#[ tia vargas || journal 01 ]

[thalia-vargas]

It's been four days since I've moved in, but I've not unpacked a single box. For the life of me, I can't figure out why.

A week ago, Forrest had offered his home to me. He said that if I lived here, I could save more money than I spend because he wouldn't be charging me anything, and that I'll be giving life to an otherwise empty LA home. But most importantly, it'll be a way for us to be closer, so that every time he's in town, we wouldn't be wasting precious time figuring out whose place to stay in.

It's most generous, really. He's been most generous. But after one night here, I'm not sure I can stay.

I mean, his apartment is nice. Really nice. It's no castle, but it's way better than anything I can afford on my own. Besides, I've never needed a castle. But to live here for free? I offered to pay for something, anything, because I would feel like I'd be taking advantage of his generosity if I didn't. He was adamant I didn't need to. Eventually, he conceded and agreed that I can pay for the utilities I use, but nothing more.

This arrangement, however, had not helped quell my shame. Days later, these four walls still don't feel like home. Even as I sit here, by his bed, wearing the very sweatshirt he gave me, just staring at my pathetic attempt to make things cosy — a fresh new plant I'd bought from the nursery downtown. None of it helps. At least, not really. The silence is too loud, and I don't feel any of the warmth I feel when I'm around him.

Then again, no other four walls have ever felt like home, except for the ones I left in Colombia.

I've briefly considered it, though. Going back. After all, I've not been home since my abuela passed almost two years ago. I know I should. To visit her resting place, at the very least. But the thought of going back there and finding it as empty as this apartment is right now makes me want to throw up what little is in my stomach.

So, what do I do? Where do I go? How can I be thankful for things that aren't really mine, and be merry and bright all on my own? I'm tired of crying, and of keeping it all in. I want to be able to find my own place in this world. I need to. For me.

But how? How do I get to a place that might not physically exist? And how do I tell him that I need him there, in my life, no matter what?