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nade2308 · 6 years ago

Text

Love lasts forever

Written for: stanclub2k followers milestone challenge.

Prompt: "Who hurt you?" with Stucky.

Pairings: Stucky (Steve Rogers x Bucky Barnes).

Other pairings: Sam Wilson x Riley and past Bucky Barnes x Brock Rumlow

Characters: Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson, Riley (minor appearance and mentioned), Tony Stark (mentioned), Natasha Romanoff (minor appearance), Brock Rumlow, Jack Rollins (mentioned), Alexander Pierce (mentioned) Barnes and Rogers families (mentioned).

A/N: Thank you @stanclub for organizing this challenge. It was fun to get another story out in such a short time. I wrote a part for this story last month but lost the inspiration for a bit. Then another story took over my time and I thought I'd have time to finish it. I never thought it would get past 3k (before ideas started pouring in my brain and discussing it with my friends was proving to spur my muse). In the end I have this story that's 9.3k long (the last three days were spent writing fervently).

Thanks to @lisamott9 and @82tweeder for the help and encouragement on this story.

...

“Are you sure you don’t mind?”

“Nah, it’s okay. I need to meet more friends anyway. Tony’s advice.”

“Can’t believe I’m agreeing with Stark, but you really need to, my friend. Okay, Steve. See you at 8.”

“I’ll be there.”

Steve hung up and looked at the clock. It was almost 5 and he knew that if it wasn’t something really important, Sam wouldn’t insist on bringing his friend with him last minute.

The next 2 hours were spent in sketching and outlining a logo for his next project. Steve needed to figure out the colors and how to combine them. Scratching his head, he thought about asking Sam. He took a picture of the previous logo and one of his drawing, and put the sketch into his drawing folder, before he went to his room.

Steve never cared for his appearance, always opting for casual, but tonight he felt like he could dress up a little bit. He picked his favorite navy blue button down, and the new pair of navy blue jeans he bought last week. He also put on some of the expensive - overpriced - cologne that Tony gave him for his birthday, and Steve had to admit that the fruity smell was nice. It reminded him of his late mother’s lemon pie, God bless her soul.

He took his bomber leather jacket with him, put on shoes and locked the door of his apartment behind him.

…

Bucky was miserable.

Absolutely miserable.

On a scale of 1 to 10, he was a 15.

He was angry. And mad. For letting himself go back to Brock. For giving him more ammo to hurt Bucky. Every time he closed his eyes he saw Brock in the throes of pleasure, with another man in bed. Right now he was pacing like a caged animal and judging by Sam's glare, he was wearing thin Sam's patience and support. And Sam was getting frustrated because he repeated ‘Damn Barnes, you’ll wear a hole on the floor’ more than once. But he couldn't stay in one place. Probably why he agreed to go with Sam and his friend at the bar.

Sam really liked Bucky and hated to see him so bothered. As much as Sam tried to warn Bucky not to get back to his ex, love was blind and it wasn’t exactly Bucky’s fault for falling in love with the wrong person.

A heart doesn’t choose, Sam’s mom would say right before kissing his father in front of Sam to rile him up.

Sam smiled at the memory, but he was brought back to reality when he heard a noise in the kitchen. Sam stormed in the kitchen where there were shards of glass and spilt water on the floor. Bucky looked like he was on the verge of crying and Sam wanted to tear Brock piece by piece.

“Hey, it’s just a glass.”

Bucky didn’t say anything, just looked at the mess on the floor.

“Why don’t you go and get ready, Bucky? I’ll clean this up.”

“No, I’ll-"

“James, please.”

Sam rarely used Bucky’s real name, unless there was a point to be made. Looking at the red and swollen eyes of his friend, Sam knew Bucky got the message.

“I’ll go and shower.”

“You know what would be great? Run a bath.”

“Come on, Sam, I’m not in the mood to do that.”

“What you are at the moment, is in need to get yourself back to normal. You need to care about yourself for once Bucky. You need to see yourself before the others. Go and have a nice bath. Use your favorite shampoo. And just relax.”

Bucky stood for a moment, deep in thought, weighing his options. Then he nodded, wearily. Just having his favorite shampoo at Sam's and Riley's place said a few things about him. Like the fact that he spent lots of time there.

The buckets of Rocky Road in the fridge did too.

“Do you by any chance have that lavender essential oil?”

“Do I have-? Barnes, who do you think I am? Of course I do.” Sam always had the flair for the dramatic. But it pulled a smile out of Bucky so it was worth it. “You know Riley loves that shit after you hooked him on it.

“Not my fault the guy has taste, Sammy.”

“Call me Sammy one more time Grandma Barnes…” Sam waggled a finger.

“Catch me if you can, Sammy.”

“You little shit!” Sam called after Bucky but Bucky was out of earshot already. Laughing, Sam set the timer on the coffee machine to make coffee for himself and Bucky and went to clean the kitchen floor.

…

Bucky rummaged through cupboards until he spotted the bottle with the lavender oil. He ran the hot water to the temperature he liked. Then he applied a liberal amount of oil. Bucky eyed some candles and decided to light a few to help him relax more. When everything was set, he stripped in front of the mirror and looked at himself for the first time after the shit with Brock hit the fan.

He looked gaunt, his cheeks were hollowed out, sharper than ever, the smudges under his eyes a permanent fixture he never tried to hide. His eyes were bloody and red-rimmed. And his body… he looked horrible. He was never the one to have too much weight but where he had muscle and was lean, he was skinny now and the muscles were almost non-existent.

Bucky took a deep breath. Things needed to change

Letting his mind float while he had his bath, Bucky thought only of only one thing. Meeting Sam’s friend and getting hammered. Okay, maybe two things.

…

A mug of coffee waited for him when he got out of the bathroom.

“Sam, you are an angel.”

“For putting up with your sorry ass? I am a saint.” Sam jabbed from his place on the couch, watching reruns of a TV show Bucky never got to watch. Maybe he will now that he actually had the time.

Bucky parked himself in front of the tv himself, sensing Sam's eyes on him.

“You okay, Bucky?”

Bucky let the voices in the background tune out as he thought about Sam's question.

“I think that's a loaded question and you know it Sam.”

“I have time.”

Bucky sighed.

“You were right the first two times. Brock is a bad habit. I thought I could change that. Change him. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't ask anyone to change for me, but I think I wanted the old Brock to come back. And then I just deluded myself that he was not the person he is…”

Sam nodded in thought.

“I did some thinking. Well all I do these days is think,” Bucky laughed dryly, “but I came to realize that I should work on myself more. Not let the thing with Brock hold me back. Think I gave him enough of my time and life already. And I promised to myself, this time whatever happens, I come first.”

“Atta boy. That's the spirit.”

“If he cared for me half as much as I did for him, he wouldn't do it.”

“That's right.”

“I know what you'll say and you have every right to. But I… I don't know why I did it. Why I kept going back to him. God I'm a mess.” Bucky put his face in his hands.

“No. You are not. You acknowledged the problem and you are willing to see it go. You may not think that, and I blame that asshole for fucking up with your brain, but you are worth it Bucky. Worth to love and to be taken care of. So, good riddance Brock Rumlow.” Bucky smiled. Sam’s reassurance and support meant a lot to him and if it wasn't for him and Sam's boyfriend, Riley, Bucky didn't know where he'd be today.

“Not to mention, it'll take time Barnes. But you took the first and most important step. The rest will come along in its own pace. Just don't rush it.

“Thank you Sam.”

“You don't have to thank me. Now go. I picked you an outfit for tonight. It's in my room.”

Bucky laughed. Typical Sam.

…

Bucky was dressed in a plaid shirt and black tight jeans that Sam swore accentuated his ass. Bucky glared at him with Sam replying “you have to get it out there to be seen, hon” in his best imitating a woman voice. Then he slapped him on the ass.

Bucky giggled because Sam may have been a drama queen sometimes and knew how to get on his nerves, but he was a great friend.

They got at the bar a little before 8 and as Sam turned his head around to look for his friend Bucky felt like he was in a dream. He was faced with someone he knew a long time. A very long time.

Deja vu. But it couldn't be, could it?

Sam chose that moment to go and meet his friend. Which turned out to be Bucky's deja vu.

Bucky stood frozen on the spot when he saw the tall, blond man greeting Sam. It wasn't a dream after all. "Steve," Sam's voice sounds distant in Bucky's ears, "this is the friend I mentioned. James. But he goes by-" "Bucky?" Sam raised an eyebrow, looking from one man to the other. "I guess you two know each other then." Sam grinned like he just won the lottery. "Y-yes... Bucky is my childhood best friend." "Met this punk in a back alley behind the place where I lived as a kid. Turned out he lived three houses down from me." Bucky smiled as he remembered 6 years old Steve all skin and bones against the wall defending a boy his age from a bully. "We became friends. This jerk has helped me out fighting a few bullies himself." Steve smirked. Bucky smiled sadly as he continued the thread of the conversation. "Went to the same high school even. Then... We sort of parted ways when we went to separate colleges. Haven't seen him in a while." A while being 3 years. "Great to see you man." Steve exclaimed, happiness radiating off of him. He eyed Bucky with a nostalgic look and something that even Bucky couldn't understand. Bucky smiled, despite the feeling of gloom that was there since breaking up with Brock. Steve had that effect on people. Especially on Bucky. Steve was a balm to his soul. "Can we please at least get drinks from the bar and find a booth before you two eye fuck each other right here?" Sam rolled his eyes to finish off his statement. Steve sputtered and blushed, no one has joked about him and Bucky being in a relationship in a long time. They used to get that speech from everyone (even their parents) when they were teenagers. "We are not-" "Relax, Stevie, Sam is joking. Boy just wants to get this party started." "See this, Stevie, Barnes knows me better than you do." "Okay, okay. How did you two meet anyway? Ganging up on me. Bad, bad boys." Steve's voice was chiding but he was also smiling so it lost all effect. "I'll leave that story for another night." "I'll hold you to that." Steve said and sent Sam a warning glare. "Another thing you should know about Steve is, he's like those small pitbull terriers. When they get on to something, good luck with plucking them off of you." Sam shook his head, wondering what he got himself into. "Two shots of vodka, Sammy. That work for ya’ Steve?” Steve nodded. “It's settled then. We'll find us a nice booth." Bucky said and dragged Steve with him. "Get your own vodka, Barnes!" Sam's voice carried over even as he walked towards the bar. "Bite me." Sam turned to the bartender and ordered their drinks. "Swear I'm dealing with actual children. What did I get myself into?" "Friends can be goofs too." The bartender grinned and winked at Sam. "Two shots of vodka for the goofs then and for me... surprise me." The blond placed the shots in front of Sam and glared. "This better be the last time you try to flirt with me like we haven't been together forever Samuel." "I love what my flirting does to you, babe." "Get your ass off my bar Wilson and go join your friends." "When you finish come and join us?" Riley nodded and shooed Sam away. …

“How have you been Buck?” Steve used the first available opportunity to start a conversation.

Bucky looked at him, weighing the question.

“You mean like, right now or…?”

“I mean you, Buck. How have you been?”

“You want the blunt version or the sugar coated one?”

“C'mon Buck. You know me. You can tell me everything.”

“I… um… I ended up my relationship few days ago. So not the best? But getting there.”

Steve hummed in sympathy and his blue eyes never left Bucky's face. The Bucky he remembered was always a cheerful person, and everything about him screamed “confident”. But this Bucky? It was obvious that he was in pain and it wasn't just something recent.

How did they get to this point? They used to tell everything to each other.

"Who hurt you?" Bucky was taken aback by the question. He blinked hard and focused his eyes on Steve. The look on Steve's face was inquisitive but also caring. What did he do to deserve Steve in his life? "You seem like you are in pain, Buck. And there's not an obvious physical injury - and I could tell if there was one - so it's not that kind of pain." Bucky forgot that Steve was one hell of a perspective guy. "I'm right, then." It wasn't a question. "It's a bit complicated." "I have time." Sam chose that moment to join them with their drinks. "What have I told you about eavesdropping, Wilson?" Bucky sounded annoyed but used to, like Sam had done this before. "It just happened. And to answer your question Steve, because this goof won't ever admit it if he's hurting unless it's a stubbed toe-" "Sam..." "He hurt himself." "Sam, don't-" "This fucking idiot - and you are an idiot Barnes - let himself get back to his ex for the third time. And that vile piece of scum-" "Sam, please..." Now Bucky had tears in his eyes and Steve's heart did a weird thing. He wanted to punch whoever did this to Bucky. He would do everything for Bucky. It's been a long time since he felt like this for Bucky. Maybe he didn't bury those feels as deep as he thought. Steve was very protective of Bucky as it was but in the end he had to distance himself or else he would have risked their friendship. And as much as he wanted to see them together, the possible rejection by Bucky had Steve surrendering himself to a life without his best friend. And for a while it worked. But to listen that Bucky got hurt from his ex hurt Steve too.

Sam looked from Steve to Bucky and seemed to see something because he chose to not say anything else. He sat on Bucky's left while Steve came closer to Bucky's right. Steve could hear Winnie Barnes' voice in his head "see Sarah, those two have no sense of personal space whatsoever". "I'm sorry if it sounded harsh, but I just look out for you. You are my friend Bucky. Hate to see you hurt." "I know Sam. I know." Bucky felt at ease with both Steve and Sam by his side. He knew Steve longer than Sam, but Sam was a great friend - they both were - and Bucky was grateful that God sent them both at the same time to him because of the situation he was in. Bucky was aware that Brock was an asshole and that after the second break-up it was only the need to go back and have that semblance of normal relationship. They had something good going at the start, Brock wasn't so bad, but after a while everything changed. Bucky wasn't sure why he started crying. It certainly wasn't because he wanted to go back to Brock. But he didn't give himself enough time to heal after discovering Jack Rollins in the bed Bucky and Brock shared. It hurt and it stung. More than the previous break-ups. Steve saw something in that moment and maybe ingrained from years of being Bucky's best friend or maybe from just wanting to comfort him, but he moved at the same time Sam did. Call it instinct or coincidence. The hug was unexpected and if Bucky sobbed on Steve's shoulder in the process, no one had to know but him and Steve. And maybe Sam. It felt like relief, being held and comforted, for him to rely on someone instead of being the crying shoulder. Maybe he needed this outlet. "There, there." Sam drew soothing circles on Bucky's back while Steve held on Bucky tight. Steve didn't like when people were hurt, especially Bucky. And even then he always went out of his way to make him feel better. After a while Bucky lifted his head and looked at Steve, sniffling. "Thanks, Stevie. I'm sorry I'm a mess." "Don't mention it, Buck. Your mess is my mess, too. Want to tell me what happened?" "Maybe another time. You back to Brooklyn?" "Yeah. I think LA got enough of me already." "I'm glad." "Hey Steve..." "Listen Buck..." They both spoke at the same time and giggled. It was like old times, unaware of Sam rolling his eyes at them and leaving them to their own devices as he went to the bar to get more drinks. "You first." "No, Stevie, you first." "I was gonna ask... I haven't heard from you for a while and... um, you have the same number, right?" "No, I don't. My phone was stolen few months ago and when I went to get a new one... they said that they couldn't recover my contacts. If I'd known that you were a friend of Sam’s I would've asked him." "Don't worry. Now we found each other again. And I'd like to see you more now that I'm back. We have lots of things to talk about." "True." And certainly there were things you couldn't say over the phone. ... The rest of the night went smooth. The initial thought of Bucky getting hammered flew out of the window when he met Steve again. Catching up with his best friend was more important than alcohol and maybe that's what he needed. To talk and forget for a while why he was there at the bar. Now that Steve was back home everything looked easier. What Brock did to him was still there, it would still hurt, but with Steve beside him, Bucky found it could be bearable. Sam called it a night shortly after Riley joined them when his shift ended. Sam wanted to have some alone time with his boyfriend before Bucky decided to join them. "So, Sam and the bartender, huh?" "Yup. Don't tell me you didn't know." "I knew he had a boyfriend but never met him." "How did you two met anyway?" "In college. I minored and he majored in psychology. We stayed in contact even when I moved to LA." Bucky nodded and was wondering how they hadn't met before Bucky... He chased those thoughts away because he didn't need his gloomy mood to ruin the night. "The world is small." Bucky concluded. "Definitely. So, I have a suggestion. I assume you don't have your own place..." Bucky smiled. "Yes, you guess correct. The break-up didn't go well and I... I am crashing at Sam's ever since." "Well if you wouldn't mind, you can come stay at my place tonight? Give the boys some privacy." Bucky wanted to say yes. He really did. "It's not like we haven't had sleepovers before, Buck. Plus I have enough space. What do you say?" And how was anyone able to resist Steve when he asked them with those Bambi eyes? "Okay. I concede defeat." "My place then." "Your place." They both found out that Sam paid for everyone - and after an extensive torture (the taxi driver had to laugh when Bucky tickled Steve) - Steve admitted they may have talked about things when Bucky went to the bathroom. They finally arrived at Steve's place. It was... spacious to say the least. Bucky took it all in and gaped. "This is... amazing Steve." "Thanks. You wanna watch TV and order in or you want to go to bed?" It wasn't late, barely even 11.30 and Bucky certainly had nothing else to do on a Saturday night so he agreed on the offer. After a while he was relaxed enough to doze off. Food in his belly, the distant sound of the voices on one of the crime shows they played late at night and the warm presence of Steve. For the first time in the last week things were on the 'up' side. And waking up covered with the softest fleece blanket ever made was a nice bonus. …

Bucky found a note on the night table that read "See you later, had to run to the store." Bucky felt warm and fuzzy, both from meeting Steve again after so long, and because he was covered in this soft blanket that brought back memories from his childhood. Bucky stretched cat-like on the couch and sighed. The sun was up, and warmth spread in the living room of Steve's apartment. Judging by the note Steve wasn't gone long, but Bucky figured he could lounge a bit more. Steve was always the early bird, Bucky preferring to stay under the blankets for "5 more minutes, please Stevie". And being the night owl continued well into adulthood. Old habits die hard. Bucky let himself close his eyes again, relishing in the softness of the cushion under his head and the sun caressing his cheeks. He wasn't asleep, more like drifting off and thinking of him and Steve. When Bucky was 7 he met Steve in that back alley, trying to fight that bully kid for picking on one of his peers. Steve was 6 at the time, all skin and bones and a strong will. The numerous ailments didn't help him most of the time, Bucky remembered numerous days when he had to bring homework to Steve and tend to him. Sarah, Steve's mom was a nurse that sometimes took double shifts to bring home enough money so they could make a decent living. By the time Bucky was 8, the Barnes' had adopted Sarah and Steve as theirs. Bucky smiled as he remembered Steve becoming even more of a fierce fighter at school and back alleys. The moment he became a teenager some of Steve's medical conditions receeded. Not that you could do much about food allergies or asthma, but he got better. To everyone's joy. And about the time Bucky started to notice that he was feeling something more for Steve. Something that wasn't just friendship. Coming out wasn't easy. Bucky thought that Steve could tell Bucky had feelings for him, but then, Steve had known him for a better part of his life then and supported him in everything (no matter how stupid it may have looked at the time. Steve had a moto in life: you won't know if you don't try) and Bucky being gay didn't put Steve off. With time Bucky tried to quell on his feelings and desires. He felt guilty that he jerked off to the thoughts of his best friend, like he was dirtying up their friendship. And Steve was straight (at least as far as their high school discoveries went). Those internal struggles made Bucky stronger and soon he was able to blame his mood swings to the teenage hormones coursing through his body when in reality it was Steve going out with Connie, then with Bonnie and finally starting a relationship with Peggy Carter. The night Bucky learned about that was the first time he got drunk. And cried until he couldn't. Bucky opened his eyes when he felt tears stinging the corners of his eyes. He knew it was bound to happen - the trip down memory lane. After that, their friendship kind of fell to the backburner, Steve went on dates with Peggy and had little to no time for Bucky. Bucky used that spare time to bury himself in his school books. When Steve was 17 his mom died from cancer and even though it was a horrible event, Bucky had his friend back at least. Soon after, Peggy announced that she was leaving to go to college in London, back to her roots. A messy goodbye with lots of promises but Bucky knew nothing would come out of it. Something in Steve broke when Sarah died. Something not even Peggy could help fix it. Bucky sighed. He didn't need to think of the past. It was as it was, they went their different paths, he became a mechanical engineer and Steve went to art school. Then a job opportunity came at him when a renowned gallery from LA loved his drawings so much they asked for him straight away. And it turned out they weren't accepting 'no' for an answer. The second worst hangover Bucky had was the morning after Steve left for LA. It was a bit hurtful when Steve said to Bucky that night, that nothing tied him with Brooklyn anymore. Bucky wanted to yell at him that Steve had him to stay for. But Bucky could not ask that from Steve. It wasn't Steve's fault. And Steve deserved the best and not Bucky holding him back from what he could do once he got his wings. Bucky could move on. He'd done it before. The contact between them was far and few and after a while it was reduced to birthdays and holidays. Steve was always busy and after a while Bucky landed a job with Stark Industries so it wasn't like he could spare time. Then along came Brock. Something that started as a fling and ended up breaking Bucky's heart more than once. Bucky was sure he liked Brock. Maybe even loved him. Never as much as he did Steve but loved him nonetheless. Bucky couldn't pinpoint the exact moment when Brock started acting strange but he was more controlling, never showing too much affection and the periods after Bucky would break up with him until Brock came to ask for forgiveness were longer each time. Bucky tried to erase the image of Brock and Jack out of his mind, but he couldn't. He also knew their last attempt was a desperate cry for help, Bucky's for that matter but he thought he could make things work. Turned out that Brock was stringing him along the whole time. But like Sam said, 'good riddance'. Bucky took a deep breath and checked the clock. He was awake for total of 20 minutes. Steve should be back any minute. Bucky decided that taking a shower wouldn't hurt. ... Clearly the shower was not the greatest idea Bucky had because he forgot he had no clothes with him at Steve's. Luckily he had his phone on the counter. Embarrassing as it was he fired off a text to Steve. Bucky was glad they exchanged numbers last night. An answer came right away like Steve was already back. ‘Second door to the left. Guest room’. Bucky thanked his lucky stars and hurried off to get dressed. Steve developed physically while in high school but he apparently got more buff because the sweater and sweatpants were hanging on Bucky a bit. Or maybe he should hit the gym again and return to his normal weight and gain some muscle. Definitely worth thinking of again but he'd care more about it later. Now he had to face Steve. It smelled of cinnamon and bacon and eggs and toast and Bucky was drawn to the food as a moth was drawn to a flame. "Morning Princess. How was sleep?" "It was good. Really good. So, food?" "Always straight to the point Buck. There is bacon and eggs, toast with butter and cinnamon rolls." "Can I have all?" "Suit yourself. And I suppose both orange juice and coffee." "You know me the best Steve." They spent breakfast in a pleasant silence, enjoying their food. "So listen Steve, I had absolutely a great night and this breakfast is amazing but I gotta go." Steve's face fell and Bucky wondered if it was because he'd planned something for them or something else. "Uh, okay, but we'll see each other again, right?" Bucky nodded with a smile. "Now that I found you again, I'm not letting you go." Steve chuckled and that adorable dimple on his chin appeared. One of the many little things that Bucky loved about Steve. "I gotta work on a project for Monday. I've been slacking off ever since... and I want to get it over with." "It's understandable." Bucky was ready and by the door when he was pulled in a bear hug. He got lost in the embrace. Steve hugged like a koala clinging on a tree. "Still giving the best damn hugs in the world, Rogers." Bucky exclaimed. "I have to keep my reputation." "Thanks." "For what?" "For everything." "Don't mention it, Buck. Always." …

The next few weeks were spent in catching up. What Steve did in LA, other places he visited, his work and all the little details texts and calls couldn't cover. Bucky learned that Tony, his boss and friend was also Steve's friend. How the universe connected Sam and Tony with Steve without Bucky's knowledge was beyond Bucky. It was one week until Steve's birthday and both he and Bucky had a day off. When the offer came to spend the afternoon at Prospect Park and grab a bite afterwards was attractive enough that Bucky agreed immediately. If Bucky was honest with himself, Steve got him at food. It was a nice and sunny summer day. Bucky was enjoying the sun and the slight warm wind while Steve held his end on a small talk and sketching. Bucky always loved seeing Steve in his element. Nature always had that effect on him. "Hey, Steve?" "Hm?" "I wanna ask you something. You don't have to..." "What?" "What made you come back to Brooklyn? I like that you are here again, but it seemed like you were doing well at the gallery. Getting to create your own art. Be yourself." Steve closed his sketch pad and turned to look at Bucky fully. "Pierce, the gallery owner was a bit eccentric." And by bit Steve meant completely. "He was trying to convince me to try and change my style and I didn't want to. We bickered more than agreeing on things. Plus he led things his old fashioned way and for a while things didn't click. We had a big fight. We didn't reach an agreement. That's all." Bucky nodded and seemed like he was trying to understand why. Still something didn't add up. But he figured it was a thing they'd discuss another day. For now he just let himself enjoy the day with Steve. …

It was another month of texts and Skype sessions before Steve and Bucky had a chance to see each other. Stark made a deal with a company for new metal prosthetics and Bucky was the lead engineer on the project, being it his idea. He barely had time to see the inside of his home (he finally found a decent place at the start of August).

The time he got he devoted to Steve. Bucky didn't know if it was the few times he saw Steve or the fact that Steve was back in his life, but the feelings he had for his best friend started to resurface. Or maybe he was still healing and his broken heart clutched on every safe option. But in the end Bucky came to a realization that he always loved Steve. You truly love only once in your life and all that.

Seeing Steve so live and animated was worth every heartache. Bucky’s eyes were closing and he kept from yawning, only Steve's voice from his laptop speakers kept him from falling face first onto the keyboard. "So this client - she wants to buy this painting and she insists on the price that it's too high, when in fact the painting was not for sale. It’s decoration on the wall and we... Uh Buck, you okay?" "Huh? Wha?" "You look like you are tired." "That's because I am." Bucky couldn't stop the yawn this time. "Why didn't you say so? My thing can wait." "Nah, please go on. I am-" yawn "-awake." "Uh-huh. I can see that. Look, I have a day off tomorrow, so maybe if you can, we can go to lunch?" "Sure. Tony gave me 3 days off. We finally closed this project and he said I deserved a breather. To be honest, I planned to spend 2 days straight on sleeping." "You can still sleep and have lunch with me?" Bucky couldn't say no to that adorable Golden Retriever staring at him. Steve always knew when to use them puppy dog eyes and Bucky fell for them every single time. "Goof." "That means we'll see each other tomorrow, right?" "It's a date." The second those words got out of his mouth, Bucky panicked. He knew he shouldn't talk with Steve when tired. When tired or drunk, Bucky always said things he tried to keep locked inside. "It's a date." Steve grinned. That night Bucky lay in bed, unable to fall asleep. ... Steve was nervous. What should he wear? He knew it was just a lunch with Bucky. And with Bucky he didn't have to put up an image. Bucky had seen him at his worst and wouldn't care even if Steve appeared in sweatpants. But still, Steve was panicking inside for a bit because it was the first time Steve asked Bucky out. It felt like asking out. He was also afraid that he was too eager when Bucky said "it's a date" last night. Fact was, Steve’s feelings not just returned, but intensified. But he had to squash down on those hopes. No way Bucky could feel the same for him as he did for Bucky. Steve schooled his features as he saw Bucky entering in the restaurant. Once Bucky noticed Steve a grin lit his face. They hugged and sat down. "Hey there stranger." Steve joked. "I don't know who the stranger is here, Rogers." Steve had a quip ready when the waitress interrupted them with bringing the menus.

“I'll have hash browns.” Bucky concluded after a moment.

“I'll have the same, thank you.”

The waitress wrote down their order and retreated. They made small talk until their food arrived. Steve telling Bucky about his almost-sale yesterday and Bucky elaborating on the prosthetics he worked on. "I think that it will help vets and accident victims that lost their arm or both arms. It's this metal, vibranium, that gets shaped in the form of the other arm and there is a mechanism that will connect the nerve endings of what's left in the arm to the wires inserted in the prosthetic. You can move it and everything. It's still new, got the idea couple of years ago but started developing it last year. Tony thinks that we can start the trial period. I just have to figure how to make the vibranium lighter. Don't want the prosthetic to weigh more than what the other arm does and to cause more problems than solve them." "That's amazing, Buck. Truly a great idea. I'm sure lots of people can benefit from your research and the end result. Hope you figure it out soon." "Thanks. And the best thing is Tony - he made a deal with the VA in Brooklyn, that we'd give discount to those that can't pay full price for the prosthetic and in case the person is not able to afford it we'd give it for free. That's actually how I met Sam. He volunteers there." "That's wonderful and humble, Bucky!" "It's mostly Tony. My idea with his finances. I think that after he learned what his father's partner did with the weapons... He's trying to redeem himself for letting it happen in front of his eyes." "Yeah, I heard. Too bad it fall all on the Stark company and Tony as one half of the partnership." "Yes. But Tony did good on selling that company and starting his own. I was lucky to get the job when I did." "How did you come up with this idea?" "Curious as always..." Bucky sighed. "Remember that car accident I was in 2 years ago?" "Yes. Why?" "I might have... not told you the full extent of my injuries." "You what?" "I was seriously injured. My left arm was broken in a few places and my shoulder was moved out of the socket. It was a painful and slow healing process. Hurt a lot. What was the worst, for a while I couldn't move the arm. Had to do everything with one arm. So I thought, if I felt like this with my arm at least being attached to my body still - and possibility of getting it back to fully functional - how does it feel to those that don't have it anymore?" Steve looked like something physically hurt him. "I'm okay now, Steve. Don't worry. Have some scarring on my shoulder and chest from the surgery but I'm okay otherwise." "Okay if you say so. But - next time you tell me if something happens. Everything Whatever it is." "Deal."

“I mean it. Don't make me question you.”

“I give you my word.”

“Good.” …

Brock was watching Bucky and the blond with him closely for a while now, only seeing it was Bucky when Bucky laughed at something the guy with him said. Something in Brock stirred then and he got up from the table he sat on, alone. Jack gave him the boot soon after Bucky found them together and now he spent most of his days wandering around and eating in restaurants. Alone. When he saw Bucky it was like he struck gold. Brock decided to make his presence known by going to their table. "Well hello there, Bucky." Bucky froze and he dropped his fork. The loud clatter made Steve carefully place his fork in the plate and look at the man that joined them. Apparently Bucky knew him. "Buck, who's this?" Steve asked calmly. Bucky meant to tell Steve about Brock. He really did. But when their reunion happened it was a fresh wound, one that Bucky didn’t one to talk about. He just delayed the inevitable. Until he didn't think of it anymore. But seeing Brock in the same restaurant where he had lunch with Steve wasn't how Bucky wanted things to happen. And now Steve wanted to know who the guy was. "You are Bucky's new guy, huh? No wonder he ditched me last minute. And here I thought I did something wrong." "Brock..." Bucky didn't dare look at Brock. He was too shocked by Brock's words. "Did he tell you he tends to get back to me? He always does. Don't know what took him so long this time." "You and I both know I won't get back to you!" Bucky spat and finally looked at Brock. He could feel Steve's eyes on him. "We'll see about that. So, Bucky's new fuck buddy, nice to meet you. I'm Brock-" "Fuck off, Rumlow!" Bucky suddenly roared. "Get out! You have no right to come here and barge in on my lunch with whoever I want to go out." "I think that I actually do." "Excuse me?" Bucky heard Steve clear his throat but he was too busy staring at Brock, scared the man will try something. "Let's walk it out, buddy. No need to make a scene." "I am not making a scene, just wanted to-" "Let's walk it out." Steve punctuated the sentence with grabbing Brock by the arm and dragging him out of the restaurant and on the sidewalk. Bucky watched as Steve talked and Brock got more annoyed with every second. And then Steve swung with his fist and landed a punch square on Brock's face. The rest of the people at the restaurant watched in awe. Steve said something else and then got back inside. By that point Bucky started to come down from his shock and the brief adrenaline rush for speaking up to Brock - something he hadn't done before. It was a first and scared him. What if Brock came for him. What if...

"Buck?" Steve's voice sounded like from miles away and not next to him. "Bucky... pal, what is it?" It's only then that Bucky has moved his head to face Steve. "Yeah, Stevie?" "Are you okay?" "Yeah... I..." Bucky cleared his throat, but the unfocused look into his eyes still present. "I'm okay." Steve didn't say anything after that, but something told him that the guy interrupting their lunch was Bucky's ex. The way he talked about Bucky and assuming Steve was Bucky's "fuck buddy". Steve felt better for punching him. That will teach him not to mess with Bucky. "Serves him right, you know?" "What does?" "You punching him... he deserves it. He's a douche. I just can't believe how was I able to stay with him for so long?" "We can't order our hearts how to feel about someone Buck. It's over now." "But I was so stupid. God knows what shit he's been talking about me and I was with him- What he did-" "Hey," Steve put his hand over Bucky's on the table, rubbing soothing circles over Bucky's wrist, "You are worth more than what that asshole thought you were. You are strong and smart and pretty. You don't need him to feel better about yourself. Those that truly know you for who you are, would not give a damn about what he says about you. His words are a twisted sense of reality. And fuck his opinion on you. It doesn't matter to me Buck." Bucky smiled. It was just a lift on the corners of his mouth, but he smiled nonetheless and Steve counted that as a win. And then: "You think I'm pretty, Stevie?" Steve laughed and that seemed to break the tension.

“From all that I said, that’s the part you stumbled upon?”

…

Bucky poked at his hash browns, trying to finish his meal, but with not much of a success. Instead his eyes moved to Steve's right hand and the red skin of his knuckles. "I think you should put ice on that. It's gonna bruise." "I know. And I will." "Let me get it for ya'. And the check. I think I'm done eating." "Same. But you don't have to. I'll-" But Bucky was off like a shot before Steve finished his sentence. A little off balance but nothing that made Steve worry too much. Natasha, the waitress that served them had ice ready by the time Bucky reached the counter. She smiled politely and handed the ice as Bucky asked for the check. The least he could do was to pay - after what he put Steve through. He thanked Natasha and went back to Steve.

“Put this on your hand.”

“Once a worrier. Always a worrier.”

“I can't help it, Steve. It’s ingrained in me.”

“What do we do now?”

“Take me home? Please? I'm not in the mood for anything else than curling on my couch and watching TV.”

“I can do that.” Steve smiled and as a true gentlemen helped Bucky that was trembling slightly.

“You don't have to.”

“I want to. Where else could I be?”

“Dunno… somewhere.”

“Not leaving you alone, pal.”

Bucky smiled weakly.

“Okay.” …

Bucky placed the keys on the table next to the door and kicked off his shoes before plopping on the couch. Sam managed to find it on a garage sale and the thing was the most comfortable piece of furniture Bucky sat his ass on. It helped that it came in his favorite color - blue - and that there were two blankets and couple of pillows that came with it. "C'mere Steve,” Bucky patted the couch. “What do you want to watch?" "Whatever you want Buck." "Okay then." Bucky flipped through channels to see if there was something interesting and he stumbled upon a rerun of ‘Without a trace’. "Haven't seen this show in ages." "Me either." They settled against each other in comfortable silence and as the episode progressed and the FBI found that the girl lied that Dr. Sardo was her biological mother it was race against time to find them both. Bucky inched closer to Steve and placed his head on Steve's shoulder. Steve in turn moved his arm to envelope Bucky in a half-hug. As the episode ended and the credits rolled, Bucky sighed. "Steve, I want to tell you something." Bucky's voice was barely above a whisper and if Steve wasn't so close he would've missed it. "Yeah? What is it?" "I... about Brock. I know I should've told you before that my ex-boyfriend is... a piece of shit." "It's okay, Buck. You don't have to say anything if you-" "I have to. Because I came to realize that the real reason I was holding back was you." Bucky moved his head off of Steve's shoulder to look at Steve. Steve looked surprised, and his face was one big question mark. "I'll get to that... and I'll understand if you won't want to have ties with me after this." "What's wrong Bucky?" "When I," Bucky took a deep breath "when I first met Brock, he was great. Charming, lovely. Someone I could see myself being in a relationship with. He was attentive. Took me to dinner a few games. There were even dates that he whipped out of the blue. I worked at a hardware store before the Stark gig and he'd come there at night. Walk me home. I fell for him. Hard." It was difficult for Bucky to get it out. The way his life seemed to be on the upside one moment and the next it was a giant snowball rolling down a mountain hitting a tree. "It lasted for a while. Before he started acting strange. He worked as a security. Freelance. Started picking odd jobs, coming home bloody and bruised. I had to patch him up." Steve smiled sadly. "Sounds familiar." "Yeah, but that's where the similarities end. You always picked fights to help people that actually needed it. Brock picked fights for those with deeper pockets." "You said..."

“He worked as a security at first, yeah. But while he lied to me it was low security job I learned from someone close to Brock that he was actually roughing up guys that couldn't pay the racket a mob boss wanted from them." "Jesus." "I confronted him. He said it was a lie. I yelled. It ended bad. I left. After a week, he came banging on Sam's door at 2 am. Smelled of cheap booze." "God, Bucky." "He pleaded with me. He promised he won't do it again. I believed him." "Shit." "Yeah... And the second time. And the third. Don't know why... I used to tell myself that it's because people change so maybe he'd go back to that gentleman I fell in love with?" Steve sucked in a sharp breath. To hear Bucky loving someone else than him stung more than every scrape and bruise he got. "I'm not anymore. I think that seeing him today at the restaurant proved that to me. That I fell in love with him right when he started lying to me, and gave empty promises. I gave him so many opportunities Steve..." "What happened Buck?" "He cheated on me. With one of his buddies. I caught them in our bed."

“What?!” Steve was furious. He was ready to go find Brock and give him more than just a punch. "That motherfucker! Why didn't you tell me Buck? You know I... Hell, I wanna beat him so bad. How could he do that to you." Bucky chuckled and shook his head. "It's not worth it." "You are worth it. Everything." "Well he fucked me up. Made me feel like I am not enough for him. Because he found someone else easily..." "God, Bucky." "But, I'm okay now. And maybe, I like to think that what happened between me and Brock and meeting you at that bar - that it was fate." "What are you talking about, Buck?" "Promise me you'll hear me out before... Before you make a decision." "But I don't-" "Promise me?" Steve looked at Bucky. His eyes held so many emotions, and Steve couldn't read most of it. But something in his voice sounded important. Pleading. "I promise." "You remember when I came out?" "Yes." "Remember when I told you that this boy I knew made me realize that I am not straight. Girls didn't do a thing for me Stevie. But this boy - all the fire in his eyes and soul, the spirit. He was small, but with a big heart. The most beautiful golden hair and blue eyes. My best friend." Bucky closed his eyes tight. He wasn't gonna cry. He was not! "What...? Bucky?" "It was you Steve. The boy that made me realize I was gay, it was you. I've loved you since I was 15." "10 years?" Steve opened his mouth and when nothing came out of it, he closed it. Bucky opened his eyes. He willed himself not to waver, holding Steve's eyes with his. "I know what you'll say. You are straight, and I'm your best friend, but the only person I loved my whole life is you. I tried to bury it inside. It hurt so much. To see you flirt with one girl, then another. You may have been small but girls were all over you. You were my Steve but I had to share you with them." "Oh Bucky..." Steve was on the verge of tears himself. "Let me finish, please? Today's encounter with Brock made me realize that I could love again. Another person. But never as much as you. You'll be the first and last. And even if I never have you... I'll manage. I did well until now, right?" Bucky smiled and tried not to gasp as he felt his heart tearing itself on half. "The night you took Peggy on a date I got drunk. Cried so hard I made myself sick. Your mom... she found me in the bathroom, throwing up. Asked me what's wrong. I felt so wrong. So dirty. But I had to tell someone." Steve blinked rapidly but to no avail. A tear slid down his cheek. "She... she told me it's not wrong. And that you loved me too. But I knew that she was just trying to make me feel better. I was a mess." Bucky took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I put all of this on you. Really am. But it's been a long time and the last few months just proved to me that I can't keep it inside anymore." "That's why you looked like a kicked puppy the night I left for LA. When I said I didn't have anything else to tie me to Brooklyn anymore." Bucky nodded unable to speak. "Buck? Look at me." Bucky did. "I wasn't entirely too honest with you about why I returned to Brooklyn. Part of the reason was the disagreement I had with Pierce. The other part... the stronger pull - this person that will always have that effect on me... you Buck. I came back for you." Bucky choked on a sob, unable to hold anymore. It was a rollercoaster of a day. "I've loved you since forever Buck. I thought you'd never see me as more than your best friend." "We are idiots." Bucky managed to choke of before he tried to calm his breathing and wipe tears clumsily. "Yes... I guess we are." ... Another rerun of "Without a trace" ended as Bucky snuggled deeper in Steve's embrace. After they cried their souls out, they cleaned up and returned on the couch. Bucky was not able to do much more than sit and take it all in. He did something brave today. He confessed his love to Steve. And to know Steve felt the same... it was too much. Bucky needed time to process it all. For now he was content in Steve's embrace, listening to his heartbeat. The breaths that came like short gasps evening out. He could stay like this forever. "Buck?" "Hmmm?" "Can I kiss you?" Bucky figured that with all cards open between them both it was the least they could do. "Yes, I'd like that." Steve moved his hand from Bucky's waist. Carding his fingers through Bucky's hair his hand rested on Bucky's jaw. Bucky tilted his head, smiling Steve met him halfway through. The second their lips met, Bucky felt electricity coursing through his body. God, did Steve know how to kiss. Licking at the seams of Bucky's lips, Steve probed with his tongue as Bucky opened up and let Steve lead the tempo. It all ended too soon but Steve needed to take a breath before he kissed Bucky again. Bucky melted. The second kiss was even better than the first and if this was the beginning he couldn't wait to know how the rest of Steve's kisses would feel on him. "I love you Buck." "Love you, Stevie. I think it's long overdue." "Yeah. But we have all the time in the world. I'll never get tired from saying that I love you." "Me either." Steve's stomach decided it was the perfect time for it to growl. They both laughed. …

Eating take out lead to more kisses and a makeout session on the couch. It was like neither Steve nor Bucky could get enough of the other. Bucky suggested they move to the bed. Steve raised a questioning eyebrow and Bucky whacked him with a pillow then told him he planned on full on cuddling with his boyfriend. Similar to that night at Steve's when Steve borrowed Bucky some of his clothes, Bucky gave Steve sweatpants and a t shirt that he deemed good enough to pass for sleep wear. Steve looked at the t shirt that had a picture of koala on it. He smiled softly. "What?" Bucky enquired. "Nothing... just remembered that obsession you had with stuffed bears as a kid. Well bears in general." "I still do..." Bucky blushed as he changed himself in a t shirt that had a polar bear on it. "Where are they?" "I... didn't take much when I moved out with Brock. Now that I think of it, I don't know what he's done with my stuff." "We can go get them together. In my opinion, if there's still some part of the person he was before all this? He hasn't touched anything." "Thank you, Steve." "Always." ... In the morning Bucky woke up with Steve draped all over him. One look at the man he gave his heart to, long before today, and Bucky felt warm and fuzzy, full of life and love, a new hope on the horizon.

Bucky got all that he wanted and needed right there with him. And it was enough.

...

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