#[ i can go on and on ab critiquing my own work so just trust me on this one for now ]

[xinganhao]

hellaw :3 sprry for spamming your notifs eeeee

but i do have a genuine question here ! how do u characterize the guys? im not sure if ive asked before, pls feel free to redirect me if so, but. i just find how u write them so real.. so silly.. joy and whimsy. pain and hurt. very human .. i mean, ofc, y wouldnt they be? but yours specifically hit different somehhow !!

hope you have a good night , mx xinganhao .. o7

wollycobbl3-blr

weiss, my light! thank you for the ask and your kind words (•ᴗ•,, ) i hope you don't think i'm being intentionally vague when i say that i just really go by a lot of the boys' texting habits and personalities. i keep up with their weverse posts, etc., and that gives me a relatively good idea of how they 'sound' (i think that's half the job anyhow since smaus are text-heavy) i adjust as necessary; my earlier work bears differences to my more recent stuff, and that's largely because i get some idea of how to write the boys as i go along ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ i'm not immune to the more common tropes— i.e. kaomoji user seokmin! jihoon who sounds pretty serious over text!— but i like to bend it every now and then as i see fit this wasn't necessarily your question, but just a tmi— i find it easiest to write the texts of vernon (surprise, surprise), jihoon, and soonyoung; i occasionally struggle with minghao (surprise [real]), wonwoo, and chan 😅 aaah mahal kita, ty again for this!!!

[azquine]

Can I get something on the JoanFK tag that ISN'T just complaining? It is ok to be feeling shit that things went badly in the show, but do you have to tag that negativity on the ship? The negativity is all that there is to see whenever I try to interact with the show and it's making me feel horrible.

I've been in far worse fandoms, and they didn't make me feel this bad.

It all feels so puritanical, like you have forgotten what a teen drama parody entails. Did you forget that they were ALL assholes in the first season who backstabbed and did shitty things to eachother for their own selfish gain? You are applying pretty strict rules of morality onto characters who intrinsically must break those rules to allow the narratives of their genre to move.

This was a short kiss, the result of feelings that JFK and Harriet had actively been trying to avoid for the sake of Joan. This could have been resolved by open communication, but that's not how either drama shows OR stupid hormonal teens work. After making this mistake, they did the most responsible and moral thing they could have and confessed it literally within the same episode as soon as Joan would not, you know, DIE as a result.

All things considered, it wasn't a secret relationship, it wasn't sex, it wasn't a long term secret held until it accidentally spills out and ruins everything. It could have been SO much worse, it was none of my worst fears, and I'm honestly relieved a kiss was where it stopped. And I am also really glad they confessed to quickly because I HATE liar revealed plots more than ANYTHING and I probably would have stopped watching. If they were going to do this plotline it was the best case scenario for me.

And do you know what is even better? What should be the bare minimum but is actually pretty rare in dramas from my experience? Neither of them tried to mitigate Joan's reaction, to say she was overreacting or to dance around the issue to make it sound better beyond a truthful 'we felt nothing'. Joan was allowed the space to fully process the information and her emotions, even if through a montage. And damn I wish I saw that more often.

As for those saying JFK would need a redemption for what he has done- does being open and honest about his wrongdoings not do that pretty succinctly? Beyond having not done it at all what else do you want? Pretty puritanical to want him to suffer before he can be forgiven.

And granted, Harriet got plenty of unjustified hate before she had even done anything, but post-kiss most of the discussion and anger I have seen has been directed solely at JFK. Harriet was part of that kiss too, knowingly going against her friend. Why is the romantic relationship deemed worse to betray? Both of them did a stupid thing together, and fixed it together.

And I'm not saying Joan putting all the consequence on Abe is justified, he didn't do shit wrong either, he tried to keep his friend alive in a tricky situation.

All of your feelings are valid, and I do see why the dominant opinion is what it is. Cheating is an awful thing to do and you should not be with someone you do not trust, I cannot refute that.

Yet at the same time, I felt it was important to put forward some differing points that I had been having. This show will not be enjoyable if we hold a position of being negative and moralistic. To some extent there has to be an acceptance that this is a fiction and moral failings are often part of a narrative structure.

(And while many of you have legitimate critiques on the execution of the show, it feels like some of you are taking the 'thing done badly because I don't like it' route)

I really hope nobody takes this as me trying to enforce cheating or to say that JFK and Harriet kissing was ok. It was shitty of them to do in the first place, but they are not morally irredeemable. Teen do stupid bad thing is not new. I'm also not interested in having an argument over this, I get caught up far too easily in that so I won't be answering any replies or asks. It is fine if you disagree, I'm here to propose a counterpoint.

Sorry if this was repetitive or lengthy. It just felt like I had to get it out there despite it being the early hours of the morning.

[peri-helia]

If I can’t dance (I don’t want any part of your revolution)

I hope the song choice isn't ooc for Nile but I was re-watching St. Trinian’s and this happened.

“Are you sure she’s ready for this?”

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that” Nicky retorted serenely, not even bothering to look at Copley, as they both watch over the railing as Nile maneuvers herself through the tangle of red wool threads that was doubling for the lasers she would navigate.

Copley sighed, privately wondering if there would ever be a day he didn’t put his foot in his mouth around these people. Probably not in his lifetime.

“I only meant she doesn’t seem happy with the arrangement. I know she’s fully capable, believe me. When –“ he swallowed, unsure of how much Nile had told them of the events preceding their rescue from Merrick Industries, “Nile tracked me down, I offered to come with her. What happened to you was my fault and I was determined to put things right. She just looked at me and said that out of the two of us, she would be the one to walk out of there again”

Out of the corner of his eye, he’s sure he sees the corner of Nicky’s mouth tick upward infinitesimally.

“Technically she jumped out the window” Joe says as he appears behind Nicky, taking a mug of coffee from the tray to offer it to Nicky. Copley’s eyebrows hit his hairline and as he turns to look at the other two men they are both definitely grinning in a mixture of pride and bemusement.

“Faster than the elevator” Nicky quips and it must already be some private joke from the way Joe snorts into his coffee mug.

“Before I forget, Copley, Booker wants you to go over the IDs” Joe tells him

“Again?!” he doesn’t know if it’s the forger critiquing his work or perhaps wanting to be seen as making as much effort as possible as part of re-earning everyone’s trust. Still, given the sharp looks he’s receiving from both Nicky and Joe, Copley decides its probably a smart move. Besides which, it doesn’t look like Joe’s asking.

---

“Thank you, habibi” Nicky sighs as soon as Copley is out of earshot. He takes a grateful sip of his coffee, naturally brewed to perfection. Joe gently presses his hand to the small of Nicky’s back in comfort.

“I don’t like him watching us training any more than you do. Especially when we’re still working through the logistics”

As they watch, Nile’s foot catches in some of the wool for the umpteenth time and Andy stops counting the seconds. Nile gives a shout of frustration and pulls her way free of the strands.

“That’s enough for today” they hear Andy say, passing Nile a bottle of water and patting her on the shoulder for an effort well made.

Copley’s a double-crossing bastard, but he’s not stupid. This way isn’t working for Nile. But she’s so determined to do this part of the job and none of them want to dissuade her. Retrieving the stolen artwork has been her gig from the start, she was the one who brought it to Copley.  If she triggers the lasers, it’s nothing they can’t handle but it’s a challenge she hasn’t had before and Nile is determined as ever to rise to it.

Sure enough, the next thing is Nile saying “I can do this” as much to herself as to Andy.

“We know you can” Quynh unfurls herself from where she’s been watching, “But a break might help. Try again later and it will go smoother for the rest.”

---

About an hour later, the pedestrian access door into the warehouse bangs open and Nile shouts, “ANDY! Andy, I’ve got it!”

Looking up from the mess of schematics, tea things and poker chips, they see Nile striding triumphantly into the space. She hits the loading bay door control panel. There’s a bit of banging of something that sounds heavy and likely expensive, when Booker appears on the other side with a flatbed trolley; two massive loudspeakers precariously loaded atop it.

Nicky wonders briefly what they’ve done with Copley. He’s probably weeping over the budget somewhere, because they definitely didn’t own these speakers this morning.

Something he’s grown to love about Nile, something they all love her for truly, is her innovation. It’s similar to Andy in a way, and maybe in a thousand years they’ll get to know Nile’s way of thinking well enough that they can see her logic but the thrill of the surprise is a treat in itself for the time being.

Once they get the speakers unloaded and set up, Nile walks towards the red string maze again like a gymnast taking first position. She nods at Booker and at her cue, he hits play on her iPod.

A pop song with a heavy beat starts thudding through the warehouse, filling the space so that the room itself thrums with sound. Casting a quick glance at each other, they watch as Nile starts working through the crisscross of threads. It’s…transformative. She’s clearly focused; her jaw set determinedly as she moves through the set-up. But her moves are more sinuous than they had been earlier. The air of distraction is gone and it is like watching a dance; the way she twists and slips through. The threads don’t touch her. Before they know it she’s made it through to the other side of the mats. She’s giving a victory bow as the song fades out.

“Nearly three minutes exactly” Booker announces, pausing the music having evidently been timing her.

Nile beams at them, hands on her hips. “I realized that the counting was putting me off. Sorry, Andy. I train better when I’ve got my music blasting and I suddenly thought what if I can time myself to a song roughly the same time as the we’ve got before the timer on the laser resets. What d’you think?”

It’s clear from Andy’s face that she’s thinking, the world’s best strategist, assessing what she’s just seen. The smile that breaks over her face is like the sun coming up; intrigued and pleased all at once. Something she appreciates probably most of all of them is someone realizing their potential.

“I think we’ll walk it”

---

“The Storm on the Sea of Gallilee by Rembrandt has been returned to the Isabella Stewart Gardener Museum, having been deemed lost after a burglary more than thirty years ago. It was discovered this morning by a cleaner, along with a note that read ‘Thought you should have this back. Thief’s details with Interpol. Love your friendly neighbourhood Spiderman’. More on this story at-“

That piece had been one of his bloody favourites and now all he’s got is a bleached spot on the wall and probably about twenty minutes before the cops show up. What he’d dearly like to know is how they even got in and why his Spotify has a Sophie Ellis-Bextor song in his recently liked that wasn’t there before.

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

hi there, i was wondering if you help me type myself. i used to type as a enfp, but i retook the the test like a couple months ago and tried to be more realistic ab myself and i got entp. that was sufficient enough for me but i tend to hyper-fixate on concepts that intrigue me bc i wanna know all ab it and stuff. i took another test from the personality hacker (the others were 16personalities) and i got intj consistently 1/5

im a perfectionist and when i have a vision for a project, i have the work ethic to execute it details and all. when i plan something i have one overarching plan then several contingency plans for that plan then alternatives to those plans. my therapist says i live too much in the future, i don’t appreciate what i have today bc i’m too busy planning tomorrow, that i don’t accept things for what they are bc i’m pondering what they could/should be or i think too deeply ab superficial stuff 2/5

i get hunches all the time, like i took one look at my friend and knew that he had just lost his virginity bc he acted diff from his norm. the answer could’ve been anything but ik it was sex (i was right). surprising me is difficult bc i usually get hunches that something is up. i over analyze everything and i cannot take things at face value. rules have to be logical for me otherwise i’ll critique them. i don’t like authority but like to always be in control (???) 3/5

i don’t like expressing my feelings and prefer to suppress them and deal with them on my own. at the same time i’m usually the shoulder my friends cry on and i’m pretty nurturing. i’m charismatic and good at reading nonverbal cues. i’m pretty friendly and warm and ppl generally like me but i don’t think this is my real personality (think customer service) and when i’m in social mode too long, i need to be alone otherwise i get irritable. ppl often are surprised by how quiet and serious i am 4/5i think ppl can be a lil too emotional, esp in work or debates. i don’t like conflicts but i love to argue. sometimes i wish ppl could disconnect from their feelings as easily as I can. i’m pretty blunt but i believe in tact. i often feel a lotta things to be common sense and when i express this ppl are usually shocked. ppl frustrate me when they aren’t efficient, try to boss me around, refuse to argue their beliefs, are illogical. when i loop, i isolate myself and stay in my head. 5/5

------------------

Hi anon,

I am leaning towards ENTP.

Part 1: tests suck and honestly if someone doesn’t get INTJ on a free MBTI test I start to wonder what their deal is. Literally everyone gets INTJ. It’s bullshit.

Part 2: having a plan and living too much in the future without focusing on what you have now are most commonly associated with high Ni, but Ni is also not in my experience as good at contingencies. I would rule out high Se, but either high Si (planning and contingencies) or high Ne would be possible. Your writing style reminds me more of Si-Ne users and particularly high Ne users as does the statement of thinking very deeply about superficial stuff, so I’m putting a pin in that for now.

Part 3: most people get hunches - I’ve had some seriously strong (and correct) ones in my life and my intuition is last, because those hunches require an understanding of changed sensory signs typically (eg: weird behavior triggers the idea that something is up and then you can reason your way through what might be going on). However, frequently trusting hunches without waiting for confirmation is more consistent with intuition.

For the part regarding rules this is a case where examples are absolutely crucial. I spend a lot of my time at work arguing with high Ti users, for example, and both of us firmly feel we’re being the logical and efficient one, so it’s hard to do any typing with out understanding. Not liking authority but liking being in control sounds more like it could come from enneagram, but also it would be consistent with either ENFP or ENTP.

Part 4: Being private emotionally is also somewhat dependent on other factors - both Ne-dom types actually can be very private emotionally in my experience, which is where I’m leaning at this point. I think it’s also worth looking into what sort of balance you need regarding people; I don’t typically find Ne-aux types to be super nurturing, and everyone needs some time alone so it’s worth considering that part outside of MBTI; plenty of extroverts under the MBTI system are fairly close to the middle when it comes to actual alone time requirements.

Part 5: Not liking conflict but liking to argue is often a hallmark of high Ti, and again, it’s really important to understand what people mean by efficiency. For example: Te users are perfectly happy to brute force a solution if it’s an urgent problem/one-time issue, because in their mind, the efficient thing is to get it done when it’s needed and a little busywork is fine as it saves a lot of time designing the perfect system. Ti users don’t think this way typically; they see most brute force solutions as inherently inefficient because they can’t be reused. (apologies for some of my notes on high Ti; today was a particularly difficult Te vs. Ti argument day at work)

With regards to looping: if you don’t have a confident typing of your baseline, I really do not believe it’s possible to reliably type what your loop behavior is. Which isn’t to say that you’re wrong about your stress behavior - withdrawing and overanalyzing is very common stress behavior and I would say it’s extremely likely and understandable in fact for an ENTP under stress - it’s just not a loop in the very narrow MBTI definition.

[anewdiscipleofdiscipline]

so on Reddit, there was an askreddit about what you’d say to your 15 year old self.... I... decided I wanted that on here, too.

Start building yourself now. Don't try to bury your emotions, learn to cope with and manage them. Becoming cold will only make your traumatic defense mechanism worse. Trust me.

Start pushing your comfort zone. I know you're avoiding human touch and contact because of what was done to you, but if you don't try to start getting over that, you'll be 29 and still terrified of it, still yearning for sex and maybe even emotional intimacy, if you took my advice about not becoming cold and detached.

People will hurt you. But sometimes you have to realize you're the one being thin-skinned. That doesn't mean your feelings are invalid, it means they're your responsibility to overcome them. That doesn't mean accepting disrespect. Be direct. Don't avoid confrontation, but don't make things into a battle. I've learned diplomacy is many times more effective than trying to brute force/yell your way into "being right" and "winning." You don't need to be right, and you don't need to win... You just need to show the other person your side of things... After that, you'll have been true to yourself and it's now out of your hands and up to them. That said, not everyone will respond to this. Sometimes you have to be harsh to people who only respond to harshness. It sucks, and you're going to be tempted to use your skill at going for the jugular, but don't. Restraint is still important even when someone pushes you into a corner. You're smart. Don't waste that. But use it to start learning how to learn and study properly now. Trust me, bud, at my age, it's too late. Don't be arrogant about that intelligence though... You still need to work your ass off. Talent or innate ability only gets anyone so far, so you better keep that fire inside you lot, because you're going to need it. Also, get back on the Ritalin. You'll find studying far less frustrating.

Back to what I was saying... Be direct. You like something about someone, tell them. Make it something specific to them. That's the real way to give a compliment. Nobody wants to be told they're sexy by someone they don't feel safe around or don't find attractive. Also don't give compliments to get things... Give them because you genuinely mean it. And be upfront and direct when you like someone. Just fucking tell them, and let them decide what to do or what happens with that information. If they don't want you back, don't pine. Trust me, you'll waste a shit ton of your life in the future if you don't learn to move on to the other 2-3 girls I remember I liked back then. Maybe all of them will reject you. It doesn't matter. As long as you were yourself, you were honest and considerate of them, you've done your best and your part. It just means you weren't a match with them. Someone will be. Or multiple someones. It happened eventually. And I don't mean the depressed, socially anxious you, I mean the real you. The you with the mischievous smile and gleam in your eye, but goodness in your heart and laughter on your lips. You can do it.

Lastly, get into strength training and get into it ASAP. Film all of your lifts. Ask people to critique them, it will save you a severe back injury someday. Also, even though you'll be good at it... Don't squat. Your body isn't suited for it and it'll give you your second serious injury. Sumo deadlifts will be your best friend. Oh, and learn to use your abs to brace properly... Idiot.

There's darkness inside of you, but man, if you listen to me... It'll teach you to appreciate the light. Do those things that scare you. If you don't, that fear will grow and one day own you, body, mind and soul. You can escape the Abyss. You can ride from it like the Phoenix out of the ashes. One day that image will save you... So hang on to it.

And... Learn to love you. Because you don't want to get to our current age and still hate yourself. Its awful and unfair to you.

Good luck and Godspeed.

[pricelessmomentblog]

How to Be Nice (Without Being a Pushover)

We live in an age of snark. Meanness is celebrated as wit. Vicious attack is considered brave honesty.

Niceness, the apologists for this current state of affairs claim, is an inferior virtue. Truth is what matters. Those who refuse to listen to harsh truths are really to blame. Or perhaps it’s confidence and strength which matter more. People who put niceness first end up putting themselves last.

I disagree.

Not only is niceness a sorely underrated virtue, it is the exact one needed in our times.

Niceness complements truth-telling. Harsh honesty doesn’t convert believers—it galvanizes opponents and turns the open-minded quest for truth into mud slinging.

Being nice doesn’t make you weak. Instead it wins you allies and builds trust. Benjamin Franklin, as a young boy, quickly discovered he won more arguments with probing questions than direct refutation. Laozi wrote in the Dao De Jing, that the wise path was to return hostility with benevolence.

The Underrated Virtue of Niceness

Often a failure to be nice is really a failure of social skills. Those who can’t understand how their words and actions don’t create the desired effect in others’ minds, quickly rationalize their own failure onto the “thin skin” of other people.

I myself have failed this way numerous times. An unfunny joke, insensitive comment or failure to listen have resulted in seeming rude.

That’s okay. One can recognize that their abilities prevent them from always reaching an ideal, while still believing that the ideal is worth reaching. The person who strives to be nice, even if their efforts aren’t always successful, will do much better in the long run than the person who has decided to reject the effort.

With that in mind, here’s some strategies you can apply to help you on your quest to be a nicer person:

1. You Earn Respect By Giving It

One of the best lessons ever taught to me was that people respect those who respect them.

This may sound obvious, until you realize that a large percentage of people in this world actually believe the opposite. Many people believe in a hierarchical model of respect—where earning one person’s respect can only come from them recognizing your higher status. If you show respect, you’re showing your inferiority.

This is simply not how the world works. Human beings, first and foremost, are trying to assess whether someone is a friend or enemy in their interactions. Rudeness doesn’t win begrudging respect. It encourages that person to see you as hostile.

Find something to respect in the other person you’re talking to. This is especially true if you later want to disagree with them or challenge their opinion.

2. Return Rudeness with Kindness

I’ve gotten a lot of emails. Most people are positive, but sometimes I’ve been hit with mean and rude comments. My strategy has often been to respond to that rudeness with an unflinching politeness. In 90% of cases, the person upon seeing my response, apologizes for their earlier outburst.

When I’ve failed to follow this approach—either by debating the comment or attacking back—my success rates plummet. The other person doubles-down on whatever made them angry in the moment and it’s impossible to recover a pleasant dialog.

How many vitriolic arguments could be defused with this strategy? How much anger could be spared if there was a safety margin of niceness before hatred was returned in kind?

3. Practice Listening

Most of social skill is listening, not speaking. Those who have charisma do so because of their ability to make you feel listened to, not simply talked at.

Everyone has their own story they tell themselves. Listening means trying to really understand the story that person tells themselves—even if it is not the story you would tell about them.

The worst offense you can cause a person is to reject their narrative. To tell them that the story they tell themselves is invalid, and thus everything the feel and believe is wrong.

Listening doesn’t necessitate agreement. But most disagreements aren’t caused by deeply understanding the story a person tells about themselves and then rejecting it. They’re caused by rejecting the person’s story, before you’ve even had a chance to listen.

4. Know Your Forum

Will your audience find it funny or offensive? Intelligent or cruel and calculating? Helpful or threatening? Much of niceness is understanding who is going to hear your message.

This is much easier to do with people you know better. Which is also why edgy jokes and friendly insults work—they signal that you know the audience well enough to pull it off without causing offense.

Some people don’t like this. They wish forums were more open to free expression, and less restricted by what some people might view as nice. I’m sympathetic to this view, but I believe the reality doesn’t match the theory so well. In practice, forums which discourage niceness aren’t utopia of free expression: they’re vile pits of hatred and attack. Only with some shared standards of discussion is discussion even possible.

Ultimately, I believe the best thing to protect free speech is a kind of niceness. Not to shelter people from ideas they don’t want to hear, but to avoid driving away civil discussion with unfiltered nastiness.

5. Ask for Honest Assessments From Those You Trust

If you’re serious about being a nicer, more likeable person, ask those you trust what your flaws are.

Knowing is only the first step, but it’s an important one. If you don’t know what your flaws are, then you can’t possibly correct them.

It’s strange to me that in a world where people will invest thousands of hours to get six-pack abs, advanced degrees and fancy cars—so that people will like and respect them—that feedback into the most direct solution is so rarely sought.

6. If You Can’t Say Anything Nice…

…find a nicer way to say it. The great advantage of human language is that the literal content of almost any message can be delivered with a wide range of emotional tone—from hostile to apologetic.

If you need to give a harsh truth, criticism or something which might be perceived as an attack, then it is best to wrap that message first with one which affirms the value of your relationship to the person receiving it.

Too many people see this step as being insincere or unnecessary in our age of rapid communication. Why can’t I just skip the pleasantries and communicate more efficiently? While it might be easier if this were true, this policy is going to end up causing more harm than it is worth by alienating those who want to help you.

7. If Your Niceness is Being Abused, Be Firm, Not Nasty

The major worry people have about niceness is that it will be taken advantage of. This, in my mind, is a rather separate issue of conflating niceness with always acquiescing to the desires of other people. You can be nice and still say no.

People like to use this as a knockdown critique against niceness, without realizing that the same principle undermines every form of human goodness: from charity to justice. If the other party is a cheater, acting in bad faith, then of course they can take advantage of your virtues. The solution isn’t to abandon virtue but be firm with the cheater.

Firmness—either by removing the offending person from your sphere of contact, or by choosing to interact with them in the most limiting manner possible—is a much better solution than to go for the attack. Wars, both real and metaphorical, cause damage for both sides, and so peace between enemies is almost always preferable to outright confrontation.

The Niceness is in the Details

Ultimately, no virtue is so all-encompassing that, done excessively and with the wrong intentions, it cannot end up becoming a vice. Excessive flattery, inauthenticity of emotional responses, monotone positivity and supplicating smarm are all ways where otherwise legitimately “nice” behavior can become a liability.

However, this is also true of any other virtue: honesty, thrift, industry, courage, humility or charity. It doesn’t take a philosopher to find cases where those ideals can be twisted into applications no one would support.

This is just another way of saying that reality is complex, and sometimes single-word descriptions of virtue are inadequate to cover that reality. But the failure of certain perversions of niceness doesn’t detract from the fact that being a nicer person is usually beneficial both to you, and to the world at large.

How to Be Nice (Without Being a Pushover) syndicated from https://pricelessmomentweb.wordpress.com/

[pricelessmomentblog]

How to Be Nice (Without Being a Pushover)

We live in an age of snark. Meanness is celebrated as wit. Vicious attack is considered brave honesty.

Niceness, the apologists for this current state of affairs claim, is an inferior virtue. Truth is what matters. Those who refuse to listen to harsh truths are really to blame. Or perhaps it’s confidence and strength which matter more. People who put niceness first end up putting themselves last.

I disagree.

Not only is niceness a sorely underrated virtue, it is the exact one needed in our times.

Niceness complements truth-telling. Harsh honesty doesn’t convert believers—it galvanizes opponents and turns the open-minded quest for truth into mud slinging.

Being nice doesn’t make you weak. Instead it wins you allies and builds trust. Benjamin Franklin, as a young boy, quickly discovered he won more arguments with probing questions than direct refutation. Laozi wrote in the Dao De Jing, that the wise path was to return hostility with benevolence.

The Underrated Virtue of Niceness

Often a failure to be nice is really a failure of social skills. Those who can’t understand how their words and actions don’t create the desired effect in others’ minds, quickly rationalize their own failure onto the “thin skin” of other people.

I myself have failed this way numerous times. An unfunny joke, insensitive comment or failure to listen have resulted in seeming rude.

That’s okay. One can recognize that their abilities prevent them from always reaching an ideal, while still believing that the ideal is worth reaching. The person who strives to be nice, even if their efforts aren’t always successful, will do much better in the long run than the person who has decided to reject the effort.

With that in mind, here’s some strategies you can apply to help you on your quest to be a nicer person:

1. You Earn Respect By Giving It

One of the best lessons ever taught to me was that people respect those who respect them.

This may sound obvious, until you realize that a large percentage of people in this world actually believe the opposite. Many people believe in a hierarchical model of respect—where earning one person’s respect can only come from them recognizing your higher status. If you show respect, you’re showing your inferiority.

This is simply not how the world works. Human beings, first and foremost, are trying to assess whether someone is a friend or enemy in their interactions. Rudeness doesn’t win begrudging respect. It encourages that person to see you as hostile.

Find something to respect in the other person you’re talking to. This is especially true if you later want to disagree with them or challenge their opinion.

2. Return Rudeness with Kindness

I’ve gotten a lot of emails. Most people are positive, but sometimes I’ve been hit with mean and rude comments. My strategy has often been to respond to that rudeness with an unflinching politeness. In 90% of cases, the person upon seeing my response, apologizes for their earlier outburst.

When I’ve failed to follow this approach—either by debating the comment or attacking back—my success rates plummet. The other person doubles-down on whatever made them angry in the moment and it’s impossible to recover a pleasant dialog.

How many vitriolic arguments could be defused with this strategy? How much anger could be spared if there was a safety margin of niceness before hatred was returned in kind?

3. Practice Listening

Most of social skill is listening, not speaking. Those who have charisma do so because of their ability to make you feel listened to, not simply talked at.

Everyone has their own story they tell themselves. Listening means trying to really understand the story that person tells themselves—even if it is not the story you would tell about them.

The worst offense you can cause a person is to reject their narrative. To tell them that the story they tell themselves is invalid, and thus everything the feel and believe is wrong.

Listening doesn’t necessitate agreement. But most disagreements aren’t caused by deeply understanding the story a person tells about themselves and then rejecting it. They’re caused by rejecting the person’s story, before you’ve even had a chance to listen.

4. Know Your Forum

Will your audience find it funny or offensive? Intelligent or cruel and calculating? Helpful or threatening? Much of niceness is understanding who is going to hear your message.

This is much easier to do with people you know better. Which is also why edgy jokes and friendly insults work—they signal that you know the audience well enough to pull it off without causing offense.

Some people don’t like this. They wish forums were more open to free expression, and less restricted by what some people might view as nice. I’m sympathetic to this view, but I believe the reality doesn’t match the theory so well. In practice, forums which discourage niceness aren’t utopia of free expression: they’re vile pits of hatred and attack. Only with some shared standards of discussion is discussion even possible.

Ultimately, I believe the best thing to protect free speech is a kind of niceness. Not to shelter people from ideas they don’t want to hear, but to avoid driving away civil discussion with unfiltered nastiness.

5. Ask for Honest Assessments From Those You Trust

If you’re serious about being a nicer, more likeable person, ask those you trust what your flaws are.

Knowing is only the first step, but it’s an important one. If you don’t know what your flaws are, then you can’t possibly correct them.

It’s strange to me that in a world where people will invest thousands of hours to get six-pack abs, advanced degrees and fancy cars—so that people will like and respect them—that feedback into the most direct solution is so rarely sought.

6. If You Can’t Say Anything Nice…

…find a nicer way to say it. The great advantage of human language is that the literal content of almost any message can be delivered with a wide range of emotional tone—from hostile to apologetic.

If you need to give a harsh truth, criticism or something which might be perceived as an attack, then it is best to wrap that message first with one which affirms the value of your relationship to the person receiving it.

Too many people see this step as being insincere or unnecessary in our age of rapid communication. Why can’t I just skip the pleasantries and communicate more efficiently? While it might be easier if this were true, this policy is going to end up causing more harm than it is worth by alienating those who want to help you.

7. If Your Niceness is Being Abused, Be Firm, Not Nasty

The major worry people have about niceness is that it will be taken advantage of. This, in my mind, is a rather separate issue of conflating niceness with always acquiescing to the desires of other people. You can be nice and still say no.

People like to use this as a knockdown critique against niceness, without realizing that the same principle undermines every form of human goodness: from charity to justice. If the other party is a cheater, acting in bad faith, then of course they can take advantage of your virtues. The solution isn’t to abandon virtue but be firm with the cheater.

Firmness—either by removing the offending person from your sphere of contact, or by choosing to interact with them in the most limiting manner possible—is a much better solution than to go for the attack. Wars, both real and metaphorical, cause damage for both sides, and so peace between enemies is almost always preferable to outright confrontation.

The Niceness is in the Details

Ultimately, no virtue is so all-encompassing that, done excessively and with the wrong intentions, it cannot end up becoming a vice. Excessive flattery, inauthenticity of emotional responses, monotone positivity and supplicating smarm are all ways where otherwise legitimately “nice” behavior can become a liability.

However, this is also true of any other virtue: honesty, thrift, industry, courage, humility or charity. It doesn’t take a philosopher to find cases where those ideals can be twisted into applications no one would support.

This is just another way of saying that reality is complex, and sometimes single-word descriptions of virtue are inadequate to cover that reality. But the failure of certain perversions of niceness doesn’t detract from the fact that being a nicer person is usually beneficial both to you, and to the world at large.

How to Be Nice (Without Being a Pushover) syndicated from https://pricelessmomentweb.wordpress.com/