#[ kyota's moody side was very hard for nnoitra to deal with ]

[despairforme]

You ever think about your ex while you're with Grimmjow?

     ❝ I’m with Grimmjow pretty much all ‘da time, ‘n I think ‘bout my ex sometimes, so yeah. ❞ Thinking about your ex in certain situations was definitely a WRONG thing to do, and it wasn’t like Nnoitra EVER thought about Kyota when he had sex with Grimmjow. He didn’t like to compare them in any aspects. Like sure, there had been SOME things that had been better with Kyota than they were with Grimmjow - just like there were things that were better with Grimmjow than they had been with Kyota. Nnoitra had loved Kyota, there was no question about that, but their relationship had caused Nnoitra a great deal of stress. It had probably been his own fault. Kyota had had a bad habit of not sharing his problems - kind of like Grimmjow - but Kyota had gone to the extreme and ran away when things got too difficult for him. It was something that Nnoitra had found incredibly hard to deal with. This was eventually what had split them up. Kyota had left, and Nnoitra had assumed that by leaving without a word, he was breaking up with him. Kyota HAD returned, but by that time, Nnoitra was already involved with Grimmjow. Did he feel bad for not waiting? For the two of them not having a proper break-up? Yeah. He took full responsibility. Considering the sort of person Nnoitra was, it was no wonder that Kyota had wanted to run away. But at the same time, that wasn’t the sort of person who Nnoitra could be in a relationship with. Being left like that was just… Too much for him. Grimmjow wasn’t exactly great at sharing his problems with him, but at least he didn’t run away.

      Kyota had been similar to Grimmjow in many ways. He had talked more with Kyota. He had argued more with him. They had DONE more stuff together, not just lazing around on the couch like him and Grimmjow did. Kyota had been able to give him proper hugs. Kyota had been smaller than Grimmjow - which meant it had been easy for Nnoitra to pick him up and spin him around ( he had done this a lot ). He had been a bit more submissive than Grimmjow, making their sex-life completely different. Kyota had also had a different way of showing affection, with his hands more or less always on Nnoitra, and especially in his hair. He had been an amazing cook, and always made sure Nnoitra was eating delicious home-cooked food. He had been great at giving gifts ( Nnoitra still had the half-finger leather gloves he had given him ), and presented Nnoitra with stuff for his birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s… And their anniversary. In many ways, Kyota had been a good boyfriend. Nnoitra thought that if the other hadn’t run away, they would’ve still been together. WHY had Kyota decided to run away? Nnoitra was pretty sure it was because he had told him that he had killed his best friend. Nnoitra had eventually decided that he wanted to open up to Kyota about his past. And at that point in time, he really DID think that he had killed Grimmjow. He hadn’t gotten to explain it to him ( not like he would’ve tried to make ‘ excuses ‘ anyway ). He wasn’t sure if this whole thing was the reason why Kyota had left, but that was his guess. The same day Kyota left, was the day he was reunited with Grimmjow. While he had NEVER gone through such heartbreak before, it was still the best day of his life. It was the day he learned that he hadn’t managed to kill his best friend.

     What about Grimmjow? Grimmjow was an amazing boyfriend. Of course he had flaws. He was stubborn as hell, and he had an act for making the stupidest decisions. He couldn’t cook for shit, and Nnoitra really wished he would give HIM more affection than the cats. Grimmjow didn’t have any money, so he never gave Nnoitra presents - which kinda sucked, but it wasn’t too big of a deal. The reason why Nnoitra enjoyed his relationship with Grimmjow so much wasn’t because Grimmjow was ‘ perfect ‘ ( though Nnoitra often referred to him as such ). Nnoitra LOVED Grimmjow past all his flaws, scars and their history. Because Grimmjow made him feel complete. He made him feel SAFE. Nnoitra NEVER had to question whether or not Grimmjow truly loved him ( granted, this had happened, but not because of Grimmjow ). Grimmjow had seen him at his worst, and he still chose him. Their connection was hard to describe. Nnoitra just knew that he would never love anyone like he loved Grimmjow. And, of course, Grimmjow had a ton of good qualities. Nnoitra could spend a whole day listing them. He knew that because he loved him in a different way than he had with Kyota. Nnoitra would take a bullet for Grimmjow - which he had -. He would die for him a million times over. There was no pain he wouldn’t go through to keep him safe. His need to be overprotective towards him had actually caused quite a lot of harm to their relationship, and to Grimmjow. Nnoitra knew he was a selfish person who always wanted to get his way. The MOST important thing to him was keeping Grimmjow safe, and he would do anything to make that happen, even if keeping Grimmjow safe meant doing things Grimmjow didn’t approve of, or that didn’t make him happy. It was a difficult line to walk, to try and balance Grimmjow’s happiness with his safety.

     Nnoitra was so much more protective over Grimmjow than he had been with Kyota. Not like he hadn’t protected Kyota, but not to this extent. He had been affectionate with him in public ( it was a miracle that nobody had found out Nnoitra’s sexuality thanks to this ), because he simply hadn’t thought about the fact that it might be dangerous for him. In many ways, he was a lot more gentle with Grimmjow. Not in a physical way, but in an emotional way. That didn’t mean that Nnoitra didn’t do fucked up shit every now and then. One episode had even led to Grimmjow trying to commit suicide ( something Nnoitra would never forgive himself for ). If Grimmjow got hurt? That would hurt Nnoitra MORE than if he, himself got hurt. Grimmjow was his entire world. Kyota might’ve felt like home to him, but Grimmjow took it to a whole different level. Grimmjow was just… Everything.

     Nnoitra could feel his chest swell up, his skin heat up a little as he thought about his boyfriend. Thank FUCK that nobody could read his thoughts! Overall, being in a relationship with Kyota had taught him a lot, and he thought he was able to treat Grimmjow better because of the experiences he had made. But - being in a relationship with Grimmjow was completely different than it had been with Kyota. It was a different kind of love. He would never love like this again.