#{ this is heavy on my bday. i know. but good lord someone had to say this }

[tcthinecwnself-a]

TO ALL MY OWL HOUSE MUTUALS (and anyone who cares)

Small callout post under the cut.

No drama. This is just for safety.

PLEASE do not interact with mellowwpuphub or any of her associated blogs. As some of you may know, she was the reason I quit RP between 2014-2018. I quit because she was horribly disrespectful and almost abusive towards me. She never wanted me to interact with duplicates, and demanded that I write my muses according to how she wanted things to go. 

- Ex: I had Elsa, she had Anna. She never wanted me to interact with other Annas, and accused me of trying to “replace” her when I did. My Vanellope also doesn’t like being hugged or touched by anyone not Ralph. She said that because her OC was her “sister” she deserved to not be included in that rule, despite me saying no.

I also made the mistake of telling her my real name. Despite knowing my preferred name is Peggy, she refused to call me that, making me uncomfortable at every interaction. She said that because she was my “real friend” she should get to call me by my “real name”.

as i moved on from interests, she would constantly shame me for leaving her behind, and mock my new interests. If i didn’t text her, she would be angry with me and accuse me of trying to leave her behind. eventually, she made me feel so unsafe that I had to block her.

TW for underaged muses used for mature themes

NOW, she is writing Owl House muses. and it’s honestly the worst thing I’ve ever seen. she has a “canon divergent” Luz blog, bxdbxdboy, where she has aged Luz up to 18. She has not changed icons. She has not done anything different. She makes sexual headcanons, does “purity” tests with her, and associates Luz with songs abt sex. Worst of all she has this in Luz’s bio

Words cannot express how uncomfortable this makes me.

So please. PLEASE. Do not interact with this person. She has proven herself time & time again to be a dangerous individual. Please don’t send her this way to my blog either. I literally do not want this lady ANYwhere near my blog, my mutuals, or any of the people I care about.

[herstarburststories]

He didn’t make it to 42

Pairing: Dean Winchester x reader

Summary: it’s Dean’s birthday, you go to visit him with some news and things that need to be said.

A/N: Happy bday, De.

Warnings: so much angst, mentions of sex, hopeful/happy ending (?)

Dean’s dead. It’s Dean’s birthday and he’s dead. You can’t argue much.

Sam denied the demon blood inside him, and that didn’t stop its evil nature from growing and gasping for his fresh air to the point he was almost shocked alive. Dean denied his dad’s destructive methods’ results for the longest time, and that didn’t stop the cicatrixes in every emotion he had ever shown. You denied the absence of Dean and that didn’t stop the bricks cracking in your soul. There’s only so far you can go with your eyes closed.

So here you are. Standing in front of an empty grave. You are bigger than the dull tombstone, yet you can’t help but not to feel tall, at all. How can you even start to talk? Talking to Dean used to be easy even when it got hard and now you’re feeling like a lost kid in a supermarket. Your snide thinking spells out his name with venom, saying it isn’t easy for you to open your barmy mouth and spill out contrarian shit because this isn’t Dean, just another meaningless symbolism that Sam promises that will help. The real Dean died almost a year ago, he was burned in a hunter’s funeral, the flames dancing over his body as the smell of burnt meat invaded your nostrils. Whenever you try to remember his fragrance, that manly aroma which you loved to scent each morning, all your brain can come up with is the odor of his skin and guts burning. The smell lingers like bad perfume, it doesn’t matter how many times you wash yourself with his soap-- that only broke your heart worse.

But today is Dean’s birthday. He deserves a visit, even if it’s not him. Then you go and attempt to deal with the desolation, push it away just a little, and pick up something from the enormous pile of things you wish to tell Dean. You glance at the cold tombstone: Dean Winchester. 1979 - 2020. Beloved son, big brother, and husband. Hunter. A hero. Simple definitions that can never make it up for who he was and what he meant. You purse your lips and cough a little, a gentle wind touches your cheek so tenderly. If you were still a believer, you’d think this is some sort of sign, Dean’s presence or some other pious hoax. All you do now is to remain in quietude, a deep breath. Ultimately, your voice comes:

‘’You didn’t make it to forty two, huh?’’ You scoff humorless, reminiscing to the multiple days that Dean said he wouldn’t go past 35. He did live each year like it was the last--- you aren’t sure if it's such a good thing. If you carry on like your days are outnumbered, you are silently entertaining yourself until death's knock on your door. ‘’I always hated when you were right. Let’s be honest, you had the words of a pessimist and the wants of an optimist. Still, if you were to be right about something, it would be about a bad situation. A nest with too many vampires, how crappy the motel’s bedroom would be, or how that third glass of wine would make me tipsy. So yeah, I always hated when you were right. And look at you now! You aren’t right, you aren’t wrong. You are dead! And I’m the crazy girl screaming at an empty tombstone.’’

You let out a laugh empty of joy. That’s how a hunter’s life is: you die and people stop talking about you because it’s too sad or too long gone to hold any pity, meanwhile the ones who recall about you go loud with all the spirits in their heads. You put your hand in the pockets of the heavy leather jacket that once belonged to a green eyed man who would be turning 42 today, some strange force causing you to speak again.

‘’Wow.’’ You shake your head to the blue way you paint the scene until you notice that you never greeted him. ‘’Hey.’’ The simple word adds a comical insult to injury. ‘’Guess the dead don’t care about manners, huh?’’ You arch your eyebrows with a grin that demonstrates anything but happiness. ‘’Miracle died. Sam digged a hole next to the bunker and buried him there. He isn’t the same since you died, you know? Not the deceased dog-- Well, he wasn’t the same either. Always whining and scratching your door like a fucking cat, and sniffing your old boots. He made me company in your bed and I whined as much as he did when you didn’t come back home that day. He stood by the door most days, waiting for you to appear. I can’t judge him, I did the same.’’ You shrug, not caring about how risible that confession may look. It's true. You became as irrational as a loyal dog at some point in this sorrow. ‘’And Sam, your baby brother… I think he died with you right there, Dean. He didn’t try to bring you back as he promised, but I shouted and screamed so much. I said I would burn the bunker and throw Baby over a cliff if he didn’t-- if he didn’t let me try. I lived up to the mad woman title.’’

You are crestfallen, pacing on top of where the eldest Winchester - Sam’s brand new nomination -  supposedly was buried. You know your boots barely touch an infected land, there's no deceased man under your steps. The dead thing is in you.

‘’I spent days dragging your body everywhere and nowhere, anywhere I could catch a crumb of relief in hope to bring you back. But I couldn’t. Jack could, but that ungrateful idiot doesn’t wanna follow his grandpa steps and get too attached to mere humans, the creation or whatever. As if we are just some skin and bone to him, as if you are just another human.’’

You sit down on the tombstone, some tender solace in being close to a thing that's supposed to represent him, like sleeping hugged to a pillow or waking up to a photograph of his. Your nails sink against the gelid concrete at the thought of screaming into the sky for the new God that seemed as deaf as the last one. His calm answer to your burning pain. How he dared to tell you he knew what he was doing— as if he was the original lord and not a three years old. You can't make him do it, so you hold on the fury of some overthrown nation.

‘’Anyway, I couldn’t bring you back. Your body, well, you know how human anatomy works. Your body started to smell like death. We tried to stop with human and magic ways, and it wouldn’t work because you were dead. You should’ve seen the doctor’s face when we got you in that fancy hospital tha night. I think we traumatized the doctor with so much violence and trauma. She didn’t even give us a false hope or anything, you know? She just asked about organ donation of what was left. She just wanted to take every little thing out of you, as if you were just another accident on a Tuesday night.’’ Your shake your head as the memories and your points start to mix, it's hard to discern things and keep a straight line when you have an open wound in your insides. ‘’Well, they couldn’t bring you back to life, and neither could Rowena or whatever I looked for. Don’t be mad because I tried, Winchester. You know I’m too stubborn for my own good. I had to try.’’ you refuse to apologize, yet adds the playful words in his eulogy. ‘’But then your body started to stink and God, how could I continue to be so violent to your corpse? That was when I decided to listen to you for the first time and to Sam, so I let you go. I hate you for asking that.’’ What an ambiguous, contradictory truth to bare. You are glimpses of a person for months because of Dean Winchester, still have the energy to argue his selfless logic, just to love him even more. He's got your devotion, but man you can hate him sometimes. ‘’I hate you for going on that stupid hunt. I hate you for being dead, you giant idiot that I love so much.’’ You can't bring your mouth to say loved. "I was always telling you to let the past go and now I’m in love with a dead thing. What a comic way to end our history. I told you that Miracle died, right? I don’t know if dogs go to heaven, but I hope he’s in there with you. I wonder what your heaven is like. I bet it has Whiskey.''

Your dry chuckle makes your notice the tears in your eyes, glistening your orbs as they go like a waterfall to be absorbed by the thirsty land after leaving your cheeks.

"Sam and I-- We tried to make some sense out of this cruelty, but we can’t. You are dead and I can’t seem to put it past me. I still sleep in your bed, and I can still taste your body burning on the roof of my mouth in the quiet nights. I cried this morning because someone asked for a burger, can you believe that? It was so stupid since I used to shake my head and argue with you about cholesterol. Suddenly I was crying at lunch in a restaurant because some stupid kid asked for a burger with extra bacon. They sang Happy birthday to this dumbass child, and I interrupted with my awful crying, and wished that you were celebrating your birthday and not that kid. I guess you could say I wish death upon an innocent child with a problematic eating routine.’’ That was a whole new level of low, as if you are the one wrapped with the sentiment of laying six feet under.

‘’Everyone tells you about how grief is singular and particular with similar emotions that bring people who went through this together. They even have that crap stages thing and all that. You know what they don’t tell you?’’ Your mouth shuts for a moment, like you are waiting some response. You nod as if whatever you were expecting is handed to you. ‘’Grief can be fucking ridiculous. Who cries because of a burger full of oil and cardiac diseases? Who cries because they found a grocery store recipe under her dead boyfriend’s bed? Who falls on the ground screaming in the middle of the mall because they saw a flannel? Who? Those things are so stupid.’’ You smile like there's no tomorrow and the laugh leaving your lips is a treacherous tone. Perhaps you just aren't build up to express joy anymore. ‘’You see it in the movies and in the books and you think, you know, you think to yourself that grieving is being sad on special dates and randomly remembering the loved ones because of some screaming memory, like a flannel or their perfume. Thing is, it’s not just that. All your body seems so small, so tight for all the ache and agony inside it. Your senses go wild, you are not just one person in one place. You’re just the pain everywhere, like being pulled apart and you beg to jump in the fucking grave with them. At least you would be together, at least you would feel like one person and not suffering edges of a broken earthy thing. And--And you start remembering things you didn’t even know you had mesmerized. I look at the ceiling and remember you saying you’d paint it someday. I look at the kitchen and remember me screaming at you for giving Miracle the rest of the food. I smell Sam’s clothes and started crying because hey, they don’t smell like alcohol. You don’t iron them while drinking anymore, so of course they don’t smell like cheap beer.’’ You are chuckling through the tears and it only makes it more monstrous. ‘’Everything is you now that you are gone. Every man has something similar to you, every garden is green as your eyes, and each step sounds like you are coming home. They didn’t prepare me, not for this.’’ You said breathless. A soft single follows. The knife cuts both ways; the empty breeze and the words hurt. Where's the middle term? Where's the limbo? Where's the only safe place for you to rest your weary head?

Out of nowhere, you blurt out, ‘’I can’t masturbate,’’ I know it’s something stupid and even selfish to say, but I think you’d like to know. I can’t masturbate. That’s a part of the whole losing someone process that people are too ashamed to discuss, or maybe they don’t have the urge to be touched anymore because after someone you love dies, after someone-- the hands who touched are dead and cold, you become a haunted object. That’s how I feel most days, like I’m a haunted house because you touched me and now you’re dead and some days I believe I am too.’’ You look around the places. It's beautiful. It's lonely. It has trees and flowers and green. Not as green as Dean's eyes, but it doesn't matter anymore. He doesn't even have eyes at this point. ‘’Well, I can’t masturbate. I can’t touch myself. And I can’t ask someone else either. I tried and ended up punching the guy, Dean. I swear. I panicked when he was between my legs and just punched his nose. You’d have liked it, you were always the jealous kind. I won’t admit that, but I thought it was kinda hot. Especially when you got possessive in sex.’’ A dirty grin appeared on your lips, the echoes of luxury lasting in your eyes for a brief moment. ‘’I don’t think I can be cared for anymore, honestly. Sam tried to hug me when Miracle died and I… It was like I wasn't there. I got frozen in time, and I live in my sleep. In my nightmares you are alive. I  dream about the day you died every week and I used to wake up screaming, but now those nightmares are the only proof you were alive now that you’re as dead as the police report says this time. It was the most painful, calamitous moment for you and I swear it was a nightmare for me, but then I realized that at least I had you there, egoistical or not, I made my nightmare into a dream.’’ You aren't sure which opinion Dean would have on that. Would he understand? Would he shake his head? You wish you can ask him just this one more thing, just beg him to write it down for you on how to be without him here.

You raise on your feet, glaring at the name craved in the concrete. The tears go by still, although they're as usual as the blood in glir veins at this point. ‘’Death is so silly. What it takes, anyway?" Each word conquers more inches of pure wrath. ''People die because they stumbled on their own feet and hit their head somewhere, or they drove their car too close and too fast to the cliff, or because they were giving birth, or because they dated the wrong person, or because they were hunting a fucking vampire and got impaled. What are the chances? How stupid, and idiotic is death? Always creeping and waiting to bite and chew a piece of you-- Taking every scrap of you from me like that’s its right.’’ You are screaming, starting to kick and punch the tombstone with any piece of straight you have. Your limbs hurt and the blood is visible, but you keep going. ‘’YOUR STUPID DOG DIED, DEAN! AND YOU DIED! AND I DIED! SAMMY DIED! YEAH, IS SAID SAMMY! GO AHEAD, TELL ME ONLY YOU CAN CALL HIM THAT.’’ Another punch, your knuckles are ripped. Another kick, your boot as a hole. ‘’DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.’’ Kick. ‘’SAMMY, SAMMY, SAMMY!’’ A punch to each name. Anything to get a reaction, to get comfort. Anything. ‘’YOU CAN’T BECAUSE YOU ARE DEAD.’’ Gasping for something you don't need anymore, sweet oxygen, your eyes are on the tombstone again. And the definitions. And the trees. Your body is sore and aching. It is the kind and coercion no person wants which you needed; the freedom of feeling outside the exact pain that was inside. ‘’You can’t because you are dead. I’ve been playing some sick games in my mind, you know? Sam stopped hunting and had his closure. He was always better at letting go than you and I, but he’s still hurting. I never saw him hurting so much. I think he knows you won’t come back this time, how could you make us promise something like that?  Well, my twisted game is a bunch of misleading what ifs. What if you hadn’t gone after John? What if you hadn’t gone on that last hunt? What if you had stayed with Lisa? At first I didn’t like her much. Jealous, I admit that. But she grew on me. She gave you something I couldn’t back then and I’ll always be thankful for that. And even though it would rip me apart, I’d rather you to die at sixth after living your suburban dream with her. Have another kid besides Ben, maybe a girl this time, and just have that apple pie life. You and Sam would live close and your kids would always play. They’d be as close as brothers. Maybe I’d get a guy and bring my own kids and we could’ve a barbecue and everyone would be happy. But we don’t get soft epilogues here. It ends how it starts, right? Bloody and desperate. I thought maybe, maybe Lisa could understand what’s going through my head now. I drove to her new address and parked close to her house. I must have spent hours there, thinking if I should come in or not, If she somehow remembered after Castiel died or if I could make her brain work again if I told her the truth. But then I just drove back home and fell asleep wrapped in that stupid lumberjack flannel of yours. The one I always mocked, yeah? She may understand me, but I know you wouldn’t want that. You want her, you want me and Sam to be happy. I don’t know if I can do that, Dean. It’s like myt brittle soul shrewd and my body is just waiting to collapse.’’ You signed, overwhelmed by the battle without an anthem. The victory with no triumph. Is it still a win when you don't have someone to come home too? ‘’Your dog died, it’s the first birthday you didn’t live to see, and I bought all the things you told Mrs Butters you wanted for your birthday because it’s your birthday. I just don’t know how to celebrate it with you dead. People stop counting after they die, right? They just say he’d have been 42 or he died at 41. They give melancholy smiles when they wake up and check the day on their phones and a woe atmosphere swallows them for the rest of the day. Then they get better the next day. I think everyday is your birthday.’’ You attempt to wipe away your tears, which only causes your pulsating hand to stain your face red. ‘’Dean, for the first time, what died stayed dead! Congrats.’’ Once again, a hysterical laugh. ‘’I wish but no. What died didn’t stay dead, you are alive, so alive in my head. I swear you are there some days. I wake and watch the door, so sure you’ll come back. Sam says I’m living in delusion and I have to wake up and keep going since that's what you would want. That's enough to make him keep going, but it only makes me angry. Everyone we know and some strangers looks at me like I'm a house on fire and no longer a warm home, like I'm a car accident. They think I don't notice but I do.’’ You look at your boots, the whole is rolling out blood like your hands. You feel closer to Dean. How sick.

‘’Help, I’m still right where you left me." You plea, his love lingering like a bruise. ''I think gravity is overwhelming and it keeps me here. Sometimes it’s like I’m one of those dusted books Sam used to read. Or those Bukowski ones that you hid, so we wouldn’t see how smart you’re. You tried so hard to hide your intelligence because you didn’t think you were entitled to it. You saw yourself as the protector and never the valuable one for protection. You, the man who made an EMF out of an old radio, who rebuilt the Impala from the ground multiple times, and who knew patterns better than any detective. The man who showed me I could rely on someone other than myself. The dude with a lopsided grin, tough hands and a heart of gold. I miss you so much. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were singing all those classic rock songs and Taylor Swift pop hits, while I drove here. I would think you were home, smelling like guts because you wanted to eat before taking a shower after a hunt. I would think that you are in the Deancave, waiting for me to curl up on your lap to watch Scooby Doo or Doctor Sexy MD until we aren’t watching anymore. If I didn’t know better I would think no death could take you from me. There would be no tear us apart in our vows.’’ The only thing that keeps your organism working is that Dean died knowing how much you loved him. You never let this talk for later or never. No tomorrow is promised. That's a nice comfort, maybe that's what will help you to let go in the future. ‘’But yesterday your stupid, skink dog died and I lost the last living thing that I had from you. You know what’s more angerting? I cried and Sam cried and I noticed we were the living things you left behind and all we have is each other. All your closets of backlogged dreams were left for us-- so yeah. Sam is done hunting and he’s met a lovely girl, and they are moving in like in your domestic dreams. I’m taking care of the family business like your other contradictory dream and making sure Sam is safe enough to be normal. Because I have to, we have too. Stupidly enough, I still wait for the day you’ll burst out the door and tell us to hit the road again. I still watch every episode of your dumb tv shows to make sure I’ll know everything that happened when you ask. I still drive around in your car and close my eyes when the street is calm, only picturing you driving as Baby’s engineers go wild but those are my hands on the steering wheel. If I didn't know better, I’d think you are still around. But I know better. I still feel you all around. I love you.’’

Your monologuing ends as astutely as it stated. You get up, press a kiss to your ruined for the next weeks hands and place it on the rock with writings. You turn around and walk back to the car that you parked near, only in case of Dean wanting to see Baby. How knows? You and your clandestine faith. You lick your lip and get in the car.

You swear you the AC/DC cassette wasn't there before, but when you turn on the car and the radio it starts playing. It's the first true smile that comes to your mouth, it's bloodstained and you look like a shameless woman. With that you can deal.

It hurts a bearable hurt for now. You didn't think it was possible. Maybe someday.

The end.

(she takes a little longer to arive in heaven than sammy. his baby brother says that women are most likely to live around six years more than men. it doesn't ease him up, though. dean waited sam for too long, his platonic soulmate. and now he has to wait his romantic one too? the eldest Winchester considers it the best earthly present when the he sense you around, that smell of orange and apples. it's you, he knows before even turning around. he can't wait to love you again. your name rolls off your tongue so naturally, as if you had seen each other just yesterday: ‘’hey, y/n.’’)

But then again, nothing ever really ends, does it?

REBLOG AND COMMENT. Feedback is magic and helps me!

Starburst's footnote: It just didn't feel right to make an author's note on the top. I wanted it all only to be an arrow to the story. So, this is my side note: it's six am and I'm up writing this after inspiration kissed me with a bruise in the middle of the night. Or more like grabbed my throat. Anyway, I had to write and finish this one to post today, even pushing sleep aside. Hey, we are writers, that's what we do! I've been watching the show since I was eleven and I cried like a baby with the finale. This series was just so important and crucial to molde aspects of relationships for me. The song marjorie by Taylor Swift was used here, and so was the line "you got my devotion/ but man, I can hate you sometimes" by Harry Styles. I told you guys I would use it somewhere! A special thanks to @msmarvelouswinchester​ who helped me with her encouraging and opinon. You are the best! And with all of this I wanna say: Happy bday, Dean Winchester!

REBLOG AND COMMENT! Feedback is magic! Especially about this fic, I’d like to know your opinion. Tags in the reblog! Send an ask or dm to get in the taglist.

[literallyprentissstwin]

Week 6: Monday, June 18th to Sunday, June 24th 2018  

bonjour y´all & welcome to this weeks reading list, which is already week 6 woooow. idk why i´m so motivated currently, it´s not funny anymore. 

oh, and i´m hosting a writing challenge, check it out on my profile. 

as usual, i´ve put together a list with all the fics i´ve read over the week & they were all freaking amazing. those are the once i personally preferred. all the writers are amazing, so don´t be sad if you did not make it on this weeks list. 

i really hope you´ll enjoy & as always, leave some love to the author!

aileen

1.) Drabble/Oneshot by @builder051

okay, i actually hate gideon with a passion, but this broke my poor beating heart. like spence is so so heart broken, i can´t take that. this was so short, bu cute and good. i loved derek in it. good job! 

2.) Survivor - Chapter 3 by @docspencerreid 

hun, please don´t be so hard on yourself. you´re doing a great job here & your fic will get the recognition it deserves, i promise. SO GO READ IT YALL!!!! this chapter was so heartbreaking. but i really love how spencer supports her and is there for her. also that cute lil moment with Garcia, but also Morgan. my heart is swooning. really well done!!! be proud! 

3.) (2) Chess II Criminal Minds by @idkbutspencer 

okay, first things first: username goals???? okay also angst, i love angst. this was really good angst. i enjoyed it a lot. don´t worry about your english, it´s perfect. and this story was freaking amazing, congrats! 

4.) Submission by an Anon, sent to @butsomeofusarelookingatthestars

this was so so beautiful. i loved how Luke wanted the blessing of Y/N´s father. and the end aawwww, so sweet. literally @ the anon writing this: this was so sos so so so good. they are so relationship goals, i´m jealous.

5.) A // Spencer Reid by @spencerthepipecleaner 

okay, i really loved spencer´s casual reaction to what the reader had to say. this is how everybody actually should be. can this be possible??? this was perfect, great work! 

6.) Survivor - Chapter 4 by @docspencerreid 

all the freaking angst, i´m loving it. this chapter was so so good, i can´t deal with it. i can´t wait for more. this story is giving me life! good job! :) you´re awesome! 

7.) Distractions Get You Killed - 1 by @traceyaudette 

okay, woow. ANGST YES. Hotch, i have a question for you: what are you doing man? uuuugh, please. i really can not wait for more. this was so so good & i enjoyed reading it a lot. great work! 

8.) Hiding Something - Aaron Hotchner Imagine by @fly-on-my-sweet-angel 

i love me some good hotch fics, and yours was a shorty, but i loved it with my whole heart. this was cute & sweet af. i love Dad!Hotch a whole lot and i miss him tons. well done. :) 

9.) Secrets II Spencer Reid by @alittlelessthanfandomimagines

okay, this? SO SO GOOD. it actually deserves a second part, really. like it would fit, but only if you want it to continue, just saying. i loved it, it was so well written. the emotions were delivered in a perfect way, i could feel them all the back here over to germany. well done! great job:) 

10.) Lunch Break by @ionlyreadfivebookslastweek 

oooh spencer, i love you my man. i also loved the readers and dereks relationship and friendship here. and how jealous reid was hahahah. but the end was so sweet aww. 

11.) Safety (Spencer Reid x Reader) by @speedreiding 

woowww. mind blown, i´m serious. this story was a good kind of different. like usually, it´s the reader who gets hurt or stuff. but it was interesting to see it the other way around & i liked it a lot. i loved how the reader took careof reid, it was so good awww. my poor baby! very well written! 

12.) The Best Birthday Party Ever by @tenaciousarcadeexpert 

ooooo this was so so cute. i want to celebrate my bdays with the team yes please. i´m loving it. the team is fucking friendship goals. great work! 

13.) Regrets and Sorrows by @the-criminal-soldier 

ooookay, i already gave you feedback to this but i´m gonna gladly repeat myself. first of all, this was the first entry to my 600 followers celebration challenge and let me tell you, this was so so good. my mind was blown. i´m so happy omg. how can angst make someone this happy lol? this story was a legit masterpiece. the angst = perfect!!! we legit need a second part to this istg (only if you want to lol i just think it could fit here.) great job! 

14.) V-E-T-S by @butsomeofusarelookingatthestars

this was adoreable. luke, my homeboy. all shy and cute and awwww. this whole story was so cute uugh, my heart is full of love for this. Roxy is my number 1 love tho. :) well done! 

15.) target by @uncomfie 

ok first of all, can you share some of your talent with me? thanks! then, this story has me on the edge of my seat. i legit can´t wait for the next part. derek and y/n better be okay ugh. if you wouldn´t mind, could you please tag me in your fics? i really really love them :) great work! 

16.) Redemancy by @xocriminal-minds-imaginesxo 

awww it started with some angst which turned into fluff. it´s so obvious that Luke has the hots for Ella duuuh. i can´t wait for more. i loved the ending. this whole part was really good. well done :) 

17.) Survivor - Chapter 5 by @docspencerreid  

you know how much i love your story :) the angst is getting heavier from chapter to chapter, i´m loving it <3 the reader is so so brave and fearless and so willing to fight. i admire her so much! the end, oh lord. my poor heart. poor spencer! again, great job! 

18.) I Did Something Bad by @ionlyreadfivebookslastweek 

aww you with the username goals, hi. i love your writings. this one was so so cute. i´m still sitting here and “aww” - ing about it. i´m crying. spence is me, like literally i would burn the whole freaking house down if i would try to cook (not to mention cook and multitask lol). but the thought was so cute and kind. they are relationship goals, without question. 

19.) No Explanation by @abcreid 

okay, so the beginning of this story was all cute and fluffy and happy, but then the turn...wow. there was some deep angst into this and especially the end had me at the edge of my seat. but i totally get the reader...spencer, you better solve this! great work! 

20.) Catch Up (Spencer Reid x Reader) by @generallynerdy 

ok, this was SWEET awwww i´m in love. spencer was so cute omg. i also loved derek & penelope in this. they are goals!!!!! this is a great story & your writing style is amazing! well done!

21.) Stuffed Comfort by @reid-fiction 

awww also some cute spencer stuff, i´m crying. you´re all blessing me with your talent. okay this was so cute and there is actually nothing bad about having stuffed animals, like i myself still have them in my room, so what? spencer is such an amazing and understanding bf. he´s perfect (what else is new?). well done! 

22.) Healing Together by @dontshootmespence

ok...omg the angst...like omg. “you might be morgan´s baby girl but you´re one of my best friends.” - brb crying. the end----awwwwwwww i don´t really ship them, but this was beyond cute ugh :)())))) my heart is happy! i just loved everything about this, really. i would totally be fine with the season finale continueing like this. great work, nicole :))))

23.) Their Blood is on Your Hands by @marvelfanlife 

ok this fic here was a piece for my challenge which is currently running around on here :) and let´s just say this was perfection! first of all: it´s a matt fic my heart is swooning. the friendship between him and emily is so so pure i´m in love. it was so perfectly angsty and i loved the plot! great job & thanks again for joining! 

24.) Wasted Time by @dontshootmespence 

awww another fic for my challenge, this time it´s a tara one. and let´s just say it´s about tara just being an independent badass woman who´s able to stand up for herself and takes no shit from any man. i loved this plot and what you made of the prompt. the end broke my heart tho, my pure babe. the angst was def there and i enjoyed reading it. thanks for participating! :) 

25.) I´ve Got You by @therealtrashhere

angst overload wooow. mind blown. the relationship between hotch, reid & the reader is goals, i´m loving it. this plot was really good, some heavy angst, but only mentioned, but really good. i´ve felt all the emotions and the end had my heart melting! well done :) 

26.) Redemancy Pt.2 by @xocriminal-minds-imaginesxo 

part 2 was so good. i can´t wait for the next one bc i need to see where this relationship thingy between ella and luke is going. like the tension is so so there. also JJ OMG wtf is wrong :D this part had me in tears :) i really enjoyed reading this :) 

27.) Mermaid (Spencer Reid x Reader) by @generallynerdy 

cute cute cute. i´m loving it. the end was adoreable, the whole thing actually was. but rossi omg daddy spaghetti, i love you so much, he´s always so done with his kids. great job! 

28.) Anniversary >> Spencer Reid by @eideticreid 

with this masterpiece, i wanna close this weeks list bc holy shit i´m shook. the reader is so so freaking strong and i admire her so much. and specner, can he finally get the award for cutest bf of the year? he is always so supportive and caring. this fic was everything and it´s the perfect end to a perfect week! great job, well done! :) 

this has been this week´s list. i really hope you enjoyed all the fics as much as i did. don´t forget to leave love to the authors. also if you wanna join my challenge, i still have a few prompts left :) 

see you next week! 

[sunnysidewrites]

Best Friends to Lovers!Seokmin

HAHAHA THAT’S RIGHT FOLKS!!!!!! I PULLED THIS SHIZ ON YALL!!!1!11!! this is part 2 of seokmin’s bday present. and yes i know im over a month late leAVE ME ALONE!! THIS IS THE FIRST BULLETPOINT AU OF 2018!!! AND YES ITS AT THE END OF MARCH!!! FORGIVE ME CHILDREN!!!! i had SOOOO much fun writing this but maybe a bit too much bc i think i went overboard,,, but i cant help it that he needs so much love!!!

this is THE. LONGEST. BULLETPOINT. AU. I’VE. EVER. WRITTEN. it has definitely surpassed assassin!cheol pt 2 by a long shot and im a little concerned honestly bc i go OFF whenever i talk about my biases, especially the underrated ones. (wonwoo, you’ll get your turn one day wait for me bby)

happy bday to my sunshine pt 2. i love you so much that words will never be able to express it, even as a writer who writes as a hobby and has to Put Things Into Words. you’ve been such an amazing influence not only on the members, but also on carats and other diverse fans. i’ve always believed the saying that the brightest smiles hold the most pain, and i may not know all of your struggles, but i know how much you have to hide behind this idol front. we love you unconditionally, so please keep shining for us. also allow yourself to be sad and other negative emotions, but there must be darkness in order for the light to be appreciated, right? thank you for being the ball of sunshine we so deeply love. 💕💕💕

warnings: might give you diabetes on how soft and sweet i was feelin!!! as a double bias, it is hard to give everyone equal love so this is the 1 time i could fully dive into it!! also seokmin is a flirty and jealous drink sipper

Part 1: Be There In Spirt

Seokmin was your go-to for anything and everything

Whether it was to find a movie buddy or seeking advice, he was always there

You first met him at some social event your friend dragged you to

“So you can talk to more people!” Your friend would respond when you asked why

You really didn’t care much, if at all, for parties unless someone you’re acquaintanced with was also there

Your friend was too occupied with other people, so you just grabbed some food and juice and settled yourself in the kitchen

Someone entered the door and you could hear the volume of his muffled voice even from the other side of the door before he entered

You were just chilling at the countertop with your back to him and munching on your tortilla chips with salsa that you didn’t care who entered

He noticed that you were the only one there and you were eating and occasionally sighing mood tho

As he was opening his soda, he asked you pointedly, “is the food good, at least?”

You were startled and slightly jumped at the sudden sound of someone’s voice

You turned around to be greeted with the goofiest yet brightest smile

Is it possible to see that bright of a smile or one at all when someone’s drinking? Bc he definitely made it work

You just finished swallowing your food and merely brushed your hands and shrugged, “it’s pretty bland like this party,” which earned a heart laugh from the boy

“You got dragged here, too?” You nodded and cracked a smile. “What, was the whole antisocial ‘take refuge in food’ act a dead giveaway?”

He smiled and lightly chuckled, “that, and how you were muttering about getting dragged here as you munched on your chips,” he gestured to your now empty plate

“Hey, correction — I said that I was brought here against my will”

“Like that’s such a big difference,” he says with a smile on his lips as he finishes up his soda

“And it’s not every day that I meet a cool, tortilla-chip-eating person at a social, but maybe I would let myself get dragged out more often”

You kinda stared back at him and slowly blinked bc like

Was that a hint of flirtation in his tone or were you just that self-centered?

Maybe best of both worlds

You raised an eyebrow at him, “you want to see a loner at the snack table?”

“It’s easier to approach you or anyone like this, isn’t it?” He flashes another one of his infamous pearly grins and reaches in your bowl to steal a chip and pops it in his mouth

You jokingly say, “Oh, you think we’re friends now?”

He laughs throatily and puts his hands up in defense

“I think we’re past the stage of bonding over stale chips and salsa at this point”

And you’re cut off shortly when his rowdy group of friends interrupts the friendly banter y’all had rip :(((

Those darn cockblockers

“I’ll see you around, Tostitos,” he throws in a wink and gives you a short wave as he backs away from the door and leaves you as quickly as he entered

You shake your head and look at the sad, crinkled bag of chips and salsa

“Did he just nickname me after a brand of this stale party food??????”

What an iconic first impression tbh bless

Ever since then he would have this weird nickname system of naming you after foods you would eat to make fun of you or just joke around

“Cheer up, cheese puff!” ok this actually sounds kinda cute and now I’m soft :’(((

“Be there or be square, you pretzel”

You: “that didn’t even make any sense”

“Don’t be salty” ba dum tss

“Can you help me out, (peanut) butter cup?”

“Whatever you say, nerd...s”

“Okay you’re not getting any of my other candy then, seok”

He’s the only one out of your friend group — actually just everyone in general — to yell directly into your ear as a greeting

He calls it “cute”………………….. ok seok

But it’s ok bc he gives out the best hugs

Or maybe it’s just the best to you heheh ;)))

Invented!! Bear!! Hugs!!

The best ones that crush your lungs and you can barely wheeze out a breath

Your ideal hang out session with him involves screaming at the top of your lungs while playing Mario Kart and having a whole junk food feast sprawled out on the coffee table

“bRO YOU MADE ME SWERVE”

“GET OUT YOU’RE IN MY WAY”

Bonus: the chips and candy are also sometimes used to pelt at each other

It’s honestly more of a damn jungle when y’all are together it’s amazing LMAO

The type to crash at your place unannounced whenever he wants

You would open the door and he would just stroll in and look through your fridge like he’s lived there all his life

“WHY are you going through my fridge??? You need to go home, I have things to do today”

“Eh, we can just work alongside together—you’re running low on juice”

“Imma juice you boi if you don’t leAVE”

Your friend group most likely carries a pair of earplugs whenever you’re together

But underneath their rolling of eyes, they lowkey highkey ship the hell outta y’all

They even sometimes drop gigantic hints for you to get together but,,, things don’t exactly go their way

“Hey, Seokmin, my parents are having a barbecue this weekend. Maybe bring a plus one? Like uhhhhhh Y/N?” Real subtle

And he’d be like “what, Y/N??? Why would we need a plus one??? Aren’t we all going together anyways?”

The same thing happens on your end too smh

“My cousin is having a birthday party, you wanna come with? You can bring a date or whatever, probably Seokmin or something”

“Seok??? He would probably burn the place down HAHA but ya I guess I can bring him *shrug*”

And every time, both of you would ask: “but why (that other person)??? I can bring (insert another random member)”

GET A CLUE BABES!!! OH MY LORD

And they would just shake their head like sigh look at these naive kids

Mingyu: so are we just gonna let them be dumb like this orrrr????

Cheol: yeah let’s just leave them alone — nO THEY DON'T SEE HOW PERFECT THEY ARE TOGETHER WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING I’m with u on that one cheols

So this is the O Great Seungcheol’s plan: make each other jealous without knowing y’all would get jealous

A foolproof plan, amiright folks????

And what other cliche perfect way to do that than a WEDDING

it just so happens that Seokmin’s aunt is conveniently getting married and he’s inviting the whole crew

And the guys are like mwHAHAHA THIS IS PERFECT

Everyone’s talking about who’s bringing who as a date and things like that and you’re just chilling and scrolling on your phone

And everyone’s making eyes at each other without you knowing bc they’re like ok y’all time to initiate I Still Get Jealous Plan

“how about you, Y/N? who are you taking?”

And Seokmin subconsciously wants to know too bc he’s tuning in with the rest of them LOL

And you don’t even bother looking up at your screen bc that’s how indifferent you are to this whole thing

“I don’t really care, I guess anyone who doesn’t have a date or something”

Seokmin is about to open his mouth and ask you since that’s your usual thing

BUT SHOCKER!! SOMEONE BEATS HIM TO IT!!

“How about going with me? I don’t have anyone”

And you expected Seokmin to say those words, but you look up and see Jeonghan smile at you

THE LOOK OF B E TR A YA L ON SEOKS FACE DID THE TEMPERATURE JUST DROP BC IT IS C O L D IN HERE

Admittedly, you feel a little odd going with someone who’s your best friend and go-to for everything but hannie is your friend, so you don’t mind too much

So you’re like “o-oh sure that works”

And you steal a glance at seok but he has an unreadable expression and is smiling like usual

And for some reason you feel your chest drop just the slightest bit bc you thought he would at least fight for you a little bit and say something like

“heY HEY Y/N IS MY GO-TO FOR THESE THINGS”

But he doesn’t at all,,, and his lips looked a little strained when he smiled

and jeonghan is looking all slyly at seok bc he knows just a minute ago he could feel the back of his head being burned off by Seokmin’s glare

The convo picks up from where it previously left off and things are back to normal but the atmosphere is a little heavy

The day of the wedding comes and you’re about to finish dressing up

You’re waiting for half of them to pick you and meeting the other half at the venue

And ofc, in this half includes seok and jeonghan yikes

You hear your doorbell ring, and you’re like oh they’re here!! You say bye to your parents and put on your coat and shoes

When you open the door, you find yourself in front of Jeonghan and he’s like holy crAP

He’s awestruck and is looking at you like :OOOOO

“Jeonghan! Uhhh,,,, do I look weird???”

And he snaps out of it and is violently shaking his head like nO NO N O ofc not you look amazing

And you’re like heck yea I do I spent time looking this good :)))) (you don’t actually say this but it’s a thought)

and you get a funny feeling in your stomach and you realize you’re anticipating what Seokmin would think

If you got a good response from your “date,” surely your best friend would say smth good too??? Right??? That’s how this works???

Little did you know Seokmin (and everyone else) witnessed what happened and they’re like oMG Y/N LOOKS GOOD

Seokmin couldn't help but feel it should be him in Jeonghan’s shoes but he couldn’t refute the fact that you did indeed look like a million bucks

As you get in the car you lock eyes with him and you’re like hey Seokmin!!!

But you’re instantly b l o w n away by how CRISP HE LOOKS

His brown hair that’s usually sitting down and hides his forehead is now slicked back but in a way that still stands up and exposes more of his forehead and outlines his masculine face shape

His sharp suit perfectly fits on his toned body and you’re fully convinced you’re looking at an angel

YALL KNOW WHAT LOOK IM TALKING ABOUT. YOU KNOW.

You have to actually hold back a squeak bc you’re shook af

And he’s dying bc of how cute you are and wow are his palms sweaty???

You end up sitting in the middle of him and jeonghan and you’re just sitting happily and waiting to see what kinda food is at the wedding lmAO

but the real meal here is you eh??? Eh??? ;))))

Seokmin seems a little nervous and tense sitting next to you looking that good like he’s actually a little intimidated

You’re waiting for him to speak up and he’s clearing his throat and stammering a little bit

“Y-you look really nice, Y/N”

And you’re like ahahahhahhdgdhhhcjdbdhhd

“Thanks, seok, you clean up really nicely too”

And both of you can’t look each other in the eyes bc you’re gonna actually combust if you do

And everyone in the car is looking at each other like hehehhehehehh it’s workinggggg

When y’all finally arrive at the venue, you get out of the van with the help of Jeonghan’s hand

Seokmin: conceal don’t feel :))) channel your inner Elsa man :))))

And jeonghan is glancing back at Seokmin every so often to test him

And Seokmin is starting to catch on like ,,,, why is hannie always looking at me

He tests him even more when he casually holds your shoulder and drapes his arm around you

And Seokmin is like !!! ELSA WHERE ARE U

Jeonghan is being a little too touchy in seok’s eyes and Seok is silently fuming over the drinks

Soonyoung is like dude I can feel your dark energy all over my soup what’s up with you???

Seok is about to explode at this point and anything can set him off

“isn’t Jeonghan being just a little too touchy-feely with Y/N? That looks like borderline harassment. They’re not even dating!”

And soonyoung is silently laughing bc he’s like oh you fool lmao

“You sound a little too overprotective over your best friend. Well — if that’s really the reason why you are”

“Of course I’m just worried — dID YOU SEE THAT ARE THEY FEEDING EACH OTHER”

Soonyoung: u need help bro

“Steal a dance with her later” soonyoung says and seok is like uh what Im not gonna make a fool out of myself

All soonyoung does is shrug and winks and he goes back to eating

Soon enough the dancing portion begins and jeonghan takes you out to the dance floor

And it’s nice bc you’re just having pure fun and dancing goofy moves, not to mention Jeonghan is great company

But you’re a little disappointed you and seok weren’t able to talk and have fun the way y’all usually do

Jeonghan has sensed this the whole day and he says “I’ll be out of your hair soon enough”

You’re taken aback by his statement and you’re like “what no you were really fun to be around tonight!!”

And he laughs and ruffles your hair like “no need to cover it up. I knew this would provoke him” and you both look across the room where seokmin is standing alone, sipping on his drink as he pretends he wasn’t just looking at you dancing for the past ten minutes

The upbeat song transitions to a slower song and jeonghan pats you on the shoulder

“Here’s lover boy’s cue ;)))” and he bends down to your ear and whispers

“But I could stay here longer and mess around with him a little longer”

You push him away laughing and say “let’s not torture the poor guy any more than you already have”

Both of you are laughing and SURPRISE SEOKMIN APPEARS

and he claps his hand on hannie’s shoulder and says “May I?”

And jeonghan nods and looks between the both of you and is all ;)) have fun kiddos and winks at you right before he leaves

And now there were only 2

You didn’t realize you would be so nervous until your heartbeat nearly spiked up when he came into contact with you

DHHDHDJDJ SORRY IM FREAKING OUT WRITING THIS WOWIEURJ SCREAMS

It’s good I’m good we’re good this is good

His cheeks are tinted pink as he attempts but fails to make eye contact with you once again

He gently takes your hands and places them around his neck and then places his own around your waist

It’s only at this moment that you’re able to make proper eye contact for possibly the first time that entire day

You’re slowly moving to match the slow tempo and you can feel your face getting hotter in the heat of the moment

It stays intimate and silent for a few moments before the both of you try to break the silence

“Umm,,” “So,,,”

Androgen you laugh at how awkward you’re both getting

“This is probably the first time we’re not screaming for the whole area to hear”

He chuckles and nods slowly

“I think my breath is just taken away” he says so softly that the music could have drowned his voice out if it weren’t for the close proximity of you and him

and you’re like ??? By what??? Are you feeling ok??

“By you”

And you’re like bLUUUSSSSHHHing big time

“A-ah, stop it, I only tried to look a little more presentable today,,,,”

Jeonghan somewhere in the distance: that’s not what you told me this morning!!

“You always look beautiful no matter what”

And now you’re at a complete loss of words bc well how do you respond to your best friend who’s shooting compliments one after the other so easily????

You’re desperately trying not to melt into a puddle in his arms but it’s a little hard

“You’re charming as always, Lee” and he’s like ;)) ofc ofc

“You’re a good-looking fellow yourself, not just me. Have you seen the girls who were drooling over you today??”

He blankly blinks at you and shakes his head

“Well, I didn’t notice actually. All of my eyes were on you tonight,,,,,”

FUCUEHEYDH IM SCREWMJRN IM SC REA MIN F

You’re a full fledged tomato by now and you’re trying to bury your face in his chest so that you could save face from this horrid embarrassment

“Okay, tone it down, Seok,,,, I cant handle all of this complimenting for a night”

He laughs and pulls you closer to his chest, his grip on your waist a little more secure

“I don’t know where this is all coming from either, but now that it is, I might as well say it all”

“What was that drink earlier???”

“I swear I’m 100% sober rn ask soonyoung!! Anyways, I didn’t think much of anything when I first met you honestly, but looking back at it, I think there was already some bit of attraction since then”

“You liked me when I was eating chips and salsa??? Really???” You look up at him incredulously

“It may not be the most flattering moment, but it was cute how you were hunched over your bowl LOL”

You: lemme just DIE

“If Jeonghan weren’t your date today, I’m not sure if I would have ever realized this. Maybe at some point, but at a much later time. I think it would have consumed me anyways”

He notices you’ve gone quiet and he’s like oh lord what if I messed up omgofkfkkf

“So,,,, yeah,,, i get it if you don’t feel the same way,,, I don’t wanna make things weird if you’re uncomfortable knowing this,,, but it was made crystal clear tonight that I really like you more than a best friend. I think I always have”

And you’re breaking out into giggles bc you realize how dumb you’ve both been

And he’s like !!!???!!!! why are you laughing omg I’ve done it you think I’ve gone mad

“tbh Seokmin I was disappointed that you weren’t my date since you usually would fight the members if they asked me”

“I kinda thought maybe I’ve been forcing you to do it too much with me?? and the other guys and you can do whatever you want”

“Seokmin, we’re best friends i would have picked you in a heartbeat”

And he’s like skdjjdjh is it suddenly hot in here it’s just you ;)))

“But as for the feelings…… it is weird”

He’s like oh :((,,, yeah I knew it would be kinda weird—

“—that we’ve liked each other all this time and it took us this long to realize it through some dumb wedding date thing”

And his face immediately lights up and you’re about to clutch your heart by how pure he is :’))))

He almost blinds you with his smile and he pulls you in so that your slow dancing position turns into a hug and he’s giggling into your hair and is spinning you around

*INHALES DEEPLY* MY GOD SOMEONE PROTECT THIS PURE BUN IM GONNA CRY I LOVE HIM SM

You can't help but giggle with him since his laugh is so infectious and you’re both a bubbly giggling mess my lord I think I just got diabetes

Poor baby was deathly scared you were gonna reject him but he’s so relieved you didn’t!!! :’))))!!!!!!

He slowly pulls apart from the hug and you’re both looking at each other hesitantly, bashfully

and In The Moment all you’re thinking about is how warm and how right it feels to be in his arms

You’re both still in your hugging position, his arms wrapped around your upper back/shoulders and your arms around his torso

You’re a little out of breath because of all the laughing and spinning, and both his and your eyes flicker to the other’s lips

You’re not sure who leaned in first but the next thing you know, your faces are only centimeters apart, his hand on your cheek

And then you feel something warm and soft on your lips

Holy hELL, am I really kissing Seokmin???!!! You’re silently freaking out and it’s just like

Your brain: ⁉️⁉️‼️‼️⚠️⚠️⚠️

You can feel his smile against your lips as he lightly tugs you closer to him and engulfs you in his embrace

But your mind gets fuzzier with every passing second so you let yourself enjoy the moment

Until you hear distant cheering in the back

“yyyYYYEESSS WE DID IT BOYS FREAKING FI NA L L Y”

You and Seokmin pull away and look back like wtf is happening

Sure enough, the other 12 guys are whooping and cheering and you would have thought it was your own wedding

,,,,refer to husband!seokmin

Seokmin’s just like “wait y’all planned this???”

Jeonghan: ya it was so fun teasing you this past week lmao you’re welcome tho :))))

Seokmin: I’m gonna eat your share of ice cream for the next month :))))

And everyone’s just like “y’all literally took years to realize this you should thank us uhhh”

Seokmin’s about to open his mouth to spout out some more objections but you tiptoe to peck him on the lips to make him shut up

“eeeEW UGHH nvm I already regret doing this”

“Seungcheol I will eat your share of ice cream too”

On the ride back home, you’re both comfortably leaning on each other, your head on his chest and his on top of yours

You’re so worn out that you sleep the whole way back home

Bonus: the guys in the car are giggling softly and take secret pics

Extra bonus: they taunt you both and use it as blackmail but in reality they’re jealous and want you to use it as your phone wallpaper

Extra extra bonus: he gives you a goodnight kiss at the front of your door and the guys scream in disgust and hurry him to return home :’)))))

ICONIC COUPLE OF THE FREAKIFN CENTURY OH NY GODHD!!!!! I LOV!!!!! MY PURE CINNAMON ROLLS!!!!!

[alyjojo]

Someone I have had on my mind lately: my ex fiancé, Daniel.

Why: because I’m reading a book about this amazing guy that’s graduating from his seminary in order to be a pastor, and the girl feels awkward, uncomfortable and not good enough. And that is literally my story with Daniel.

May as well stop reading here.

The book says nothing about this on the back, I don’t try to pick things that make me reflective. On the contrary, I try to avoid all of that if possible thx.

Once upon a time: my ex turned into the biggest jackass alive and I hated him with every fiber of my being, in between tears 🙄

I did something I’d never do again, but wouldn’t tell someone not to do either?? My best friend made me get a Facebook, back when it was mostly college kids and I didn’t know that. I had a MySpace ok wtf do I need this thing for. *insert laughs*

So while on this new...thing, I was determined to meet new people. A guy. A better guy than the douchebag that stared at his watch for 4+ years. First I prayed, deeply. Help me find the right one that’s gonna make me forget this other asshole...whew lord I hated him.

I don’t remember what I typed or how I ever found him, but whatever it was, he was the first. Public page. All I saw was he was in college. Super cute and just seemed interesting, unlike anyone I’d ever known. Liked things I’d never heard of. Added him, and honestly expected rejection or nothing at all.

Funny things about my Astro chart: Scorpio 7th. This guy pulled me like a moth, Scorpio. Aries moon and rising. How in the how I have no idea. How was he single? Later...how would we ever work...

He immediately blew up my inbox flirting after adding me back, and the poking, waving, flirting thing when everyone did it, that was constant, always sending me funny videos of things I’d never seen before but loved.

He was, in every sense, 100% perfect. Looks, attitude, romantic, so ungodly (probably more godly though fr...) sweet it was almost kinda nauseating if you’re not used to it...which I wasn’t. At all.

He worked at the best children’s hospital in the city. He volunteered to hold sick babies, after his shift. He called me on his breaks and insisted I join him for lunch, every shift. He introduced me to all of his friends. He lived on campus in the most beautiful seminary I’ve ever seen. He brought me flowers every time I saw him. He seemed to not need sleep ever because he was stuck on me like glue all hours.

The church thing didn’t bother me at first. I went to an event with him and watched him...he was incredible. It started sinking in slowly. I was too in love with everything I saw & felt that was new.

My bffs bday came and we all went to a party. Had some (a lot) drinks. Idk how it came up, I think as a joke. Someone said so when are you two getting married. And he asked me. I thought he was joking, so I laughed and said absolutely. We’d been dating I think exactly 2 months at that point 😳

Next day. He has me pick out a ring. And I’m like wowww you mean...you really mean it. And I picked out a ring not even thinking really...it was the most incredible road I was walking down, without any of the substance that should’ve been happening inside my own self.

A week later and I guess dad was stalking my MySpace because for our Xmas visit he’s like “have anything you want to tell me?” 🤨

Emphasis on the 🤨 bc that’s his real face

I’m like no 👀 Becauseeee idk. I knew. Something.

So I meet his family. They are incredible. All of them. Accomplished, educated, so amazingly nice all of the time, and brilliant...they all played piano and sang Broadway musical songs in their living room. I was elated. And ashamed. I didn’t belong there, and that gnawing feeling only kept growing. All the inside of my head kept telling me on repeat is “you can’t be a preacher’s wife, who tf are you trying to fool?”

My friend at the time scolded me daily. “DO YOU LOVE HIM??” To my “well...I sure the hell want to” and she’s like “omggg NO, you’re making the biggest mistake, NO”.

Beautiful beautiful boy. I broke his heart the next month. I had to, I felt. I cried too much over my assholier than thou ex to be serious. That serious. Wayyy too serious. So instead I lived out my self proclaimed prophecy of being a douchebag.

Shortly after my friend posted a picture of my much older former boss, to which I had something inappropriate to say to HER not knowing they were friends 🤡 He was in my DMs by midnight...he was in the middle of a divorce and the mistress was...the actual mistress and she was fn crazy so...not having to have that title of drama starter or anything solid, that started quick as a flash. That was just supposed to be fun with no strings, and it was, mostly. That was the whole appeal. I liked that he was (is?) a douchebag, we shared a sort of kinship in that respect. He’s the reason I ever went back to that job, and the only reason I ever met my husband. He’s also the reason I liked my husband so much.

He is Gemini/Cancer with Leo Mars. I tend to have great relationships with both Gemini sims and Cancer moons, though separately. And Cancer moon is so gah damn manipulative. I was so alienated by the bs that the friendship part drowned. Can’t have both. Are you full of shit or is there something, it’s a constant game, which I learned rather quickly. I’d say it was off and on but it never really turned off or on, it just was. Like one egg in that basket, for the yolo.

Hubby is Aqua/Sag with my own Mars, heavy Cap. Polar Opposite.

Could not be more opposite.

And I felt 100% myself, safe, loving...right feels right. It had been some years by the time.

I have no regrets, except not seeing it sooner. My experiences led me the way I was supposed to go.

But I’ll always feel a little sad when I read this book, or am otherwise (quite rarely) reminded of Daniel. I wish I’d have never found him. I don’t think I ever could have believed someone so genuine & wonderful could even exist if I hadn’t though.

[coffeeselfies]

This is technically the “I think I need coffee,” selfie, but it’s been so long since I’ve posted that I figured anything was better than nothing.

I’m still trying to sleep through the inspiration of a very wonderful Bob Goff.

I. love. him.

But on to darker things, like my not-so-distant past!

Hahaha. So I was looking for an old assignment I e-mailed myself, and instead found a bunch of cryptic-heavy things I had texted one of my rarely used e-mails from my phone.

So of course I’m going to put them together, here, since I will probably just lose them otherwise. And because everyone on the internet loves reading the things I e-mail to, well, myself (WAIT, DO I NOT HAVE FRIENDS, WHAT IS MY LIFE). :p

4/12/12 - A veces no quiero hablar Por Nada con mis amigos. Solamente, "Hoy me dice ,estas loca, pero le esta loco a Juan!" Y mas Nada. Yo quiero hablar about cosas lejas. Ayer y Hoy hable con jean y veronika, solamente small talk primer. Pero despues, yo decido hablar about the things which I was.actually thinking about lately, the deeper layers. My thoughts were kind of awkward. Random. But I'm so glad I did, it lead to such good convos! As if, although my own thoughts or specific revelation (another one about love, of course), but led to true, sincere convos from the heart. Yes! Thank you, Lord. It's funny how I won't open up and ill get frustrated at the lack of depth in a conversation, yet really all I need to do in some cases is just jump right into the true issues. Ahh small talk kills me.

3/4/12 - He asked us a few questions: Who are you using?

How are you using them?

Physically. Sexually. Emotionally. Spiritually. Monetarily.

How can you restore that? Who's using you? Do you love money, and use people?

Or do you love people, and use money?

5/9/12 I think my id and superego are in conflict... I prefer that psychological term to saying that right vs wrong or my flesh is in rebellion, I guess. I just want to do all sorts of things that aren't of God, and i don't even know what to do. I think I need to just remember that life is short, and not about what I want. I'm getting too caught up in the worldly details, my visions going, my path, every time I think I'm expanding it, is getting more and more limited. Goodnight, from post Dave n busters with cartel, post umsl, going to school tmrw. 

5/17/12 - "Can you keep a secret?" I should have realized by now that this question should be answered with fear and heaviness rather than curiosity.

5/29/12 - I dreamt that, after they thought I had left, my parents started fighting. Loudly, viciously, hatefully. I came down shouting, 'stop it, stop it!!' But their heads were already covered in blood, as I'd they were going to kill eachother. I never found out if they stopped or not, because dad called to me in real life from the other room. At first I wondered if I had really been shouting, and that's why he had contacted me, but no, it was just about bulk trash being today. Something sounds like its gnawing on something, I can hear and feel the vibrations of it through my pillow. Creepy. 

6/4/12 - I have always been a compassionate person – making little houses for wounded snakes and worms – befriending the kid who’s got no one but himself for company, partnering with the girl who doesn’t really speak English. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve recognized that God has been faithful in granting me patience, mercy, and grace as well, and I know that these are not my own,  but I am meant to share them with the very people God has give me a heart for – the downtrodden, broken, and outcast, and ultimately just humanity in general.  This has, more or less, been my (more recent) life pursuit. To follow God’s Will for my life, regardless of where it takes me. So far that has meant giving hope to weary and often lost travelers of Amsterdam, mentoring at risk juveniles and raising awareness for human trafficking in Los Angeles, running English and Summer-School programs for Chinese immigrants in New York City, training and creating jobs for families in Haiti, as well as hosting events and creating opportunities for girls to leave brothels , learning how to run a business in Mexico while also helping out at various orphanages for disabled Children, and even just being there for my own family and friends when they’ve needed it most. It has meant months of Ministry Training schools, years of living in International Community Houses, working in roles that range from administration, to construction, to managerial, and an ever growing reliance on and relationship with Jesus Christ.I’ve been back in Saint Louis for a year now,

7/1/12 - Today started strangely, my head still a little blurry from the wine from the night before. I went to church, very late, where daren had a cupcake waiting for me. Why? Because Tuesday I had admitted I had experienced some downer bdays and he realized that it was my half birthday. Mom came, cried, we hugged, went to the church picnic.. I went home, told dad about her accident, and he just started weeping, so hard that his nose began to.bleed. I stroked his hair and.got a bit teary eyed.and then we got.on our knees and prayed... Later was feeling down and missing Luke, but jean got me out.

11/11/12 - And with your hands in the air, your feet barely touching ground, I take that smile to mean that life is finally turning 'round. And we laugh til we cry and we dance til we cant, and I feel free as can be each time I see that gleam in your eye. Then the secrets come out and its less about being blessed and more about a high. So when you're dancing I'm wondering if that's you, and when you're singing, I know you would be singing.the blues... But that gleam in your eye, well really its more of a glaze all along, I just saw what I wanted as you,strung me along. 

12/20/12 -

Well the queens off her throne Hiding in a stairwell Feet strewn about the stairs Seeming barely aware That her kingdom awaits The king, divorced long ago He's crying Where's his iron fist? Seems he's traded it for sentiment "Pathetic!" He might self accuse If only his tears would let him Seems everything's a dream these days, Some hellish, some sweet But all 

--

I used to find the idea of receiving a text in the middle of the night strange.

Now, after years of practice, I find it comforting, perhaps a reminder that I am not so alone as I would feel.

I hadn't realized this, of course, until now.

Now, when I wake up to nothing but darkness and my own thoughts.

Now, when, regardless of whether I toss myself awake at 2am or 4am, there is no message.

There's nothing to reassure me that there's another person in this world who is awake and eager to share a moment, even a small, electronic message with me.

1/11/13 - Today Gave my testimony. Adopt a block, played ninja. Eva likes hanging out with Christians. I break rules and have real convos with the disciples. Play bs. Go to angelus temple. Do food distribution. Met hosea who talked to us because he thought I was pretty, was super catholic, thought tim was my bf, etc etc etc

1/29/13 - Oh hi, I'm feeling cold and pathetic, and thought I would ... Email myself. That seems fitting. Somehow emailing yourself feels much more pathetic than just journaling. Right now I feel like I wish anyone, absolutely anyone , would sit down across from me. Even the old creepy man who, after asking a few non essential questions, left me for the warmth of the indoors, or... I don't know, a donut. Why do I feel like this.Lord? Is it because I am not so busy in school? Is it because Adam moved and despite the fact that I was barely hanging out with him last semester anyway, he was a crutch, and knowing that at 1am when I feel pathetic and lonely and confused, I can't even text someone I know would care? I mean. I know others would care. But we aren't exactly on that level just yet. What is my life? Why am I this way, and why do I want attention for it? Or why do I feel the need to find someone who would , what, save me ? From myself.? From my thoughts? Why am I seeking comfort in shallow things, the wings of friends and acquaintences and , frick, anything. Whywhywhywhy. I don't know. Is this what life is like for people? Lord, you are the one God, the only thing worth it, you are good when no one else is, am I getting caught up in things that I shouldn't, what am I even going on about? Life life life. It's all good, right

2/13/13 - (From a voice to text translator)

tomorrow I'm supposed to have an awkward cuddling session with my love scene manager and a love my phone from church I'm not sure how I get myself into these awkward situations but I definitely am good at it office tomorrow my uncle is moving in for a month but should be really awkward and I wish that I had a lock on my door and the house I'm learning that the things that I desire to have a find myself feeling empty when I do get them but I'm happy about it because it gets me clarity because it shows me that nothing else really matters is just kind of in my head really got the only thing that matters is the only thing I should pursue S I miss Adam I know you won't hang out that much before you left but now I guess I'm missing him double I don't know I don't know what I mean exactly but he's been gone a few weeks now and it's weird not having a best friend to talk to you about everything I have a lot of friends I have a lot of good friends but this is different it is different when you have someone who knows so much about you already and you don't have to tell the back story every time you tell them a new story because I already know who so I'm so is or why you feel that way or white was a bad idea that you did that so I'm also giving up ice cream and I'll call for lunch and I'm going to be time to eat a lot better subject tomorrow hopefully that I've also really just been wanting to be free of employment just live and everyday wake up and say what I want to do without help homeless people if I want to make something I want to sell another day love you babe I wanna go out with a friend I make my card I definitely don't want to spend 5 shifts a week at cartel but at the same time I don't feel like I'm self disciplined enough to not have a job I'm just getting tired of the creepers and the internet the kids off work as well as yeah I don't know ent from my HTC on the Now Network from Sprint!

8/18/13 -

Woke up really missing my dad. Go figure. Able to properly seduce emotions into a flat, shruggable denial ever since those first few days, and now, on the day I hoped to "stay strong" the most, I can't stop thinking of part of the song he wrote for Rachel, only now in regards to him - "I miss you, in the summertime.. I miss you, in the wintertime.. I miss you - all the time. I love my Rachel Sue." Only.. Daddy-o, or something. Ahhh.. Thank you, Lord, for such a kind father. Please help today glorify your name, run smoothly.. its so obvious we can't do it without you.

8/19/13 - I miss my dad. I am sad that I'll never have him burst in my room in November at three am with pancakes and lit birthday candles because he started thinking about some of the birthdays of mine he had missed, and wanted us to be able to celebrate  together. I can't drink milk or even look at rootbeer without hearing him ask for some, so eagerly, and then sigh 'mmmm, now that's good,' so contentedly after his first sip. I miss that his crazy stories are not going to be things that I share in everyday conversation with my friends, because they're all old stories and it will seem out of place. who do i have to talk to about my dad? no one. it makes everyone sad. theres no one to just share his life with, aside from close family, and that will be limited. Everyone keeps telling me I'm so strong. What does that mean?I'm strong because I didn't start sobbing when I spoke? Because I'm smiling and laughing with you? Is that strength or disposition? Blake said that I was handling this better than anyone he's ever seen deal with death. What does that mean? 

12/13/13

I see a sadness in your eyes.Behind the words, another message.The weight of your world becomes tangible, heavy, a thickness that weights me like a fog rolling in with, strapping invisible bricks to my body. Sometimes it's your words, blatant and straightforward, other times it's the sighs, the eyes that flash with emotion for just a moment, Did you know that's been seen? So many words, how can they be contained? I hear things you've never said, I see 

1/03/14-

I've tried reflecting on 2013.. tried finding words which could somehow, miraculously encapsulate all of the growth, struggle, joy, depression, transformation, and experiences that it contained. It will be one of the most memorable years of my life, for many reasons, but it may also be one of those years that the full impact of may be lost on me for awhile now.In the past few weeks, I've been looking through journals, photos, and letters, remembering and realizing exactly how many changes this year has brought. Led my first missions trip, felt the loss of saying goodbye to one of my best friends, discovered what living with not just my dad, but my uncle Ken, five chickens, two cats, two ducks, a dog, and whoever else decided to stay over was like, became the missions director at middletree church, became an AUNT to the most beautiful little Emelia Skye, gained a new set of amazing and wonderful friends, played nurse/daughter/friend/staff member/sister/maid/hopsicecare/barista/student/leader to the point of confused identity and exhaustion, left cartel to become part of the Caife Caife family, DIDN'T leave the country for the first time in yeaaaaars, actually had to turn down exciting travel/jobs, speaking opportunities, and a leadership position with a non-profit (rather than seek them out, like usual), spent 7 months of the year experiencing the beauty, hardship, and love of caring someone who is dying in more and more ways every day, the trauma and release of my dad's actual death, the months following that are nothing but fog, sorrow, and blurred memories, the 14-state family road trip of a lifetime, moving to the Loop with Dani, experiencing being 'home for the holidays' without any actual family to be home with, and .. I don't know.. the Sara of today, who can look back on things only a year ago and find I have a whole new perspective on them. ..I only wrote one public (well, as public as it can be when I have a total of 8, predominately inactive followers) blog post in 2013, mostly talking about overcoming fear to become the person I feel I'm called to be. It was mostly inspired by revelations from the LA Dream Center trip, and I can't tell you how nice it is to be able to look back on the goals and dreams I wanted so desperately to become a reality, and to be able to say that, even through all the changes and sorrow of this year, that they were able to come to fruition. I'm not in to new years resolutions, but I do highly recommend kickstarting your year with an inspiring, transformative experience, which can set the trajectory for how you are going to live, what goals you will meet or fall short of (but still come closer to, which is still GROWTH, something to celebrate!) in the coming adventure of 2014. No matter what 2013 held, don't let fear of who you were just last month keep you from being who you want to be tomorrow. This little blog post is nice for me to re-read, because it reminds me of my fears, and what overcoming them, even one step at a time, can lead to. 2013 was a hard year for me, but it has also brought me to exactly where I feel I'm supposed to be right now. 

1/29/14 - "I'm good" I wore the reassuring words like a blanket. Cover, no, smother whatever was beneath, within.   Protect yourself from the cold, vulnerable words might slip thru the holes in the blanket... exposed means they can feel temperature of your meaning. Heavy, heat from the heart. you can feel their response.  Pray for a warm touch, but there's always risk of icicle daggers

2/19/14

it's just that

I have a lot of thoughts

ideas, fears, ..a lot of places that I'd like to explore

But they feel so heavy when it's just me and them

feels like there’s a lot of trees to climb before i get to the clouds

and I'd like to share them with someone

who cares about them just as much as I do,

someone with just as much to risk,

who understands each side of the story.

And sometimes, I see planets in those eyes,

but have no rocketship to get me there

And I see that depth, but there's just no way to tap in

Im searching for someone to explore with

those infinite galaxies in your mind and mine.

Someone to make sense of it,

write poetry about it

but not get so caught up that it's just us - no

Always God first.

Always seeking his planets, his stars, his truth..

and maybe that's the adventure..

[eorumverba]

anyw...happy birthday my lovely twin @judaru im lov u sm nd i hope..u had a Good bday

Kiss (verb - with object): touch with the lips as a sign of love, sexual desire, reverence, or greeting

1.The Forehead Kiss

Judal is asleep now, stretched out on Sinbad’s couch, and Sinbad can’t help the fond smile that spreads across his lips as he hears a quiet snore come from behind him. He’s doing work at the coffee table, and some point, between bothering Sin and playing games on his phone, Judal had fallen asleep. And Sinbad doesn’t blame him - Judal has the attention span of a toddler and he’d probably gotten bored, closed his eyes, and promptly knocked out.

Sinbad is now finally used to the kid’s sleep schedule, or lack of - Judal never manages to sleep for more than a few hours at a time, and ends up wandering around the house with heavy bags under his eyes even as he bugs Sinbad for hours on end. He’ll retreat to his or Sin’s rooms and Sinbad will usually find him under a pile of blankets, snoring away. Judal is a light sleeper, and that makes it even worse; Sinbad types out a reminder to buy more fragrant teas and candles for Judal. Sometimes the soothing aromas help him sleep better, and Judal always brews the best loose leaf tea.

Judal shifts and mumbles something out in his sleep, so Sinbad gathers his things as quietly as he can and stands, putting his things in the kitchen before detouring to his room to grab a heavy blanket for Judal. After draping the blanket over Judal’s lanky frame, Sinbad bends down and brushes his lips against warm skin, pulling away when Judal stirs. He doesn’t wake though - just rolls over and Sinbad smiles to himself again before dimming the lights and retreating to the kitchen so he can at least try to get some more work done.

2. Kiss on the Hand

For how uncommon it is for two men to be seen dancing together, there is a lot of it being done at Lord Sinbad’s annual winter ball. This is Judal’s first year receiving an invitation, and he fingers the silver envelope, anxiousness coiling through his belly. It’s a masquerade this year, and he’d been sure his long hair would give him away, so he’d taken a risk and purchased a billowy ice white dress and had thin silvery-white flowers placed in the elegant braid of his hair. His delicate mask completes the costume - he’s a swan, elegant and beautiful.

The carriage stops and Judal ignores the helping hand to step down on his own, balancing easily in his heels. He’s almost having second thoughts about the whole thing, but he swallows all his unease and follows the queue of people inside.

The ballroom is vast and somehow crowded already, dresses of all color swirling alongside dark suits - it would seem like any other ball, if not for the men dancing together alongside women doing the same. But who is he to judge, Judal decides, considering he’s the one wearing a dress. He spots Hakuryuu flirting with Alibaba’s redhaired escort but doesn’t go over to them, choosing instead to retire to the balcony, breathing in as deep as he can. The air smells faintly of roses and lavender, and Judal can’t help imagining reclining on a bed scattered with fragrant petals, still in his dress but not in his horrid corset. (It does wonders for his figure, but it’s not like he needs it.)

Someone clears their throat from behind him and Judal spins around, breath catching in his throat at the sight of high cheekbones and tan skin. Lord Sinbad.

“Dance with me,” Sinbad demands, and Judal is helpless to his whim.

They spin together in the middle of the ballroom, Judal’s cold hand warming under Sinbad’s. Sin’s other hand flirts with the curve of Judal’s waist, daring to push the boundary of what’s acceptable as his lips curve up, playful. His mask is nothing but a strip of cloth tied around his eyes, and Judal rolls his own.

“You didn’t try hard this year, Lord Sinbad.” Sinbad doesn’t seem at all surprised or perturbed at the deep voice paired with slim, otherwise feminine features.

“Just Sin. Who are you?”

“Judal.”

“Ah. You turned eighteen this year, no?”

“I did.”

“My - ah...what would you call him? Assistant? He has a rule against inviting anyone under eighteen because, well. One of Hakuryuu’s stepsisters - I thought she was old enough, but alas.” Sinbad’s sigh is dramatic and although Judal does know Kougyoku fairly well, he can’t help smiling, laughing a little.

“A very wise rule, Sinbad, considering your reputation.”

“Reputation?” there’s a roguish grin flirting with Sinbad’s lips, but before Judal can answer, the song comes to an end and they bow to each other. Sin takes one of Judal’s hands in his own and presses soft lips to his skin, lingering for a touch too long before straightening again, still holding Judal’s hand.

“I have to go make more rounds, but save a dance or two for me, Judal.”

Shocked to silence by Sinbad’s easy grin, Judal nods weakly. As the night goes on, he finds out that it’s impossible for him to say no to Sinbad.

3. The Lingering Kiss

Judal is more than half-asleep, lounging on the rock they’re slumped against. The sun is beating down on them but they’ve just come from a swim so the heat is more than welcome, and the gentle waves stir their tail - they’ve lost Sinbad a while back but Judal can’t really bring themself to care with how relaxed they are. There comes a rippling of the water and Judal’s eyes flutter open to see Sinbad next to them, propping himself up by his elbows and staring at them with nothing but love in his eyes.

They don’t need words anymore from the many years that they’ve been together, but Sinbad still moves slowly as he shifts over so he’s behind Judal. He drops a chaste kiss to the skin of Judal’s forehead before beginning to comb his fingers through Judal’s inky tresses, humming under his breath as he does so. The gentle fingers scratching their scalp makes Judal shift and purr, lips curving up despite themself. They’ve always been so weak for having their hair played with.

They don’t know how long they stay like that, with Sinbad’s hands in their hair and only the sun and sea for company, but it changes when Sin’s hands press against Judal’s cheeks, a wordless sign that he’s finished. Sin swims around again and heaves himself up on the rock, blanketing Judal’s body with his own and pushing his hair from Judal’s skin when Judal huffs.

Sinbad tastes like saltwater and Judal wants to drown in the taste flooding their senses, and they tangle their fingers through long, wet hair to pull Sinbad closer, their lips sliding effortlessly against Sin’s. Sin’s smiling against Judal’s lips and he slowly drops so there’s no space between them, just skin against skin and tail against tail.

“Hi there,” Sin murmurs after one last teasing suck to Judal’s lower lip. He looks so effortlessly beautiful like this, tanned skin and dark hair and shining eyes focused on them, “what are you thinking about?”

“You.”

Sin flushed pink and his smile turns softer, shy and when they duck down for another slow kiss, it says all the things he can’t.

4. The Vampire Kiss They’re both far too drunk for this and that makes it all the better; Judal barely feels his back slam against the bathroom stall’s wall, focusing instead on the man pressing against him, hot skin and even hotter lips. He tastes like whiskey and cigarette smoke, and he swallows all of Judal’s pitched noises as easy as breathing. He mouths his way down the column of Judal’s neck, lips like fire against Judal’s throat. Judal bites back a moan when the man’s teeth scrape against his skin but it’s nothing compared to the strangled noise he makes when the man really bites.

This time when they kiss, it tastes like whiskey and cigarette smoke and sweat and sugar - the man pulls away and his breaths are harsh when he asks, “Is that sugar?”

Judal laughs and leans back, catching his breath as well before murmuring, “Why don’t you see how far down it goes?”

His stranger kisses the smirk from Judal’s lips before trailing back down to his neck, and if the way he’s attacking the skin of Judal’s neck says anything, he’ll have marks to boast about this for weeks.

5. The French Kiss

Fanservice. It’d been just that - fanservice.

That’s what Judal tells himself, what he tells the others, but they all know that this had been a long time coming. All of the comments on Judal’s twitter and instagram are asking if he’s dating Sin and since when - Judal turns off his phone and goes to his laptop instead. He doesn’t have to do much digging to find what he’s after, and watching the video, he does have to admit that it doesn’t look like fanservice, not by the end.

They’re in the middle of a song and Sin has always loved skinship, pushing boundaries, fanservice - so Judal isn’t surprised to feel a heavy arm thrown around his shoulders as Sin lets the cheering crowd sing his lines. Sin’s grinning and Judal doesn’t know if it’s the adrenaline pungent in the air or the joy mirrored in Judal’s stomach and Sin’s eyes, but something makes Judal cup Sin’s cheek (which isn’t unusual, and it just makes the crowd roar louder as Sin’s smile grows) and lean in and close his eyes as his lips press to Sin’s.

He can’t hear the crowd anymore, entirely focused on the stop of Sin’s breath before Sin’s lips begin to move against his, eager as he licks into Judal’s mouth. Somewhere in the back of Judal’s mind, he wonders if maybe they shouldn’t be doing this where thousands of people can record it, but the little noise Sin makes makes Judal melt into him.

And when he finally draws away, he’s breathless and eager, but Sin is smiling, and Judal realizes that he’s absolutely screwed.

6. The Spiderman Kiss

If Judal has chosen this tree to lounge in on purpose, no one needs to know - Judal gazes down at Sinbad beneath him, head pillowed by his arms. He’s more than half held up on the thin tree branch by magic, but it’s also partly his own balancing skill. Sinbad is directly beneath him, and while he has paperwork spread out in front of him, held down by pretty looking paperweights, he’s been nodding off for the past half hour.

And Judal doesn’t blame him - the shade of the tree is the perfect combatant against the heat of the afternoon sun, and it’s quiet here, warm and still.

And Sinbad is here.

Judal would like to think that his traitorous heart is fluttering from the sights around him and not from the man below him, but he knows it’s not - it’s the light scent of roses and something earthier, it’s Sinbad.

Quietly, Judal slips from the branch he’s perched on and lets his magic float him down so he’s upside down in front of Sinbad. Judal’s eyes fall to Sin’s lips and he purses his own before reaching out to touch the swell of Sin’s lower lip. It’s soft, soft enough for Judal to lean in further, just enough to brush his lips against Sin’s. It’s when he’s about to pull away that Sin shifts in his sleep and immediately, Judal lets his magic carry him back up to his branch, where he watches Sinbad stir awake with flushed cheeks and trembling fingers, the memory of his stolen kiss enough to keep him flustered for the rest of the day.

7. The Bite and Nibble

For some reason, Judal love love loves to bite - Sinbad is long used to the sting of Judal’s teeth on whatever part of skin is available, to the soft brush of his tail before he bites down hard. He always always always leaves marks, and he’ll hum in approval as he looks at the bruises before moving away like nothing’s happened.

Sin had been startled at first, but it’s nothing out of the ordinary now - just one of Judal’s habits. Which is why he barely flinches when Judal comes up to him and squats in front of Sin, frowning up at him with twitching ears until Sin sighs and rolls over onto his back. Judal makes a happy little noise and clambers on top of Sin, staring down at him with an unreadable look in his eye. Sin is prepared for Judal to lean down, but he’s not prepared for the brush of soft lips against his own. When Sin makes a soft noise of surprise, Judal’s teeth scrape against the curve of Sin’s lower lip, noticeably gentler than how he usually bites, but still harsh.

Sin nearly loses himself in the scrape of Judal’s teeth and the soft of his tongue, in the slow rolling motion of his hips and the warmth between them. When Judal pulls back, his ears are twitching and his tail searches out Sin’s, curving around his as Judal’s lips flirt with a shy smile. And before Sin can say anything, Judal scurries away, but not before Sin can see the flush high on his cheeks. (Sinbad thinks he can get used to this.)

8. The Big Tease

Sinbad doesn’t get why Judal’s called him over in the dead of night until he steps inside and sniffs the air. Immediately, he’s simultaneously slamming the door shut and taking in greedy breaths, the scent of Judal’s pheromones high in the air. It’s clear now that Judal is in heat, his first one, that he’d called Sin over-

Sin hears a quiet noise from upstairs and he takes the steps two at a time, stopping short in the doorway when he sees Judal on his bed, pale skin flushed pink. He’s completely naked and clearly eager, ass high in the air with three fingers inside.

The eager movements of his fingers stop suddenly and Judal sniffs the air audibly, swivelling around (at any other time, Sin would laugh at his gracelessness) and staring at Sin with hunger clear in his eyes.

“Alpha,” he murmurs, “alpha, please. Sin-”

That’s all he’s able to get out before Sin crosses the room and blankets Judal’s quivering body with his own. When he manages to get Judal rolled over so they’re facing each other, Sin crashes their lips together, easily, effortlessly licking into Judal’s mouth and muffling his moans with his lips and teeth and tongue. His kisses start at Judal’s lips and slowly make their way down to his neck, where Sin forces himself to stay - he can smell Judal leaking and it’s making him impatient, needy, eager. To alleviate the quickly building pressure, Sin ruts into Judal, but it just makes his omega whine and wrap long legs around Sin’s waist to press closer.

It feels like ages before Sin is finally able to suck one dusky nipple into his mouth, and immediately, Judal arches further, a broken noise escaping his lips. Sin decides then that he’s teased enough, and he sits back enough to take his clothes off before turning Judal over and the only warning he gives Judal before pushing in is the way he grabs Judal’s hips and ruts the head of his cock against his puffy rim once, twice, thrice before easily sinking into tight tight heat.

9. The Cheek Kiss

There’s a boy playing in the sandbox all alone, and Sinbad finds his gaze drawn towards him from his place on the swings. He jumps off the swing and soars through the air for one long moment before crashing down to earth - he scrapes his knees but he doesn’t care all that much (scrapes mean bandaids, and bandaids mean getting to show off how high he jumped!) and when he’s sure the pretty boy isn’t looking, he scurries over and crouches in front of him.

“Why are you playing alone?”

The boy looks up at him and frowns before looking at Sin’s knees and widening his eyes. He points, doesn’t say a word and Sin looks down at his bloody knees as well. “It’s just a scrape, I’m fine. I flew.”

The boy gives Sin this look, incredulity tinged with disgust and almost...contempt - but Sin doesn’t care. The look suits him. “Do you talk?”

The boy shakes his head, then nods, then shrugs, leaving Sin to fill in the gaps.

“Just not today?”

A nod this time.

“That’s fine. I can talk for the both of us!”

That gets him the wisp of a smile and Sin settles down in the sand next to the boy, frowning. “Can you write your name in the sand?”

Pretty pink lips purse in a pout that’s cuter than it should be, and without thinking, Sin leans over and kisses the boy’s cheek. It’s soft, like peach fuzz, and Sin giggles. “My mom and dad do that a lot. You’re really cute, I like you.”

The boys cheeks are pink like his lips now and he shakes his head, clearly trying not to laugh. He opens his mouth then and mumbles a quiet, “My name’s Judal.”

Sin likes that. “I’m Sinbad, but everyone calls me Sin.”

Judal smiles.

10. The Jaw Kiss

They’re all drunk off their asses, celebrating their success in this week’s battle of the bands, and Sin’s arm is heavy around Judal’s shoulders. He’s got a bottle of something in one hand and he’s talking to Sharrkan in a voice far louder than need be. Judal grimaces when Sin turns around to look at him even as he laughs at something Sharrkan’s said. Or no, Sharrkan is currently straddling Masrur’s lap and...well.

Judal turns his gaze from them, trying and failing to ignore the way Sin is looking at him. His gaze is heavy with intent, and before Judal can move from his grip, Sin leans in and kisses him - or tries to. His lips end up brushing against Judal’s jaw, but it’d been an open mouthed kiss and Sin ends up slobbering all over Judal’s jaw.

It feels weird.

Judal pushes Sin away with ease and wipes at his jaw with Sin’s shirt sleeve, wrinkling his lip in disgust even as Sharrkan laughs at them. Sin’s still staring at him with a dopey look on his face, and Judal rolls his eyes, well aware of Sin’s crush on him.

(While it may hurt them both, it’s easier to pretend that he doesn’t have a crush of his own.)

11. The Air Kiss

Judal’s day starts like clockwork - he’ll sleep through all the alarms he’s set and jolt awake when he sees the time, and he’ll grab the first set of clothes he sees before grabbing his bag and rushing out the door. He’d tried one day to skip his daily coffee and it’d fucked him up so badly that he spent an hour one evening calculating the shortest route from his dorm to the coffeeshop to the building where his first class (calculus) is.

The same employee is at the register and by now, they’re familiar enough with each other for the man to blow him a kiss when Judal comes running through the door. He’ll have Judal’s coffee waiting and all Judal has to do is slap the money down before running out the door, barely a thank you falling from his lips.

And the pattern remains the same.

Until for once, Judal wakes up early - nearly two hours early. It’s nice to be able to take his time picking out his clothes and brushing his hair, walking to the coffeeshop and startling the lone man at the register.

“Hi, tall vanilla latte?”

The man spins around and there’s shock clear on his face, but he nods and gets to making the coffee right away. “You’re early,” he comments. There’s still a bit of shock in his voice, but it’s easily overshadowed by amusement, and Judal snorts.

“Don’t get used to it.”

“Your coffee.”

Judal pays and instead of going to sit, he stands by the register, waiting for his coffee to cool as his gaze locks with the other man’s.

“What’s your name?”

“Sin. You?”

“Judal.” It feels weird and oddly intimate like this, so Judal picks up his coffee and gives Sin an awkward half smile.

“I’m going to go to class, so. Bye, I guess.”

The next day, he wakes up early as well, so Judal heaves a sigh and heads to the coffeeshop again. This time, Sin waves and blows a kiss, and Judal is prepared. “Why do you do that?”

“You’re cute, and it’s funny.”

“I’m glad I amuse you.”

Judal takes his coffee and leaves as soon as he has it, too flustered by the look on Sin’s face to do anything else.

It takes a while, but after about a month of dancing around each other and half-conversations, Judal returns Sin’s air kiss with one of his own

(And a few weeks after that, Judal marches right up to the register and kisses Sin full on the mouth, and Sin easily returns it.)

12. Single Lip Kiss

Sin has been Judal’s figure skating partner for years now, which means he knows how to read Judal better than anyone. So when he doesn’t see the usual burning determination in Judal’s eyes, instead of prepping for their second toss, Sin catches Judal’s wrist with his and brings them to a gliding stop, swiveling around so he can face Judal and frowning at him.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Judal mumbles, but it’s painfully obvious that he’s lying.

“I know you’re lying.”

“It’s nothing!”

Sin rolls his eyes and watches Judal skate towards the entrance to the rink, irritation laced on his features. “Maybe next time I’ll drop you!”

“Fuck you!” Judal calls back. He doesn’t sound angry though, and Sin sighs before going to follow him.

He finds Judal sitting on one of the benches outside, fingers trembling as he struggles to unlace his skates. He looks so small suddenly, and Sin bites his lip before going over and brushing Judal’s hands away to undo the laces himself.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

Judal makes a noncommittal noise and Sin purses his lips as he finishes one skate and gently takes it off. Halfway through unlacing the second skate, Judal speaks again, voice quiet. “I’m distracted. We have the competition next week, but…I can’t focus.”

“Hey, hey. Whatever it is, tell me and we’ll fix it. Can’t have you zoning out next week.”

“I like you,” Judal’s voice breaks and Sin freezes. The skate is halfway off of Judal’s foot and Judal reaches down with trembling fingers to push it off completely before fumbling for his own shoes and wrenching them on.

“You like me?”

Judal makes an annoyed noise and when Sin finally looks up at him, he’s flustered and there are unshed tears shining in his eyes. “Yes, I like you. I like you and it’s so distracting being this close to you, and I can’t afford to fuck this up for the both of us just because I can’t get over a stupid crush-”

That’s when Sin leans up and in and kisses Judal, soft and eager. When he moves to pull away, Judal fists his hands in his hair, keeping him close. Judal’s lips are soft and they taste like the salt of his tears, and more spill when Sin wipes his cheeks dry.

“Come on, then. Are you leaving or staying?” Sin asks, standing now.

Judal frowns up at him, but it’s more of a pout than anything, and Sin can’t help laughing. “What was that then?”

“What was what?”

“You kissed me! Do you like me?”

“Yeah, I like you.”

“Oh. We can stay. Lace my skates!”

Sin sighs and reaches for Judal’s skates, tired of his partner’s tricks already. He realizes only then what a handful he’ll have - but if it’s Judal, it’ll be worth it. (Even if he doesn’t think he’ll ever like Judal the way Judal likes him.)

13. Lizard Kiss

The sight of the silver ball on the pink of Judal’s makes Sin’s knees go weak, and when he sees Sin staring, Judal sticks his tongue out, wiggling it playfully. “Like my piercing?”

“Get over here.”

Judal hides his laugh behind his fist before slipping from the counter and moving over to where Sin is sitting at the table. He easily slides into Sin’s lap and kisses him open-mouthed, gasping into Sin’s mouth as Sin easily finds the piercing and sucks at it, eager from the start. It’s not long before Sin tells Judal to stick your tongue out and when Judal does so, Sin sucks Judal’s tongue into his mouth and shallowly bobs his head, using his actions to show what he’d do later, what would make Judal moan and cry out and come with Sin’s name on his tongue.

At the first muffled cry Judal makes, Sin lets Judal’s tongue slip from his mouth, a smirk on his lips. It turns unsteady when Judal licks back into Sin’s mouth, piercing warmed from Sin’s ministrations, and when he catches the tip of Sin’s tongue once and then again, Sin gets what he’s trying to do - he lets the tip of Judal’s tongue trace circles around his own before sucking his tongue back into his mouth.

Judal is left breathless and trembling when Sin pulls away, and they both laugh sort of awkwardly when their gazes meet.

“I really like your piercing,” Sin says. It’s unnecessary, but it just makes Judal laugh even harder before he slips from Sin’s lap and saunters off towards the fridge.

14. The Eskimo Kiss

They’re studying together in the library - or Judal is trying to study, and Sin is distracting him with kisses pressed to Judal’s neck and shoulder when he thinks no one can see. Hakuryuu is across from them, and he keeps glaring at Judal whenever Sin does it - like Judal can control Sin! - and Judal is trying to ignore the both of them.

“If you’re going to keep doing that,” Hakuryuu mutters, “at least do it quietly. Jeez.”

“Can’t,” Sin mumbles back, “not until Juju does what he’s promised.”

When Judal chances a glance up at Hakuryuu, he’s not sure if the disgust on Hakuyruu’s face is from the petname or because of the way Sin is nuzzling into Judal’s neck and peppering his skin with kisses.

“Jesus, Judal - just do what he wants! It’s getting ridiculous, honestly…”

“I think you’re just jealous.” Judal contemplates tilting his neck further to let Sin kiss him even more, but at the strangled noise Hakuryuu makes, Judal huffs and pushes Sin away before facing him. He wants to ask Hakuryuu to at least look away, but that’ll make it worse, so Judal just takes a breath and leans in to rub his nose against Sin’s, squashing down a pleased smile at the pleased noise Sin makes.

“You’re disgusting.” Hakuryuu sounds two parts squicked out and one part happy, and when Judal looks at him, he’s smiling.

“It’s almost cute. I’m glad you two are happy, really. But maybe tone down on the making out, yeah?”

Judal opens his mouth to agree with Hakuryuu, but before he can say anything, Sin answers for him as he curls an arm around Judal’s waist. “Nope!”

15. Kiss of an Angel

For all the many years that Judal has been dead, he hasn’t felt anything for any of the people that have moved into his house, not anything more than passing amusement. He’s always pulled his pranks (what sort of ghost would he be if he didn’t?) but he’s never really cared about any of the living.

Until Sinbad.

Sin’s been living at the house for over a year now, much longer than anyone else, and Judal is...rather fond of him now. Sin barely flinches at all of Judal’s pranks now, just chuckles and rolls his eyes and continues with what he’s doing.

Sin is taking a nap on the couch now, lips parted to take in quiet breaths. Judal contemplates maybe knocking some books off the shelf, but Sin will only sigh and put the books back, if he even wakes up. So Judal resorts to sitting on Sin’s chest - not that Sin will feel him anyway - and staring at his sleeping face. Sin is actually pretty handsome, Judal’s noticed, but despite his overwhelmingly good looks and personality, he’s never had a girl or guy over.

Judal leans in closer, staring hard at Sin as if that will somehow wake him up. He wants to kiss Sin in that moment, but to do that would mean making himself be seen, and felt. And that can’t happen.

Judal pushes his heavy braid back and leans in further, letting his lips just barely touch the space between Sin’s eyebrows. Almost as soon as he does, Sin’s eyes flutter open and Judal falls back and off the couch, heart pounding in his chest as Sin sits up and looks around. His eyes land on Judal and he frowns, and Judal waits for Sin to look away, but he doesn’t.

“Who are you?” he asks.

And oh, Judal thinks. Oh.

16. Seductive Kiss

“You two probably aren’t even dating,” Sharrkan’s frowning, “you probably just said it to get couple discounts or something.”

Sin gasps, as if outraged. “We’re totally dating!” As if to prove it, he throws his arm around Judal’s shoulders and pats the side of his head.

Judal snorts and ducks free of Sin’s heavy grip, but he nods in agreement. “Totally dating.”

“Prove it.”

“How-”

“Kiss!”

“Voyeur,” Judal huffs, ducking his head into the curve of Sin’s armpit to hide his flush. Sin’s shirt smells like laundry detergent, and Judal takes in a deep breath, both to calm himself and because it smells good.

Sharrkan makes an offended noise and Sin laughs loud - they both seem to forget that they’re in the middle of a crowded ice cream shop, and Judal stabs a spoon into his shared dessert with Sin. “Fine, we’ll kiss. You’re still nasty though, Sharr.”

Before he can lose his nerve, Judal turns back to Sin and cups his cheeks in his hands to bring Sin down to his height. They’ve never kissed before, so the way Sin so easily licks into Judal’s mouth makes him gasp, and a strangled little noise falls from Sin’s lips when Judal’s teeth scrape against his lower lip. Sin’s the one that pulls away and they’re both breathless, and Judal shoves his hands below the table so Sharrkan doesn’t see their trembling.

“I never want to see you do that again.”

“Good, because it won’t happen again.” (At least, Judal thinks, not where Sharrkan can see.)