#{ I feel like I'm driving myself crazy and that it's my own fault. }

[iouinotes]

Heroic Betrayal | Luke Castellan (part 1)

SPOILER FOR THE PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS SERIES AND THE BOOKS

pairing: Luke Castellan x female!reader

show: Percy Jackson and the Olympians

warnings: dark!character, betrayal, implied sexual content, heavy angst, kidnapping

word count: 5,8k

summary: When Luke switches to the dark side, he tries everything possible to win you for him.

a/n: so as the show comes to an end (dont cry dont cry dont cry), I thought I would finally post this :)))

read part 2 here

"I'll find you!" his voice echoes through the forest, my laughter much louder than I intend to. But that´s just how it always goes. It's our own little tradition.

Every year when the camp starts again and we meet after the holidays passed, we play hide and seek in the dangerous forest of the half-blood camp. The creatures usually don't come across our path, in recent years it has rarely happened, that we actually had to defend ourselves against them.

Once it was an angry dryad, who threw branches at me (she had a crush on Luke and wanted revenge, but since I could understand her feelings and felt sad for her, we sorted it out).

Another time we were spotted by some camp members, who made fun of us, but Luke must have said something to them later, because we haven't been bothered by these troublemakers since.

It is always the same pattern, but each time there is still something special about it. We have grown, became more mature (I think), and have more and more experience about the struggles in life.

So being able to just let go for a few moments and being completely alone with him is probably the best thing to keep myself sane (even if he drives me a little bit crazy with the love I hold for him).

But a lot has changed recently.

It all started when rumors spread, that Zeus' lightning bolt had been stolen by Poseidon's son. And then the most supportive, bravest, sassy kid in the world showed up here. Percy Jackson. Ever since I met him, even though it's not his fault, there's been war going on. The gods are angry, the monster attacks became worse and again, rumors about the oldest, most powerful titan Kronos reached the camp.

It scared and frightened many people, including me. That's why we've been training harder and stay awake, even when the stars are shining, so that we can prepare for any catastrophe. To be able to fight.

My mother is the goddess Demeter, my father a simple man. I adore them both, even though my mother isn't one of my closest contacts. But I never really held that against her, because at least she decided to acknowledge me as her daughter. After all, it's a privilege that not everyone gets. My siblings and friends at camp are important to me, but the world is changing and so is everything around it.

The only stability I have left is my boyfriend Luke.

If I had to rely on one person in the whole world (and by that I also mean the underworld), it would be him.

He's been my best friend since I arrived at this camp. We've been together through ups and downs, I know every side of him and he knows everything about me too. Many of the people here are like blank pages to me, but not him. He is like my favorite book, that lays open to me and allows me to read each letter individually. Just as I know every of his dreams, every secret, every truth and every lie. He is my protector, my hero in every dark night and every bright day. Without him, I don't even know who I am. He is a part of me and my heart wouldn't be whole without him.

I watched him grow up. From the small, thin boy whose eyes hid so much pain and sadness to the strong, soulful leader he is today.

His beauty cannot be influenced by anything, he is like my very own sun, without him I could not survive.

I wouldn't want it any other way though.

Now, I'm hiding behind a tree with my back pressed against the bark and I am able to hear the cracking and swinging of the branches.

I smile so wide, that my cheeks start to hurt, when I hear his voice calling. My heart is beating in my throat, but it's not just the adrenaline of not getting caught. It's because of my love for him, which is so strong that sometimes I'm afraid of it. But only in the moments when I realize that nothing, but him is my biggest flaw. I think I would do anything for him.

Then I concentrate again and listen to the sounds around me. But his voice has fallen silent and I don't hear his footsteps anymore.

My eyebrows furrow, confused I try to look around the tree and search for an orange t-shirt. Likely together with his slim body, biceps, beautiful face and wonderful personality.

But when I want to withdraw again, it's already too late. A branch breaks behind me and before I can move I'm pushed against the tree from behind.

I immediately feel his body against mine, hear the laughter in his voice and listen to his strained breathing. His hands wrap around my body and turn me towards him, so that we are now face to face.

He's taller than me and as I look up, I feel the familiar fluttering feeling in my chest. I am so in love with him.

He grins triumphantly at me and I lean against the tree, smiling kindly.

"Found you, princess." The light reflects in his brown eyes and some of his curls are laying wildly on his head. He looks like an angel.

"I made it easy for you." My voice teases him and when he leans in so close to me, that our lips almost touch, I forget how to think properly. A habit I can't change. He's just so captivating.

"Yeah? You think I wouldn't have found you otherwise? Funny. I remember that in the last few years, I always was the winner of our little game." His lips brush mine, I want nothing more than to kiss him. But he knows that, which is why he slowly pulls back, when I start to lean forward.

When I want to complain, he puts his hand around my waist and pulls me into his chest. My knees almost give out, I feel so intoxicated by his presence.

"I-I wanted you to find me." My voice whispers quietly.

His eyebrows rise in mock surprise.

"Then I guess, I can claim my prize without feeling bad." In the next second, his lips are on mine and I'm unable to do anything, other than kissing him back. I wrap my arms around his neck and enjoy the warmth that radiates from him. He sets my heart on fire.

While pushing me against the tree, I've completely forgotten about, he lets his hands wrap possessively around my waist. Digging his nails into my hips, to keep me grounded. Otherwise, I would probably get lost in those sensations.

Luke kisses in a way, like it's the last time he'll have the chance. (As if I would ever want to keep him from doing that).

He's passionate, my body feels like it's on fire and the heat inside me feels so good, that I want more. I can never get enough of him and he knows it. He grins against my lips, but he doesn't break the kiss. I think he secretely loves knowing how much he can mess with me, with just a few kisses.

My hands find his hair and pull him closer to me, our chests touch and his breathing mingles with mine.

It is wonderful and so precious, I would refuse any gift from the gods just to be close to him.

When he pulls away from me, our bodies are still close. My eyes open and look dreamily into his, our gazes reflect a familiarity and love that is like nothing I have ever experienced.

He smiles at me, pushes a stray strand of hair behind my ear and leans himself against me. His fingers stroke the exposed skin of my pulled-up shirt.

"I've missed you." If my heart hasn't melted before, it has now. I give him a kiss on the cheek and hug him, we stand in our embrace for a moment. Enjoying each other's closeness, the calm feeling until the next chaotic situation happens.

"Now we are together again. Only that matters." It's quiet around us and when I close my eyes for the second time, I hear his fast heartbeat. I have to supress a smile.

The wind is the only thing I hear until his voice breaks the silence.

"Something will happen soon. Something big." The peaceful atmosphere is threatened by his words and when I look at his face again, I see his worried eyes.

I sigh, but then nod to agree with him. "I thought about that too, it feels different. Like something is coming our way, that we can't control."

His fingers stroke my cheek and for a moment, his face holds an expression, that I can't understand. It resembles regret.

But before I can ask him about it, he smiles tenderly at me again.

"Nothing will separate us. The world is just a game. It's a matter of time and making the right moves." That is his motto. But I'm not always convinced of this. Even though I trust him to do the right thing.

"I'm just worried we'll get seperated, you know? Evil can be sneaky and traitors always exist. You never know who you can trust." Something I said must have really bothered him, because he looks like I just stabbed him.

This time I ask him about it.

"What's on your mind? You can tell me. Two people who worry about something are better, than one who is alone with it." I take his hand and stroke his skin, it feels cold even though we have summer.

"Nothing, just- I don't want to lose you. I couldn't be here without you. I need you. I mean...I-I love you. You know that I would do anything to keep us together, right?"

His words surprise me. I know he loves me. I can sense that, everyone probably does. But he has never worn his heart on his sleeve and the three magical words only come out of his mouth on special occasions. The fact that he's telling me now surprises me.

"Of course. I trust you. We will survive together, I know that. Are you worried because of the rumors about the Titan King?" This topic is always very critical and he usually doesn't like to talk about it, but this time I decide to address it directly.

"He will come. I just want you to be safe, when it happens." He sounds so confident it gives me goosebumps.

"Perhaps. His followers will definitely try. But love is stronger than anything else. Especially our love. We will get through it." He doesn't look convinced, so I turn his face towards mine and kiss him.

My voice sounds soft, when I speak again.

"Luke, I love you. I could never leave you. Not even the King of the Underworld will be able to keep us apart. I promised to be by your side in every moment of our lives. You are my soul and without it I am damned."

This seems to reassure him, but I feel like he's not telling me something of great importance. But I don't want to push him, I know he will tell me when the time comes.

He always does.

⚔️⚔️⚔️⚔️

As the day comes to an end, I say goodnight to my siblings and report for my night watch duty. The situation has been a lot more worse the recent weeks. Kronos exists, my worst fear was confirmed. And he is building an army, that is so strong that it will be difficult to fight against it. But what I'm really worried about are the rumors about our people, who have also joined his cause.

Nobody knows who, the spies have been hiding ever since. I've never felt like I was paying more attention to my words than I am now. The only person I don't have to hold back to is Luke.

But even with him I notice the effects of the bad news. The circles under his eyes are darker than ever and his nerves are so frayed, that every little thing makes him want to explode. His temper is hanging by a thread, that is increasingly threatening to break. And I'm trying everything to prevent this.

No matter if I try it by making him laugh (which has become difficult), massaging his tense shoulders, trying to kiss him to the point of forgetfulness (usually it's the other way around) or when he takes out his frustration by burying himself deep inside me. With every thrust of his hips, I feel him relax, his hand so tight around my body as if I would run away, if he didn't hold me close enough.

He's changing and I'm trying my best to maintain his good sides. That he doesn't completely lose himself in his responsibilities and the pressure, that he has, because he is a member of the camp council.

Besides, I can't complain, when he fucks me until I can't breathe aynmore and I block out everything around me. When he comes, he whispers the sweetest things in my ear. Even if sometimes they sound so protective, that I could almost come from his voice alone.

When he whispers to me how good I am for him or how much he loves being able to have such a power over me like that - maybe it should scare me, but I trust him like no one else.

My mind concentrated his best for my shift, but when I finally go to bed after quiet some time, my eyes quickly close.

Looking back, I wish I had never let myself sleep that night.

Because, when I close my eyes I see waves. Hear the seagulls screaming in the sky, the fish swimming in the water and the distant cries of strangers.

It's all unusual and the bright light would blind me, if I didn't avert my gaze. And as soon as I do it, I see a ship. It's huge, rust shimmers in the sunrays, the anchor shows that it's been in the same place for a while now.

I feel something pulling me towards it, pushing and burning in my chest, leaving me with a tremor that I can feel, even in my deep sleep.

As I flit through the window like a ghost, I feel paralyzed. My blood freezes, I want to disappear immediately and in my mind I scream at myself to wake up.

But it's no use, whatever is here, someone decided that I have to see it. Only then, my wish will be fulfilled and I can wake up. So, I hide in a corner, there are scratched picture frames above me and broken glass is scattered on the floor. The monsters that loudly crush the glass ahead of me seem unstoppable.

I tremble as I look at at least seven dracaenae, several shaggy hellhounds and set my eyes on gigantes, that take up almost the entire room.

But that is nothing compared to the terror, that grips me when I see my classmates. My friends. People I trusted, who I fought alongside, for who I cared about. People I would have sacrificed myself for. They all betrayed me. And I feel close to tears. When I want to turn away, I hear a voice that almost brings me to my knees.

It's Luke.

My faithful and caring protector, my heroic love. Someone, to which I had dedicated everything. He was my life, with every single breath I took. The motivation behind my every action. The reason I wanted to survive in this cruel world. He was everything I had and everything I will ever have and in that moment it was abruptly taken from me.

I didn't have the strength to concentrate, it was as if every fiber of my body was on fire, triggered by the torment of my suffering heart. Seeing him like that, in black armor, Kronos' silver mark glittering around his neck, instead of his colorful necklace. A stoic, hostile expression on his face, his hands gripping his sword, it all hurt too much to watch.

And as I sank to the floor and covered my eyes with my hands, I was still forced to listen. I couldn't understand why he was saying such things.

"With every day he becomes stronger, with every participation in our army, we become stronger. Everything is planned, the camp is weak. Just like all of its residents. The surprise is on our side, because we will show no mercy. We will kill anyone, who does not confess to us. Do you hear me? No hostages will be taken. Only Hades population will be expanded."

The screams around me are so loud, so angry and horrific that I feel tears running down my cheeks.

I don't want to see any of that. The person infront of me is not my Luke.

A kind of fog creeps around me and I feel cold, it seems too late to forget it now. When I notice the golden coffin and Lukes hunched posture, the scar on the side of his face, I realize he is praying to him.

To the fall of Olympus. Kronos.

I want to cry, to scream, to be angry - but I just feel like every part of my heart is breaking and will never be whole again. Luke will never again be the one to heal it.

My consciousness leaves the ship until I finally wake up, but I can't move at first. I feel lost, my muscles are stiff and after a few seconds I notice that I'm shaking. But it's not because I'm cold, the summer air is wafting in the air.

Such dreams are rare, but are like the own scary predictions of the future.

And then it comes all back so me, the memories, that have just turned my whole life upside down. Traitor. The word appears in my mind, I feel like I almost can't breathe. And then there is a finger on my cheek, gently stroking the skin and my chest immediately becomes warm.

I know this gesture.

When I open my eyes, I see his loving eyes and the smile that covers his mouth makes my heart clench in sorrow.

It was just a nightmare. Luke would never betray me.

But the whispers in my head say otherwise.

As we continue to look at each other in silent, I notice his furrowed eyebrows.

"What's wrong, my love? Did you have a nightmare? You look scared. Don't be afraid, I'm here. I will always protect you." His voice is so calm, so usual loving and it makes the butterflies in my stomach fly around like crazy.

He is so beautiful.

As he briefly turns his head to tighten the blanket around me, I see his side profile and the scar. Reminders of my dream crash onto me like a lightning strike from Zeus himself.

I sat up abruptly. Luke is a servant of our enemy. How could I ignore that? I feel like I'm almost starting to hyperventilate. The thought, this nightmare, Luke's appearance, this evil feeling - it makes me sick. And I'm suddenly so afraid, more than I have ever been in my life. But I can't tell if it's the fact that I just found out he joined Cronos' army or that he broke my heart doing so.

I see him tense, my panic seems to be affecting him too.

My thoughts are so confusing, I don't know what to do, I have to tell someone. I have to-

His hands find their way to my cheeks, cupping them gently to direct his gaze towards himself. I would have preferred not to look at him, but I have no choice. His eyes search mine.

Then, as if the weight of Atlas punishment was put on his shoulders, he lowers them. His lips tremble slightly and his eyes look at me, as if I am the most valuable thing in the world and he is about to lose it.

"You know it." He doesn't have to say what he means by that. We both know.

I want to break away from him, but he won't let me. He's always been much stronger.

But everything still feels so different, light surrounds us and I can't really feel my body.

"Listen to me, please. I can explain it. Please-" The world goes silent, before he can finish his sentence.

It is too much.

I stifle a scream. I want to jump out of bed, but his hands hold me close. I only manage to fall to the ground, breathing heavily, but his arms are much stronger and I'm still weakened by my dream. He trys to hold me in a position, so that his back hugs me. His hands grab mine and one of them covers my mouth to silence me, when I want to scream for help.

With any other person, I would have known what to do. With anyone but him, I could have defended myself without any problems. But it wasn't just anyone and what he had done to me, the betrayal he had committed, was nothing I could handle.

I tried to wriggle out of his grip, to kick him, but the more I cried and the more hysterical I became, the easier it was for him to have control over me.

And for the first time, it scared me.

"Please calm down, I have to explain it to you- you have to know, that I never wanted to deceive you, please-" I notice how his voice is failing and he has to pull himself together, to not to lose his composure.

When I shake his hand away and want to yell again, he grabs my neck with such a warning force, that no sound escapes me.

I tremble in his hold. Tears stream down my cheeks and I literally feel my heart breaking.

Then he starts whispering in my ear and his grip feels like a tragic prison.

"Nobody can know. I never wanted you to find out. Not until I convinced you, that it is the right thing to join him. Because he will win, sweetheart. I want us to win by his side." His voice sounds so confident and at the same time, as if he was a completely different person.

Tears continue running down my face and he slightly let's go of me, so he can comfort me.

"If you would just listen to me, you will understand my actions. Please, just listen to me-" but the world blurs infront of my eyes and I am only able to whisper three words, before darkness surrounds me.

"You betrayed me."

⚔️⚔️⚔️⚔️

When I wake up, my head hurts so much, that it takes me several minutes to open my eyes. When I finally do it, I almost have a heart attack.

I recognize the similarity of this room from my dream. When I stand up, I run to the round window and look out, being only able to see the blue sea. Feeling empty and alone.

When I want to step out the door, I expect it to be locked. But instead the handle turns and I step out of the room. I'm so surprised about that, that I'm acting without thinking twice.

As I walk around the next corner, the deck creaks and I see an ugly creature in front of me, that makes every instinct to escape kick in.

I run in the other direction, but every turn makes me more desperate and, without any consideration, I run into the hall, I was so afraid of.

It is filled with all kinds of ciders, and I also see the figures of my classmates, wounded and unhappy.

It's all so overwhelming, that I dont even see him standing on the podium, in the first place.

But as the monsters try to grab me, his voice echoes through the room with an affable authority.

"Nobody touches her. You hear me? Nobody. She is under my protection." I almost freeze into a stature, as he comes towards me and I have no way of avoiding him. No weapon is within my reach, his eyes notice my growing panic.

"Everyone leaves the room. Now." Nobody discusses it, even if some roll their eyes or quietly protest. His authority is unquestioned, it sends a cold shiver down my spine.

When the last doors slam shut, we stand a few meters opposite each other.

"The doors are guarded." It's the first thing he says.

When he tries to approach me, I lose my nerves and run to the corner with the broken glass, that I saw in my dream. I take them in my hands.

I see his eyes widen and he stops in his tracks.

"You- you want to fight me?" He actually sounds surprised and sad. Like I was the one who betrayed him and not the other way around.

"Don't come any closer. I may not have been able to do anything last time, but if you take one step closer then-" I don't know what to say. In no scenario did I ever think, I would have to threaten him.

But despite my warning, he comes towards me with his hands raised, the panic within me so palpable, that I can feel every muscle in my body.

I dodge, when he is only a few meters in front of me. Right into the next corner. As far away from him as possible.

"Princess, you can't keep me away forever. I've always loved that about you. You need me as much as you need to breathe."

It's supposed to sound sweet, but his words make me feel sick

"I'd rather suffocate." He didn't expect that. My words hit him so unexpectedly that he is almost speechless. Almost.

"I won't hurt you. You just have to let me get to you and I'll show you everything. You will understand, believe me." He really thinks, I'll just stay by his side and let him explain.

"Are you crazy? You're a traitor, Luke. You- you betrayed everyone. You betrayed me. How could you do this?" I suppress my tears, because that's exactly what he's waiting for. That my defense becomes weaker. I can't allow this.

"You dont understand. I always told you I would protect you. And I can only do that, if I'm on the winning side. And I am now. We are." His eyes flash with a craziness that makes me tremble. I don't recognize him.

"Why are you acting this way? You are doing the wrong thing - you give up everything. You're giving up on us." Tears leave my eyes and I see him take a few steps in my direction.

"I'm doing the right thing for us. You'll see. You just have to trust me, please. You know I always win. With the power he gives me, I will be invincible. You don't have to worry about one of us dying in this war anymore." I can't move, even if I wanted to, I wouldn't have a way out now. He's too close.

"You are wrong. I would rather die in this war than join this monster and his deceitful army." The shards in my hand hurt, but I don't let them go. They're the only thing I can use to defend myself.

"You would leave me?" His eyes are staring into my soul.

"Would you fight me?" Every word is more intimidating.

"Would you stop loving me?" His words are like his own shards, leaving deep wounds in my heart.

He's standing right in front of me now, looking at me like I'm fragile.

Then he whispers "Would you kill me?"

In the next second, he suddenly has my hands in his, making me drop the glass. Be is only a few centimeters away from me now, his eyes are looking into my own.

"Would you, princess? Then show me." Suddenly he does something, I would have never expected. He takes out his sword and puts it in my hands.

His own hands go behind his back, his eyes tempting me. I feel all the blood in my body drain.

"Do it. I can't live in a world, where you don't love me anymore. In which you are no longer by my side. I am yours. That will never change, just like my love for you."

I can barely hold the sword, it's so wobbly in my hands. He stands in front of me and gives me every chance to defeat him. But I can't move.

It's quiet for a moment, then I see new hope in his eyes and when he speaks again, the tone of his voice melts my heart.

"What did you say a few months ago, you would always let me win? Let's win together this time. Please, just listen to me." His hand strokes my cheek. Wipes away the tears.

Then he drops his hand and grasps his sword, letting it fall to the ground.

He takes my hand instead.

"Follow me." He pulls me behind him, closer and closer to the golden coffin, it's like I'm in a trance, but when I finally feel the cold aura of something cruel, I'm able to think clearly again.

"No-" I don't want to be one step closer to this thing.

He turns around so quickly, that I can only slap his cheek, before he grabs me again.

"That was for kidnapping me. Let me go now!" I want to avoid his grasp. But again he does something I don't expect.

He holds me still, catches my gaze and then, kisses me so gently that the feeling alone makes me almost completely defenseless. His hands cup my cheeks, grip my hair, hold my body.

This is probably his worst trick. I've never been able to resist one of his kisses. And he knows that. He uses it against me.

Then he murmurs words against my lips, that barely reach my ears.

My heart is pounding in my throat.

"You feel this? We belong together. It is not written anywhere on which side we need to be. As long as we are together." His fingers stroke my lower lip, his figure towers over me and for a moment my surroundings fade. It's almost like always.

But he's not wearing his orange t-shirt, his expression isn't relaxed, and I don't hear any insults from the camp members in the distance.

"You're manipulating me." I am powerless against him. I thought we were on the same team, that no one had more power over the other one. But I was so wrong.

His eyebrows furrow again, and when his hands try to pull me against him, I hit his chest, without thinking, with the only piece of glass I hid in my pocket. But unlike I expected, nothing happens. The shard bounces off his skin and falls loudly to the ground. I can only stare at him in disbelief.

"How-" He just looks at me worried, no anger is visible in his eyes.

"You can't hurt me. I have the curse of Achilles upon me." I suddenly become aware of the effect the lake Styx in the underworld hast and I almost fall to the ground at the realization, my knees weaken.

"That was a test earlier. You wanted to see if I would kill you-" my voice fails.

He just looks at me sadly and smiles in regret. My heart becomes heavy.

"And I knew you wouldn't hurt me on purpose. You would never hurt someone you love. Not if you'd kill me in the process." What can I do? He knows me better than anyone, he can see right through my every thought.

"I can't do this, Luke. I-I can't be together with you, if you are like this." I'm serious, but he doesn't believe me.

"That's what you think, but it's a lie. The sooner you admit it to yourself, the more pain you avoid. Our souls are linked together, without me you are not able to live. I know, that you will continue to love me, no matter what I decide to do. That's how much you love me. You would rather die than not loving me."

I can't listen to him. I can't.

But his eyes are like all the promises in the world. He is my world. How could I ever forget that?

"Please come back with me, Luke. I-I won't tell anyone, but please. Let's go, let's forget everything, please-" I cant deal with this anymore. It's like he's draining all the energy out of me. More with every word, that leaves his lips.

"I can not do that. It will stay the way it is now. Don't fight against me, fight with me. You are so smart and loyal, you will be convinced. He will show you." His eyes now flash with something that frightens me. I see his hunger for power, something that has always been dormant within him.

"Luke, the only thing I ever really wanted was you. No power, no war, no prosperity. Only you. But I'm about to lose you. Don´t do this to me, I beg you." My hands find his face, stroke the skin and I look into his eyes. But they are no longer the same ones I fell in love with.

I never thought he would love having power more than he loves me. It breaks my heart.

"I have decided. Nothing will change about that. Not even your pleadings. I'm sorry." His eyes reflect my desperation.

"What's holding you back? All you need is me." He says it so confident, that I almost wonder, why I don´t agree with him.

But my conscience has always been my greatest strength.

"I won't betray them. I couldn't live with myself, if I did." He takes a step back.

"But you could live without me? You would rather be by Jackson's side than mine?" His words hurt me. But he speaks the truth.

"I love you Luke, more than I ever thought was possible. But just as you put power before me, I put loyalty first. And I'm not sorry about that."

Frustration finally seeps through his perfect facade. I wonder how long he's been playing with me. The thought of it makes everything inside me tighten.

"I am not letting you go. Our fate is set. You will recognize it too and when that happens, you will be on my side."

His conviction frightens me, but this time it doesn't freeze me into a statue. Now, I'm running away.

And luckely, he didn't expect that.

For a few minutes now I've noticed one of the windows, that doesn't look very stable. I just have to jump against it to open it.

"NO!" Luke's voice echoes across the room, loud and warning, but it doesn't stop me. Before he can catch up with me, I jump towards the window, my shoulder hurts, but I was right, it breaks.

But I didn't think about the height difference and I realize it might be too late to do something about it now.

As I try to hold on to the wall outside, two thoughts repeat in my mind.

Either I die or I'm trapped.

Then I hear Luke's voice. He sounds desperate and at the same time angry, like I have never heard him before.

The wall is slippery and it takes every bit of strength in me not to fall, I know it would be my death. I hold on to the broken wall.

"She is outside. Get her back, NOW!" My muscles hurt and I don't know what to do. Then I hear the loud beating of wings. Before I can see who it is, I hear Percy's quiet voice. I feel like crying.

"Drop down, I've got you." I have to trust him. So, I let myself fall without thinking.

Then I feel myself landing on something soft, I hold on to it and my knuckles turn white.

The screams and shouts of the monsters make me tremble, I just want to get out of here. Even if it means, that I perhaps will never see Luke again.

"Come on, now. They'll be here soon." As the wings of the Pegasus move towards the sky, towards freedom, I let the tears fall. The wind is beating around my ears and I can only see in the corner of my eyes that we are getting closer to the clouds.

"I'll find you!"

Luke's threatening voice is the last thing I remember as I close my eyes from the grief of leaving him.

[dreamysturniolo57]

Night Driving - Matt Sturniolo

Pairing: Matt Sturniolo x reader

Summary: You got drunk on a party so Matt drives you home. He pulls over because you are arguing, and then it takes a completely different direction.

Warnings: swearing / p in v

Blue text: Matt

Red text: reader

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

I'm not going anywhere. -I said and stopped.

We are going home, right now. You are drunk Y/N! -he said and held my wrist.

No! -I objected, but he suddenly bent down and grabbed me and put me on his shoulder like a bag.

Put me down!! -i shouted. He walked out to his car and put me in it. I got really mad at him. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and I was waiting for him to get in the car.

I'm gonna take you home, okay? -he said and started the car.

I really hate you. -I said and looked out of the window.

He is the only reason I got drunk tonight. I couldn't take it anymore. He can't see my feelings and it's driving me crazy. Ever since we met I saw him in a different way. Nick and Chris they are like my brothers and best friends. But Matt... Matthew Sturniolo was the only one and the boy who owned my heart.

No you don't. You are just drunk. You should be glad that I came for you. -he muttered. I rolled my eyes and looked at him.

No one asked you to! You are not my father to scold me! -I said and laid back on the seat and crossed my arms again. -I wish I never met you. -i whispered but he heard it well enough. Suddenly he pulled over and stopped the car.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Huh? You got drunk even though you are eighteen years old. You behaved irresponsibly and for god's sake what the hell are you wearing? Almost your panties are showing! -he completely freaked out. I was burning inside how hot he looked. I had to press my legs.

Why do you care what i'm wearing? It's none of your business and I do what I want to! -I said looking in his eyes.

Sure, but not when you're sitting naked in my car. -he mumbled then turned his head for a moment and took a deep breath.

I'm not naked! What would you do if i were? -I asked angrily.

Okay. This leads nowhere. -he sighed and ran through his hair with his fingers. -Put this on. -he said and pulled his jumper over his head.

I'm good thanks. -i smiled mockingly and he sighed again and threw it on the backseat.

Why didn't Chris come for me...-I muttered this time.

Because i'm the only one who can drive. Sorry for being worried about you and not your love. -when he said that i realized maybe i went too far this time.

He's not my love you idiot. Why can't you see...-I groaned and buried my face in my hands.

See what? -he asked. -Did anyone get you upset at that party? -he asked and looked at me.

No Matthew. -I said almost shouting.

Then tell me. What's wrong? -his voice softened and he faced me.

You really want to know? -I asked him. My heart was racing. He nodded and i thought now or never. I kicked my shoes and carefully climbed over to him and sat on his lap.

What are you doing? -he asked and his eyes widened. I grabbed on his hand and put it on my chest right where my heart was.

Can you feel it? -I asked and looked in his beautiful blue eyes.

Yes. -he answered.

It beats just for you. -I said. He closed his eyes and sighed.

Come on Y/N. Don't play. -he said and took his hand.

Okay. You don't believe me? Then...-I started and grabbed his hand again and I led it down to my panties. It was no longer dry. A shaky sigh left his mouth.

Why are you doing this to me? -he asked and he groaned.

That's not my fault. You have to choose. Either you fuck me or I have to touch myself. -i said leaning closely to his ear. He grabbed my waist and pressed his hands on it. I shrugged, then licked my fingers and led them down to my panties.

Stop it! -he grumbled. Suddenly he grabbed my hair and kissed me. I couldn't believe it. I moaned in his mouth and put my hands around his neck. He moved the seat back to give me more space then he wrinkled my dress and put his palms on my butt and grabbed it.

Fuck it I can't resist you. -he whispered on my lips between two kisses. I started moving my hips and i could feel it he was already hard.

Good. That was my goal. -i said and pulled his hair. He smoothed my back up and down and then gently pushed the thin straps off my shoulders. I smiled and he immidiately kissed my shoulder up to my collarbone. Then he attacked my neck and sucked it. I couldn't stop sighing. Suddenly i felt his fingers smoothed my center.

Matt...-I started.

Yeah? -he asked not breaking the contact with my neck.

Don't tease me. Please. -i asked. I was out of my mind. Totally.

As you wish sweetheart. -He said. I unbuttoned his pants and I pulled down his underpants as much as I could. Finally his cock showed and he was so hard. He pushed my panties aside and helped me to sit on him. We both moaned loudly and i pressed my lips because i had to take his lenght. I wasn't a virgin but i only did it once.

You are so tight oh my...-he said and he pressed his head against the backrest.

I can barely take you. -i said and smirked. I started moving and he held my waist. My body was burning and shaking. This was all I ever wanted. Him.

You're doing so good. -he groaned and kissed me. I happily accepted his lips and caressed his neck.

M-matt...-I leaned back and i could barely held my moans back. -It was never Chris. You were always the one and you always will be. I wanna be yours. -I said while my forhead was against his.

You serious?. -he asked. I just nodded and bit my lip putting my hands on his shoulders. -I'm sorry for everything. It drove me crazy seeing how you and Chris get along so well and I just... -he couldn't finish it because i cut him off.

Matt I forgive you but now please shut up! -I said and burried my face in his neck. I could feel he was smiling. Then he groaned and hissed when I moved faster.

I'm close. -i moaned my face still burried in his neck.

Let it go baby. -he said. He thursted deeper and deeper and I wasn't slowing down. My stomach waved and the knot became tighter. He groaned when I started squeezing around him. I couldn't hold back anymore. I let out a big moan and my body was shaking. I felt when he filled me up with his seeds. I tried to normalize my breathing and looked at him.

You were amazing. I...-he sighed.

I tried my best. -I said and smiled at him.

I love you. -he told me while he looked in my eyes deeply. My heart skipped a beat and I think I was in another universe.

I love you too Matthew Sturniolo.

[ae-azile]

Emergence: Chapter 9 Preview

TW: Talk of suicidal ideation

At first, they plan on sending Chet. It makes the most sense. Fadel and Bison are keeping low profiles for a reason. Kant is still weird about the water. Style is currently scoffing at the idea of waiting at least a week before considering suicide. Chet makes the most sense.

“I want to go,” Style says, fully dressed and ready despite falling back into bed, “If you're forcing me to stay alive and I am staying out here with you, then I want more clothes. There’s a mall near the shore. I’ll go there.”

Style had just been telling them they suck for locking up the knives two hours ago. Fadel really doesn't want to take him on a boat he can jump off of, or to an area where he can walk into traffic. But at the same time, him getting out of the house may help. Even as he makes threats or tells them to fuck off, he wouldn’t get out of bed.

Even as he claims he wants to go shopping, he won't get out of bed. Apparently some part of him does want to go. But why is he back in bed if that's the case?

“You expect to go out in an environment I can't fully manage when you are saying you want to kill yourself?” Fadel asks, “No.”

Style groans and sits up, “I'm fine. I'm not going to traumatize people when I kill myself. Not my idea of a good time. A public suicide won't happen.”

Fadel squats down so his face is centimeters away from Style’s, “You literally got mad we locked up the knives.”

“Because it showed you look at me as if I am a child!”

“No,” Fadel counters, “You're someone who is currently sick and not thinking rationally. And that's my fault. Okay? I didn't know about the meds, but it isn't like I would have let you pick them up before I abducted you. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I love you so much and I'm the one who made you feel like this-”

“Quit angsting,” Style says with a snort, then throws the blankets off of him, “You're acting like I couldn't get away from your grumpy ass. I was literally driving the car.”

“I had a gun to your head-”

“Like you would have pulled the trigger,” Style cuts in, then points at him, “You should have. Don't get me wrong. You should have-”

“Stop it, Style!” Fadel says, standing up at full height again.

“But I knew,” Style continues, standing up too, “You weren't going to kill me. I knew as soon as the chloroform wore off and you were saying you were keeping me alive to find your brother. Bullshit. You knew I wasn't going to be able to do shit to find him and Kant. You could have killed me at the edge of that pool and went off on your own and you didn't. You can use the excuse that your arm hurt or that you wanted to bury me and Kant together, but that isn't true, is it? You were never a risk to me. I could have picked up my fucking meds. I just didn't think about it. I was too worried about my friend because your brother is as crazy as I am but in a very different way, but more than that? I was excited for our road trip. I never went on a trip with someone I was into before. Even with the chloroforming, you are still by far the nicest person I have ever dated.”

Fadel stares at him in disbelief, “Who the fuck else have you dated?”

Style shakes his head and puts his hand on Fadel’s shoulder.

“Let’s go pick up my pa and Babe.”

“...No,” Fadel says, shaking his head, “You're tricking me. You're going to try and do something as soon as we head out.”

Style rolls his eyes and walks towards the door, “I'm not. I have more people than ever who are preventing me from doing what I want. I might as well get the fucking meds, get them back in my system, and feel like my mind is a failure, all while feeling better. I logically know why I am like this right now. I'm not stupid.”

“Huh?” Fadel says, then starts sputtering, “You…You told me…Why did you act like I deserved better than you and demanded I let you go, only to ignore me when I pointed out the lack of meds were making you think that way?!”

“Because it's true!” Style says, “You deserve better, Fadel! Truly! I am disgusting! I also verbally abused you multiple times in the last couple of days. You need to find someone on your level. Someone rich and successful-”’

“What are you TALKING about?” Fadel says, turning him back around, “You make decent money! Why do you keep acting like I should date some asshole with a bunch of money? That's the part I get the least about all of this!”

Fadel can only watch and feel dumbfounded as Style sighs and crosses his arms, “I have plenty of reasons to feel that way.”

“Name five.”

“I’ll give you one,” Style says, barely compromising, “If you are going to be treated badly, it should be by someone who can send you on a luxurious international vacation as an apology. I can't do that-”

“I don't NEED that,” Fadel cuts in, “I need you. I need you medicated and feeling like yourself, but I would take you like this over anyone else.”

Style tsks at that, “Fadel, that's just sad. You should love yourself more.”

Fadel can't help but gape at him, “I should love myself more? Have you heard yourself the last few days?”

“But I have reason to feel that way!”

“What reason?!”

Before Fadel can get some ridiculous and heartbreaking answer on that, there is a knock on the door, only for Kant to peek his head in shortly after.

“What's the plan?” Kant says, “Bison and I keep going over pros and cons over who is going. We could send Chet and just give him Jay’s and Babe’s numbers, but Bison is worried because he's never met them before. He has looked all over the news to see if the police or interpol have released anything about you two being wanted. Nothing. It's strange. We might just go and get them ourselves.”

Style nods, “I'm going too. I want more clothes. There is a mall near where the parking lot is. We should go shopping. We’ll find a weighted blanket for Bison too. I think he would like one of those-”

“Is this normal?” Fadel asks, gesturing at Style, “He wants to go, but he also just talked about killing himself yesterday. Now, he's saying if we won't let him kill himself, he might as well take the meds and get out of the house for a shopping trip.”

Kant studies Style for a moment, only to look back at Fadel, “He's been known for moments of rationality while he is like this. It's usually when he knows he won't get away with anything.”

“And I am NOT the type to kill myself in public,” Style says, almost sounding triumphant on such a take, “Or in front of anyone. It seems like it should be something done in private. None of you are leaving me alone enough to gather the courage to do it. You all suck.”

Style pushes past Kant and pauses in the doorway, “But I realize when I am outnumbered. I think you should all just move on, but if you won't, then I might as well start feeling better.”

With that, Style goes downstairs.

“I don't know if I like this,” Fadel mutters, running a hand over his face.

Kant sighs and looks at the doorway, “If it makes you feel better, this isn't his worst incident. There was one time that he was about the same as he is now and he got deterred from his suicidal thoughts by go-karting. He didn't crash once, purposely or accidentally. His competitive streak kicked in and it gave him some dopamine until his meds kicked back in. This…I know it's going to make us nervous, but he hasn't actually tried anything. He just looked at the knife drawer. He hasn’t even tried to get into it. If you and Bison aren't going to be arrested, then maybe we should just…go get them so he can get a dose into his system a little sooner, and then let him enjoy himself as much as he can in the situation he is in.”

Fadel lets the advice sink in before he closes his eyes, “You aren't worried?”

“Of course I am worried,” Kant says with a shrug, “But I think Style knows there is a light at the end of the tunnel now. He may have complex feelings about the the source of the light, but he knows it's attainable. If anything, I am more worried about you and Bison. Considering Captain Christ said he was going to arrest you, there should be a warrant. But Bison used the computer to look into the internal database. I still don't know how you guys do that.”

“Compromised logins, people on the inside, and we were trained to hack into relevant systems,” Fadel tells him, then lets out a breath, “Still nothing?”

“Nothing,” Kant confirms, “Considering who it is, I suspect that he wants the arrest for himself. Or he wants to use you guys as informants and hold a potential arrest over your head.”

“Like he did to you?” Fadel asks, raising his eyebrows.

Kant nods and looks away, “I did it for my brother.”

Fadel knows that. He would go as far as to say he empathizes with it at this point. But he doesn't think it's the most important conversation to have right now.

“If Style even tries to jump off the boat, let Bison and I handle it,” Fadel says, “Stay near the center. Only intervene if we have trouble holding him down.”

“Uh…” Kant starts, “Hopefully it doesn't come down to that.”

Fadel hopes so too. He hopes this trip is as non-eventful as possible with no suicide attempts or arrests in sight.

[scuderia-hamilton]

hi friend. i don’t really post anti content on my account because i don’t have the energy to be a full-time hater, but i’ve got a little rant about lando norris that i’m gonna dump in your inbox because you’re one of my favorite haters

the thing that drives me crazy about lando is the fact that he acts so disempowered whenever he has a bad weekend. i don’t think there’s anything wrong with being open and showing your disappointment, but he just absolutely lets it overwhelm him instead of turning it into something he can use. it’s one thing to say “yeah i’m disappointed but i’m also determined and i am going to use this failure and learn from it and put in the work to improve myself.” but instead he wallows in the failure and acts like he doesn’t know what went wrong and he’s like “yeah i guess i’ll look into it and try to figure it out” but it’s so clear that he’s so much more focused on beating himself up rather than trying to get better for next time. i know he’s been waiting for a good car for a long time and i’m sure he’s improved a lot since he started in f1 (i certainly haven’t been around to see his whole career), but in the part of his f1 career that i’ve seen, he hasn’t really made many improvements to his driving (i guess he’s gotten better at his starts but that’s it). he’ll revel in the highs and wallow in the lows, but it’s like he doesn’t learn anything in either case. if you’re not moving forward then you’re falling behind, and i think he’s now coming face to face with the fact that oscar has made insane improvements over the last two years while his own improvements have been marginal

i am also a very emotional person, but i find it so hard to empathize with him because he doesn’t ever take action to improve himself or his position. like you HAVE to learn to grow a spine when you’re in a sport as competitive as f1. things aren’t going to suddenly start going right for you just because you get sad if they don’t. his self-pity (and his self-praise when he has a good weekend) gets in the way of his ability to focus and actually work on himself. and it’s just so hard for me to root for him in any way when i see him next to oscar who HAS been putting in the work, who has made tangible improvements race after race. lando puts all the blame on himself but he never really takes responsibility for his performance. he just goes “it’s all my fault i’m not good enough :(“ but then never does anything to make himself better?? like my guy you are not going to get better if you don’t put the work in. it’s tragic really because he has the potential to be a really incredible driver (and potentially even someone i root for) if he would just stop with the pity parties and start taking matters into his own hands

(also i wish he would just shut the fuck up sometimes. i love a yapper but he somehow always manages to find the most annoying and insensitive things to say)

(also also i find it SO ANNOYING how often his radios get played during races. i swear some weekends it feels like they play every single one of his radios while only playing a select few from other drivers)

(his lack of sportsmanship also pisses me off but i honestly think that goes hand in hand with his self esteem issues. i think if he wasn’t so convinced that the universe is working against him and there’s nothing he can do about it then he wouldn’t have such a hard time being happy for other drivers and respecting the work they’ve put in to achieve their good results. also i still haven’t fully forgiven him for hungary. or for disrespecting lewis)

anyway thanks for listening <3

hey anon, first of all, thank you for the rant, my inbox is always open and i like to chat with people. i am honoured to be one of your favourite haters, i'm always at your service. 🫡

moving on, i agree with you so so much. half of my issues with Lando are actually his attitude and comments. one would think that he received some kind of media training by this stage of his career, but every time he opens his mouth, i'm reminded that he hadn't. and like, just as you said, it is okay for him to talk about how all this is affecting his mental health, it is truly such an important topic in a sport like F1, but also he really just likes to play the victim the way i see it (it's the scorpio in him lol).

he has one shit result in a sea of good ones and he just lets it absolutely get to him. i get that they all want to win and perform and get good results and points, but yesterday as well, he reacted like he qualified P20, not P6. and he still ended up on the podium, so it was really all for nothing. it's a perfect example of how he talks before he thinks like 95% of the time. he's allowed to feel shit that's not what i'm trying to say, but that alone will not get him far.

and regarding his driving, you're also so right. Oscar's biggest weaknesses were tyre management and quali and i think we can see just how much he improved based on this year's results so far. Lando said that he wants to win a championship without changing who he is and how he drives, but at this point, i fear that is just not possible.

also i don't know, that may be just me, but his self-deprecating comments sometimes seem so disingenuous to me. it's like he wants sympathy, he wants people to say "no, it's not you, you're amazing". his recent comment for example, about him not knowing how he's leading the championship... how do you expect people to believe that you're championship material when you don't even believe it yourself??

but then the next time he's so arrogant and just makes the most out of pocket comments, it's like whiplash. also he can be so petty and bitter and that is just such a big no for me. i don't think i'll ever forget Hungary '24, the way his engineer had to gentle parent him to do the right thing was really the final nail in the coffin for me.

and because of this he's contradicting himself so frequently. one weekend it's just the car, one weekend it's only the driver and so on. he said that McLaren is the only team with two good drivers at the moment, but then a week later, he's discrediting himself by saying he's not good and he can't drive (when he's literally getting podiums left and right, i need him to drop this act). what is it then? make up your mind.

his weird comments about other drivers are so unnecessary. i'm not saying that he has to be friends with every single one of them, but being a decent person and not passive aggressively shit talking people every chance he gets is really not that hard (some of them are people that he claims to be friends with, might i add). other drivers can do it. all in all, his personality is just really off putting and i don't think i can ever move past it.

[soupedepates]

Skeletons in the closet (14)

"Hey, Domhildr, wake up."

Hm... I'm still a bit sleepy from having cooked dinner and done all the domestic work.

I let me getting lightly pushed until I fully emerge. Where... oh.

Yes.

Sigi's flat.

After I've pulled my psycho act.

I spent months containing myself and biting my lips just to get all worked up by Egill's chances of recovery.

I mean if she's throwing me out of her life I would take my stuff and go away. I can't be with such a good person without fucking everything up. And I am too far up in shit to back down, you know.

Her face seems so scared. Scared of what? Of me. Of my behaviour.

But it's not my fault, right? I mean Sigi is investigating my brother's only hope, so...

Girl, you had time to sleep it off.

You had time to think before saying anything.

You can come with a better excuse.

But it's no excuse?

Oh.

Am I sabotaging myself?

"Please sit down, I've made dinner", I say in a muffled voice as I flee Sigi's eyes for the kitchen.

***

I haven't said a thing during our meal, neither has Sigi, and now I am doing the dishes in silence only disturbed by the water's splashes. She lingers at the room's threshold, remaining quiet. Yet on our lips there are a few words.

I am sorry. I've been horribly mean to you for no reason. Pardon me for lashing out on you.

Those kinda words.

"I'm fuckin' scared for my brother", I say.

"I know."

"I don't know what you plot against his oncologist but that's driving me crazy."

She doesn't answer. I stay silent for some time. I am setting myself up for failure, uh.

"...I am sorry for pulling my psycho act. I'll understand if you want me to get the fuck out of here. I've seen the boundary you set and I gleefully jumped over it. So yeah. That would be fair. I'm sorry."

I can only hear her slowly walk towards me. Then a clear noise of a dish being dried by a towel then put down.

"The situation I am in is very very VERY nerve-wracking", I continue. "My brother is dying. My two brothers are, in fact, they do the dying more than anyone I know. Egill has... Egill has a chance to recover, you know?"

She doesn't answer back.

"I know you don't want to kill him. I... I am sorry for being such an unfair bitch toward you."

"...Sorry for everything."

"You are just doing your job, I guess. There is... nothing to be sorry about. I'm terrified for my brother but I trust you and your judgement. I don't fully trust Fenrir but that's on me."

She faintly smiles. Not sure if it's sincere.

"I... should probably get going. I have cleaned everything, and there are tupperwares in the fridge for lazy days. There are strawberries, too. And uh..." I think for myself for a bit before continuing my tirade. "I... I won't call nor text until you do it first. I've... I've been terrible and you need your space."

She doesn't stop me. I guess she hates me now.

She would be right.

Who can love such a filthy

Mean

Depraved

Stupid

Bitch like me?

Certainly not a good person.

"I'm sorry", Sigi whispers as I lace my shoes.

I open the door. I keep the key. The key chain is something with a silly picture of us two. Before I fucked everything up by being a bitch and a psycho. This is my hope she won't leave me.

This is my hope.

I don't have many so I cling to the ones that stick.

"I'll call you tomorrow, I... need to... breathe."

"Yeah", I nod. "Don't feel forced. I'm a big girl and I won't do anything stupid."

I take my bag. I may have left stuff around the place but I'm going to cry if I'm staying any longer.

And I am at fault.

I am at fault.

And I know Sigi. Have I unknowingly signified I would put myself in danger, my Knight in shining armour would try to shield me from everything, including my own stupidity. I... that's unfair. I shouldn't let her bear my own burden.

I am a self-sabotaging idiot. I spilt happiness, and now I'm alone in a chilly corridor.

Tears roll down my cheeks. I almost suffocate in my sobs.

"Domhildr...?"

I hear Sigi's voice behind me. I walk faster and run down the stairs. Can't face her. That would be so fucking unfair.

Because I would make that all about myself.

And I've been terrible.

Truly horrible.

I ask for shots at the bar. By drinking I try to drown my sorrows but I suppose they know how to swim.

[myfairkatiecat]

Compare your Keefe boy to a song, BUT it can't be Olivia Rodrigo or Taylor Swift >:)

OOOOHHH THIS IS DIFFICULT BUT I CAN DO THIS

all the things she said by tATu!!!

Gonna paste the lyrics here:

All the things she said

All the things she said

Running through my head

Running through my head

Running through my head

All the things she said

All the things she said

Running through my head

Running through my head

All the things she said (all the things she said)

This is not enough (enough, enough, enough)

^^that’s the chorus, and I think it’s about the things his mother said to him growing up, prepping him to have a “legacy,” making him wonder what things might be like if she actually loved him….

I'm in serious shit, I feel totally lost

If I'm asking for help it's only because

Being with you has opened my eyes

Could I ever believe such a perfect surprise?

^^keefe doesn’t ask for help. He hides behind jokes and runs away when his defenses fall. But with sophie… she’s special to him. And he’s less afraid to ask for help.

I keep asking myself, wondering how

I keep closing my eyes but I can't block you out

Want to fly to a place where it's just you and me

Nobody else, so we can be free

Nobody else, so we can be free

^^keefe reveals in stellarlune that he tried to ignore Sophie’s telepathic message after he ran away to keep himself from thinking of her and wanting to come home. He doesn’t want to face his reality, but he doesn’t want to be away from sophie either 😭

And I'm all mixed up, feeling cornered and rushed

They say it's my fault but I want her so much

Want to fly her away where the sun and rain

Come in over my face, wash away all the shame

^^Keefe has a lot of things that are his fault. If you’ve seen me post about him, you know he’s screwed up. Big time. And a lot. And of course he cares, he cares, he cares about sophie so so so much and he wishes he could have her but during his time in the forbidden cities he doesn’t think he CAN have her because she has Fitz and he wants her to be happy. He wishes he and sophie could live in this perfect world where he hadn’t hurt her and all his friends and himself. In unlocked, he even refers to the issue with the caches as “the one betrayal he couldn’t seem to fix”—Keefe is trying so hard. But too often, it isn’t enough.

When they stop and stare, don't worry me

'Cause I'm feeling for her what she's feeling for me

I can try to pretend, I can try to forget

But it's driving me mad, going out of my head

^^Keefe knows, since he is an empath, that Sophie’s emotions are torn regarding romance, even before SHE knows it. He tries to not worry about he, he tells himself he wants her to be happy with Fitz, but he knows she has feelings for her because he can feel them and in his nightfall short story he agrees with Ro that it drives him crazy—but he wants sophie to have whatever she wants. (Good thing in stellarlune she realizes she wants him so they can have their happy ending.)

Mother looking at me

Tell me what do you see?

Yes, I've lost my mind

Daddy looking at me

Will I ever be free?

Have I crossed the line?

^^if you haven’t realized by now, KEEFE’S PARENTS ARE THE WORST. His father is abusive and neglectful. His mother is a villain who only wants to use him to her own ends. And he feels as though he’ll never be free of them, either of them, always… and his mother tells him, all the time, to “embrace the change,” to “fulfill his legacy,” and he doesn’t want to be changed by his mom and he’s grieving the mother he thought he knew who wasn’t a good parent but wasn’t THIS either… and he does wonder sometimes. Has he crossed the line? Is this the betrayal he WON’T be able to fix? How many times will sophie forgive him? How many times will the thing he is SURE is right turn out to actually be wrong?

All the things she said

All the things she said

Running through my head

Running through my head

Running through my head

THANK YOU FOR THIS ASK SOPHIE!!! This was so much fun—and now I’m having Keefe feelings!! (But then, when am I not?)

[aintitfierce]

GET TO KNOW YOUR ADMIN !!

NAME -- masha

PRONOUNS -- she/her, but they/them or it/its could be nice. i won't kick up a fuss to he/him, either, but it does give me a brief pause

PREFERRED COMMS -- lies down probably IMs here, unfortunately. i have 'not getting out of this chair-itis' rip also my computer (not the laptop) is like 15 years old and dying a slow death so i can't open more than a single tab and maybe my pictures folder without everything slowing to the speed of molasses on a cold day

HOWEVER, i have gotten over myself a little bit and i do have an active discord now. so i've been thinking about moving some stuff there

NAME OF MUSE -- vanya, but he prefers pretty vanya or anything similarly Fawning. he has a noticeable, unexplained fondness for being referred to as the nondescript 'creature' as well

EXPERIENCE IN RP -- my first experience with RP was in the gaiaonline forums as a teenager lmAO. i used to scrounge around in the forums for any literary magical school-based RPs. then i kinda fell away from it once i left the site. i didn't pick it back up again until after i'd been on tumblr for a few months in 2013-2014 or so, stumbled into the kung fu panda fandom and made a friend who got me into RPing canon characters through skype ghfhiieo then i opened up an ask blog in june 2014 which very quickly morphed into just a RP blog instead and the rest is history

BEST EXPERIENCES -- back on gaia i joined a roleplay which was taking place in some school for people with super powers (i was in a lot of those as u might have guessed, they were my favorites lmao). me and one other person were the only ones awake and active at one point and it was just a rapid fire interaction between our muses for a couple pages, after which we laughed at The Shenanigans bc we were pretty sure our two characters had just become the comic relief of the entire thread and wondered how the other players were going to react when they inevitably came back

honestly i just remember it being a ton of fun. that style of RP is so incredibly foreign to me now, but nostalgic

PET PEEVES / DEALBREAKERS -- i had to take a long time to think about this, and i think the number one thing that gets to me is infomodding. i very much prefer having a running tally of what our muses each know about each other and more importantly what they Don't. i wrote with someone once who would occasionally consider what they knew about my muse to be fair game for their muse to know as well, without any reasoning for how they'd know this information or when they found it out

additionally, the only other thing i can think of that does get to me pretty badly is related to pacing. like i mention below, i like interactions that feel relatively real and natural, and sometimes that means letting the conversation unfold on its own and allowing awkward silences and lulls to play out to their conclusions. it drives me a little crazy when i'm just getting comfortable in a conversational thread but my writing partner is instead evidently feeling Bored with the small talk, so they inject some drama or some other bombshell to Liven It Up and get the action rolling orz usually has killed the thread for me in the past

MUSE PREFERENCE ( FLUFF, ANGST, SMUT ) -- out of these three probably angst, but i rarely RP it bc i don't feel that i'm very good at it. also idk how Seriously people could pretty vanya angst lmao

i've done so little actual RPing with him (my own fault, tbh) that i don't really know what my preference is with him yet. him being captured by big jack bc there were rumors about him being Powerful And Rare has probably been one of my favorite interactions so far. i admittedly do enjoy writing more antagonistic interactions more than i do friendlier ones

PLOT OR MEMES -- my Natural State is that of a pantser, to be completely honest, but there's a special place in my heart for plotted threads. i do enjoy laying out the basics and then letting it go with a check-in every now and again when one of us is running out juice or Unsure about anything

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES -- either or. i'm no good at one-liners, and i struggle with novella length (condensing my partner's response into something i can reply to while being careful to keep the story Moving takes a lot of brainpower for me). i do however love replies and threads and partners, perhaps, who are okay with letting some parts of the conversation Drop and potentially come back into play later. i like that sense of continuity, where it feels like a real or natural interaction two people might have with lulls in the conversation and callbacks

BEST TIME TO WRITE -- at this point i have no clue wheezes

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE? -- lord i hope not lmao

[this-is-where-i-hide-my-bullshit]

I keep thinking your profile picture is rarity from my little pony I’m so sorry

Ha! I can understand that, it's definitely the color schemes fault.

It's actually this leathermouth Frank that I drew almost exactly one year ago, it's birthday is in 4 days!

It didn't get many notes but it's still one of my personal favorite things I've ever drawn :)

I was in a bad headspace about my art when I drew this and it was the first drawing I had done in MONTHS that I really liked and enjoyed working on, so it's important to me.

Sometimes when I'm getting too in my own head worrying about if my art's good enough or I'm driving myself crazy trying to over perfect my work I remember this drawing and how much better it feels to have fun drawing instead of stressing about the final product meeting the unfair standards that I set for myself.

I made it my profile picture so that I see it whenever I'm uploading my art as a reminder that my art only needs to be important to ME in order to be worth making, and that even if it doesn't get notes it's still valuable because I enjoyed making it.

[jaynnie-jane]

What a fucking mess. I still don't know where solid ground is. Some part of me feels more comfortable with this free fall.

I guess I had been carrying the blame with me for the past 9 months. I had been holding onto this little bundle of "not good enough".

It's an easy thing for me to believe too, it took me s LOT of self work to not hate myself for not working full time. So when the ultimatum was made, at a time when through no fault of either of ours my brain twisted in and started to die... of course I decided you must be right and that I was not good enough for you.

I know it's more complex than 15k, for both of us. It always is.

The thing is, I was already working on it. Self work looks different for everyone. I know that for me though the drive for that work has to be intrinsic. When I grabbed that little ball of not good enough, made it my own by empathising and truly understanding where you were coming from I then had one more thing to untangle, one more thing to work through when I was already full up on pychological rot.

I have spent the last 7 months trying to work out where that bundle could fit, knowing every step of the way that it didn't. And it was a wriggly little bugger too! It would constantly grow or shift. And because I had to just shove it haphazardly on the pile of mess that was already there, it's been really hard to even see what was under despite knowing that pile was growing too.

That little bundle of not good enough wasn't something I could move around like I can the others. The other piles of psychological yuck are all mine and I can get them to sort of stick together and blend a bit which helps for stability in every day life. But that little bundle stacked on top was heavy and didn't want to mesh with the rest of my junk. It would roll around because it DOES have a mind of it's own because it was not mine.

Whenever that little bundle shifted and I could see my rot pile, I would check my own pile, untangle a little bit of it which just made that little bundle roll into the hole I created by working on my own issues. And the damned bundle just kept getting bigger!

It got so big and heavy and unruly that I couldn't see my own issues, I couldn't get to them. It would just bobble around whenever I moved, constantly pushing down on me, crushing my rot, getting bigger every day while the issues under kept growing.

That little bundle wasn't mine, nor was it yours. It came from the third entity and I had not realised you had been carrying it the entire time, just like you had not realised there were things from the third entity that I had taken on and decided to carry.

For the first few months after you realised the bundle wasnt yours we played hot potato with it, each time it changed hands it got bigger and more dense. But, I ran out of the strength to throw it back when it managed to get lodged in my pile of stuff that's reserved for "you are responsible for making your partner happy". I suspect that the bundle ended up there because it felt familliar, maybe it was truly your bundle to begin with but because you had been doing a lot of self work you were able to jiggle it free and recognise it. I know you never intended it to crush me. For most people it would probably roll off but my pile of "happy partner" is just a crazy magnet for stuff like that. If I'm not being dilligent with booping it's snoot, it will catch EVERYTHING even when it wasn't even thrown for it! (No! Bad muck puppy, not your problem ball. Drop it, drop iiittt. NO, NOT THERE!! Gorram it, well, I guess that's stuck in there now. Ergh, i gotta touch it... eh I will just leave it for later.)

I feel like I threw away that bundle two days ago. Two days ago I didn't try to give it back, I just made the choice not to carry it any more. The problem though is that third entity, the thing this bundle belongs to, that entity doesn't carry stuff on its own. It's more like a support pokemon that boosts it's team but for whatever reason can't hold an item. Maybe we didn't feed it properly. The second you drop third entities items it feels rejected and it runs away. Sometimes it will try to hide with one person or the other, sometimes it just runs off. Skittish little thing.

The thing I have known to be true about this year is that were I single, I would not have been entertaining the idea of looking after a relationship pokemon. Were I single I would have done a full Jj lock-down, ONLY focus on me and what I want and need. But that wasn't the case and now my shiny, super rare pokemon has been scared away.

On the plus side my muck puppy FINALLY stopped bringing that problem ball back, though he is eyeing it off and I KNOW he wants to pick it up. I think he really misses the pokemon, he does get fed more when its around.

[alarming-prism]

i saw your response to the ask about a fic u wanted more positive engagement on and i just want u to know i read that when i didnt have an ao3 account and have been searching for that fic FOREVER like it drove me so crazy it was so good. like im the type who usually only reads happy endings but it literally plagued my thoughts for MONTHS it was so good.... their relationship was so deliciously awful i think its peak representation of fq during their era of nothing but raw hurt and festering resentment from misunderstandings and all the outside factors stressing them out.... so excited to watch fxmq irreparably hurt and damage each other.... also yes the writing was a bit confusing but like in a good way,,,, like if it had been less vague and more clear i feel like it wouldnt have been as enjoyable bc that writing style really fit the vibe of the story, it kind of pulled it all together ykwim? like i really loved how u wrote it i think it was perfect as is, i cant think of a single possible thing that could make it even better.... yeah, tbh just for all your fics, u have this way of setting a kind of atmosphere throughout that just really brings the whole story together, like i noticed it in the mq toy store employee fic and the broken threads fic too. im not articulate enough to identify or describe what it is exactly that u do, but u do it sososososoooooo well it drives me crazy. youre amazing <33 ok ummmm i love all your writing and i will easily wait another 10 years for a hint of a second chapter for this fic or any other works by u, so please take your time without worry, i hope u have an amazing day/night, byeeee :3 <3

i'll have you know that i had a super rough day yesterday + i'm currently sick rn and when i got this ask i started to tear up. you get me and you get exactly what i'm going for. i understand wanting happy endings but i'm also desperate to explore the part of fengqing that's in continuous conflict not through any fault of their own but because of their circumstances + who they are as people,, and i know that's not for everyone but it makes me so happy that you understand what i'm trying to do here lmao.

i think i'll legitimately have to rethink my entire life if it takes me ten years to finish the second chapter, but i just checked my fic tracking doc and i started it back in february so uhh. i can't make any promises but this did make me open up that doc again and nanowrimo is coming up so i'll have to work on something or other. and every time i actually start thinking about this fic again i start to go insane. i think last time i worked on it i made myself cry? i'm definitely just oversharing at this point but.

idk just. thank you so much for sending such a long, heartfelt ask. it made a shitty day infinitely better. i hope you have an amazing day/night right back <3

[nathank77]

5/31/25

9:07 p.m Significantly Added to

Tbh I want to end it. The voice actually drives me crazy. Hearing the same shit constantly, all day. Everyday. Hearing the same like 4 or 5 phrases. I feel broken. Like my brain is a mangled mess and is so brain damaged it isnt worth continuing.

My mother will die soon. I will end up homeless and I will never find a gf.

Ive worked on myself. I go to the gym. I go to the drs. I take care of myself. I'm healthy. I pay for own shit. I love myself. I'm confident. I find myself attractive. I know other people must. Yet I'll be single until the day I die. No one will ever marry me. I will be alone forever and I'm sick of fucking trying.

Im really close. Its all pointless. I dont see the point in going the rest of my life without a partner and without kids and being alone. And once I end up homeless i mean im done before that happens.

Im so sick of hallucinating. Id honestly rather die than continue pretending this is a quality of life. Idc if it got better. Its not good. I only dont hallucinate when im around people which is basically never. And im set up for being permanently alone just bc I dont make green paper.

This is the best version of me and if someone can't love me like this then it's time to end it. 2027 or sooner. Whenever I cant take feeling this alone and this fucking broken anymore.

Life consistently only gets worse. Not better. Things change for the worse. People die. People leave. Things end. There are no new beginnings. There are just endings. Everyone leaves me. I can't even meet one fucking person.

And not being able to hear people coming up behind me or on my side is very uncomfortable. I had some women come up behind me at the gym today. I had no idea until she was in my face about how she wanted to get on the machine I just got on.

It was raining actually pouring today and I couldn't wear my hearing aids even to the fucking car and of course not in the gym. I can basically never wear them. My glasses got covered in rain drops and I couldn't even wear them until I rinsed them off in the sink.. but no wonder everyone just appears on the side of me or behind me, I cant hear anything. Its really anxiety provoking. If only my hearing wasn't reliant on electronic devices that cant take any contact with fucking water. I sweat like crazy at the gym. I cannot wear them.

Anyways. I walked 4 miles over the last 2 days for Elise. I got 19 left. I total 12 from the beginning counting the miles I dont have proof of. I have proof of these. I wear the breast cancer ribbon on my gym bag now everyday. Idk if youre here but I really need a friend. I think youre here.

I realized my problem with therapy is as much as I need to, "process," my trauma, I need someone to hug me and let me cry to them. That's all I ever needed. No therapist. No person could ever fix the trauma I went through. There are no right words to say. There is no processing it. There is only compassion. Genuine connection. Someone to hold me. Someone who understands. But im never going to fucking have that.

Its not my therapists fault that sometimes we all need someone to hold us while we cry. Ive needed that for you know 2 almost 3 years now. Im never going to have that.

I remember my mother left for Texas without any money once. I tried to pretend I was okay. Thank God for cecile. I was laying on her and I started hysterically crying. She didnt say anything really. She didnt have the rights words to say. There wasn't anything that could fix it. She held me. She let me cry in her arms. That's all I needed.

And thats all i need now. But im never going to fucking have that again. And thats why im about to end it all.. bc I know what I need but im never going to have it.

[queervegancryptid]

Feeling really beside myself right now.

I actually thought about calling 988. But that's a government thing, I'm pretty sure. And I don't trust anyone lately and tend to assume that talking about being trans or being worried about what's happening will call attention to me that I don't need right now.

I talked to my dad last night. We hadn't talked in a couple of months, and I have barely been on Facebook since the inauguration. He noticed, which surprised me. At least he actually understood my reason: ever since the inauguration, it's not that I've been paranoid about anything in particular, but... I find it best not to call attention to myself. Plus, the people on there, I trust some of them, but I don't trust the platform itself. And there are folks I know who have a habit of saying stupid conservative shit, and I can't respond. You can't reason with them, and going off on them does no good. You're just another crazy lefty.

My partner and I were supposed to go work an event this morning, only he's sleeping because he woke up at 5 AM and couldn't get back to sleep until 9 AM. He's not safe to drive; this is objectively the right call, to let him get some rest. There's another event this afternoon.

But he fell asleep about 9:05, a few minutes after my fucking alarm went off. My phone wouldn't unlock so I could turn it off, and then I was awake because I was annoyed with that. So my ass is up, but he gets to sleep.

And all this was after he basically accused me of being angry with him if we don't go to the event as planned. And like. I'm angry. Don't get me wrong. Angry is probably most of what I am right now. But not at him.

I'm pissed off because I can't do anything to change my situation. I don't have resources. I don't have transportation of my own. I don't have any fucking option other than to depend on him, and he can't fucking get with it.

This is not his fault. But I'm still within my rights to be upset about it.

Really, what I'm most upset about right now is, I could be getting some much needed rest. But my body won't let me, and my mind is too worried to be quiet. So I get to be awake, and I can't do anything about the feeling, because of the bullshit medical system we have in this country and the puritanical anti-drug culture that permeates a lot of medical offices.

I guess there's no way someone with chronic pain, who has to take narcotic pain medicine for it, could possibly also have severe anxiety and PTSD. Someone as broke as me can't afford medicinal marijuana, so I had to let my medical recommendation lapse because I didn't have $80. Before my old psychiatrist moved across the country, I had access to Klonopin. She gave me a 90 day supply that I milked for nearly six months. So I asked for a refill from the new psychiatrist the practice put me with.

And it was like, stop the fucking world, right? Can't have that. Then the psychiatrist they put me with gave me Auvelity, which is dextromethorphan plus a small amount of bupropion. I am already on bupropion. So basically she told me to take more of that and microdose Robitussin. For anxiety. As opposed to just, I don't know, prescribing something that I know works for me and that I've been on for long periods of time with ZERO ISSUE, including in conjunction with the pain meds. Which she could see if she checked my prescription records, and I know she did, because that's what they do.

And I'm the fucking crazy weirdo. Come to find out, the practice was bought out -- business majors and private equity ruin everything -- and they have a policy of not prescribing benzos at all and weaning people off if they come in on them.

So it isn't even that they thought I was a drug-seeker or looked down on me as a "junkie" trying to pull a scam or something along those lines. They just don't fucking care.

But if I'm angry over any of this, I'm the asshole. I am so fucking tired of explaining myself and censoring my feelings. At some point, I'm going to have a fucking stroke or a very inconvenient meltdown, possibly in public. I want to fucking scream.

And that's before we even get into the political situation.

I'm gonna say it: I feel like the least important thing in my own life and to the people around me. I feel like I have no options or recourse. And it isn't that people in my life don't love or care about me. They do. But I get ignored and pushed aside because other things are more important. And that happens pretty much all the time.

And it's just really hard. Even when you know your partner loves you, it's hard to feel like you aren't very important to them or anyone else.

If I disappeared, only a handful of people would even notice. And it's my own stupid fault.

So I'm crying on the couch while he sleeps in bed. Because when he wakes up, we have to go do his job together. His job and politics have essentially taken over my whole life.

And tomorrow is Easter, and we have to go to his mom's. His mom thinks I'm a cis woman, calls me her son's wife, and I tolerate it because she's 83 and has had multiple TIAs in recent years, plus an aneurysm years ago. She's also had her brain marinated in conservative bullshit for decades. She says things like "I'm really glad you're part of the family" and "I'm so glad you and (partner) found each other" and she and his sister know we're crazy about each other. I do love him completely, and I genuinely don't blame him for the situation we're in. Or the fact that I can't be who I am around his mom, or increasingly in public at all. This is not his fault. I agreed to keep my gender identity from her when we first got together. The circumstances have changed, though.

I don't know if I'm up for having lunch with her and her Christian neighbors. Especially after I found an anti-trans pamphlet in her house. (I stole it.) So I think I'm going to "have a migraine" or something tomorrow.

Honestly, at some point, I feel like I'm going to lose it and just come out to her. Like someone will say something that hits me just so, and I won't be able to control myself. I'll have to either leave the room or I'll run off at the mouth.

It'll be like that part in Blazing Saddles, where Bart is about to go off on the racist assclown they're working for, and the other black guy in the scene is trying to talk him out of it. And he's like, nah, man, a baby's gotta do what a baby's gotta do. And hits the aforementioned assclown over the head.

Not that I'd literally hit anyone over the head unless I had to, but metaphorically... One of these days, I'm going to lose it.

And I can't even talk about it. No matter how justified I am in my feelings, it doesn't matter. I'm the asshole.

I'm really tired of being the asshole.

[rockonronan]

I've been thinking a lot recently about watching cartoons as a child and how all summer break when it was minimum 115 degrees outside and barely got any cooler at night, all I wanted to do was have a summer like Phineas and Ferb. All of these cartoon kids spent so much time wandering through woods and laying in backyards with a group of friends, that it was the plot of a full episode when it was too hot outside to do that, and I was standing barefoot on the pavement that was hot enough to fry an egg on burning off my nerve endings and giving myself blisters because I thought I could make myself strong enough to play outside by waiting through the pain until I couldn't even tell the ground was there let alone that it was hot. Annie and Hallie in The Parent Trap and Ron Stoppable were being shipped off to summer camp and complaining about it and all I felt was the type of jealousy you think you're never going to recover from because god i wish that was me. Sure you might get to go swimming at a friend or cousin's house once a week or so which was saving grace like no other, but beyond that was just the 5 minute evening bursts of running around in the yard after begging to go out all day before your face is bright red and you burn yourself touching your scooter and you aren't having much fun anyways so it's back to the house where all you have to keep you entertained is your allotted 2 episodes of TV a day, books, your own imagination, and whatever crafts your mom thinks up. weekly new flavors of homemade popsicles were a common appearance and it's not to say these activities weren't enjoyable, but every summer i could never understand why every kid in every piece of media I could get my little hands on was so excited for summer break. My summer break meant 1 glorious week in a state north of home spent with grandparents and cousins sitting on back porches and maybe even camping if you were lucky. Most of it though was so monotonous and boring that I would wish to go back to school and at least see my friends, those lucky bastards who were out of town the entire 2 months. I could not even slightly understand the hype around summer break and figured it must just be one of those big disappointments in life adults always seemed to be talking about. Now as an adult who lives in that state I would briefly visit for that 1 week that was the full highlight of my year for my entire childhood, I understand why people like summer. I can go to a lake every day if I want, or nap on my back porch all morning before eating too much elote and driving up the canyon to see the stars where I need to bring a jacket even in July. Now summer means spontaneous camping trips with no phone calls needed to figure out schedules because we're all together already anyways, and deciding it's worth the weight to backpack a leftover half-gone thing of bagged wine 8 miles into the mountains so we can drink it together around a fire only to finish it 3 miles into the hike and not even care. I wonder if the love i have for participating in outdoor mischief and general tomfoolery, and the pride I feel when someone calls me a dirtbag even if they're trying to be mean, is a side effect of so much incredible yearning for this type of summer as a kid that I have to make up for it now and give myself the summer camp experience I never had. If I had grown up here spending my summers outside with those cousins would I still be so hungry for it now? or is the heat of my hometown just an excuse I came up with to convince myself it wasn't my fault I feel so unfulfilled by the summers of my childhood? Maybe summer break was just one of those big disappointments adults always seem to be talking about and I'm just crazy enough now not to understand it anymore. Either way, it snowed again at my house today, and I cannot wait for it to be summer.

[johnniesmoke]

Rest Assured - Analysis - Song - Lyrics -- Johnnie Smoke

Johnnie Smoke’s lyrics capture a relentless pursuit of purpose, wrestling with fate, ambition, and artistic integrity. He reflects on struggles, questioning the system while embracing his role in shaping culture. The balance between uncertainty and self-assurance drives the narrative, highlighting themes of perseverance, destiny, and creative responsibility. With poetic depth, he challenges limitations, expressing frustration yet maintaining faith in his vision. His words reveal an artist unwilling to compromise, striving for his moment.

I've got problems that I can't solve on my own. / I'm crazy because I got hit by some ghosts on my shoulders./ In the form of two rap legends, the biggest and best./ And that was out of my control. /

But telling, nonetheless, can't begin to stress that. / I can't begin to dismiss anything less than a twist of fate to help us towards destiny. / I'm not sure why we needed to be made, but we do. /

I'm chiming in to lend an ear. / Lend a hand. Really, it's meant to be. / Seems silly to pursue all else/ Like, I'm a pick for the role. /

The fatigue of the wait, for the glory, drags me down more and more/ Starting to question all my life choices. / School on my parents' dime, / Seems better than minimum wage./

So that's what I've been doing. / Sheesh I guess I'm lucky, but I can't fathom "working" with my degree. / This verse changes something, but not enough. / All I can think about, is when's gonna be? /

Don't fault me for being on the record. / Give me the respect that I deserve. / I need the attention so I don't get bored. / As ledgend would have it, I still have to be set free by the people. /

Are you in denial? / Or hot on the case. / I'm too far in the lead. / Don't bother to give chase. /

It ain't a fair fight. / The Limelight is being rigged for a kid. / I'm just appeasing the message that was sent to me. / It might as well be the story that we deserve. /

Rest assured, it hasn't been all sunshine and rain. / It took me a while to draw it like that. / Really, I wonder why? / Must be prime time now, with a bigger picture for a story like mine. /

Led to believe nobody should be missing it, / But that doesn't fix it. / The rest aren't getting worked. / I'll admit it, I don't like the looks of it. /

This is absurd, like a day job. / Everybody acts like they want, but it's no tell that they've got. / Like divine intervention. /

I wouldn't even start without a sign. / You'd be waiting for your time and mine. / It's all stigmatized./ Anyhow, you'll be the kid pulling up fool's gold. /

Believe me, I wouldn't be here right now if I wasn't chosen. / God damn, am I lonely. / I'm supposed to ignore that until I'm in the news? / And I'm not ready to sell myself short /

Or try to explain it to these ladies. / It's a sure thing me on the record, not all but./ Don't stretch yourself thin. / I want the leverage I deserve. /

Cleaned up my act young, another day will go by. / I'm left in limbo./ Facing more of those redemptionless moments that I struggle through. / My capital is dwindling, and I'm trying to get down to business. /

Nothing to show for, but I've got my youth with me. / As usual, limits being tested along with my patience. / The doors to heaven on earth, / Elusive as they've ever been. /

Wishing for a lot, expecting it all these days. / What else could I have on my mind when I know I'm right? / In having faith that the stars align once more. / I want to be able to commit to what I know, / Not appease the system. / You know.

Say Goomba to all the nonsense, / Holding me back and holding me down. / Telling you I'll be around to get the job done. / Got me out on a whim, feeling like I can't win. /

Well, when’s when? Like I couldn't do this, then. / After I get it figure, semantically unsound. / But I don't know. I can't know, / As if my purpose isn't questioned. /

Feels like denial of rejection, / A mystified moment, / And I don't know how to forget it. / It's gotten by the Cahoonas as the inspiration. / Just trying to keep life in-line with the plot./ Just wondering when am I going to get my shot? /

[taergperhaps]

assumption of the risk (of anger)

sometimes i wish i could express anger more forcefully or at all. it's such an unfamiliar emotion for me which i didn't realize until recently. to say the least, i have a lot of things to be angry about in my life and more often than not i just let anger wash over me. i don't lash out, i don't scream, i don't "get even", i don't scale the walls, i don't go to combat or do any of the typical behaviors associated with anger. it's one of the few emotions that don't really compute for me.

emoting anger is such a foreign concept that i'm currently struggling even making this a topic of discussion. driving home today, i thought among other things 'wow i'm so fucking pissed at him for just leaving me hanging like this, he really just has nothing to say to me after all the things i've said to him and ways i've tried to reach out and make things right. i don't even know why i apologized or what i was apologizing for exactly, he's the one who didn't like me or say anything real about what he was feeling about me. fuck him for making me feel and think i'm crazy'.

it's like i have these little whirlpools of anger inside me that i can never readily access. they rise up occasionally, as like a stream of consciousness, when i'm doing something else and by the end of my internal rants i've turned it back on myself. so by the end of a rant, like the one above, i'll have arrived at the conclusion that 'i have no right to be angry at him because it was my choice to "take the wooden nickel" as my grandpa would say and open the door and let him back in my heart and mind and therefore my fault that he no longer wants anything to do with me and i shouldn't have been stupid enough to rehope and reimagine a life with him in it.'

i barely know how to write about my own anger in a way that's not detached and/or intellectualized. but i'm gonna challenge myself to start writing more anger based entries when i'm angry because anger is valid and some people have me fucked up. if i can write about it then i can talk about it and if i can express anger more readily then it's over for the people that get me so fucked up. anyway, cheers to anger and FUCK N.D. and all the bitches he claims.

[onlyalonelywriter]

!!! TW list

CHAPTER 2

VICTOR

I've barely met her and I already feel like this woman is going to destroy me one day.

I look in Isabella’s direction, trying to unravel her mind. In business, this seemed much simpler.

But when it comes to a woman, nothing seems simple anymore.

That's why I've tried to stay as far away from serious relationships as possible all this time. I'm a fan of fleeting affairs, I don't like complicating my life with a woman who wants stability, a family, and children.

I don't like children.

And I definitely don't want a family.

Isabela's watchful gaze has been following me for several minutes. She's drunk, that's for sure. And I'm not here tonight to babysit the daughter of my number one enemy.

I'm getting closer and closer to achieving my goal, to finally seeing justice, which is truly served for my family. I can’t afford to miss a step or make a mistake because business is like dancing: one wrong step and the whole choreography is gone.

This is different. I don’t want my plan to go to hell, and I don’t want the woman in front of me to stand in the way of it.

Half an hour ago, I ordered a glass of water for her. She obviously didn’t touch it, and she kept drinking her whiskey.

Her stubbornness drives me crazy, and at the same time, it turns me on. And I don’t know why I’m starting to think about her when, in fact, I shouldn’t.

I sit back in my bar stool, trying to ignore the bulge in my pants. I have to push my mind away from this girl, whoever she is.

Suddenly the glass in front of me fills up again with scotch. I don’t remember asking the waiter for another drink. I look in his direction, but he’s not paying me any attention.

“It’s from me,” a female voice says from my side.

I look in the direction of the voice.

Isabela.

Of course she did. I should have realized that.

“My dad paid for all the drinks tonight. I’ll buy you a whiskey or whatever you’re drinking there.”

Of course Sartori did. I don’t think any other businessman in this town would be able to afford to pay for that much alcohol, just for one night.

This shit is unbelievable.

I get up from my seat. Isabela looks at me in panic.

“Are you leaving already?”

“I don’t think I have any reason to stay,” I cut her off coldly.

“Let’s have a drink together, please,” Isabela says, then bursts into hysterical laughter.

“You’re drunk, Isabela. You should go home. This is not a place for girls like you,” I tell her calmly.

“Girls like me? What do you mean? That I don’t belong in this world? Just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean I can’t drink or step out of my comfort zone. You men think you own the world, but you’re so wrong. You don’t know anything about me, Victor! And believe me, you wouldn’t want to see what I’m capable of!"

If there’s one thing I hate about this world, it’s drunk women. And Isabella is driving me crazy right now. I don’t know why the hell she’s here, I don’t know anything about her. But I’d like to find out.

I mentally slap myself.

No. I’m not allowed to do this.

So, in response to her accusations, I straighten up and leave the bar.

I didn’t come here tonight to fuck anyone. I came to get revenge. In fact, to make sure my plan works.

And so far, I haven’t done anything about the plan.

And that’s Isabella’s fault.

I return to my seat, which is on the top floor of the place, where I can see everything that’s going on down there, on the dance floor. And even at the bar.

When I get up there, Isabella has disappeared from her seat. I hope she’s gone home and won’t do anything stupid that will put her in danger.

Why the hell am I suddenly interested in Isabella? Why am I trying to lie to myself that I don’t care where she’s gone or what she’s doing?

If I don’t get out of this place as soon as possible, I’m going to go even more crazy. And I have no right to lose my mind over a woman like Isabella. Over any woman, for that matter.

Suddenly, the place has gotten way too hot, and I don’t even know why. I’m pretty sure I didn’t ask for the temperature to be turned up. I can feel terrible tension in the air, a tension that constantly presses against my entire ribcage, preventing me from breathing properly.

“Romano!” I hear an icy voice behind me.

I turn around, trying not to seem disturbed by the owner of the voice from earlier.

“Sartori!” I reply in disgust.

Damiano Sartori is the one who shot my family to death thirteen years ago. My father was his rival, and Sartori was apparently jealous of all his achievements and gains, so he decided to execute him, not caring what he left behind.

I don’t have time to relive that day now. And I don’t want to. Not here and not now, in front of him. I won’t give him the satisfaction of seeing me fall to the ground.

“If you lay a single finger on my daughter, I’ll make sure you lose your head.”

That’s how Sartori proceeds. Without further ado, he gets straight to the threats.

“Don’t worry, old man, I’m not going to do that. Instead, the only one here who should have his brains blown out is you. But that's for another time."

I'm not going to mess with him. Not now, at least. But when I have to kill him, I'll make sure to do it with my own hands.

Soon, Sartori moves away from me, and I finally have a better view of the dance floor. An alert melody makes the partygoers sway to the rhythm of the music. Everyone seems to be truly transposed into their own world, unaware that, in fact, the real dangers are right before their eyes.

The music in the place is loud enough to burst my eardrums, but I don't seem to mind that either. The volume at maximum allows me to silence my thoughts, at least for a short period of time.

However, the screams of a woman are not part of the melody in the club. I am very sure of this. That is why I carefully get up from my seat, already having my hand on the gun that I always keep at hand. I look left and right, but I see nothing. The screams continue, this time a little louder, which tells me that the victim is somewhere close.

Right around the corner is a bathroom. Most likely the screams from there were heard, so in a few steps I reach the door, and I don’t even care about the damage I am causing, I simply push my shoulder against the door, and it opens surprisingly easily.

The screams have stopped. But the victim and the aggressor are definitely here. I cautiously hold the gun in front of my face, ready to fire if necessary.

The way to the toilet stalls is clear. Suddenly, my pulse has accelerated terribly. I have no problem killing someone, but I just don't know who I'm dealing with this time.

I break down all the doors to the bathroom, but surprisingly, there's no one inside. I make my way back to the exit, and I discover another door, which is probably the room where the bathroom hygiene and cleaning products are kept.

I try the door, but this time, it's locked. The light inside is off, I can't see if anyone is there, but somewhere in my subconscious, I know there's someone inside. So, without any warning, I fire a bullet at the door lock, and it automatically opens, hitting the wall hard.

Inside, horror takes over my face. A man no older than 40 is trying to fuck a girl.

My breath hitches as I realize I’ve seen this dress before tonight.

It doesn’t take me long to reach the guy. I angrily pull him off Isabela, knocking him to the ground. The girl is terrified by what’s happening, but I appreciate that she doesn’t say a word.

I lunge at the man and punch him in the nose a few times, blood spraying onto his white shirt. I remember that I’m holding a gun, so I pointed it at his head, glaring at him.

“No!” a voice shouts, but it doesn’t belong to the immobilized man.

I turn around. Isabella is crouched against the wall, still watching the scene around her. I’m not going to kill this guy. Just give him a death-defying scare.

I crouch down in front of her, ignoring the man behind me. I scan her face for any injuries, and I realize how beautiful she is. Her unreal brown eyes are filled with tears, begging for help, even though the danger has passed. I look at her, reassuring her that she has nothing to fear, and I do the one thing I swore I would never do: I pick her up.

For a few moments, the world seems to stop. I hold the daughter of my enemy in my arms, and I realize that I don’t want to let her go. Even if I have to. Even if she is not and will never be safe in the arms of an assassin, like me.

Isabela pulls away from my embrace, and I have to catch my breath when I look at her again. She is a gorgeous woman, I can’t deny that. But she is not mine.

But one day, she will be. It’s only a matter of time before that happens.

“Let’s get out of here,” I say, breaking the silence.

I don’t know where the hell I’m going to take her, but I don’t want to spend another second in this place.

I help Isabela up and lead her toward the exit. The nearly unconscious man on the floor starts to groan in pain. I’m disgusted with him and what he tried to do to her.

I look down at the gun in my hand and then back up at the man on the floor. And without thinking, I fire the gun at his leg.

Isabela flinches at the sound, but she doesn’t say anything. She smiles at me gratefully, and I wish she hadn’t, because her smile just made me regret shooting that guy. For the first time, I regret shooting someone, and this is because of a smile from a woman I can't have.

Trying not to seem disturbed by this scene, I pull Isabela out of the bathroom and signal the people who accompanied me to come with me and be cautious of everything that is happening around.

Halfway through, Isabela stops, her gaze fixed straight ahead. I have one hand firmly placed around her waist, and I am ready to catch her even when she faints. I don't think too much and take her in my arms, carrying her to the car. I carefully place her on the right-hand driver's seat and get in the car, too.

I analyze all the options I have: I can't take her to her house because that would mean trespassing on the lion's territory. The hotel is not a good option again. Isabela is not a whore to fuck when I'm bored.

I put the keys in the ignition and start the car, heading for the only place I have left: my own home.

I don't bring women to my apartment. No one visits me there.

But for some reason, Isabela isn't exactly a nobody.