#[[the asks wont actually be deleted. it will stress them out though! glad i finally got to reveal this im excited to drop more lore]]

[autobots-in-training]

Holy shit, are arcee's creators decepticons!??!?!

First Aid- Huh???

Springer- Hey Aid, what's wrong?

First Aid- Its a weird ask. Accusing Arcee of being a decepticon.

Springer- Her creators are decepticons? How would that word? Pretty sure she wouldn't have gone with Windblade and Chromia back then if she were a Con.

First Aid- This is a really mean accusation. Arcee isn't a con. She's our best friend. Any asks about this will be deleted and blocked!

[extremelyaverageincrediblynormal]

“13 Reasons Why” triggered me into therapy.

I am not kidding. I hate the word “trigger” because it’s such a meme, but it really happened.

I was actually very excited when I heard that there was going to be a TV show about suicide and mental illness, and that they were going to give people who maybe haven’t had to struggle with mental illness an idea of what someone like me has to go through. I felt like, somehow, this would help break down the stigma. I had never read the book but I knew the content of it going into it. I had seen lots of movie with scenes of rape, bullying, and even suicide. (the virgin suicide was one of my favorites growing up as a depressed teen). I was a little late to begin watching it, and all I heard were rave reviews about how when you start, you wont be able to stop. There were even memes about the show, how could something so talked about be so bad. I was glad it was getting so much notoriety. 

This show came out while I was in the middle of the most stressful situation I’ve had to deal with in my life so far. I was looking forward to a distraction. 

A little background on me. I had dealt with some sad things in my early teenage life, losing loved ones and so on. I was also bullied, not super bad though; I was never called a slut or beat up, but I was constantly working on projects alone because people would rather work in groups of threes than work with me. I was not the prettiest, and a couple people made a point of reminding me of that and embarrassing me in front of everyone by means of pulling my pants down in front of the whole class, slapping my ass on a dare and then yelling “EW” and telling me the guy I had a crush on liked me back and wanted me to ask him out. Lucky for me, I was smart enough by the time they came up with that last one to recognize they were just saying that to embarrass me. It was awful, but I got through it and came out with friends in high school, and a new set of friends as an adult that I cherish every day of my life. But I also came out with a couple other things. I was already dealing with depression from other experiences, and soon after came social anxiety and self hatred. I decided the only way someone would like me would be if I changed who I was completely. So I did. I deleted every single picture I ever had from that time, said goodbye to the only two people who would talk to me, and got a whole new wardrobe. I made my voice sound higher, I made my stomach look smaller, and my hair look straighter. It took me until very recently to realize I have no idea who “I” am. I know what I tried to be, I have all these personalities that I tried so hard to become but none ever stuck. And here I am now, 22, and watching a Netflix show about teenagers, that stripped me down to my core and left me raw.

So why did this happen? I don’t exactly know why or what set me off, but as the episodes went on, it got progressively more difficult to watch. Watching Hannah get called names and made fun of, exposed in vulnerable places, I knew those feelings. And watching Clay feel so empty inside, wondering what he could have possibly done to make Hannah feel this way was so heartbreaking. Losing someone you love is the hardest thing to go through, in my opinion. But I was angry at the writers, because I know that if someone decides to take their own life, it’s not fair to lay blame on the people left behind. I have always held that opinion and it’s not always a popular one, but to me, it makes sense. This “That will show them” mentality is EXACTLY the type of problematic thinking that a young, depressed person could have, and if that’s encouraged? My goodness, 

Every article you read that agrees with this opinion will use the word “glamorize” when referring to what the show has done to suicide. I don’t think it glamorized it at all. It validated. 

I am not saying this out of a completely ignorant place. I have had suicidal thoughts in the not-so-distant past, and as far back as middle school. They have been a part of my life from time to time, and I am not ashamed of it. I’ve never been ashamed of what I’ve had to deal with, mostly because I’m really great at oversharing and telling people things they really never needed to hear (see: this entire paragraph) But that mentality helped me feel less alone as a teenager struggling to float in the ocean that was terrible thoughts, sleepless nights and self-hatred. Telling someone about it meant it wasn’t just my battle anymore. 

BUT ANYWAYS. I was mad that they were showing suicide like this, and not ONCE discussed how she had suffered from depression or any other kind of mental illness. I waited until the end of the series to see if this changed; maybe there was a huge reveal, maybe there was something the audience didn’t know yet. But, to my dismay, nothing of the sorts came about. I saw it as blaming the people around her for not being more understanding and nice. People in Middle School and High School are ASSHOLES. They do mean, stupid things to try and fit it. It is always ALWAYS  a personal and selfish decision to end your own life. But, I still saw a part of me in Hannah. I got to the last episode, and as you may have guessed, she kills herself. She slits her own wrists. But they made the creative decision to show it. The whole, brutal thing. So I watched in tears and horror, and I saw something on her face... not pain, or sadness, but relief. Finally, after thirteen grueling episodes, after 4 terrible years of her life, she was finally free from the pain, and she was happy. And a small spark of a thought came to mind, that I hadn’t felt in a couple years... Relief would be... nice. 

Now, after years of working on my own mental illness, recognizing bad thoughts, learning how to stop a panic attack, how to get through a depressive episode, and so on, I knew this was NOT a good sign. I had to stop. I shut off the TV, curled into a ball in my living room and broke down. Shortly after, my panic attacks started again and I dove into a 2 week long nightmare. I was panicking every day, not sleeping, depressed, nothing felt worth it anymore, why am I even here, I wish I showed my bullies what they did to me, I wish they fucking knew, if only the people who hurt me knew how much it hurt, and so on. It got really dark, really bad, I didnt shower or leave my room until one day, I was scrolling through facebook at 3am. I wasn’t going to be sleeping any time soon so why try? And there was a post from a local radio station. It was a test to see how depressed you were. I scrolled past, almost laughing because 1. I already knew, I didn’t need an internet quiz to tell me how fucked up I was and 2. CLICKBAIT. The post read: 

2 years ago, I took this exact same test because even though I knew something was wrong? I wasn't really ready to admit I finally needed to get help. This test was a major factor in finally getting my mental health back on track.

Even if you think everything is okay? Take it anyway. I could change your life in ways you never expected... It did for me.

I scrolled past... and then scrolled back up. I thought, what the heck, why not. 

I took the test, and on a scale of 1-100 I was at an 82, which basically means I was real messed up. Then I was taken to an intake form page. And I started crying. I was trying to get help in the week prior and was just coming back with either too high rates, or not anywhere near me. And this basically just fell into my lap. It was like a sign, or something stupid like that. I filled out the intake form, basically pleading for someone to help me, and they called me the next day. I’ve been in therapy every since, and it actually feels like it’s working. I’m not healed by any stretch of the imagination, but this felt like a lifeline. I feel like I’m connected to people who could really help me. I feel like I’m not alone. I feel like I’ve started my healing path and it feels amazing. I am so grateful.