#» | × | Valentin&Julien || Of All The Things My Hands Have Held You Are The Best ||

[nvrcmplt]

[cancatervation]

favourite music 2017

The affording of enormous weight to barely concealed fragility and vulnerability; when I pore over the contents of my iTunes from the last twelve or so months it’s plainly apparent that this is the hill I’ve elected to die on. Almost all the albums I found myself infatuated with at some point or another in 2017 meditated upon desire, the transience of romance, and the anguish that often accompanies its pursuit.

I’m acutely aware of how oddly this contrasts with my own life, which for the past almost-two-years has been romantically fulfilling in the way that my previous 25 absolutely weren’t. On this, I would say two things. First, that stability is elusive even (maybe especially?) for the most outwardly rose-coloured of us, and that maintaining relationship hygge takes compromise and is not easy, and for those reasons feelings of vulnerability are never far from the front of my mind; and, second, that it’s testament to the skill of certain songwriters and performers that their work was able to make this gay-ass conventionalist really feel something every now and again last year.

I wouldn’t want to suggest that I only just worked out that the theatrical presentation of desire is something I’m drawn to, but certainly there were some things in the past year that I really did begin to understand. Theatricality is often used in a critical sense as pejorative; something that is too extra, that goes too far, that is all tell and no show. Despite its predisposition towards excess, musical theatre has, for instance, always played out as sterile and spurious to me. (Sorry. And look at it this way, you don’t ever need to worry about getting me tickets to Hamilton). It’s so dramatic that it becomes too dramatic; your self-awareness isn’t allowed the chance to be suspended, even for a moment. An album like Lorde’s Melodrama makes its intentions apparent before you’ve even heard a note of it, but its theatrics (and there are many - think of the wailed chorus of “Writer In The Dark”, the gory car crash of “Homemade Dynamite”, the bridge in “Supercut” that accelerates like you’re on a bike rushing down a hill) are as easily consumed by sitting silently in tears as they are dancing, or walking, or lifting heavy weights, or running up a hill (to make or not to make a deal with God), or lying in blissful supta baddha konasana. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that hyperemotional vulnerability is for all seasons and for all hours of the day and I am now happy to welcome it into every aspect of my life.

I wrote over fifty blurbs for various songs on the Singles Jukebox last year. Some I loved, some I hated, what’s new. I wrote a blurb for “Praying”, Kesha’s first solo single in nearly five years, which turned out to be both the highest scoring song on the site for 2017 and the champion of my personal “list”. I sort of said all this already on the Jukebox, but my love for “Praying” lies nearly entirely in the way Kesha leans so heavily into her aphorisms, finding new ways to bring profundity to ostensibly simple lines like “I’m proud of who I am”. (Contrast this with most of Taylor Swift’s 2017 work, which forewent specific detail in favour of portentously loaded maxim, but forgot about nuance and came up mostly dry). When Kesha punctuates her sermon with a thunderous kick drum, it’s basically game over. As the stories of survivors of sexual assault, abuse and harassment began to dominate news media in the second half of the year, the song only gathered further resonance.  

Lorde’s album held court as my favourite for most of the year. A promo image released by Kelela at the beginning of August threatened a coup. The odds shortened a few days later upon the release of its lead single and the arrival of the full album at the beginning of October marked the tangible takeover. Take Me Apart is all juxtaposition, which when applied to albums is often code for jumbled quagmire, but here there’s too much attention to detail, steadfastness of narrative, and, er, feeling, to get mixed up in anything like that. It see-saws between playful flirting, introspection, self-acceptance, control, loss of control, falling slowly through the sky, and falling fast through the abyss. I love it so much. It’s also very queer and very Black. Support Black queer art! Especially when it’s this well crafted.

Aside from all THAT, my favourite things in music last year were Moses Sumney’s Tiny Desk Concert, attending the Lorde show in the Botanic Gardens,  the line “every single day I fight another war; every single night I feel more powerful!” in Rina Sawayama’s “Take Me As I Am”, and Rihanna telling Diplo his music sounded like a “a reggae song at an airport”.

My ten favourite songs of 2017 were:

1. Kesha “Praying” - as above and here;

2. Lorde “Green Light” - see here. The score given, however, is wrong. Add another point.

3. Sigrid “Strangers” - see here. I can’t wait until she’s everywhere and everyone knows her; her potential to me scans as “unlimited / infinite / fucking enormous, if it must be quantifiable”.

4. MUNA “I Know a Place”. The album version is acceptable but I’m also partial to this live one, which involves some changes to the lyrics.

5. Tove Lo “Disco Tits”. Like a wonky, filthy Kylie B-side played underwater.

6. Kelela “Turn To Dust”. Refer also to the first set of songs below. She didn’t play this at her concert this week, which is lucky, because otherwise its title may have proved prophetic.

7. Nilüfer Yanya “Baby Luv” - see here. See also dirgey diatribe above re: vulnerability.

8. Rae Morris “Do It” - I’ve become more and more besotted with this as time has passed and am not sure whether I’m most impressed by a) the wordplay b) the ping-ponging percussion in the second verse c) the subtle yet giant switch-up halfway through d) the soaring vocals or e) managing all of the above in less than 3 and a half minutes.

9. Rina Sawayama “Alterlife” - it did not take me long to request for lamination of a stan card for a popstar who loves key changes and here deftly incorporates influences as diverse as the Need For Speed soundtrack, Samantha Mumba and Madonna at her glassiest.

10. Tove Styrke “Mistakes” - see here. I’m ready for her to run away with 2018, in or out of a wedding dress.

Aside from those, here are some other songs I enjoyed in 2017, variously categorised and (with the “top 10″) collected in a Spotify playlist, located here:

Songs that can make you feel like you’re floating slowly heavenward

Björk “Arisen My Senses”

Charli XCX “Track 10”

Julie Byrne “Natural Blue”

Julien Baker “Appointments”

Moses Sumney “Quarrel”

Rae Morris “Do It (Nico Muhly Dance Remix)”

Sampha “(No One Knows Me) Like The Piano”

Sevdaliza “Loves Way”

Slowdive “Slomo”

St. Vincent “Slow Disco”

Susanne Sundfør “Undercover”

Dance music that I barely pay any attention to throughout the calendar year and then become unusually enthusiastic about come end-of-year-list season

Bicep “Vale”

Gerd Janson x Shan "Surrender”

Honey Dijon “Catch The Beat”

Jad & The “Strings That Never Win”

Kink “Perth”

Minor Science “Volumes”

Octo Octa “Adrift (Avalon Emerson’s Furiously Awake Version)”

Shanti Celeste “Make Time”

SW. “Untitled B2”

The xx “On Hold (Jamie xx Remix)”

Yaeji “Raingurl”

Songs for the summer gloaming

Charlotte Day Wilson “Doubt”

Daniel Caesar “Blessed”

Frank Ocean “Chanel”

Jessie Ware “Stay Awake, Wait For Me”

Ladi6 “Guru”

Rachel Foxx “Happen To Me”

Sampa The Great “Bye River”

Sevyn Streeter “Before I Do”

Syd “Body”

Tyler, The Creator “Garden Shed feat. Estelle”

Plaintive songs for grey afternoon walks

Alvvays “Dreams Tonite”

Amandla Stenberg “Let My Baby Stay”

HAIM “You Never Knew”

Kehlani “Advice”

Khalid “Winter”

Lana Del Rey “Love”

Laura Marling “Next Time”

Paramore “Forgiveness”

Perfume Genius “Die 4 You”

St. Vincent “Happy Birthday, Johnny”

SZA “Prom”

Taylor Swift “New Year’s Day”

Best bangers

Amber Mark “Heatwave”

Charli XCX “Lipgloss feat. Cupcakke”

Charli XCX “Porsche feat. MØ”

Charlotte Gainsbourg “Deadly Valentine”

Charly Bliss “Glitter”

Drake “Get It Together feat. Jorja Smith & Black Coffee”

Dua Lipa “New Rules”

Haiku Hands “Not About You”

Ibibio Sound Machine “Give Me A Reason”

ionnalee “Samaritan”

J. Balvin x Willy William “Mi Gente feat. Beyoncé”

J. Hus “Did You See”

Jessie Ware “Your Domino”

Jorja Smith x Preditah “On My Mind”

Kah-Lo “Fasta”

Kelela “Truth Or Dare”

Kendrick Lamar “LOYALTY. feat. Rihanna”

Kllo “Last Yearn”

Leikeli47 “Miss Me”

Lorde “Sober”

Maliibu Miitch “4AM”

Miguel “Banana Clip”

Nite Jewel “2 Good 2 Be True”

Paramore “Hard Times”

Phoenix “J-Boy”

Rina Sawayama “Take Me As I Am”

Ronika “Better Than Ever”

Rose Elinor Dougall “All At Once”

Sigrid “Don’t Kill My Vibe”

Stormzy “Big For Your Boots”

The Horrors “Something To Remember Me By”

Tove Lo “Shedontknowbutsheknows”

Whethan “love gang feat. Charli XCX”

Wolf Alice “Don’t Delete The Kisses”

Finally, here are thirty albums I loved last year. Onwards and upwards!

1. Kelela Take Me Apart

2. Lorde Melodrama

3. SZA Ctrl

4. Fever Ray Plunge

5. Charly Bliss Guppy

6. Wolf Alice Visions Of A Life

7. Rina Sawayama RINA

8. Jessie Ware Glasshouse

9. Tove Lo Blue Lips

10. Charli XCX Pop 2

11. MUNA about u

12. Moses Sumney Aromanticism

13. Sevdaliza ISON

14. St Vincent MASSEDUCTION

15. Susanne Sundfør Music For People In Trouble

16. Ibeyi Ash

17. Sampa The Great Birds & The Bee9

18. Kink Playground

19. Daniel Caesar Freudian

20. Bicep Bicep

21. Sophia Kennedy - Sophia Kennedy

22. Miguel War & Leisure

23. Laura Marling Semper Femina

24. Ibibio Sound Machine Uyai

25. Jen Cloher Jen Cloher

26. Dua Lipa Dua Lipa

27. The xx I See You

28. Honey Dijon The Best Of Both Worlds

29. Kesha Rainbow

30. Leikeli47 Wash & Set

[j-writes-and-suffers]

NaNoWriMo Day Three

Philip snapped out of his trance as several hundred students burst forth from the depths of the gym. The previously quiet morning was now filled with energetic chatter, and he hopped to his feet, heading towards the auditorium for induction. The nervous flutter in his chest had returned, but it wasn’t quite as intense as earlier. Taking a deep breath, he followed the signs outside the auditorium to a side entrance, lining up backstage with the other inductees.

As the only new teacher of the year, Philip was the first onstage, preceding the students. It was bizarre to him to be first up for anything; his last initial was V, which usual put him at the very end of organized line-ups like award ceremonies and graduations. Stepping out into view of the audience, he could feel sweat dripping down the back of his neck. Despite having already spoken with President Moore the day before, he was thoroughly intimidated by the much taller older man as they met onstage.

“Welcome to the family, Mr. Valentine. We look forward to sharing our Stag traditions with you for many years to come.”

“Th… thank you, sir.” Philip faltered over his words, his hand clammy and shaky as he shook Julian’s.

The president gave Philip’s hand a reassuring squeeze, patting his shoulder as he shuffled offstage. A few rows from the front, a seat had been reserved for him near the other professors. He smiled sheepishly at his new colleagues, and many of them smiled back. Philip glanced around, trying to see if he could remember anyone’s names. Most escaped his mind, but one man in the corner was pretty hard to forget.

Dressed in red and black formalwear, with long dark hair and a villainous goatee, the Drama professor, Balthazar Noctus, was rocking a Straight Outta Transylvania aesthetic. According to the other less weird teachers, he was an insanely dedicated method actor, trained in Hollywood. He had never once been spotted outside in the sun, and the only thing his students had ever seen him drink or eat was a goblet of fruit punch here and there. Philip was pretty impressed by Balthazar’s commitment - he couldn’t even stick to a diet for a week, much less keep up some crazy act for over a decade.

As the ceremony dragged on, student after student repeating the same three actions, Philip found himself growing impatient. He slipped his cell phone out of his pocket, turning down the brightness all the way. There wasn’t even much to do; the signal was far too abysmal to text or browse social media. In the end, he opened up a Pokemon emulator to pass the time. A few of the older teacher shot him looks - some were judging him for playing childish games, but some just thought pulling a phone out during a ceremony is a dick move. Philip cringed a little under the glares, but he didn’t put his phone up; he was dying of boredom and he honestly didn’t care at this point.

An hour and 20% of his battery later, Philip was finally able to file out of the auditorium. The warm sun and clear air was a welcome change of pace, and he stretched, taking a deep breath. Freedom, sweet freedom. He had about fifty minutes to grab a bite to eat before the games started. He could’ve walked off campus for some real food, but that was so much effort. Instead, he just went to the coffee shop, grabbing himself a muffin and a cappuccino.

Once he was thoroughly caffeinated, he made his way back to the courtyard, looking around for the water balloon toss. The other teacher attending the booth was a skinny blonde woman. She looked to be between thirty and fifty, and she had that sort of wardrobe that screamed ‘desperately clinging to my youth’. When Philip approached, she smiled and waved.

“You’re the new kid, right? What’d they say your name was, Philly?”

“Philip, yeah.” He nodded, holding out a hand. “Nice to meet you.”

She shook his hand, her grasp firm but her touch cold. “I’m Meredith. You can call me Merry. I teach Chemistry. What’re you? You look like liberal arts.”

“Yeah, I’m… I’m the new English teacher.” he nodded. “So, we’re running balloon toss?”

“You know it. Kids are s’posed to try and bust ‘em on the targets back there. Ten points for the rim, fifteen for the middle, twenty-five for the center dot. Forty points gets a prize, they get three shots.” Merry gestured to the different parts of the target as she spoke, before chucking a water balloon at Philip. “Think fast!”

“Whoa!” He fumbled with the balloon, failing to actually catch it, but diverting the explosion to only soak his shoes. “Crap…”

The blonde woman laughed, patting his shoulder. “It’s just water. Won’t hurt ya.”

He smiled awkwardly and nodded. “Yeah, I guess so.” Before he had a chance to force some awkward small talk, students started lining up to play. The first girl offered him a dollar, the fee to play, and lobbed the first water balloon. It fell a foot short of the target, awkwardly rolling away instead of actually bursting. Philip chuckled and handed her the second balloon. “Here, try again.” That one flew way off to the right, smacking into his leg and bursting. He sighed in dismay as his pants got more soaked.

The afternoon dragged on, with Merry cackling every time a balloon hit Philip. By the time the games drew to an end, he was pretty much drenched from the waist down. Once they finished cleaning up for the evening, he trudged off to the nearest men’s room, ringing out his soaked slacks in the sink before holding them under the blow dryer. Though his pants still weren’t totally dry, it was an improvement from their dripping wet state. He grabbed his bag off the bathroom counter, heading out towards the library.

Now that the sun was starting to go down, the heat was dissipating, leaving an unwelcome chill in the air. Philip picked up his pace, trying to get his soggy pants out of the cold breeze as soon as possible. He tugged open the hefty wooden door, hurrying inside. A burst of warmth welcomed him, and he sighed softly in relief.

“I was wondering if you would show up.” A familiar voice echoed from the top of the stairs. Julien made his way down the spiral, smiling warmly. He held a hand out as he reached the door. “Follow me, I have some blankets in the back. You’re a soaked mess.”

“Oh, I… I’m okay. You don’t… you don’t have to do that.” Philip stammered, not wanting to be fussed over too much. Nonetheless, he followed Julien into the back. There was a small lounge with a refrigerator and a coffee maker, as well as an old pull-out couch. The older man opened up a closet in the corner, rifling through the shelves until he found a thick afghan.

“Here. This should warm you up some. Would you like a hot drink? I have tea, or hot chocolate. There might be coffee in here somewhere, but I’m not positive, I don’t drink it.”

Philip tugged the blanket around himself, cozying up on the nearby couch. “Whatever you have is fine.” He was a little overwhelmed by the attention he was getting, but at the same time, he was kind of enjoying it. He curled up in the corner of the couch, watching Julien work.

The tall, slender man was gathering teabags and sugar from the cabinet, turning the coffee maker on to heat up water. Humming softly under his breath, he poured the steaming liquid over the teabags, stirring in a spoonful of sugar. He strolled over to the couch, offering the mug to Philip. “Careful, it’s warm.”

The younger man smiled gratefully, his cheeks turning pink under a layer of freckles. “Thank you,” he murmured, accepting the drink and taking a sip. “That’s really good… What kind of tea is this?”

“Earl grey.” Lucien replied, perching on the arm of the couch. “So, have you been wading through the river? What got you soaked?”

“Water balloon toss.”

“Were you the target?”

“No,” Philip laughed, “the kids just had really shitty aim.”

Lucien raised an eyebrow. “Well… I don’t have much hope for our football team this year.”

Philip shrugged, “Eh, sports are pretty lame anyway. Speaking of sports, you coming to the dodgeball game on Friday?”

“God no,” Lucien shook his head, “I think I’d have traumatic flashbacks to high school. I’ve gotten hit with more than enough dodgeballs for one lifetime.”

“Are you sure?” Philip pushed, “I hear it’s pretty fun.”

“Yeah, that’s what my student assistant said last year, and I nearly got a concussion.”

“Fair enough. Are you coming to any of the other welcome week stuff??” Philip asked.

Lucien nodded. “I’m helping with a booth for the book club tomorrow. If you’re not doing anything, you should join us.”

“Oh, uh… sure. If you want me there.”

“Absolutely. We could use some more representation. There’s only about twelve members right now, and less than half of them attend regularly.” Lucien sighed; the kids at Elk Grove really were borderline illiterate.

Philip frowned. “You’re kidding. That’s insane. I was always in book club in school. It was super popular at my college.”

“It might be me,” Lucien admitted sheepishly. “I’m not the best advertiser. I don’t have any witty enticing pick-up lines, or clever gimmicks to get people involved.”

“We can fix that!” Philip insisted. “We’re gonna build the book club this year, I promise.”

“Do we really have time? The booths are going up tomorrow morning.”

“Well, that means we have tonight, doesn’t it?”

“I suppose it does.” Lucien smiled. “What did you have in mind?”

Philip smirked. He was still barely more than a college kid himself, and pretty well in touch with pop culture. He knew exactly what would get the students involved and riled up. “We’re gonna start a fandom war.”