#[ive fucked up my sleep schedule so badly lol]

[autobots-in-training]

Hi! This is for every bot (and the human running this blog) I just wanted to say hi, I think you’re all cool, I hope you have a good day, and happy holidays! :)

Ravage: December is an interesting month, because humans are so... Unusually cheery. It's weird when i go on missions, how does nearly the entire planet have that weird human dressed in red and sometimes blue everywhere??

Galvatron: Humans are weird.

Ravage: Each city state on cybertron had its own holidays, there were just a couple that were enforced by the coundi-

Frenzy: Outta my way!! I fucking LOVE christmas!! TC is obsessed with earth media, and showed carrier some stuff that's popular around this time of year, and started a tradition of giving us stuff!!

Ravage: Ugh, you only like it because your present is always new speaker mods for your outlier abilities that somehow make it even more unbearable.

Frenzy: AND IT ALWAYS FUCKING ROCKS!!!

Rumble: it's so astonishing that she hasn't permanently damaged her audio receptors.

Frenzy: Only a little bit!! My left receptor doesn't register lower frequencies anymore!

Rumble: That's a bad thing. You know that's a bad thing, right?

Frenzy: You're no fun! All our presents are so fucking cool!!

Ravage: You do know that Starscream helps build them right?

Rumble&Frenzy: WHAT???

Galvatron: Ha, you broke them.

Ravage: They were going to learn sooner or later.

*end transmission*

(happy holidays to you all, thank you for sending asks and participating in my silly little fan continuity. next year will have more fics, more lore and more art!! (bit of a longer message in tags))

[cainightfics]

can we get an update? are u doing ok? u had such crazy output last year and now u so suddenly stopped

hey! ya sorry i went so mia its been a busy year. im still working on fic but its slow. from when i last updated trotw to april i was working 3 jobs, taking a full uni courseload, and writing my thesis. the thesis in particular honestly burned me out on writing really badly but i did manage to write that one oneshot

then summer was just shit honestly lol. i spent the entire summer working at a restaurant to save up money bc i had to move away in september, and the shift i had started at 6am, so i was almost never awake during my peak writing hours (11pm to 3am). i lost 30lbs in 2 months partially because i was broke and partially because my eating disorder relapsed (probably from stress lol). during that time i was only eating one meal a day in the form of my free staff lunch at work, but the restaurant where i worked was INFESTED WITH MICE :))))) so half the time i was too disgusted to eat thinking there might be rodent shit mixed into my food lol. and then on my days off i just ate like eggs and rice and zucchini bc thats what i got from the food bank. in august i started really genuinely and consciously restricting my calories down to like 500-800 cals per day, plus working on my feet as a waitress doing like 20k steps a day as a result of the malnutrition and rapid weight loss my hair started falling out in massive clumps :))) and i started sleeping for like 12 hrs a day. im eating properly now ofc tho

i moved in september for grad school and am now living in one of the most expensive cities in the world lol so i spend a lot of time just financially struggling. i have a job that will last until the end of december but its under contract so i only make like $600 a month and have to rely on my $14k school stipend and meagre savings for the rest. ive been looking for another job but i either get no interview, have the interviewer ghost me, or most recently, get told i have the job and then just never get scheduled. i have 7 cents in my checking account rn lol. my rent is paid until next month and then after that who knows whats gonna happen to me

last years output was definitely a fluke and only happened bc i was VERYYYY financially stable and could fuck around a lot at my part time job, where i wrote most of trotw. those sunny days are gone 🚬🚬 lol but i dont intend to abandon my works and i promise they will come someday. if anyone here feels like paying my rent itll come EVEN faster!!!

thx for checking up tho, its nice to know i havent been totally forgotten by u guys <3

[aworldofendlesswonder]

love me some intense dissociation hours and intrusive thoughts to boot

[vicktoryscreech]

@catp thanks for tagging me 😘

Rules: answer these questions and tag 20 blogs you’d like to get to know better

nickname: everyone calls me something different tbh and thats how i like it

Zodiac: Leo🦁

Height:5’4

Time: 9:47

Favorite band/artist atm: I’m currently losing my shit over Bloom by Troye Sivan!!!

Song stuck in my head: some song heard in a vine compilation I heard i don’t even know what its called tbh

Last movie I saw: I kinda watched table 19 the other night but I was drunk and not really paying attention I was mostly on my phone

Last thing I googled: mbmbam bean gravy 😂😂

Other blogs: I have this one, one i use mostly as a reblog bait blog, and one I have w my love that we post artsy pics of each other on its hella cute tbh

Do I get asks: not usually lol if i beg i’ll get like 2

Why did I choose this username: Because I loved The Used when I made this blog and I’ve always loved butterflies and they had a lyric about butterflies!! It made me so happy

Following: 2092 (a hell of a lot of ppl IM SO SORRY FOR ALL MY MUTUALS I NEGLECT)

average amount of sleep: i don’t even know my sleep schedule is ridiculous

lucky number(s): 12 & 8! i love even numbers

what i am wearing: grey pjs!

dream job: anything that undermines capitalism and helps those exploited by it

dream trip: japan w my love

fav food: sweet fruit🤤

play any instruments: i play bass and guitar badly because I’m out of practice but i still know stuff

eye color : brown! I’ve recently fallen in love w my eyes. There’s this lamp right in front of this mirror in the poorly lit employee bathroom at my job and it makes my eyes look so fkn cool

describe yourself as aesthetic things: pressed flowers, soft sad music,

languages you speak: english

most iconic song: Thriller by Michael Jackson

random fact: ive recently gone vegan and i dont know what the fuck im doing so hit me up w some vegan recipes if you got them and also general cooking tips

@immaryrawr @depressed-pansexual @emoscarecrow @nnicolezelda @bye-angel @maybalator @ifiwereacountryidbefrance @baconpancaakes @beautiful-lioness @sokushi @enlightened-crab-man

thats all im tagging. i love you guys! do it if you want . if youre not feeling it no worries. if you wanna do it and not post it but just message it to me thats cool too!

[amaintainedrisk]

first of all, I apologize for Siri. My eyesight has been really bad since all of this has happened so I can’t see at all what Siri is screwing up or not. So if a sentence makes no sense, I apologize. I can’t see the picture.

I’m still trying to piece together what happened to me. The backstory is, about a month ago I started having heart palpitations really badly. Not a fast heartbeat but a pounding heartbeat. So I thought it was cardiac issues so he went to a cardiologist and they found nothing on the echo. That’s… When neurological issues setting. all the symptoms I had before my 2009 Chiari surgery we’re slowly repeating themselves, but 1000 times worse. I just felt really really heavy and it felt like someone had their hands on the top of my head and we’re pushing my head down. All of this also made the cardiac symptoms worse. So I made an appointment with a neurosurgeon and by the time he saw me, I couldn’t even walk into his office. I was wheelchair-bound. I couldn’t lay in a flat position and I just could not breathe and every day the symptoms were getting worse. But through it all, I had all my mental faculties and I knew exactly what was going on and processed everything. I was mentally stable. The neurosurgeon ordered CAT scans but they needed to be approved by the insurance first so I had to wait and… They never got a chance to be approved.

on Tuesday, November 26, my hospice nurse came out in the morning. He brought along I knew Nurse because he’s switching routes so I’m getting a new hospice nurse/case manager and she was going around meeting all her new patients with him. They came in and saw me sitting in the hospital bed in the middle of the living room and saw how pale I was and said I needed to go to the hospital and that I didn’t look well at all. I refused at the time but I had planned on going sometime later that week if things didn’t get any better. I was just trying to stay out of the hospital as long as I possibly could. Bad mistake.

like I said, that was on Tuesday. I felt awful but I had my phone about me. I understood everything, I felt like shit and walk to the bathroom if I had to. I couldn’t go up the stairs anymore though. I just couldn’t breathe. so that was Tuesday. The next few days are really fuzzy to me. I think it was by Wednesday afternoon I started losing it and losing control. My memories are all screwed up. I just remember sitting in the bed downstairs And talking to mom and watching things on TV and being up in the middle of the night just sitting in bed for no reason, not sleeping. I don’t know how to clean it. It’s so fuzzy. by Friday afternoon, all hell has broken loose.

I remember very little from the day I was admitted into the hospital. I was admitted into the hospital late Friday night, just before midnight. So technically Saturday morning. But mom called an ambulance on me because I was pretty much just sitting in the bed screaming, And moaning, and when I would talk I would only say one word sentences that made no sense. And I actually remember some of the work. I was just sitting up in bed screaming the word “diamond“ and “okey-dokey“ and shit like that over and over. My mom would ask what was wrong and I would just say diamonds or okey-dokey over and over. I remember some of that. I was mentally gone and when I wasn’t making any sense I was screaming at the top of my lights. I remember my mom telling me over and over and over and over and over to stop screaming because the neighbors will call the cops because that’s how loud I was being. But the reason I was screaming is because I couldn’t breathe. And I couldn’t convey any of my thoughts outside of one word sentences that made no sense.

here comes the embarrassing part. Except I’m not that embarrassed to say it to you guys because you’re my best friends. in the last 24 hours of being admitted, I was peeing and pooping in the bed. I’m not sure. I had a potty chair/bedside commode by the hospital bed that I was in, in the living room, and I couldn’t even make it to there. I remember consciously sitting in the bed and thinking that I had to go really badly but I couldn’t move so I just soiled myself right there in the bed. I lost control of my bladder and my bowels. When my mom came down Friday morning and found me laying there covered in urine and pooping in the bed, that’s when she really really wanted to call an ambulance. that must’ve terrified her. One of the reason she didn’t call the ambulance is because after what happened to me in Cleveland, both times, she promised me she would never call an ambulance until I said it was OK to call the ambulance. And apparently I was in the bed taking her not to call the ambulance yet so she was just following my orders that I had laid out from before. so she cleaned me up and change my clothes and that’s why she kept trying to get me to talk and I would only use one word answers. Then around midnight I went to the bathroom all over myself again, in both ways and I was sitting in the bed screaming and yelling out those one word answers and just yelling at the top of my lungs. so around midnight my mom cleaned me up again, and by this time I couldn’t even move. She had to undress me, clean me up, and then redress me oh by herself and then she called the ambulance around midnight Friday.

DMV aunts came and rushed me to Saint Joe’s hospital. I don’t really remember that much. I remember the sound of the sirens and the EMTs coming in and having to lift me off the bed onto the gurney. I remember them trying to get an IV in the ambulance but I hadn’t eaten in a month and was so dehydrated they couldn’t. I remember arriving at the hospital and just not being able to breeze. By that time I can only communicate in grunts. I was so gone. Honestly, the first few days in the hospital? I’m not sure what’s real or not. Which memories are real or not, because I lack so much oxygen to the brain that honestly some of my memories are just fucking made up. I’m actually going to set my mother down tonight and talk to her and ask her which memories are real and which art and what happened the first three days in the hospital because honestly, I don’t know. I remember somethings but I don’t know if the real…

what happened to me? Why was I fine on Tuesday but soiling myself on Friday? The doctors think it was a combination of my neurological disorder and me internally bleeding somewhere slowly. Somewhere inside me there was a slow internal bleed and that’s why I was so pale and unable to breathe. I had six blood transfusions while I was in the hospital lol. I probably shouldn’t laugh at that but… Wow. it was the closest I ever came to this. My doctor said that, my mother said that, and I fucking agree. My mom said it because it was the first time that even my mental faculties were gone. when I was discharged from the hospital that Doctor said my hemoglobin score was the lowest score he had ever seen in his 30 year career. The doctors and nurses said my score was the lowest score they had ever seen, with that person actually surviving. they had never seen someone with that low of a score survive, let alone remain conscious. They kept drilling that into me. That nobody has ever walked away from that Louisville score before. I think they were doing that because they wanted to make sure I didn’t wait so long to call the ambulance again the next time. And yes I said the next time because they think it will be a next time. They never found the bleed. It’s still in there somewhere. It’s just… Stopped for now. But it could start up again at any time.

The next thing they’re doing is making me take that test where are you swallow a pill and it’s actually a camera. That way they can look for the bleed in the areas the endoscopy can’t reach. So they have to schedule that. They’re trying to do it quickly because the normal score is in the range of 12 to 14. When I got to the hospital, my score was two. So yeah that was pretty low. I can’t get my medical records until the middle of the week next week, and when I do I’m going to take pictures and scan them in to show you all the levels. I should not be alive right now. I should not be alive right now. I do not know how I made it through that. Hopefully I can beat the internal bleed to the punch and get this test and find out what’s wrong before fucking starts up again. I almost lost it in there. I was floating in between fantasy and reality and right now I don’t know which is which so that’s all I’m going to say for now until I talk to my mom and try to sort out my thoughts and my memories.

So yeah… Crazy month, am I right? What else is now.… By the way, my mother pretty much save my life. And I have to give her props for cleaning me up and taking care of her daughter when she was 33 years old and laying in her own filth and respecting her wishes and not calling the ambulance until I gave the OK. but I gave the OK kind of late so I already called my mother in the hospital that if this happens again, do not wait for me to say yes. Just call the ambulance before my levels drop and I actually don’t survive the next time. My mom said OK. So I have that safety plan in place but yeah.

I know my mother and I have had some hard times, especially over my aunt who my motherfucking told that I was in the hospital when I asked her not to and I’m pissed off about that but considering my mother saved my life I decided not to bitch her out for it. It’s not like she ever listens to that anyway, she told my aunt everything so now my aunt fucking know so I’m just waiting for that time bomb to hit. But since my mother cleaned me up and continue to do so in the hospital, what kind of person would I be to yell at her for that right now? I don’t want to be like my aunt or my mother in some respects. I’m upset that she told my aunt but yeah, she cleaned me up and got me to the hospital. I’m going to let this one go.

like I said, I am so fucking fuzzy on everything that happened from Wednesday the 27th to about Sunday morning. I’m talking to my mother tonight to see if I can please so until then, this is my little helper today. I am most hit the dust again. fucking shocker. Hopefully they can find the bleed before it starts bleeding again but at least if it does, I know the symptoms and I can get to the hospital a lot sooner. That way I don’t need six fucking blood transfusions and a miracle like I did this time and apparently God… For once.

so how was your Thanksgiving? mine was eventful.

Turning onto no… That was the scariest week of my life. I honestly felt myself end it was you moments I do recollect screaming in pain and not being able to breathe my last moment from home, and then coming around in the hospital still not been able to breathe… I thought myself floating away. I was terrified. I remember trying to talk and just being able to grunt and moan and stare down and just… OK I just burst into tears thinking about it so I’m just going to end this for now lol. I’ll post more when I clear up my memories better. That’s just it for now. I need a break.

[morningpages-louise]

september 08, 2018

Hello i am writing from cebu, yup, still here, hanging tight lol its 12:12 wew on september 8, a friday night. i'm home, ofcourse. candy, sweet adorable candy who has just gotten a haircut is sitting in front of me in the black lazy boy we've had for years. i'm enjoying listening to my tunes on my mom's bluetooth beats headphones. it's noise cancelling and the sound is quite impeccable but im quite scared someone will try to sneak up on me and read my thoughts and judge me so im currently trying to balance my laptop perched on my left thigh. I just finished watching a couple of youtube videos, but my mind was racing on other things, such as the stuff i have yet to do. lol im literally the worst.. i literally had 2 weeks to do nothing but these tasks and i have failed. i haven't even watched my darn underwear. so now im feeling the pressure of time and i have to choose between relaxing myself and enjoying my last few moments with my family and my work and professional life huhu its okay. imma try my best to balance it. i recently got work as a transcriber, easy peasy, but i can't even focus on that cause like my priorities man. first its with my fam, then my next priority is time to prepare for my OS in AIESEC. So the job is pretty much my 3rd priority. and then i also have to think about the NYC itinerary. uhm, im okay. im also a shit person for putting these all off. during the start of the break we always think we have more time than we actually have. im sad that i only got the groove of things now, when its too late. SADNESS. pero okay lang. im going to miss mornings where i wake up and can literally just spend hours scrolling through my phones cause like no responsibilities. and im going to miss going down and seeing muffin and candy but alas i might go. i always feel more productive when im in manila. like when im in cebu i feel like im being sucked in a hole of unproductivity cause i want to spend as much time with my family, but when im in manila its just like work work work. it could be the hustle and bustle of the city but its good, at doeses. we should always make sure to find time to deflect and just chill the fuck out. i think i will continue my guava pass next next week, after the wedding because for sure i wont have time to do it while the wedding is going on. i guess that's what makes the fact that im going to manila so soon not so bad, in terms of homesickness. nikki and my mother will be flying to manila next friday for the wedding so that's great. ugh i will also miss ofcourse watching terrace house with nikki and laughing at the characters, especially taishi and yusuke. i will miss spending time with my beautiful mother who i love so dearly. watching cat creature's video vlog of her stay in paris with her mother made me hope that one day i will be fortunate enough to earn a salary and raise enough money to bring my mom to places she's always dreamed of travelling to. ugh that would be beautiful. i cherish my mother even though at times i may not show it. i love her dearly. i love her so much. so yeah im feeling pressured af because nikki is also having the same job as me and she is already working, meanwhile im just trying to live. i also have to think of my mentrep idea. maybe i will just choose not to sleep tonight? lol okay with me as long as im productive lol this toxic schedule i did not really miss. i really need to piss. but yes. maybe i shall end this note with what im grateful for since its been a while since ive shared. honestly i love how relaxed my stay here is but im also excited to get in the groove of things. im excited for a fresh new start once again. this term, i will work hard and give it my all. i will grow. it's like the last leg of the year so let's make it a home run and make it a year to remember shall we? i have a good feeling about the next few months to be honest.. let's do this senior year. omg i just realized. how fast time flies. throwback to my frosh days huhu dani sent me a photo of my frosh self in lpep and im just shookened. by the people ive met, the opportunities ive gotten and where i am now. 3 years ago today, i was a totally confused froshie who didnt know where yuch or sj building was. i wanted to get out of the block system so badly because i didn't feel like i had a solid group at that time. everything was so new. i was dying in college algebra. i was hella homesick. and now im here, wishing i were in manila instead of here because manila has become home. looking back at it now, i feel like im still that same person but maybe its always like this you know. we always feel like we're the same person. it's not until we take a step back and look at ourselves that we see how much we've changed. it's insane. maybe i havent changed as drastically as my friends, aka kris and kathy lol but i know i have changed in some ways. im more responsible. i have a somewhat clearer vision of what id like to do in life. i know what's important to me. its crazy. i wish my present self could meet my frosh 17 year old self and show her just what college will be full of. she could guide her on what to do like study fucking algebra its not that hard, tell her who the people who will fill her life with rich memories are so she doesn't have to waste her time with the wrong people and tell her that it will be fine. everything will work out. it may seem like scary, untouched territory at the moment but goddamnit you will grow so much in the next 3 years. you will figure yourself out more. you will adult, as boring and unexciting as it sounds, it can actually be quite fun. ugh its insane talaga. i guess i am grateful for everything lol so damn vague and broad. i dont know. im grateful that i always have myself to come back to. no matter how tough life may be, im here. i've always been here. i will get through anything as long as i pass through. i am here. i am aware. i am aware of everything i have. all the opportunities i have. all the things that i will one day lose and because im aware, i will not take these things for granted. because i know. i am aware. i just have to goddamn remind myself this quote all the time. i often think too much. i think its a symptom of living talaga. we're all faced with the dilemma of thinking too much and thinking quite unnecessary thoughts at that damn these mosquitoes ruining my mojo but yes. we must learn to roll with life's punches and live goddamnit. revel in happiness and live. flow with life. constant reminders we must always remind ourselves. so yes. im grateful that i am here and i am aware of all that i currently have and will soon have. thankyou. thankyou thankyou. what i am not grateful for is mosquitoes goddamnit.