#{Both of them are adorable & I’m certified obsessed.}

[replicantdeviancy]

The feeling of the older man’s hand intertwined with his own from across the table, lean fingers laced with his own slender digits, was such an unexpected comfort to the younger man, one rarely experienced in his handful of years on earth. James was warm, just a little warmer than Connor himself, who always ran a bit cooler than most. Perpetually chilled hands sought out the timid relief of body heat, & Connor was no exception. He played with the thought that his handsome priest might be quite useful as the hot days of early fall drifted into the frigid winter months. If the man was keen to stick around, that was - Michigan winters were something else, entirely. But if he decided to stay for any length of time, if it were at all possible, the detective wanted to believe that they would remain close. He pictured little outings & small couples adventures in the snow. Maybe they would steal a weekend away up north, up near Portage Lake, taking in the beauty of nature together. It felt fanciful, but in the moment Connor wanted to hold onto these premonitions of things which had not & may never come to pass, as he remained inexplicably drawn.

Perhaps not so inexplicable - they seemed to be a similar type of witty devil, they themselves deviant by the nature of their striking intellect. James mused in passive jest over how he was something of an acquired taste, confirming the detective’s suspicions of him & his social standing amongst his peers. It drew a knowing laugh of amusement from Connor, who was perfectly aware that he, too, was something of a niche preference. Another commonality between two men who were strangers only hours ago, now lost in one another. “I agree - it's a shame that your charms aren’t better appreciated,” Connor quipped, his dusky voice warm with a thoughtfulness, while his lips smirked delicately, just a little sultry. “But, I'm also grateful that you're such an acquired taste. Admittedly, I can be very jealous.” Jealous, & easily dejected, though he certainly wasn’t the type to give up on something he wanted, or someone. Instead, he would become a holy terror, vying endlessly for attention with those sweet eyes that were weapons in their own right.

A little monster, though undeniably loving. His protectiveness showed with the gentle expression of concern written upon his pretty features when the priest explained his habit of poking about the local area surrounding the church he had come to serve. Lean fingers offered a soft squeeze in response. “I’d say that you should be careful, but I get the feeling that you can handle yourself.” An understatement, he expected - there was just something in the way James carried himself, the confidence he held, that told Connor the older man was perfectly capable of defending himself. But this didn’t stop him from wanting to take care of James all the same. “You’re staying in a decent area, but some parts of Detroit are pretty dangerous. Just keep that in mind.” A small, friendly word of caution, nothing more. The detective wasn’t sure just how much research his companion had done before coming to the Motor City, but it was infamous to the rest of the US.

Why did he stay, then? For that very reason. Connor hadn’t been lying when he expressed that he wasn’t unaccustomed to danger. In his line of work, it was a normal part of everyday life. Just the same as it had been when childhood proclivities towards adventure took the triplets into derelict & abandoned spaces, as the urban decay was a strange comfort; more so than the view of the river & the quaint architecture of their former Grosse Pointe neighborhood ever could be.

Maybe that was how things were for James, in a way, with his current home in Italy. It was something to speculate, though the older man seemed hellbent on testing Connor’s patience with his sass. The line about prostitutes made the detective snort, laughter following, as he was both legitimately shocked by the fib & equally unsurprised. Though admittedly, he was just a little annoyed, mildly struck with a twinge of jealousy that hit him square in the chest, prompting a crass little retort. “You shit..!” he quipped, yet there was no heat to it, no anger. Connor had half a mind to toss a chip in James’ direction, but he decided against it. Nevertheless, he was quite well entertained by the priest’s description of his life in Rome, & the common delights therein. They seemed to have very similar tastes, & an affinity for animals. The detective had always wanted a dog, but he hadn’t the heart to adopt one, knowing that his busy schedule would keep him away for far too many hours in the day, & the common practice of a broken routine would be dysregulating.

James sounded like he had it all, though; a good job, good neighbors, hobbies & plenty of places to indulge. He also seemed to have a distinct inclination towards making the detective laugh, as was the case when the priest presented depictions in tandem with the younger’s teasing. The picture of this cheeky old man devoutly studying scripture to the ambiance of prayer songs was just too good, & Connor couldn’t help his joyous laughter. “I’m sorry. I’ve got this amazing image in my head right now,” he explained through silly chuckles behind his hand. It took a good few seconds for the detective to regain his composure, though the smile didn’t fade entirely. He looked upon his companion fondly. “It sounds like you have a nice life there. When you’re in town, that is.” A little slice of a kind of heaven, a place of calm where he might recuperate himself with his own version of self care.

When the question was asked in return, Connor smiled wistfully to himself, as his life wasn’t all that different. Besides his occupation, that was. “Me?” He sounded just a little surprised that James would ask, as if he hadn’t anticipated that the older man would be at all interested in his life. It couldn’t have been further from the truth, obviously - perhaps it was himself that believed that his life was too mundane to be of intrigue to anyone. “If I’m not drowning in cases, I usually just pick up another one,” he explained, gaze falling as he picked at the food on his plate somberly with his fork. Disinterested in eating any longer, but it was an easy momentary distraction as he came to terms with his own reality. Finally, he looked at James again, forgetting his meal entirely. “I’m mostly working. But when I have free time, I like reading & spending time with family.” He didn’t necessarily want to be a workaholic. It was just something he was good at. A purpose to fulfill. He didn’t know what that said about him as a person. He wondered if he was still that same lost child of decades past, having never truly found himself.

But he had found something in James. He smoothed the pad of his thumb against the side of the priest’s index finger, the shape of its knuckle, savoring the feeling of his skin. Hands he very much wanted all over him. He was soothed by the thought. “I volunteer with my friend group for their charity organization, Jericho.” A small offering, a little quirk of the lips as he added to it. “Yes, like that Jericho - Markus’ father is a famous painter, & he made sure to give his sons a well-rounded education.” He wasn’t the only one, it seemed. Connor might have been an atheist & a skeptic, but he wasn’t entirely ignorant to scripture, or at least the alleged history therein. A well read, clever boy, eagerly thirsty for knowledge. He was, perhaps, wise beyond his years, unafraid to admit his truth rather than concoct some elaborate persona to impress the older, more worldly man. Connor was a sincere creature, one who was far more romantic than he let on, or even knew. “... I also really love rainy days, & I have a favorite coffee shop I go to when I need some time to myself. Either with a book, or my work laptop.” There was just something about the pattering of an afternoon shower outside of a cozy space, hot coffee & fragrant aromas. The detective had been born in the humid, sunny days of summer, but he longed for autumn in his soul.

It still tickled the priest that the conversation seemed so smooth in comparison to some he'd had, or many, if he was really honest about some of the people he came across. Even with the more controversial topics, they'd come to an understanding, they were still able to talk, to discuss, without the pair of them ending up shouting at one another like a drunken pub brawl on a Saturday night. They didn't have to agree on everything but it didn't stop them from being civil with one another, being able to communicate and explain their side of things. As much as they could. There was still so much that James could tell the detective, most of it would probably sound ridiculous to him, pushing what he already knew far beyond its limit. Knowing he was an exorcist was barely even the first step, next came actually understanding that it was very real, not just some name plastered onto a few cheap tricks and whatever else charlatans used when pretending to exorcise someone.

He knew there were fakes, of course he did, there were fakes of everything these days, some people would do anything just to line their pockets, regardless of the people they hurt and manipulated along the way. Maybe it was naive of him to think that Connor surely saw he wasn't one of those people, he wasn't pointing fingers at everyone who refused to comply and claim demonic possession against those who dared stand out of line. He asked questions, first eliminating the more mundane possibilities to figure out if it was something physiological rather than supernatural. In most cases, that's all it was, just people desperate to put everything down to demons and the Devil, desperate to put the blame on anything else other than taking accountability. Connor didn't know the ins and outs of it, but the Brit really did hope that there lay an unspoken trust between them, that he wasn't some snake oil salesman, he wasn't quick to claim demons on every little thing. He was thorough, he'd rather it was anything else in the world but demons.

Not for his own sake, but for theirs.

Yet still, it felt like a topic he could muster. Perhaps not now, he wanted the beginnings of it all to sink in first, allow for questions to bubble to the surface, of which he had a feeling there would be a few, if he'd figured Connor out correctly. He'd answer everything he could just as he did with everything he faced -- - calmly and logically. And maybe with a few quips scattered here and there for good measure.

"What can I say? I'm an acquired taste in holy circles." That one came out with such ease even he found himself smirking at it. "Even more so in unholy ones, mind." Neither one was a lie, he'd ruffled more than a few feathers on either side and he didn't regret a single second of it. He just said things as they were, he was honest and straightforward, though that did mean that there were those on his own side who didn't always welcome him so openly. It probably wasn't much of a surprise that his mouth was usually the biggest troublemaker when it came down to it. "Their loss... I'd like to think I keep things interesting. Never a dull moment." Another smirk left him, somewhat amused by the thought even if it didn't paint him in a very good light. He didn't particularly care though, what others thought of him made no impact on his work or his determination, hence how he'd come so far without losing that flair of rebellion that ran through his veins. Almost half a century later and his mentor still hadn't managed to train that out of him -- - and maybe both of them were surprisingly aware that it was probably a good thing and the reason he was still alive and sane at all.

By now, he'd found that he'd lost all interest in what he was eating, more than happy to just hold the American's hand in his and gaze over at him as if there was nothing and nobody else in the entire world. "Sounds nice. Can't say I've had the opportunity to really see the city as most guests to the place might. The most I've done is wander to and from the church, scout the surrounding area as well double checking on a few of the regulars. You know, make sure nothing particularly nefarious is going on behind closed doors." He did try and take in the places he visited, though time wasn't always on his side and while he'd love to be able to act more like a tourist, he didn't need reminding that he was there to do a job. Going out on a date with a local detective seemed to come somewhere in between so he was going to let himself off with that for now -- - and whatever else he'd get up to with the younger man as well.

Sometimes it was just nice to wind down a little every once and a while.

"So, you want to hear about Rome?" James repeated as he sat a little straighter, head leaning off to the side as he tried to decide where he could possibly start. "Well, on a Friday night I usually frequent the red light district, take a few of them home and sin the night away." An evident joke by the way he looked across at Connor, a slight chuckle leaving him as he decided on a real answer. "Honestly? Was never somewhere I thought I'd end up. Let's just say it's very different to where I grew up in England." He imagined that was likely obvious. "When I'm not being whisked away to some far-off land, I like to spend some time perusing local cafes. The coffee, desserts, even their ice-cream... pretty sure I could live off the stuff. And mostly do, when I'm able to stick around for a while." That definitely wasn't a lie either, he really did enjoy having something of a routine every now and then, making a daily visit to coffee shops, sitting outside and just enjoying the hustle and bustle of the city from the sidelines for a while.

"There's that... and my neighbour downstairs, Signora Mazza. When I'm around, I chip in on taking care of the stray cats in the local area. Give them some food, a few pats here and there. It's not entirely impossible to find one or two who've managed to get into my apartment. Given that I live on the fifth floor, I'm half convinced that the Devil himself keeps letting them in just to knead biscuits on my face at five o'clock in the morning." Admittedly, it still baffled him how they kept managing to get in, though he supposed that was just cats, if they wanted to get in somewhere there wasn't much in the world that could stop them. Other than getting a dog and James definitely didn't have enough time to be worrying about an actual pet just to keep a few felines from settling in. He didn't really mind, there was nothing there that couldn't be easily replaced, everything of sentimental value that he owned was kept on him and in his wallet at all times. Mainly being an old photograph of him and his parents when he was a child, always there to remind him why he was on this path and what he was fighting for.

"Hope you don't mind cats, because you'll have to fight your way through a furry horde of them to get to the front door." An amused smile took him again, imagining Connor wading his way through the cats as they each desperately tried to grasp his attention and affection. "But no... sitting reading the bible by candlelight while Ave Maria plays in the background isn't really my thing." He couldn't resist painting the full picture in his head, as laughable as it was. "As surprising as it might seem, I'm more of a power metal fan, myself." How many priests had said that in the world? Maybe more would sneakily think it rather than actually say it aloud. "Other than that? Research, mostly. Seems like an endless list of things that go bump in the night and... yours truly, tries to keep on top of it as much as I can. This line of work has a way of keeping you on your toes." His smile grew again, giving Connor's hand a light squeeze. "Although, I reckon you could understand that for yourself." Not on the same topics, of course, but he imagined he could relate to the sentiment. "What about you? What does the intrepid Detective Connor Arkeit get up to when he's not knee-deep in police station coffee, cigarettes and a mountain of cases?"

[dovesdreaming]

Deadpool x reader with love handles head canons? 🤗

Laughter and love handles

Thank you for your request <3

Warnings: none

-

It wasn’t like you were obsessed with your body, but everyone had their insecurities, and yours just happened to be those pesky love handles. It didn’t matter that Deadpool, or Wade, as you called him when you weren’t exasperated by his antics, had told you a thousand times that he found you perfect just the way you were. You still had your moments of doubt, and today was one of those days.

You were standing in front of the mirror, poking at the soft curves on your sides, when you heard the door to your apartment slam open. “Honey, I’m home!” Wade’s voice rang out, loud and cheerful as always. You sighed, quickly dropping your hands and pulling your shirt down. “In the bedroom” you called back, trying to sound more upbeat than you felt. A few seconds later, Wade burst into the room, his red and black suit slightly scuffed from whatever mayhem he’d been up to that day. He pulled off his mask, revealing that mischievous grin you loved so much. “Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?” he quipped, waggling his eyebrows as he crossed the room in a few long strides.

Before you could respond, Wade had already wrapped his arms around you from behind, nuzzling his face into the crook of your neck. You couldn’t help but laugh as he tickled you with his scruffy chin. “Wade, quit it” you protested half-heartedly, but he only tightened his hold, his hands resting just above your love handles. “No can do, sweetheart. You know the rules—no escape from the Deadpool cuddle monster!”. You laughed again, but this time it felt a bit forced, and Wade noticed. He always noticed.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, his tone shifting to something softer, more serious. “Nothing” you replied quickly, but Wade wasn’t buying it. He spun you around to face him, his hands still resting on your sides. He gave you that look, the one that said he could see right through you, and you sighed. “It’s just…” You hesitated, feeling silly for even bringing it up. “It’s nothing. Just feeling a bit… off today”. Wade’s eyes softened, and he stepped back, his hands trailing down to the spot that had been bothering you all morning. “Off, huh? You mean these beautiful, perfect love handles that I happen to adore?”. You rolled your eyes. “Wade…” “Uh-uh, no deflecting” he said, cutting you off. “These”-he gently squeezed your love handles-“are some of my favorite parts of you”.

You raised an eyebrow, skepticism written all over your face. “Really? My love handles?”. “Absolutely,” Wade said without missing a beat. “You know how much I love to grab onto something, and these”-he gave them another affectionate squeeze-“are just the right amount of squishy”. You couldn’t help but laugh, shaking your head at his ridiculousness. “You’re insane”. “Insanely in love with you, babe” he shot back, a wide grin on his face.

He was being his usual goofy self, but there was something in his eyes that made your heart skip a beat. He meant it. Every word, every playful squeeze, every silly grin, it was all his way of showing you how much he adored you, just as you were. “Come on” he said, pulling you closer again. “You’ve got love handles. So what? I’ve got a face only a mother could love and a brain that’s about two steps away from certifiable. We’re a perfect match”.

You wrapped your arms around his neck, resting your forehead against his. “You always know how to make me feel better”.

“It’s a gift,” he said, kissing the tip of your nose. “And, if you’re up for it, I can demonstrate just how much I appreciate all of you. Over and over again”. You laughed, feeling the last of your insecurity melt away. “Is that your way of trying to get into my pants?”. “Only if it’s working,” Wade replied with a wink. You leaned in, capturing his lips in a kiss that was both tender and full of the passion he always seemed to ignite in you. When you pulled back, he was grinning like an idiot, and you couldn’t help but smile back. “Guess it’s working” you said, finally feeling at peace with yourself. “Damn right it is” Wade said, lifting you off your feet and spinning you around, making you laugh again-this time without any reservations.

In Wade’s arms, you felt beautiful. He had a way of turning your insecurities into things to be celebrated, of making you feel like you were more than enough just as you were. And as he carried you off to the bedroom, still peppering your face with kisses, you realized that with him, you didn’t have to be anyone but yourself. And that was more than enough for the both of you.

[berryhobii]

Late for Work couple has become my #1 comfort couple and i always come back a read their stories cuz they're just so in love and passionate abt each other and OC/reader is so me coded. ur writing literally makes me weak in the knees i get so emoooo 😭😭💜 can i request a New Years (resolution) drabble with them? either OC or JK wants to work out more or tweak their habits at the gym for New years and i wonder if you could incorporate THIS REEL somewhere cuz i thought this was so them?!!? fluff or smutty smut smut!!! ty ty ty 💜💜

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C1BLk1PIu-j/?igsh=MWZ0YWRtcnd4Zndwaw==

even tho i feel like both of them are the type to NOT wait for the "New Year" just to get started on their goals i thought it would be cute!!!

Hi! Wow, I’m so happy you love that couple! I try my best to make them as lovey dovey as possible. Thanks so much for your request as well! I pondered a few ideas but then landed on this one! Also, that reel is so adorable and overprotective Jungkook is equally as adorable. Enjoy and please tell me what you think!

~

Super cute gym bag? Check. FitBit to monitor your heart rate? Check. Your ONE Stanley cup because you didn’t need a thousand? Check.

Alright. You were ready to hit the gym.

Truthfully, neither you or Jungkook were the types to do resolutions. Both of your perfectionist and ambitious ways made it so if either of you wanted to do something, you’d do it. And you’d do it to the best of your ability.

You started working out a little bit during December, enjoying early morning jogs before work in the crisp air to get you pumped for the day. However, you haven’t really dedicated yourself to a complete workout regimen.

That’s where your husband came in.

He didn’t make resolutions either but he did want to start spending more time with you and the gym was a great place to start. So you suggested you two start working out together and he could have broken something from how fast he catapulted himself over the couch when you brought it up.

Since your husband was a certified gym rat, he was very excited about your interest in working out. It was no secret that he was obsessed with going to the gym; he always dedicated at least 2 hours a day to pumping iron and if he couldn’t go to the gym, he’d go jogging or do some exercise at home. He was dedicated to keeping his body fit and healthy, mostly for himself but also for you. He knew how much you loved his body and it definitely stroked his ego to see how you drooled over him.

While Jungkook drooled over you regardless, you still wanted to work out and maybe even spend some extra time with Jungkook. A couple’s workout sounded like a lot of fun to you, honestly.

“Ready to go, baby?” Jungkook asked once he entered the living room where you were tying up your braids into a ponytail.

You smiled at him, nodding your head. “Yup! How do I look?” You gave him a little twirl, showing off your new leggings and the matching jacket.

Of course, his eyes went straight to your ass which looked extra plump in those pants. A part of him didn’t even want to leave the house, contemplating just bending you over and fucking you against the wall.

You looked so excited to go though and he didn’t want to rain on your parade. Pushing down his desire, he flashed you a smile.

“You look adorable.”

“Thank you. Now let’s go! I’m totally going to bench more than you.” You teased as you two walked out of your apartment.

He bellowed a laugh. “Yeah right. You get winded walking up the stairs.”

Pouting your lip, you playfully pushed him. “That was only because my legs were tired from riding you.”

His lip piercing sparkled as he flashed you a wolfish grin, one that sent shivers down your spine. You seriously thought about getting in a quickie in before leaving.

“Guess we’ll have to work on your stamina then.”

“Oh yeah? I’ll show you my stamina when we get back home.” You childishly fired back sticking your tongue out at him.

“I’ll hold you to that.”

When was leg day again?

The drive to the gym was quick and checking in was even quicker. After putting your things away in a locker, you and Jungkook found an empty space to start stretching in.

“Let’s start with toe touches.” Jungkook instructed with a clap of his hands.

“Okay!” Inhaling a deep breath, you bent over to touch your toes. Easy enough. Then you felt a hand on your back, urging you to straighten it a bit.

“Don’t hold your breath.” He said, his warm palm sneaking up the back of your jacket. Heat spread across your body. Damn fat ma! Not right now!

After enough of that, you two moved into more stretches: arm circles, lunges, jumping jacks and a few more. Jungkook stretched alongside you, only stopping to guide you through whenever he saw your form was off.

Overall, exercising with Jungkook was a bunch of fun. He was an attentive workout partner, reminding you to stay hydrated and motivating you whenever you wanted to give up. Not to mention, watching him get all sweaty was a bonus. He had abandoned his hoodie a while ago, leaving him in a tank top that showed off those muscular arms and bulging pecs.

You were gonna swallow his cock like a python when you got home.

For now though, you were focused on getting in some good squats while Jungkook moved just a few feet away to go fill his water bottle back up. He made sure you remained in his eyesight at all times, heart warming at the sight of you being so focused. He was so happy you had come with him to participate in one of his favorite interest. It really showed him how invested you were in his life and his hobbies. He hoped this could continue and you two would spend even more time together.

Also, your ass looked fine as hell in those leggings. It jiggled everytime you came back up and it made him want to rip those pants right off you.

Oh yeah, you were definitely coming to the gym with him more often.

Just as he finished filling his water, he turned around to start his walk back to you, only to pause when his eyes caught something.

A man was coming from the other side of the room, walking straight towards you, his eyes focused clearly on your ass as you bent forward.

Jungkook knew you were gorgeous which meant people often tried to approach you. His overprotective nature never allowed people to get too close, however. You could handle yourself and he knew that, he trusted you completely and never doubted your loyalty to him.

That didn’t mean he trusted others though.

Quickly walking towards you, his feet taking long strides to get to you faster, he stopped at your side just as you were coming back up from a squat. Jungkook immediately wrapped his arm around you, leaning down to place a kiss on your lips. Never one to turn down a kiss, you reciprocated, laying a few more on his lips for good measure.

His eyes locked with the man who was approaching you, brow furrowing and eyes sending a message that said:

Try it if you want to

The man’s eyes widened, turning back around on the heels of his feet to scamper off somewhere else.

Ever so unsuspecting, you turned around to see what your husband was looking at, only to find nothing. You placed your weight down, removing the AirPod from your ear to ask him what was wrong.

He just squinted his eyes before finally looking at you, sending you his sweetest smile.

“Nothing baby. Let’s just finish up so we can go home.”

And because you trusted him so much, you just shrugged and nodded. “Okay. Let me do this final rep and then we can go.”

“Sure. Let me help you.”

Getting behind you, he ‘guided’ you through the squats. Although you didn’t really need the help, the feeling of his boner pressing into your ass was telling enough.

“I wouldn’t call this helping, coach.” You smirked, making sure to rub your ass harder against him when you went down.

“I would. 5 more.”

~

“J-Jungkook!” You moaned, your hands slipping off the wall where you were bracing yourself as Jungkook pounded into you from behind.

He barely let you cool down from your workout before he was forcing you into the gym showers, pushing you into one of the spaces and turning on the water. It was obvious you didn’t come in here to wash yourselves, judging by how quick he was on his knees and attaching his greedy mouth to your clit. Both legs thrown over his shoulders and your back pushed against the cold wall, he devoured your cunt like it was the last time he’d ever taste it.

Since it was so late at night, the gym was practically empty which meant no one was there to disturb you. Then again, it was only 35 minutes until closing so you didn’t have a lot of time before an employee came to check for any stragglers.

But that was all the time Jungkook needed.

Hands digging into the juiciness of your ass, he forced you back and forth on his cock, the tip hitting you so deep that you were sure he was rearranging your guts.

Your knees shook from the force, still a little weak from the orgasm he just ripped out of you from eating you out. Now another one was steadily building, ready to spill over like a full glass.

He couldn’t take his eyes off the recoil on your ass. He didn’t know if immediate results from squats was a thing(you sure acted like it was) but for some reason, your ass looked even better as it clapped against his pelvis.

“Fuck baby. This ass….” He groaned, swiftly bringing his hand down on it. The water caused it to sting even more but you loved it.

“Make me cum, Kookie.” You whined and who was he to deny?

His hips continued his rough pace, hands molding and squeezing at your ass as if it was a block of clay. As his head rolled to the side in pleasure, his eyes saw something, a mischievous grin that you couldn’t see spreading across his face.

Grabbing your body wash, he flipped open the cap. You were so lost in the sauce that you didn’t even hear it, too focused on the feeling of his cock jabbing into your soft spot.

Then you felt the cold gel hit your skin, a squeak of shock coming from you. You tried to turn your head to see what Jungkook was doing, only to drop it when he readjusted himself to start hitting your spot repeatedly.

“Ooooo…fuck!”

Jungkook’s wet hands rubbed the soap all around, lathering it up all across your ass until the brown of your skin was covered in soapy bubbles. “Throw it back, baby.”

Using your arms as leverage, you tossed your ass back on him as hard as you could, the clapping noises drowning out the pounding water against the tile. It was too hot and hard to breathe but neither of you cared enough to stop, those delicious highs just over the hill. Your legs burned from your workout and you knew you’d be properly sore tomorrow but the feeling of Jungkook’s cock was just too good. You’d pop some IcyHot patches on later.

“I’m bout to cum, baby.” You cried, reaching a hand back to grip one of your soapy ass cheeks. Jungkook’s hot gaze followed the bubbles as they dripped down the crack and around his cock.

He was about to cum. Hard.

Reaching out to grab your shoulder, other hand still on your ass, he drove his cock into you so fast that the seat of your ass actually hurt from how hard his pelvic bones were hitting it.

Your orgasm hit before his, your mouth dropping open in a drawn out moan as fervid pleasure rushed down your back. Jungkook still didn’t stop as you came, a second orgasm hitting you right after the first. Your knees buckled inward from the pure force but Jungkook kept you balanced, thrusting a few more times before he reached his own peak.

“Ahhh….” He groaned, filling you to the hilt as his creamy cum painted thick ropes inside you.

After regaining your breaths, Jungkook helped you stand on your weak knees. You turned around to face him, wrapping your arms around his neck to place a smooch on his lips.

“My legs hurt.” You sighed.

“Told you you have bad stamina. Ow! That hurt!” He cried, rubbing the spot where you pinched him.

“Don’t push it, Jeon. Now let’s go home so I can rest my legs.”

“But I thought you said you’d show me your stamina when we got- ow!”

[the-jetset-lifes-gonna-kill-me]

Avatar (2009) & ATWOW RP

༄¸.•'*¨'*•✶ ✶•*'¨*'•.¸༄

🌊✶ˎˊ˗ Hiya! The name’s Valentine. Lately, I’ve been diving headfirst back into Avatar and Avatar: The Way of Water, now, as much as I adore geeking out on my own, I’ve found myself itching to roleplay this. Here’s the thing, though—I’ve had a bit of a tricky time finding roleplay partners. So, I figured I’d pop by here and see if anyone is just as eager to as I am.

█ 🌪️ ✶ˎˊ˗ What I’m Looking For:

I’m pretty flexible when it comes to pairings! Whether it’s human x human, avatar x Na’vi, or Na’vi x Na’vi, I’m all in. Now, when it comes to human x Na’vi... well, I’m a bit on the fence. It’s not a hard no, more of a “let’s chat it out and see if we can make it work without things getting weird.” Sound fair?

Now, full disclosure: I’m a certified yapper. Once you get me going, I’ll be chatting away. I love talking about the story, characters, and all the juicy details that bring the world to life. Sharing headcanons? Yes, please. Swapping OC tidbits? Absolutely. If you’re someone who enjoys bouncing ideas around and obsessing about your creations, then you and I are going to get on swimmingly.

First off, I cannot stress this enough: please, PLEASE, be detailed with your responses! I live for those meaty, immersive replies that really bring the story to life. I know some people are perfectly content with one or two paragraphs, and while that’s totally valid, it’s just not my vibe. My responses are usually packed with detail—think 1000 to 2000 words of descriptions and deep character thoughts. Basically, I’m here for the long haul. Now, if you’re more of a minimalist when it comes to word count, no worries—I’m happy to adjust and shorten my responses to match your comfort level (within reason). However, this isn’t the place for those who prefer snappy, quick replies.

I’m a pretty patient person—I totally get that life happens, schedules can be wild, and sometimes you’re just not in the mood to roleplay. That’s cool! All I ask is that we keep the lines of communication open. If you’re going to be busy or need some time away, just let me know when I can expect a response. It’s not about speed; it’s about consistency. Oh, and please share your time zone while we’re at it—that way, we can figure out what “I’ll reply soon” actually means for both of us!

Lastly, I’m always up for chatting outside of the roleplay. Whether it’s gushing over our OCs or brainstorming plots, I’m here for it.

█ 🌪️ ✶ˎˊ˗ What To Expect From Me:

I’d call myself a proud, card-carrying member of the “literate and descriptive writer” club. I adore crafting replies that are as engaging as they are immersive, with plenty of juicy detail to sink your teeth into.

On communication (aka: please talk to me!), If there’s one thing I value almost as much as a good, reply, it’s solid communication. I’d like to think I’m an easy person to talk to—seriously, I’m not one to bite. So, don’t ever hesitate to bring something up! Whether it’s a change you’d like to see, an idea you’re burning to add, or just a little tweak to make things flow better, I’m all ears!

I’m usually a female OC writer. It’s just what I gravitate towards!

Fair warning—if we roleplay together, you might find yourself bombarded with my antics. I’ll absolutely send you TikToks that remind me of our roleplay, characters, or even just a funny situation we’ve written (because, let’s be honest, there’s always a TikTok for everything). Expect personalised playlists crafted lovingly for your OC. I’ll probably whip up graphics of our characters too, because why stop at writing when I can visually obsess over them as well? Oh, and you bet you’ll be getting many moodboards.

Let me just say it upfront—I’m far from perfect. I know my way around storytelling, but that doesn’t mean I won’t occasionally trip over a plot hole or accidentally write something that doesn’t quite land. If there’s ever an issue, I’m all ears! Seriously, don’t hesitate to speak up if something’s off or if you have suggestions. I want our roleplay to be something we’re both proud of, and a little constructive criticism never hurt anyone (unless it’s, like, brutally delivered, which I know you wouldn’t do).

Not sure how to start a roleplay or what the opening scenario should be? Don’t sweat it—I’ve got you covered! I’m more than happy to take the reins and kick things off with a scene.

█ 🌪️ ✶ˎˊ˗ Guidelines:

First up—age. I’m 19, so I’m looking for partners who are 18+ to keep things comfortable and appropriate. Nothing against the younger crowd, but I like to make sure we’re all on the same page when it comes to themes, tone, and maturity level.

Speaking of themes, I’m pretty open when it comes to darker or more intense storytelling elements. Violence? Horror? Gritty, graphic material akin to the dramatic moments in Avatar? All good, I’m game! I love adding emotional depth and tension to the story—whether that’s a beautifully tragic moment or an edge-of-your-seat action scene. Don’t hold back; I’m all for it.

I stick to 3rd person POV only, no exceptions! It just flows better for me and lets me get deep into the characters’ thoughts and actions.

Here’s the deal—I’ll aim to reply at least once every other day. That’s my baseline, but depending on my schedule (and how obsessed I am with our story), you might get replies more often. Life happens, though, so bear with me if things get a bit hectic! In the meantime, I’m always happy to chat outside of the roleplay.

Let’s get this out of the way—I’m absolutely fine with NSFW content being part of our roleplay. It can definitely add an extra layer of depth (and flavour) to the story when it fits naturally into the narrative. That said, I’m not about turning our story into a fanfiction gone wild. If it’s nothing but porn without any plot to hold it up, we’ll definitely need to have a chat about that first. I’m all for it being sprinkled tastefully throughout, enhancing the characters’ relationships or the drama of a scene, but I also completely respect boundaries. If it’s not your cup of tea or you’d rather skip over certain moments, no problem at all—we can just time skip to the aftermath and keep the plot moving! Communication here is key, so don’t ever feel awkward about bringing up preferences or limits. We can always find the balance that works for both of us.

When it comes to the roles I play, I’m pretty flexible. If we’re doubling up, I’m happy to write for both female and male characters—variety keeps things interesting, doesn’t it? I’ll admit I might be slightly more skilled at certain dynamics over others (everyone’s got their sweet spots!), but I’m always willing to give things a go and adapt. As for pairings, I’m open to all sorts: FxM, FxF, MxM—you name it, I’m down to do it.

█ 🌪️ ✶ˎˊ˗ How To Connect:

If you’re interested, go ahead and like this post, and I’ll reach out through DMs. Better yet, skip the awkward waiting phase and send me a message! Introduce yourself, share what you’re looking for, and let me know your writing preferences—I love learning about new people and their unique styles. Trust me, introductions make everything so much easier for me. Breaking through that initial "scary phase" of reaching out is always a bit nerve-wracking, so the more you share upfront, the more I’ll feel like we’re already friends.

༄¸.•'*¨'*•✶ ✶•*'¨*'•.¸༄

[ushiwakaout]

I just read your story about kenma as a husband and im OBSESSED. Can you do the same but with Kuroo please! I love them both and i cant chose so- :)))

I cant choose either don’t worry (i’m a kenma kinny so like... you know)

HUSBAND KUROO IS A BLESSING GOD

let’s just say you’re a highschool teacher

for the sake of the headcannon, you wear glasses to read

very outgoing

very flaunty husband

very flirty, acts as if you guys aren’t married and still trying to reel you into his hook

Wakes up very very early

Maybe like 5 am, works out, rare occasion will wake you up too if he’s feeling like a jerk

if he doesn’t wake you up, he’s back from his run and he’s bought you flowers, will willingly cut his run short so he doesn’t ruin the flowers

KUROO IS AN AMAZING COOK

does not look like it tho, first time he cooked for you- wow, crazy good

breakfast in bed when you have the day of (which are weekends)

Kuroo doesn’t have a day off but his mornings are always free, for you and you only.

He’s the type of husband who you catch making breakfast and he’s dancing, wearing a kiss your sempai apron

“oh no no, you go back to bed, i’m making you breakfast, shoo.”

will tap your ass so you leave the kitchen faster

his brain malfunctions just a lil in the kitchen when realized that you’re only wearing his button up and his button up only

blushing mess while cooking

HE GETS A LITTLE SHY FOR NO REASON WHEN HES BRINGING YOU BREKFAST

You’re fully awake and already looking through homework with you’re cute little glasses that make your eyes look a little bit bigger

he’s so in awe with you, he puts the little breakfast tray over you and kisses your nose

“Goodmorning sweets.”

Doesn’t call you kitten but calls you sweety, sweets, sugar, shortcake. HONEY, SUNSHINE.

He will not bother you if you’re doing paperwork

Believe it or not Kuroo very much likes peace and quiet

because you know, his bed head is bc hed cover his ear w his hair to try and muffle out his parents arguing sorry

Will not argue with you

PHYSICALLY WILL NOT AS MUCH AS HE WANTS TO

you could be yelling at him over something (most likely because kuroo is def burnt out a little and gets no sleep) and you’re just looking up at him and he can’t look away

Will say something like “You look so beautiful.”

My heart just broke a little- Kuroo can’t argue back with you because he knows you’re right most of the time

you’ll find him asleep on his desk at 2am bc you miss cuddling and the mother fucker still wakes up at 5

will show up to your classroom with a bouquet of [favorite flowers] and all the girls in the class start squealing

kisses you behind the flowers

will plant his forehead in yours and whisper “I love you.” before apologizing and dismissing himself

this rich cocky mother fucker will also surprise you on your birthday, which would end up on a weekday.

YOURE CLASSROOM IS FULL OF FLOWERS

EVERY DESK FOR THE BOYS/GIRLS/NONB and they get to keep them

TEACHERS ARE ENVIOUS, especially the women maybe the men are too, ya never know.

he’s a certified sub teacher bc you get sick easily and will cover for you while someone covers for him at work bc he’s like- light years ahead of his work (that’s why he’s so burnt out)

SICK KUROO IS PROBABLY THE SADDEST AND MOST ADORABLE THING

It gets pretty bad when he’s late for work one day and he’s like rushing to get ready and he gets a nose bleed

he’s freaking out and you’re like “baby lay down, you have a fever, please.”

“Fever? What the fuck is a fever, never heard of them, now let me go to work.”

“Honey, don’t make me any soup, your cooking isn’t as good as mine.”

“No get away from me, i don’t want you getting sick.”

“I wanna kiss you so bad right now, give me you’re hand.”

“I love you so much, you know that right?”

Once he’s out of his fever will take you out to dinner as a thank you

Buys you a new outfit for your outing and it’s like “Kuroo come on- i don’t need this.”

“Well i need you to have it, if you complain- then you don’t love me.”

“fine....”

very jealous man, if someone eyes you

very very handsy

hand has to be on your ass, lower back, hip, holding your hand. he gotta be touching you somehow

ESPECIALLY IN WORK OUTINGS

whole new outfit again

would probably fuck you in the venue bathroom but we don’t talk about that

if he gets drunk he’s actually the opposite

he’s not horny or handsy

he gets all cute and shy and a little awkward

Will forget your his spouse and be like “No! You see this ring, that’s right! I’m married and to the most sexiest bitch you know- That’s right i called my spouse a bitch, what about it. She’s a bad bitch.”

this mother fucked have you a ruby ring, you can’t tell me otherwise.

something simple but very pretty

he’d probably think you stole your own ring

“Hey! That’s my spouses give me that”

“Kuroo I. AM. YOUR. SPOUSE. LOOK AT ME!”

squints bc this motherfucker actually needs glasses “BABY!! There was some crazy person, who looked just like you! Same exact ring and everything.”

“Baby that was me, you called me a bad bitch.”

“Yeah? Am i wrong? or?”

Big cuddler

Will kiss you everywhere

“Baby, kenma hasn’t called me today, does he hate me?”

“No kuroo.”

“Are you sure?”

“Baby i’m sure.”

You make kenma come the next day because you know Kuroo needs his bestie

they get drunk

Kenma gets cuddly too

they will sleep on the floor together

You make kuroo cary kenma to bed bc he things it’s you and he sleeps w him

wakes up to yell at you and very hung over

“Sometimes i think you wish i married kenma.”

“You’re not wrong.”

OVERALL kuroo as a husband is... *chef kiss*

[pastaaa-bird]

Day 4:historical

@aphrarepairweek2021

Sorryforbeingadaylate

Oh warning for very minor swearing(only happens three times) but other then that there is nothing inappropriate and also there is implied period typical homophobia in this

Summary: An 80s human AU where a stressed out Chiara (nyo Romano) is saved from going crazy by a hero(Amelia aka nyo America)

Basically this is just fluff, fluff and more fluff

Chiara Vargas was a second a way from flipping her desk and raging down the halls, or at least she would be if she had not possessed just enough self control to hold back on the urge.

“Fuck fuck fuck….” Chiara muttered, the sound coming out muffled from her face being squished against her desk in failure.

“OH, CHIARA” came a high pitch voice down stairs.

Reluctantly she lifted her head to the sound.

“WHAT?I'M BUSY”,she yelled back, mentally cursing her brother for disturbing her sulking.

“A CERTAIN SOMEONE IS HERE FOR YOU",

“WHO IS IT?”,

“YOU'LL HAVE TO COME DOWN AND SEE",

After managing to hold back a bitter protest she stood up then stormed down stairs.

“This better be worth my time, Feli or l swear to Dio l’ll-",

Chiara came to a halt once she saw the girl beside Feliciano.

“Hey!” a cheerful voice as usual from the smiling blonde with pink sunglasses in her hair, dressed in her demine shorts,  red t-shirt and long white socks with a pair of roughed up old sneakers.

“Amelia- uh hi there" She replied while awkwardly fidgeted with the sleeves of her jacket, embarrassed at the realisation that she had heard her yelling.

“Nice to see you calm down, anyway l’ll you two ladies to it”, he winked at Chiara who rolled her eyes at the look, not sure whether to love or hate that it felt the exact same to when her grandfather would make comments about her bringing a boyfriend home.

He disappeared into the sitting room to join Valentino on the couch.

“I was wondering if you would want to hang out, we haven't done that for ages”,

“Oh right, ugh l don't think l can”,

“Sure you can! You're not busy are you?”,

“l am, study”,

Amelia raised an eyebrow at that.

“Study? Our exams aren't till two weeks" ,

“I know, l know but l'm sick of revising everything on the night before the exam, besides l need as much of time as possible to understand this crap",

“Ah fair enough- how about l help ya with it? math l'm guessing?”,

Sighing at the memory of her many failed attempts at completing and understanding equations and formulas she nodded.

“Yeah, but are you sure?”,

“Definitely!”, stated Amelia with both hands on her hips and standing tall to her eagerness for the task.

“Alright then...",

A while later Chiara found her self back at her desk with Amelia standing beside her reading over her practice questions, nervously waiting for the results.

It felt like an eternity before Amelia finally looked up and spoke.

“And…that's like sixty five percent right!”,

“Sixty five?! Where did l go wrong this time?!”,

They had been at this for quite some time now. Despite Chiara’s frustration she stayed relativity calm for the most part thanks to Amelia’s encouragement and little jokes that made her either outright laugh or complain due to what she claimed was annoyance even if though she did find it humorous.

“Symbols, you forgot them again, there's supposed to be a measurement symbol at the end of this to say whether it's centimetres squared or cubed or meters squared- eh you get the point...", she paused then continued.

Miss Kirkland is your math teacher, right? She's real strict when it comes to small stuff like that so she takes off a lot of marks”, explained Amelia while doodling with the pen in the corner of the practice sheet of paper Chiara had used.

Miss Kirkland, certified smartass- even if it is technically her job to be one. Now, Chiara didn’t exactly hate her but she was far from a favourite in terms of teachers she was forced to put up with.

She hated how Miss Kirkland loved to call on those who she knew where not paying attention, there was a sense of snobbishness when it came to the way Miss Kirkland would proudly correct the unsuspecting student with a smile that more closely resembled a smirk.

“l hate this, I'm so close to getting this right but l keep screwing it up”,

“Come on it's fine! You've made awesome progress since when we started! It's only been like what….an hour? Give yourself some credit",

“…l guess you're right. But I'm also stuck for other things- like history and geography suck",

“ Wanna head to the library? They got good resources for both”, questioned Amelia now looking up from her doodling.

“Nah, I've had enough school for today. Let's do something else, anything in mind?”,

“Ooh! A few things-“,

Understandably Chiara was not surprised when they had arrived at the arcade on their bikes.

“Is this becoming an addiction for you?”,

“Ha-ha very funny, you have your obsessions and l have mine”,

“You even call it obsession, keep all this up and l'll be hosting an intervention for you",

This time Amelia genuinely laughed in response, Chiara savoured every second of the sound.

They were stuck there for a while, when it came to Amelia's great interest and Chiara’s competitive attitude it was easy to guess that there would obviously be competitions to see who could score the highest.

To Chiara’s dislike Amelia ended up winning proportionally more then she did followed by listening to the victory taunts from Amelia.

And it seemed that as quickly as they arrived they where off again.

“No, no, no, nah, no, nope, no”,

“Oh come on! l thought you weren't a quitter”,

“I have my exceptions, this is one of them",

Roller skating, she wanted Chiara to roller skate. Clearly Amelia wasn't aware of the fact that Chiara would likely crawl into the ground out of embarrassment if she would likely- no when, when she would end up falling flat on the floor.

“l'll help ya along! You'll be fine", urged Amelia tilting her head to the side with pleading eyes.

Upon arrival to the centre she instantly felt her heart sink knowing what would be expected her. After much convincing from Amelia and equally as much rants about what could go wrong from Chiara- she ended up agreeing to at least attempting to skate.

Chiara felt her chest tighten and face heat up once she suddenly felt the hand of Amelia intertwine with her own, guiding her into the skating area after they got their roller blades.

It was fascinated to see how effortlessly Amelia could move, practically gliding with ease although at a much slower pace due to guiding Chiara along. For this moment anyway, Chiara forgot how to feel anxious.

The last destination for the day was the local diner.

“Two milkshakes please, a double chocolate for myself and a strawberry and banana mix for her”,

“Coming right up, dear", replied the waitress.

“Oh and don't worry l'm paying, l owe ya for last time with the ice-creams” reassured Amelia after she placed their order.

It was the small things that Chiara adored about Amelia the most, how she remembered her favourite foods was one of them. Along with her passing small notes with funny faces on them to her whenever they shared a class and she had noticed that Chiara was dying of boredom.

They sat on the high chairs in front of the counter top as they awaited her drinks, Amelia flapped her hands with giddy excitement once they were received, Chiara couldn't help smile at the sight.

She thought about sharing the milkshake together, putting the straw in her drink like those shitty romantic movies Amelia loves so much. It would be cute wouldn't it? Cuter to see Amelia's reaction to the gesture! She smiled to herself at the idea.

Then her face dropped.

No, no they couldn't, not here, although her smile was brought back again by looking towards her girlfriend who had all her attention on blowing bubbles into her drink.

“Should you really be playing with your food like that?”, she questioned placing the straw into her own drink.

“Might as well make the most of it when my folks aren't here to tell me off ", Amelia shrugged in response.

Chiara found her self agreeing with that mentality and joined in with the childish behaviour.

They cycled back to the house, it was getting dark already.

Amelia was invited in and the two walked past the living room seeing Feliciano and Valentino with their eyes still glued to their precious TV.

At peace now they were sat together on the back porch. There was a small garden behind the Vargas' house, it was closed off by the tall fence( put there mostly so the neighbour's cat couldn't hope over and ruin the vegetable patches or flowers).

The air was humid all day and was beginning to cool down with the sun getting lower and the clouds moving in.

For what could have been anywhere from a minute to a thousand years the two spoke about anything and everything, the topics seemed to flow so easily, naturally changing with ease.

Finally the two sat in comfortable silence, looking towards the sky who’s colours had turned into oranges, yellows and pinks.

This is what Chiara so deeply enjoyed, how they could just sit together and feel so secure.

Routinely this what would be done for one another if the other was upset and asked for so, this time was often spent with their hand held or being hugged by the other.

 There would be times where Chiara in particular would wish to be alone, in cases like this Amelia would go prepare or buy a snack for whenever Chiara is feeling okay again, it gave her something to look forward to when she needed to be alone with her own depressing thoughts.

Sometimes when Amelia would be upset she would just want to vent and vent with no words of “it will be okay" or “look on the bright side of things", Chiara was there to listen and agree with the difficulty of whatever situation she found herself in.

Chiara's head was rested on Amelia’s shoulder, her arm wrapped around her in response to it.

Now it was getting cold, thankfully she still wore her jacket…but maybe…

“Amy?”,

“Yeah?”,she quietly answered back to the nickname.

“It's getting a bit…chilly don't you think? Would you, would you like my jacket?”,

“Oh...Uh sure.If you wouldn't mind that is”, a blush covered Amelia’s cheeks, she was rarely flustered or at least visibly.

The jacket was a gift to Chiara for Christmas from one of her relatives, it was given oversized to her but she kept it since it seemed more comfortable like this. On Amelia the jacket finally looked normal, it fit her well and looked quiet lovely.

They went back to silence until Chiara broke it again.

“Thanks by the way. I really needed today- to get my mind off of all this stupid fucking stress l've been trapped in lately",

“Of course. We all need a break now and then",

“You could say that again…l love you" Chiara looked up, her chin now on Amelia's shoulder.

Amelia glanced down at her and grinned.

“The feeling is mutual, sweetheart"

The end

Okay now for me rambling

Uhhhhh l read through this and l don't think l made any mistakes? I'll edit this if there are and sorry if you saw any, idk l'm bad at checking for mistakes and l don't have someone to proof read for me

Oh and Valentino is human Seborga and alsooo not sure if l made it clear but Feliciano does know about their relationship and also Chiara is Bi and happy to feel valid in her relationship with Amelia as if it were the exact same as when she is with a guy and not something taboo in this time period

ALSO damn, sorry this isn't that particular to the 80s- l did leave out things l was originally going to add in though! Like l was going to have Felicianio and Valentino have a movie marton but according to Wikipedia they werent common around then and the ones that did happen were anime soooo y e p

Also thought about adding in a house cord phone but eh idk it felt nicer to have Amelia visit instead of having Chiara call her or if l tried writting it as Amelia calling and then showing up it just felt forced and weirdly put in any way l tried to write it in

AH l am so worried that this is boring or cringy, like l honestly can't tell if it is or is this fine-ehh l guess l've written worse um yeah if you've read this far thanks :)

(I'm editing this for mistakes and wtf 90 is so high why would she be shocked- damn l think l know why l originally wrote that, l was thinking Amelia said ONE of the questions is 90% right but before it l said she was correcting multiple questions so it reads as multiple questions being 90% right all together ANYWAY l corrected it so it's fine again okay bye -AND it turns out l missed some mistakes yet again-editing this for the 3rd time rip)

[utterlyinevitable]

After seeing ur explanation for that anon i really want to see a fic or a hc of ethan as a dad and becca as mom can u please do it??

omg okay ahhh my babys having babies. this is gonna be long and idk if it’ll make sense bc imma jot down everything i know about domestic e&b.  

[just finished and... this is long and broken down into 6 categories........... enjoy!]

Ethan & Becca as Parents

The Pregnancy 

They didn’t plan on having children, it just kind of happened. Becca and Ethan took a day for the news to settle before they jumped into excited, expecting parents mode.

The most exciting part was renovating the condo to make the most perfect nursery and shopping for decorations and mentally planning all the traditions and things they’d love to give to their little family. 

All of the happiness couldn’t mask the struggles of pregnancy. 

Becca hated being pregnant. She was sick and nauseous constantly, and her back and feet always ached. 

Throughout the whole thing Ethan doted on her; holding her hair back and learning how to tie it up in the way she likes, rubbing her back, running out to get whatever she was craving. 

He even made copious amounts of notes about her eating patterns. Enough to keep two of everything in the condo. 

If she was having a restless night, he would too; even if she was restless for non-human-growing reasons. 

They were in this together.

And even when she was huddled over a garbage pail, dribble running down her chin, she never looked more beautiful to him. 

There was just something about all this that made him feel all weird and fuzzy inside. 

When her symptoms barely settled throughout the second trimester she overhauled her entire birthing plan. There was no way she was making it to 42 weeks. She was absolutely miserable. So she made a c-section appointment for 40 weeks. 

She had an entire argument with Ethan one evening (she really was only yelling while he nodded his head). Her main points were:  “It’s my body and the baby will be fine. I was born 6 weeks early and I turned out fantastic!” and  “Once the baby’s out of me I’m still going to have to pee. Omg what if she rips me open!? How am I supposed to use the bathroom without worrying about my stitches?”  

All he kept reiterating was:  “I love you. I trust you and your instincts.” 

Becca felt better as he held her face in his large hands, his calming azure eyes boring into hers and letting her know everything will be alight. 

But deep down she spent the next few weeks since making the appointment wondering if she should have given vaginal birth a try. She didn’t want Ethan to resent her for chickening out of her body’s natural function. 

The Birth 

Becca made it to her c-section appointment. Happily rubbing her large belly and glowing:  “I can’t wait to not be pregnant anymore! Never do this to me again.” 

All Ethan did was chuckle. 

He was happy she was getting color back and that her symptoms finally settled enough for her to spend the last few weeks enjoying their daughters kicks. But oh my god was Ethan Ramsey terrified of being a father. 

He wouldn’t tell Becca though. She was emotional and worried enough as is. Any and all his concerns were saved for the short conversations he had with his father.  “Don’t overthink it, son. The moment you lay eyes on your daughter you’ll know what to do. It’s instinct. Biology. That was your best subject in school, wasn’t it?” Alan would joke.  

The surgery went off without a hitch. 

All of Becca’s hatred for the phenomenon of pregnancy vanished the second the nurse placed their daughter on her chest. 

Rebecca was in awe. She made that! This little person came out of her! This little pink person that looks like a plucked chicken with a tiny tuft of brown hair was here and she was beautiful. The perfect combination of her and Ethan. 

The embodiment of their love.   

Dakota Dolores Ramsey was completely unplanned. Unplanned but not unwanted.  

The first time Ethan Ramsey held his daughter time froze. The universe needed a minute to process the broad grin and full heart thumping rapidly from this stoic and reserved man. 

The earth was about to spin the wrong way but then Dakota opened her eyes.

Everything was the way divinity had planned it.  

At Home

Although Ethan and Becca lived a 10 minutes drive from Edenbrook, nearly a straight run, Becca forced him to drive as slow as possible. 

Dakota was asleep and she needed to keep it that way. 

Due to her stitches, Becca was forced to take things easy. No matter how many times she argued with Ethan that she was capable of menial tasks around the house. 

Ethan would not let her lift a finger. 

If Dakota needed a change he’d happily do it. if Becca was hungry he’d make her favorite. 

“You had her to yourself for nine months. Let me take the next few days.” Becca went to retort, all she wanted was to hold her baby for the rest of eternity. She’d never tire of looking at her scrunched up potato face and watching as her features changed every moment of every day. “I promise to share.” “You better,” she kissed him as he tucked her into bed for a much needed nap.

The only thing he was forced to share with his partner was feeding duty - Becca was adamant on breast feeding. A bottle would not touch their daughters lips for months to come. 

That in itself brought its own challenges. 

Most nights Ethan laid in bed with Becca curled up at his side in one arm and Dakota resting on his bare chest. 

Parenting was weird, but an exhilarating change. 

Ethan couldn’t diagnose what he could have possibly have done right in his life to be this wholly happy. 

The Second

Once Ethan and Becca had one child they were both itching for a second.

“You know what say: ‘if you have one you have to have two’.” “Is that so?”  “You don’t want Dakota to have a sibling?”  “I was an only child and look how I turned out.”  “Emotionally stunted and certified loner?” she teased. 

Truth be told, Ethan wanted another. He’s been thinking of giving his pride and joy a few siblings for weeks now. He just didn’t know how to tell Becca. 

Becca complained frequently about how happy she was to not be pregnant, and often about how her scar healed funnily. 

All of the signs pointed to her not wanting another. And Ethan was okay with that. He never expected to have one child. He’d cherish every moment of what’s been placed right in his fingertips. 

He’ll let his soon-to-be wife choose their path. She’s dictated everything else thus far. Ethan was elated she chose him to be along for the ride. 

After Dakota’s first birthday, when they made the decision to have another, they tried desperately to conceive.

“I really don’t want to have to deal with diapers for five years,” was Becca’s main reason for keeping the kids close in age.  “We can try surrogacy.” Ethan offered, knowing how much she hated pregnancy. He didn’t want to push her into anything.    “No. I have to do it. I’ll do it for our kids. But you owe me big time.”  

And 14 months later Caroline Marie Ramsey made her grand appearance. 

And Becca got her first push present. 

The Last 

It’s fitting that four years later Ethan and Becca were blessed with another surprise. 

Her pregnancy with James Jonah was the smoothest of them all. 

Of course that meant something had to go wrong. 

At 34 weeks Becca went into premature vaginal labor. 

Within six hours their baby boy arrived. 5lbs 2oz and looking like an alien. 

Ethan almost lost them both after the fact. 

Becca lost too much blood with the placenta and JJ was so tiny.  

But the Lao’s were fighters and they pulled through. Ethan cried at her bedside once the harrowing 24 hours were up. 

Becca stayed at the hospital for a week, Ethan and Alan bringing the girls to visit every single day. 

JJ had to stay a few days longer and Becca refused to leave until she could bring her son home. 

She went through her first experience with postpartum depression. Becca didn’t think anything could be worse than the mental toll her abortion had on her years earlier. But she was wrong.

She was so wrong. 

All their friends chipped in to help take care of the kids while Ethan devoted his time to helping his wife. The couple went to therapy, sometimes together, other times Ethan sat in the waiting room as Becca worked through her emotions. 

Months later, the parents were sitting at home. Ethan held their son and their daughters were curled on their laps: He muttered into his wife’s hair, “I’d like to have one more.”  “Not with me you’re not,” she scoffed. “We’re outnumbered as is.” 

JJ began to cry and the girls stirred. Dakota mumbling, “Tell the baby to shut up, I’m sleeping here.” 

They couldn’t help but laugh and pull apart to put their whole world to bed.  

Old and graying and spending more time at home with his kids, Ethan wanted just one more baby. Four was a strong, even number. He could have a whole daycare full of them - each one the best variations of him and Becca. 

Becca had spent a large portion of her 30s childrearing and she’s done. Done with diapers and formula, especially. She loves her children more than anything but they’re exhausting. She can’t wait for them to be in school full time and she can have some more alone time with her husband. It’s been so long since it’s been just them too.  

“Don’t hate me...”  “I could never hate you,” Ethan said as he brushed a few strands of hair from his wife’s face.  She swallowed and confidently said, “I want you to get a vasectomy.” 

He agreed without further consideration. She made a very compelling argument.  

Parenting 

Ethan is the doting helicopter dad and Becca is doctor drill sergeant. The kids get away with nothing under their mother’s watch. 

Ethan is very soft and adores his children. The grumpy attending could have a whole gaggle of them. He spoils his daughters rotten, picking up the newest doll and toy they’re obsessed with, and making them promise not to tell mommy. 

The women in Ethan’s life get away with everything and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

When the girls were born, Ethan stepped back at work letting the better Dr. Ramsey have her career defining moments.

He took half days to pick the girls up from preschool and would bring them to the park or museums. He’d even try to teach them to cook their favorite recipes on cold, rainy days. He’d tire them out so that he and mom could tuck them in after dinner.

Ethan’s afraid of his son. He’s afraid the tot is going to turn out exactly like him - he’s the spitting image, except that his hair curls like his mother’s. 

Instead of putting JJ in fulltime daycare, Ethan chose part time preschool. The girls were in primary school now and he’s taken a bigger step back from the hospital after the baby was born. 

He devotes all his free time to teaching his son about all he knows and learning all he doesn’t.  

Becca complains about the state of her vagina and stomach all the time. Never in front of the children but often enough Ethan knows the look on her face right before she says the same two lines.  

Her favorite activity is building forts and taking the kids to the beach. 

The holidays have never felt more alive with the full house. Ethan even became a Christmas and Valentines Day lover. 

Becca loved watching him change over the years. Every new first they celebrated with each child, every one of their kids passions, Ethan would adopt them all and make it his mission to be a connoisseur of every facet.

Dakota sat her parents down one day with a serious topic of conversation: “Mommy, Daddy. I’m going to be a fashion designer.” “Will you?”  “Yes. And I need to dress myself.” “As long as it’s weather appropriate, consider it done.”  “And we need to get supplies.” 

The conversation went on for 15 minutes with Ethan and Becca asking questions and Dakota making demands. Once they’ve settled on an agreement on how to make their daughter’s dream happen, Ethan retired to his office. He taught himself the basics of sewing.     

Even with all the struggles of raising three children in a suburb of Boston while balancing very demanding medical careers, Ethan and Becca wouldn’t have it any other way. The life they carved out of all their complications was worth it.  

All of this was inevitable. 

And they wouldn’t take a moment for granted.    

________________________________________

Um... this became bigger than intended... If you made it this far, thank you ♥

Masterlist

Perma:

@rookiemarsswiftie @lucy-268 @binny1985 @thegreentwin @queencarb @danijimenezv @starrystarrytrouble e @terrm9 @interobanginyourmom @adrex04 @maurine07 @mercury84choices @schnitzelbutterfingers @theeccentricbibliophile @wingedhairstylemusicweasel @kaavyaethanramsey @mvalentine @rookie-ramsey @drariellevalentine @lifeaskim @otherworldlypresents @therookie @aylaramseycarrera @angela8754 @fireycookie @stateofgracious

Ethan:

@udishaman @honeyandsunfl0wers @hutchereverlark23 @ohchoices @dulceghernandez @blossomanarchy @claredal424 @caseyvalentineramsey @rookieoh @openheartthot @senseofduties @lilyvalentine @tsrookie @kalogh @aworldoffandoms @takemyopenheart t @casey-v @ramseyandrys @peaceinmidstofchaos

[thetigarchives]

THE TIG ARCHIVES│TRAVEL│INSIDER’S GUIDE TO TORONTO

“With the Toronto International Film Festival in full effect, it seemed only right to share some of my favorite finds from this new home of mine. We have been filming Suits in Toronto for 4 seasons now, which means four years of getting to know this city. Domaine was kind enough to ask for my favorite finds, and now I am sharing them with you along with a couple of new additions. Here is my Insider’s Guide to Toronto, where the people are friendly, the streets are clean, the food is damn good, and where I found my happiness. Sounds like a pretty good place, eh?”

EAT

The Harbord Room - "Hands-down my absolute favorite restaurant in Toronto and beyond. The food is just perfect, whether you’re craving a crudo plate, a seasonal pasta dish laced with ramps, pesto and a whole lotta love, or the absolute best burger you’ve ever had. My friend, Natalie, brought me here years ago for the burger (with fries and a bottle of pinot noir), and it remains my most-craved meal. Just go. This one’s a no-brainer.”

Bestellen - "This is a comfortable space with a concise and absolutely delicious menu. I go for the côte de boeuf (all sourced by my favorite meat purveyor in the region, Cumbrae‘s), relaxed vibe, and great service. Also, they have an open kitchen, which I’m a sucker for, and a great table in the back that would be perfect for a small celebration."

Bar Isabel - "I used to live in Madrid, so my love for Spanish cuisine runs deep. Bar Isabel has a beautiful space with Andalucian tiles that reminds me of long weekends in Seville. Order the ceviche, and if you’re a fan of octopus, definitely go for that; it is served whole, with garlicky potatoes that will make you want to fall into a blissful carb coma."

Terroni - "A go-to and a standby. There are three locations in Toronto (go to the flagship on Queen Street where the service is relaxed but super accommodating) and the vibe is always chill. Their pastas have the perfect bite and the mains are great — order both with a bottle (or carafe) of wine. It’s a solid bet for an easy weeknight (or weekend) dinner."

Fresh – "All LA transplants who moved to Toronto for filming told me that Fresh would be my saving grace – the clean eats and yummy vegan fare would remind me of home. They were certainly correct.  Whether it’s a fresh juice, the green goddess bowl with extra broccoli, the quinoa onion rings or the all star salad, I could easily eat here every single day and my tastebuds would never get bored. Oh! And if you’re a fan of hot sauce, make sure you get some of their scotch bonnet based heat they put on the table. I am certifiably obsessed with it."

Almond Butterfly – “A new gluten free bakery that has the most delicious bites and amazing espresso.  My favs are the banana bread (how is it so moist?!), the chocolate chip cookies, and the date squares. Cupcakes are plentiful, flavors change often, and it’s a solid spot to pop in for some yummy treats in a jewel box space.”

Cocktail Bar - “I’ve loved this teeny tiny space for a few years. They don’t serve any drinks with vodka, which I both love and hate all at the same time, but the fact of the matter is they don’t need it. The drinks are solid, and the mixologists are as friendly as they come. Ask for Travis."

Rasa - "This place just opened, and I am head over heels for the space. It feels like New York City to me, with a warm feeling that hugs you when you walk in the door, inviting you to stay. Great vibe, adventurous menu, and a top-notch cocktail and wine list. Highly recommended for a nightcap."

STAY

The Shangri La - "Oh, how I adore this hotel. The staff is top notch and the amenities are sublime – from the gym with infrared sauna to the awesome spa with private hammam. This will also be a hot spot for star sighting as it is next door to Soho House, the place to be for parties during TIFF."

SHOP

Cabaret Vintage - "Head here for perfect vintage finds and a staff that makes you feel as precious as a Georgia peach. I go in weekly for inspiration and little additions to my closet."

6 by Gee Beauty - "This is my favorite store for a curated selection of clothes, gifts, jewelry and fragrance. Think Assouline coffee table books, Aviator Nation frocks, and Le Labo, all within the shop that is likely smaller than your bedroom. I love that you don’t have to pilfer through racks, and I always find something I love either for myself or my girlfriends."

The Room at Hudson’s Bay - "This shop features a bespoke mix of the best niche designers. Think Wes Gordon, Giambattista Valli, and Prabal Gurung. It’s cutting-edge and classic all at the same time."

Holt Renfrew - "The ultimate luxury Canadian department store. Go for the shoe department and ready-to-wear collections, and take a mini hiatus to have a glass of bubbles and salad at the store’s lovely restaurant. You can find incredible Canadian designers within these walls; get a gift for everyone back home."

FROLIC

Kensington Market - "A local mecca for all things food and fun is several blocks of fishmongers, meat purveyors, mom-and-pop veggie stands, juice bars, and fantastic hole-in-the-wall restaurants. Throughout the summer the market has pedestrian Sundays where no cars can pass through it, and it feels like one big block party: bands performing, the smells of every exotic cuisine wafting in the air, and a relaxed vibe that makes you feel that Sunday kinda love. You can see my favorite gems within Kensington on the feature I did with Holts Muse."

Trinity Bellwoods Park - "I call this hipsters’ paradise. It’s a massive park with a huge dog run in the middle, which is ideal for my super active dog, Bogart. But beyond the normal park humdrum (tennis courts and softball field), you’ll see people set up stands for the likes of free hugs, yoga in the park, dance classes, and performance art. It’s really the mecca for meeting up with friends, throwing a frisbee until day turns to night, and listening to the ambient beat of bongo drums from another end of the park."

- Meghan Markle, September 2014

The Harbord Room and Bestellen are now permanently closed. 

[rvmmm21]

. you’re gonna spaghet it .

summary : a home-cooked meal and a baking show is too much to ask for. but only when the person asking is seungwan.

small note : i'm tentatively back. and here's the worse news. you get this pile of 'what-the-fic-is-this?!' before i start clonking you over the head with my leg of yandere ham.

think of it as your pre-christmas coal in your stocking.

(this sat in my drafts for so long its not even funny. if i had a cent for every second i spent thinking about whether i wanted this out here, i'd have accumulated enough for the plane ticket, the lawyers and the hospital fees to fly over to SM to clonk them myself.)

just for tumblr. if you want to read this but in pretty, it’s here.

tw : tickling, probably many grammar errors because i do not know how to write anymore, and my cretinous knowledge of how tv recordings work.

[irene x white-winged dove!wendy]

. . .

[6:15pm] A mischievous smile tugs at her lips when she sees how Seungwan struggles.

. . .

Bae Joohyun blithely watches her girlfriend titter around the kitchen preparing vegetables for the chopping board. When the sound of water beginning to boil reaches attentive ears, she secretly smiles at the melodious hum of a happy tune.

Everything is going as planned!

However.

Pangs of guilt are beginning to tweak at Joohyun’s conscience. Because what she really wants to do is not to be a good girlfriend and offer a hand at stirring the pot. She doesn’t even want to sit patiently and wait to hear Seungwan sing out for her when dinner’s ready.

No. Joohyun wants to play. And she knows who she wants to play with. Even though it’s going to be a complete setback to the lovely night she’s sure her Wannie has planned out for them.

It was Seungwan’s idea to cook tonight, then eat together while they watch their favourite TV program. Pfft, ‘their favourite’. What Joohyun really means is she’ll happily watch the season finale of the unorthodox cooking show her girlfriend is currently obsessed with.

. . .

“It gives me ideas, unnie,” Seungwan had explained when, about a week ago, Joohyun had walked in on a very experimental game of muffin-making.

The latest episode of “Baking for the Seoul” flashed through Joohyun’s memory.

“Don’t the ingredients have to be… in the bowl, though?” she asked incredulously, eyes searching for any part of their countertop that was actually visible.

“Hm?” Seungwan looked up, wiping the frosting off her nose… with the wrong hand.

Joohyun raised an eyebrow. “And which one are we putting in the oven, your sludge mix or you?” She inquired, now searching for any part of her girlfriend’s face – that was actually visible.

When the girl in question stayed concentrated, apprehension bubbled in her gut at the state of that exceptionally thick bowl of frosting. She surreptitiously strained to peer behind a thoroughly battered Seungwan, trying her hardest to not actually step foot into the kitchen.

Her girlfriend has this… ‘thing’ about work space. Especially the kitchen.

“Wan-ah,” Joohyun’s tone was equal parts warning and concern. “You didn’t get any on your wings, did you… that frosting looks too thick and last time you got yourself all mucky, remember we had to – ”

“It’s fine it’s fine, look! I’m being careful!” Seungwan quipped cheerfully, pirouetting round to give a worried Joohyun a glimpse of her wings which were nicely folded through each designated slit in the back of her sky-blue jumper.

The latter breathed a sigh of relief when she saw them; all white, fluffy and – most importantly – clean. She inwardly shuddered at how much of a nightmare that bath was. Thank god she’s behaving this time, she thought.

Although momentary relief didn’t stop her from contemplating an alternative method of keeping her mind at ease.

But the thought of having Seungwan wear her wing guards in their own home tugged at her unpleasantly. It was bad enough she had to have them on when they were out in potentially stressful situations. So she wouldn’t accidentally hurt herself or anyone around her… which had unfortunately happened once or twice before. It was clearly a burden to go about so obviously restricted, and despite Seungwan’s insistence on having grown used to them, Joohyun could always feel how upset she’d get whenever she was helping to do the clasps up behind her.

Definitely no wing guards then. And if that meant Joohyun would be bruising her knees for hours on end trying to keep dense baking mix and her messy baby bird two separate entities, then she’d happily do it.

Whatever kept Seungwan chirping.

Plus, her little chef looked damned determined, so she thought it appropriate to slip in one last passing remark before plucking a banana from the rack. “Yah, Wannie! Let me know if I’m gonna have to pick out birdie feathers from my cupcakes, okay?”

Seungwan grumbled something along the lines of a ‘hm, yeah whatever unnie’ in response.

Joohyun just laughed, heading back to their room and leaving the mastermind to her latest trial.

> > > > > 

[7:00 p.m] Seungwan doesn't know which she finds more horrifying: what Joohyun intends to do to her or the fact that they're going to have to have take-away two nights in a row.

. . .

It should’ve been a simple mission.

Retrieve a fresh packet of spaghetti from the topmost shelf.

Her attempts are… laughable. She’s clearly doing her best.

Though she doesn't realise it yet, she’s still being watched. From the living room, Joohyun is watching. And she isn’t laughing. Hands ball into unconscious fists as a tight wave of numbness washes over her at how adorable Seungwan looks.

Just… like that: both wings tucked against her back, beautiful and neat as their owner. Strained muscles from reaching for something Joohyun already knows she’s going to have to help out with. And the tiny grunts when fingertips barely graze the edges of the packet.

Seungwan looks so soft, so frustrated. So vulnerable.

A small spike of inexplicable adrenaline leads Joohyun to head over to the huffing, moon-hopping girl.

She really needs to teach her little dove that being this cute comes with a price.

. . . 

When a lithe body slides up behind her and presses against her back, Seungwan’s wings give a gentle flutter to mimic the stutter in her heart. She sighs affectionately at the pair of hands resting low on her hips.

The task is almost forgotten. Almost.

Unnie’s here to help, Seungwan thinks… ever so mistakenly.

“Hyun – ahh,” she’s interrupted by a slight shiver when the tip of her right wing is stroked between a finger and a thumb, delicately running across pure, downy feathers. A tried and tested (Bae Joohyun-certified) method of getting the girl absolutely weak.

Judging by the sound of strained breaths filling the space between them, it’s working.

Alas, dinner hasn’t been cooked, the sun’s setting and Seungwan’s time-management brain is screaming at her to get a move on. She points to the shelf, trying her hardest to block out the dangerously wonderful feeling. “Could you – could you please get that for me?”

Instead of complying, Joohyun chuckles, moving her hands from her back to glide them lightly up and down her sides. She isn’t surprised that Seungwan is already shivering, terribly overwhelmed from that alone.

Her smirk twitches when she feels the smaller girl squirm.

Seungwan has always been like this… so responsive, so susceptible to touch. Her touch. She’s jelly in her clutches, and even Joohyun has to admit that sometimes she really doesn’t deserve to be.

Sneaky hands grow bolder, finding their way under the hem of Seungwan’s fleecy jumper to continue tracing teasing lines against soft, sensitive skin.

“But it’s so cute to watch you struggle, baby,” Joohyun coos, beginning to rest more of her weight into Seungwan’s hips, keeping her trapped against the kitchen counter.

“U-unnie,” Seungwan tries, half-heartedly writhing against Joohyun’s hold, torn between wanting to cook dinner and wanting to be dinner. “Not – ah… not right now… it’s already late, we have to – ”

“And you smell so nice. Is this new shampoo?” Joohyun presses her nose into her nape, cutting her short, nuzzling into that pleasant fruity shampoo scent. She then pauses to nudge Seungwan’s legs suggestively ajar with her knee before leaning in to whisper into a ruby-tipped ear. “ Should I give you a reason to shower again later, hm?”

The younger’s eyes widen at the sinful implication.

Gosh, really? Right now? In the kitchen?

The kitchen. The place she cooks and handles food? (Sure, Joohyun will – once in a blue moon – dice the odd carrot or something, but that certainly does not give her the right to be making any unauthorised, hormonal messes for her to clean up). She must be off her rocker if she thinks Seungwan’s going to allow her precious workstation to be tainted by what she can already foresee to be copious amounts of bodily fluid just because someone can’t keep it in their pants.

It snaps something inside her. And – with all the strength neither of them knew she possessed – Seungwan wrenches out from under Joohyun’s weight with a firm “YAH! Stop fooling around!”, sending the older woman stumbling a few steps back.

For a second, they’re just as stunned and disbelieving as each other; Seungwan at her own apprently dormant Herculean strength –

– and Joohyun at the sheer audacity.

Then again, could this be any more timely?

God, Joohyun could kiss herself.

She straightens her blouse, putting on her best ‘I-can’t-believe-you’ve-done-this’ expression, and turning to lock the now slightly (and rightfully so) terrified-looking Seungwan with a stare. This is the best part. The part where she just glares, secretly gleeful as the other girl absolutely crumbles with apprehension.

The part where Seungwan thinks it’s her fault.

“Uh oh,” she tuts, sporting a grin to match that mischievous glint in her eyes, “someone’s in trouble, aren’t they?”

Seungwan is, of course, at a total loss for words, but she fumbles around anyway, desperate to justify whatever the hell she’s just done. It’s almost too much for Joohyun to handle, watching her dig her own grave like this.

Finally, Seungwan tries to back up, only to let out a sharp gasp when she trips over her own feet in her haste. She’s on the floor in seconds with Joohyun immediately following. There’s hardly a chance for her to get her bearings before she’s stuck on her back with a weight straddling her hips.

Seungwan goes wide-eyed. She might as well kiss the prospect of a candlelit dinner bye-bye… for tonight, at least.

“My clumsy, clumsy Wannie,” Joohyun mocks, holding herself above the smaller girl on her hands and purposely tangling their legs together. “Tonight was very thoughtful of you, baby, but I’m postponing our dinner plans to tomorrow night. I think we should order in, don’t you?”

“Ah unnie...” Seungwan groans, failing to ignore the way Joohyun’s predatory expression crayons her cheeks a soft pink, “we had take-away last night! I don’t wanna eat chicken aga – ”

“Then let’s get pizza,” Joohyun offers unhelpfully. She’s clearly got her own agenda that she’s determined to follow through with. “Okay? Hm, let’s see… you have to the count of five to agree with me or…”

She pauses to savour the panic in those deep brown eyes. “I’m going to have a very tired little birdie to take care of.”

That satisfied smirk leaves nothing to the imagination. Seungwan can practically read her fate on her girlfriend's rosy lips before they delve into hers, causing her eyes to roll back as they melt hotly into each other.

Seungwan hardly notices Joohyun lacing their fingers together until her eyes flutter open and she finds herself held down, arms stretched securely above her head. Joohyun adjusts her grip so she has both wrists pinned under one hand and the other free.

Ah, fuck, not again. Seungwan laughs emptily, fidgeting with high-strung premonition. When her one final struggle proves useless, she resorts to asserting herself with her voice. “Yah, unnie, I’m cooking tonight. Stop being annoying or you’re not getting fed.”

Ah, too easy.

Joohyun contemplates elaborating further. But she’s said enough. Besides, Seungwan doesn’t even deserve a response to that. That was a threat, wasn’t it? The prospect of starvation is a serious threat that should be promptly dealt with. And what do you do when you’re faced with a threat? Be that a burglar, a murderer or a very flustered Son Seungwan.

Tickle them. Obviously.

Joohyun leers over her, wiggling her fingers in anticipation. “Five…”

Seungwan’s eyes blow wide, and – with miserable luck – she renews her efforts at breaking free once again. “Hyun! Seriously?! You – I can’t believe you’re d – ”

“Four.”

“HYUN!”

“Three.”

“Okay! Okay! Let’s get pizza tonight! There, happy?! You can even choose the flav – ”

Seungwan hears a scoff above her. “Nope. Sorry Wannie. I made that decision. You’ve changed nothing.”

“YAH, YOU TRICKED ME YOU BIRDBRAIN! LET ME UP. YOU’RE SO DEAD!!”

One click of a tongue and Seungwan has never retracted any statement faster in her life.

“Okayokayokay! Sorry that was super mean! Please I – ”

“Two…”

Too late. She’s dead. She’s one hundred percent about to be on the list of the unfairly deceased.

Seungwan whines hopelessly. “Unnieeeee, you’re not being fair!”

It’s a ditch attempt, but one Seungwan doesn’t intend to miss. “OKAY SERIOUSLY I MEAN IT, GET OFF!”

Joohyun snickers. “One.”

With five fingers and wicked intent, she dives in.

. . .

A pair of pretty wings and an even prettier face make for an impossible choosing.

Even now, as she has Seungwan flat on her back with her eyes screwed shut and tears streaming down her face, she wants to flip her over so she can be blinded by white insulation. So those feathers can brush against her as she drives their owner to the brink of sanity.

She wants to feel her dove respond to what she does to her.

“Hyu – Hyun, p-please!”

Joohyun smirks down at her victim, who’s weakly pawing at the front of her blouse in what she can only assume is an attempt to get her to stop.

Pathetic.

Seungwan never fails to struggle. But then again, she never fails to forget that Joohyun, too, is much, much stronger than she looks.

All that tiresome squirming is easily dealt with. Only a fraction more pressure from Joohyun’s fingertips, and Seungwan’s arms fall to either side, limp and useless just like the rest of her. The only indication she’s even conscious is the violent trembling and – when she’s able to muster up the lung space – the occasional plea for mercy.

Even the laughter is silent.

Joohyun loves it this way. She loves having Seungwan all sweaty and flustered beyond belief; whenever and wherever she pleases, the younger girl is reduced to a quivering mess, trapped beneath her cruel dexterity.

So instead of getting the pasta boiling for a romantic dinner, Seungwan is graciously letting Joohyun have her one-sided fun while she’s forced to cough, splutter and laugh so hard her insides hurt. The reflex to try to buck Joohyun off or twist out of her clutches nips at her incessantly.

Although she really shouldn’t worm around like that, because it’s only making Joohyun’s job easier with how her jumper rides further and further up with every inch she wriggles away.

It almost makes Joohyun think her little songbird wants to be tickled.

“Aw,” she coos, playfully tweaking unintentionally exposed ribs. “So cute, Wannie. You want it here, too?”

Seungwan is breathless from the tickles before she’s even processed what Joohyun’s said. Those tantalising touches never linger on any part of her long enough for her to develop a resistance to them. Not that she could even if she tried. She’s as sensitive as Joohyun is skilled. And Joohyun strikes with dreadful precision, switching between light skittering and then deftly kneading her fingers into every spot that wrings Seungwan’s lungs for all they’re worth.

The smooth tile is cooling against her feathers, even if her wings are twitching beyond her control, trying their hardest to flip her over to give her some shot at escaping. She barely manages to crawl a few inches away before there’s a firm grip on her ankle, all but dragging her back because Joohyun sure as hell isn’t done with her that quickly.

Trying to get away? She cocks an eyebrow, scooting up to sit on Seungwan’s butt, pinning her hips to the floor.

“Oh no, my poor birdie’s flipped herself over,” she feigns concern, gently resting her palms on Seungwan’s wings, stilling their fluttering and holding them steady. The sight of them unfolded, outstretched from the struggle and completely exposed has Joohyun catching her bottom lip between her teeth. “Did you hurt yourself here, Wannie? You need unnie to kiss it better?”

Seungwan shrieks at a pitch that’d have every dog in the neighbourhood cowering when she feels a pair of pillowy lips settle on that excruciating spot right where the arch of her wings meet her back, where she absolutely cannot stand to be touched.

Even under normal circumstances, Seungwan had made her swear to never spring upon her like that. And of course, by virtue of that alone, it quickly became one of Joohyun’s favourite places to touch her.

Luckily she’s too distracted now to protest.

The ‘kisses’ aren’t any less torturous than ten fingers going all at once.

Poor, tired Seungwan hardly has the energy to writhe as Joohyun continues to press her hellish butterfly kisses all along the length of those oversensitive appendages, nosing into her feathers and ruffling them gently with her breath. The younger’s expression contorts into silent agony when she feels the fingers return, this time digging into her armpits. 

Fresh tears well up in the corners of her eyes as she lays there, flailing like a fish out of water, face down with zero leverage to combat her girlfriend’s merciless onslaught.

She’s as defenceless as a turtle on its back (or rather, a dove on its tummy). Her squirms are getting weaker, the laughter more strained, but it’s all so rewarding to her loving tormentor.

Seungwan is kept laughing till the hollow ring of the doorbell sounds through their apartment.

. . .

[An hour post stuffed crust pepperoni pizza with extra cheese]

 Joohyun enters their room just as her girlfriend is getting dressed for bed, freshly showered… again. She lets out a low chuckle when Seungwan catches sight of her in her peripheral vision and hastily pulls the loose necked pajama t-shirt over her head.

“How was dinner?” she asks, arms folded and leaning against the door.

Seungwan rolls her eyes and releases her hair from its bun. “Too much cheese. We need to drink lots of water tonight or we’ll be pufferfish in the morning.”

“Aw, is someone grumpy?” Joohyun gives an uncharacteristically exaggerated pout and the latter hides a shiver.

Good god, please someone save her.

“Unnie, of course I am. We’re going to eat reheated carbonara sauce tomorrow no thanks to you,” Seungwan bluntly retaliates. “You’ve had your fun, now can you stop talking to me like I’m five, please?”

Naturally, her request falls on selectively deafened ears.

“Yah, seriously,” she punctuates the severity by manually unfolding her trembling left wing and pointing at it. “Look. I’m still shaking because of you. Now you're done, I really – ”

That’s all the grumpy talk she’s allowed before Joohyun jump-tackles her onto their bed, pinning her to it and watching sheer panic etch into deep cinnamon irises.

“When did I say I was done?” she asks, suggestiveness tracing the edges of her tone. She hovers above her, bringing a hand up to cup her face.

Seungwan hisses a laugh. “Unnie, I have a limit too, you know. You can’t just keep finding excuses to tickle the crap out of – ”

She chokes on a gasp when she feels a hand – the one she’d been as good as tortured under not two hours ago – trailing down her stomach… slipping past the elastic of her panties and –

– it just reminds her why she’ll always let Joohyun have her fun.

Because no matter how much she laughs, screams, cries or begs, there’s always a reward. Much sweeter than anything Seungwan thinks she could ever bake. Their sex life is anything but stagnant, however this is, more often than not, Joohyun’s way of making it up to her afterwards (much to her approval).

Or maybe she just wants to drive Seungwan to the brink of losing her voice so she won't have to hear the nagging about the next episode of Baking For the Seoul.

Which, by the way, came out tonight. And Joohyun made them miss it. She had better be praying they’d be able to find a copy online somewhere.

Either way, it’s so much more gratifying after an eternity spent howling your lungs out on the floor. Seungwan’s full attention is lasered down to where Joohyun is now softly caressing her under the thin cotton barrier. The warm ache beginning to settle in between her thighs prompts her to try to squeeze them together, but Joohyun catches on and wedges her knees in between them, spreading her even further.

“Ah,” she raises a smug brow as she leans in to press her lips to the base of her ear. Her own eyes darken with lust in response to her little dove writhing helplessly below her. “Be a good girl for me, okay, baby?”

It’s late. Seungwan can barely keep her eyes open. Oh, but she aches so badly.

“Still grumpy, hm?” Joohyun murmurs questioningly, hot breath fanning over Seungwan’s neck and echoing goosebumps over her skin. She glances down at the bulge of her hand stretching the fabric, fingers already coated in slick. Her index finger rubs against Seungwan’s clit. “Feel good, Wannie?”

Hopelessly turned on, it’s all the other girl can do to whimper in agreement.

The pleasing sound of those soft whines escaping right into her ear turns Joohyun’s grin into something downright wolfish. She gives the swollen bud a few more leisurely strokes before retracting her hand completely, leaving Seungwan squirming in anticipation with whatever energy she has left.

Joohyun tastes the arousal on her fingertips. “Mm, I love how small you look right now, in my hands. So small and needy.”

Seungwan pants out a quiet “please, unnie”, clasping a shuddering hand over Joohyun’s and guiding it back down to the heat in her panties. She rolls her hips up into her palm, silently begging for her reward for being such a ‘willing’ participant in the one-sided games they played today.

After letting her gaze linger for a second, Joohyun shifts so she’s lying next to Seungwan. She slips her hand back in and squeezes firmly, revelling in the hoarseness of the girl’s voice. Velvety lips delicately map out her shoulder, and Seungwan has to fight to keep her eyes open to drink in the image of Joohyun pressed up against her, right hand cradled under her neck, propping her head up so they can both see the other one teasing her down her underwear.

It’s when Seungwan turns away to frustratedly pout at the suspense that Joohyun smiles and gives her a quick peck on the nose.

“I’ll continue if you promise not to pass out this time, okay baby bird?”

She bites back a snort watching Seungwan nod like she’s ever been able to stay awake after.

Then she has to bite back another because since when has she ever not continued even after being fed these empty promises, time and time again.

Anything to keep her precious Seungwan happy.

[tractorbeamofwoe]

Top ten favorite bands, feel free to vent about it

TEN?!? Oh god I’m not sure I even like ten bands 😭😭

okay so

1. Catfish

2. Inhaler (I’m scared cause I feel like I’m going off them slightly 🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️)

3. Symphonic Pictures. I know I literally talk ALL THE TIME about how much I love them but I do really love them both musically and yk...I have a big fat musical crush on Johnny bond but yeah as a musician I can really sort of pick apart their songs and think “yeah that’s what they were trying to do with this part and that’s what they were trying to do with that part”. Although they’re a mysterious little band and no matter how hard I try i don’t think I’ll ever truly understand their minds but it’s genius and it’s comforting to me. Their lyrics are so genuinely beautiful I’m obsessed with them. I adore the EP I could listen to it over and over and over and it’ll always be one of my favourites. They had so much potential with their unreleased ones as well but of course Van had to swoop in and put a stop to it all 😅 I still get really excited when I see Bondy and Dale hanging out together tho

4. Them Things. Another band that I would’ve liked to hear more from 💔💔 the Good Weird EP is another one of my all time favourites that I listen to a lot because it brings me a lot of comfort. The harmonies are so lush and the guitar riffs and Lou’s vocals are so brilliant oml he’s such a great frontman and even better live. I really hope I get to go see Chintzy Stetson in the near future cause the vibes are immaculate 👌🏻👌🏻 Out in the Rain is my fave Them Things unreleased and I’m so gutted we’ll never get a studio version but cause me and Lou are like twitter besties maybe I can ask him nicely for it ALSO LOU IS SUCH A LOVELY GUY LIKE HE’S UNHINGED BUT IF YOU TALK TO HIM HE’S SO FUCKING SWEET I LOVE THAT MAN 😭

5. Jango Flash. JACK’S ALSO A LOVELY MAN (as expected, he used to be in Them Things and everyone who was in Them Things is the certified nicest man in the world™️) And his vibes are so funky like his music videos are so creative 😭 Not one of my favourite live bands but tbf this is like their first tour practically so they can only get better from here 😁

6. This is where it gets a little fuzzy so hold on 😭😭 I guess I’d say The 1975? Haven’t listened to every single one of their songs but I went through a massive phase a couple years ago. Plus I just put them on when I need a bit of motivation and I need to get up and dance. I think at one point I was a very Matty type front woman but obvs now it’s Van lol. Also can’t forget they’re besties with Catfish.

7. Blossoms. Can’t say I’ve listened to all their songs either yet buttt they’re lovely lads and they absolutely send me especially on the podcast 😭 They’re also one of my music teacher’s favourite bands so we sort of talk about Blossoms a lot haha. And we’re covering Charlemagne this month so I’m very excited for that!!

8. The Native. PLUGGING MY HOMETOWN BAND!!! I’m yet to listen to all their songs but from what I’ve heard so far they‘ve deffo got potential. But I listened to an interview they did at Boardmasters the other day and OHMYGOD they said everything I’ve been thinking about the music scene down here and I’m so relieved. (e.g Artists never play down here, the furthest they go is Bristol or Exeter, there aren’t any bands to come out of here, the music scene down here is just generally pretty DIY). Another honourable mention from down here is Holloway, bunch of kids my age doing music stuff is very nice to see.

9. 5 Seconds of Summer. Hopefully going to see them next year lol. Only really sort of got into them just after Youngblood came out (So again, haven’t listened to their whole discography lol). I also love Luke’s solo stuff and if I ever experience Place In Me live I will lose. my. nut.

10. The Vamps. I hate saying it cause people think I’m cringe but they were essentially the first band I liked when I started really getting into music and I discovered so many other bands through them. Unfortunately I don’t really listen to them as much anymore cause I’m not a fan of their new album but anything from Meet The Vamps-Day Edition is like a massive part of my life from age like 12-14. They were the second concert I ever went to as well and Brad gave me a lil half peace sign half wave I am so in love with that man.

[sknnymnne]

drowning (spencer reid x reader) part 1

summary: y/n mourns the loss of her best friend, spencer reid, reminiscing about how she always wished that they were something more. however, a case in las vegas reveals some disturbing information, causing y/n to rethink some things.

a/n: this is my first fic ever! i have some past writing experience, so hopefully this isn’t horrible. please give me constructive criticism, and let me know how i can improve :). i hope you enjoy! you can read part two here. (p.s., let me know if you want to be added to the tag list!)

...............................................................................

spencer’s death left a gaping hole in everyone’s heart. especially mine.

i was definitely a lot quieter. this grim attitude seemed to cloud over me, never fading. of course, i was constantly on the brink of tears, inches away from exploding from the pain that spencer’s passing caused. weeks after his funeral, my eyes remained glassy.

i wore spencer’s scarf every day, without fail. it didn’t matter if the purple fabric clashed with my outfit, or if it were 80 degrees outside. it was his favorite, and it had become mine too.

everyone had noticed my change in behavior. the glimmer in my eyes wasn’t there anymore, the glimmer of hope, life. i felt like an empty husk, walking around preforming my daily tasks on autopilot, just waiting for my best friend to knock on the apartment door.

spencer and i had clicked the day they met. four years, seven weeks, and two days ago. from the day we met, i had always wanted to be more than friends. however, spencer and his friendship was too valuable a thing to risk. so, i buried my feelings deep inside. stayed a respectable distance away from him on the couch. didn’t run my hands through his curls, didn’t wipe away his tears. my god, did i long for more. longed to say the words left unsaid, the ones spencer would never hear leave my lips.

“i love you.”

god, i wanted to love him in many ways, of course. i wanted to watch doctor who with him, laugh about inside jokes, learn new things together. pepper his face with kisses, hug him after a long case, lean my head on his shoulder on our way home.

at this point, none of these would exist in the real world. in the dream world, sure, but spencer would never come back. he would never walk through the elevator doors with a cup of coffee. he would never again come over to watch obscure german films. we would never split the last chocolate sprinkled donut. gone were the days of greeting him every morning, talking about each other’s weekends. it was all gone too soon. so fast.

i was drowning, and i was going down fast. grief was gripping me by the hips and pulling me into a state of ever growing darkness. there was nothing to grab onto. i didn’t know if i would ever be able to crawl back out.

...............................................................................

the first day back after his death was grim. as we reviewed the case file, a part of us waited for spencer’s excited voice to interject with a fact or statistic about serial killers. however, the room was filled with a mournful silence, accompanied by everyone’s eyes gravitating towards spencer’s empty chair.

“wheels up in 30.” hotch managed to whisper.

as we somberly packed their items, everyone seemed to be looking at spencer’s desk, his TARDIS mug still sitting in the corner. it was just the way he had left it. of course, i put on his scarf before heading over to the jet.

the case went by in a blur. nothing felt real anymore. it still didn’t make sense that spencer was gone. forever. they caught the unsub, sure, but that wasn’t nearly enough for me. all i could think about was spencer, how much i missed him, and how he died.

...............................................................................

spencer passed away on a sunday. ironically, the day of rest wasn’t relaxing in the slightest. it started when he began receiving fan mail from a “kathryn snow” in connecticut. she was just a curious college student full of questions, and spencer was more than happy to answer all of them. it was adorable seeing him so excited about helping someone.

eventually, it turned out that “kathryn snow” was actually “bryan evans,” and that bryan had an extreme obsession with spencer.

spencer’s life truly ended when he was kidnapped by bryan. bryan had tortured him, and just before we arrived, had tried to kill himself and spencer, ultimately failing at both. however, the damage to spencer was done. seeing him beaten and bruised like that it something i’ll never forget.

bryan was arrested, but escaped when he was being transferred to prison. every day, it killed me that spencer’s murderer was still out there.

spencer died on the way to the hospital.

we never saw his body.

...............................................................................

present day.

...............................................................................

“hey, y/n,” jj gave me a slight smile as she entered the elevator.

“hi,” i murmured.

“are you okay?” she rested a loving hand on my shoulder, her eyebrows knitted in concern.

“i’m fine,” i replied. “seriously”

“y/n, you know that’s not true.” she replied. “come on, tell me what’s wrong. please?”

jj always meant well, but i couldn’t bring myself to tell her about what had been going on. the nightmares had returned. of course i knew it was ridiculous to cope through them alone, and that they could compromise my skills at the BAU, but i just couldn’t talk about it. not now, at least. i was still drowning, and i was getting too deep.

“i’ll tell you about it later,” i managed to give her a small smile. “i just don’t want to talk about it at work.”

“okay.” she returned my smile, but i could still see the motherly concern in her eyes. “just tell me when you’re ready and i’ll be here.”

the elevator dinged as we reached the floor that the BAU was on, and we began to walk through the glass doors together. however, i stopped dead in my tracks when i saw spencer’s desk and felt my heart drop.

“what is it?” jj asked.

“his mug..” i mumbled. “it’s gone.”

ever since the day spencer died, i had made sure that nobody touched that mug. it had stayed in the same place on his desk for the past three weeks, collecting dust. it was somewhat comforting, knowing that would always be the same.

however, that comfort’s disappeared.

“i’m sure someone just moved it to the kitchen,” she tried to reassure me. “we’ll get it back, don’t worry.”

i knew that it was irrational to expect that no one would move the mug someday. an intern, and unsuspecting colleague. it was also irrational to think that spencer’s desk would always be spencer’s desk. someone else would sit there soon, with their own coffee cup. there was nothing i could do about it.

hotch breezed past jj and i.

“we’ve got a case.”

as we always did, we all sat at the round table, leaving spencer’s seat empty. it was a constant reminder of how easy it was to lose each other.

“four men in las vegas have been brutally tortured and murdered.” garcia winced as she showed the crime scene photos. “physically, they all appeared similar. it seems like our unsub has a pretty specific type.” she attempted to joke.

however, i couldn’t help but notice how familiar the torture was on each of the victims. the scratches, the cuts, the-

spencer.

“it’s bryan.” i blurted.

“what?” hotch furrowed his eyebrows

“look, the wounds are almost identical to spencer’s.” the words seemed to spill out of me. “we know that evans is meticulous, and the victims could be surrogates for spence.”

emily and jj both looked at me with that unintentional condescending concern.

“if you’re right, y/n, we need to get there asap.” hotch replied. “wheels up in 20.”

...............................................................................

we arrived in las vegas, and confirmed that my suspicions were indeed correct. it was bryan.

“it doesn’t make sense that evans would start killing just after he escaped.” derek mused. “he’s smart. he would know that we would learn about it and find him.”

“maybe,” rossi said, ”that’s what he wants.”

“what if it’s a trap?” i asked. “it’s definitely possible that he’d want us now that he got spencer.” i choked on spencer’s name.

“or he has reid and he wants us to know.” hotch appeared in the doorway of the conference room.

“what?” my voice shook. no. no no no. spencer was dead. he couldn’t be alive. he died in the ambulance.

we never saw his body.

we never saw his body.

“the emts who took him to the hospital,” rossi was just as shocked as i was. “were they even certified? did we even check?”

“two unsubs,” derek “evans, and another one in there with reid.”

“is he even dead?”

those last four words seemed to echo endlessly through my body. had this bastard had my best friend for three weeks, and i didn’t even know? had all my mourning been for nothing? was spencer even alive, or was i just getting my hopes up?

is he even dead?

god, i hope not.

[theharellan]

101 DRAGON AGE QUESTIONS | not accepting

for the sake of reducing the number of ooc posts i’m answering these all in one and just @ing the people who asked the questions! thank you for them all!

if you sent me one of these btw and rbed this meme yourself and i didn’t send you something, please let me know! i want to send you things back and must have missed you reblogging the meme. this includes non-mutuals.

1. How did you get into Dragon Age? | asked by @kaaras-adaar & @dreamerlavellan​

Sort of by accident, actually. It was the summer between my freshman and sophomore years in university (2011) and summertime is generally a time of inactivity and depression because I cannot tolerate the weather here. My dad happened to own Origins and I picked it up because??? Fantasy? RPG?

Starting the game I saw you could play as a dwarf, who have been my favourites in fantasy since a child as The Hobbit is among my favourite books. Then after that I fell in love with the worldbuilding for dwarves and Gorim, my first actual Dragon Age love. I was more or less hooked after that. DA was actually not my first Bioware game, I was obsessed with Jade Empire as a kid so like Origins appealed to me immediately despite being far less fun to play than literally any other Bioware game I’ve ever played. The characters and world more than made up for it.

I beat it relatively quickly and my dad bought Dragon Age II which had come out earlier that day, actually against my suggestion because I’d heard it wasn’t good. And in this instance my dad forgetting something I said turned out for the best because I ended up enjoying DAII more in some respects. While it took me a while to join the fandom as a content producer I was a consumer and certified DA trash from then on.

2. Have you finished all three games? | asked by @kaaras-adaar

Kskjdfs yes. I’ve beaten each at least 4 times, but probably more like 8. The only thing I haven’t played are some of the Origins DLC because as much as I enjoy my replays I am so ready to be out by the end of the game (and I have the worst luck with Awakening bugs) and I also don’t have Sebastians DLC b/c his never goes on sale individually and I refuse to spend more than like $4 on him.

3. How long did it take you to finish the series? | asked by @kaaras-adaar

I honestly don’t know. I think it took me like a week to beat Inquisition without 100%ing it, I’d say my first playthroughs all probably took about that long. I tend not to do everything in my first playthrough. Like shard collecting didn’t happen until round two, etc.

7. Favorite DA:O backstory? | asked by @dreamerlavellan & @fatefaulted

I’ve played through all of them and I enjoy them all except Cousland, but my favourite is Aeducan. I enjoy the politics, the culture, the aesthetic of Orzammar. I love Gorim Saelac and the surprising amount of depth to this character who is designed to be thrown away after the prologue. I love how it ties you to the Darkspawn threat in a bigger way than any of the origins accomplish. I love how it ties you to the Orzammar plot later in the game, and playing Aeducan first is probably one reason why I adore that branch of the game. It’s a good origin that establishes its world really well and has great characters to boot.

11. Share a pic of your favorite OC from any DA game. | asked by @dreamerlavellan

I just want to share pics of my girl and Solas’ future husband.

Ian Lavellan, non-Inquisitor written by @theshirallen

Thora Cadash, dwarven Inquisitor and default Inquisitor for this blog written by... me lmao.

22. Favorite DA2 party combo? | asked by @fatefaulted

My main Hawke is a mage Hawke, so this party is horrendously imbalanced, but: Varric, Merrill, Isabela. They all just like each other and I think that’s neat. Although in act one my favourite is probably Carver, Merrill, Isabela / Varric. Unfortunately the game doesn’t want me to have a warrior in my party.

24. Favorite main-story quest from DA:I? | asked by @kaaras-adaar

It’s hard to pick between In Hushed Whispers and In Your Heart Shall Burn. I love seeing the red lyrium’d companions and the dark future of Thedas, and speculating on what happened in the intervening year. I love reflecting on what it must do for the Inquisitor to see that and have it be undone. I think it sets up the rest of the game really well, and in ways Champions of the Just doesn’t do quite as well.

In Your Heart Shall burn is a simpler quest but I think the power and emotions in the quest are so raw. Playing this the first time was riveting and I was on the edge of my seat. The triumph of closing the Breach, the strangeness of your first encounter with Cole (whose appearance at the gates is another reason I prefer IHW tbh, I think it’s more tension building than Dorian’s), Corypheus, crawling through the snow. Capping it off with The Dawn Will Come and the journey to Skyhold idk, it’s just such an emotional high point in the series that every time I replay I get goosebumps.

25. Favorite DA:I place? | asked by @fatefaulted

It’s a tie between the Frostback Basin and the Emerald Graves. I love the lore in both, as elf trash I prefer the lore in the graves especially if I can include the Din’an Hanin into that category. But the Avvar lore and Ameridan is also Very Good, and while I adore the giant trees of the graves the Frostback Basin clearly was able to have more resources poured into its design, and as a result the different sections of the map have so much more character.

A close runner-up is the Hinterlands, as I think the quests there are fun and it feels like home. I enjoy returning to it. Which is good, b/c I’ve played through it... a lot... I think loving it might be a coping mechanism, but also I love the vibe of the early game that’s best captured in the Hinterlands.

32. Favorite DLC mission overall? | asked by @fatefaulted

Trespasser is up there with Shivering Isles as my favourite DLC ever produced. Its hits every emotional beat I think it needed to hit, set up the next game with greater detail and intrigue than the initial epilogue, and I’m honestly dying to get to replay it again on Thora despite what it does to my nerves. The first time I played it I could feel my heart beating faster like wtf me.

37. Blood magic: yes or no? | asked by @hopewrought​

Would I use it myself? No. Morally I think it can be reprehensible but also neutral, much like any other magic in the game. In certain characters I think even if used for good it may encourage unhealthy habits, but I think it can be learned to be engaged with in better ways.

59. Who was written really poorly? | asked by @theshirallen you can’t hide behind anon I know it was you

Oghren fucking Kondrat. When I think about the reasons Origins is my least favourite game he is among them. With Oghren there was a really good chance to portray an alcoholic abuse victim, suffering from severe mental health issues, and still mourning his wife, with the respect it deserves. Instead he just... is a gross sexist dwarf and his alcoholism is mostly played for jokes. And then he comes back in Awakening and... continues to be a gross sexist dwarf whose alcoholism is mostly played for jokes.

There could have been some really interesting stuff with Oghren, the Warrior caste of dwarves I think would suffer from issues similar to qunari warriors, where when they can no longer fill the purpose society has dictated they must serve, what then? They can’t do anything but fight. There could be comradery with Sten, or perhaps Zevran or Alistair, or any of the companions who have had the path their lives took dictated to them by societal forces they had no say in (even if they are happy with that direction). There are snippets of good stuff in here, the line “let us show them our hearts, Warden, and then show them theirs” is one of the best of the good-byes the game offers us imo. It’s a shame about what came before.

Like there are other characters, such as Sera, who I think were done dirty by their writers, but Sera at least got some growth in the DLC and there were attempts to address criticism of her character. Oghren in Awakening was just kind of a take two of an already poorly-done arc.

60. Who do you wish had been given more story? | asked by @hopewrought​

I wish Briala had more, like that she had some impact on the story in universes where Gaspard isn’t crowned with her as his puppetmaster. She and the elves reappears in that but not if you reunite her with Celene or exile her, and I think it would’ve been neat. I also wish she’d had a chance to interact with Solas in some small way given how many parallels were drawn by one of his own agents during Masked Empire.

I also wish we had more about dwarves in general in 2 and Inquisition. We get some great lore in Inquisition that was set up in 2, but with our only dwarf companion being Varric, who honestly has a relationship with his race that at times is comparable to Sera’s, it pulls a few of its punches. I really think they have dwarves set up to be important players in the next game, with their architecture featuring heavily in the dev diary, buuut no dwarves to be seen. So who knows. Just give me dwarves in the next game who aren’t Varric Bioware pls. Let me kiss one maybe.

61. Favorite NPC? | asked by @kaaras-adaar​

I’m not going to count advisors even though they kinda are NPCs and I’m going to answer one for each game so uhh...

Origins - Anora

DA2 - Feynriel

DA:I - Krem

Bonus - Lord Woolsley, the only unproblematic DA character

63. Best story moment? | asked by @ghilannainguideme

It’s a tie between the journey to Skyhold and the talk with Solas at the end of Trespasser and the resulting disbanding of the Inquisition (if you so choose). I really can’t separate them because I think the reason Trespasser works so well is how it calls back to the very beginning of Inquisition and that moment with Solas in the snow. It’s triumphant and sad, something’s ending, the fellowship is breaking, but you know all of you will continue to work towards a better world apart.

In DA:O I think it’d be saying good-bye before the final battle and in DA2 I think the moment where you can tell the Arishok he was right to take in the elves who killed that guardmen is good. Probably one of the reasons why I think Hawke-Arishok work so well as a protagonist-antagonist combination.

81. Favorite fanfic? | asked by @ghilannainguideme​

I don’t read a lot of fanfic, actually. Save what I read on here, which I do count, but idk if other people do.

My favourite writers to read are @theshirallen​, obviously. Joly wants to tweakIan’s personal quest but I think the version they have written now is still very good and you can find it here. I love reading Peace’s stuff and find their smut especially spicy in the best possible way, you can find a Merrill/f!Mahariel piece here! Gaia doesn’t write on Tumblr much these days, but she wrote a wonderful Tug/Sketch (the companions from Leliana’s Song) that you can find here.

I follow so many talented writers and I can’t list them all but here are a few I can fire off real fast: @theshirallen / @ghilannainguideme / @seahaloed / @sabraelin / @valorcorrupt / @mercysought / @hopewrought / @ofrevas / @skyheld have all moved me with their words at some point, be it in fic or rp.

82. Favorite fanart/fanartist? | asked by @ghilannainguideme

Again I just can’t choose jsdfks.

The easiest way is to just link my Solas fanart tag. Obviously this favours Solas artists, however, so also here’s a link to thedaswlw where there’s a boatload of amazing fanart all of wlw.

Of people I’m mutuals with I know @abracafockyou, @kaaras-adaar, @dalathin (currently inactive but I gotta link them), and @syntharts​ are all very talented artists.  I’m also a big fan of destinyapostacy, nipuni, elbenherzart, starscollected (on twitter), and many more.

97. What’s your favorite DA mod? | asked by @ghilannainguideme​ & @hopewrought​

I’ll chose one as many as I want to apparently from each game again, b/c why not?

DA:O - I have to admit I find this game hard to mod because nothing can really salvage the gameplay or look of the game. I need Better Dwarf Model so I don’t have to look at the odd dwarf proportions in the game (the women have arms for days). Mostly I have armour mods. I like Grey Wardens of Ferelden so I can match Alistair in the final batte and have everyone in uniforms in Awakening. I do like Kirkwall Exports because I can put Zevran in the robes of the notorious pirate tho. I haven’t used this mod yet but I also love this mod I retweeted this morning.

DA2 - Again, I don’t mod 2 very much. You could probably make some kind of chart for correlating my enjoyment of a game versus my urge to mod it, with the more I love a game means I want to mod it more. With 2 I enjoy the combat and overall design of the characters more so I mostly use a couple of tweaks, my favourite is Ishs Scarf for Merrill which just adds a cute blue scarf to Merrill and hides the fact that elves in this game have weirdly long necks. Oh and a mod to fix the weird hand dirt.

DA:I - Equal Opportunity Solas mod, I bought the game again on PC just to use it. Being able to play Solas/Ian for screencaps was everything tbh. Other mods I enjoy are More Banter, which while I have better luck with banter it is nice to be able to count on it. I installed it this latest pt and I have heard location comments that have never triggered before. Black Hair for Everyone has changed my life because finally Thora doesn’t have grey hair. No Dirt Buildup is also amazing, as the dirt can cause some really weird blotting on PCs that’s especially noticeable on dark-skinned Inquisitors.

99. Where would you live (Ferelden, Orlais, Free Marches etc?) | asked by @heysales​​

Probably Ferelden. It is fantasy England and hey if I make it past Inquisition maybe nothing will ever happen there again. Somewhere in the Free Marches might also be chill. Not Kirkwall. Maybe Starkhaven? Honestly tho I just want to live in the Frostback Basin. Have a spirit friend. Shake hands with nugs.

101. If you could meet your Warden/Hawke/Inquisitor, what would you say? | asked by @dreamerlavellan​

If I met Thora I’d tell her I’m proud of her. She’d be confused, but that’s ok.

[cinemamablog]

5 Bloodthirsty Women Directed by Women

I can only make an educated guess about why women feel so drawn to vampiric or cannibalistic characters, but I have a hunch: cis women experience an intense and personal blood-letting on a monthly basis. It’s not pretty, and personally, I feel like a badass for making it through another week of heavy bleeding while going about my life and work. So I’m guessing women are drawn to the opportunity to externalize and make public such an intimate (but often treated as repulsive) aspect of our lives and anatomies.

In honor of Women in Horror Month and the US Blu-ray release of the Soska Sister’s Cronenberg reimagining, Rabid, Let’s start with my review of Rabid, and then we’ll travel back in time to the 1970s and onward.

1. Rabid (2020), Jen & Sylvia Soska

Rabid follows the sick fate of a socially anxious fashion assistant, Rose, as she undergoes experimental surgery to restore her mangled face to a state of normalcy. Rose begins to suffer from hallucinations of acting out on cannibalistic (you might even say rabid) desires. Or are they hallucinations? The question doesn’t linger long, since there wouldn’t be much of a movie for the audience to watch if the attacks only occurred in Rose’s imagination.

The Twisted Twins’ manifesto against the science of transhumanism, built on the foundation of David Cronenberg’s body horror classic of the same name, Rabid plays better the further its auteurs stray from their source material. References to the original film stick out in a negative manner, so that even if you don’t understand the reference, you have the gut feeling that it doesn’t belong in THIS movie.

For instance, Rose’s doctor and surgeon is named William Burroughs and it took me out of the movie, as I wondered: “wait, what does the writer William S. Burroughs have to do with this movie’s themes?” I know he hung out with the Beat poets, obsessed over occultism and chaos magick, and wrote the novel Naked Lunch. And then it clicked for me: David Cronenberg directed the film adaptation of Naked Lunch. Here I was, Googling “William S. Burroughs + transhumanism” and it wasn’t even that deep; just another thrown-in Cronenberg reference.

On the positive side of Rabid, the lead actresses, Laura Vandervoort and Hanneke Talbot, turn in impressive performances. All the male characters in Rabid act stilted and almost inhuman, which I love because that’s how most guys seem to me: an alien approximation of humanity due to growing so out of touch with themselves. (The men in the Soskas’ American Mary behave in a similar fashion, so I’m hoping it’s an artistic choice for them.) The third act delivers on the body horror promised by the very presence of the name “Cronenberg” on the Blu-ray cover, but I only wish my favorite sisters had littered the path to the third act with a few more gruesome treats to enjoy along the way.

2. The Velvet Vampire (1971), Stephanie Rothman

One of legendary producer/director Roger Corman’s few female proteges, Stephanie Rothman directed a desert sun-soaked, bisexual camp masterpiece. The plot of The Velvet Vampire follows a dimwitted California couple as they accept a mysterious and sexy woman’s invitation to her desert home. She lives in the desert, and despite a lack of respectful fear of the sun, maintains the deathly pallor of her skin. Since the audience knows the name of the film is literally The Velvet Vampire, the film lacks a sense of mystery, but makes up for it in over-the-top seduction scenes and a unique aesthetic for a horror film during this time period, when the costumed Hammer films were at their peak: a very American, very ‘70s romp in the desert. Sucking the poison from a snake bite has never been hotter, both figuratively and probably literally; that desert looks scorching.

3. Jennifer’s Body (2009), Karyn Kusama

Let’s take a break from vampires and rabid surgical victims, because Diablo Cody wrote a demonic masterpiece with her critically-panned, but universally adored, horror film, Jennifer’s Body, directed by genre favorite Karyn Kusama (The Invitation, Destroyer). 

The victim of a misogynist ritual at the hands of pretty pop punk boys (the most dangerous boys of all), a boy-crazy demon possesses Megan Fox’s character Jennifer’s body, driving her to eat her male classmates one-by-one to maintain her human shell. A lesbian subtext flows through the movie, as Jennifer’s best friend Needy’s (Amanda Seyfried) intense loyalty fails to hide an obvious romantic attachment, which the demon inside of Jennifer exploits. Megan Fox kills it as Jennifer and deserves plenty of recognition for originating this iconic role. Also, the entire soundtrack is a certified bop and instantly brings me back to high school, but in a good way. Please, movie studios, bring back pop punk soundtracks, like in the good old days of Jennifer’s Body and Snakes on a Plane.

4. A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (2014), Ana Lily Amirpour

Iranian-American director Ana Lily Amirpour’s debut feature takes place in a fictional dystopian town in Iran: Bad City. Shot in atmospheric black and white (is there any other kind of black and white?), the film follows a nameless, lonely, and skateboarding vampire as she dabbles in vigilante justice and basic human connection. Perhaps this simple movie wouldn’t play as well as it does without its unique look and unsettling performances, but to be fair, visuals and acting are a huge part of any great movie. Not every movie has to follow an epic, three act plot and A Girls Walks Home Alone at Night thrives on its own terms.

5. Raw (2016), Julia Ducournau

My personal favorite movie about cannibalism, Raw takes place in a veterinary school as the lead character, Justine (Garance Marillier), discovers an unignorable and genetic propensity for devouring human flesh, long evaded by her strictly vegetarian diet. The film draws a clear line connecting Justine’s cannibalistic revelation with her sexual awakening, even mixing the two elements (cannibalism and sex) in a gruesome love scene between Justine and her bisexual roommate. Justine’s sister Alexia (Ella Rumpf) confides a similar taste for human flesh and takes Justine under her wing, which drives the plot to a disturbing conclusion. For what it’s worth, Raw also features the most stressful bikini wax ever shot on film.

[likethetailofacomet]

Tag, I’m it

thanks @brightpinkpeppercorn and @ooo-barff-ooo for the tags! 

I love these getting to know you thingies. 

1) Are you named after anyone? Ha. okay, yes and it makes me laugh. My parents were big “Who’s the Boss?” fans and thought Alyssa Milano was adorable and also liked her name so... I’m Alyssa. 

2) When was the last time that you cried? 2 days ago after i got some unfortunate news that i’m still processing with the love and support of my family and friends (irl and these angels that I’ve met here in internet land <3) 

3)Do you have kids? No...

4)Do you use sarcasm alot? OH EM GEE DO I?! I’m rolling my eyes at myself right now. 

5) What’s the first thing you notice about people? If they are friendly. I really only have time for good peeps these days. 

6)Eye color? Blue 

7) Scary movie or happy ending? I’m a sucker for a happy ending (when called for- like, if shits hitting the fan like in the final minutes of act 3 and then all of a sudden its rainbows, I ain’t buyin’ what you’re sellin’.) BUT: My sister and I also have a thing for really terrible low budget horro movies from the 80s, so...both i guess?

8)Any special talents? Um...I don’t really think so? I was a bartender for years so I can make a mean cocktail and spin bottles and stuff...does that count? 

9) Where were you born? New Jersey, born and raised! I’m a shore baby! 

10) Do you have any hobbies? Too many sometimes. Writing, first and foremost. Reading, is coffee a hobby? the way I drink it it kind is. I love to bake- I am gluten and dairy free and its often like doing chemistry experiments to get things to taste right with substitute ingredients. I dabble in beekeeping- my father has 6 hives (over 200,000 bees!) and i help him inspect them and harvest honey. it’s real effin cool and if you have questions please ask because i’m low key obsessed with bees. 

11)Do you have any pets? Yes! I have a 6 year old cat named Sandy. We adopted her after she was found as a newborn in the aftermath of Superstorm Sandy. I also have a 2 year old Alaskan Husky named Theodor Herzel (named after a real person in history due to the similarities in facial hair) but we call him Theo for short and he is actually a limitless ball of energy. and fluff. 

12) How tall are you? 5′7″ 

13)What sports do you/ have you played? I have been a runner since I was walking; getting back into it now after some years off due to injury and surgery. I am also a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu blue belt, again getting back into it after time away. I am competitive in both- when I lived in Colorado I won the state championship tournament. As a kid i played softball but i was terrible TERRIBLE at it. I also danced but I am definitely the least coordinated person you know, so that didn’t last. I do love physical activity though, so i’m up to try any sport or venture. 

14) What was your favorite subject in school? In high school it was AP Literature (my teacher was PHENOMENAL, like i was in HS when LOST was a thing that the world was obsessed with, and this woman used to tape the episodes for me because she knew I worked on the nights it aired. Also she made me have very strong feelings about Beowulf.) And I also loved Play Production. I was in a play that we put on for grammar school kids called “The Princess Play”. I played Snow White- it was about a witch that was trying to cast a spell but her magic wasn’t woprking and she kept inadvertently summoning princesses to her cave. It was a riot. In college I loved LOVED loved this class that was a study on Geoffrey Chaucer and the whole thing was in middle english. (hi, i’m a certified nerd.) 

15) Dream Job? Easy peasy and needs no explanation: NOVELIST. 

tagging: @the-whiskeywife @endlesshero1122 @cordonianredruby @cordoniantrash

and like anyone else who wants to tell me about themselves. because again, i like these thingies. 

[thehiddenlawyer]

At Last-- the Light!

(This is going to be REALLY full of split personalities and slightly manic…tones so y’know, you’ve been warned. 

And everything I say below is my own life experience, and it does not claim to be objective or the truth. Just me. It’s also frantic and disjointed so forgive me. I’ll try to be more articulate later.)

You, darling Patrick, have your lizard, your cigarettes and your drink, I have my words since I don’t keep alcohol in the house and refuse to get more cigarettes.

Oh my darling man, my darling Patrick, don’t let me down. Don’t let yourself down…just hang on a bit longer. It gets better, I swear. Just hold on tight.

A few months ago when the trailers came out, the people closest to me saw what a terrifying impact the trailers by themselves had on me. With no exaggeration I tell you that I cried 48 hours straight when the trailer was released that had the bits of Some Hope in it, where he says he wants to break out into the real world. I told my sister that I had a breakdown, I told my Johnny and my other best friend that I was reacting like this, predictably I told @sobeautifullyobsessed​ (hereafter SBO) that I wasn’t handling it well at all. SBO reassured me, as she always does in her loving way. My sister and two best friends were so concerned that they were insisting that I just walk away from Patrick Melrose altogether, basically just burn the books, burn the memory of the TV shows existence, just ignore it completely.

I know a few of you lovelies here did that and I completely understand.

But there’s always been something about me that likes looking at things that terrify me. Like I’m arachnophobic and willingly walked into the tarantula exhibit at the zoo once, just to face my own terror (I didn’t last long and ran out of there hyperventilating and literally crashing into the walls). I don’t do well with crowds and always need to see my exit (massive agoraphobia that kept me away from the Infinity War premiere in LA) so a few weeks ago when I in an overcrowded pub, I kept looking behind me to feel the helplessness of being trapped.

So I refused to not watch Patrick Melrose.

Hell, I’ve been waiting for this adaptation for lifetimes it seems, so why the actual fudge would I not watch it?

And me, being me, didn’t want to admit this was happening to my therapist. I was somehow convinced that she would certify me as a loon and tell me I’m beyond help. Like I had this actual fear that my reaction to Patrick Melrose was a sign of completely mental instability, not just mental illness. I felt like if I admitted to my therapist that I cried for 48 hours straight because of that trailer, or that I consumed every atom of information about the TV adaptation that I could even though it made me physically sick to see Patrick, she was going to call the hospital and have me locked away.

I was convinced.

But I told her, because I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

And she looked at me the way all therapists look at their patients, as if they know we’re waiting for them to tell us we’re hopeless, and she asked me to articulate why I loved this character so much. I outlined it the way I have for you guys, the way I have for Mr. C. in a hapless letter I sent along for him a bit ago, and she blew me away. She told me she saw the parallels, definitely understood why I was so taken with this character and why I was reacting so…viciously to it all.

Then she asked me the most simple question—she asked “how does his story end?”

And I very clearly remember sitting in my therapist’s cramped office and weeping when I remembered At Last, weeping because I remembered the way he picked himself up, the way he shed all that darkness and embraced this new and beautiful life with his wife and children. He rendered the venom useless, he was finally victorious.

But again, me being me, and Patrick being my Patrick, I was doing a book-by-book comparison with my life. I had this running list in my head:

Book 1- Never Mind- Patrick, aged 5. It begins, he escapes into the gecko. Me, aged 5. It began, I escaped into creating characters in my head to escape.

Book 2- Bad News- Patrick, early 20’s. Addictions galore. Ishtar, early 20’s. Addictions galore.

Book 3- Some Hope- Patrick- late 20’s. Law school. Wants to stop existing and start living, tired of hating. Ishtar- late 20’s….well, I’m late 20’s right now. Law school, want to live, tired of hating.

Book 4 and Book 5— early 40’s Patrick……..But I’m still 28.

So I saw the last two books as like a prediction to how I’ll end. Slipping and sliding through sobriety, failing at being a mother and wife, at being a daughter and sister, failing at being me because I haven’t been able to let go.

In my previous post about Mother’s Milk I talked about my inability to connect to the book but the 5th resonated with me.

Mother’s Milk Patrick, I’m starting to understand, hurt me deeply. He let me down.

He was this example for me. Like I got to Some Hope and I was like “okay. Good. Good! This is REALLY good. This means I’m going to be okay. This means I’m going to live through all these memories and nightmares and all my failures.”

In the beginning of Mother’s Milk I had the sense of “okay! He’s married! He has a family! He’s having babies! Good! That means that by the time I’m his age, since everything else has held true….then I’m going to have a family of my own too.”

And then he slipped. And he broke my heart.

Darling please don’t drink, for us.

He led me down. He led me down big time, because if Patrick slipped and fell, then that was my inventible fate…Weird thinking ain’t it?

But that’s the way it is.

Don’t give up. Hold on a little longer. It gets better.

It has too.

The last book was…weird for me in A LOT of ways.

I don’t deal with death very easily or at all. I know most people don’t but…I’ll explain in a bit.

I’ve told people that I thought I could trust and gotten a horrendous response to my confession.

I’ve been obsessed with sex, understanding sex, understanding the difference between sex and intimacy in my own life, failing, and finding myself disgusted with the simplest touches.

And the tv adaptation caught something that I really appreciate—the resistance to touch. I’ve never verbally talked to anyone except my therapist about my past, I’ve mentioned it in passing to my sister and friends. But even if I’m just thinking about what happened, I can’t stand the idea of being touched. I hate being touched, I really do. If you ever meet me in real life, do not be offended that I don’t like being touched. Like, even if I’m sitting on the couch with someone I adore, and their thigh is touching mine just because we’re squished together, I will contort my body so that we’re not touching.

I can’t stand it.

And I like that the TV showed it, when he’s with Mary and telling her about his rage.

Death—

I’ve emphasized this a few times but I want to again—I have a great relationship with my parents. I don’t tell them everything but I confide most things in them. I worship the ground they walk on but they are human, and like all parents, they gave me some baggage.

As an adult, as someone both paranoid and curious about why I am the way I am, I’ve come to recognize that I had massive anxiety as a child. This anxiety in children usually manifests itself in the child’s inability to let go. I get teased, to this day, about the fact that I would cry if mom had to throw away an old pair of shoes or an old, broken tie. The concept of good-bye, of being deprived of someone/something was unbearable. I remember sitting in the spider infested attic alone in Iran one time, weeping, because I knew my parents had thrown away a pair of shoes that were completely useless. We also lived with my grandparents back then, and they were in their 80’s when I was born—beautiful, inspiring souls, I adored them. But my grandma would inadvertently say things that all the old women in my culture and most Middle Eastern cultures say, asking me what if I’d weep for her when she died, if I’d be sad. She wasn’t being malicious, she was just asking her youngest and favorite granddaughter about her reaction.

Instead of understanding from my parents, I got rolled eyes from them. They’d tuck me into bed between them, usually little spoon to mom’s big spoon, with dad’s lips pressed in a sleepy, mustachioed kiss to my forehead. They’d murmur sleepily that I shouldn’t worry about it, that I should just say my prayers, that it was all going to be okay. I’d fall asleep nestled between these two human beings that I love more than anything else, so secure in their love and comfort, and just have panic attacks about losing them someday.

Those grandparents passed away, out of my visual sight, in Iran a few years ago.

My other grandma, however, is a death that cut me very deeply.

I’ve always been this weird source of strength for my family and I have no idea why. I’m both my parents’ confidant, I always have been. If something’s bugging them, I’m the first person they turn to. So when my other grandma got extremely sick and slipped into a coma, my mom turned to me, and asked me if they should sign the DNR order.

I was 22.

I carried my family through that ordeal, making funeral arrangements…all the business of death because I didn’t want mom to go through it.

But that horrible, horrible anxiety tripled and quadrupled and I stay awake nights thinking about death. About the death of my loved ones, about death of my enemies, about my own death.

With everything happening these past few weeks, I’m going to admit that I have been suicidal in the past. When Patrick in At Last talks about being on the motorway or being in a tall building and wondering if the fall would be fatal…I’ve done that and I have bad days when I do that. It’s with…shame and terror at my own thinking that I admit the first thing I thought of when I moved to San Francisco was that I’m by the ocean, I live by a cliff, there are three bridges in my vicinity, the university is six stories tall, and even my own flat is high enough.

And the only reason I haven’t taken advantage of a tall building is I can’t do that to my mom and dad.

My best friend and I have weird sense of humor- my Jonny that I always go on about. Just like Patrick and his Johnny, we joke about death all the time. But sometimes I wonder if he realizes I’m not completely kidding…

So, I live, and I kept the promise to myself and I’ve found the light.

It flickers, but it’s there.

Just hang on darling, one more night. The sun’s going to shine again tomorrow, I promise. I swear.

Don’t give up.

So imagine my reaction when Patrick ends up in the suicide ward…There was a sense of “hmm, maybe I’m ahead of schedule?” and “shit! I’m gonna end up there too!”

As far as suicide, I’m ahead of schedule, I promise.

But how the fuck do you deal with death??? 

The Confessions

One of the most…nightmarish things I read in the book was Patrick’s confession to Eleanor that he’d been raped, and her response of “me too.”

Like what the fuck.

Christ this is gonna be a long post if I have to go into it….

I can’t forgive Eleanor, as much as I can’t ever forgive David.

Eleanor was raped and abused too, but she wasn’t a helpless 5-year-old kid.

I can’t accept any excuses for her. Patrick may have forgiven her but I really can’t.

When my need for verbal vomit and endless confessions started, I had this weird mental list of people I’d tell.

Jonny, by default. And everyone else kinda started popping up randomly, and I mean these people from my real life. My sister was a last minute surprise, so was my other best friend.

My other sister…she’s being proven a disaster…As some of you know, I’m getting a Patrick Melrose tattoo in a few weeks time and I’ve been having fun trying to figure out how I’ll justify it to people—especially my parents. But this unknowing sister of mine is going to be the one that protests the most, and I don’t know what to tell her. Do I just ask her to read the books again so I can gauge her reaction? Or do I just say “never mind” and walk away?

There are two other people that I’ve told that left me….bleeding, and so disappointed.

One is a cousin that’s more like a sister and my best friend. She’s pretty close to me in age but older. We’ve told each other pretty much everything since we were kids. We’re partners in crime. If I find a way to get into trouble, she’s always along for the ride. Everyone in the family just thinks of us as being joined at the hip. So during the verbal vomit, I went to her house because she’s a BC addict too and we used to have marathons (you’ll see in a moment why I’ve retracted from this great love of mine). She was in the kitchen, and this is a week after I started therapy, and she studies psychology by the way. We were chattering and gossiping nonstop like we always do, and I felt the words, the confession bubble through me in an unstoppable force. She would be the second person I was going to tell…and I basically just blurted it out, and told her why I was so angry when I found out they’d invited all three of my rapists to her wedding. She didn’t really say anything, just raged for a bit and we dropped the subject. When the craziness with Patrick Melrose started though, I ran to her first, and I told her that I was reacting this passionately and it was scary and could she please just listen to me.

You know what she said?

“Just stop thinking about it. Bad things happen to everyone. Just stop thinking about it.”

She shut me down, and I don’t know if she’s realized that I’ve completely shut her out too.

I share my joys with her, and she still turns to me when she needs an ear to chew but I haven’t had a real conversation with her ever since that day. I can’t trust her anymore, it still stings to get shut down like that.

I like the basic principal, I would LOVE to stop thinking about it but...it’s not that easy. 

The other disappoint was another friend, a former lover who has become a friend anyway. I emailed her my story, and she responded with an email that was more about her than me. But I forced sympathy between the lines and took it for myself, even though it wasn’t there. But she did reassure me that she would be there for me, no matter what, always and forever.

And when I couldn’t help being overcome by what has been happening as I heal…I sent her a text in a manic, panicked state, begging for a kind word, for some love, for some sympathy because I was trapped, and she was the only lifeline…

I got the most generic response from her “Oh, I’m so sorry” and that was it.

I had to shut her away too.

Hold me, love me, kiss me, hug me. never let go but darling I can’t stand your touch right now. Go away but stay…make it stop.

I have friends in this community now that I can turn to, that have made me swear to text them if I needed them and they are…beautiful, amazing life savers. And I dunno what I’d do without you guys, especially SBO and @stlgeekgirl​. Like you two? Muh fuckin’ lifesavers, straight up.

I also have my bestie. I wasn’t sure how she’d react. She teases me endlessly about my love for Cumberbatch (although her nickname for him is not at all flattering or worth repeating. She replaces the A with an I…) so I felt compelled to explain to her. Now she’s the one that I run to and she’s always there, waiting with open arms.

A few days ago (holy shit, yesterday—Friday), I woke up with a memory, that there is a picture out there of the day it started happening. I was convinced that the picture was real, taken at some family function, the day I was raped for the first time…and I found it. And I sent it to her, crying with my hands shaking and she lamented the fact that I looked distraught in the picture and my mom looked like she was trying to soothe me.

And she talked to me, and she talked me through it, and she made sure I was talked out before getting me to talk about the tattoo.

When Edward St. Aubyn talked about his mother’s reaction, and when it was brought to life on screen…I can’t begin to imagine what it was like for ESA to hear that from his mother. To have years of torture be so brazenly acknowledged and dismissed in a single breath. What happened to me wasn’t as horrendous as his experience, but I felt the pain, I’ve felt the dismissal. There’s a sense of betrayal. You can physically feel your heart breaking with disappointment.

Confession is not a light or easy thing.

I don’t skip around and just tell everyone I was raped by my cousins as a child. That’s not how it works.

When I want to tell someone about it, a family member or a friend, it’s a piece of trust in that person that is…beyond this world. It’s the hardest thing I can do. So to have that kind of reaction be your solace?

I can’t forgive ESA’s mother nor Eleanor.

 Sex—

For those who have read my writing it might come as a shock that I’m a bit of a prude in real life when it comes to sex. Well, sex with men…we’ll leave the other half unspoken of for now.

Being touched and getting touched…I can have the love of my life on top of me, telling me he wants me, that he loves me, and I’ll suddenly be frozen with fear and need him to back off and let me catch my breath. For me, for my brain, that’s how it happens.

Just imagine how terrible it is though—you crave someone’s touch, their body, the very air in their lungs, the beating of their heart in their chest, the heat of their bodies, the salt of his skin…you lay awake nights, your legs sawing beneath your blankets, imagining his breath in your ear

And when he’s actually there?

You need to push him away.

That’s me.

I’ll sit somewhere, I’ll chat up whoever (my love life is long and complicated so let’s not go into all of that right now) and I’ll imagine having sex with them with the same clarity and determination as Patrick. But when push comes to shove, I can’t handle being touched.

Will I ever tell the love of my life why I need him to physically stay away from me after months and months of separation?

I don’t know.

I’ve been on a murder mystery docuseries kick lately after filling my head with the Bar…I watched The Keepers on Netflix (Don’t watch unless you have a strong stomach!) and one of the women who was talking about her abuse was talking about how she was deprived, by her abuser, of her mother’s confidence and trust in her mother’s ability to keep her safe.

That struck me and I’ve been wrestling with it and trying to figure out if I have any blame that I might be parceling out to my parents, that they somehow let this happen.

But I can’t find it there, and for that, at least, I’m grateful.

Patrick Melrose has been a revelation.

I’ve always been really good with words and expressing myself bur he gave me a starting point, multiple starting points, to start conversations that needed to be had.

It’s the strangest feeling to be able to send someone a clip of the show and be like “I do that! I literally do that all the time. I feel like that, all the time! Remember that one time I nearly pushed so-so off the chair cuz they tried to touch me? Yeah! See?”

 But what At Last did for me was serve as a reminder that if I’m meant to parallel Patrick’s life forever, then I’ll find my peace eventually too.

One thing that REALLY struck me was an interview with Benedict Cumberbatch a few days ago where he says he hopes the show will remind people that “it’s gonna be alright, it’s gonna be ok” and started reciting the lyrics of the song “come on come on come on get through this”.

I don’t think BC knows how much that meant to me.

I hope he finds out some day.

SO GUESS WHAT

I WATCHED THE EPISODE

I WEPT

FOR TWO HOURS STRAIGHT

THEN I WENT OUT AND RAN

I HOPED IT WOULD RAIN TO HIDE MY TEARS

BUT THERE’S NO HIDING NOW BABY

THERE’S NO HIDING NOW

LIVE IN THE SUNSHINE

STEP OUT INTO IT

DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE PAST

DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE DARKNESS

I STAND HERE AS A REMINDER THAT IT’S GOING TO BE OKAY

THAT YOU’RE GOING TO BE OKAY

THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

I GUARANTEE IT

I’VE SEEN THE LIGHT

I’VE FELT ITS WARMTH

I’VE TASTED ITS JOY

HANG ON

IT’S GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.

AND WHEN THE DARKNESS GETS TOO MUCH, I’M HERE FOR YOU.

JUST LIKE MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN THERE FOR ME.

PATRICK MELROSE HAS GIVEN ME A TONGUE, A PLATFORM, A LANGUAGE, A STRENGTH TO KEEP TELLING MY STORY AND ENCOURAGING OTHERS TO SHARE THERES.

YOU’RE NOT ALONE.

DON’T EVER THINK YOU ARE.

I might add to this because none of this makes any goddamn sense, but you know what?

I just took a deep breath.

[floggingink]

Riverdale, “Chapter Eighteen: When a Stranger Calls”

good afternoon, this episode made me lose sleep

Jughead doesn’t even have his framing narration voiceover, because he is in too much pain, RETROACTIVELY, to WRITE IT DOWN

this is a great episode, but it’s especially a great episode for Betty’s left eyebrow, Alice’s left eyebrow, and Jughead’s pecs

there’s a very STEALTHY ticking clock sound in the background of Betty and the Black Hood’s phonecall, taken in spirit, I hope, from Hans Zimmer’s Dunkirk soundtrack, where you don’t notice it but the protracted effect makes you feel like you’re going crazy

Jughead is Betty’s “mystery-loving boyfriend”

Alice was fond of Jughead so long as he was on Betty’s newspaper staff and showed Alice compassion when her family life was crumbling, but now that he lives in a different zip code she’s over it

Archie in green is always his best choice

Archie of course walks Betty to school and of course promises not to tell a secret before he hears it

does Betty enlist Archie as her handmaiden because he’s the best choice (will do as she says, will not branch out on his own, will refuse on moral grounds to abandon her) or because she can do so with the least amount of fanfare?

“BETTY, YOU HAVE TO TELL THE POLICE, EVEN IF IT’S NOT HIM.” Archie drops some vintage bon mots today!

The Blossom spawn: it’s incredible that the Black Hood knows where Polly is when it seems like Betty doesn’t even know

Dilton Doiley is a canonically great dancer: Dilton’s stunt got the southside into more trouble, which seems like exactly the amount of power he wants to wield

remember last season when Dilton caved to Jughead’s threat of exposing him as a gun-loving loon? Dilton has purged his life of all semblances of normalcy, out in the open, so no one can do that again

apparently now we can all chill in Hiram’s study with him

Veronica was rich: Hiram’s true crime is gentrification! sounds about right!

Certified pedigree: Veronica perks up and Hermione and Hiram look at each other and agree to the same game plan silently: pimp her out

Sweet Pea is, I think, showing commendable patience towards Jughead, for someone who does not necessarily have to, for still having this particular girlfriend and best friend (“your boy, Andrews”) after day after day of southside-reasons not to. Jughead is like….I know….I don’t control them….

Jughead did not see Veronica shooting a gun coming! poor Jug is so out of the loop!

I guess Fangs earned his stripes? was it by getting an engineering degree?

What damn high school in America: okay wait, I missed before when they explained that “Fogarty’s cousin” is “in the Army” and was “going to build us something.” I can’t believe they actually FUCKING EXPLAIN IT

Sweet Pea did not know who he was talking to when he tried to hit Jughead with “It can’t get any worse.” Jughead is like, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING—

“You can’t be half a Serpent”: it’s FASCINATING TO ME how the actual on-the-ground Serpents deal with Jughead, who is familially a Serpent but not an indoctrinated one, who has been baptised but not confirmed, if you will, who keeps telling them to knock it off with the gang stuff, and yet they’re like, very careful about giving him latitude to move around in their world without having paid his membership fee, you know? I just think it’s amazing how, and I know it’s a TV show and not like a documentary, but I think it’s an interesting choice how Sweet Pea isn’t just like, Get fucked, Jughead. he hears Jughead’s objections. he explains himself

These students are legally children: the grown-up Serpents either ghost-endorse the Serpent kids taking matters into their own hands or have no idea it’s happening. either way, these kids may not have flashy extracurriculars, but they have moxie

Toni calls Sweet Pea an idiot, which is great

Veronica says she and Nicky were the “will-they-or-won’t-they” of her old “jet-set”

admirably, she immediately tells Archie not to worry about him

Betty is barely hanging on to patience for absolutely anything

I want it on the record that Jughead not wearing his fleece jacket is slightly jarring after all this time and that he still looks great in the leather one

Sweet Pea calls him a “northsider” when he walks in, which seems like a callback to a World War II sergeant calling everybody “ladies”

I’ve seen Brick like thirty times: Jughead is lit from behind by one of the yellow lamps, casting a glow around his hat like a fucking Renaissance painting

Gay?!: SERPENT DADDDDDYYYYY is going to “initiate” Jughead, because Riverdale loves me

Toni is looking at Jughead like she truly regrets his death, which is probably right

Archie, chilling out with Betty in her bedroom, totally without sexual pretence and just there to listen to the phone call on speaker, is GOOD ARCHIE

when Betty parries the Black Hood’s demand with her own, Archie mouths “WHAT ARE YOU DOING,” because he set a game plan

Betty is blue is her best choice

“Wait...is that…” ...VINTAGE TWIN PEAKS-ERA MÄDCHEN AMICK??!

the baby Serpents lined themselves up classically, in descending order from the middle, for Jughead’s aesthetic benefit

is it possible Toni is the only one who knows Jughead’s name is Forsythe?

Archie is pretty okay with Betty building this relationship with the Black Hood, as you will remember Archie is just as obsessed with him. also, Archie is taking it pretty well that it turns out BH is into Betty instead of him. he’s not insulted or anything

he’s SO RIGHT about Alice always ragging on all of them, too! Archie’s sudden flashes of insight are revelatory

the St. Clairs are appropriately fur-covered and smug, and Nicholas St. Clair, AKA ZACH FLORRICK FROM THE GOOD WIFE, is adorable and that actor has looked exactly like that for the past seven years

why didn’t Nicky and Veronica ever sync up? they’re both schemers and that’s a difficult needle to thread? like Blair and Chuck?

I am insulted on Betty’s behalf that Alice would think Betty would write the cipher herself, in that I would hope Alice would know Betty would have more sense than to be so obvious as to use a Nancy Drew code

Jughead is officially Betty’s “Serpent boyfriend”!!!! we have arrived, Alice!

50 Shades of Betty: Betty straight destroys her mother after getting eye-rolled at

Archie does bicep curls on his bed because he’s THAT good-looking

Toni’s FLANNEL TIGHTS are great

Jughead calls Sweet Pea an idiot too, after Toni opened that gate

OF COURSE Jughead is only joining the Serpents to try and keep the peace, because he finally found a cause to martyr himself to that is as grungy and doomed as possible and with no goshdarn way he can succeed

I’m down with the six rules! but I don’t think the show has told me exactly what being a Serpent entails yet. like what do gangs do? the Serpents aren’t a particularly druggy gang, apparently, like the motorcycle dudes in True Detective (the Ghoulies) or anything. it seems like they mostly exist to get ragged on and take care of their widows, like a very sad union

Jughead is truly scared to stick his hand in that tank and if Kevin were there he would have burst into tears

in fond congratulations, Toni calls him “Juggie,” which set off a synaptic transmission in my amygdala first time around. Jughead does a double take at it and Toni herself looks kind of like, Whoops, but then sort of pleased at her own daring

POP DOESN’T JUDGE. HE WAS HERE DURING THE RIOTS AND HE DOESN’T JUDGE

Betty having her own fucking newspaper makes me so fucking happy. I fucking love Betty goddammit

Betty’s splash of sparkles on her sweater is great too. YOU’RE ALWAYS SO PRETTY BETTY

Hermione made a flan. Hermione kind of cooks! ...unless it was Andre

Nicky’s bullet is kind of cute, in a stupid way

Archie was blindly terrified to drink rum, so I don’t think he’s going to snort cocaine

in the beginning of this episode, in the beginning, Nicky basically IS Veronica. just watch it and pretend Camilla is reading all his lines. he calls Archie “Big Red” and everyone “country mice” and says things like “What a brave new world it is” and thinks it’s hot Veronica is in a band with a sexy name. and Veronica knows this, and it makes her uncomfortable

“Damn good coffee”: the retro “Lollipop” ringtone is psycho by only the second time you hear it. Dilton would love it

“How does it feel, Betty?” FEELS GREAT!

Black Hood out here really believing Veronica is complicit with her father’s crimes??? maybe if it was for getting that girl to drink gutter water

Betty and Jughead haven’t seen each other in 24-48 hours and their meetup kiss is like if Jughead like, immigrated to America and sent money back home FOR YEARS while he worked in THE MINES until he saved enough for Betty to join him and they just met on the pier during a glorious sunset, I didn’t get a lot of sleep!!!!! the kiss is really good. is it the best kiss? it’s because it’s like their first kiss but over the other shoulder. was their best kiss in the trailer park with the God light?

THEY FEEL “UNMOORED” WITHOUT EACH OTHER, GOOD EVENING DEATH

obviously the best kiss was when Jughead tossed her up on his countertop like she was a black truffle salad at the Grill Room and bit her collarbone

Jughead: “I just wanted to make sure you were still alive.” Betty: “KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.”

Jughead read the Blue & Gold article online and glowed with pride. he showed Sweet Pea: “SEE. SHE writes stuff like THIS.”

aw, they’re both sitting there, holding hands, lying to each other

I love Jughead wanting to literally leave Riverdale. Season One Jughead was obsessed with Riverdale. Season Two Jughead is like FUCK Riverdale

I hate how Jughead is gazing at Betty from across the table when she cries her single tear because it was so beautiful I had to punch through a window like Josh Lyman and it hurt and I retroactively hate Jughead for that

Betty calls them “Romeo and Juliet, but we live happily ever after instead,” because she doesn’t know she’s only eighteen minutes into the episode

Nick’s white cardigan? sure

he gets another Veronica line with “You Pussycats are pearls before the swine of Riverdale.” is this how people in Manhattan talk now?

Cheryl’s a chaos angel from hell: Cheryl gets herself invited to the party by introducing herself, which would not work if this were Jane Austen, unless Nick were Henry Crawford, but Cheryl’s got this like black romper thing going on and posed in the doorway like one of the “Cell Block Tango” girls and at this point is a walking Riverdale legend

“Ten o’clock you said? I’ll be there at eleven.”

Archie crashes gently into someone while he chases Betty, which is a callback to Archie constantly falling over shit in the comics

Veronica probably went to the Gilded Lily after one of those Met Galas she keeps comparing things to

I think Gal Gadot’s last name is more like “Gadought” (not really like that) than like in Waiting for Godot, but whatever Cheryl wants

God bless jingle-jangle: my man hooked him up!!!

Veronica’s layered floral dress is like what my ten-year-old self being dressed by my mom for church wished one day I would be cool enough to wear. I don’t go to church now, but I still hope one day I will be cool enough to wear it

Cheryl’s sheaths: Cheryl’s art deco dress is really good too

Melody is in a GREAT ruffly red jumpsuit

Kevin in like, Don’t mind if I do!

Melody is like DON’T MIND IF I DO

Reggie and Josie are making out when they’re high, because they’re contractually obligated as the two most beautiful people in the room

Betty is miserable, like a teacher chaperoning a dance where the kids are allowed to grind

Cheryl’s hair: Cheryl whips her hair around like Beyoncé in the video for “Baby Boy” and I had to punch another window

it took me a second to remember that Betty had to alienate Veronica and that that was why she was suddenly talking to her like Drunk Alice and that it wasn’t just Pissed Betty

Betty’s read is pretty good! exactly what Veronica is afraid of: that she has been performing as a good girl this whole time. or that people only think she is performing it. “You’ll always be a bad person.” but Veronica is very measured for someone a little drunk and high! (are you “high” if you’re on jingle-jangle?) she calmly tells Betty to leave. BECAUSE SHE IS A GOOD PERSON

damn this episode is so low-lit. like, Hannibal dark. I can barely fucking see Jughead in this trailer. Toni is half-lit by the mysterious blue trailer park light and is beautiful, so we can see her laced-up jeans

Jughead doubts it: Jughead has a very Jugheadian response to the Gauntlet: “It’s whatever.”

Toni wants to be clear that if Jughead joins this gang, everyone else will abandon him. Jughead is like...This one time...I choose not to believe it...

Summer + Blair = Veronica: Veronica still thinks Betty is her best friend and that something weird just happened that she will investigate later. Veronica is so fucking LEVEL-HEADED

Veronica unfortunately has to engage in the dance of “Mmmm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression…” when Nick just like strokes her thigh, like she isn’t clearly happily with Archie or just a person who may not want a thigh-stroking right this minute

Nick calls Archie a “hayseed yokel”

good slap! GOOD SLAP, ZACH

Betty dragged herself out to this, the world’s most suspect bus stop, in a staging not even Alfred Hitchcock would have dared pitch to Grace Kelly

Lili Reinhart does something shockingly good every episode, but Betty’s breakdown, especially her shudder-shiver breath when her phone rings, is so far beyond what the CW deserves

when BH is like “JUGHEAD,” and Betty is like “[gasp] NO,” and I’m like “I’M OUT OF WINDOWS”

...you know what the greatest trope of all time is?

—no. the greatest trope of all time is Make Him Think You Don’t Love Him. solidly, confidently, signed, sealed, delivered, the greatest, most delicious, stupidly painful thing one character can do to another. it combines SO MUCH lurid goodness: two people who, apparently, shouldn’t be together; desperate heroic measures; lack of communication—for safety reasons!; selflessness; self-torture; “I DON’T UNDERSTAND”; BRUTAL WORDS; hitting him where you know it hurts; the heartbreaker is always a GREAT actor suddenly; turning the corner after going through with it and weeping abjectly; DANGER AVOIDED BUT SOMETHING EVEN WORSE HAPPENING!!! just like—just like in Moulin Rouge! like in Twilight for god’s sake! you loved that part!

I do like how BH has no particular objection to Jughead as his own person but rather just to his father and his circumstances. Jughead’s a good kid, says BH

Archie’s Captain America Henley is back and better than ever

who is Archie calling? endless possibilities, but I hope Veronica

Archie gets EVEN MORE little moments of greatness seeing Betty spiral (is she spiralling?) and being like, Betty, this is not sustainable: “How are you going to put yourself through that?” I know there are like 12 Archies on this show, but this is one of the sweet ones

I don’t even know if it’s totally clear that Betty is telling him to “break up” with Jughead inasmuch as just keep him away from her for a couple days or so. is it possible Betty just wants Archie to be like, “Something’s happening but we have it under control, so stop coming to Pop’s”? how much credit am I giving these two?

Archie > Dawson: Archie has never been wiser than with “You HOPE we can.” and the look he gives her? devastatingly fleeting sagacity. he knows Jughead is Soft Grudge Boy

Betty knows what she’s doing using a sports metaphor on Archie’s conscience

okay what the fuck does “SoDale” mean. South Riverdale?

Best costume bit: Hermione’s white cutout dress and top knot are Academy-worthy

Veronica’s “charm offensive”

OH YEAH, FRED’S STILL THERE

ooooh Hal certainly stepped up with Alice gone, did he not?

when Alice strides in in the Outfit, there are some prop-girls at the tent entrance in denim skirts and hard hats, like as pretend construction workers

Mädchen Amick, MÄDCHEN AMICK: Alice’s, I don’t know what to call it, flowy snakeskin cape-suit is either something she had stashed or something she bought on Amazon Prime that morning. is this what FP meant when he said she didn’t dress like the southside anymore? is this the other option, besides flannel? ...Toni? JUG?

the eyebrow? “Shove it, Hal”? Cheryl walks in too late, if you ask me

is Nick’s bowtie like .5% too big?

Veronica is in the midst of deciding whether or not to say “I DON’T GIVE A SHIT” when she sees her parents talking to Nick’s parents and feels the pull of her father telling her she was a real part of Lodge Industries now

poor fucking lonely Cheryl. Cheryl is ALONE. Cheryl looks good!

ARCHIE TAKES A TURN in this scene from the upcoming Hostel III: My Favorite Characters. was I ready for the greatest moment in the history of television Wednesday night? I was not. nothing else measures up: “The hardest thing to do in this world is to—” —who? “Cruciatus in crucem” what? who shot JR? I don’t even care. Jughead thought Archie was here to save him. don’t talk to me

The female gaze: Jughead’s tank top is back, because on top of everything else he should be physically vulnerable (direct quote from Sweet Pea)

I’m writing a scene where it’s gay.: Jughead SO GENTLY puts his hands on Archie’s shoulders to try and communicate by Morse code how urgently Archie needs to leave

Archie was going along with Betty’s instructions up until Sweet Pea & the Gang strolled up, and then it turned into him breaking up with Jughead for Betty and breaking up with Jughead for Archie, because Archie explodes when he’s angry and he just got like really angry

“thugs” is a terrible thing to say, when Archie obviously means “like-minded young men who want to protect their clan, as I do my own, like I did that one time”

the wrongness of calling Reggie and Dilton Jughead’s friends is blatant, but implying that Veronica got attacked is either Archie being a garbled storyteller or Archie rounding up to make Jughead’s crime, or whatever, even worse, as if Jughead is being a bad friend. Jughead is practically THE BEST FRIEND ON THIS SHOW

Jughead (I just took my glasses off, for a visual of the unplumbable depths of my emotion) asking Archie if Archie came to warn him that the Serpents are dangerous, because Archie loves him, is so motherfucking sad, it’s sadder than like, like anything else, it’s sadder than the end of Homeward Bound when you’re eight and you think Shadow fucking died in that trainyard (before he comes back; spoilers for Homeward Bound: the Incredible Journey)

Archie’s follow-up is that Betty doesn’t want to be with him anymore, and in fact hasn’t wanted to be with him for a while, which, on top of everything else!, is mortifying to a certain kind of person, that someone you enjoy being with has been rolling their eyes at you behind your back

Gay.: okay Sweet Pea looking back at Fangs, who’s like, Mhmmm, when Archie’s doing his thing, is really good

Sweet Pea is really good throughout! he’s standing there but he doesn’t step in, even at the “dark side” stuff. he’s kind of minding his own business!

Jughead is apparently so wretched about himself that the incongruity of this attack isn’t even a blip on his radar. he’s not like, Archie, respectfully, this is coming out of nowhere. Archie, what? What the hell? instead he’s like, The day has come

Archie’s pornographic cruelty here (which is precisely what Betty told him NOT TO DO) is to include the “agonizing over it” detail, which is a REALLY GOOD detail, and then his AMAZING bluff about “CALL HER.”

Jughead’s internal certainty about Betty’s unimpeachable conduct starts to crack

“She saw where you were headed. We all did.”: it’s not enough that Betty, the creature he loves most in all the world, thinks he’s trash and wants him gone, but it’s all of us, and Jughead buys it because he’s conditioned to expect that everyone will tolerate him up until the point they realize he’s trash and want him gone, as the Powers That Be, like he put it, keep telling him over and over and over (his mother, his father, Reggie, Sheriff Keller, Fred Andrews, the Rockland County school system, Alice, Sweet Pea, Toni, Archie)

Archie knows he might’ve put a toe over the line (obliterated it?) when Jughead looks like he’s about to cry, and Jughead tells him he got it and he just quietly says “Yeah,” and walks away, through the Serpents, who leave him alone

I honestly don’t know what Sweet Pea was about to say before Jughead cut him off! something bracing? he was definitely AT LEAST going to be neutral. there’s no “I told you so,” which is good otherwise Jughead might’ve Gauntleted himself. he changes the subject!

“I’m choosing to blame Betty’s Britney-esque meltdown.”

Cheryl isn’t fucking around with baby sips

GOD!!!!!!! I hope Lodge Industries razing the entire southside BRINGS BACK how it destroyed Jughead’s drive-in and FINALLY MAKES JUGHEAD AND VERONICA YELL AT EACH OTHER

The 2001 Josie and the Pussycats movie was a masterpiece: the Pussycats and Veronica looks incredible (the corset-like back of Veronica’s dress?) and perform the only song from Rent that I like!

Fwoopy hair is the best hair: VALERIE

Riverdale brings back one of their very good things: somebody cheerfully singing over top the visual of something horrible happening

Please protect Betty: Betty unrestrainedly sobbing in her windowsill while Jug cracks his neck (something he does now) in CrossFit mobility training for running the gauntlet is better than anything Alice predicted would happen when they started dating

Archie deserves to sit alone at Pop’s counter for a little while

Josie is so...fit. she’s tiny and she’s all muscle

okay LOVED Jughead’s smoky silhouette before he starts walking, loved

Cheryl’s sparkly boots???

Veronica and Josie take note of Nick leading Cheryl away IMMEDIATELY, because as you recall Veronica is a feminist superhero and senses when sketch is afoot

the gauntlet was good until it was GREAT. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT:

Sexy, aesthetic Southside: Sweet Pea probably breaks Jughead’s fucking cheekbone with that. Jughead doesn’t really have cheekbones, but he has cheek bones and it’s probably fucking broken, and it was, IT WAS EXACTLY the kind of sexy, bloody, homoerotic standoff I crave. that lighting? Sweet Pea’s FACE? Jughead standing there with his shoulders back, daring him to go harder? Jughead is not having a good time, but I’m having a great time. I fucking love the Serpents

the real gauntlet looks like it would be lying on the floor while Josie and the Pussycats kick the shit out of you

Sweet Pea and Toni and the Daddy are SO PROUD OF JUGHEAD!!! SO AM I!!!!!

it’s possible Betty seriously no longer cares if she lives or dies, is the only explanation for her going to an “abandoned house on the edge of Fox Forest” by her own damn self

I will say the wallpaper in this house is more or less the same as in Betty’s bedroom, and that is a very Betty mirror

Archie could literally kill someone tonight, so it’s probably for the best he didn’t make the leap the Nick went back to HIS HOTEL ROOM

Josie keeps slightly fixing the warm orange knit over Cheryl’s legs

“It’s not your fault, Veronica.”

Jughead got the tiniest little Serpent tattoo, because he is just a child

I LOVE Toni’s headband wrap

Every triangle has three corners, every triangle has three sides: is it kind of tacky for Toni to kiss him right now? yes. is it BAD? no. he’s developing another layer of trauma as we speak, but he’s single. somebody wants him!

OOOOOOOOHHHH BETTY!!!!!!!

NEXT WEEK: Cheryl in round sunglasses