#[Atz'lut v' Ta'avah]

[sins-of-the-sea]

'Maman? Maman?'

"(G) ........

"What are you doing, Phi?"

"I'm learning how to read!"

"Oohh! Can I learn how to read with you?"

"Sure! Follow my instructions..."

"Ow!! Phoebus! I hurt my knee! I'm bleeding!"

"Hang on, Guy! Let me press this cloth onto your knee so I can stop the bleeding! I'll get you back home!"

"Why can't I breathe? I can't stop shaking... I feel so hot... oh, no, it's happening... it's happening again! Please hold my hand, Phoebus! I'm so scared... please don't leave me..."

"I won't leave you, Guy. You're going to get better. I promise."

[sins-of-the-sea]

>*draws Gisela Ben Ghiat, Phoebus and Guy’s beloved mother who was expelled from Portugal to live in France, losing everything along the way just to make sure her boys have a home, even without a father.*

>Youtube autoplays “Bells of Notre Dame” and has “Deliver Us” next

Thanks, Youtube, I don’t need my heart anymore.

[sins-of-the-sea]

//I’m actually heading towards the end of My Brother’s Keeper and Atzlut v Tavaah, but I want to ask everyone who has been reading: how are you enjoying the story? Perhaps more than Ira et Avaritia, it’s much more personal a story because so much of people I know and love in my life are put in Phoebus and Guy, from their struggles with poverty to being social outcasts to Phoebus’ inability to stay in school to Guy’s reckless pursuit of love and validation.

Initially I was going to put in a bit of San-Gwong’s romance with Guy but I felt it was unnecessarily padding out where it wasn’t needed--as much as I love fluffy sweet romance, I am also the type of writer (and consumer) who cannot tolerate needless shoehorned romance (straight OR gay). That isn’t to say San x Guy is needless, it’s just disruptive given how Phoebus/Guy-focused the story is. If folks want some San x Guy fluff, I can always write them as their own thing.

One thing I do want to ask, though--I initially thought the story by far is heavily Guy-focused, with some Phoebus here and there. I thought I’d have to fill out more of Phoebus’ story, but I think... I wrote enough? Just more AvT to fill in the gaps, like 3-4 posts instead of another 11? What do you think? Do you think there is enough Phoebus’ side of the story to balance out Guy’s? Because I do want to complete the story soon, and I don’t want to pad. I miss RPing Guy goddammit. 

[sins-of-the-sea]

//I have a reason I haven’t done Guy’s side of his story yet, but here’s a sneak preview:

[sins-of-the-sea]

My Brother’s Keeper

Meanwhile, as the Master breaks Guy’s soul further...

Abena sighs. She looks onto the poppets on her desk, keeping her eyes on them as to track the missing Duchamp brother. "Still no sign of Guy... it's been over two weeks now. Where could he be? Why hasn't he come home y-"

Something happens before Abena’s eyes...

“...........th-that’s not my magic....w-what is this....

“.....Salt? What is this, I don’t use salt in my poppets...”

[sins-of-the-sea]

For the Master: A scented candle... labeled "Mountain Lodge."

Somehow, even underwater, it's temporally locked in a perpetually-burning state.

There's a note with it, unsigned, that says:

Since you're so jealous of us.

He looks onto the candle that is somehow still burning even while underwater. He grumbles a bit... then smirks. It still uses wax and oil to burn, yes? ”Sin of Lust. Come over here.”

Oh, boy, Guy is just enjoying being the Favorite Thrall of the hour. That is sarcasm, by the way. “Do you want me to put it out for you, Master?”

“No need. Just sit here.”

“What do you n-”

“Remember how the Nobleman’s Son was able to pay you enough to get that nice blue coat you got for your brother? The same one he complained about because it was the wrong color?”

The Master then proceeds to pour the wax directly into Guy’s eyes. Guy screams as he is momentarily blinded from the hot wax.

“I’m certain that’s not how the sex act works, but it’s the general idea. You mock me, I will use your gestures against you. If not you directly, then through my thralls. You are not the first. You will not be the last. I devoured this one’s Captain for being commanded to punch me, and I drowned a thousand souls for someone turning their ship into gingerbread. Take caution when you mock me. You may not be the one punished... but someone will be.”

[sins-of-the-sea]

Atz’lut v’ Ta’avah (8/?)

After Phoebus has been sulking alone in his cabin for a long time, the Captain is finally able to be allowed to speak with him. Phoebus now shares his story on how he and Guy are struggling with each other as brothers, starting off from the memories of his mother.

“Retroactively speaking, I knew what Maman caught. It was a great disease even today I am fearful of naming. I just knew it was reaching its tertiary stage by the time Guy and I were preparing for our bar mitzvah.”

“Say no more. I have a feeling I know what it is if you are fearful of speaking its name even today. I am guessing that if you did get doctors to assist her, they would use holy wood or mercury inunctions?”

“Yes, that is precisely it. Neither Guy nor I liked the treatments. Day by day, it was turning Maman into something she was not. And I feared it would become worse the more we did nothing about it.”

“I am deeply sorry those were the options of the time. I pray those doctors didn’t bleed you out of money you barely had any at the time for?”

Phoebus sniffs. “It was either those or food to feed us. Nothing Guy and I were doing was enough for both. Not to mention neither of us could hold a job longer than maybe a week. Either because of Guy’s temper or me just… not being a good worker at all. I always felt tired. I always just. Wanted to stay home and rest.”

“You were very young. You two were expected to grow up so fast, as well as to care for a little sister in addition to all this. At such a young age, you should be learning at your own pace while also enjoying your youth as children. I am so deeply sorry. So you tried to become a doctor? How old were you when you were admitted into the université? I’m assuming the Université d’Avignon?”

“Correct. It’s about a ten-minute walking distance from the Jewish Commune. I was fourteen. My rabbi made recommendations for me. He was the one who convinced me to study while Guy would work and pay for food and the doctors.”

“But that divided up your ability to provide at all. Students don’t get paid to study.”

“No. And it would take four years until I would officially become a doctor. Until then, I mostly focused on other general education. I was becoming extremely frustrated. I once tried to convince the professors to use my mother as a case study, but I was not taking those courses yet. Not to mention our status, our religion, our reputation in the community at all…”

Josep moves a little closer to offer a hand to Phoebus. This time, Phi took the courage to take it… and soon, he was embraced closely by his Captain.

Phoebus sniffs again, burying his face into Josep’s chest. “It was too much, Captain! Too much! Rabbi Astruc could only do so much for us. No one was willing to be kind. There were days when we couldn’t eat at all or afford the doctors. Not even in food or some other provision. We had nothing. And I just wanted to run away from it all and lie down forever.”

“I hear you, Phoebus. I understand you.”

“I was failing my classes, Josep. By the time I was getting closer to the courses that would introduce me to medicine, there were days I couldn’t just get up from the bed at all. I wasn’t being lazy, I assure you. I just. Couldn’t. At all. Guy can tell you… I would just lay there and cry nonstop. And by the time I would return to class, I would not be able to focus.”

“So naturally you would have to drop out. Something that would be shameful, I’m certain. Where did Guy come in? You said-”

“Now that I think about it… it wouldn’t have mattered in the end. When I told Guy that I was going to fail a critical class in the Université, for some reason, I was able to stay in despite not participating in over a month. And I would find out-”

“Oh!! Oh, no, oh no... He did the ‘twin switch’, didn’t he?”

“He did! And the professor caught him! The professor knew about the birthmark on my arm, and he knew I had a brother! All he had to do was ask Guy to roll up his sleeves like I usually do! And the absence of that birthmark on Guy’s elbow was all it took for the deception to be spotted!

“He did this on his own! Guy! Not me! I had no part in this! And yet the professor thought this was some sort of plan from the beginning! That I was cheating and dishonest and-”

“Phi.” Josep takes the type to raise his hands as a gesture for the younger man to slow down--not only because he is unable to keep up with what he was saying, but so he wouldn’t have to upset himself reliving a terrible memory. But even with Phoebus’ anguish, Josep can’t help but see something else beyond what he is being told. “It’s absolutely valid grounds to be expelled. Academic integrity or no, you were the one studying to be the doctor, not him. But besides all this... you know why he did it, right?”

“.............”

“Phoebus. Do you know why Guy did it? Your brother is smart, but an academic setting would be too rigid for someone like him. Besides the fact you are the older brother with more responsibilities, you are the one trusted to be the student for a reason. That is still one less son who could be caring for his mother and sister. Please don’t think about yourself for one moment, Phoebus. Think about Guy. Why would Guy take up your place while you are at home being crushed from the weight of expectations in the classroom?”

“.............N-no.... I don’t want to say he did it to try to save me. Th-that’s not like him....”

“So what is it? To deliberately sabotage your way to success? Do you truly believe Guy isn’t trying to help his family too? Or are you going to hold onto this belief that he is truly a layabout? I don’t know if you’ve ever considered this, Phoebus, and I am sorry to do this to you--but I need you to realize this: Layabouts don’t pose as their identical twin brother in an advanced university class for over a month in order to help him stay in school. Especially if the goal of being in school is to help their sickly mother.”

“............”

“It was over a month, yes? Over a month of posing as you so once you are ready to return to your studies, no one would be the wiser?”

“...............I wonder if he should have been the doctor…. The fact he passed those classes without taking the prerequisites first…”

“Not everyone is suited for academics. He has his weaknesses, and so do you. And yet if you two worked together, I am positive you would succeed in getting that degree with flying colors. Did he not help you study when you’re not on campus?”

“He…. *sniff* He did....”

“Like I said. He compliments you. Guy is far more supportive of you than you think. He can be selfish, yes, but he is selfish in the same way you are: he is simply trying to preserve his identity as his own person, not as just your brother. I genuinely never think he, for once, in the centuries we have known each other…. Would ever want to sabotage your way to success on purpose. Especially out of hatred or spite.”

“No. He wouldn’t. I know he chases away any woman I look at because he’s scared I’ll be walked out on like Pierre walked out on Maman….”

“There you go. See? He looks out for you. Just as you do for him.”

“But I’m not- .... at this moment I’m not-...”

“It’s all right. I know you are not ready to look for him right now. Just as Guy is not ready to come home just yet. Right now, though, I’d like you to eat. Can you come with me to my cabin, Phoebus? I assure you, we can be by ourselves for now.”

“I thank you, Cap- I mean, Josep. I’m ready to come out now.”

[sins-of-the-sea]

Atz’lut v’ Ta’avah (3/?)

“Brother of Phoebus Duchamp....

“Why did you agree to sell your soul to me?

“Guy Duch- …. No…. “Guy Ben Ghiat… “Lost son of Avignon… “Quarry of the Rhône…”

“Oh, Guy! You shouldn’t have! Your soul may be weak, but it is rich with history! Would you like to hear it all? I’m sure you would absolutely love it.”

[sins-of-the-sea]

Atz’lut v’ Ta’avah (7/?)

It’s been several days since Guy left the ship. He has not come back.

Will he come back?

Phoebus has been laying on the floor for G-d knows how long now. The clock on his wall has been ticking. There is a stillness he thought he’d never see again. A silence all too new, and yet too familiar. The lights of the candles create shadows of the golems that would deceive him of life lost long ago. Life he is forced to remember.

It’s just one little insult. It’s so stupid to be upset over. And yet Phoebus can’t be bothered to get up to apologize. Not with all he’s done for him. Done for Maman. Done for Noelle.

At least there is peace now….. Peace to be with Maman and Noelle…. especially Maman, who looked forward to Phoebus succeeding in life to be her Good Little Jewish Boy...

Just to be as himself. Happy. No comparisons to how much of an embarrassment Guy is. 

Just focus on the family.

No pressure. No one to breath down his neck or look over his shoulder. He can do this. He has to. He’s the firstborn. He’s the Good Son.

He can do this alone. With a sick mother and a starving sister. He’s not the layabout brother. Guy is.

He’s okay. He’s all right. He can do this....

He’s the Good Son. He has to.

[sins-of-the-sea]

“Where is he?”

The maestro had come indeed. But he did not come as a beast. While Forte possessed great magic power, his true weapon was his guile and his voice.  Forte knew it was easier to hate a monster: kill a monster. It wasn’t fair, but it was a fact.

No, if the Captain wished to strike Forte, then what he would have to strike was a frail older gentleman.  Forte came as he was in his “glory days”, full suit and wig: powder too, though with a long smear at the corner of one eye.

“His real father has come to take him home.  One who would not punish him for who he is.  One who does not use chains and isolation because he sees him as a burden.”

Forte was close now.  Confronting.  His eyes tore into the soul, pained but furious.  He demanded that his agony be seen.

“Do you see this?  Behold before you a man who was chained and isolated for ten long years.  Do you know what that does to someone?  I remember screaming in desolation and prying desperately to escape: wondering why. Do you see these eyes? Stare into them deeply. Do you have any idea.. what it feels like… to hear of my own son subjected to the same torture I had been?  See this face and make your excuses.

“What could you.. possibly say to justify that?”

(never-took-a-lesson)

Josep had to use every ounce of his being to restrain himself from just throttling the Maestro before him, for making such accusations about the nature of Guy's imprisonment. Not because of the unfairness of the imprisonment at all, but the insinuations laced against the Captain's character. His whole form bursts into a fog, becoming a shapeless figure that creeps in the shadows and steals souls in one's sleep. There is a breath, haggard and seething, felt and heard through his teeth. And yet the blades--and hands--are stayed. He is Wrath… but he knows anger comes from different places. And as such, they must all have different approaches.

"I do know what ten long years of isolation looks like. I do know what the enclosing darkness can do on a man--and child. I do know what the desolation and desperation looks, sounds, and even smells like. I have seen those eyes.

"I have heard the voice. I heard the song.

"I still hear them every. Single. Day. And I sail the seas with it ringing in my ears for years to come.

"….That is not Guy's song, Maestro. I assure you--you misunderstand his cries. For one, he is holing himself up in the hold on his own volition. Each of us of the Crew, even those unrelated to his anguish the past several months, have attempted to reach him… to no avail.

"Secondly, he is shackled not for punishment, but for his safety--and those of others. Several times these past months, entire sections of the city would be burned down in a moment of impulse, or he would fall into habits that would reinforce the causes of his anguish to begin with. I am certain you can see he is troubled, Maestro. A young man stunted throughout the centuries of proper growth and healing due to the reasons behind his pain repeated again and again like a cruel time loop. I did not want to shackle Guy, lord Maestro--I wanted to release him so he can rejoin us as fellow thralls of the Devil--and his only family left.

"If you truly see him as his father, then I give you full permission as his Captain to see him. Mayhaps you can be the one to convince him to stop his path of self-destruction. Though I will warn you this--he is as hardheaded as he is softhearted. Sometimes words intended for one part of him will go through the other, either hurting him or those close to him. And it's very easy to do either or.

"He is fiery, Maestro, in every definition in existence. A single wrong word may spark a great uncontrollable flame. Are you willing to step into the Hell Guy Duchamp eternally bound himself to?"

[sins-of-the-sea]

Atz’lut v’ Ta’avah (6/?)

Guy learns why the Master calls him the Quarry of the Rhône...

The young man takes a moment to gaze into the everlasting darkness as he bears the weight of the truth of his mother… and how he was nearly a sacrifice to the Rhône. “With everything that happened to Maman… I guess it’s little wonder she ran to some Christian man and got us Noelle?”

“A very frowned upon decision, regardless of faith. Pierre was more than determined to convert your mother and her two sons. He never liked you in particular. He always liked Phoebus more because he was the quieter, more passive brother–-and again. More compliant.”

“M-Master… please. I don’t need these reminders. I came to you to get away from Phoebus, not-...”

“Phoebus had all the makings for a brilliant student, especially as a doctor. Pierre tried to foster this–but it often resulted in separating you two. You didn’t like that. So you often got in the way. Your mother tried to foster your interests and talents, but Pierre determined them to be… unseemingly. Such as your growing desire to learn how to paint.”

“He… thought it was a waste of time. The arts were for impractical dreamers who waste coin. Phoebus had a similar interest in sculpting, but he couldn’t say it aloud.

“He was too cowardly.”

“It didn’t matter! 

“He was the favorite! The Good Son! Everything in our relationship with Pierre hung on a thread through Phoebus! He did everything he demanded! He studied! He went to Christian church! He declared Christ as his savior and walked away from our Jewish customs! All so we can still have a father who could stay with us and feed us, no matter if he liked me at all or not!”

“....He still walked away.”

“It had to be me! I had to be the reason he walked away! Even if Phoebus did everything as a good son and Maman was a good wife and Noelle was a good daughter, it all didn’t matter in the end because I wasn’t good enough. I always insisted on skipping mass. I always questioned Pierre when it came to the Christian interpretations of our Jewish stories. I always shouted at him whenever he did something that made Maman cry. And I- …”

“...I accidentally lit Papa’s rosary on fire during that evening as we tried to sneak in candle lighting for Rosh Hashanah that night. Pierre didn’t say anything to me for the rest of the weekend…

“And then he walked out into the rain. I chased after him. I lost sight of him. I never saw him again.”

[sins-of-the-sea]

Atz’lut v’ Ta’avah (1/?)

"You are a curiosity, Guy Duchamp. I have always wondered, of the original Four Thralls of Mactan.....

"You were the weakest soul. The most reluctant to make a bargain with me in order to receive my gift. You. The Sin of Lust. Who could have asked for any lover, or lovers, in the world, to be yours. And yet.... here you are.

"Though over time... you grew stronger. I suppose all you needed was time. That fever that nearly killed you did you no favors. You have your brother to thank. He is the reason you sold your soul to me, wasn't he?"

"....Yes, Master. I am gracious you took my bargain despite the fact I made it with my brother in mind as opposed to myself. Do I offend you?"

“Oh, hardly, my son. You are not the first to make a bargain with me for altruistic reasons, nor will you be the last. Parents and offspring, sibling to sibling, lovers to lovers, kings to country. What drove me was not their drive of love, however. It is vice. Vice that refused to be acknowledged.... and vice I can use. I have no use for your love. It’s your lustful soul I wanted.”

Guy balks with disgust. “What are you suggesting, Master?!! I held no lust for anyone at the time I was dying! Are you-”

The Master waves a hand to reassure his thrall. “Oh, goodness, no, not for your brother. I won’t go there. I know you can barely look at your own face when you are bedding with anyone, let alone see your brother’s.”

“I suppose there was Mr. Josep Frascona, but even then...”

“It’s not lust in this regard, no. Initially there was infatuation, but it faded quickly to admiration. I suppose the ‘lust’ you have for who is now your Captain was hardly the sexual kind nowadays.”

“What do you mean?”

“I heard you whisper when the fire broke out, Guy. You called him ‘Papa’.”

“....... I cannot claim him as my papa, Master. I was... thinking of someone else. Besides. I am just the Captain’s colleague and the Crew scout. I cannot force myself in the position Josep’s son. Not when he has his own family to mind, and the fact our age gap isn’t all too great. Thirteen years. He would not be a suitable father for me in any regard.”

“Fair enough. But you cannot call him ‘big brother’, can you?”

“.......................”

“That’s Phoebus’ title.” As soon as the Master says this, Guy lowers his head to hold back a cry.

[sins-of-the-sea]

[sins-of-the-sea]

"Anonymous, you better not pull off bullshit metagaming and just outright tell Phoebus about our Maman's secrets! Or mine! Let Phoebus live in blissful ignorance! He doesn't have to know!"

[sins-of-the-sea]

//Thanks a lot, Tumblr, for shadowbanning the one post I have been holding onto for nearly a week because of its subject matter, only to confirm my paranoia.

At’zut v’ Ta’avah Part 10 is here in case it doesn’t show up on your dashboard. Be warned: it’s the post that Guy finally talks about his experience as a kept man.

[sins-of-the-sea]

//I’ve read somewhere that in Jewish law, pre-marital fornication isn’t exactly frowned upon?? It’s mostly when an married wife fucks someone who isn’t her husband that gets everyone really pissy. And some homophobia there, but Phi is bisexual, he’s not shaming his brother for sleeping with men on principle. It’s how easy he is and how often he’ll go through partners like tissue paper.

Maybe one can blame his prudishness on the fact he was abused by his stepfather in an attempt to get him to convert to Catholicism, so at some earlier points of Phoebus’ life, he was raised under a bit of Catholic mentality despite trying to be faithful to his Jewish roots.

I don’t know if Pierre was particularly horrible to Guy was because of latent homophobia, as Guy is the one with a more traditionally masculine personality of the two brothers. Or maybe despite Phoebus’ more compliant disposition in childhood, he’s seen as the more feminine of the two. I don’t know. I don’t know what are French Catholic attitudes of the time and it probably shouldn’t matter anyway because Pierre left when the boys were six. It’s too soon to say if he left the family behind because of toxic masculinity or homophobia, especially considering the attitudes of both are not the same in 1500s France.