#— ❛ ᶦ ʷᵃᵗᶜʰᵉᵈ ᵗʰᵉ ˢᵘᵐᵐᵉʳ ʰᵉᵃᵗ ᵗᵘʳᶰ ᶦᵗ ᵃᶫᶫ ᵗᵒ ᶠᶫᵃᵐᵉˢ⋅ ┊ HEADCANON.

[braverydefined-blog]

where do you see john's life going if he had not died when he did? or do you think it was an "act of fate"/inevitable?

RANDOM CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT QUESTIONS  /  ALWAYS ACCEPTING !!

this is honestly one of my favorite things to talk about !!!   it’s 1am so sorry if this gets a bit rambly but here it goes !!   (  trigger warnings for suicide ,   depression ,   and alcoholism.  )

the thing to remember is that john never PLANNED to survive the war ,   so he doesn’t have a backup plan for survival.   so in verses where john survives ,   he’s basically entirely aimless.   he doesn’t see any kind of future for himself     –––––     the only things he really could do are law   (  since his father forced him to go to law school ,   instead of studying medicine as john wished to do     –––––     if he had been allowed to study medicine ,   i can see john using those skills and being less purposeless after the war ,   but alas  )   or politics   (  which is ,   honestly ,   something he’d 100% rather die than do     –––––     he didn’t have the stomach for law ,   he certainly couldn’t stand being a politician  ).   he hates both of those options so much.

the good news is that he’s rich ,   still ,   so he wouldn’t necessarily HAVE to work.   the bad news is that he gets RESTLESS real fast.   this purposelessness isn’t good for him     –––––     it quickly makes his depression a thousand times worse ,   combined with the fact that he wishes he had died during the war   &   the fact that the one reason he would stay alive is alexander and alexander is now occupied between law  /  politics  /  eliza  /  his children.   john would hate to feel like he’s intruding on what alexander   &   eliza have or somehow fucking up their relationship ,   so he’d distance himself from alexander ,   which only serves to make everything worse   (  note how during the war ,   the two main times he was separated from alexander at length     –––––     when he was a prisoner of war in pennsylvania   &   the months leading to his death at combahee     –––––     were the times when his mental health was at its lowest.   letters exist from alexander to john while john was a prisoner of war basically begging john not to commit suicide.   it isn’t pretty.  ) 

so we have john ,   restless and depressed and probably suicidal ,   who has no idea what he’s doing with his life.   i doubt he would stay in south carolina   (  returning there was a suicidal action in itself   ;   his home state doesn’t have very many good memories in it ,   but it was a last resort at dying.   once the possibility of death is over ,   he’d leave.  )   the ONE THING that gives him direction in life at this point is working towards his abolitionist efforts ,   so he’d move to wherever the government is based at the time ,   be it nyc or philadelphia or dc bc i genuinely can’t remember the timeline of when it was where.   so he moves to the government ,   keeps petitioning congress about freeing slaves     –––––     but if he thought it was hard during the war ,   it seems downright impossible now ,   and he finds that no one is willing to listen to his ideas.   he’s branded an idealist and ignored.   this just makes him spiral deeper into depression   &   seclude himself further.   in addition ,   he struggles with ptsd from the war   (  he’d already had it from his brother’s death ,   but the war only makes it worse  ).   he has frequent nightmares ,   occasional flashbacks ,   and is emotionally numb most of the time.   he tends to rely more heavily on alcohol to help him ,   and becomes borderline an alcoholic   (  i hesitate to label him as that simply because i don’t know enough about it ,   and i don’t think he entirely depends on alcohol enough to truly call him an alcoholic ,   but he’s very close  )   and hardly sleeps ,   which certainly creates a vicious cycle and doesn’t help his mental health at all.

to go on a bit of a tangent ,   let’s talk about him and ALEXANDER post  -  war.   like i said earlier ,   john would distance himself a lot from alex ,   believing it’s for alex’s own good.   there’s a certain leniency for soldiers taking solace in each other   ;   during the war ,   if they were seen being more affectionate than the standard ,   it would be mostly ignored ,   and john was comforted by that fact in the midst of his fear about someone finding out.   (  this is the one thing he refuses to be reckless about     –––––     his legacy ,   his chance at glory after death.  )   but once the war has ENDED ,   there’s no longer that tendency to look away from those behaviors ,   and with alex’s blossoming political career and alex’s wife ,   john can’t risk that.   he stays away as much as he can   (  and what happens then is sorta dependent on what alex i’m writing with   ;   i have a verse with @bankhoe where they continue to be together in secret and make this little hidden life with each other ,   but the rest of what’s been stated remains   &   john is never quite satisfied with having to keep their love hidden like that and still dies in the way that’ll be discussed below.  )  

there’s also the matter of john’s DAUGHTER to consider.   frances - eleanor was six years old at the time of the war’s end ,   and living with john’s sister after john’s wife ,    martha ,   passed away a few months before john would have died in an ordinary verse.   if john doesn’t die ,   he’ll be expected to bring frances over from england to live with him.   john never met frances ,   had already left for america by the time she was born ,   and despite being slightly older than he was then ,   he’s still TERRIFIED at the thought of being a father.   he considers taking care of frances his duty now that martha’s gone ,   but he carries tremendous guilt for frances’ existence and for wronging martha like that ,   and it shows in his interactions with her     –––––     he becomes like his own father   (  the thing he feared the most  ) ,   emotionally distant from her throughout their time together.   it certainly doesn’t help that the entire time he’ll know frances is also his low point re : depression   ;   he can’t seem to form any attachment ,   despite the logical knowledge that this is his child.   he gives her the best life he can ,   gets her the best education possible ,   but in terms of emotions he ends up being a pretty shitty father in this verse.   (  in addition to being essentially a stay at home dad ,   john would likely be pressured ,   especially by his father ,   to remarry eventually ,   and he doesn’t want to put someone else through what he put martha through.  )

now for the topic we’ve all been waiting for :   DEATH.   john picks up some pretty bad habits in a post  -  war au.   he already has a tendency to get into fights   ;   in this verse ,   those tendencies reach suicidal heights ,   going out at least several times a week to bars or taverns just to pick fights with drunks in the hopes that one of them will go too far and kill him.   it’s an unspoken wish ,   but it’s there nonetheless ,   and not entirely subconscious.   he also gets into the habit of duels ,   will do stupid things just to get challenged or to have the chance to challenge someone.   normally i figure about three years pass after the war until he dies     –––––     he’s challenged to a duel by someone ,   and who it is doesn’t matter so much as the fact that john thinks the guy may actually shoot him   &   john wants that ,   so john goes and aims his pistol at the sky ,   hamilton - style ,   and is shot and killed pretty quickly.   

during the war ,   half of his suicidalness was in a desperate bid for GLORY ,   always obsessed with concepts of honor   &   legacy.   after the war ,   a duel is the closest he can get to that ,   and it still isn’t a satisfying end     –––––     he regrets pretty much daily that he didn’t manage to die during the war ,   but without another war to join a duel is the closest he’s going to get.   he leaves two letters behind before leaving for the duel ,   one for frances   (  a fairly typical one ,   apologizing for his actions ,   bidding her goodbye ,   saying he’ll see her on the other side when it’s her time ,   but carrying a too  -  formal and detached tone throughout it.  )   and one for alexander.   the letter for alexander is much more emotional     –––––     it’s an apology both for the duel itself and for pushing him away ,   and a declaration of how much john has continued to love alexander ,   and a plea for alexander to not be too upset at john’s death.   he begs alexander not to be angry with him for his choice.

OPTION B :   so now that john’s dead ,   let’s talk about the one option for post  -  war au to NOT be a total depressing mess !!   and that option ,   dear friends ,   is polyamory.   hear me out.   there’s a lot of reasons john’s depression is so bad post  -  war ,   but a good deal of it is him distancing himself from everyone.   particularly alexander ,   but the fact is that without alex ,   john’s friend base is considerably lessened ,   given that he was never quite as close to mulligan   &   lafayette has returned to france.   john is ridiculously dependent on alexander in terms of his mental health ,   to a frankly unhealthy degree   ;   john buys into ideas that he could be fixed or saved by love.   

here’s where poly comes in  :   if john doesn’t have to lose alexander and doesn’t have to keep their love a complete secret or feel like he’s harming alexander by loving him ,   he’s significantly less unsatisfied.   he’s still restless ,   still not quite content ,   still feels like he should have died during the war ,   but he’s not actively trying to get himself killed.   this could happen as john ,   eliza ,   and alex having a full poly triad or just v - shaped poly with both dating alex.   john is a jealous person ,   and it would take him a bit to warm up to the idea ,   but i do see the possibility for it to happen     –––––     and this also opens the possibility for his relationship with his daughter to be healthier ,   as he wouldn’t be entirely on his own raising her ,   and with slightly less depression weighing him down could actually form a healthy relationship and raise her correctly.   having some help to raise her instead of being alone would make him a bit less afraid of being a father ,   too ,   which is important     –––––     he’s constantly worried he’ll mess something up ,   and having alex and eliza around to help would be a huge assistance.   

of course ,   i’m not saying love makes his depression go away   ;   he still struggles with it frequently ,   even more than he did during the war ,   but he doesn’t have to resort to such unhealthy coping mechanisms ,   and has people to remind him that he matters.   in this version of the au ,   i can picture him living an almost content   &   fairly domestic life with alexander and eliza ,   helping raise their kids and frances ,   and dying later in life.   there’s a chance he still goes out in the way mentioned above ,   but i see it as more likely that he’d die of illness or some kind of accidental death ,   since with so many more people depending on him he would at least make an effort not to be actively suicidal.   

all in all ,   i see it as way more likely that the first option would happen.   i’d like to think that john would continue fighting for his beliefs with the same passion he carried during the war   &   possibly get some things changed on the front of civil rights earlier than what happened historically ,   but realistically ,   between the political climate of the time and john’s own depression and suicidal tendencies ,   he probably ends up just as overlooked as he ended up in a verse where he died at combahee.   what you said about his death being an act of fate is sort of correct     –––––     no matter what ,   he’s destined to die ,   and fated to become just a footnote in a history book ,   unfortunately. 

[braverydefined-blog]

DEEP DARK FEARS. let’s talk about character fears. bold your muse’s fears, italicize their discomforts. happy character development !

the dark ,  fire ,  open water ,  deep water ,  being alone ,  crowded spaces ,  confined spaces , change ,  failure ,  war ,  loss of control ,  powerlessness ,  prison ,   blood ,  drowning ,   suffocation,  public speaking ,  natural or wild animals ,  the supernatural ,  heights ,  death ,  dying ,  intimacy ,  rejection ,  abandonment ,  loss ,  the unknown

TAGGED BY :    @patriotread <333 TAGGING :    @vasilyevna @bringfreedom @talksless @eaglehoe @ anyone else who wants to !!

[braverydefined-blog]

WHAT ARE YOUR MUSES AESTHETICS  ? BOLD    any which apply to your muse !   remember to repost !   feel free to add to the list ! TAGGED BY:    @vasilyevna !! TAGGING:    @bankhoe @bringfreedom @patriotread @calledimmoral @overlookedshot @tillimfree <3

COLORS    /    red. brown. orange. yellow. green. blue. purple. pink. black. white. teal. silver. gold. grey. lilac. metallic. matte. royal blue. strawberry red. charcoal grey. forest green. apple red. navy blue. crimson. cream. mint green. baby blue. blood red. olive green.

ELEMENTS    /    fire. ice. water. air. earth. rain. snow. wind. moon. stars. sun. heat. cold. steam. frost. lightning. sunlight. moonlight. dawn. dusk. twilight. midnight. sunrise. sunset. dewdrops.

BODY    /    claws. long fingers. fangs. teeth. wings. tails. lips. bare feet. freckles. bruises. canine. scars. scratches. wounds. burns. spikes. hair. feathers. webs. eyes. hands. sweat. tears. feline. chubby. curvy. short. tall. normal height. muscular. piercing. tattoos.

WEAPONS    /    fists. sword. dagger. spear. arrow. hammer. shield. poison. guns. axes. throwing axes. whips. knives. throwing knives. pepper sprays. tasers. machine guns. slingshots. katanas. maces. staffs. wands. powers. magical items. magic. rocks. mud balls. bullets.

MATERIALS    /   gold. silver. platinum. titanium. diamonds. pearls. rubies. sapphires. emeralds. amethyst. metal. iron. rust. steel. glass. wood. porcelain. paper. wool. fur. lace. leather. silk. velvet.denim. linen. cotton. charcoal. clay. stone. asphalt. brick. marble. dust. glitter. blood. dirt. mud. smoke. ash. shadow. carbonate. rubber. synthetics.

NATURE    /    grass. leaves. trees. bark. roses. daisies. tulips. lavender. petals. thorns. seeds. hay. sand. rocks. roots. flowers. ocean. river. meadow. forest. desert. tundra. savanna. rainforest. caves. underwater. coral reef. beach. waves. space. clouds. mountains.

ANIMALS    /    lions. wolves. eagles. owls. falcons. hawks. swans. snakes. turtles. ducks. bugs. spiders. birds. whales. dolphins. fish. sharks. horses. cats. dogs. bunnies. praying mantises. crows. ravens. mice. lizards. werewolves. unicorns. pegasus. dragons. rats. otters.

FOODS/DRINKS    /    sugar. salt. candy. bubblegum. wine. champagne. hard liquor. beer. coffee. tea. spices. herbs. apple. orange. lemon. cherry. strawberry. watermelon. vegetables. fruits. meat. fish. pies. desserts. chocolate. cream. caramel. berries. nuts. cinnamon. burgers. burritos. pizza. ambrosia.

HOBBIES   /    music. art. watercolors. gardening. smithing. sculpting. painting. sketching. fighting. writing. composing. cooking. sewing. knitting. training. dancing. acting. singing. martial arts. self-defense. electronics. technology. cameras. video cameras. video games. computer. phone. movies. theater. libraries. books. magazines. cds. records. vinyls. cassettes. piano. violin. guitar. electronic guitar. bass guitar. harmonica. harp. woodwinds. brass. bells. playing cards. poker chips. chess. dice. motorcycle riding. eating. climbing. running. croquet. ballet.

STYLE    /   lingerie. armor. cape. dress. tunic. vest. shirt. boots. heels. leggings. trousers. jeans. skirt. jewelry. earrings. necklace. bracelet. ring. pendant. hat. crown. circlet. helmet. scarf. brocade. cloaks. corsets. doublet. chest plate. gorget. bracers. belt. sash. coat. jacket. hood. gloves. socks. masks. cowls. braces. watches. glasses. sun glasses. visor. eye contacts. makeup. shawl.

MISC    /    balloons. bubbles. cityscape. light. dark. candles. explosions. sparklers. war. peace. money. power. percussion. clocks. photos. mirrors. bottles. pets. diary. fairy lights. madness. sanity. sadness. happiness. optimism. pessimism. loneliness. family. friends. assistants. co-workers. enemies. loyalty. smoking. drugs. kindness. love. hugs.