#{TransparentTuesday} Learning to Trust Men

[neilmillerne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Learning to Trust Men

Oof, my first week in Portugal is on the books.

Traveling solo brings up a lot, and a story I’ve never shared publicly has been bouncing around my head the last few days. Please be warned, it’s a bit of a TMI kind of story. ;-)

A few years ago I went to Peru to do four ayahuasca ceremonies in the jungle with a group of 30 other “passengers,” several care-takers, and two shamans. For those who don’t know, ayahuasca is a plant medicine which has been used in indigenous South American cultures to heal people’s hearts, minds, bodies, and souls.

An ayahuasca ceremony typically includes drinking the plant-based brew with a shaman, and then laying on your mat in the dark until the medicine kicks in and you get really sick and trip your brains out.

Ayahuasca is not a fun drug. Nobody would ever take it recreationally, and it was, in fact, one of the most physically and emotionally demanding couple of weeks of my life.

I faced my demons. I met my soul. I felt ALL THE PAIN. I wept and raged and vomited and re-lived childhood trauma from different vantage points.

It’s impossible to describe what the experience of taking ayahuasca is like, so I won’t try to describe it here. It’s often described as having ten years of therapy in one night, and I won’t disagree with that. It’s also a completely unique ride each time.

What I will say is that I went to Peru to heal some really specific wounds. I went there with the intention of healing my relationship to being female and everything that includes, and I knew that meant I’d have to deal with fear of men.

Like many women, I spent decades with a constant low-level fear of men attacking me. Even as a child I remember thinking I was basically kidnapping-bait, and was always looking over my shoulder on my walk home from school.

I did what women are supposed to do: stay constantly on the defensive.

I carried my keys in my hands when I walked home, I kept my earbuds in with no music, I was always on the lookout for an exit plan, and I texted my friends when I got home safe. In groups of men I was always a little nervous; it seemed safer to be cautious.

I was especially afraid of men who reminded me of a certain man: Spanish-speaking, macho, gaslighting, dangerous.

In that final ayahuasca ceremony in Peru, I decided to drink a larger portion of brew. I hadn’t had the trippy experience everyone else had, my ceremonies had all been controlled and mild by comparison, so I figured: why not?

The short story is that I got completely obliterated, trapped in a reality I can never explain, speaking with the grasshopper king in a kaleidoscope of colors and sounds.

The hallucinations were so all-encompassing that it made no difference whether my eyes were open or closed, and I was physically the sickest I’ve ever been. For hours, I thought I was going to die.

At one point went to the bathroom, where I passed out cold and woke up covered in my own shit and vomit (both are a common side effect) to the ceremony “helpers” pulling me out, discussing me in worried Spanish voices.

Now, here’s the interesting part. I had specifically chosen this retreat due to the value it placed on the feminine spirit, and how they purposefully always had both a male and female shaman, and both male and female “helpers.” But at this particular moment, all of the women were occupied, and I needed help.

I was completely and utterly incapacitated.

I couldn’t even lift my hands or open my eyes. I was pulled out of that bathroom like a soiled ragdoll, by about four pairs of Peruvian male hands. One of the men got me water, and waited until I could talk to explain what needed to happen.

“You’re completely wet. You need new clothes and we need to get you warm, but you have to wash first.”

I moaned in agreement, so he asked if I could wash myself. There was no way though, I couldn’t even lift my head!

The perfection of this moment suddenly struck me as hilarious.

I had spent my entire life afraid to be in a vulnerable position with men, because I believed on some level that men are opportunists, and that none of them can ever be fully trusted. Don’t leave your car unlocked, right? I had been in a constant state of keeping my car locked, to avoid being raped or manipulated or hurt.

And yet there I was, giving my consent for multiple Peruvian men to strip me naked and wash my soiled body in the middle of the night, in the middle of the jungle, while I focused all my energy on just not falling over.

I needed to get clean, dry, and warm. It was surreal, and funny. They were so gentle, and so kind, and I felt the safest I’ve ever felt in my life.

The magic didn’t stop there though. When I was back on my mat covered in blankets, I reached a hand out for a man who had stopped by my neighbor’s mat, and was sitting near me.

This particular man had given me a very bad feeling when I’d spotted him early on in the retreat. I’d desperately hoped he wouldn’t be in my ceremony group, because I was afraid of him being there while I was vulnerable.

I don’t remember his name, but he was from Romania and his body was massive, muscular, hulk-like. He looked extremely powerful and dangerous, and his face came off as completely lacking in gentleness. He was the kind of masculine that presented as neanderthal. I was terrified of him.

But then there he was.

He just happened to be sitting next to me when I needed someone, and immediately reached back to take my hand as I came down from my trip, and ask me what I needed. I told him I just wanted to hold onto something I was sure was real.

He didn’t let go of my hand for hours. He moved his cigarette from hand to hand, smoking as I cried and trembled, making sure never to let go. He sang me Romanian lullabies that he said he would sing to his young daughter at home. He kept reminding me that I was safe.

All of this is to say that after that night, I have felt safe among men in a way that is nothing short of life-changing.

Being in Portugal alone this week has provided constant reminders of this.

The other night I went to a digital nomad meetup and found myself interacting with wonderful people from all over the world. The host eventually asked if I was hungry around 11:30pm, and said he and some others were going to head out for some food at a local market. Without even thinking about it, I said yes and only when we got there did I realize I was the only woman in the group.

More importantly though, when I realized it, nothing changed. My belly didn’t knot up. My jaw didn’t tighten. I didn’t start flirting or attacking or self-monitoring or behaving strangely.

I just ordered a famous Portuguese dish, shared my fries with my new friends, and learned a ton about the European nomad scene. Then I walked home alone, on streets I don’t know, without fear.

This is what it’s like to feel safe. To trust in men; to trust in myself. And it’s a beautiful thing.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Learning to Trust Men appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2yUsC5Z

[albertcaldwellne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Learning to Trust Men

Oof, my first week in Portugal is on the books.

Traveling solo brings up a lot, and a story I’ve never shared publicly has been bouncing around my head the last few days. Please be warned, it’s a bit of a TMI kind of story. ;-)

A few years ago I went to Peru to do four ayahuasca ceremonies in the jungle with a group of 30 other “passengers,” several care-takers, and two shamans. For those who don’t know, ayahuasca is a plant medicine which has been used in indigenous South American cultures to heal people’s hearts, minds, bodies, and souls.

An ayahuasca ceremony typically includes drinking the plant-based brew with a shaman, and then laying on your mat in the dark until the medicine kicks in and you get really sick and trip your brains out.

Ayahuasca is not a fun drug. Nobody would ever take it recreationally, and it was, in fact, one of the most physically and emotionally demanding couple of weeks of my life.

I faced my demons. I met my soul. I felt ALL THE PAIN. I wept and raged and vomited and re-lived childhood trauma from different vantage points.

It’s impossible to describe what the experience of taking ayahuasca is like, so I won’t try to describe it here. It’s often described as having ten years of therapy in one night, and I won’t disagree with that. It’s also a completely unique ride each time.

What I will say is that I went to Peru to heal some really specific wounds. I went there with the intention of healing my relationship to being female and everything that includes, and I knew that meant I’d have to deal with fear of men.

Like many women, I spent decades with a constant low-level fear of men attacking me. Even as a child I remember thinking I was basically kidnapping-bait, and was always looking over my shoulder on my walk home from school.

I did what women are supposed to do: stay constantly on the defensive.

I carried my keys in my hands when I walked home, I kept my earbuds in with no music, I was always on the lookout for an exit plan, and I texted my friends when I got home safe. In groups of men I was always a little nervous; it seemed safer to be cautious.

I was especially afraid of men who reminded me of a certain man: Spanish-speaking, macho, gaslighting, dangerous.

In that final ayahuasca ceremony in Peru, I decided to drink a larger portion of brew. I hadn’t had the trippy experience everyone else had, my ceremonies had all been controlled and mild by comparison, so I figured: why not?

The short story is that I got completely obliterated, trapped in a reality I can never explain, speaking with the grasshopper king in a kaleidoscope of colors and sounds.

The hallucinations were so all-encompassing that it made no difference whether my eyes were open or closed, and I was physically the sickest I’ve ever been. For hours, I thought I was going to die.

At one point went to the bathroom, where I passed out cold and woke up covered in my own shit and vomit (both are a common side effect) to the ceremony “helpers” pulling me out, discussing me in worried Spanish voices.

Now, here’s the interesting part. I had specifically chosen this retreat due to the value it placed on the feminine spirit, and how they purposefully always had both a male and female shaman, and both male and female “helpers.” But at this particular moment, all of the women were occupied, and I needed help.

I was completely and utterly incapacitated.

I couldn’t even lift my hands or open my eyes. I was pulled out of that bathroom like a soiled ragdoll, by about four pairs of Peruvian male hands. One of the men got me water, and waited until I could talk to explain what needed to happen.

“You’re completely wet. You need new clothes and we need to get you warm, but you have to wash first.”

I moaned in agreement, so he asked if I could wash myself. There was no way though, I couldn’t even lift my head!

The perfection of this moment suddenly struck me as hilarious.

I had spent my entire life afraid to be in a vulnerable position with men, because I believed on some level that men are opportunists, and that none of them can ever be fully trusted. Don’t leave your car unlocked, right? I had been in a constant state of keeping my car locked, to avoid being raped or manipulated or hurt.

And yet there I was, giving my consent for multiple Peruvian men to strip me naked and wash my soiled body in the middle of the night, in the middle of the jungle, while I focused all my energy on just not falling over.

I needed to get clean, dry, and warm. It was surreal, and funny. They were so gentle, and so kind, and I felt the safest I’ve ever felt in my life.

The magic didn’t stop there though. When I was back on my mat covered in blankets, I reached a hand out for a man who had stopped by my neighbor’s mat, and was sitting near me.

This particular man had given me a very bad feeling when I’d spotted him early on in the retreat. I’d desperately hoped he wouldn’t be in my ceremony group, because I was afraid of him being there while I was vulnerable.

I don’t remember his name, but he was from Romania and his body was massive, muscular, hulk-like. He looked extremely powerful and dangerous, and his face came off as completely lacking in gentleness. He was the kind of masculine that presented as neanderthal. I was terrified of him.

But then there he was.

He just happened to be sitting next to me when I needed someone, and immediately reached back to take my hand as I came down from my trip, and ask me what I needed. I told him I just wanted to hold onto something I was sure was real.

He didn’t let go of my hand for hours. He moved his cigarette from hand to hand, smoking as I cried and trembled, making sure never to let go. He sang me Romanian lullabies that he said he would sing to his young daughter at home. He kept reminding me that I was safe.

All of this is to say that after that night, I have felt safe among men in a way that is nothing short of life-changing.

Being in Portugal alone this week has provided constant reminders of this.

The other night I went to a digital nomad meetup and found myself interacting with wonderful people from all over the world. The host eventually asked if I was hungry around 11:30pm, and said he and some others were going to head out for some food at a local market. Without even thinking about it, I said yes and only when we got there did I realize I was the only woman in the group.

More importantly though, when I realized it, nothing changed. My belly didn’t knot up. My jaw didn’t tighten. I didn’t start flirting or attacking or self-monitoring or behaving strangely.

I just ordered a famous Portuguese dish, shared my fries with my new friends, and learned a ton about the European nomad scene. Then I walked home alone, on streets I don’t know, without fear.

This is what it’s like to feel safe. To trust in men; to trust in myself. And it’s a beautiful thing.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Learning to Trust Men appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2yUsC5Z

[almajonesnjna]

{#TransparentTuesday} Learning to Trust Men

Oof, my first week in Portugal is on the books.

Traveling solo brings up a lot, and a story I’ve never shared publicly has been bouncing around my head the last few days. Please be warned, it’s a bit of a TMI kind of story. ;-)

A few years ago I went to Peru to do four ayahuasca ceremonies in the jungle with a group of 30 other “passengers,” several care-takers, and two shamans. For those who don’t know, ayahuasca is a plant medicine which has been used in indigenous South American cultures to heal people’s hearts, minds, bodies, and souls.

An ayahuasca ceremony typically includes drinking the plant-based brew with a shaman, and then laying on your mat in the dark until the medicine kicks in and you get really sick and trip your brains out.

Ayahuasca is not a fun drug. Nobody would ever take it recreationally, and it was, in fact, one of the most physically and emotionally demanding couple of weeks of my life.

I faced my demons. I met my soul. I felt ALL THE PAIN. I wept and raged and vomited and re-lived childhood trauma from different vantage points.

It’s impossible to describe what the experience of taking ayahuasca is like, so I won’t try to describe it here. It’s often described as having ten years of therapy in one night, and I won’t disagree with that. It’s also a completely unique ride each time.

What I will say is that I went to Peru to heal some really specific wounds. I went there with the intention of healing my relationship to being female and everything that includes, and I knew that meant I’d have to deal with fear of men.

Like many women, I spent decades with a constant low-level fear of men attacking me. Even as a child I remember thinking I was basically kidnapping-bait, and was always looking over my shoulder on my walk home from school.

I did what women are supposed to do: stay constantly on the defensive.

I carried my keys in my hands when I walked home, I kept my earbuds in with no music, I was always on the lookout for an exit plan, and I texted my friends when I got home safe. In groups of men I was always a little nervous; it seemed safer to be cautious.

I was especially afraid of men who reminded me of a certain man: Spanish-speaking, macho, gaslighting, dangerous.

In that final ayahuasca ceremony in Peru, I decided to drink a larger portion of brew. I hadn’t had the trippy experience everyone else had, my ceremonies had all been controlled and mild by comparison, so I figured: why not?

The short story is that I got completely obliterated, trapped in a reality I can never explain, speaking with the grasshopper king in a kaleidoscope of colors and sounds.

The hallucinations were so all-encompassing that it made no difference whether my eyes were open or closed, and I was physically the sickest I’ve ever been. For hours, I thought I was going to die.

At one point went to the bathroom, where I passed out cold and woke up covered in my own shit and vomit (both are a common side effect) to the ceremony “helpers” pulling me out, discussing me in worried Spanish voices.

Now, here’s the interesting part. I had specifically chosen this retreat due to the value it placed on the feminine spirit, and how they purposefully always had both a male and female shaman, and both male and female “helpers.” But at this particular moment, all of the women were occupied, and I needed help.

I was completely and utterly incapacitated.

I couldn’t even lift my hands or open my eyes. I was pulled out of that bathroom like a soiled ragdoll, by about four pairs of Peruvian male hands. One of the men got me water, and waited until I could talk to explain what needed to happen.

“You’re completely wet. You need new clothes and we need to get you warm, but you have to wash first.”

I moaned in agreement, so he asked if I could wash myself. There was no way though, I couldn’t even lift my head!

The perfection of this moment suddenly struck me as hilarious.

I had spent my entire life afraid to be in a vulnerable position with men, because I believed on some level that men are opportunists, and that none of them can ever be fully trusted. Don’t leave your car unlocked, right? I had been in a constant state of keeping my car locked, to avoid being raped or manipulated or hurt.

And yet there I was, giving my consent for multiple Peruvian men to strip me naked and wash my soiled body in the middle of the night, in the middle of the jungle, while I focused all my energy on just not falling over.

I needed to get clean, dry, and warm. It was surreal, and funny. They were so gentle, and so kind, and I felt the safest I’ve ever felt in my life.

The magic didn’t stop there though. When I was back on my mat covered in blankets, I reached a hand out for a man who had stopped by my neighbor’s mat, and was sitting near me.

This particular man had given me a very bad feeling when I’d spotted him early on in the retreat. I’d desperately hoped he wouldn’t be in my ceremony group, because I was afraid of him being there while I was vulnerable.

I don’t remember his name, but he was from Romania and his body was massive, muscular, hulk-like. He looked extremely powerful and dangerous, and his face came off as completely lacking in gentleness. He was the kind of masculine that presented as neanderthal. I was terrified of him.

But then there he was.

He just happened to be sitting next to me when I needed someone, and immediately reached back to take my hand as I came down from my trip, and ask me what I needed. I told him I just wanted to hold onto something I was sure was real.

He didn’t let go of my hand for hours. He moved his cigarette from hand to hand, smoking as I cried and trembled, making sure never to let go. He sang me Romanian lullabies that he said he would sing to his young daughter at home. He kept reminding me that I was safe.

All of this is to say that after that night, I have felt safe among men in a way that is nothing short of life-changing.

Being in Portugal alone this week has provided constant reminders of this.

The other night I went to a digital nomad meetup and found myself interacting with wonderful people from all over the world. The host eventually asked if I was hungry around 11:30pm, and said he and some others were going to head out for some food at a local market. Without even thinking about it, I said yes and only when we got there did I realize I was the only woman in the group.

More importantly though, when I realized it, nothing changed. My belly didn’t knot up. My jaw didn’t tighten. I didn’t start flirting or attacking or self-monitoring or behaving strangely.

I just ordered a famous Portuguese dish, shared my fries with my new friends, and learned a ton about the European nomad scene. Then I walked home alone, on streets I don’t know, without fear.

This is what it’s like to feel safe. To trust in men; to trust in myself. And it’s a beautiful thing.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Learning to Trust Men appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2yUsC5Z

[ruthellisneda]

{#TransparentTuesday} Asking For Support

On a day in recent history, I received some triggering news that made my blood run cold, and a mushroom of anxiety and grief bloom furiously in my belly.

I sat frozen on my floor for a few minutes, feeling completely lost and paralyzed, before pulling out my phone and sending texts to half a dozen people. I explained to them what had happened, and told them I needed their support.

Within a few minutes, I had a mountain of texts.

One friend let me know she couldn’t talk right now, but offered a day and time when she could give me her undivided attention and support soon. Some were immediate offers of empathy, letting me know that my pain was witnessed and heard and valid. Some were questions like “how can I help?” and some were funny GIFs.

Each person brought something unique, different, special, and healing to me over the next few hours of texting. Together they helped me shift from a place of panic and shame to one of safety, calm, and secure belonging. Their support literally re-regulated my triggered nervous system, grounded me back into my body, and protected me from sinking into depression.

What’s interesting about this is that five years ago, I never would had sent those texts.

For most of my life, I wouldn’t have wanted to bother anyone, and I wouldn’t have felt comfortable burdening anyone with my feelings– especially big, panicky, ugly feelings. Back then, when I got triggered by shit, I didn’t reach out to anyone to help me re-regulate, so instead I just spiraled downward, alone, for a loooong time.

We desperately need support and connection. We’re wired for it, and we genuinely can’t thrive without it

Getting support and connection from other people when we’re freaking out (aka when we’re dealing with a disregulated nervous system) literally helps the body calm down and return to normal.

Yet so many people struggle to reach out for support, just like I used to, and end up spiraling downward alone instead. Why?

I believe the answer involves the way we’re socialized to see our own gender roles. While men have their own battles to fight in this arena (aka male bonding activities are everywhere, but male emotional vulnerability is discouraged), I’m going to focus on women.

Women are taught that their value comes from giving others a positive experience: being pretty, desirable, bubbly and cheerful, helpful, and nurturing/caring. As such, most of us learn to not cause a fuss, be as pleasant as possible, and always put the needs and desires of others before our own. Can you see how burdening someone else with our needs or feelings would go completely against everything we learned? It would be selfish! It would be too much for them to handle! It would be anarchy!

It can be so scary to imagine being vulnerable, asking for help, or inconveniencing someone with our feelings, that many of us would rather just soldier on alone

— miserable and disconnected, but at least feeling “safe” that we didn’t mess anything up.

This fear of opening yourself and being vulnerable makes sense.

After all, it opens you up to rejection– what if the person says no? That would really hurt.

It also opens you up to judgement and criticism. What if someone gets mad at you, or says “your feelings are wrong and stupid”?

It also lets other people see that you’re not perfect, and you don’t always have everything together. Many women are so afraid of being seen that way that they spend their entire lives avoiding it.

Let’s take a look at the most common fears I see women struggle with– the ones thatkeep us from reaching out for the support we need when we need it:

* Fear of being a burden/inconvenience * Fear of people realizing we’re imperfect * Fear of upsetting/disappointing someone (or being disappointed!) * Fear of being judged or laughed at * Fear of being seen as selfish * Fear of being “too much” for people * Fear of being rejected or disapproved of

Do any of these sound familiar? These fears can be absolutely paralyzing, and the longer you go without facing them, the more powerful they become!

This is what a lot of “fear of vulnerability” and “difficulty opening up and trusting people” comes down to– feeling like you wouldn’t be able to handle the negative consequences of one of the above fears.

But letting these fears run the show isn’t just a disservice to you. It’s also a disservice to everyone around you!

Think about it this way: You have a friend who never opens up to you, tells you about the shit she’s going through, or asks you for support. This means you never get to be there for her, and you never see her messy authentic self, so you never feel comfortable sharing your messy authentic self either. The two of you both keep presenting your “best selves” to the other, staying pretty surface-level, while each of you wishes the other would open up so you could deepen the friendship.

This happens all the time, especially among women. We all crave deeply nourishing relationships, but we’re too afraid to let people see our messy/private/weak/hurting parts, or bother people with our needs or feelings. So we try to handle everything ourselves, never giving anyone the opportunity to step up… and then when we really need support, nobody is there.

Letting yourself be vulnerable, asking for help, and opening up to people– these are SKILLS.

They might be uncomfortable right now, but that’s ok. They might even be straight up terrifying, and that’s ok too. But you deserve to have friendships that nourish and support you in times of stress, and so do the other people in your life.

The good news is that you can overcome these fears with practice– it gets easier the more you do it!

I feel so strongly about the need for overcoming these fears that I actually teach it in Authentic Body Confidence (a 12 week online course that launches again in August!) to women who have been afraid and disconnected for a long time.

It’s important to note here that overcoming the fear of opening yourself up to people is a numbers game. Sometimes you will be rejected, and that’s ok. (Again, it’s a skill!) But if you only open up to one person every 10 years, and one of them rejects you, shames you, or breaks your heart… it’s gonna be reaalllllly difficult to do it again.

If you practice overcoming these fears every week though, you’ll start to see that some people take your invitation and rise to the challenge, and others don’t, and both are fine. In this way you will become a lot freer, more resilient, and way more self-confident.

That’s why I encourage you to practice opening up more often.

Practice inviting people to do things or talk, being uncomfortable and opening up anyway, and handling rejection and conflict. Ask for the exact kind of help and support you need, and commit to expanding your comfort zone every week by reaching out, reaching out, reaching out.

Yours in belonging,

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Asking For Support appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2KHeO61

[johnclapperne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Asking For Support

On a day in recent history, I received some triggering news that made my blood run cold, and a mushroom of anxiety and grief bloom furiously in my belly.

I sat frozen on my floor for a few minutes, feeling completely lost and paralyzed, before pulling out my phone and sending texts to half a dozen people. I explained to them what had happened, and told them I needed their support.

Within a few minutes, I had a mountain of texts.

One friend let me know she couldn’t talk right now, but offered a day and time when she could give me her undivided attention and support soon. Some were immediate offers of empathy, letting me know that my pain was witnessed and heard and valid. Some were questions like “how can I help?” and some were funny GIFs.

Each person brought something unique, different, special, and healing to me over the next few hours of texting. Together they helped me shift from a place of panic and shame to one of safety, calm, and secure belonging. Their support literally re-regulated my triggered nervous system, grounded me back into my body, and protected me from sinking into depression.

What’s interesting about this is that five years ago, I never would had sent those texts.

For most of my life, I wouldn’t have wanted to bother anyone, and I wouldn’t have felt comfortable burdening anyone with my feelings– especially big, panicky, ugly feelings. Back then, when I got triggered by shit, I didn’t reach out to anyone to help me re-regulate, so instead I just spiraled downward, alone, for a loooong time.

We desperately need support and connection. We’re wired for it, and we genuinely can’t thrive without it

Getting support and connection from other people when we’re freaking out (aka when we’re dealing with a disregulated nervous system) literally helps the body calm down and return to normal.

Yet so many people struggle to reach out for support, just like I used to, and end up spiraling downward alone instead. Why?

I believe the answer involves the way we’re socialized to see our own gender roles. While men have their own battles to fight in this arena (aka male bonding activities are everywhere, but male emotional vulnerability is discouraged), I’m going to focus on women.

Women are taught that their value comes from giving others a positive experience: being pretty, desirable, bubbly and cheerful, helpful, and nurturing/caring. As such, most of us learn to not cause a fuss, be as pleasant as possible, and always put the needs and desires of others before our own. Can you see how burdening someone else with our needs or feelings would go completely against everything we learned? It would be selfish! It would be too much for them to handle! It would be anarchy!

It can be so scary to imagine being vulnerable, asking for help, or inconveniencing someone with our feelings, that many of us would rather just soldier on alone

— miserable and disconnected, but at least feeling “safe” that we didn’t mess anything up.

This fear of opening yourself and being vulnerable makes sense.

After all, it opens you up to rejection– what if the person says no? That would really hurt.

It also opens you up to judgement and criticism. What if someone gets mad at you, or says “your feelings are wrong and stupid”?

It also lets other people see that you’re not perfect, and you don’t always have everything together. Many women are so afraid of being seen that way that they spend their entire lives avoiding it.

Let’s take a look at the most common fears I see women struggle with– the ones thatkeep us from reaching out for the support we need when we need it:

* Fear of being a burden/inconvenience * Fear of people realizing we’re imperfect * Fear of upsetting/disappointing someone (or being disappointed!) * Fear of being judged or laughed at * Fear of being seen as selfish * Fear of being “too much” for people * Fear of being rejected or disapproved of

Do any of these sound familiar? These fears can be absolutely paralyzing, and the longer you go without facing them, the more powerful they become!

This is what a lot of “fear of vulnerability” and “difficulty opening up and trusting people” comes down to– feeling like you wouldn’t be able to handle the negative consequences of one of the above fears.

But letting these fears run the show isn’t just a disservice to you. It’s also a disservice to everyone around you!

Think about it this way: You have a friend who never opens up to you, tells you about the shit she’s going through, or asks you for support. This means you never get to be there for her, and you never see her messy authentic self, so you never feel comfortable sharing your messy authentic self either. The two of you both keep presenting your “best selves” to the other, staying pretty surface-level, while each of you wishes the other would open up so you could deepen the friendship.

This happens all the time, especially among women. We all crave deeply nourishing relationships, but we’re too afraid to let people see our messy/private/weak/hurting parts, or bother people with our needs or feelings. So we try to handle everything ourselves, never giving anyone the opportunity to step up… and then when we really need support, nobody is there.

Letting yourself be vulnerable, asking for help, and opening up to people– these are SKILLS.

They might be uncomfortable right now, but that’s ok. They might even be straight up terrifying, and that’s ok too. But you deserve to have friendships that nourish and support you in times of stress, and so do the other people in your life.

The good news is that you can overcome these fears with practice– it gets easier the more you do it!

I feel so strongly about the need for overcoming these fears that I actually teach it in Authentic Body Confidence (a 12 week online course that launches again in August!) to women who have been afraid and disconnected for a long time.

It’s important to note here that overcoming the fear of opening yourself up to people is a numbers game. Sometimes you will be rejected, and that’s ok. (Again, it’s a skill!) But if you only open up to one person every 10 years, and one of them rejects you, shames you, or breaks your heart… it’s gonna be reaalllllly difficult to do it again.

If you practice overcoming these fears every week though, you’ll start to see that some people take your invitation and rise to the challenge, and others don’t, and both are fine. In this way you will become a lot freer, more resilient, and way more self-confident.

That’s why I encourage you to practice opening up more often.

Practice inviting people to do things or talk, being uncomfortable and opening up anyway, and handling rejection and conflict. Ask for the exact kind of help and support you need, and commit to expanding your comfort zone every week by reaching out, reaching out, reaching out.

Yours in belonging,

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Asking For Support appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2KHeO61

[albertcaldwellne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Asking For Support

On a day in recent history, I received some triggering news that made my blood run cold, and a mushroom of anxiety and grief bloom furiously in my belly.

I sat frozen on my floor for a few minutes, feeling completely lost and paralyzed, before pulling out my phone and sending texts to half a dozen people. I explained to them what had happened, and told them I needed their support.

Within a few minutes, I had a mountain of texts.

One friend let me know she couldn’t talk right now, but offered a day and time when she could give me her undivided attention and support soon. Some were immediate offers of empathy, letting me know that my pain was witnessed and heard and valid. Some were questions like “how can I help?” and some were funny GIFs.

Each person brought something unique, different, special, and healing to me over the next few hours of texting. Together they helped me shift from a place of panic and shame to one of safety, calm, and secure belonging. Their support literally re-regulated my triggered nervous system, grounded me back into my body, and protected me from sinking into depression.

What’s interesting about this is that five years ago, I never would had sent those texts.

For most of my life, I wouldn’t have wanted to bother anyone, and I wouldn’t have felt comfortable burdening anyone with my feelings– especially big, panicky, ugly feelings. Back then, when I got triggered by shit, I didn’t reach out to anyone to help me re-regulate, so instead I just spiraled downward, alone, for a loooong time.

We desperately need support and connection. We’re wired for it, and we genuinely can’t thrive without it

Getting support and connection from other people when we’re freaking out (aka when we’re dealing with a disregulated nervous system) literally helps the body calm down and return to normal.

Yet so many people struggle to reach out for support, just like I used to, and end up spiraling downward alone instead. Why?

I believe the answer involves the way we’re socialized to see our own gender roles. While men have their own battles to fight in this arena (aka male bonding activities are everywhere, but male emotional vulnerability is discouraged), I’m going to focus on women.

Women are taught that their value comes from giving others a positive experience: being pretty, desirable, bubbly and cheerful, helpful, and nurturing/caring. As such, most of us learn to not cause a fuss, be as pleasant as possible, and always put the needs and desires of others before our own. Can you see how burdening someone else with our needs or feelings would go completely against everything we learned? It would be selfish! It would be too much for them to handle! It would be anarchy!

It can be so scary to imagine being vulnerable, asking for help, or inconveniencing someone with our feelings, that many of us would rather just soldier on alone

— miserable and disconnected, but at least feeling “safe” that we didn’t mess anything up.

This fear of opening yourself and being vulnerable makes sense.

After all, it opens you up to rejection– what if the person says no? That would really hurt.

It also opens you up to judgement and criticism. What if someone gets mad at you, or says “your feelings are wrong and stupid”?

It also lets other people see that you’re not perfect, and you don’t always have everything together. Many women are so afraid of being seen that way that they spend their entire lives avoiding it.

Let’s take a look at the most common fears I see women struggle with– the ones thatkeep us from reaching out for the support we need when we need it:

* Fear of being a burden/inconvenience * Fear of people realizing we’re imperfect * Fear of upsetting/disappointing someone (or being disappointed!) * Fear of being judged or laughed at * Fear of being seen as selfish * Fear of being “too much” for people * Fear of being rejected or disapproved of

Do any of these sound familiar? These fears can be absolutely paralyzing, and the longer you go without facing them, the more powerful they become!

This is what a lot of “fear of vulnerability” and “difficulty opening up and trusting people” comes down to– feeling like you wouldn’t be able to handle the negative consequences of one of the above fears.

But letting these fears run the show isn’t just a disservice to you. It’s also a disservice to everyone around you!

Think about it this way: You have a friend who never opens up to you, tells you about the shit she’s going through, or asks you for support. This means you never get to be there for her, and you never see her messy authentic self, so you never feel comfortable sharing your messy authentic self either. The two of you both keep presenting your “best selves” to the other, staying pretty surface-level, while each of you wishes the other would open up so you could deepen the friendship.

This happens all the time, especially among women. We all crave deeply nourishing relationships, but we’re too afraid to let people see our messy/private/weak/hurting parts, or bother people with our needs or feelings. So we try to handle everything ourselves, never giving anyone the opportunity to step up… and then when we really need support, nobody is there.

Letting yourself be vulnerable, asking for help, and opening up to people– these are SKILLS.

They might be uncomfortable right now, but that’s ok. They might even be straight up terrifying, and that’s ok too. But you deserve to have friendships that nourish and support you in times of stress, and so do the other people in your life.

The good news is that you can overcome these fears with practice– it gets easier the more you do it!

I feel so strongly about the need for overcoming these fears that I actually teach it in Authentic Body Confidence (a 12 week online course that launches again in August!) to women who have been afraid and disconnected for a long time.

It’s important to note here that overcoming the fear of opening yourself up to people is a numbers game. Sometimes you will be rejected, and that’s ok. (Again, it’s a skill!) But if you only open up to one person every 10 years, and one of them rejects you, shames you, or breaks your heart… it’s gonna be reaalllllly difficult to do it again.

If you practice overcoming these fears every week though, you’ll start to see that some people take your invitation and rise to the challenge, and others don’t, and both are fine. In this way you will become a lot freer, more resilient, and way more self-confident.

That’s why I encourage you to practice opening up more often.

Practice inviting people to do things or talk, being uncomfortable and opening up anyway, and handling rejection and conflict. Ask for the exact kind of help and support you need, and commit to expanding your comfort zone every week by reaching out, reaching out, reaching out.

Yours in belonging,

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Asking For Support appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2KHeO61

[joshuabradleyn]

{#TransparentTuesday} Asking For Support

On a day in recent history, I received some triggering news that made my blood run cold, and a mushroom of anxiety and grief bloom furiously in my belly.

I sat frozen on my floor for a few minutes, feeling completely lost and paralyzed, before pulling out my phone and sending texts to half a dozen people. I explained to them what had happened, and told them I needed their support.

Within a few minutes, I had a mountain of texts.

One friend let me know she couldn’t talk right now, but offered a day and time when she could give me her undivided attention and support soon. Some were immediate offers of empathy, letting me know that my pain was witnessed and heard and valid. Some were questions like “how can I help?” and some were funny GIFs.

Each person brought something unique, different, special, and healing to me over the next few hours of texting. Together they helped me shift from a place of panic and shame to one of safety, calm, and secure belonging. Their support literally re-regulated my triggered nervous system, grounded me back into my body, and protected me from sinking into depression.

What’s interesting about this is that five years ago, I never would had sent those texts.

For most of my life, I wouldn’t have wanted to bother anyone, and I wouldn’t have felt comfortable burdening anyone with my feelings– especially big, panicky, ugly feelings. Back then, when I got triggered by shit, I didn’t reach out to anyone to help me re-regulate, so instead I just spiraled downward, alone, for a loooong time.

We desperately need support and connection. We’re wired for it, and we genuinely can’t thrive without it

Getting support and connection from other people when we’re freaking out (aka when we’re dealing with a disregulated nervous system) literally helps the body calm down and return to normal.

Yet so many people struggle to reach out for support, just like I used to, and end up spiraling downward alone instead. Why?

I believe the answer involves the way we’re socialized to see our own gender roles. While men have their own battles to fight in this arena (aka male bonding activities are everywhere, but male emotional vulnerability is discouraged), I’m going to focus on women.

Women are taught that their value comes from giving others a positive experience: being pretty, desirable, bubbly and cheerful, helpful, and nurturing/caring. As such, most of us learn to not cause a fuss, be as pleasant as possible, and always put the needs and desires of others before our own. Can you see how burdening someone else with our needs or feelings would go completely against everything we learned? It would be selfish! It would be too much for them to handle! It would be anarchy!

It can be so scary to imagine being vulnerable, asking for help, or inconveniencing someone with our feelings, that many of us would rather just soldier on alone

— miserable and disconnected, but at least feeling “safe” that we didn’t mess anything up.

This fear of opening yourself and being vulnerable makes sense.

After all, it opens you up to rejection– what if the person says no? That would really hurt.

It also opens you up to judgement and criticism. What if someone gets mad at you, or says “your feelings are wrong and stupid”?

It also lets other people see that you’re not perfect, and you don’t always have everything together. Many women are so afraid of being seen that way that they spend their entire lives avoiding it.

Let’s take a look at the most common fears I see women struggle with– the ones thatkeep us from reaching out for the support we need when we need it:

* Fear of being a burden/inconvenience * Fear of people realizing we’re imperfect * Fear of upsetting/disappointing someone (or being disappointed!) * Fear of being judged or laughed at * Fear of being seen as selfish * Fear of being “too much” for people * Fear of being rejected or disapproved of

Do any of these sound familiar? These fears can be absolutely paralyzing, and the longer you go without facing them, the more powerful they become!

This is what a lot of “fear of vulnerability” and “difficulty opening up and trusting people” comes down to– feeling like you wouldn’t be able to handle the negative consequences of one of the above fears.

But letting these fears run the show isn’t just a disservice to you. It’s also a disservice to everyone around you!

Think about it this way: You have a friend who never opens up to you, tells you about the shit she’s going through, or asks you for support. This means you never get to be there for her, and you never see her messy authentic self, so you never feel comfortable sharing your messy authentic self either. The two of you both keep presenting your “best selves” to the other, staying pretty surface-level, while each of you wishes the other would open up so you could deepen the friendship.

This happens all the time, especially among women. We all crave deeply nourishing relationships, but we’re too afraid to let people see our messy/private/weak/hurting parts, or bother people with our needs or feelings. So we try to handle everything ourselves, never giving anyone the opportunity to step up… and then when we really need support, nobody is there.

Letting yourself be vulnerable, asking for help, and opening up to people– these are SKILLS.

They might be uncomfortable right now, but that’s ok. They might even be straight up terrifying, and that’s ok too. But you deserve to have friendships that nourish and support you in times of stress, and so do the other people in your life.

The good news is that you can overcome these fears with practice– it gets easier the more you do it!

I feel so strongly about the need for overcoming these fears that I actually teach it in Authentic Body Confidence (a 12 week online course that launches again in August!) to women who have been afraid and disconnected for a long time.

It’s important to note here that overcoming the fear of opening yourself up to people is a numbers game. Sometimes you will be rejected, and that’s ok. (Again, it’s a skill!) But if you only open up to one person every 10 years, and one of them rejects you, shames you, or breaks your heart… it’s gonna be reaalllllly difficult to do it again.

If you practice overcoming these fears every week though, you’ll start to see that some people take your invitation and rise to the challenge, and others don’t, and both are fine. In this way you will become a lot freer, more resilient, and way more self-confident.

That’s why I encourage you to practice opening up more often.

Practice inviting people to do things or talk, being uncomfortable and opening up anyway, and handling rejection and conflict. Ask for the exact kind of help and support you need, and commit to expanding your comfort zone every week by reaching out, reaching out, reaching out.

Yours in belonging,

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Asking For Support appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2KHeO61

[johnclapperne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Eliciting Male Desire.

I have spent an extraordinary amount of my life learning how to elicit male attention and cultivate male desire.

I started thinking about this recently when I had an important event coming up and my brain immediately informed me of the dozen or so steps I could take to show up for the event looking “maximally attractive” on the day of.

This is because years ago, I memorized the exact step-by-step plans required to maximize my hotness, whether I had 30 minutes, 24 hours, or 3 months… and I can never unlearn them.

I’m not kidding. My extensive knowledge of fitness and nutrition provided me with exact protocols for looking how I wanted to on any given day, plus I learned through extensive trial-and-error how to do the same for my face, hair, skin, clothes, and body language.

For well over a decade of my life, everything revolved around how to look as good as possible, and by that I really mean: how to cultivate as much male attention and desire as possible.

I committed countless hours of research, observation, practice, and analysis to the business of being sexually desirable to men.

You might not know this if you’ve never done this research (and for your sake, I sincerely hope you haven’t), but being sexually desirable is a fuck-ton of work.

There are teeth to be whitened, hair to be blown out, nails to be painted, skin to be exfoliated and moisturized, cheekbones to be contoured, eyelashes to be extended, smiles to be rehearsed, and invisibly flirtatious body language to be mastered.

Starting as a pre-teen, I consciously dedicated myself to this business. I was smart, funny, and talented, but who cares? Anyone can be those things, I though. I wanted to be HOT.

It’s important to note that this wasn’t about capturing the attention of someone I liked, it was about capturing as much male attention as possible. Why? Because it was very clear to me that THIS is the path to power as a woman.

After all, straight men hold all the social power, and straight men bestow their attention on desirable women. The most desirable of those women are then put in a position of controlling these men— of making them beg, or making them do whatever we want.

Men control the world, and if a woman is desirable enough, she can control men. This is simple syllogism, folks: If A controls B and B controls C, then A controls C.

By the time I was 11 years old, I aspired not to be a mother or wife, but a fucking vixen. A Bombshell. A seductress. I aspired to be powerful.

I understood that as a woman, I was in direct competition with other women for the coveted attention of straight men, and that in order to achieve greatness I must prove that I am “better than” other women by being more attractive, more easy-going, and more “ideal” to men in every way.

I am nothing if not driven to succeed.

I dedicated myself to the path, becoming an expert at eliciting male sexual desire, attention, and approval. I learned how to suck my belly in and subtly arch my back, all while maintaining a facial expression that suggested I was happy and relaxed.

I learned how to mirror a man’s body language and cues to make him validated and understood, how to turn “on” my most dazzling charm at will, and how to drop hints into conversation about things like loving blow-jobs.

I learned how to recognize when a man was admiring me, and to aim my body language toward him from across the room; how to laugh and toss my hair to appear carefree, how to pop my hip and arm to draw attention to my body.

I learned how to notice and track a man’s sexual arousal as we chatted, and how to make him feel like the most interesting person on earth.

I still know how to do all these things.

After spending years performing hotness in exchange for male attention, I’m still unlearning how to do it.

Despite the fact that I rejected this whole performance years ago, I still sometimes catch myself sucking my stomach in, and have to consciously relax it, or catch myself performing “carefree” because I know someone is watching me.

The unlearning process has been as purposeful and dedicated as the learning process was.

One by one, I’ve committed to examining and rejecting each habit of performance, in order to break free from the idea that I have to be desirable in order to be worthy or powerful.

I’ve shaved my head, given up makeup and nail polish, relaxed my belly, learned how to be authentic in my interactions with men, and worked really fucking hard to let go of the need be “better” than other women in any way. (Trust me, this is harder than it sounds when you’ve been fed lies about how the ultimate compliment is “you’re not like other girls.”)

I’ve had to undo years of habitual body monitoring, performing, and spectatoring, and re-learn how to feel myself from the inside instead of watching myself from the outside.

Sometimes I wonder…. what isn’t there in my head because I spent so long on the labor of desirability? What could I have pursued with that same time, energy, and passion, if I thought it would have gotten me what I wanted?

French? Carpentry? Slam poetry?

For what is worth, if any of this resonates with you and you’re feeling embarrassed or angry at all those wasted hours, I think it’s important that we recognize that we didn’t invent this drive for female power through desirability.

This shit is a LEGACY, passed down by our grandmothers, and our grandmother’s grandmothers, from bygone eras in which the only way a woman was ever going to have power of any kind was either to be beautiful enough to be chosen by a man who would provide for and protect her as his wife, or to be desirable enough that he provided and protected her via money in exchange for sex.

A woman in the not-too-distant-past wasn’t allowed to own land, or have her own money, or do basically anything without a man agreeing or doing it for her. So the legacy of female power is seduction, performance, manipulation, being desirable, all in service of ultimately getting a man to do what we want– because that was our only option.

This isn’t new. I am a product of my generation, a child of parents who were a product of their generation, and so on.

Luckily, I live in an era and country in which I am technically allowed to have an enormous amount of authentic power, and to exert my force of will with regard to my finances, business, career, relationships, reproductive rights (…) and more.

I’m grateful to live in a time where we get to examine the fact that women’s lives are being sacrificed to the patriarchy. I’m grateful to be able to discuss how so many female lives are wasted in pursuit of beauty, perfection, and desirability… and what it means that we learn to spend our lives in service of male desire, instead of pursuing our own.

Love and fucking fire, <3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Eliciting Male Desire. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2ICLQjp

[neilmillerne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Eliciting Male Desire.

I have spent an extraordinary amount of my life learning how to elicit male attention and cultivate male desire.

I started thinking about this recently when I had an important event coming up and my brain immediately informed me of the dozen or so steps I could take to show up for the event looking “maximally attractive” on the day of.

This is because years ago, I memorized the exact step-by-step plans required to maximize my hotness, whether I had 30 minutes, 24 hours, or 3 months… and I can never unlearn them.

I’m not kidding. My extensive knowledge of fitness and nutrition provided me with exact protocols for looking how I wanted to on any given day, plus I learned through extensive trial-and-error how to do the same for my face, hair, skin, clothes, and body language.

For well over a decade of my life, everything revolved around how to look as good as possible, and by that I really mean: how to cultivate as much male attention and desire as possible.

I committed countless hours of research, observation, practice, and analysis to the business of being sexually desirable to men.

You might not know this if you’ve never done this research (and for your sake, I sincerely hope you haven’t), but being sexually desirable is a fuck-ton of work.

There are teeth to be whitened, hair to be blown out, nails to be painted, skin to be exfoliated and moisturized, cheekbones to be contoured, eyelashes to be extended, smiles to be rehearsed, and invisibly flirtatious body language to be mastered.

Starting as a pre-teen, I consciously dedicated myself to this business. I was smart, funny, and talented, but who cares? Anyone can be those things, I though. I wanted to be HOT.

It’s important to note that this wasn’t about capturing the attention of someone I liked, it was about capturing as much male attention as possible. Why? Because it was very clear to me that THIS is the path to power as a woman.

After all, straight men hold all the social power, and straight men bestow their attention on desirable women. The most desirable of those women are then put in a position of controlling these men— of making them beg, or making them do whatever we want.

Men control the world, and if a woman is desirable enough, she can control men. This is simple syllogism, folks: If A controls B and B controls C, then A controls C.

By the time I was 11 years old, I aspired not to be a mother or wife, but a fucking vixen. A Bombshell. A seductress. I aspired to be powerful.

I understood that as a woman, I was in direct competition with other women for the coveted attention of straight men, and that in order to achieve greatness I must prove that I am “better than” other women by being more attractive, more easy-going, and more “ideal” to men in every way.

I am nothing if not driven to succeed.

I dedicated myself to the path, becoming an expert at eliciting male sexual desire, attention, and approval. I learned how to suck my belly in and subtly arch my back, all while maintaining a facial expression that suggested I was happy and relaxed.

I learned how to mirror a man’s body language and cues to make him validated and understood, how to turn “on” my most dazzling charm at will, and how to drop hints into conversation about things like loving blow-jobs.

I learned how to recognize when a man was admiring me, and to aim my body language toward him from across the room; how to laugh and toss my hair to appear carefree, how to pop my hip and arm to draw attention to my body.

I learned how to notice and track a man’s sexual arousal as we chatted, and how to make him feel like the most interesting person on earth.

I still know how to do all these things.

After spending years performing hotness in exchange for male attention, I’m still unlearning how to do it.

Despite the fact that I rejected this whole performance years ago, I still sometimes catch myself sucking my stomach in, and have to consciously relax it, or catch myself performing “carefree” because I know someone is watching me.

The unlearning process has been as purposeful and dedicated as the learning process was.

One by one, I’ve committed to examining and rejecting each habit of performance, in order to break free from the idea that I have to be desirable in order to be worthy or powerful.

I’ve shaved my head, given up makeup and nail polish, relaxed my belly, learned how to be authentic in my interactions with men, and worked really fucking hard to let go of the need be “better” than other women in any way. (Trust me, this is harder than it sounds when you’ve been fed lies about how the ultimate compliment is “you’re not like other girls.”)

I’ve had to undo years of habitual body monitoring, performing, and spectatoring, and re-learn how to feel myself from the inside instead of watching myself from the outside.

Sometimes I wonder…. what isn’t there in my head because I spent so long on the labor of desirability? What could I have pursued with that same time, energy, and passion, if I thought it would have gotten me what I wanted?

French? Carpentry? Slam poetry?

For what is worth, if any of this resonates with you and you’re feeling embarrassed or angry at all those wasted hours, I think it’s important that we recognize that we didn’t invent this drive for female power through desirability.

This shit is a LEGACY, passed down by our grandmothers, and our grandmother’s grandmothers, from bygone eras in which the only way a woman was ever going to have power of any kind was either to be beautiful enough to be chosen by a man who would provide for and protect her as his wife, or to be desirable enough that he provided and protected her via money in exchange for sex.

A woman in the not-too-distant-past wasn’t allowed to own land, or have her own money, or do basically anything without a man agreeing or doing it for her. So the legacy of female power is seduction, performance, manipulation, being desirable, all in service of ultimately getting a man to do what we want– because that was our only option.

This isn’t new. I am a product of my generation, a child of parents who were a product of their generation, and so on.

Luckily, I live in an era and country in which I am technically allowed to have an enormous amount of authentic power, and to exert my force of will with regard to my finances, business, career, relationships, reproductive rights (…) and more.

I’m grateful to live in a time where we get to examine the fact that women’s lives are being sacrificed to the patriarchy. I’m grateful to be able to discuss how so many female lives are wasted in pursuit of beauty, perfection, and desirability… and what it means that we learn to spend our lives in service of male desire, instead of pursuing our own.

Love and fucking fire, <3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Eliciting Male Desire. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2ICLQjp

[almajonesnjna]

{#TransparentTuesday} Eliciting Male Desire.

I have spent an extraordinary amount of my life learning how to elicit male attention and cultivate male desire.

I started thinking about this recently when I had an important event coming up and my brain immediately informed me of the dozen or so steps I could take to show up for the event looking “maximally attractive” on the day of.

This is because years ago, I memorized the exact step-by-step plans required to maximize my hotness, whether I had 30 minutes, 24 hours, or 3 months… and I can never unlearn them.

I’m not kidding. My extensive knowledge of fitness and nutrition provided me with exact protocols for looking how I wanted to on any given day, plus I learned through extensive trial-and-error how to do the same for my face, hair, skin, clothes, and body language.

For well over a decade of my life, everything revolved around how to look as good as possible, and by that I really mean: how to cultivate as much male attention and desire as possible.

I committed countless hours of research, observation, practice, and analysis to the business of being sexually desirable to men.

You might not know this if you’ve never done this research (and for your sake, I sincerely hope you haven’t), but being sexually desirable is a fuck-ton of work.

There are teeth to be whitened, hair to be blown out, nails to be painted, skin to be exfoliated and moisturized, cheekbones to be contoured, eyelashes to be extended, smiles to be rehearsed, and invisibly flirtatious body language to be mastered.

Starting as a pre-teen, I consciously dedicated myself to this business. I was smart, funny, and talented, but who cares? Anyone can be those things, I though. I wanted to be HOT.

It’s important to note that this wasn’t about capturing the attention of someone I liked, it was about capturing as much male attention as possible. Why? Because it was very clear to me that THIS is the path to power as a woman.

After all, straight men hold all the social power, and straight men bestow their attention on desirable women. The most desirable of those women are then put in a position of controlling these men— of making them beg, or making them do whatever we want.

Men control the world, and if a woman is desirable enough, she can control men. This is simple syllogism, folks: If A controls B and B controls C, then A controls C.

By the time I was 11 years old, I aspired not to be a mother or wife, but a fucking vixen. A Bombshell. A seductress. I aspired to be powerful.

I understood that as a woman, I was in direct competition with other women for the coveted attention of straight men, and that in order to achieve greatness I must prove that I am “better than” other women by being more attractive, more easy-going, and more “ideal” to men in every way.

I am nothing if not driven to succeed.

I dedicated myself to the path, becoming an expert at eliciting male sexual desire, attention, and approval. I learned how to suck my belly in and subtly arch my back, all while maintaining a facial expression that suggested I was happy and relaxed.

I learned how to mirror a man’s body language and cues to make him validated and understood, how to turn “on” my most dazzling charm at will, and how to drop hints into conversation about things like loving blow-jobs.

I learned how to recognize when a man was admiring me, and to aim my body language toward him from across the room; how to laugh and toss my hair to appear carefree, how to pop my hip and arm to draw attention to my body.

I learned how to notice and track a man’s sexual arousal as we chatted, and how to make him feel like the most interesting person on earth.

I still know how to do all these things.

After spending years performing hotness in exchange for male attention, I’m still unlearning how to do it.

Despite the fact that I rejected this whole performance years ago, I still sometimes catch myself sucking my stomach in, and have to consciously relax it, or catch myself performing “carefree” because I know someone is watching me.

The unlearning process has been as purposeful and dedicated as the learning process was.

One by one, I’ve committed to examining and rejecting each habit of performance, in order to break free from the idea that I have to be desirable in order to be worthy or powerful.

I’ve shaved my head, given up makeup and nail polish, relaxed my belly, learned how to be authentic in my interactions with men, and worked really fucking hard to let go of the need be “better” than other women in any way. (Trust me, this is harder than it sounds when you’ve been fed lies about how the ultimate compliment is “you’re not like other girls.”)

I’ve had to undo years of habitual body monitoring, performing, and spectatoring, and re-learn how to feel myself from the inside instead of watching myself from the outside.

Sometimes I wonder…. what isn’t there in my head because I spent so long on the labor of desirability? What could I have pursued with that same time, energy, and passion, if I thought it would have gotten me what I wanted?

French? Carpentry? Slam poetry?

For what is worth, if any of this resonates with you and you’re feeling embarrassed or angry at all those wasted hours, I think it’s important that we recognize that we didn’t invent this drive for female power through desirability.

This shit is a LEGACY, passed down by our grandmothers, and our grandmother’s grandmothers, from bygone eras in which the only way a woman was ever going to have power of any kind was either to be beautiful enough to be chosen by a man who would provide for and protect her as his wife, or to be desirable enough that he provided and protected her via money in exchange for sex.

A woman in the not-too-distant-past wasn’t allowed to own land, or have her own money, or do basically anything without a man agreeing or doing it for her. So the legacy of female power is seduction, performance, manipulation, being desirable, all in service of ultimately getting a man to do what we want– because that was our only option.

This isn’t new. I am a product of my generation, a child of parents who were a product of their generation, and so on.

Luckily, I live in an era and country in which I am technically allowed to have an enormous amount of authentic power, and to exert my force of will with regard to my finances, business, career, relationships, reproductive rights (…) and more.

I’m grateful to live in a time where we get to examine the fact that women’s lives are being sacrificed to the patriarchy. I’m grateful to be able to discuss how so many female lives are wasted in pursuit of beauty, perfection, and desirability… and what it means that we learn to spend our lives in service of male desire, instead of pursuing our own.

Love and fucking fire, <3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Eliciting Male Desire. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2ICLQjp

[joshuabradleyn]

{#TransparentTuesday} Eliciting Male Desire.

I have spent an extraordinary amount of my life learning how to elicit male attention and cultivate male desire.

I started thinking about this recently when I had an important event coming up and my brain immediately informed me of the dozen or so steps I could take to show up for the event looking “maximally attractive” on the day of.

This is because years ago, I memorized the exact step-by-step plans required to maximize my hotness, whether I had 30 minutes, 24 hours, or 3 months… and I can never unlearn them.

I’m not kidding. My extensive knowledge of fitness and nutrition provided me with exact protocols for looking how I wanted to on any given day, plus I learned through extensive trial-and-error how to do the same for my face, hair, skin, clothes, and body language.

For well over a decade of my life, everything revolved around how to look as good as possible, and by that I really mean: how to cultivate as much male attention and desire as possible.

I committed countless hours of research, observation, practice, and analysis to the business of being sexually desirable to men.

You might not know this if you’ve never done this research (and for your sake, I sincerely hope you haven’t), but being sexually desirable is a fuck-ton of work.

There are teeth to be whitened, hair to be blown out, nails to be painted, skin to be exfoliated and moisturized, cheekbones to be contoured, eyelashes to be extended, smiles to be rehearsed, and invisibly flirtatious body language to be mastered.

Starting as a pre-teen, I consciously dedicated myself to this business. I was smart, funny, and talented, but who cares? Anyone can be those things, I though. I wanted to be HOT.

It’s important to note that this wasn’t about capturing the attention of someone I liked, it was about capturing as much male attention as possible. Why? Because it was very clear to me that THIS is the path to power as a woman.

After all, straight men hold all the social power, and straight men bestow their attention on desirable women. The most desirable of those women are then put in a position of controlling these men— of making them beg, or making them do whatever we want.

Men control the world, and if a woman is desirable enough, she can control men. This is simple syllogism, folks: If A controls B and B controls C, then A controls C.

By the time I was 11 years old, I aspired not to be a mother or wife, but a fucking vixen. A Bombshell. A seductress. I aspired to be powerful.

I understood that as a woman, I was in direct competition with other women for the coveted attention of straight men, and that in order to achieve greatness I must prove that I am “better than” other women by being more attractive, more easy-going, and more “ideal” to men in every way.

I am nothing if not driven to succeed.

I dedicated myself to the path, becoming an expert at eliciting male sexual desire, attention, and approval. I learned how to suck my belly in and subtly arch my back, all while maintaining a facial expression that suggested I was happy and relaxed.

I learned how to mirror a man’s body language and cues to make him validated and understood, how to turn “on” my most dazzling charm at will, and how to drop hints into conversation about things like loving blow-jobs.

I learned how to recognize when a man was admiring me, and to aim my body language toward him from across the room; how to laugh and toss my hair to appear carefree, how to pop my hip and arm to draw attention to my body.

I learned how to notice and track a man’s sexual arousal as we chatted, and how to make him feel like the most interesting person on earth.

I still know how to do all these things.

After spending years performing hotness in exchange for male attention, I’m still unlearning how to do it.

Despite the fact that I rejected this whole performance years ago, I still sometimes catch myself sucking my stomach in, and have to consciously relax it, or catch myself performing “carefree” because I know someone is watching me.

The unlearning process has been as purposeful and dedicated as the learning process was.

One by one, I’ve committed to examining and rejecting each habit of performance, in order to break free from the idea that I have to be desirable in order to be worthy or powerful.

I’ve shaved my head, given up makeup and nail polish, relaxed my belly, learned how to be authentic in my interactions with men, and worked really fucking hard to let go of the need be “better” than other women in any way. (Trust me, this is harder than it sounds when you’ve been fed lies about how the ultimate compliment is “you’re not like other girls.”)

I’ve had to undo years of habitual body monitoring, performing, and spectatoring, and re-learn how to feel myself from the inside instead of watching myself from the outside.

Sometimes I wonder…. what isn’t there in my head because I spent so long on the labor of desirability? What could I have pursued with that same time, energy, and passion, if I thought it would have gotten me what I wanted?

French? Carpentry? Slam poetry?

For what is worth, if any of this resonates with you and you’re feeling embarrassed or angry at all those wasted hours, I think it’s important that we recognize that we didn’t invent this drive for female power through desirability.

This shit is a LEGACY, passed down by our grandmothers, and our grandmother’s grandmothers, from bygone eras in which the only way a woman was ever going to have power of any kind was either to be beautiful enough to be chosen by a man who would provide for and protect her as his wife, or to be desirable enough that he provided and protected her via money in exchange for sex.

A woman in the not-too-distant-past wasn’t allowed to own land, or have her own money, or do basically anything without a man agreeing or doing it for her. So the legacy of female power is seduction, performance, manipulation, being desirable, all in service of ultimately getting a man to do what we want– because that was our only option.

This isn’t new. I am a product of my generation, a child of parents who were a product of their generation, and so on.

Luckily, I live in an era and country in which I am technically allowed to have an enormous amount of authentic power, and to exert my force of will with regard to my finances, business, career, relationships, reproductive rights (…) and more.

I’m grateful to live in a time where we get to examine the fact that women’s lives are being sacrificed to the patriarchy. I’m grateful to be able to discuss how so many female lives are wasted in pursuit of beauty, perfection, and desirability… and what it means that we learn to spend our lives in service of male desire, instead of pursuing our own.

Love and fucking fire, <3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Eliciting Male Desire. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2ICLQjp

[albertcaldwellne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Eliciting Male Desire.

I have spent an extraordinary amount of my life learning how to elicit male attention and cultivate male desire.

I started thinking about this recently when I had an important event coming up and my brain immediately informed me of the dozen or so steps I could take to show up for the event looking “maximally attractive” on the day of.

This is because years ago, I memorized the exact step-by-step plans required to maximize my hotness, whether I had 30 minutes, 24 hours, or 3 months… and I can never unlearn them.

I’m not kidding. My extensive knowledge of fitness and nutrition provided me with exact protocols for looking how I wanted to on any given day, plus I learned through extensive trial-and-error how to do the same for my face, hair, skin, clothes, and body language.

For well over a decade of my life, everything revolved around how to look as good as possible, and by that I really mean: how to cultivate as much male attention and desire as possible.

I committed countless hours of research, observation, practice, and analysis to the business of being sexually desirable to men.

You might not know this if you’ve never done this research (and for your sake, I sincerely hope you haven’t), but being sexually desirable is a fuck-ton of work.

There are teeth to be whitened, hair to be blown out, nails to be painted, skin to be exfoliated and moisturized, cheekbones to be contoured, eyelashes to be extended, smiles to be rehearsed, and invisibly flirtatious body language to be mastered.

Starting as a pre-teen, I consciously dedicated myself to this business. I was smart, funny, and talented, but who cares? Anyone can be those things, I though. I wanted to be HOT.

It’s important to note that this wasn’t about capturing the attention of someone I liked, it was about capturing as much male attention as possible. Why? Because it was very clear to me that THIS is the path to power as a woman.

After all, straight men hold all the social power, and straight men bestow their attention on desirable women. The most desirable of those women are then put in a position of controlling these men— of making them beg, or making them do whatever we want.

Men control the world, and if a woman is desirable enough, she can control men. This is simple syllogism, folks: If A controls B and B controls C, then A controls C.

By the time I was 11 years old, I aspired not to be a mother or wife, but a fucking vixen. A Bombshell. A seductress. I aspired to be powerful.

I understood that as a woman, I was in direct competition with other women for the coveted attention of straight men, and that in order to achieve greatness I must prove that I am “better than” other women by being more attractive, more easy-going, and more “ideal” to men in every way.

I am nothing if not driven to succeed.

I dedicated myself to the path, becoming an expert at eliciting male sexual desire, attention, and approval. I learned how to suck my belly in and subtly arch my back, all while maintaining a facial expression that suggested I was happy and relaxed.

I learned how to mirror a man’s body language and cues to make him validated and understood, how to turn “on” my most dazzling charm at will, and how to drop hints into conversation about things like loving blow-jobs.

I learned how to recognize when a man was admiring me, and to aim my body language toward him from across the room; how to laugh and toss my hair to appear carefree, how to pop my hip and arm to draw attention to my body.

I learned how to notice and track a man’s sexual arousal as we chatted, and how to make him feel like the most interesting person on earth.

I still know how to do all these things.

After spending years performing hotness in exchange for male attention, I’m still unlearning how to do it.

Despite the fact that I rejected this whole performance years ago, I still sometimes catch myself sucking my stomach in, and have to consciously relax it, or catch myself performing “carefree” because I know someone is watching me.

The unlearning process has been as purposeful and dedicated as the learning process was.

One by one, I’ve committed to examining and rejecting each habit of performance, in order to break free from the idea that I have to be desirable in order to be worthy or powerful.

I’ve shaved my head, given up makeup and nail polish, relaxed my belly, learned how to be authentic in my interactions with men, and worked really fucking hard to let go of the need be “better” than other women in any way. (Trust me, this is harder than it sounds when you’ve been fed lies about how the ultimate compliment is “you’re not like other girls.”)

I’ve had to undo years of habitual body monitoring, performing, and spectatoring, and re-learn how to feel myself from the inside instead of watching myself from the outside.

Sometimes I wonder…. what isn’t there in my head because I spent so long on the labor of desirability? What could I have pursued with that same time, energy, and passion, if I thought it would have gotten me what I wanted?

French? Carpentry? Slam poetry?

For what is worth, if any of this resonates with you and you’re feeling embarrassed or angry at all those wasted hours, I think it’s important that we recognize that we didn’t invent this drive for female power through desirability.

This shit is a LEGACY, passed down by our grandmothers, and our grandmother’s grandmothers, from bygone eras in which the only way a woman was ever going to have power of any kind was either to be beautiful enough to be chosen by a man who would provide for and protect her as his wife, or to be desirable enough that he provided and protected her via money in exchange for sex.

A woman in the not-too-distant-past wasn’t allowed to own land, or have her own money, or do basically anything without a man agreeing or doing it for her. So the legacy of female power is seduction, performance, manipulation, being desirable, all in service of ultimately getting a man to do what we want– because that was our only option.

This isn’t new. I am a product of my generation, a child of parents who were a product of their generation, and so on.

Luckily, I live in an era and country in which I am technically allowed to have an enormous amount of authentic power, and to exert my force of will with regard to my finances, business, career, relationships, reproductive rights (…) and more.

I’m grateful to live in a time where we get to examine the fact that women’s lives are being sacrificed to the patriarchy. I’m grateful to be able to discuss how so many female lives are wasted in pursuit of beauty, perfection, and desirability… and what it means that we learn to spend our lives in service of male desire, instead of pursuing our own.

Love and fucking fire, <3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Eliciting Male Desire. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2ICLQjp

[neilmillerne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor.

I recently spent a few hours with a dear friend who was in town, and we got onto the topic of relationships.

My friend never ceases to astonish me with his wisdom and thoughtfulness, and I found myself understanding a big topic with absolute clarity for the first time.

At one point, I actually wanted to stop and take notes.

The topic was something I have both experienced personally, and in my coaching practice, about the growing pains in a relationship when you shift from assessing your partner simply as a human (amazing! sexy! perfect!) to assessing them as your future life partner (too messy! workaholic! their family is bad shit crazy!).

Here’s the gist of my friend’s message:

In the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy to be accommodating and accepting. While wearing your lust-and-optimism new-relationship goggles, you can see your partner’s behaviors in a very flattering and forgiving light. Sure, you might hear a little voice telling you that this particular behavior wouldn’t work for you in the long term, but you don’t say anything, because it’s not a big deal right now.

But then later on, when those new-relationship goggles come off, and you’re planning a future together, you might suddenly realize that there’s a ton of shit you wish was different, but your partner doesn’t know this. So you start telling them– hey this doesn’t work for me. Hey, that needs to change. Hey, I need you to do this differently.

Your partner is shocked, and offended. Things were good enough before, after all. What changed? The relationship has been fine and easy, and they don’t *want* to do all that work now.

Does any of this resonate for you?

It sure as fuck did for me.

I was struck too by the understanding that women need to learn how to assert their needs and desires right from the beginning of a relationship. While this could apply to any gender, and any type of relationship, this seems to me to be most salient among women who are in relationships with men.

In general, given the programming we learn as girls and women (to be happy, nice, polite, pretty, small, and giving) it makes sense that so many women enter new relationships with men with the goal of making themselves “easy to love.”

Typically this means not asking for much from our partners, accepting them however they show up, and just being grateful to be chosen.

In the early days, we typically try really hard to play it cool, and be laidback and casual, in order to not scare our partners off. We hide our emotional ups and downs, we hide how messy and needy we are, we hide what we really want, and we try to just be grateful that we “found a good one.”

Worse still, many women pride themselves on being “different than other girls,” meaning we demand even less from our partners, we express even fewer needs, we hide even more of our feelings… and we’re proud of it.

The problem is that “making things easy” on your partner in the beginning is a sure-fire way to end up unhappy.

Our male partners get used to relationships being suuuppper easy and undemanding, and after a while he may be perfectly content with how things are, while we have a list a mile long of our unmet needs.

Many men might try to convince you that the problem is you– that you’re too demanding, or too needy, or you’re overreacting, or you just “need to relax.”

Other men would be devastated, and unable to handle hearing all the ways they’re making you unhappy without feeling like you were attacking their personal character.

But this isn’t about you, and you don’t need to “relax.” It’s not even about him, or his personal failings.

Trust me, this is much bigger than that.

This is about the roles we are taught to play in heteronormative relationships, and who those roles benefit (hint: it’s not women).

Can you imagine if, overnight, every single woman agreed to be 100% honest and upfront about her expectations, desires, and demands in her relationship from now on?

At first, I suspect there would be a lot of breakups.

Most men would be like UMMMM THIS IS ANNOYING, I’VE NEVER HAD TO WORK THIS HARD AND I DON’T LIKE IT.

That’s because most women would demand more emotional labor, more emotional intelligence, more foreplay and sensual sex, and more of the other stuff we have all taught men they don’t need to do, in order to come off as easy and laidback and likeable.

“It’s true what they say about women: Women are insatiable. We are greedy. Our appetites do need to be controlled if things are to stay in place. If the world were ours too, if we believed we could get away with it, we would ask for more love, more sex, more money, more commitment to children, more food, more care. These sexual, emotional, and physical demands would begin to extend to social demands: payment for care of the elderly, parental leave, childcare, etc. The force of female desire would be so great that society would truly have to reckon with what women want, in bed and in the world.”

-Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

Here’s the thing though.

If every single woman agreed to be upfront about her desires and demands, then after all those early breakups occurred with the men going off in search of “easier” relationships, they would all eventually discover that there was no such thing.

Can you imagine if we all held men accountable for recognizing and dismantling their own privilege, for examining and healing their own traumas, gender role expectations, and personal narratives? If we held them accountable for recognizing and communicating what they were feeling, and for showing up to do exactly half of the emotional labor in every relationship?

Most relationships would look shockingly different, and this hypothetical change would likely feel terribly unfair to men at first.

After all, for thousands and thousands of years, we have taught them that it’s totally ok for them not to do any of that, that they get a free pass because it’s “not in their nature.” (False.)

We have taught them that we women will take responsibility for most (if not all) of the emotional labor so that he can have a good life with lots of connections. We’ll remind him to call his mother on her birthday, bring up problems in our relationships that he “didn’t know how to talk about,” and keeps lists and schedules in our heads about everything that needs to be done to run a household and maintain strong connections to our friends, family, and communities.

It’s no wonder marriage disproportionately benefits men.

We’ve taught men that they don’t need to work hard to learn these skills, they don’t need to really listen to us or take our needs (or feelings) seriously, and they don’t have to change or better themselves.

We’ve even taught men that we’ll agree with them about how difficult/crazy/emotional/needy we’re being… and apologize for it.

So what do we do?

Well for a start,

what if we stopped praising men for doing tiny fractions of the emotional labor in their relationships?

What if we stopped thanking men for tolerating or “handling” our emotions?

What if we stopped applauding every time a man is an active father, does chores at home, talks about his feelings, or sacrifices career success for his family, the way women have been doing for centuries?

What if we demanded that all this (and more) became a baseline of expectation, rather than a reason to celebrate?

This might sounds crazy (and you might be freaking out imagining being even more difficult or demanding in your relationship) but the point is that eventually there would be a shift.

With an “easy relationship” taken off the table, the only option for men would be to step up and learn how to navigate the “difficult” part of a relationship.

Perhaps you’re sitting there thinking “but men just aren’t good at that stuff!”

I hear this excuse a lot, that men and women are just born with different strengths. The same argument has, until very recently, been used to justify men cheating, raping, and sexually assaulting women.

This same line of thinking has also been used to oppress women by saying that we are the more naturally virtuous and chaste gender. (Again giving men a free pass to be sexual and misbehave, while leaving the work of getting everyone to be “good” to whom? Women.)

I don’t buy this.

Yes, men and women are different, but a lot of this stuff is the result of social conditioning, gender role expectations, and unexamined privilege. Rather than lacking some biological gift, all men are lacking is practice and motivation.

(Wow this email really turned into a rant.)

In summary:

We must not allow our male partners to get away with having “easy” relationships, for fear of chasing them away. We must find ways to challenge these deeply ingrained gender roles around emotional labor, and loudly voice our expectations, desires, and needs from day one.

I don’t want an “easy” relationship, and I don’t want to live in a world where we are teaching men that an easy relationship is even an option.

We all deserve better than that, my sweet sisters.

If we all start demanding more, the men will eventually catch up.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://ift.tt/2ibHaJE

[joshuabradleyn]

{#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor.

I recently spent a few hours with a dear friend who was in town, and we got onto the topic of relationships.

My friend never ceases to astonish me with his wisdom and thoughtfulness, and I found myself understanding a big topic with absolute clarity for the first time.

At one point, I actually wanted to stop and take notes.

The topic was something I have both experienced personally, and in my coaching practice, about the growing pains in a relationship when you shift from assessing your partner simply as a human (amazing! sexy! perfect!) to assessing them as your future life partner (too messy! workaholic! their family is bad shit crazy!).

Here’s the gist of my friend’s message:

In the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy to be accommodating and accepting. While wearing your lust-and-optimism new-relationship goggles, you can see your partner’s behaviors in a very flattering and forgiving light. Sure, you might hear a little voice telling you that this particular behavior wouldn’t work for you in the long term, but you don’t say anything, because it’s not a big deal right now.

But then later on, when those new-relationship goggles come off, and you’re planning a future together, you might suddenly realize that there’s a ton of shit you wish was different, but your partner doesn’t know this. So you start telling them– hey this doesn’t work for me. Hey, that needs to change. Hey, I need you to do this differently.

Your partner is shocked, and offended. Things were good enough before, after all. What changed? The relationship has been fine and easy, and they don’t *want* to do all that work now.

Does any of this resonate for you?

It sure as fuck did for me.

I was struck too by the understanding that women need to learn how to assert their needs and desires right from the beginning of a relationship. While this could apply to any gender, and any type of relationship, this seems to me to be most salient among women who are in relationships with men.

In general, given the programming we learn as girls and women (to be happy, nice, polite, pretty, small, and giving) it makes sense that so many women enter new relationships with men with the goal of making themselves “easy to love.”

Typically this means not asking for much from our partners, accepting them however they show up, and just being grateful to be chosen.

In the early days, we typically try really hard to play it cool, and be laidback and casual, in order to not scare our partners off. We hide our emotional ups and downs, we hide how messy and needy we are, we hide what we really want, and we try to just be grateful that we “found a good one.”

Worse still, many women pride themselves on being “different than other girls,” meaning we demand even less from our partners, we express even fewer needs, we hide even more of our feelings… and we’re proud of it.

The problem is that “making things easy” on your partner in the beginning is a sure-fire way to end up unhappy.

Our male partners get used to relationships being suuuppper easy and undemanding, and after a while he may be perfectly content with how things are, while we have a list a mile long of our unmet needs.

Many men might try to convince you that the problem is you– that you’re too demanding, or too needy, or you’re overreacting, or you just “need to relax.”

Other men would be devastated, and unable to handle hearing all the ways they’re making you unhappy without feeling like you were attacking their personal character.

But this isn’t about you, and you don’t need to “relax.” It’s not even about him, or his personal failings.

Trust me, this is much bigger than that.

This is about the roles we are taught to play in heteronormative relationships, and who those roles benefit (hint: it’s not women).

Can you imagine if, overnight, every single woman agreed to be 100% honest and upfront about her expectations, desires, and demands in her relationship from now on?

At first, I suspect there would be a lot of breakups.

Most men would be like UMMMM THIS IS ANNOYING, I’VE NEVER HAD TO WORK THIS HARD AND I DON’T LIKE IT.

That’s because most women would demand more emotional labor, more emotional intelligence, more foreplay and sensual sex, and more of the other stuff we have all taught men they don’t need to do, in order to come off as easy and laidback and likeable.

“It’s true what they say about women: Women are insatiable. We are greedy. Our appetites do need to be controlled if things are to stay in place. If the world were ours too, if we believed we could get away with it, we would ask for more love, more sex, more money, more commitment to children, more food, more care. These sexual, emotional, and physical demands would begin to extend to social demands: payment for care of the elderly, parental leave, childcare, etc. The force of female desire would be so great that society would truly have to reckon with what women want, in bed and in the world.”

-Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

Here’s the thing though.

If every single woman agreed to be upfront about her desires and demands, then after all those early breakups occurred with the men going off in search of “easier” relationships, they would all eventually discover that there was no such thing.

Can you imagine if we all held men accountable for recognizing and dismantling their own privilege, for examining and healing their own traumas, gender role expectations, and personal narratives? If we held them accountable for recognizing and communicating what they were feeling, and for showing up to do exactly half of the emotional labor in every relationship?

Most relationships would look shockingly different, and this hypothetical change would likely feel terribly unfair to men at first.

After all, for thousands and thousands of years, we have taught them that it’s totally ok for them not to do any of that, that they get a free pass because it’s “not in their nature.” (False.)

We have taught them that we women will take responsibility for most (if not all) of the emotional labor so that he can have a good life with lots of connections. We’ll remind him to call his mother on her birthday, bring up problems in our relationships that he “didn’t know how to talk about,” and keeps lists and schedules in our heads about everything that needs to be done to run a household and maintain strong connections to our friends, family, and communities.

It’s no wonder marriage disproportionately benefits men.

We’ve taught men that they don’t need to work hard to learn these skills, they don’t need to really listen to us or take our needs (or feelings) seriously, and they don’t have to change or better themselves.

We’ve even taught men that we’ll agree with them about how difficult/crazy/emotional/needy we’re being… and apologize for it.

So what do we do?

Well for a start,

what if we stopped praising men for doing tiny fractions of the emotional labor in their relationships?

What if we stopped thanking men for tolerating or “handling” our emotions?

What if we stopped applauding every time a man is an active father, does chores at home, talks about his feelings, or sacrifices career success for his family, the way women have been doing for centuries?

What if we demanded that all this (and more) became a baseline of expectation, rather than a reason to celebrate?

This might sounds crazy (and you might be freaking out imagining being even more difficult or demanding in your relationship) but the point is that eventually there would be a shift.

With an “easy relationship” taken off the table, the only option for men would be to step up and learn how to navigate the “difficult” part of a relationship.

Perhaps you’re sitting there thinking “but men just aren’t good at that stuff!”

I hear this excuse a lot, that men and women are just born with different strengths. The same argument has, until very recently, been used to justify men cheating, raping, and sexually assaulting women.

This same line of thinking has also been used to oppress women by saying that we are the more naturally virtuous and chaste gender. (Again giving men a free pass to be sexual and misbehave, while leaving the work of getting everyone to be “good” to whom? Women.)

I don’t buy this.

Yes, men and women are different, but a lot of this stuff is the result of social conditioning, gender role expectations, and unexamined privilege. Rather than lacking some biological gift, all men are lacking is practice and motivation.

(Wow this email really turned into a rant.)

In summary:

We must not allow our male partners to get away with having “easy” relationships, for fear of chasing them away. We must find ways to challenge these deeply ingrained gender roles around emotional labor, and loudly voice our expectations, desires, and needs from day one.

I don’t want an “easy” relationship, and I don’t want to live in a world where we are teaching men that an easy relationship is even an option.

We all deserve better than that, my sweet sisters.

If we all start demanding more, the men will eventually catch up.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://ift.tt/2ibHaJE

[ruthellisneda]

{#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor.

I recently spent a few hours with a dear friend who was in town, and we got onto the topic of relationships.

My friend never ceases to astonish me with his wisdom and thoughtfulness, and I found myself understanding a big topic with absolute clarity for the first time.

At one point, I actually wanted to stop and take notes.

The topic was something I have both experienced personally, and in my coaching practice, about the growing pains in a relationship when you shift from assessing your partner simply as a human (amazing! sexy! perfect!) to assessing them as your future life partner (too messy! workaholic! their family is bad shit crazy!).

Here’s the gist of my friend’s message:

In the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy to be accommodating and accepting. While wearing your lust-and-optimism new-relationship goggles, you can see your partner’s behaviors in a very flattering and forgiving light. Sure, you might hear a little voice telling you that this particular behavior wouldn’t work for you in the long term, but you don’t say anything, because it’s not a big deal right now.

But then later on, when those new-relationship goggles come off, and you’re planning a future together, you might suddenly realize that there’s a ton of shit you wish was different, but your partner doesn’t know this. So you start telling them– hey this doesn’t work for me. Hey, that needs to change. Hey, I need you to do this differently.

Your partner is shocked, and offended. Things were good enough before, after all. What changed? The relationship has been fine and easy, and they don’t *want* to do all that work now.

Does any of this resonate for you?

It sure as fuck did for me.

I was struck too by the understanding that women need to learn how to assert their needs and desires right from the beginning of a relationship. While this could apply to any gender, and any type of relationship, this seems to me to be most salient among women who are in relationships with men.

In general, given the programming we learn as girls and women (to be happy, nice, polite, pretty, small, and giving) it makes sense that so many women enter new relationships with men with the goal of making themselves “easy to love.”

Typically this means not asking for much from our partners, accepting them however they show up, and just being grateful to be chosen.

In the early days, we typically try really hard to play it cool, and be laidback and casual, in order to not scare our partners off. We hide our emotional ups and downs, we hide how messy and needy we are, we hide what we really want, and we try to just be grateful that we “found a good one.”

Worse still, many women pride themselves on being “different than other girls,” meaning we demand even less from our partners, we express even fewer needs, we hide even more of our feelings… and we’re proud of it.

The problem is that “making things easy” on your partner in the beginning is a sure-fire way to end up unhappy.

Our male partners get used to relationships being suuuppper easy and undemanding, and after a while he may be perfectly content with how things are, while we have a list a mile long of our unmet needs.

Many men might try to convince you that the problem is you– that you’re too demanding, or too needy, or you’re overreacting, or you just “need to relax.”

Other men would be devastated, and unable to handle hearing all the ways they’re making you unhappy without feeling like you were attacking their personal character.

But this isn’t about you, and you don’t need to “relax.” It’s not even about him, or his personal failings.

Trust me, this is much bigger than that.

This is about the roles we are taught to play in heteronormative relationships, and who those roles benefit (hint: it’s not women).

Can you imagine if, overnight, every single woman agreed to be 100% honest and upfront about her expectations, desires, and demands in her relationship from now on?

At first, I suspect there would be a lot of breakups.

Most men would be like UMMMM THIS IS ANNOYING, I’VE NEVER HAD TO WORK THIS HARD AND I DON’T LIKE IT.

That’s because most women would demand more emotional labor, more emotional intelligence, more foreplay and sensual sex, and more of the other stuff we have all taught men they don’t need to do, in order to come off as easy and laidback and likeable.

“It’s true what they say about women: Women are insatiable. We are greedy. Our appetites do need to be controlled if things are to stay in place. If the world were ours too, if we believed we could get away with it, we would ask for more love, more sex, more money, more commitment to children, more food, more care. These sexual, emotional, and physical demands would begin to extend to social demands: payment for care of the elderly, parental leave, childcare, etc. The force of female desire would be so great that society would truly have to reckon with what women want, in bed and in the world.”

-Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

Here’s the thing though.

If every single woman agreed to be upfront about her desires and demands, then after all those early breakups occurred with the men going off in search of “easier” relationships, they would all eventually discover that there was no such thing.

Can you imagine if we all held men accountable for recognizing and dismantling their own privilege, for examining and healing their own traumas, gender role expectations, and personal narratives? If we held them accountable for recognizing and communicating what they were feeling, and for showing up to do exactly half of the emotional labor in every relationship?

Most relationships would look shockingly different, and this hypothetical change would likely feel terribly unfair to men at first.

After all, for thousands and thousands of years, we have taught them that it’s totally ok for them not to do any of that, that they get a free pass because it’s “not in their nature.” (False.)

We have taught them that we women will take responsibility for most (if not all) of the emotional labor so that he can have a good life with lots of connections. We’ll remind him to call his mother on her birthday, bring up problems in our relationships that he “didn’t know how to talk about,” and keeps lists and schedules in our heads about everything that needs to be done to run a household and maintain strong connections to our friends, family, and communities.

It’s no wonder marriage disproportionately benefits men.

We’ve taught men that they don’t need to work hard to learn these skills, they don’t need to really listen to us or take our needs (or feelings) seriously, and they don’t have to change or better themselves.

We’ve even taught men that we’ll agree with them about how difficult/crazy/emotional/needy we’re being… and apologize for it.

So what do we do?

Well for a start,

what if we stopped praising men for doing tiny fractions of the emotional labor in their relationships?

What if we stopped thanking men for tolerating or “handling” our emotions?

What if we stopped applauding every time a man is an active father, does chores at home, talks about his feelings, or sacrifices career success for his family, the way women have been doing for centuries?

What if we demanded that all this (and more) became a baseline of expectation, rather than a reason to celebrate?

This might sounds crazy (and you might be freaking out imagining being even more difficult or demanding in your relationship) but the point is that eventually there would be a shift.

With an “easy relationship” taken off the table, the only option for men would be to step up and learn how to navigate the “difficult” part of a relationship.

Perhaps you’re sitting there thinking “but men just aren’t good at that stuff!”

I hear this excuse a lot, that men and women are just born with different strengths. The same argument has, until very recently, been used to justify men cheating, raping, and sexually assaulting women.

This same line of thinking has also been used to oppress women by saying that we are the more naturally virtuous and chaste gender. (Again giving men a free pass to be sexual and misbehave, while leaving the work of getting everyone to be “good” to whom? Women.)

I don’t buy this.

Yes, men and women are different, but a lot of this stuff is the result of social conditioning, gender role expectations, and unexamined privilege. Rather than lacking some biological gift, all men are lacking is practice and motivation.

(Wow this email really turned into a rant.)

In summary:

We must not allow our male partners to get away with having “easy” relationships, for fear of chasing them away. We must find ways to challenge these deeply ingrained gender roles around emotional labor, and loudly voice our expectations, desires, and needs from day one.

I don’t want an “easy” relationship, and I don’t want to live in a world where we are teaching men that an easy relationship is even an option.

We all deserve better than that, my sweet sisters.

If we all start demanding more, the men will eventually catch up.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://ift.tt/2ibHaJE

[almajonesnjna]

{#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor.

I recently spent a few hours with a dear friend who was in town, and we got onto the topic of relationships.

My friend never ceases to astonish me with his wisdom and thoughtfulness, and I found myself understanding a big topic with absolute clarity for the first time.

At one point, I actually wanted to stop and take notes.

The topic was something I have both experienced personally, and in my coaching practice, about the growing pains in a relationship when you shift from assessing your partner simply as a human (amazing! sexy! perfect!) to assessing them as your future life partner (too messy! workaholic! their family is bad shit crazy!).

Here’s the gist of my friend’s message:

In the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy to be accommodating and accepting. While wearing your lust-and-optimism new-relationship goggles, you can see your partner’s behaviors in a very flattering and forgiving light. Sure, you might hear a little voice telling you that this particular behavior wouldn’t work for you in the long term, but you don’t say anything, because it’s not a big deal right now.

But then later on, when those new-relationship goggles come off, and you’re planning a future together, you might suddenly realize that there’s a ton of shit you wish was different, but your partner doesn’t know this. So you start telling them– hey this doesn’t work for me. Hey, that needs to change. Hey, I need you to do this differently.

Your partner is shocked, and offended. Things were good enough before, after all. What changed? The relationship has been fine and easy, and they don’t *want* to do all that work now.

Does any of this resonate for you?

It sure as fuck did for me.

I was struck too by the understanding that women need to learn how to assert their needs and desires right from the beginning of a relationship. While this could apply to any gender, and any type of relationship, this seems to me to be most salient among women who are in relationships with men.

In general, given the programming we learn as girls and women (to be happy, nice, polite, pretty, small, and giving) it makes sense that so many women enter new relationships with men with the goal of making themselves “easy to love.”

Typically this means not asking for much from our partners, accepting them however they show up, and just being grateful to be chosen.

In the early days, we typically try really hard to play it cool, and be laidback and casual, in order to not scare our partners off. We hide our emotional ups and downs, we hide how messy and needy we are, we hide what we really want, and we try to just be grateful that we “found a good one.”

Worse still, many women pride themselves on being “different than other girls,” meaning we demand even less from our partners, we express even fewer needs, we hide even more of our feelings… and we’re proud of it.

The problem is that “making things easy” on your partner in the beginning is a sure-fire way to end up unhappy.

Our male partners get used to relationships being suuuppper easy and undemanding, and after a while he may be perfectly content with how things are, while we have a list a mile long of our unmet needs.

Many men might try to convince you that the problem is you– that you’re too demanding, or too needy, or you’re overreacting, or you just “need to relax.”

Other men would be devastated, and unable to handle hearing all the ways they’re making you unhappy without feeling like you were attacking their personal character.

But this isn’t about you, and you don’t need to “relax.” It’s not even about him, or his personal failings.

Trust me, this is much bigger than that.

This is about the roles we are taught to play in heteronormative relationships, and who those roles benefit (hint: it’s not women).

Can you imagine if, overnight, every single woman agreed to be 100% honest and upfront about her expectations, desires, and demands in her relationship from now on?

At first, I suspect there would be a lot of breakups.

Most men would be like UMMMM THIS IS ANNOYING, I’VE NEVER HAD TO WORK THIS HARD AND I DON’T LIKE IT.

That’s because most women would demand more emotional labor, more emotional intelligence, more foreplay and sensual sex, and more of the other stuff we have all taught men they don’t need to do, in order to come off as easy and laidback and likeable.

“It’s true what they say about women: Women are insatiable. We are greedy. Our appetites do need to be controlled if things are to stay in place. If the world were ours too, if we believed we could get away with it, we would ask for more love, more sex, more money, more commitment to children, more food, more care. These sexual, emotional, and physical demands would begin to extend to social demands: payment for care of the elderly, parental leave, childcare, etc. The force of female desire would be so great that society would truly have to reckon with what women want, in bed and in the world.”

-Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

Here’s the thing though.

If every single woman agreed to be upfront about her desires and demands, then after all those early breakups occurred with the men going off in search of “easier” relationships, they would all eventually discover that there was no such thing.

Can you imagine if we all held men accountable for recognizing and dismantling their own privilege, for examining and healing their own traumas, gender role expectations, and personal narratives? If we held them accountable for recognizing and communicating what they were feeling, and for showing up to do exactly half of the emotional labor in every relationship?

Most relationships would look shockingly different, and this hypothetical change would likely feel terribly unfair to men at first.

After all, for thousands and thousands of years, we have taught them that it’s totally ok for them not to do any of that, that they get a free pass because it’s “not in their nature.” (False.)

We have taught them that we women will take responsibility for most (if not all) of the emotional labor so that he can have a good life with lots of connections. We’ll remind him to call his mother on her birthday, bring up problems in our relationships that he “didn’t know how to talk about,” and keeps lists and schedules in our heads about everything that needs to be done to run a household and maintain strong connections to our friends, family, and communities.

It’s no wonder marriage disproportionately benefits men.

We’ve taught men that they don’t need to work hard to learn these skills, they don’t need to really listen to us or take our needs (or feelings) seriously, and they don’t have to change or better themselves.

We’ve even taught men that we’ll agree with them about how difficult/crazy/emotional/needy we’re being… and apologize for it.

So what do we do?

Well for a start,

what if we stopped praising men for doing tiny fractions of the emotional labor in their relationships?

What if we stopped thanking men for tolerating or “handling” our emotions?

What if we stopped applauding every time a man is an active father, does chores at home, talks about his feelings, or sacrifices career success for his family, the way women have been doing for centuries?

What if we demanded that all this (and more) became a baseline of expectation, rather than a reason to celebrate?

This might sounds crazy (and you might be freaking out imagining being even more difficult or demanding in your relationship) but the point is that eventually there would be a shift.

With an “easy relationship” taken off the table, the only option for men would be to step up and learn how to navigate the “difficult” part of a relationship.

Perhaps you’re sitting there thinking “but men just aren’t good at that stuff!”

I hear this excuse a lot, that men and women are just born with different strengths. The same argument has, until very recently, been used to justify men cheating, raping, and sexually assaulting women.

This same line of thinking has also been used to oppress women by saying that we are the more naturally virtuous and chaste gender. (Again giving men a free pass to be sexual and misbehave, while leaving the work of getting everyone to be “good” to whom? Women.)

I don’t buy this.

Yes, men and women are different, but a lot of this stuff is the result of social conditioning, gender role expectations, and unexamined privilege. Rather than lacking some biological gift, all men are lacking is practice and motivation.

(Wow this email really turned into a rant.)

In summary:

We must not allow our male partners to get away with having “easy” relationships, for fear of chasing them away. We must find ways to challenge these deeply ingrained gender roles around emotional labor, and loudly voice our expectations, desires, and needs from day one.

I don’t want an “easy” relationship, and I don’t want to live in a world where we are teaching men that an easy relationship is even an option.

We all deserve better than that, my sweet sisters.

If we all start demanding more, the men will eventually catch up.

<3

Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Emotional labor. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://ift.tt/2ibHaJE