymore even though it might sound bothering and triggering. It didn’t make me spike, or do any mental ritual. I just didn’t react to it and i was surprised and really happy. Infact i was reading your article 4 and it made so much sence afterwards especially after the little bits of youtube videos linked to it (funny though) and how you explained to it. Everything seems to make so much sense. I felt really comfortable to the point that i decided to watch porn not because i want to check but because i just want to because it had been a while and just stop afterwards. I used to be afraid of watching porn due to the fact that i would see a gay picture or something that was gay and something would happen. But this time prior to watching the porn i felt really confident that even i see anything like that it doesn’t change my sexual orientation. It’s just something that is not just me and when i see it, move to what i really came for (straight porn) and not worry about seeing it and obsess over it. I felt really okay. Went out to buy something and everything feels so good and like i’m normal. But again i didn’t say that i’m healed i just observed how i feel lived in that moment and moved on. I didn’t conclude that i’m healed completely. just observe and move on. So i went ahead and watched porn and was really aroused prior to watching it and guess what, among the videos of straight porn on the site were gay ones (less though). When i saw it, i was a bit scared at the moment and moved my eyes of it to the straight porn but then i realized, why are you scared it you’re not gay. I told myself previously that i would never watch stuff like that. Also i thought this slight room could give me a chance to do some unconscious exposure without judging. that gave me the confidence to go ahead and click on it, not play the video. I saw the preview shots of the video i clicked. Again i did not play the video, but what i saw didn’t arouse me one bit and i lost my erection because of that. Someone like me suffering from hocd would have been very worried about losing my erection and rejoice and say that i’m not finally gay, but after remembering what i have read about not judging and just observing i just observed. It didn’t arouse me, it was attractive even though it was sexual, i didn’t feel aroused, just a little anxious and shocked i was looking at preview pictures like that. Either way, that gave me confidence and i started to scroll down to see other pictures of gay men actually in the act. It all was the same. Stayed there for around a minute without any erection or arousal (just a little anxiety/a tiny little spike as it was really unusual). Did this back and forth for a while And them moved on. When i moved on to straight porn it was/felt great even though i was a little overwhelmed at just doing what i did. I had trouble concentrating on the straight porn for just a few seconds as my hocd was trying to tell me that what you’ve watched means you’re gay or you enjoyed it even though i didn’t and wasn’t aroused or got an erection from it but i reminded myself that you were doing that only as exposure, without judging, what happened, happened and it doesn’t change anything about you. That helped me concentrate on the straight porn and basically finished off to the straight porn a couple times until now that i’m writing this post. Porn is something i stayed away from and have decided to stay away from not because of watching it today and all what i experience or saw. I’m surprised that i’m not even worried about this and am saying this. I am stopping because it has it’s own bad effects and basically it’s a personal choice to quit it cold turkey regardless. Again not because i saw picture of preview shots of gays/gay porn (Look i’m not even worried or spiking after typing this. Surprising). It’s just a habit i want to pick up. So no more porn starting today (Excited). However the little hocd i around makes me feel bad for seeing those and makes me think that, because i saw/watched it, something has changed about me and that i’ve turned gay even though i know that is not the case (I don’t question it compulsively). I just want to ask a few questions so please do your best to answer them honestly and help me understand (not reassure as i know reassuring doesn’t help. but help me understand. thanks) What i tell myself (not compulsively) is that i went to watch porn just for entertainment because i wanted to see one particular female porn star. So seeing a gay preview (which i was really not okay with initially even in my head, and going ahead to see the other ones, was just an exposure to not judge anything, just to observe, even though i did not enjoy it and was surprised and a little disgusted thinking what is this?) As i was really understanding your whole view about this, does this mean, something has changes or you have turned gay/ you will turn gay regardless of what you think, whether you accept the though or not. (I know that is not the case and what i told myself is.) I’m not directly asking for reassurance. I think i’m doing a great job and i just need you to express your honest opinion. Also, trust me, i used to be very bad at this starting with just a thought. I was so uncomfortable with just a single thought that the trainer is hitting on me. If i had that though now. i would totally laugh at my own self this very moment and wouldn’t say that it means I’m gay. So i know for sure that I’m really dong a good job especially after not being worried after watching straight porn today and seeing flashes of gay porn. The funny thing is that prior to this when i used to watch porn without hocd. I would see preview shots of gay porn/ penis enhancement ads and would shrug it off not even aware of it and still continue to pursue what i really went for (straight porn). I think what i did today, partly unconsciously and bold was to actually click on the preview shots of the gay porn, look at it and not judge anything. Even though i never got aroused, i didn’t count this as complete reason for recovery though i was happy and more relieved that it was like that, i didn’t dwell on it and say that i’m ok. Based on all this, i think I’ve done a great job and shouldn’t feel bad as I’ve. My hocd tricks me into thinking that you’ve contaminated yourself/mind by seeing those pictures of preview shots, but i see it as a good thing as those intrusive thoughts/ images /people are less spiking now to the point where i don’t even worry about some of them completely. Pretty much not scared of it. So I’m asking your view on this whether i should feel bad about this or whether this is a bad things or whether watching it will change anything negatively. Also since i see sense in the whole idea of beating hocd and am pretty much not worrying and allowing those thoughts to be there and pretty much decided to beat this by doing the opposite and what the hocd tells me, i think I’m doing a good job so it won’t be necessary to go to a therapist. The hocd used to trick me into thinking that if you don’t go to a therapist you won’t be okay and it would scare me a lot, but now even if it brings that up, automatically the part of my brain that understands this tell me that it’s not necessary to give into that and whether I’ll feel good or never feel good doesn’t matter. This helps me a lot and keeps me very satisfied and ok. So is all this progress and am i on the right track? Based on what I’ve explained am i doing the right thing. I’m not giving any attention to what the hocd says. Mindfulness is helping me a lot and telling me that if i don’t do/worry about what the hocd says, it doesn’t matter. Is this the mindset that i should continue having regardless of seeing those images. Deep down i know that those images mean nothing pretty much. They’ve actually helped me to the point where I’m not worried about gay stuff anymore. Does this sudden “being okay” mean good or bad. Either way mindfulness is telling me that it’s actually a good thing as i’m not worried about it. I haven’t contaminated anything. I didn’t even watch the videos, others do and don’t even worry about it and here i am worrying about seeing them even though i didn’t like it. I just observed. So please give me your honest opinion about as much as you can about my long post and tell me if I’m doing great. If i am i will continue on my own with more uncertainty and exposure without response. Even though that is confusing. It has helped me be very calm not. The only thing is that the hocd makes it look like, because you’re not worrying, you like it or have turned gay. Please let me know what you think about all this. Just understanding. That’s all I’m asking. I know I’m doing a great job. Also what i want to do is continue with my life, pursuing girls like i used to not because of testing, maybe that will happen unconsciously, but i wouldn’t even dwell on it as anything. How i will feel about it whether good or bad is how i feel about it, also exercising, programming and doing personal projects, watching movies(didn’t feel excitement watching it ), playing video games and etc. Do you see this as a good sign? Is this something i should just continue doing regardless of how hocd makes me feel. It’s not reality is just thought that makes you feel a certain way, its not fact right. But either way it doesn’t help to even prove that to your hocd, that’s what i’ve learnt. Just help me understand some more and if what I’m doing is right, encourage me to move on. If that is the case that I’m doing well then i’m totally ok with whatever hocd had done, is doing or will do, and know with all what you’re saying that that’s the best way to deal/go about it. Thank you very much once again for your articles and posts. It is really helping a lot of people and can even heal someone completely. Again i know this is really long, but try your best to read and answer as much as you can so that i can understand it more. I think that will help a lot . Waiting for you reply. The good thing is that even after all this i’m not worried. Is this a good sign of progress or recovery Kay. Jonathan Hershfield December 28, 2013 at 1:08 am - Reply >>>>>Hi Hershfield, first of all i would like to thank you very much for your articles. To people who suffer from hocd, you really understand this. Thank you. I only hope you will reply to my post and give me your honest take on this even though it might skip you. Either way if you can’t, Just typing this alone on here is great. I know this is long but it will mean a lot if you read this an give me your feedback, not reassure. —Episodes of The Voice are long. This is Lord of the Rings long. But, you had me at “not reassure.” >>>>I am a straight 24 year old male and have never experienced anything like this before. I consider myself a critical thinker who likes to analyze everything going on to the max/detail. —Interesting thing about critical thinking is that it actually does not involve analyzing down to the final detail. True critical thinking involves examining the things that are actually relevant and carefully resisting the urge to over-analyze. That’s why critical thinking actually helps OCD when it is actually critical thinking. >>>>I think i have been going through this for more than a month now but now i think I’m not worrying about it anymore or confused (but confident and happy that I’m not worrying as i see it as a good thing. I will tell you why). I am not even scared nor worried for typing what i just said. I would have been worried at first. I believe I’m not fearing or worried because i have consciously and/or unconsciously practiced exposure to the point where most of my fears are gone. However this all of a sudden “being okay and normal” confuses me a lot, even though it feels good not to worry. —If it is the case that you have been doing exposure w/ response prevention and this has changed the way you respond to your intrusive thoughts, then it is very common for a person who has met with such success to experience “backdoor spiking” – this is the obsessive concern with being “too ok” with a fear. >>>>It all started at work where i was introduced to a trainer who i was supposed to be trained under. The whole staff were nice including the trainer, but he was being too nice to me, wanting my phone number and asking where i live and lot more. He acted gay (talked like a lady etc hope you know what i mean). I’m not saying he was/is, but from where i come from and how i was trained i couldn’t help it but move away from him thinking he wanted to hit on me or something. So i switched departments by telling the head of department, and later found out that he might not be gay (even though it was still unknown whether he is.). This made me feel guilty to the point where i had to go to the trainer himself and explain why i left. I told him everything including the fact that i thought he was gay and was scared and moved away due to the fact that things like that are unheard of from where i come from. He was understanding and explained to me that he likes to treat everyone as a father, and this made feel relief and felt really comfortable afterwards (even though he didn’t actually say he wasn’t gay). This made me worry sometimes that he didn’t clarify but it’s a lot better now as the more i understand this exposure, i realize i don’t need to know. —What’s unclear here is why the idea of a gay man flirting with you is of any real concern. Though it might make anyone uncomfortable or feel like their personal space is being encroached upon, it is not clear what exists in this scenario that is cause for actual “worry.” In HOCD, there is a common distorted belief that if a gay person hits on you, it means the gay person is seeing into your “true gay soul.” This is silly. Though if I am understanding correctly what you have written, some of your discomfort may have come from some kind of culture shock that caused you anxiety. I am very curious where you are from that gay people are unheard of. Of course the irony of all of this is that people who are over-friendly like this man often have social anxiety and use these types of behavior to compensate for their fear of not being liked. >>>>After all that the hocd started hitting me bit by bit and, came with full force and now has almost vanished which surprises me a lot. When i went to the trainer to explain things to him i knew i felt guilty but the hocd tricked me into thinking that, that was attraction or whatever, i would try to shrug it off by telling myself that it was not, but it would always come back with full force it made me feel guilty. I felt like telling everyone else, told my stepmom, my brother briefly, my close friends as i thought telling people would take off some of the load. Infact it did and made me feel understood but after a day, will feel bad again and feel like i have to tell more people or else i wouldn’t feel better. —This is a confession compulsion and that’s why it didn’t work in the long run. You were having thoughts and the content of the thoughts had to do with the idea of you being gay. By confessing, you manipulate others into reassuring you that you are not gay, which turns the thoughts from meaningless non-events in the head to what seems like very important messages from your mind. >>>>I have read almost everything on hocd online, spending hours and hours daily, blogs, forums, articles (before i saw yours). They would make me feel better and feel relief that at least someone is going through the same thing, but will feel like i need more to keep me going and keep me happy. Almost everyone was saying stay away from the internet for reassurance but it was inevitable for someone like me/others suffering as i/we really needed it. I learnt a lot and am understanding it now but gradually. —Well, you convinced yourself you needed it by the fact that it gave you relief. This is how all compulsions work. You learn to repeat them because you associate them with relief from suffering (it’s called negative reinforcement). But it is important to get at least some information about OCd to start. Now you have it, so stay off the internet for HOCD reasons. >>>>There would be good days and just when i feel like i’m great today, it will start all over and i will start feeling bad. There will be days where i feel great and really happy doing something fun, but when i remember all this, my mood will instantly drop and will feel sad, and ask myself why. Does this mean this, or that? and so on. I would sometimes force myself to be happy, but deep inside i know i have to fix something before i can move on and be happy and then, bam, i’m down again. I used to be really enthusiastic about everything, exercise, school, personal projects, girls, video games, life basically but now even though i do enjoy some of them, i think i don’t have that same drive to do anything. I can go on and on and tell you how i worried a lot and will never finish. —Thank you. >>>>Anytime i would read about something, i would worry about it, for example if i read that someone says he did this and it really helped, my hocd will tell me if you don’t do the same thing you will never feel better. If you don’t go to a therapist, you will never feel better and then i will start worrying even though i wasn’t prior to this. I have been hit by almost every angle to the point where i can tell this is just ocd and not real but it does feel real. It’s funny, but i read something about someone who said that we should stop looking for answers or that you will have a sexual identity crisis and boom, my hocd latched on to it and i was worried to the max and felt really down. Now i don’t even think that is the case. Even if it is. I’m not worrying about it. But seriously it’s not. I know the hocd make you think scary thoughts and could be that because i was scared he said that, i think it’s going to happen to me. Because prior to this, if you told me this, i wouldn’t even bother about it. So i knew it could be hocd because one time i was worried, but now i’m not. Either way i’m not going to worry about it. Please let me know about my attitude towards this. —-Worrying is a mental strategy people employ to make themselves feel in-control of events outside of their control. It is always preferable to accept uncertainty and resist worrying. >>>>However i have been reading your view on this that talks about accepting uncertainty and not seeking and asking for answers even when you’re in the face of what you fear of are not sure of. This is scary and very confusing but i think i understand it perfectly and have been putting it into practice and will tell you what i’m doing about it if that it a good thing. After reading through some of you articles and responses to others you talk pretty much about the same thing and just when i was reading i started unconsciously accepting uncertainty and guess what everything felt okay all of a sudden. I will even intentionally expose myself to things that made me really anxious and things that i talked myself out of when faced with. For example if a though pops into my head that i’m gay, i used to tell myself i’m not gay until it would go down a little, but will always come back. But this time i didn’t do anything and just allowed it. Even though my body was like say something to disprove it, i didn’t. I felt uncomfortable for not saying anything but it didn’t bother me again. What i’ve learnt is that you should accept uncertainty regardless of what happens. And i mean whatever that happens no matter how uncomfortable or painful or unsure it is. Accept it and move on and let your brain no that it’s no big deal even if it goes against you. I have done this. I did this to the point where i didn’t react to anything, whether it makes me feel good or bad. And guess what i felt okay and happy regardless of how uncomfortable it is. Is this progress? —-Sounds right to me. >>>>>There is a problem and question i will like to ask you though. I felt okay to the point i was surprised that i am not worrying about anything anymore. i am not feeling unhappy or extremely happy. I just felt different like those thoughts don’t affect me anymore even though it might sound bothering and triggering. It didn’t make me spike, or do any mental ritual. I just didn’t react to it and i was surprised and really happy. Infact i was reading your article 4 and it made so much sence afterwards especially after the little bits of youtube videos linked to it (funny though) and how you explained to it. Everything seems to make so much sense. I felt really comfortable to the point that i decided to watch porn not because i want to check but because i just want to because it had been a while and just stop afterwards. I used to be afraid of watching porn due to the fact that i would see a gay picture or something that was gay and something would happen. But this time prior to watching the porn i felt really confident that even i see anything like that it doesn’t change my sexual orientation. It’s just something that is not just me and when i see it, move to what i really came for (straight porn) and not worry about seeing it and obsess over it. I felt really okay. Went out to buy something and everything feels so good and like i’m normal. But again i didn’t say that i’m healed i just observed how i feel lived in that moment and moved on. I didn’t conclude that i’m healed completely. just observe and move on. —-Yep, sounds good. >>>>So i went ahead and watched porn and was really aroused prior to watching it and guess what, among the videos of straight porn on the site were gay ones (less though). When i saw it, i was a bit scared at the moment and moved my eyes of it to the straight porn but then i realized, why are you scared it you’re not gay. I told myself previously that i would never watch stuff like that. Also i thought this slight room could give me a chance to do some unconscious exposure without judging. that gave me the confidence to go ahead and click on it, not play the video. I saw the preview shots of the video i clicked. Again i did not play the video, but what i saw didn’t arouse me one bit and i lost my erection because of that. Someone like me suffering from hocd would have been very worried about losing my erection and rejoice and say that i’m not finally gay, but after remembering what i have read about not judging and just observing i just observed. It didn’t arouse me, it was attractive even though it was sexual, i didn’t feel aroused, just a little anxious and shocked i was looking at preview pictures like that. Either way, that gave me confidence and i started to scroll down to see other pictures of gay men actually in the act. It all was the same. Stayed there for around a minute without any erection or arousal (just a little anxiety/a tiny little spike as it was really unusual). Did this back and forth for a while And them moved on. When i moved on to straight porn it was/felt great even though i was a little overwhelmed at just doing what i did. I had trouble concentrating on the straight porn for just a few seconds as my hocd was trying to tell me that what you’ve watched means you’re gay or you enjoyed it even though i didn’t and wasn’t aroused or got an erection from it but i reminded myself that you were doing that only as exposure, without judging, what happened, happened and it doesn’t change anything about you. That helped me concentrate on the straight porn and basically finished off to the straight porn a couple times until now that i’m writing this post. —-I now have a very clear image of you writing this post. >>>>Porn is something i stayed away from and have decided to stay away from not because of watching it today and all what i experience or saw. I’m surprised that i’m not even worried about this and am saying this. I am stopping because it has it’s own bad effects and basically it’s a personal choice to quit it cold turkey regardless. Again not because i saw picture of preview shots of gays/gay porn (Look i’m not even worried or spiking after typing this. Surprising). It’s just a habit i want to pick up. So no more porn starting today (Excited). However the little hocd i around makes me feel bad for seeing those and makes me think that, because i saw/watched it, something has changed about me and that i’ve turned gay even though i know that is not the case (I don’t question it compulsively). I just want to ask a few questions so please do your best to answer them honestly and help me understand (not reassure as i know reassuring doesn’t help. but help me understand. thanks) —-This is a setup. >>>>What i tell myself (not compulsively) is that i went to watch porn just for entertainment because i wanted to see one particular female porn star. So seeing a gay preview (which i was really not okay with initially even in my head, and going ahead to see the other ones, was just an exposure to not judge anything, just to observe, even though i did not enjoy it and was surprised and a little disgusted thinking what is this?) As i was really understanding your whole view about this, does this mean, something has changes or you have turned gay/ you will turn gay regardless of what you think, whether you accept the though or not. (I know that is not the case and what i told myself is.) I’m not directly asking for reassurance. I think i’m doing a great job and i just need you to express your honest opinion. —-I don’t understand the question, but it sounds like you are trying to prove to yourself that it was ok to do the exposure. You seem to be trying to get certainty, both from me and from yourself, that nothing bad did or could happen as a result of looking at the images you looked at. You should not try to get certainty. >>>>Also, trust me, i used to be very bad at this starting with just a thought. I was so uncomfortable with just a single thought that the trainer is hitting on me. If i had that though now. i would totally laugh at my own self this very moment and wouldn’t say that it means I’m gay. So i know for sure that I’m really dong a good job especially after not being worried after watching straight porn today and seeing flashes of gay porn. The funny thing is that prior to this when i used to watch porn without hocd. I would see preview shots of gay porn/ penis enhancement ads and would shrug it off not even aware of it and still continue to pursue what i really went for (straight porn). I think what i did today, partly unconsciously and bold was to actually click on the preview shots of the gay porn, look at it and not judge anything. Even though i never got aroused, i didn’t count this as complete reason for recovery though i was happy and more relieved that it was like that, i didn’t dwell on it and say that i’m ok. Based on all this, i think I’ve done a great job and shouldn’t feel bad as I’ve. —-You keep repeating that you have done a great job as if you are asking me to validate it for you. You should simply accept that you feel good about yourself and not ruin it with reassurance seeking compulsions. >>>>My hocd tricks me into thinking that you’ve contaminated yourself/mind by seeing those pictures of preview shots, but i see it as a good thing as those intrusive thoughts/ images /people are less spiking now to the point where i don’t even worry about some of them completely. Pretty much not scared of it. —The standard treatment approach in a situation like this would be to do more ERP to gay imagery and tell yourself it might make you gay. You are still compulsively trying to reassure yourself that it is ok, which is a trap. >>>>So I’m asking your view on this whether i should feel bad about this or whether this is a bad things or whether watching it will change anything negatively. —You need to do exposure to this obsession that you may have done the wrong thing. You can do this by actually following through with the porn ERP (instead of one-time checking like you did) or by telling yourself that you may have done the wrong thing and may never know the real truth on the matter. >>>>Also since i see sense in the whole idea of beating hocd and am pretty much not worrying and allowing those thoughts to be there and pretty much decided to beat this by doing the opposite and what the hocd tells me, i think I’m doing a good job so it won’t be necessary to go to a therapist. —I can’t help you make that decision based on a blog comment. Many people do well by engaging in self-CBT, usually with the help of a workbook. Many people do well with the help of an ocd specialist. Only you can make that assessment. >>>>The hocd used to trick me into thinking that if you don’t go to a therapist you won’t be okay and it would scare me a lot, but now even if it brings that up, automatically the part of my brain that understands this tell me that it’s not necessary to give into that and whether I’ll feel good or never feel good doesn’t matter. This helps me a lot and keeps me very satisfied and ok. So is all this progress and am i on the right track? Based on what I’ve explained am i doing the right thing. I’m not giving any attention to what the hocd says. Mindfulness is helping me a lot and telling me that if i don’t do/worry about what the hocd says, it doesn’t matter. Is this the mindset that i should continue having regardless of seeing those images. Deep down i know that those images mean nothing pretty much. They’ve actually helped me to the point where I’m not worried about gay stuff anymore. Does this sudden “being okay” mean good or bad. Either way mindfulness is telling me that it’s actually a good thing as i’m not worried about it. I haven’t contaminated anything. I didn’t even watch the videos, others do and don’t even worry about it and here i am worrying about seeing them even though i didn’t like it. I just observed. So please give me your honest opinion about as much as you can about my long post and tell me if I’m doing great. —My opinion is that your post is indeed very long. This is likely because you are compulsively trying to ensure that all the details of your situation have been laid out so I can give you the reassurance you want about whether you are doing CBT for your OCD perfectly. You then go on to rationalize and minimize the significance of watching what you watched, which I think does you an injustice. My recommendation would be to watch more and actually make it ERP. >>>>If i am i will continue on my own with more uncertainty and exposure without response. Even though that is confusing. It has helped me be very calm not. The only thing is that the hocd makes it look like, because you’re not worrying, you like it or have turned gay. —You can do exposure to this fear. >>>>Please let me know what you think about all this. Just understanding. That’s all I’m asking. I know I’m doing a great job. Also what i want to do is continue with my life, pursuing girls like i used to not because of testing, maybe that will happen unconsciously, but i wouldn’t even dwell on it as anything. How i will feel about it whether good or bad is how i feel about it, also exercising, programming and doing personal projects, watching movies(didn’t feel excitement watching it ), playing video games and etc. Do you see this as a good sign? Is this something i should just continue doing regardless of how hocd makes me feel. It’s not reality is just thought that makes you feel a certain way, its not fact right. But either way it doesn’t help to even prove that to your hocd, that’s what i’ve learnt. Just help me understand some more and if what I’m doing is right, encourage me to move on. If that is the case that I’m doing well then i’m totally ok with whatever hocd had done, is doing or will do, and know with all what you’re saying that that’s the best way to deal/go about it. Thank you very much once again for your articles and posts. It is really helping a lot of people and can even heal someone completely. Again i know this is really long, but try your best to read and answer as much as you can so that i can understand it more. I think that will help a lot . Waiting for you reply. —Yeah, it’s really long, man. 😉 I think you are on the right track with accepting uncertainty, but I think you need to rein in the compulsive confessing, reassurance seeking, and mental review, and work harder on more specific exposure with response prevention exercises. >>>>The good thing is that even after all this i’m not worried. Is this a good sign of progress or recovery —Could be. Kay December 29, 2013 at 3:25 am - Reply Hi Hershfield, Thanks for replying. It was funny when you mentioned “lord of the rings long”. I will try and make this reply to your response as precise as possible and not too long. Maybe “Odyssey” long. Thanks. About critical thinking, what i was trying to get to you was that i tend to read meaning and worry about every single detail about things (especially this situation) and make sure i have the answer before i move on. But i’ve realized that’s bad habit. Good description though. How do I deal with backdoor spiking and what is your simply meaning of cbt. Not erp. About me thinking the trainer was flirting with me, It wasn’t mainly because my personal space was being encroached upon. It also wasn’t mainly because i think that he saw “a true gay soul” even though the hocd latched onto it and i started thinking for a while that maybe that was the case. But now i can tell that’s not a good sign and that starting to worry is not good. I think you were right by saying maybe it was a culture shock that caused me anxiety. What i was thinking that time was whether he hitting on me, getting close to me would have anything to do with me being gay/turning gay even though i knew that wasn’t the case. That was how my fear/hocd started in the first place. A combination of all those. Also what you said about gay people having social anxiety about not being liked makes a lot sense. I also knew that the confession compulsion was a bad thing after it gave so much relief for telling someone who gets you. I get it now and have stopped telling people regardless of how bad i feel. lol Thanking me for not telling you the rest of the discomfort i went through was really funny. It made me laugh a lot. Also i have decided not to worry and accept uncertainty regardless of how bad i feel. Also you having a very clear image of me writing that post at that time was really funny. I don’t understand the part of your response that say “This is a setup”. What is the setup? Quitting porn or because i saw/watched it, something has changed about me and that i’ve turned gay even though i know that is not the case? I think you were right by saying that i was trying to prove myself that it was ok doing the exposure. I was trying to get certainty that maybe nothing bad will happen, and will stick with your advice. I remember at one point that i was even going to confess to my pastor that i had done this hoping that this will take away some of the guilt, but then i stopped for all this reason. I knew it would give me relief on the short term but might be terrible later. I watched it and shouldn’t feel bad or think or even know what is going to happen. It happened and i can’t change that whether i feel bad or not. I am having the attitude of “Whatever happened, happened and move on with life”. Also i think you were right that i wanted you to say that i was doing a good job somehow to keep me on track and would have seen that as a bit of a relief. From all that i have learnt about this, It is not a good habit even if it makes me really uncomfortable. I am not going to reassure myself that it was ok that i watched the gay imagery. It’s a bad habit and doesn’t help in the long term. Only in the short. However after seeing enough of it, what if your mind sees this as some sort of compulsion that it needs you to keep seeing them in order to get relief. In that case would that be considered a compulsion and avoid it using CBT. I have pretty much accepted the fact that i watched it and move on regardless of what will happen, but my brain is tricking me into thinking that even though you’ve seen enough, you have to see it anytime you feel scared and uneasy to get some sort of relief. And i know using it to get relief would be some kind of compulsion. I also know erp should be watching without judging/experiencing anything in life that makes you spike/uneasy/fearful without judging. What is your take on this? would that be considered a compulsion. My take on it is that, I watched it (without judging), I am moving on and not even analyze the response. But what if my brain is tricking me somehow into thinking that, now you’ve watched it, you need to watch it every time you’re going through an episode or a scary moment in order to feel relief. Would you have to use cbt instead to shrug that off as it could be illogical thinking (I think it is. I just comes up with anything) or if worst comes to worst, tell myself that i might have done the wrong thing and may never know the real truth on the matter as you suggested. I’m not going to worry about whether or not something bad is going to happen for watching the gay imagery. Also for anyone who might read through my post, i made a statement “it was attractive even though it was sexual”. What i meant was “it wasn’t attractive even though it was sexual”. Also i wanted you take on this. Before all this started i used to be really excited and happy about everything. Even the slightest thing will make me happy and laugh (ex. Watching movies, listening to music, the smell of perfumes, seeing the sunshine, you know, just life. I’m wierd i know lol). But after this happened i’m not as excited and happy when i compare it to how i used to feel. For example, i would be in a happy mood, and change mood once i think about all this. When i watch a movie that’s nice and exciting i tend to think about this and it cause me to not even enjoy it. Someone cracks a joke and once i start finding it funny and start laughing, my mind reminds me of this and then my mood changes from happy to neutral or sad/depressed. It’s now a bit ok but when it all happened i couldn’t help but associate this with never being happy or achieving anything in life even though i had lots of dreams and plans. Is this normal? What’s your take on this? and how do i apply erp to this? Also is it normal that all this can affect your confidence level in general and what would be a way to use erp in this sense to deal with situations like this. Thanks. Haha, sorry about my initial long post. I made you read all that, but thanks a lot. Great work. I’ve tried my best to not ask compulsively here to seek reassurance and made this as short as possible. Hope it’s a bit of a relief even though it might still be long somehow. This hocd thing is interesting, maybe the best thing to do will be to go through it blindfolded and take life on as your erp lol and do my day to day activities (exercising, programming, watching movies, playing video games) lol Kay December 29, 2013 at 4:26 am - Reply Also you were curious about where i was from. Africa but live in the United States now and have been here for a couple of years, so that’s why it was surprising to me. Because i never experienced anything like this. It just doesn’t happen and even if is there, is shun on and looked down upon. The funny thing about all this is, i never feared like this and pretty much was openminded about that. But i thing when this involved me personally, i started having those thoughts. I answered because you were wondering where i was from. Thanks. Happy New Year. Jonathan Hershfield December 30, 2013 at 8:36 pm - Reply >>>>Hi Hershfield, Thanks for replying. It was funny when you mentioned “lord of the rings long”. I will try and make this reply to your response as precise as possible and not too long. Maybe “Odyssey” long. Thanks. —-Fingers crossed. >>>>About critical thinking, what i was trying to get to you was that i tend to read meaning and worry about every single detail about things (especially this situation) and make sure i have the answer before i move on. But i’ve realized that’s bad habit. Good description though. —More than a bad habit, you need to look at your attempts to find certainty in the meaning of things as a mental compulsion. >>>>How do I deal with backdoor spiking and what is your simply meaning of cbt. Not erp. —Backdoor spiking should be dealt with the same way as any unwanted thought, which is by doing exposure to the idea that your lack of upset means you could be gay. Also by accepting that you will spike sometimes because that’s what it;s like to have OCD and nothing needs to be done about it (least of all trying to figure out what it means!). CBT stands for cognitive behavioral therapy. It is a form of therapy that includes addressing distorted thinking (cognitive therapy) and changing behaviors (through exposure w/ response prevention). >>>About me thinking the trainer was flirting with me, It wasn’t mainly because my personal space was being encroached upon. It also wasn’t mainly because i think that he saw “a true gay soul” even though the hocd latched onto it and i started thinking for a while that maybe that was the case. But now i can tell that’s not a good sign and that starting to worry is not good. I think you were right by saying maybe it was a culture shock that caused me anxiety. What i was thinking that time was whether he hitting on me, getting close to me would have anything to do with me being gay/turning gay even though i knew that wasn’t the case. That was how my fear/hocd started in the first place. A combination of all those. Also what you said about gay people having social anxiety about not being liked makes a lot sense. I also knew that the confession compulsion was a bad thing after it gave so much relief for telling someone who gets you. I get it now and have stopped telling people regardless of how bad i feel. —You misunderstood what I was saying. I don’t know if gay people have more social anxiety than straight people (I doubt it). I was not saying he was gay. I was saying he may have been overly friendly because he has social anxiety because a lot of people with social anxiety either avoid people or go to extremes trying to get people to like them. This is ironic because the way he may have been dealing with his anxiety was triggering your own anxiety. Anyway, he may have just been a friendly person. >>>lol Thanking me for not telling you the rest of the discomfort i went through was really funny. It made me laugh a lot. Also i have decided not to worry and accept uncertainty regardless of how bad i feel. Also you having a very clear image of me writing that post at that time was really funny. I don’t understand the part of your response that say “This is a setup”. What is the setup? Quitting porn or because i saw/watched it, something has changed about me and that i’ve turned gay even though i know that is not the case? —-If you look at where I said it, I was responding to the fact that you were setting me up to give you reassurance. >>>>I think you were right by saying that i was trying to prove myself that it was ok doing the exposure. I was trying to get certainty that maybe nothing bad will happen, and will stick with your advice. I remember at one point that i was even going to confess to my pastor that i had done this hoping that this will take away some of the guilt, but then i stopped for all this reason. I knew it would give me relief on the short term but might be terrible later. I watched it and shouldn’t feel bad or think or even know what is going to happen. It happened and i can’t change that whether i feel bad or not. I am having the attitude of “Whatever happened, happened and move on with life”. —That’s good that you resisted reassurance seeking with the pastor and that’s find that you are taking a “whatever happened, happened” approach. I still think you should do more ERP to gay imagery until you stop treating it like it’s important. But if you don’t, you have to stop trying to convince yourself it was ok when you did. >>>>Also i think you were right that i wanted you to say that i was doing a good job somehow to keep me on track and would have seen that as a bit of a relief. From all that i have learnt about this, It is not a good habit even if it makes me really uncomfortable. I am not going to reassure myself that it was ok that i watched the gay imagery. It’s a bad habit and doesn’t help in the long term. Only in the short. However after seeing enough of it, what if your mind sees this as some sort of compulsion that it needs you to keep seeing them in order to get relief. In that case would that be considered a compulsion and avoid it using CBT. —You will have to work out the complexities of when a behavior is compulsive with a therapist. In general, if the goal is to relieve anxiety about an intrusive thought, then it is probably a compulsion. Watching gay porn in an attempt to reassure yourself that you don’t like it would definitely be compulsive. Watching it while resisting the urge to self-reassure and check, and accepting that it may “turn you gay” would be an exposure. >>>>I have pretty much accepted the fact that i watched it and move on regardless of what will happen, but my brain is tricking me into thinking that even though you’ve seen enough, you have to see it anytime you feel scared and uneasy to get some sort of relief. And i know using it to get relief would be some kind of compulsion. —Right, as a general note, you want ERP like this to be done in specific intentional exercises, and not simply as direct responses to being triggered. I have worked with clients who write themselves worst-case-scenario stories every time they get triggered. On the surface this may look like an exposure, but it is actually a covert ritual. >>>I also know erp should be watching without judging/experiencing anything in life that makes you spike/uneasy/fearful without judging. What is your take on this? would that be considered a compulsion. My take on it is that, I watched it (without judging), I am moving on and not even analyze the response. But what if my brain is tricking me somehow into thinking that, now you’ve watched it, you need to watch it every time you’re going through an episode or a scary moment in order to feel relief. Would you have to use cbt instead to shrug that off as it could be illogical thinking (I think it is. I just comes up with anything) or if worst comes to worst, tell myself that i might have done the wrong thing and may never know the real truth on the matter as you suggested. I’m not going to worry about whether or not something bad is going to happen for watching the gay imagery. —-I think the experience triggered you and you should do exposure to the things that trigger you until they stop triggering you. >>>>Also for anyone who might read through my post, i made a statement “it was attractive even though it was sexual”. What i meant was “it wasn’t attractive even though it was sexual”. —Also, for anyone who may be reading this post, THAT was a compulsion. >>>>Also i wanted you take on this. Before all this started i used to be really excited and happy about everything. Even the slightest thing will make me happy and laugh (ex. Watching movies, listening to music, the smell of perfumes, seeing the sunshine, you know, just life. I’m wierd i know lol). But after this happened i’m not as excited and happy when i compare it to how i used to feel. —You can’t feel joy while comparing it to other feelings. You have to stop checking and comparing your feelings and accept them each as they are in the present moment. Then they feel more vibrant. It’s the checking that mutes everything. It’s like trying to tickle yourself. >>>>For example, i would be in a happy mood, and change mood once i think about all this. When i watch a movie that’s nice and exciting i tend to think about this and it cause me to not even enjoy it. Someone cracks a joke and once i start finding it funny and start laughing, my mind reminds me of this and then my mood changes from happy to neutral or sad/depressed. It’s now a bit ok but when it all happened i couldn’t help but associate this with never being happy or achieving anything in life even though i had lots of dreams and plans. Is this normal? What’s your take on this? and how do i apply erp to this? —Label and abandon the efforts to check and assess your feelings, and tell yourself you may be having the wrong reactions to things. >>>>Also is it normal that all this can affect your confidence level in general and what would be a way to use erp in this sense to deal with situations like this. Thanks. —What people do to regain confidence can vary. At the core of it, I would say it comes down to behaving like a person who is confident, which means behaving like a person who is willing to accept that if he is wrong, he will be able to cope with the consequences. Mentally reviewing whether or not you made a mistake would be the behavior of someone who is not confident, so you’re brain figures you must not be confident. >>>>Haha, sorry about my initial long post. I made you read all that, but thanks a lot. Great work. I’ve tried my best to not ask compulsively here to seek reassurance and made this as short as possible. Hope it’s a bit of a relief even though it might still be long somehow. This hocd thing is interesting, maybe the best thing to do will be to go through it blindfolded and take life on as your erp lol and do my day to day activities (exercising, programming, watching movies, playing video games) lol —Life is ERP, I agree. Kay December 31, 2013 at 3:32 am Thank you Hershfield. That was helpful information. Happy New Year. John December 28, 2013 at 10:48 pm - Reply Hello Mr. Hershfield. I’d like to state now that I am sending this message not looking for reassurance, but a matter of fact statement. I’ve done too much reassuring this developing this condition, and I’m ready to try and push forward. With that in mind, I’ll try and regale quickly if possible my story and then my query. I have had HOCD for four, going on five years. I’ve had OCD probably out of the womb honestly, I’ve had counting, hoarding, and washing ticks since I can remember. Also, the very first time (around eight or nine) I learned what homosexuality was, I immediately feared I was gay. These thoughts passed after about a couple weeks, but HOCD isn’t necessarily new for me. Then about seven years later my true boxing match with it began. I’m not sure if having it this young is relevant or not, but I thought it’d be worth mentioning. Anyways, when I first started compulsions, I thought they were real questions that I needed to ask and answer. I thought perhaps it was a phase, or maybe even a true coming out process. After several months, it became clear to me this wasn’t the case. I moved on then to thinking it was something I over thought and believed I’d move on from. It didn’t. Then I thought it was a bad habit and thought I could break it. I couldn’t. It wasn’t until a couple years ago I learned I had HOCD. Obviously the relief at the time was huge, but against all odds, my life has gotten inexplicably WORSE since the revelation of it being HOCD. Now every waking moment is HOCD centric. I’ve analyzed my dreams, thoughts, everything. I spend time trying not to obsess, fighting it. I have gay thoughts almost every day and homosexual imagery obviously pops up. I used porn a lot early on and I think that lent a certain “fantasy” component to the way my mind forms these thoughts. I don’t know. I just… gah it’s tough to describe. I HATE these thoughts. I want these thoughts GONE. Yet I feel like I NEED to think them. I feel if I don’t they’ll just linger there forever and eat me up. Then I found out about tranny porn and androgynous male imagery. Now that pretty much is nonstop on my mind. So my query is, do I let these thoughts be? Should I just allow my brain to have them and let go and hope it runs through my system? I’ve read all about acceptance and mindfulness but I just can’t figure out what that means. Is it a form of graceful ignorance? Or do I interact with them in a hopes of coexistence? I’m not looking for reassurance. I understand that thoughts aren’t actions. We all have weird thoughts, from violent to sexual. Having a thought about a man doesn’t make me anymore gay than a thought about a woman makes Elton John straight. I’m here to learn how to circumvent my thoughts so I have I dunno… breathing room? Thank you for your time if you choose to respond. Your blogs are educational and great, and you useful are very kind and helpful. Happy Holidays. 🙂 Jonathan Hershfield December 30, 2013 at 8:16 pm - Reply >>>Hello Mr. Hershfield. I’d like to state now that I am sending this message not looking for reassurance, but a matter of fact statement. I’ve done too much reassuring this developing this condition, and I’m ready to try and push forward. —Good! >>>With that in mind, I’ll try and regale quickly if possible my story and then my query. I have had HOCD for four, going on five years. I’ve had OCD probably out of the womb honestly, I’ve had counting, hoarding, and washing ticks since I can remember. Also, the very first time (around eight or nine) I learned what homosexuality was, I immediately feared I was gay. These thoughts passed after about a couple weeks, but HOCD isn’t necessarily new for me. Then about seven years later my true boxing match with it began. I’m not sure if having it this young is relevant or not, but I thought it’d be worth mentioning. —Many people develop OCD symptoms when they’re quite young and in my experience these people tend to eventually do the world tour of potential obsessions, including HOCD. >>>>Anyways, when I first started compulsions, I thought they were real questions that I needed to ask and answer. I thought perhaps it was a phase, or maybe even a true coming out process. After several months, it became clear to me this wasn’t the case. I moved on then to thinking it was something I over thought and believed I’d move on from. It didn’t. Then I thought it was a bad habit and thought I could break it. I couldn’t. It wasn’t until a couple years ago I learned I had HOCD. Obviously the relief at the time was huge, but against all odds, my life has gotten inexplicably WORSE since the revelation of it being HOCD. —I’m not clear what you mean by “bad habit” or what behaviors you changed to move on from this obsession. >>>Now every waking moment is HOCD centric. I’ve analyzed my dreams, thoughts, everything. I spend time trying not to obsess, fighting it. I have gay thoughts almost every day and homosexual imagery obviously pops up. I used porn a lot early on and I think that lent a certain “fantasy” component to the way my mind forms these thoughts. I don’t know. I just… gah it’s tough to describe. I HATE these thoughts. I want these thoughts GONE. Yet I feel like I NEED to think them. I feel if I don’t they’ll just linger there forever and eat me up. Then I found out about tranny porn and androgynous male imagery. Now that pretty much is nonstop on my mind. —-What I’m hearing is that you are doing a LOT of compulsions and that this appears to be your main strategy for coping with the unwanted thoughts. You will have to stop doing compulsions and do exposure to the idea that these thoughts you hate are indeed still just thoughts and may or may not go away if you let them be. >>>>So my query is, do I let these thoughts be? Should I just allow my brain to have them and let go and hope it runs through my system? —I would say have them, let go, and call “hoping” another ritual. Accept that they may stay. The only reason they feel like intruders to you is because you treat them as intrusive. >>>>I’ve read all about acceptance and mindfulness but I just can’t figure out what that means. Is it a form of graceful ignorance? —I don’t know what that means. Mindfulness in this context simply means acknowledging that you are in the presence of certain thoughts and accepting them AS thoughts without weighing in on their potential significance. Unicorn. You also just had a thought about unicorns. This you can accept without doing rituals to try to get it to go away. The same is true of all thoughts. >>>>Or do I interact with them in a hopes of coexistence? —Any interaction with them should come in the form of accepting uncertainty about them or doing exposure to them. >>>>I’m not looking for reassurance. I understand that thoughts aren’t actions. We all have weird thoughts, from violent to sexual. Having a thought about a man doesn’t make me anymore gay than a thought about a woman makes Elton John straight. I’m here to learn how to circumvent my thoughts so I have I dunno… breathing room? —You’re trying to get around them, which automatically labels them as bad, which makes their presence less tolerable. Instead of trying to circumvent them, you need to try to let them pass through like cars on a freeway. >>>>Thank you for your time if you choose to respond. Your blogs are educational and great, and you useful are very kind and helpful. Happy Holidays. —-I recommend you take a look at Jonathan Grayson’s book Freedom from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which talks a lot about acceptance of uncertainty with unwanted thoughts. And also The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD should help explain some if these concepts. 🙂 Marisa January 1, 2014 at 4:55 am - Reply Hello, I was feeling better for awhile but the past 2 weeks I’ve been feeling like crap again. The thing is…I’ve never been able to pretend/deny/whatever that I’m gay. I’m trying really hard to accept it and be okay with it because that seems like my only option for peace, but I feel like a different person and I hate it…I don’t like this new me, but I don’t see how any of this can be resolved. I know there’s no way to go back and it seems like the only way I can get any peace is by fully embracing being gay and being okay with it. Honestly, it should be an easy transition for me…I have no previous sexual experience, I’m pretty sure most of my family and friends already think I’m gay (my sister already asked), and I’ve always been too afraid to date guys because of issues with my looks. I think it would be easier for me to just be a happy gay, but like I said..I don’t like who who I am right now. Also, I feel so different from when it first started. At first, I was so fearful of going in that direction even though I knew that’s where I was heading, but, now, I think I can do it. I can physically do it and I’m sure I can like a woman (she’s a person like any other person) and be just fine in a relationship, probably happy. I don’t think it’s disgusting and I’m sure I could do it. The thing is…whenever I see a decent looking woman I just repeat how pretty she is over and over again like a broken record. It annoys me and I never did it in the past, but I didn’t think I was gay in the past either. So, I’m guessing this is just gay behavior and I have to embrace/ accept it…be who I am, but, right now, I hate it. It’s like I have no balance. I’m extreme about women, even with women who previously had no impact on me. I don’t even think I could be comfortable or faithful in a gay relationship because I would just start thinking about the next pretty face, and it’s all about the beauty/ appearance. It’s like there’s no depth, I’m so shallow about it. That’s another thing that I hate, but..you know what…I think I understand why a lot of heterosexual men have types now…there’s a lot pretty ladies and it’s good to narrow the field for your own sake…trust me. But…I don’t think I’ll ever be with a guy now either. It just doesn’t seem possible since i’m going through this. I’m so afraid that I’ll just end up being gay and hurting someone’s feeling so I’m not even willing to go there anymore. Any who, I feel like a total mess and chicken sh*t and I don’t know how anyone can help me. I don’t even think I have OCD so how can I go to an OCD specialist. I mean…I don’t know what to do, but I don’t want live like this. I know that for sure. Happy New Year!!! Marisa January 1, 2014 at 9:02 am - Reply Yeah, my previous post is kind of a mess. I feel so unstable lately. This thing…whatever it is…seems to go in so many erratic directions so quickly that it’s hard to describe exactly how I feel right now. I’m trying to hold on to who I was because I don’t want this to be my new norm, but it seems impossible. How I felt just two weeks ago seems like two decades ago. Who and what I liked at the beginning of the year seems like a distant memory from another life. It’s all kind of strange to me. All I know is that, right now, I’m trying to accept my homosexuality (I never tried to even deny it really), but I still feel like crap and I feel like that ALL day because it’s always on my mind. I know there’s some deep rooted fear I have about being gay because I wouldn’t be going through this if it didn’t exist. It’s just that I have no real romantic prospects at the moment. I’m not crushing on any chicks. I don’t have any active desire to be romantically linked to a woman. I’m not craving any particular gender…I used to fall for a person, which just happened to have been all guys in the past, but I always left myself open to falling for anyone even a woman. So, I was fine not labeling myself since I felt like I could like anyone, but I can’t seem to be relaxed about this any longer. I don’t what I want anymore and I can’t what I recall what I did want, but I think I’m placing myself in the gay box because I’m exhibiting, what I feel to be, grossly gay behavior (being so extreme about how pretty woman are). Also, I think I’m preparing myself for what I will most likely desire in the future, which I’m guessing is some pretty lady since, again, I’m so obsessed with their looks, and guys no longer seem like a possibility because I’m going through this. I simply want internal peace. I want to be okay with who I am now and be upset or happy about where ever I’m going when I get there. I want to stop thinking about it. I’m confident that my desire will lead me to where ever I truly want to go, but I don’t know how to let this go. It’s like I can’t let it go. I will say this, I started feeling better after I watched all of Beyonce’s new videos at one time. She’s a pretty lady with great skin and initially I had a crap load of anxiety watching the videos because they are very sexed up, but I got overloaded with feminine beauty and beautiful skin and…I just got bored with it. It lost its impact. I remember working through some issues with beauty and how I can still do stuff and enjoy my life even though I’m not aesthetically perfect. I just felt better about life. I wasn’t 100% well, but I stopped being so extreme about the way women look. I could watch shows without feeling uncomfortable…it was really nice. It only lasted for like two weeks, though. I suspect a lot of this has to do with the issues I have with how I look. I’m 30 now. I’m tired of caring. I don’t want to care anymore…I’ve wasted too much time caring about stuff that doesn’t matter. My ultimate goal is not to be straight, it’s for internal peace and this has shook me worse than anything else has. Do you think a therapist could help me gain peace? Jonathan Hershfield January 9, 2014 at 5:48 am - Reply I think there is OCD going on here and what you are calling “accepting” is actually more like just telling yourself something you don’t believe in the hopes that it will stop the constant obsessing and doubt. I think a therapist can help. Jonathan Hershfield January 9, 2014 at 5:45 am - Reply >>>>Hello, I was feeling better for awhile but the past 2 weeks I’ve been feeling like crap again. The thing is…I’ve never been able to pretend/deny/whatever that I’m gay. I’m trying really hard to accept it and be okay with it because that seems like my only option for peace, but I feel like a different person and I hate it…I don’t like this new me, but I don’t see how any of this can be resolved. I know there’s no way to go back and it seems like the only way I can get any peace is by fully embracing being gay and being okay with it. Honestly, it should be an easy transition for me…I have no previous sexual experience, I’m pretty sure most of my family and friends already think I’m gay (my sister already asked), and I’ve always been too afraid to date guys because of issues with my looks. I think it would be easier for me to just be a happy gay, but like I said..I don’t like who who I am right now. —If the issue is with your distorted views about your appearance, it doesn’t compute that life as a lesbian would be any easier than life as a heterosexual. Rather than focus on your orientation, I would look into treatment for the image issues. The treatment is actually pretty similar – challenging distorted thinking and exposing to fears on how you’re perceived. >>>>Also, I feel so different from when it first started. At first, I was so fearful of going in that direction even though I knew that’s where I was heading, but, now, I think I can do it. I can physically do it and I’m sure I can like a woman (she’s a person like any other person) and be just fine in a relationship, probably happy. I don’t think it’s disgusting and I’m sure I could do it. —OK. This would be true of anyone. >>>>The thing is…whenever I see a decent looking woman I just repeat how pretty she is over and over again like a broken record. It annoys me and I never did it in the past, but I didn’t think I was gay in the past either. So, I’m guessing this is just gay behavior and I have to embrace/ accept it…be who I am, but, right now, I hate it. It’s like I have no balance. I’m extreme about women, even with women who previously had no impact on me. I don’t even think I could be comfortable or faithful in a gay relationship because I would just start thinking about the next pretty face, and it’s all about the beauty/ appearance. It’s like there’s no depth, I’m so shallow about it. That’s another thing that I hate, but..you know what…I think I understand why a lot of heterosexual men have types now…there’s a lot pretty ladies and it’s good to narrow the field for your own sake…trust me. —This repeating ritual sounds like compulsive flooding to me. It’s still something you’re doing to avoid the discomfort of uncertainty. >>>>But…I don’t think I’ll ever be with a guy now either. It just doesn’t seem possible since i’m going through this. I’m so afraid that I’ll just end up being gay and hurting someone’s feeling so I’m not even willing to go there anymore. —This fear of hurting people by coming out is common in HOCD. Buying into it is a good way to ensure you never get to enjoy anything in life. >>>>Any who, I feel like a total mess and chicken sh*t and I don’t know how anyone can help me. I don’t even think I have OCD so how can I go to an OCD specialist. I mean…I don’t know what to do, but I don’t want live like this. I know that for sure. Happy New Year!!! —Well, happy new year to you too! My vote is to see a therapist and let them decide on a diagnosis. You need a plan and any plan is better than relying on rituals. Marisa January 12, 2014 at 5:18 am - Reply Thanks for the reply! Question: Do you think this may be a phobia that is constantly on our minds because we’re basically afraid of who we might be or who we’re going to be? I feel myself trembling at times because I’m so afraid of where I seem to be going and where I am, but I’m not a classic OCD sufferer. Sure, I have extreme self esteem issues and I can’t let things go but I’ve never counted things or anything. Still, I do think something is wrong. Jonathan Hershfield January 18, 2014 at 7:39 pm - Reply This isa good way to put it. Phobia is probably not the right clinical or technical term, but the fear of simply being something or someone you do not want to be pervades most OCD issues. The thing to remember is that you never were and never will be in control of what you become, only what you choose to do from moment to moment. This is achieved by acceptance of your thoughts and feelings, not by trying to control them. Marisa January 20, 2014 at 6:03 pm Thanks Jonathan. I just woke up so sure I’m gay. Like it was a permanent truth, never to change. Like there was a period at the end of the sentence. Like it’s over. The thing is…I’m so sad and I don’t know how to be anymore. I pretty much spent the entire weekend checking and when I went to sleep I said one thing and as soon as I woke up I thought the exact opposite and it feels like the truth. I wish something felt good about this experience. Oh well…I think this is the end of my story. Now, I just have to deal. Jonathan Hershfield January 21, 2014 at 5:44 am Has it occurred to you that “I pretty much spent the entire weekend checking” followed by a drastic worsening of your obsession might not be a coincidence? Marisa January 22, 2014 at 8:37 pm Well, I check and obsess every weekend, but I suppose I did do something different this weekend. I went to a website and read How Do you Know stories [and more]. I was trying to eliminate the fear. Serious question, how can a therapist help me? What exactly do you focus on when dealing with something like this? Do you help a person become comfortable with the thoughts? I don’t know anything anymore. I just know I’m unhappy and unfamiliar with myself. Jonathan Hershfield January 31, 2014 at 6:16 am >>>>Well, I check and obsess every weekend, but I suppose I did do something different this weekend. I went to a website and read How Do you Know stories [and more]. I was trying to eliminate the fear. —It sounds more like you were doing a compulsion to check and self-reassure. If you want to eliminate fear, you have to confront it without doing compulsions. >>>>Serious question, how can a therapist help me? What exactly do you focus on when dealing with something like this? Do you help a person become comfortable with the thoughts? I don’t know anything anymore. I just know I’m unhappy and unfamiliar with myself. —This question is answered in excruciating detail in all four segments of this blog. John January 3, 2014 at 8:20 pm - Reply Thank you for your response Mr. Hershfield! As I know that coming back to HOCD websites and forums becomes a compulsion for reassurance after awhile I’ll attempt to not return here after this response. But I’d just like to respond to some things. I’m sorry if there was confusion over the “bad habits” bit. What I was trying to convey was not a change in obsessions, but simply how I viewed my HOCD. I misread it as honest to God questioning or just a natural growth process. After about a year, it became clear to me that this couldn’t be the case and investigated. I always was aware of and knew I had OCD, but I was never aware of the wealth of OCDs such as HOCD or Harm OCD that are very rarely if ever talked about publicly. It was enlightening and a great feeling at the time, but of course you would know reassurance doesn’t help at all in the end. Knowing you have a problem and solving it are two different things. I hope this clears up any confusion. Thank you for your response on Mindfulness. You have to understand, when you’re an OCDer, your OCD tends to contort and manipulate things to forcefully get what it wants. I guess mine kept trying to convince me Mindfulness was a form of thinking and questioning the subject of my thoughts and fantasies and so on and so forth. It’s not. Having a little guidance in areas like this is tremendous and I thank you greatly. Finally, to truncate this as best I can, I’ll respond to two subjects quickly and hopefully be done. As far as my compulsions go, yes I do give in to a lot of them. I blame a great deal of it on my lack of knowledge on HOCD early on. I created an infrastructure that I believed aided me but really is holding me down. But I should have known by now to have torn it down but it’s truly harder than it sounds. Every time I get close I get sucked into a new compulsion. Masturbation & Porn reassurance is probably my singular greatest weakness. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve masturbated then gone “did I have an image of a man pop in there at some point? What does that mean” or any number of things along that line. It sounds incredulous and silly but it feels real at that moment. Overcoming compulsions to reassure like that, and abstaining from porn in general, is important to me. Finally, I’ll try and look up and read those recommendations you gave me. Anything that can help out on these subjects is something I’m willing to look into. Thank you again, and I hope you had a Happy New Year. 🙂 Jackie January 5, 2014 at 6:57 pm - Reply Hello Mr. Hershfield. I believe that i suffer from HOCD for the past 8 months, I got some meds and it got better, I wasnt that anxious anymore, but I still couldnt get all the gay thoughts out of my head. So it all started 8 months ago. For quite some time I watch lesbian porn but not very often and I just started checking myself if I find girls attractive in real life because once intercourse with my bf wasnt that great. And than the hell began! I couldnt stop checking if I find other girls attractive, I checked several porn sides to prove that Im straight and I went to a lot of sides where people post stories about their coming outs. So the internet became my best friend for some weeks. I googled every possible tag on lesbian/coming out/ denial and it freakéd the hell out of me. I couldnt sleep or do anything else but cry about it. Several times I went through my past to find any prove for me being a lesbian. Every time I saw a girl I checked if I want to kiss her and if her body turns me on. I checked porn and I checked my past. I check everything and worry constantly about my sexual orientation. I asked for reassurance when I talked to my mom and I prayed a lot. I am seeing a therapist right now but Its only talking, I dont know what to do anymore! Today I had so much but inside I know that i love boys and want to marry one some day. I cannot imagine laying in a bed with a girl or spend my future life with one! Please help me! Jonathan Hershfield January 9, 2014 at 6:31 am - Reply Hi Jackie, you describe yourself doing a lot of compulsions that are common in OCD. If your therapist is only doing talk therapy and you want to overcome your obsession, you may need a different therapist. Unless the person you are working with is doing CBT with ERP, it is unlikely you will find success. The concept of “getting thoughts out of your head” is at the root of the problem. Thoughts are to be experienced, not removed. Falcon January 15, 2014 at 5:41 am - Reply When I was younger, around eight or nine, I had two experiences with two females my age. We touched each other’s private parts with each other’s genitals, but we didn’t have any idea what we were doing. I didn’t even understand what the word ‘gay’ meant at that time. We were doing it because we were ‘practising for the real thing’. I don’t remember how long it went on for, and for a long time, I didn’t tell anyone. We ended up moving away from that place after staying there for about a year. One day, I told my mom what happened and she told me that it was okay, but I remember crying. I don’t remember anything else that happened… Anyway, it stopped bothering me for a couple of years, and whenever I thought about it, I’d just push it out of my mind, but I know I never fully got over it. I never had any relationships with males when I was a teenager because I had bad anxiety and grew up to believe that all males were out for one thing, so I was scared. I was really overprotected as a child. I remember having crushes on guys, etc, but nothing really came from any of that. I have always thought that girls were attractive, but have never wanted anything sexual to do with them… I just don’t see myself doing things like that, especially not after the experience I had when I was a child. I didn’t enjoy it. It was just something that happened. I remember being younger and not being able to look at people without thinking, I want to have sex with them. But I was only twelve or thirteen and it happened to be everyone I looked at. I didn’t know what was happening, but I pushed it out of my mind. I started compulsively handwashing and focusing on my blinking… but it just stopped. Until it all came back in 2013. I remember getting high and thinking about this guy I had a crush on and I was like, ‘why doesn’t he like me?’, and then it all came flooding in. Maybe I’m gay, maybe the reason I have never had a relationship is because I am actually a lesbian? Maybe I am in love with my mom? Maybe I have oedipal-complex. And for weeks, I couldn’t even talk to my mom without feeling guilty, and I obsessively thought back to when I was a child, trying to rationalize what had happened. I remember looking at a photo of a girl in a swimsuit when I was younger and thinking she was attractive, so that must mean that I am a lesbian? Looking at websites of girls with big boobs? I was jealous of how big they were. The fact that those things happened when I was younger, that must mean something, right? I tried to justify it to myself… I asked my mom, am I a lesbian? And she told me that if I were, I would have shown signs when I was a kid… so I thought, that experience I had, that must mean something, right? The fact that I never had a relationship or sex with countless males? Hardly ever masturbated, etc? Wasn’t like other girls my age? Had more male friends than females? I tried to think of my childhood and I am pretty sure I made up a few scenarios in my head just to please my OCD. I tried admitting that I was a lesbian or bisexual, but it just never felt right. I couldn’t take it anymore, I was severely depressed. I had to tell my doctor. I broke down, told him everything, and he told me that kids have those types of experiences when they were younger, it doesn’t mean anything. He referred me to a therapist and I was finally diagnosed with OCD in October of 2013. I met my boyfriend in September, and I told him straight off that I am having these types of thoughts and instead of leaving me, he’s supported me. He understands that everyone has these thoughts and just thinking someone is attractive doesn’t automatically mean that you want to have sex with them. However, I sometimes question my attraction to him. I know deep down that I want to be with him as long as I can, but I can’t help these thoughts. I started CBT therapy in November and I have been doing some self reading about mindfulness, and I am happy to say that the thoughts don’t plague me as much as they used too… However, when I talked to my therapist about my issues, she said: “I think that everyone is a bit bisexual.” Which I took to mean: “We can see beauty in just about everyone, how we interpret it and what we do with that, really makes us who we are.” I just wanted your opinon, would the CBT therapy that I am doing along with mindfulness help me with my HOCD and ROCD recovery? I just want to live my life, not plagued by thoughts that I can not control. Thank you for this article, it really helped me. Jonathan Hershfield January 18, 2014 at 8:11 pm - Reply >>>>When I was younger, around eight or nine, I had two experiences with two females my age. We touched each other’s private parts with each other’s genitals, but we didn’t have any idea what we were doing. I didn’t even understand what the word ‘gay’ meant at that time. We were doing it because we were ‘practising for the real thing’. I don’t remember how long it went on for, and for a long time, I didn’t tell anyone. We ended up moving away from that place after staying there for about a year. One day, I told my mom what happened and she told me that it was okay, but I remember crying. I don’t remember anything else that happened… Anyway, it stopped bothering me for a couple of years, and whenever I thought about it, I’d just push it out of my mind, but I know I never fully got over it. —I’m not clear on what there is to “get over.” This sounds like completely normal behavior for 8-9 year olds. >>>>I never had any relationships with males when I was a teenager because I had bad anxiety and grew up to believe that all males were out for one thing, so I was scared. I was really overprotected as a child. I remember having crushes on guys, etc, but nothing really came from any of that. I have always thought that girls were attractive, but have never wanted anything sexual to do with them… I just don’t see myself doing things like that, especially not after the experience I had when I was a child. I didn’t enjoy it. It was just something that happened. —Right, why would you need to “get over” just something that happened? >>>I remember being younger and not being able to look at people without thinking, I want to have sex with them. But I was only twelve or thirteen and it happened to be everyone I looked at. I didn’t know what was happening, but I pushed it out of my mind. I started compulsively handwashing and focusing on my blinking… but it just stopped. Until it all came back in 2013. I remember getting high and thinking about this guy I had a crush on and I was like, ‘why doesn’t he like me?’, and then it all came flooding in. Maybe I’m gay, maybe the reason I have never had a relationship is because I am actually a lesbian? Maybe I am in love with my mom? Maybe I have oedipal-complex. And for weeks, I couldn’t even talk to my mom without feeling guilty, and I obsessively thought back to when I was a child, trying to rationalize what had happened. I remember looking at a photo of a girl in a swimsuit when I was younger and thinking she was attractive, so that must mean that I am a lesbian? Looking at websites of girls with big boobs? I was jealous of how big they were. The fact that those things happened when I was younger, that must mean something, right? —Sounds like the kind of logic OCD uses to trick you into feeding it. >>>>I tried to justify it to myself… I asked my mom, am I a lesbian? And she told me that if I were, I would have shown signs when I was a kid… so I thought, that experience I had, that must mean something, right? The fact that I never had a relationship or sex with countless males? Hardly ever masturbated, etc? Wasn’t like other girls my age? Had more male friends than females? I tried to think of my childhood and I am pretty sure I made up a few scenarios in my head just to please my OCD. I tried admitting that I was a lesbian or bisexual, but it just never felt right. I couldn’t take it anymore, I was severely depressed. I had to tell my doctor. I broke down, told him everything, and he told me that kids have those types of experiences when they were younger, it doesn’t mean anything. He referred me to a therapist and I was finally diagnosed with OCD in October of 2013. —It is unfortunate how it often takes many years for people to finally get diagnosed and get help. >>>>I met my boyfriend in September, and I told him straight off that I am having these types of thoughts and instead of leaving me, he’s supported me. He understands that everyone has these thoughts and just thinking someone is attractive doesn’t automatically mean that you want to have sex with them. However, I sometimes question my attraction to him. I know deep down that I want to be with him as long as I can, but I can’t help these thoughts. —Questioning your attraction or feeling sfor a person in any relationship is normal. That’s how the brain works, by raising questions. But when you add OCD to the mix, the urgency with which your anxiety tells you to try to answer and eliminate those questions ends up creating big unnecessary messes. >>>>I started CBT therapy in November and I have been doing some self reading about mindfulness, and I am happy to say that the thoughts don’t plague me as much as they used too… However, when I talked to my therapist about my issues, she said: “I think that everyone is a bit bisexual.” Which I took to mean: “We can see beauty in just about everyone, how we interpret it and what we do with that, really makes us who we are.” —Many people think everyone is on some kind of scale. This seems to bring comfort to some and freak others out. I like your interpretation of what your therapist said. >>>>I just wanted your opinon, would the CBT therapy that I am doing along with mindfulness help me with my HOCD and ROCD recovery? I just want to live my life, not plagued by thoughts that I can not control. —Yes. Just be sure that your CBT and mindfulness work is also including some significant emphasis on ERP. >>>>Thank you for this article, it really helped me. —- 🙂 Min January 17, 2014 at 3:08 am - Reply Hi. I’m 18 and in first year of university. Last term, I had a few moments where I felt nervous around my best friend, and I had thought that I could possibly be lesbian. I never had sexual thoughts with her or any other girl for that matter, because I really do not know how lesbian sex works, but ever since last term, I had been constantly worried about being lesbian. At first, I felt really scared and anxious. I felt light-headed at some point, and had a random moment where I felt a strong urge to cry. I talked to my mom about it and she told me its what all people my age go through, and she also said that being gay is not a bad thing; she told me that its alright as long as I’m able to love somebody. I felt a little better after that, but still, I wake up in the morning looking forward to sleeping again, because I cannot stop worrying about my sexuality. Now every time I go on internet and there are pictures of girls wearing revealing clothes, I get nervous and scared, so I keep trying to avoid those pictures. And I keep questioning my sexuality because when I see pictures of guys that are half naked with abs and handsome faces, I don’t really feel aroused or anything…and I wonder, “Is there something wrong with me?” However, when I am in public, I feel my body reacting normally to men. For example, when I get into an elevator and there are good looking guys my age standing there, I feel my hands getting sweaty and nervous; I feel the need to look good and feminine in front of them. When I am with girls my age though, I feel nothing. Most of the times, I look at her face or her body and feel jealous because I want those features. I’m really tired of being worried. I can’t enjoy my daily life because of all these thoughts, and this constant worry is disturbing my studies as well. Can I have your opinions and what I should do to stop worrying, please? Jonathan Hershfield January 18, 2014 at 8:41 pm - Reply >>>>Hi. I’m 18 and in first year of university. Last term, I had a few moments where I felt nervous around my best friend, and I had thought that I could possibly be lesbian. I never had sexual thoughts with her or any other girl for that matter, because I really do not know how lesbian sex works —Yeah, me neither… >>>>but ever since last term, I had been constantly worried about being lesbian. At first, I felt really scared and anxious. I felt light-headed at some point, and had a random moment where I felt a strong urge to cry. I talked to my mom about it and she told me its what all people my age go through, and she also said that being gay is not a bad thing; she told me that its alright as long as I’m able to love somebody. I felt a little better after that, but still, I wake up in the morning looking forward to sleeping again, because I cannot stop worrying about my sexuality. Now every time I go on internet and there are pictures of girls wearing revealing clothes, I get nervous and scared, so I keep trying to avoid those pictures. And I keep questioning my sexuality because when I see pictures of guys that are half naked with abs and handsome faces, I don’t really feel aroused or anything…and I wonder, “Is there something wrong with me?” —The problem with avoidance is that it sends the message to your brain that the thing you are avoiding is dangerous. Pictures of people can’t be dangerous unless you treat them that way. Same goes for thoughts. >>>>However, when I am in public, I feel my body reacting normally to men. For example, when I get into an elevator and there are good looking guys my age standing there, I feel my hands getting sweaty and nervous; I feel the need to look good and feminine in front of them. When I am with girls my age though, I feel nothing. Most of the times, I look at her face or her body and feel jealous because I want those features. I’m really tired of being worried. I can’t enjoy my daily life because of all these thoughts, and this constant worry is disturbing my studies as well. Can I have your opinions and what I should do to stop worrying, please? —“Worrying” is a behavior you are engaging in in an attempt to get certainty that thoughts of being lesbian don’t mean you are a lesbian. If you want to stop worrying, you need to make a conscious decision to stop trying to prove things and instead accept uncertainty about thoughts and feelings as they come and go. If you want to develop skills for overcoming an obsession, then the answer is cognitive behavioral therapy with exposure-response-prevention. K January 20, 2014 at 11:48 am - Reply Hi Hershfield. It’s been a while since i came to your site and i would like to say that i have improved from how i used to be. I never went to a therapist, but decided bravely to treat myself with exposure. I will tell you what i did and follow it with a few questions if you don’t mind. I want more knowledge on the few things i don’t know and hope your feedback. I am a male by the way. thanks. This was bothering me for a while even though the intensity has gone down. A lot of the thoughts that once used to worry me don’t any more. One of the reasons being my “whatever” attitude towards it. I have learned to accept most of my thoughts and that has helped a lot. Before and during the time this was bothering me, I was a kind of person who watched straight porn. I had never watched gay porn in my life but had saw a lot of posts and comments about exposure to gay porn with response prevention. So i decided to gather courage to see a few gay imagery. I felt guilt/bad after and told you about it and even decided to tell my pastor, but did not after i learnt that, that is “confession compulsion”. After explaining to you what i did, one of your responses was to expose myself to more gay imagery and resist/prevent response because i was trying to get certainty that it was ok to do so. I initially decided not to and felt somewhat okay about it for some time until i read an article on yourbrainonporn.com by Dr. Penzel about how exposure and response prevention backfires when porn addiction is present. I don’t consider myself addicted to pornography. Yes i am naturally attracted to anything female sexually including straight porn, but have never to males. In my entire life before this hocd started, i have come across gay things or imagery unconsciously and have never been attracted/aroused in any way. I never even spiked until hocd. I want you to know that i wasn’t reading the article out of reassurance as i know it is only helpful short term, but rather after i had done exposure to gay imagery just to know more about it. When i read the article,what i knew they meant by “exposure to gay imagery backfiring” was that some people, before hocd, watch porn and escalate to gay porn or other fetishes and get addicted and worry about their escalation to gay porn. They enjoyed gay imagery. And for people like that, exposure to gay imagery backfires because what they’re exposing themselves to is what they were aroused to so therefore they might get aroused and think that they are truly gay because of that. They recommended staying away from porn after a while before exposure and I perfectly understand that. What I couldn’t get my head around was whether it truly was what they meant by “exposure may backfire” or it also applied to someone like me who watched straight porn for a while and was aroused to it. Because of this, I decided to do exposure one more time, even though it wasn’t necessary, but this time the recommended way. Doing as little to check or resist my response. I also considered your response to my initial post about watching more of it and the fact that i only used pictures the first time.The only thing i was watching before hocd was straight porn. When i did exposure to gay imagery(Just preview shots as i didn’t want to watch the entire video) the first time, i never got aroused, lost my erection and felt anxious and some repulsive spikes, but nothing arousing and exciting like how i respond to straight porn. But even though i wasn’t supposed to check my response. I knew it was how i responded to it. I was satisfied by it. I thought i had failed in resisting checking. It was a response i just knew. Nonetheless, i did the exposure again this time deciding that i would watch the videos with sound and everything associated with it as i was worried. So this time i had one of the most courageous moments in my life, told myself that i wouldn’t resist anything that happens regardless. Just observe, accept, and experience whatever it is. I watched a lot of gay porn videos something i had never done. I relaxed and accepted whatever was to come of it. I wasn’t aroused, the least, no erection, lost all of it. but was anxious, didn’t do anything about it. I watched and kept watching regardless. It even got to a point i mistakenly checked my privates, not to really check, i really tried not to check, but i reminded myself that i am doing this not to check but to expose myself without knowing what comes out of it. So i kept on watching for a while without judging anything and with the intention of just watching until i ended it after a while without even looking at my privates. I wasn’t aroused the least. I am at a point where I’m not worried or scared of watching gay porn for exposure or the thought of it. I was anxious and the anxiety makes you think it’s a sensation down there because of the porn but it wasn’t arousal or erection. I haven’t done anything about that as at now. I just couldn’t get my head around it. I think all in all i have done a good job with exposure to gay porn and now when i feel the need to feel bad about watching it, i brush it off and don’t feel like confessing to anyone about what i did as i made a conscious decision to help myself with exposure. Is it normal to experience some sort of anxiety that feels like a sensation down there even though you are not erect/aroused/excited? and if so, is it normal for your hocd to make you believe it’s arousal? How do i go about that with exposure/mindfullnes/cbt? do i just brush it off, telling myself that whatever that sensation was is none of my business or what? Please tell me what attitude i should have towards this. It’s a bit hard for me to get my head around. This morning i was feeling normal with some guilty thoughts and some of the gay thoughts but i keep on allowing them. At first i was worried about the sexual thoughts but then i allowed them after i realized that, even the gay porn did nothing to me apart from a tiny bit of anxiety which felt like sensation down there. This was my general observation. The only thing i’m having difficulty getting my head around is this, this morning i was lying on the bed position in a way where privates were very tight and sensitive (to be more specific, I had my thighs closed tightly around my testes unconsciously so my private part was tight and sensitive ). This wasn’t my conscious decision to be lying there like that, it just happened to be the state i was in. So i was thinking about a friend of mine, a girl and couldn’t help but think of some of the sexual thoughts and conversations we’ve had. I slowly started to get aroused. it was very slow/careful because i think with all this thinking and worrying, somehow me/my brain has grown very careful and cautious of what i think about and what arouses me. So i slowly started getting aroused with the thoughts of the girl and all of a sudden one of the thoughts from the gay porn popped up also. I knew there was no reason to worry, but due to how my privates were sensitive and due to the sexual nature of the girl’s thoughts, it caused anxiety and it felt like a spike/sensation down there. It wasn’t an erection or arousal. It freaked me out and i lost all initial arousal for the girl as i stopped thinking about it altogether. I knew it was anxiety because initially the thoughts of the girl started to arouse me, i felt ok and all of a sudden, the gay thoughts and and then that really slight “spike/sensation/anxiety” down there came after. It wasn’t an erection, nothing pleasurable or arousing, i wasn’t erect from it, but the hocd tricks you and makes you worry and confused about what it was and because of that, it makes me worry. I wanted to expose myself to it as it triggered me even though it wasn’t supposed to. Also i didn’t know how to go about it. So in an attempt to expose myself to that, i lied in the exact same position, thought about the girl and started getting aroused slowly, and intentionally thought about the gay thoughts, but this time, i only lost my erection and any initial arousal i had for the girl. I did it a couple more times but couldn’t recreate Basically, i couldn’t recreate the same experience and because of that, i started freaking out as i think my hocd latched onto it and made me feel like because i had some slight sensation/spike/anxiety, something which i don’t know what i meant and couldn’t recreate to know what it is, then it means something. Based on this, does this mean anything? it was like a spike/anxiety feeling when you get down there when you’re anxious, it bothered me because i was thinking about the girl and had that sensation when the gay thought popped up in the midst of initial girls thought which naturally started to make me aroused until the gay thought popped up, Is it a cause for worry, Is it normal and if so, is it normal for me/hocd to think this way, How should i treat this particular experience, what i experiece was a really slight tiny anxiety i can’t even remember, and because of that i feel worried that i felt something that i can’t even remember it. And due to the fact that i can’t remember it. Is it a cause for worry. When a gay thought pops in my head this time, it doesn’t even do anything anymore. No anxiety, just lose my erection and no arousal altogether. I wan’t to deal with this and treat it with exposure/mindfullness/cbt and how should i see this? Is it normal for you to think this way when something tiny and negligible like that happens (which you know is not arousal, but your brain makes you think that way) and you want to know what it is, but in an attempt to know what it is, you can’t even recreate the same experience to know what it is. Please tell me what i did wrong and what i did right, and what i’m doing right. If i have done mistakes, i will take blame for it and will accept them. But what is most important to me is how i deal with the mistakes i have done if any, and how i should deal with it including the mistakes. Apart from this nothing really bothers me. I have tried my best to stop reassurance almost completely, i have stopped reading numerous sites, telling people about what i do/done, confessing and worrying too much. This is the only thing i am a little concerned about and i want your help on how i should deal with it. If it means do nothing about it, i will. Thank you so much for all your help and sorry about this long post. Jonathan Hershfield January 21, 2014 at 5:29 am - Reply >>>>Hi Hershfield. It’s been a while since i came to your site and i would like to say that i have improved from how i used to be. I never went to a therapist, but decided bravely to treat myself with exposure. I will tell you what i did and follow it with a few questions if you don’t mind. I want more knowledge on the few things i don’t know and hope your feedback. I am a male by the way. thanks. —-You’re welcome, but someone else is probably responsible for you being male. >>>>This was bothering me for a while even though the intensity has gone down. A lot of the thoughts that once used to worry me don’t any more. One of the reasons being my “whatever” attitude towards it. I have learned to accept most of my thoughts and that has helped a lot. Before and during the time this was bothering me, I was a kind of person who watched straight porn. I had never watched gay porn in my life but had saw a lot of posts and comments about exposure to gay porn with response prevention. So i decided to gather courage to see a few gay imagery. I felt guilt/bad after and told you about it and even decided to tell my pastor, but did not after i learnt that, that is “confession compulsion”. After explaining to you what i did, one of your responses was to expose myself to more gay imagery and resist/prevent response because i was trying to get certainty that it was ok to do so. I initially decided not to and felt somewhat okay about it for some time until i read an article on yourbrainonporn.com by Dr. Penzel about how exposure and response prevention backfires when porn addiction is present. I don’t consider myself addicted to pornography. Yes i am naturally attracted to anything female sexually including straight porn, but have never to males. In my entire life before this hocd started, i have come across gay things or imagery unconsciously and have never been attracted/aroused in any way. I never even spiked until hocd. I want you to know that i wasn’t reading the article out of reassurance as i know it is only helpful short term, but rather after i had done exposure to gay imagery just to know more about it. When i read the article,what i knew they meant by “exposure to gay imagery backfiring” was that some people, before hocd, watch porn and escalate to gay porn or other fetishes and get addicted and worry about their escalation to gay porn. They enjoyed gay imagery. And for people like that, exposure to gay imagery backfires because what they’re exposing themselves to is what they were aroused to so therefore they might get aroused and think that they are truly gay because of that. They recommended staying away from porn after a while before exposure and I perfectly understand that. —The issue as I understand it really has to do with the addict seeking out stimulation. So for a porn addict who may have obsessions about sexual orientation, their ability to effectively do ERP with pornographic imagery is impaired because the stimulation triggers the addiction. It’s sort of like if you had a recovering alcoholic who had an obsessive fear of being dizzy. You probably would not find ERP to drinking to be effective even though it would technically expose them to the fear of dizziness. So when they say the exposure will backfire, what they mean is the experience will be sensitizing (make them even more sensitive to the obsession) instead of the opposite. An HOCD sufferer is likely to misinterpret this as meaning that the porn will make them gay somehow, but this is inaccurate. >>>>What I couldn’t get my head around was whether it truly was what they meant by “exposure may backfire” or it also applied to someone like me who watched straight porn for a while and was aroused to it. Because of this, I decided to do exposure one more time, even though it wasn’t necessary, but this time the recommended way. Doing as little to check or resist my response. I also considered your response to my initial post about watching more of it and the fact that i only used pictures the first time.The only thing i was watching before hocd was straight porn. When i did exposure to gay imagery(Just preview shots as i didn’t want to watch the entire video) the first time, i never got aroused, lost my erection and felt anxious and some repulsive spikes, but nothing arousing and exciting like how i respond to straight porn. But even though i wasn’t supposed to check my response. I knew it was how i responded to it. I was satisfied by it. I thought i had failed in resisting checking. It was a response i just knew. Nonetheless, i did the exposure again this time deciding that i would watch the videos with sound and everything associated with it as i was worried. So this time i had one of the most courageous moments in my life, told myself that i wouldn’t resist anything that happens regardless. Just observe, accept, and experience whatever it is. I watched a lot of gay porn videos something i had never done. I relaxed and accepted whatever was to come of it. I wasn’t aroused, the least, no erection, lost all of it. but was anxious, didn’t do anything about it. I watched and kept watching regardless. It even got to a point i mistakenly checked my privates, not to really check, i really tried not to check, but i reminded myself that i am doing this not to check but to expose myself without knowing what comes out of it. So i kept on watching for a while without judging anything and with the intention of just watching until i ended it after a while without even looking at my privates. I wasn’t aroused the least. I am at a point where I’m not worried or scared of watching gay porn for exposure or the thought of it. I was anxious and the anxiety makes you think it’s a sensation down there because of the porn but it wasn’t arousal or erection. —Your assessment of your groinal responses is probably true, but you are missing the larger point, which is that it is irrelevant whether or not you got aroused. Getting aroused to images of people having sex, whether it’s straight, gay, or midget clowns is not a way of assessing certainty about one’s sexual orientation. The point is to accept whatever your mind and body happens to be doing in the given moment and stop trying to control it. The attempts to control these things are what fuels fear and doubt. >>>I haven’t done anything about that as at now. I just couldn’t get my head around it. I think all in all i have done a good job with exposure to gay porn and now when i feel the need to feel bad about watching it, i brush it off and don’t feel like confessing to anyone about what i did as i made a conscious decision to help myself with exposure. Is it normal to experience some sort of anxiety that feels like a sensation down there even though you are not erect/aroused/excited? and if so, is it normal for your hocd to make you believe it’s arousal? How do i go about that with exposure/mindfullnes/cbt? do i just brush it off, telling myself that whatever that sensation was is none of my business or what? Please tell me what attitude i should have towards this. It’s a bit hard for me to get my head around. —I like the statement that it’s none of your business. I would go with that. >>>>This morning i was feeling normal with some guilty thoughts and some of the gay thoughts but i keep on allowing them. —I would recommend you stop labeling as “guilt” and give it some other name like “that feeling I get.” Calling it guilt suggests you know what it is, but that’s not really true. It’s just a feeling. >>>>At first i was worried about the sexual thoughts but then i allowed them after i realized that, even the gay porn did nothing to me apart from a tiny bit of anxiety which felt like sensation down there. This was my general observation. The only thing i’m having difficulty getting my head around is this, this morning i was lying on the bed position in a way where privates were very tight and sensitive (to be more specific, I had my thighs closed tightly around my testes unconsciously so my private part was tight and sensitive ). This wasn’t my conscious decision to be lying there like that —It’s not possible to know what your conscious decisions “were” – that’s not a possible thing to know for certain. >>>>, it just happened to be the state i was in. So i was thinking about a friend of mine, a girl and couldn’t help but think of some of the sexual thoughts and conversations we’ve had. I slowly started to get aroused. it was very slow/careful because i think with all this thinking and worrying, somehow me/my brain has grown very careful and cautious of what i think about and what arouses me. So i slowly started getting aroused with the thoughts of the girl and all of a sudden one of the thoughts from the gay porn popped up also. I knew there was no reason to worry, but due to how my privates were sensitive and due to the sexual nature of the girl’s thoughts, it caused anxiety and it felt like a spike/sensation down there. It wasn’t an erection or arousal. It freaked me out and i lost all initial arousal for the girl as i stopped thinking about it altogether. I knew it was anxiety because initially the thoughts of the girl started to arouse me, i felt ok and all of a sudden, the gay thoughts and and then that really slight “spike/sensation/anxiety” down there came after. It wasn’t an erection, nothing pleasurable or arousing, i wasn’t erect from it, but the hocd tricks you and makes you worry and confused about what it was and because of that, it makes me worry. —You should label the entire content and process behind your review of the paragraph above as a compulsion. >>>>I wanted to expose myself to it as it triggered me even though it wasn’t supposed to. Also i didn’t know how to go about it. So in an attempt to expose myself to that, i lied in the exact same position, thought about the girl and started getting aroused slowly, and intentionally thought about the gay thoughts, but this time, i only lost my erection and any initial arousal i had for the girl. I did it a couple more times but couldn’t recreate Basically, i couldn’t recreate the same experience and because of that, i started freaking out as i think my hocd latched onto it and made me feel like because i had some slight sensation/spike/anxiety, something which i don’t know what i meant and couldn’t recreate to know what it is, then it means something. Based on this, does this mean anything? —You asking this means you are still not taking the fact that you have OCD seriously. The question is the problem, not the answer to it. >>>>it was like a spike/anxiety feeling when you get down there when you’re anxious, it bothered me because i was thinking about the girl and had that sensation when the gay thought popped up in the midst of initial girls thought which naturally started to make me aroused until the gay thought popped up, Is it a cause for worry, Is it normal and if so, is it normal for me/hocd to think this way, How should i treat this particular experience, what i experiece was a really slight tiny anxiety i can’t even remember, and because of that i feel worried that i felt something that i can’t even remember it. And due to the fact that i can’t remember it. Is it a cause for worry. When a gay thought pops in my head this time, it doesn’t even do anything anymore. No anxiety, just lose my erection and no arousal altogether. I wan’t to deal with this and treat it with exposure/mindfullness/cbt and how should i see this? Is it normal for you to think this way when something tiny and negligible like that happens (which you know is not arousal, but your brain makes you think that way) and you want to know what it is, but in an attempt to know what it is, you can’t even recreate the same experience to know what it is. —This is part of your compulsion to get certainty about your orientation by analyzing the minutia if what happens between your legs. >>>>Please tell me what i did wrong and what i did right, and what i’m doing right. If i have done mistakes, i will take blame for it and will accept them. But what is most important to me is how i deal with the mistakes i have done if any, and how i should deal with it including the mistakes. Apart from this nothing really bothers me. I have tried my best to stop reassurance almost completely, i have stopped reading numerous sites, telling people about what i do/done, confessing and worrying too much. This is the only thing i am a little concerned about and i want your help on how i should deal with it. If it means do nothing about it, i will. —I think overall you’ve done a great job and you should give yourself a pat on the back for standing up to your fears. My recommendation is to do more exposure and work even harder on not checking or analyzing what the results are. The point is not to prove to yourself that you’re straight because gay images aren’t getting a big reaction. It’s to prove to your brain that you can accept what the mind is offered without judgment and analysis. Insist on not figuring it out. >>>>Thank you so much for all your help and sorry about this long post. —Yeah, I watched an entire episode of Sons of Anarchy while writing this. K January 21, 2014 at 9:40 am - Reply Thank you so much Hershfield. These are really insightful and has given me even more knowledge and a broader prospective of this. I think the harder you try to get the discomfort away, the harder it is on you. So it is best not to try to get the discomfort away and not worry about it. Your last answer was really helpful — “Insist on not figuring it out.” Thanks. I used to see girls/women and think they’re beautiful, thereby sometimes thinking sexually about them consciously and unconsciously. But due to all of this, when i do tend to think that way, the images and thoughts in my head get mixed up with other uncomfortable images and thoughts which makes it uncomfortable to even see girls sexually. This also makes me think how i should handle this should in case i happen to have sex with a girl and those uncomfortable thoughts and images pop up, eg. the gay imagery and other distorted thoughts. A not so important reason i am mentioning this is because, you mentioned, labeling the paragraph about where i thought about one of my girlfriends and the sexual thoughts about her as a compulsion. I used to reminisce about sexual things with girls sometimes. Is/was this a bad habit and is/was this seen as a way of forcing thoughts in my head thereby triggering other unwanted thoughts? or should i just let the sexual thoughts about girls flow when i consciously decide to think them, even though it gets mixed up by other unwanted thoughts and images(eg. the gay porn i watched) thereby making it uncomfortable. Nonetheless, I think i understood what you meant over there and know what compulsions i was doing over there. Thanks. What I’m asking is, how do you deal with seeing a beautiful girl, and consciously/unconsciously having sexual thoughts about her, and all of a sudden having other uncomfortable thoughts/images mixed up. And also how i should deal with it when i happens when I’m about to have sex with a girl. Do i continue having whatever thoughts i was having whilst admiring or looking at the girl or whatever experience i am having(sex with the girl) when those uncomfortable images and thoughts pop up. I think trying to get rid of them causes more problem, At the same time keeping them there whilst looking at a girl in a sexual way, consciously/unconsciously makes it very uncomfortable. What do you recommend/think? I also want to know how to deal with it when i plan to engage in any sexual activities with a girl and that happens. What do you think about this and how should my attitude be towards this. Thank you so much Hershfield and sorry for taking so much of your time. Have a good day. Jonathan Hershfield January 30, 2014 at 6:39 am - Reply >>>>I used to see girls/women and think they’re beautiful, thereby sometimes thinking sexually about them consciously and unconsciously. But due to all of this, when i do tend to think that way, the images and thoughts in my head get mixed up with other uncomfortable images and thoughts which makes it uncomfortable to even see girls sexually. This also makes me think how i should handle this should in case i happen to have sex with a girl and those uncomfortable thoughts and images pop up, eg. the gay imagery and other distorted thoughts. —The way you should handle it is to notice that those are thoughts that happen to be going through your head and you have a choice to spend energy attending to them or attending to the naked girl in your bed. In general, whatever goes on in my mind is less interesting than whatever is going on in my bed. >>>>A not so important reason i am mentioning this is because, you mentioned, labeling the paragraph about where i thought about one of my girlfriends and the sexual thoughts about her as a compulsion. I used to reminisce about sexual things with girls sometimes. Is/was this a bad habit and is/was this seen as a way of forcing thoughts in my head thereby triggering other unwanted thoughts? or should i just let the sexual thoughts about girls flow when i consciously decide to think them, even though it gets mixed up by other unwanted thoughts and images(eg. the gay porn i watched) thereby making it uncomfortable. Nonetheless, I think i understood what you meant over there and know what compulsions i was doing over there. Thanks. —-Let them flow and don’t try to figure them out. >>>>What I’m asking is, how do you deal with seeing a beautiful girl, and consciously/unconsciously having sexual thoughts about her, and all of a sudden having other uncomfortable thoughts/images mixed up. —Notice and accept that this is what your mind does sometimes. >>>And also how i should deal with it when i happens when I’m about to have sex with a girl. Do i continue having whatever thoughts i was having whilst admiring or looking at the girl or whatever experience i am having(sex with the girl) when those uncomfortable images and thoughts pop up. —Since they will happen, continuing to have them or not is not a voluntary action. Only attending and responding are voluntary actions. >>>I think trying to get rid of them causes more problem, At the same time keeping them there whilst looking at a girl in a sexual way, consciously/unconsciously makes it very uncomfortable. What do you recommend/think? —Accept that you get discomforted sometimes. >>>>I also want to know how to deal with it when i plan to engage in any sexual activities with a girl and that happens. What do you think about this and how should my attitude be towards this. Thank you so much Hershfield and sorry for taking so much of your time. Have a good day. —Stop planning so much. Marisa January 30, 2014 at 7:38 pm - Reply Hello, I recently watched Revolutionary Road and there’s a scene where a guy rips the hard cold truth into the couple played by Leo and Kate. During this scene, I thought what would this guy say to me. He would probably yell that I’m gay and I know it and I should just admit it and stop being afraid. So, I said okay, I’m gay. I’m really and truly gay, and I actually felt better and calmer. I felt a little better for about a day, but then I thought…maybe the reason I haven’t dated in the past is because I didn’t know I was gay but now that I do I’m really going to date and really and truly be gay and come out and everything…then, I got sad. So, I’m basically back to feeling crappy again. I just don’t know how this story can end any other way. I read some of my previous blog posts and it seems like I’m a different person. At this point, I don’t know anything anymore. I used to have an idea about homosexuality (being born gay and all that jazz) but now, I don’t really know if that’s true all the time. I don’t even know if it matters. Is it normal to go through these phases where in the beginning it’s, “I don’t want to be,” but a few months later it’s, “I must be” and then a few months later it’s, “I really am.” I don’t know, how can I possibly go back to not being? Maybe that’s not the question I should be asking, but that’s where I’m stuck at. Have you ever known anyone who went through this and felt attraction for the opposite sex again, felt inner peace again? I’ve contacted a local therapist. I figure I don’t have anything to lose at this point. If I can be helped, I really hope I get the help. Actually, I hope that for anyone who’s going through this or something similar. It’s so weird how nothing has been able to ease this inner turmoil. Usually I can put things into perspective, but that’s not working now, which is strange for me. I guess that’s the whole problem, huh? Jonathan Hershfield January 31, 2014 at 10:41 pm - Reply >>>>I recently watched Revolutionary Road and there’s a scene where a guy rips the hard cold truth into the couple played by Leo and Kate. During this scene, I thought what would this guy say to me. He would probably yell that I’m gay and I know it and I should just admit it and stop being afraid. So, I said okay, I’m gay. I’m really and truly gay, and I actually felt better and calmer. I felt a little better for about a day, but then I thought…maybe the reason I haven’t dated in the past is because I didn’t know I was gay but now that I do I’m really going to date and really and truly be gay and come out and everything…then, I got sad. So, I’m basically back to feeling crappy again. —I don;t understand what part of this is saddening. I don’t know why you haven’t dated much in the past, but gay denial is just a theory (frankly, a peculiar one I think, but who knows…). I think when people start doing these imaginary exposures, telling themselves they’re really truly gay and then they feel better, it’s because they are escaping the discomfort of uncertainty. Freedom from not knowing. It’s an illusion, just another compulsion. Otherwise the idea of now getting to date members of the same sex would be a great source of relief as well. >>>>I just don’t know how this story can end any other way. I read some of my previous blog posts and it seems like I’m a different person. At this point, I don’t know anything anymore. I used to have an idea about homosexuality (being born gay and all that jazz) but now, I don’t really know if that’s true all the time. I don’t even know if it matters. —Me neither. I’m just an ocd therapist. >>>>Is it normal to go through these phases where in the beginning it’s, “I don’t want to be,” but a few months later it’s, “I must be” and then a few months later it’s, “I really am.” I don’t know, how can I possibly go back to not being? Maybe that’s not the question I should be asking, but that’s where I’m stuck at. —-The question is whether or not people have kept doing compulsions and found that their obsessions kept getting worse. Yes. When you talk about being or not being, it’s unclear what you mean. Saying you’re gay, even believing you’re gay hasn’t changed much of anything. It’s not like you’re in the middle of a meaningful gay relationship and wondering if you’ll ever go back to dating members of the opposite sex. Right now it’s still just a lot of mindgames. >>>>Have you ever known anyone who went through this and felt attraction for the opposite sex again, felt inner peace again? —-Yes. >>>I’ve contacted a local therapist. I figure I don’t have anything to lose at this point. If I can be helped, I really hope I get the help. Actually, I hope that for anyone who’s going through this or something similar. It’s so weird how nothing has been able to ease this inner turmoil. Usually I can put things into perspective, but that’s not working now, which is strange for me. I guess that’s the whole problem, huh? —Yeah, I think you’re on to something. Hopefully your therapist specializes in ERP for OCD, that would be the best thing for you right now. Emilio Graz February 3, 2014 at 9:33 pm - Reply Please help! This is causing my depression, anxiety, loose of identity and I do not know who I am anymore. This is hurting my performance in my job, gym, food disorder, and hurting my daily life brutally. Three weeks ago I had a bad sexual experience with a girl. I tried to have sex three times but I was so anxious and nervous that I could not satisfied her. This was a one night stand girl and the girl did not make me feel bad after it, mentioning that this is normal. However, after this, I began to feel devastated and doubting about my sexual identity. Just to mention I do not know if I am a normal guy that have had sex 2 times in 25yrs of life. One with a prostitute when I was 19 years old and now when I am 25 with this girl. I feel that my friends have had 20-30-40 sexual encounters with a girl at my age. This makes me feel anxious and weird. I’ve slept with girls, kiss girls, and felt aroused when I was with a girl having no doubt about my identity. I’ve been hanging out with several girls before without an actual “real relationship”. I was sexually and emotionally attracted for a girl 2 weeks before this mind blowing instability start happening to me. I did not end up with her not because I did not like her, but because we live in two different cities it was not convenient and there were family issues involved as well that ended our informal relationship. When I was young, I felt aroused watching good looking girls, heterosexual pornography and regular stuff of teenagers. However, when I was 18 I started watching gay porn several times a week. I knew this was bad at the beginning but started looking at it regularly feeling guilty at the moment.This did not affected me since I knew I was straight and interested in girls. Most of the time after I watched gay porn, I told myself STOP! STOP! STOP! this is gay stuff!! but next day the same thing happened. I started looking at boys masturbating on the web but never had the initiative to be in a real life activity with a boy. Now I stopped watching this for 10 days but cannot stop thinking about my background and this anxiety is killing me. I do not want to be gay, I want to have a family and be a normal happy person again. Anyways, after this sexual encounter with this girl, I started feeling weird and doubt about myself. Why did I did not have a full erection? was this normal? I am gay? ….I started looking at blogs, articles, and I found about all this HCOD. I can not stop thinking about this, and I feel anxious that this HOCD “activate” on me, I feel that I am actually gay and I feel extremely bad at it. Now I am looking the way I see myself on pictures, the way I act, the way I dress, the way I walk, the way I speak, and a bunch of activities that make me feel weird. I feel I lost my identity as a person and I am not being the same person as before. Please, I would like to know according to your experience if this is normal??? What can I do to prevent these 24/7 horrible thoughts??? I cant sleep, I cant eat, I am just trying to look answers at internet, I can’t feel comfortable with myself… I am another person and not feeling well about it. I feel I have a huge rock on my head the whole day thinking about this. Now I feel people think I am gay because I never had a stable relationship. People in my city judge severely according to this. Sometimes I just try to accept it but is extremely difficult to accept something that I am not. I had my first session with a therapist phsycologist. I am not sure if every psychologist can help about this. She said she was an OCD specialist as well. Please give me an advise. I cannot handle anymore this and sometimes I feel preoccupied about my situation to the point of having suicidal thoughts. Help..Thank you Jonathan Hershfield February 7, 2014 at 4:51 am - Reply >>>>Please help! This is causing my depression, anxiety, loose of identity and I do not know who I am anymore. This is hurting my performance in my job, gym, food disorder, and hurting my daily life brutally. —Sorry to hear your OCD is impairing so many areas of your life. >>>>Three weeks ago I had a bad sexual experience with a girl. I tried to have sex three times but I was so anxious and nervous that I could not satisfied her. This was a one night stand girl and the girl did not make me feel bad after it, mentioning that this is normal. However, after this, I began to feel devastated and doubting about my sexual identity. —This is not an unusual trigger for someone with OCD. If it hadn’t been this experience, it would have been some other experience that you latched on to. The thing is, the girl was right (it’s normal) and you are wrong (you respond irrationally to uncertainty and imperfection). But it’s hard to remember that when you’re so anxious. >>>>Just to mention I do not know if I am a normal guy that have had sex 2 times in 25yrs of life. One with a prostitute when I was 19 years old and now when I am 25 with this girl. I feel that my friends have had 20-30-40 sexual encounters with a girl at my age. —Your friends sound kind of slutty. >>>>This makes me feel anxious and weird. I’ve slept with girls, kiss girls, and felt aroused when I was with a girl having no doubt about my identity. I’ve been hanging out with several girls before without an actual “real relationship”. I was sexually and emotionally attracted for a girl 2 weeks before this mind blowing instability start happening to me. I did not end up with her not because I did not like her, but because we live in two different cities it was not convenient and there were family issues involved as well that ended our informal relationship. —It seems you are doing a lot of rationalizing and over-explaining, as if I need to be convinced of something. I don’t. This over-clarifying and review of your history is a compulsion that actually makes you more obsessive. >>>>When I was young, I felt aroused watching good looking girls, heterosexual pornography and regular stuff of teenagers. However, when I was 18 I started watching gay porn several times a week. I knew this was bad at the beginning but started looking at it regularly feeling guilty at the moment.This did not affected me since I knew I was straight and interested in girls. Most of the time after I watched gay porn, I told myself STOP! STOP! STOP! this is gay stuff!! but next day the same thing happened. I started looking at boys masturbating on the web but never had the initiative to be in a real life activity with a boy. Now I stopped watching this for 10 days but cannot stop thinking about my background and this anxiety is killing me. I do not want to be gay, I want to have a family and be a normal happy person again. —This sounds more like a problem with porn addiction than an issue of identity. On one hand, you will have to accept that you are capable of being aroused by and enjoy fantasizing about gay sex. On the other hand, you are afraid this means you have to label yourself something (gay) and not allow yourself to pursue relationships that interest you (which sound heterosexual). That’s illogical – the two issues are not related. If you try to convince yourself that no part of you is gay, you end up sabotaging the whole process. It’s unknowable if you were drawn to gay porn because you are bisexual or you’re drawn to it because your addiction kept asking for more and more and the taboo nature of it got you off and rewarded the viewing. In the end, it doesn’t matter because you are entitled to pursue whatever you want. You can’t have an identity against your will. >>>>Anyways, after this sexual encounter with this girl, I started feeling weird and doubt about myself. Why did I did not have a full erection? was this normal? I am gay? ….I started looking at blogs, articles, and I found about all this HCOD. I can not stop thinking about this, and I feel anxious that this HOCD “activate” on me, I feel that I am actually gay and I feel extremely bad at it. Now I am looking the way I see myself on pictures, the way I act, the way I dress, the way I walk, the way I speak, and a bunch of activities that make me feel weird. I feel I lost my identity as a person and I am not being the same person as before. —This paragraph above is just a list of compulsive behaviors that serve no other function but to perpetuate your obsession with sexuality. >>>>Please, I would like to know according to your experience if this is normal??? What can I do to prevent these 24/7 horrible thoughts??? I cant sleep, I cant eat, I am just trying to look answers at internet, I can’t feel comfortable with myself… I am another person and not feeling well about it. I feel I have a huge rock on my head the whole day thinking about this. Now I feel people think I am gay because I never had a stable relationship. People in my city judge severely according to this. Sometimes I just try to accept it but is extremely difficult to accept something that I am not. —Well, it’s normal and dysfunctional, which you already know. You have a complicated relationship to pornography and you clearly have significant-to-severe ocd, which includes multiple compulsions like mental review, hyper-analysis of your appearance and movements, reassurance seeking, etc. It’s severe enough that it’s keeping you from functioning on multiple levels. But it’s normal in the sense that many people have OCD (and complicated relationships with porn) and this is treatable. You have every reason to believe that you can get your life back if you make the right changes (i.e. stop doing compulsions). >>>I had my first session with a therapist phsycologist. I am not sure if every psychologist can help about this. She said she was an OCD specialist as well. Please give me an advise. I cannot handle anymore this and sometimes I feel preoccupied about my situation to the point of having suicidal thoughts. —Give the ocd specialist a chance. Try to remember that none of your strategies are working which is why you sought professional help from someone who knows how to treat ocd. Be upfront with the therapist about your suicidal thoughts and if you are ever in any danger of any kind of harm, go to the emergency room. Anna February 5, 2014 at 9:58 pm - Reply i developed the fear of being or acting like a lesbian like a month ago or so(on winter break) my mom told me that one of her male friends knew instantly that another of their friends was lesbian(which she is) because of how she walked talked and acted when she was around both male and female friends so i started questioning the way i walked talked etc and told my mom this and both got to the conclusion that im completly normal and femini in that area but then i started questioning whether i found a girl atractive or not which is how my hocd started everytime i saw a girl on tv or instagram facebook etc i would think yea shes pretty but like i dont like her that way i wont kiss her or anything when i thought it was over both fears the ways i acted and whether i found a girl atractive or not came even harder and i was like lost in my thoghts i wouldnt talk to anyone or if i did it would be short answers i was like in zombie mode or something just because i wanted to make sure that the thoughts would go away and to leave it clear to myself that im not a lesbian and that i dont talk or act like one. the fear and thoughts would stay with me for like another week and a half causing me anxiety before that i was already depressed cause i just changed schools and my bestfriend just move so im completly alone with my family who i see only on the weekends cause everyones busy. my dad left us like 2 years ago cause my mom found out he was having a double life cheating on her with men it was hard and when i first found out i thought oh no what if its like a family thing or what if i end up like that the only person who knew what was going on was my best friend who moved. i think my hocd started when my mom first told me about my dad cause i remember thinking what if now that my dads gay everyone things im gay too or what if i start to get feelings or just sexual desire for same sex when this thoughts first came i was like naaah im just overthinking or if like my friend said omg i want to look like that refering to another girl y would be like omg! me too and then the ocd would be like really you wanna look like that or you just like her body in a sexual way i would be like dude! i like guys so shut up(as you said in your blog i was on a whatever mode) so it went away and i didnt pay any attention to it at the time but now its been like a year since that happened and i feel like it came back cause of stress and depression plus i have noone to talk to so maybe thats the reason why it came back but im getting even more stresd out about it cause today i was in class and sudenly had an anxiety attack went to the bathroon and cried cause there are like 3 cute guys in my class and i thought one of them was like really cute and all of a sudden a voice on my mind was like yea hes cute what a shame you dont like guys so i was like wtf!!!! i dont know if its getting worst im affraid if i start to date him or even just talk to him i wont like him or start to think about girls insted(wich creeps me out) or what if at some point in the future im with a guy and my thoughts tell me aww hes such a great guy what a shame you don tlike them or something(that would be annoying and depressing). im 20 years old and im a virgin(wich scares me even more cause what if i dont like sex one day or something) ive never had a crush on a girl nor sexual desire or else. ive only been with guys and even had really intense crushes on them wich is why sometimes im just like what am i even worring about why am i so scared!!!! when i was 10 or 11 i had the same fear over death i would get frustrated scared and even cried about it i know deaths something we re all going to experiment one day and it has nothing to do with hocd but i think that im obssesing about this in the same way i used to obssed with death wich gives me hope that some days i would get over this. i thinks that its just the fear of one day me changing completely cause ive always wanted to have a husband and kids plus this thing has afected my personality alittle bit wich scares me cause im a really outgoing person and this fear has make kind of shy but more like scared of talking to new people(mostly girls wich is weird cause ive always had tons of female friends) or not being able to get over it. Jonathan Hershfield February 7, 2014 at 4:57 pm - Reply >>>>i developed the fear of being or acting like a lesbian like a month ago or so(on winter break) my mom told me that one of her male friends knew instantly that another of their friends was lesbian(which she is) because of how she walked talked and acted when she was around both male and female friends —That’s silly. >>>>so i started questioning the way i walked talked etc and told my mom this and both got to the conclusion that im completly normal and femini in that area but then i started questioning whether i found a girl atractive or not which is how my hocd started —So you had an intrusive thought about whether or not you “appeared gay” and then after getting reassurance, it triggered an urge to seek self-reassurance through testing and analyzing. >>>>everytime i saw a girl on tv or instagram facebook etc i would think yea shes pretty but like i dont like her that way i wont kiss her or anything when i thought it was over both fears the ways i acted and whether i found a girl atractive or not came even harder and i was like lost in my thoghts i wouldnt talk to anyone or if i did it would be short answers i was like in zombie mode or something just because i wanted to make sure that the thoughts would go away and to leave it clear to myself that im not a lesbian and that i dont talk or act like one. —What you’re talking about here, at least in part, is trying to get certainty about what goes on in the minds of other people, which is not possible. >>> the fear and thoughts would stay with me for like another week and a half causing me anxiety before that i was already depressed cause i just changed schools and my bestfriend just move so im completly alone with my family who i see only on the weekends cause everyones busy. my dad left us like 2 years ago cause my mom found out he was having a double life cheating on her with men it was hard and when i first found out i thought oh no what if its like a family thing or what if i end up like that the only person who knew what was going on was my best friend who moved. —Sorry you had to go through that family issue. I have seen many people with OCD whose obsession centered around the fear of doing something like or somehow emulating a family member that hurt them. >>>>i think my hocd started when my mom first told me about my dad cause i remember thinking what if now that my dads gay everyone things im gay too or what if i start to get feelings or just sexual desire for same sex when this thoughts first came i was like naaah im just overthinking or if like my friend said omg i want to look like that refering to another girl y would be like omg! me too and then the ocd would be like really you wanna look like that or you just like her body in a sexual way i would be like dude! i like guys so shut up(as you said in your blog i was on a whatever mode) so it went away and i didnt pay any attention to it at the time but now its been like a year since that happened and i feel like it came back cause of stress and depression plus i have noone to talk to so maybe thats the reason why it came back but im getting even more stresd out about it cause today i was in class and sudenly had an anxiety attack went to the bathroon and cried cause there are like 3 cute guys in my class and i thought one of them was like really cute and all of a sudden a voice on my mind was like yea hes cute what a shame you dont like guys so i was like wtf!!!! —OCD is a bully. Bully’s want a fight. So when you argue with a bully, you are giving it a reason to come around and bully you. When you agree with, confuse, or disregard a bully, it gets bored and moves on. Next time the bully says you don;t like guys, you can respond with “ok then” and continue going about your business. This will initially cause anxiety, but if you don;t refuel it with compulsions, the anxiety fades along with the obsession. >>>i dont know if its getting worst im affraid if i start to date him or even just talk to him i wont like him or start to think about girls insted(wich creeps me out) or what if at some point in the future im with a guy and my thoughts tell me aww hes such a great guy what a shame you don tlike them or something(that would be annoying and depressing). —It would be as annoying and depressing as you allow it to be based on how you respond to it. If you respond to your thoughts like they are intrinsically threatening, they will appear intrusive and harmful. >>>im 20 years old and im a virgin(wich scares me even more cause what if i dont like sex one day or something) ive never had a crush on a girl nor sexual desire or else. ive only been with guys and even had really intense crushes on them wich is why sometimes im just like what am i even worring about why am i so scared!!!! when i was 10 or 11 i had the same fear over death i would get frustrated scared and even cried about it i know deaths something we re all going to experiment one day and it has nothing to do with hocd but i think that im obssesing about this in the same way i used to obssed with death wich gives me hope that some days i would get over this. i thinks that its just the fear of one day me changing completely cause ive always wanted to have a husband and kids plus this thing has afected my personality alittle bit wich scares me cause im a really outgoing person and this fear has make kind of shy but more like scared of talking to new people(mostly girls wich is weird cause ive always had tons of female friends) or not being able to get over it. —Sounds like you have pretty good insight and a history of OCD. My recommendation is that you work on identifying and resisting your compulsions (whatever it is you do to attempt to get certainty about your orientation or what people think of it). The best way to do this is with the structure and support of an ocd therapist, but if that is not accessible, I would recommend using some kind of CBT-for-OCD workbook. Maxine March 18, 2014 at 6:19 pm - Reply Hi Jonathan, I think I’ve been suffering with this for the last month and a half. I’ve always fancied boys for as long as I can remember but am 22 and a virgin. I had a bad experience where I really fancied my guy best friend for pretty much a year but he rejected me and I think this is why this started – partly that and also because I’ve been a bit low since graduating from university last year and no longer have much of a social life. I’ve always enjoyed the attention of guys and fancied guys etc, but have had some worries in the past when seeing various films where there are straight sex scenes or a naked woman’s body etc that maybe I’m attracted to women. It’s difficult because the woman’s body is so often sexualised in mainstream cinema. I’m fairly certain I didn’t feel anything but always have the thought ‘Did I feel something then?’ The whole thing just makes me feel really uncomfortable. The above certainly hasn’t been all the time, just occasionally. I’ve never really had a relationship with a guy, but have always wanted one. I’ve never thought about actually being with a woman sexually or romantically until this whole thing started. I wonder would I enjoy it, and keep getting images of boobs in my mind and thinking ‘why am I getting pictures of boobs in my mind?’ It’s never a thought welcomed with happiness. It’s always something I just hate and feel so uncomfortable about, and i just want the thoughts to go away. I’ve always imagined myself with guys and I don’t want to be gay at all, but then is that just because it’s not a massively acceptable thing to be? The thought of being with a woman makes me cringe but i wonder if I’m in denial. I’m a very shy person so the thought of coming out as gay is incredibly scary, but then I don’t think I am gay. I really really don’t want to be gay but am so scared that I might be because of these thoughts. I’m scared that i’m never going to meet anyone because 22 is quite old to still be a virgin and to not have had much of a relationship before but, if I am gay, I don’t want to deny myself happiness, but the thought of being with a woman doesn’t make me happy; it makes me feel rubbish and like there’s something wrong with me. Please help, and I’m sorry if you have to repeat yourself! Thank you very much in advance, Maxine Jonathan Hershfield March 19, 2014 at 5:29 am - Reply >>>>I think I’ve been suffering with this for the last month and a half. I’ve always fancied boys for as long as I can remember but am 22 and a virgin. I had a bad experience where I really fancied my guy best friend for pretty much a year but he rejected me and I think this is why this started – partly that and also because I’ve been a bit low since graduating from university last year and no longer have much of a social life. I’ve always enjoyed the attention of guys and fancied guys etc, but have had some worries in the past when seeing various films where there are straight sex scenes or a naked woman’s body etc that maybe I’m attracted to women. It’s difficult because the woman’s body is so often sexualised in mainstream cinema. I’m fairly certain I didn’t feel anything but always have the thought ‘Did I feel something then?’ The whole thing just makes me feel really uncomfortable. The above certainly hasn’t been all the time, just occasionally. —This sounds like a pretty common start to an obsession about orientation, some mix of concern about how well you’re performing as one orientation and how much you notice the same sex. It’s true that many heterosexual women are more activated by visuals highlighting other women because of the way they are sexualized in the media and perhaps because they tend to respond less to visual stimuli overall (in other words, not feeling overwhelmed by portrayals of men). >>>I’ve never really had a relationship with a guy, but have always wanted one. I’ve never thought about actually being with a woman sexually or romantically until this whole thing started. I wonder would I enjoy it, and keep getting images of boobs in my mind and thinking ‘why am I getting pictures of boobs in my mind?’ It’s never a thought welcomed with happiness. It’s always something I just hate and feel so uncomfortable about, and i just want the thoughts to go away. —This is the problem. The thought about “what it would be like” is a normal thought process, not evidence of a crisis. You think about boobs because boobs exist and you think about them. Because you actively associate them with discomfort, they appear more intrusive and more persistent. The more you try to get rid of them, the more your brain records that they are very important instead of just, well, boob thoughts. The trick would be to accept and welcome their presence as thoughts, not as warning signs. >>>I’ve always imagined myself with guys and I don’t want to be gay at all, but then is that just because it’s not a massively acceptable thing to be? The thought of being with a woman makes me cringe but i wonder if I’m in denial. I’m a very shy person so the thought of coming out as gay is incredibly scary, but then I don’t think I am gay. I really really don’t want to be gay but am so scared that I might be because of these thoughts. I’m scared that i’m never going to meet anyone because 22 is quite old to still be a virgin —This is a judgment, not a fact. >>>>and to not have had much of a relationship before but, if I am gay, I don’t want to deny myself happiness, but the thought of being with a woman doesn’t make me happy; it makes me feel rubbish and like there’s something wrong with me. —The key to life is to pursue what makes you happy, not to be comfortable. You are saying it doesn’t make you happy when you consider being gay. OK. Then accept that you have thoughts about it and that they sometimes make you uncomfortable. Make the choice to allow them instead of trying to get rid of them. In treatment this might be addressed by doing exposure to the idea that the thoughts do mean your gay and looking for ways to trigger the thoughts and welcome them. ben April 12, 2014 at 9:26 am - Reply Hi my name’s Ben and recently I have had thoughts of a homosexual nature since 05/04/14. It started with thinking about whether it might be gay to have a male friend older than me who I used to work with but i didn’t make much of it initially as was one negilable idle thought and no attraction or anythig like that. however It then made me start to question whether I was gay or not in general and I actually forgot about the initial trigger. I started to look at males in a different way, questioning whether I was attracted to them, whether i was on the start to becoming gay and what that would mean this has been very uncomfortable for me especially when i felt bodily sensations which i think was checking for which I know isnt good to do but some were instantaneous. The one thing that really gets to me is the uncertainty of these thoughts as It has put my sexual orientation under scrutiny so i dont know what i am at the moment. I dont remember any homosexual experiences before the thoughts but some key past experiences are that i have never had a relationship with anyone, i have had intrusive thoughts about other things before and i have social anxiety which i have recently finished a course of 20 CBT sessions which i do believe has helped me. Recently, i have had more male based intrusive thoughts since I talked to my family about this and things like that and i have tried to determine whether I am attracted to it or not and to be honest I cant reach a definitive answer. I have also thought about women which i have had pleasant feelings but they were not as strong as they used to be which concerns me and fills me with doubt but it could because of doubt about the other gender is the cause of this. Bodily sensations come around like i said before and i’m not sure whether its thoughts about male or females which trigger them. I have not had an erection or any thoughts that gave me pleasure over any male images in my mind or what I see that is male in everyday life but i’m not sure whether i’m at the start of a slippery slope of the thoughts becoming pleasurable and therefore becoming gay. I also have tried to accept that It would not be the end of the world if i was gay and then afterwards i feel negative thoughts that i am gay to some extent for thinking like that then it all starts over again. I would just like to know what your comments and suggestions in regards to the issues i have brought up on this post so i can help myself Many Thanks Jonathan Hershfield April 17, 2014 at 4:11 pm - Reply Hi Ben, you describe a lot of common compulsions often found in this from of OCD. My main suggestion is that you consider what worked about CBT for social anxiety and how you could apply it to this obsession. In social anxiety, the fear is that you will be evaluated negatively by others. The primary treatment is engaging in exposures that require you to be aware of this uncertainty and resist avoidance compulsions and mental review. Same is true here. Trying to get a “definitive” (read “certain”) answer as to whether you are, were, or could e attracted to something is a compulsion. The concept of a “slippery slope” toward thoughts becoming pleasurable merely implies a distorted thought process that thoughts becoming pleasurable is a thing to fear. Grace May 19, 2014 at 7:06 am - Reply With articles I usually don’t give feedback or anything but I just want to say that this actually helped. I feel alot more confident in myself than I was before and I want to say thank you. Now all I has to do is try and find myself some treatment so I can finally be free again. Jonathan Hershfield May 24, 2014 at 6:30 pm - Reply Thanks for the feedback! If you want to email me, let me know where you are geographically, maybe I can recommend a good specialist. Anna May 19, 2014 at 10:13 pm - Reply Hi. I’ve been struggling with this for about two months and it’s really getting me down. I’m finishing off my exams and I don’t want this to distract me. I have a therapist whom I see for my generalized anxiety disorder and I’ve brought the situation up with her and she has tried to help me the best that she can as it is making me anxious. I think it started when one of my friends, who I no longer speak too as we have fell out, every time the situation of relationships would be brought up she would always make a comment about lesbians and look at me as if she was directing it at me. At first it didn’t affect me because I know for certain I am not a lesbian. I’ve always liked men and have always been attracted to men, never to boys my own age but to men in their thirty’s to fifty’s. But then it started getting to me and there was this constant thing in the back of my head that kept on questioning me constantly and it’s really bringing me down. I always have intrusive thoughts about women and it freaks me out because I don’t find women attractive. I think women are beautiful but I don’t want to be with them. I’ve tried accepting the fact that I maybe gay but that hasn’t helped at all. My therapist recommended that I just let the thoughts happen then I’ll stop thinking about them as your thoughts aren’t a true reflection of who you are as by now I would be a serial killer if that were true. I’ve never been a relationship with a boy because I’ve never found anyone my age who is attractive to me. Anytime I’ve had sex dreams it has always been between myself and a male celebrity that I find attractive. I know that 16 is the pivotal age of discovering yourself and who you are but I’ve never changed and I know who I am its just convincing my mind that I am the person who I’ve been all along, that I haven’t changed. If you could get back to me whenever you could that would be much appreciated Jonathan Hershfield May 24, 2014 at 6:45 pm - Reply >>>I’ve tried accepting the fact that I maybe gay but that hasn’t helped at all. —It’s unclear what you mean by this statement. How specifically did you confront your fear of uncertainty? Using what techniques over what period of time? Did you do any exposure with response prevention? The issue, as you describe it, is that your mind keeps presenting you with the thought that you may be gay. You know you aren’t gay, but you find the thoughts threatening somehow. Somehow you are responding to them like they are threats instead of the way you respond to most thoughts, like they are just traffic of the mind. Your response to them makes them more intrusive, more distorted, and more persistent. Your therapist gave you some excellent advice and pointed out some of your distorted thinking. My recommendation would be to do some form of exposure to the fear that the presence of these thoughts means something, or your friend’s comment may mean something. You can probably do this in the form of imaginal scripting. Ask your therapist about it. Anna May 29, 2014 at 2:18 pm - Reply I remember reading somewhere that one of the best ways to get rid of HOCD is by accepting the possibility that I maybe possibly be gay so I tried it and it didn’t do anything. It just made me nervous. My friend started doing that when I accidentally said that I wasn’t God’s gift to women instead of men. I laughed at it at first because I just muddled my words up and thought nothing of it. But whenever we would talk about what we wanted in our weddings to our future husbands she would look at me specifically and say “Or wife. I don’t discriminate.” I felt like victimizing me and she knew that I am straight so why would she be saying it? I think that’s when it started and every time I would try to do my therapist said I would feel sick. I tried looking at pictures and stuff of girls together to figure it out and it just freaked me out and I wasn’t attracted to it at all and have no interest in wanting to be with girls. I’ve never doubted myself before and I know that I only like men and always have. I don’t want to to control my life and it’s frustrating because I know I’m straight but it keeps coming up. Jonathan Hershfield June 7, 2014 at 3:56 pm - Reply >>>>I remember reading somewhere that one of the best ways to get rid of HOCD is by accepting the possibility that I maybe possibly be gay so I tried it and it didn’t do anything. It just made me nervous. —It’s not clear what it is exactly that you did other than say something to yourself and hoped it would “get rid” of your unwanted thoughts all of a sudden, which is not how it works. Acceptance of uncertainty comes about from extended intervals of behavior that indicate you have accepted uncertainty. For example, months of exposure to things that trigger your unwanted thoughts while resisting the urge to seek reassurance. Indeed it should make you nervous if you stop doing compulsions. You need to habituate to that feeling instead of validating it with compulsions, making it worse. >>>My friend started doing that when I accidentally said that I wasn’t God’s gift to women instead of men. I laughed at it at first because I just muddled my words up and thought nothing of it. But whenever we would talk about what we wanted in our weddings to our future husbands she would look at me specifically and say “Or wife. I don’t discriminate.” I felt like victimizing me and she knew that I am straight so why would she be saying it? —Not knowable why people do what they do, but you are personalizing her behavior to fit with your obsession. If a friend of mine did the same thing, I would assume they were just being affectionate or silly by teasing me. >>>I think that’s when it started and every time I would try to do my therapist said I would feel sick. I tried looking at pictures and stuff of girls together to figure it out and it just freaked me out —Exposure with response prevention only works if it is exposure with response prevention. Exposing to something triggering while responding with efforts to “figure it out” is exposure with a compulsive response and will not work. >>>>and I wasn’t attracted to it at all and have no interest in wanting to be with girls. I’ve never doubted myself before and I know that I only like men and always have. I don’t want to to control my life and it’s frustrating because I know I’m straight but it keeps coming up. —In short, the key is to stop engaging in behaviors that give your OCD a reason to keep bringing it up. Trying to prove to yourself something you already know is the most powerful way to keep doubting thoughts coming up. R June 15, 2014 at 6:16 am - Reply Good evening Mr Jon Hershfield, I enjoy reading your articles as they have encouraged me to get my life back and look at the bigger picture which is OCD itself. Because I do not have the money, I have started doing self-therapy such as Mindfulness, CBT and ERP on my own. I’ve been reading your articles and Stephen Philippson as well on how to tackle pure ocd thoughts. I find reading both these articles have helped me most of the days in understanding better the demon that is OCD. However, I still need help with a few things: Something that bothers me is the fact that I do not feel any anxiety towards the thought, however my progress spirals down with a negative feeling when seeing good looking men. Again, looking at the bigger picture.. I know this is something I do not want sexually nor romantically… It’s just a bothersome feeling that’s akin to a piercing knife. What would you as a therapist suggest? Should I approach this mindfully? Thank you for your time. Jonathan Hershfield June 20, 2014 at 8:47 pm - Reply Yes, I think the mindful approach would be to acknowledge that you get this feeling sometimes and not try to explain it. Of the possible explanations, there is the idea that you’re somehow gay and don’t know it or in denial, that the feeling is coincidental, or that the feeling is a relic of the fact that you used to get really uncomfortable when you’d see “good looking” men and now you just get this. Trying to sort out which is the right answer is a compulsion. R June 24, 2014 at 3:13 am - Reply Ok got it! Invite the possibility of the inevitable! Thanks Jon! E August 13, 2014 at 11:57 am - Reply I am a 20 year old female and I believe I have been experiencing anxiety or OCD for a couple of years. I use to be extremely afraid of throwing up and would do everything in my power to prevent myself from getting sick. I would clean, look up symptoms, constantly ask people if I’m gonna get sick, and avoid situations where people were sick. I also have convinced myself that I have had a brain tumor and other really crazy illnesses that would be quite impossible. Now I have convinced myself I’m lesbian but really hoping it’s HOcD. I have always loved men, have always been extremely girly girlish and loved heterosexual love movies, and have had a boyfriend for 2 years. I have never thought about hooking up with a female because that grosses me out and I love guys too much. But one day I was looking at a picture of a girl and got a gronial response and now am convinced I’m lesbian. I have looked up how to know if your lesbian, coming out stories, taking tests, and so on. These things make me feel better but sometimes I stumble on the story about a girl who had no idea she was lesbian and I immediately freak out. I think about it constantly all day and it makes me depressed and I just wanna be with my boyfriend and be happy. I feel the need to always tell myself I’m not lesbian and these thoughts will just go away…but they never do. It makes me even more nervous that I do not really get sexually attracted to my boyfriend now that these thoughts have been happening. I always knew I wanted to marry my boyfriend and would always be excited thinking about having kids in the future. Now it seems like I can’t picture myself with anyone. I even go over past sexual events in my life that would make me feel lesbian even though I’m not. I have never kissed a girl or never planned to. I fear that sometimes I’m sitting like a lesbian or doing extremely lesbian things. I have even convinced myself that I have crushes on people even though they make me feel uncomfortable. I’m just afraid I’m living a lie and im just denying the fact that I’m lesbian even though I’m pretty sure you can’t just automatically turn gay. I have talked to my mom and boyfriend about this and they both think I’m crazy and say there is no way I’m actually lesbian, but I still don’t believe them. I know deep down but I just always have these stupid uncomfortable thoughts and I don’t know what to do. Jonathan Hershfield August 14, 2014 at 12:07 am - Reply >>>>I am a 20 year old female and I believe I have been experiencing anxiety or OCD for a couple of years. I use to be extremely afraid of throwing up and would do everything in my power to prevent myself from getting sick. I would clean, look up symptoms, constantly ask people if I’m gonna get sick, and avoid situations where people were sick. —This is sometimes referred to as emetophobia, and not an uncommon issue. I think it represents more than just a simple phobia, though, because there tend to be many complex rituals involved, which I think are better understood in the context of an OCD diagnosis. >>>>I also have convinced myself that I have had a brain tumor and other really crazy illnesses that would be quite impossible. —Yes, also common in OCD. >>>Now I have convinced myself I’m lesbian but really hoping it’s HOcD. —So let me just address two things that stand out from the above statement. First, you are saying you have “convinced” yourself of something, but this cannot be true. if you were convinced, you would not be in doubt, and you would not be pursuing further analysis of the issue. You have a fear of being a lesbian, which is not the same thing as being convinced that you are one. Secondly, I think we need to be careful about saying things like “I hope it’s OCD.” this statement is its own meta-OCD trap. Why would you hope to have a terrible and sometimes debilitating mental health issue? What you are really saying, again, is that you are afraid you could be a lesbian and are wishing it not to be true. This wishing is a ritual in OCD. >>>>I have always loved men, have always been extremely girly girlish and loved heterosexual love movies, and have had a boyfriend for 2 years. I have never thought about hooking up with a female because that grosses me out and I love guys too much. But one day I was looking at a picture of a girl and got a gronial response and now am convinced I’m lesbian. —You are either very easy to convince of things, or you are over-attending to your thoughts like they are automatically important. Where is the evidence that having a groinal response to something is an indicator or predictor of one’s sexual orientation? >>>>I have looked up how to know if your lesbian, coming out stories, taking tests, and so on. These things make me feel better but sometimes I stumble on the story about a girl who had no idea she was lesbian and I immediately freak out. I think about it constantly all day and it makes me depressed and I just wanna be with my boyfriend and be happy. I feel the need to always tell myself I’m not lesbian and these thoughts will just go away…but they never do. —Why would they? They live off of compulsions like repeatedly reassuring yourself that you are certain you are straight and you continue to feed them. >>>>It makes me even more nervous that I do not really get sexually attracted to my boyfriend now that these thoughts have been happening. I always knew I wanted to marry my boyfriend and would always be excited thinking about having kids in the future. Now it seems like I can’t picture myself with anyone. I even go over past sexual events in my life that would make me feel lesbian even though I’m not. I have never kissed a girl or never planned to. I fear that sometimes I’m sitting like a lesbian or doing extremely lesbian things. —Sounds like you are doing the same compulsions you used to do because of your fear of getting sick and they are getting increasingly indirect. >>>>I have even convinced myself that I have crushes on people even though they make me feel uncomfortable. I’m just afraid I’m living a lie and im just denying the fact that I’m lesbian even though I’m pretty sure you can’t just automatically turn gay. I have talked to my mom and boyfriend about this and they both think I’m crazy and say there is no way I’m actually lesbian, but I still don’t believe them. I know deep down but I just always have these stupid uncomfortable thoughts and I don’t know what to do. —I can’t diagnose you from a blog comment, but you describe yourself as having history of OCD and you describe several common symptoms of sexual-orientation obsessions and compulsions. My recommendation would be to stop trying to address what you think is a sexual orientation issue and start addressing what you know is an OCD issue. If you get CBT from an OCD specialist, perhaps this will help you get out of this, but more importantly it will help you avoid getting into some other OCD mess later in life. If you want to tell me where you are geographically, perhaps I can suggest a good therapist. You might also find The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD (Hershfield/Corboy) and/or Freedom From Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (Grayson) useful. Melissa October 16, 2014 at 2:07 pm - Reply In the night, I started to research on a little further and found some articles that said that one homosexual experience did not define you. This got me thinking: “oh, maybe I do want to experiment, but then I’ll want to experiment again, because I am really going to like it; thus, I’ll live my life just saying I am “experimenting” while I say to the others that I am straight.” Even though I felt really anxious at the moment, I also felt like it was real; like if I really wanted to experiment, and that this would actually feel good, and that it would be something that I would enjoy. Couple of minutes later, after the anxiety subdued, I realised that I would probably not be capable of experimenting; however, in the time of the “thought” I felt like it was something that I truly wanted to do and would truly enjoy. Is it normal for these intrusive thoughts to be positive, meaning that they didn’t cause me “disgust” but instead triggered a sentiment of enjoyment??? Does it have to do with homosexuality?? I am very confused and haven’t been able to concentrate on anything for the last 12 hours… Jonathan Hershfield October 17, 2014 at 5:46 pm - Reply >>>In the night, I started to research on a little further and found some articles —I would advise against night research as a strategy for overcoming an obsession. >>> that said that one homosexual experience did not define you. This got me thinking: “oh, maybe I do want to experiment, but then I’ll want to experiment again, because I am really going to like it; thus, I’ll live my life just saying I am “experimenting” while I say to the others that I am straight.” —Maybe. The question is why you think such an idea is a threat to you in the present. >>>Even though I felt really anxious at the moment, I also felt like it was real; like if I really wanted to experiment, and that this would actually feel good, and that it would be something that I would enjoy. Couple of minutes later, after the anxiety subdued, I realised that I would probably not be capable of experimenting; however, in the time of the “thought” I felt like it was something that I truly wanted to do and would truly enjoy. Is it normal for these intrusive thoughts to be positive, meaning that they didn’t cause me “disgust” but instead triggered a sentiment of enjoyment??? Does it have to do with homosexuality?? I am very confused and haven’t been able to concentrate on anything for the last 12 hours… —The objective reality is that things that feel good, feel good. Believing that you should be disgusted by something that feels good makes little sense. I am not disgusted by the idea of using heroin. I think it would probably feel great. My decision not to use this drug isn;t based on some ridiculous notion that I would hate it, but because I just don’t see it fitting into my lifestyle and the consequences or risks outweigh the idea that it would be a good feeling. This doesn’t make me a closeted drug addict, just a realist. I’m not gay. This doesn’t mean that I think a gay sexual act would be void of pleasure. It just means any curiosity I might have about it is not guiding my behavior. In terms of OCD, you need to stop trying to figure out if your thoughts and feelings “make you” gay and instead work on accepting that you have all kinds of thoughts and feelings and none of them are automatically important until you follow them with behavior. Brenna October 20, 2014 at 12:19 am - Reply lately I have obsessively thinking if I am straight or not (I am a 25 yr old women). I have been looking up how you know if you are a lesbian/bi/straight. If I’m out I will look at women and see if I am attracted to them. I keep telling myself I’m straight because I know deep down that I am. I have always been attracted to men and have been in relationships and have had crushes. I am really confused and am not sure what to think. I’ve never been diagnosed with ocd before and I don’t know if I do have hocd or not. Jonathan Hershfield October 20, 2014 at 5:46 pm - Reply I can’t diagnose you from a blog comment. I can say that reassurance-seeking on the internet, “testing” to see what you are or are not attracted to, repeatedly telling yourself that your fears are untrue because of xyz, and repeatedly reviewing your past for evidence that your fears are true or untrue are all common compulsions for people with OCD. Nutella October 22, 2014 at 7:48 pm - Reply Hello everyone, So it’s been a week of not checking the blogs or forums for me! (This doesn’t count – I haven’t looking at anything above posting this comment). I just wanted to tell you that not checking online for reassurance helps. A LOT. When you have no unlimited resources like the internet to check for reassurance, things feel so much better and at least more in perspective. I think I’m at the stage where now I’m obsessing even more about my orientation, but in refusing to check – or at least, trying to change my habits of compulsions when I do notice I’m doing them – is helping. The internet can and will tell you anything and everything, and it doesn’t necessarily apply to your life. Only you know you. I’m no where close to beating this HOCD, but I’m learning to accept the possibility that maybe I am in denial! But even if I am, I still choose guys and am not living in fear. It’s so much better now, and it’s only been a couple of days. Dr. Hershfield’s book about mindfulness is so, so, so, so insightful. I highly recommend it. It is reminding me that life in the present is life best lived. I highly recommend literally BLOCKING on your computer sites like ocdspecialists, ocdla brainphysics, empty closets, psych forums, etc. They are intelligent and amazing resources for information, but as people on them have stressed so much, they also fuel reassurance. it’s like going to a bar when you have a problem with alcohol. Just wanted to share some positive thoughts and encouragement. 🙂 Nutella Jonathan Hershfield October 27, 2014 at 8:41 pm - Reply Glad to hear you are doing the work and getting better. And I wholeheartedly agree — everyone block me! Keep up the great work! Tristan Gaddis November 1, 2014 at 2:49 pm - Reply Hi. I’m a 16 year old male. Im pretty sure I’m suffering from HOCD. I have always had ocd. For example I used to think I had cancer and it was terrible, I would look up answers to find out if I really had cancer. That all started from one little pain in my stomach. I’m getting off topic. Back to hocd. This started about a year ago. About the same time last year. I had it up to spring break. I fell in love with a girl. I have strong feelings for her and I love her. The ocd went away for a while until it came back about two months ago. I constanly seek an answer. Always looking on the internet. I have moments where I’m good and then moments where I feel like I’m losing my mind and there is no hope. I stay away from my guy friends.I also feel like sometimes that Im not dating my girlfriend. I have always enjoyed being attracted to girls and I’ve had crushes on girls since I was very little. I have never liked men. And I never will. But the thoughts that go thru my head are killing me. I can’t sleep and can enjoy being with my girlfriend. I was recently prescribed to celexa. I just hope everything goes back to normal. I want my life back from this ocd monster. Any advice? Jonathan Hershfield November 1, 2014 at 4:38 pm - Reply >>>Hi. I’m a 16 year old male. Im pretty sure I’m suffering from HOCD. I have always had ocd. For example I used to think I had cancer and it was terrible, I would look up answers to find out if I really had cancer. That all started from one little pain in my stomach. —I’m not sure what the neurological connection is, but in my clinical experience it appears that many people with HOCD have a history of health anxiety. >>>I’m getting off topic. Back to hocd. This started about a year ago. About the same time last year. I had it up to spring break. I fell in love with a girl. I have strong feelings for her and I love her. The ocd went away for a while until it came back about two months ago. I constanly seek an answer. Always looking on the internet. —These are compulsions. Some people use hand sanitizer to feel certain their hands don;t have germs on them. You use the internet to feel certain you’ve wiped away any possible gayness. >>>I have moments where I’m good and then moments where I feel like I’m losing my mind and there is no hope. I stay away from my guy friends. –This avoidance is also a compulsion, no different than avoiding door knobs for someone with contamination fears. >>>I also feel like sometimes that Im not dating my girlfriend. I have always enjoyed being attracted to girls and I’ve had crushes on girls since I was very little. I have never liked men. And I never will. But the thoughts that go thru my head are killing me. I can’t sleep and can enjoy being with my girlfriend. I was recently prescribed to celexa. I just hope everything goes back to normal. I want my life back from this ocd monster. Any advice? —The most effective treatment for OCD is cognitive behavioral therapy with an ocd specialist. If you want to email me what geographical area you are in, I might be able to recommend an appropriate therapist. Otherwise you can check the treatment provider list at iocdf.org. je187u November 6, 2014 at 1:48 am - Reply THANK YOU for this 4 part article mr ! About a year ago i understood that i’ve been strugling with HOCD , contamination ocd , for 14 years , i’m 28 right now , the thought of being gay or bisexual made me attempt suicide 2 times when i was younger and to contemplate suicide numerous times because i could not live like that any more . WHEN I was younger i was a extremely homophobic . BUT I CHOSE ” LIFE ” Every time i think about being gay or not i always , every single time , realize that i’m 100% straight , i have never been aroused by man , i don’t love men but instead i am aroused only by women and love only women BUT i still have always doubt in my head thinking that ” what if this time i’ve changed ????? ” ME realizing that i’m straight is very time consuming , because of the constant doubting , it rubs me of time on this earth and i know that doubt will always be there , i can’t fight this , What should i do to fight the doubt ? me being extremely confident based of the numerous times i realized that i’m straight regardless of the thought that come into my head , not letting doubt creep in is the right approach ? YOU SAY “: How do I know if I’m gay? What if I am? I have to know! You have to guess. You have to settle for confidence instead of certainty. You have to live your life as if you are the thing you want to be and risk being wrong ” I don’t understand the gassing part can you please elaborate more on this… Jonathan Hershfield November 6, 2014 at 4:30 am - Reply >>>>THANK YOU for this 4 part article mr ! About a year ago i understood that i’ve been strugling with HOCD , contamination ocd , for 14 years , i’m 28 right now , the thought of being gay or bisexual made me attempt suicide 2 times when i was younger and to contemplate suicide numerous times because i could not live like that any more . —Sorry you have gone through so much pain. You make a technical error here when you say that the thought of being gay or bi “made you attempt suicide.” Thoughts are thoughts. It was your belief that you could not tolerate the idea of being gay that lead to your conclusion that you should attempt to harm yourself. This belief, that certain kinds of thoughts are unbearable, is a dangerous belief. >>>WHEN I was younger i was a extremely homophobic . BUT I CHOSE ” LIFE ” Every time i think about being gay or not i always , every single time , realize that i’m 100% straight , i have never been aroused by man , i don’t love men but instead i am aroused only by women and love only women BUT i still have always doubt in my head thinking that ” what if this time i’ve changed ????? ” —The concept of “what if this time it;s different” is very common in OCD. It is a sign of a common cognitive distortion called Disqualifying the Positive. Basically what it means is that you are not allowing in any information that contradicts your obsession. This can be rectified in cognitive behavioral therapy. >>>ME realizing that i’m straight is very time consuming , because of the constant doubting , it rubs me of time on this earth and i know that doubt will always be there , i can’t fight this , What should i do to fight the doubt ? —Since you have established quite clearly that fighting the doubt is a waste of time, it makes more sense to learn how to live alongside the doubt instead >>>me being extremely confident based of the numerous times i realized that i’m straight regardless of the thought that come into my head , not letting doubt creep in is the right approach ? —I would say letting doubt come and go as it pleases and not let its presence or absence influence your behavior. >>>YOU SAY “: How do I know if I’m gay? What if I am? I have to know! You have to guess. You have to settle for confidence instead of certainty. You have to live your life as if you are the thing you want to be and risk being wrong ” I don’t understand the gassing part can you please elaborate more on this… —No. je187u November 6, 2014 at 2:11 am - Reply “You have to live your life as if you are the thing you want to be ” SO I should accept the possibility that i could be living a lie ? Jonathan Hershfield November 6, 2014 at 4:32 am - Reply You seem to have no problem accepting the possibility that I am not Jon Hershfield. You read these blogs and comments and treat them like they have value because of your assessment that it is probably this guy Jon Hershfield who’s probably an OCD therapist. So yes, in order to accomplish pretty much anything, we have to accept the possibility that we are wrong. je187u November 6, 2014 at 4:33 am - Reply basically I’ve reach the conclusion that whatever rational and impartial conclusion that i reach in life i must not let doubt about that idea creeps in my head because doubt is just poison , it doesn’t do me any good , instead it paralyses me, doubt does not let me live my life, instead i must let destiny and future prove me wrong instead of doubting the conclusion i’ve reached … what good could a firefighter do if he would doubt creep in his mind , how could he rescue people … Louise December 12, 2014 at 3:11 am - Reply Hello, and thanks for the article. I am a 19 year old female and have liked many boys. I have been suffering with HOCD for the last 2 years. Yesterday at night, my friend came home from a party and told me that she saw some lesbians kissing at a party and took a picture of them. I had the thought that I wanted to see this pictures. I have now spend the entire day analysing why I wanted to see this pictures. Because my friend erased the pictures, I googled some images of lesbians kissing. Although at first I felt disgusted I then started to feel erotic/ sexual pleasure seeing these images while feeling anxious at the same time. I had never felt this combination of sexual pleasure with what perhaps was anxiety while seeing a straight couple kiss. The images of the lesbians kissing were erotic, sexual, and I felt my mind was telling me that this was something that I wanted to do and that I would enjoy. Is this a sign of a hidden homosexuality that I must come to terms with? Does imagining lesbian scenarios and feeling sexually exited, curious, mean I have a lesbian inclination? I feel I will never be able to overcome hocd until I accept that I am gay. PLEASE HELP. I am under great great distress. If I imagine what being a lesbian is: having gay thoughts and liking them, and I have gay thoughts which make me feel that I want to pursuit these actions and make me think I like them (even though in reality I dont think I would find these possible or carry them out), does this make me a lesbian? Also, sometimes I feel an impulse to kiss a girl just to see for once a for all if I like it, but I am afraid. I beg you to help me. Jonathan Hershfield December 18, 2014 at 9:48 pm - Reply >>>>Hello, and thanks for the article. I am a 19 year old female and have liked many boys. I have been suffering with HOCD for the last 2 years. Yesterday at night, my friend came home from a party and told me that she saw some lesbians kissing at a party and took a picture of them. I had the thought that I wanted to see this pictures. I have now spend the entire day analysing why I wanted to see this pictures. —I don’t get it. Why would you not want to look at the pictures? If they were pictures of a bobcat fighting a rabid dog, would you need to know for certain why you wanted to or did not want to look at those? >>>Because my friend erased the pictures, I googled some images of lesbians kissing. Although at first I felt disgusted I then started to feel erotic/ sexual pleasure seeing these images while feeling anxious at the same time. I had never felt this combination of sexual pleasure with what perhaps was anxiety while seeing a straight couple kiss. The images of the lesbians kissing were erotic, sexual, and I felt my mind was telling me that this was something that I wanted to do and that I would enjoy. Is this a sign of a hidden homosexuality that I must come to terms with? —You seem to be searching for meaning in the inherently meaningless. Seems completely normal to me that a person might find erotic pictures to generate erotic arousal, regardless of their preferred orientation. Anxiety comes into the picture when you start seeking certainty instead of accepting experiences as they are in the present moment without judgment. >>>Does imagining lesbian scenarios and feeling sexually exited, curious, mean I have a lesbian inclination? —See above. >>>>I feel I will never be able to overcome hocd until I accept that I am gay. —This is a contradictory statement, much like saying you will never overcome hypochondriasis until you accept you have cancer. >>>PLEASE HELP. I am under great great distress. If I imagine what being a lesbian is: having gay thoughts and liking them, and I have gay thoughts which make me feel that I want to pursuit these actions and make me think I like them (even though in reality I dont think I would find these possible or carry them out), does this make me a lesbian? Also, sometimes I feel an impulse to kiss a girl just to see for once a for all if I like it, but I am afraid. I beg you to help me. —You appear to be painting yourself into a corner of black and white thinking, wherein the basic idea of liking something suddenly defines your entire identity. Being a lesbian makes you a lesbian. Liking or not liking individual things has little do with it. I’m not sure what I can do to help you from a blog post other than suggest that you stop trying to seek certainty and consider that you might be dealing with an obsession. In that case, I would recommend seeing an ocd specialist for an evaluation and/or reading one of the many books on the subject to help you identify and resist compulsions. Lauren January 6, 2015 at 7:59 pm - Reply Jonathan, thank you very much for this article and for all of your responses. I really appreciate the time and energy you’ve put into this. Best wishes to you. Jonathan Hershfield January 12, 2015 at 4:35 am - Reply Thanks for the kind comment, Lauren! Amy January 10, 2015 at 12:09 am - Reply Hi, two months ago I had an abortion and ever since I’ve been suffering with intrusive thoughts everyday and at night is when I usually have my moment of relief when the thoughts completely go away and I feel so happy and as if there has been a weight lifted off my shoulders, and I essentially feel like knowing that at the end of the day the thoughts always go away is what keeps me sane. When I was 13-14 I had questioned just randomly that I might be a lesbian and it freaked me out, and I had learned that if you knock on wood three times any possible jinx goes away, so from then on I would repeat to myself I’m not gay I like men every night and knock on wood and it had become sort of a ritual because I had never actually found any female attractive I could look at naked women and not think anything of it, I’m now 19 years old and still doing the same thing but it’s gotten to the point after the anortion where some days I’m afraid to go out because I’ll find a girl attractive or that I’m in love with one of my best friends and whenever Im not with her I over analyze everything and keep asking my self if I do like her and then when im with her I don’t feel any attraction towards her and I feel completely normal and I tell myself I can accept being a lesbian but when I do the thoughts still don’t go away and when I fight them I can do so for hours and hours a day I stay in the washroom and talk to myself and it was never this bad. I just don’t know what to do and I feel like I’m GONNA wake up one morning and be in a relationship with a female and there’s gonna be nothing I can do about it and it scares me. Another thing I don’t understand is that I don’t find females sexually attractive but I keep having this thought that Im GONNA be in a relationship with one and it doesn’t make sense to me, I’m losing my mind over this and I just want my thoughts to go back to normal I want to marry a man and have children with a man and I want my best friends to be my bridesmaids. I test myself an awful and its literally the same thing every time every day I make a speech to myself about 4-5 times a day and its ridicuLous. And I’m also afraid of my friend being attracted to me, none of this makes any sense and I just want it to all go away, I pray for it to go away but I feel like this is my punishment for the abortion and now I’m just going to have to live with it. as for the knocking on wood it’s gotten so much worse that everyone points it out and it’s impeding me from doing things and being in the moment rather than in my head. I just need help and don’t know what to do anymore, is this hocd or am I in some sort of denial because I really do not want to ever be in a relationship with a female, I just want my sanity back Jonathan Hershfield January 12, 2015 at 5:12 am - Reply >>>>Hi, two months ago I had an abortion and ever since I’ve been suffering with intrusive thoughts everyday and at night is when I usually have my moment of relief when the thoughts completely go away and I feel so happy and as if there has been a weight lifted off my shoulders, and I essentially feel like knowing that at the end of the day the thoughts always go away is what keeps me sane. —Sorry to hear you had to go through a difficult experience. Sometimes traumatic situations can precede OCD episodes. Spending the day waiting for thoughts to go away is a guaranteed way to keep them intruding during the day. >>>>When I was 13-14 I had questioned just randomly that I might be a lesbian and it freaked me out, and I had learned that if you knock on wood three times any possible jinx goes away, so from then on I would repeat to myself I’m not gay I like men every night and knock on wood and it had become sort of a ritual because I had never actually found any female attractive I could look at naked women and not think anything of it, I’m now 19 years old and still doing the same thing but it’s gotten to the point after the anortion where some days I’m afraid to go out because I’ll find a girl attractive or that I’m in love with one of my best friends and whenever Im not with her I over analyze everything and keep asking my self if I do like her and then when im with her I don’t feel any attraction towards her and I feel completely normal and I tell myself I can accept being a lesbian but when I do the thoughts still don’t go away and when I fight them I can do so for hours and hours a day I stay in the washroom and talk to myself and it was never this bad. —You describe a lot of common OCD symptoms. >>>>I just don’t know what to do and I feel like I’m GONNA wake up one morning and be in a relationship with a female —That would be an unusual way to wake up. >>>>and there’s gonna be nothing I can do about it and it scares me. Another thing I don’t understand is that I don’t find females sexually attractive but I keep having this thought that Im GONNA be in a relationship with one and it doesn’t make sense to me, I’m losing my mind over this and I just want my thoughts to go back to normal I want to marry a man and have children with a man and I want my best friends to be my bridesmaids. I test myself an awful and its literally the same thing every time every day I make a speech to myself about 4-5 times a day and its ridicuLous. And I’m also afraid of my friend being attracted to me, none of this makes any sense and I just want it to all go away, I pray for it to go away but I feel like this is my punishment for the abortion and now I’m just going to have to live with it. as for the knocking on wood it’s gotten so much worse that everyone points it out and it’s impeding me from doing things and being in the moment rather than in my head. I just need help and don’t know what to do anymore, is this hocd or am I in some sort of denial because I really do not want to ever be in a relationship with a female, I just want my sanity back —It sounds like your OCD is pretty severe and you are doing a ton of compulsions. My recommendation is to get CBT from an OCD specialist so you can learn the tools you need for overcoming this disorder. Joe January 10, 2015 at 12:25 am - Reply I’m not sure if it’s a good strategy, but several times for the past couple of weeks I have tried something resembling an exposure script. It’s basically just me calmly and deliberately rewinding all my previous thoughts, feelings and experiences regarding my sexual orientation, looking back on some things from the past in a more ”revealing” light, confronting my denial and establishing the obsessions I have as nothing more then a defense mechanism, etc.and then gathering up the exposed evidence and trying to visualize a future in which I am a gay man. I did this several times and at first it was really uncomfortable. Now I use little bits of the ”speech” whenever I start feeling really unsure or when I feel like I REALLY need to make sure. In a way, I’m discouraging myself from obsessing by accepting the possible unwanted outcome. Sometimes it’s just a little reminder, but whenever I become really worried, I try to be really self-confrontational and blunt. If I eventually manage to reconcile and be at ease with what the script is predicting, is that ironically likely to trigger more worrying? Jonathan Hershfield January 12, 2015 at 5:14 am - Reply If I understand what you are describing, it sounds like a good approach. You want to be doing exposure to the possibility that you are in denial and may never know for sure. Joe January 12, 2015 at 10:08 am - Reply Honestly that sounds more scary than the idea of just being gay, but I guess that’s the point of a successful exposure. Thanks. Amy January 25, 2015 at 4:09 am - Reply Hi, I’ve posted here before and the thoughts about my friend have gotten worse to the point where I feel like Im lying when I say I want to be with a guy or when I say I find a guy attractive. I just don’t feel like myself and I wish these thoughts about wanting to be with my friend would go away. They actually aren’t any specific thoughts it’s just that my mind tells me I’m lying to myself about wanting to be with males but when I say okay I do like my friend the idea of being with her makes me sick and I just can’t picture being in a relationship with someone I see as being my sister. And I went out on a date and for a few moments the bad thoughts would go away and I was enjoying myself but then they would come back and I felt like it ruined everything and I’m just afraid I’m always gonna have these thoughts and never be happy with a man. I just want everything to go back to normal, it’s not even a real thought it’s like nothing is there but it still bothers me that I had the thought in the first place. I’m absolutely disgusted by the idea of being with my friend and this is ruining my percepto Jonathan Hershfield January 30, 2015 at 5:14 am - Reply Sorry you’re having such a rough time, Amy. The more you wish for thoughts to go away and treat them like intruders, the more intrusive and disturbing they will be. You describe doing a lot of mental ritualizing, theorizing, reviewing scenarios in your head, etc. These are all attempts to prove you don’t “like” your friend and they are what is fueling the obsession. You don’t have to tell yourself you DO like her. There is no evidence to support this assertion, so even as an exposure it is ineffective. You have to be willing to say “OK, there’s that thought, and that’s fine, maybe it means whatever and so be it.” You will only be able to do this if you stop checking, testing, and reviewing, and instead focus on the present moment. This may mean tolerating anxiety as it comes and goes and not trying so hard to get rid of it. Are you seeing an ocd therapist? That would help you construct a plan for letting go of this obsession. Amy January 31, 2015 at 2:20 am - Reply Thank you for the feedback. I have not met with an OCD specialist but I am meeting with a counsellor who has suggested we do talk therapy and if need be I will get an OCD test done and go from there. Even when I accept the thought it still doesn’t go away and when I haven’t thought about it for a while in that duration I’m fine but as soon as I realize I haven’t thought of it the thought comes back, it’s like I do it on purpose and I don’t want to. I just don’t like being around her when I have these thoughts and it just really sucks, we’re room mates so it’s really hard dealing with this. I just want my friend back to being my friend in my mind and not be bothered by the thought of her Jonathan Hershfield February 1, 2015 at 5:18 am - Reply >>>>Thank you for the feedback. I have not met with an OCD specialist but I am meeting with a counsellor who has suggested we do talk therapy and if need be I will get an OCD test done and go from there. Even when I accept the thought it still doesn’t go away —If you are waiting and watching for the thought go away, then you are not accepting it. >>>>and when I haven’t thought about it for a while in that duration I’m fine but as soon as I realize I haven’t thought of it the thought comes back, it’s like I do it on purpose and I don’t want to. —Rather than viewing the thought as leaving and returning, you need to view the thought as being a thought that you are either attending to or not attending to, but always exists nonetheless. >>>I just don’t like being around her when I have these thoughts and it just really sucks, we’re room mates so it’s really hard dealing with this. I just want my friend back to being my friend in my mind and not be bothered by the thought of her —I understand it is frustrating. Keep practicing being around her and not treating the thoughts as threats. Joe February 5, 2015 at 1:18 am - Reply Your replies to my questions have been really helpful, Jonathan so first I would like to thank you. I’ve made some strange observations recently, on one of my more relaxed days. I recently listened to an episode of Invisibilia, and got some really helpful insight on the basics of CBT. So far, I’ve tried to apply mindfulness basics to my everyday life by raising awareness and tolerance to the anxiety-inducing thoughts and sensations. I’ve also done some admittedly unstructured DIY ERP, and it has been helpful. Most interestingly, while I was trying to abstain from compulsive actions in real life and online (it’s difficult) I somehow neglected to pay more attention to all the weird rituals I performed constantly in my head. I say little because unlike the more obvious mental rituals, they are mostly fleeting, reassuring thoughts that spark up through the anxiety, and recently, I’ve been doing my best to identify them. As it turned out, unsurprisingly, there are a lot of them, some of them like tiny mantras, and I conjure them up almost automatically (I might even say subconsciously but that sounds dumb) . So, how is identifying and managing a compulsive thought different from deliberately suppressing an obsessive thought? I understand the former is beneficial and the later isn’t but what should I pay attention to? Thank you, again. 🙂 Jonathan Hershfield February 8, 2015 at 6:58 am - Reply These are good observations. To your question, there is a different between trying to suppress a thought (which is bad) and trying to interfere in or resist a mental ritual (such as a self-reassurance, neutralizing, mental review, analysis, etc.). The key is to notice when you are actively and voluntarily trying to DO something in your mind aimed at getting certainty about your obsession, label it as a behavior, and abandon it for the present moment. This may mean letting it go on in the background sometimes, but not actively participating in it. You’re not responsible for what you can;t control, and some noise in your head looks like mental rituals but is just happening automatically. However, once you notice you are doing it, you can resume control and walk away from it, or at least try. There is a fair amount of discussion about the different kinds of mental rituals and how to make sense of them in The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD. je187u March 21, 2015 at 2:34 am - Reply TY for the help and this site mr , i see you help a lot of people here , God bless you ! Michelle July 17, 2015 at 3:10 am - Reply “You have to settle for confidence instead of certainty. You have to live your life as if you are the thing you want to be and risk being wrong.” I know it’s not actually true to believe I can’t handle the risk in being wrong but I really feel like I can’t handle it if I am wrong and even more so, not being able to know, RIGHT NOW, if I am right or wrong. And my relationship, how do I know I am in the right relationship now and this is how it is supposed to feel? Sometimes this one plays around in my head. I still get anxiety around a female coworker who is gay and I can’t tell if it’s anxiety because of fear related to OCD or anxiety because I am attracted to her. I was introduced to the book “You are not your brain”. I was all motivated to learn on ways to manage my anxiety and doubt but I feel like I just can’t be certain I am even labelling thoughts properly. What if I am wrong? How do I know I am doing this right? How do I know when a thought is just a thought/deceptive message/intrusive? Others seem to be able to also KNOW they aren’t gay/bisexual but their brain won’t stop the doubt. While I have had some of those moments, right now I don’t feel like I can answer that so I doubt the moments of being confident. Maybe I am just trying to convince myself I am straight and not bisexual? By being mindful of thoughts or working on feelings/thoughts through CBT are people able to trust in the thoughts and feelings they believe are their true self? Are they able to tell who their true self is? I just feel like I can’t settle with any label right now and that almost feels worse. Actually it makes me consider a different label I hadn’t previously considered in all this anxiety and doubt. It’s so hard for me to even know HOW I know I am attracted to someone in a sexual/intimate relationship way. Does this make sense for Ocd symptoms? I go through waves where I think “Ya I should get help, I should go see an OCD specialists” and then waves of “This is probably not even OCD and I’ll just feel like an idiot after seeing them. I just need to learn to accept myself”. I have this script I play in my head of what I would say to the therapist to see if I could even explain myself properly (sometimes writing/typing comes easier then explaining things verbally for me. Could I bring that in?). I am just really not sure about seeing a therapist because I just imagine myself choking up and not explaining things properly. Sometimes it takes me being consumed in the fear to be able to express what happens. Maybe they will think I just read the diagnostic manual and I am just trying to diagnose myself instead of working on accepting my sexual orientation. But why would I be able to relate and understand the doubt and anxiety other ocd sufferers go through? Like, I get it. (Oh and I am not saying I understand what it’s like to have certain themes or compulsions but I get how doubt and anxiety could be present and convince people of things that just aren’t true). In fact I am doubting everything I am writing here because maybe I am just trying to convince you that I am experiencing ocd symptoms and I want reassurance and certainty (which I know I do). Sorry maybe this was more of a ramble then anything. I am not even highly anxious in my body but feel very stuck in my head (could this still be a symptom?). I Jon Hershfield July 18, 2015 at 8:42 pm - Reply >>>>“You have to settle for confidence instead of certainty. You have to live your life as if you are the thing you want to be and risk being wrong.” I know it’s not actually true to believe I can’t handle the risk in being wrong but I really feel like I can’t handle it if I am wrong and even more so, not being able to know, RIGHT NOW, if I am right or wrong. —Yes, it is difficult, but as you pointed out, it’s a FEELING. >>>>And my relationship, how do I know I am in the right relationship now and this is how it is supposed to feel? Sometimes this one plays around in my head. I still get anxiety around a female coworker who is gay and I can’t tell if it’s anxiety because of fear related to OCD or anxiety because I am attracted to her. —It is unknown. More importantly, it is unknowable. >>>I was introduced to the book “You are not your brain”. I was all motivated to learn on ways to manage my anxiety and doubt but I feel like I just can’t be certain I am even labelling thoughts properly. What if I am wrong? How do I know I am doing this right? How do I know when a thought is just a thought/deceptive message/intrusive? Others seem to be able to also KNOW they aren’t gay/bisexual but their brain won’t stop the doubt. While I have had some of those moments, right now I don’t feel like I can answer that so I doubt the moments of being confident. Maybe I am just trying to convince myself I am straight and not bisexual? By being mindful of thoughts or working on feelings/thoughts through CBT are people able to trust in the thoughts and feelings they believe are their true self? Are they able to tell who their true self is? —You have a disorder characterized by a deficit in the ability to tolerate uncertainty. CBT can improve this deficit. >>>>>I just feel like I can’t settle with any label right now and that almost feels worse. Actually it makes me consider a different label I hadn’t previously considered in all this anxiety and doubt. It’s so hard for me to even know HOW I know I am attracted to someone in a sexual/intimate relationship way. Does this make sense for Ocd symptoms? —I suppose because I treat OCD and hear this sort of thing a lot. >>>>I go through waves where I think “Ya I should get help, I should go see an OCD specialists” and then waves of “This is probably not even OCD and I’ll just feel like an idiot after seeing them. I just need to learn to accept myself”. —Feeling like an idiot and accepting yourself are not mutually exclusive from having OCD and getting treatment for it. >>>I have this script I play in my head of what I would say to the therapist to see if I could even explain myself properly (sometimes writing/typing comes easier then explaining things verbally for me. Could I bring that in?). —You could, but it sounds like a compulsion to me. >>>I am just really not sure about seeing a therapist because I just imagine myself choking up and not explaining things properly. Sometimes it takes me being consumed in the fear to be able to express what happens. Maybe they will think I just read the diagnostic manual and I am just trying to diagnose myself instead of working on accepting my sexual orientation. But why would I be able to relate and understand the doubt and anxiety other ocd sufferers go through? Like, I get it. (Oh and I am not saying I understand what it’s like to have certain themes or compulsions but I get how doubt and anxiety could be present and convince people of things that just aren’t true). —Because you have OCD and you’re empathic but you don’t have all obsessions all the time? >>>>In fact I am doubting everything I am writing here because maybe I am just trying to convince you that I am experiencing ocd symptoms and I want reassurance and certainty (which I know I do). Sorry maybe this was more of a ramble then anything. I am not even highly anxious in my body but feel very stuck in my head (could this still be a symptom?). I —The thing you need to recognize here is that your attempts to get certainty are compulsions that are actually fueling doubt and pushing you further way from clarity. Michelle July 18, 2015 at 2:00 am - Reply I have a question about intrusive thoughts. What I keep thinking about these, when I read from others and material, is like a loud voice that just flashes in someones brain. Like if in this text a sentence would be in caps, huge font and bolded and its in red and just flashes out of nowhere. So the way an intrusive thought would just intrude into consciousness like “bam”. And then this leads to a response which is anxiety and then a compulsion (in ocd). But can it be ocd if a thought was more gradual in nature? Where I had the thought “what if im a lesbian and I didnt realize it?”. It caused worry and fear and then I didnt mainly worry about it for a few weeks (at this point had lots of doubt and feelings I didnt want about my relationship). And then I started thinking what if im a lesbian more and more, “maybe it would explain my relationship doubts”.But i cant guarantee it just intruded into my consciousness like a big flash against my will. It was like I got more and more anxiety and then the question kept getting bigger and lead to ruminating and analyzing and more doubt. It was like once i thought it I couldnt not not think about it until it did become obsessive. And i am scared to say this but I can’t be sure I have single intrusive thoughts that are just louder then all the rest against my will. Thiz then makes me think maybe the thoughts arent egodystonic? As far as overanalyzing or ruminating, thinking about the worst case scenario or seeking reassurance in some way, I dont really remember a time that I didnt do this in some way. I also just feel like I have A LOT of thoughts that affect me about A LOT of different things a lot of the time. Does this sound like it could be ocd or something else or just anxiety? I know you cant diagnose me but I have been thinking about this piece for a very long time and was wondering what you, as a very knowledgable and experienced professional, would say? Jon Hershfield July 18, 2015 at 8:59 pm - Reply >>>>I have a question about intrusive thoughts. What I keep thinking about these, when I read from others and material, is like a loud voice that just flashes in someones brain. Like if in this text a sentence would be in caps, huge font and bolded and its in red and just flashes out of nowhere. So the way an intrusive thought would just intrude into consciousness like “bam”. And then this leads to a response which is anxiety and then a compulsion (in ocd). —Sounds right to me. >>>>But can it be ocd if a thought was more gradual in nature? Where I had the thought “what if im a lesbian and I didnt realize it?”. It caused worry and fear and then I didnt mainly worry about it for a few weeks (at this point had lots of doubt and feelings I didnt want about my relationship). And then I started thinking what if im a lesbian more and more, “maybe it would explain my relationship doubts”.But i cant guarantee it just intruded into my consciousness like a big flash against my will. —You are compulsively trying to get certainty about whether your obsessive thoughts are obsessive enough to be considered obsessive because you believe knowing for certain that you have OCD would guarantee that you’re not gay. That sounds like OCD to me. >>>>It was like I got more and more anxiety and then the question kept getting bigger and lead to ruminating and analyzing and more doubt. It was like once i thought it I couldnt not not think about it until it did become obsessive. And i am scared to say this but I can’t be sure I have single intrusive thoughts that are just louder then all the rest against my will. Thiz then makes me think maybe the thoughts arent egodystonic? —I wouldn’t bother getting so caught up in the ego-dystonic vs ego-syntonic issue. It;s just one way to help us understand why people find their thoughts upsetting. I can very easily have a thought of running someone off the road if they cut me off in traffic. It doesn’t cause me anxiety, but then it’s also not something I would ever actually do. So it neither makes sense to me nor seems to be coming from an alien place. It is neither syntonic nor dystonic. It is a thought. Trying to know for sure what kind of thought it is would be a compulsion, particular if I thought that figuring this out would somehow inoculate me from my obsessive fears coming true. >>>>As far as overanalyzing or ruminating, thinking about the worst case scenario or seeking reassurance in some way, I dont really remember a time that I didnt do this in some way. I also just feel like I have A LOT of thoughts that affect me about A LOT of different things a lot of the time. Does this sound like it could be ocd or something else or just anxiety? I know you cant diagnose me but I have been thinking about this piece for a very long time and was wondering what you, as a very knowledgable and experienced professional, would say? —I would say you need to get a professional assessment from a clinician and I would start with someone who specializes in OCD. Michelle July 21, 2015 at 7:02 pm - Reply Thank you for replying. I am really struggling right now. I can see how the doubting doesn’t stop. Actually when you said that I am believing that it being ocd would guarantee I am not gay, I started to remember a response you gave to another post and compare mine. I worried that I am not trying to prove to myself “enough” that I am straight (aka by trying to remember interactions with the opposite sex… Which I do sometimes) but I seem to imagine scenarios more to see if I would or do like the idea of being with a woman.This makes me.continue to question that I am doing this because I may actually be gay or bisexual. I have one more question. While I am not diagnosed (if thats even poasible) I am familiar with and relate to being an “adult child of an alcoholic” and the traits the literature describes (addiction is present in my immediate family). Ive been involved in alanon. So it makes me think I just learned not to trust my intentions or thoughts and to doubt myself. So I know you say I am obsessing about if my thoughts are obsessive enough but thats why I get focused on how people realize thwy had ocd from a child. So I keep thibking that for them it means there is truly something malfunctioning in their brain where for myself, I have just learned patterns of thinking and behaving and therefore it may not be ocd? (this could be applied to maybe I am just struggling with accepting my sexual orientation). I am just describing what I am thinking and not claiming to know. Jon Hershfield July 25, 2015 at 2:01 pm - Reply I think your attempts to get certainty through hyper-analysis in this post are still compulsions. Some people have early onset OCD (before age 10) and some people have late onset OD (after 10). It doesn’t mean anything. You are trying to prove you have OCD instead of treating your OCD. Gena April 7, 2016 at 2:17 am - Reply Hi I have a question about gay fantasies. You said in your post that for a second you would consider yourself to be gay for stopping to linger at the picture of Hugh Jackman as wolverine for how attractive he is. But only for that very moment, then for the rest of your time you go on to be what you consider yourself to be, which is a straight male. Therefore making a statement of how heterosexuals can have gay thoughts too, without it being a bearing towards their sexuality. Which leads me to ask this question: when does it leave from being just a fantasy into an indication of you being a homosexual? Is there no limit to what you can fantasize about and shamefully enjoy, which in shame meaning that you don’t desire it? Jon Hershfield April 8, 2016 at 1:55 pm - Reply No idea. Probably for each individual to decide. Best not to try to be certain about it. Elias fisher July 10, 2016 at 11:46 pm - Reply Jon I need you’re help. I am at my wit’s end with this. First off my name is Elias I’m about to turn 18. And I have been suffering from this since October 2015. I always thought I was straight my whole life. And one day I decided to start watching porn at like 10. I know that’s wrong but its what happened. And then I started watching all kinds of porn then I eventuallystarted to watch tranny porn in like 2014. I did not think anything of it. I was crushing on girls at school. Now I have been diagnosed with ocd,add,aspergers and anxeity disorder. The problem is I don’t obsess about cleaning or neatness I have had obsessions here and there with my health. I remember one time early in my sophomore year in highschool a gay kid I was friends with touched my leg and I got wierded out and didn’t like ot. But junior year I had this girl I liked a lot and she played footsiwith me under the table and I think I liked it I got all tingly inside. The problems I am having with this is I am scared to death that am in denial and that I’m just just depressing my sexuality because I get aroused by tranny porn I read all these articles to make me feel better constantly but then it comes back. My mom told me that my uncle who is bipolar thought he was gay too. He also has ocd. She never specified about it. Can you tell me if I’m gay or bi. I just want my anxiety to go away. I want to be straight! Jon Hershfield July 15, 2016 at 8:58 pm - Reply I obviously can’t tell you what your sexual orientation is. I can tell you that people who are addicted to or have an unhealthy attachment to pornography often find themselves needing to push the boundaries of the content of their porn to achieve the same stimulation, so they often end up finding things that are stimulating outside of their historical orientation. This doesn’t say anything in particular about what their orientation or sexual identity actually is. My recommendation is to reduce your porn intake for starters and to focus less of your attention on the subject of sex and sexuality. It is only one thing to attend to among many in life, and hyper-focusing on it will only cause you to be plagued by fears and doubts like these. Given the aspergers diagnosis, it may be helpful for you to think of this in terms of whether your behavior is achieving the results you are looking for and not getting caught up in abstract theories about orientation. Given the OCD diagnosis, you need to stop trying to get certain about things. Who_am_I September 9, 2016 at 1:29 pm - Reply Hi Jon, I feel so lost. I don’t know if I am gay or have HOCD. I am a 31 male and live in Europe. Please forgive my english but it’s not my native language. I’ve had a fear of being gay since I was 15 or 16. The Trigger was a book that we had to read for school about a teenager who slowly figures out he is attracted to a same sex friend. It grossed me out. But I started to think what if this happens to me? And I got freaked out. It troubled me for a couple of weeks but it left me for a quiet some time. It came back in my early 20s. I got hit on by a gay person. Questions like “why did he hit on me?” surface. Since we all know the Story of the (what in my country people call a) “gay radar”, which basically says that gay people recognize each other just by looking, I was really stressed out. My Cousin is gay so I talked to him. He reassured me that this is not science and that a gay man hitting on me had absolutely no meaning. But he said that being gay is in your genes and since we share some DNA I thought there’s a risk I might have it too. My fear grew over the years. New Triggers emerged. I was always nervous around gay people or people who I thought could be gay. After a while good looking men, muscular men made me nervous. I have always had admiration for muscles. I would compare myself to those men, since for me it was a sign of strengh and I wanted to look that way. Or at least thats what I thought at the time. I don’t know anymore. I feel I don’t know who I am anymore. When my best friend from high School called me 1,5years ago to tell me he’s gay it went straight down to hell. I was happy for him but it freaked me out. He told me that from the moment he knew he was gay he’s had no interest in women at all. I started checking myself. Did I still have attraction for women? and often I thought, “Man that girl is so hot and you didn’t even look after her”. This checking wasn’t there all the time. Sometimes I wouldn’t even think about it. I have chased after girls for my entire life. I’ve never even had a gay fantasy. I’ve been masturbating to straight porn a couple of times a day since I was 12. Some might even say I had a porn addiction. I digged busty chicks. I would see boobs and get hard. Once on a Business trip I went for a beer with a colleague. On the way to a bar we got lost so we stopped and he looked at his map. I watched him studying the map and i got really nervous, as if I wanted to kiss him. It felt like an urge, but not a good one. The only thing I could think of is “whats going on? nooooo thats not possible! You cannot be attracted to him. Thats not possible you are not gay!” I couldn’t breathe, I was so afraid of what was going on with me. 5minutes later everything was normal. I don’t know how long I’ve been doing it but for a while now I realized that every time I accidently touched a same sex person even if it was with my elbow I would cringe. I would interupt some movements if I thought they were gay, even when I was alone (for example touching my tablet with my pinky….) It got really bad this summer. Panic attacks.I must add that have been a heavy green smoker for the last 6 years with heavy usage every day (only at night during the week but still very intense). I was lying in bed and couldn’t sleep since I was sober. While watching TV the thought popped up again and wouldn’t leave my brain until I forced myself to imagine myself with other men which grossed me out and calmed me down. I could finally go to sleep.But the fear stayed in the background. 1month ago it hit me while high. I had never felt fear with this intensity. I couldn’t breathe, shivers, sweat. I just wanted it to stop. So I looked at gay porn for like 10sec which was gross to me. It hadn’t even come to actual sex yet. I turned it off was releaved, watched straight porn and went to bed. The fear was put in the back again. It was still there but not very strong and I only thought about it when Triggers came along which wasn’t that often. 1,5 Weeks ago it came back full throttle and hasn’t left since. When it first came back I had to make it stop again so I tried to use porn again. I didn’t want to look at gay porn again fearing I might like it this time. So I watched straight porn and couldn’t get an erection. PANIC! Ok you have to try gay porn again. I didn’t get an erection either. But it felt weird. Some weird feeling in my penis. It’s been one big nightmare since. For most of the time I cannot think about anything else. It makes it almost impossible to work since I can’t focus on anything for more than 5seconds. It felt like every man i saw was on the verge of turning me on and I looked at women and tried to be turned on but I felt nothing. I was checking for penis reaction all the time. I felt it move all the time. I couldn’t sleep for more than 3-4 hours, I couldn’t eat. I noticed that what helped to calm me down in almost every Situation in the past, Smoking some …. actually made my anxiety even worse. So I decided to quit 4 days ago. I didn’t sleep well but a lot better. Last wednesday I went to my barber and felt weird when he looked at me while cutting my hair. I thought dude you felt something, accept it. You are probably gay learn to accept it. You have a date later on, check if she turns you on and move on with your life. So I went on the date. She’s a really cute woman and I have become very horny because of her in the past. I tried to find her attractive but it didn’t work. Instead I was only noticing the men around. “Ok, you’re gay, accept it, move on.” It calmed me down. A lot. I didn’t feel good about it though. I wasn’t relieved. It just calmed me down. But it still didn’t make any sense. I went back to my friend’s house (where I have been sleeping for the last week because I was scared and he’s the only person I talked to about this) thinking well this is it. Oddly enough, on the way there I stopped noticing guys. Since I thought I was gay and thus my fear is gone I smoked again. I freaked out. Went to “sleep” high but woke up 3 hours later with so much anxiety, it was unbearable. Sweats, difficulty to breathe, I had to run up and down in the appartment for like 2 hours. I just thought: “This doesn’t make any sense. How can you be gay? No fantasies, always been chasing girls and been seriously attracted to them, how can you be gay?” Did I force myself to do believe it? I just don’t know anymore. Every experience with Girls, every Feeling, all the times I was madly in love was just an Illusion? I threw the rest of my stash in the toilet. I went to work. It was just horrible. I couldn’t sit still, I had to go outside every hour. (Last week I found a therapist who works with HOCD patients and made an appointment but it’s only in 3 weeks…) I wrote a mail to my therapist who doesn’t know me yet and just told him my whole Story. It calmed me down. I was in a much better mood. And I was pretty sure again I am not gay. I went to bed sobre with just a Little anxiety which was a huge improvement. I woke up in Panic though. I can’t tell you what I dreamt the more I try to remember it the more it fades away, all I know is it involved my gay Cousin. I went to work and started to feel the fear go away again. Men on the street were simply men, I had a Feeling that Girls were becoming more interesting again. Before lunch a colleague smiled at me and I felt weird again. And suddenly men were attractive again. I read alot about hodc in the last week (before that I didn’t even know about it), about facing your fear. So I looked at all the men trying to be unbiased and not to think about it. And I thought they look good, there’s attractive men here. I like looking at them. Ok you are gay. I calmed down. But I still don’t feel good. My brain is telling me that it’s because I have to adjust and I am scared of my family’s reaction (catholic family), but I don’t think thats it. It still doesn’t make any sense to me. And again, after that I didn’t care about men again. I just don’t know anything anymore. Before I stop I just wanted to add that writing about it makes me think I’m not gay, It’s weird. I had the same Feeling yesterday. It’s weird. Who_am_I September 9, 2016 at 1:52 pm - Reply I just wanted to add that since last week I am afraid to have an erection. I am also afraid to look at straight porn because I couldn’t get an erection anymore. Jon Hershfield September 15, 2016 at 12:30 am - Reply Avoidance won;t help the situation. That being said, if you are going to look at pornography, you have to commit to doing so without also trying to assess your orientation or get reassurance. If you can’t, it would be best to take a hiatus and focus on your OCD treatment instead. Jon Hershfield September 15, 2016 at 12:28 am - Reply >>>>Hi Jon, I feel so lost. I don’t know if I am gay or have HOCD. I am a 31 male and live in Europe. Please forgive my english but it’s not my native language. I’ve had a fear of being gay since I was 15 or 16. The Trigger was a book that we had to read for school about a teenager who slowly figures out he is attracted to a same sex friend. It grossed me out. But I started to think what if this happens to me? And I got freaked out. It troubled me for a couple of weeks but it left me for a quiet some time. It came back in my early 20s. I got hit on by a gay person. Questions like “why did he hit on me?” surface. —This is a common story I hear. >>>>Since we all know the Story of the (what in my country people call a) “gay radar”, which basically says that gay people recognize each other just by looking, —-That is ridiculous. >>>>>>I was really stressed out. My Cousin is gay so I talked to him. He reassured me that this is not science and that a gay man hitting on me had absolutely no meaning. But he said that being gay is in your genes and since we share some DNA I thought there’s a risk I might have it too. —-There is a risk you have a lot of things. Mostly you allow yourself to remain uncertain. >>>>>My fear grew over the years. New Triggers emerged. I was always nervous around gay people or people who I thought could be gay. After a while good looking men, muscular men made me nervous. I have always had admiration for muscles. I would compare myself to those men, since for me it was a sign of strengh and I wanted to look that way. Or at least thats what I thought at the time. I don’t know anymore. I feel I don’t know who I am anymore. ——-I have had many clients who express concern about their interest in muscles. >>>>>When my best friend from high School called me 1,5years ago to tell me he’s gay it went straight down to hell. I was happy for him but it freaked me out. He told me that from the moment he knew he was gay he’s had no interest in women at all. I started checking myself. Did I still have attraction for women? and often I thought, “Man that girl is so hot and you didn’t even look after her”. This checking wasn’t there all the time. Sometimes I wouldn’t even think about it. I have chased after girls for my entire life. I’ve never even had a gay fantasy. I’ve been masturbating to straight porn a couple of times a day since I was 12. Some might even say I had a porn addiction. I digged busty chicks. I would see boobs and get hard. —That is significant porn use at an early age. >>>>Once on a Business trip I went for a beer with a colleague. On the way to a bar we got lost so we stopped and he looked at his map. I watched him studying the map and i got really nervous, as if I wanted to kiss him. It felt like an urge, but not a good one. The only thing I could think of is “whats going on? nooooo thats not possible! You cannot be attracted to him. Thats not possible you are not gay!” I couldn’t breathe, I was so afraid of what was going on with me. 5minutes later everything was normal. I don’t know how long I’ve been doing it but for a while now I realized that every time I accidently touched a same sex person even if it was with my elbow I would cringe. I would interupt some movements if I thought they were gay, even when I was alone (for example touching my tablet with my pinky….) —–I can’t diagnose you from a blog comment, but this sounds like OCD to me. You are clearly engaging in compulsions to avoid being contaminated by “gayness”. >>>>>It got really bad this summer. Panic attacks.I must add that have been a heavy green smoker for the last 6 years with heavy usage every day (only at night during the week but still very intense). —-There is reason to believe that heavy marijuana use can cause some significant mental health issues, particularly in young people. It certainly can lead to problems with panic and anxiety that can exacerbate OCD. >>>>>I was lying in bed and couldn’t sleep since I was sober. While watching TV the thought popped up again and wouldn’t leave my brain until I forced myself to imagine myself with other men which grossed me out and calmed me down. I could finally go to sleep.But the fear stayed in the background. 1month ago it hit me while high. I had never felt fear with this intensity. I couldn’t breathe, shivers, sweat. I just wanted it to stop. So I looked at gay porn for like 10sec which was gross to me. It hadn’t even come to actual sex yet. I turned it off was releaved, watched straight porn and went to bed. The fear was put in the back again. It was still there but not very strong and I only thought about it when Triggers came along which wasn’t that often. —-This is a checking.reassurance seeking compulsion guaranteed to result in a worsening of your obsession. >>>>> 1,5 Weeks ago it came back full throttle and hasn’t left since. When it first came back I had to make it stop again so I tried to use porn again. I didn’t want to look at gay porn again fearing I might like it this time. So I watched straight porn and couldn’t get an erection. PANIC! Ok you have to try gay porn again. I didn’t get an erection either. But it felt weird. Some weird feeling in my penis. —-Checking an analyzing your reactions plays into the OCD. >>>>It’s been one big nightmare since. For most of the time I cannot think about anything else. It makes it almost impossible to work since I can’t focus on anything for more than 5seconds. It felt like every man i saw was on the verge of turning me on and I looked at women and tried to be turned on but I felt nothing. I was checking for penis reaction all the time. I felt it move all the time. I couldn’t sleep for more than 3-4 hours, I couldn’t eat. I noticed that what helped to calm me down in almost every Situation in the past, Smoking some …. actually made my anxiety even worse. So I decided to quit 4 days ago. —–Good. >>>>>I didn’t sleep well but a lot better. Last wednesday I went to my barber and felt weird when he looked at me while cutting my hair. I thought dude you felt something, accept it. You are probably gay learn to accept it. You have a date later on, check if she turns you on and move on with your life. —-Checking this way is as effective as checking a stove or a lock. Always makes the obsession worse in the end. >>>>>So I went on the date. She’s a really cute woman and I have become very horny because of her in the past. I tried to find her attractive but it didn’t work. Instead I was only noticing the men around. “Ok, you’re gay, accept it, move on.” It calmed me down. A lot. I didn’t feel good about it though. I wasn’t relieved. It just calmed me down. But it still didn’t make any sense. I went back to my friend’s house (where I have been sleeping for the last week because I was scared and he’s the only person I talked to about this) thinking well this is it. Oddly enough, on the way there I stopped noticing guys. Since I thought I was gay and thus my fear is gone I smoked again. I freaked out. Went to “sleep” high but woke up 3 hours later with so much anxiety, it was unbearable. Sweats, difficulty to breathe, I had to run up and down in the appartment for like 2 hours. —-You have to stop using marijuana as a strategy for addressing your mental health issues. >>>>>I just thought: “This doesn’t make any sense. How can you be gay? No fantasies, always been chasing girls and been seriously attracted to them, how can you be gay?” Did I force myself to do believe it? I just don’t know anymore. Every experience with Girls, every Feeling, all the times I was madly in love was just an Illusion? I threw the rest of my stash in the toilet. I went to work. It was just horrible. I couldn’t sit still, I had to go outside every hour. (Last week I found a therapist who works with HOCD patients and made an appointment but it’s only in 3 weeks…) I wrote a mail to my therapist who doesn’t know me yet and just told him my whole Story. It calmed me down. I was in a much better mood. And I was pretty sure again I am not gay. I went to bed sobre with just a Little anxiety which was a huge improvement. I woke up in Panic though. I can’t tell you what I dreamt the more I try to remember it the more it fades away, all I know is it involved my gay Cousin. I went to work and started to feel the fear go away again. Men on the street were simply men, I had a Feeling that Girls were becoming more interesting again. Before lunch a colleague smiled at me and I felt weird again. And suddenly men were attractive again. I read alot about hodc in the last week (before that I didn’t even know about it), about facing your fear. So I looked at all the men trying to be unbiased and not to think about it. And I thought they look good, there’s attractive men here. I like looking at them. Ok you are gay. I calmed down. But I still don’t feel good. My brain is telling me that it’s because I have to adjust and I am scared of my family’s reaction (catholic family), but I don’t think thats it. It still doesn’t make any sense to me. And again, after that I didn’t care about men again. I just don’t know anything anymore. Before I stop I just wanted to add that writing about it makes me think I’m not gay, It’s weird. I had the same Feeling yesterday. It’s weird. —-This compulsive telling yourself that you’re gay reduces your anxiety because it makes you feel certain. Then the uncertainty comes back and you feel dependent on compulsions again. My recommendation is to treat your OCD with cognitive behavioral therapy and also to stop abusing cannabis. Good that you have found a therapist already. Best of luck in treatment. Leave A Comment Comment... Name (required) Email (required) Website POST COMMENT Jon Hershfield, MFT hershfield-80x90Director of The OCD and Anxiety Center of Greater Baltimore and specialist in the treatment of OCD and related disorders. Learn more about Jon Hershfield Brenda Kijesky, LGMFT Licensed Graduate Marriage and Family Therapist, treating children and adults with OCD and related disorders. Learn more about Brenda Kijesky Molly Schiffer, LGPC Licensed Graduate Professional Counselor, treating children, adolescents, and adults with OCD and related disorders. Learn more about Molly Recent Articles IMG_9926   New Office and New Team Member: OCGB Welcomes Molly Schiffer, LGPC March 27th, 2017 Man solving problem thinking   How to Respond to Unwanted Thoughts July 23rd, 2016|34 Comments officebldg   Introducing Brenda Kijesky, LGMFT May 21st, 2016 Latest News April 7th at the 2017 Anxiety and Depression Association of America Conference in San Francisco, CA "Using Games to Improve ERP Compliance When Treating OCD" by Jon Hershfield and Shala Nicely July 7th at the International OCD Foundation's 24th Annual OCD Conference in San Francisco, CA "ERP Games for Living Joyfully with OCD" with Jon Hershfield and Shala Nicely July 8th at the International OCD Foundation's 24th Annual OCD Conference in San Francisco, CA "The Use of Technology in OCD Treatment" with Elizabeth McIngvale, Monnica Williams, Katrina Rufino, and Jon Hershfield July 9th at the International OCD Foundation's 24th Annual OCD Conference in San Francisco, CA "My OCD Says I’m a Bad Person: Tackling Moral Scrupulosity" with Jon Hershfield and Patrick McGrath THE LATEST FROM FACEBOOK The OCD and Anxiety Center of Greater BaltimoreThe OCD and Anxiety Center of Greater Baltimorewww.ocdbaltimore.com/ocgb-welcomes-molly/ New clinician at The OCD and Anxiety Center of Greater Baltimore and more! 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