#[I have slept 3 hours. my anxiety is exploding through the roof. I feel bad about literally everything. I’m PRAYING I can call out of work

[godblooded]

feeling all kinds of awful in this chili’s this godforsaken morning.

[onceinabluehanguangjun]

into you like a train (1/5)

the holiday au that no one asked for :)

warnings: anxiety attacks, alcohol

| next

ao3

Lan Zhan was, to put it nicely, about to go insane.

He closed his eyes and let his head drop, his forehead hitting the counter with a gentle thunk. He was sure if he had to read one more “academic” paper with un-checked grammar and made-up facts and no bibliography in sight that his head was going to explode. His students were smart and he was definitely proud of them, but this was still his first year as a full-fledged professor and they seemed to be taking advantage of it. He’d asked his brother a thousand times if this was normal and had gotten far too many laughs in response.

“A-Zhan,” Lan Huan said, voice warm as ever as he stepped up beside him, “Give me half the stack, let me help.”

“No,” Lan Zhan insisted, sitting up straight again, “I’m going to grade all of them. It is my job.”

“If you insist,” he said, far too much amusement still there, “But the offer stands nonetheless.”

Lan Zhan took a few grounding breaths and managed to lift his pen so he could continue to grade. But it just made his brain ache and he was finding it harder and harder to keep himself up right.

“A-Zhan,” Lan Huan said again, fond amusement still so prevalent in his voice, “You should take a vacation over winter break. You deserve it! You’ve survived your first semester.”

“I don’t like vacations.”

“Ah, I know you don’t, but, ” his brother said, tapping his shoulder, “You could go somewhere remote. Maybe to one of the mountains in Yiling? It gets cold, but not so cold you’ll be miserable. And it’s beautiful up there, and quiet. Huaisang got a cabin up there last winter‒he hated it, the quiet, but I think you’d love it. I could ask him where he stayed.”

Lan Zhan slowly turned his head to his brother. He was smiling, fond and light and happy. For so many years, Lan Zhan had envied his openness and the easy way he let people in when Lan Zhan, to this day, struggled with even simple conversation with strangers and catching social cues. However, as they got older, Lan Zhan bore witness to his brother being crushed with heartbreak over and over, even getting upset over people he met in the street because of missed opportunities. Lan Zhan didn’t envy that one bit. He was very happy not feeling that towards anyone.

“It seems you’ve already decided I’m going on vacation,” Lan Zhan said slowly. Lan Huan brightened like the sun.

“Okay, it’s an early birthday present,” he said, caving far too easily, “Let me show you the cabin.”

Lan Zhan sighed as his brother went to go grab his laptop. It would give him ample amounts of silence for him to grade finals. It was also a month away, so it gave him plenty of time to get used to the idea. And, besides, he’d feel bad if rejected a birthday present. Maybe Lan Huan was right and it wouldn’t be so bad. And, if it was, he could just ask Lan Huan to never ever do that ever again.

Lan Huan came back with excitement on his face as he put his laptop right on Lan Zhan’s papers. He flicked through the pictures of the small, one bedroom cabin. It was fully furnished and looked homey‒because the owners often stayed there in the summers and rented it out during the other months. It would be so much fun, Lan Huan said.

“Why don’t you go?” Lan Zhan asked. Lan Huan gave him that look that told him he might’ve been a bit rude, but it bled away into a smile again.

“You’re good alone, A-Zhan, I’m not,” he said, “If I had someone to go with me, though, it’d be very romantic.”

“Ask Nie Mingjue,” Lan Zhan said like it was obvious. Lan Huan laughed, more jittery and forced as his face flushed red.

“Absolutely not,” he said, “I said romantic. ”

“I heard.”

“Of course you did,” Lan Huan said, shaking his head with a smile, “It’s just a good place to steal away into for awhile, whether by yourself or with someone you want to steal away with.”

“Mn.”

“You know, if you want to bring someone…”

“No, thank you,” Lan Zhan said easily. Lan Huan didn’t push, just tapped his shoulder again. “It will… be fun.”

Lan Huan hummed happily, “I hope so.”

-

A month later, Lan Zhan found himself on a bus to Yiling.

It wasn’t too far away, about an hour and a half to the Yiling bus station where he’d then take a fifteen-or-so minute cab ride up the mountain to the cabin that was nestled in an isolated part of the woods. However, it felt much longer than an hour and a half on that treacherous bus. He packed himself as small as he could and was so tense with everyone around him making noises of all kinds that even his noise-cancelling earbuds didn’t properly stifle all the way that his muscles were sore when he finally got away. It hurt to stretch his hand out from where it’d been clutching his phone with a death grip for the entire ride. 

He figured he’d love the cabin upon first meeting if only because he’d be alone.

Lan Zhan grabbed his bag and his briefcase and waited for his cab, counting his breaths. He couldn’t wait to be somewhere without people and was considering paying his brother to drive up to get him when his 10-day stay was up so he didn’t have to go through that again.

The cab ride was easier, but he’d already been riled up and he was as rigid as ever the entire ride. He paid the driver once they pulled up to the cabin on the left side of the mountain, a light layer of snow on the ground and on the roof. He nodded his goodbye and successfully found the key and let himself in before tears pricked his eyes.

He closed the door tight and put his things down gently, his hands coming up to press into his eyes as he involuntarily cried and tried to calm himself. He blindly navigated himself into the living room and wedged himself onto the floor between the couch and the table, balling up and breathing.

He felt a little childish, but he pushed those thoughts away. It happened. It’d been happening since he was young and there was no sign of it stopping. And it could be worse, so it didn’t matter. He didn’t even need Lan Huan there to hear his words of comfort: it’s alright, A-Zhan, you’re safe and I’ll keep them away.

Perhaps he wouldn’t need to pay Lan Huan to get him to come get him.

He stayed on the floor for the next two hours, long past when he stopped crying. He’d pulled out his phone and messed around on it to keep his mind busy. His sleeve stayed over his hand, keeping a barrier between his chin and his bare palm. The cabin was cozy aside from being cold since he hadn’t turned the heater on and he didn’t really mind being there. He’d been worse places. It wasn’t as comforting as his bedroom, but he couldn’t be picky.

Lan Zhan felt his eyes grow heavy once he calmed down more, considering just taking a nap right there on the floor. The only thing that stopped him was the chill that went down his spine and the 3% battery life on his phone. He crawled over to his bag and fished for his charger, still feeling tired and a little numb. He managed to plug it into the wall and tugged a blanket off the couch, turning on the heater before wrapping himself up as he returned to the spot on the floor.

He barely had time to get comfortable again before his phone started ringing.

“How was the trip?” Lan Huan said as soon as Lan Zhan answered. His tone of voice already said he knew how the trip was.

“I’m alright now,” he said, “The cabin is nice.”

“That’s good,” his brother said. Lan Zhan closed his eyes and rested his cheek on his arm. “Have you gotten groceries yet?”

“No.”

“Are you going this evening?”

Lan Zhan didn’t answer. He should go, but the idea of venturing out sounded like the worst thing he could ever do. He just wanted to go to sleep. Maybe then he’d wake up early and go before anyone else was awake and the stores would be relatively empty. 

“Do you at least have something to eat for tonight?” Lan Huan said, already accepting his lack of an answer as an answer. Lan Zhan thought about the granola bar and water bottle stuffed in the bottom of his bag. It was meant to be for the trip, but he’d felt a little too self-conscious to ever touch them.

“Yes,” he said. His brother sighed softly.

“Alright. But please go tomorrow, A-Zhan.”

“I will.”

“How do you plan to spend your night?” Lan Huan shifted, trying for a more upbeat tone. Lan Zhan shrugged and nuzzled his cold nose into his sleeve.

“Sleeping. It was a long day,” he said. Lan Huan hummed.

“Oh, right, is it snowing there yet?” he asked, “I know it’s up on the mountain, so you might get some snow.”

“I haven’t checked,” Lan Zhan said honestly. He couldn’t remember if he saw snow there or not and the windows all had curtains.

“Well remember to take pictures whenever you go outside, alright?”

“I will.”

“Well, I’ll let you go and I’ll call you tomorrow. Goodnight, A-Zhan, love you.”

“Love you too, Huan-ge.”

Lan Huan hummed softly in that happy little tone that always made Lan Zhan feel a bit more grounded. If Huan-ge was happy, then he was comfortable enough to handle the situation and A-Zhan just had to hold his hand until it was over. Maybe his hand wasn’t here now, but it worked all the same.

The phone call ended and Lan Zhan’s eyes felt even heavier. He adjusted himself to lay on the floor between the coffee table and the couch and used his arm as a pillow. He propped his phone up on the couch and adjusted his earbud before finding something mindless to listen to in the background before he opened his sudoku app.

He didn’t make it through one round before he dozed off.

When Lan Zhan woke himself up again, the entire room was pitch black now that the sun wasn’t even shining through the curtains. A small jolt of panic shot through his system as he tried and failed to gather his surroundings with his arm half numb from laying on it for who knows how long. His mind felt as if it’d been stuffed with cotton balls which was a sure sign that he hadn’t slept enough to full rid himself of the stress the bus ride induced.

Still, he managed to use his phone to find a lamp which he turned on and had to blink a few times before his eyes adjusted. They felt puffy and sore which, paired with his head, made him feel painfully young. He just wanted to lay down and have his older brother run his fingers through his hair until he fell asleep for real.

Instead, he pulled himself to his feet and tried to stretch out all the stiff parts in his body that came with sleeping on the bare floor. At the same time that his back cracked, he heard a noise outside that caused him to go very still and listen closely.

There was some shuffling and then fiddling with the doorknob and Lan Zhan was considering the logistics of suing Nie Hausiang for emotional damages. The doorknob fiddling stopped alongside a loud groan and followed by a whine and then a thud.

“Wen Ning! Open the door! I dropped my keys!” a man’s voice whined, a pathetic moan following it, “It’s cold ! Wen Ning! Wen Ning!”

Lan Zhan felt frozen as he tried to figure out what to do. Maybe if he stayed silent, the man would go away. Or maybe he wouldn’t. Lan Zhan stayed frozen in thought long enough that the man called out for whoever Wen Ning was again. His brilliant decision after that was to tiptoe to the window and peek behind the curtain as silently as he could.

It was dark outside save for the man’s phone which lit him enough to show that he was definitely not dressed for the weather. There was indeed snow and the sight of it jogged the faint memory of seeing it whenever the cab pulled up. It was colder now, he could feel it on the glass, and the man was in ripped jeans and a light sweatshirt. It didn’t take a genius to realize he was probably intoxicated and Lan Zhan couldn’t just leave him out there. What if he froze to death at the front door? That wouldn’t make for a good vacation.

After a few breaths and running over a couple of introduction lines in his head, Lan Zhan reluctantly opened the door. The man on the ground fell back with nothing holding him up and barely even groaned despite being only a few inches away from a stranger’s foot. Hazy, drunken eyes slowly trailed up Lan Zhan’s body and instantly made him want to shove the man back outside. 

“Oh, fuck,” he cursed, squeezing his eyes shut and lifting his head just enough to drop his head on the ground as some sort of self-punishment, “Fuck. This is Jiejie’s cabin, isn’t it? I gave the cab the wrong address, fuck. I’m sorry, man, just, my bad.”

“It’s… okay,” Lan Zhan decided, keeping one hand on the door while the other one rested behind his back. His thumb stroked the skin between his ring finger and his middle finger, a lame attempt at self-soothing.

“This is my jiejie’s cabin, I knew she wasn’t here so I don’t know why… Look, I’m Wei Ying,” Wei Ying said, speaking oddly steady for a man who could barely get himself into a sitting position. He looked up at Lan Zhan again through squinted eyes and his shoulders and head all dropped as he groaned. “And you’re handsome because of course you are. I’m really sorry. I’m gonna, uh, call my roommate and ask him to come get me. I’ll stay outside, out of your hair, I’m sorry.”

Lan Zhan was completely silent, watching him fiddle with his phone. It took a moment for him to get the right number and for him to put it to his ear. The whole time, Lan Zhan was wondering if it was irresponsible or not to leave a drunk man outside in the freezing cold paired with weighing the pros and cons of inviting a strange man inside with him. He seemed to talk a lot which typically meant he would expect talking in response. That was a con.

“Wen Ning, I fucked up…Jiejie’s, yeah...have I told you you were my favorite today?...Ah, Didi, if you tell your sister, you'll lose the title of favorite...It did not work last time!” Wei Ying, allegedly, said to the phone, laughing with his friend about friendly things. Lan Zhan was beginning to see the appeal of leaving him outside.

The phone call ended and Wei Ying looked back up to Lan Zhan, staring for a moment before he scoffed and shook his head, swearing under his breath. He swore a lot. Con.

"He's on his way, you can just pretend I'm not even here," Wei Ying said, scooting a little further outside. 

Lan Zhan took notice of his bare pale hands, his red cheeks, and the fact that his hair was beginning to look a bit wet from the snow hitting it and melting. His stomach twisted and knotted, only feeling more conflicted. It was wrong to leave him outside, even if he was annoying and drunk and strange, wasn't it? And this was his sister's cabin. What if she found out and got mad at Lan Zhan? What if she yelled at him? 

What if this whole thing was an elaborate scheme to kidnap him and keep him for ransom? 

Alright. Irrational. Lan Huan would invite him in without question. (Lan Huan also had a bad habit of picking up hitchhikers but that was a problem for a different time.)

"It's cold," Lan Zhan said. Wei Ying looked up at him and gave a little smile, one where his eyes got all squinty and he made a humming noise like his brother. Lan Zhan rubbed his thumb between his fingers a little harder.

"Don't worry about me, I have a high enough blood alcohol content to keep me warm," he said. Lan Zhan's eyebrows tugged together.

"That… isn't how that works," Lan Zhan said, "Alcohol can make you more perceptible to hypothermia."

"Aiya, you caught me," he said, laughing a little too loud. Lan Zhan considered closing the door on him again. 

Alas, he wasn't trying to deal with a dead body.

"You can come in to wait," Lan Zhan said slowly. Wei Ying blinked up at him, tilting his head to the side. 

“I don’t wanna intrude,” he said, smiling just a little. Lan Zhan looked forward, avoiding eye contact. 

“It’s cold,” Lan Zhan repeated, “This is your sister’s cabin.”

A little kindness goes a long way, Lan Huan’s voice seemed to echo in his mind, good karma, you understand. Good karma. Lan Zhan would allow this man to not die on his sister’s front door and maybe he would get a peaceful week.

“Well, if you insist, ” Wei Ying said.

Lan Zhan stepped out of the way as Wei Ying pulled himself to his feet, relying heavily on the door frame to get there. He was taller than Lan Zhan would’ve originally guessed from his crumbled state on the ground; they were practically the same height. Lan Zhan stayed out of the way as he made his way towards the couch. When he caught sight of his back, Lan Zhan was a little pained to see that his jeans and his sweater were both wet from sitting in the snow and he just let himself fall on the couch. Hopefully Lan Zhan didn’t get in trouble for that…

“So, what’s your name?” Wei Ying asked as he got comfortable, smiling up at Lan Zhan who stayed standing close to the door. There wasn’t really another place to sit and he wasn’t very comfortable with this situation. His head still ached and he wasn’t entirely sure his eyes were puffy from crying. So, standing was fine.

“Lan Zhan,” Lan Zhan said. Wei Ying smiled wider and nodded.

“Lan Zhan,” he repeated as if the name just fit perfectly in his mouth. Lan Zhan kept his gaze on somewhere past Wei Ying. “Nice, suiting. So, Lan Zhan, what do you do?”

“Teach.”

“Me too!” Wei Ying nearly cheered. Lan Zhan blinked a couple times. A teacher got so drunk he showed up at the wrong house? That didn’t seem like the type of person who should be teaching. “Eh, I swear I usually don’t get this fucked up. It’s a bad anniversary, you know, so I had to get a little drunk, it happens. But I do teach! I teach the little ones, but you must teach the bigger ones. You’ve got a face the little ones would walk all over.”

“University,” Lan Zhan said. Wei Ying seemed genuinely interested as he nodded. It was strange. “Music history.”

“That’s so fun! I teach little ones basically everything, you know. Except swords. I did swords training for years, but I never got to the level where I could teach it. Did you do swords?”

“Mn.”

“Good, you look like you’d be good at it. Anyway, I teach basically all of the children on this mountain that are in primary school. The school is small, but it’s good. They like it, I like it,” Wei Ying explained. Lan Zhan furrowed his eyebrows just a little. How big was this mountain that it had its own school? Or, maybe, how localized were the people that lived here? “It’s good, you know, to have someone who hasn’t spent their whole life on this mountain teaching them. It helps prepare them for when they go down once they have to go to secondary school and then the rest of life. Some kids I’ve met have never been off this mountain, did you know? It’s so surreal to just live so confined and safe in your space with all your friends and family without all the pressure.”

Why would they rent out a cabin in a place like that?

“I live on the other side of the mountain with my friends. Had a bit of a rough time in university and they suggested coming somewhere less overwhelming would be good for me, but now I think I’m the overwhelming part of it, ha! My jiejie said she missed me, though, so they got this cabin and stay when they can. Her husband’s got money money, so I don’t even feel bad. This cabin and there’s a few more that are rented out like this which brings in tourists but not too many. It’s nice. Am I talking too much?”

Lan Zhan didn’t even know what to say to any of that. He could hardly even process half of the words he was hearing. He took a moment to find a way to say anything that sounded like a proper response. Wei Ying didn’t seem phased. Wei Ying had all the attributes to be the most overwhelming person he’d ever met, and yet there was something about him that didn’t make Lan Zhan feel pressured to speak. That was rare.

“Is it a farming village?” Lan Zhan asked softly. Wei Ying nodded enthusiastically.

“Yes! That and many of the people that live here have been here for generations and have survived solely on passed down information. They’re all children of ancient herbalists, too, so all very, very smart. My friend, Wen Qing, she’s the only trained medical doctor on the mountain, but she mixes that with herbalism, so she’s probably the smartest person you’ll ever meet, but don’t tell her I told you that. But it’s such a tight knit community, very traditional, but in a good way. Half of the children I teach won’t go to secondary school down the mountain, though, they’ll stay here and take their parent’s spot in the community,” Wei Ying rambled again. Lan Zhan nodded.

Lan Zhan listened as he spoke, rambling about different little things. It was like reading a pamphlet of the village, like he had so much in his brain about it that he rarely got to share because everyone there already knew.. He never expected input or even made it awkward. Lan Zhan decided letting him in wasn’t the worst mistake he’d ever made.

Still, when there was a soft knock at the door, he let out a relieved breath.

When Lan Zhan opened the door, the man on the other side gave a polite bow. Out of instinct, Lan Zhan did the same which seemed to only make the man turn a bright shade of red. Lan Zhan stepped to the side to let him retrieve Wei Ying.

“Wen Ning, you got here so fast!” Wei Ying said. It wasn’t fast, Lan Zhan thought, it was probably closer to 15 minutes which was decidedly not fast. Wen Ning smiled nonetheless and grabbed his arm, helping him to his feet.

“Thank you,” Wen Ning told Lan Zhan with a polite smile as he held up Wei Ying’s weight. Lan Zhan nodded.

“This is Lan Zhan! He’s nice and he’s handsome, isn’t he?”

“Yes, Wei-ge, now come on,” Wen Ning said softly, tugging him towards the door. Wei Ying twisted a bit to wave at Lan Zhan goodbye as he was led to the car. Lan Zhan questioned if he should wave back, but he took too long trying to decide and Wei Ying faced the car again.

Lan Zhan closed the door and locked it, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

He needed a nap.

[atasteofchocolates]

Update 19/08/2017

I have so much to write about it’s unreal!  

So first of all I have just had the shock of my life! Sam has been asking Jade for them to have a baby... MY BROTHER WANTS A CHILD! We never thought this day would come! Mum so desperately wants a grandchild and now that I think of it... I’d love to be an Aunt. Apparently Jade said maybe in the next year or two but Sam actually wants one. Pretty sure mum and I had a heart attack in Costa. 

Secondly the other day I gave Blake my blog again to read my previous blog post. But I randomly got a message saying he loves me and he’s sorry that sometimes he can be a dick etc. Pretty much he read down on my blog to where I wrote about him not messaging me for a long time. It really hit him hard and ever since he’s been a lot more attached? That word doesn’t really explain what I mean but it’ll do. Pretty much over the past two days he’s been sick and on both nights he has asked me to call. Usually when he’s sick we don’t ever call but he has wanted to for the past two days. The first night he was scared because he has woken up shaking, sweating and throwing up. So I called and sat with him, telling him what to do to help and calming him down. Last night he couldn’t sleep because he was in pain and he rang up crying. He said his whole body hurt, his head felt like it was going to explode and his throat felt like razors. So once again I sat with him, he managed to fall asleep but I didn’t hang up. I know when I’m sick I wake up multiple times so I wanted him to know that when he wakes up I’ll still be there. I watched Reign while he slept and every now and again i’d here his breathing. It was calming for me to know while he’s sleeping he isn’t in pain. He woke up and said “Bub? Baby? I love you.” And asked if i was okay before falling back asleep again. Eventually he woke up fully. It was 1am for me and I had been in bed with my eyes closed kinda half sleeping. He sounded loads better and more like himself. We spoke properly for 20 mins before he had to get ready to spend they day with his mum and told me I should sleep. I like that he’s coming to me for comfort. However he also read my blog post from agessss ago. When we were a few weeks into the relationship and I wasn’t 100% sure if I wanted to date him. So now he is more conscious about annoying me even though if I could message him all day I would because nothing makes me happier then talking to him. 

This week has been really difficult for me. My anxiety has been through the roof almost every day. I’ve been late to NCS on most days because of my anxiety and I don’t feel like I have done much to support the group. However it has been nice hanging out with my new friend Hannah. We have loads in common like random music taste, dying our hair and love for doctor who. I feel comfortable around her however I feel like I’m spending a lot of time with her and not enough with everyone else. I want to make loads of friends on this trip, not just one even if she is a really good friend. We spend our lunches on the beach watching all the dog walkers and talking about our families and stuff. Then we usually play naughts and crosses with our security cards in the sand. I don’t know if I’ll stay in touch with her after this though. It would be good if we did but she is going to a different college so I’m not sure. 

I’m starting to get nervous about Blake coming down. Like even though there is a chance he might not. To him he is 100% going to be here in 4 months. He talks about it like he has already booked everything even though he hasn’t. But because of this, i’m getting nervous. It is probably not helped by the overwhelming anxiety this week but I can’t help but think about how I’ll feel on they way to pick him up. He will most likely be at a London airport so it will be a 3 hour journey at least. I don’t want to be anxious when I meet him but i’ve never been in a real relationship before. In December we would have been together for 8 months which is the longest i’ve ever been in one. I haven’t dated many people as I find it hard to trust. I trust Blake 110% but there is always a voice at the back of my mind whispering am I good enough? What if he wants to do things I dont? He most likely will want to do things I’m not comfortable with but we have talked about it loads and he said he would never force anything on me. I want my dad to go with me to pick him up, I know my mum will want to be there but I really want my dad to go. When I went to meet Nishat last December I almost had a panic attack but my dad got me out the car and we went for a walk and bought some mints before singing to the Moana sound track. I didn’t panic. I’ve never met a guy internet friend before and I’m always more shy around guys. But Blake isn’t just a guy. He is my boyfriend. I’m hoping that because We’ve skyped a lot and have talked over the phone that i won’t be as nervous. We say I love you over skype and I don’t freak out. We hug our laptops and send kisses down the phone (cringy I know) but I don’t feel awkward. So... Will I be that bad after all? I freaked out when I met bety but A) I’d never met anyone online before. B) I was in a foreign country. and C) We had only skyped twice and had never phone called. When I met nishat I was fine but we had called a lot, I was in England and we had skyped loads. Blake is the same as nishat in those terms. It’ll be in England, then in my home, my safe place. I’ll be with family. We have skyped and called loads. But also... I love him. So I should be okay. I have 4 months anyway. Now point panicking now.