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your-dietician · 4 years ago

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Billie Eilish and the Pursuit of Happiness

New Post has been published on https://tattlepress.com/entertainment/billie-eilish-and-the-pursuit-of-happiness/

Billie Eilish and the Pursuit of Happiness

210413_ROLLING_STONE_06_1486_v4-billie-opener – Credit: Yana Yatsuk for Rolling Stone

From the outside, the house isn’t terribly different from others on the block: a cozy bungalow in L.A.’s Highland Park neighborhood with an old lilac tree blooming near the entrance. In fact, it’s legendary: the place where a prodigal teenager and her older brother recorded the album that made Billie Eilish Pirate Baird O’Connell the queen of Gen-Z pop.

It’s a location familiar to any Eilish fan, and at first glance on an absurdly beautiful day in April, not much appears to have changed about the house in the couple of years since it became famous, along with its teenage occupant. The O’Connell family’s rescue dog, Pepper, trudges through the backyard, now joined by Eilish’s year-old rescue, Shark, a gray pit bull. Signs of home-schooling linger in common areas, like an old-fashioned pencil sharpener attached to the wall and dingy supplies precariously placed on a desk.

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But look closer, and plenty is different. For starters, contemporary pop’s most famous home studio, set up in the childhood bedroom of Billie’s brother Finneas, is no longer a studio. Instead, the siblings’ mom, Maggie Baird, has taken over the space. “It still looks similar. There’s just no equipment,” Billie insists as she greets me in her kitchen, gathering ingredients and utensils for the cookies she wants to bake. Her mom’s added a blue rug to the bedroom and sleeps there with their cat, Misha. “We kept [the studio] for a while, then we were like ‘We don’t need this,’ ” Eilish says.

Finneas moved out a couple of years ago, settling down in Los Feliz with his influencer girlfriend Claudia Sulewski. He constructed a new studio in his basement, where he and Eilish began recording music last year. Eilish is, at first, cagey about admitting that she’s moved out as well. “I’m secretive about what’s really going on,” she offers conspiratorially, rummaging around the cabinets of her parents’ kitchen like a college student visiting home on a long weekend. “It’s been a couple of years now where I’ve been doing my own thing. But secretly, because nobody needs to know that.”

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Eilish hasn’t been totally lying about where she lives; she still spends a lot of nights in her childhood bedroom. “I just love my parents, so I want to be around them,” she says, shrugging. Maggie and her husband, Patrick O’Connell, buzz in and out of the kitchen, commenting on the cookie baking and helping Eilish use the old oven. Eilish is sporting her new blond-bombshell look. A 180 from her formerly signature black-with-green-roots ’do, the new hair caused an uproar when she debuted it on Instagram in March. Today it’s damp from a shower, and she’s cozied up in a black T-shirt from her own merch store, along with a pair of matching sweats. On today’s menu are vegan, gluten-free peanut-butter-and-chocolate-chip cookies. She’s reading off an old recipe displayed on a food-stained printout that has clearly been well-utilized over the years. Eilish used to make them whenever she was sad. “It was a therapeutic thing for me,” she explains.

It’s been a while since she’s made the cookies (“You’re seeing history,” she teases). She’s found other ways to process her feelings, namely through writing her second album, Happier Than Ever, which is due out July 30th. The title is no fiction: She has, in fact, felt happier than she ever had before. But like a lot of things in her life, it’s not quite that simple.

“Almost none of the songs on this album are joyful,” Eilish explains, refuting the possibility that her second album is the bright, cheery counterpoint to 2019’s When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go? The Babadook-inspired debut conjured up vivid memories of night terrors and lucid dreams over textures ranging from industrial electro-pop to jazzy ballads. Her videos were just as dark, full of spiders and black tears covering her face.

On the surface, Happier Than Ever is a different kind of nightmare. Emotional abuse, power struggles, and mistrust — stories drawn from Eilish’s life and the lives of people she knows — take up much of the lyrics, alongside musings on fame and fantasies of secret romantic rendezvous. The sound is mellowed out from the haunted-house sprawl of her debut: lush, somber, mesmerizing electronic soundscapes trickle down your spine, right along with Eilish’s words.

And yet, even on the darkest songs there are moments of reflection, growth and, most important, hope. This is an album from someone who began to heal long before she wrote it. Or at least tried to.

“Have you ever gotten stung on your head by a bee?”

Eilish mentions she got stung “like 20 times” on a camping trip when she was eight or nine. It’s a story she’s told before. “I don’t know why that popped into my head,” she says. “Why did that pop into my head? I have no idea.”

She posed the question after a bit of mesmerized silence as we watched Shark go to town on an empty can of peanut butter. Eilish doesn’t like silence; she even narrates the cookie baking like a food vlogger. She shows me how to make oat flour (“It’s literally oats on their own; pour them in this thing [a Vitamix blender], full power”) and figuring out the right chocolate chip to peanut-butter-dough ratio. (“Some people like too many. I like too little.”)

“I can’t go to the bathroom without watching something on my phone,” she says. “I can’t brush my teeth. I can’t wash my face.” Over the past year she rewatched a lot of things: Sherlock, The Office “probably like six times,” New Girl “like four times,” Jane the Virgin. There was also time for Good Girls, Killing Eve, The Flight Attendant, The Undoing, and Promising Young Woman “like four times.”

“It’s all on my phone,” she explains. She rarely watches anything on TV, except The Twilight Saga, which she took in for the first time recently, with a friend. “I just watch it while I do anything because it takes my mind off the reality of life. I should go on My Strange Addiction,” she says, coincidentally referencing her 2019 song of the same name (which, by the way, samples dialogue from The Office).

Eilish can’t really go outside anymore. There are paparazzi and creeps waiting for her every move, and some have threatened her safety to the point that she needed a restraining order against them. The instant recognizability of her When We All Fall Asleep-era look — bright-green hair, oversize clothes, saucer-like ocean eyes — helped keep her caged. She grew resentful: “I was a kid and I wanted to do kid shit. I didn’t want to be not able to fucking go to a store or the mall. I was very angry and not grateful about it.”

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When We All Fall Asleep and the image she projected at the time marked her uniqueness from the rest of the pop world. But those things also cemented a view of her she’d love to leave behind. I mention an instruction during a musical challenge on a recent season of RuPaul’s Drag Race where a competing drag queen was told the song she was performing was “very Billie Eilish.”

“What do they think when they think that? Do they think what the internet thinks, which is whispering or whatever the fuck people say? Anytime I see an impression on the internet, it just reminds me how little the internet knows about me. Like, I really don’t share shit. I have such a loud personality that makes people feel like they know everything about me and they literally don’t at all.” She wants people to understand a few things: “That I can sing. That I’m a woman. That I have a personality.” Happier Than Ever offers a statement on all of the above.

“Anytime I hear somebody say, ‘Oh, your songs sound the same,’ it gets me. That’s one thing I really try hard to not do. I think the people that say that have literally only heard ‘Bad Guy’ and ‘Therefore I Am.’ ” Both of those songs feature Eilish’s tendency for muted, moody sing-rapping. These days, she’s channeling the jazziness in her voice, a timbre honed from years of touring, on songs like “My Future” and “Your Power.”

Eilish’s privacy was more precious than she had initially realized. She put a lot of herself out for the world to consume early in her career, when she was an “annoying 16-year-old” (her words) trying to engage with her fandom the way she wanted her favorite artists like Justin Bieber to do back when she was a preteen fan. “It’s sad because I can’t give the fans everything they want,” she says. “The bigger I’ve gotten, the more I understand why [my favorite celebrities] couldn’t do all the things I wanted them to do.”

She struggles to find the right way to frame it. “It wouldn’t make sense to people who aren’t in this world. If I said what I was thinking right now, [the fans] would feel the same way I did when I was 11. They’d be like, ‘It would be so easy. You could just do it.’ No. It’s crazy the amount of things you don’t think about before it’s right in front of you.”

Eilish describes her life as “normal as hell,” and at times, it is. She’s watching Twilight. Going on first dates again, as discreetly as possible. Getting first tattoos (she got a giant black dragon on her right thigh in November and “Eilish,” in an ornate, gothic font, in the middle of her chest the day after the 2020 Grammys). “That’s why it’s hilarious when I see, like, ‘10 reasons why we think Billie -Eilish is in the illuminati,’ ” she says. “I’m like, you know how regular I am, dude?”

She wants to share more details with her fans, but the thought makes her nervous. The songs on Happier Than Ever are buzzing with the fear of “interviews, interviews, interviews,” of the names of abusers or toxic friends being forever tied to her, of her own words coming back to haunt her.

“I wish that I could tell the fans everything I think and feel and it wouldn’t live on the internet forever. And be spoken about and called problematic, or called whatever the fuck anybody wants to call any thoughts that a human has,” she explains. “The other sad thing is that they don’t actually know me. And I don’t really know them, but obviously we’re connected. The problem is you feel like you know somebody, but you don’t. And then it’s like, yeah. It’s just a lot.”

We move outside, to the sole picnic table in the yard, and enjoy the warm, crumbly peanut butter cookies. Shark finds a particularly bright patch of sunlight to lie in. Suddenly, he hops up and runs along the fence, in response to the barks of a neighbor’s dog that he desperately wants to befriend. Eilish is a bit jealous.

“Don’t you just wish that was you?”

billie eilish rolling stone cover

“My mom was saying this yesterday,” Eilish says. “When you’re happier than ever, that doesn’t mean you’re the happiest that anyone’s ever been. It means you’re happier than you were before.”

After an adolescence plagued with depression, body dysmorphia, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts, Eilish started feeling better in the summer of 2019, while on tour in Europe. It was shortly after the release of When We All Fall Asleep, and she was seeing a therapist, had just broken up with a boyfriend, and was joined on the road with one of her best friends (as well as, of course, her parents and brother). “I was thriving,” she says. “I felt exactly like who I was. Everything around me was exactly how it was supposed to be. I felt like I was getting better. I felt happier than ever. And I tried to continue that.”

Early 2020 was a whirlwind. Eilish swept the Big Four categories at the Grammys and started a headlining tour that would have eaten up most of her year. She was more excited than she had been for previous tours, which left her with sprained ankles, shin splints, and chronic pain. She played all of three dates before the pandemic forced her to cancel the rest.

Eilish kind of got to say goodbye to the When We All Fall Asleep era (and the look that helped make her famous) at the Grammys this year, performing the one-off single “Everything I Wanted” with Finneas. Happier Than Ever was nearly complete, but she wasn’t yet ready to show off her new blond look. So she hid it beneath a green-and-black wig. “It was weird,” she reflects. “I was playing this former Billie Eilish with green hair, singing a song from a year and a half prior, while I have 16 new songs that I haven’t put out yet. The fans didn’t really even know that it was a goodbye to an era. That’s kind of heartbreaking but endearing at the same time.”

Recorded as the world went on pause, Happier Than Ever was an opportunity to dig into her personal trauma. “I went through some crazy shit, and it really affected me and made me not want to go near anyone ever,” she says, though she declines to give details.

Like everything Eilish does, the lyrics are sure to spark debate, side-eye emojis, and conspiracy theories as people ponder who she’s singing about. The songs are a mosaic of experience, ripped from her own life and those of people she knows. They juggle deadbeats, secret lovers, emotional abusers. Eilish won’t name names or get into specifics, and she’s quick to remind that this is not just her life she’s talking about. But she also says the stories in the new songs are more honest than When We Fall Asleep, which she describes as “almost all fictional.”

Eilish says she’s letting go of the Old Billie, who would tuck away her own emotions to make others feel better. “There’ve been times where I’ve been really affected by somebody, and I said to them, ‘I need to tell you how you’ve made me feel.’ And they said something that was like, ‘I can’t handle this right now. I just can’t handle this right now. This is going to be too much for me.’ ”

She says she spent so long “being fucked with” and had to realize that while the toxic traits she sings about were often born out of pain, that doesn’t make it OK. “I was talking to a friend about their life, and they told me all this crazy traumatizing shit that happened to them. And I’m like, ‘Oh, right, you don’t have to treat everyone like a piece of garbage, just because you’ve been hurt.’ It’s OK to be traumatized by something and have bad instincts, but also, there’s no excuse for abusing people. There just is not. I feel like everything is excuses all the time. Excuses, excuses.”

Album opener “Getting Older” was particularly harrowing to write. “Wasn’t my decision to be abused,” she sings over a delicately plucking synth beat. By the end, she lays bare what’s on her mind. “I’ve had some trauma/Did things I didn’t wanna/Was too afraid to tell ya/But now I think it’s time.” Eilish recognizes how shocked listeners may be by the rawness of the song. “I had to take a break in the middle of writing that one, and I wanted to cry, because it was so revealing. And it’s just the truth.”

The title track, which starts like a mopey breakup song, then fires off into an electric-guitar-driven rager, was the first thing she started writing for the album, back on the European tour where she felt like she was thriving. The rest of the songs bare different kinds of catharsis, teetering between sexy, electronic beats and warm folkiness, reminiscent of her earliest music. Each song is delicate, sensuous, and balancing naked vulnerability with a bit of self-protective confidence posturing.

Writing about her deepest emotions wasn’t easy for someone who had painstakingly kept the details of her relationships under lock and key. “I’ve been in two [relationships],” she says. “I’ve experienced a lot in what I have done. But I’ve never been in something really real and normal.” The news cycle and fan response to her Apple TV documentary, The World’s a Little Blurry, earlier this year cemented her decision not to name names or get specific about details in the new songs. People are like “ ‘Well, you’re an artist, so when you put something out there like that, you can’t expect people to not dive into it more.’ Yes I can,” she says. “You should absolutely respect me giving you this much information and saying, ‘This is all you get.’ The rest is for my own brain.”

billie eilish rolling stone cover

The most the world has gotten to see of Eilish’s romantic life was in The World’s a Little Blurry, which spanned from the final weeks of recording When We All Fall Asleep in late 2018 through the 2020 Grammy Awards. Eilish wasn’t necessarily psyched for it to come out. “I don’t like to share that part of my life, and I was not planning on sharing that part of my life ever,” she says.

Her ex, Brandon Adams, an artist who performs under the name 7:AMP, played a pivotal role in the film. The World’s a Little Blurry showcases a painful give-and-take between Eilish and Adams, who was then in his twenties. In the aftermath of the documentary, fans went after Adams and his family on social media.

Many have assumed Eilish’s chilling single “Your Power,” which mentions a relationship between a teen girl and an older man, is about Adams. Eilish — who released the song in late April, along with a statement saying, in part, “this is about many different situations that we’ve all either witnessed or experience” — strongly objects to this notion. “Everybody needs to shut up,” she says. The documentary, she insists, “was a microscopic, tiny, tiny little bit of that relationship. Nobody knows about any of that, at all. I just wish people could just stop and see things and not have to say things all the time.”

Eilish describes herself as “clingy,” but since she and Adams broke up in 2019, she’s spent the past two years trying to learn how to exist on her own. “I didn’t know how before,” she explains, “which is ironic because I had never been in a relationship that allowed me to really exist with that person anyway. My emotion always is because of somebody else’s, and that had been such a big pain in the ass.”

She’s still trying to grow out of that. “You heal eventually.”

Eilish and I actually weren’t supposed to meet at her parents’ house. She wanted me to see where she recorded Happier Than Ever, in Finneas’ basement studio. But a pipe burst, nearly destroying the space. “The room had to be completely rebuilt,” he explains later over Zoom. “But my hard drives, synthesizers, and guitars and stuff were all fine. I feel very lucky for that.”

Eilish speaks with relief at how much less draining the recording process for Happier Than Ever was compared with her debut. It was partially due to some peak-mom advice from Maggie early in the pandemic. After nearly a month of lockdown, Maggie suggested that her kids get on a weekly schedule. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday, Eilish would drive her matte-black Dodge Challenger over to Finneas’ house. Some days they would write songs. Other days they’d play Animal Crossing or Beat Saber. Every day they would eat good meals: “A lot of Taco Bell, homemade pizza, taro boba, Thai food,” Eilish lists. “Crossroads and Little Pine. Nic’s once. Fatburger once. It was such a reward.”

In The World’s a Little Blurry, the teen’s misery is palpable as she finishes When We All Fall Asleep. Eilish and Finneas had been largely left to their own devices, but pressure still loomed from the label. There were deadlines (the album was due right around her 17th birthday), constant meetings, and an expectation that a star was about to be born, thanks to a couple of years of growing buzz. “I hated every second of it,” she admits. “I hated writing. I hated recording. I literally hated it. I would’ve done anything else. I remember thinking there’s no way I’m making another album after this. Absolutely not.”

This time, there was no pressure. No notes from the label. No meetings. No rush to meet deadlines. “No one has a say anymore,” Billie says. “It’s literally me and Finneas and no one else.” On April 3rd, 2020, the first day of their new weekly work schedule, they wrote “My Future.” Within a couple of months, they realized that they were making an album.

She pulls out a clear acrylic sign holder with the track list written in marker, songs clearly erased and moved around. “I think I’m going to frame this,” she says, smiling. There are some water stains on it, since it got drizzled on when Finneas’ studio flooded.

The 16 songs on the album are the only 16 they worked on. The pair are completists: Once they start a song, they have to see it through with meticulous precision until it’s perfect to them. The way the album sounds is a testament to that, each song a unique, avant-pop soundscape that elevates the baroque trip-hop-ness of her debut.

billie eilish rolling stone cover

“I admire artists that can make, like, three songs in a day and keep doing that over and over,” Eilish muses. She compares songwriting to running, in that it would be “fucking exhausting” to do all the time. “Songwriting is like that for me. I’m pretty good at it, but it takes a lot out of me. I feel like I just ran a marathon whenever I write a song.”

Finneas saw the change in his sister this time around. She liked writing songs, feeling less tortured by the process than before. “It’s been awesome as a big brother to see her become more confident and feel more ownership and just to be more excited than I’ve ever seen her about the music that we’re making,” he says. “I also just think she has objectively gotten even better. That’s my opinion. If she were an Olympic gymnast or something, she would’ve gotten better. She’d be able to do a higher vault or something.”

Since “Bad Guy,” Finneas has become one of pop’s most in-demand producers, working with everyone from Tove Lo to Selena Gomez. He also has his own solo career that’s taken off, though the studio flood came at the worst time possible for it, as he was working on his debut album. Eilish has found Finneas’ career outside of being her creative partner to be “fucking great” and easy for them to adjust to. “It doesn’t interfere at all, and it’s fun for him,” she says. “He only does what he wants to do. He’s not a slave to it.”

“I scratch a lot of itches working with Billie,” Finneas continues. “I think my primary goal was to just go deeper. This was Billie’s sophomore album, you just . . . you have the opportunity to go further inward and further down in your Mariana’s Trench.”

Finneas says that their process is “50-50” creatively, and he speaks proudly about the gated tremolo and distortion that elevate songs like “Oxytocin” and “NDA,” two tracks that look at romance and hookups through the lens of a very famous person attempting to have both under the radar.

“Billie Bossa Nova” takes that theme one step further, building a fantasy around the life of a touring pop star. “We have to do a lot of goofy bullshit when we go on tour, where we enter through freight elevators in hotels and stuff, so that paparazzi doesn’t follow us to our room,” he explains.

“And so we acted as if there was also a secret love affair going on in there of Billie being like, ‘Nobody saw me in the lobby/Nobody saw me in your arms,’ as if there was a mystery person in her life during all of that.”

“I write songs with my brother, and we kind of have to plug our ears when we’re writing about desire for other people because we’re fucking siblings,” Eilish says later. Songs like “Oxytocin,” named for the hormone released in the bloodstream due to love or childbirth, has her wondering “What would people say . . . if they listen through the wall?” over a slinky beat. The folky “Male Fantasy” features her distracting herself with pornography, then meditating on the effect porn has on men.

“The thing is, we’re very open about both of our lives, so it’s not weird, really,” she continues. “It’s just fun. It’s songwriting and it’s storytelling. We just have to think about the art of it and not think too hard about [the lyrics].”

As 50-50 as they are, Finneas drives home the fact that everything is under Eilish’s name for a reason. “In many instances we’ve been asked about our relationship as a duo when it’s billed as a solo artist,” Finneas says. “It’s her life. It’s all her world. I’m helping her articulate that, but it’s really her experiences that she lived through, and on this album she let me into it a lot. But I don’t know what that’s like to go through.”

He quotes his friend, the singer-songwriter Bishop Briggs, who says writing is how she copes with everything. Finneas agrees. “Billie making this album was her working through a lot of this stuff.”

When Eilish releases a new song, she can’t listen to it again. It disappears into the universe, only to be heard by its maker if she happens to catch it as it’s played on radio every hour on the hour. “It’s not because I don’t like it anymore,” she explains. Happier Than Ever has become Eilish’s favorite album in the world, but she’s already mourning the loss of it, months before it even comes out. As we talk, it’s a couple of weeks before the first single is even public knowledge.

“I don’t know how to explain this, but all the songs on the album feel like a specific time, because they feel like when I wrote them and made them,” she explains. “It’s so funny that to the rest of the world it’s going to feel like a certain moment for them, and it’s going to be so different than mine. That’s such a weird, weird thing to wrap my head around. And I will fucking love it. I love it. That’s the reason you do this. It’s for that.”

When Eilish and I speak one last time, “Your Power” has been out for a few days. It spurred reflective conversations online, with many women sharing their own experiences with sexual or emotional abuse. The lyrics about an older partner taking advantage of a younger woman struck a particular chord, and Eilish herself is still processing that reaction.

billie eilish rolling stone cover

“I feel like people actually really, really listened to the lyrics,” she says, flopping around her room in an oversize Powerpuff Girls shirt. “I was scared for it to come out because it’s my favorite song I’ve ever written. I felt the world didn’t deserve it.”

She broke her own Instagram “like” record that weekend as well: Her shoot for British Vogue showed her in more revealing clothes than she had ever been pictured in, channeling Forties boudoir shoots. The images were a topic of internet obsession for days: Was it a betrayal of her more “modest”-seeming fashion before? Did she make the decision herself? But it’s not like her body hadn’t been up for debate even when it was clothed: Her baggy outerwear was used to shame her peers, and she was subjected to belittling, fatphobic assumptions from the too-curious. “I saw a picture of me on the cover of Vogue [from] a couple of years ago with big, huge oversize clothes [next to] the picture of [the latest Vogue]. Then the caption was like, ‘That’s called growth.’ I understand where they’re coming from, but at the same time, I’m like, ‘No, that’s not OK. I’m not this now, and I didn’t need to grow from that.’ ”

Like her fashion experiments, Happier Than Ever is not about resetting who Billie Eilish even is. It’s about expanding the definition and range. But like she feared, she stopped listening to “Your Power” after it came out. “I don’t know. Something changes,” she says, still confused by her own habit.

The song has already taken on a life of its own, so she doesn’t have many expectations for how people will react to the rest of the as-yet-unheard songs. She’d like to make a visual for each track, and plans to embark on a world tour at some point.

She has one other wish for her new music. “I hope people break up with their boyfriends because of it,” she says, with only the slightest tinge of humor. “And I hope they don’t get taken advantage of.”

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fantasyizlife · 6 years ago

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Need Help?

Summary: Tom and Jessa are nothing more than friends/co-workers. Even after a mutual agreement to leave a hot romance behind when they wrapped up the first Spider-man. Jessa and Tom are now on the set of Far From Home and they are anything but far from each other. This one-shot is a steamy game of promise that heats up into old flames exploding for each other.

Warnings: angst, cheating-ish and smut

Word count: 6340

Dear me,

(self journal entry due to extreme boredom and frustration. I need to work this out.)

Being in the limelight was never easy. Making real friends was close to impossible due to the back stabbing so many did just get ahead of you or literally destroy you. Love? Forget about it! As soon as you were spotted with a person, you were immediately labeled and judged, either loved or hated by each others so called fandoms, just for being seen together! Yeah yeah, the rich and famous ask for the spotlight, we are supposed to bow down for our fans right? After all, they are who make or break us! I mean I love my fans, most famous people do. But at what point do they draw a line for themselves? Why are we on Instagram apologizing for being unable to leave our hotel room due to the massive crowds that have become unsafe for us but mainely them? Sorry for my rant, I’m just in my own head trying to sort shit out as I’m dealing with a girly issue and no one to talk to about it because my bff is locked in my ex’s-yet still friends trailer on the streets of New York and due to the crowds lined around the block none of us are going anywhere.

That includes my new almost-boyfriend? He was going to fly in tonight and spend some of my tomorrow off with me. But with crazy fans for blocks, he would be spotted and yet another clue for our fandoms would be dropped and they already had us together, despite our constant denial and countless “just friends” comments. So he opted to stay in Vegas until his next performance that was only in three days. I mean we've been dating for a few months but he refuses to go deeper or past second base, we made it to third base once, but it was a weak moment on his part, (so he said after he stopped us midaction). He says he’s waiting for me to be ready. I didn’t understand until he told me bluntly one night after an award show that we attended an after party with friends including Tom that I had feelings for Tom. Like seriously? Tom? I didn’t even introduce him as an ex when they first met because Tom was a friend, it's all we are! The one and only friend that I had hooked up with a handful of times and hung out with while filming Spiderman, perhaps with a few private moments on the promo tour but we had let it drift apart mutually, as friends. Because while filming that movie, I had met a group of people and we all bonded, they were my age and we wanted to remain good friends, all kinds of relationships crumble in the Hollywood spotlight. Each of us made an effort, celebrating birthdays and holidays. Each of us hosting parties to make sure we could keep this bond alive. Being that I was an original Avenger I was at most of the panels and meet and greets, but nothing ever happened between Tom and me after HOCO. And nothing was happening now. Except the man I wanted/want to build a relationship with isn’t willing to share more of his heart or his body until he deems me safe to fall in love with, and I know he is ready! We women know, am I right?

I’m on my second mini bottle of Sangria and the drunk me is starting to come out. I’m sitting alone in my room watching the crowd still hanging around the trailer with no end in sight. If I hadn't reserved this quiet space for me to spend some quality time with my...FUCK! What do I even call him? He’s not my boyfriend, but were exclusive to one another. Without a doubt I’m head over heels for him. He’s the perfect guy for me. A small part of me wonders if he’s just waiting for me to get this movie out of the way because my contract with Marvel is up after Avengers 4 and this sequel...wait is “Exclusive” jelly of Tom and me spending time together? NO! Possible? Sure! See this is why I need Zendaya! She can brainstorm with me and help me relax. But she’s trapped and I’m typing at a empty screen...fuck it, I’m going in. It’s that or make myself crazy sitting here trying to figure this out.

Note to self: Your drunk, this isn’t a good ideal but your testing out your bad ideals tonight!

I lock the laptop and call Z as I gather some night clothes, I’ll be lucky to make it inside let alone back out before morning. She answers on the second try as my elevator descends thirty floors. With bottles clinking in my overnight bag, I step into the lobby. I’m instantly blinded by cameras and bombarded with requests of autographs and pictures. Question about Mr. Exclusive and myself. I all but burst into tears and opt for buzzed induced laughter as I press the doors closed and hit my floor number. I had even forgotten she was on the phone.

“Jessa, what's going on? Are you okay?” she yells into the phone getting my attention.

“I just wanted to see you, I need you Z! Hell I just wanted to share my sangria and catch up.” I exhaled my breath as I opened the door to my lonely dark room lit by screen saver of Mr. Exclusives and mines face. I roll my eyes at it and go over to the window to look down at their trailer. I can hear Tom, Harry and Haz laughing, music playing and grown boys making silly bets.

“Wait did you say share sangria?” she laughed into the phone as I whined like a baby at the fun they were having together. “Bitch we are on the way up, that is if you have enough!” she giggled. “And wait, Jess what happened to you and..” I cut her off before I was sucked into misery again.

“I have plenty babes, and I‘m lonely, let’s just say flights are canceled and I need my friends.” She promised me they would be right up and after 30 minutes of fighting the crowd they were all at my door.

The room was filled with laughs, music and familiar warmth as I slowly sipped my fourth bottle. They had my mini bar drained and restocked twice. They were stuck without food or drinks because of the mob so this was paradise to them and they were mine. I heard my phone ringing and seen it was him so I went into the bedroom just to block some of the noise. I knew the second I answered he was buzzing too.

“Hey baby” he smiled so big from his hotel bed. HUH..and no shirt..FML! I smiled goofily at the screen as he called me out for being more than buzzed. I dropped to the bed and looked at him.

“Sounds like you have company?” he smiled so cute it made my heart swell.

“I do, I was really bummed by you not coming so everyone came to see me! Were playing truth or dare next, I swear were such kids at times, the cool kind for sure!” I smiled as he bit his lip. “Don’t do that baby, please don’t do that, especially not now.” I whimpered wishing he was here to kiss. He moaned into his pillow and peeked back up to me. His mood had changed slightly.

“I wouldn’t want to get you hot, not while you have company especially while he’s there.” I questioned him with my eyes and they went wide as I looked at who was in my room...Tom.

“Jess can you please call me when you go to bed, promise me no matter what time it is?” he asked looking kinda pissed. Holy crap, is he serious? He is jelly of Tom! I assured him I would call as we said goodbye.

“I’m sorry, I was just coming in here to tell you it was your turn luv.” Tom stood still and raised his arms in defense. His sweet smile made my tummy flip flop.

“No biggie Tom, he’s um..worried when I’m around you, it’s stupid.” I lied smelling his fucking cologne. I closed my eyes blowing out a breath trying to center my focus.

Tom leaned in so close his warm breath gave me goosebumps and my nipples betrayed me turning hard and aching for his expert touch. “Can’t imagine why Jessa.” he winked at me and left me to go join the others. I had to take a moment.

I went back to my friends all sitting around the table and at the same time they yelled Jessa’s turn! Just like old times my mood was back on point

“I’m starting easy because I don’t know what tea was spilled while I was away so dare!” I smiled looking to see who’s turn it was. Tom leaned in.

“Smart girl” he said in a tone that made my nipples come alive again. I hid them by crossing my arms and shifting in my seat.

“I know better, truth can be more dangerous with this group, especially while drunk!”

“Dare it is!” Tom declared standing up grabbing my empty bottle “I spin this and you kiss whoever it lands on.” he winked setting it on the table. My eyes widen with fear.

“I..I..I can’t do that Tom, I’m in a..huh..” I couldn’t say the words, it just felt wrong.

“Relax darling, it will be a quick kiss on the cheek. Nothing more, no worries.” he smiled biting his lip hard. I swallowed nervously as it spun round and round. I was way too nervous as it slowed down so I closed my eyes. Everyone but Tom cheered as it landed on Zendaya. I smirked as she laughed.

“Two can play this game Tom.” I whispered as I got on the table and crawled across it. She shook her head at me and held out her beautiful long arms. She even helped me off the table and onto her lap as she licked her lips brushing my hair away and blocking their view. The music was loud and it wrecked any chance of them hearing us, jokes on them.

“He won’t stop asking about you Jessa, he driving us all crazy.” she whispered tilting my neck for appearance reasons. “He wants to know if your with him and why he didn’t come?” she laughed.

“I want to know who told him I was with Tom in the first place, it wasn’t serious for us. Now it’s cock blocking me.” I frowned.

“Apparently serious enough for him to find out, to someone anyways.” she sighed telling me something I hadn’t thought about. Tom must have told him, who else? But why? I looked at him and she quickly pulled my face to hers kissing me on the lips to shut me up. The guys all laughed per usual as we shared a weird knowing look. She glanced behind me and in the windows reflection I could see Haz staring at us. My eyes bugged out as I mouthed NO WAY!

“Some fires never die doll, we've been creeping all week, and I call dibs on the spare bedroom.” My mouth dropped open as she tapped my ass lightly and told me to move.

I got up looking blown away, but happy for her and him. And now it was my turn and Tom was my target. I sat across from him and asked him truth or dare. I raised my eyebrow for him to challenge me.

“Truth, darling, always truth for you pretty girl.” he cooed making my face heat up at my very personal nickname he only called me when we were intimate.

“Did you tell a certain someone about us Tommy?” I cooed his nickname back making him slightly uncomfortable. His brown eyes closed as he pulled back his long loose brown curls. Then he bit his lip to hide his victory smile before I could rephrase it to my advantage.

“Yes darling, I did tell a certain someone about us, in fact I don’t think I ever stopped, right Haz?”

I got up from the table knowing he won fair and square. I was too drunk to focus on all this.

We popped in a scary movie and all settled in the small living room between bedrooms to watch it. Not even halfway in Harry was falling asleep. Tom told him to go to the second bedroom so we could have more room. Zendaya hit my leg that was draped over hers calling me into action.

“No Harry, take my room, it’s yours and Tom's tonight, your my guest!” I smiled at her.

He shrugged sleepily and headed to bed, not noticing the hell no mood Tom was now sporting. It took Zendaya and Haz ten minutes to depart into the second bedroom. I stretched out on the couch with plenty of room for only two people. My body froze as I felt Tom move underneath my blanket and shift himself behind me. I closed my eyes as he wrapped his arms around me in a cuddly way. I prayed for the strength to tell him to move back to his side. That strength never came. In fact I pressed my soft body more into his hard one as he kissed my hair and nuzzled my neck. I'm only human, I needed some TLC and this was platonic right? So it was okay, right? I blocked the truth that screamed at me as he squeezed me tighter. Before I knew it the movie was rolling credits and neither one of us were moving for fear of breaking the unspoken agreement. We just needed basic human contact. We weren't wrong for that. Right? I started to close my eyes as his breathing grew heavy in a sleeping rhythm.

I was pulled back to reality as my phone started to ring loudly in the quiet living room. I reached for it underneath the covers finding something harder between Tom's powerful thighs instead. He moaned in response as he handed me my glowing screen filled with a beautiful face. My heart was in my throat as I realized I was supposed to call him before bed and he was probably pacing his hotel room by now. I sat up, my eyes pleading Tom's sleepy eyes to give me privacy and he did without protest as he slipped inside my room and closed the door. I answered his second call on the first ring.

“Hi babe, I'm sorry I didn't call you, we watched a movie and I fell asleep on the couch.” I pouted as his worried brows pinched together even more.

“I can see that Jessa.” he smiled to my relief. “Did they leave you alone all by your beautiful sexy self?” he asked biting his lip giving me that look that said he was in a playful phone sex kind of mood. Fuck, he was honestly so hot, just as much as he was sweet. I wished he was here even more. It was clear he was intoxicated and wanting me in ways he practiced restraint from. This was a time he was willing to slip.

“Actually, I'm not alone sexy, they are asleep in the bedrooms, I'm just being kind.”

He pouted at the thought but quickly brushed it aside. “What's on your mind?” I whispered as he chewed his lip.

“You Jess, and your beautiful lips, I haven't seen you in almost a month, I miss all of you sweetheart, I promise, but tonight...I miss your body so much. Fuck I regret not making love to you. I actually regret it a lot.” he said soft rolling onto his back. “Babe, can we play? I really fucking need you.” he moaned showing me he was naked under his sheets and rock hard.

Between my alcohol fueled blood and my heated craving for him, I was more than willing to play.

“Take your clothes off, please Jessa” he begged as he stroked himself a few times.

Fuck, he was hot...and so was I. He wasn't holding back tonight. I lived to hear him moan my name, he made it sound so beautiful. I pulled my bottoms off and held my panties up for him.

“Humm, let me watch you take the rest off.” I bit my lip and set the phone against the covers as I did as he asked. “Your so beautiful Jessa.” he moaned heavily as I caressed my breast for him. “Touch yourself, and say my name, please baby” he said as his face flushed.

He wasn't very verbal but he always tried for me, I usually had to lead him into it. Tonight we just flowed off one another. I did everything he asked me too and tried to keep it quiet, my headphones were in my bag along with my mini friend so getting release wasn't as easy for me. But I didn't let him know that. I could take care of myself later. As he got closer I whimpered wondering how his big cock would feel inside me. He was very skilled with his hands and mouth, I couldn't wait to see how good he could really make me feel.

“I want you baby, please tell me I can have all of you when I see you next time, my body is crazy wondering what you feel like...please..please, say yes to me.” I begged as he found release. I could tell from his smile as he came down that he was considering it.

“As soon as your away from Tom, how about we give our bodies what they want?” he smiled both sexy and shy. I smiled back as I agreed and we said good night.

I stared at the ceiling trying to unwind my body from not getting its release. A cold shower would have to do. I sat up to grab my shirt from the floor and my bedroom door opened. I knew who it was without looking. I covered my naked body as I met Toms hooded dark gaze. He smiled causing me to shake my head and bite my lip, he had heard it all. He leaned against the wall and I looked anywhere but at him.

“Need help pretty baby?” he asked raising his unruly brow and licking his lips. “Has he really not made love to you yet?” I sighed feeling my body tingle as I exhaled ready to spill the tea.“Have you and him not..like ever?” he asked almost excited by the discovery. My face flushed hot at his sexy tone. ��Is it my fault? If it is you should let me make it up to you.”

“Make it up how Tom?” I mumbled as my core heated at the thought.

“I'll make you cum, you won't have to fake it with me either, promise sexy baby”

“Tom I can't, I'm not a cheater, you should know that about me. Even if you were the last.., I..I..just won't.” I sighed laying down and covering my embarrassment.

“Wait, what..?” he said coming closer to me.

“You have to let me help now, I won't touch, I promise.” he pulled the covers off my face and winked at me.

“But how..” I whined covering my eyes with my arm. He pulled the covers down exposing my rock hard nipples. I covered my breasts with my hands and locked eyes with him.

“Just like that pretty baby, do it just like I would.” he said moving the hair away from my face and placing his hand over mine.

“Go slow, feel every inch of your soft skin as you slide lower. Feel your heart race as I bite at your skin.” he watched my hand as I pinched my nipple hard, making a trail with my other hand like he used to before he touched me everywhere and anywhere but where I ached for him to touch.

“Yes pretty baby, listen to your breathing, you can't wait to cum can you?” he said in my ear, his breath on my neck.

“Tommy, I can't..I can't.” I moaned

“Yes you can, it's just you baby.” he encouraged

“That's the problem, I haven't been with anyone since..” I hid my face in the couch “I need my magic wand.” I laughed feeling embarrassed at the name he gave it so long ago.

“Is it here..where? I'll grab it!” he stood up revealing his hard on. I pointed at my room and he went in without further instructions because he's the one who bought it for me with a pillow that had a hidden compartment that was made for hiding toys. He was gone all of 60 seconds. No time to process what we were getting into.

He pulled off his shirt and I grabbed it from him covering my face and to inhale his scent. Wow, I was intoxicated by him and sangria, not sure who had my mind more blown.

“Can we try..with the magic wand first?” he said taking my hand into his and placing it onto my stomach. I shook my head yes with my face hot under his shirt. He pulled it away and I held it with my teeth causing him to laugh.

“Touch yourself Jessa, let me watch.” he begged, coming so close to my face his hair tickled my skin making my nipples painfully harder. I closed my eyes as he pushed the covers all the way off of me, exposing my naked hot skin to the chill in the air. His warm breath made me arch my back as he blew over my breast. His lips touched them as a consequence of my sudden reaction.

“Fuck, sexy baby, don't make me break my promise.” he said pushing my fingers inside me with his hand on mine. His fingers were soaked instantly and he sucked them clean.

I let out a cry as his palm brushed my sensitive nub and I worked my fingers slowly. He whispered encouraging hot words as the sounds of my moans and wet sex filled the quiet room. He watched me as I hid my face from his. I knew I shouldn't moan his name but I wanted to, it was messing with my task at hand.

“Stop holding back, if I wasn't here what would you be doing Jess?” he said tilting my face to his. This was sensory overload but I couldn't say it, it wouldn't come out. He moved away from my face and I felt the couch dip as he kneeled between my legs.

“Oh shit Tom!” I cried out as he blew his breath on my silky sex. My eyes rolled into my head as his hair brushed my legs.

“Cum Jess, give your kitty what it needs” he moaned hovering above my body. His arms held him just above my stomach, not breaking his promise. “Look at me when you cum beautiful.” he said biting his lip hard.

I stared into his beautiful dark eyes as mine glazed over and his name fell from my lips.

“Fuck, your so beautiful Jessa, he has no idea what he's missing.” he moaned moving lower again. His hair tickled my legs as he leaned down too close to my entrance.

I closed my legs on instinct with his face in between. He smiled as I covered my exposed sex and took my hand away, placing it into his mouth. I watched wide eyed as he now licked my silky sex from my hand. “I want you so bad baby, I wish I could show you just how much, but hopefully I can while keeping my promise.”

Without warning he slipped my magic wand through my folds and rubbed it over my swollen clit. I arched my back pressing it into his hard shirtless chest as he pushed it inside me slowly until he hit my wall. He let out a moan as my breast kept colliding into his chest.

“Tom..ohhh fuck!” I gasped as he aimed it up and applied pressure to where he knew my g-spot was. Then he hit vibrate as he held it in place. My hips bucked upwards causing his hand to slide across my wet sex. He let out a rough growl and put his legs over my feet to hold me down. He smirked at me as I begged him to fuck me, he knew my body like it still belonged to him. And yeah, perhaps it did.

“Cum for your Tommy, pinch your clit for me baby, I want to watch you explode in my hands.” he moaned as he pulled my hand to meet his.

I did everything he asked and as I felt the wave crash I screamed his name hard as I came. My body went wild as the sounds of my soaked kitty echoed in the room.

Tom didn't give me time to recover as he worked the wand with a quick pace. I tried to push him away but he wasn't having it. I held onto his hand and dug my nails into his flesh as I cried with pleasure into his shirt, trying to block the sounds. He leaned over me and pulled it away from my face as I repeated his name and begged him to fuck me. He put his left hand on the side of my face and held himself up as he worked the toy faster. He looked at every inch of my face and my breast. His attention was everywhere, he was growing frantic as my second orgasm was draining my voice from my lungs. I kissed his strong arm and licked the veins that popped out before I bit down as I exploded again. He blew his breath over my hot sweat soaked body as he held the wand inside me letting me come down. My legs trembled uncontrollably and traveled to my lungs as I tried to steady my breaths.

“Wow.wow.wow. baby, that was amazing, you really haven't been touched since me have you?” he looked at me differently and it made me want to hide.

“I haven't been with anyone since you, I haven't even bothered until..well..him.” I swallowed feeling embarrassed and confused “He refused to be with me until he knew I could give all of me to him, he was..is..intimidated by you Tom.”

He wrapped my wand in his shirt and slipped it under the blankets. I sat up on my elbows looking at his body and seeing how hard he has been working on it. He looked bigger and more defined. My mouth dropped open as he undid his pants and his hard cock peeked out of his boxer briefs.

“I'm sorry, I'm in pain baby..I'll be right back.” he got up quickly and headed towards the bathroom. I didn't think I just acted. I slipped on my panties and went into the bathroom as he started to undress and turned on the shower. I locked the door as he turned around shaking his head no at me.

“I made a promise, I keep my promises Jess.” he said stern pointing at the door.

“Tommy, please just let me help, I’ll keep your promise too.” I pleaded biting my lip hard. His precum was glistening on the tip of his cock. I leaned against the counter and begged him with my eyes. “Please, I even put my panties back on so we still won't be touching, just trust me.” I begged wanting more by the second.

Tom closed his eyes and fisted his messy hair. When he opened his eyes, they were filled with hunger. He rested his forehead against mine and gripped the counter as the head of his cock rested against his belly. I hooked my fingers into his boxers and pulled him hard against my body. I rocked my hips back and forth as I played with my breasts for him. His tight boxers were soaked in seconds and clung to the thin lace of my panties.

He looked into my eyes, deciding for himself. I moaned his name as he lifted one leg around his hip and held it there. He was struggling to stay in control. He pulled up my other leg.

“Fuck I need to be inside you Jessa.” he whimpered.

He rolled more precum around his tip and squeezed tight. I reached down in a lusty haze and he wrapped my arms around his strong neck before removing me off the sink and into the shower. The water was hot but he shielded me from the pain with his body and rested me against the cold tiled wall as he reached to adjust the temp. The water soaked his hair and ran down his face, his long lashes, perfect jawline, thick neck, broad shoulders, pecs that were a hella in shape. He looked up at me and pulled my lip out of my teeth with a smile that melted my heart.

“Your going to make your lip swollen luv, that’s for someone else to do.” he said staring at my mouth. I stuck my tongue out and he ran his thumb over it for a impulsive second or two.

He set me down and I turned around to give him a view of my ass, he let out a moan as I pressed my ass against his bare cock. I worked my hips in circles as he rocked his back and forth in perfect rhythm. He gripped my panties hard and made them ride up into my ass crack. It was the only tiny piece of fabric between us but it was enough to keep his promise, if he pulled any more they would tear right off. I pulled away and he whimpered at the loss of contact.

“Time for you to cum for me Tommy.” I moaned as he gripped his thick cock. I held onto his biceps as he stroked himself slow and tight. “I want to taste you, can I?” I whispered as I reached for the body wash.

He picked me up as I opened it and moved me against the wall. My back arched at the coldness of the tiles and he licked the water from my neck, shit this was getting out of control and fast. I squeezed the soap in between our bodies and it did its own thing as he started to trust his body up and down. I could feel my own orgasm build as he moaned my name between clench teeth and I joined in moaning his name. Our eyes kept finding one anothers as both of us could feel my panties shifting and his cock making contact with my bare sex. He stopped thrusting and I pulled his hair as I adjusted his cock to slide in between my legs, against my skin but not my sex. He moaned my name in approval and picked up the pace. I gripped tighter to him as he sang my name beautifully in my ear, over and over.

“Cum for me one more time Jess, please sexy baby.” he said rubbing his nose against my wet neck. I nodded yes as he pulled my panties away that were pressed against my sex and sent me into a frenzy as he kept his fingers over his thick head. I pushed my foot off the side of the shower and it gave me enough forced weight to spread his fingers, letting the tip slide in. He pulled my hair hard as I exploded on him, his eyes went wide as he felt my hot silk sliding down his hand and cock. “You naughty girl.” he growled.

Tom watched me fall apart and it was his undoing as he squeezed himself tight and jerked his cock faster. I watched his face as he closed his eyes and formed that perfect fucking O as he started to cum all over me and him. The water raced against me as I put some of him in my mouth. His beautiful long lashes opened as he watched me suck my fingers until his taste was absolutely gone. He smiled at me almost shy and my heart did that melting thing again.

His jaw tightened as he struggled to keep a good grip on my wet body. I held on tighter so he could keep me in his arms a little longer. Shit, this was becoming something else. I could feel it. I wasn’t ready to be let go of. My heart started to hammer as he set me down. He kissed my forehead and held me close letting me know he wasn’t going anywhere just yet. We washed each other up and not in a sexual way. He even removed my panties and tossed them by his on the bathroom floor. He watched me clean my kitty and I felt myself wanting him yet again. I would do whatever he wanted to keep his beautiful eyes on me. I turned around to rinse off and was caught off guard when he pulled me into his arms.

“Will you sleep with me tonight Jessa, please?” he asked kissing my neck sweetly. I shook my head yes and he turned off the water. “Okay give me a few moments, you stay here and lotion up. I’ll be right back my beautiful girl.” he got out scooping up the clothes and grabbing a towel. I heard some grunting and whispering from Tom and Harry in the living room. I brushed my teeth as I processed sleeping alone in a bedroom, behind closed doors! On the couch was one thing! I rinsed out my mouth as he came in with a robe. He frowned at my toothbrush and took it from me. I reached for it too late as he stuck it in his mouth. Eww, I hated that when he did that!

“What, you did it first.” he winked getting it wet and adding toothpaste. I rolled my eyes like old times and headed to the bedroom in search of my phone. I did it without further thought and on my own accord. I sent my now ex exclusive a message that we needed a heart to heart. Tomorrow I would confess I still had feelings for Tom like he’s always already known and I would set him free. I turned my phone on silent and got under the covers to wait for my Tom. He came in quietly and made himself at home as he laid on top of my naked skin. I went into auto pilot and ran my fingers through his damp long curls.

“Thank you and that was amazing by the way.” I whispered as he peeked up at me.

“Jess, don’t thank me. Your the one who is amazing.” he whispered kissing my tummy.

“I’m thanking you because you actually kept your promise.”

“I do that quite a lot, yet people are always surprised.” he smiled than quickly frowned. “Perhaps if I would have been honest with you and not your exclusive, we could of saved each other all this confusion.”

I gasped at his confirmation that he did indeed tell him about us.

“Tom, what did you tell him and why?” He rolled onto his back and pulled me on top of him now. He looked guilty and sorry. “Is it that bad Tom?” he ran his thumb over my lips as he confessed.

“It was the first time we met, when you brought him to Zendaya's birthday party. After I got liquid courage I pulled him aside and asked him if he cared about you. He answered yes in a defensive way and it pissed me off. So I told him if he didn’t care he could leave because I was ready to prove that I already cared for you. Then I was an asshole and told him he better learn how priceless you are, because during the time I had you I wasted it on being to afraid to tell you and I lost you. He let me walk away without saying a word. I think he was ready to punch me. He didn’t leave your side the rest of the party because if he did I was going to just tell you the truth.”

“What’s truth Tom? Tell me now, perhaps it can save more confusion.”

“You were my closest friend. Number one outside of Haz, Jessa. I always wanted you around. Every tour, every comic con, the interviews..then we became whatever we were. I thought we were piecing the puzzle, then we drifted apart.”

“We agreed friendship wouldn’t add pressure to our skyrocketing careers Tom.” I felt my emotions kick up as he wiped my tear. “I didn’t want to lose you all the way.”

“I only agreed because I thought it was my only option to not lose you either way.”

“Tom tell me the truth you told him..” I said closing my eyes bracing myself.

“I love you Jessa, the truth is I’ve loved you as my friend and just fell deeper in love. I’ve never stopped loving you baby.”

“I love you too Tom and I’m not afraid to keep loving you.”

We drifted off to sleep in eachothers arms, clung to one another like we would never let go.

Thank you for reading this! If you like what your reading, let me know with a like and reblog. I’m sorry for being gone so long but I’m back and have plenty to share. Happy reading until next time! Hugz!!

Tagging for singnal boost I’m sorry just a little nervous after a 4 mo hiatus. Let me know if you want removed and I will :) @hazhasmycoffeex3 @uglypastels @cryssilynn18 @frootloop311 @tentarium @celestesteffens @cartwheelandfaceplant @the-claire-bitch-project

#fantasyizlife #tom holland #tomhollandsmut #oneshot #tom holland fanfiction #sexy tom holland #spiderman far from home #spiderman #marvelsmut #fanfiction #tom holland smut #needhelp #masterlist #mobile masterlist

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not-poignant · 6 years ago

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I'm so sad about this purge, I feel bad even logging onto my dash. I vaguely remember the days of strikethrough, but this feels much more bleak.

Hi anon, it definitely sucks, and I can definitely see why it would be making you so sad / feel so bad.

Tbh, Strikethrough hit me a lot harder at the time. But I stood to lose (and did lose) a lot more personal friendships, and via the Purge, I don’t stand to lose any, because we’re already in touch/established in other places (Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, even Dreamwidth - where many of us went after Strikethrough in the first place).

Okay this got long:

But back during Strikethrough, there was a big population of people who refused to leave or refused to even start anywhere else. They refused to cross post their entries to Dreamwidth and refused to have anything other than the one website for all of their operations. For those of us who could no longer support LJ in any capacity morally, it meant we couldn’t find them on Twitter, or Facebook, or Tumblr, or anywhere else really.

And, also, Strikethrough was very bitter for many of us. Within fandoms, there was a lot of turning against each other. RP communities were left behind for a long time (it took DW a while to figure out how to port communities, not just individual journals, which meant that DW RPers were lost initially), some people said that those who were upset about Strikethrough were over-reacting and had no reason to get emotional, and a lot of bridges were burned. There was a lot of finger pointing, and on one side: ‘If you don’t at least make an account on DW or somewhere else, I literally can’t interact with you anymore and you don’t care about the friendship’ and on the other side: ‘You are all being sensitive snowflakes, and if you can’t handle coming to LJ to read about me then you don’t care about me.’

Many of those people came over to Dreamwidth, after subsequent bad decisions that Livejournal made as a platform, but by then it was too late and some communities had disintegrated, and certainly friendships were lost not because of just…community fragmentation as is happening now, but because of arguments and bitter anger. Livejournal’s betrayal was so deep and profound, that many people’s powerlessness at LJ turned into rage at the people around them for not doing more (or rage for suddenly feeling attacked when they were unaffected by Strikethrough).

The Tumblr Purge is happening on a grand scale and I hate it, and it’s depressing, but it also - for me - hasn’t been surprising (after all, there was literally nothing to stop Tumblr from doing this all along, and there have been hints that it was going to do something like this even back when I joined a long time ago, when it occasionally went through and annihilated porn blogs in waves - whereas Livejournal behaved more like Pillowfort: It pretended to be a safer space before flipping on its TOS and doing so increasingly). (Imho, this is also why I expect almost all my fics to be pulled from FF.net one day, and if folks with explicit fics aren’t expecting this, then like…*sigh*). But this is a familiar pain to me, and so far, does not twist me up like Strikethrough did.

The worst part for me is: No good alternatives to Tumblr right now, which is causing profound community displacement and disintegration on a previously unseen scale. Though many people can stay on Tumblr in the meantime, the options right now aren’t - for many reasons - very workable. And many of us are already spread thin across multiple social media accounts, and can’t necessarily open another 3-4 (or more) just to maybe keep in touch with the ten+ mutuals who go to each place.

There are ethical problems with some - I hate Pillowfort right now in a way that I don’t hate Tumblr, because imho, Pillowfort’s flip on their TOS at a time when they’re making more money than ever before is far more egregious than Tumblr doing…something that, let’s face it, is very in line with Tumblr’s ‘we don’t give a shit about our userbase’ ineptitude.

And, of course, knowing how much direct damage this is doing to artists and people I care about, which is why I’m frequently posting information on the Tumblr Purge (how to unlock pixellation of your journal / how to actually now appeal your posts etc.) Many of those artists though, I was already following elsewhere: Patreon, Instagram, Twitter etc. And some I’ve recently added.

I am staying here in the foreseeable future, perhaps because Tumblr’s actions feel less like a betrayal to me and more like a ‘we decided to get less lazy and do the bullshit we could’ve always done, that you knew we could’ve always done.’ It doesn’t make it right, fair, okay or any less deeply unethical and worrisome, but I can continue to use this site as a base as I wait and see where most people will go.

I think the important thing to remember is that fandom always prevails. It always prevails. Yes, this is painful, bleak and horrible. Yes, there are times when I read something about Tumblr at the moment and immediately have to leave the internet and go and think about something else. But I do have a quiet, rock-steady faith that something else will come along, that we still have AO3 and Dreamwidth, that we have other ‘bases’ in the meantime (the list here is endless), and that things will find their way again. So while I grieve what has been lost now, I also just wait, quietly, because two decades in fandom has taught me that fandom prevails, and that often all you need do is wait to see how.

#asks and answers #personal #///#////#/////#tumblr purge #tumblr safe mode #tbh...nothing about strikethrough was vague for me #that was like an acute horrifically painful time #and i *still* remember the friends i lost #and also i had a permanent account #was paying LJ regularly for extras #bought gifts for people #like i think that's one thing tumblr doesn't have that LJ did #that made it an extra knife in the back #the amount of money we threw at this site #because we loved it so much for supporting us #we gifted people with paid accounts #i could barely afford to live and i still gave LJ my money #for me the betrayal was *profound* on many levels #tumblr is more like #'of course you're doing this'#'you fucking piece of shit website'#'why am i not surprised'#'your timing could've been better'#i'm just TIRED about tumblr #and sometimes depressed #and mostly just waiting #because most of fandom was *already* used to being fragmented thanks to Strikethrough #and many of us are on Discord Twitter Insta FB PF DW and the list goes on

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rksomiin-blog · 6 years ago

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*.☽ .* 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧' 𝐬𝐨 𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐜

( disclaimer !! i’m still working around learning what’s canon & what’s not, so i didn’t put the artist's names to be on the safe side !! if they’re canon, they’re canon !! if they’re not, you can assume they were made by some other npc group !! and if they’re planned to be used in the future just….replace it with another song you can conjure up in your imagination!! <3 )

- - -

“can they see me? am i on? is the camera on?”

curious eyes, dyed a silver that makes her seem less than human, peer at the camera in curiosity as she checks for any errors. the twenty-two year old is dressed in more seductive dance attire than usual, a choker surrounding her neck, as the silk of her cocktail dress hug her waist. despite her safety short’s and awareness of her outfit choice, somin just knew someone would comment on her outfit of choice. it didn’t seem like onlookers were being too understanding of her, either. being in the middle of a grimy train station, she was certainly getting some odd looks, but by the confidence she was exuding it was hard to tell if she knew eyes were on her.

“alright. hello, everybody!” the woman greets, as she waves to the camera. she watches as people rush into what would be her instagram’s first live blog, posted on her story for a small following to see. with luck, this would be what would set her a little above the popularity she’d had as of yet. truthfully, she couldn’t be bothered to produce a full, edited video for youtube, so decided it’d be best to just do a broadcast of her own.

it’s unknown what the dancer is doing in such an odd setting for a video, the sound of passing faces and halting trains diminishing her voice to just barely above a whisper, although she was projecting to the best of her ability. “you know, i’ve seen a trend going around lately - this or that, type of thing?” as she tends to do, her hands idly toy around with the ring she always wore on her left index finger. “anyways, i figured it wouldn’t hurt to try that today. so...today we’ll be playing a little game called my followers choose my dance routine! it’s similar to the trends i’ve sure you seen, but with a bit of a twist - i must dance, and it has to be in public. it’s up to you how i perform!”

somin was willing to sacrifice her pride for the sake of the challenge, it wasn’t like much of her confidence would be compromised, after all. she was sure of herself, and knew that end of the day she could perform well, so as long as she was getting some notoriety she didn’t mind embarrassing herself a little.

“let’s start with something a little easy, yeah?” she asks, to get the ball rolling. “okay, min-mins,” she calls, the nickname she’d given her followers months prior as if she had a true fanbase. sure, she’d gathered a small following over the dance videos she’d appeared in enough to become known, but nothing quite as significant to already have a fandom name. but - this was jeon somin. “here’s your choices - likey, or…. russian roulette! it’s up to you guys, what should i do?” instead of the typical voting system she’d seen, she stays on the live, using her visual cues to decide which was winning. both songs were outside her typical comfort zone, as of late she’d preferred dancing to american songs, particularly those that allowed her to perform hip hop styles she’d begun to fallen in love with. although the latter was her favorite, her phone floods with requests to perform likey.

standing up from the crouching position she’s been in, somin pulls out her phone she used at the dance studio to play songs and such without having to leave her main one around. as the viewers look on, she backs up, though there’s not much space in the bustling train station. after pressing play, the familiar intro comes on and it’s like somin transforms. cuteness was always a charm she’d had when she was young, but had somehow lost as she’d matured and favored a sexier image. however, she’d realized over the past few months she needed to be more versatile if she truly wanted to be signed anywhere, so had been getting back into softer dances. with a grin on her face, her movements light and bouncy, she signals a heart to the screen.

“렌다 me likey!” she sings rather bubbly, though she’s sure not to take herself too seriously. her singing’s definitely not up-to-par with her other skills yet, and the last thing she wants is for her chance to be recognized discarded because of a sour note. following the familiar motions, people cross her, some smiling and joining in momentarily while most others, such as the older generations, look on with both utter confusion. “but that’s not all!” she says to the camera as she continues dancing. while it’s partially for fun, she hopes her technique does show through, the product of years upon years of dancing under numerous studios. “let’s make this a little more fun! it’s up to you all to decide - should i try continuing with my eyes closed, or scream the lyrics, in front of all these people?” she asks, gesturing to the crowd behind her. a sort of observation rink forms, a few feet from her as they look on curiously. with dancing, though, somin was in her own world. no one, even those staring her down right beside her, could sway her from what she was doing.

after tallying the votes, she clasps her hands together, getting a rather unanimous answer. “screaming it is!” she announces, and though she’s not one to get flustered she feels her palms sweating in slight anticipation. “alright, let’s do this.” clearing her throat, she cups her hands over her mouth, as to call attention to herself by amplifying the noise. “did you hear me, hongdae university station? i said, 렌다 me likey!” like that, she begins yelling the lyrics to the best of her ability, trying as hard as she can to keep her voice stable as she runs through the dance motions.

“BB크림 파-파-파,

립스틱을 맘-맘-마,

카메라에 담아볼까, 예쁘게!

이거 보면 웃어줘,

그리고 꼭 눌러줘,

저 밑에 앙증맞고 새빨간... heart heart!”

just as the girl approaches the bridge a second time, she huffs in exhaustion, her body deflating as she stops the song. all around her, people are looking on in utter confusion, and she’s even summoned a guard to look at her angrily. but what’s better than an audience, right? the comment section is on fire, laughing emojis and further request flowing throughout the chat.

trying her best to hide her exhaustion, which was extremely difficult considering the extremity of her task, somin presents the next two options. “alright, alright. next two - lullaby, or the 7th sense?” two entirely different options, ones that get the comments in a heated debate. while some wish to see her charisma and sharp choreography in the first, the others hope to get a glimpse of her attitude and stage presence with the second. the woman sees some comments questioning her options, asking why she hadn’t chose a male song. “why, am i not able to dance to a boy group’s song, too?” she asks, her tone rather polite and teasing, while her anger flares inside her - the true, emotionally-leading somin threatening to spill out. “let’s see about that.” finally, deciding to break up the debate on her own, she decides on the 7th sense and puts herself in a starting position.

this dance is taken a little more seriously, truly showing the extent of her abilities. able to control herself, she locks her body into the desired movements.

“감싸주지 나를, hate is on me-” she decides to sing along, glaring at the camera as she sends an indirect message to the user who had questioned her abilities. was she being too menacing? it seemed the look had gone over as alluring, rather than rude, and hearts and emojis showing shock cover her phone screen. rolling with it, she decides to give the dance a sexier vibe, allowing it to appear more feminine than the original had. her movements are as sharp, but hidden between them are enchanting looks and slow, almost taunting movements. as she decides to pop as the beat of the song drops, she catches a rather angry older woman walk past her with a look dripping in disgust, cursing the teenagers of this generation. “somin-unnie, you look so cool?” she reads, letting out a laugh as she approaches the bridge, looking over to her phone. “thanks, iloveconvextodeath24!” she replies, finding it hard not to chuckle at the cheesy username. my group’s name will be on someone’s username too, someday, she promises herself, though the dream seems anywhere but close.

“now, like last time, it’s time to switch it up. would you rather me add aegyo, or try the rap?” either provided her with an incentive that’d be valuable to her - showing off her duality, or putting one of her developing skills on display. finally, after a brief moment of indecisiveness, the growing viewers decide on the rap - and just in time. just as she hears the familiar part approaching, she readies herself, putting the dance on pause as she steadies her body.

“uh, 여전히 어딘가로,

이름 모를 지역에, 난 이름 모를 hall 로,

몇 밤을 자도 편치 않은 어딘가 에서도,

결국 대부분 내,

시간을 보내는 explorer…”

by now she’s just getting curious looks, the crowd seeming to adjust to her odd behavior. to be fair, it wasn’t all-too-rare of a sight in hongdae, seeing that much of her time on the street meant passing my busking teens and hopeful trainees showcasing their talents. somin was no outlier.

“uh, and that’s a long ass ride!” she finishes, bursting into a fit of laughs as she collapses onto the ground, covering her legs to prevent her dress from riding too high up. the satisfaction of successfully finishing the rap without stumbling too bad was genuine, and she let out a cheer of victory at the accomplishment. the live had been going fairly well, and though she had a few slip-ups both her and the viewers seemed to enjoy themselves.

it was getting fairly late, however, and somin knows she’d better wrap it up soon if she wanted any chance at ending things before it got too dark out. “okay! mission two, complete. this one’s the last one, min-mins, so don’t disappoint me!” a thumbs up of encouragement is given before she finally speaks again, urging the remaining onlookers to share their opinion. “ko ko bop, or….” before she can say the last choice, a man’s enthusiastic voice can be heard in the back, and only when she looks behind her does she identify them as one of the people in the station who’d grown interested in the randomly timed performance.

“latata!” he calls out excitedly, no doubt a fan of the song by his tone. somin can only grin, and with a shrug she turns to the viewers. “well? you heard it here, what’ll it be, then? ko ko bop, or this lovely gentleman’s suggestion, latata?” turning, she puts on one of the smiles she’d rehearsed to use in situations like this, a romantic undertone as her hands twirl around to wave. whether it be for their genuine preference or keeping the man in mind, latata wins by a landslide. for the final time, she rises to her feet, setting the song up.

“let’s kill it!” she hadn’t been truly prepared to perform the song, but somin was glad she did. months ago, she’d picked the choreography up from a dance workshop. her lack of practice afterward was evident, and there are some parts in which she blanks on the upcoming move or had to rush to her next position, but tries her best nevertheless to save herself by way of charisma and improvisation. the song itself was perfect for her aura, the playfulness and sexiness she had inherited working together to produce an entertaining performance. just for kicks, she turns to the man who was looking on with excitement, mouthing the words “everyday, every night, latata,” before popping back into the powerful chorus. by her confidence, someone would swear she was someone of influence, though her skills didn’t yet match those of an idol.

“last challenge!” she calls, not stopping to check the comments this time around. “your call - should implement ballerina moves, or do everything at 2x speed?” for once, she’s surprised by the result, expecting the second to win due to its popularity on variety shows. however, ever since she’d mentioned her background in dance she’d by asked by some to post a video displaying what she could do, therefore over sixty percent of the comments favored the ballet. “so i guess you prefer somin the ballerina over me tripping over my own feet! okay, then, let’s do this.”

to be completely honest, somin was incredibly scared. she hadn’t practiced ballet in quite a while, let alone go on pointe. she decided to keep it rather simple, using a routine she’d learned when she was younger and somehow modifying it to resemble the rhythm of latata. échappé, pas de chat, and trying her hardest to finish the song by nailing a grand jeté. perhaps she’d been too ambitious, for the second she tries to land it she stumbles until crashing onto her feet. ouch. she’s using every name in the book, cursing herself for being so careless. was it the lack of training beforehand? or the dress? by now, it was basically a shirt, the shorts underneath protecting her from any potential exposure. nevertheless, she felt vulnerable enough as it is, as some concerned peers rushed over to ask if she was okay. breathe, somin. there’s no way you’re going to look phased by a stupid fall on camera. “i’m fine, i’m fine.” shooing them off, the dancer adjusts her appearance before flashing a smile of assurance to the flurry of worried comments. “i’m fine, i promise, everyone. but i think that’s my cue to stop.” while it is followed by a laugh, somin knows she’s reached her true limits, and perhaps had exceeded them in her attempts to impress everyone.

“so, i think that’ll be it for now! thanks for following my journey of dancing in public!” while she knows she’s not a true professional yet, and shouldn’t take it so seriously, there’s a visible tinge of disappointment as the girl deflates right before the viewer’s eyes.”anyways, this has been my followers choose my dance routine! i hope you’ve all had fun, and let me know if you’d like to see more of these youtube-style type of lives!”

and like that - with an air kiss, and a wave - she’s gone. the tapping of a button and the black screen marks the end of the live, as somin let’s out the biggest exhale she’s held in during her entire life.

#❝ solos. ❞#sorry i wanted to get this out yesterday!!#but my laptop wasn't posting anything rip #rkvlog #❝ points. ❞

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