#[ but i can alter it if u dont like it ]
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the sparkledog of the pack
#in my lore they all can transform fully into quadruped wolves but they dont do that often because it is Especially Painful because#of how anatomy has to be extremely altered#but for the sake of exaggerating how ridiculous rozkurw looks when compared to literally everyone else. regular wolves it is#i mean none of them is 100% realistic wolf. they keep their piercings and glasses and such#fiona has small anime fringe. małgo has a bit more dog-like features because shes kinda like an akita to me#man i wanna make an infographic on my werewolf lore theres quite a lot of it. and also proper refs for all the 3000 with lots of info#that most would find unnecessary lol#my art#3000#rory oaklow#<- posting this to the tag idgaf. barely any original drawings happening in there#i do still check it every now and then. love u rory#the sims 4 werewolves#the 3000 the most important sims 4 werewolves. to me. and to yall also
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day 65 drawing len until my preorder arrives
i like that stupid edgy song a lot
requests open! ☆ 3 in inbox (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*.✧
#my art#art#kagamine len#vocaloid fanart#vocaloid#drawing len everyday until my preorder arrives#technically a request bcuz my alter really wanted me to draw this one 😭#dude i completed this in LIKE AN HOUR. CAN U BELIVE IT. IT WAS SO FAST#usually paintings take 2-7 hours....#or weeks sometimes.... im getting better..#scheduled for like 13:00 on Friday so i dont have to draw that day bcuz im going to the doctor 😔😔#if it makes u feel worse the file name for this one was ''black and white ward more like gay faggot ward am i right"#qiekz hall of yay
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waow
#before anything else i must warn this is going to be. unorganized thoughts mostly#in the last year or so ive tried to regain confidence that i am in fact plural and am not just faking it#or mistaking other symptoms for DID. shake off the denial y'know. as is so signature for this damn disorder#a diagnosis probably wouldnt even make me feel more sure lol. and also getting diagnosed for this specifically is like#the final boss of psychiatry to put it lightly lol#but when it quiets down in headspace ur always gonna feel like. maybe its over. whatever that was#it was just me and brandy for a while#but guess who had a godawful night and then a godawful morning and split a new alter ‼️‼️🔥🔥🔥🔥#he hates it here! he might hate me for creating him! im not sure !#hell im not even rly sure if im juno or brandy rn lol. my mind is just so messy today#i woke up.. when did i wake up. like 9:30 i think and its 1pm now and i haven't gotten out of bed#i don't even remember all that time passing . i couldve sworn its only been like an hour. two at most#on the one hand this has all been kinda terrible and mentally exhausting but at the same time. hey cant say im faking now LMAO#the other hand is brandy. the other hand is absolutely brandy. i am tired lol#im only posting this here so i can just like. process it i guess#ive had a weird time finding an outlet to just spew random thoughts into since leaving twitter so. sorry#idk if anyone's expecting this of me but i always kinda feel like i need some level of professionalism on this account#keyword some. i know this is tumblr#but idk if these very open posts are. annoying? weird? uncomfortable? entertaining somehow?#i know I know theres no point in worrying abt how others percieve you . knowing that hasnt stopped me from doing it lol#i dont remember where i was going w this. maybe i didnt have a goal in the first place#idk if you read this far i dont rly need u to act like u didnt see it cuz like. wouldnt have posted it otherwise#but idk why i am posting. idk what i want out of anyone who has read all this#maybe just. interact w this post in some way idk. it's actually kinda grounding for me if you can believe it#bleghh im thinkin of cheating on my weed break just to treat myself after all this. weed + a long walk would fix me
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tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"
#bakuspeech#number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u#he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up#(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out)#we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment#and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here#but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something#but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku#but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this#this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and#that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing#but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it#its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with#and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually#I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay#but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol#not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real#and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself#and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god#that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao#but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them#have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway
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man. i really don’t care about robots.
#like in any media ever#idc if in detroit become human the robots can feel. bc tbh im like ‘no they can’t they’re robots’#like i just don’t think any piece of technology will ever gain sentience ever. so i dont care. throw that fucker away.#does this make sense???#i can’t think of anything less sexy than the cold hard embrace of a machine that operates from the will of doing what it thinks it wants to#i just don’t care for it but props to ppl who do. i can’t.#i think in general inorganicconcepts in the context of human intimate relationships is just so fundamentally unappealing to me#like idk. it’s probably just me.#i think it’s also the idea (in robot/human pairings) that it can never be /real/ in the ways that matters#or that most of the times robots are a substitute for grief over someone lost#or that they’re uncanny imposters#interesting ideas for sure but i can never really be into them as characters onto their own#like i dont care about their identity to me they’re identitiless chameleons who are by design always trying to replicate something else.#something or someone they were made for#they don’t have autonomy they will never have true autonomy because something in them is designed to alter them to a desired state#i also think with like current affairs with ai and whatnot it just sours the idea even more#part of it is also I dont think robots/the Machine’s (capital M) issues will ever feel tangible to me#a lot of robots in media have their struggles focused on identity and autonomy and i alr dismiss the notion that robots can ever gain#enough awareness to feel#so what does that leave me to care about?#plus i find most robot designs really lame…#sorry if u like robots btw i just needed somewhere to put my thoughts 🥹 if u do good for u#personal.txt#i’ll see if this opinion holds up with m/etal sonic lol#i know he’s a fan favourite
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know that im constantly thinking abt the tag t4t!mai/todo. gotta be one of the most iconic tags ever.
#the fic is abt like a different pairing. we're ignoring that part. but like#trans todo changed my world view. i dont even like him that much but i adore that hc#then again u can trans most jjk characters and id be like yeah that fucks#trans!nanami? incredible as a metaphor#ykw what would alter me? t4t!stsg#i feel like thats already a thing#Trans gojo has 344 fics?? damn#good for him/her/them??#trans geto has 178 fics which also impressive#barely a scroll in and ive found a t4t!stsg fic. ok win.#myle yaps abt jjk
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the villainess flips the script is a really fun manhwa with gorgeous art and my wonderful son luca who is a little bitch who i love so much BUT i will say. the family tree situation as the story has gone on makes my head hurt
#luca buddy im sorry ur family tree has at least one circle in it#somehow the most. ethical? incest? his parents were unknowing um. second cousins? hold on i need to work this out#are they second cousins or are they first cousins once removed. i need to consult charts#I THINK they were second cousins. lets go with that. okay so they were second cousins who didnt know they were second cousins#accidentally having a drunken one night stand and thats how luca came to be. no personal relation and apparently risk of like#genetic issues goes down with second cousins. so i guess its like. the most um. 'ethical'? it could possible be. but still :(#but also luca love interest is his second cousin too maybe? the kid of his blond great uncle???? i dont know man#all so the main character can turn out to be secretly royalty orz TOO COMPLICATED too complicated#although i guess this is how a lot of historical royal and noble families were tho. a bit circular.#that is something i would change tho if i wrote this. first of all i would make judith his bio mom instead of pretending#because i think a fl who had a drunken one night stand the dead playboy brother of her LI is just really interesting LOL#but also i would just like. remove her relation to the royal family entirely#but thats me personally. i find the main character finding out about secret royal blood trope suuuuper boring LOL#but it is common in stories like this so i deal. but in this case i would absolute strike out that plotline. maybe give it to#luca instead like make him look oddly like his great grandma and make the former king obsess over him instead#we'd still get a lot of the same plot beats because of judiths relation to him but just without the loopy family tree JKSDJHDKs#ALSO also i would make lucas relationship with rudiger stronger. NOT SAPPIER like the original in universe novel i like the difference#but i would make them closer in like a shitty uncle who sucks that you hang out with anyway and the shitty nephew u lovingly bully#sort of way. if that makes sense. one problem i have with a lot of villianess stories that have a kid in it is when the love interest like#doesn't have much of a relationship with the kid. i think its lame. i want them to be CLOSE not just like mild coworkers#but thats just me. thats just me#despite all i just said i still really like it. rudiger is cute luca is my baby boy who i love so much and judith is so silly and i love he#great characters even if i would personally alter their relationships
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...
#sorry i cant shut the fuck up today. i think i just feel worse on the weekends bc i kno i shoulf b relaxing#ppl r telling me to relax. take a break. let me kno how i can help. let me kno if theres a problem. bc my behavior is apparently ya kno like#visibly somethings not right. but how tf am i supposed to relax when i have so much to do#so im stuck spiraling like dont work but also think insistently abt working. but get nothing done. its horrible#mostly rn im stressed abt all the grading i havent done and the work on my masters data i havent done#but its like. something in my head is on fire and it's burning thru all my cognitive energy. i am just trying to keep existing#how tf am i supposed to find the energy to read 45 lab reports? im like illiterate#and idk i just feel bad about coming into a new lab being so sick. i just dont like being a problem#it also does not reflect well on my future career that im being such a flake on things. like sorry if i have to work on my research#assistant data rn i might die ✌️ ugh. itll b fine. i just need to find a way to effectively manage my head#and i keep hearing my dads voice in my head talking abt personal responsibility but like i dont even kno how to employ that. i could suck#it up and double down on productivity but that way leads to burnout and self destruction. do i doubke down on relaxing?#i dont kno how to do that. like u would probably just have to drug me. which is y i do not partake in substances. that way also leads#to self destruction. so what am i do to? cross my fingers and pray for a fluctuation in my general mood?#hope that aliens invade and that an incoming invasion sharpens my focus onto only one single thing?#idk. but my sister is finally working on the fish i askrd her yo draw me. so i gotta think of how i wanna get it tattooed#bc shes not an art person and its an act of indulging chaos to get an imperfect image tattooed onto me#so i might have to do some things to make it make me not insane. i asked for this bc i like causing myself problems. also i was in a#slightly altered state of mind when i asked lol but i stand by it haha. anyway. idk things r just annoying and hard rn as i knew they would#b. and im good at catching myself before things get dangerous but it sucks that i feel like a ticking time bomb of destruction. ugh.#unrelated
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I'm in a Mood. anyone want tarot readings this week? don't ask me anything your fate hinges on like should you quit your job but DO ask me where that thing you're missing is or what kind of meal you should cook or, like, what your cat wants you to know. or just advice for your week idk
I'll be reading with the alleyman's tarot
EDIT: OH YOU SHOULD ASK ME QUESTIONS ABT UR STORIES
#but I can be tempted into reading with the numinous tarot or one of my wtnv decks if u ask extra real niceys#also you can ask me anything lol#i just dont like reading for things that can. like. completely alter the course of your life. do not put that in my hands fjfjdkfjd
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i feel like an ass for asking my irls to like. Not Buy shit from a western artist who knowingly platformed a grifter who would go on to directly cause a friend of mine and one of my alters to attempt suicide. but at the same time its like. are the lives of those people *really* not worth missing out on a kure chan collab w her???
#my post#tired#vent#not gonna mention the artist/influencer in question#bc her fans and coworkers again#harass people incessantly#but if u know who im referring to as kure chan#and u know ab the upcoming collab#u can probably guess#just. dont put her name on this post i dont feel like getting suibaited#or told to kms#or sent gore#or have my url posted on twitter and have teenagers be enouraged to send me hate asks#or any of the shit that happened to the two ppl i mentioned as a result of what the person did#im not leaving her name out of the post out of respect#its out of not wanting to be killed by an alter committing suicide
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ykno how sometimes u maybe 'forget' what u were doing and have to say smth outloud like 'what was i doing?' to remind urself when u prob knew all along? its like when u hear clearly and understand what someone said but go 'what?'. i think thats how i could describe our experiences in more understandable terms.
#checkmates chatter#for the most part memories are shared ykno?#but its an alter specific experience#i dont feel comfortable speaking on a headmates exp#nor do i feel like i can#its not locked away its in vision#but its like theres a clear glass wall between it#for some of us when memory is worse#its clouded and foggy#u can barely see through the glass#metaphorically at least#but yeah#/leo
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Im sorry that i keep coming back every half hour but i have more thoughts. One thing ive noticed on twitter mostly is that, when theyre unhappy with a story, people form 2 groups: those who start blaming the characters as if theyre real people, and those who jump straight to "happyele should fire akira". You can have nuance and find a middle ground of normal discussion without getting overly emotional in either direction. Sometimes a character's actions are telling of the writer's personal biases. Sometimes they're highlighting another trait of the character. There's a reason we have both Doylist and Watsonian frameworks of analysis. But i cant expect a huge fandom to sit down and have these conversations collectively.
#i need a proper tl of the hello new year story soon...#and speaking of tsumugi. i got someone being upset(?) that i like an 'ableist character' recently in my tags#i am fairly certain theyre refering to the Nocturne story where tsumugi didnt acknowledge that madonee is an alter#this is why i said sometimes what a character says is indicative of another trait than what you see at face value#to me that interaction was clearly about tsumugi deliberately ignoring that his actions in the war had such permanent repercussions#if you dont acknowledge you traumatized someone then you can continue to think your actions were necessary#im not justifying his actions. if anything ive also gotten vagueposted about that i interpret tsumugi too negatively once#but idk i feel like. if u wanna hate him then hate him properly#you cant interpret a character's actions in a vacuum#theres plenty of characters i find annoying and dont like but i can see their place in the narrative at the end of the day#except for...well. im working on liking him more...ik these jokes are overdone but theres a reason he had mid in his name
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.
#sometimes i wonder if i should just go by maryam professionally#i feel like this would extremely lower my chances of getting outed on accident lmao.#all my branding is centered on my renegaedz username anyway like if i switched over itd alter pretty much nothing.#my dad simultaneously being so neglectful but such a fucking busybody and all my transphobic irls literal only reason id need to do this.#in theory i would not have to have literal separate art identities to keep up the facade but then i would have to play a balancing game#but then this means letting everyone i know irl into my little zone lmaooo i hate everyone .#i hate so many of my irls lol you all make me so fucking mad and make me hate being trans so fucking much sometimes.#why do i have to compromise on who i am just so i can fucking exist#'what if i compromise on how i present myself so i dont need to worry about being open about my art ventures'#all this so i can be open to people who i went through hell for over a decade to#connect to who rejected me already just because im autistic . everyday im violent.#people who would want me to fucking die and spit on my existence forever if they knew i didnt hate gay people#let alone that im fucking trans haha ? hahaha yeah so true i should suck up forever and vie for the attention of people#who hate me already and keep me around to be nice#i hate everyone so fucking much sometimes honestly. you all act like youre on some moral warfront fighting against westerners pushing queer#as if historically queerness was pushed out of muslim communities and south asia because of FUCKING COLONIZATION#i fkjhckjhk يا الله the people on this earth are in their stupidity arc#i hate u all i hate u all . acting like we must fight to protect our communities but then turn a blind eye to how u hurt ur communities.#there aint no fucking queer epidemic and even if it WAS haram you know what is worse? fucking LYING. go worry about THAT#vent#sorry i am so insane rn i have suddenly gotten so mad for no reason lmao
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like ok
> has very definite Trauma Things from various times in life > has difficulty remembering some of them for Various Reasons, while others are. way way way too vivid. > has continuous difficulty sleeping, including a variety of reoccurring disturbing dreams coupled with a general apathy about them (refusal to call most of them nightmares bc most of them im not actually scared in, which kinda rly says smth about me mentally, i think) > general avoidance of Trauma Things > general negative reactions when Trauma Things r brought up
uhmmmm yea ok
#speculation nation#negative/#I Guess . im just kinda sorting it out lol#i can think of like. three or four ish things for sources of these#and like. Childhood. which i remember but also it's spotty. comes largely in assorted memories & me being like 'wow thats fucked up'#Teenage Time. bad relationship etc etc yea it fucked me UP. doing a lot better nowadays but it still permanently altered my brain. like ok#... cat thing. which is probably the most classic sense of ptsd if you consider how i reacted to tally having a bloody poop lmaooo#plus Sudden Death is a stated semi-common ptsd cause. so it. makes sense.#& honestly id probably count covid as a source too. a bit more iffy since it's less personalized. but Man#im definitely somehow even more neurotic now than i was pre-covid so like. that sure says smth.#am i oversharing rn? probably. but it's vague enough so whateverrr#ur following me on the Trauma Sharing Website so if youve read this far that's on u#anyways yea i guess i probably do have ptsd. whoooopssss#still not gonna do anything about it. i dont got time for taking care of my mental health lmaoo
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STOP DOING THIS IN INJURY FICS!!
Bleeding:
Blood is warm. if blood is cold, you’re really fucking feverish or the person is dead. it’s only sticky after it coagulates.
It smells! like iron, obv, but very metallic. heavy blood loss has a really potent smell, someone will notice.
Unless in a state of shock or fight-flight mode, a character will know they’re bleeding. stop with the ‘i didn’t even feel it’ yeah you did. drowsiness, confusion, pale complexion, nausea, clumsiness, and memory loss are symptoms to include.
blood flow ebbs. sometimes it’s really gushin’, other times it’s a trickle. could be the same wound at different points.
it’s slow. use this to your advantage! more sad writer times hehehe.
Stab wounds:
I have been mildly impaled with rebar on an occasion, so let me explain from experience. being stabbed is bizarre af. your body is soft. you can squish it, feel it jiggle when you move. whatever just stabbed you? not jiggly. it feels stiff and numb after the pain fades. often, stab wounds lead to nerve damage. hands, arms, feet, neck, all have more motor nerve clusters than the torso. fingers may go numb or useless if a tendon is nicked.
also, bleeding takes FOREVER to stop, as mentioned above.
if the wound has an exit wound, like a bullet clean through or a spear through the whole limb, DONT REMOVE THE OBJECT. character will die. leave it, bandage around it. could be a good opportunity for some touchy touchy :)
whump writers - good opportunity for caretaker angst and fluff w/ trying to manhandle whumpee into a good position to access both sites
Concussion:
despite the amnesia and confusion, people ain’t that articulate. even if they’re mumbling about how much they love (person) - if that’s ur trope - or a secret, it’s gonna make no sense. garbled nonsense, no full sentences, just a coupla words here and there.
if the concussion is mild, they’re gonna feel fine. until….bam! out like a light. kinda funny to witness, but also a good time for some caretaking fluff.
Fever:
you die at 110F. no 'oh no his fever is 120F!! ahhh!“ no his fever is 0F because he’s fucking dead. you lose consciousness around 103, sometimes less if it’s a child. brain damage occurs at over 104.
ACTUAL SYMPTOMS:
sluggishness
seizures (severe)
inability to speak clearly
feeling chilly/shivering
nausea
pain
delirium
symptoms increase as fever rises. slow build that secret sickness! feverish people can be irritable, maybe a bit of sass followed by some hurt/comfort. never hurt anybody.
ALSO about fevers - they absolutely can cause hallucinations. Sometimes these alter memory and future memory processing. they're scary shit guys.
fevers are a big deal! bad shit can happen! milk that till its dry (chill out) and get some good hurt/comfort whumpee shit.
keep writing u sadistic nerds xox love you
ALSO I FORGOT LEMME ADD ON:
YOU DIE AT 85F
sorry I forgot. at that point for a sustained period of time you're too cold to survive.
pt 2
also please stop traumadumping in the notes/tags, that's not the point of this post. it's really upsetting to see on my feed, so i'm muting the notifs for this post. if you have a question about this post, dm me, but i don't want a constant influx of traumatic stories. xox
#writing tips#writing advice#writing help#writblr#how to write#fiction writing#for writers#on writing#writing stuff#writer life
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EXTREMELY low effort plug n play cover with very default settings mixing i did in like 20 min but im trying out voisona and holy shit tsudumi's 2.0 sounds SO so good
honeymoon un deux trois by dateken (original vocal rin), UST by purblexber
#voisona#vocal synth cover#suzuki tsudumi#needs a lot of work. mostly needs better placed breaths than the default and the legato situation is dire#she just ran a marathon into the studio and immediately started singing no breaks LOL#but man you can hear anju inami's tone clearer here and its great. i always wished she did more solo music#but shes like busy with stage work and whatever else so i understand. so this will do hjkfdhgjkfdgfd thank u anchan for this gift#i dont mind cevio ai's odd max-setting-autotuney sounding engine quirk but man#am i glad they let u have a free voisona license for vocals u bought on cevio because tsudumi specifically i prefer here#she has a warmer tone i think is how id describe it#voisona aint half bad! i do which the pause and play buttons were the same tho but thats a problem i have with cevio too#and i do need to alter the shortcuts because rn ctrl scroll is zoom vertically instead of horizontal which is...lol#but every audio program will have ui quirks so i dont mind. fl studio keeps killing me with the shift scroll not being scroll timeline#and instead being move audio over?? bizarre. oh and i guess voisona keeps glitching out the text in the top bar for some reason#i do like the vibrato editing settings tho. its not super precise it seems but its fast
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