#{ I feel like I'm driving myself crazy and that it's my own fault. }

[chronosbled]

{ I am literally sobbing about how many drafts (among other things as well) I have because no matter how hard I try or what I do, I can’t seem to write any of them and it’s overwhelming me to the point of being emotionally stressed. }

[iouinotes]

Heroic Betrayal | Luke Castellan (part 1)

SPOILER FOR THE PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS SERIES AND THE BOOKS

pairing: Luke Castellan x female!reader

show: Percy Jackson and the Olympians

warnings: dark!character, betrayal, implied sexual content, heavy angst, kidnapping

word count: 5,8k

summary: When Luke switches to the dark side, he tries everything possible to win you for him.

a/n: so as the show comes to an end (dont cry dont cry dont cry), I thought I would finally post this :)))

read part 2 here

"I'll find you!" his voice echoes through the forest, my laughter much louder than I intend to. But that´s just how it always goes. It's our own little tradition.

Every year when the camp starts again and we meet after the holidays passed, we play hide and seek in the dangerous forest of the half-blood camp. The creatures usually don't come across our path, in recent years it has rarely happened, that we actually had to defend ourselves against them.

Once it was an angry dryad, who threw branches at me (she had a crush on Luke and wanted revenge, but since I could understand her feelings and felt sad for her, we sorted it out).

Another time we were spotted by some camp members, who made fun of us, but Luke must have said something to them later, because we haven't been bothered by these troublemakers since.

It is always the same pattern, but each time there is still something special about it. We have grown, became more mature (I think), and have more and more experience about the struggles in life.

So being able to just let go for a few moments and being completely alone with him is probably the best thing to keep myself sane (even if he drives me a little bit crazy with the love I hold for him).

But a lot has changed recently.

It all started when rumors spread, that Zeus' lightning bolt had been stolen by Poseidon's son. And then the most supportive, bravest, sassy kid in the world showed up here. Percy Jackson. Ever since I met him, even though it's not his fault, there's been war going on. The gods are angry, the monster attacks became worse and again, rumors about the oldest, most powerful titan Kronos reached the camp.

It scared and frightened many people, including me. That's why we've been training harder and stay awake, even when the stars are shining, so that we can prepare for any catastrophe. To be able to fight.

My mother is the goddess Demeter, my father a simple man. I adore them both, even though my mother isn't one of my closest contacts. But I never really held that against her, because at least she decided to acknowledge me as her daughter. After all, it's a privilege that not everyone gets. My siblings and friends at camp are important to me, but the world is changing and so is everything around it.

The only stability I have left is my boyfriend Luke.

If I had to rely on one person in the whole world (and by that I also mean the underworld), it would be him.

He's been my best friend since I arrived at this camp. We've been together through ups and downs, I know every side of him and he knows everything about me too. Many of the people here are like blank pages to me, but not him. He is like my favorite book, that lays open to me and allows me to read each letter individually. Just as I know every of his dreams, every secret, every truth and every lie. He is my protector, my hero in every dark night and every bright day. Without him, I don't even know who I am. He is a part of me and my heart wouldn't be whole without him.

I watched him grow up. From the small, thin boy whose eyes hid so much pain and sadness to the strong, soulful leader he is today.

His beauty cannot be influenced by anything, he is like my very own sun, without him I could not survive.

I wouldn't want it any other way though.

Now, I'm hiding behind a tree with my back pressed against the bark and I am able to hear the cracking and swinging of the branches.

I smile so wide, that my cheeks start to hurt, when I hear his voice calling. My heart is beating in my throat, but it's not just the adrenaline of not getting caught. It's because of my love for him, which is so strong that sometimes I'm afraid of it. But only in the moments when I realize that nothing, but him is my biggest flaw. I think I would do anything for him.

Then I concentrate again and listen to the sounds around me. But his voice has fallen silent and I don't hear his footsteps anymore.

My eyebrows furrow, confused I try to look around the tree and search for an orange t-shirt. Likely together with his slim body, biceps, beautiful face and wonderful personality.

But when I want to withdraw again, it's already too late. A branch breaks behind me and before I can move I'm pushed against the tree from behind.

I immediately feel his body against mine, hear the laughter in his voice and listen to his strained breathing. His hands wrap around my body and turn me towards him, so that we are now face to face.

He's taller than me and as I look up, I feel the familiar fluttering feeling in my chest. I am so in love with him.

He grins triumphantly at me and I lean against the tree, smiling kindly.

"Found you, princess." The light reflects in his brown eyes and some of his curls are laying wildly on his head. He looks like an angel.

"I made it easy for you." My voice teases him and when he leans in so close to me, that our lips almost touch, I forget how to think properly. A habit I can't change. He's just so captivating.

"Yeah? You think I wouldn't have found you otherwise? Funny. I remember that in the last few years, I always was the winner of our little game." His lips brush mine, I want nothing more than to kiss him. But he knows that, which is why he slowly pulls back, when I start to lean forward.

When I want to complain, he puts his hand around my waist and pulls me into his chest. My knees almost give out, I feel so intoxicated by his presence.

"I-I wanted you to find me." My voice whispers quietly.

His eyebrows rise in mock surprise.

"Then I guess, I can claim my prize without feeling bad." In the next second, his lips are on mine and I'm unable to do anything, other than kissing him back. I wrap my arms around his neck and enjoy the warmth that radiates from him. He sets my heart on fire.

While pushing me against the tree, I've completely forgotten about, he lets his hands wrap possessively around my waist. Digging his nails into my hips, to keep me grounded. Otherwise, I would probably get lost in those sensations.

Luke kisses in a way, like it's the last time he'll have the chance. (As if I would ever want to keep him from doing that).

He's passionate, my body feels like it's on fire and the heat inside me feels so good, that I want more. I can never get enough of him and he knows it. He grins against my lips, but he doesn't break the kiss. I think he secretely loves knowing how much he can mess with me, with just a few kisses.

My hands find his hair and pull him closer to me, our chests touch and his breathing mingles with mine.

It is wonderful and so precious, I would refuse any gift from the gods just to be close to him.

When he pulls away from me, our bodies are still close. My eyes open and look dreamily into his, our gazes reflect a familiarity and love that is like nothing I have ever experienced.

He smiles at me, pushes a stray strand of hair behind my ear and leans himself against me. His fingers stroke the exposed skin of my pulled-up shirt.

"I've missed you." If my heart hasn't melted before, it has now. I give him a kiss on the cheek and hug him, we stand in our embrace for a moment. Enjoying each other's closeness, the calm feeling until the next chaotic situation happens.

"Now we are together again. Only that matters." It's quiet around us and when I close my eyes for the second time, I hear his fast heartbeat. I have to supress a smile.

The wind is the only thing I hear until his voice breaks the silence.

"Something will happen soon. Something big." The peaceful atmosphere is threatened by his words and when I look at his face again, I see his worried eyes.

I sigh, but then nod to agree with him. "I thought about that too, it feels different. Like something is coming our way, that we can't control."

His fingers stroke my cheek and for a moment, his face holds an expression, that I can't understand. It resembles regret.

But before I can ask him about it, he smiles tenderly at me again.

"Nothing will separate us. The world is just a game. It's a matter of time and making the right moves." That is his motto. But I'm not always convinced of this. Even though I trust him to do the right thing.

"I'm just worried we'll get seperated, you know? Evil can be sneaky and traitors always exist. You never know who you can trust." Something I said must have really bothered him, because he looks like I just stabbed him.

This time I ask him about it.

"What's on your mind? You can tell me. Two people who worry about something are better, than one who is alone with it." I take his hand and stroke his skin, it feels cold even though we have summer.

"Nothing, just- I don't want to lose you. I couldn't be here without you. I need you. I mean...I-I love you. You know that I would do anything to keep us together, right?"

His words surprise me. I know he loves me. I can sense that, everyone probably does. But he has never worn his heart on his sleeve and the three magical words only come out of his mouth on special occasions. The fact that he's telling me now surprises me.

"Of course. I trust you. We will survive together, I know that. Are you worried because of the rumors about the Titan King?" This topic is always very critical and he usually doesn't like to talk about it, but this time I decide to address it directly.

"He will come. I just want you to be safe, when it happens." He sounds so confident it gives me goosebumps.

"Perhaps. His followers will definitely try. But love is stronger than anything else. Especially our love. We will get through it." He doesn't look convinced, so I turn his face towards mine and kiss him.

My voice sounds soft, when I speak again.

"Luke, I love you. I could never leave you. Not even the King of the Underworld will be able to keep us apart. I promised to be by your side in every moment of our lives. You are my soul and without it I am damned."

This seems to reassure him, but I feel like he's not telling me something of great importance. But I don't want to push him, I know he will tell me when the time comes.

He always does.

⚔️⚔️⚔️⚔️

As the day comes to an end, I say goodnight to my siblings and report for my night watch duty. The situation has been a lot more worse the recent weeks. Kronos exists, my worst fear was confirmed. And he is building an army, that is so strong that it will be difficult to fight against it. But what I'm really worried about are the rumors about our people, who have also joined his cause.

Nobody knows who, the spies have been hiding ever since. I've never felt like I was paying more attention to my words than I am now. The only person I don't have to hold back to is Luke.

But even with him I notice the effects of the bad news. The circles under his eyes are darker than ever and his nerves are so frayed, that every little thing makes him want to explode. His temper is hanging by a thread, that is increasingly threatening to break. And I'm trying everything to prevent this.

No matter if I try it by making him laugh (which has become difficult), massaging his tense shoulders, trying to kiss him to the point of forgetfulness (usually it's the other way around) or when he takes out his frustration by burying himself deep inside me. With every thrust of his hips, I feel him relax, his hand so tight around my body as if I would run away, if he didn't hold me close enough.

He's changing and I'm trying my best to maintain his good sides. That he doesn't completely lose himself in his responsibilities and the pressure, that he has, because he is a member of the camp council.

Besides, I can't complain, when he fucks me until I can't breathe aynmore and I block out everything around me. When he comes, he whispers the sweetest things in my ear. Even if sometimes they sound so protective, that I could almost come from his voice alone.

When he whispers to me how good I am for him or how much he loves being able to have such a power over me like that - maybe it should scare me, but I trust him like no one else.

My mind concentrated his best for my shift, but when I finally go to bed after quiet some time, my eyes quickly close.

Looking back, I wish I had never let myself sleep that night.

Because, when I close my eyes I see waves. Hear the seagulls screaming in the sky, the fish swimming in the water and the distant cries of strangers.

It's all unusual and the bright light would blind me, if I didn't avert my gaze. And as soon as I do it, I see a ship. It's huge, rust shimmers in the sunrays, the anchor shows that it's been in the same place for a while now.

I feel something pulling me towards it, pushing and burning in my chest, leaving me with a tremor that I can feel, even in my deep sleep.

As I flit through the window like a ghost, I feel paralyzed. My blood freezes, I want to disappear immediately and in my mind I scream at myself to wake up.

But it's no use, whatever is here, someone decided that I have to see it. Only then, my wish will be fulfilled and I can wake up. So, I hide in a corner, there are scratched picture frames above me and broken glass is scattered on the floor. The monsters that loudly crush the glass ahead of me seem unstoppable.

I tremble as I look at at least seven dracaenae, several shaggy hellhounds and set my eyes on gigantes, that take up almost the entire room.

But that is nothing compared to the terror, that grips me when I see my classmates. My friends. People I trusted, who I fought alongside, for who I cared about. People I would have sacrificed myself for. They all betrayed me. And I feel close to tears. When I want to turn away, I hear a voice that almost brings me to my knees.

It's Luke.

My faithful and caring protector, my heroic love. Someone, to which I had dedicated everything. He was my life, with every single breath I took. The motivation behind my every action. The reason I wanted to survive in this cruel world. He was everything I had and everything I will ever have and in that moment it was abruptly taken from me.

I didn't have the strength to concentrate, it was as if every fiber of my body was on fire, triggered by the torment of my suffering heart. Seeing him like that, in black armor, Kronos' silver mark glittering around his neck, instead of his colorful necklace. A stoic, hostile expression on his face, his hands gripping his sword, it all hurt too much to watch.

And as I sank to the floor and covered my eyes with my hands, I was still forced to listen. I couldn't understand why he was saying such things.

"With every day he becomes stronger, with every participation in our army, we become stronger. Everything is planned, the camp is weak. Just like all of its residents. The surprise is on our side, because we will show no mercy. We will kill anyone, who does not confess to us. Do you hear me? No hostages will be taken. Only Hades population will be expanded."

The screams around me are so loud, so angry and horrific that I feel tears running down my cheeks.

I don't want to see any of that. The person infront of me is not my Luke.

A kind of fog creeps around me and I feel cold, it seems too late to forget it now. When I notice the golden coffin and Lukes hunched posture, the scar on the side of his face, I realize he is praying to him.

To the fall of Olympus. Kronos.

I want to cry, to scream, to be angry - but I just feel like every part of my heart is breaking and will never be whole again. Luke will never again be the one to heal it.

My consciousness leaves the ship until I finally wake up, but I can't move at first. I feel lost, my muscles are stiff and after a few seconds I notice that I'm shaking. But it's not because I'm cold, the summer air is wafting in the air.

Such dreams are rare, but are like the own scary predictions of the future.

And then it comes all back so me, the memories, that have just turned my whole life upside down. Traitor. The word appears in my mind, I feel like I almost can't breathe. And then there is a finger on my cheek, gently stroking the skin and my chest immediately becomes warm.

I know this gesture.

When I open my eyes, I see his loving eyes and the smile that covers his mouth makes my heart clench in sorrow.

It was just a nightmare. Luke would never betray me.

But the whispers in my head say otherwise.

As we continue to look at each other in silent, I notice his furrowed eyebrows.

"What's wrong, my love? Did you have a nightmare? You look scared. Don't be afraid, I'm here. I will always protect you." His voice is so calm, so usual loving and it makes the butterflies in my stomach fly around like crazy.

He is so beautiful.

As he briefly turns his head to tighten the blanket around me, I see his side profile and the scar. Reminders of my dream crash onto me like a lightning strike from Zeus himself.

I sat up abruptly. Luke is a servant of our enemy. How could I ignore that? I feel like I'm almost starting to hyperventilate. The thought, this nightmare, Luke's appearance, this evil feeling - it makes me sick. And I'm suddenly so afraid, more than I have ever been in my life. But I can't tell if it's the fact that I just found out he joined Cronos' army or that he broke my heart doing so.

I see him tense, my panic seems to be affecting him too.

My thoughts are so confusing, I don't know what to do, I have to tell someone. I have to-

His hands find their way to my cheeks, cupping them gently to direct his gaze towards himself. I would have preferred not to look at him, but I have no choice. His eyes search mine.

Then, as if the weight of Atlas punishment was put on his shoulders, he lowers them. His lips tremble slightly and his eyes look at me, as if I am the most valuable thing in the world and he is about to lose it.

"You know it." He doesn't have to say what he means by that. We both know.

I want to break away from him, but he won't let me. He's always been much stronger.

But everything still feels so different, light surrounds us and I can't really feel my body.

"Listen to me, please. I can explain it. Please-" The world goes silent, before he can finish his sentence.

It is too much.

I stifle a scream. I want to jump out of bed, but his hands hold me close. I only manage to fall to the ground, breathing heavily, but his arms are much stronger and I'm still weakened by my dream. He trys to hold me in a position, so that his back hugs me. His hands grab mine and one of them covers my mouth to silence me, when I want to scream for help.

With any other person, I would have known what to do. With anyone but him, I could have defended myself without any problems. But it wasn't just anyone and what he had done to me, the betrayal he had committed, was nothing I could handle.

I tried to wriggle out of his grip, to kick him, but the more I cried and the more hysterical I became, the easier it was for him to have control over me.

And for the first time, it scared me.

"Please calm down, I have to explain it to you- you have to know, that I never wanted to deceive you, please-" I notice how his voice is failing and he has to pull himself together, to not to lose his composure.

When I shake his hand away and want to yell again, he grabs my neck with such a warning force, that no sound escapes me.

I tremble in his hold. Tears stream down my cheeks and I literally feel my heart breaking.

Then he starts whispering in my ear and his grip feels like a tragic prison.

"Nobody can know. I never wanted you to find out. Not until I convinced you, that it is the right thing to join him. Because he will win, sweetheart. I want us to win by his side." His voice sounds so confident and at the same time, as if he was a completely different person.

Tears continue running down my face and he slightly let's go of me, so he can comfort me.

"If you would just listen to me, you will understand my actions. Please, just listen to me-" but the world blurs infront of my eyes and I am only able to whisper three words, before darkness surrounds me.

"You betrayed me."

⚔️⚔️⚔️⚔️

When I wake up, my head hurts so much, that it takes me several minutes to open my eyes. When I finally do it, I almost have a heart attack.

I recognize the similarity of this room from my dream. When I stand up, I run to the round window and look out, being only able to see the blue sea. Feeling empty and alone.

When I want to step out the door, I expect it to be locked. But instead the handle turns and I step out of the room. I'm so surprised about that, that I'm acting without thinking twice.

As I walk around the next corner, the deck creaks and I see an ugly creature in front of me, that makes every instinct to escape kick in.

I run in the other direction, but every turn makes me more desperate and, without any consideration, I run into the hall, I was so afraid of.

It is filled with all kinds of ciders, and I also see the figures of my classmates, wounded and unhappy.

It's all so overwhelming, that I dont even see him standing on the podium, in the first place.

But as the monsters try to grab me, his voice echoes through the room with an affable authority.

"Nobody touches her. You hear me? Nobody. She is under my protection." I almost freeze into a stature, as he comes towards me and I have no way of avoiding him. No weapon is within my reach, his eyes notice my growing panic.

"Everyone leaves the room. Now." Nobody discusses it, even if some roll their eyes or quietly protest. His authority is unquestioned, it sends a cold shiver down my spine.

When the last doors slam shut, we stand a few meters opposite each other.

"The doors are guarded." It's the first thing he says.

When he tries to approach me, I lose my nerves and run to the corner with the broken glass, that I saw in my dream. I take them in my hands.

I see his eyes widen and he stops in his tracks.

"You- you want to fight me?" He actually sounds surprised and sad. Like I was the one who betrayed him and not the other way around.

"Don't come any closer. I may not have been able to do anything last time, but if you take one step closer then-" I don't know what to say. In no scenario did I ever think, I would have to threaten him.

But despite my warning, he comes towards me with his hands raised, the panic within me so palpable, that I can feel every muscle in my body.

I dodge, when he is only a few meters in front of me. Right into the next corner. As far away from him as possible.

"Princess, you can't keep me away forever. I've always loved that about you. You need me as much as you need to breathe."

It's supposed to sound sweet, but his words make me feel sick

"I'd rather suffocate." He didn't expect that. My words hit him so unexpectedly that he is almost speechless. Almost.

"I won't hurt you. You just have to let me get to you and I'll show you everything. You will understand, believe me." He really thinks, I'll just stay by his side and let him explain.

"Are you crazy? You're a traitor, Luke. You- you betrayed everyone. You betrayed me. How could you do this?" I suppress my tears, because that's exactly what he's waiting for. That my defense becomes weaker. I can't allow this.

"You dont understand. I always told you I would protect you. And I can only do that, if I'm on the winning side. And I am now. We are." His eyes flash with a craziness that makes me tremble. I don't recognize him.

"Why are you acting this way? You are doing the wrong thing - you give up everything. You're giving up on us." Tears leave my eyes and I see him take a few steps in my direction.

"I'm doing the right thing for us. You'll see. You just have to trust me, please. You know I always win. With the power he gives me, I will be invincible. You don't have to worry about one of us dying in this war anymore." I can't move, even if I wanted to, I wouldn't have a way out now. He's too close.

"You are wrong. I would rather die in this war than join this monster and his deceitful army." The shards in my hand hurt, but I don't let them go. They're the only thing I can use to defend myself.

"You would leave me?" His eyes are staring into my soul.

"Would you fight me?" Every word is more intimidating.

"Would you stop loving me?" His words are like his own shards, leaving deep wounds in my heart.

He's standing right in front of me now, looking at me like I'm fragile.

Then he whispers "Would you kill me?"

In the next second, he suddenly has my hands in his, making me drop the glass. Be is only a few centimeters away from me now, his eyes are looking into my own.

"Would you, princess? Then show me." Suddenly he does something, I would have never expected. He takes out his sword and puts it in my hands.

His own hands go behind his back, his eyes tempting me. I feel all the blood in my body drain.

"Do it. I can't live in a world, where you don't love me anymore. In which you are no longer by my side. I am yours. That will never change, just like my love for you."

I can barely hold the sword, it's so wobbly in my hands. He stands in front of me and gives me every chance to defeat him. But I can't move.

It's quiet for a moment, then I see new hope in his eyes and when he speaks again, the tone of his voice melts my heart.

"What did you say a few months ago, you would always let me win? Let's win together this time. Please, just listen to me." His hand strokes my cheek. Wipes away the tears.

Then he drops his hand and grasps his sword, letting it fall to the ground.

He takes my hand instead.

"Follow me." He pulls me behind him, closer and closer to the golden coffin, it's like I'm in a trance, but when I finally feel the cold aura of something cruel, I'm able to think clearly again.

"No-" I don't want to be one step closer to this thing.

He turns around so quickly, that I can only slap his cheek, before he grabs me again.

"That was for kidnapping me. Let me go now!" I want to avoid his grasp. But again he does something I don't expect.

He holds me still, catches my gaze and then, kisses me so gently that the feeling alone makes me almost completely defenseless. His hands cup my cheeks, grip my hair, hold my body.

This is probably his worst trick. I've never been able to resist one of his kisses. And he knows that. He uses it against me.

Then he murmurs words against my lips, that barely reach my ears.

My heart is pounding in my throat.

"You feel this? We belong together. It is not written anywhere on which side we need to be. As long as we are together." His fingers stroke my lower lip, his figure towers over me and for a moment my surroundings fade. It's almost like always.

But he's not wearing his orange t-shirt, his expression isn't relaxed, and I don't hear any insults from the camp members in the distance.

"You're manipulating me." I am powerless against him. I thought we were on the same team, that no one had more power over the other one. But I was so wrong.

His eyebrows furrow again, and when his hands try to pull me against him, I hit his chest, without thinking, with the only piece of glass I hid in my pocket. But unlike I expected, nothing happens. The shard bounces off his skin and falls loudly to the ground. I can only stare at him in disbelief.

"How-" He just looks at me worried, no anger is visible in his eyes.

"You can't hurt me. I have the curse of Achilles upon me." I suddenly become aware of the effect the lake Styx in the underworld hast and I almost fall to the ground at the realization, my knees weaken.

"That was a test earlier. You wanted to see if I would kill you-" my voice fails.

He just looks at me sadly and smiles in regret. My heart becomes heavy.

"And I knew you wouldn't hurt me on purpose. You would never hurt someone you love. Not if you'd kill me in the process." What can I do? He knows me better than anyone, he can see right through my every thought.

"I can't do this, Luke. I-I can't be together with you, if you are like this." I'm serious, but he doesn't believe me.

"That's what you think, but it's a lie. The sooner you admit it to yourself, the more pain you avoid. Our souls are linked together, without me you are not able to live. I know, that you will continue to love me, no matter what I decide to do. That's how much you love me. You would rather die than not loving me."

I can't listen to him. I can't.

But his eyes are like all the promises in the world. He is my world. How could I ever forget that?

"Please come back with me, Luke. I-I won't tell anyone, but please. Let's go, let's forget everything, please-" I cant deal with this anymore. It's like he's draining all the energy out of me. More with every word, that leaves his lips.

"I can not do that. It will stay the way it is now. Don't fight against me, fight with me. You are so smart and loyal, you will be convinced. He will show you." His eyes now flash with something that frightens me. I see his hunger for power, something that has always been dormant within him.

"Luke, the only thing I ever really wanted was you. No power, no war, no prosperity. Only you. But I'm about to lose you. Don´t do this to me, I beg you." My hands find his face, stroke the skin and I look into his eyes. But they are no longer the same ones I fell in love with.

I never thought he would love having power more than he loves me. It breaks my heart.

"I have decided. Nothing will change about that. Not even your pleadings. I'm sorry." His eyes reflect my desperation.

"What's holding you back? All you need is me." He says it so confident, that I almost wonder, why I don´t agree with him.

But my conscience has always been my greatest strength.

"I won't betray them. I couldn't live with myself, if I did." He takes a step back.

"But you could live without me? You would rather be by Jackson's side than mine?" His words hurt me. But he speaks the truth.

"I love you Luke, more than I ever thought was possible. But just as you put power before me, I put loyalty first. And I'm not sorry about that."

Frustration finally seeps through his perfect facade. I wonder how long he's been playing with me. The thought of it makes everything inside me tighten.

"I am not letting you go. Our fate is set. You will recognize it too and when that happens, you will be on my side."

His conviction frightens me, but this time it doesn't freeze me into a statue. Now, I'm running away.

And luckely, he didn't expect that.

For a few minutes now I've noticed one of the windows, that doesn't look very stable. I just have to jump against it to open it.

"NO!" Luke's voice echoes across the room, loud and warning, but it doesn't stop me. Before he can catch up with me, I jump towards the window, my shoulder hurts, but I was right, it breaks.

But I didn't think about the height difference and I realize it might be too late to do something about it now.

As I try to hold on to the wall outside, two thoughts repeat in my mind.

Either I die or I'm trapped.

Then I hear Luke's voice. He sounds desperate and at the same time angry, like I have never heard him before.

The wall is slippery and it takes every bit of strength in me not to fall, I know it would be my death. I hold on to the broken wall.

"She is outside. Get her back, NOW!" My muscles hurt and I don't know what to do. Then I hear the loud beating of wings. Before I can see who it is, I hear Percy's quiet voice. I feel like crying.

"Drop down, I've got you." I have to trust him. So, I let myself fall without thinking.

Then I feel myself landing on something soft, I hold on to it and my knuckles turn white.

The screams and shouts of the monsters make me tremble, I just want to get out of here. Even if it means, that I perhaps will never see Luke again.

"Come on, now. They'll be here soon." As the wings of the Pegasus move towards the sky, towards freedom, I let the tears fall. The wind is beating around my ears and I can only see in the corner of my eyes that we are getting closer to the clouds.

"I'll find you!"

Luke's threatening voice is the last thing I remember as I close my eyes from the grief of leaving him.

[dreamysturniolo57]

Night Driving - Matt Sturniolo

Pairing: Matt Sturniolo x reader

Summary: You got drunk on a party so Matt drives you home. He pulls over because you are arguing, and then it takes a completely different direction.

Warnings: swearing / p in v

Blue text: Matt

Red text: reader

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

I'm not going anywhere. -I said and stopped.

We are going home, right now. You are drunk Y/N! -he said and held my wrist.

No! -I objected, but he suddenly bent down and grabbed me and put me on his shoulder like a bag.

Put me down!! -i shouted. He walked out to his car and put me in it. I got really mad at him. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and I was waiting for him to get in the car.

I'm gonna take you home, okay? -he said and started the car.

I really hate you. -I said and looked out of the window.

He is the only reason I got drunk tonight. I couldn't take it anymore. He can't see my feelings and it's driving me crazy. Ever since we met I saw him in a different way. Nick and Chris they are like my brothers and best friends. But Matt... Matthew Sturniolo was the only one and the boy who owned my heart.

No you don't. You are just drunk. You should be glad that I came for you. -he muttered. I rolled my eyes and looked at him.

No one asked you to! You are not my father to scold me! -I said and laid back on the seat and crossed my arms again. -I wish I never met you. -i whispered but he heard it well enough. Suddenly he pulled over and stopped the car.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Huh? You got drunk even though you are eighteen years old. You behaved irresponsibly and for god's sake what the hell are you wearing? Almost your panties are showing! -he completely freaked out. I was burning inside how hot he looked. I had to press my legs.

Why do you care what i'm wearing? It's none of your business and I do what I want to! -I said looking in his eyes.

Sure, but not when you're sitting naked in my car. -he mumbled then turned his head for a moment and took a deep breath.

I'm not naked! What would you do if i were? -I asked angrily.

Okay. This leads nowhere. -he sighed and ran through his hair with his fingers. -Put this on. -he said and pulled his jumper over his head.

I'm good thanks. -i smiled mockingly and he sighed again and threw it on the backseat.

Why didn't Chris come for me...-I muttered this time.

Because i'm the only one who can drive. Sorry for being worried about you and not your love. -when he said that i realized maybe i went too far this time.

He's not my love you idiot. Why can't you see...-I groaned and buried my face in my hands.

See what? -he asked. -Did anyone get you upset at that party? -he asked and looked at me.

No Matthew. -I said almost shouting.

Then tell me. What's wrong? -his voice softened and he faced me.

You really want to know? -I asked him. My heart was racing. He nodded and i thought now or never. I kicked my shoes and carefully climbed over to him and sat on his lap.

What are you doing? -he asked and his eyes widened. I grabbed on his hand and put it on my chest right where my heart was.

Can you feel it? -I asked and looked in his beautiful blue eyes.

Yes. -he answered.

It beats just for you. -I said. He closed his eyes and sighed.

Come on Y/N. Don't play. -he said and took his hand.

Okay. You don't believe me? Then...-I started and grabbed his hand again and I led it down to my panties. It was no longer dry. A shaky sigh left his mouth.

Why are you doing this to me? -he asked and he groaned.

That's not my fault. You have to choose. Either you fuck me or I have to touch myself. -i said leaning closely to his ear. He grabbed my waist and pressed his hands on it. I shrugged, then licked my fingers and led them down to my panties.

Stop it! -he grumbled. Suddenly he grabbed my hair and kissed me. I couldn't believe it. I moaned in his mouth and put my hands around his neck. He moved the seat back to give me more space then he wrinkled my dress and put his palms on my butt and grabbed it.

Fuck it I can't resist you. -he whispered on my lips between two kisses. I started moving my hips and i could feel it he was already hard.

Good. That was my goal. -i said and pulled his hair. He smoothed my back up and down and then gently pushed the thin straps off my shoulders. I smiled and he immidiately kissed my shoulder up to my collarbone. Then he attacked my neck and sucked it. I couldn't stop sighing. Suddenly i felt his fingers smoothed my center.

Matt...-I started.

Yeah? -he asked not breaking the contact with my neck.

Don't tease me. Please. -i asked. I was out of my mind. Totally.

As you wish sweetheart. -He said. I unbuttoned his pants and I pulled down his underpants as much as I could. Finally his cock showed and he was so hard. He pushed my panties aside and helped me to sit on him. We both moaned loudly and i pressed my lips because i had to take his lenght. I wasn't a virgin but i only did it once.

You are so tight oh my...-he said and he pressed his head against the backrest.

I can barely take you. -i said and smirked. I started moving and he held my waist. My body was burning and shaking. This was all I ever wanted. Him.

You're doing so good. -he groaned and kissed me. I happily accepted his lips and caressed his neck.

M-matt...-I leaned back and i could barely held my moans back. -It was never Chris. You were always the one and you always will be. I wanna be yours. -I said while my forhead was against his.

You serious?. -he asked. I just nodded and bit my lip putting my hands on his shoulders. -I'm sorry for everything. It drove me crazy seeing how you and Chris get along so well and I just... -he couldn't finish it because i cut him off.

Matt I forgive you but now please shut up! -I said and burried my face in his neck. I could feel he was smiling. Then he groaned and hissed when I moved faster.

I'm close. -i moaned my face still burried in his neck.

Let it go baby. -he said. He thursted deeper and deeper and I wasn't slowing down. My stomach waved and the knot became tighter. He groaned when I started squeezing around him. I couldn't hold back anymore. I let out a big moan and my body was shaking. I felt when he filled me up with his seeds. I tried to normalize my breathing and looked at him.

You were amazing. I...-he sighed.

I tried my best. -I said and smiled at him.

I love you. -he told me while he looked in my eyes deeply. My heart skipped a beat and I think I was in another universe.

I love you too Matthew Sturniolo.

[myfairkatiecat]

Compare your Keefe boy to a song, BUT it can't be Olivia Rodrigo or Taylor Swift >:)

OOOOHHH THIS IS DIFFICULT BUT I CAN DO THIS

all the things she said by tATu!!!

Gonna paste the lyrics here:

All the things she said

All the things she said

Running through my head

Running through my head

Running through my head

All the things she said

All the things she said

Running through my head

Running through my head

All the things she said (all the things she said)

This is not enough (enough, enough, enough)

^^that’s the chorus, and I think it’s about the things his mother said to him growing up, prepping him to have a “legacy,” making him wonder what things might be like if she actually loved him….

I'm in serious shit, I feel totally lost

If I'm asking for help it's only because

Being with you has opened my eyes

Could I ever believe such a perfect surprise?

^^keefe doesn’t ask for help. He hides behind jokes and runs away when his defenses fall. But with sophie… she’s special to him. And he’s less afraid to ask for help.

I keep asking myself, wondering how

I keep closing my eyes but I can't block you out

Want to fly to a place where it's just you and me

Nobody else, so we can be free

Nobody else, so we can be free

^^keefe reveals in stellarlune that he tried to ignore Sophie’s telepathic message after he ran away to keep himself from thinking of her and wanting to come home. He doesn’t want to face his reality, but he doesn’t want to be away from sophie either 😭

And I'm all mixed up, feeling cornered and rushed

They say it's my fault but I want her so much

Want to fly her away where the sun and rain

Come in over my face, wash away all the shame

^^Keefe has a lot of things that are his fault. If you’ve seen me post about him, you know he’s screwed up. Big time. And a lot. And of course he cares, he cares, he cares about sophie so so so much and he wishes he could have her but during his time in the forbidden cities he doesn’t think he CAN have her because she has Fitz and he wants her to be happy. He wishes he and sophie could live in this perfect world where he hadn’t hurt her and all his friends and himself. In unlocked, he even refers to the issue with the caches as “the one betrayal he couldn’t seem to fix”—Keefe is trying so hard. But too often, it isn’t enough.

When they stop and stare, don't worry me

'Cause I'm feeling for her what she's feeling for me

I can try to pretend, I can try to forget

But it's driving me mad, going out of my head

^^Keefe knows, since he is an empath, that Sophie’s emotions are torn regarding romance, even before SHE knows it. He tries to not worry about he, he tells himself he wants her to be happy with Fitz, but he knows she has feelings for her because he can feel them and in his nightfall short story he agrees with Ro that it drives him crazy—but he wants sophie to have whatever she wants. (Good thing in stellarlune she realizes she wants him so they can have their happy ending.)

Mother looking at me

Tell me what do you see?

Yes, I've lost my mind

Daddy looking at me

Will I ever be free?

Have I crossed the line?

^^if you haven’t realized by now, KEEFE’S PARENTS ARE THE WORST. His father is abusive and neglectful. His mother is a villain who only wants to use him to her own ends. And he feels as though he’ll never be free of them, either of them, always… and his mother tells him, all the time, to “embrace the change,” to “fulfill his legacy,” and he doesn’t want to be changed by his mom and he’s grieving the mother he thought he knew who wasn’t a good parent but wasn’t THIS either… and he does wonder sometimes. Has he crossed the line? Is this the betrayal he WON’T be able to fix? How many times will sophie forgive him? How many times will the thing he is SURE is right turn out to actually be wrong?

All the things she said

All the things she said

Running through my head

Running through my head

Running through my head

THANK YOU FOR THIS ASK SOPHIE!!! This was so much fun—and now I’m having Keefe feelings!! (But then, when am I not?)

[kylianswifey]

Car Accident - Kylian Mbappe x Reader

The reader and Kylian get in a car accident on their way home and it results in one of them being badly injured. ______________________________ Kylian's POV: "..and we all burst out laughing, it was so funny, baby" Y/N was telling a story our friend told at the party while I was in the bathroom. "She is just crazy. She's always been like that" I chuckle. "I know." she said but suddenly stopped talking and looked at the road. I was driving a little fast, but I wanted to be home as soon as possible because I had training tomorrow and I was so tired. Y/N gets very uncomfortable when I drive fast, but I think she's gotten used to it by now, she trusts me. "Ky, can you slow down, baby?" I place my hand on her thigh, still keeping my eyes on the road. I give her a little squeeze as a form of comfort. "It's okay, honey. Don't worry, relax." she didn't seem convinced but still decided to not argue any further. What happened next was the reason I regret not listening to her begs for me to slow down. Everything happened in a blink of an eye. I drove through an intersection and a car going full speed crashed into us, on Y/N side. Our car dragged across the road and finally crashed into a road barrier. I was dizzy. I was still in shock, I couldn't tell what happened. It all came to me when I took a look at Y/N. My heart dropped. She was covered in blood and was half awake. I moved my arms to reach out to her and I felt a sharp pain on my chest, but I didn't care. I only cared about her. It was my fault, everything was my fault. She looked panicked and in a lot of pain. "Y/N?" I reach out to her slowly and I touch her wet cheeks. She looked at me and started screaming in pain. "Kylian...Kylian, oh, my god, I'm in so much pain..aghh" I felt so weak, I wanted to kill myself right there. I tried my best to make her stay still. I reached for my phone and called 911. "Y/N, baby. It's going to be okay, stay still, please. Calm down, it's okay." she wasn't even listening to me. She just kept her eyes shut and yelped in pain. "Kylian, I don't want to die, please..." "No, no, no, no, you're not going to die, Y/N. We're both going to be okay. This will pass, I just need you to be strong, please." I felt my cheeks getting wet from my tears. This was a heartbreaking sight for me. The woman I love is in this horrible state because of me and I can't do anything to make her feel better. She kept squeezing my hand and yelping in pain. I ran my hand through her blood stained hair and said comforting words to her, hoping it would calm her down. "Shh..Shh... It's almost over, baby. The help is on the way, keep holding on." She stopped for a second and quickly turned her head to look at me. "Oh, my god. Kylian, are YOU okay? Are you hurt? You're bleeding from your arm-" I couldn't believe she cared about me in those moments, I was the reason we were in this state. "No, I'm okay. I'm okay, don't worry about me, please. I'm so so so sorry, honey. I'm sorry I put you through this." she shook her head, disagreeing with my statement. She was trying to not blame me for this. She rested her head back on the damaged head restraint. I looked at her, trying the keep her awake just like the paramedics on the phone told me to. I forgot about my own pain at all when I saw her drifting to sleep. I shook her head lightly. "No..no..no, Y/N, baby? You have to stay awake, okay?" "I can't keep my eyes open anymore, Ky." "Y/N, yes, you can. Look at me, tell me something." She couldn't even talk before she closed her eyes fully, not even listening to my words. "Y/N? Y/N? COME ON, BABY... OPEN YOUR EYES" I heard the sirens outside. An ambulance approached us and the paramedics rushed to her side. They took her and put her on the stretcher, carrying her inside the ambulance. A paramedic approached me. "Sir, you need to get checked out too." "No, I'm fine. I'm going with her." "Sir, plea-" "I SAID I'M FINE, PLEASE."

I rushed inside the ambulance and sat next to my girlfriend's side. I held her fragile hand in mine and cried hard. I was supposed to keep her safe, not put her through this. I felt so ashamed of my actions. She was still unconscious. I felt a paramedic's hand on my shoulder. He looked at me and give me a squeeze on the shoulder. "She's going to be okay. Her injuries don't seem life threatening. She will be okay." I felt a little relieved after he said that. Earlier, Y/N's words about not wanting to die made me go crazy. We reached the hospital and they took her in. Finally, a nurse convinced me to get checked out too. It took 20 minutes before they let me go and I rushed to the entrance of the room they took her in and sat on the hospital chair. After what felt like an eternity, a doctor came out. I stood up quickly and rushed to him. "How is Y/N?" "She isn't in any serious danger. She has a broken arm, bruises and a mild concussion. It will take some time for her to heal, but she won't have any permanent damages. She's resting right now, you can go inside if you want." "Thank you so much, doctor." I shook his hand and went inside. My beautiful girlfriend was sleeping peacefully on the bed. Her cuts and bruises looked less bloody and her arm was in a cast. I sat on the chair next to her bed and took her hand in mine. I felt like the luckiest guy in the world. She was okay, but I could've lost her tonight. I felt so blessed having her with me. However, no matter what, I still felt shame. She shouldn't have been here. She should've been at home, laying on the bed with me, cuddling, making love. I didn't notice I had fallen asleep on the chair when a sudden movement woke me up from my nap. I looked at Y/N who was slowly opening her eyes. She looked around the room and landed her eyes on me. She gave me a small smile and closed her eyes again. She was tired, of course. "Y/N, baby. You're at he hospital. Everything is okay, you're not in any danger, but don't tire yourself, we will talk later, okay?" She gave me a nod and held my hand. She was trying to say something. "Ky, it's not your fault. I love you. I'm okay."

[mswritingthings]

Dialogue Prompt Superlist 1

"I think you need new suits boys. Most FBI agents don't run around with vamp blood on their suits."

"We have all tried saving everyone, and it doesn't work. At some point, we all have to accept that."

"Hunters, always thinking with their blades."

"So, you ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?" "You're not the devil."

"Take this, it'll protect you when I can't."

"Cute car." "Excuse you, but she is more than just cute."

"If I wanted to spend my life hunched over books and research, I would have gone to college."

"You're reckless." "Aren't we all?"

"Don't let the black eyes fool you, I'm very gentle."

"There are always issues in covens. That's why I practice on my own."

"I feel like a doomsday prepper down here." "It's the only place you're safe right now, so stop complaining."

"I'll kick your ass you tall son of a bitch."

"Just because I'm not a Winchester doesn't mean I'm clueless jackass."

"Maybe if you guys weren't so selfless, all your solutions wouldn't be to sacrifice yourselves for the good of mankind."

"If you think that I'm giving up Hell that easily, you are stupider than everyone says you are."

"This isn't fair, you know I can't say no to you."

"I know it's late, but do you think you can come over?"

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't think you were hot."

"It's not like we're exclusive."

"They say they're just friends." "We are!"

"Friends don't look at each other like that."

"For this bit of time, you are allowed to be obsessed with me, I won't blame you."

"There are easier places to sneak off to than this."

"It's not fair, you call my name and I Can't help but run off to you."

"Let's face it, we stopped being just friends the night we slept together."

"Careful, that one's a tease."

"I don't want us to be anything more than what we already are."

"It's casual sex. That's all, I swear."

"Your date is an idiot, but I'll have to thank them."

"IT's not a date, but I do have a bottle of wine and some lingerie that I'd hate to let go to waste."

"When it comes down to the wire, they'll have my back."

"I trust you." "Thank you."

"It's not a good plan, but it's a plan."

"I let you down once before, I won't do it again."

"If we're gonna win, we need to work together."

"I thought you hated each other." "Things change."

"That is it: the big one."

"I'm gonna fight until I can't fight anymore."

"People like us, they go down swinging."

"Drop your weapons... All of them."

"Nobody comes into my home and threatens me."

"I'm not doing this out of revenge, I'm doing this because it's the right thing to do."

"That was one hell of a fight." "Yeah, I've got the scars to prove it."

"I know that look in your eye because I've felt that pain too."

"We didn't lose, we just have to try again."

"We take care of each other, that's how it's always been."

"Somewhere along the line, I fell in love with you."

"It's not an ideal situation, but we can make it work."

"I'm here if you need to talk to someone."

"That wasn't your fault, not really."

"It's okay, let it out."

"If I ever let anything happen to you, I'd never forgive myself."

"All I wanted was to hear you say that you were sorry."

"You can't ask me to do that. You know I won't."

"Leave, just get out of here."

"Someone around here has got to keep you safe."

"I thought you hated me." "No, never."

"Tell me it's going to be okay, even if it isn't." "It's okay."

"Stuff like this, it takes time to get better."

"I meant it when I said I was going to do everything I can to earn your trust back."

"Shh, relax and close your eyes, just let yourself feel it."

"It feels good baby, doesn't it?"

"That's it, open your legs for me like a good girl."

"Use your words. Tell me what you want."

"Don't cum yet, wait and it'll feel so much better."

"I think you can push yourself a little harder. Come on, try for me."

"You are such a pretty little thing on your knees for me. I'm so proud of you."

"All of those noises you make when I'm in between your legs, it drives me crazy just thinking about them."

"Come here, it's okay. Let me hold you."

"I suppose you've been behaving yourself long enough to deserve a reward."

"Calm down, I would really hate to punish you."

"Do you want more?" "Please."

"You've taken good care of me, now let me take care of you."

"You like being pampered like this, don't you?"

"Please don't turn away from me, I want to see you."

"Shh, it's okay. I've got you."

"Breathe with me. Come on, in... and out, that's it."

"You don't have to hide your tears from me."

"Everybody needs a break sometimes, I get it."

"Crying doesn't make you weak."

"Please be careful, I don't want to see you hurt yourself."

"I shouldn't feel ashamed about needing help sometimes."

"I can't be everything to everyone."

"This isn't my safe space, you are."

"You really scared me back there." "I'm sorry."

"Can you just hold me for a couple minutes?"

"There's a lot to live for when you let yourself enjoy life."

"You don't have to be strong all the time, not with me."

"I don't know what I'd do without you." "You won't have to."

"I feel like I've worked so hard for so long and have nothing to show for it."

"I'm not saying this is illegal, but how okay are you with having a misdemeanor?"

"You are so lucky that you're cute."

"Come on, it's not even that big of an ask."

"There are certain things you only do for someone you've known for a long time."

"I never said I liked you." "But you didn't say you don't."

"Careful! You're gonna get us killed driving like that."

"You're being dramatic."

"Okay, you pump the gas and I'll get the snacks."

"No wonder you never made the team, what kind of throw was that?"

"What the hell is this?" "So nice of you to join us, take your seat."

"You look like you came from a boy band audition."

"I think I'm funny." "Of course you do."

"Look, this might not even be that big of a mess to clean up."

"If I die doing this, I am so haunting your ass."

"What was that?" "My cue to never let you watch Paranormal Activity again."

[aintitfierce]

GET TO KNOW YOUR ADMIN !!

NAME -- masha

PRONOUNS -- she/her, but they/them or it/its could be nice. i won't kick up a fuss to he/him, either, but it does give me a brief pause

PREFERRED COMMS -- lies down probably IMs here, unfortunately. i have 'not getting out of this chair-itis' rip also my computer (not the laptop) is like 15 years old and dying a slow death so i can't open more than a single tab and maybe my pictures folder without everything slowing to the speed of molasses on a cold day

HOWEVER, i have gotten over myself a little bit and i do have an active discord now. so i've been thinking about moving some stuff there

NAME OF MUSE -- vanya, but he prefers pretty vanya or anything similarly Fawning. he has a noticeable, unexplained fondness for being referred to as the nondescript 'creature' as well

EXPERIENCE IN RP -- my first experience with RP was in the gaiaonline forums as a teenager lmAO. i used to scrounge around in the forums for any literary magical school-based RPs. then i kinda fell away from it once i left the site. i didn't pick it back up again until after i'd been on tumblr for a few months in 2013-2014 or so, stumbled into the kung fu panda fandom and made a friend who got me into RPing canon characters through skype ghfhiieo then i opened up an ask blog in june 2014 which very quickly morphed into just a RP blog instead and the rest is history

BEST EXPERIENCES -- back on gaia i joined a roleplay which was taking place in some school for people with super powers (i was in a lot of those as u might have guessed, they were my favorites lmao). me and one other person were the only ones awake and active at one point and it was just a rapid fire interaction between our muses for a couple pages, after which we laughed at The Shenanigans bc we were pretty sure our two characters had just become the comic relief of the entire thread and wondered how the other players were going to react when they inevitably came back

honestly i just remember it being a ton of fun. that style of RP is so incredibly foreign to me now, but nostalgic

PET PEEVES / DEALBREAKERS -- i had to take a long time to think about this, and i think the number one thing that gets to me is infomodding. i very much prefer having a running tally of what our muses each know about each other and more importantly what they Don't. i wrote with someone once who would occasionally consider what they knew about my muse to be fair game for their muse to know as well, without any reasoning for how they'd know this information or when they found it out

additionally, the only other thing i can think of that does get to me pretty badly is related to pacing. like i mention below, i like interactions that feel relatively real and natural, and sometimes that means letting the conversation unfold on its own and allowing awkward silences and lulls to play out to their conclusions. it drives me a little crazy when i'm just getting comfortable in a conversational thread but my writing partner is instead evidently feeling Bored with the small talk, so they inject some drama or some other bombshell to Liven It Up and get the action rolling orz usually has killed the thread for me in the past

MUSE PREFERENCE ( FLUFF, ANGST, SMUT ) -- out of these three probably angst, but i rarely RP it bc i don't feel that i'm very good at it. also idk how Seriously people could pretty vanya angst lmao

i've done so little actual RPing with him (my own fault, tbh) that i don't really know what my preference is with him yet. him being captured by big jack bc there were rumors about him being Powerful And Rare has probably been one of my favorite interactions so far. i admittedly do enjoy writing more antagonistic interactions more than i do friendlier ones

PLOT OR MEMES -- my Natural State is that of a pantser, to be completely honest, but there's a special place in my heart for plotted threads. i do enjoy laying out the basics and then letting it go with a check-in every now and again when one of us is running out juice or Unsure about anything

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES -- either or. i'm no good at one-liners, and i struggle with novella length (condensing my partner's response into something i can reply to while being careful to keep the story Moving takes a lot of brainpower for me). i do however love replies and threads and partners, perhaps, who are okay with letting some parts of the conversation Drop and potentially come back into play later. i like that sense of continuity, where it feels like a real or natural interaction two people might have with lulls in the conversation and callbacks

BEST TIME TO WRITE -- at this point i have no clue wheezes

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE? -- lord i hope not lmao

[this-is-where-i-hide-my-bullshit]

I keep thinking your profile picture is rarity from my little pony I’m so sorry

Ha! I can understand that, it's definitely the color schemes fault.

It's actually this leathermouth Frank that I drew almost exactly one year ago, it's birthday is in 4 days!

It didn't get many notes but it's still one of my personal favorite things I've ever drawn :)

I was in a bad headspace about my art when I drew this and it was the first drawing I had done in MONTHS that I really liked and enjoyed working on, so it's important to me.

Sometimes when I'm getting too in my own head worrying about if my art's good enough or I'm driving myself crazy trying to over perfect my work I remember this drawing and how much better it feels to have fun drawing instead of stressing about the final product meeting the unfair standards that I set for myself.

I made it my profile picture so that I see it whenever I'm uploading my art as a reminder that my art only needs to be important to ME in order to be worth making, and that even if it doesn't get notes it's still valuable because I enjoyed making it.

[sierraluvzcodyy]

Ermm....

Ok so second post of the day woop woop but anyways UHM..

CODY?

I was observing his private twitter (don't ask how I got it that's besides the point) AND HE WAS TALKING ABOUT HAVING A CRUSH ON SOMEONE? AND APPARENTLY THAT SOMEONE WAS A HE? ERM....

I'm going to start FIGHTING EVERY MALE CAST MEMBER ON TOTAL DRAMA when I'm on the set next week <3

Because Codykins is like so totally MINE yknow? lol

GUYS HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE LAUGH OR LOVE LIKE THIS?

I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GOING TO LIVE WITHOUT MY CODY BY MY SIDE </3

I mean..

as long as he's happy, right?

-

For the past year or so, Cody was the only thing that I could ever possibly care about. Everything that I did was because I thought it would make him like me more if we ever met. I learned everything that I could about him. I wanted to be able to really know him and be there for him from the start. Am I going too far? Am I doing too much? I feel like there's something wrong with me...

Lately I've felt as if I've been slowly losing interest in Cody. I don't know if any of you would get it, but I feel like losing Cody would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I'm trying my hardest to stay cody-obsessed for my own well-being and also for the sake of keeping you all happy. Like, giving up on Cody would be like giving up on living at this point. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I feel like I've lost any possible chance of getting to be with him, and that seemed to have absolutely crushed my soul. The worst part is that the obsession was my fault to begin with. I've ruined myself. If I hadn't tried my hardest to not find him completely stupid when I watched that first episode of Total Drama Island, I wouldn't be as mentally unwell as I am right now.

Then of course there's Chris. I tried my hardest to see the good in him. As you can see, this spiraled a bit too far. I started making things up in my brain to try and convince myself he was a good person. It's like I've forced myself to only view him through rose tinted glasses. I don't know how I've managed to do this to myself, but I'm slowly realizing how this has been affecting me and it's driving me crazy.

I feel like I'm oversharing.

Maybe I should get therapy lol

I'll just stop typing now before I make things worse for myself

-

Anyway, see you all in the next post!!

Sierra out!! <333

[dogfags]

blah blah journaling here bc my laptop still don't work

this week has been super stressful but my car is finally working again and it didn't cost as much as I thought. Chris and I had a little trial run of us living together bc he had to stay for a week to drive me around everywhere (bless him). praying he gets this job he just interviewed for so he can move in asap. and yes I have hangups about moving in with yet another partner after not dating for a total year but like 😭 dude idk how anybody can afford to live on their own. me and Tara can't make rent with just the 2 of us and it'd be really nice to be able to save some money. and after my car broke down I for sure couldn't afford to split the house bills 50/50. it was Tara's idea to invite Chris otherwise I never would have suggested it. and we both have our weird feelings and fears about it, to a healthy degree I'd say. I mean idk. my attitude rn is kinda like, I think I've already been through the worst it could possibly get with moving in with a partner? like there's no way it could be worse than That, even if we do break up. we have our own separate spaces also which was the only saving grace me and my ex had after we broke up so that's good. but I also just don't rly see things going so poorly. I mean idk. u never rly know somebody. but Chris just SEEMS different and has actually told me he wants to marry me and be with me forever etc. he is a more open and honest communicator than anyone else I've ever dated. won't be like my ex where he went off and binged a bunch of drugs then lied to me about it, bought a gun and brought it into our house, cheated on me, broke up w me then threatened me with suicide when I decided to move on. like actually fucking crazy person type shit. I can't believe I put up with so much in my last relationship. literally a nightmare. and I can't believe ppl were blaming ME for all that shit 😭 idfk dude. I'm so glad to be out of that situation and living my life now. as stressful as it is rn with school and work I'm still so much better off than I was. Chris is actually a huge sweetheart and shows me affection and loves me in the ways I need to be. and spends time with me. and talks to me lol. like I'm Sorry but after talking over all this with my therapist for so long I've kinda come to the conclusion that none of that shit was my fault. it sucks that some ppl got caught in the crossfire but again it wasn't my fault. I'll take ownership of going back on my word by sleeping w somebody at the house. that was shitty but also? maybe don't cheat on me and lie to me the entire relationship and I'd actually gaf 😭 he got his stupid little "revenge" for that anyway lmfao. I just fr cannot believe the shit I've been through with the awful awful people I've dated.

in an ideal world Chris and I could live on our own for a bit before we move in together but the job market is fucked, the housing market is fucked, and neither of us could rly afford to do that. sooo we just gunna have to move in together. and I was rly reluctant at first but everyone I've talked to has been super in support of it bc he's just such a good guy. plus we've been friends for a few years anyway so it's not like I started dating this stranger then he moved in. we used to talk semi regularly in college. would have hung out if I ever had time.

for a second I was worried I'm like, a bad person who does horrible things and I Have made bad choices don't get me wrong but like. I'm not evil or irredeemable. I have all these friends now who actually love me?? and I made them myself? wild. also quite literally everyone I've talked to about the past events have been like ya dude ur a victim 😭 I feel more guilty about the shit that happened w Friday than I do w my recent ex. bc some of that was objectively my fault bc I was in such a horrible manic episode I was acting crazy. they did kinda SA me but like. idk man. I'm insane sometimes.

the whole thing with that friend saying that "my stress is not their problem" kinda just. idk. idk if we will ever rly be close again. they kind of refused to apologize for anything they said to me or for screwing me over in housing. plus all the shitty posts they made about me. like idk. we talked it over irl and like kinda made up? but I still don't think she ever even said she's sorry lol. and for months I blamed myself for my ex being suicidal bc of all that. until my therapist and I went over it again and again and I've kinda just realized none of that was rly my fault. if anything staying with my ex after the first incident was my mistake. but I felt rly trapped bc we lived together. that's what is so hard about living with a partner especially when you haven't been with them super long. like idk. I have a good feeling abt Chris. I genuinely do want to spend my life with him. I never rly felt that way abt my ex. even when they were moving in I was like ya this is fine/fun for now. but I never felt like my ex was my soulmate or anything. not that I rly believe in that shit. but Chris and I just connect and get each other on a different level. it's the first time I've ever rly felt truly understood by someone.

the things I feel guilty for are more like, I feel guilty for staying with the people who hurt me even after I've already accepted in my mind that they aren't the one. and I do that bc I'm scared of being alone and scared of confronting myself and the reality that it's not a perfect love story or whatever. and my ex did try to fucking. reel me back in after we broke up and keep me there but not fully there. but I removed him from my life after I had had enough and I am proud of myself for that. I don't need someone like that in my life, even as a friend. wishing the best for u but I don't want to be there to see it. after Friday SAd me I should have just ended it but again I stayed bc I was scared. and what I feel most shame for is manically scrounging up a plan to break up without actually breaking up and then making a fool of myself by "proposing" like God that's just so embarrassing lol. but idk like my therapist said I can't fully blame myself for the decisions I make when I'm in a manic episode bc that's just straight up Not Me. like part of the diagnostic criteria for a manic episode is making choices you would not otherwise make. I'm not crazy. I was just deeply traumatized and triggered and couldn't find a way out of it. then ofc they tried to screw me over in every way possible. I make bad choices in people I date. and I look back and I'm like, but if I'm the common denominator of all these people I dated, aren't I the shitty one?? like surely I pushed these people to madness right lol like they weren't bad people they just became corrupted bc I forced them into craziness. idkkkk my therapist also says I can't look at it like that. and that people with lifelong CPTSD often end up in abusive relationships bc of trauma and patterns and shit. so. there's that

while I am wary of possibly repeating my shitty patterns I also just have a good feeling about Chris. I'm at a point in my life where I'm done dating "for fun" like I actually want to find someone to spend my life with now. and I think he could be it. like idk people are like "when u know u know" and I just Know with him. he's such a good person, basically everything I've ever wanted out of a partner. he's smart as fuck and creative and interesting and sweet and loves my friends and has a lot of his own friends and we have similar ways of thinking and want the same things out of life. same lifestyles and same plans for our futures. he's highly emotionally intelligent and I feel like he'd never lie to me. I can trust him. he's always there for me. he's very helpful and never complains about helping me. he helps without even being asked. like mans fr just did our dishes. and I KNOW THE BAR IS IN HELL but fr lmao. I was a little apprehensive at first about dating, and I'm a little apprehensive about moving in together, but my gut says this is right and will help us both out a lot financially. and emotionally tbh.

so yea those are my updates. hopefully he gets this job and then can move in in September. and then I just have 6 months of school left. it feels like I have to grind forever for the rest of my life but it won't be forever. I just gotta get through this and it'll all be worth it. blaaaghdjdnns

[ratcandy]

hey i'm talking about spider/pet death in this post and going on a bit of a ramble about it. not going into explicit details but i am talking about it and how i was feeling so. be wary

tl;dr for below is that I'm okay. It just happened very unnaturally, in a way that really sucked to watch and learn further about, and it was all very upsetting.

it's been a little over 24 hours, and I'm doing better now. Well I mean I broke out into cankersores after all the stress but outside of that I'm fine. Hoping to get the stuff together to preserve her so at least I don't lose her entirely

Actually got myself into a research rabbit hole. Because what happened just seemed so unnatural and so sudden it really didn't sit right with me. Honestly it hadn't sit right with me for about a week beforehand, because she'd been acting so strangely I just didn't think it could be normal. But finding anything about it was difficult, so I chalked it up to her losing her grip with old age and just having troubles holding onto stuff in her enclosure.

But with it gradually worsening, and how she passed, it was... No, that was not old age. I'm not going to go into detail because I still get a bit upset about it, but it's... There's just no way that's how it goes. I refuse to believe it's that agonizing. I don't think I could own a spider again if that's how it ended every time.

So after rummaging through google, reddit threads, various forums, and youtube, I figured out the most likely culprit was something called dyskinetic syndrome or DKS. Apparently it's a little understood, uncommon series of symptoms that usually leads to a spider/tarantula's death within a few days. And after finding videos of it (which I do not recommend watching if seeing animals in pain is hard for you; it's very upsetting), yeah, it was exactly how she was behaving. She had every bit of it.

What frustrates me more though is how there's no agreed upon cause. I've been wracking through my brain trying to figure out what I could have done different for her (because of course, my brain jumps to "this is my fault somehow" with anything like this) and the uncertainty about all of it is so. Frustrating. Some sources say insecticides cause it (which leaves me questioning a million different things wondering how in the world she could've got poisoned), others say it's genetic (which makes a bit more sense to me, especially seeing another story that very was similar to mine in a few other aspects), but it's like. "We don't know!!" and I'm like what do yoU MEAN you DON'T KNOW.

I'm half tempted to reach out to the spider biologist at my uni just to ask him what he knows. Because this is going to drive me crazy. Watching it happen was devastating enough, especially seeing as most spider/T owners will euthanize before its gets too bad because it's just so awful (and now I feel bad for letting it drag out as it had), and now i'm left here triply unsatisfied because I don't even know what caused it.

I can theorize forever (and I probably will) but I'll never know for sure. And it's like. What the hell, man. She deserved so much better than to go out like that

Maybe I'm way too passionate and emotional about a little jumping spider. But girl after like 3 nights straight of constantly supervising her and doing whatever I could think of to make life easier for her, and then her going out the way she had, it was like. Getting slapped in the face out of nowhere when you thought you had at least a month or two left.

Good lird. What a first experience

[aestherians]

Got a current noema! This is basically what Ben!Me is up to right now:

--------------------------

I'm trying to make things right. For too long I didn't consider what happened to the bad guys I beat up. The threats I eliminated. I didn't consider what happened to all the people - alien or human - who got imprisoned because of me.

I've learned a lot since leaving behind the Plumbers.

There is no humane way to keep a person in a cage. I know that now. The desire for freedom is one of the most basic impulses that all people have, regardless of species. If the goal of imprisonment is just to warehouse people, and restrict their freedom, for forever, then I don't see how we, the imprisoners, are any better than the ones we've imprisoned.

But still, we can't just let Vilgax the Conquerer go out and conquer again. Can't let Servantis try and assassinate me again. Can't let Albedo...

...

Albedo's all kinds of messed up. Replicating the Omnitrix is one thing - a lot of scientists have tried, I can't fault him for that - but stealing my identity? Basically handing the Omnitrix to Vilgax in a crazy attempt to...?

...?

I can't stop thinking about Albedo...

What was his goal even? He wanted his own Omnitrix, fair enough. He built it based on the original specs and it synced with mine, so we share the same default form. And he got permanently trapped as a human, unable to return to his own, true, desired Galvan body.

It's his own fault, but...

I've been so caught up in the personal offense of him trying to steal my identity, I guess I never really stopped to feel bad for him. Guy just wants to be a Galvan again. Is that so evil? Sure, he went about it in the worst way possible, by trying to steal my Omnitrix instead of just explaining the situation, but...

Being trapped in the wrong body is weird. Not distressing; not to me at least. But weird. I don't like locking the Omnitrix once I've transformed. I like going back to human within a couple minutes. The few times I've been locked in a transformation for hours or days weren't exactly comfortable.

Azmuth once told me that it's a rare gift to have, to be able to transform like that with no distress. It's a Tennyson thing, apparently. Me, Gwen, and Grandpa all have it. But Azmuth himself doesn't.

And maybe Albedo doesn't either.

To spend days, months, and years stuck in the wrong body could drive anyone to madness. No wonder all his schemes were so crazy.

--------------------------

I haven't discussed it with Rook. I'm still not ready to talk to him about any of this. I don't think he really understands why I left the Plumbers, no matter what Gwen tells me. So I avoid him, picking a time I know he's out on patrol, away from base. I explain to Blukic and Driba (the only Plumbers scatterbrained enough not to question me), that I'm gonna talk to Albedo. They aren't happy about it, but they help me anyways, throwing a few insults and Galvan slurs at him as they let me into his cell.

I hate these cells.

--------------------------

Albedo eyes me skeptically.

"Here to gloat, Ben Tennyson? Or do you perhaps require my assistance?" There's a mocking tone to his voice, like he's expecting me to ask for help. Guess I can't fault him for that. Why else would I be here?

"Not quite," I say, taking a seat on the floor, back to the wall, trying to relax while staring my nemesis in the face. He couldn't've known I was coming. It was a spontaneous decision. No time for him to prepare for it.

Then again, isn't he always plotting revenge? Or is that just my Plumber training talking? Telling me to assume everything and everyone is a potential threat?

I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

"I've been thinking-"

"Ha! An undoubtedly strenuous task for you!" He laughs, but it sounds strained. Like he's forgotten how to laugh.

It's so strange looking at him this close. A perfect mirror image of myself, if it weren't for his complete lack of melanin, the slouch, and the dark rims under his eyes, like he hasn't slept properly in years.

I ignore his insult.

"The Plumbers and Azmuth... and I... haven't done the right thing. I don't think."

He looks at me suspiciously.

"I mean, we can't let you out... Not yet, anyways," I mutter under my breath. "But I want to try and fix your situation."

"Situation..?" he wonders, slightly raising an eyebrow. My eyebrow. It's surreal. My face, my voice, even some of my mannerisms, reflected in his body.

"Yeah, ya know. This situation." I gesture vaguely at him.

"We can't have you running around looking like a bad knock-off of me," I say with the self-satisfaction I've practiced for a decade, hiding my true feelings behind a mask of overconfidence. Can't let my guard down around him. Or the Plumbers I know are listening in on our conversation.

"I wanna help you get your own body back. If you want me to, I mean."

For a second he looks stunned. Then his eyes narrow.

"What's in it for you?" His voice my voice is dripping with contempt.

"Other than finally being the only guy in the universe this handsome? Nothing. No ulterior motives." He studies me for a second, but we both know this body and its instincts intimately. He doesn't need proof. He knows I'm telling the truth.

I continue: "I'll talk to Azmuth. Convince him to fix you. We both know he's stubborn as hell, but I'll do what I can. How does that sound?"

Albedo nods hesitantly, like he still can't believe what he's hearing. "It sounds... agreeable."

"Great! Then I'm off."

I get up, signaling to Blukic and Driba that they can open the cell door again. But right as I'm about to exit, Albedo grabs my arm. My companions both reach for their blasters, and I instinctively reach for the Omnitrix, but when I meet his gaze I see nothing of the determination or malice I've come to expect from him. Just... confusion. His lip trembles and he croaks, so low I can barely hear it:

"Why?"

I shrug.

"I'm trying to make things right."

[jaynnie-jane]

What a fucking mess. I still don't know where solid ground is. Some part of me feels more comfortable with this free fall.

I guess I had been carrying the blame with me for the past 9 months. I had been holding onto this little bundle of "not good enough".

It's an easy thing for me to believe too, it took me s LOT of self work to not hate myself for not working full time. So when the ultimatum was made, at a time when through no fault of either of ours my brain twisted in and started to die... of course I decided you must be right and that I was not good enough for you.

I know it's more complex than 15k, for both of us. It always is.

The thing is, I was already working on it. Self work looks different for everyone. I know that for me though the drive for that work has to be intrinsic. When I grabbed that little ball of not good enough, made it my own by empathising and truly understanding where you were coming from I then had one more thing to untangle, one more thing to work through when I was already full up on pychological rot.

I have spent the last 7 months trying to work out where that bundle could fit, knowing every step of the way that it didn't. And it was a wriggly little bugger too! It would constantly grow or shift. And because I had to just shove it haphazardly on the pile of mess that was already there, it's been really hard to even see what was under despite knowing that pile was growing too.

That little bundle of not good enough wasn't something I could move around like I can the others. The other piles of psychological yuck are all mine and I can get them to sort of stick together and blend a bit which helps for stability in every day life. But that little bundle stacked on top was heavy and didn't want to mesh with the rest of my junk. It would roll around because it DOES have a mind of it's own because it was not mine.

Whenever that little bundle shifted and I could see my rot pile, I would check my own pile, untangle a little bit of it which just made that little bundle roll into the hole I created by working on my own issues. And the damned bundle just kept getting bigger!

It got so big and heavy and unruly that I couldn't see my own issues, I couldn't get to them. It would just bobble around whenever I moved, constantly pushing down on me, crushing my rot, getting bigger every day while the issues under kept growing.

That little bundle wasn't mine, nor was it yours. It came from the third entity and I had not realised you had been carrying it the entire time, just like you had not realised there were things from the third entity that I had taken on and decided to carry.

For the first few months after you realised the bundle wasnt yours we played hot potato with it, each time it changed hands it got bigger and more dense. But, I ran out of the strength to throw it back when it managed to get lodged in my pile of stuff that's reserved for "you are responsible for making your partner happy". I suspect that the bundle ended up there because it felt familliar, maybe it was truly your bundle to begin with but because you had been doing a lot of self work you were able to jiggle it free and recognise it. I know you never intended it to crush me. For most people it would probably roll off but my pile of "happy partner" is just a crazy magnet for stuff like that. If I'm not being dilligent with booping it's snoot, it will catch EVERYTHING even when it wasn't even thrown for it! (No! Bad muck puppy, not your problem ball. Drop it, drop iiittt. NO, NOT THERE!! Gorram it, well, I guess that's stuck in there now. Ergh, i gotta touch it... eh I will just leave it for later.)

I feel like I threw away that bundle two days ago. Two days ago I didn't try to give it back, I just made the choice not to carry it any more. The problem though is that third entity, the thing this bundle belongs to, that entity doesn't carry stuff on its own. It's more like a support pokemon that boosts it's team but for whatever reason can't hold an item. Maybe we didn't feed it properly. The second you drop third entities items it feels rejected and it runs away. Sometimes it will try to hide with one person or the other, sometimes it just runs off. Skittish little thing.

The thing I have known to be true about this year is that were I single, I would not have been entertaining the idea of looking after a relationship pokemon. Were I single I would have done a full Jj lock-down, ONLY focus on me and what I want and need. But that wasn't the case and now my shiny, super rare pokemon has been scared away.

On the plus side my muck puppy FINALLY stopped bringing that problem ball back, though he is eyeing it off and I KNOW he wants to pick it up. I think he really misses the pokemon, he does get fed more when its around.

[alarming-prism]

i saw your response to the ask about a fic u wanted more positive engagement on and i just want u to know i read that when i didnt have an ao3 account and have been searching for that fic FOREVER like it drove me so crazy it was so good. like im the type who usually only reads happy endings but it literally plagued my thoughts for MONTHS it was so good.... their relationship was so deliciously awful i think its peak representation of fq during their era of nothing but raw hurt and festering resentment from misunderstandings and all the outside factors stressing them out.... so excited to watch fxmq irreparably hurt and damage each other.... also yes the writing was a bit confusing but like in a good way,,,, like if it had been less vague and more clear i feel like it wouldnt have been as enjoyable bc that writing style really fit the vibe of the story, it kind of pulled it all together ykwim? like i really loved how u wrote it i think it was perfect as is, i cant think of a single possible thing that could make it even better.... yeah, tbh just for all your fics, u have this way of setting a kind of atmosphere throughout that just really brings the whole story together, like i noticed it in the mq toy store employee fic and the broken threads fic too. im not articulate enough to identify or describe what it is exactly that u do, but u do it sososososoooooo well it drives me crazy. youre amazing <33 ok ummmm i love all your writing and i will easily wait another 10 years for a hint of a second chapter for this fic or any other works by u, so please take your time without worry, i hope u have an amazing day/night, byeeee :3 <3

i'll have you know that i had a super rough day yesterday + i'm currently sick rn and when i got this ask i started to tear up. you get me and you get exactly what i'm going for. i understand wanting happy endings but i'm also desperate to explore the part of fengqing that's in continuous conflict not through any fault of their own but because of their circumstances + who they are as people,, and i know that's not for everyone but it makes me so happy that you understand what i'm trying to do here lmao.

i think i'll legitimately have to rethink my entire life if it takes me ten years to finish the second chapter, but i just checked my fic tracking doc and i started it back in february so uhh. i can't make any promises but this did make me open up that doc again and nanowrimo is coming up so i'll have to work on something or other. and every time i actually start thinking about this fic again i start to go insane. i think last time i worked on it i made myself cry? i'm definitely just oversharing at this point but.

idk just. thank you so much for sending such a long, heartfelt ask. it made a shitty day infinitely better. i hope you have an amazing day/night right back <3

[fleshconsuminggod]

In an hour, it'll be day 13 without succumbing to urges

Day 12 fucking sucked

I wanted to drink, so bad, since noon

Smoking went over my head completely, no urges

I even had urges to self-harm, and thoughts of more have popped up on me since the day withdrawals started

But my gods, the daydreams of him...

My head in his lap, on his shoulder

Looking into his eyes before I kiss him

Running my hands through his gorgeous hair

Laying down next to him

His hand engulfing mine when we walk next to each other

His laugh still playing in my head, his words and his actions showing me safety

Remembering that he's the only person who feels safe to me

We're in the same room, and I keep telling myself it's okay, but we're miles apart

There's no closing that distance, because it's going to hurt more to close it than it does to stay away

My pain is not greater than his, especially when I'm the one who caused it, and ESPECIALLY when the way to "fix" the pain is far from a fix at all. It's manipulative. It's using him.

Now, dear therapist, is it the pain of being away from him? Or the pain of being alone?

Because I'm always going to be alone. I've said it my whole life, hell I remember thinking this as young as the 7th grade, "I am in a giant group of people, but I am alone. I am surrounded by friends, family, fellow students, but I am alone." Some things do not change, and that is one of them. They keep telling me I'm part of a community at school, but I'm the outsider looking in. At work, people I met a few hours prior start calling me their friend. I have multiplr friends outside of work, I have neighbors, I have a close knit family and extended family dynamic: I see my family EVERY day, my extended family once a week. I am welcomed with open arms, and accepted for who I am among all of them, to appropriate degrees (aka having good boundaries w/ coworkers, letting family in closer...). But he's the only one that feels safe, like home, like he's the only one who truly loves me and accepts me.

He's RIGHT THERE. I think of him and my chest blooms: joy, safe, home, love. He lives in my chest with me, he knows me better than any other human could dream. When I say this man owns my heart, I mean it, he feels like a positive physical presence in my chest. Eloquent, truly.

It explains the jealousy..

When he's helping someone else, when he can talk them down and help them calm down, it's JEALOUSY that erupts, and I tell myself it's a good thing. I tell myself to see it for the beauty it is, what I've admired so much about him, his ability and willingness to do just that.

But I get jealous, cuz even that modicum of time, feels like enough time that he wouldn't come back to me. That he would get sick of me. That he wouldn't stand to be around me anymore, because that's all I do anyways, take. Take all I can. Break down on him, crying, like tonight and so many nights before, because he's safe, and he won't hurt me for being vulnerable. He's okay with me being vulnerable.

I get jealous because I see MY safe person, and I see the look that people give him when he's saying the right things (he's great at what he does)....and it's the look I gave him. It's how I feel around him, pathetic and small and like it's okay to be so. Like he loves me despite being pathetic and small. And other people find that comfort in him too, and it drives me crazy, because what if he chooses them instead of me? What if he leaves, and never comes back?

And then, what if, the sickest joke of all? You did it to yourself, dude. If he never comes back now, it's on you. You broke his fucking heart too many times in too many fucked up ways.

Then, what's the point? What's the point. You built a family, only to tear it down. You built a relationship, only to break it. You found a home, and built a life, and now you're waking up to smell the roses.

If he never comes back, if he never can, it's your fault.

[makangerous]

Fukuya Rank 5 (Temperance Confidant)

TW: addiction

You receive a text message from Fukuya.

Emi, tonight… Can you come over to my place? If not tonight, sometime soon, please. I'm not getting better. I need that sincere help of yours really badly. I'm sorry.

(His place? I should call him as soon as I have time to head over.)

You call Fukuya.

Emi, thank God you called. I'm ashamed I need to ask this of you. I need someone to stay at my house with me and watch over me until I fall asleep. I'm not asking for any kind of intimacy. Bring your homework, or video games, or whatever. You're the only one who can do me this favor. I'll text you my address.

He hangs up abruptly, before you can say anything. You pack a bag and travel to the address he sent. You ring the doorbell, and he answers.

You showed… The worst is over, Fukuya. You can make it through the night. Oh, come in. My parents aren't here. My dad's overseas for work, and my mom's at some seminar thing with my uncle. I usually have the house to myself. You can set up in the living room. I'm going to be functionally useless, so don't feel like you have to include me in your activities. All I ask is you don't let me go into my bedroom. Do NOT let me touch my chemistry set. If that happens, I WILL relapse.

>Fukuya, you're shaking.

Of course I am. That's a withdrawal symptom. Every fiber of my body is screaming at me, demanding more than I can handle. I can synthesize a near facsimile of what I need almost immediately, and that knowledge is driving me insane. It's so frustrating, when I have such a short time to go…

This is entirely my own fault. As much as I'm begging you to assist me, if you turn around and walk out the door, I understand. You see, I don't have a virus, or a disease, or anything like that. I'm recovering from an addiction. An addiction to something I created with my own two hands. You could call it an energy drink, and I naively did, but really, it's a drug.

When I discovered I could use my chemicals to punch up my coffee, I considered whether coffee was really the best medium for the energy density I needed. Back then, I had to maintain the best grades in the whole school, lead the science club, cook myself dinner, run a bunch of back-to-back tutoring sessions, and help all my friends with homework. Yeah, I used to have a lot of friends. Isn't that crazy? I was cracking under the stress of cramming all those tasks into 24 hours a day. So I got a bunch of stimulants, some of them illegally, and whipped them into a cocktail. I nicknamed it Resurr-EX. I drank it every day. For a while, my efficiency peaked. Everything felt like it took no time at all. But it took more and more Resurr-EX to maintain the same effect. Eventually, I drank so much of it in one sitting, I wound up in the hospital in excruciating pain. I had a heart attack… I almost died.

>Why didn't you ask for help?

I couldn't. I felt like if I dropped a single one of those tasks from my pile, I'd be a failure. And could you imagine what would happen if my parents found out I gave myself an addiction? Of course, you've never met them, but you can imagine. I'd never be allowed to touch chemicals again.

Since then, I've been recovering from my addiction. You're not really supposed to quit cold turkey, but… It's not like I had anyone to control my doses. And clearly, I can't trust myself. The withdrawal symptoms were godawful the first few weeks. Then they faded for a while. You got to know me during that period. But now, so close to when I calculated the finish line to be, they're worse than ever.

I know there's a simple solution to this. I should throw away my chemistry set. I already disposed of the illegal substances. But I can't bring myself to. Experimenting makes me feel more alive than anything else. I still believe I can create something useful to people. I have to.

>You already have.

Are you talking about the coffee and detergent I showed you? That's good to hear. I've considered starting a company and selling them. That's far too much of a hassle to do anytime soon, though.

Saying this aloud… I think it's renewing my resolve. I'll come up with something for us to do! I refuse to sit around and be useless, even if my own body's fighting me. Emi, do you like video games? Normally, I detest co-op, but the partner AI's so stupid in this one boss fight, I can't beat it alone. Want to give it a shot? You'll outplay my trembling fingers for sure.

You play video games with Fukuya and manage to beat the boss. After an elaborate death cutscene, you look over and see Fukuya fast asleep on the couch. You'd better get back to Leblanc…