#šašlyk

[unhonestlymirror]

Rating food of the countries I've been to, from West to East:

Disclaimer: it's veeery subjective

***

Spain🇪🇸 : 7/10. It's okay. I expected their fish and seafood to be better, tho. A LOT of relatively cheap fresh juices, 10/10 for health. They also make surprisingly amazing pasta and surprisingly average paella.

France🇫🇷: 9/10. Never visited cafes or restaurants there, but Carrefour has an incredible variety of good meat. I love their pineapple pie, too. There are a lot of products for vegetarians, Muslims, and, in general, different people who have different eating styles. There's a lot to see. And omg, their bazaar days are something worth attending: I still regret that I never tried clams with white wine.

UK🇬🇧 : 6/10. Not impressed. Something tells me that they deliberately make fish-n-chips that terrible. But I absolutely loved the strawberries under hot chocolate, which was sold by two cheerful Polish girls near Madam Tussaud museum.

Switzerland 🇨🇭: 6/10. Migros has nice buns with spinach and those Japanese "sandwiches", overall, your whole salary is gonna be spent on food. (Lithuania core lol😭) McDonald's there SUCKS.

Norway🇳🇴: 4/10. I expected a lot for some reason. Prices gonna cause you a heart attack, the quality is gonna give you a second heart attack. Also!!! THERE WAS NO FISH IN THE SHOPS EXCEPT THE CANNED!!! I was deeply injured. Norwegian salmon is super popular in Ukraine, how can they not have any normal fish in the big supermarkets...

Germany🇩🇪: 1/10. I may be just unlucky, but every time I visit Germany and pick a random cafe with lots of people(!), it has the worst food I've ever tasted in my life. It's like that scene from Desperate Housewives: "Really? A woman who orders Chinese food for Christmas dinner cooked a pineapple pie?" I understand now why Ukrainian women often marry Germans. My heart bleeds when I see what exactly you eat. I want to cover you with a blanket and cook you a normal soup.

Czech Republic 🇨🇿: 7/10. The soup was nice, ставлю вподобайку👍

Poland🇵🇱 : 8/10. Soup in bread, my beloved. Doughnuts were some kind of overcooked in oil, tho.

Montenegro🇲🇪: 10/10. I love you. I love your salads, your seafood, and I LOVE YOUR LEMON ICECREAM!!!!!

Slovakia🇸🇰: 7/10. I don't really remember what I ate, I am sorry. But I was really impressed with your supermarkets for some reason. Gotta visit it again.

Hungary🇭🇺: 6/10. It was my first time I've ever tried street food, and I liked it. You guys know how to cook meat.

Greece🇬🇷: 7/10. One day, I'll find the guy who can cook Karavidopsiha and beg them to cook it once again. Nice fish!!! I remember your arbutus honey as old women remember their best lovers. But. One time, a man served my family with unpeeled shrimps in batter. :/ What the hell was that? Is that some kind of a national dish I'm not aware of? Minus three points for such bullying.

Cyprus 🇨🇾: 7/10. I shouldn't be obsessed with your carob tree pastille that much.

Lithuania🇱🇹: 10/10. I love you. Although, I'd love to spend less money on food too. I love your Maxima and Rimi and Iki. I love your cafes. I love your bakery, I love your cocktails, I looooooove your soups, and I love your Asian food too. It's very easy to become an alcoholic with such delicious wines and tinctures.

Latvia🇱🇻: 11/10. Oh my god. Oh my god. I'm on my knees. Your cream chanterelle soup and Lidl croissants and marinated onion and šašlyk and fish and dairy products🛐🛐🛐. You guys know how to serve. I've never seen such pretty food designs anywhere. And of course, Lido. It brings me in tears of joy and makes me remember Puzata Hata. No, for real, is there any dish you don't know how to cook?

Finland🇫🇮: 7/10. That's okay. Nice street food.

Belarus ⚪️🔴⚪️: 9/10. Oh my dear Belarus, you're gonna be the best chef in Europe once you're free from russia. I wish I ate more machanka and drank your pine tincture when I had the chance. I love your chicory, it's a bit greyish, but it's much more delicious than an average chicory. Delicious meat in the shops. Other food is soviet-like, which makes me nauseous.

Ukraine 🇺🇦: ♾️/10. Вітчизно моя! Ти як здоров'я, наскільки ти цінна, тільки той знає, хто тебе втратив. I don't know if my favourite shops still work. I loved every single cafe I've been to, yes, even that shitty prorussian Mafia and Eurasia. I loved Puzata Hata. I loved Khlibna Kava, and its amazing cherry cupcakes. I loved Moloko Vid Fermera. I loved little kiosks with fresh Makadamia nuts and huge variety of vegetables and fruits. I loved Flagman and Silpo, Lvivśki croissants, and chocolate shops. I loved my seafood store. I loved giant frappes in Shevchenko Park. I loved my Continent with its old classical French background songs. I love my Japanese food stores. There are so many places I love. I used to find my bazaar so ugly and dirty, but I would give everything to buy the sea ​​buckthorn jam from the cheerful old lady. But it's not gonna happen. My bazaar was shelled by russians to the ground.

Turkey🇹🇷: 9/10. Your Katmer, seafood soup and baked shrimps(?) are something 🛐.

Jordan🇯🇴: 7/10. Nice! You cook paella better than Spain, be proud of yourself. Although, I'd love to not be scared for my life as a woman all the time. Your bazaar seemed very interesting, but unfortunately, I don't speak Arabic. And I am a woman, which also sucks, I guess. I was totally covered in black, except for the face and hair, and people still stared at me like on a zoo exponate. McDonald's kinda sucks too, but not as much as in Switzerland.

Egypt🇪🇬: 7/10. It's okay. I've tasted only hotel food.

Sakartvelo🇬🇪 : 10/10. Our guide forgot about our existence, and we had to find any source of food to not die from hunger, so we went to your local bazaar and asked to fry some cheap fish. It had lots of bones, and I hate fish with bones, but I ate it all, and it tasted amazing.

Saudi Arabia 🇸🇦: 6/10. Most of the week, I just cooked some simple spiceless products like pasta and eggs from the small store. You are far from the level of grocery stores in Turkey. Although, your cold orange juice bottle saved my life from dying in the middle of the desert.

Qazaqstan 🇰🇿: 7/10. I don't really remember your supermarkets, I guess they were okay. But your bazaars are definitely something worth attending. Millions of varieties of honey with millions of tastes and very salty hard cheese Kurt.

[nebopeklosamuraj]

Máj, šašlyky, stužtičky, fontány

Za nami je zase jeden týždeň pekla. V našom menu: „Progres“ víťazoslávne padá na Zahnívajúci Západ ™, opitý policajt sa hrá autobowling so živými ľuďmi, zovšadiaľ vyrastá svätojurajská stužka a dusí zostatky zdravého rozumu v tejto zabudnutej B-hom strane. A veľa, veľa iného.

Určite už tiež cítite ten sladkastý zápach pripečenej mŕtvoly. To váš sused pečie šašlyk – na balkóne, na dvore, v garáži a možnože aj v svojom byte. Veď svätý týždeň šašlyku je v plnom prúde – Rusi obetavo putujú na chaty, okupujú všemožné priestranstvá na to, aby sa nažrali a upiekli si mäso na palici. Je to ako týždňová alkosiesta – život sa zastavuje, nikto nepracuje, nikto sa nehýbe, ak nerátame od uhla sčernalé kúsky mäsa, krútiacich sa okolo svojej osi. Veď si len predstavte: tisíce, dokonca milióny ľudí, ktorí rovnako sedia pri griloch a krútia špízihly, pomaly a zamyslene. Je to krajina, v ktorej zvíťazil zen buddhizmus. 

So začiatkom mája všetky ruské mestá zaplienili svätojurajské stužky. Možnože je to tiež nejako spojené so šašlykom. Tak či onak, sú všade – na autoanténach, na náhrobkoch, dokonca aj na plážových šľapkách. Donedávna sa v jednom obchode takéto šľapky kúpiť dali. Ale už sa nedajú. A škoda. Prečo by nohy nemohli byť ozdobené patriotickou symbolikou? Čím sú horšie než poslanec Milonov alebo spätné zrkadlá nejakého rozheganého žiguláka?

(autor: batenka.ru)

Svätojurajskými stužkami sú ozdobení aj členovia motorkárskeho klubu „Noční vlci“. Nedávno sa títo milovníci kože a latexu rozhodli osláviť Deň víťazstva cestou po Európe (ako je známe, tam je najviac veteránov vojny, ktorým treba pogratulovať). No hnusní poľskí pohraničníci bajkerom nedovolili navštíviť miestnych veteránov. Prezreli kozmetické tašky motorkárov, nič nepochopili a vrátili ich nazad. Oslavovať Veľké víťazstvo v Rusku nie je, samozrejme, až taká zábava, no aj tam sa dá nájsť všeličo zaujímavé. Veď nenadarmo sa na tohtoročných oslavách minulo hádajte koľko?* A koľko z týchto halierov išlo na bývanie veteránov a iné správne veci? Správne. Takže tak! Takže takto oslavujeme! No hlavným darčekom pre Rusov k sedemdesiatemu výročiu Víťazstva bude vesmírna loď “Progres”. 9. mája konečne spadne na územie USA alebo Európy. Darmo sa všetci smiali ruskému “Progresu” – teraz je jasné, že v tomto príbehu je všetko poriadne vypočítané.  

Nie je veľmi jasné, aký bol výpočet opitého policajta z Anapy, keď sa posadil za volant. No 2. mája zrazil 6 ľudí, dvaja z nich zahynuli. Tu sa vlastne ani nie je čomu smiať. Ruská polícia, nič prekvapivé. Proste bowling.

Ak vám z tohto všetkého je zle a už sa vám nechce žiť, dávajte si pozor na voľbu spôsobu Roskomnadzoru. Ak sa, napríklad, rozhodnete umoriť seba hladom, v Baškirsku vás za to ešte môžu aj pokutovať pred smrťou. Miestni poslanci navrhli trest za vyhlásenie hladovky. Takže, buďte takí dobrí a vyberajte si tradičné spôsoby.

A ak už predsa len nie, choďte pozrieť do múzea hovna, rozptýľte sa. V talianskej dedine Castelbosco otvoril miestny farmár príslušnú kultúrnu ustanovizeň. Krásne sviatky, drahí naši, jedzte šašlyk, majte radi ľudí, hurá!

(* 7 miliárd rubľov – 120 miliónov EUR) P.S. Mimochodom, nikto nevie, ako sa tí milovníci kože a latexu Noční vlci vlastne do EÚ dostali, niektorí cez Litvu, niektorí cez Fínsko a cez poľskú hranicu? V každom prípade v Bratislave krásne divadielko, ňuňuňu.

(zdroj: pravda.sk) Podľa očitého svedka sa skupina priaznivcov svätojurajských stužiek zastavila v bližšie nemenovanom bare pri Prezidentskom paláci a na pretras prišli všetky obľúbené témy (romáci, slovanstvo atď. atď.). Jednou priaznivkyňou to otriaslo až tak, že ovracala fontánou celý podnik a zavolali sanitku. Ale tu sa náš príbeh končí a rozuzlenie sa už nikdy nedozvieme.

Fontána, dúha, chlieb a soľ a slovanská vzájomnosť!!!

(nielen chlebom a soľou na veľvyslanectve RF, zdroj: nightwolves-ru.livejournal.com/) Adaptovaný preklad podľa http://batenka.ru/2015/05/03/may/ a doplnené podľa skutočných udalostí - trú story it is.