#{ i'm so happy to see so many more trans and nb people around }

[dis--parity]

I can't believe I saw h.atsune m.iku at pride this year we are truly blessed

[naughtybg3confessions]

(Not a confession.) I've been working out submissions for the trans day, and there was also an interesting discussion on the topic on r/okbuddybaldur, and I've been wondering - where do you think the line is drawn between 'naughty confessions' and 'fetishization'? I'm trans (transmasc-leaning NB), I have trans hcs, many of them are smutty, I find them hot, trans people ARE hot! We are! But is there a point where it just becomes fetishistic?

Related, what about stereotyping? Tall, buff transfem Karlach, or slender, pretty transmasc Astarion, for instance (which I genuinely do love, especially together). Questionable if you're ONLY going with the more stereotypical view (ie. 'Shadowheart is small and fem and definitely cis, Karlach is tall and butch and definitely trans'), or questionable at any time?

(Relatedly, this comes up in the discussion on Reddit - someone shared their frustration with always seeing Aylin as trans and Isobel as cis, and shared their frankly incredible trans Isobel headcanon.)

Not at all trying to start Disk Horse or anything, just a trans fan writing up submissions and overthinking things. Have an excellent day!

Well let me start by saying that I'm cis, and not exactly an authority on this subject. I have no magical way of knowing where all our confessions are coming from, but I do have some safeguards in place to reduce harm.

First of all, confessions that fetishize real life groups of people are strictly not allowed in our rules. It's up to my own discernment (and that of our followers) what constitutes that, but generally any use of slurs or reinforcing negative stereotypes is a clear tip off. If someone is making trans folk out to be freaks or fetishizing things about them that belittle their gender identity, that's obviously a no go. But so far, no one has said that. There was one confession sexualizing dysphoria that towed the line for me, but my gut told me the submitter was trans themselves and simply had a humiliation kink. Which they later confirmed!

Not speaking for the fandom at large, but on this blog at least it seems like all the characters are "transed" pretty much equally, from Shadowheart to Halsin. With the exception of Gortash, who seems to get the lion's share of those confessions, but that doesn't ring any alarm bells to me.

I certainly wouldn't want to disallow trans hcs for any particular character. After all, it is a fact of life that some cis women are big and tall, and so are some trans women. Should they be excluded from being found attractive just because of a few bad eggs? But I'm always happy to see more variety, thought, and creativity put into confessions overall. Y'all are certainly encouraged to break the mold around here.

I do my best to use my best judgement in moderating confessions so that everyone feels safe and welcome here. But I'm not perfect, so if anything ever slips through the cracks I won't hesitate to listen to our trans followers, remove the confession and learn from the experience. Should that ever happen, I may ask the anon to clarify their intentions as well, as sometimes people just phrase things unintentionally poorly (Hanlon's razor and all that).

Anyways, I hope that answer was satisfactory, it's an interesting and nuanced topic to be sure. And I bid thee an excellent day as well!

[sheyshen]

ok mostly full veilguard thoughts both good and bad, some spoilers sprinkled in but i'll try to stay vague where i can.

I give the game a thumbs up, so like, 8 or 9 out of 10 probably (i never know how to rate on a scale since i'm generally easy to please when it comes to games). i can see playing it again but it is a longer game so it might not be something i just go "hey yeah i'm gonna just go replay that really quick for kicks"

full thoughts under the cut:

to start out with I am a big fan of the lore, I did every quest every zone and had a lot of fun with it all, good and bad. tidbits about my rook since it does affect the story here and there and my thoughts on some things: Mateo is a transman, rogue, crow, elf, romanced lucanis, mainly did purple with a bit of blue options (much like my hawke)

starting with the good stuff:

-I loved the companions and how they interacted with each other and with the lighthouse itself. it made it feel very homey like the tempest in MEA, since they would move around and talk with one another. and that they could start relationships with other characters (even ones not in your team) it made it feel a bit more dynamic like these people are here with you not for you.

-I also enjoyed how they would have things to say that were to do with quests you completed or choices you'd made (kinda wish you could get them to trigger by stepping away and coming back even if it only works when they're solo. they do shift if you save and reload at least)

-I loved that you could canonly choose to be trans and it would have special options (like relating to lucanis and taash in different ways) and it makes me wonder what other options from the mirror open up in convos.

-I also loved that there were quite a few trans and NB characters who's VAs were also trans and NB. it was a really nice touch.

-the combat was fun, I do want to check out the other classes when i start a second playthrough (lets see if i'm strong enough to romance someone different cause i don't think i am! lol) and see what's different when playing someone who's cis or a human or a warden

-a lot of the controls were really familiar and easy to adjust to (aside from jump/climb being F instead of space, who decided that? do you know how many times i hit space expecting to jump and just slid instead??) so it was pretty smooth going from playing ffxvi to dav.

-the twists in the story were well executed and man did it make me cry in a few places. wish the one didn't lock you out of an entire vendor so early in but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i'll just keep that in mind for my second playthrough, i never expect the first to go completely smooth anyhow.

-I also loved seeing some familiar faces though i wish it was a bit... well. more complex than what we got. (i'll expand on that below) but what we had? oh it was nice.

-the environment felt very vast and I loved that there was a lot to explore and find. and plenty of cats to pet.

-I loved Lucanis's romance, and while I do wish there was more, I'm pretty happy with what we had and what I can build on through art and fics (already having some ideas percolating heheheh) but I also seem to end up picking the romances that are more off screen anyhow (looking at you Reyes)

-The companion quests were also all really well done and felt unique. I liked that they weren't all just combat quests and some were more relaxing. and that you can just meet up with them while you're working on something in that area if you didn't bring that specific companion with you.

-in the end i actually didn't mind only having two companions with you. it felt off here and there because it's been such a staple to have 3 in the series, but it worked out well enough same for not being able to control your party members (mind you i'm not someone who likes playing turn based (why i'm struggling with bg3) so i can see that bothering people who play like that) the only time not being able to control your team really bugged me is when i was trying to get some action shots for drawing refs. i'll keep trying with photo mode maybe i'll get lucky XD

-btw photo mode is awesome

-the final push felt a lot like the suicide mission at the end of ME2, that's mostly a compliment. I'm a completionist so i had everything maxed out and done when i got to it so I was ready to go but i wonder how bad things can go if you didn't since there's a whole room for the fallen.

-i loved the final slides (the last one in particular made me cry) and it reminded me of the line at the end of rvb season 14 about telling stories. and honestly i loved that

-the little references to things really tickled me. kalluzeb, kotor, and dungeon meshi to name a few. I'm going to be keeping my eye out for ones i missed now that i can safely dig through the tags.

-there's a ton more things i loved but they get a bit more spoilery than I'd like to get with this post!

-oh yea! and no fall damage is for sure an amazing thing. i jumped off so much stuff before i realized it won't break your legs.

and the things i didn't like so much:

-motion sickness leaking through my seabands wasn't great. i had all the settings for it adjusted but some effects would still trigger it, not as bad as some games but it was still there.

-where i loved how the companions interacted i also didn't like the fact it relied on you returning to the lighthouse after every single mission. there was a lot of stuff i likely missed because i was so wrapped up in doing side quests or wandering around in a certain area rather than going back after each thing and poking everyone.

-I also wished that they would interact with rook more. It felt like rook was checking in on them helping with their problems and being a shoulder to lean on but never the other way around. (aside from varric)

-the pacing on the story was awkward in places, and felt like you had to go out of your way to find side missions and interact with companions rather than it be a fluid experience. it can be a complicated thing to integrate especially if there's a lot of shifting things around internally leading up to the game being finished so it's not a killer for me but can be a bit of a pain.

-not being able to import anything from the previous games (except the 3 from dai) and many of the letters you receive from the quizzy definitely feel like they just kinda wanted to wipe the slate clean and start new and I have some real mixed feelings about that. I don't mind a soft reset but i think it could've been handled better

-I do wish that the cameos we had had some. slight. variation based on previous choices. (using isabella as a main example, i wish she could've had like the red favor if hawke romanced her or didn't mention learning about family in kirkwall if she bailed in act 2) there's a few cameos i think would've made sense to have and references that wouldn't've been too hard to include (vaea was mentioned so it would've been nice to hear about fenris, and with us being in weishaupt it would've been nice to have some sign of hawke since they were there, even an anders mention from isabella. seeing cullen at the final push with the inquisitor (or whoever not dorian or solas y'all romanced). little things without needing to hire extra VAs or anything)

-could use the ability to place waypoints on the map. and the ability to dye gear. it'd just be a nice to have, i'm sure there's mods rolling out already at least

-I do wish the conversation options were a bit more varied. yea i like playing a sarcastic and kind character but I wish there was a bit more of the option to kinda be mean. i mean rook's kinda gotten stuck with a job they weren't planning on ever having let them be rude now and then, as a treat.

-while i loved the romance (as mentioned above) i did miss the ability to get a little smooch or something like in previous games (which is something i miss in other games with romances as well so it's not a nock on dav itself but still something i wished we had gotten) and that they were a little bit. more. not like explicit, but i would've liked a little kiss for good luck before the final battle kinda thing like they have in DA2

-The "virmire" situation felt... off to me, like it was done for shock value rather than a meaningful moment (similar to what happened with torian and vette) and that it was kinda out of the blue rather than something that made sense narratively.

-without spoiling anything major there were a few lore explanations I felt were a bit. unnecessary or could've been done better or expanded on better, or changes that felt a little strange to do that could've been better explained (like the crows)

that's kinda it for things that bugged me. nothing that would make me hate the game but little things that made me go >.> lol

One small hope I have is that they patch in a citadel dlc type of thing, something that has no impact on the story itself but is just kinda fun with your companions. have a little party at the lighthouse right before the final push like in ME3 >:3

There's a "secret" ending after the credits and a few things brought up throughout the game that make me curious where they'll go with the next game.

All in all i thought the game was really great and I can't wait to see my friends sharing their rooks and art and screenshots and stuff!

[vinxwatches]

fallout (2024)

WARNING: i did not finish this. i didn't want to finish this. do not read or watch if you like happy stories. do not read or watch if you like the darkness in the fallout games. this show is dark in gruesome, permanently damaging ways. fuck this. the show may fucking nail the aesthetic of fallout, it doesn't get the vibe of fallout. fallout is set in a serious world where video game characters go through a video game plots in a world that's also often goofy. an equivalence would be if the mario movie had a serious burial of Luigi half way through and he just stayed dead. a clear sign that it doesn't get it.

trigger warning: gore, dismemberment of the living and dead. the dog dies.

as a big fan of fallout 4, even fallout 76, and a letsplay of Fnv this is very hype. and the references they are putting in straight is so cool to see. and damn, that's how you start a fallout. and now jus the references, seriously the vault hallways looks straight up lifted from fallout 4 (with high definition mods)

a vault having connections with a different vault? so that either is a process of kicking people the fuck out, or the evil experiment from vault tech... probably both. also love that they don't avoid the fucked up lore that really makes fallout fallout.

oh yea, this is how you start a fallout part 2, the personal angle. kind of bummed that she doesn't start with the classic bulky 10mm. and of course there's something about the protaganists family, because this is bethesda fallout (not derogatively, just perfect adaptation)

me, out loud: "ohhh, that's the pridwin, that's so cool" if you get me to talk out loud you did good. petty power politics? how very fallout of you. "i'm bringing him home". i'm very sorry but that's not how fallout works.

also loves that bethesda continues with inclusivity. Dane is nonbinary, played by a trans actor. it's so small, it plays no role (at least i find it HIGHLY unlikely that it will. nb people are just part of reality, and so they are now (finally) entering media.

the fucking junk jet made it in?

just "the ghoul". i wonder if we'll get more info on what ghouls are. i mean i know. i've probably heard more false things then there's true stuff about ghouls to know. but if you're new to fallout i think the vault is relatively obvious, and the brotherhood is pretty well explained. but the concept of a ghoul? practivally nothing outside of them being scary, can go "feral", and are weird. but it is only the first episode.

02

it wouldn't be fallout without skeletons in strange positions and/or environmental story telling. did they use fallout sound effects for the weird man drinking water? it may not be but that is diamond city. at least based of it. it looks so fallout that i can't even remember which of the places i've had a shootout in it reminds me of, it's too many.

not a fan of living gore. like fallout game gore is fine. shooting limbs of completely mindless things? fine. but not on a person, espcially not one that's then crudely taken care of. i'm way too terrified of something happening to me, it tends to roam in my mind anyways, even more so now that i've a reason to give a shit about my body, so the dismemberment of the living... ew, please, no more. at least it doesn't stick around too long (in which case why? just to be gross?)

"cyanide was the most humane product vault tech ever made"... accurate yet horrifying.

03

oh... so that's who the ghoul is. and that, well it'll create drama, and i'm curious how close it's to the story of nuka break. haven't seen that show in too long.

me, out loud, after wondering what that monster was "oh of course it was a gulper. wait, no, those are east coast, this was west coast." not really a plothole, monsters from one side often make their way to the other. harder for a water based creature. unless the same thing evolved twice.

oh, those eyes weren't just more human then expect. that thing was human... once.

the golden rule is severely lacking. don't do onto others as you'd have them to onto you. if i was into bondage and often horney how do you think it'd treat people if the golden rule was. a good rule is "treat others how they want to be treated" or "treat others how you can reasonably expect they want to be treated". the golden rule of the wasteland is pretty accurate though: "thou shalt get sidetracked by bullshit every goddamn time". this rule is, in fact, recursive.

of course the waterchip is broken. this is fallout after all.

04

ok, no, i'm done. no dismemberment of main characters. fuck you. even if she does get it back. i'm done.

[calypsolemon]

One of the many reasons you're wrong is that no one has ever said that transmascs can't harm transfems. We are equal in the oppression we face and TMA/TME discourse does, in fact, exist entirely as a euphemism, people are constantly using it as a synonym for transmasc without even realizing how mask off it is. That is who you were talking about, literally, and it's insanely disingenuous to pretend like everyone else is weird for noticing your plain English. Right now people are still spreading the lie that the person who coined the term "androphobia" has a fetish for raping trans lesbians, when it was actually him indulging his girlfriend's kink and these same people loudly insist a trans woman's kinks can never be side-eyed for any reason at all. The blatant hypocrisy is just so revolting.

And that's not even getting into the millions of ways this stuff hurts transfems, but I'd be more than happy to educate you on transfeminism unless you're unwilling to listen to a trans WLW voice.

I've quite literally seen people claim that transmascs can't harm transfems. I've seen this take. With my eyes. And I simply cannot bow to the idea that transmascs and transfems are equal in their oppression when only one of those are being categorically picked off this website one by one by staff, and only one of those has a whole widespread popular hate movement centered around ousting them from the queer community and legislating them out of existence.

I am not unwilling to listen to a transfem voice. The only reason why these asks have been answered at all instead of resulting in an immediate block is because it's coming from a transfem. But like literally all you have said so far is a massive "nuh-uh" to me talking about the things I've actually witnessed people doing, tell me I'm saying shit I haven't said, brought up a discourse I didn't even mention (my feelings on "transandrophobia" as a transmasc nb are kinda moot bc I simply don't like to define my own oppression by that term regardless of it's origin), and made a condescending response to my original post. I don't see why YOUR VOICE in specific is the only one I should listen to rather than the many transfems I see openly discussing their experiences with harassment on this website. ESPECIALLY when the post that sparked this discussion in the first place was me talking about my own feelings regarding why I'm distrustful of the rhetoric of rejecting TME because it literally reflects my own experiences with being told I can't define my oppressors. You assumedly wanna make space for transmascs to talk about their oppression, but apparently I can't discuss how my own community makes me uncomfortable with the rhetoric it has decided to recycle without getting "schooled" on a untagged post that had like 6 whole notes before you reblogged it.

So no, I'm not particularly interested in being educated at the university of keeping my eyes closed and not forming my own opinion

[angelicfangs]

gender rambling under the cut

i really don't think i've ever met/seen another person who has the same experience with/outlook on gender that i do.

with some things that i experience physical dysphoria around, there is legitimately no possible way to correct it in a way that would satisfy me, and even if there was, i really want to avoid any unnecessary medical procedures. i am going to get surgery for one thing, which will help, but the fact that i have to get it done at all bothers me, as does the fact that i'll have scars and my results may not look natural.

even just with the way i think about things, i feel disconnected from some other trans/nb people i know. i've found some people in the lesbian community who i can relate to, particularly butches and those with a complicated relationship to gender. but as awesome as lesbians are, i'm not one, and it's still not quite the same.

i see so many trans/nb people talking about gender euphoria, the rightness they feel with transitioning socially, medically, or otherwise. i'm happy for them, but hearing people talk about expressing themselves in more masculine/feminine ways rings hollow for me. i don't like putting effort into "masculinity" or "femininity" because none of it is real. the more you try to define what masculinity or femininity is, the less you're able to. there was a period of my life where i performed femininity, and there was also a time where i performed masculinity. i was uncomfortable regardless. i wish that gender and gender roles didn't exist at all. it would be so much easier for people to know what they really like without social coercion. if someone needed or wanted to transition, they could, but that would have no bearing on behavior or anything else. i tried going to a support group for trans/nb adults, and i cried so hard afterwards because i felt so alone and unconnected to them. so different.

i've also heard some people (usually in bad faith, and often transphobic) suggest that AFAB people only ever want to transition because of a desire to escape misogyny, or because they believe that women can't be gnc. i've thought about that for so long, and even addressed it in therapy, and i know that that just isn't true for me. i think gnc people are absolutely so cool and amazing, no matter what their sex, gender, or expression. there are some truly amazing women in my life who i think the world of, and who are powerful, kind, and feminist. i don't shave or wear makeup, and i do my best to be conscious of the ways our patriarchal and misogynistic culture affects me. in some ways i wish i WAS a masculine woman, because then at least i would know who i am. and i could find other people like me. but even though i stopped performing gender (to the best of my conscious ability, stuff like this can be insidious after all) years ago, i'm not happy and i'm not satisfied.

i've worked out that some level of physical transition is necessary for me, but not exactly what or when. but i think the bigger thing that weighs on me is just the absolute, all-consuming nature of gender in every aspect of our culture. everything is gendered, and i hear people enforce gender roles every single day. it feels crushing and inescapable, like a perpetual break of a tsunami.

[tundrainafrica]

hi, maybe you're tired about this kind of convie regarding hange's gender but i really need your opinion. is it that wrong if i consider hange as a she? istg i'm not anythingphobic, i'm just still stuck with female hange in anime. i stan aot since 2013 and felt just fine to open up about my preference in hange's gender but lately, considering hange as a she is like the most sinful thing in the whole planet and even being attacked and i don't know what to feel about it. 😩

Thank you for the ask anon! 

Lmao, I am tired of this discourse but I’ve kinda accepted that it’s never gonna end really so I’m still happy to give you my opinion about this again. 

I have written about it here.

Before I go into this long ramble again I’d like to clarify some terms which tend to pepper the discourse of gender, sexuality etc etc etc. 

Biological Sex: What genitalia where you born with? Either born male, female or with both genitalia. 

Gender: What do you identify as? CIS, Trans, Nonbinary etc.

Sexuality: Who are you attracted to? Homosexual, Heterosexual, Bisexual, Asexual, Pansexual etc. 

Gender roles: Where do you fall on the gradient? Feminine, Masculine etc. 

And the point of this is, the discourse on gender is soooo complicated. Like very complicated because Hange being interpreted as NB to some people only covers the question of gender. Like these do not cover every other facet of the gender sexuality discourse. 

Because everything up there is ‘mutually exclusive’ to a degree because everyone is so complex. Like you can take a random option in each of those, fit it together in our heads and you would still come up with a realistic person. Because that is how complex human beings are. I have friends who decided to get a boyfriend, realized they were trans, transitioned to male but had both boyfriends and girlfriends. I have a butch lesbian friend who dated a few guys then decided to date girls then decided to transition. You have me who literally tried everything on the sexuality spectrum, crushed on a few girls in high school, crushed on a few more girls in college, thought I was asexual for a while, fell in love with a guy and realized I love dick. 

You can actually have a biological male who identifies as nonbinary but is bisexual  but has feminine tendencies. 

And that’s why even I find it so confusing to address the issue of non binary Hange vs female Hange. Because they are not even in the same bracket. Like we can have a non binary female feminine bisexual Hange all at the same time if you think about it. 

If you have read all my fics and all of my meta about Hange, you would see that I refer to her as a ‘she,’ but at the same time, I do not portray Hange as overly feminine. I headcanon that Hange has tried dating women and I also head canon that Hange has female genitalia (yo, I write preggo Hange fics). She actually falls somewhere in the middle. And what makes the gender part so hard to consider is because usually whether someone decides to identify as CIS, NB or Trans is up to the person. 

And there are just so many other hcs I want to tackle as a fanfiction writer and as a Hange stan beyond her gender and that’s why I don’t really headcanon the whole discovery part because even as a kid, I have never been so particular about my gender. I know I’m a biologically a woman, I have feminine and masculine tendencies. I have loved both men and women. but gender just seemed like just a decision which I just didn’t want to think too hard about.

I mean where I live, my first language doesn’t have gender pronouns so I can avoid the whole discourse altogether by just using Tagalog. I’m the type of person who will just have this person think I’m a man all the way until they meet me because I just wanna get things done and I feel no need to correct people. My first crushes were all women, despite my being a woman and the first people I have ever loved were women and I didn’t want to decide whether I was bisexual, heterosexual, homosexual etc. yet because even teenage me just found it way too complex and too final and just went around saying I liked this girl or I liked this guy and generally because I’m that type of person, I don’t spend a lot of my time thinking about gender even in a fandom space unless somebody asks.   

And does it make me homophobic/LGBT-phobic etc etc for deciding to use ‘she’ and deciding to tackle questions about Hange beyond her gender? No. Like this conclusion is inherently flawed. I was hella gay for a huge point in my life. 99% of my crushes were women. Then there was this period where I didn’t enjoy romance The only guy irl I have ever crushed on is my current boyfriend. But even when I explored my own gender, sexuality, it was always an ‘in the back of my mind’ thing. I didn’t have huge personal metas about what exactly my gender was or where exactly I fall or what pronouns I prefer.

And nobody is obliged to look so deep into this discourse. The important thing is in real life, we respect people’s pronouns, we respect the names they want to go by and we respect people’s preferences (as long as they aren’t dangerously criminal.)

And the thing is, this isn’t even real life. This is a fandom space. And in a fandom space, everyone is literally interpreting characters however they want. We have people literally pairing off Levi with both men and women and technically we’re assuming Levi’s gender, sexuality etc. Sure it might diverge from canon but does that make our headcanon any less than the others? Like Levi’s sexuality has never been confirmed and technically we’re all just assuming what kind of person Levi would have wanted to fuck right? Like every yaoi pairing, every ship is just fans assuming someones gender, assuming someone’s sexuality. 

And sure people could argue, ‘Yams’ didn’t confirm her gender. But Yam’s didn’t confirm anyone’s sexuality either but here we are pairing Mikasa off with Annie then pairing Mikasa off with Eren. Like same energy with ships, are there ships which are inherently superior to others? And technically, I could headcanon Levi as a woman if I wanted to and no one could stop me. I mean sure let’s celebrate that some of our headcanon and preferences have been acknowledged but what battle are we trying to win here really. 

To answer your question, it is not wrong. Having any opinion and having whatever headcanon you have about any fandom in this space is not wrong.

Sure, Hange is a comfort character to many people for various reasons. Hange is a comfort character for me but Hange is not any single person’s comfort character. Hange is a gift to us by Yams to interpret and play with however we want. Hell, every other character we’ve ever grown to love was a gift to all of us by the author. And we can choose to hc them however we want. That is the magic of fandoms.

If I wanted to, I could make some eruri and ereri mpreg fics for the kicks, I could interpret Levi as every single gender, sexuality on the spectrum and it would be just as valid. I mean I won’t because I don’t jive with those headcanons or those types of ships but I would respect people who have those types of preferences.

This space is free for everyone. We can choose what we want to consume and we can choose how we want to interpret characters. 

The only responsibility we have as fans is to use the right warnings when we post shit and to respect everybody else’s preferences. 

What I would consider ‘sinful’ is just dropping some unnecessary hate into a place which is supposed to be our safe space or pushing an agenda or an opinion and being hateful about it in the process. Like sure, spread your agenda, spread your opinions and your headcanons but please be nice about it.

We’re all just sad people trying to survive in this crapsack world.

[colour-outside-the-liness]

Oh nice sounds like the baby will have a very loving support system and family with all of you around! OMG I cackled at the Monica Gellar reference and I understand your pain hahaha.

Oh god I hate flying, which is surprising bc of how many times I've done it now. 10h+ flights are the worst haha. Ah then you'll love the -30C Canadian winter temperatures haha. 🥶

I think making Dani a scorpio makes sense bc of how thirsty she is haha 😂 and the jealousy 👀. SLS is my favourite of yours btw! Think I left you a comment on AO3 practically begging you to continue working on it hahaha. (And you replyed saying you would update it eventually ty!)

Oh so badgers are kinda like opossums then. They're called texugos in Portuguese (we have them here too) which I've heard of before but never seen one irl. Honestly boring sounds great, better than having to run into wild animals and having to survive that haha.

Oh God I'm sorry you had to go through all that in the middle of a pandemic or at all actually, and I'm glad you survived and are doing much better now!

Idk I feel like I'm in a dilemma bc part of me is excited for any kind of representation of sapphic relationships but then I kinda feel like they're feeding us crumbs when we deserve so much more. It's not that I don't want to see tragic wlw stories (and they're all wlw bc apparently nb people don't exist) it's more like that seems to be the only kind representation we have and that's painfully close to reality already.

Ah now I'm curious to know what you sound like haha. And hey it's never too late to learn new languages! You might struggle more that's true but it's not impossible. I think Dani's accent is cute but I think it's bc I'm into VP more than anything 😅.

I'll be leaving you alone for a while now (finally haha) bc I've taken more work than I can handle (yet again) but I'm looking forward to seeing more of your fics in the future! Take care!👋 ✨

The baby is gonna have so much love and such a strong support system seriously they don't even know how much yet but when they get older they're gonna be so shocked!! Haha that's genuinely how I feel haven't had to live with a boy since I lived at home and my dad was still alive and my brothers were at home too I've just lived with women for so long now I am not ready to have to live with another boy/ man I actually really loved flying and with my first one being a long haul flight I feel like I could handle a lot of things with flying now it's a shame you dislike it so much!! Oh yeah that sounds like my kind of weather I would LOVE that!! Haha I'm glad it makes sense especially for that story!! Awwh thank you for saying it's your favourite that makes me happy!! And yeah I will definitely update it again eventually- the next chapter is one of my favourites so far it's a pretty long one but a lot happens in it and also there's a great shoutout to a movie musical in it that I recommenced to anyone that will listen and it's gonna be recommended in the next chapter haha but the songs in it are gonna be something that really makes Dani think about what she wants in life I've never seen an opossum they're not something we have here I don't think I'd love to see one though we don't have raccoons either which is a shame because they're my favourite animal!! I mean... I've been chased by some animals like swans, and geese, and ducks, and cows but never anything really scary haha Yeah it was a really scary time for me but I powered on and made it out the other side alive so I can't really complain too much and I'm doing a lot better now too which is great!! Yeah I feel the same!! I think we need more trans representation, both trans women/ men and nb people like there is hardly any representation out there for trans men or women and even less for nb people and that just sucks!! The LGBTQIA+ community needs better and happier representation I'm sick of seeing LGBTQIA+ characters being killed off of the relationships being unhealthy or them cheating like is it too much to ask for to give us positive representation and more of it? Haha I hate my voice and accent so I doubt I'll ever show anyone what I sound like (maybe if I had a really good reason to) but I just hate the sound of my voice like so much!! I just struggle really but I am gonna see about taking some classes after work maybe when I start my new job and see if I can learn a new language because I've always thought it would be fun!! How many languages do you speak? Dani's accent is adorable and her voice is just so lovely too!! Haha I get that feeling I am into VP no matter what character it is that she's playing like I am just really into her haha Don't say finally!! I've loved these little chats we've had they've been so nice and a lot of fun!! No I hope work goes okay and that you're still taking plenty of time to take care of yourself!! Awwh thank you, I really hope you like them when you read them and I hope you take care too!! ☺️💜

[plague-of-insomnia]

Hi, would it be ok for me to ask how did you know you were non-binary? I'm questioning and would like to get some opinions, but no pressure to answer if this is too personal!!

So I got this ask months back, and with everything that has gone on with my health I wasn’t able to answer it... so I don’t know if the person who sent this will even see it, but since it’s pride month I figured it was a good time to get to the queer/questioning asks that have been languishing in my poor ask box/drafts...

First of all, I don’t mind questions like this; if I ever find an ask too personal I’ll usually just ignore it, but something like this I think is important especially since NB is such a... underrepresented concept, for lack of a better word, so sometimes that lack of exposure plus the very broad nature of the label can make the whole questioning process confusing and stressful.

Honestly, for a looong time I had no idea I wasn’t cis.

I didn’t know that you could be anything other than male and female; I grew up in pretty conservative Latin American immigrant family, Catholic, so the idea of homosexuality was bad enough, lol.

I was very involved in the (then called) “Gay/Straight” alliance back in high school, as we had quite a few gay and lesbian students and teachers. I had mostly queer friends, but even binary transgender people weren’t... as prominent back then. Ofc they existed, but I didn’t have as much exposure in HS, and I went to a catholic college where many gay students had to essentially be closeted—for example, (openly) gay men weren’t technically allowed in fraternities. I loved my school, but some of its views on women and LGBTQ+ people were pretty dark age stuff, so again I had no idea that gender was a broader spectrum than simply male/female, cis or trans.

As far back as at least around early puberty, I created a kind of alter ego. A character opposite my birth sex, who was unlike any other I ever created and who has stayed with me my whole life. They helped me survive my childhood/adolescence. They felt very much “me” and yet weren’t simply the person I was in actuality made into the opposite gender. More like the aspects of my self/identity I knew subconsciously.

Often, when I fantasized, I would put myself into their role. Imagine being the other gender, what their body would feel like, what sex would be like. I’d ask friends i was comfortable with about what it felt like to be the opposite gender. I felt I needed to know so that I could “feel” it too. So I could truly imagine being a gender other than my own, with different parts, different secondary sex characteristics.

Yet at the same time, I felt comfortable enough with my birth sex that I explained these moments away. I was just thinking like a writer. Curious, bc that’s my nature. I never thought I could be trans because despite the power of these feelings, the sometimes intense longing I felt to be other than I was, the thought of completely changing my body, abandoning my assigned gender, felt horrible. Like I would be losing part of myself.

I first heard the term nonbinary during Pride. I had never encountered this before, and being who I am immediately looked it up. I was floored. Gender was a spectrum? You could be both male and female??

I felt like I had been hit by lightning.

I immediately reflected on a lifetime of “queer” thoughts. About my alter ego and how I had clung so tightly to them, how often I fantasized about having parts I didn’t have (without necessarily wanting to take away parts that I already did). How I went through phases where I dressed very masculine in some points of my life and very feminine in others. How I related so strongly to certain characters over others, and other past experiences that I had always managed to discard or shelve away in “comfortable” boxes.

And I reflected on how I had always had this... shame about these thoughts and feelings, this fear that they made me a “freak,” which might be why I had always been so quick to file them away with safe labels.

Discovering that I wasn’t alone was liberating. I read about and spoke to people who identified as NB, and often found they had a similar thoughts and experiences growing up as I did, and that helped cement in my mind, without a doubt, that I was also nonbinary, that I wasn’t purely male or female, but both.

I’ve suffered with depression my entire life, and am likely bipolar (something my current therapist agrees with, though I haven’t been formally diagnosed for various reasons). And once I opened my eyes and began questioning, I discovered that a significant part of my depression was actually tied to my gender dysphoria.

Exploring my gender identity in various ways, and finally accepting that I am NB/gender fluid has made me much more content.

Now, ofc there is no one way to be non-binary. So just bc my experience doesn’t align with what you’re feeling, doesn’t mean you’re not NB yourself.

Some people don’t feel any gender at all, and wish they didn’t have any secondary sex characteristics. Some want to be purely androgynous. Some feel mostly one binary gender or another, but maybe not “fully” male or female. Some feel a mix of both, and some shift between two or more genders.

For me, I feel like I’m always partly male and partly female, though sometimes one is more dominant than the other. Sometimes I’ll have gender dysphoria so bad that looking at cis bodies can be very upsetting, or the feeling of “missing” parts I feel I have/should have is so intense it’s almost all I can think about. Yet other times I feel pretty “stable.” Sometimes I feel like I’m thinking a lot about my gender and my presentation and others I barley think about it at all, I just “am.”

I feel freer now that I have shifted names and pronouns. Like I’m finally accepting my full self.

A huge part of why I enjoy playing Animal Crossing so much is bc I can indulge my gender fluidity by playing with how I dress my character... it brings me a lot of peace I can’t always get IRL.

I hope whoever reads this finds this helpful, original anon or anyone who might be wondering if they may be NB or not.

Feel free to send other asks if you’d like, or if you know me you can DM me and we can talk privately. 💕

Happy Pride 🏳️‍🌈

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

hi. I'm questioning my gender. I used to identify as cis-female, but I keep wondering if I might be more like female-aligned nb. I definitely don't feel male at all, but I'm not 100% comfortable with the social construct of what a woman should be like. idk if I'm nb or just cis, but not the stereotypical woman. Also I'm bi & way more attracted to female & female-aligned people or male people who possess stereotypical female traits, like sharing feelings etc Do you have advice or reading tips?

gender is so difficult, nonnie. it sounds like you are struggling over whether your identity is "gender nonconforming woman" or as you said "female aligned nonbinary person". ultimately i think the only way to find out for sure is to just try some labels on for yourself for a time and see what feels best. if you have supportive friends, you can ask them to subtly change their language around your gender (ie using they/them pronouns) and see if that makes you happy. i feel like thats really when most of us who are trans really figured out or realized, when we started experimenting & found out how happy it made us to hear ourselves referred to as our actual gender.

a few things you mention though does sound like some internalized misogyny. you dont need to be the stereotype to be a woman. this is not to say that youre not nonbinary, but that i think its something important for you to consider as well. womanhood isnt confined to what cisheteronormativity says it is, & if you dont fit that, that doesnt necessarily mean youre not a woman.

i think it might be helpful for you to look into writings on deconstructing gender. judith butlers work on gender as performative i think might help if you have access to it. ive also heard a lot of good things abt the book "stone cold butch blues" i havent read it personally yet but ive seen a lot of ppl both cis & trans cite it as helpful & very enlightening to them re their own gender.

i hope this is a little helpful to you nonnie. Im a trans man and ive definitely taken on many labels for my gender prior to figuring myself out so just know there are many different identities out there and you may have to go through a few before you figure it out and thats okay ! :)

Wes

EDIT: lol I was typing at the same time so I’ll just copy paste what I wrote

I have gone through asking myself exactly these questions so I’ll pass on the best advice I could ever have read at the time. I was looking at the blog @trans-mom and someone asked her a similar question to this and she said something like ‘cis people don’t question their gender’ and it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. I think that I’d been afraid that I’d be wrong about not being cis, that I would be infringing upon a community that I wasn’t really entitled to be a part of and that I couldn’t claim to not be cis until I was 100% sure. In a way those fears were very similar to how I first felt when I started to question my sexuality (and how many of our anons here seem to feel too).

But once I realised that cis people don’t wonder if they’re cis, I immediately felt like I was allowed to identify as ‘not-cis’. Which I did at first, literally just ‘not-cis’. And that was a huge weight off my mind which then freed me up to explore the trans/nb community and try out various labels and genders without feeling like I was encroaching on someone else’s space.

So I guess my advice to you is don’t worry about whether or not you’re cis and just let yourself explore as much as you need.

Max

[the-scarecrxw]

4, 6, 38

ALSO I MISS U TOO 😭😭

I’m so bad at talking to people but I think about you all the time 🥺

- @nsfwitchy2

ahhh yeah I miss u so much witchy!!! I'm very bad at talking to people too but legit you see anything you think I'd like just dm me! pop me a meme, art, etc, IDC!! I'm always happy when people message me :)

(cw for brief discussion of sexual themes, not gonna go all out on tagging this thing, just beware ig)

Past labels you’ve used? + What made you realize your current labels fit you?

oh my god I've gone through soo many. first I was heteroflexible. then bisexual. then pansexual. then pan aromantic greyasexual. then then Gender hit me. genderfluid. genderqueer. then I dropped the aromantic bc I truly have no idea wtf romantic attraction is. then I just said fuck it and went with non-binary. then I back pedaled to bi mostly bc I prefer the flag over pan's flag. then I went full tilt nb butch lesbian for awhile, then went back to bi hesitantly. then I started having dreams where I was born male and dressed femme and I was so happy in the dreams and so so sad when I woke up that it hit me that oh wait I'm kinda a boy, huh. I don't fuck around much with labels now, I don't stress too much about it. To anyone outside the queer community I'll say I'm a bisexual transman, but if I had to define I'd say I'm biromantic asexual transmasculine, T4T preferred. truly the dream would be to be gnc amab but we can't have that huh. the bi is cuz like... as woman aligned I never felt comfortable being attracted to men, but when I realized I was transmasc I very suddenly had my attraction to men turn up to 11. But I'm picky about what type of man i would date. like a cis men would make me cautious, especially if they're bi bc I guess I'd be afraid they'd just see me as the "best of both worlds" sorta shit, male but pretty and has an easy access hole. A cis gay man I suppose I'd be more comfortable with bc he wouldn't see me as a woman bc he's gay. I think I'd also have that bi worry with cis women but honestly I feel so much more comfortable around women vs cis men that I couldn't be too picky. Straight women who date transmen tho? beloved. Also I'm very trans4trans. would love to date another trans person. tres magnifique. the asexual is bc I realized I don't... like... sex. for myself with other people. in person. I'll sext, I do nsfw rp, I'll jerk it on my own with porn, but I have never been totally comfortable or able to orgasm with another person (well. I've only been there twice but ejfjshdb) But I'm also a naturally kinky person but those lend well to some of my sexuality. and the transmasc instead of transman is bc I still feel a slight ... kindred spirit with femininity I guess. I like "girl" talks with my girl friends sometimes. Also if I could be very gnc and still be seen as a man I would. so fucking hard. like fuck. so yeah. also I still have no clue about romantic feelings but I think that's the autistic in me.

Do you own pride merch? Would you like to?

I would like to! But only from queer small businesses honestly. big corp pride can go home. I bought my pronoun pin from a queer Etsy store, and I think that's my only "pride" stuff. I do have a few rainbow items, like a pair of suspenders and a baseball cap my mom bought for me that says "love" in rainbow on it, but I rarely have opportunity to wear either (and I don't like hats) OH I do have a mini rainbow flag I got years ago for free at my first and only pride event I've been to, and also a rainbow patterned washcloth for free from the statefarm booth they had at the event lmao. but yeah I'd love more pride stuff ugh

[theclaravoyant]

I've been questioning my gender too lately and I just want to know what made you realise you're NB? I'm struggling to figure mine out. Xxx

No worries, I am happy to help!

The story of it all got a little long so my key tips/bits of info I picked up are:

Try to start from a position of gender neutrality. Ask yourself, if I had not been assigned this gender at birth, what would I be?

Remember that dysphoria is about discomfort and disconnect; it does not have to be a strong, aggressive, instantly recognisable experience, and you may be surprised when you reflect how it shows up in you.

Accept flexibility and not-knowing on your journey. Don’t be afraid to try things out and see what sticks.

Familiarise yourself with a wide range of gender diverse experiences. This will give you things you can relate to and identify with, which will help you navigate the waters of gender identity. This has been extremely helpful for me as I have heard some experiences that very much resonate with me, and that more than anything has given me the confidence to explore my identity and to come out.

That’s the short version of my advice, but there’s a bit more detail and explanation below the cut. I am super happy to give more examples and things like that, or explain/clarify, etc, but this should get the ball rolling :D

First of all, a couple of years ago when I was basically introduced to the concept of trans people and gender questioning (rather than the ‘always knowing’ narrative), and I was contemplating my sexuality at the same time, I decided I might as well question my gender as well. However it was soon clear to me that I was/am not a man or trans-masculine, because basically it sort of… didn’t make sense to me on an intimate level, Like, I understood the concept of being trans, but the being a man part I could never imagine or grasp. I didn’t want a penis, I didn’t want he/him pronouns, but on another level a bit more intimate than that… It’s a bit hard to explain, but basically I went “could I be a man? probably not? cool”.

At that time I had not heard of nonbinary people and though over the years I became more aware of nonbinary genders and such, I always thought of it like “I’ve questioned my gender already, it’s time to question my sexuality now”. I didn’t revisit my gender questioning with this new information until a few months ago. When I did, it was in the wake of several things - for example, the exclusion of trans & nb people in debates about marriage equality going on in my country last year made me much more aware of them as a people, as a community, as well as their issues, relationships etc. Seeing trans people in media, and my first nb person! (Syd from ODAAT), also helped, because it normalised those experiences and started to make them part of my life. Syd was also an example of a nonbinary person who ID’d as gay and was in a relationship with a woman, so this showed me that I could still be who I am essentially, and still potentially be nonbinary. So there was this rep and these resources and awareness slowly sort of trickling in and piling up, and then earlier this year I had a very interesting conversation with a colleague from Amnesty International, where I am quite involved.

This conversation with this colleague was in the context of an LGBTQI+ allyship workshop. We had stickers on which we wrote our name and pronouns and this colleague hadn’t written anything under pronouns. Since she was fairly high up I wanted to get her to participate more fully in the exercise and I was all “fill out those pronouns babe!” (paraphrased) and she shrugged and said “I don’t really have pronouns. I don’t mind, I’ll go by any.” Later in this exercise, we were asked to think about and express where we fell on a spectrum of sexuality and a spectrum of gender.

I asked my colleague about what she had said regarding the pronoun thing and she explained in a little more detail using terms and phrases such as:

I don’t feel like a woman.

I don’t identify with women / as a Rights Holder for women’s rights (at Amnesty, RH basically means a community member as opposed to an ally of that community)

I don’t really care about my gender.

I found these sorts of sentiments really strongly related to me, except that I did care about gender. I wanted an answer to why I felt this way, this disconnect with womanhood, and that’s what (re)ignited my questioning process. I found that a lot of nb people, especially those somewhat aligned with their gender assigned at birth, expressed similar sentiments, including Rebecca Sugar, a creator of Stephen Universe (which I don’t watch, I just stumbled across a video clip recently of SDCC where she says):

I like both she/her and they/them. I am fine with being perceived as a woman, but it’s not something I really identify with internally, which is why I’ve been hesitant to talk about it, but I think that the characters in the show have been a really wonderful way to express myself because I think, like, many of the Gems, they don’t mind being seen as women, and it’s sort of part of their experience, but it’s not something they really think about, about themselves. That’s very much how I feel.

This was RIGHT on the money for me. So my first main bit of advice would be, search for those experiences and don’t be too willing to disregard experiences that gel with you. They mean something. Other things I found incredibly valuable to my questioning process include:

Start from a position of gender neutrality. Similar to removing heteronormativity when we are questioning sexuality, this can be difficult to do or even conceptualise, but it might be worth trying to start from a place of, “if I had not been assigned this gender at birth, what would I be?” I found that my experience of questioning my sexuality gave me good practice in this regard, as I sort of found that I was just ID’ing as a woman because that’s what I always had been, just as many people ID as straight because they just sort of… are, or haven’t had the resources to recognise they’re not yet.

For me an example of this is pronouns. My mother and I were talking about gender neutral pronouns (in general), and she told me she found them weird and dehumanising whereas I was completely fine with them. However, what she was describing sounds very much like feeling misgendered, including how I would feel if someone were to refer to me with he/him; I would want instinctively to correct the person speaking. Mum would also feel that with “they/them”. I would not. 

Learn/Remember that dysphoria isn’t always as dramatic or traumatic as ‘popular’ trans narratives make it out to be. It is not always a very strong, clear, sometimes violent experience, like “I need x body parts or I’ll become depressed”. It was not like that for me at all and for a long time I thought I did not experience dysphoria at all, but I do - it’s just that it’s more in the sense of a disconnect with the identity of “woman”. Dysphoria is about discomfort with your perceived or assigned gender. It’s up to you to explore that relationship and that discomfort - eg are you comfortable with your name, your pronouns, your presentation and/or expected presentation? If not, what would you prefer? If you would prefer something associated with the “opposite” gender, you may shift further around the scale than I did. If there is a disconnect, but it’s harder to find something to connect to, then you may be more in the neutral space.

Familiarise yourself with a range of gender diverse experiences. There is no “one way” to be nonbinary, and familiarising myself with a wider range of these experiences helped me to understand that nb isn’t necessarily a third gender of sorts, it’s more like, the space between / beyond / outside “male” and “female”. From there it can then be used as a gender identity, or there are more specific ID labels for you to explore. I felt swamped by the specific labels, but I am quite comfortable with the general one. You may prefer to go hunting for a specific one that matches your experience more closely/specifically. Either way, seeking out nonbinary people - whether online or irl - helps you find something and say “that sounds like me! I feel that!” and that’s what it’s all about.

Don’t worry too much about the trolls. It is hard to explore being nonbinary in a world where people from one side or the other are likely to attack for being too special, too political, etc etc. It’s especially hard in terms of the questioning process, if you don’t have a strong sense of dysphoria and/or euphoria guiding you to the right answers. However, it’s important to remember some important things during the questioning process to help you focus on the questioning itself and not the response to the questioning, which can scare you off (and which, I believe, is what was keeping me from coming out). For example:

You can’t fail at identifying as a gender, even if that gender is the one you were assigned at birth, and you don’t have to pick one and be stuck with it for life. You can change genders 50 times if you have to to find the one that suits you best.

Changing your gender doesn’t have to change everything you are. You don’t have to change your name or pronouns or your body, or even your sexuality (though you might have a different relationship with that too) just because you ID as something where people might tend to do that.

Don’t be afraid of being ‘political’ - eg I’m concerned that if/when I come out, people are going to say “is this because you’re gay?” “is this because of your uterus/child having problems?” etc to which many people will answer ‘no’ but to which my answer is actually ‘I don’t know, and I don’t care.’ People should respect you anyway, and you know who you are better than they do. Your gender isn’t defined by your name, pronouns, clothes, hobbies, or anything, but those things - and your relationships with them - can definitely help (and complicate!) this journey.

If you are not sure where exactly you fit, perhaps try out a broad label and work out your place within it as you go. For example, I identified as “wlw” loooong before I found my relationship with terms like gay, lesbian, queer and so on. Nonbinary or genderqueer can be broad labels if you’d like to sit with them for a little while and see what comes to you. Sometimes “well, I’m not x” is the best you can do, and from there just sort of see what happens.

Some blogs you might find helpful to check out include @nonbinaryresource @genderfluidsupport and @nonbinary-suggestions. They often have asks etc in which people describe their gender experiences and look for terms and such.

Again, feel free to ask me any questions, I’m a pretty open book, but I hope this has given you a little help for now!

Much love & good luck~ Clara

[willowaudreykeyes]

Hi! I saw you reblogged a post about LGBT question so I hope I'm not bothering with my silliness haha.

I was wondering how did you come to terms with who you are? Because I'm pretty confused about my sexuality.

I feel comfortable with the word bi honestly but I've not really talked about it loud. I heard the word bisexual (or there is even a thing besides gay) first when I was around 14 and did not really think anything besides being straight. Later around 17 I got interested more in women but I was and kinda still am doubting myself cause the lgbt friends I have all said they knew something was up wayyy back when they were kids.

I'm kinda all over the place with this topic but I hope it's understandable.

So yeah what do you think I should do and do you have any advice overall in this topic?

Thank you so much for your time and answer! Have a wonderful day and Happy Holidays!!💙

Nah you’re not bothering me at all! I’m really proud of you for reaching out to me about this kind of thing ^-^

How I came to terms with being me... Sorry if this is a little rant-y. 

Well if you or whoever else reads this didn’t know, I’m non-binary. She/her they/them. I first learnt about being gay and lesbian when I met my step-sister, who is a very open lesbian. I was maybe... twelve at the time? She was the first person in the LGBT community I knew, but we weren’t really close at all.

I first learnt about non-binary... at the start of the year actually. Early January. I was 21yrs old and on anti-depressants for the hundredth time (i’ve literally lost count at this point). And for me, things just clicked into place, like a puzzle piece. When I learnt that non-binary was the lack of any gender, I felt happy because it just made so much sense.

The same with asexuality. My family are rather... heavy with the sex jokes and my step-mother and my sister always went “he’s hot” “I wish he did this to me” to actors and yada yada while I just sat there going =/ for three hours. It was uncomfortable. Learning that I was asexual was so liberating because now I know that I’m not the weird one. And they don’t say that kind of stuff as much around me now.

I guess to come to terms to who you are, you just have to look at everything in as many ways as possible. I can’t see myself being called a man, which ruled out being trans and using he/him pronouns for me. I have never actually dated before, but if I think about dating a woman, it’s... not icky, but certainly doesn’t feel right to me. I’d certainly date a guy. I’ve never met anyone non-binary in real life so that one is still up in the air for me.

The best thing you can do is use what feels the most comfortable to you. If bisexual sounds nice and comfy, then use it. It doesn’t matter how old you are; like I said, I was 21 at the start of the year and that’s when I finally found words that actually fit me. Elliot Page, the actor? He’s 33 and just came out as trans. And I’m sure if you looked, you’d find older people who are just finding out their identities.

And if no words fit, that’s okay too! I personally don’t go by homosexual or heterosexual- Right now I just say that I’d date boys and possibly nb’s. 

And I’m still shaky on it, but I think I’d also be polyamorous, but I wouldn’t really know because I haven’t dated before. But it feels comfy and so I shall keep the word close until it’s not comfy anymore.

Don’t be afraid of being wrong, because you wont be. Even if your trans for a month, or pan for eight years, or grey-aromantic for your whole life up until your sixty-seven; that’s all okay! Because those are who you are until they’re not. Its about feeling comfortable, not about necessity.

I hope this conglomerate of words helps you a little. Everyone has different experiences, but I hope mine help somewhat. Remember that your identity is valid, even if your friends and family tell you otherwise. And again; I am very proud of you for asking me this kind of thing anon! 

You’re amazing and I have your back, even if everything I said here makes less sense then what I think it does. 

Good luck anon <3

[laundryandtaxes]

Hey, sorry if this is a bad question to be asking (or if you're a bad person to be asking about it), but do you have any thoughts on "amab" (for want of a better term here) re-/de-identification? Your thoughts on dysphoria and gender and so on have been helpful (thanks, btw!) but seeing as most/all gender stuff is asymmetric (being defined by power and whatnot), I'm kind wondering what this means w/r/t amab folks considering some sort of transition vs. living as (dysphoric) cis men.

First of all, no problem at all wrt sending me this question! It’s not a bad thing to ask at all.

You certainly have fewer options for community, which sucks. But I don’t think you’re in a very uncommon place- I think men just typically don’t politicize (dislike that term, but you get the idea) their experiences of disidentifying and reidentifying the same way, and I think that for most men the process of disidentifying itself is less immediately harmful to their understanding of themselves. What I mean is that I know several people who identify as amab nb or something but date as gay men, acknowledge that their life circumstances are those of gay men, and don’t really have any issue with it- for them, disidentification is about rejection of male social roles and often heterosexuality, but it doesn’t always come with an understanding of themselves as not functionally men. By contrast, many people who identify as afab nb are deeply offended by lesbians expressing sexual interest in them, do not see place for themselves in women’s spaces, etc. I know (that I know of) two reidentified men and more reidentified and detransitioned women than I can count, and for the first group (while I have a small sample) they were usually impacted the same way by contemporary “male= masculine” gender stuff that impacted women like myself who disidentified for years, but most of them express less trauma around that, or weren’t as hurt by it, or don’t feel that they were pressured specifically because they were being hated as gnc people. So there are different contexts for sure, is what I’m getting at. And I think the fact that for reidentified women, disidentification usually corresponds with childhood gender nonconformity and problems around that, issues around being attracted to other women in a queer culture that takes issue with that, inability to see ourselves as impacted by misogyny because we weren’t feminine, etc, women generally need more community around that. Which isn’t to say that you don’t! I just think a lot of men don’t crave it in the same sense.

I’m not sure, based on your ask, whether you are considering reidentifying or considering transition. What I generally tell people is just to talk to as many people as possible about it while thinking about it really intently because it’s a serious decision. So I tell most people “Talk to a bunch of women who are reidentified, talk to a bunch of trans guys, see the tons of common ground there, and just try to figure out what feels best for you.” Because of fewer men speaking out about their experiences, you’ll certainly have fewer detransitioned or reidentified men to talk to, but there are several YouTubers whose accounts could be useful to you there who’ve talked about their detransitions (I dunno of any who reidentified but never medically transitioned) publicly and that could certainly help.

I do not oppose transition, and I have never advocated making transition more difficult for people to access. I just think that “informed consent” means actually informed, which means talking to multiple perspectives and being careful- for instance, anyone (and there are maaaaaaaaaaany people who do) who still thinks binding can be done “safely” and without harming the body, likely permanently, is just not informed, and would know better if they listened to women like myself who bound “safely” for years and still have issues from it. That’s a problem. It’s a problem when a lot of young women genuinely feel that living as a gender nonconforming woman isn’t an option because nobody around them is doing it anymore because they don’t see anyone do it because it’s so discouraged and stigmatized. But it is your body and what you decide to do with it is absolutely nobody’s call but yours- so I don’t think, like some feminists think, that choosing transition is being weak or some nonsense like that, and I think it’s the best choice for many, many people. It’s also worth noting that, when women detransition, a lot of T effects can be permanent or take years to subside, whereas I think you will generally have an easier time hormonally detransitioning unless you get an orchiectomy or barring some unusual hormone levels already existing for you- you might also find that you’re happy with certain hormone effects and don’t really want them to go away, just like several women I know are quite happy with some things they did while transitioning that they cannot undo. That isn’t to say I think you should take it lightly, but it’s nobody’s call but yours what you do with your own body.

This got long because I wanted to give you a real answer, but thanks for reaching out! I would search online- there have got to be forums specifically for dysphoric men about that experience, and even if they are no longer active they might be a good place to start reading other people’s experiences. If you’re a reidentifying/ed  man and want to reach out to this anon, please go ahead and reply so that the anon can reach out to you!

[transrp]

is it bad that i feel like i'm fake or doing something wrong as a trans-nb rper who only has one nb muse out of like 6 blogs, 2 of which being multi? like i see all these other trans rpers writing trans muses and just sometimes i feel like i should be writing more trans muses and i feel wrong soemtimes because this community is amazing and i stil feel like im invalid or fake or be ashamed to be a part of it because im not yet comfortable with myself. and like... ( continued next ask )

& i do want to write trans muses & be loudly proud like other trans rpers.. but like i just get so anxious for i don’t know the reason..& i feel like im terrible because of it. & then i’ve been writing some of these characters for years now so like development has happened & like just i’m stuck w/ that like ive been writing these characters for years now, 3, i was 16 when i started, very confused about gender&sexuality felt different or outplace cause wasn’t exposed to lgbt community at all/much

You’re not fake and you’re not doing something wrong if you only write on non-binary character or even if you don’t write any at all.

You’re not doing anything wrong. There’s no rules or obligations for how many trans characters you as a trans person write. You’re not obligated to be a spokesperson for the community if you don’t want to be or if you can’t be one currently.

Everyone’s journey is different and goes at different paces. Some people can very quickly reach a point where they’re confident and comfortable putting themselves out there as trans writers creating trans stories or trans characters. Some people take a long time to get to a place where they feel safe and comfortable sharing trans characters or stories with other people. Some people feel more comfortable and more happy writing trans characters than they do writing cis characters. Some people don’t ever reach a point where they feel confident enough to write a lot of trans/nb characters. And some people just plain don’t want to be shoehorned into being a Trans WriterTM.

All of these are valid.

You don’t have to be ashamed. There’s nothing shameful about being at a different place in your life from other people.

And, honestly? Writing a trans or non-binary character can be scary. And that can go beyond the potential for harassment and transphobic comments. For me, though this is different for different people, I put more of myself into my non-binary characters and they become more personal to me. So the fear of rejection is greater than with cis (or even binary trans) characters I write. I still get anxious about some of my portrayals because I think “well, what if people not liking this character means they don’t like me?”.

So my main rp blog here is Hank and, while he wasn’t the first non-binary character I wrote, he was the first canon character I interpreted as non-binary, so I deviated from his canon gender. And when I first posted that headcanon, about three years ago (around the same time I came out as agender), I was shaking. Over time, I’ve gotten less nervous about writing trans characters, but I’ve never completely stopped being nervous. And sometimes, I feel like I’m not “trans enough”, either. Not really for any logical reason, just sometimes my brain’s like “hey buddy if u don’t aggressively remind people every day that your character is trans, then ur doing it wrong”.

Which, y’know, brings me to this big industry secret: A lot of people who are perceived as confident and loudly proud are also still anxious or nervous. Some people fake confidence to help deal with nervousness or low self-esteem. Some people are genuinely confident, but are still human and still get nervous. Some people had to practice confidence for years before they reached that point.

Your feelings are normal and more common than you think. They don’t make you a terrible person or a bad writer or less trans.

If you want to write more trans/nb characters, but don’t feel comfortable doing so in a public setting like tumblr, maybe try testing the waters in a private setting with someone you know won’t judge you? Try out some different character ideas or trans AUs for your characters over skype or discord or PMs with rp partners you trust. That might help you build confidence.

Sorry this got super long, but I hope it was helpful.

And, just to reiterate: You’re not faking anything and your feelings are valid. The number of trans character you write isn’t a measure of how trans you are and not writing more trans characters doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad writer. Everyone goes through different stages of how confident and comfortable with themselves they are. It’s okay not to immediately jump to a point where you’re ready to be loudly proud.

[jewishconvertthings]

I'm disabled, mentally ill, queer, and nonbinary. I've never committed to a religion because I've never found a god I felt could love me. The last time I attended a religious celebration, I was shunned for being 'god's mistake' because I'm disabled. I dunno. I just wonder if god is really as wrathful and judgmental as I've heard, or if they could love me the way I am. Any thoughts?

Hi anon,

I’m neurodivergent, mentally ill, queer, and non-binary! Although I wouldn’t consider myself physically disabled at this point, I did struggle with chronic pain for years not that long ago, so I can definitely empathize.

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had bad experiences with religious communities in the past, but please let me assure you that you are not a mistake and that G-d loves you exactly as you are.

Jews believe that all people are b’tzelem elohim - that is, made in the image of G-d, and within the liberal branches of Judaism, queer and trans people are explicitly welcomed. People with disabilities and mental illness are (or at least are expected to be) treated with respect in all branches of Judaism. Even in the more traditional branches of Judaism, I know that queer and trans people are expected to be treated humanely, even though these identities are typically considered to be against religious law. Here’s a good breakdown by branch: http://www.momentmag.com/ask-rabbis-gender-identity/

It’s also worth noting that many individuals who personally affiliate with the more traditional branches of Judaism have no problem with queer and trans people. I’ve come across plenty of Orthodox Jews here on tumblr who are lovely people and have been nothing but supportive of me as a very openly queer and non-binary person. So while I think it would be difficult to formally convert through one of the more traditional branches, I also want to recognize the diversity of opinions within those branches as well.

Another important thing to know about Judaism is that people’s view of G-d varies dramatically, and there are numerous valid Jewish understandings of G-d. Finding God by Sonsino & Syme is a great book that explains pretty comprehensively and succinctly a number of different ways of viewing G-d. I bring this up because this ask assumes a more traditional understanding of what G-d even is, which many Jews actually differ from. (In fact, there are plenty of religiously involved atheist and agnostic Jews!)

But even for those of us who do take a more traditional view of G-d, viewing G-d a wrathful and judgmental is something I associate a lot more closely with Christians than with Jews. To me, G-d would not make us as we are if we were not intended to be this way - ergo, it does not make any sense to judge us against a standard of perfection, even when discussing actually harmful behavior. Every year during the days and weeks leading up to Yom Kippur, Jews do tshuvah, a process that involves recognizing, regretting, apologizing for, and to the extent possible, correcting personal mistakes. This process inherently assumes that G-d forgives our mistakes and chooses to prioritize mercy over judgment.

When it comes to diversity - look at the world around you. What do you see? Because I see a Creator that made billions upon billions of species, that created a vast universe, and who is personally infinite. Why would such a Creator limit human genders to two? Or proscribe healthy, loving relationships between people of the same or similar genders? Indeed, Jews as a whole do not believe that G-d is male or female - G-d is just G-d. If we are all made in G-d’s image, I think it makes perfect sense that some of us share that particular attribute as well.

Disability and mental illness can be challenging, but can also deepen our understanding of the world and give us a unique perspective. It is my view that, again, a Creator with enough vision to build this massive, vibrant world would of course create people with any number of different ways of understanding and navigating the world.

Again, I’m very sorry you’ve had these hurtful experiences before, but please know that you are loved by G-d exactly as you are. I don’t know if you’re considering conversion to Judaism or what your background is, but if you are considering converting, do know that there is absolutely a place for queer, trans/nb, disabled, and mentally ill folks within Judaism.

I’m happy to discuss this more with you in direct messages or non-anon asks if you’d like.