#{ out of directives } ᵒᵒᶜ

[introspectral]

{out of directives} Alright folks, I've gotta head to bed since I'm getting up early tomorrow. I'll be back here on Sat 11/2 as scheduled. Goodnight! =)

[truempathy]

i love nbc han/nibal so goddamn much

[caelitis-blog1]

SMOL PSA SORTA THING.

i’m all for characters having fluid sexuality, just because that’s how i like to write my muses. similarly, i couldn’t care less whether another person’s muse is heterosexual or homosexual -- after all, it’s their muse and the mun’s preference. what i’m getting at, is that despite this i feel ... awkward, and a little self conscious about writing anything homosexual on my blogs. not because i don’t like it, but more-so because i feel like i’m gonna get called out for “ making everything gay ”, and not sticking to canon. 

on that topic, it’s not cool to shame people for shipping certain things. whether you happen to ship something conventionally healthy or unhealthy, it’s up to the person who has the preference ; neither you or they have the right to shove it in one another’s face. everybody has their reasons ( -- or maybe they don’t, but does it matter ? ) for liking particular kinds of dynamic. just let people be happy. damn.

[introspectral]

what is your true role in the story?

Your result: the one at the crossroads

questioning yourself again? well it's a hard choice is it not. you always decide you've made your mind but you seem to nevertheless return to this state of uncertainty. are you good or evil? dark or light alas? alas, I am not fit for such details in morality. In my slightly skewed sight of it, neither truly exist. they are but a mindset, but mindset or not, they still give you quite the anxieties hm? you are one who has lived in fear, your heart is hidden, and you don't know who to trust. you doubt you can even trust yourself. the caustic words of poisonous people have corroded into your skull. "you are evil. you are a monster. you are bad." well that is indeed a bunch of poppycock, mind my language, for the only one who may decide that is you. my dear, you are torn between never allowing others to hurt the ways you hurt, and from running away from all who might harm you again, with gnashing teeth. you are a cornered animal who has been kicked by the ones it trusted. you do not know whether to trust again, for your mind is screaming, don't. but if I may, you can be both. it is not the question of whether you are good or evil, it is the question, what do I deserve and how might I reach that? you do not deserve pain, correct? so never chase that, instead kindly decline and flee from those like your past assailants, but trust the ones who you know are good. sometimes you will find people to be a messy combination of both pain and love, but so are you and I. my advice is to simply be kind, but be willing to question. always question, always wonder. do not give away your heart on a silver platter my dear, it is worth far more than the sun himself, but don't fail to allow healing. you deserve good things in life. so as you stand between two roads, walk between the third you just now have noticed. life seems to be made of entirely preposterous choices, but if you look close enough, you'll reveal the right ones that are normally hidden from sight. breathe my dear, things will be well. trust yourself, and carve your own path.

Tagged by: @celestialmantdonna Tagging: Anyone who wants to do this ^_^

[introspectral]

What's Vision's daily routine?

{out of directives} The first this Vision does in the morning when he "wakes up" is run system checks on himself. He's a lot more paranoid and traumatized now about having his body messed around with without his permission, having his databanks altered or access to them changed, or having unwanted additions like trackers or overrides installed without his knowledge. So first things first, once his mental and metabolic capabilities are ramped up to a normal active level after being slowed overnight, Vision will run diagnostic checks on his major bodily structures/functions and his CPU.

For his body, he'll check for any damages, alterations, or system stresses/failures. Early on, this is a pretty fast and simple task (maybe 5-10 minutes), but as he delves deeper into the memories of his previous life and how he had developed more complex internal systems for himself (digestive, reproductive, etc.), he will want to once again develop those for himself. All the research he did and everything physically that he altered about himself to evolve those systems is stored in his databanks, so all he has to do is follow the same procedure. It still likely takes a few weeks to months for him to completely alter his body to its previous evolved form. Once he does that, there are more structures, processes, and potential points of failure to check, so his somatic diagnostic tests will likely run closer to 15-20 minutes.

For his mind, he'll check his data files - especially those involving memory and anything else that he'd previously lost access to - for viruses, corruption, foreign data, or any sign that something has been altered, removed, or restricted since his last check, as well as making sure his main power source and processing capabilities are functioning at peak capacity. Vision has amazingly powerful and efficient processing power, so a full scan of power, processing, storage, and mental capabilities takes only about 5-7 minutes.

Vision doesn't like to be disturbed while he performs his morning checks. He likes to just be alone with himself to make sure everything is functioning at peak capacity and as it ought to be, before he interacts with anyone or goes about his day. This is for his own peace of mind and frankly to gain back a sense of control over his own mind and body that he felt was taken from him by SWORD's actions. All in all, it's usually about a half hour before he's ready to go. After that, it depends on where Vision is, what stage of his recovery and soul-searching process he's at, and who he might be living with.

If he's living with someone, he will probably seek them out, see how they're doing, see what they want to do today. If it's someone he previous didn't know, he would spend time with them to learn more about them, ask them why they're helping him, ask them what their plans for the future are, etc. If it's someone he does know from his past (e.g. another Avenger or associate), he will likely spend a good portion of the day picking their brain for information on why all of this was allowed to happen to him, what happened to various other people he remembers, and what their plans are now. If it's Wanda, the majority of his day will be spent trying to repair their relationship, wherever it's going to settle now. Whether friends or lovers, it would be important to Vision to repair things and support her as much as possible while also working on his own emotional recovery.

If it's early on after he left Westview and he's alone, he'd probably spend time considering any number of things, such as where to go, what to do with himself, who he truly is, who he wants to be, what actions should be taken against those who wronged him, etc. He's likely to do that in a solitary yet peaceful place, such as a mountain or forest. Aside from giving himself ample time to sort out his thoughts, Vision will just be curious about himself and the world, as he was before. If left to his own devices, a good part of his day will be spent in either introspection or outward exploration of his environment. If he's developed a digestive system, some of his day might be spent cooking, eating, and/or drinking.

At the end of the day, there are a few things Vision likes to do before he rests for the night. Going outside and listening to the sounds of the forest/city he's living in, watching the stars for a bit, and/or winding down with anyone he might be living with are common occurrences. If he's redeveloped his digestive system, he does like a cup of hot tea before bed. No milk or sugar, just tea. His favorite types are natural vanilla bean, chamomile, and orange pekoe. Caffeine doesn't have much of an effect on him, so he doesn't have to care about what he drinks before he rests.

[introspectral]

PSA: Hopefully returning in the next month or two. =)

{out of directives} Hey guys, I know it's been several months since I've been here at this point. My muse for Vision has been nonexistent, but I feel like I might be able to get back into writing him again soon. I just had surgery on 3/22, and life has been really crazy with my health, my job, and some family issues. I'm currently on hiatus from my regular rp schedule (available in my pinned post) while I rest, recover, and hopefully resolve some of the chaos in my life.

I'm trying to decide whether I'm going to create a multimuse blog just for all my MCU muses, or whether I'm going to keep them on their separate blogs and my general mumu. There are really good and bad points with both, so I'm debating. Regardless, I'd like to get back into Vision sometime soon. I'll keep everyone posted in the near future, and maybe in April or May we can get things going here again.

Would everyone be okay with a hard reset as far as threads? It's been a long time and it'd be easier for me to just start up new threads instead of going back to old ones. Everything done in past threads can still exist as background for new ones. If there are any that you really would want to keep, let me know and we can still keep a couple going, but I'd like to start over fresh with Vision if that's alright with everyone.

See you back here soon! =)

[introspectral]

List three honest flaws Vision has and talk about how those flaws make him problematic.

{out of directives} A lot of White Vision's flaws have to do with the loss of his innocent and the souring of his belief in goodness/love prevailing over evil/hatred. Whereas Red Vision was skewed so far towards innocence, naivety, and giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, White Vision goes to the other extreme and is now suspicious of everyone and unwilling to give very much of himself to the world.

He is distrusting and wary of all human beings, even those he once considered friends. Vision went from trusting almost everyone to trusting no one, from one extreme to the other. Whereas before he assumed everyone was basically good at their core, now he assumes the opposite, that the majority of humans are selfish, out for themselves, and willing to hurt others to save themselves or get what they want. They also lie, apparently, since he thought he had friends but no one seemed to care enough about him to respect his wishes after his death. All of this left Vision very cynical and bitter, and he no longer believes in the inherent goodness of the human race. This causes him to isolate himself and ruminate on his own ideas without outside input, which can result in him developing some pretty extreme views.

He is quicker to anger, and quicker to resort to violence to solve an issue rather than conversation or negotiation. Gone is the gentle and peaceful Vision, unfortunately. White Vision is not afraid to use violence, and sometimes, he feels he has a right to. He's been wronged, violated, disrespected, and that will never happen again as far as he's concerned. He will kill others to avoid being captured and subjugated again, or if he's back in a ship with Wanda or with someone else, he would kill to protect his partner. That is something that Red Vision very likely would not have done, or would have at least weighed very carefully before doing it. With White Vision, the time between considering it and actually doing it is much shorter.

He is selfish and thinking about his own welfare, no longer interested in fighting for the greater good. The world can burn for all he cares. He won't go out of his way to start the fire, but he is not answering any distress calls, at least not right now. He feels like he gave up his life to save a whole lot of people he didn't even know, but his own friends didn't care about him when he died. He feels like, of those people he died for, most were unappreciative, and some even thought to capitalize on it, such as SWORD. Clearly, humans think he's a machine, a tool, a weapon, a thing, and not a person. So he's not going to be a person anymore. He's his own being, and that being no longer cares to save humans anymore. This is a shame because he has a lot of unique ability and power to help in very useful and impactful ways, but at this time, he's withholding that help. It's a little bit vindictive, but the major reason is just that he's looking out for himself now rather that putting others first, since they are unappreciative. An interesting distinction between Red Vision and White is that Red never needed anyone to be appreciative. Whether people acknowledged his sacrifice or not, he still would have made it. White Vision, however, demands respect and acknowledgement because he feels he's been used as a doormat too long.

[introspectral]

{out of directives} Work kept me very busy all night. I’m just getting on now, at almost 3AM. I think in light of that and the fact that I’m struggling to find muse for Vision at the moment, I’m just going to try to get something things done over on Pietro’s blog before I head to bed. I will make every effort to be here next Wednesday, because then the following Wednesday (12/14) I will likely need to be on hiatus. It’s the day after my classes end (my students have their final exam on 12/13). I will be grading exams, processing final course grades, and answering student emails around the clock until Friday that week. So I’ll really try to be here next week so I’m not quiet for three weeks in a row. Thanks for understanding. The last two weeks of class are much like the first two: busy as hell, heh. But then after that, I have a month off, so I should be around more until classes start up again in mid-January.

[introspectral]

{out of directives} That moment when you really want two of your muses to meet each other because they have so much in common and you think they might really hit it off, but you know you'd just be sitting here rping with yourself to accomplish it... XD I just need White Vision to meet Raiden, because the two of them could have some very interesting discussions. I think they would respect and empathize with each other a great deal.

They both had the control, agency, and privacy of their own bodies taken from them. Both had their bodies altered without their consent for the purpose of turning them into weapons. Well, even more dangerous weapons than they already were. Mental conditioning/reprogramming was involved with both. Both went through pretty shattering identity crises (at least my version of White Vis, I guess we don't know what happened to him in canon). And both had really nasty breakups with the loves of their life under circumstances involving lies, betrayal, dehumanization, lost children, and deaths that turned out to not be real.

I just wonder what it would be like for them to meet, if they could end up actually talking to each other or if that'd be too difficult/weird for them. Not many have been through the kinds of things they have, so it must feel very isolating for each of them in addition to all the other trauma heaped on top of everything. No point to this post other than me sitting here pondering the similarities of these two muses and imagining the possibilities, heh.

[introspectral]

{out of directives} I'm going to try to get Vision going here again, but I'm also still trying to find my writer's brain after surgery, so bear with me. I might be a bit slow at first, but I think now is a good time to rouse him. I'm feeling my creativity returning and Vision is waking up finally after several months of being totally quiet, so I'm excited to start writing him again! =)

[introspectral]

{out of directives} I ran out of time for White Vis tonight, but since I will likely be on hiatus next week for the start of classes, I will try to get some things done for him on Tuesday if I can!

[introspectral]

{out of directives} I really wanted to write here tonight since I actually have muse, but I need to work on to my Resident Evil muses, who were skipped yesterday because of work. I promised I’d work on them tonight so unfortunately that means I just won’t have time for Vision. I have a few things I really want to spend some time on for him and not rush through, so I think skipping is best for this week. By next Wednesday (5/3), work should not be an issue anymore. Classes end Friday (4/28) and the last day to hand work in is Tuesday (5/2), so I should have plenty of time to write here next week. I promise this is the last time Vision will get skipped for a while. Thanks for your patience! =)

[introspectral]

{out of directives} It has been 2 years since we last saw Vision WHERE DID THIS PASTY BOI GO???

[introspectral]

{out of directives} I’m sorry I didn’t get to any actual replies tonight, but I’m happy with what I did get done. I had some real inspiration for White Vis tonight and I feel him coming back, so this is a good thing. I hope to do a lot more next week. The holidays are derailing a lot of my energy right now, but next week I should be around more.

[introspectral]

What would white vision be like as a parent

{out of directives} Awkward. Soooo very awkward. But whereas Red Vision would have been a cute and comically awkward father, White Vision would be a lot more painfully awkward. By which I mean he would very often not know what to do in situations, or would fear he wasn’t reacting with the correct emotion. Red Vision would muddle through it good-naturedly, trusting in himself to get most of it right, but White Vision would be terrified of getting it wrong and having that cause some kind of detriment to the child(ren). White Vision would possess a great deal more serious anxiety than Red Vision. He would question himself, second-guess, and worry that the wasn’t capable enough to be a good father. All of it would stem from his own insecurities at not really being clear in his own identity. If he’s not sure who he is, how can he teach and nurture a child? But he would have a lot of love to give and would have the best of intentions, so I think if he had a supportive partner, he’d be alright.

[introspectral]

Meta: White Vision’s Trauma

{out of directives} (Trigger warnings for trauma, mental health, gender identity, and body dysmorphia ahead!)

I’m just here thinking about this reaction of his, which is before his memory access is restored, so he doesn’t remember anything before waking up in S.W.O.R.D.’s facility... and it occurs to me how much trauma Vision is feeling even at this point. The way he pulls back and suspiciously looks at the hand that reached out to touch him says to me that he’s not comfortable with being touched. He might even be a little afraid of it. It’s no surprise, considering one of his earliest memories (before he gets all his previous ones returned) would be of being manhandled by various people at the facility.

White Vision’s sense of privacy and autonomy got off to a really rough start. I would imagine that they continued to work on him and make adjustments in various ways even after he was brought to full consciousness. That must have felt incredibly violating to him, being pawed at shortly after being “born,” as far as he understood it.

Then, once he did regain access to all his previous memories, that only made the trauma worse. Granted this is relying on a whole slew of headcanons I’ve detailed for Red Vision’s composition and abilities, but... suddenly White Vision had all these memories of doing things he can no longer do and things that no longer seem to fit with his sense of identity.

The first time he looks in a mirror after regaining memory access is beyond traumatic for him. He used to be red. Now he’s white. He used to have a yellow stone in his forehead. Now he’s got a blue one. His eyes look different. He can’t make “clothes” or “hair” anymore, or change his color. He can’t alter his body in the same ways. He realizes he no longer has a digestive system or a reproductive system, things that took so long for him to research, develop, and optimize. He cannot create genitals anymore, which affects his gender identity. All because the organics were stripped from his body. He’s mostly vibranium now, his living tissues and cells are gone. They rotted after he died and then S.W.O.R.D. baked the remnants of them away in a process not unlike baking ceramic, resulting in a boy that was sterile and more machine than living organism. And all of this is very distressing to him.

For someone who prided himself on being a synthezoid and on having these properties and abilities, to realize that he lost them - that they were forcibly taken from him - had to have made Vision angry, but also had to make him sad. He doesn’t look like himself anymore, and that causes him to have identity issues. The memories he has still carry a lot of meaning, and it seems to him that that’s who he is, and yet he knows he’ll never really be that person again. He probably doesn’t want to be something or someone entirely different, but he knows he can’t go back to being who he was before. That kind of situation would leave anyone feeling very lost, confused, and with an unstable sense of identity.

I have an added headcanon that, once Vision begins reaccumulating organic matter into his system and can once again experiment with attempting a human disguise, it becomes very apparent to him that S.W.O.R.D. screwed up in putting him back together. There are parts he just can’t change no matter how hard he tries, or parts that, no matter how much he tries to make them even or uniform, always have a dent, or an inconsistency, or things that look like scratches. Scars. Not only did they manhandle every part of him and change him from what he originally was, but they were less than careful with him as they did so, resulting in imperfections and essentially things that become like wounds or scars for him. This only adds to his anger, distress, and confusion over his sense of self, and increases his sense of violation and distrust of others.

It occurs to me, now that I’m thinking about all of this, that White Vision would develop a kind of body dysmorphia. His body doesn’t feel like his own, it doesn’t look right to him, and it has these scars and imperfections that he hates and would begin to obsess over. Some of them are so minor that they’re hard to see and yet he insists that they’re there. Some most definitely are there, but others are more psychological in nature. He’s obsessing over not being perfect, not being himself anymore, and that makes him perceive flaws where there are none.

Vision’s inability to fix these flaws (the physical ones he won’t be able to fix until more of his organics are restored, and the psychological ones will never go away until he addresses his underlying mental health issues) might make him withdrawn, angry, brooding, and he might develop a tendency to isolate himself. Combined with him being uncomfortable with being touched, he may flinch away if someone reaches for him, depending on who it is and why they’re doing it. 

That’s it, that’s the post. I just suddenly had a burst of headcanons regarding this topic and thought I would get them all down before I forgot because it’s relevant and I’ll be including these in my interpretation of him.