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jodilin65 · 6 years ago

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MONDAY, APRIL 30, 2018 I’m deeply disturbed by the caravan of immigrants in Mexico trying to seek asylum in the US. Again, why must it always fall on us to pick up the pieces when some other country has a crisis? I could be politically correct or I could be realistic, and well, I know most people are politically correct and therefore would consider me heartless, and while I do realize that there are some totally innocent victims caught up in this mess, our country doesn’t need to take on any more responsibility. We have enough responsibility taking care of our own and we don’t need outsiders draining our resources even more, many of which will simply laze around on welfare while getting into who knows what kind of criminal activity. It would be my husband’s hard-earned tax dollars that will help pay for that, free medical care, and all kinds of other freebies. And your tax dollars. So for both economic and safety reasons, we need to just look out for ourselves for once.

Yesterday we glue-hemmed a couple of pairs of my pants. The purple sweatpants that I got in size medium and my jeans.

I know this is life in 98% of the country and if you’re not in that 2% you’re lucky, but I’m tired of hearing car stereos thumping in this house. Most of them aren’t from inside the park, but it just gets old year after year and seeing no laws enacted to control it.

Went to Dairy Queen yesterday after deciding we would simply order the oven online that we want from Best Buy even though it won’t be here until early June, and splurged on Blizzards. Today I have been paying dearly for that mistake but I think my stomach is finally over it, LOL. I’ve always been sensitive to dairy and even a small Blizzard has quite a bit in it and I ate the whole thing.

Ironically, however, changing the time of day I take my meds is causing me to lose weight because it takes 4 hours to empty out the stomach, then I have to wait another half hour after taking my pill before I can eat. So that 4.5-hour haul without food is a long one. In the final hour last night, my stomach was growling like crazy.

Still treating my ear and still lightheaded. I’ve only done a few treatments so far, though, and anything is better than anxiety. Since switching back to my old brand I haven’t been anxious, but I’m sure it will be back to torture me sooner or later. Let’s just hope that this time it’s later instead of sooner.

By the middle of next month, I will make a decision as to whether or not I want to switch doctors. I like the idea of a doctor that’s closer but I don’t know if they would help me any more than mine has, and I kind of didn’t want to have to start over with a new doctor until we moved.

Gotta order groceries at the end of the week. We find that different stores are good for getting different things. Stores like Sam’s Club and Amazon are good for bulk items, Walmart is cheaper, and Raley’s is most convenient.

I resurrected my old Ask account just for fun and got asked a question about some comedian being accused of racist comments, as is everyone’s obsession these days. It’s just fucking ridiculous but rather than go on a rant about it, I immediately thought of Andy because that’s something he would ask me, knowing it would bother me. But when I Googled his question I found it was asked of others as well, so now I’m thinking it probably wasn’t him because last I knew, he never had any interest in using Ask to keep in touch with others. It was just our playground like my main Twitter account is just to keep in touch with Aly and Kim.

The only thing I remember from dreams last night was that I made an appointment with Dr. O for some reason and then I was trying to take a dump in a toilet stall that was less than private as the door was too small.

SATURDAY, APRIL 28, 2018 LOL, my neighbors are so funny at times. I stepped out yesterday to bring in the recycle bin after it was dumped. Jon and Carolyn were leaving at the time and Jon goes, “Can’t you wheel that thing any quieter?”

LMAO!

Got him back this morning when the four of us were leaving. I don’t know where they were going but we were going to Walmart, and I called across the street to him, “Can’t you close those car doors any quieter?”

Haha. :-)

We grabbed a few things from Walmart that Raley’s didn’t have or that I forgot to get from them and Tom’s out whacking weeds now.

He pulled the oven out a bit because we needed to know if it was plugged into an outlet or if it was hardwired. There’s an outlet. Now we need to find out if we have to buy a new gas hose or if the installer’s going to have one. We still haven’t picked the oven out yet. We’re going to Best Buy tomorrow to look at ovens but the one we want may not be in stock. That’s fine, though. The thing has been here for 35 years. Another month won’t matter.

It seems I’ve traded in anxiety for lightheadedness upon returning to my old brand. Anything is better than anxiety but can’t I just have nothing for a while? Just a little while?

Tried acupuncture for it which is basically pressing what they call the third eye for a couple of minutes but it didn’t help.

Last night I dreamed I was swimming in the ocean in Hawaii. Now that’s a dream waiting to become a reality! :-) Yes, next year or the year after we will be returning to Hawaii for what will probably be the last time.

I also dreamed that I happened to walk into Andy’s place. In the dream, he moved to the area and lived in an apartment on the ground floor of a large building. I was in the neighborhood, saw his door wide open, and walked into his place. He glanced up at me from the desk chair he sat in by his computer and said, “You’re making my dream come true.”

I took this to mean he had been hoping I would re-enter his life because he missed me. I told him we had plans to move to SoCal and then we began walking somewhere and chatting as if no time had passed since our last chat.

In reality, I’d leave the country before I moved to SoCal. Also, while I do miss Andy, I don’t miss the problems we had.

FRIDAY, APRIL 27, 2018 I got the cool idea to add a touch of color with some old fake flowers in a large pot outdoors that contains my cactus plant (as well as tons of weeds) and it looks kind of cool.

Yesterday I exchanged hello’s with Bob while I was at it. He said he hasn’t seen much of me. With the weather warming up, he should see more of me as I’ll be out and about more often.

Then I was invited over for a while this morning when I took a post-it over with the answer to Bob’s question. He was dumping some trash when I spotted him and said hello to him yesterday. He walked over and we started talking and then he asked me what kind of tree was one of the ones growing towards the middle of that side of our property. I had no idea, so this morning I took a picture of it, uploaded it to Google so I could hunt for similar images, and I’m pretty sure it’s a Lauraceae from the Laurel family. Sometimes it has berries on it and other times it has these tiny little white flowers.

Bob is pretty quiet but Virginia is a very chatty person. We were talking about health issues and she said that she has a daughter-in-law with some kind of colitis problem (I don’t remember the word she used in front of colitis) and she too, had way more problems when they switched brands on her. She said until then they would never have thought brands would make a difference. Yeah, neither would I until all hell broke loose a week after the new thyroid pill brand.

Virginia cracks me up. When I said the anxiety, yes, but I wasn’t sure that the lightheadedness and going from hot to cold was connected to my medication, she goes, “You’re going through menopause.”

OMG, really? LOL

We were talking about how I prefer to resort to natural remedies for anxiety since prescription drugs have side effects, stop working, or make you want to kill yourself. She laughed when I told her, “Don’t take Prozac unless you want to kill yourself four days later.” It may sound funny, but true even though it typically doesn’t do this to adults. Prozac thought I was a kid. ;-|

We talked about some of the neighbors and they said this is the third or fourth time the “Twenties” have had work done on their roof. Yeah, I think they’re project junkies of sorts, but the roofing project turned out to be a lot quieter than I expected. If anything, I heard loud vehicles a lot more than I heard anything else. The automated ramp they use to haul up the equipment was kind of cool, and I was remembering what a disaster it was when Tom did our roof down in Arizona in 1999. I wondered if a new garage was next, but like ours, their carport is too narrow.

So I described them as a bit conservative but with a great sense of humor, and Virginia was remembering when they had their Trump sign up and all that (she wanted Hillary, too) and then, not wanting to stay too long and keep them from whatever, I teased her about visiting the rats and said I was going to do laundry.

Then Bob looks at her and goes, “Have you figured out what we’re going to do today yet?”

Haha.

Virginia said they’ll be planting tomatoes on the corner again and to help myself if I want any. That’s nice of her but I prefer cherry or grape tomatoes that I don’t have to cut up.

I had a hilarious dream involving Aly and Kim. It was a refreshing change from nightmares and a mishmash of senseless mumbo-jumbo. Aly got a kick out of it but I haven’t checked in yet today with Kim.

I went to visit Kim and then Aly arrived a little later. We were all to have one big slumber party and sleep in Kim’s bed in her bedroom. The only negative thing was that Aly didn’t seem too happy to see me. There was someone else present that she was chatting to and she seemed annoyed by my presence. I wondered if it had something to do with my appearance, even though I know she wouldn’t judge a friendship in real life based on someone’s looks. But I was self-conscious as I realized I had my hair pulled up in a high ponytail which made my face look fatter and showed off my ugly ear. I also forgot to put any makeup on.

When bedtime came I found Kim in the middle of the bed and Aly to the left. I was a little dismayed because I would have preferred to sleep next to Aly instead of Kim. Having barely half a foot of space on the bed, I wondered if I should sleep on the floor. Better yet I wondered if I would get any sleep at all because they said they were getting up in just a few hours. A woman appeared (Kim’s sister?) and said she was going to the airport and would be happy to bring me there so I could see about going home early if I wanted to. I agreed to go but then Tom was suddenly there and he fell asleep on their couch.

Then it was back to quick snippets of senseless dreams. Me leaning back on a public toilet and putting my feet up on toilet paper holders and sanitary boxes so I could masturbate, me running at night in an upper-story apartment to the edge of it (it had a slider but no balcony) to watch a helicopter land.

Then I held a piece of paper up over my head and lost my grip on it. Instead of the paper falling to the floor it got swept up in the breeze from the ceiling fan and then thrown down behind a dresser. Tom went to move the dresser and I was worried and then relieved Joy, who was standing on it, didn’t fall and break. I picked the doll up and held it on my lap as I sat watching him fetch the paper and then replace the dresser.

Then I was walking into what I guess was my bedroom as some people who were in their 20s were leaving. As they exited, one of them placed a few pieces of scrap paper with gibberish scribbled on them on my bed.

“These are yours,” I said as I picked them up.

“No, yours,” some guy said.

Sarcastically I said, “Oh, yes, I need these.”

Another day of whiny blacks who see racism in everything like this statue that suddenly has to go after 100+ years. When blacks say jump, we do. Isn’t it time to put our foot down and say enough is enough already? What do we do when they cry racism over the oceans? Run and suck them up with giant straws? Enough is enough of this bullshit!

It’s about time someone black and famous was convicted of the crimes they were guilty of, quite unlike O.J. Simpson, Chris Brown, Michael Jackson and others. Hopefully, this will send a message letting famous black criminals know that the courts aren’t going to give them a break simply because their ancestors were discriminated against years ago. But will he do a day’s time? I doubt it. This is still a start, though. I’m tired of blacks being favored!

THURSDAY, APRIL 26, 2018 I’m back on the Sandoz brand that has the oblong pills. It says it’s generic for Levoxyl. I took it before bed yesterday and right now I feel what I would describe as borderline.

I had trouble falling asleep yesterday because I had so many unanswered questions running through my mind. What other drug can I take to treat my condition without making me anxious? How much of it is the medication as opposed to perimenopause? Should I get a new doctor? Should I ask about having the gland removed so it can’t throw T3 parties on me? Is there ever an end to this shit either way? I totally cannot take another 4 years of this shit. I just can’t! Sometimes I’m feeling great and other times I’m being stabbed in the chest with waves of anxiety. There are other things I don’t understand, too. Why did some of the side effects of this drug stop while others started so late in the game? Why did the booming heart stop and then why did I start getting waves of anxiety in the chest a year and a half ago? Even the “butterflies” in the stomach stopped after a while, and when I’m anxious these days, my heart isn’t usually racing, believe it or not.

I think if worse comes to absolute worse, and it might, I’m simply going to have to stop the medication altogether. This is no way to live. The hypo symptoms themselves were much more tolerable than the anxiety. I may gain a million pounds and shorten my life, but I would rather a shorter more comfortable life than a longer life of suffering. The only way to end this may be to stop the medication altogether if there isn’t any other alternative that will work for me. All I know is that I’m very susceptible to side effects and I usually get most of whatever side effects a drug has to offer. As Stacey said, you can still have feelings of anxiety with psych meds, and as the shrink said, many of them stop working after a while. So I still don’t see any point in adding additional side effects for a temporary calm. I would still rather get rid of whatever is causing my anxiety in the first place. If I’m wrong and it’s mostly on the perimenopause, obviously I can’t just “get rid of” my hormones, but I can get rid of the medication if need be. For some of us, medication isn’t always the best answer. That’s why I’m not on the cholesterol medication I need and the blood pressure medicine I might need.

Although it was with much distraction because of how shitty I’ve felt on and off, I managed to win CampNano but not by much. I just busted over the word count but once I get it fleshed out and edited it will probably add more to the word count. If I had decent publishers I doubt I would submit it to them because I’m not sure I like how it came out.

Oh wow. Just wow! All of a sudden the anxiety released its grip like someone hanging from a rope that snapped and I feel a wonderful calm now. Please let it last for more than five minutes! Taking proactive steps anyway with a cup of chamomile. :)

I had a dream that Paula called and I seemed to be talking to her while sitting in a parked car that might have been abandoned or simply not used. It was very windy out and leaves were blowing against the windows of the car.

Then I had a dream I was walking down a street where a guy was working on a car in the middle of the street. Then a large van or truck came by and ran over his foot. Ouch!

I was running some of the Oregon journals through Grammarly when I burst out crying at one point. We may have lived in a shitty climate, rented shitty places, and our lives may not have been perfect, but I do miss some aspects of our lives there and the perspective I had on life back then. Some things were still a bit new and exciting, I didn’t need any medication, I wasn’t so fucking fat (even though most still describe me as “tiny”), I had so much fun winning things before social media came and ruined it all, I wasn’t as blind, I couldn’t keep a schedule but could sleep a little better, I didn’t know what real suffering was, I didn’t have the fears and insecurities I have now, I had a libido, I had hope and could see more possibilities for the future, etc.

It just seemed that life was a bit simpler back then. The town was so small you could walk or take the bus everywhere and we didn’t bother registering the truck we had. Tom had just a six-minute walk to work even if he would fall on the ice and nearly kill himself with his shitty balance, LOL.

Well, I would never want to go back there because things wouldn’t be the same and I still hate extreme cold and snow, but in some ways, those may always be some of the best years of our lives.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25, 2018 Yesterday I ended up feeling wonderfully normal after a few shaky hours at the beginning of my day, mostly because I was afraid of what I might be in for.

Today I’m doing okay with very faint traces of anxiety so far. As funny as it may sound I almost wish I would get hit with it hard so it may help convince me that maybe Tom’s theory is right and that it really is mostly on the perimenopause. But I can’t make it be caused by what I want it to be caused by. It is what it is, and I totally believe the bulk of it is on the meds. What I’m feeling is residual traces of it because it’s not a short-acting drug. It doesn’t leave the system in 12 to 24 hours. That’s why it took a few months for me to recover when I got really bad.

The only thing that doesn’t make sense is the changing symptoms. Why did this particular type of anxiety not start until a year and a half ago? What made the booming heart stop?

The racing, booming heart stopped, the butterflies in the stomach stopped, and I would like to think this will stop too, but it’s been going on too long to be very hopeful.

The frequency of high BP readings isn’t good but oh well.

The bulk of my problems yesterday was all the fucking noise. I still can’t believe that a retirement community could be this fucking noisy! Noisiest place I ever lived in the West. Well, it’s about as noisy as the apartments but in some ways, it’s noisier than the house in Phoenix. The dogs, brats and car stereos there weren’t as consistent as the steady stream of daytime noise here is. I think it really helped to be on concrete and have brick walls too. Being elevated and having wooden walls really allows the loud vehicles to rumble and vibrate throughout the place. At least the last time around I was only woken up once instead of twice but still…

So the Twenties, who are regular little project junkies (they just hire people to do their projects for them), are redoing half of their roof. I don’t know why the last lady would only do half of it, but only half of it is newer. So they’re redoing it before they get leaks. It’s a company called Thompson Roofing that has a good reputation. We’ll keep them in mind if we decide to do our roof. What’s weird is that they only worked during the morning yesterday. They have another day or two of work to do, though.

I didn’t know this but after I mentioned us possibly going to Hawaii next January, Carolyn said she was a travel agent and to let her know if we need brochures.

I was actually more annoyed by the cable company than by the Twenties. If they stayed up the hill doing whatever it was they were doing there, it wouldn’t be so bad. But they had this thunderously loud truck going back and forth like crazy and it’s totally annoying as fuck. Didn’t see any evidence of what they were working on during our walk, but I’m sure they’ll be back for many days to come. There is always, always something going on here. Projects in the street, projects by the park, home renovations, landscaping galore. God, it gets old! It’s so distracting and some days I just want to hear nothing at all and to live my life in peace without all the damn annoyances. But I know that we’re just going to get the same shit no matter where we go and I just have to remind myself that like it or not, this is how it’s going to be for the rest of my 20 to 30 years.

Tom didn’t get a chance to pick out an oven because he had to work super late and today he’s going to be stopping at Walmart to pick up our prescriptions. Not sure if I’ll be back on my old brand today or tomorrow because I don’t know if I’ll be up when he gets in. Maybe he’ll get a chance to look on Thursday since Friday we’ll be getting groceries delivered.

I think I’ll go make a board on Pinterest dedicated to Keisha Castle-Hughes. She’s between boring and hot. She actually reminds me of one of the fictitious characters in one of my books.

With less than 1000 words to go, I should win CampNano today.

TUESDAY, APRIL 24, 2018 In doing more and more research on Levothyroxine, I’m learning two things. One is that my being led to believe it’s a very safe drug with no side effects is total BS since it DOES indeed have very real side effects. The other thing is how blind the doctors are. Or at least how blind they pretend to be. I still don’t understand their ignorance and refusal to address these side effects when every single site that lists the side effects of drugs says the same things, some even more than others. Do they think these things are there for decoration? The fact that thyroid medication is the number one prescription dispensed is another indication that all these doctors can’t be that stupid.

Some of the side effects I read up on are ones I didn’t even know were side effects, and now it makes me wonder. I’ve noticed I’ve become more heat intolerant, for example, but wrote it off as just being fatter, older, and no longer used to the blazing desert heat. But now I don’t know. This is listed as a side effect along with vision issues and even lightheadedness. So now I’m even more confused as to what could be causing what, and I also realize that this drug may be messing me up more than I realized. It may be doing a lot more to me than just making me anxious.

I love how it says that if you think you’re having any of these side effects, tell your doctor. Why? So they can say it’s not the medication? What’s the point of reaching out to doctors for help if they’re not going to help you? The only so-called help you may get in this case is a referral to a shrink so they can give you drugs to mask the side effects rather than deal with tackling the problem at the source. Yet psych pills can only make things worse if they don’t stop working altogether at some point.

Tom and I both agree that the JSP brand they switched me to has been making things worse. It’s too coincidental that a week after I start the shit, things go to hell after I had been doing the best I’d done in a long time and was about to break records with the anxiety. I went back and combed through last year’s journal and found that I only made 3 skips since the end of August. Tomorrow I will have my old brand back, Sandoz. I will still have some problems on it, just not as ferocious as I have been having. God, I sure hope not anyway!

I appreciate the person who recommended I ask my doctor about Liothyronine, another form of this drug that I’ve never heard of that comes in pills or injections, on an entry I made a few days ago. I see it has some similar but fewer side effects.

I will definitely mention it to whatever doctor I see, and I still don’t know if I’m going to see a new one or not. A part of me thinks it would be a waste of time to keep my old one since I’m not getting anywhere with her, but I figure a new one would just pull the same shit on me. Especially if I’m right about them having this little protocol and it does seem like that’s the case. Therefore, why bother breaking in a new doctor? I would prefer not to do that until I leave the state if I can help it.

I was surprised but glad to hear that Tom’s coworker is doing better. So she may have been anxious for other reasons.

I doubt it but I sometimes wonder if the occasional headaches I get and my rash might also be caused by my meds. Lichen planus is likely a separate thing though, and it actually began before I was even diagnosed.

But do I get light-headed because of my ears or the perimenopause or is it something else? We know my carotid artery isn’t blocked so I don’t know what to think anymore. I just know that this medication has turned my life inside out and upside down and made it a living hell given the physical and psychological torture I’ve endured on and off for the last 4 years, and yes, that’s along with real perimenopause symptoms as well.

Yesterday I had my first obvious hot flash in a while. What’s weird was that I hadn’t had my medication yet I still became anxious for 4 hours after I’d been up 8 hours. If that trend continues I’ve got about 45 minutes of calm left. Going to take some preventive measures by downing a cup of Sleepytime tea. So as I was saying, I had a few hours of anxiety yesterday, took my pill at the end of the day, and then I slept shittily. Not because of the pill but because fucking traffic woke me up twice, and then the neck knockers woke me up because I forgot to do my ear so I had to get up and do that. Initially, I had trouble falling back asleep after the first vehicle woke me up and I took a baby Benadryl to help me sleep better.

The speed bumps are part of the reason traffic is such a nightmare here besides the fact that I’m so close to such a busy road in such a massive park. Fucking UPS crashes right into the speed bumps without even bothering to slow down. But the world is a noisy place. Not going to sleep much better anywhere else.

Today I was afraid to wake up not knowing what kind of torture awaited me. But I dragged myself out of bed and was borderline until Tom got up. We enjoyed pork chops together which has tryptophan in them. Then I had a cup of Sleepytime tea and I’ve felt good ever since. But like I said, I’m about to hit that 8-hour marker. The meat situation sucks because I want it for the calming tryptophan that’s in it, but the cholesterol isn’t good for me. If it’s going to help keep me calmer then I don’t give a shit if my cholesterol goes through the roof.

Before bed yesterday I took a whole pill. It would be strange (though wonderful) not to get anxious after a whole pill after getting anxious from half a pill, but the anxiety can be a bit unpredictable at times.

I read that recent studies show that taking the medication before bed reduces side effects. I have my doubts about that but if anything, it will keep me from eating as much because I have to stop eating a few hours before I take it to empty out my stomach. I’m not going to bother taking one more from this brand since my regular brand will be back tomorrow. Now that I know there are about half a dozen brands of this medication and that some may be worse than others, I can’t help but wonder… What brand, if any, might make me feel even better and less prone to side effects than my usual brand?

I’m really getting as pissed as I am frustrated with this situation. I want to strangle any possible God that may exist and is either making this happen to me or at least allowing it to happen. I see a very scary pattern when I look back in my journals. For years I went on and on about not being able to have this baby I thought I once wanted. Then for years, I went on and on about how broke we were. Now it’s all about how anxious I am with no light at the end of the tunnel for me. Like I said, if this ever does end someday, my next long-term problem is either going to seem like nothing in comparison or it’s going to kill me if it’s any worse than this. When can I go back to my worst problems being noise and shitty sleep? I’d even struggle financially before I continued to feel so bad so much of the time.

Tom will be stopping to look at ovens on the way home from work. Because we don’t cook much and we’re not going to be here forever, we decided to get the cheapest self-cleaning oven we could find. We’re looking at one that does have a fan in it to blow the heat around so that the food cooks evenly like it does in our air fryer. White, silver or tan are my first color choices. Dust shows up on black too easily even when you keep up on things as I do, and colors like brown or olive are ugly.

Last night I dreamed I got a video call from my father who was playing bocce in this really nice-looking park or resort somewhere. I never saw him, just the park.

Then I dreamed we were staying at Miss Perfect’s place and I could sense that she wasn’t too happy to have me around though I pretended not to notice. She walked into the guest room I was changing in while I was topless and I was embarrassed at first until I realized she could have fun being jealous of my full and perky tits, LOL.

MONDAY, APRIL 23, 2018 I ended up blocking Palma yesterday. She just started to get a little too weird for my comfort. I checked her page for the first time in a while out of curiosity to see what she was up to and saw that it was her 16th anniversary. So I sent her a message congratulating her and asked how she was doing, not expecting a reply since she didn’t reply to the message I sent last month, which was my second message. I doubt I would have ever looked in on her or sent her any additional messages if she blew me off again.

Then I noticed I missed a call from her on Messenger. So I sent a message asking if she meant to call or if she just hit the call icon by accident, letting her know I was now by my phone.

Then she takes 20+ minutes to write a reply. Before she could hit ‘send’ I noticed that she downvoted the message I sent last month but didn’t react to my congratulations message. I didn’t even know Messenger had these message reactions until then.

Figuring that if she could give a thumbs down to my message from over a month ago, then she probably didn’t have anything nice to say, assuming she actually meant to call and was really typing this long drawn-out novel to me. That’s when I decided to block her, not wanting to risk giving her a chance to provoke me into a reaction I may regret, as much as I’d like to think she wouldn’t be worth it. But you know how it is. When I get a reaction from someone that may not be good, it’s okay. When I react to someone’s shit, it’s not okay. Again, I’m not saying she would have said anything nasty or made any kind of threats or ultimatums since I wasn’t even remotely close to doing anything wrong, but I guess I will always have some traces of paranoia when it comes to anyone connected to the legal vendetta committed against me, however indirect a connection it may be, that’s in a state that shit on me in a very big way.

I have no idea why she would downvote my message and why she waited over a month to do it. Or why she may have tried to call me and what she may have wanted to tell me. I mean, why not just ignore or block me if she didn’t want to hear from me or didn’t like my message?

I went through it a few times and the only thing I can think of is that maybe she didn’t like me mentioning names of former inmates and DOs that I knew. Nothing I can think of makes sense. Sharing how I found her on Zabasearch? Remembering a joke I once told her? Saying that I felt hated by God and later became more agnostic?

Maybe she thought it was too long or maybe it’s her that’s paranoid. Maybe she thinks I’ve got some deep dark hidden ulterior motive.

Gotta laugh at how frustrating it must have been when she went to send the message and found she couldn’t reply. I looked in from Tom’s account since it’s been a while since I’ve checked his account anyway, to see if she might have left a note on her wall and she didn’t. What I found weird was that I still appear as “liking” her anniversary cake picture even though I blocked her. I thought blocking undid that but maybe not.

If she’s checked out my blog, she’s doing it in hiding. I’m very careful what I say anyway. But yeah, no clue why she would do that and I didn’t want to find out either since while she may have left the sheriff’s department, she still has connections. I have more important things to do. Like cleaning the house, winning Nano, and hoping not to be anxious.

Good news and bad news where that’s concerned. The bad news is that 8 hours after the first half of yesterday’s pill, I had three or four hours of anxiety. Nothing after my second half, though.

The good news is that Tom found out that the Walmart Pharmacy carries a few brands of my medication, including the oblong pill brand. They’re out of stock and won’t have them until Wednesday, but I still have some evil round ones. Coincidence or connection? I may never know for sure. I just know that I’ve had way more anxiety since starting the round ones. I’m mixing things up a bit and today I’m not taking my pill until the end of my day. I’m going to take the whole thing at once. As of yet, I’ve never become anxious 8 hours after taking my pill, so if I take it a couple of hours before bed and then I sleep for 8 hours, maybe I’ll be okay the next day. That’s what I’m about to find out. The oblongs are plenty capable of causing me anxiety as well; they just don’t seem to do it nearly as much as the round ones. At least not in the way of waves of anxiety moving in and out of my chest.

He can’t get his blood pressure meds refilled until the 25th.

Spam, spam, and more spam! These people just don’t give up no matter how obvious they are. It’s that fucking Nigerian crap as usual. I still don’t understand why there isn’t a block button like there is on Facebook and most sites. It should be a simple one-click ordeal to block any email address just like I can block any user on Facebook. Instead, I have to go through several steps to apply “rules.”

The weather is nice in the daytime now but slightly chilly in the mornings. Not chilly enough to put the heat on, though.

On Saturday Tom saw what he thinks was the cable company digging with a shovel on the corner of Jon and Carolyn’s place. They had cables in hand, he said. Fortunately, I didn’t hear anything, but I’m sure they’ll be digging up the road with loud obnoxious jackhammers and or tractors soon enough.

The fire truck was here again in the middle of last night and I think it went to Lawrence’s house. Really, really hope that house doesn’t sell while we’re still here! Even though it’s just across the street it’s higher than our place because of the hill. There’s a retaining wall and most of the front yard is fenced in, possibly enticing anyone who might move in with a mutt. The “footless” lady who just moved in doesn’t seem to have any dogs, so I guess this is the good part of Western culture and the belief that dogs shouldn’t be pets.

Tammy said she was doing better and still regaining her strength but didn’t go into detail. Still get the feeling that she and my nieces are pushing me away and would rather have little to do with me. It’s probably better that way anyway as we don’t seem to have much in common.

We didn’t do much this weekend since I didn’t feel well on and off. We did go to Walmart together early in the morning yesterday and I got a couple of cute new bamboo plants. One is in an O-shaped lavender vase with a clear tube in the center of it which the stalks of the plant are in. Another is in a green ceramic pot in the shape of a watering can. The one in the purple vase has purple orchids. Fake, of course, but they add a nice touch of color. The other one has a ladybug.

SATURDAY, APRIL 21, 2018 Doing another entry but I’m doing it for myself. I like to keep the darker stuff private.

Good news and bad news on the first day of breaking up the pills. I had anxiety for the first 4 hours after taking the first half. It probably would have been closer to 10 hours had I taken the whole thing. Taking the last half after being up for 12 hours. So at about 7am.

Sometimes I wonder if there’s any truth to those who believe living close to a cemetery brings bad luck. I researched it a bit and came up with mixed opinions. I don’t think I’ll ever know for sure but if I move away from here and suddenly feel better more often, it might make me wonder. A lot.

I tortured myself during yesterday’s misery. Yes, I was worse yesterday than today after taking a whole pill. I didn’t think I would be that anxious since I didn’t take anything the day before but I was for quite a while. And then I tortured myself some more by watching a horribly botched execution on YouTube done in Arizona 4 years ago by lethal injection. When I saw that man suffer all I could think was wow, I really hope this guy, someone I never heard of before that I guess killed his ex and her father, really deserved the suffering he got in the end. I hope he was an abusive asshole that totally deserved to be tortured to death as he was.

Even though I’m all for the death penalty, I’m appalled at how executions are handled with regular prison staff carrying the sentences out. This should be done by trained medical doctors and they should simply be put to sleep in the way a person is put to sleep for surgery, or animals are put to sleep. There’s no reason to make it such a long drawn-out ordeal unless it’s meant to be that way because torturing the condemned prisoners is the primary goal. Well, torture this guy they did. I guess they missed his vein and shot the stuff into his tissue instead and at that point, he was mostly paralyzed but still able to shout out in agony.

I couldn’t believe it when one of the guys patted him and said, “You’re going to be okay, Joe.”

Yeah, you’ll be okay as soon as we figure out how to kill you successfully.

Anyway, what should have taken minutes took 2 hours. The only good thing is that 2 hours of suffering is better than days, weeks, months or years, and the guy certainly won’t have to live with the PTSD that something that traumatic would certainly bring.

Saw that I had a bottle of grapefruit oil in one of the drawers for the diffuser. Yuck. I’ll sic it on Kathleen in September since I don’t expect to see her before then. Oh, the games women love to play with me.

Thyroid pill experiment update: after taking the first half of my pill yesterday, I felt anxious for about 4 hours. That was better than 10, but still a bit disappointing. When I took the second half at the end of the day, however, I was fine.

At this point, I would have to go over 6 months, preferably a year, without anxiety before and if I ever felt confident enough to say I’ve beaten it. Personally, I don’t think I ever will. After 4 years of dealing with this shit, I have no reason to think it will ever go away unless I stop the medication altogether yet I can’t do that. It sucks being a slave to something that can cause so much misery but until and if I ever find an alternative, I don’t think things will ever go back to the way they were before 4 years ago. For me, it’s going to be a case of finding a way to take as much of the drug as I can stand and basically adapt or die. That saying about nothing lasting forever isn’t quite true. Sometimes things really do change and never go back to the way they were before. One day I got fat and I’ve remained that way and I will continue to remain that way. One day I became farsighted and I always will be. One day my thyroid crapped out on me and it’s never coming back. It’s always going to require the only medication available for it, anxiety-inducing or not. There really isn’t any getting around it.

The only other things I have are fatigue, lightheadedness, and that vibrating sensation in my head. My blood pressure and pulse numbers were amazing yesterday, though. BP was 129/80 and my pulse was only 79. That’s definitely a low HR for me, LOL. BP was the lowest I’ve seen it in a while, too.

Definitely not as awake as I was yesterday even though I slept okay. I didn’t quite sleep eight hours, though, and was up almost 18 hours.

Enjoying the weather in the low 80s. With May right around the corner, this should be it. The rain should be done until the fall and we shouldn’t have any more cold spells.

I have three reminders set. One for Amberen, one to stop eating, and one to take the other half of today’s pill. They’re at midnight, six and eight.

FRIDAY, APRIL 20, 2018 First they turn the water off for half a day and now they want to turn it off again for 4 hours on Monday? Argh! Yeah, I’d love for them to lay him off, even though I don’t want to leave with unresolved health issues. Then again, I’ve lost hope that this is fixable. I’m anxious for life just like I’m fat and blind for life. I get that. I’ll have some good days but for the most part, I’ve got a rough life ahead of me no matter what. And besides, I’m not going to sleep any better no matter where we go. Some weird smell woke me up at 12:30 (I fell asleep after 10) but I don’t know what it was. Was able to get back to sleep quickly, though.

There may be a new loud car on the circle but I knew there would be sooner or later. This one’s white.

Overall I’m a little more alive and “normal” feeling today so far. Took half a pill and was slightly anxious but feeling calmer now. I tapped while I was waiting for the timer to go off. Will make myself stick to this regimen as long as I can absolutely stand to even though I don’t think this is anything I’ll ever “get used” to. I just can’t believe anyone takes this drug, gets anxious from it, keeps taking it, and then one day finds they’re no longer anxious. If side effects don’t dissipate within a couple of weeks, they’re likely never going to. But I’m going to tough it out the best I can.

I actually started feeling better when Tom got up yesterday. I know I said I wasn’t going to bother working out since I can only do it part-time, but we walked down to the lake just so I could stretch my legs and get out of the house. He’s sleeping now and I just went down to the lake myself. Now I’m doing laundry.

And missing my old life. I totally miss the days of not having any clue of what it’s like to truly feel anxious. I still have every reason to believe that as long as I’m on this medication I’m going to have some here and there and that it’s not just a bad case of peri or anything else. Come on, no one has it this bad when they’re going through peri, do they?

As much as I don’t miss being a kid, one of the things I do miss is believing everything people tell me. When the grownups told me I would be okay and that everything was fine, I believed them. Now, no matter how many times I try to tell myself these things, I don’t believe a word I say.

If there is a God out there, first it took my dreams. Now it’s taken my health. Sometimes I swear it’s going to take my life. Like before I hit 60.

THURSDAY, APRIL 19, 2018 And yet again traffic wakes me up, and again I am feeling shitty. Tomorrow will be no different because the loud trash and green waste trucks are coming. Since I took my pill today I’m not as fatigued, but I’m definitely not bursting with energy either. Heart raced a bit too, but that was probably cuz I ate a lot.

I’m still very stressed out about what to do about my situation. Tomorrow I will begin the pills splitting experiment, but I don’t hold out much hope of ever being able to fully treat my disease in a way I can tolerate. Not if I’m still going through this shit after nearly 4 years. What I don’t get is why I’m so up and down. Why has it been such a roller coaster ride for me all these years? Just when I’m doing well and I think I might finally stay that way, it’s like something up there reaches down with a bat and knocks me right off course.

If there is a God up there and if it does pick and choose what happens to us, why the hell would it give me a disease it knew damn well I couldn’t treat? Really, why would it do that? I mean how hateful is that?

A part of me wishes he would get laid off so we would have an excuse to get out of here, but I’m just going to sleep shitty elsewhere, too. The world is a noisy place and each decade it only gets noisier as the population climbs and people get less considerate of others. If it isn’t landscaping, it’s brats. If it isn’t traffic, it’s mutts. If it isn’t planes, it’s more car stereos than I hear here. Florida has more storms so thunder would probably wake me up there more than the traffic does here. I would only gain in that I would be in a warmer climate that was cheaper. I’m still ready to go, but now that he’s been at this job for over 5 years, I’m beginning to have my doubts that he’ll be laid off before he retires.

Oh, how I wish to hell he was retired! I’m tired of having to be alone so much and having to put so many things on hold due to his job. While I doubt it will kill me, as much as I sometimes wish something would, I worry that waiting until June to see a new PCP and my ENT may be a bit long as I don’t want my ear to get infected and I’m tired of suffering in general, but that’s the tentative plan is to hit those two appointments, plus his own PCP appointment during the week of June he’s taking off.

I can’t believe how much I’ve suffered when I could be and should be enjoying life with my worst problem being the noise and sleep disturbances. Instead, I go back and forth between fatigue and anxiety with no end in sight, and when I think I see one, it turns out to be a joke.

Sometimes side effects go away in time, but I don’t think the anxiety is a side effect so much as something I’m very sensitive to that’s put into the synthetic drug itself. Still, I wish I knew if it would ever go away if I forced myself to take it every day, not that I could stand to, and not that I would try when he was still working. No way to know how bad it might get. I’m learning that we can’t believe everything we’re told, even if it’s from a doctor.

The 30 chokers I ordered for the doll came today. Good variety and quality for the price. Yet another thing I would have loved 20 years ago. So many things are available today that would’ve better suited me back then and that I could have used then.

I was worried yesterday that we had a new loud car in the neighborhood, but hopefully the bastard was just visiting.

I am now officially an unpublished author. Some things just weren’t meant to be no matter how good you may be at them.

When traffic wasn’t waking me up, and I wasn’t waking up for no reason, nightmares were waking me up. I had all kinds of horrible dreams, one of which Tammy may have been in but I can’t swear to that.

Something about a stuffed panther coming to life, and then I was looking out the window of an apartment that wasn’t on the ground floor but I don’t know that it was a high-rise either.

There were so many other dreams I can’t remember. The night before last, I dreamt I was inside the house I grew up in at night. I was curious to snoop around and see what it looked like while the owners were out. After I used the bathroom, which was on the wrong side of the house, I went to explore but this tremendous wind soon drove me out of the house. It was a wind so fierce that my hair stood straight up.

So I went out of the house and began walking up the street. A woman was watching me from the house across the street, trying to get a good look at me as I walked up the street, hoping no one would notice me.

Then I was locked up somewhere in this strange kind of jail that didn’t actually have cells but these partitions with these double doors that parted in the middle and “roofs.” I was with some girl and as much as we seemed to get along and I liked her, I wished I could remember people’s phone numbers so I could call and let them know where I was.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18, 2018 Too tired to live? Yeah, I think I might be. Every other day I have horrible fatigue and I want to scream with frustration. I feel so stuck and helpless. Just totally caught in a hopeless situation. If I can’t ever find a way to take enough of this medication to keep me functioning and the alternatives aren’t suitable for me, then what does that leave me with? If there is a solution out there I’m afraid it’s going to be like finding a needle in a haystack.

Furthermore, traffic woke me up today… Again. Well, I’m never going to be a heavy sleeper, vehicles aren’t going to get quieter in my lifetime, and I very well may never be able to fully treat my disease. So again, what does that leave me with? Half a life spent bedridden because I’m too tired to live that life? Seriously, my mind and body are at such odds! My mind thinks of all the things I would really like to do, but my body is simply too tired to carry these tasks out. What do I do then? Take the meds and suffer the anxiety they bring and that could escalate to epic levels too scary to imagine? Or only take it sometimes and be drained? Drained to the point that I can’t work out more than once or twice a week any more than I can win NaNo with a word count as low as I’ve got mine set to once I finally get ideas as I have.

No wonder I’m losing my motivation to work out. I hate doing things part-time. I either like to do them regularly and consistently or not bother, especially things like working out. Why bother if I can only do it some of the time? Every time I get back on track something leaves me too tired to work out. So when I have the energy to work out I’m probably not going to, knowing that the next day I likely won’t have the energy and therefore I’m not going to benefit much from such a half-assed workout routine.

Each question leads to another question. This fatigue seems a bit extreme for disrupted sleep and I’ve even had it when I’ve slept well. I don’t think it’s all on the traffic waking me up but it doesn’t make sense to be low thyroid either because I once lived with zero medication and wasn’t nearly this tired. Yet as far as I know, my thyroid shouldn’t be any deader than it was to begin with, and if it is, it certainly isn’t by much. This makes me wonder if there’s anything else going on with me I don’t know about like maybe low iron or something that could be making me so fatigued. I haven’t stopped my vitamins or the Amberen, so I don’t know what the fuck is going on. All I know is that I’ve struggled with my health for almost 4 years now and have had more problems in that time than in the entire time I’ve known Tom.

TUESDAY, APRIL 17, 2018 Did a small Amazon order. Getting a bunch of chokers for my Asian buddy, a pill cutter, and ointment for my lichen planus.

I don’t know if the ointment will help but I think the chokers will look nice on Suki/Gia.

The pill cutter is for the idea I got that probably won’t work, but hey, I’m running out of options and ideas to try. The plan is to cut my pills in half and take half in the morning and the other half at the end of my day after I let my stomach empty out.

I’ve noticed that on days that it makes me anxious it has a timeline of sorts where the anxiety kicks in within an hour or two of taking the pill, sometimes a little later. I also noticed that it tends to stop about 10 hours after taking it. Well, if I stop eating after I’ve been up for 8 or 9 hours and then I take it a couple of hours later, maybe this will prevent me from getting as anxious. Remember, I’ve got two problems. One is whatever’s in the synthetic version of the stuff that makes me anxious, and then when I go flaring. This may help with the anxiety caused by the medication itself but I don’t know if it will do me any good when I’m flaring because I’m eventually going to have the same amount in my bloodstream if that makes any sense. Again, I highly doubt it will help but I’ve got to try whatever I can think of otherwise I’m looking at going through life only being able to treat my thyroid in a half-assed way. I really would like to give my body as much of the hormone as it thinks it needs or close enough to it. I’m just glad my T4 has always been normal no matter what. Hope it stays that way! It’s the fucking TSH that’s the problem. If my pit gland keeps screaming at my thyroid it’s going to possibly cause it to enlarge.

Treated both ears and am less lightheaded today and I have more energy today as well. These symptoms may not just be a matter of low thyroid but I could be lacking in potassium. One of the side effects of the ACV shots is that they can lower your potassium levels. I’ll have bananas delivered with our next grocery order. It might have been my ears too, so I’m treating them more often.

The only pisser was that the water was off for 6 hours and that’s only that I know of. It was off when I got up at 3 so it might have been off longer. Didn’t come back on till 9. I asked Carolyn if hers was off just to make sure there was nothing wrong with our water, which Tom also went out and double-checked, and she confirmed their water was off, too. Tom also drove around the park to see if he could spot them working because I was a little worried they forgot to turn it back on after they worked on it, but he saw them working on one of the mains at the other side of the park.

I left the kitchen and master bath sinks on so I could hear it when it came back on, and right after my chat with Carolyn, we both notified each other at the same time that it was back on, LOL. So the shower I took felt good and we won’t have to go to a hotel tomorrow after he gets off work, which I would have deducted from the rent for damn sure.

Someday we’ll live where this doesn’t happen and where there isn’t such busy traffic so close to the bedroom. Someday. Still may hear lots of other shit, but that much is going to change. Been a quiet night so far, though. Not much freeway noise or planes.

Even though I know it’s not going to do me any good, I gave Amazon a final piece of my mind once again on their official Facebook page, even though it will just have to be flagged in my friends’ feed as if it’s any of their business what I said to them. Oh well. It’s part of why I seldom use Facebook other than to share links and check for messages. I just told them like it is. I’m not getting credit for my work and I’m not getting help when I reach out to support. Therefore, I’ll be pulling my books off their shelf and will find a more reliable publisher that actually cares about its authors. I’m in no hurry, though.

MONDAY, APRIL 16, 2018 Last night I was pretty anxious. OMG, I’ve had enough!!! I’ve so totally had enough! Something needs to change. Something. But what? I don’t have many alternatives and the few I know of seem pretty shitty. Do I stop the meds altogether, change brands and or doses, or switch to another drug? Get a thyroidectomy?

The tentative plan is for me to go back to taking my meds every other day and change PCPs. Don’t know that a new one will help me, but at least they’ll be closer to home, whoever they are. Might have Tom make me an appointment with his doctor when he goes to reschedule his own appointment for the week in June that he’s taking off. This is the week I see my ENT and I was going to see Dr. A. If he can help me then I don’t care that he’s male and Muslim.

Amour and Cytomel don’t seem like very good alternatives. Therefore, the question is what brand and what dose can my body best tolerate of Levothyroxine so I don’t have to deprive it altogether? I am SO stressed out and SO frustrated with this same old shit year after year after year. When oh when will it ever end? When will there ever be a solution to this problem and what will it be?

Tried reaching out to Amazon Kindle on Twitter but they’re ignoring me, not surprisingly, while they’ve replied to other tweets. Books are still KUable, too. Definitely “firing” these so-called publishers. I’m not going to write to make THEM money. Therefore, soon I will be an unpublished author. Maybe someday I’ll find a better publisher but for now, at least I’ll have the freedom to write more freely with less censorship and editing.

As far as what to do about the roof, the answer hit me like a punch in the gut the other day. It’s simple. I wish all things could be as simple like how to give my body the medication it needs without suffering from side effects that are worse than the hypo symptoms themselves. Every single fucking site that lists the drug’s side effects lists anxiety as one of them, yet the doctors want to try to tell me it’s not the meds when I know my body best and don’t have a history of anxiety? And there ARE some suspected deaths from this drug as well. I don’t know if I would blame the medication on the 300-pound guy who had a stroke, but the woman who killed herself? Maybe. Trust me, when I get that anxious my thoughts do tend to get dark. It’s not as safe as the doctors lead you to think it is. It may be safer than some drugs out there but I don’t think anything is ever perfectly safe.

I was surprised that some of the other side effects I saw listed when I did some research last night mentioned fever, fatigue and sweating. I thought I sweat easily because I’m fat and older but maybe not. It also mentioned rashes but I doubt there’s any connection between my lichen planus and the medication because it started before I was diagnosed. I’ve definitely been having a lot of fatigue lately and that could be due to anything from low thyroid, the meds, stress, or going into menopause. It’s rainy today and rainy days make me feel kind of groggy, so I don’t know.

Back to the roof, we’re not going to bother unless we need to. We’re just going to keep money set aside for an emergency patch if it leaks in the winter and money to have it redone in the summer. Hopefully, this will mean getting out of having to deal with it and leaving it to the next owner(s).

Tom said I never told him how Tammy was recovering. That’s because she never told me. She takes weeks to pick up messages so I don’t like to send much. It seems I hear less and less from her but I know she has a lot going on.

Tomorrow Aly turns 37. She’s suffering too, just in a different way.

SUNDAY, APRIL 15, 2018 I’m seriously considering pulling my books off of Amazon and hanging up that adventure altogether. I took off the lending function yet they’re STILL available for KU. Fucking Amazon! I’ll give it a few days but if my book page doesn’t reflect the changes by then, then these so-called “publishers” can go to hell. I’ll just pull my books off their site at that point. Thank God I didn’t sign any contracts! But that’s part of why I went with them in the first place.

I’m tired of their shit and how worthless they are when I try to reach out to them for help. If they think they’re going to make money at my expense and continue to get paid for my hard work, they’re in for a surprise.

I was meant to be a homemaker and a hobbyist. Nothing else. I can still write for fun whenever I get ideas and I can still edit old stuff. If I write just for myself, though, I don’t have to be as picky.

Feeling a little anxious, Sunday night or not, and again I question the medication and whether or not I can really handle 5 doses a week instead of 4. There’s definitely something about the drug itself, especially this brand. It just sucks knowing I may never be able to find someone who can help me. I mean really help me. I’ve got a doctor working against me and no other real alternative, which is probably part of why she’s working against me. If I can’t take the only drug available for my disease, then how can I treat myself? And if things happen for a reason, why would whatever’s up there want me to be unable to take the medication my body needs? To keep me fat? I don’t know about that because there have been numerous people who have no problem with it, get their numbers normal, but still can’t lose weight. I’m sure the weight is just an age thing.

Started watching Manhunt on Netflix. I see Chris Noth is in it. I loved him on the original Law & Order.

Had some weird dreams after sleeping a long time for the second time in less than a week. I slept 10 hours. After I got up we went to McDonald’s.

I’m also trying another cleaning schedule where I do bathrooms and the kitchen every week, bedrooms bi-weekly along with light dusting, and then a very thorough dusting once a month.

Okay, so in one dream Tom was driving super fast to get around some erratic driver and I was worried about crashing into speed bumps but he went over them as if they weren’t even there.

Then I was walking a bike with just one handlebar and finally, I decided I could ride it okay after adjusting some kind of strange music player and its memory card.

In another dream, I was on a “potty chair.” This was a plush chair that was also a toilet of some bizarre kind.

Next, I dreamed that my dentist was looking to replace Kathleen. Or was it herself?

In the last dream, there were these 150-foot-tall stone doors between the US and Mexico. It was decided that since they couldn’t curb the immigration problem they would simply say fuck it and just let people come and go between the two countries as they pleased.

SATURDAY, APRIL 14, 2018 As I’m being told by one person and then another and another that they downloaded my book via KU, I’m sitting here wondering why nothing is showing up on my sales reports. Doubting that all these people were lying, I started to suspect Amazon may be ripping me off. Well, in a sense my hunch is right, thanks to new devices.

It’s no wonder! This really pisses me off, too. It’s like I’m literally writing stories and then paying Amazon to sell them. I always did feel like something put me here to be an asset and a profit to others and all at my expense. Well, no more! Amazon gets most of my book sale money as it is and so I edited the pricing of each book and disallowed for lending. Now people will have to buy my books. I still may not be paid fairly for what few sales I make but at least I’ll get something. I thought of jacking the price up to where I’m pocketing more of the sales than Amazon but wonder if that may lower my chances of making any sales. Everyone wants stuff for free or close to it. I almost never pay for the books I read. I’ll keep it at $.99 and see how I do without allowing for lending for a while and then I’ll try jacking up the price to maybe $4.99. If that doesn’t do me any good I may hang it up altogether. If I’m going to work this hard for virtually nothing then I may as well do it just for fun only rather than have to be so overly picky about editing and things like that. I really don’t think it was meant to be. It would’ve taken off by now if it was but I certainly can’t say I didn’t try. It’s like with the weight; if your body doesn’t respond to diet and exercise then the extra weight was probably meant to be there.

This explains why the order of books listed on my reports has changed a few times yet no sales or reviews appeared. Maybe “M” really wasn’t Maliheh, though that’s not what my gut tells me. Guess I’ll never know for sure, but like I said, it really pisses me off even though I probably only lost a few dollars. Wonder if Kathleen was any of those borrowers?

Despite not getting paid for my work, a very special thanks to my new beta reader, Aly, for acting as a secondary editor! At first, I didn’t want to bother her by asking if she’d read for me, but she said she’d gladly do it during her downtime and I assured her it wasn’t like I’d be emailing her a manuscript every week or anything like that. Even editing novellas is a HUGE job that takes time.

Tom and I chatted with the Twenties yesterday. They verified that it was the Internet company that was out but they don’t know what or if they’re going to do anything at all.

I was discussing heart rates with other people and I realize that everyone has their own normal HR. It’s no real cause for alarm for me if my HR goes a little over 100, but I can see where even the 80s would be a concern for some people with HRs much lower than mine.

Although I’m still not as used to the heat as I used to be when I was younger, skinny and living in the desert, I noticed I was more tolerant of it when out walking yesterday, again suggesting I could be very close to menopause and through the worst of the peri. It’s going to cool down and rain a little again, though.

Told the McClellan Sacramento airport on Google+, for whatever good it may do, that if they’re the ones flying around so much of the time, especially at night, it’s annoying as hell. Really hope we don’t live next to a small airstrip ever again. I’d rather commercial planes even though they’re louder. Small planes have an annoying buzz to them like a mosquito or a fly buzzing in your ear.

After four or five hours of crashing, something loud drove by and woke me up at 8 AM. I lay there for a half-hour and then I got up and made coffee. Still tired, I took a baby Benadryl to relax me enough to fall back asleep. Got back up at 1 PM and have been a little groggy ever since. I started off feeling like I felt Wednesday. I’m tired of this up-and-down with the energy. Lately, it’s hit or miss as to whether or not I’ll have the energy to work out. Hopefully, going up to five doses a week instead of four as I plan to do in a week will give me more energy without making me anxious.

FRIDAY, APRIL 13, 2018 I’m really coming to distrust doctors as much as I distrust the police. Tom’s Indian co-worker who was put on Levothyroxine a few months ago is now having the same symptoms I had with a booming heart. And of course, her doctor dismissed it and said she’s “just anxious,” even though we know what’s normal for us and what’s not and the fact that our intuition is almost always accurate. God, I want to slap some of these doctors!

I feel so bad for her even though we never met. Next comes the psych drugs and then the suggested trips to the shrink and therapist which will end up costing her hundreds of dollars and tons of wasted time because these damn doctors don’t want to deal with the root cause. From my own personal experience and what I’ve heard from others, these doctors obviously have a protocol and are obviously instructed to automatically shift the blame away from the meds despite its known issues for some people. Even the nurse I talked to said so without me bringing it up first.

Goes to show that doctors are often more interested in doing what’s easiest for them instead of what’s best for the patient. The question is why they do this. My only guess is that it’s because there are no other real alternatives and it would be bad for the patient not to take the medication at all.

I don’t think Tom mentioned what happened to me so as not to scare her since most people don’t have any problems with this medication, but someone’s got to tell her the truth. If they don’t, she’ll likely suffer needlessly before realizing that no matter what her gut tells her and regardless of the fact that she doesn’t have a history of anxiety, she needs to lower her dose. She’s only on 50s because she went from a TSH of 4 to 2. Why they would even bother medicating her at 4 is beyond me because that’s so close to normal, and 50 seems way too much to drop just 2 points. She’s likely to minus as the drug accumulates.

Hopefully, Tom will tell her that yes, it really is the medication and yes she really does need to cut back when no one else gives her any straight answers. If she’s smart enough she’ll do her own research as well and find enough complaints online that prove she’s not just “anxious” or imagining it. Meanwhile, until she realizes all this and is better informed, she’s just going to continue to get the runaround from the doctors.

I totally resent the hell out of the doctors that cost me so much time and money when it all could have been prevented! I knew that very little of my problem was due to perimenopause, and this woman is only around 30. I think the only thing I would have experienced from the peri was hot flashes, a slightly elevated heart rate, and my heart racing me awake like it used to when I would overheat in my sleep. Not an HR that was often 130+, feeling like I was going to die, and being terrified out of my mind.

I may not like the woman because she’s pretty religious and they tend to be rather hypocritical but no one deserves to suffer like that. No one. Its symptoms are the worst feeling in the world. I totally believed that without a doubt. Nothing I could ever experience could be that bad. If I knew I had to go through it all over again and there would be nothing I could do to stop it, I would probably kill myself.

Good news for me, though. It’s not looking like those “neck knockers” I’ve been complaining about and the other symptoms are due to my bad ear being clogged. I have the fake ear canal cleaned regularly. This is the first time I’ve gone a year instead of 6 months and when Tom looked in there with a flashlight he could see all kinds of build-up since it can’t shed dead skin like a normal ear canal. It’s easy to see into it, too. It was created with a laser drill. Normal ear canals are wavy so you can’t see straight into them. But they drill artificial canals straight through, of course, haha. I started oiling it which I admit I’ve been slacking off on and that seems to be helping. I really should throw baby oil in it a couple of times a week regardless.

The neck knockers have to do with conductive hearing. When the ear gets blocked you hear the pulse easier. I still have high blood pressure, mind you, but the lightheadedness and other symptoms are most likely from build-up.

I’m still cutting back on sodium and a byproduct of that is that I definitely shouldn’t gain weight on the 1000 to 1200 calories I’ve been having. I won’t lose in my case since I am still older and I do still have thyroid issues but I definitely won’t gain. Good enough for me!

Because I still felt a little off yesterday, we started planning our next vacation and that was a wonderful distraction. We’re thinking of going back to Hawaii one last time before we leave the West for good. We looked at first-class flights to other countries and while the prices aren’t that much more expensive, the flying time is insane. I love to fly but don’t want to be stuck on a plane for 15 to 24 hours. Maybe when we’re retired and living in Florida we’ll shoot on over to Europe and hit a lot of the countries there.

Not sure if we’re going to go next year or the year after, but we’ll probably rent a condo for a week in Maui because it’s actually cheaper than a hotel. We’re thinking of possibly going parasailing but we’re definitely going to do our share of snorkeling. I don’t expect to do everything we did the last time. The luau wasn’t that impressive anyway, and we’ve already been down in a submarine. Catamaran sailing and snorkeling were the best part of the trip, actually, and we must return to Lulu’s at least once for their fabulous steak and eggs. Then there’s the Whalers Village, of course. Damn, do I wish we could live there!

Been rearranging my picture files and backing everything up on Amazon Prime so I can kick some off my computer even though I still have a lot of space.

Tom gave me a little scare yesterday when I was watching him follow his route home and he appeared to get stuck at a busy intersection for a while. Traffic was heavy so he was 10 minutes late.

An older lady who’s a friend on both PB and FB and seems pretty honest said she got one of my books through KU but nothing shows up on my reports. Mitch, who says he doesn’t share or borrow any of his books, says it should show up. Is someone working for Amazon that has a grudge against me or are they just that fucked up? Either Kindle isn’t crediting me for everything or some people are liars. Maybe Maliheh isn’t really Maliheh and whoever it is really did buy Campus Games and I never got credit for it. Either way, maybe I oughta disallow for sharing and lending in the future and see if that brings more sales.

THURSDAY, APRIL 12, 2018 If I was psychic in a way that was actually useful for once I would know how many more years the roof would hold up before it actually began leaking water down into the house. If it were to take another 10 years then we wouldn’t need to do it at all. Instead, I get to have a series of worthless dream premonitions and the mood-influencing thing I’m not even going to get into.

Because I felt so crappy I didn’t finish writing about the day I talked to the workers. I still don’t know what’s going on and when because the Twenties haven’t replied to my message. I saw Jon talking to Ray and as always Ray turned away as if to avoid me. He later looked right at me and although I couldn’t see his eyes behind his sunglasses, his mouth was set in a firm tight line of both hate and anger. I still don’t know what his problem with me is and I don’t give a fuck but I really wish just the same that his house would hurry up and sell and that he would get the fuck out of here. It’s really too bad he didn’t have the balls to tell me to my face what his problem with me is instead of going to the Twenties about it instead. I fucking hate gossipers! Oh, the Twenties never said anything, of course. He gave himself away when he explained to Jon instead of me that he accidentally sent me the messenger invite and his little thumbs-up emoji.

I will be the one avoiding him as much as possible until he’s out of here so he doesn’t go saying the wrong thing and cause me to lose my temper. If you’re that rude to me, I don’t care how damn old you are. But of course, if I were provoked, even though we live in a time where we’re responsible for everyone’s behavior but our own, I’m the one who would take the fall.

Back to the main point; I talked to one of the workers who had a map with different colors for different roads and he said something about seeing if they could do it in the first place. Oh, I’m sure they can. If I can hear it, they can do it. The project is going to take months but he said they would only be working close to the house for a day. Yeah, I’ll believe it when I see it. I’m sure I’ll be tortured for a week or so. And then a week to 10 days later there will be something else. Some kind of home improvement or something the utility company or park will do.

Anyway, instead of working out outdoors yesterday, I stuck to the treadmill. The weather may have had a hand in how tired I felt. Cloudy, wet weather can make me feel sluggish, though it didn’t rain until the evening.

Today they picked up the bulk trash as they do every few months.

I may drop CampNano as I’m simply out of ideas for the story I’m working on.

I have a little more energy today but started off a bit shaky. Today my blood pressure is 155/84 if I can believe the reading. Only went out walking for five minutes and in that five-minute walk, I saw two or three houses for sale. Again, I’ve never lived where so many houses are sold so often around me.

Aly was in the hospital as I suspected when I didn’t hear from her yesterday with an eczema flare-up. The doctor thinks she may even be low on thyroid. I’m honestly not surprised at all. She’s been exhibiting symptoms of that and it seems those cursed with AI’s don’t get just one. I said I know I’ve told her some pretty scary stories about Levothyroxine but don’t let it scare her because most people don’t have problems. She said she isn’t worried because she knows three others on it who have never had a problem.

Yeah, if anyone has to have a problem with meds it’s me. That’s why I am afraid to go on BP meds, but if it’s responsible for some of the lightheadedness, worsening vision, and fatigue like I read it may be, I may not have much choice. The worse I feel, the more I might be tempted to try meds. The neck knockers alone are annoying and a bit scary. I’m not going to decide until Doc A’s nurse tells me what my numbers are because I can’t believe they would happen to be normal there if I’m really having regular problems like I seem to be. Sometimes I feel almost weak and my head vibrates, too.

Beginning on the week of the 23rd, which will put me six weeks away from labs, I’ll skip two doses a week instead of three and see how I do.

I just wish I could stop worrying about things so much! It seems I spend more time worrying than anything else and that does a number on my body and mind, especially my mind. I don’t want to suffer until I’m actually dying but I seem to do an awful lot of that these last few years. If only I could know how much more suffering I have to do in my life, what dying will be like, and what the afterlife is like if there is one, as that may take a whole lot of stress off me… Or not. I hate not knowing what I’m in for during the rest of my life and then possibly afterward, but again, I’m just not psychic in a useful way.

I have thousands of pictures on my computer, most of which I’ve collected over the years around the net, and think I might get rid of most of them, particularly the ones I can’t use as avatars or backgrounds. I still sometimes like to decorate blogs with them and I use them on Bubbly, too. I’ll also keep some for wallpaper. After storing them on Amazon Prime, I’ll delete some picture files. Or maybe I’ll use them to decorate Tom’s emails and on Skype before I delete them.

I almost wish voice blogging was the norm because it’s definitely easier to talk than to write but then that’s harder to search and edit. I still think it will become the norm at some point.

Not remembering much in the way of dreams. Something about watching a music video and thinking that the guy singing looked like he was wearing a wig.

Then I was being “punished” for some reason (the black freeloaders) by being made to stand in something that looked as small as a phone booth. I got fed up at one point when I realized I had no incentive to behave and cooperate since they weren’t giving me time off for good behavior or anything.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11, 2018 I’m not feeling too well now despite feeling great the last few days and continuing to sleep well. I’m just lightheaded and fatigued for some reason. I Debroxed my ear but that didn’t help. Maybe I just lost weight too fast even though it was only a few pounds. But yes, even Miss Hashimoto can lose a few pounds when she turns 80% of her diet into veggies.

I’m now starting to get a little concerned about my blood pressure. I know they call it the silent killer and that it doesn’t usually have symptoms, but sometimes it does, such as noticing your pulse in your neck, fatigue, and lightheadedness. I could be tired and lightheaded for a number of reasons but is it really normal to hear and feel my pulse in my neck like this every time I lay down? This is the first time it’s really started to worry me but with my medication phobia, I’m kind of stuck. I guess I will just wait and see what the numbers are on a more accurate device in June. Wrist and thumb cuffs aren’t as accurate as the arm cuffs. He has an electronic arm cuff but I hate those things and I won’t use it. I would have thought my upper number was in the 140s and my lower was pretty normal, but I don’t know about that or if cutting back on sodium is going to help as much as I hoped.

I’m very relieved to learn that Tammy is cancer-free! I figured as much and I’m not really surprised because of the lack of dreams. I almost always have bad dreams about someone when they’re headed for trouble, and like I was telling my nieces when we were chatting on Facebook, sometimes it’s what I don’t see that’s most important.

Mark called and we spoke briefly and he told me they were able to verify that there was no cancer by looking at the sample under a microscope but they’re still going to send it to the lab, of course. They’re thinking infection.

Now, maybe she can get on with her life once and for all. She’ll never be problem-free as is the case with most of us when we get older, but I think she’s had more than enough.

My worries are now on a friend. I get that sometimes we get busy or we’re just not in the mood to socialize but I must admit it’s a bit weird not to wake up to a text from her. We chat pretty much every day, and sometimes we leave each other voice clips and pics, along with texts.

I sent a message to Christiane because I was worried about her being in Leipzig with all the shit she’s got going on there. She said she’s okay but she’s worried about her granddaughter. I don’t know where her granddaughter is but despite the savage beasts running around her country, she’s unharmed.

Yesterday was one of those days where I almost wished we decided to get the hell out as soon as we could or that they’d lay him off and give us an excuse to go. That would be a real incentive, all right. Funny too, seeing that for years we worried they would lay him off and now a part of me wishes they would. Most jobs will lay you off eventually, so I’m surprised he’s still there. Especially since the company has laid off several others in the past and has been struggling for some time now.

It was noisy here from 8 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. with landscaping racket on and off all day. First it was the park doing one section, then it was one house, then it was another house, then it was the park doing another section, then it was another house…

To make matters worse we can’t even go a week without some distracting project here that’s totally annoying as hell. Now they want to tear up the roads to add more fiber optics to speed up the internet. I’m actually not sure if it’s the cable or the phone company that’s going to be doing this because I didn’t see the vehicle the workers were in. Just about half a dozen workers themselves. It would suck for us if it was a phone company because it would be difficult to switch phones and all that. I swear, as soon as you get an ideal setup, someone goes and fucks it all up for you. I’m tired of listening to shit around here, and of course, my sleep is always threatened depending on my schedule.

Not sure if a faster Internet connection would even help us. It’s fast enough as it is and having a fast connection wouldn’t do us any good if you go to a site with slow settings.

Never before have I lived anywhere where landscaping was done more than once a week or less or where I heard so many projects and saw so many houses sell. I realize that the constant selling of houses has to do with being where old people live since the people that come here don’t stay here for 40 or 50 years.

TUESDAY, APRIL 10, 2018 They recommend no more than 20g of sugar a day for women and 36g a day for men. Not sure if this means natural sugars only as opposed to refined or if it’s counting all sugars.

Also, no more than 300 milligrams of cholesterol and no more than 1500 of sodium.

Ironically enough, foods higher in sodium and cholesterol seem to be higher in calories, so if you lower your sodium and cholesterol intake that should take care of the calories. In my case, it should keep me from gaining but most people might lose this way. Even so, where I used to count calories now I will be counting cholesterol and definitely sodium to get my blood pressure down. It’s improving but still needs work. Won’t know about the cholesterol until June.

It could be just a coincidence but it seems that adding a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar to my diet as I have for about a week now may be helping my lichen planus. This rash affects moist areas. I realized I hadn’t been itching as much and when I checked one of my armpits I couldn’t see any redness.

Unless the person with the laptop in Austin was Molly using Marbridge’s computer, none of the iPhones are Molly after all. Aly says her carrier is Sprint but other carriers like T-Mobile visited me with iPhones in Texas. At this point, I’m getting hopeful that Molly isn’t going to be a problem. If she is, though, I’ll be a problem for her when I contact Marbridge.

Hmm… just read that T-Mobile and Sprint are merging.

MONDAY, APRIL 9, 2018 Okay, I’m going to attempt to use Google Docs while on my treadmill. So far it seems to do a great job of hearing what I’m saying and understanding me. My skier is quiet but the treadmill isn’t. The faster you run on the treadmill, the louder it is. Gotta go at a leisurely pace of 2.3 MPH or else it won’t understand me as well.

I was so pissed off yesterday because while we were discussing the home Improvement plans we want to make in what time we have left here, I looked at a really pretty 3D decorative plate with flowers and hummingbirds hanging on the living room wall and thought that Tammy would love it. I went to reach for it and what did I do? Smashed the fucking thing to smithereens when it slipped out of my grip. I was so pissed!

Her surgery is tomorrow. Still no dreams so I’m guessing no news is good news? I hope that’s the case but I don’t see every single thing that happens in my dreams nor can I control what I do see. I don’t always know that they mean anything until and if they come to fruition. Sometimes I get a feeling right away that a certain dream is a sign of something to come or a warning but sometimes I don’t. I’m hoping that it doesn’t turn out to be any big deal because as Tom reminded me, the doctors were once pretty sure that Mary had cancer all throughout her body yet she didn’t.

I can’t remember every single thing she and I discussed during our phone chat but I misunderstood her about the motorcycles. They are allowed where she lives but like here, if they go joyriding through the place and there’s a complaint, they’ll be kicked out. I was surprised she mentioned a Doberman living there but I guess they used to allow dogs of all sizes until they put similar size limits on them that they have here. I don’t think smaller dogs are necessarily quieter, but if you’re like me and you’re afraid of big dogs, then it’s definitely nice to live where there aren’t any.

A lady was walking her Chihuahua which she freed of its leash as she neared her home and it ran up barking at me. I petted it and then it barked for more when I stopped just like the woman said it would. I like the look and feel of this breed but they do have the bark from hell. A quick check of dog breeds, sizes and temperaments suggests a Basenji dog might eventually be good for me. It’s hypoallergenic and doesn’t bark as much.

Tom has gotten really good at picking locks, haha. As I may have mentioned, he gets a surprise electronics box every few months from ADAfruit and this time it contained a clear lock with lock-picking tools because the point of their packages is to understand how things work. He can pick their lock in just a minute or two but it took him a long time to pick an old rusty padlock of ours. I can’t even pick the easy one but I’m not as patient as he is.

My book Socio was published over the weekend but I’m sure I won’t get shit for sales.

So in the one to six years we expect to be here since they could lay him off anytime, while he doesn’t expect to be working there beyond 67 if they don’t, we decided on what we think is worth doing with the place while we’re still here. It’s a little late to do the windows. We should have done them early on but we didn’t so we’re not going to do that and we’re likely not going to laminate the laundry and kitchen floors like we should have either. We actually don’t know for sure on the floors, but we are getting the new oven probably at the end of this month, and we have plans to drywall the hallway. I love pink and it’s definitely my favorite color but even I can’t stand the blinding pink I so stupidly chose for the hallway. So we’re going to white that out. We had planned to eventually do another mural in the living room and our long hallway, so we think we might do them both at once when he takes a week off in early June.

We disagree on when we should do the roof, though. His logic is that we should wait another year since it held up during the rainy season because that way we’re getting the money’s worth out of what we paid for when we bought the house nearly 5 years ago. My logic is that the sooner we get the new roof, the quicker we can enjoy the peace of mind a new roof would bring and an extra year to get the money’s worth out of that.

Cutting back on sodium has helped my blood pressure at least enough to where it’s not waking me up with my pulse pounding in my neck but it’s still elevated. I probably do need blood pressure medicine but with my medication phobia, I’m not in any hurry to get any. I still say that how I feel matters more than how many more years I live. If I were in my 20s I would be more concerned.

It does kind of suck to know that it’s probably going to take another 20 years before and if I naturally get on a schedule. By then my life will be virtually over.

We went to Sam’s on Saturday where I got a gorgeous floral quilt. It’s very stylish yet colorful. It will be good for the winter but probably not the summer. I’ve been looking for this for quite some time but didn’t realize they were calling them quilts. When I would look up duvets I would get comforters and when I would look up blankets I would get fleece blankets. What I like about this quilt is that it’s thicker than a fleece blanket so I don’t need two blankets during the winter, but it’s not as thick and heavy as a comforter.

We also loaded up on some bulk items like water, detergent, and even got some of those air fresheners you clip on your car vent and I like them a lot. Way better than the danglies that obstruct vision and lose their smell in no time.

On Sunday we went to Walmart and I got a bright pink tank dress for the summer.

I also got a deep dark red wine-colored lipstick for Suki and it looks awesome on her. Where I look horrible in dark-colored lipstick, she looks great. It’s totally her color and goes well with her dark eyes and black hair.

Breaked from this entry to get some other things done. Just finished cleaning Tom’s room and bathroom and now Roomba is taking over. So glad I don’t have to vacuum! Especially the living room.

It was quite chilly on my walk this morning but it’s to be a beautiful day and I have the window by my desk open since I’m not going to be sitting there today. I’m in the bedroom now and have a window open in here, too. I can faintly hear the guy mowing his lawn a couple of yards down even on the treadmill but that’s about it. The smell of fresh-cut grass is wafting in here. I’ve always liked that smell.

Decided to try some peanut sauce with which to season my vegetables but instead of being a thick nutty sauce it’s watery, spicy and gross.

It’s funny to see Mexico get a taste of their own medicine and see how they handle hordes of immigrants for a change instead of it always being on us. Funny how all these “poor” people claim to be so broke yet they appear well-dressed, well-fed, and in possession of all kinds of fancy gadgets.

Molly created a Prosebox account after all. It’s a little hard for me to fully trust Aly because she’s lied in the past. I can’t say for sure that she pointed my account out to Molly or that Molly even knows how to access my profile there since you can’t look up my name as I use a sun emoji for the ‘o’ in my name. But I did stupidly share the account link in the past and she could have gotten it on her own from a different site. I think that for the most part, Aly has learned from her mistakes and that I can mostly trust her with things, but if I really don’t want to risk anything being shared with Kim or Molly, then I won’t say anything at all.

You know, for a split second I laughed to myself at the thought of Aly and I remaining friends for the rest of my life and her inheriting my stuff and then being able to read everything I’ve written, including stuff I never shared with the public or anyone for that matter. That’s the price you pay, though, when you get all kinds of goodies from someone for free since everyone has at least something that someone could really use or that they would like. With those good freebies may come some rather strange, hurtful and surprising revelations.

Nothing’s changed with Molly. I read the two quick entries she posted, and according to Aly Molly says Prosebox is lame because no one has responded to her entries. Of course, that’s the whole point for her is to get attention. For me, it’s writing first, audience second.

Same old shit going on with her. They’re still trying to find the miracle concoction that will help her with her dramatic mood swings, no guys notice her, etc. Same old sad sob story. I guess she really has moved on in some ways, though. Aly said she has an iPhone and I did get a Texas view yesterday but they were in Arlington. I know every now and then someone shows up in a different location and sometimes even a different state. Still can’t say for sure that it was her. Aly assured me that while she seems to have let go of most things, there are a few things she’s still obsessed with like Roman, Josh and Kathy. I was a little surprised to hear that she’s still obsessed with Kathy but I’m guessing maybe she’s remained fixated on these people because she’s actually met them face-to-face. As long as she doesn’t harass me, all will be fine. I know right where she is, though. So if she does revert back to her old ways, Marbridge is just an email away.

I was surprised to learn that Molly hasn’t been restricted from being online at all. She just prefers to stick to Facebook mostly. She can go anywhere she wants from her phone but is not allowed to add any apps that didn’t come with her phone like Facebook.

I had a really sad dream the other day involving a cinnamon rat with the same colors and markings that Tinkerbell had. For some reason, I was forced to give it up and was devastated because I knew it would be killed. I was crying, hugging and kissing it, dreading the moment when I had to basically send it to its death.

Last night I dreamed that I was hanging out in some woman’s home or store. It seemed like it might have been more of a place of business. Some kind of boutique maybe? She received a delivery while I was there and the delivery man referred to her as Eden. She seemed to be in her 30s or 40s and I seemed to be young and desperate again even though I was married to Tom. My end goal was for her to be a playmate.

She said something about me being the kind that was fun to hang out with a few people around or alone and I told her she could contact me anytime.

Then I was going through her shorts. She had a pile of shorts present and I complimented a pink pair with a little rainbow.

Well, I may not be young and desperate, but I’m a little annoyed with Kathleen. First, she says she would like to go shopping with me, then she agrees to look me up on Facebook, then she tells me she doesn’t have a Facebook account, and then she invites me to some little get-together she never follows through on.

Why do women do this to me? She’s given me every indication to believe she likes me even if she knows we’ll never be more than friends, so what’s her problem then?

SUNDAY, APRIL 8, 2018 Just thought I would start catching up while my chicken dinner is cooking. It’s in one of those McCormick seasoning bags where you throw the chicken in the bag with the seasoning. Comes out awesome that way.

It’s been a busy weekend so far and we still have things we want to do.

Backing up and going in order of events and hopefully not forgetting anything along the way, Tammy and I chatted on Friday. I was surprised to get her call because I didn’t expect to hear from her until after surgery. She expects to be pretty out of it for a while so she said the girls will pass along updates for me. They better not forget! They have to work and so does Mark but I’m sure they’ll keep people in the loop when they can.

Anyway, they still don’t know what they’re going to find until they get in there and see what’s going on, and therefore they don’t yet know what they’re going to do about it. She’s just tired of suffering, understandably. It would be nice if her little friend in the sky actually existed and gave a shit.

I believe we’re all cursed in some department or another, and like I’m cursed in the sleep department, it seems she’s cursed in the health department. I hate being so helpless but even if I were there, there still wouldn’t be much I could do. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away but unfortunately, there’s just no such thing. However, I can say from firsthand experience that different spells sometimes do help with different things. They may not make things perfect but they can help and so I’m scrambling to figure out an appropriate formula that may help someone nearly 3,000 miles away.

She’s going to be in intensive care after surgery so they can watch for any bleeding. I didn’t realize we had so many lymph nodes all over the place. I guess some of them are too deep to simply reach in and remove for a biopsy so they’re going to go through her throat and try to get something behind the breastbone. At least I think that’s what she said. It sends chills throughout me just thinking about it! I just hope whatever it turns out to be nothing and that they can find a way to make it easier for her to live with the diseases that aren’t curable.

I tried to cheer her up by talking about other things to get her mind off the health issues but then I felt kind of bad afterward like I might have come off as selfish and insensitive to her situation. I don’t think anything or anyone can really cheer her up until all this medical drama gives her a break once and for all.

Where I thought I had one autoimmune disease, apparently I have three. I didn’t realize lichen planus was considered an autoimmune disease in itself until I saw a list of autoimmune diseases listed. I thought that was a side effect of Hashimoto’s. Also, they’ve come to consider asthma an autoimmune disease. For the most part, I haven’t noticed my asthma since quitting smoking. It was bad until I was around 10 because my stupid parents smoked in the house around me every day, but then it improved until I was around 20. I was seldom home the older I got and I was almost never home as a teenager. It was bad from my mid-twenties to early 30s because I too, was dumb enough to smoke for something like 16-18 years. I wish my sister would stop that shit as well.

She got a new dog from the Humane Society, a 2-year-old Chihuahua named Hunter. It has one hell of a fierce bark, LOL, going off on some dog that was passing by when they were sitting in the lanai.

Soon I must change the rats’ cage. Make that their mansion. I could fit in it without the shelves in it.

FRIDAY, APRIL 6, 2018 It’s raining here today. It’s nice every now and then because it keeps things quiet, even if I don’t like the cold. Not keeping the planes quiet, though.

I slept shitty yesterday because the blood pounding in my neck woke me up a few times. I really, really have to back off the frozen dinners! Too much sodium. I just read that we shouldn’t have more than 1500 mg of sodium a day. Well, I had about twice that much yesterday. It’s no wonder my blood pressure went through the roof.

Definitely going to be replacing a lot of what I eat with veggies. I feel so much better when I do and it’s healthier. Less sodium, less cholesterol, less calories.

Today, however, I’m enjoying all kinds of naughties. Candy, nuts, pork fried rice, and lobster macaroni and cheese. Their hot wok didn’t have crab rangoons but what they did have was delicious. Haven’t had the shrimp scampi yet.

The only other thing they didn’t have was sparkling water but since we’re out running errands on weekends anyway, we’ll pick some up then.

Really hoping the apple cider vinegar helps with the cholesterol! Aly’s Fitbit friend swears by it but it’s hard to believe I would get that lucky. As one of my fellow writers pointed out, it isn’t just a matter of what we eat, but a matter of what’s in some of our shitty genetics.

Managed to get some more of my Nano project done yesterday after all. Not sure I’ll be in a writing kind of mood today, though.

THURSDAY, APRIL 5, 2018 Finally heard from that elusive sister of mine. Tammy, who is at the hospital registering for surgery on the 10th, confirmed that she is on blood pressure medicine. Figured as much. It seems most older people need it and are left on it for life. I may need it too, but I’m going to try to avoid it for as long as I can. I always try to resort to natural remedies first.

Yesterday I replaced one of my meals with stir-fried vegetables and ended up having a little over a thousand calories. I was down a pound the next day but I have my doubts that I could keep losing steadily. Even if I don’t, the most important thing is getting my cholesterol down. I think if I stay away or at least limit the foods that are bad for cholesterol and blood pressure, it will help a lot.

We did our first Raley’s order online yesterday and they’re to deliver late this afternoon. It will be interesting to see how well they do with being punctual and how well in stock they are. I wonder what they’ll deliver them in? I’m guessing paper bags.

As with Walmart, you have the option of allowing them to substitute the things you want them to substitute that they’re out of. I usually don’t let them substitute, though. I don’t want, for example, them not to have sparkling strawberry water and therefore give me orange, lemon or lime.

I admit I went a little overboard, LOL, wanting to try new things and was especially delighted by the Sizzling Wok. It’s expensive but now’s the time to enjoy these things… While we still have money. I say if you have money, save some and enjoy the rest! If you save everything you may have more cushion for rainy days but you won’t have as much of a life in between. We all gotta live a little. Money isn’t everything, but it’s still nice to enjoy whenever we can. I was broke most of my life and would go back to that in a heartbeat as long as it meant staying healthy and feeling good. You just can’t put a price on that! I’m trying not to think of and not to worry about Tammy’s health, but I do. It’s only natural to worry about those we care about but I’m still holding out the hope that they don’t find anything cancerous and that they can get rid of it if they do. The waiting in the suspense must be killing her! I hope they don’t wait too long after the 10th to give her the results so she can know what’s going on and pass the info along to me and others.

Anyway, I’m looking forward to trying their lobster macaroni and cheese and also their shrimp scampi. Remember, I hate to cook and he’s not into that either so we do get a lot of pre-made stuff.

We went out running early this morning. Didn’t see any coyotes, skunks or possums.

He gets a monthly surprise box with electronic-related stuff, teaching people how things work. One of the strangest boxes yet contained a clear lock and tools to learn to pick it. He’s gotten good at picking the lock but when I tried I had no luck. I only tried once for a couple of minutes, though. I could probably learn to do it with practice though I have no desire to go lock-picking, haha. It might come in handy, however, to know how to do if we lose a key to an old padlock or something.

I really like WhatsApp a lot. It’s definitely easier and more reliable than texting and it has some nice features. I can add wallpaper and so my little chat with Aly is now in the cherry trees. I was playing around with the camera and video functions and accidentally sent her a beautiful shot of the bedroom ceiling. Then I sent a lovely video of Suki. She said she looked like she was ready to be used, haha.

I like how it tells me when she picks up texts and when she’s online and all that, too. It says when she was last on even if she isn’t on at the moment.

She has a nice voice but she’s a little hard to understand at times. Like Kim, she sometimes mumbles and talks too fast.

She said that just 24 hours after taking the turmeric pill it seems to be helping. I just might try it for my rash if she continues to have success with it.

I’m going to have to reschedule my ENT because my schedule isn’t looking good for it. It’s looking good for Doc A, though.

I think I might have had some spotting yesterday but it was so faint that I can’t say for sure.

Last night I had another round of vague and strange bits and pieces of dreams that were pretty senseless. In one dream I was following Tom who was following a waitress who was seating us in a restaurant. Only the restaurant was pitch black and I could barely see them even though they were right in front of me. After a few seconds, I lost sight of them all together and couldn’t see a thing. All was jet black. I couldn’t even see any of the other customers or tables.

Then we were in another restaurant and all of a sudden I felt incredibly sleepy. So they let me take a nap in a room in the back of the restaurant. As I felt myself drift off, I forced myself back awake because I knew that if I didn’t I would probably be out for hours and I didn’t want to make anybody wait on me that long.

In another dream, I was walking down a hall somewhere where a few people and a tiger were present. The tiger took something out of my hand that might have been a plastic bag and I didn’t try to get it back because I didn’t want to piss it off and get attacked. I was still terrified but tried not to let it show. Then I saw someone open a door and I called out to them to hold it for me. I ran up to the door and exited the hallway with them.

In the last dream, I was in this filthy bathroom that looked like it was hundreds of years old. Two women were sitting at a vanity table nearby chatting, and I was taking a bath in an old footed-tub that seemed both gross and way too narrow.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 4, 2018 I made a mistake when I said my BP was 161/90. It was actually 151/90 the other day when I woke up and checked it. From the way I’ve been feeling lately, I think it’s stable again. I feel great today and I wish I could feel like this every day. Yesterday I was a touch anxious and I skipped my pill today so it wouldn’t be worse. There’s definitely something about the synthetic version of this stuff, especially this brand. Something has to be done eventually but I don’t know what. Not going to worry about that today since my condition isn’t life-threatening and there’s no imminent danger. My energy levels are great, my mood is great, and I wish I could feel like this every day or at least most of the time. Yesterday I had a bit of fatigue too, but I still managed to get a lot done.

Tom and I went on an early morning walk. I ran so fast at some points that he could hardly keep up with me. I must be in pretty good shape too because when we got back my HR was only up to 118 after that mad sprint. Tom said he saw a coyote. He saw it at the foot of the driveway. I didn’t see anything, though. They’re usually harmless anyway.

We decided we’ve had enough of Walmart’s bullshit so we’re not going to order groceries for pick up anymore from them. They keep selling out of everything, and their site is a nightmare. Really think they’re gearing up to stop that service and that’s why they keep selling out of things that they don’t restock. Everything is now out of stock or on clearance, and instead of seven pages of favorites, we now have two.

So we signed up with Raley’s and they do home delivery for just six bucks. He spends a couple of bucks in gas just to go pick up the groceries and then the time to go get them, so it’s worth it.

I can’t go all vegan so I’m going to just do my best to not go too crazy with the cholesterol. I’ll cut it out altogether a week before labs and we’ll see if the apple cider vinegar is helping.

Aly said her hematologist recommended turmeric pills and I read about a guy with my type of rash that said it helped him tremendously. If it proves to be a good thing for her, I may try that myself.

We left each other voice clips, which was cool. She sounds so young and I sound mean, LOL.

Once again, I’ve removed Campus Games and soon I will be publishing Socio. I just don’t know if I want to keep going with my Camp Nano project. I just can’t get into it. Sometimes I start a story and then I lose interest. Day 4 and I’m already bored.

Molly has been behaving so far and Aly says she’s actually been online for years but mostly sticks to just Facebook where she can play games. She said something about a supervised laptop at Marbridge but then she does have an iPhone which Sprint is her carrier. I wonder if the Austin visitor was her that I had a couple of days ago. Whoever it was had a laptop with Windows XP. Would Marbridge have such an outdated browser? The thing is they read my most recent entry and they read the one about Josh. Funny because according to Aly, she misses Josh, the guy who beat her up years ago in Iowa, so I wonder if the name grabbed her attention. Plus, she hates her roommate. So, same old, same old. But she hasn’t bothered me thus far so I’m not going to panic or run and change things. Again, that would be letting her control me all over again and I refuse to go there.

Aly also says that Marbridge does have apartments for seniors so if her parents can afford it she’s pretty much set for life.

I asked the status of the crazy mother and I guess she had surgery for her esophagus cancer, a couple of rounds of chemo, and then she retired a couple of years ago. Aly said she doesn’t ask about her parents nor does Molly mention them. Aly prefers to keep things very basic when it comes to her. She says that Molly’s never shown a real interest in Twitter so she isn’t going to block her but will watch what links she shares. She thinks she might have found her through her phone number. I wish Aly hadn’t given her her phone number or at least opted out of being searchable via phone number on Twitter like I have with being searchable via email address.

Sure enough, Tammy didn’t answer my question even though she checked in yesterday. I really feel like she and the girls are pushing me away and don’t really want me in their lives. I wish they would just say so and I will respectfully let them go.

Tammy showed up in my dreams but I don’t remember what they were about. I just know I fell asleep with her on my mind and therefore I ended up dreaming about her. Couldn’t have been too bad, I guess, or else I would have remembered it.

I also had a dream that I spotted my dentist somewhere only she had short hair, then my first endo was driving me somewhere, and then Tom was driving us through some streets with some very questionable traffic that seemed to love to cut in front of us and all that.

I dreamed I was talking on the phone to my cousin Lori who was living with her mother and saying they got a new pet which I’d never heard of. I Googled it and found it was some kind of reptile. Then I wrote them a letter saying that I enjoyed our talks and they could contact me anytime they wanted to. In reality, I’d never have anything to do with her and her family.

Then I dreamed I was walking through the park and not only were they building some two-story houses that were huge, the park looked different. There was more space around many of the houses.

The last dream made me once again wonder about parallel lives. I was seeing the life of someone else through their eyes yet it was clearly me. A younger version of myself was deciding whether or not to see a fertility doctor about having kids or hang onto her life and freedom. I chose life but I don’t know if I was with anyone or not. I guess I was.

TUESDAY, APRIL 3, 2018 Oh, fuckity fuck, fuck, fuck! She’s baaaaack. Yeah, Molly. Aly gave me a heads-up, letting me know that a Molly M was following her on Twitter and said that maybe it was a bot. No way. It’s her. Bots usually follow a zillion people and or make a zillion tweets. She has 0 tweets, 0 followers, and is only following Aly. How coincidental is that? And how did she find her?

Although it’s probably too late, I change my name in hopes of throwing her off. My account has been private, though, because I only use it to keep in touch with Aly and Kim. Originally I thought of blocking her but that may make her more determined to reach out to me. She was a determined little shit. For now, I’ll just ignore her. I will NOT go through what I went through with her and or her mother in the past! It’s been four or five years since I’ve heard from her so why now? Why has the staff at her group home or wherever the fuck she is suddenly decided to let her back online? You seriously can’t teach old dogs new tricks. The Kim’s and Molly’s of the world simply don’t change. Ever.

So now I’m not sure what to do from here. I suppose I have four options.

Block her and disallow anonymous comments on sites that allow them and stay away from sites with no blocking feature.

Ignore her if she contacts me.

Block her if she contacts me.

Be nice and return a polite hello if she says hello to me first.

I’d say the last one’s out. I never was her friend. I don’t want to be her friend. I never will be her friend. This is one I just can’t forgive. I so rarely forgive anyway, and it’s honestly a miracle I forgave Aly and an even bigger miracle I forgave Kim. It really depends on how much history I have with the person, what they did wrong in the past, and how often they wronged me. Aly and I really got to know each other well and she didn’t screw me over nearly as bad as some others have.

Aly said she tweeted to that account asking if it was the Molly in Texas she knows but didn’t get a reply. She said that’s normal for her, though.

They say that the best reaction is often no reaction at all, so for now, I’ll do nothing. I suppose it was stupid of me to assume they would keep her offline forever. She may never be on her own but I can see where she wouldn’t be kept offline forever. I just wish Marbridge or wherever the hell she is now wouldn’t think she one day woke up miraculously sane. Crazy simply doesn’t become normal.

MONDAY, APRIL 2, 2018 While I still can’t see why most lesbians cut their hair off just because they’re attracted to women (I didn’t cut mine off when I dated women prior to meeting Tom), I can totally see why older women go short. By then you’re usually dying it regularly and it’s so much easier when you don’t have as much to color. I think I’ll stay long for the rest of my Cali time and then keep it at the shoulders in Florida. That’s the perfect climate for shoulder-length hair since I don’t think I could ever stand to go any shorter. I don’t want to look like a guy. I might cut my bangs back too, even if it’ll make my huge face look even huger.

Feeling kind of crappy today as I sip on my jasmine tea. I think my blood pressure was up earlier but when we checked it a couple of hours ago it was only slightly elevated. I slept with an earplug in my good ear which makes you able to hear things going on inside you easier like your breathing and your heartbeat. Well, the “neck knockers,” as I call them, woke me up a few times which is a common symptom when one’s blood pressure is elevated. I also felt that strange vibration in my head and that compressed, fuzzy-headed feeling similar to when you have a cold, if that makes any sense. I had some lightheadedness yesterday. The only other symptom I feel is very run down. I don’t know what my problem is but it’s making it hard for me to do things that I want to do. I haven’t even begun today’s CampNano chapter so I may have to double up tomorrow.

I did read that women going into menopause often have high blood pressure. But then so do those with thyroid issues. Out of curiosity, I looked up which foods they recommend to avoid for high blood pressure. I know foods high in sodium are bad but it was funny they mentioned frozen pizza because that’s exactly what I had yesterday. It was a medium-sized pizza that took me two sittings to eat, too.

Just in case my good ear is waxy, we got a new ear wax kit from Amazon with same-day delivery since the one we had expired. We had to bring it up to $35 to get same-day delivery and since he needs new socks and underwear, he got some.

I also got this awesome K-Cup variety pack coming which includes one K cup each of the following: 1 of Cake Boss Dulce De Leche, 1 of Cake Boss Hazelnut Biscotti, 1 of Cake Boss Italian Rum, 1 of Cake Boss Raspberry Truffle, 1 of Cake Boss Vanilla Butter Cream, 1 of Guy Fieri Hot Fudge Brownie, 1 of Guy Fieri Caramel Apple, 1 of Guy Fieri Hazelnut Cinnamon Roll, 1 of Guy Fieri Chocolate Mint, 1 of Entenmann’s Cinnamon, 1 of Entenmann’s Coconut Cream Pie, 1 of Entenmann’s Party Cake, 1 of Wolfgang French Vanilla, 1 of Wolfgang Jamaica me Crazy. 1 of Wolfgang Hawaiian Hazelnut. 1 of Martinson Vanilla Velvet, 1 of Martinson Cayman Coconut, 1 of Martinson Mint and Mocha, 1 of Martinson Caramel Crème, 1 of Martinson Irish Crème, 1 of Martinson Tiramisu Twist, 1 of Martinson Texas Pecan, 1 of Barnie Santa White Christmas, 1 of Barnie Crème Brule, 1 of Barnie Cool Café Blues, 1 of Rio Grande Van Hazelnut, 1 of Hurricane Coconut Fudge, 1 of Hurricane Butter Toffee, 1 of Grove Square Caramel, 1 of Victor Allen Sugar Cookie, 1 of Victor Allen Caramel, 1 of Toraini Toasted Hazelnut, 1 of Polka Dot Café Caramel Macchiato, 1 of Indulgio Hazelnut, 1 of Java Factory Choconut, 1 of Java Factory Vanilla Dream, 1 of Crazy Cups Peppermint Chocolate Mocha, 1 of Brooklyn Beans Maple Sleigh, 1 of Authentic Donut Shop Chocolate Chip Cookie, 1 of Authentic Donut Shop Vanilla Hazelnut.

The only one I may not like is the Irish cream.

I also got a pink pool wrap for the pool and that can also be worn around the house. It’s a unique style and I never had anything like it before. I guess you stick one arm through it, wrap it around your back, then put your arm through the other strap. I know I’m not a plus-size but at the rate I’m going I just might get there. Besides, they say the sizes tend to run small with these.

It’s cool watching Tom in real-time as he makes his way to work. I just wish it updated more consistently but it actually updates every minute or two and draws a straight line from point to point, so I learned. I was wondering why it looked like he plowed through the RV parking lot the other day and drove over some yards, LOL. Even I ran over the pool when I was out running the other day.

I only skimmed it but someone shared an article about forgetfulness being a sign of superior intelligence. Haha, is that why I’ve been so damn forgetful these last seven or eight years or so?

Now that we’ve decided we’re going to stick around a little longer, I guess that means we’re on for doing the roof this summer, and for once we’ll be the noisemakers in the community. Going to get a new oven at some point as well.

I started to say that I was okay with living in the mainstream again when we move since if it isn’t one thing I hear it’s something else and every place I ever live is noisy, but I really would rather not play house again with the welfare bums, the wild college kids, or the large Mormon families.

I feel so bad for that nurse in California who was fired for saying that the black boy who got shot deserved it. Well, he certainly didn’t “deserve” it if he hadn’t brandished any weapons, and I’ll admit I didn’t read the article, but what I do know of the case is that he was running from the police. Why would you run if you haven’t done anything wrong?

That’s not the point here, however. The point is that I think it’s really sad that not only is our civil right to free speech breached constantly, but we are now fired for what we do outside of work.

I read the nurse’s tweet and never once did she mention race. As is often the case these days, it was the people and the media that brought race into the picture. She said he was running and breaking into houses and therefore deserved it. She never said he deserved it because he was black. Only others saw black and took it upon themselves to twist her words. This is so typical of the times we live in. Never before was virtually everything seen as racist. What if she said that about a white boy? Would people be quick to bring race into the matter then?

When you commit a crime and then you run from the police, whether you’re armed or not, you just might get shot and it doesn’t matter what color you are. If you don’t want to risk getting shot, then don’t commit crimes and don’t run showing that you’re guilty of doing just that.

For whatever it’s worth, if the boy never gave the cops any reason to believe he was going to shoot them or harm them in any way, then the police were wrong to shoot him, black or not. I understand people’s frustration with corrupt cops. They’re everywhere. I’m as white as can be yet I’ve had my own civil rights violated, I’ve been tricked, I’ve been lied to, I’ve been bullied, I’ve been manipulated, and I’ve even been threatened by the police in my life, so I get people’s frustration and lack of trust in the police. They’re the last ones I would trust these days myself. Too many rogue cops out there who believe they’re above the law and invincible. Yet sadly, this is often true. The double standards are obvious. They can speed, they can lie, and basically do whatever the fuck they want. So don’t go thinking I’m any fan of the cops. I’m not a fan of anything but the truth. Did the boy deserve it? Probably not. But the fact is the cops abuse all kinds of people. It just happens that the media these days is preoccupied with focusing on blacks. Criminal or not, deserving or not, I just think it’s a shame that our jobs depend on what we do when we’re not working and that people’s words are so often twisted and made into what people want to hear. As long as the nurse wasn’t making any threats, she had a right to state her opinion. I hope she sues the shit out of Kaiser Permanente.

SUNDAY, APRIL 1, 2018 I put a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar in a 33.8-oz. bottle of sparkling black cherry water and it’s definitely a lot more drinkable than putting it in a 17-oz. bottle of flat water. So we’ll find out in June if it’s going to help my cholesterol or not.

So CampNano has begun and I’m off to a start of 1461 words.

No motorcycles woke me up but the heat sure did. In the winter months, we mostly close the bedroom vent and open the bathroom vent. In the warmer weather, we flip them the opposite way. I’m definitely going to have him climb up and adjust the vents before bed.

Tom said there were no loud vehicles, landscaping or projects today. I’m surprised, but we’ll see how lucky I get tomorrow.

We weighed the pros and cons of staying versus going and decided to stay a while longer because it’s the smarter, safer thing to do. There’s no saying how long it would take him to get a job no matter what state we moved to, and insurance is so hard to get in this country. We wouldn’t mind being uninsured if we didn’t need regular medication, and we wouldn’t mind being broke as long as it didn’t mean being homeless. When he’s retired and we’re on a fixed income I don’t expect to have much extra money and that’s okay as long as we at least have a roof over our heads and our kitchen is stocked.

Will we be able to afford doctors and medication? He will be able to but I don’t know about me until I’m 65. He said we could buy a plan. Let’s hope we can afford it, but if worse comes to absolute worse, we’ll move to a country with universal healthcare. Fortunately, though, my medication is common and therefore it’s not expensive.

Now, if they lay him off or lose their contract in a few months and he has to look for a job anyway, that would be different. He would probably be able to find a job easier in Florida because there are more older people there than here. I’m kind of surprised they haven’t laid him off yet since most jobs don’t last forever and the company has struggled at times, often laying off several people at once.

The only dream I remember was starting a job in the middle of a mall as a “sexless” sex worker. Yeah, I know it sounds crazy. But the idea wasn’t to get it on with the customers as opposed to simply spending time chatting with them.

I was talking to the younger woman training me and she said, “These guys are told all their lives that they’re worthless and can’t get anyone beautiful. But you look great, J-Lin.”

I smiled and thought how this was going to be an easy and interesting job with my worst problem possibly being sore feet at the end of the day as I stood behind the counter in the little booth set up in the center of the strip mall.

I then went to fetch my purse where my phone was so I could text Tom and tell him what a simple job it was and how I loved it, assuming anyone actually wanted to pay me to be their sounding board. But I couldn’t find my purse and began to panic as I glanced into the manager’s office which was empty, questioned some guy who didn’t know anything about it, and then remembered seeing the girl training me place it behind a TV on a cabinet or counter of some kind. I checked, and it was there.

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finclines · 1 year ago

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momentarily, finn decided to focus on something else, shifting his curls as he cupped behind his ear. “ sorry, can you repeat that first part ? i’m the what of your what ? ” he pried with a smile, because he’d never get tired of hearing that. but it was futile anyways to try and go a day with wyatt not gassing his head up in some way. even on days when they were mostly apart, finn at school and wyatt focusing on his upcoming shop, it still happened because finn would be scrolling on tiktok during his lunch break in between classes and get his own boyfriend on his for you page, like the app knew exactly who wyatt was gushing about. but he always liked seeing the tiktoks wyatt made about him, even though opening his comment section was a whole other thing: some were really sweet and made finn smile, and some asking for wyatt to make an onlyfans made finn scroll to a new video. “ why am i shocked ? ” finn repeated, laughing. “ wy, i feel like the literal president could slide into my dms through a burner account and you’d just be like yeah, that tracks, why are you freaking out. ” but finn felt like that’s what made them a good pairing: wyatt was so comically blunt and chill about things that sent finn scrambling for a pillow to scream into, one of his students hitting on him being the current example. but it kept life interesting. finn frowned slightly at wyatt’s disclaimer, green eyes flicking between his as he listened to the other boy speak. “ i did think about it, ” finn insisted softly, “ even though it was quick. ” never mind the fact that finn vehemently disagreed that this was his house, because it was most certainly wyatt’s since wyatt bought it, and he was just letting finn live there, but that was a conversation to be had with lil who’d get it, since she was with professional football-playing spencer, and not to be had with wyatt, so finn continued on elsewhere. “ wyatt, i—well, okay, one, i’ve never had a pet before but i’ve always wanted one, so i’m fine with getting a dog, truly. two, your therapist thinks it’d be good. she could tell me a python would be a great pet for you and i’d be down because i trust her and i know she knows what’s good for you. and three, i— " he licked his lips, lashes fluttering slightly. “ i’m, like. i’m gonna’ agree to anything you want, wyatt, because i’m just happy we’re here. it wasn’t that long ago where i thought you’d purposefully walked out of my life forever, and so to be here, in california and attending stanford and living with you when we used to have cry-arguments about that stuff, when i used to think i’d never get to do anything more than just sleep over at your place on the weekends, i just—i’m gonna’ agree to anything, ‘cause i’m grateful, you know ? i’m happy. …it’s like when you’re reading a fantasy book, and the main character has been trekking for like four chapters ? and they finally find some village or whatever and they get offered food and shelter and sleep and so they go crazy because they’re happy and not going to take that stuff for granted ? that’s me. so yes, ” he finally concluded, quietly picking at the skin on the side of one of his fingers, “ i’ve thought about it. ” and even if he hadn’t thought about it, if wyatt hadn’t brought it up and instead came home with a dog because he decided independently he should have one, finn would be okay with it for the exact same reasons. was he unhealthily submissive in that regard ? maybe. but finn didn’t care; he loved wyatt, he loved taking care of him, and he’d let him have and do anything he wanted ( within reason, of course ) if it meant he was happy. truly, finn would only be concerned about his unhealthy love if wyatt wasn’t just as equally unhealthily in love with him.

finn laughed, hard, as wyatt pressed his hand against his forehead—he was so dramatic. “ come on, it’s a logical next step for me to ask ! ” finn tried defending himself, even though yeah, it was definitely unexpected for him to bring up park all things considered. “ we went to the same college, you and i were just talking about said college… it flowed naturally, alright ? ”

@finclines wyatt stuck his tongue out, nose scrunched up in faux annoyance. "why should i be objective about the love of my life? don't snub me." now that he was, you know, allowed to be alive, he was shouting into the echo-chamber that was tiktok on some obsessive and overbearing boyfriend shit. his followers loved it, even though they begged for a finn face-reveal every single time he posted about him. and he was tempted every time because he really was the least objective person ever and wanted to brag about how pretty finn was, but he didn't want it to make it's way back to finn's dad somehow. it was probably for the best, anyway, because accidentally becoming a tiktok couple sounded like a nightmare and wyatt didn't think he'd do well with the serotonin rapid-firing at him via notifications. it was another addiction waiting to happen if he let it. "why are you shocked? people will do and say anything under the guise of anonymity, baby." he pointed at himself, a real-life example. "to be fair, while morally questionable i don't think it's illegal? you're just a t.a." assuming the student wasn't seventeen going on eighteen, of course. but finn didn't really know that, and he could feign plausible deniability or something. he blinked owlishly, caught off guard at finn's immediate acceptance of the idea. and he was thankful for sure, because it wasn't like he wanted to argue with finn. arguing always left him exhausted and itchy, and he could never truly feel good about it whether he won or not. but like... finn had just seemed questionable at best, and now all of a sudden he was agreeing and putting more thought into it than wyatt was. well, maybe not more, but he was thinking entirely differently about it. wyatt had been thinking more about how emotionally ready he would be for a dog - if he could genuinely care, make himself get up and hold himself accountable without making finn take care of not only him but another living thing. his laugh came out a little nervous. "hey, you know you're allowed to think about it, right? i know. i'm very charming and persuasive and needy so you want to give in immediately but this is your house, too. you can like, take more than five seconds." his smile was uneasy, feeling not for the first time that their power-dynamic was a little bit skewed. because look, he could mean it however he wanted but finn's feelings were valid and after the whole student loan thing and the house thing he was trying to be more mindful. "i don't want you to agree because i'm boo-hoo disabled or because it's what i want. i want you to want a dog." he clung to finn's shirt, head dropping back on a dramatic groan that was somewhere between bratty and exasperated. he was maybe trying to make light of the disabled thing, because complex ptsd is like that. but whatever. his point remained. "five? sure, sure." he agreed, solely because what did he know, honestly? his head tilted onto his shoulder curiously, eyebrows pulling together. and... huh? finn was going out of his way to ask about park? his confusion was apparent, using the back of his hand to feel finn's forehead. "are you running a fever? what'd you do to with my boyfriend? who are you?"

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citrus-seas · 2 years ago

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Personal Sagau Intro

IMPORTANT NOTE: Much of this can be subject to change!!! I don’t really have this whole thing entirely planned out, so this is not a guarantee of what the series will be. This is written as of 10/24/22, and I have not started the first chapter yet. This intro drabble will not be updated, but I will instead make a new one if the changes are major.

I really need a better title for this series. It’s just... so bland. Anyway, this fic is extremely self indulgent, and not quite an x reader, although the player/owner of the account will be referred to as “you.” The reader is entirely based on my experience in the game, as this is based on my account. I will be changing a FEW things to make it more interesting, and also because it would be boring for me to just write everything that I’ve done in game. There will be no romance in the series since I have no plans of the reader/player actually descending to Teyvat as of now. This series is also COMPLETELY SFW with the occasional gore/violence, which will be tagged and warned about accordingly.

Quick side note: This will probably be poetic interludes from the perspective of a specific character. I don’t know if this is exactly what I’ll be doing, but let me know if you’re interested!

About the world: In this SAGAU, the characters worship the Creator as usual, with the player/reader not knowing about it. The characters are also aware they are somehow “chosen” to be vessels, with a heavenly meteor shower of gold/purple flying above them when chosen. POV will switch between controlled characters (kind of???) and the player/reader. The reader is completely gender-ambiguous and uses they/them pronouns.

About the reader/creator/player: Just an average genshin enjoyer whose POV will not include major aspects from things not related to them playing genshin. They have no idea about the SAGAU concept, and sometimes simply talk to the characters for the fun of it (little do they know, their beloved characters can hear some of it). Their age is also ambiguous, but is from the age of 16-20.

About the characters: I will mostly be talking about the characters I have or understand the personality of well enough. Who these characters are? Here are some short drabbles about the main characters:

NOTE: Some of these constellations are purposely inaccurate to what I have, so please tell me if I get some of their buffs from constellations wrong, since I don’t have any experience using them (same applies to characters I have more constellations of, and included a higher constellation feature then the one I stated they are.)

Jean (C0): The first five star you get, coming home at early pity on someone else’s banner (you’ll find out who soon ;) ). She is decently built, mostly as a healer and sub DPS. She used to be a fine main DPS, before being fazed out and replaced, only to be used as a slight buffer/healer in the spiral abyss. She holds a slight grudge against her successor, but she shoves the insecurities down into the depths of her heart. She could never be made at you, her beloved creator! She understands her place and tries to excel at what she does and in her assigned role.

Zhongli (C0): The second five star, coming home at soft pity on his banner. He is very poorly built and is only used for his shield and burst. He is completely dedicated to serving his role in the party, and takes it as a personal challenge to do his best with his bare-bones equipment. He feels as though you don’t build him better because you feel as if he can succeed without the extra help. Very proud, and often bores his fellow party members with his lengthy anecdotes, constant talk of osmantus wine, and occasional boasting about Their Grace’s confidence in his abilities without divine assistance.

Diluc (C1): Very well built, with his many five-star artifacts and R5 archaic. He feels blessed about coming home on both the standard and limited time banner of another (you certainly don’t feel that way). Although he is somber that he is no longer in parties as much, he feels a sense of relief that you still occasionally use him, and haven’t recycled his artifacts. Usually a main or sub DPS. He cares deeply about his fellow party members (which he can sometimes feel resentment towards because they are used more), except when a certain Calvary Captain is used. To his dismay, his damage is much lower, but still feels the need to surpass his “brother.” Do you pair them on teams together as a punishment, or because you truly want them to reconnect?

Damn this is getting long, so I’ll post a part 2 and 3 with the other major characters listed. Thank you for the support, and I’ll see you in the next post!

#sagau #genshin sagau #sagau x reader #sagau cult au #diluc x reader #zhongli x reader #jean x reader #genshin impact fanfiction #genshin impact x reader

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ronearoundblindly · 2 years ago

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Autumn Is Healing (Oct 2nd)

Flufftober Day Two--Slow Dancing

drabble for steve rogers x super soldier!reader (see previous or series)

Warnings for vague references to past abuse from Hydra. WC 532

Steve doesn’t know what to do with his hands.

You run warm like he does, meaning you don’t dress in many layers, and as a Flower Child from the ‘70s, you prefer flowing skirts and semi-sheer tops. Sure, you have a bra or a camisole or something underneath, but Steve can still see the skin he’s about to lay his hand against. The delicate curve of your waist is taunting him.

He knows what it is for you to do this, for you to let him touch you. He can’t bungle it. Your sweet smile while he 100% bungles it is endearing though. He’ll never take for granted that you trust him.

His hand lands in its exact right place, and you’re so warm in his hold.

Steve tries to control his breathing so it doesn’t look like he’s gasping with anxiety. The last time he slow danced—the real, genuine, last time—was before the serum. His eye line was way off from where it sits now, but he’s still struggling.

Her eyes are up there, punk, he hears Bucky’s voice chide in his head and snaps to attention, swallowing hard.

“Is this one of your favorites,” you ask. "I like it."

Steve’s still miffed by your smile and gentility. His swaying is knocked off rhythm until he scuttles back into step, shaking his head as he realizes he should answer.

“Yeah,” he says a little too loudly, “but this version came out after I was in the ice.”

“Oh” is all you reply with.

He watches your face scrunch in thought, adoring the wrinkling across the bridge of your nose. He almost leans down to kiss it. Almost.

“Time is a funny thing,” you start, and again, Steve can hear Bucky grumble in his mind—time’s a fickle bitch is what it is—“I never thought much about it be—before Hydra.”

Steve’s never heard you say their name, always ‘the men,’ ‘the organization,’ or ‘my handlers.’ He grips your waist a little harder involuntarily.

“What did you want to do? What was your dream?”

“I think…”

It’s hard for you; he can see that. There are too many and too few memories to account for. Things that still don’t add up. Your mind and your body weren’t really yours for so long, how can you sort through the muck?

“I think I just wanted a place I belonged,” you conclude, looking at him but not seeing Steve. You’re somewhere very far away. “A place I could be useful. Maybe do some good.”

You belong here. You are useful. You do so, so much good.

Steve bites his cheek for a second, hoping the words come out less territorial than he means them, but he means them now with him. “Then I’d say you’re home.”

Instead of your smile widening, it dies on your lips, and he’s scared of what he’s done until you collapse forward to grip him around the chest, a bear hug, a bared-soul hug.

“Can we just…like this…for a bit?” Your voice is muffled by his chest, but the sound is still weak.

Steve doesn't answer with words. He envelopes you with his whole body. He’s not small as he was before. Neither are you, if you ever were before your serum. There’s no way of knowing since all they have is one picture from the side of five-year-old you, but everything before doesn’t matter now.

Before may have brought you both here; it doesn’t have to follow forever or weigh you down.

Even while you lean yourself against him, Steve’s light as a feather, ready for a dance that never has to end, ready to lead you with him to a much brighter future.

divider by @silkholland; challenge details @flufftober

[Day One; Day Three]

[Chronological Next Part]

[Main Masterlist; Light Masterlist; Ko-Fi]

#flufftober2022 #alt 1 #marvel #steve rogers x reader #autumn is healing #cap and autumn #fluff and romance #steve rogers fluff #fluff and feels #supersoldier!reader

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veyu002 · 3 years ago

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warnings: archon quest "perilous trail: interlude" spoilers I don’t post my writings often so can you tell how Bonanus has me in a chokehold bonanus x gn reader “You’re still as beautiful as the day I first saw you. . .“ ৻৲

Bonanus hums a birdsong she had heard this morning, watching as the orange tinted horizon slowly sets into the dark, pallid night. The stars would start making the sky bright, yet all your attention would be on her. Even though you knew Bonanus, as a yaksha, would never be able to live a carefree life, but, at the very least, everything about her struck you as perfect, and it didn’t matter if she said otherwise.

Bonanus chuckles, suddenly hanging her head with red tinted on her cheeks, her claws over her mouth.

“What is it?” You asked her.

“You’re staring. . .”

You take her claw into your hands, holding her dearly, “You can’t blame me, hm?” You said, laughing with a close eyed smile. And yet, instead of hearing Bonanus’ cheerful laughter, you hear her sigh as you feel her other claw cover both your hands.

Your eyes flutter open, being greeted with her smile as she looks at both your hands intertwined with her claws. You could tell something was on her mind. You tilted your head as your grip on her claw tightened ever so softly, a peaceful omen that she knew—she cherished.

Suddenly, Bonanus says, “I wish I could hold your hands as you hold mine.”

You look at her solemnly. Bonanus continues,

“The things I would give to feel your hands interlocked with mine. . . just once. . .”

“You’re still as beautiful as the day I first set my eyes on you.” You say as you hear her voice—as you hear her reasons. Bonanus smiles. She rests her head on your shoulder as she clings onto your hands ever so softly, afraid that if she holds it any tighter, you’ll break. You were so precious to her as she is to you.

Bonanus had told you that her claws were the thing that made her suffer her karma, as it was her weapon in battle. And yet, it still confuses her how you can hold them—how you can hold her—so lovingly.

You placed a kiss on the top of her head.

“I’d trade anything to grow old with you.” Bonanus says wistfully.

“As do I, dove.”

BONANUS LOVES HAND HOLDING AS CONTRADICTORY AS IT SOUNDS SCREW YOU bonus chapter author's note I UH UH don't follow if u're gonna mostly expect this lolol this is a dump account (if you follow, you will be seeing my random thoughts on your dash so beware probably) that's also my main account and i do (and will) post my writings here sometimes ok you can follow if u wanna see the bonus chapter and unfollow when i post it 👍

#genshin impact #原神 #genshin x reader #genshin bonanus #general chizapus #bonanus #yaksha #archon quest spoilers #perilous trail #bonanus x reader #bonanus x you #g g g g g g general chizapus 😍😍#genshin impact x you #minlin #genshin liyue #genshin lore #genshin impact x reader #genshin fluff #genshin spoilers

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itsallyscorner · 4 years ago

Note

Can you write a little mix member x avengers cast?? Maybe?

Hello love! Thank you for the request, I apologize for taking so long to work on it! I’ve written this as a headcanon, since I haven’t done any of those in a while. I hope you like it❤️

💌.

The Marvel Cast Finds Out You’re In Little Mix

Why is this lowkey a crack fic/headcanon😭💀

Alrighty so, I feel like they probably wouldn’t know you’re part of a band or who Little Mix is.

Since SADLY, the girls aren’t as big in the States as we’d like them to be:(

The people who definitely might know you are ✨The Brits✨ and Scarlett because she has a young daughter who probably listened to Wings or something—kids find everything on the internet these days.

Working with Marvel was your first acting gig; so none of them knew anything about you or if you’ve been in other films, etc.

Except for Tom Holland, who was lowkey fangirling at the fact he gets to work with one of the Little Mix members.

Side note: he’ll be deeply offended when he figures out the others don’t know about Little Mix or that you can sing.

The rest of the cast (RDJ, Chris Evans, Anthony Mackie, Seb, Lizzie, etc.) had a hunch that you were some kind of writer.

You were always humming to yourself and writing in your notebook or typing down notes in your phone when something came to mind.

Though they didn’t pry at your business because—well, it wasn’t their business.

They could find out about your other job through many ways. Maybe you guys are doing promo and some interviewers mention the band and things about a new album, to which most of them were confused about.

“So (Y/n), I know this is your first time acting. How different was it from performing on stage and acting on camera?”

Everyone’s attention would be on you (this is a panel btw) Mackie’s looking at the back of your head in confusion, Robert fully turns in his seat to look at you, Lizzie is also curious, Evans is looking between you and the reporter—everyone is just confused.

“Performing on stage? Did you do Broadway (y/n/n)?” Evans asked. Tom (Holland) scoffed shaking his head, disgusted to be part of this group of uncultured swines.

You chuckled and shook your head, “No, I’m a singer. I’m part of a girlband.”

The whole cast gasped in shock. Mackie let out a loud “WHAT?!”. Robert leaned even closer to you trying to see if you were lying. Others whispered amongst themselves asking each other if they knew.

Tom (Holland) just sat back watching everyone’s reactions along with you. Amused at the amount of questions that were suddenly being thrown your way.

He’d also be quick to add, “NOT just ANY girlband, but the biggest girlband on the planet.”

For clarification, Tom’s a very proud Mixer.

Scarlett finally recognized you, knowing that she’s seen you somewhere before, but could never put her finger onto it. “Wait you’re from Little Mix!”

“THANK YOU! FINALLY SOMEONE WITH SOME TASTE!” Tom yelled, dramatically turning to Scarlett.

After the initial shock, everyone was very curious. They wanted to hear your music, wanted to know the other members, when your next tour was—they were very ecstatic.

When you guys finally reached London for the press tour, there was a lot of hype for Little Mix because you guys were going to finally reunite after months of being apart.

The girls were allowed to visit set, but since you guys were working on your new album, they were stuck in London. You were relocated to Atlanta, filming an Avengers movie and working on the album via FaceTime/Zoom.

You and the girls reunite the same night you land in London! As tired as you were, the five of you hung out in your hotel room.

You were all excited for the days to come. Not only were you doing promo for the movie but you and the girls were going to be performing again on night time talk shows and were having a Live Lounge session with BBC Radio 1.

The panel of the cast discovering you were part of a band went viral. Many of the fans couldn’t believe they didn’t know about your other job.

There were even edits going around social media of the cast looking clueless and or reacting to your ‘secret’.

Then there were ones like “Tom Holland being a Mixer for 10 minutes and 57 seconds straight”.

Your favorite one was where they zoomed in on everyone’s confused expression while that one Nicki Minaj song played in the background.

It was mentioned in almost every interview after it went viral.

“So none of you had a clue that (y/n) was also a singer? Like at all?”

“I didn’t even know homegirl could sing, matter of fact I never imagined her to be in a girlband.” — Anthony Mackie

“I had a hunch that she was a musician or artist, but no one ever listens to me.” — Chris Evans

“(Y/n)’s in a girlband? Since when?” — Paul Rudd

“After we found out, I listened to all six of their albums on the flight here.” — Elizabeth Olsen

“Of course I knew, my music taste is immaculate compared to the others.” — Tom Holland

“Shut the fuck up, Tom.” — Anthony Mackie

“I really enjoy Black Magic, it reminds me of Wanda.” — Paul Bettany

The cast was so eager to hear you sing and watch you perform with the girls.

They finally got to do that when you invited them to the Live Lounge session. They also got to meet the girls.

You were very happy at that moment; seeing the two groups of people you love meeting each other and getting along meant a lot to you. It gave you a lil warm tingle in your heart.

Since there were no fans in the studio, it was only you and the girls, the band, and a bunch of the Avengers.

While the cameras rolled and you guys were performing, they were crowded together behind the scenes. Some of them were sitting on the carpeted floors or standing against the walls.

They were absolutely stunned when they heard you sing. You had a powerful voice that ranged from high to low, something they never expected of you.

When they heard you and the girls sing or harmonize with each other, it was like they were all in heaven.

“They sound like angels.”

“My ears are tingling, but like in a good way.”

“Seriously, how did we not know she can sing like this?”

“Hear me out—this is a perfect reason as to why we should have an Avengers musical.”

“Chris if we hear you bring up a damn musical one more time I swear.”

“Their voices go so well together, how do they even do that?”

Scarlett would secretly film videos to show her daughter. I have a feeling that Evans, Tom, RDJ, Sebby, and Mark would record some parts as well and would post it onto their Insta stories.

When fans found out they were at the Live Lounge they freaked out.

Ever since they found out you were in a band, they’ve been the biggest fans and supporters of the group.

They’re always promoting your albums on their social media accounts without you even asking.

Privately and publicly praising you guys for performances or achievements.

Your two main groups clashed and now everyone was friends. It was definitely the most weirdest collision— Little Mix and the cast of the Avengers. But it worked out perfectly.

Everyone got along with each other and the girls would always visit you on set.

They’re always playing the band’s song in the background on set.

Most of them won’t admit, but they definitely memorized the lyrics to almost every song.

*cough cough* Mackie and Hemsworth

I feel like Samuel L. Jackson would join in on the action too, one way or another. Somehow he got looped in.

ANOTHER THING OMG, they would definitely stand up for you and the girls whenever Piers Morgan or some asshole hates on you guys or pulls a jab on you all.

Best beileve Evans will be calling him out publicly on Twitter.

“Why are you so worried about a bunch of talented women who are doing their job and bringing happiness to others? They’ve done nothing to you, you’re always the one making jabs at them. Leave them alone you fucking British meatball.”

I feel like Robert helped you and the girls find a better management company after learning about the unfair treatment you all faced under Simon’s care.

In conclusion: The Marvel cast would be ecstatic to learn about you being a singer and they’d become your biggest fans. They truly adore you and the girls for your amazing talent :’)

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kkusuka · 4 years ago

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HQ Middle blocker kinks <3

@xxxxtanaxxxx request hq kinks but middle blocker version please 🥺

I'm gonna be honest i wasn't gonna do this buuut here it is

i have a setter one in the works and here is the ace version!

here is the setter version <3

Characters: Tsukishima Kei, Kuroo Tetsuro, Suna Rintaro, Satori Tendo, Taichi Kawanishi, Issei Matsukawa, Takanobu Aone,, Shoyo Hinata, Lev Haiba Shugo Meian (MSBY captain), and Yutaro Kindaichi

Mentioned female anatomy, but mostly gn

content warning: consensual non-con, humiliation, public sex, exhibitionism, voyeurisms, degradation, bondage, sex toys, cockwarming, edging, soft priamal/prey, mentions of house break-ins, pegging, size kink, overuse of the word Daddy, face fucking, hickeys

i think thats all?

buckle up, this is gonna be looooong.

Tsukishima Kei

Degradation

This is a given, my mans has a mouth on him, AND HE KNOWS HOW TO USE IT

He says the most vulgar things in your ears (and you love it)

His nickname for you is Cum-dump, and he calls you that so much that you’ve started to respond to it. “Hey, Cum-dump! Come here” “ok Tsukki”

And when he’s cumming? A slew of insults just come out

“You whore, oh, you fucking cum-slut, you’d let anyone do this to you won't you”

And it's not limited to this!

“You're just a hole”

“You only exist for me to fuck, Right? You're just a glorified fleshlight”

“You're only good for sucking my cock”

“I should just leave you chained to the wall so I can fuck you anytime I want, that's all you're good at so you should love it”

It won’t even be only during sex

You could literally be just studying with him and he’ll just lean over and say “ you want to be fucked right now don't you? In front of all these people, I bet you’d love it Cum-dump”

Humiliation

Goes with a dirty mouth

He’ll flip your skirt while walking in front of groups of other students

He purposely sucks hickeys where your uniform does not cover and then laughs at you because you're just such a slut.

One of his favorite things to do is have you wear a vibrator in school, only on days where you have to do something in front of the class

No worries he has the remote and turns it alllllll the way up during the middle of your presentation, you just look so cute all red!

He’ll make it better!!

You can cum in front of the class, let everyone know how much of a whore you are!

Purposeful neglect

He wants you so horny you can’t think

If that means not giving you attention for FIVE DAYS so be it.

No touching yourself and if he finds out you did he’ll ignore you for longer and you don’t want that do you?

You will wait for him to touch you.

He’ll also just ignore you.

No begging, he doesn't care, he doesn't want to hear it.

Don't touch him, stop being a brat or you won’t get off for a whole week.

Bondage

It's all about control <3

Having you tied up and immobile is the best way to show how little you are.

He’ll tie you up and put you on the couch with a vibrator and just watch movies, unable to rock your hips

This seems cruel but he’ll tie your hands up and make you eat dinner with just your mouth <3

He’ll make you watch tv with a ball gag in

He’ll have a riding crop in his hands when you study and he’ll hit your little clit/silt with it every time you get a question wrong

Kuroo Tetsuro

Pet names

Literally any kind o endearment, but mainly switches between Kitten and Baby Girl/Boy(i am swooning right now)

He WILL call you these in front of people and out loud in public

He’s called you them in front of your parents in front of Kenma in the middle of the grocery store.

So you're wondering, why does that matter? People do that all the time!

Well, he calls you them so you remember how he completely ruined your little body and how his cum is still dripping out of you <3

And its cannon that he has a sexy voice, and it drops and gets deeper when he calls you them.

Thigh highs

It doesn't matter in you have the biggest thighs ever or just a bone, if you wear any kind of thigh highs (bonus points for Cat ones) he will be ready to bust a nut

It's not only him that gets off on them, especially when he takes them off

He’ll climb over you and use his teeth to pull them down to your feet and he’ll kiss and bite his way back up to do the other one.

He also will sometimes leave them on to rail you into your bed, when this happens he puts your legs over your shoulders and squishes his head between them.

(kuroo loves thighs, and that's that)

Caregiver

He's taken care of Kenma all his life, and you bet your ass he’ll do it for you

This means he gives the best aftercare you could imagine, I’m talking bubble baths

He’ll cook for you in nothing but an apron, and he’ll tease you when you get all flushed and cute!

You had a bad day? He’ll eat you out for hours until you’re all cuddly and tired.

He’ll fuck you slow where you need it and he’ll kiss all the pain away <3

He just loves having you dependent on him makes him so happy and thankful to have you!

Threesomes

Mainly for Kenma, but he let bokuto have a turn and even convinced Tsikki to give it a try!

He really just wants to show off that you’re his what better way to show you off then let some of them get a taste of something they’d never have.

Favorite position for this? Split roasting/ Eiffel towering

He's the one who you're sucking on, and he’s so far down your throat making him suck you deeper and deeper until you’re drooling all over his balls like a good Kitten

Whoever he sharing you with would be in you following whatever Kuroo tells them to do

Rub your clit? Yes Sir.

Faster. Yup

Slowdown Kittens being bad so she doesn't get to get off <3

Suna Rinatro

Purposeful neglect

Just like Tsukki, he wants you hot and bothered all the time

He will just sit around and scroll on his phone while you’re whining :(

Just let him watch this video and he’ll get you off!

Will never tell you but you just look so cute, all needy and horny for him.

Sometimes he’ll slip you a libido pill and just watch the world burn.

He will wait until you have ruined whatever shorts you’re wearing (and he’ll take them) and THEN he will help his poor needy baby

Cockwarming

Almost every time he games, he puts you on his dick

you already know it’s happening when he takes the controller out

He says it's because he doesn't want to “leave you out”

No moving on him though, if you8 move it could distract him and you do not want him to lose, losing means being pounded into the floor until you can't think, then being ignored the rest of the day “horny sluts can sit on the floor until they need to be used”.

But if all goes well, he’ll go soft in between rounds and will suck on your neck and will let you cuddle into him during the rounds

But when Suna if feeling a bit more adventurous he will put his headset on you and fuck you with all of his friends listening

And if that's not bad enough they all clearly know what’s happening id Osamus soft coo’s and Gin’s little comments (but it's not like they want it to stop anyway)

Edging

Will literally just do this out of nowhere

You thought you were finally gonna cum, then nothing

HE WILL just do things for hours to see you cry and begging or him to just let you cum

He’ll stick four fingers in you and bring you to your climax and just leave you on the edge

He won't even have a reason, you were being good, you let him play his game and he does this?

Que pouty bby

Video/Photography

We all saw this coming-

But he takes it a step further than just having a photo collection of you

He has a personal private story with just you in it where he put videos of you riding him or sucking his dick fo you to “see how slutty you are”

that's not even it, he sends you a picture of you naked in the middle of work, with no shame either

Thus one time you were showing a coworker a shirt you had bought and he texted you and the picture showed up. It was awkward for the next few days.

But these don't even compare to how he has an entire Instagram account (private of course) of your nodes and videos of the two of you fucking.

One extra little thing is that you both watch porn together for ideas.

Satori Tendou

(i could make him a post of his own-so so many kinks for Satori)

Humiliation (mentions of pee)

This can range from calling you names to making you touch yourself in public

He’s called you a pillow princess in the middle of class, in front of your teacher

It had gotten so bad they Ushijima had to ask what a “cum-dumpster was” because Satori had called you that in front of the team.

He doesn't even introduce you as his S/O, hw=e would call you an escort or that you were just his personal fuck toy.

This kink goes so far that when you were on a double date with Semi, under the table Tendo had his hand literally in your pants.

**One of his favorite things is to make you hold your pee in until you are almost peeing yourself, isn't that embarrassing that you're a grown adult who’s about to wet yourself?

Overstimulation

He wants to see you a complete mess all over him

The main goal of all of this is to make you squirt or begin to have dry orgasms

He will not stop until he’s happy or you say your safe word (which is rare)

One orgasm just isn't enough for him :/

And it's a big boost of confidence for him!

he‘s proud to know he can make you cum so much you cant even think!

Dacryphilia

This AND overstim?

Good luck

He can't even explain why it turns him on so much.

You just look so beautiful with tears streaming down your face all fucked out

It always hits him at the worst times too, you crying over a bad grade? A pretty tear falling over your soft cheeks. Hard.

Just watched a sad movie, he’s ready to pound you into the couch.

Anal

Oh ho ho

This can be one of two things, he does it because it feels good

He does it as punishment

That means no lube

No adjusting to his dick

And no extra pleasure to help you get off

He’s so mean </3

Taichi Kawanishi

This man screams pornstar

Public sex

This man is unstable

You could just be walking in public and he just decides he wants to fuck.

Who are you to stop him?

Just let him get this out real quick you can shop later.

Exhibitionism

The thought of being in the open? This man loves it

And you don't really have a choice but to love it

Every time you go to the beach he just has his dick in you, in the ocean sitting in his lap while eating lunch

He doesn't even care who sees

Children? Who cares, look away or whatever

Getting caught

It doesn't even matter who it is

If someone walks in when you're doing it he’s cumming

It's just hot

He doesn't need to explain it to you

he also makes u take nudes and had them as his homescreen for a while

Issei Matsukawa

I’d let this man kill me-

Leather/ latex

LEATHER GLOVES

He wears them when he fingers you so he can make fun of how wet you made them.

He dresses you up in these pretty little pastel dresses (gender to heel, he doesn't care, you look hot weather your a boy, girl, or not) and he wears all black (goth daddy Mattsun) and his gloves to fuck you in his leather-covered fist.

That's not even it

He has an entire bin of different colored chokers and leashes just for his pretty baby

Along with that, he has a shelf of latex thigh highs for you to wear and even has an entire outfit for you to wear and show off to him.

Ddlg/b/n-Lifestyle

This is why he has a lot of things that you wear!

He loves to take care of you all the time!

He loves to make his baby food and love to watch movies with you

And you love him so much too!

You would do anything for Daddy!

And he takes you shopping and to restaurants, and if you want literally anything big or small all you have to do is look up at him with puppy dog eyes and a “Daddy, please!!” and boom his credit card is already out.

Size kink

Big dick Mattsun-

This all comes back to the fact that you are so beautiful

And big dick little hole, who doesn't love that??

He sure does, don't worry though he always makes sure to prep you

Except if it's punishment- he doesn't like it he swears! He’d never want to hurt you!

And you’d believe it until your crying on his cock and it throbs ://

But if it still hurts, and it does, he’ll let you go your pace and sink all the way down onto his cock<3

Fun fact the first time he went into your ass he tried to with no lube and you couldn't sit for DAYS

Voyeurism (receiving)

Makki Makki Makki

I would say he was into Cuckolding but its always him doing the watching while Issei fucks you

And Makki loves it too if his constant praises and coo’s said anything about it.

And Mattsun just gets off on the fact his best friend is watching something he’ll (maybe if you're not into it) never fully have

Mattsun also likes having you tied up an watching him fuck a fleshlight of just jerking off

You look so pathetic :)

extra for big dick mattsun, he Shows all of his friends <3

I am a whore for the Seijoh 4

You bet Makki has an entire folder of pic of you, whether they are of you dripping cum or just with your legs open.

Even if he says he doesn't save them, you know Iwa has gotten off you a recording of you moaning and asking for Daddy’s cock

And Oikawa is always asking for more (the little manwhore), he says they are “references” for him, liar, he jerks off to them in his bathroom.

Takanobu Aone

It's always the quiet ones-

I just gotta get these first two out-

Consensual non-con

I can just TELL he like to pretend to break into your house

Pretend you're so scared and you don't like it

Tying you up and listening to your little cries, awwwwweeee

You were just too pretty to ignore

Just let him have a taste, stop crying he knows you want it just as much as he does

Primal/prey

He wants to feel like he earned his reward

A perfect little trophy for him to use as a toy

His dick in your tiny dripping hole is all the reward he needs

It's like you're a pretty innocent bunny and he’s a big fox just waiting for the right time to strike :)

Soft sex/ praise

I know what I said up there

But none of that means he doesn't love just setting you down on the bed with candles and rose petals and just making love

Soft music in the background and worshipping every inch of your skin

You need to be vocal though!

Tell him how pretty he is when he cums, and how perfectly his dick fits in your hole!

Tell him how soft he looks and how he is making your nipples feel like heaven.

Aftercare- bc I am also soft for aone and he is a good guy

Bubble baths and chocolate

Movies and cuddling

All of this makes him so glad that he found you

Especially when you cuddle into him all sleepily and tired.

Shoyo Hinata

oh he is so pretty-

Mutual masturbation

It's the perfect way to experience pleasure

He can see you in all your glory

All of the faces he sometimes misses when he’s fucking you!

He also learns from it!

He sees the angle your fingers go to hit that sweet spot so the next time he’s in you he knows where to aim!

(he is so precious-)

Pegging

You wanted to try it so he almost immediately agreed-

But it felt good!

The two of you reserved what one you wanted so the one he picked was almost made for him.

Plus, you look ridiculously good with the strap on-

And he voices that as much as he can!

And sometimes when he rides the strap he just watches it going in and out and in and out

(you also think this is SUPER hot but won't tell him :/)

Riding

It doesn't matter if it's you or him

Watching you fall apart on his cock without him doing a thing makes him cum harder than anything

Sometimes he gets so excited that he comes before you and makes you stay there until he’s hard again, which doesn't take long at all.

when it's him?

he’ll go for hours just to hear you tell him how good he is and how pretty he looks

Lingerie

Especially pastel babydolls

But nothing you wear could ever make you look bad in his eyes

Ok he likes it when you keep the lingerie on too like he’s fucking you and you till have a little nightgown/crop top on

Lord he will BUUUUUUSSSTTT

Lev Haiba

Size kink

Unintentionally too

He didn't even know it, but he did know that he liked that you were so much smaller than him.

He likes to put your hand to him and just look at the difference and before he knew it he was painfully hard

On the occasion, he makes fun of you saying his dick is just too big for you and you can't handle it, but then you get on your knees and he shuts up real quick

Praise kink

A given

He wants to know how good he makes you feel at all times

It doesn't have to be words either!

loud moans explanations of pleasure all drive him to move faster and faster!

Even yelling “oh god!” gets him off

He makes you feel that good huh?

Wall sex

Just playing on the size kink thing

He loves to just pick you up and fuck with reckless abandon

Gets a way better angle too- bet you didn't think he would realize that

He also likes to watch the combination of your juices drip to the floor-

Shugo Meian (MSBY captain)

Sexiest team-

Daddy/ Captain kink

Just look at him, he screams Daddy louder than you do when he’s fucking you

He takes pride in being Captain meaning he’ll fuck you for hour if the word even falls from your lips

And yes you have said it (daddy) front of the team and he did get hard, and the both of you did fuck in the locker room of the gym for an hour before you got kicked out

Even in arguments you better call him daddy, he will stop and fuck you into the ground for it

Angry or not you WILL use his title

Spanking

Will threaten you with this almost everyday

He just uses it as an excuse to touch your ass

He makes you count after each one and makes you thank him

It would look a bit like this

“Five! Thank you Daddy!” “Good Baby, five more”

But that doesn’t mean when you really deserve it that he won't unleash the wrath of god onto your poor ass

But after he’ll kiss it all better and Daddy will reward you for taking your punishment well

Controlled orgasms

By this i mean that you wont cum unless he says so

And you have to ask

Aka “Daddy please let me cum, I really want to”

And depending on what he’s feeling maybe you’ll get to cum then

And if not you’ll have to wait like a good Girl/Boy and cum when he does, which could late literally forever.

but its better than disobeying his orders, which could lead to him completely pulling out and just jerking off to cum on you :((

Deepthroating/ Face Fucking

Nothing is better to him than coming home to you on your knees and mouth open and ready

But when he’s all pent up from practice and he sees you?

Rip your throat, you aren't talking for a few days

He’ll literally fuck your face no question

He’ll put his dick so far down your throat you could feel it in your stomach

Yutaro Kindaichi

Hate sex

He just makes everyone angry

And he gets off on it

You look so fucking delectable all red faced and angry

Makes him want to just slam into right then and there

Dom/Sub

Clearly he wants to be in control

Controlling someone is just such a turn-on for him

Looking all pretty doing exactly what he wanted you too <3

Hickeys

Wants to show off that you are his

What better way than marking up your neck with pretty bruises

Plus he likes how you get all shy when people look at them

2K notes · View notes

sevlgi · 4 years ago

Text

hit and run

requested: no

group: blackpink

pairing: rosé x fem!reader

genre: a shit ton of angst, some fluff

contents: idol!rosé, actress!y/n, closeted!rosé, costar!au, slight enemies-to-lovers, unhappy endings because i’m a bitch, a lot of attempted cinematic parallels, italicized dialogue is when they’re speaking as their characters

warnings: slight homophobia

synopsis: There’s absolutely no reason for you to get involved with a costar who you should hate by all accounts. But of course, you manage to forget that love is usually more like a hit-and-run than a cruise ship.

a/n: while i was writing this, i imagined this as what happened before rosie sang “gone”, so maybe you can think of it like that too? i’m honestly so terrified of this flopping lmao...

for a little background on the film: Y/N plays Luna, a pirate captain who unknowingly sacrificed her family in order to have the power to fight the regime that Rosé’s character Helen is a part of. Helen approaches Luna, determined to help her bring justice, but Helen is unable to choose between the benefits of staying with the regime, and following what she knows is right and destroying her life as a result.

word count: 6.8k

The last thing you want to hear on the morning of your first script reading is that the actress playing your love interest in the film has changed.

“What?” you say loudly, straightening in the backseat. Your manager frowns, and you sit obediently, but the scowl doesn’t leave your face. “What do you mean the actress changed?”

“Yeah. She had to leave the movie at the last minute,” he sighs.

Sooyoung was chosen alongside you, after lengthy interviews testing whether the two of you would be able to handle your characters’ dynamic. It took weeks for the director to decide that you were the pair that she wanted, so the news that you’ll be meeting your costar for the first time in front of paparazzi is quite the shock to your system. “Shit. Then who’s the replacement?”

Your manager presses his lips together firmly before answering, “Park Chaeyoung. She’s an idol.”

You groan and slump down again. “Great. Another idol actress? Please don’t tell me that this is her first role too. Oh god, is she straight?”

“Yes to all of the above,” Chan says tensely.

Maybe you’re being dramatic, but it’s honestly a big deal. It’s the first leading role you’ve bagged, especially in a mainstream LGBTQ+ movie, and Sooyoung was the best costar you could’ve picked. You’ve never met Park Chaeyoung before, and you already know that all your plans are going to be messed up.

Chan pulls the car into the parking lot, and you scowl when you realize that most of the paparazzi have arrived. “We’re going around the back. Y/N, promise me one thing: don’t make a scene, okay?” your manager pleads. “I’m not happy about it either, but Chaeyoung has a good reputation. You’ll just ruin yours if you blow up at her.”

“I promise,” you answer through gritted teeth. You slip through the open side door as soon as you get out of the car, ignoring Chan’s call after you to have a good time like you would’ve.

To make matters worse, you don’t even get a chance to talk to the director or Chaeyoung before you’re swarmed by a crowd of reporters, even if that ‘talk’ would’ve consisted of more yelling than anything. “Y/N, Y/N!”

“Okay, let her up!” Seulgi shouts, pushing her way through. She grips your arm to lead you towards the cast table, whispering under her breath, “I’ll explain later. But just run with it, okay?”

You have plenty of problems with idol actresses, but you’ve never been inclined to say all those problems to their faces. Until now, that is. Now, you’re sitting shoulder-to-shoulder with a girl you know has absolutely no credentials to be playing the other role in your upcoming movie, resisting the urge to ball your script up and throw it in her face.

There’s nothing wrong with Park Chaeyoung as a person-- she’s admittedly gorgeous, probably sweet, and you’re sure she isn’t a bad actress in any sense. The only thing wrong with the situation is that she’s painfully straight and auditioning to be your love interest in what might be Korea’s first mainstream lesbian film, and that you have never spoken to her before.

Chaeyoung avoids your stare with a clenched jaw, and in normal circumstances, you would already be apologizing profusely for making her uncomfortable. In this circumstance, though, your obvious grudge against her only contributes to the dynamic her character is supposed to have with yours.

“Miss Kang, is it true that the actors were only picked today?”

The director grimaces, and the both of you turn to look at the cameras flashing by the sides of the room. It was never the plan to allow paparazzi to sit in on the first reading that you and Chaeyoung would be doing together, especially since it’s true that Chaeyoung was only chosen hours ago, after the original actress bailed. Even though your grudge should be against the girl who left, it’s easier to glare at the one sitting next to you. “Not exactly. Y/N has been confirmed for the role of Luna for months, but we recently added Chaeyoung as Helen. But we can assure that their chemistry will be wonderful,” Seulgi reassures the audience. What a lie.

Yet another reporter calls out, “How much of the script will we be seeing today, and when will the trailer be released?”

“Since the casting was changed today, the trailer has been delayed,” Seulgi says. You can hear the panic in her voice, and clear your throat. “As for the script… we’re only doing part of one scene that will show up in the trailer today, so we’ll just let them begin. Y/N?”

As you take a sip of water to prepare yourself, you almost hope that Chaeyoung messes up her part. It would be bad press, sure, and it would only contribute to Seulgi’s stress, but it would be satisfying for her to realize that she doesn’t deserve her part. She’s just an idol, after all, and she’s taking away representation from the people who need it.

“Are you saying you’re better than me?” you begin, your voice ice-cold.

You watch Chaeyoung’s throat bob, but her voice is steady and clear when she says her line. “No! I’m not saying that I’m better than you… but by all accounts, there’s no way you should have this power.”

“Would you be less scared then?” You pause, watch as Chaeyoung’s expression changes to the panic that her character’s would. “I’m kidding, Helen. I did things to get these powers, things that I’m not proud of.”

“Why would you do that? You’re strong… you don’t need them.”

“I’ve never been-- shit.” The tips of your ears start to burn, and suddenly, your lines are swimming before your eyes. Maybe all your hoping and wishing that Chaeyoung messes up has reflected onto you instead.

She attempts to remind you, “I haven’t always--”

“I know,” you hiss, but your voice is too loud in the silent room. Chaeyoung turns bright pink, too, but you still can’t seem to say your lines out loud. Shit, shit, shit--

“I’m just trying to help,” she sighs.

You whip your head to glare at her, and she winces at the daggers you send in her direction. “Shut the hell up--”

“Okay, the script reading will end here,” Seulgi announces loudly, and you bite down hard on your tongue. You don’t dare to look at the other cast members, don’t dare to think about how they must be guilting you for cutting their PR short. “Thank you everyone, please leave with security.”

You stay in your seat, staring at your script with burning eyes until you feel a hand on your shoulder and jolt. “Hey,” Chaeyoung reminds you, “we can leave.”

“Don’t touch me” is your only answer, and you storm out of the room. Alone.

The next time you see Chaeyoung is the next day, at a script-reading that the paparazzi knows nothing about. (You do see a friend request from a Park Chaeyoung the night before, but you ignore it.)

Seulgi attempts a smile, but it doesn’t hide the bags under her eyes. She claps and raises her voice to get the cast’s attention. “Okay, everyone. We didn’t get what we wanted yesterday, but that’s fine. Um… let’s try yesterday’s scene from Chaeyoung’s part, okay? From ‘you don’t need them’.”

Chaeyoung nods. “You’re strong… you don’t need them,” she starts, worry tinging into her voice.

“I haven’t always been strong,” you reply, your voice harsher than it should be just to stop yourself from messing up again.

“Still. Powers aren’t everything, Luna, it’s too hard to have them.”

You sigh. “Newsflash, princess. It’s harder not to.”

“But--” Chaeyoung interjects.

“Did you ever think,” you cut her off, “that I didn’t care that it’d be hard? Did you ever think that the rest of us are tired of you abusing the thing that you’re given, but we have to fight for?”

You look right to Seulgi once you finish, ignoring the part underneath that says you should look to Chaeyoung at the end of the scene. The director smiles anyway. “That was great, you two. I think you capture the tension perfectly, which is a relief.”

You fight the urge to laugh. “I know that changing our main cast so close to the actual production is really difficult,” Seulgi sighs. “And I’m really sorry to inconvenience you all. The schedule is really squished now, and we just have to work through it. Chaeyoung, Y/N, all I ask is that you try to work together, okay? I know you’ll be amazing together.”

Chaeyoung speaks, possibly for the first time besides her lines. “Of course, Ms. Bae. I’ll do my best.”

“I’m sure. We have to cut this short, again, but we’re scheduled for costume fitting right now,” Seulgi groans. “We have to at least get the outfits for the trailer to fit. Sorry, everyone. Down the hall, okay?”

Of course, you and Chaeyoung have to get fit together. The only sound in the hallway is that of her heels clicking on the wood, and you resist the urge to shout at her to stop. Luckily, you arrive in the fitting room before you can.

Your eyes widen at the dress hanging there. It’s incredible, even without the layers that would support the skirt-- you can’t even imagine how the beading and pink silk would look on Chaeyoung. Ethereal, probably. “Y/N, yours is here,” the costume director laughs, beckoning you over.

Even though your own outfit isn’t nearly as opulent, you can’t help but admire the gold detailing on the cuffs and the tailoring. “Thank god yours doesn’t take so much sewing,” the director grunts, pinning the side. “You know, the two of you are going to look fantastic in these, even if we have to spill all that blood on them to shoot the trailer.”

“Sooyoung would’ve looked better.” It’s mean, and it’s a low blow, but the director doesn’t take your bait.

She pokes her head out to where Chaeyoung’s being fitted. “Now? Okay, Y/N, go out there. We need to take a look at the two of you together.”

You can’t stop your jaw from dropping when you see Chaeyoung. She’s all candyfloss hair and gold adorning her tiny waist, and in all her glory, you can’t stop yourself from thinking that maybe she was made for the role. “You look really good,” she compliments softly.

Nodding stiffly, you turn for the seamstresses. Chaeyoung moves to fiddle with her gloves when she realizes that you have absolutely no interest in continuing the conversation.

Well, if there’s one thing you can nitpick about her, it isn’t how she looks; she looks absolutely perfect for the role of Princess Helen, maybe even more perfect than Sooyoung.

One of the costume directors steps in. “Okay, you can get changed out, but you have to come back in a few hours,” she tells you. “We have to make a lot of changes, then fit you again.”

You step down from the podium, going towards your dressing room without a second thought until Chaeyoung calls for you. “Y/N? Do you want to have lunch later? In your trailer or something?”

“Sure,” you answer, barely glancing back. When you do, all you see is her with shiny puppy eyes, and in her giant gown, it’s eerily similar to the role she’s supposed to be playing.

“It’s nice. You’ve decorated it?”

You nod absentmindedly, clearing the narrow couch off for yourself to sit on, since Chaeyoung has taken the only chair that could fit in the trailer. “Yeah. I mean, I’ve had it for a few months, so.”

She winces. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” you frown. Chaeyoung apologizes too much, but at least she’s upfront about whatever she has to say.

Your costar sighs, “For usurping the role? You must’ve gotten attached to Sooyoung, and it’s got to be horrible for me to just… arrive like this.”

“You know… that’s part of it.” You can’t lie; a big part of the resentment you hold against Chaeyoung is the fact that she took a role meant for someone else, someone you were friends with. “The other thing… I don’t like idol actresses,” you tell her.

Chaeyoung’s brows furrow, and she leans forward. “Why? I mean, why don’t you?”

You pause to think about it. “Well… I mean, think about it like this. Sooyoung and my auditions went for weeks before we were chosen, as a pair. Didn’t you get this role because you were an idol? You had to audition, sure, but I bet you just flashed a few smiles and read the script and got chosen. How is that fair?”

She opens her mouth to speak, but you hold your hand up and continue, “And the other thing. You’re straight.”

Chaeyoung chokes on air at that, spluttering, “What? You hate me because I’m straight?”

“No,” you say incredulously, “Well, I don’t hate you. But you being straight, and landing the lead role in a film like this… you’re taking away representation. And that’s kind of shitty of you.”

The air inside the trailer becomes suffocating, and Chaeyoung’s fiddling with the jacket in her lap finally stops when she throws it aside and stands up. She sounds like she’s about to cry when she says quietly, “Have you ever considered that I’m not straight? It’s not… it’s not that easy to be out about it--”

“Oh, cry me a river,” you groan. “Look, I apologize for assuming, but if you want to act in lesbian roles, you can’t pretend to be straight. It’s all for your fans, isn’t it? Another part of being an idol--”

She stands up, then storms right out of the trailer without another word, the door banging closed. The only thing you can do in response is sigh and utter a quiet, “Shit”.

Perhaps it’s just your luck that the first proper scene you have to film with Chaeyoung is your culminating kiss scene.

It shouldn’t be in the trailer at all-- according to the scene schedule, the two of you would’ve filmed your scenes together in chronological order, and the kiss would’ve been at the end, hopefully after a reconciliation between the two of you. However, for some inexplicable reason, it’s going to be the first one you do, without a single second of rehearsal.

You’re a one-take wonder, and you always have been, but you can’t help but think about how impossible it’s going to be to pull off such an intense scene with someone you just fought with. Sighing, you lean over to fiddle with your hair; it’s slightly tangled now, and there’s a fake scrape on the side of your cheek.

At a side, Chaeyoung is similarly beat up, fake blood smeared on the left side of her face. Her long hair has been put in an updo and then taken down, and parts of her dress are ripped; to you, she looks more like Helen than herself now.

“Okay, everyone, are we ready? Positions, please!”

You arrange yourself on the ground where you should be, holding a handkerchief to your cheek like instructed as Chaeyoung stands by the camera to run to you. Exhaling sharply, your eyes meet hers for the first time in days. “Action!”

Chaeyoung sprints to you as soon as she’s cued, falling in front of you in a heap. “Luna,” she gasps, reaching a gloved hand out to the ‘injured’ half of your face.

“I’m fine,” you smile weakly. The camera hovers by Chaeyoung’s shoulder, and you soften your gaze as much as possible as your hand comes up to hers.

The other girl only moves closer, her eyes scanning yours and her dress surrounding the both of you like a sea of gauze. Her nose is almost brushing up against yours, and you mutter softly, “Be careful. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want.”

“Well, what do you want?” Chaeyoung implores, almost inaudible. Her breath quivers, and you feel it when you reach forward to cup her jaw. “Luna, what do you want right now?”

“I’m not making a move until you tell me to,” you shake your head.

The blonde’s hands slip off your face, and she braces herself on your thighs instead. She laughs breathily, “Coward.”

“Your coward, huh?”

Chaeyoung pauses, scraping her teeth across her bottom lip. It’s so quiet that you think you could hear a pin drop, and the torches held up by the crew flicker across her face so naturally. “If you want to be.”

There’s probably another line that comes after, but with Chaeyoung so close to you, it swims blurrily in your mind. So instead, you just lean up, pull her down, and connect your lips.

She plays along, thankfully, stumbling slightly in her character’s eagerness to get a little closer. The only thing you can hear is Chaeyoung’s slight gasp when you let your hands wander down to her waist, and it’s almost scary how absorbed you are in the scene.

“Okay, cut!” Seulgi’s shout breaks you from your trance, and you hold your hands up as if in surrounder. Chaeyoung’s cheeks are red yet again when she sits up, staring anywhere other than you.

Your director hops off her chair to run towards you, a huge grin on her face. “That was perfect,” she shouts. “Y/N, I think you forgot a line? But it worked out amazingly. The one-take wonder, right?”

You grin when she pats you on the shoulder, a little harder than necessary. Apparently, all your worries were for nothing, as you and Chaeyoung stand to monitor your own shot in the screen next to Joohyun.

You can’t even hear all the praise she showers on the two of you, and you pay no attention to all the details she points out that apparently showcase your perfect chemistry with your costar. All you feel is a slight squeeze on your hand, hidden in the mess of fabric by your side.

You jolt awake at the sound of your phone ringing loudly by your side, finding an unknown number as the caller ID. Accepting hesitantly, you greet, “Hello?”

“Y/N? Did Chan give me the right number?”

Oh. It’s Chaeyoung. “Yeah.” You clear your throat in an attempt to sound a little less drowsy, then repeat, “Right number. Why’d you ask Chan?”

“Well, it’s kinda hard to find you when you never accepted my request,” she laughs quietly. “Um, I have to record the OST today, and I was wondering whether you’d want to come watch? Chan said you didn’t really have any scenes later today.”

“Um. Okay. I’ll ask Chan to bring me,” you answer, then hang up. Your head swims slightly, partially due to the fact that you woke up to the piercing sound of your ringtone and partially because you just don’t understand why Chaeyoung’s reaching out again. You should be the one apologizing, after the tangent you went off on, and you highly doubt that your kiss scene doubled as an apology. Of course, you’ll take it.

Your manager is more than pleased to pick you up this time, but thankfully, he doesn’t question you. If he did, he’d probably be the one you shouted at.

The studio is honestly too small for two people, probably hastily set up, but you recognize the recording equipment from a video of Chaeyoung recording one of her group’s songs. And you recognize the girl already standing in the recording booth, waving you over. “Hi,” she smiles, and for all you try, you don’t see a hint of malice.

“Hey,” you mumble, taking a seat. “Uh… I’m sorry.”

“Wow, straightforward,” she tries to joke. “What for?”

You scratch the back of your neck, sighing, “For assuming, for blowing up on you, for… I don’t know, kind of everything. I’m an asshole, even if what I said wasn’t wrong.”

Chaeyoung chuckles, fiddling with the mic. “I mean, I appreciate the apology, but I wasn’t great either. You definitely had some truth behind what you said, even if it was kind of too to the point.”

“I know. You were just trying to apologize and help us become civil, and I kind of ruined it,” you hum. The other girl adjusts the lyric stand as you continue, “But I’m hoping you understand why I had to say what I did?”

“I do,” she agrees. “You’re definitely right that it’s not good representation at all, I just wish you had heard me out.”

You nod uncomfortably, changing the way you sit on the couch just to distract yourself. “So… you’re gay? I’m just asking because I don’t think I’ve ever heard you talk about it, and I’ve seen plenty of your interviews.”

“So you watch my interviews?” Chaeyoung teases. When you scowl, she just smiles, “I can’t say specifically, but I am confused. You said last time that it’s just another part of being an idol, and you’re… you’re right. It’s taboo for idols to be gay, even though Korea’s opening up to it a bit more now. So even though I want to, I don’t think I can ever be out about it.”

“I understand. And I’m sorry,” you say quietly.

She swallows, throat bobbing. “Thank you. Hey, Y/N… would you mind singing with me?”

“What?” You stare up at her incredulously; it’s not like your singing would make the other girl faint on the spot, but you definitely don’t possess an angelic voice like hers, either.

But maybe it’s an olive branch. “Just… can you match this note?” She hums, and you attempt to create the same pitch. “Okay. Can you do the chorus part in that key, while I do it in the main one? We’ll sound better like that,” Chaeyoung offers.

Against your better judgement, you stand, and shuffle into the recording booth next to her. “If this sounds bad, you’re taking the blame,” you warn, and she giggles while twisting the stand so you can see.

You do sound good together, maybe to a level that you would’ve never anticipated.

You know that something’s off when Chan doesn’t wake you up bright and early on your birthday, even if Seulgi already promised that you wouldn’t have to go to work on the day of. After spending many a birthday with him, you’ve already gotten used to him tugging you up just to take you outside and celebrate somehow.

You know something’s especially off when you hear a female voice cursing from your kitchen, and smell something burning.

“Who the shit-- Chaeyoung?”

The girl turns in surprise, caught red-handed with a piece of burnt toast pinched between her fingers. “Um. Hi?” she offers weakly.

Suddenly self-conscious, you cross your arms over the faded sweatshirt you wear. In your own apartment, Chaeyoung is leagues more put-together in the summery dress she wears, her dyed hair tossed in a braid and glitter shining at the corners of her eyes. “Hello?”

“Chan said you wouldn’t be awake for a few hours,” she sighs, shaking her head as she tosses the toast in the trash. “And I wasn’t supposed to burn the toast.”

“What were you supposed to do?” you question, stepping closer. There’s a cake box on the counter, as well as a couple suspicious tubes of icing right by it, and you think you know what’s going on.

Chaeyoung huffs out an exasperated breath. “I was supposed to surprise you. Chan has something going on at home, so he sent me to supervise your birthday instead. Obviously, I messed that up.”

“It’s fine,” you shrug, taking a seat at the counter and reaching for the icing. “I’ve always wanted to decorate a cake anyway.”

She looks surprised at that, but a smile breaks out across her face. “Really?”

“Really,” you confirm. It’s partially a lie, but you’re decently sure that Chaeyoung will refuse to let you do most of the work anyways. “Uh. I’ll just change first, and then we can get that going?”

“Yeah,” she grins, and you take it as your cue to scurry off to the bedroom.

By the time you come back, there’s a plate of not-burnt toast on your counter, and Chaeyoung’s pouring out two glasses of the juice that you can never bring yourself to buy because of the price tag. “I hope you like it, this is one of my favorites.”

“Like it? I love this,” you gasp, surging forward to pick up one of the glasses. “It’s expensive as hell, though.”

“Well, I couldn’t get you a gift, so I thought a nice morning would suffice,” Chaeyoung laughs. She unties the bow on the cake box to reveal a completely bare vanilla cake, a few packets of sprinkles that you hadn’t noticed now lying next to it. “Do you want to start?”

“Oh, sure.” You choose the blue icing after a bit of debating, and pick up the spatula that your costar offers you. “You didn’t have to, though, I would’ve been okay on my own today.”

Chaeyoung shrugs, “I mean, I didn’t have anything else to do, and I wouldn’t like to be alone on my birthday.”

“How do you usually celebrate?” you question, glancing up at her.

She pauses to think, then answers, “Well, I do live with my members, so we’ll get something to eat. Sometimes, we’re on vacation, so we just do what we can, but I like staying in the dorm to receive the things that their families send me.”

“It sounds sweet.”

“It is,” she grins. “I honestly don’t know what I would do on my own, it seems lonely-- Oh. I’m sorry.”

“What for? It is kind of lonely,” you admit, squeezing a glob of icing out. It’s definitely not as graceful as you would’ve appreciated, and you catch Chaeyoung stifling a laugh. “Chan lived with me at the beginning, but he eventually moved out when I got a girlfriend. Obviously, that didn’t laugh.”

“Sorry,” the other girl repeats again, and you wave a hand out. “When was that?”

“She moved out two years ago,” you answer. “And I’ve been alone since. Or, lonely, not always alone.”

Chaeyoung nods just so that you know she heard you. She accepts the icing tube when you hand it to her, making a spiral that’s infuriatingly better than yours. “How about you? I know you said you aren’t out, but have you dated yet?” you question.

She shakes her head, admitting, “Not yet. I don’t really know how to, you know? You assumed I was straight when you first saw me, so I think everyone else does too.”

“Sorry,” you say, an echo of her.

Your costar doesn’t respond, only setting the spatula down once the basic blue icing is smooth. “I think we’re supposed to refrigerate this before decorating, right?”

You grimace. “Well, I don’t know. I stopped watching cake videos years ago, so I’ll just listen to you.”

Chaeyoung hums and ties the box back up. “Okay, then I’ll just do it. Um, do you mind ordering chicken or something while we wait?”

“Sure.” Reaching for your phone, you ask, “Would you be opposed to romcoms?”

“I’m never opposed to romcoms,” the other girl answers.

You have to remind yourself to order two servings of chicken, something that you haven’t done in a while. But it’s comforting, in a way, to not be alone again.

“Can you believe we’ve only got a week left of filming? I feel like I haven’t seen you at all.”

You wince guiltily, even though you know that Yerim doesn’t mean it. Acting with your friend was originally a huge incentive for you to accept the film’s role, but the two of you quickly discovered that you had almost no scenes together, and with your push-and-pull with Chaeyoung, you forgot all about it. “Sorry, Yerim.”

She makes an incredulous expression, swatting your arm. “Don’t be ridiculous, Y/N. I’m happy you’re pursuing love and all that, and besides, we’ll have plenty of opportunities to act together.”

Blinking, you set your cup down on the counter. “Pursuing love?”

Yerim raises her eyebrow and says, “Yeah. Aren’t you and Chaeyoung together yet? We’ve been filming for two months, I’ll be shocked if you still haven't kissed and made up.”

“Uh. Well, we’ve kissed, but I don’t think it counted,” you frown.

Your friend sighs and rolls her eyes. She’s all too used to how dense you are, and apparently, she’s finally gotten tired of it. “You’re an idiot. You literally met the morning of your first script reading, and you knew each other for… what, a week before you had your kiss scene? There’s got to be something there.”

“No.”

Right on cue, a few of the other cast members arrive, Chaeyoung sandwiched between them. “Have you seen the articles?” Nayeon grins, waving her phone around in the air. She’s drunk, obviously, but you have to indulge her.

“Which articles?”

She shoves the screen in your face as an answer, and you cringe when you find a screencap of you and Chaeyoung. “You won’t believe the chemistry-- nope, I’m not reading that.” You hand the phone back to Nayeon, then press it in her hand when she doesn’t take it. Yerim sends you a knowing expression, one that you definitely don’t like.

“Aw, come on! It’s good press,” Nayeon whines. “And a great kiss scene.”

“Don’t be weird,” Chaeyoung warns. She doesn’t seem to be drunk at all, though she does look fantastic in the silver dress that she wears. Your eyes linger on her for an embarrassing amount of time.

Nayeon pouts. She’s bubbly-- you’ve learned that much through acting alongside her in a total of three productions so far. You note that your costar doesn’t seem to be so accustomed to her temperament yet. “You’re no fun, Chaeng. We all know you enjoyed it.”

She goes bright pink at that amidst Yerim’s joking coos. “The token straight, converted?” your friend gasps, and you elbow her to stop her from going too far.

Apparently, it already has. “I didn’t!” Chaeyoung defends herself.

“Prove it,” Nayeon demands, slipping when she attempts to lean on the counter next to you.

Chaeyoung goes silent at that, apparently unable to find a way to ‘prove it’. You finally sigh, “Okay, I think that’s enough teas--”

If it wasn’t for the fact that you’ve long since memorized your entire script book, you would almost think that Chaeyoung reaching forward to tug on the front of your shirt is a scene between your two characters. After all, it’s perfectly in character for your eyes to widen comically as the other girl kisses you right on the lips.

It’s also in character for Nayeon to start whooping next to you when your hands wrap around Chaeyoung’s waist to pull her in closer. You part at the noise. “You certainly look like you liked it,” Nayeon grins.

“Yeah, get a room,” Yerim follows, and you shove her.

“You know what? Maybe we will.” Ignoring your friends’ jeering, you grab Chaeyoung’s wrist and lead her down the hallway, though not to a bedroom like you joked you would. “Hey. You okay? I didn’t know if that teasing crossed a line,” you whisper worriedly.

She bites down on her lip, but instead of answering you, Chaeyoung tilts your face up and leans closer, only stopped by your hand on her wrist. “Chae…”

“I’m sorry, this… this isn’t what you want, is it?” She steps back, mouth already opening to apologize, but you stop her from leaving you alone in the hallway.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” With the flashing neon lights echoing in her eyes, you can’t tell what Chaeyoung’s feeling, and you can’t tell if she’s willing to answer you properly at all. “I’m not making a move until you tell me to.”

Still, you don’t hear her say a word, until your grip starts to loosen on her wrist. “Did you drive here yourself?” she finally asks, barely audible. You nod hesitantly, and Chaeyoung’s voice grows firmer when she says, “I’m telling you to make a move.”

“I thought you were questioning?”

She swallows hard and takes your hand. “Not anymore.”

You don’t taste any alcohol when you lick your lower lip, and so, you nod. It’s stupid, especially considering how quickly your time together is about to end.

But for once, you know what you want.

“Good luck out there, Chae,” you smile, arms wrapped around the girl’s waist.

“Thanks,” she hums, adjusting her hair yet again in the mirror. “We’re almost done filming, I have to promote us well so that we have enough money to at least put the damn film out.”

“Mm.” Your thumb smooths over the sliver of skin exposed by her top, and you place your chin on her shoulder to look at the two of you together.

She glances down at you. “What? Are you thinking about something?”

“Sort of,” you shrug. “I just can’t believe we’re almost done, but we… we just started this. You know, this thing between us.”

“Yeah, it’s definitely a thing. But it doesn’t have to stop with filming,” Chaeyoung says offhandedly.

Raising an eyebrow, you question, “Doesn’t it? It’s going to be suspicious for us to constantly be seen together after filming together, I’ve seen the way your fans behave. Especially while you’re not out.”

“I think I can negotiate that with my company,” the other girl shakes her head.

You joke, “What, you release another two albums if you get to come out about having a girlfriend?”

“Do you want to be my girlfriend?” Chaeyoung responds immediately. Her ears pink endearingly, and you wait for her to clarify, “In secret for now, obviously. But… one day, I’ll be out about it. I promise.”

“Don’t make empty promises, okay?” You press a kiss to her bare shoulder and let her go when you hear a knock at the dressing room door. “Do good!”

“Alright, Chaeyoung, it’s about time that we ask you some questions about your upcoming film, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, absolutely,” your costar smiles, and you raise your head from your phone to watch the screen. She’s sitting cross-legged across from some of the most famous idol interviewers in Korea, absolutely poised and natural even in front of the crowd that cheers over the interview.

The woman behind the podium clears her throat. “A huge talking point in Korea right now is your chemistry with your costar, Y/N. How exactly do you pull that off, since you’ve never experienced a relation like that?”

Chaeyoung laughs nervously, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Oh. Well, um, I don’t have much experience with relationships at all, so--”

“Really? A pretty girl like you must have had a boyfriend or two before.” You despise the way that the interviewer leans in conspiratorially, as if the prying questions weren’t completely scripted. “But you seem a little to pretty to have experienced that, am I right?”

The crowd laughs with her, but Chaeyoung glances behind the scenes, probably to where her own staff sits. “You know, you can tell me if you ever felt… uncomfortable during filming,” the interviewer continues on. “Y/N has been out for years, hasn’t she?”

“Oh, she has…” You’re practically fuming, but you also can’t seem to pry your eyes away from the screen. All of Chaeyoung’s practiced idol-charm has seemed to dissipate into thin air, and she’s practically blending into the wall as she sits there.

The Chaeyoung you know-- no, the Chaeyoung that you’ve come to know, wouldn’t stand to hear something like that. You’ve watched her argue with a scriptwriter, and you’ve watched him get fired because he said something incredibly offensive, even though it wasn’t about you. But here, she sits still and just listens to the interviewer discuss you behind your back, and she says nothing about all the disgustingly backhanded comments.

The thing is, you don’t care about Chaeyoung not being out. You were closeted for enough time yourself, and you know how hard it is, so you’d never wish it on her; but watching her completely let go of all her personal principles just for a stupid interview is just another reminder that you’re letting go of your own. Chaeyoung won’t ever speak up, you realize, because her career comes before anything else. And you can’t stand for that.

“I’m leaving,” you tell the guard standing outside of your door. Only increasing your anger, tears start to burn in your eyes, and you scrape your sleeve across your face as roughly as you can. Chan picks up on one dial, and you say furiously, “Pick me up. It’s over.” In more ways than one.

Chaeyoung shivers at the top of the hill, where she’s supposed to be filming her closing scene with you. She hasn’t seen you for the past week, and after how disastrous her interview was, she’s pretty sure she knows why.

“Where’s Y/N?” she finally asks her makeup artist, giving in to her own curiosity.

Felix shrugs, reaching to mess with the blood on her hairline. “I have no idea, honestly, I haven’t seen her yet. She’s never late, though, you don’t have to worry. You’ll get your scene done.”

“That’s…” Chaeyoung sighs. That’s why she should be worried. “Right.”

“Okay, can we start?” Seulgi shouts. It’s started to rain, but with the excited look on the director’s face, Chaeyoung figures that it suits the scene even better than the gray clouds that had been planned. “Great. Chaeyoung, Y/N!”

Your hair is plastered to your forehead with the rain, and water makes your blouse cling to your curves; with the grim expression on your face, Chaeyoung could easily just mistake you for your character. “Hi,” you mutter, taking a seat on the grass right next to your costar. You say nothing else.

When cued, Chaeyoung takes a deep breath before her line. “Luna. I love you.”

For a second, Chaeyoung thinks you won’t respond, but the rasp to your voice proves her wrong. “No. No, you don’t.”

“I think I’m the one who should be deciding that, don’t you?” The blonde raises her eyebrows, reaching forward hesitantly for your shoulder.

Of course, you dodge it. Blinking the rain out of your eyes, you’re resigned when you ask, “You have your birthday gala tonight, don’t you?”

“Yes, but--” Chaeyoung swallows, lets her hand make contact, then continues, “I’m spending as much time as I can with you, aren’t I with you right now?”

“But you’re going.” It feels like you’re staring right into Chaeyoung’s soul when you speak, as despondent as your voice is. She nods, and you stand, her hand slipping off of your shoulder and into her lap. “Then go. You’re still a princess at the end of the day, aren’t you?”

“At the end of the day, yes…”

“You can’t do that. You sneak out onto my ships, get my people to love you and protect you, and then turn right back to your family to stay safe while we die for you. You can’t say you support our cause and then go back on it when it’s inconvenient for you, it doesn’t work like that!” Chaeyoung flinches at how intense you sound; at this point, she barely knows if it’s still acting. She can only hear her own heart in her ears, can only see your chest heaving from how quickly you spoke, and it all feels too real.

“What, do you want me to get found out?” Chaeyoung demands, getting to her feet as well. The rain becomes harsher, angled so that it perfectly blurs her vision of you. “I’ve saved your ass just as many times too, don’t pretend like I’m not a valuable part of your ship!”

“You’re still pretending.” Realizing that it’s not the right line, Chaeyoung opens her mouth to stop you, but your voice chills her into silence when you speak again. “You’ll always pretend, as long as it benefits you, won’t you? You can’t do that, Helen, not if you ‘love me’. Putting a crown on your head doesn’t mean that you’re a princess. Until you realize that, and until you’re willing to embrace it, you don’t love me. and I don’t love you.”

None of it is the script. None of it is the scene that you rehearsed a thousand times together in your trailer, but somehow, it makes Chaeyoung’s heart quaver in her throat so much more than the original lines ever did.

And when you drop your gaze to the ground, turning to walk off into the rain alone, she knows that to you, your entire relationship is already done.

#blackpink #blackpink x reader #rosé x reader #rosé imagines #rosé scenarios #blackpink imagines #blackpink scenarios #blackpink reactions #blackpink rosé #blackpink chaeyoung #park chaeyoung #park chaeyoung x reader #park chaeyoung imagines #blackpink is the revolution #blackpink in your area #girl group imagines #girl group scenarios

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jadegrey711 · 4 years ago

Text

Achey Thighs

Henry Cavill x Fem!Reader

A/N: For some reason i randomly find myself writing about Henry Cavill yet again. This guy really needs to be in more movies specifically romance movies lol. So this little story is based solely on true events, the true events being that i recently tired to workout and fucking killed my legs with lunges lol. Also the source for this gif can be found in the tags

*NOT MY GIF. Source is in the Tags*

Summary: Reader decides to workout with Henry and whilst doing some lunges she overexcerts herself and her muscles ache like crazy the next day. She assures Henry that she’s fine but he sees her limping and tells her the best thing to do is to rub it out.

If you like my stories you can check out my sideblog @jadegreywriting to see all of them and my masterlist without filtering through my main blog.

I own all rights to this story and do not give permission for my stories to be published, translated or reposted anywhere else. The only places I have published my stories is here on Tumblr and on my AO3 account (LadyAuthor711)

This story is for 18+ ONLY. It contains sexual themes that are not suited for younger audiences so if you’re under 18 my blog and this story is not for you. Please make sure to read at your own discretion and remember that you are solely responsible for your content intake.

It was a new year so that meant it was time for a new you. You had to admit that during quarantine you had gotten extremely lazy; Henry did too for a bit at the very beginning. And you had to admit that having him home all the time to cook for the both of you, along with lying about and messing around anytime you wanted was pure bliss. However, as soon as production was able to ramp up again; he was right back to his early morning routines. So, you decided that you weren’t going to be a lazy lout anymore and decided to join him in his routine one day.

You heard the alarm buzz and gasped awake, feeling a hint of drool on the pillow. “I’m awake. I’m awake.” You muttered and twisted in bed to find Henry already sitting up and smiling down at you.

“Babe. Are you sure you want to do this with me? I mean it’s four in the morning, this is not your usual prowling hours.” he chuckled.

“No.” you said sitting up in bed. “I said I wanted to do this with you and I meant it.” You stated before, gruffly getting out of bed, hearing Henry’s chuckles behind you.

“Alright then. I’ll see you downstairs in ten to fifteen minutes yeah? Make sure you bundle up. It's cold out there.”

You let out an involuntary shiver at the thought of going outside this early in the morning.

*****

Well that wasn’t too bad of a way to spend the morning.

You knew that Henry purposely went easy on you this morning, knowing full well that his training and morning routines don’t consist of power walking, but it made you smile to think that he did it for you. Plus, even though it was freezing outside the walk itself was wonderful; being able to take in the early morning before the world was awake, with you and Henry chatting as you walked. Towards the end of the walk and as you neared closer back to the house, Henry noticed you were starting to shiver and wrapped a strong arm around you and brought you close to him.

You immediately let out a low moan of appreciation as you felt his heat radiate into your cold skin. “God, you’re still so warm, even after being out here for an hour!” You smiled, snuggling closer into him.

He let out a small chuckle, tugging you tighter to him. “Don’t worry this next part won’t be nearly as cold.” he smiled.

“What are we doing?” You asked tentatively.

“I thought we could work on some strength training together. I know you said you wanted to get in better shape.” he paused, a smile coming to his lips. “Although I personally think you are perfect as you are.” He smiled again before placing a quick kiss to your lips, causing your cheeks to heat. “However, I thought that strength training would be a good place to start and of course it won’t be something insane.”

“Okay, that sounds like fun. Then after that are you going to bench me?” You chuckled as he opened the door.

“Oh hell yes. That’s the only reason for me to stay in shape. So I can pick you up and throw you over my shoulders any time I please.” He said before his hands shot out to your hips and you let out a squeal of delight; as he stole you away into the house to begin your first day of strength training.

*******

“Fuck.” You groaned as you slowly got up from the couch, trying not to wince too loud as you made your way upstairs for another ibuprofen. You knew those lunges were a bad idea, you’d never been able to do them right and in consequence you’d always gotten hurt.

However, this time you didn’t think you’d actually hurt yourself you were just this out of shape.

As you grabbed the bottle of ibuprofen, you heard Henry coming up the stairs.

“Babe? Are you still sore?”

“Yeah!” You shouted back from the bathroom, and a moment later Henry was standing there leaning on the bathroom door frame.

“How bad does it hurt?” He asked, concern etching his face. He came up behind you and began rubbing your shoulders.

You smiled. “My thighs don’t necessarily hurt, their just sore like fucking crazy.”

Henry nodded and thought for a moment. “You’re not used to this kind of training but I’ll get you there.” He smiled. “But, I have an idea that I’m sure will help you out. Go lay down baby and I’ll be there in a second.” He said kissing your head.

“Okay.” you nodded and tried so hard not to limp away but it was useless. You let out a loud groan as you sat on the bed, your legs outstretched in front of you as you waited for Henry to come out of the bathroom.

When he came out of the bathroom and into the bedroom he had your bottle of Aveeno lotion. You cocked an eyebrow at him.

“What do you think you’re going to be doing with that?”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself.” He smirked. “I know you’re sore, and it doesn’t matter how much ibuprofen you take right now the only way to really help with that soreness is to rub it out.”

“Alright.” You said, and bit your bottom lip. “I’m liking this much better already. So you’re going to massage me? And it’s not even our anniversary!” You giggled and Henry let out a loud laugh.

“Are you going to let me help you or are you gonna give me shit the entire time?”

“Giving you shit is my born prerogative.” You chuckled, then got up onto your knees and reached out for him and pulled him into your embrace so you could kiss him.

Henry slowly pulled away. “Alright, you’ve had your fun, now lay down and take off your pants.” He smirked.

“Oh! Now we’re cooking with fire!” you giggled.

“Y/N.” He said, his face showing that he means business now.

“Alright!” You giggled and started to take off your leggings, until you were laying on the bed in only Henry’s oversized shirt.

“Good. Now tell me where is it sore the most? On the back of your thighs? The front? Does your calves hurt at all?” he asked his face filled with seriousness.

“It’s the front of my thighs that hurt the most.” You said as you positioned yourself so you were laying completely flat on the bed the only thing that was elevated was your head.

“Alright. Henry said simply, and then proceeded to climb on the bed and position himself so he was between your legs. He guided your legs so they were wrapped behind his back, and you laid open to him.

“Henry. What are you doing?” You asked confused but intrigued just the same.

He lightly shushed you and grabbed the lotion bottle and rubbed some into his hands before he brought those strong hands down on your aching thighs.

You let out a soft hiss. But his hands didn’t waver as they continued to softly rub your thighs. He started out by using the tips of his fingers, so his touch was soft at first. Then as he continued working on your sore muscles he started using the palm of his hands. So he could work the deeper knots in the muscle.

You let out a small sigh, as you felt your aching muscles ease under his touch, but you also felt something else as his strong hands worked you. You felt your arousal growing, watching him there between your thighs, his hands alleviating your pain but also bringing you pleasure as you watch them glide up and down your skin. His face a mask of shere concentration as he massaged you, only to look up at your face every now and again and each time he did, you could see his own arousal growing in his eyes.

His hands moved a bit lower than they needed to, grinding them into your hips before coming back up your thighs and stopping at your knees; repeating the same motions.

“How does this feel?” He asked, and it came out breathy. This had to be affecting him as much as it was affecting you.

“It feels really good baby.” You purred, knowing now that you were a puddle in his hands now.

“How good?” He licked his lips, then you felt his hands trace the inside of your thighs and before he could touch you where you needed him to, his hands went back up again.

“Henry.” You gasped, feeling just how drenched you were for him and those hands of his right now.

“Tell me how good it feels, Y/N.” He said, his voice holding a tone of command. His hands went back down to where they almost brushed your mound.

“It feels so good, baby.” You purred and arched your hips up to him, letting him know exactly what you want.

“Oh yeah?” he teased.

“Yes.” You hissed. “Henry please, touch me.” You pleaded and to your sweet relief felt his fingers brush your pussy lips, separating them as he traced down your folds.

“You’re so wet for me Y/N.”

You couldn’t think coherently with Henry’s fingers tracing your folds with him in between your thighs so you just nodded, feeling like you were going to explode if he didn’t properly touch you soon.

“Such a good girl.” He purred as he put down your legs so he could lean over you and kiss you deeply. You let out a low moan as you finally got what you wanted and you felt Henry’s finger slide into, and started crooking it in a come hither motion. Adding gas to the already roaring fire inside you.

“You know how much I love you Y/N.” he said against your neck, sucking your skin knowing that it’ll leave a mark there.

You moaned and grabbed onto his curly locks as he pushed another finger inside of you, and you could feel that familiar climb in your lower belly as you knew you were about to reach your climax.

“So good.” he purred in your ear and you felt yourself go over the edge and grip tightly onto his fingers as your climax raked over you.

“God, I love you so much Henry.” You moaned somewhat unintelligently. Henry didn’t seem to mind at all as he slipped his fingers out of you and fell to the bed next to you.

“Well that’s not at all where i intended that to go.” He laughed and you laughed with him.

“You started it! Telling me to take off my pants then putting yourself between my legs!” you laughed.

“Okay, maybe I did mean for it to go there.” he laughed. “So, does this mean that we’re doing this every time we work out?

#henry cavill x you #jade tries writing #henry cavill x reader #henry cavill #Henry cavill reader insert #henry x reader #henry x you #fem! reader #Henry cavill fem!reader #the ending is a bit of a mess but I just needed to crank something out #geralt x reader #jadegrey writes #my writing #rpf fanfic

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cazimagines · 4 years ago

Text

Perfectly Exasperating - Chapter 3

Synopsis: While you have been unknowingly kidnapped Zemo is determined to make the time he spends with you the best that he can

Word count: 5.4k

Author’s note: Hey all! This is sorta a one-month celebration of my account and for all the love you guys have shown this series and my other series 'A Freudian Slip' I can't thank you enough! My editing program decided to screw me over though so if you can see a difference grammatically in the first half and the second half that's why

Masterlist

(Please check out my master list to see what I will be writing next and if requests are open or closed)

Cross-posted to ao3 under the same username

Part 1 Part 2 Part 4

Your eyes slowly flutter open as the warmth from the sun shining through the curtains touching your skin waking you up. Yawning and stretching, feeling the soft duvet move on top of you, you sighed in content, closing your eyes again as you embraced the happiness which had been foreign to you for so long. You reach out to seize the end of the duvet and gradually slide out of the bed; you feel the slight chill of the morning breeze brush against your exposed legs. Crossing over to the wardrobe your hand reaches out to flick through the many dresses, shirts, trousers that hung in there, all belonging to shops such as Gucci, Prada, Valentino. There were clothes appropriate for any event, but today you choose comfortably as you pull out a maroon knitted sweater and dark blue jeans. Though appearing to be rather cheap clothes, you knew Zemo would never have spent less than $100 on them.

When Zemo said he would take care of you, he meant it in every aspect. It was a culture shock going from the relatively poor life you lived, surviving off the small amount of money they paid you for being an Avenger to being treated like royalty by Zemo. Not that you were complaining. It was a guilty pleasure of yours enjoying this luxury, a part of you hoping it would never end. If you had told yourself just a few weeks ago, you would have enjoyed living with Zemo you would have laughed in your face but that man had certainly turned on the charm and you couldn’t help but feel the slightest big thankful for him for everything he has done for you.

You finally leave the confines of your room, something you had only been allowed to do a few times until today. You convinced Zemo yesterday that you weren’t concussed from when John had hit you with the shield and that you would be fine getting up and walking around. He was still hesitant but knew he couldn’t keep you confined in your bed forever.

You close your eyes as you inhale the sweet smell of cooking pancakes, making your stomach grumble greedily. Following the scent, you work your way down through the interior design living room into the lavish kitchen where Zemo currently had his back turned to you as he attempted to flip the pancake he had in the frying pan. His purple turtleneck sleeves were pulled up, exposing his forearms as they tensed, trying to get the timing right to flip the pancake. He does so with perfect accuracy, the golden brownness of the pancake soaring up into the air and landing back down in the frying pan, sizzling.

Zemo giggles to himself, celebrating his minor achievement as he waves the frying pan, his body swaying along slightly with it.

“That smells heavenly,”

Zemo whips around at hearing your voice pierce the air. “Ah y/n! Please, take a seat while I make breakfast,”

His eyes follow you as you take a seat down at the table he had prepared for this morning, then focus back on the breakfast at hand. You pour out some orange juice Zemo had left on the table, then your gaze flickers back to him as he finishes cooking. He stacks the pancakes onto two plates and grabs some sugar, maple syrup, and lemons out of the shelves, giving you a choice of toppings.

You scoff as he turns around, seeing on the apron he had tied around himself the words ‘kiss the chef’ on it.

“Really?” you ask, raising the glass to your lips as you watch him glance down to his apron and then back up to you offended.

“You don’t like?”

“It’s embarrassing to look at!” you exclaim as he places the plates down on the table and sits down opposite you.

Zemo’s eyebrows twitch as he scoffs back at you, “I think it suits me, plus a kiss is expected after I worked so hard on breakfast” he says, tapping his cheek with his finger.

You raise an eyebrow, letting a breath out as you laugh, “Yeah, in your dreams,”

You two settle into a comfortable silence as you readily eat the breakfast he made. The pancakes were soft but delicious, sickeningly sweet but you have always had a sweet tooth and so it seems, does Zemo.

“I thought you would have one of your staff make breakfast, you never struck me as the person to do something yourself when you can make others do it,” you say breaking the silence as you finish the last of your pancakes.

Zemo glances up to you, tilting his head, “Why do you think that? Because I grew up rich?”

You nod, not attempting to make yourself sound nicer, “Yes. It’s common knowledge the rich are always spoilt”

His lips twitch up into a smile at your bluntness. He sighs, leaning back in his chair, crossing his legs as he addresses you.

“You’re right. Even though Sokovia was a rather small country, I grew up with more riches than most people could dream of. But at least I acknowledge my privilege. That counts for something, doesn’t it?”

“Depending on what you use your privilege for. Blowing up the UN isn’t exactly putting it to good use now stop avoiding my original question,”

Zemo bites the inside of his mouth as you see through his attempts at trying to dodge the question. His admiration for you however outweighed any annoyance he might have felt at being called out for it. Leaning forward again to rest his arms on the table he says,

“It’s only me, you and my Butler who occasionally comes in. After I was arrested, there was no work for my staff so they all left and I can’t exactly hire anyone else,”

You nod, satisfied, then dab the napkin that Zemo has set out beside you, on your lips to get rid of any leftover sugar. You place your hands on the table and push yourself up from it.

“Well, thank you for breakfast, and thank you for looking after me this last week… that was nice of you, but I better be going. Do you know where my phone is?”

Zemo’s eyes furrow and he immediately stands up as you walk away from the table. He rushes past you, stepping in front of you to stop you from walking.

“You can’t leave y/n,”

Your head jilts back in confusion, “Why not?”

“We ruined Karli’s plans, so she is trying to find us. That’s why Sam and James are out hiding and why we must remain here,”

“I can handle Karli,” you tell Zemo, trying to step past him, but his hand reaches out and grasps your arm firmly.

“Not a super-soldier y/n. It’s too dangerous, especially after your recovery. James and Sam will reach out to me once it is clear to leave, but for now, we stay.”

You huff in frustration, shaking Zemo’s hand off your arm as you cross them. “Well, at least get me a phone so I can keep in contact with them too,”

“I’m afraid I can’t get you a phone currently, but you are welcomed to use mine. Alas, James and Sam have my number but I don’t have theirs’s so unless you remember their numbers we have to wait till they message first to reach out to them,”

You let out a melodramatic sigh, rolling your head looking to the side of the room then back to Zemo.

“So what the hell am I to do to keep occupied?”

Zemo tilts his head, his eyes flicker to the side in thought as he opens his mouth wordlessly and his eyes move back to yours, his eyebrows raising as he frowns thinking over the idea that has just entered his head.

With his fingers, Zemo, gazing at you eagerly, beckoned you down the corridor, towards a giant door that was at the end.

“I’m not a dog Zemo” you complain as you follow him

“Have you ever heard of dramatic effect?”

Zemo had taken off his apron and replaced it with that coat he loved to wear so much. You firmly believed it gave him a power complex. He strutted to the end of the hallway and placed his hands on the door. His face turns to you smirking, enjoying this dramatic pause as you roll your eyes at him. He pushes the door open and stands to the side, sweeping his arm across the space to let you in.

You walk past him and your eyes widen in amazement as you walk into the most magnificent library you had ever seen. The room itself stretched out almost further than you could see, seeming to go on and on. The shelves looked like they reached up to the sky, each one stacked with thousands of beautiful hardback books. The design of it looked like you had just stepped into heaven, with white and gold being the main colour scheme. On the ceiling was a painted sky with the gods on, looking down at you. On the pillars separating the shelves were little cherubs, their bows positioned to pierce your heart. Everything about this library was beautiful. It felt like a library that should belong to a museum not kept in this private mansion.

“You see why the dramatic effect was necessary?” Zemo says stepping up beside you, looking out at the shelves before you.

“Zemo this is… this is beautiful,”

His eyes flicker to you then back to the library, a smile appearing on his lips, “Yes, I suppose it is. When I was younger, I had always taken things like this for granted, but after my time in prison I believe it’s made me more humble,”

You walk over to the nearest bookshelf, letting your fingers brush over the colourful hardbacks. You pull one book out, stroking the golden platted side. “You must have every practically every book in existence here”

“I have more books than I could ever get round to reading. You can find anything you want to read here,”

After ten minutes you had gathered a rather sizable book pile you were determined to read, full of fictional and non-fictional books, some of your favorites and some you had never read before.

Zemo chuckled as you tried to hold all of them in your grasp. As you picked one up, the book on the very top of your pile slipped and fell to the floor. Panic surged in you, worried you would damage something so expensive, but Zemo’s hand appears and catches it before it could hit the ground.

Straightening up, he gave you an amused smile, “Maybe you should let me help carry them”

Accepting his help, he takes half the book pile off you and guides you over to a place deep in the library where you two could read. There were two light green armchairs facing each other, with a fireplace just behind them. To the side of the chairs were small tables which contained bookmarks, a goblet, and an ashtray, and to the side of one chair was a globe which could be opened, and inside it held a decanter full of whiskey.

Zemo places the books in his arms on the table then walks over to one shelf, browsing till he finally finds the book he was looking for. He returns to find you getting comfortable in your chair, opening the first book.

“Whisky?” he asks, opening up the globe beside him.

A few days ago you would have said ‘no, no way,’ but today you smile and nod your head, reaching out with the glass beside you to gracefully accept the drink.

The next couple of days were spent similarly with you and Zemo spending much of your time reading in the library together. Occasionally you two would even read to each other as he had first done with you when you had woken up here. Though you would never admit it to him, his smokey voice made you very comfortable. If he tried, he could lull you to sleep with that accent of his.

You couldn’t help but try to separate the Zemo you know now as the one you used to hate. Yes, he had torn apart your family, but he had all the reason for what happened to Sokovia, what happened to his family. Plus, this Zemo seemed to try hard to make it up to you. Almost too hard. He was trying everything to keep you entertained while you were stuck here, make your life as comfortable as he could. It was nice.

You strolled into the kitchen hearing the quiet buzz of the radio playing the latest top hits and the sound of someone humming along to the music. In there you find Zemo by the counter, fixated on the bowl he held in his arm and the spoon in his hand as he delicately tries to put the mixture into the cupcake trays before him. You had offered to make food, feeling like he always did too much for you but every day he insisted he would, even on days where it Butler would come around.

“Need help?” you ask, walking over to stand beside him.

He glances at you, then back to the tray he has laid out before him. “I’ve got a handle on this,” he replies just as he spills some mixtures onto the counter, making him swear under his breath.

“Uh-huh, sure,” you say, looking down at the spilled mixture. You turn to face him, letting out a chuff as you place a hand on his arm, “Zemo stop being so prideful and let me help”

As soon as your hand comes in contact with his arm, he freezes. He glances down at the ground, swallowing then his eyes flicker to yours and he smiles gently, his usual arrogance disappearing. “Okay,”

You grab a spoon from the draw and help Zemo scrap off what he puts into his spoon into the cake tray with accuracy. You two stand together, your shoulders brushing up against each other till you finish and put it into the oven.

“We have 30 minutes until we need to get them out. Why don’t you read for a bit while I clean up,”

“I can help clean up,” You tell him already going over to the sink to turn the water on, “You’re not my servant Zemo,”

“Helmut” he suddenly says

You turn back to look at him, confused at the seriousness of his face, “Please y/n, call me Helmut,”

Your mouth moves wordlessly for a moment, then you say, “Helmut,” trying the name out on your tongue. You were so used to calling him Zemo, you had forgotten that that wasn’t his first name.

“Thank you” he whispers, glancing away from you bashfully.

He takes a towel off the side of the rail and dries up everything you washed as you two settled into a peculiar silence.

Attempting to liven the atmosphere again, you put a cup just at the right angle of the running tap that the water splashed into Zemo’s coat. He steps back shocked, glancing down at his coat then back to you. He lets out a laugh, his mouth open in surprise that you would do that. “Oh, if that is how it is”

Zemo quickly grabs a mug, running it under the following water. Realizing what he was going to do you let out a squeal and rush for the door but you don’t get far enough till you feel the water hit your back, soaking your t-shirt.

“Helmut!” you gasp as he chuckles at you. You run forward to grab the nearest thing in front of you to chuck it at him, a piece of bread in this case but he ducks as it flies over him. He fills the cup up again and runs towards you but you get to the table and hide on the other side till you were both poised opposite each other waiting for one of you to make the first move.

“This isn’t fair!” you whine, feeling the coldness of your t-shirt cling to your back. “Who said anything about fairness!” Zemo shouted back, grinning at you.

Eventually, you two called a truce when the oven chimes letting you two know the cupcakes were finished baking. After that day, Zemo always asked if you wanted to help him make meals.

“Is the popcorn ready?” you shout as you jump up from the floor where you were placing the DVD into the DVD player.

“Almost done” Zemo calls out.

While waiting, you settle yourself down on the middle of the red sofa, twisting your back to get that perfect spot as you stared up at the giant screen in front of you.

Zemo emerges from the kitchen holding the popcorn and places the bowl onto the table in front of you. He settles down beside you, instantly positioning his arms on the top of the sofa, resting behind your head.

He leans forward to pick up some of the popcorn, tossing it in his mouth as he asks you what you have chosen to watch tonight.

“Beauty and the Beast,” you say excitingly and Zemo coughs, leaning forward as he accidentally inhaled the popcorn in his mouth.

He wipes the tear from his eye as he leans back and you give him a confused look, “Do you not like the film?”

“No-no, it’s not that. W-why do you want to watch the film?”

“It’s my favorite Disney film,”

He nods his head slightly looking down at the popcorn, “I see…” he then glances back to you, looking you in the eyes, “Why is it your favorite Disney film?”

You lean back sighing as you think the movie over, “Well, I’ve loved it since I was a kid. I always wanted to be like Bell and I found the beast so sweet and gentle”

“Even though he imprisoned her?”

“He let her go in the end, and she came back to him”

Zemo opened his mouth wanting to say more, but you sushed him as the movie started, wanting to concentrate only on it.

Zemo turned down the lights to make the experience feel as cinematic as he could of you. Grabbing the bowel he offered you some of the popcorn and you smiled at him in thanks. He tried to enjoy the movie, but his eyes kept wandering back to you, watching your expressions as you watched the movie. His heart skipped a beat every time you laughed at it when that gorgeous smile would grace your face, even in the sad moments where it looked like you were about to cry. He loved seeing how you reacted to everything. There were so many things he had taken for granted, and it felt like he was discovering them all over again with you. It fascinated him to find out the beauty and the beast was your favorite film. It was almost ironic given your current situation, one of which you remained painfully unaware of. He knew he couldn’t keep you in the dark forever. Sam and James were bound to discover where you two were eventually, which is why he wanted to enjoy every moment he had with you to the fullest before it was over.

As the movie went on, Zemo could feel your body moving closer and closer to him. The heat that radiated from your body made him want to wrap his arms around you, but he didn’t know if that would go too far. Roughly by the end of the movie, your head rested against his chest, moving slightly up and down as he breathed. He could tell by your shallow breathing you had entered the realm of dreams.

Looking down at you, he couldn’t help but admire how peaceful you looked. When on the mission with Sam and James you had always appeared tense, prepared to fight your way out of a situation as soon as possible, but at this moment you were relaxed and it made his heart flutter. He could look at you forever like this and never tire of it.

He had found himself in the past comparing you to his wife. He felt conflicted feeling this way about another woman, but how he felt about you differed from how he felt about his wife. It was new, exciting, addicting. Slowly raising his hand, he brushes a piece of hair that had fallen over your face while you slept. Your skin was smooth against his fingers and so soft. His fingers lingered on your skin before finally, he let his arm rest around your body, holding you close as you slept against his chest.

Your arms were raised, feeling the walls on either side of you as you tried to figure out if you were going and if you were about to bump into anything while Zemo’s hands were clasped around your eyes tightly.

“Don’t you trust me y/n” he whispers in your year, snickering.

“Do you want a pleasant lie or the harsh truth?” you ask, turning your head slightly but Zemo tuts and moves your head back with his hands

“Not long now, just a few more steps,”

“Till what!” you whine

“Be patient y/n!”

Zemo lifts one hand of your eyes telling you to keep them close and you hear the creak of a door open ahead of you. His hand returns to your face and with slightly pushing his body against yours, he urges you forward into this new room.

“Can I finally look now?”

Zemo removes his hands and steps back from you, “Okay y/n, open your eyes”

Opening them you gasped in shock seeing what was before you. On a stand was a replica of Belle’s dress in Beauty and the Beast. Its honey yellow colour shone out, the top of it tightly clung to the mannequin it was on while the bottom poofed out, it hung with no shoulder straps and came with yellow gloves. Everything about it was perfect.

“Helmut I- I’m, stunned,”

“You like it?” he asks anxiously

You turn to him grinning, “Of course I do!”

You hug him tightly, ecstatic, then rushed over to the dress, brushing your fingers along it. “It’s beautiful” you whisper.

“I think I got the sizes right,” Zemo says coming up beside you, a pink tinge to his cheeks, “There’s only one way to know for you,” he adds on, turning to you giving you a gentle smile

He helps you take the dress off and chuckles as he watches you rush off with it to get changed, then leaves to get changed himself.

The dress fitted perfectly on you. Everything from the bust down to the waist. Even the gloves fitted perfectly. When you entered the bathroom, you found Zemo had even found some make-up in case you wanted to use any. He thought of everything.

Finally looking at yourself in the mirror, you couldn’t wipe the smile off your face. You truly felt like a Disney princess. Slowly you walked back down the stairs and enter the room Zemo had to lead you in, to begin with. As you walked in, let out a merry laugh as you saw Zemo, dressed up in a blue jacket, embroidered with yellow roses on the sleeves, just like the beast. He was standing by a record player, putting a disk in as you walked in. He turns to look at you, his mouth opening in wonder.

“Y/n… you look glorious,”

His sincere comment makes your cheeks heat up and you hold your arms out to him, squeezing your hands letting him know you want to hold his hands.

He turns the record on and your favorite song from Beauty and the Beast floats out, making your cells light up with excitement.

“Helmut” you start to say as he walks over to you, holding his hand out, “Why are you doing this?”

He gently takes your gloved hand, bending over to kiss it. “I know it isn’t easy being stuck in here all the time and you said you loved ‘Beauty and the Beast’ so I thought it would make a pleasant treat,”

His arms hesitantly touch your waist as he looks into your eyes as if asking it was okay. You nod and step closer to him, taking his hand in yours holding it up. Getting into the waltz position you two start to move along the dance floor, swaying to the music.

You two slide along the ballroom floor, picking up speed. As you look up to him, he breathes out smiling back down at you happily. His hand on his waist spins your around as your dress flutters out. You squeal in delight as you grasp back onto his hand as you felt dizzy.

You two turn around the floor looking each other deep in the eyes. You could feel his breath on your face as you two were barely inches apart from each other. Zemo pulls you in even closer as your arm goes around his neck, your body pulled into his. He dips you as you cling to him tightly for dear life as the music fades.

He holds you into that position, panting as he looks at you, his eyes flickering from your eyes to your lips. You could feel that pull towards him, your eyes starting to flutter shut. He leans towards you but suddenly you feel your fingers slip and you almost let go of him. His other hand quickly wraps around making sure you don’t fall to the floor.

He helps you back on your feet and you two steps apart. You look away feeling your cheeks burn up again.

“Helmut, thank you. Thank you so much” you tell him earnestly

He looks deep into your eyes, smiling in bliss, “Anything for you y/n”

“Y/n, are you awake?”

You groan as you hear Zemo whisper beside you, waking you from your sleep.

“Ugh, Helmut what time is it,” you moan turning over with your eyes are closed.

“It’s 8, time to wake up”

“Nooooo” you whine screwing up your eyelids.

You hear him chuckle and then you feel something push against your lips. You open your eyes confused to see Zemo beside you, holding a strawberry to your lips.

You smile and take a bite out of it, moaning in delight as you taste its sweetness as you sit up. He sits up beside you and holds out some melted chocolate for you to dip the strawberry in.

“Helmut, you spoil me”

“Not enough,” he whispers back as he puts the chocolate-covered strawberry to your lips letting you take another bite.

“I’m not even surprised anymore to see you in my bed when I wake up,” you tell him

“Technically this is my bed”

“You know what I mean!”

He chuckles as he pushes his head back into the headboard, “I thought it would be a nice way for you to wake up,”

“Consider me impressed,” you tell him, looking over at him smiling. He glances back to you, his lips twitching up. You lean into his side, not caring at the moment you were in a simple nightdress. You close your eyes inhaling his cologne and picking up a strawberry to feed to him.

“I could get used to this,” you whisper to him

You scan the piano music book before looking back down to the notes before you. It had been a while since you had last played so you thought you might as well pick it up while you were stuck in Zemo’s mansion.

You press the notes but every time you tried to play one of the chords you always missed one. You were trying to play your favorite song 'Comptine d'un autre été' but to no avail.

“You need to flow with the music and not worry about hitting the right notes”

You turn around and smile as you see Zemo approach you from behind. “Isn’t the whole point of music to play the right notes?” you say sarcastically

Zemo lets out a huff chuckling, “Well yes but you’ll hit the notes when you stop trying so hard. Now try again”

You turn back around and attempt the music again but hit the wrong notes making you slam the piano in annoyance.

“Don’t damage the piano”

“I’m sorry,” you mutter, “I should give up,”

“No don’t do that” Zemo says, brushing his fingers over your waist, “Here let me help you”

He puts his hands on top of yours guiding them, “Let’s try again,”

You look to the music then back down to your hands which had Zemo’s resting on and attempt to start playing again. His hands moved in time with yours as they guided along with the piano, pressing down on your fingers when you needed to. You got every note. Well, Zemo got every note.

“See, easy,” he says as he pulls back from you. “Now try again”

You attempt to play again but feeling his eyes stare into your back you couldn’t concentrate and messed up the notes again.

“We just went through this!”

“It’s hard to concentrate with you staring at me!” you exclaim turning around to him. Your eyes widen as what you just said as he tilts his head, a smug smile appearing on his lips.

“Oh, I make it hard for you to concentrate do I?”

You groan at his cockiness, looking away from him so he doesn’t see your glistening red cheeks.

He walks up behind you again, his fingers grazing your jawline, stopping at your chin as he raises your head to look up at him. Seeing him look down at you made a knot in your stomach tighten.

“You are awfully red y/n”

“Shut up”

He chuckles and leans down, placing a kiss on your forehead, “I like it when you blush”

The breath gets caught in your lungs as you feel his lips on your forehead, their softness cooling your burning skin.

For the first time in your life, you were rendered speechless, by Helmut Zemo no less.

His teeth flash in his smile as he looks down at you, “Come let’s practice this again” he says, leaning over as his back pressed into yours, putting his hands back on top of yours.

“Zemo do you mind if I borrow your phone briefly to see if that new video has been released?” you call out picking up Zemo’s phone that he had left on your seat.

“Go ahead! Just don’t check anything else on there” he yells back

“Worried I will find your nudes?” you call out as you unlock the phone. Pressing onto the youtube app you sigh in annoyance seeing no new video and so you were about to put the phone back down when a message appeared from a contact simply labeled ‘S’

It read, ‘S: Look just tell us where you have taken her. Whatever you are doing with her it isn’t worth it”

Your eyebrows furrow in confusion at what the hell could that message mean. You click onto the message stream just to see a ton of messages from this ‘S’ contact but with no reply from Zemo.

You hesitate for a moment, knowing Zemo wouldn’t want you to do what you were about to do, but your curiosity got the best of you and you pressed the call button.

It rang for a few seconds and then the line picked up.

“Zemo” Sam’s voice rang out through the phone

“Sam?” you ask back

“W-what, YN/!? Are you okay? Where are you?”

“Woah Woah Sam, calm down, I’m fine! I’m with Helmut-Sam what is going on?”

“What has he done to you?”

“What do you mean he's done nothing, Sam I thought me and Helmut were hiding out here till Karli was done with her plan?”

You hear a sigh down the phone and then the muffled voices of what you could make out as Bucky and Sharon down the line.

Sam picked the phone back up and spoke directly, “Y/n you need to get out of there now. Zemo, he's kidnapped you”

The phone slips from your hand and lands on the floor with a loud crash.

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