#[man Victorian diet plans were wild]

[ask-wren-zhang]

Journal entry,

I cannot wait for January to be over; not because I despise January, more so rather the company it brings.

I just received a blasphemous amount of cauldron cakes, and I’d much prefer to enjoy them for breakfast without judgement. Personally I don’t appreciate bampots like fecking Gretchen go on and on why I should consider callisthenics or consuming vinegar to “purge my body of any unnecessary appetite.”

Half of my bed now sits a stack of pamphlets recommending self-proclaimed “fun internal cleansing” practices such as swallowing larvae and drinking arsenics.

Do you know what else is fun? Not having a deranged stomach.

Merlin help me if another feckless doffer suggests I take action to “keep my body away from evils.” The only thing I’ll be keeping away are those crackbrained enough to believe a word of these muggle diet fads.

The only fitness that interests me, is fitting this tangerine flavoured Chocolate Frog in my mouth.

Don’t even get me started the moment Gretchen claimed I’ve gotten a wee bit “tubby.” It’s bunny fat, and it’s keeping me warm for the Scottish winter, Gretchen!

[captainbeancan-blog]

Good times, Good vibes and Goodbyes

Life on the open ocean can take its toll on any man and although it sometimes might not seem like it our dearest Captain is just that, a mere mortal. The tooing and froing of the seas and the pirates diet had let gut rot set in with the Captains rear smelling like a 10000 year old egg ,the Hog was in despair. Once again his belly was his achilles and the Hog his crutch, surviving on nothing more than an emergency bag of mixed boilings the couple hobbled gallantly onwards back towards to the hallowed turf of the northern shores, the hills of the capital rose towards them and Wellington passed the Captain by in a feverish stupor, no chance to see its giant squid and even a gentle stroll in the beautiful botanics unable to heal him. Moral hadn't been this low since the distant Norwegian days where they had bid farewell to the beancan (god rest her soul). As the parasites took hold it seemed like the curtain was set to fall for our tarmac trundler and his sea shanties, the tunnel of light grew narrower until he knew the fever had gripped hold as the Hog appeared almost angelic! Strange dreams gripped him and his rest was uneasy, regularly the hideous beast of omaru flashed before him and sweat fell from him like the monsoon rains. When he awoke he sensed he was in purgatory alone in this strange town, the door creeked and his saviour stood in the frame, this was no purgatory only Whanganui, New Zealand's equivalent, the Hogs chicken soup gently nursed him back to health as our dear hero slowly regained his strength over the coming weeks. 'Not this time' the Captain declared to the old man up stairs and they were on there way once more, new horizons and adventures just in sight. The sardine can spluttered onwards with our delectable duo, speeding them towards the famous tongariro crossing, the twists and turns soon afforded them a beautiful sight, Mount Doom in all its hideous glory, even in his sickly state the Captain could not resist the temptation as the mysterious Sauron called them up the mount. Hour after hour passes as they clambered up the volcanic dune, over rock and through snow on little more than willpower and a few drops of scroggin until they summited and stared into the crater bigger than an acne riddled teen. From their lofty viewpoint they took in views of Taranaki (like no other) and the arid plains of the red crater. The gallant duet strode onwards lunching at the sulphurous emerald pools and pit stopping at the gaseous long drop toilets! 'A fine stroll' chirped the Hog as the Captain limped on looking like an extra from Pet Cemetery. Taranaki (like no other) came into view as their four wheeled adventure hobbled on, even a fireworks display greater than Gandalfs couldn't rid the Captain off his belly curse as they took in Christmas at the bowl courtesy of some delectable hosts! Professional help was needed to rid him of his digestive dilemma. 'Aunties biotics' the Creamhog told him, which the Captain mused must be some kind of Yakult administered by a distant relation of the Hog. Sunny Hawkes Bay greeted them as the Hog introduced him to her old aquaitence ,auntie biotic who turned out to be a pair of mystical soul healers cast out from their homelands for their devilish ways, they fed him a strange concoction from their apothecary and our hero was back to fighting fit in no time. Christmas would soon be upon them and he had plans afoot. In the Hog the Captain had found his Florence Nightingale, the robin to his batman and he had decided to make the union a more permanent one with a picnic that would put our Victorian forebears to shame he set off to that glorious spot of shine falls with the Hog in tow. The sun beat down on them from the cloudless sky and the Captain stripped down to his speedos and lept like a yugi salmon into the icy waters, slowly the Hog followed treading lightly with each step, the cascading horsetail falls presenting a beautiful backdrop and the ruggedly handsome Captain at the forefront, he presented the Creamhog with a gemstone even Danny Archer would be jealous of. The Hog was wide eyed, however not with joy but sheer panic as she high tailed it out of the water on the sighting of something wriggling below the surface, many of you readers were maybe thinking the Captain had accidentally left his member outside his speedos, not so my fellows, the Hog had spotted an eel and the Captain hot footed out of there in pursuit! Chuckling like a pair of mischievous children the newly ensconced duo sat down to their picnic as the Hog smiled wide, day dreaming of little piglets. 'BCE' (best Christmas ever) she hollared from the rooftops of Napier, her hand glinting in the Bluff Hill sunshine. For the Hog her FOMO worries were over. A new dawn had broken on the Captain and his wild ways, he had suffered an ear bashing from Sir Wuffington on the rotary dial about making an honest woman of his compadre and made the jump. New Zealand now set to become a distant memory all to soon, they saddled up shanks pony and made their way north to sit back, buckle up and make best their preparations for the kangaroo capitals well trodden east coast. A tear glistened in The Captains eye as they pushed back and departed from what had become their second home. There was only one phrase to sum up these southern wonderlands 'Sweet as' Onwards to the lands birthed by the hornswogglers! The Cap'n