#[ other promotions. ] i told you: i don’t want to join your super-secret boy band.

[coreius]

Tag drop 1.

[gotboredwrote]

Chapter 5: Tested

[[The American Publicist // JRD]]

Pairing: John Richard Deacon x Reader Word Count: 5.4K Style: Multi-Chapter Warnings: Mental health stuff (panic attack, clinical tests mentioned but not explained) Summary: Y/N was just hired to become a co-manager and publicist for the band Queen. The boys had never travelled abroad, so meeting an American was . . . intriguing, to say the least. Permanent Author’s Note: To clarify, I write because I get bored. Nothing is meant to be professional in any way, nor is meant to offend, cause anxiety, cause anger, cause sadness, or promote disagreement among readers in any sort of (semi)permanent way. A/N: Welcome back to the emotional roller-coaster! I hope you’re ready to ride again! Also, in an effort to get this out, there might be a few grammar errors I did not catch, sorry!

Masterlist // Previous Chapter // Next Chapter // Masterpost

~

Neither of you did anything productive Sunday. Come on – who would have been able to? The events of the private concert were swimming through your heads. The words of the song. The tension in the air.

And in your bodies. You tended to reserve this word for other  matters, but that was the most euphoric experience you had had in a long time. And you felt like you could say that, since it has been quite a while since the other event happened to you. John was in a similar position, except that he went home and took care of business. All while he was thinking about you. You were lying in bed Sunday night, still reeling from the events the day before. You were just trying to work on the paperwork you had neglected the day before, when you were startled by a phone call. It was 10:30pm, who could possibly be calling you?

“Hello?”

“Y/N? It-it’s me, love.”

You heart never starting beating so fast in your life.

~

“Hi Deaks, everything okay?”

“Um, yeah. I was just thinking about you-yesterday. What… happened yesterday.”

“Mhm?” You were getting shaky. You had no idea where he was going with this.

“I want to show the boys that song, and I wanted to ask you to do me a favor. Could you try and… react a certain way when you hear it again? I don’t really know how to put this, but can you maybe, try…acting like you have never heard it? The lads only know that I took you back to the studio to show you something, but they have no idea it was a song. Kind of want to surprise them.”

You could not really explain why, but you felt your heart crack a little bit. Were you hoping he would say something else? Something like “oh I feel the same way about you as you do me?” Again, this is real life, not fantasy. People do not magically fall for each other. Wishful thinking. You know for a fact he felt something when he wrote that song, you could see it in his body language when he performed it. And it was not just nerves getting the best of him. Something was going on in his mind when those words came to him, and you knew that it had nothing to do with you. You were not going to let yourself go down that road any more than you already had. It was a mistake to fall for him. You were just hoping it would go away eventually. You could not help but laugh at your own comment in your head.

“Yeah, John. I can do that. Anything for you.”

“Thank you, love.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“8:30am love, looking forward to it. Goodnight.”

“Night, John.”

You had just made a promise you could not keep. How were you supposed to act like you had never heard the song before? After what it did to you? And to John? You were afraid he would not be able to keep the same promise he made you make.

~

The sound of your alarm going off at 6:00am was worse than normal. You loved going to see the boys, but dragging yourself out of bed was no easy task in the first place. You got up like you would any other morning, showered, and picked up some breakfast on the way to studio. You always tended to get there early, but today you were arrived a little late because there was an accident on the road you took. It must had just happened because the radio did not tell you about it before you left. Since you arrived late, you knew everyone would already be there. You just hoped that they did not wait for you to start doing anything. You waltzed through the door of the main building around 8:55am, and did your best to make it to the Queen section of the building by 9:00am, that way you would not hear a word from Miami. You opened the door to the control room, and everyone was in their rightful places. Miami was at the control table, and all the boys were warming up their instruments mindlessly. You looked through the pane to see if you could make eye contact with John, but he was not facing the window. You were taken out of your trance by the beckoning of your name.

“Y/N. So glad you could join us.”

“Please save it, Miami. I had a long night and there was an accident on my way here, you’re lucky I’m here now.”

“Sorry… I didn’t mean for that to come across that rudely.”

“It-it wasn’t. I was actually ruder than you were. I’m sorry, sir.”

“Well, good morning, darling! We missed your pretty face!”

You threw your head in the direction of the glass and were greeted by four smiling faces. Freddie was grinning ear to ear, Brian and Roger were just smiling sweetly at you, and John had on his… signature smile. He was already off to a much better start than you were.

“John just informed us,” Roger began, “that he brought a song for us to play! But he wanted us to wait until you were here like we did that first Monday. Are you okay with us getting started while you get situated?”

You nodded in his direction, and proceeded to prove to John that two could play at his game. You smiled widely at him, and even added a wave, to which he nodded in recognition. You turned around to place all your new paperwork where it needed to go, not realizing that a crucial portion of it was not in its rightful place. But you had more pressing things to pay attention to. The boys had seemed ready to play the second you walked in, so you were no longer going to keep them waiting. You sat down on the couch, looking eager, with a notepad and pencil in your lap. You gave the thumbs up and off they went. The only part you could pay attention to was the bassline. It was familiar, obviously, since you had heard it before. But it had seemingly wormed its way into a part of your heart that was not going to be ignored. You tried your best to hide it, because John was doing a seemingly flawless job at it, but your chest ached. It ached to be back in that spot on the floor. With John and John alone. Hearing his voice and not Freddie’s booming, operatic one. Sure, his voice was gorgeous, but it was nothing compared to the raw emotion that came out in John’s when he sang this song. His song. His dream girl’s song. You were furiously taking notes so you did not have to look into the booth, you could not risk taking the chance of revealing something. The song was coming to a close and you had written down as much as your hand could handle. You pried your eyes away from your paper and looked up into the booth and your worst nightmare came true. You were met with the eyes of the one person who could screw up your cover. John’s. You immediately swallowed the breath you did not realize you had been holding in and gave him a sweet smile. Except you thought he was looking at your smile. When in reality he was looking at your neck. The necklace. You were still wearing the necklace. In fact, you had not taken it off. It brought you an intense amount of comfort after that evening, thinking about what John went through and what he did for you that night. It was your most cherished possession. You managed to keep yourself collected throughout the song, but as soon as John saw the glint of your necklace… He faltered. He knew the bassline at heart. He knew it Saturday night, so there was no reason he should not know it now. He messed up to the point where he messed up the rest of the band. Roger let out a groan, while Brian and Freddie just looked at him confusedly.

“You alright, mate?”

“Ye-yeah, just got a little bit fuzzy in the head for a second. I skipped breakfast, so… I’ll be alright.”

Roger looked at John with a secretive look, and John refused to look at him. Roger took that as his cue that those words were about a certain American acquaintance they had all come to know and adore. Their one-sided exchange was cut short when you piped up about your notes.

“That was an incredible song, John! I told you that you wouldn’t be in a band if you couldn’t write songs.” You looked at him endearingly, keeping up your end of the bargain much better than he was, considering he was starting to get red in the face. “Now I’m sure none of you noticed this and probably felt like I haven’t been doing my job, but I assure you I have! All the notes I took during the song, and all the other things I’ve written down during these sessions have all regarded where my brain went for the best way of promoting these songs. This isn’t an exhaustive list, but I have preferential choices for what order to release singles, what outfits to wear in photoshoots, the whole nine yards! As I was taking my notes, I realized that I left my big binder of notes in my car, and I’m sure Miami has some words for you boys,” you shot Miami a playful look, to which he chuckled in response, “so I will run out there super-fast and start coming up with some new ideas! Be back in a minute!”

What Y/N did not realize is that she had left her binder on the baby grand piano Saturday night during her private concert and was so mesmerized after the fact that she left it and did not realize it was not in her possession until just now. She had left the room before any of the boys noticed it sitting there, and her enthusiasm for what she had written peaked Brian, Roger, and Freddie’s interests. The only reason John was not paying attention to the binder at this point is because he was still trying to calm his breathing after seeing you wear the necklace. He was just pacing back and forth in a distance of about five feet, quietly plucking at the strings on his bass.

“I don’t know about you, blokes, but my interest was piqued when she mentioned outfits.”

The boys started to rummage through your papers, not realizing that there was an order to the way you had it set up. They also had no idea what was coming when you walked back into the room.

“I must seriously be having an off day. I must’ve left my binder at home because it isn’t in my car and I know-”

The three men crowded around the top of the baby grand stopped dead in their tracks, let the papers they were holding float back down to the piano, and watched you with intensity. Your eyes were as wide as saucers and some of the color had drained from your face. It was like you had just witnessed murder.

“Wha… why… why are my papers all-all over the place? Why did you go through them without asking me? Who gave you the right?” You breathing was beginning to get erratic, and you were thoroughly scaring all five men who were in the studio with you. “Why… why WHY?” And with that you started hyperventilating, nothing stopping the small streams of tears from cascading down your face. Your chest hurt. Different than the aching you had for John when they were playing. This was painful. You started feeling like you could not breathe, hence the hyperventilating. You felt faint and weak at the knees. What was happening to you? Why of all things did your papers being scattered do… whatever this was? Miami and the three at the piano simply stood completely still, completely unsure of what was happening or what to do. John had never moved faster. He quickly grabbed the sides of both of your shoulders, squeezed them, gently gets you to sit on the floor, and does everything he can to get your breathing back to normal, because even he knew there was no sense in trying to calm you down before you could breathe normally. He continually rubbed your shoulders, telling you “you’re okay, you’re perfect.” Anything that came to mind that he thought would bring your breathing back to normal. He considered it progress when your breathing calmed down enough to allow your body to be wracked with sobs, uncontrollable ones. At least now he felt like he could hold you close to him without your breathing stopping entirely. He held you, one arm snaked around your lower abdomen, hand wide and lightly gripping your side, the other clutching the back of your head to bring it down into the crook of his neck. He wanted you to feel protected. Protected from the evil feelings that were consuming your body at the moment. Eventually your sobs became sniffles, and you felt as though you could muster up the strength to talk to them. They were all looking at you expectantly, and still a little bit fearful.

“You all look, sniff, so scared right now. I’m so so-sorry. I don’t know what this even is but it has taken over my life. My brain and body don’t allow me to do anything with a sense of leisure or, or pleasure anymore. Sniff, everything has to be done in a particular way and if someone screws it up I… I can’t see straight, my hearing starts to go, my heart starts to beat so fast that it hurts, I feel like I’m gonna puke… I don’t know what to do.”

When John was at university, he had a couple of friends who were in the developing field of psychology, and from the few conversations he had overheard while they would study for their exams, he knew something was going on with your brain. And in that moment, right after you rambled on your apology to the boys, his emotions overflowed and he knew he was the only one who could take care of you.

“Lads, I think she needs a break for the day. C’mon love, you’re coming with me. I’m going to get you better, love.”

~

“Um, Deaky? Where exactly are we?” You asked him this because you and your favorite bassist were currently standing in front of a building that was completely unlike any building you had seen in the states or England.

“You’ll see, love. And when we get in there, if you start to freak out, I promise we can leave right away. I do think this will really help you, though.”

John could sense that you were still slightly on edge from the episode you had earlier, and there was a new wave hitting you now that you were in a new, scary environment. He pushed aside any feelings that threatened to resurface from the two “Misfire” performances that were still swirling through his body to take care of you. He reached for your hand to hold and squeeze it until you were separated from him, which he knew was coming, but you did not. You took his hand out of desperation for some grip onto familiarity, because you did not want to slip up again. He walks you over to a desk where a pleasant looking lady is seated, and she begins speaking to you in a sweet, quiet tone.

“Hello, you two. Welcome to the Mind Center of Central England. Did you have an appointment, or are you here for emergency or on-the-spot care?”

“On-the-spot, ma’am. My best friend just had an episode that involved a combination of tears, chest pain, and hyperventilating triggered by the sight of a well-organized binder of hers being scattered across a surface. I had a friend in college talk about places like these where you can administer some tests to see if there was a reason for her reaction, can you do that here?”

“Yes sir, we absolutely can. Let me go get all the paperwork and information you two need, and I will let a specialist know that there is someone here for testing. And sweetheart, I can see that you are tensing up every time I mention tests or doctors. Try to relax, nothing here is meant to hurt or scare you. We are only going to help, I promise, honey.”

“O-okay. Thanks.” She hit the nail on the head about how you were feeling. You had no idea what it was John was trying to accomplish here, and if you were not in a space where you felt like you needed to be respectful, you would probably be giving him an earful right about now. Not five minutes later, the lady from the desk returned with a short stack of papers that you assumed was a combination of information and papers asking you to sign your life away. You knew you were being dramatic, but John had not told you anything about what was about to happen, and frankly, it was kind of bothering you. Not that you were mad at him, but you were just kind of overwhelmed with the whole situation. You did not even know what happened before, and now you were in a place that you had never seen and did not know what was about to happen to you. And just as these thoughts were swimming through your mind you got to the part of the paperwork that stated no one but the patient was allowed in the back with you. John would have to leave your side. This was his idea, why did he have to leave? You and John are going over the paperwork and you’re signing what needs to be signed and initialing what needs to be initialed. The lady was explaining to you what would go down, but you could not focus on her words. You were still daunted by the fact that they were going to force John to some random place in this hospital and you would not know where he was or when you would get to see him again. You cut the lady off mid-explanation of the tests you would be taking to ask her about the question that would not leave your mind.

“Where are you going to take him?”

She gawked at you before returning to her original composure. “I’m… I’m sorry?”

“John. Where will he be while I’m doing this?”

“We have a room for the patient’s guests who decide to stay for the duration of the test, but we don’t typically see that happen. The tests usually take a while, so we encourage the guests to go do something or go home if they aren’t too far from the location.”

Your entire figure slumped at her response. So you would not get to know where John was and he would not get to know where you were? This hardly seemed fair to the patient. The people that are here are clearly here because they have some mental health issue that they want to figure out and get help for. Why tear away the one thing that they know is a safe zone? John could see your demeanor change. He was just as worried about you as you were about leaving him and taking these tests, which you still are not really sure what to expect. He formulated a plan in his mind that he felt would ease your mind a little bit.

“Y/N, love, you and I both know they aren’t going to let me in the room where your tests are done, and I doubt I can stay here. But,” turning to the staff member giving them the instructions, “I think a good plan would be that someone who works here can come tell me when you are about to take your last exam, and they can escort me right to the door that you will be walking out of, so I will be the first and last person you see. Is that okay?” The question was directed at both you and the staff member, who nodded her head in confirmation. The first smile in the last hour crept onto your face.

~

“Alright, I think that is all of the paperwork. Basically, the last thing you need to do is sign this sheet, which essentially says that you acknowledge everything I have told you about this procedure, including what tests are done and how they are administered, and you recognize that the treatments we provide at the end of the session, which will be typed out for you, are only recommendations. We are available to provide any assistance we can on whichever path you choose to take, okay? Do you have any questions for me before I take you back and show John where he needs to go?”

All you did was shake your head and swallow quietly. The staff member told you that she would go make a copy of all the paperwork, one for their records, and one for you to take home, and that it would be ready by the time you were finished, and she was willing to pass it onto John if it gets done before you do. In the meanwhile, she was going to go get the doctor who would be administering your tests. You were told that this process takes a minimum of an hour, but usually for this particular set of tests, it does not take longer than two. John was to be provided with a couple options for what to do with his time, including a movie, television, a book, magazines, the basic waiting-room drill. He would be in a space that was only about four rooms down the hall from where your exam would be taking place, so he really was not too far away, which made you feel a little bit more at ease. Both of your attentions were directed toward the front of the main office where you heard the automatic double doors to the hospital wing open and you saw a man in a very stereotypical white lab coat, followed by what you could only assume was a physicians assistant. That made you nervous. It made John nervous, too, considering the grip he had on your leg tightened. This had stayed a habit between the two of you, despite what happened that one Saturday with the producers. His touch was different, and you never minded the little massage he always gave with his thumb, almost like a nervous tic. The doctor casually walked over to the two of you while looking at the file he was given, probably just what he needed to administer the proper tests.

“Y/N Y/L/N?”

You simply stood and offered the best half-smile you could. John did the same.

“Hello there! My name is Dr. Patrick Bradford. It is nice to meet you! As you may have guessed, I will be helping you through the next approximately two hours of your life, is that alright with you?”

You simply nodded.

“Great! Ms. Y/N, if you could follow my lead, I will escort you back to the area where you and I will spend our time, and Patty here will take John to his lounge room. If I understand correctly, John is to be brought to the space right in front of our test room doors so you can go to him right when this is all done, right?”

You nodded again.

“Perfect. Whatever makes you the most comfortable, dear. Now if you will, the tests will begin shortly, so please follow me. You too, John.”

The four of you walked in a semi-comfortable silence. John had proceeded to hold your hand when you stood up and did not let go until you were in front of the test room. When you were there, he could feel the clamminess that had just formed on your hand and how it was slightly starting to tremble. It broke his heart a little bit to know that he was the reason you were going to go through this, but he knew that in the long run, knowing exactly what caused your episode and figuring out where to go from there was the best plan. John had since turned to you to offer you one last ray of confidence before you walked in. He was going to hug you, that was the original plan, but the doctors told him that there was something with heart rate that needed to stay as consistent as possible for the test. He was not exactly sure why he could not hug you, but he could do what he chose to do anyway. He let go of your hand, which spiked your heart rate anyway, and he used said hand to ruffle your hair a little bit alongside his signature smile.

“You’re going to ace these tests, love.”

~

“Now, I am not up on my psycho-blah-blah, but what in the Queen’s name do you think happened to her?” Freddie spoke loudly through the sandwich Miami had brought back for him.

“Honestly, Fred, I have no idea. She quite freaked me out when she started to hyperventilate.” Brian was the most educated of the bunch, and the fact that he had no idea what to think was slightly concerning for the rest of the boys. “I mean, she has never acted that way in front of us before, and she hasn’t told us about a previous experience like that.”

Roger added in “she did say that this had been happening recently, so maybe her move over here triggered something or another?”

“Oh, don’t be ridiculous, anyone would love moving over here, especially when they get to spend time with us, darling.”

Brian rolled his eyes, “Not the time for jokes, Fred. She could have a serious issue.”

“Look, I think we all clearly care about her well-being. She is a part of this family for the rest of our time as a band, even if she is called back to America to work with one of the bands that she previously worked with.” Miami was trying his hardest to fight back tears thinking about the pain Y/N has endured since being in England, and all the boys noticed. No one said a word. “She has done so much for this band already, and she is going to be a crucial point from this point forward. She took the leap of faith to move across the pond to work with us, that is how much faith she has in your band, that is how much she loves each and every one of us. And who would we be to say that if she comes back and tells us there is something wrong that she is a freak? That is not going to happen, and if it does, I swear to you all-”

“Relax, Beach, that isn’t going to happen.”

“You said it yourself – she’s family.”

~

John had been sitting alone in the lounge room for only about twenty minutes, but it felt like twenty years. The television in the background was playing reruns of some BBC soap that John had seen bits and pieces of through the years, but did not really understand or follow. He told them that he would just flick through the channels and find something on there, but in reality, he told them that because he knew it did not matter which media form he chose. He would not have been paying attention to any of them. His mind was preoccupied, to say the least. He had heard the tests that you would be taking in a small amount of detail, but none of them really made sense. He kept racking his brain trying to remember certain disorders that his psychology friends would talk about, but the only ones coming to mind were the commonly referred to ones, like anxiety and depression. He could not remember specific names for disorders, let alone if he could, what constituted them. He, nor yourself, knew what you were being tested for, and somehow that made it worse. They were, by no means, treating you like a wild, rabid animal who’s only goal in life was to murder everything in your path. They were actually treating you very politely and made sure you were comfortable with every single thing they said and did before moving on. John appreciated that, because he knows how meticulous you are and having details makes your heart swell – you know exactly what you were dealing with, and that allowed you to plan to your hearts content. You loved lists and organization, so the way they were treating you honed directly in to your personality. Twenty-five minutes now. Maybe trying to pay attention to the television will make this go faster. He was so impatient and missed you desperately. He wanted this to be over.

~

John heard the door to the lounge creak open, and he shot out of his chair as fast as a lightning bolt streaking across the sky. He looked at the nurse, Patty, with big, hopeful eyes that she had come in there to tell him exactly what he needed to hear; Y/N was taking her final test and should be out in about five minutes. And that was exactly what she did. John eagerly followed her out of the lounge and she dropped him off against the wall directly across from the test room doors. Just like they had promised to do. He felt like these five minutes were either going to fly by or drag terribly slowly. The prior was true, because it had only felt like about thirty seconds had passed and he saw the double doors open with Y/N and the doctor standing right behind it. He searched for the emotion behind your eyes and face. You simply looked tired. You were not happy, angry, sad, confused, sickened… just a contented, tired expression. He was happy to see that, because it could have been so much worse. When John and Y/N made eye contact, he smiled weakly at you while you started to plod toward him, expression not changing a bit. In a matter of seconds, you had made your way over to him and crashed into his torso. You latched you arms around his back and squeezed so tightly that John almost had trouble breathing. A signature Freddie Mercury bone-crushing hug – she had learned well, he thought. He did not care one bit. In fact, he grabbed you back across the upper back and neck just as tightly to show you that he was there and real. He was there just like he promised he would be, a way of showing you that he was always be there for you without exception. John’s hand that had found a spot on the back of your neck made your way into your hair and he began to lightly rub your scalp like he would your knee, and his chin had settled onto the top of your head. He lightly kisses the top of your head, no fear about the feelings that were manifested inside of him anymore. He had come to accept and embrace them, and held onto hope that one day something could happen. You lightly moved your head as a warning to John that you wanted to move it more so you could look at him.

“John, I want to talk to all of you about this when we get back, in case if jeopardizes my job with you guys.”

“Anything for you, love. Whatever you need or want.” That is what escaped his mouth. In his head though, what he really wanted to tell you was “I’m not letting anything, no matter what, take you away from me… because I’m in love with you.”

[irishcoffeeslushie]

Do you still remember Kim Kibum of Super Junior? He was once Super Junior’s rising star, and then SMENT buried him during his best years

PRELUDE

I’ve never actually done this before, but I have a lot of time on my hands this weekend, so here goes.

This is a translation of Taiwanese ELF’s thoughts on Kibum leaving SM. Obviously it’s going to read much better in its original language, but I’ve done what I could, and I’d like to share it with the SJ community, as well as people who used to care about Kibum, and still do.

Donghae and Kibum, the two leading characters and best friends in Attack on the Pinup Boys. At this point, SMENT obviously still cared enough about Kibum to cast him as the character with the most lines.

Source: https://kknews.cc/zh-tw/entertainment/pepjje.html

Do you still remember Kim Kibum of Super Junior? He was once Super Junior’s rising star, and then SMENT buried him during his best years

Yesterday YTeam announced that Kim Kibum, formerly of SMENT, had joined their company, and that they were delighted to have the chance to boost his career, and to help pave the way for a second shot at fame.

In August 2015, Kibum announced via his personal IMS that his contract with SM had come to an end, and that he would be leaving, after a 6-year period of hiatus. (TRANSLATOR’S NOTE: In Mandarin, the term for that is ‘deep-frozen.’) SM ENT deep-froze Kibum during his best years - the years of his twenties, when most singers and/or actors are busy consolidating their careers. He’s 30 now.

It’s common knowledge how merciless SM can be towards idols who don’t toe the line. There's no shortage of talent in their company (TRANSLATOR’S NOTE: not according to a recent SM ex-trainee though), or fresh young trainees determined to make it big. SM shows no mercy to people who disobey them. We put our idols on pedestals, but in reality, they're basically puppets, controlled by the SM machine. SM made you, and they can also break you.

From the dissolution and sabotage of HOT and some of its erstwhile members, to JYJ, and No Min-woo's failed lawsuit, most rebels have come away from the fight, broken and battered. To be honest, Hangeng (Hankyung), Wu Yifan and Lu Han were the lucky ones. They had an entire country to fall back on, a whole nation who had their backs and supported them. And Kibum? He had nowhere to go; his back was up against a wall, and he was essentially trapped. Kibum chose silence; he chose to wait. He did not do as his forebears did, choosing to fight the long and bitter fight; his departure was unremarkable and subdued. He waited for 6 years, and the price of his freedom was his youth and his lost years. He chose to leave SM on their terms. Sometimes I think that this was the right choice, not burning any bridges with the company that discovered and cultivated his talents. A relatively bloodless breakup, if you will.

In 2005, Kibum formally debuted as a member of Super Junior. From the moment of their debut, he was one of the most popular members of Super Junior. He was in a lot of dramas and popular variety shows and sitcoms, and for some time he was the most well-known member of SJ. In 2009, SJ released their third album, Sorry Sorry.

Kibum, however, was barely present in most of their promotions. The official statement from SMENT was that Kibum was busy working on his career as an actor, and that he couldn't spare the time to promote with Super Junior. But for the next two years, Kibum's career was a complete blank. He didn’t feature in any dramas, and he was quietly consigned to the back burner. He went without a fuss, and the Korean entertainment industry gradually forgot about him. SJ members would occasionally mention him from time to time, but he rarely if ever appeared in the news. What happened to Kibum, and why was he made to disappear like that?

Some say that he ran afoul of upper management in SMENT, and others were of the opinion that he never wanted to become a singer in the first place. Others said that he wanted to concentrate on learning how to act professionally, and that he didn’t want to follow the career path laid out for him by his company and team mates. The other members of SJ said that they would wait for him, and told him - albeit through a third person - that if he ever made it to Cannes, he would have to bring them all along. Kibum's love of acting is no secret in the industry. He made his debut in the KBS drama 'April Kiss.' It's strange then that some sort of arrangement couldn't be made for him to multitask, to work on both his career as an actor and that of a musician. I'm sorry, but I just don't buy it.

Kibum may have wanted to concentrate on acting, but SMENT would not have allowed him to call the shots. From what we've seen of them, it's either do as you're told, or don't do anything at all, and heaven help if if you have a mind of your own. From SMENT's point of view, potential troublemakers need to be made an example of and gotten rid of before they can cause any further damage. They would rather kill a thousand people than let one person go. Jessica Jung (SNSD) is another good example of this. If you allow SMENT to get so much as a whiff of trouble, off to Iceland you go.

Kibum is a straightforward and honest man, and that's what landed him into trouble - being too individual and independent, and not conforming to what SM wanted of him. From where they're standing, their trainee rooms are bursting to the seams with talented, handsome young men desperate to make it big. They don't like people who go against the grain and disobey them. The company is the alpha and omega; if you don't kowtow to them in absolute deference, you might as well start packing your bags. Poor Kibum; these should have been the best 6 years of your life. Darling Baozi! (TRANSLATOR’S NOTE: nickname/term of endearment for Kibum, used by Mandarin-speaking fans) No matter what happens, I hope everything works out for you.

EPILOGUE/TRANSLATOR’S NOTE

I read this last night, midway through a binge rewatch of SJ Full House. On another note, it’s kind of obvious how he wasn’t really happy, not even then; he always looked ill at ease, and it was plain that he felt he didn’t really belong there. In the first episode, one of their managers wakes them all up for a meeting. Kibum awakens, looks annoyed and puts on a cap, and goes back to bed, whilst everyone else is deep in discussion. In the second episode, Hangeng makes breakfast and everyone goes downstairs to eat - except for Kibum, who stays upstairs to use the computer. In the third episode, they wanted to prank Hangeng by pretending that two of the members were fighting, and they chose Kibum to be the instigator of the fallout. As they say, no smoke without fire, and I think it says a lot, how quickly they managed to convince Hangeng and Anna and Eva were that Kibum had gotten into a fight. I remember hearing rumours about how someone in SM upper management wanted Kibum to renounce his American passport and change his citizenship back to Korean, but he refused, which offended them. I think it’s interesting that Jessica’s also American, and that her career with SMENT paralleled that of Kibum’s in many ways: they were both hired from America, popular for their good looks and high visibility, extraordinarily favoured by SMENT at the beginning of their careers and considered the ones with the most potential. Both of them were once the most famous members of their respective bands - ‘visual’ is what they were called - and they were both well known for acting. I remember going to South Korea in 2009 and watching Jessica star in the Korean Broadway version of Legally Blonde, which was huge, back then. Jessica has since joined Coridel Entertainment and is dating the CEO. I don’t know how I feel about that, but I will say that by burning her bridges with SM, she put herself in a very vulnerable position within the entertainment industry, and some people may have noticed that and taken advantage of her situation. It doesn’t seem right to me, but that’s another can of worms I’ll get into another day. JYJ’s an entirely different story, but I have to say it’s a lot easier to fight a battle when you know you’re not alone, and that other people have your back. Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu all have each other, not to mention their famously formidable families, and that makes all the difference. As far as I know all of Kibum’s immediate family and friends are in America. I don’t know enough about Lu Han and Tao and Yifan to comment on them or EXO, but the author was right when she said that Hangeng was one of the lucky ones, and that he had an entire nation to fall back on. He’s definitely doing extremely well for himself now, and he deserves his success. I like Hangeng; he’s wacky (but I expect nothing less from an Aquarian), handsome, a great dancer, and he seems like a genuinely nice person, fun to be around. I’ve never seen him be mean to anyone; he’s always respectful and considerate, and I’ve never known him to make a disparaging remark, not even for laughs. He was one of my favourite members of SJ when they first debuted, and he was especially close to some of the Full House regulars like Kibum himself, Heechul, Donghae and Siwon. Ultimately, he was much more fortunate with his career than Kibum was.

Look at Kibum. He wanted to fit in so badly, but it just didn’t really click, and he knew it, the other SuJu members knew it, SMENT knew it, and ultimately they all just stopped trying.

Thanks for all the good memories, Kibum. I loved you back then and I have a tremendous amount of respect for you now. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders and your heart’s in the right place. If all fails, I’ll just dig out my old collections of SJ Full House and EHB and Super Junior Show and Nonstop and everything you were once in, because we’ll always have that.

Joomoonjin, or Jumunjim, circa 2009, starring Kibum and his hilarious Rainbow Romance costar Hwang Bora. I remember the Kpop community being incredibly excited for this movie, and all the hype - also a sense of relief, even, as this was confirmation that Kibum was indeed working on his acting career and not just disappearing. Unfortunately, this was the last movie he would star in under SM management.