#[miyazaki voice] the internet was a mistake

[bulkheading]

“ur the REAL stupid one, fandom will SAVE US, how DARE you point out the actual reason media illiteracy is so rampant” i’m too old for this man

[tsaritsa]

i was bored and trolling random blogs that were giving Hot Takes and all i can think of is wow is this what the teens do for fun now??

[kookie-doughs]

Let Me Try Acting

Lev Haiba X Reader

-Actress YN LN seen out with model Lev Haiba

Chapter 11: Day 2, She Made Me Do It

warning: There’s gon b a hoe????

With Lev busy filming his scene you were stuck with the bickering idiots you were surprised weren’t old married couple.

They were currently arguing about something that has to do with beaches or carnivals. But you were too busy watching Lev and listing his mistakes and things he could improve in your mind.

“Don’t bother with her. Bitch’s whipped. She’ll go with whichever we settle with.” Masaaki whispered to Kuroki.

“Suck my dick and go away. I’m not going to whatever the hell you guys are planning.”

“See she wasn’t even listening to Miyazaki-san.” He stifled a laugh.

You frowned and turned to them. “What?”

“The queen simping for an a model. I think this is kinda familiar. Have you heard of it Moto?” 

“Yeah, I think it was something like that. Where the prince married an actress.” The two smirked at you.

“I don’t think that’s an insult.”

“Years of friendship and this is the first time she’s this whipped. Not even when she was dating that British actor.” Masaaki shook his head.

“Let’s take 10!” The moment you heard that you broke away from your conversation with the two stooges and went to where they were filming.

“Y/N! Don’t walk away from us!”

Unfortunately for you, you were blocked by Asahi and Yuuji.

“Asahiii! Let me through!!”

“Your scene’s next. We have to ready you.”

“But it’s break time!!”

“You’ve been in break the moment you stepped in. Chop-chop, let’s go we have to ready you.”

“Great job Teru and Sahi!!” 

The two laughed and followed still talking about carnivals and beaches. You were surprised at how much Yuuji and Asahi contributed to the conversation since you were so out of place. The two seemed to know about what the hell they were talking about. Now you felt like an idiot, which you actually were.

“Nami, could you ask Miyazaki what Y/N has to wear?” Asahi smiled at the girl. 

“Aye aye captain!” Kuroki ran a quarter towards where the director was when she yelled, “Oh my fucking god. You bitch is so fucked!” Luckily only us five heard.

She ran back in with her eyes wide. “What the fuck?”

“Yo, all hoe’s over yo man girl!” She panicked.

Pushing Yuuji’s hand away from my face I turned to Kuroki. 

“Excuse me?” 

“Blonde bitch, walking tits. Touchin your man all over.” She crossed her arms and looked at where they were.

The other three looked at gasp. “Are you gonna let her do that?”

“Do I look fine with my unfinished make-up?” Asahi and Yuuji gave you a thumbs up. “Let’s go.”

You stood up and Kuroki and Masaaki followed you. There you saw a blonde girl talking to Lev. She was wearing a tight crop top and a mini skirt that was... mini. She was hugging Lev’s arm as if they were best friends which counters with Lev’s face. He had a nervous smile and constantly looking around with eyes screaming for help, his free hand was trying to push her away softly.

You three were waling up behind them. Getting close enough to hear but not close enough to be seen you heard her, “I mean the internet knows you aren’t dating her actually. So you’re actually single right?”

‘Oh- I- uh- I-I-- Y/N-”

“So technically you can go on a date with me. I got you this role, I think you owe me.”

“I-I-”

“Come on, it’s just one date. You’re single no one has the right to be mad.”

“I-I c-can’--”

“Did you know I fund 45% of this film?” You could practically hear the venom from her voice. “I am a massive deal.”

You finally got their attention when Kuroki cleared her throat. “Dear Diary, I believe Y/N’s a good person.” 

“Excuse me?”

Lev laughed weakly as he tried to pull away from the bitch. 

“You know I think there’s good in everyone, but-” Masaaki continued.

“I am not quoting that.” You hissed at the two.

“Here we are! First day of filming!”

“And we look around at the staffs introduced to us yesterday and I ask-” The two looked at me expectantly.

“Who the fuck are you?” I asked.

“What the hell was that with your entourage?”  Bitch smirked.

Kuroki yanked Lev’s arms away from her. “When asked you should answer.”

“My name is Yarikan Zurechi, and I am a massive deal, I fund almost half this film. Watch your words or I’ll pull you out.” She smiled. “Can’t believe I was a fan of yours, when you’re a bitch.”

“She literally did nothing wrong?” Lev pointed out.

A scoff escaped from you. Your two... entourage looked at you in shock. Masaaki pulled away and brought his phone out. Kuroki pulled Lev behind you.

“Are we gonna have a problem?” You raised your brow at her.

“Uh yeah if-”

“You got a bone to pick?”

“Ye-”

“You’ve come so far! Why now are you pulling on my dick?”

“Well that dick I was pulling wasn’t actually yours was it?” She smirked.

“I’d normally slap your face off and everyone here could watch!”

“You could tr-”

You leaned in closer the gap between you two practically nonexistent. “But I’m feeling nice. Here's some advice. Listen up, biotch! Your barking at the wrong tree. This is my man. Fuck off.” You smiled.

“Whatchu gon do?”

“S-She doesn’t have to do anything... I’m sorry but I don’t necessarily care about you.” Lev finally spoke. “I appreciate your compliments and such but I’m sorry. I like Y/N, even if you think we aren’t dating I wouldn’t stoop low enough for you knowing I kinda have a chance.” 

A blush appeared on your face, Zurechi was frozen. The other two was covering their mouth. 

Zurechi cleared her throat and regained her composure. Before heading out she passed on Lev’s right and peck his cheek. “Doesn’t mean you’ll do forever.” She slipped a paper on his hand and walked away.

Masaaki finally stopped filming and laughed.

“I will punch her. I think my fist can fit her throat. You growled.

Lev fell on the ground and sighed in relief. “Ahh!! I don’t want to see her again. She was really scary!”

“The audacity! She is no Regina.” Kuroki shook her head.

“Lev, your mine. You are not allowed to see that whore.” You glared at the spot where she disappeared.

“I really don’t like her. I hope I don’t see her.”

“Hey Heathers! None of you are ready! Show’s over, get ready!” Takeshi yelled.

The two stood up and ran to the dressing room. You turned to Lev with a frown. Using a handkerchief you wiped Lev’s cheek which a rat came in contact with.

“I don’t want you getting any disease.”

Lev smiled and peck your nose. “Don’t worry. I still like you more.” 

Previous | Masterlist | Next

I got addicted to musicals :)) If I made this last week I would’ve made a lot of Hamilton references :))

-kookie-doughs

Taglist?

@gummimint @gayer-than-the-gayest-gay @k3nma-fairy @kotarousbabyowl @nachotrash

[gideongrace]

The Pandemic Survival Guide

The world feels like it's going to hell, so here is a list of cute, dumb, happy, fun things to cheer people up so we can try and survive this disaster.

Youtube:

-Jenna Marbles - Cute craft projects, weirdness and dogs.

-Julian Solomita - Jenna's boyfriend Julien has a cooking show and it's adorable.

-Wood Hawker/beat em ups - Wood is the cutest goober of all time, he has two channels, one is beat em ups, where he talks about nintendo switch and one is Wood Hawker where he just does goofy, fun stuff.

-Monster Factory - So these guys, the mcelroy brothers, make monsters in games like Fallout and WWE Wrestling and name them stuff like Snack Braff. It's hilarious.

-MEF (Movies Explained For) - This guy named Jeb does comedy reviews of movies with titles like "Back to the Future part 2 explained for realists!" and "Overboard explained for rich folks!"

-the try guys - Four guys try out all different sorts of stuff, from lie detectors to wearing corsets to baking cakes without recipes.

- unraveled - One of the greatest dorks ever BDG (Brian David Gilbert) does videos like "every sonic game is blasphemous" and "which dark souls boss is the best manager?"

-Satisfying slime video

-Hot knife cuts through stuff

-The lockpicking lawyer - This guy teaches you how to break any lock. It's oddly calming.

-kinda funny's internet explorerz - Basically the best of the dumb stuff on the internet packed into an hour long show every week.

-Markiplier doing a clickhole quiz about fucking rl stine.

-That time on murder she wrote - A comedy review show of the show murder she wrote.

my favorite asmr channels:

-raphytaffy - Lots of noises and whispering.

-shadowywhispers - Soooo many rps from overwatch to batman to captain america sam falcon to stuff like werewolf boyfriend, demon knight boyfriend and the android chronicles: syndicate.

-gibiasmr - Lots of sounds and whispering and clicking noises.

-jojoasmr - Really visual asmr.

-heatherfeather asmr - She does lots of roleplays and has a very soft voice.

-asmrdarling - Lots of different sounds and roleplays.

-dr. t asmr - This one is weird in the best way. He does like sci-fi asmr and calls viewers "the tingledroid army".

TV Shows:

-Lois and Clark - A cheesy 90s version of Superman that focuses more on the relationship between Lois Lane and Clark Kent as reporters while also having goofy villains every week.

-Golden Girls - Do people exist who don't know what Golden Girls is? Sophia Petrillo is the best, fiestiest little old lady ever.

-Brooklyn Nine-Nine - This show is the funniest, nicest, best, most diverse show on tv.

-Schitt's Creek - This show is just so gay.

-Yuri on Ice! - Gay ice skating boys fall in love! That's it. That's the show! Really, though.

-Jane the Virgin - A virgin gets accidentally inceminated, the girl (who is engaged to somebody else) falls in love with the guy whose kid it is, the kid gets kidnapped... this is an english language telenovella.(With voiceovers!)

Movies:

-Evolution - David Duchovny, Sean William Scott and Orlando Jones fight aliens with head & shoulders shampoo. No, really.

-Clueless - 90s LA retelling of Jane Austen's Emma.

-Blockers - Three girls try to get laid on prom night. (And one of them is queer!)

-Street Fighter - Um, this movie has this scene in it.

-Knives Out - The best modern whodunit about rich people getting what they deserve ever.

-In & Out - 90s gay film that's about an adorable gay english teacher coming out.

-Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil - Two backwoods dorks rent a cabin in the woods and a bunch of teens mistake them for serial killers.

To All The Boys I've Loved Before - This movie is one of the cutest rom-coms I've ever seen. A teenage girl's sister sends out all her sister's unsent love letters.

-French Kiss - So a french thief (Kevin Kline with an accent) hides a necklace he's stolen in the bag of this American girl (Meg Ryan) and has to follow after her as she tries to get her boyfriend back and of course the thief and the girl fall in love.

-You Should Meet My Son! - A super cute movie about a mom realizing her son is gay and trying to find him a boyfriend.

Short, Sweet (Harringrove) Fic:

-rockisdead by flippyspoon

Billy is an instathot and Steve is into it.

-boldly go by tracy7307

Star trek but harringrove and Billy is a betazoid.

-homemade by lazybaker

So basically this one is like a Miyazaki movie, but Harringrove.

-starry night, portrait hung by lucdarling

Billy is a painter and he wants to paint Steve.

-I'm Falling Again (But This Time It's In Love With You) by greyspilot

The boys are just really sweet in this canon fic.

Stand-up comedians:

-John Mulaney

-Jim Gaffigan

-Trevor Noah

-Gabriel Iglesias

Music:

-chilledcow lo-fi - youtube

-chilledcow lo-fi spotify

-notice my lo-fi, senpai playlist by be_honest on spotify

-night runner - magnum bullets music video

-dance music - playlist by bree_cheese

-exciteable music - playlist by bree_cheese

-pretty - pretty songs playlist by bree_cheese

podfics/audiobooks

-audiobooks for the damned - A whole bunch of people did audiobook recordings of movie novelizations.

-the art of running by pprfaith, read by reena jenkins - The fast and the furious if Brian was a girl and gets together with Dom.

-dilf by twentysomething - teenwolf podfic read by rhea314 - Scott and Jackson are Derek's sons and Stiles is Scott's kindergarten teacher.

-drop dead gorgeous written by maya, read by heatherifics - The harry potter fanfic where Harry and Draco are Aurors and Harry is part Veela.

other stuff:

-The original script to the movie The Room.

-i write like - A website that allows you to put in bits of your writing to see what famous author you write like.

-squishables - Giant, spherical plushes.

-Not without you: a big, massive, hardcover stucky anthology.

I'll also be making other lists and tagging them #thepandemicsurvivalguide.

If you have anything to add to this list (fics, art, comics, shows, books, whatever) please reblog this and add it!

[unblinded-by-nostalgia-blog]

I'm not going to sugarcoat this... This anime is bad. It is one of the most overrated series I have ever seen. I don't say that lightly.

Merry Christmas?

Part 1 (Episodes 1-4)

The Story

The story is about a young boy who finds out he is actually dead and has only a short ghost-life.

The story has a good idea for a shounen series. But the rest of of the series contains every cliché in the book that we have seen many times before, making the series not stand out like everyone says this series does. It feels like any other dull anime out there.

The characters spoon feeds you most of the information and says the same thing about it hundreds of times with no new information and the explanations feel very forced and poorly written into the show. The series reminds me of Soul Eater. It has an interesting idea, but very poor execution.

The Characters

The characters are not memorable at all to the point where the protagonist looks exactly like the protagonist from Omamori Himari! But while that character was interesting, this series protagonist is like Bella from Twilight. He can't defend himself and his personality changes from a wimp to a brave guy and back again!

Shana is the most unlikeable tsundere I have ever seen. Even though she has seen many of the protagonist's kind. She acts like a bitch to him for no reason and does not sympathies with him in the slightest. Even though she protects humans, she acts like a absolute jerk and has no respect for anyone.

The villain is also not interesting. The only thing we know about him is that he has a doll fetish. And it isn't implied, he talks sexually to a doll multiple times. Heck, every time I see these two, I expect it to turn into a Hentai! The only thing this achieves is demonising people with unusual fetishes, even though the Internet already belittles them already.

The side characters aren't worth mentioning. They are forgettable. In fact, they are the most forgettable side characters I have ever seen. And seeing that I have watched many bad anime before, that is saying a lot.

The Animation/Special Effects

The animation is definitely below average. The animation looks lifeless and dull and the character designs look uninspired. The series recycles a lot of the footage and uses obvious cheap tactics to save money.

The Dub

The dub is bad. The protagonist sounds dull, Shana sounds annoying (especially when she says 'shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!') and the side characters voice actors don't even try.

Final Thoughts

Overall, after seeing these episodes. How do people think that this is one of the best anime of all time? The story is dull, the characters are uninteresting, the animation is lazy and the dub doesn't even try to be good.

And we have 20 more episodes to go... Oh boy...

The Story 1/5 The Characters 1/5 The Animation/Special Effects 2/5 The Dub 1.5/5

Overall 1.5/5

Part 2 (Episodes 5-8)

The Story

The story is still as bland as ever. Even though the series explained how the world works, it is cleche and dull.

The Characters

The characters are not much better. Shana suddenly likes the protagonist for no reason whatsoever, the protagonist is dull and I'm actually siding with the bland villain with a doll fetish. And if you make an uninteresting villain more likeable than the heroes, you know that you have fucked up this series.

The Animation/Special Effects

The animation is still as uninspired as ever. But what do you expect with J.C Staff?

The Dub

The dub is still bad. I don't need to say anymore than that...

Final Thoughts

Overall, this series is still not that good. Who's idea was it that this series is one of the best of all time?

The Story 1.5/5 The Characters 1/5 The Animation/Special Effects 2/5 The Dub 1.5/5

Overall 1.5/5

Part 3 (Episodes 9-13)

The Story

The story has a lot of filler in the first two episodes of this part, then the new villain arc is rushed beyond belief.

The Characters

There is a forced love triangle in this series and you know exactly where it is going to go. The romance between the two main characters feels forced and rushed and we get all new fetish villains! This time its loli and Shota incest! And yes, that's all we know about them. And they are still more likeable than the two main characters!!!

The Animation/Special Effects

Why are the villains the only ones with decent character designs that are memorable? And why are the action scenes so boring and unexciting?

The Dub

The dub is still not very good. In fact, the new villain's voices sound really annoying!

Final Thoughts

Overall, I'm finding it harder to believe that this series is one of the most beloved out there? How the hell did this become so popular?

The Story 1/5 The Characters 1/5 The Animation/Special Effects 2/5 The Dub 1.5/5

Overall 1.5/5

Part 4 (Episodes 14-16)

The Story

The story tells us the backstory of Shana. The problem is that a lot of things happen without any explanation on why this is happening and we already knows what's going to happen because we have seen this plotline many times before and we know how it's going to end.

If it was at the beginning of the series or was just one episode, I could forgive it more, but the backstory takes up THREE episodes! And most of what happens can be summed up in one explanation scene or an OVA, not 3 episodes of the main series.

The Characters

The only interesting relationship in this part is the maid and Shana, but we already know what's going to be revealed, but it is better than what we have seen in most of this series!

The Animation/Special Effects

The animation is okay in this part, nothing special, but an improvement from previous episodes.

The Dub

Dub is still awful. Where is Funimation when you need them? Wait... Funimation made this dub... Dear god!

Final Thoughts

Overall, this part is an improvement from the previous episodes, but it isn't anything worth watching, either.

The Story 1/5 The Characters 2/5 The Animation/Special Effects 3/5 The Dub 2/5

Overall 2/5

Part 5 (Episodes 17-20)

The Story

We get a cleche romantic misunderstanding and a mad scientist taking over the world. One word... BORING!!!

The Characters

We don't have much character development here that we haven't seen 100s of times before! Even the villain is just a generic mad scientist!

The Animation/Special Effects

The animation isn't as good as the previous part. In fact, more care went into the boob juggles with one of the characters in a Yukata than the rest of the show!

The Dub

Zzz...zzzz... Huh? It's still bad... I'm going back to sleep....zzz...zzz...

Final Thoughts

This part was BORING! I was so bored, I started to play Tales of the Abyss near the second half of this part because it was so boring. And I just listened to the dialogue because the animation was so dull.

The Story 0/5 The Characters 1/5 The Animation/Special Effects 2/5 The Dub 2/5

Overall 1.5/5

Part 6 (Episodes 21-24)

The Story

The final part goes on for far too long! Most of the episodes is just fighting dumb looking robots! And the climax is rushed beyond belief. The ending is also really predictable!

The Characters

The characters are the same as ever. The villains are dull and I don't care about anything in this show!

The Animation/Special Effects

The animation is average once again. The fight scenes are below average, but I do think the music is good. If only the music was attached to a better series...

The Dub

The dub isn't that amazing... Can I go back to sleep now?

Final Thoughts

Overall, this last part was a dull ending to a dull series. Need I say more?

The Story 1/5 The Characters 1/5 The Animation/Special Effects 3/5 The Dub 2/5

Overall 2/5

Overall Thoughts

How was this series considered as one of the best series of all time? The story is dull, the characters are uninteresting, the animation is uninspired and the dub doesn't even try! When I watched this series, I could see why Miyazaki thought anime was a mistake. Because fans think this kind of crap is acceptable. Well, it isn't in my book! Don't bother watching this series! It isn't worth your time!

Part 1 1.5/5 Part 2 1.5/5 Part 3 1.5/5 Part 4 2/5 Part 5 1.5/5 Part 6 2/5

Overall 1.5/5

[orribuontheinternet]

Depression and Drawing.

When I was a young lass (I want to say around 7-8 years old), I saw my biological father drawing something while he sat on the porch. The details are fuzzy, but I do remember it being an equine of some sort. He was working in ink. Watching him was so fascinating that I decided that I too wanted to be an artist. To be able to imagine something and put it to paper was a foreign concept to me, one that I was excited about. Oddly enough, my first ever drawing was of an intangible concept: an emotion. I forgot why little me was so knee-deep in sadness at the time, but I remember doodling a self-portrait of a sad, crying baby Olive while holding back my tears. Underneath (or around, I can't recall) was a caption that kind of stated the obvious: "Olivia is sad." When I think about that moment, I wonder if that was a form of foreshadowing since I suffer from...well, Major Depression. But we'll get back to that later. I think this drawing was spawned from a conflict with my siblings, but I can't rightly recall. I do, however, remember that someone tore the picture to pieces. Then came the waterworks.

I want to pause for a second and let you know that I'm going to try not to throw a pity party. I'm not going to whine and stuff this note with melodramatic hyperbole. If you can stomach an emotional artist digging deep into her head and making her introspection tangible, I encourage you to keep reading. If not, I respect your decision to stop.

To segue on to a brighter note, I started drawing in elementary school. I remember the exhilarating feeling of finishing my work. My proudest moment, aside from a (not) Sonic-themed powerpoint, was a storybook I made in fifth grade. It was a flip book of some sort, and very colorful. I think it had something to do with James and the Giant Peach considering it was a book report. But that was an impression I left. Olive, the artist. This carried on into middle school, where I first discovered anime thanks to an art teacher who had the magic VCR/TV cart we 90s kids remember fondly. He showed us Princess Mononoke, one of Hayao Miyazaki's well-renowned works. It was um...horrifying. The film scared the everloving shit out of me, but I was intrigued by it. There was something really cool about the way the people looked, far different from the Ms. Frizzles and Rugrats I came to know. It captivated me, and when I got over the stomach-churning blood and guts the movie presented, I strove to attain that cool aesthetic. I was always doodling during my classes and lunchtime and recess. People came to know me as that kid that draws. Some of them flocked to me and asked me to doodle something for them. It was annoying in hindsight, but at the time it brought me immense pride. People were interested in something I was doing! This development boosted my motivation; I drew picture after picture, happily sharing it with anyone who was interested. It was invigorating! Then high school happened, and I realized I wasn't as amazing as I initially thought I was. In 2006 I was accepted into the prestigious Philadelphia Highschool of Creative and Performing Arts (henceforth shortened to "CAPA," as to avoid the apparent mouthful of syllables). I attended with a major in visual arts, which I took alongside my core classes, i.e., math, science, and English. The first few months were humbling, to say the least. I took ceramics, graphic art, and observational drawing. During this year, I also discovered the magic (to a 15-year-old anyway) of Naruto. That was my biggest obsession since the Dragonball Z/Rurouni Kenshin/Outlaw Star/Big O/etcetera days. Where I used to make "Dark Sonic" characters and the like,  I made a step towards creating a world of my own. Thus, after a painful defeat in an original character tournament, I decided it was time to start harnessing my writing and narrative skills, as well as my drawing skills. And so I strove to improve, even with those dents in my pride. It became something I was proud of, almost an obsession. I wanted to share it with the rest of the world, so I went for it.

(The first piece I’ve shared with the internet via deviantART.)

This is where my real artistic journey began. When I started, I had no idea of how mentally, physically, and emotionally tolling this would be. Half the time I've made things way more difficult than they've needed to be: sleepless nights, crouching over a desk, risky investments that granted little to no return and thus resulted in me digging myself into a deeper hole of debt, periods of psychological agony–I've experienced a great deal since I started creating these...things. In my naivety, I envisioned making money off of my creativity, having fun, meeting fans around the world, and hitting up cons like those really cool people I follow on the internet. I started comparing myself to more celebrated, experienced artists, to the point where I'd cry out of eye and earshot and wonder why I can't be as good as them. Why can't I be as skilled, or successful, I'd ask myself. This is when I should have realized that the Depression I suffer from has a voice. It'd tell me that I'd never amount to anything, let alone reach that level of expertise and fame. It was painfully merciless and cruel, and I was its punching bag. I'd start wondering what the point was and why I should even try to engage in this creative expression. Then, something tragic happened:

I realized I was falling out of love with it.

I didn't feel the same exhilaration I'd get when I finished something as simple as a little scribble. I didn't feel the warm burst of energy that I felt when I'd make a breakthrough.  I desperately scrambled for something–anything–that would rekindle my love for creating again. Then, after some introspection, I decided that I wanted to try for animation. It had always fascinated me during my time in grade school, so I did some research and even wrote a thesis about animation and why it inspired me. To an extent, the passion I have for the arts did come back a little, but it was just a spark. When I started college, I was reluctantly proud of myself. I started dreaming big again, thinking about how amazing it would be if I could create my own animated series and bring my narratives to life. And so, the dreams of being able to support myself and my family returned to the forefront of my mind, again. While I hopped and skipped through my first year at uni, I built a lot of friendships I never thought I'd have after a painful summer season. I thought back to how I tried and failed to start an art team and decided to go for it again. And thus, after planning gatherings and messing around with my friends, Exploding Fairies was born!

(Old Exploding Fairies logo.)

The Depression and my wounded confidence, however, wouldn't allow for anything to go past casual hangouts and being a nuisance to my teammates. Everything boiled down to three things:

1) I was unwilling to relinquish control of any of the facets of the alliance and our stories. To me, the story we worked on was my baby, and only I would have a say in whatever developments occurred. 2) I lacked the leadership and communication skills to collaborate with my partners effectively. 3) Considering the nature of my requests, I SHOULD have been paying my partners as an incentive. I lacked the money to compensate them for their time and talent adequately. I could very well be painting myself in a horrible light considering how terribly influential my depression is to my self-esteem. 

(The image above is by @cucoo.)

(Concept drawings of Dan’s actual identity.)

However, exposure and companionship don't necessarily pay the bills. Besides, I was still a "nobody on the internet!" I may as well have kicked sand in their faces. At least, that's what the disease told me. I grew bitter towards the world when Homestuck and a traumatizing anime gained the admiration of my friends. I became green with envy, wondering why my work didn't win such affection. That summer, I went into overdrive. I started an original character tournament of my own and gained a considerable following. I even found love again! 

After a busy three months, I jumped into my second year of college. This is when I finally collapsed under the weight of my mental ailments. Week after week, I stressed almost hyperbolically to the point where a single mistake could mean the end of the world to me. I officially started as an animation student (the first year was mostly core studies with elective and liberal arts on the side), and I wanted to bring my A-game to the forefront. I was going to wow everyone with my knowledge of technology while I navigated through the hills and valleys of my second year. I got to take a course in digital 2D animation, the media I've had my eyes on since I started my college career. Everything just hinged on whether I could manage my workload (I took 18 credits). Apart from the building stress, financial troubles, and impaired health, everything seemed fine. That notion, however, was shattered when I lost my progress on a 2D animation assignment. It was all over. All of that hard work that I put in (without saving, no less) was destroyed by a corrupted file. I didn't have a backup file ready for such an occasion. Admittedly, it was my fault for letting my guard down. I should have known better as a geeky artist!  To me, there was no way I could ever recover from that. I was an idiot and a crappy artist anyway! I was a failure! I was nothing! All of the horrible thoughts that my sickness cataloged was thrust into my conscious mind, impairing my ability to reason. Devastated and afraid, I called my crush and opened up about what happened. The pressure finally cracked me, and she had to talk me down from attempting suicide.

The turn of events affected everything, from my focus to my ability to complete my assignments. My crush advised me on what steps I should take while moving forward. I was hospitalized to prevent any harm I could bring to myself. I really DID want to escape from the unbearable pain my sick mind caused me. Eventually, I had to contact the dean of students and was referred to an affiliated therapist. After conversing with him and the dean, we all decided that it'd be best if I were committed to an outpatient program to start on the road to recovery. Fast forward to 2012 or 2013, when I completely lost faith in myself as an artist, and thus, my love for art. I didn't think it'd happen, but I hit what I conceived as rock bottom. I swore off drawing. It didn't bring me joy anymore, and why continue dabbling in something that I'd never be good at?

Unfortunately, the resulting slump turned out to be thicker than I'd imagine and I entered a state of deep depression. I rarely got out of bed, I overate and sometimes didn't eat at all, I never picked up a pencil or opened photoshop, never reached out to the people who I knew and who loved me...I was virtually dead to the world. Some good things happened that, in hindsight, I should have cherished. For starters, my crush became my girlfriend, and we lived together in an apartment in Center City. I was too smothered in the fog to show my appreciation and love for her adequately. She loved me and loved my work, which in turn brought back my passion for creating. If I couldn't financially support myself with my art, the least I could do is bring her joy and feed her imagination. 

(We both love semi-horror and anime, so our roleplays took that direction.)

Sadly, thanks to the disease even something as precious as her happiness wasn't enough. When I look back, I can see the hurt in her eyes, but during the time I had such horrible tunnel vision and was so disappointed about things not working out with my art that I couldn't sense that. Me, a self-proclaimed empath! My desperate greed and envy were my downfall, and I limped my way down the artsy-fartsy road. I'd draw fan art and create fan comics, only to become bitter about either the lack of replies or patrons on Patreon or the perceived disregard for any personal ventures I took. 

I did my first convention at Anime Impulse back in 2015, and after a pretty bad time in the artist alley, I swore off drawing again. I remember nights of staring blankly at the computer screen, smashing Command or Control +Z and ultimately throwing my stylus down, closing photoshop, and crying out of frustration. I remember pulling my hair and sobbing when I faced rejection. It was an incredibly painful time for me. That's not to say I still don't experience that now as I totally do, but something happened this year that strengthened my stride.

I posted something on Tumblr earlier this year about my frustration when it comes to creating art. It was specifically about how I get stuck in the "polishing" phase of building a webcomic page, but when I look back, I can actually attribute it to art in general. I became a "perfectionist." Nothing was impressive enough to finish or release, and I'd wind up with more works in progress than finished ones. My morale just kept dipping lower and lower, and finally, when picking up a webcomic project that I started more than a year ago, I vented my frustrations. To this, my crush, who became my fiancé some four years ago, replied with this:

"You polish because you’re not confident with your work because you're in an evolution phase. Fear holds you back. So you go back and edit. And edit. And edit. So stop the cycle. Kill the fear by not letting it have time to take hold."

Her words of encouragement and insight changed my perspective in ways I've never expected. It was almost like it triggered an epiphany or a breakthrough in my mind! I was reminded of her love and faith in me! With that came a ray of hope, that I could try again, and this time, throw my fear-induced caution to the wind! While my depression still has a voice and beats me down from time to time, I realize that it's just scared. I realized that when Brittany and I sat down and played through Celeste together. I related it to my sadness and anxiety surrounding art, and now I'm slowly getting back on my feet. I can't displace the blame and "use" my mental ailments as a scapegoat. I can't come up with excuses to give up on what I do. There is SOMETHING in creating visual media that breathes life into me.

(I started learning to let go.)

Looking towards the future, I hope I can look back on even these trying times and remind myself of where I was and how stronger I've become because of it. I'm still struggling with comparing myself to others and crashing into creative and motivational blocks, but someday I'll rise above it all. Besides, I should be doing it for me, right? The external validation should just be the topping on a sweet sundae.

That's why I keep drawing, in spite of the voice's apprehension. We're going to get through this together, I promise.

[permian-tropos]

*Miyazaki voice* Solo was a mistake

I can’t even say it was, for me, since I haven’t seen it, and it doesn’t really affect my life much. 

I have heard it has good qualities. I’ll probably watch it sometime, for free. But I know enough about the movie to know all the female characters are used for manpain classique.

Frankly one reason I shouldn’t watch Solo is I’d just come back explaining how to smooth over all of these manpain scenarios to make them not extremely cliche, even if they affect the male characters’ arcs. L3 and Val don’t die, they exit the plot on their own terms, and Qira is Han’s sister instead of ex. Hm that wasn’t difficult. But I don’t think they were an accidental writing flub. I think the writers put manpain in there because they thought it would appeal to the demographic who really wanted to see some reassuring dated tropes.

The movie probably doesn’t need to change much to make the female characters not objects of manpain, so why didn’t it? Because it was aiming for that. Men! Aren’t! Oblivious or ignorant! They’re not hapless foolish babes. These movies are heavily corporate workshopped, and corporate Disney is perfectly aware of Feminism 101 complaints about media. There are male writers working for SW who have explicitly stated an understanding of Feminism 101. 

The reason why Solo’s treatment of female characters is grating to me is that absolutely everyone involved made these choices on purpose. Talking about “consent” as something you can be “tricked” into giving against your protestations or reservations, by having feelings or an interest in a man, is NOT DATED BOYISH INNOCENCE, especially not after the extreme mainstreamity of MeToo. The thinkpieces about the portrayal of women in Solo being bad, in super mainstream feminist internet outlets, are not coming as some kind of surprise to Lucasfilm; they’re familiar with the content of those outlets. 

Choices made about the portrayal of women in TLJ were approved to ride a feminist cultural wave and choices made about the portrayal of women in Solo, coming right after was probably supposed to be balm for male egos. They’re trying to figure out ways to address nerddom having progressive and regressive contingents, so they can sell to both. I think all the Star Wars stories were meant to give content for the boys to counterpart catering to female fans in the ST, frankly. Rogue One is masculine with a female lead the way a show like Steven Universe is feminine with a male lead. And the other planned movies were for male fan favorites like Obi-Wan and Boba Fett. While Padme and Leia and Ahsoka get tie-in novels instead. And I don’t mean R1 and Solo and the planned films were for white men. Clearly they’re trying to corner the market for MOC! That’s a market too.

That doesn’t mean you can’t like Solo, I say, like a more combative Anita  Sarkeesian, annoyed I have to put this disclaimer at all.

But like amid any good qualities, I see a cynical attempt to balance out how much femimismsim was in the ST (its treatment of female characters is palatable enough for me, of all of them Rose would be the best female character in a SW film don’t @ me, but absolutely none of it is revolutionary, all of this has been done before long long ago, in other galaxies far far away).

[le-claire-de-lune]

Modern life is being annoyed at being advertised stuff you don’t like while also being glad the algorithm isn’t smart enough to get it right

Like I want to stop getting ads for this mobile game clearly designed by/for straight men but also I don’t want tumblr to know anything about me that is worth collecting and selling to data brokers who will then sell that data to the US government