#[ Scout: gt ]

[awfullordhenry]

BLU Scout devouring RED Medic

[loboazul16]

Went back to the ghost trick sprites <3

[taters169]

Can I just say how helpful pioneering skills would be to borrowers, every home should have a small book about knots just lying about on the bottom shelf of your bookcase just in case

Look at this shit man, not a single nail, screw or bit of glue and it's solid

[sleepyandbig]

Yea this is probably one of the strangest things I've commissioned to date. But God was it worth it (the male character here is Scout from TF2 LMFAO) <3333

[everythingne]

double dealing /ˌdəbəlˈdēliNG/

( noun. ) the practice of working to people's disadvantage behind their backs.

formula racing is luxurious and lucrative, everyone knows that.

but what most people don't know about is the secret races that are bet on with hand signals and whispers over radios in the dark. the double dealing. somehow, you have fallen right in.

(formula one x reader, street racers au. masterlist.)

masterlist !

general warnings for this series: kinda basing this off of the fast and furious series, there is mentions of drugs/weapons trafficking, sabotage, car accidents and more. each fic in the au will be individually tagged with its warnings.

notes from nicole: pls send in a dm or comment asking to be put on the taglist, and really don't hesitate to throw in an ask for a fic of certain driver in this series! i've been slowly building this up behind the scenes for a bit and would love to have y'all help build the world with me.

also i spent so long figuring out everyones cars. help.

-

max verstappen - 1 known as the lion, drives a 1999 Subaru WRX. sergio perez - 11 known as checkers, drives a 2013 Toyota 86. george russell - 63 known as shades, drives 2000 Porsche Boxster. lewis hamilton - 44 known as sir, drives a 1996 Subaru Impreza. charles leclerc - 16 known as predestined, drives a 2018 Porsche 911 GT3. carlos sainz - 55 known as operator, drives a 1998 Ferrari F355. oscar piastri - 81 known as goss(ip), drives a 2000 Toyota Supra MK IV. lando norris - 4 known as hotshot, drives a 2001 Honda S2000. lance stroll - 18 known as payday, drives a 2016 Porsche Cayman GT4. fernando alonso - 14 known as the godfather, currently not driving. oversees operations. esteban ocon - 31 known as bestie, drives a 1997 Chevrolet Corvette. pierre gasly - 10 known as jj, drives a 1968 Plymouth Road Runner. alexander albon - 23 known as smokey, drives a 1970 Pontiac LeMans. logan sargeant - 2 known as bandit, drives a 2002 Pontiac Firebird. daniel ricciardo - 3 known as badger, drives a Nissan Skyline GT-R R33. yuki tsunoda - 22 known as insid(ious), drives a 1998 Mazda RX-7 valtteri bottas - 77 known as mullet, not currently driving. handles crowd control. zhou guanyu - 24 known as assassin, drives a 2015 Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution. kevin magnussen - 20 known as papa bear, currently not driving. handles bet pools. nico hulkenberg - 27 known as the hulk, currently not driving. scouts locations for races.

[t4tails]

what does a 'separated program or course' mean? i'm assuming it's something usamerican

it is! theyre called gifted and talented programs. in my experience theyre most common in elementary (6-10yr olds), where you'll be taken out of your normal class like once a week to do advanced work, and when they carry on to middle and high school (11-18yr olds) theyre more like traditional honors classes, but harder to get into. unlike honors and AP courses, which any student can choose to take whenever no matter their grades, since GT is a separate program you have to scouted by teachers and then tested in, and if your grades drop below passing in any class you can be kicked out.

the scouting is one of the big problems with these programs. since it relies on teachers, who often have implicit biases, non-white students, especially Black ones, are much less likely to be even considered. and thats not even getting into how the language used often excludes students with disabilities and behavioral issues by default

[neonthewrite]

Bowman of the Garden

Another GT July prompt is done! This one is "Garden", and any readers of Bowman of Wellwood might recognize that title symmetry. We have a brand new AU featuring Bowman Leafwing, living in a very different environment than the beautiful Wellwood forest. I do want to explore more of this AU, as it's very different from Bowman's origins. For now, enjoy a small sample of it!

~~~

Bowman Leafwing eyed the back of the Big House, where the humans sat talking and drinking their tea on the patio. It was a morning ritual of theirs‒tea on the patio, discussing their plans for the day. As the self-appointed scout sprite of the garden village, Bowman kept an eye and ear on these discussions every morning. If they planned anything out of the ordinary, he’d know.

It was a Wednesday, though. Not much would be on the schedule, and they confirmed it with their chatter, overheard from one of the bulky stone planters where Bowman hid. A normal Wednesday, meaning they’d go inside after tea and then be gone at Jobs all day. In the afternoon, the Lawn People would come by and cut all the grass in the yard with their awful loud machines.

So long as they didn’t mess with the landscaping or the greenhouse (and they never did), the wood sprites of the garden didn’t mind.

Soon enough, the humans finished up their morning tea and shifted in their seats. Satisfied that no more news of the day was forthcoming, Bowman backed away from the edge of the planter, further among the protective leaves of the fern growing there. Keen eyes peered out from the leafy cover that matched the leafy wings on Bowman’s back, and as soon as the humans had gone back into their tall, ivy-covered house, he turned away.

Tall boots of supple bark and sturdy cloth gave him quiet steps among the mulch and soil until he reached the other side of the planter; a basin big enough for a human to curl up in, it housed a verdant fern to break up the monotony of the lawn. Bowman, four inches tall and brown-skinned with deep green hair, blended right in among that curated vegetation. His dedication to the morning routine, to keeping an eye on those giants-of-the-house, kept him safe, but it also kept the others safe. If the humans talked of plans that could affect the denizens of the garden, Bowman Leafwing was the first to know.

Today, there was little to report. From the planter, there was a moderate stretch of empty lawn before the lush growth of flowers and grasses and shrubs covering the back third of the yard, mostly unbothered by human intervention and thriving all the same. 

Among that chaos was home, where his little cousin and her mentor could use their gifts to tend to the plants, where his aunt and uncle could sing with the birds, arrange the litter of leaves and twigs like a miniature forest floor. No one spotted them there, for no one thought to look for a wood sprite, small and made to blend in among the greenery.

Bowman eyed a flowering shrub standing taller than the grasses and flower patches around it, as innocuous as any plant, and spotted a fellow sprite on one bough with ease. With one gesture, he confirmed they saw him, too. Raising his hands and wings, Bowman sent his report, or what might count as one, using silent signs that would look like leaves shifting in the breeze.

No news, good news. Lawn People later. Safe another day.

The other sprite acknowledged the report and ducked out of sight. Bowman smirked. That was his job done. If anyone wanted to find him after the morning scouting, they would have a task ahead of them.

One final glance at the Big House confirmed again that the humans had gone in and no one was watching. Bowman’s wings fanned open and his smile widened, and then with a leap and a powerful flap he was in the air, darting upwards like a leaf on a gale.

They had it pretty good, there in that garden. The verdant months gave them plenty of cover outside, plenty of resources, lots of sun on their wings. The winters in the greenhouse were cozy and close, without worry of the snow or the icy winds. They were safe from humans who never wanted to question why the growth in their backyard was so lush, year after year, and safe from worry over dangerous animals thanks to the nearly-overgrown wooden privacy fence.

Beyond that fence, though, was wilder land, not nearly enough to be a forest but full of life all the same. That less-tamed, wooded area, with its dappled sunlight and thick foliage and only the occasional reminder of the nearby humans, was Bowman’s goal. He darted over the garden, over the fence, and something wild welcomed him there.

Back the way he came, the Big House still stood peeking through the trees, but Bowman ignored it for the woods before him. In the other direction, someone else’s big human house would be waiting, but he wouldn’t get that far. He knew to stay closer to safety.

If he asked anyone else, he wasn’t really supposed to leave the garden without making it known. Bowman chose which rules to follow, and no amount of reminders had changed that over the years.

As he ducked and weaved around branches and through golden sunbeams, wind whipping through his wild hair, things felt right. Bowman belonged in the air. His wings, honed every day in his races among the trees and over the Big House, practically sang with elation. Every sunbeam they drank up spurred him to fly a little bit longer. His were the fastest wings around, and no member of the garden village could wrest the title away from him.

[kalixora]

(0)

"You're worthless, Y/N, nothing but a nuisance that Lord Megatron keeps around at his disposal," Starscream says to me with a nasty scowl and slight eregon emanating from his repulsive mouthplate .

"And yet our lord favors me over you," I sneered, shoving Starscream's faceplate away from mine.

"You're weak," growled Starscream while pushing back.

"And you're a pitiful excuse for a decepticon, I should've killed you while Megatron's back was turned you pathetic insect," I scoffed Starscream while smacking him on the side of his helm.

Starscream and I were standing on a tall building having our usual argument like we used to back home before the war. We both made our quick remarks, but this time Starscream seemed more tense.

Nevertheless, I don't blame him...

We had just landed on this planet known as Earth, where it seemed that Lord Megatron had failed to retrieve the All Spark that had been lost among the galaxy's stars.

The plan to recover Megatron and the All Spark was revealed to me by Starscream, but it is difficult now that there are living life forms on this planet, humans.

They are a repulsive, sensitive race that is nothing more than inferior beings to us. Why Earth, out of all the locations in the galaxy?

Starscream then transformed into what my scanners say is a F-22 Raptor fighter jet, one he claims to have scanned from a military base in the humans possession.

I jumped from the structure and landed in the dirt; this planet ought to be called the "dirt planet" given how much of it there is.

I must admit, if we're here, the Autobots aren't far behind, and I'm a bit concerned... things might not go as anticipated seeing as Starscream is in command.

I have more experience and skill than Starscream could ever have, I'm twice the cybertrion he is, and yet my league still chose him over me after all these ages of Megatron leaving him in command instead of me.

While Screamer was nowhere to be seen, I was fighting on the front lines of the war. I had no qualms about killing a multitude of Autobots, but maybe if I had confronted Optimus Prime, Megatron would have picked me?

I'd never seen or met Optimus Prime personally, but I have met his scout, Bumblebee. That Mech was the only one that moved my spark the way it did...

I'm not sure if he's still alive.

I doubt it. It'd be a shame if we crossed paths, I'd have to kill him.

He never did good in training, I'm not surprised if he died within seconds of the war breaking out. It's strange that he sided with the Autobots while our commander at the time was a Decepticon.

Com Link: Blackout reporting, knowledge of the All Spark successful

I was tasked to get into contact with a human, and stay with them until giving the next phase of the plan.

Starscream purposefully made me sit and wait while he completed the majority of the work. It's a nuisance, but I'll let him have it for the time being; acquiring the All Spark and Megatron is the priority.

I moved through the dirt, seeing a large road ahead of me, and scanning the vehicle closest to me. A Porsche Carrera GT. (Can be whatever color or design you want.) 

I sped farther into human civilization as I passed more humans; there are many of them and they are all distinctive and yet so vulnerable. There are humans who appear to be smaller than average-sized beings; they must be the same as sparklings.

Watch them grow up and then send them into the world to watch their dreams die as they fall into the guidelines of people who profess to be higher than oneself. I honestly feel sorry for these heinous creatures. I moved into an area with less individuals; it was an area where humans resided and interacted with one another; there were more buildings with vehicles in their residential streets. One of the cars was comparable to mine, so I approached it and parked behind it; the other automobile was a huge black truck.

The structure is formed like a squared S. To each side, the two extensions stretch into a garden path. The second level is the same size as the first, but it extends over the edge of the floor below, forming an overhang on one side and a balcony on the other. This floor is designed differently than the floor below.

Com Link: Y/N in position

I said through the com, before going into recharge.

...

3rd POV

"TRENT!" A man yelled, he was slightly toned, he had no hair on his head, and he was fairly tall.

"Yeah, Dad?" Trent, a guy with broad shoulders and washboard abs, went out the door while wearing a light-colored shirt.

"Who's car is this?" the man asked, tracing his finger over the sides of the passenger side door. Trent shrugged as he approached the car on the driver's side and opened the door, "I dunno, it wasn't here last night, but it's unlocked."

Trent's father chuckled, "This is strange, your mother and I were just talking about buying a new car, You had someone over here that I don't know about, son?"

Trent shook his head, "No sir."

Trent's father hummed as he opened the passenger door and climbed inside. He then cast a quick glance around the vehicle, his eyes settling on a symbol in the center of the steering wheel. Reaching over, he touched the button and asked, "Hey son, you kids into these designs lately?"

"Nah, that's not something I've seen before," Trent said, squinting at the symbol. "Do you think the car was brought from Japan or something?" he asked.

"I'm not sure, but I'll drive it around the neighborhood later to check if someone left it here by accident or something, and if no one claims it, I'm keeping it," Trent's father adds as he steps out of the car.

"Wait, don't do that because someone might lie and say it's theirs," Trent says.

"Got any better ideas?" Trent's father asked, raising his brow.

"Yeah," Trent said with a smile while biting his lower lip. "I know a little bunny who would love to ride this beauty." 

...

"Hey baby," Trent says as he pulls up to the side of the school, where a girl with slick brown hair and blue eyes turned around, arms crossed, and a piercing glare on her face.

Trent got out of the car, smiled at the girl, placed the keys in her hands, rested his forehead against hers, and placed his hand on her hip, "I got this beauty behind me for the most exquisite girl in the world."

"Your mother," the girl hums.

"Don't be like that Mikaela, you know I'm talking about you, right?" Trent kissed her forehead. Mikaela pursed her lips, "And you realize you learned a new word, right? Exquisite, did you look it up before coming here?"

"No, but thanks," shook Mikaela's head as she clung to the keys. While fiddling with the keys in her palm, Mikaela turned away from Trent and walked towards the school's entrance.

Trent grumbled and followed her, "Great..."

1st POV: Sometime later 

Mikaela, a human female, drove me back to her house among a bunch of other automobiles, which her father allegedly owned, however I've never seen him. The girl sat beside me merely ranting about the human male named Trent, I presume they were conjunx endurae but I was mistaken, she doesn't feel the same anymore as she once did.

Conjunx Endurae: Romantically involved/partner.

Mikaela continued to berate the male, "Why do guys always think that we are useless, I mean like seriously, they always think we can't handle anything like freaking were their little bunnies in a cage, God I hate it when he calls me his little bunny, Ugh, I'm done, I'm so done with him I swear!"

"And I'm just here like an idiot talking to a car, and I just-"

The girl leaned on me attempting to hold herself together before breaking down, and within a minute she did. Drops of liquid trickled from Mikaela's optics, and from what I can tell, our species isn't all that different anatomically.

Optics: Eyes 

I could just kill her and leave, but that would be a foolish course of action. A ringing sound caused the girl to stop weeping and sit up straight. It's kind of strange how I'm just sitting here letting this creature express feelings to me right now... 

Mikaela snickers, snuggling against me once more, "Tch, you'd never believe who just called me. He wants to talk things out... you know, whenever I go with him, it's like he never listens to me, but that's what I get for falling for guys with broad shoulders and tight stupid abs, all that muscle but no brain, such a cliché, right."

I have no understanding what she is explaining. I've never been romantically involved with someone; I've only ever observed it among my former peers. I do remember instances in which Bumblebee would glance at me during training sessions, but he never approached me unless it was truly unavoidable, when he did he'd always stay with me until training  was over.

An old colleague of mine always urged me to speak to Bumblebee outside of training.

 I wish I did. It's far to late for that now, I'm a decepticon. I fight for lord Megatron and for my home.

"I wish you could talk, so it doesn't seem like I'm losing my mind y'know..." Mikaela stood up stretching her frame and rubbed her optics, she looked at me still with a soft expression, "I'm gonna head inside, honk if you need anything haha." 

For now, this human is given a pass; she is fortunate.

Com Link: Barricade reporting, Ladiesman217, Samuel James Witwicky, he has seen our language, sending coordinates.

Within a few kilometers of here, the coordinates are nearby-Mikaela returned, wrapped in a cloth, opened my door, and sat down on the seat."I'm gonna sleep here if that's okay with you," she muttered as she settled in.

Of course she is...I can't even signal them without alarming the her.

Scarp. 

Mikaela went into recharge rather longer then excepted, the femme seems to have a lot on her mind if she's that anxious over a mech like Trent. He gets it from his sire for certain. 

Sire: Father/dad 

Two days later

It sickens me to say that I've grown fond of Mikaela.

It's been two days since Mikaela left to a lakeside party Trent kept pestering her to attend, so she caved and declared it was her last time ever speaking to him. I made me think a lot about Cybertron, and I stayed by Megatron's side and did everything he asked of me successfully. Mikaela's words from the night before made me question whether I was like a bunny to Lord Megatron. There are other femme deceptions. They aren't as skilled as I am, so that makes sense, but why not put me in command?

Com Link: Barricade requesting back up Y/N, located the boy. 

I started my engine and tailed it to Barricade's location. 

[vore-scientist]

Peas In A Pod

[Non-sex/ual GT vo.re. Male pred, male and female prey. High fantasy fairytale setting]

Alt Title: In Which Yonah Is Visited By Some Old College Friends

Summary: Two of Yonah’s friends from back in wizard college happen to be professional thieves and foolishly accept a contract to steal an item from his tower. This goes exactly how you’d expect but the fun part is in the juicy details!

A fun GT adventure in a magic tower! Magic chase/fight scene! Vo.re! GT snuggles!

Warnings: Sort of betrayal/extreme fearplay, no injuries (except to feelings). Strong language.  A sprinkle of very mild adult humor near the end.

Thank you to my proofreaders @j0hnnymouse and @vixen525

---

“This must be good if they called you both here in person.”

The figure behind the desk kept their face in shadow under a standard issue, but highly personalized cowl. They turned their head to indicate looking at each of the two thieves in front of them who were not wearing cowls, but rather had elegant wizard robes. It was notable that their robes, when examined, had intricate design and stunning construction, they were not brightly colored as was tradition, opting instead for shades of black, and if one wasn't looking (and why would you be? It's rude to stare), you might forget you saw them at all. 

“Yeah, weird that the normal missive delivered by raven was a summons, not the offer,” said the female twin. 

“Just go in,” said the Shady Secretary, waving them into the office. 

The twins had to shield their eyes, as the room they entered was considerably brighter than the lobby. There was no inch of this room where light did not touch, and nowhere could a shadow even be cast. The desks and drawers were solid to the ground and the ceiling was one large mirror. The only objects in the room were a filing cabinet and a desk. 

The person behind the desk was not wearing a cowl, but showing off her old scarred face. 

“Thank you for arriving so promptly No-uh… um…” she frowned as the twins grinned. Even the guild head couldn't tell Noah and Noam Berkowitz apart. 

“I’ll cut the crap,” she declared. “One of our top B&E’s had a failure about a week ago,”

Noam made a mental note to figure out exactly who it was. Everyone’s business was meant to be kept secret. Gossip was strictly forbidden. So of course, the entire guild was full of it at all times. She kept her face straight. The grand master had started speaking. 

“But the client is so graciously giving us a second chance. I suppose when you have been waiting for so long to get an object, one failure is not a deterrent.”

She took a breath. “We have been keeping tabs on an item for several years for this client, and its location was finally confirmed when His Mystical Majesty decided to move it to a new location. Scouting this place proved difficult, as it is in the Mystical Woodlands. The locals all had conflicting stories. We finally narrowed it down to a particular tower guarded by a giant mage.”

The twins exchanged glances, but quickly returned attention to the guild head, hoping she had not noticed. They were both thinking the same thing. 

“Mage…” the guild head growled. “It wasn’t just a mage, it was a wizard!” she cursed, “Giant wizards? Since when has your guild allowed that?” she spat at the two wizards in the room as if to accuse them. 

Noam was a bit shocked that the guild head didn't know. It had been big news for a time. Yet somehow, most people had not noticed or did not care.

“A wizard who, according to our operative, took a great deal of pleasure employing a unique form of torture. She only escaped using a teleport stone. Wasting it, she said. even when it was the reason she made it out alive.”

Oof… both twins winced. An expensive tool for dire situations. And Yonah, for this must be their friend from the wizard academy, had forced her to use it? Fuck… They knew his contract with King Ben was to be an evil wizard but he wasn't actually evil… was he?

“You see why I called you here?” the grand master asked. 

In perfect sync they answered. “Sending wizards to deal with a wizard.”

“Indeed,” she said. “Here is the contract.” She held out a scroll. 

It was standard-issue: an anonymous client (at least, to them), a description of the object, the amount they would be paying (considerable), and the normal stipulations upon success or failure. Except… the object in this case had some extra conditions, as it was heavily cursed. It was advised they do not touch it for long, nor look into it. But above all else, do not fall asleep with it anywhere on one's person unless stored in a pocket space.

All they had to do was sign it. Not with their names but with their guild codes. 

“We want more of a cut,” Noam said. 

“Excuse me?” The guild head looked shocked.

“You wouldn't even consider trying this again if you didn't have wizard thieves. You don't have other options, so unless you give us a larger percentage of the reward, you can tell your client to find another guild hall.”

The guild head’s fists clenched and unclenched, but there was nothing she could do. There were no other thieves who were also wizards. And while it would be amusing to have a different thieves guild hall fail the same contract, it would harm the guild’s reputation as a whole.

“Fine…” She took back the scroll and, with the quill on her desk, made a quick adjustment. Noam took it and handed it to Noah. He whispered a quick spell and pressed a finger to the number 10% which had previously been 20%. The percentage the guild would take. 

“The change is a complete one,” he said. “I am hurt that you think I would try to trick you, the only wizard thieves in the entire guild,” said the guild head, as if she had not tried several times before. 

Noah and Noam inscribed their guild codes onto the parchment and handed it back. 

“We won't let you down.”

----

“So, that’s the plan,” Noam said, rolling up the diagram. “Unless you have any more input?”

“I’m still worried. That map of secrets was drawn nearly a hundred years ago by a different inhabitant of the tower. Surely Yonah’s made changes.”

Noam nodded, a valid concern. “So we will improvise where needed. We can’t exactly scout the place. He’ll smell us. And we don’t have enough scent mask to scout and infiltrate.” 

She was right, of course. She always was. 

“We should have explored more during all of those potlucks he held,” Noah sighed. “Or waited for him to host another! At least we’d know the basic layout.”

“We were kind of busy!” Noam said. “And the next potluck isn’t for another month. So let’s go.” 

“Wait.”

“What now?” Noam was looking impatient.

“Are you sure about this? Stealing from our friend?”

That got him a suspicious look. “It’s not stealing from a friend. It's stealing from the king. Always ethical. Second, we signed the contract, and if we bail we won’t be blacklisted - we will voidlisted!”

“I conceded the first point but the second…” Noah laughed. Noam frowned. “What is so funny!?”

“You’re always the suspicious one,” Noam replied, “And yet you believe voidlisting is a thing,” “It is so a thing!” Noam insisted. “Is not!” Noah said. “It’s a rumor, and a bad one at that, to scare initiates.” Noam’s face grew red. “Fuckers,” she hissed. “Still-” she recovered, “-Yonah doesn’t own this item. He is guarding it. So we aren't stealing from him.”

The more they bickered, the sloppier they’d be on the job, and Noah knew it. So he conceded defeat and followed his sister through the woods.That was step one: finding the tower in the living maze that was the Mystical Woodlands. While they walked, Noah checked and re-checked their supplies. Magical daggers, magical lockpicks, spell supplies, thieves tools, and the special formula scent mask that worked on giants. 

Noam stopped him and tasted the air. “Should be… Around this mound!” she said with more confidence than Noah thought was deserved, until they had stepped out of the forest and entered a grand orchard. Grand in a literal sense, as many of the trees either boasted huge flowers or sagged with enormous fruits while others were of normal scale. 

“This explains the fruit basket Shoshanna got for her birthday,” Noam said. “And the subsequent gifts of jams we all got.”

At first, the trees seemed randomly planted. However, as they walked through, the pattern became visible: there was space for a giant to walk through most of the area. The same could be said for the garden. There were dozens of beds for plants of all sorts, many of which the twins recognized from their own studies of plants that were common spell components. But there were also so many they didn't, and a good portion of those looked rather dangerous. They probably should have paid attention when Yonah had given them tours of the garden. 

In particular, one plant, not in a bed, was at the base of the tower. Thick green vines with deadly black thorns twisted up all the way to the single window fifty feet above the ground. Even guild members didn’t have flying equipment to get them up easily and entirely avoid the thorns, which were surely sull of poison. 

The twins were not ordinary guild members. They were wizards. They did have flying equipment to get them up easily. It wasn't an elegant carpet, not anymore, but it worked just fine and was small enough to use almost anywhere. Probably the best item they’d ever stolen. 

“You forgot the carpet?!” Noam snapped.

——-

Sometimes being a royal mage and evil wizard is exciting. Sometimes it's so boring that one cannot help but fall asleep on the job. Or… perhaps one was not careful enough reading old tombs. King Ben’s archeo-agents had recently gotten ahold of some very old fairy tales, possibly written close enough to the historic events to be foundational. They were not happy about Ben ordering them to hand them over to Yonah. No one ever liked handing the half-Fire Witch ancient and very flammable objects. 

Now, if you think this is such an honor that Yonah is being trusted with, it’s very much not. Yonah was given them because it was pretty much guaranteed these were cursed from cover to cover. It was his job to attempt translations, then determine what the curses were and, if possible, break those curses without destroying the books. 

And that is why Yonah woke up face down on his desk, the book of Sleeping Beauty glued and imprinted into his cheek.

Maybe he could put a charm on his glasses to block the remnants of sleep magic. But until then, he’d work on another book. He eyed the smallfolk-sized bookshelf that had been shipped to his tower. Not all the titles had been translated yet, so he wouldn't be taking a chance on any of those. And no way was he even touching The Wild Swans. He couldn't be sure if the magic was powerful enough to turn his sister into a swan or if it would be limited to himself. 

It was amusing to try and imagine his sister as a swan. As a giant being of fire, it would be nearly impossible to turn her into a normal swan, even with incredibly powerful magic. Certainly the magic in these books wasn't enough. Best not to chance it. Nor The Princess and the Frog. Good chance of turning into a frog. Perhaps … Goldilocks. 

He’d already lived through his own version of that*, so at worst, reading it would summon Goldie to his tower. Surely the chaotic entity that was Goldie had a little more control of her Aura of Entropy. Right? 

(*see Goldilocks and the Giant Wizard)

Or he deserved a break. He had been working really hard, even if the work was sitting at his desk. Upon standing, his vision swam so badly he thought for a moment he had been cursed and would wake up as some small animal. When that didn't happen, he instead went downstairs to the kitchen to get a drink of water. Work was definitely done for the day. 

Unless it wasn’t. He was certainly done with his royal mage duties. He didn't think he could even read a book for pleasure tonight, let alone for more work. No, no, no!

In a moment of delirium, he had thought about his comfortable bed and not the kitchen and had walked into the sitting room. He realized his mistake and turned around, then stopped in his tracks. 

That was blood he smelled. Of the human kind. But it wasn't just that. There was something else but his tired brain wasn’t connecting the scent to the memory. Maybe he just needed a better sample. He let his nose lead him to the source of the scent.

There was a small spot of blood on the floor right where the doorframe met the floor. He knelt and breathed in deeply through his nose. 

No way. But it couldn't be anything else. Or rather, anyONE else. And if he was here, she had to be as well. Then he realized: they had snuck in. That meant they were here on business. Alright then, business. If it was their job to steal, it was his job to stop them. He licked his lips. Back in school, he had only tasted them and had never given serious thought to eating them, or anyone really. Now he thought about it. Now he couldn't stop thinking about it. Now he desperately wanted it.  

----

So far so good. Better than good! They had snuck right behind Yonah as he sat at his desk and slipped through the hole in the trap door without any indication that they had been noticed. Not even a twitch of his giant ears.

Truth be told, this was a dream assignment. On paper. Breaking into a location they had visited many times, they knew the layout without having to scout or get a map. The reality was different. Sure, they had been here before, But trying to find a magically guarded item in a wizard tower was never going to be easy. The location wasn’t going to be someplace easily accessible, that’s for darn sure! Process of elimination helped them at least avoid wasting time looking in places it certainly couldn't be. 

“I am very sure,” Noam said as they climbed the bookshelf. “What wizard doesnt have a hidden vault or entire set of passages and rooms behind a bookshelf?”

“Plenty of them! We don't!” Noah pointed out. 

“Evil wizards, Noah,” Noam retorted. “Evil wizards. Or any wizard with a lair, which we don't have. We should get a lair! Even Shoshanna has a lair!” “She has a bakery!”

“Same thing!”

Even with both of them pulling books from different shelves, it took a while, Yonah had a lot of books and, of course, the shelves were giant-sized. They did find a few fake books with keys in them and objects that were so obviously cursed, they were not the least bit tempted to steal a little extra side-loot. Nope. Not at all. After all, they had two more shelves to check.

Then they had one more shelf to check. 

“It’s not behind a bookshelf.”

Noah jumped (quiet the wrong reaction from a trained thief) while Noam darted behind a book, silently cursing her brother. 

Yonah was leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed, those brown eyes enlarged a little by the spectacles staring straight at them. His expression was hard to read but Noam hoped it was amused. Surely he was amused, yet he just stood there. Even leaning to the side, he nearly filled the opening… 

“It was fun for a while,” Yonah said. “Watching you work so hard for something so fruitless. But alas, I would bet what you’re after is behind my spice shelf.”

The twins should have bolted. Anyone would have. But they both stayed where they were.

Yonah smirked. “Let's get this over with then, yes?” 

Finally he moved. Or rather, stomped, towards them. 

“FEE! FI! FO! FUM!”

Now they really should have run. Only, Yonah had to be playing around. He was just trying to scare them! Noam glanced at her brother, who was gone, and Yonah laughed as he came closer. 

“I SMELL THE BLOOD OF HUMANKIND. IT MATTERS NOT THE THINGS YOU STOLE, I’LL CAPTURE YOU AND SWALLOW YOU WHOLE.”

That’s when she ran. Not that Noam thought he would eat them, but he was being damn scary! And after all, if he intended to play childish chase games, she wasn't going to lose! At the very least, she wasn't going to lose and let her brother win.

“We didn't even steal anything!” Noam yelled back, slipping behind the shelf. It felt safe there. She could choose her direction from here, and hopefully not the direction Yonah anticipated her to go.

Such was rendered moot when Yonah dragged the shelf away from the wall. “Oh, it's not going to be that easy,” he taunted. The brim of his hat cast an ominous shadow over his face, except for his glowing eyes. 

“No, it's not.” Noam crushed the capsule in her hand, casting a quick wind spell before covering her own face and running blindly in the opposite direction, as Yonah shook the room with his powerful sneezes.

There was only one destination for her. How foolish of Yonah to reveal his secrets so openly. The stairwell seemed so much further away as she fled towards it than when Yonah had been standing in it. Giant houses suck. Everything is so spaced out!

And of course, Yonah recovered fast. Probably cast his own wind spell. Glancing back, Noam could see his eyes were more red than orange, but now he looked legitimately angry. The glance was long enough to see him gesture, and short enough for her to turn forward and see the carpet rise, intending to fling her back. She pushed some magic into her feet to jump, land on the wooden floor, and dash again as the carpet fell right at her heels. 

Then it lunged for her. Dammit, that wasn't a puppet spell; it was an animation spell! Fine. Two could play that game. It was risky to get out her staff, but it was worth it when her reversal spell hit the carpet and it turned on its owner. Maybe it was folly to stop and watch Yonah get wrapped by his fancy carpet, but she knew she would have regretted not seeing the look on his face; his head was sticking out the top, all squished as he roared in frustration.

She made it to the stairs and gave a silent thanks to The Whole that she could go up or down and still reach the kitchen, and down was definitely faster than up. Even if the human steps would be easier, it was faster to leap down the giant ones and let gravity do the work for her. 

Noam didn't know if she wanted to find Noah in the kitchen or not. No, she did. They didn't get as far on high-rank jobs by being competitive. They got there by being a team. So where had Noah gone…

This was where prior knowledge was really going to come in handy. Yonah had two locations where he kept spices. Actually, it was three but she was designating the drawer and cabinet in the kitchen as the first and the cabinet in the walk-in cupboard as the second. That was surely where the secret entrance was.

Of course, she had to figure out the trigger to open the vault. Nooks were easy: take them out, open them. But it couldn't be as simple as removing the spice jar or sack. She’d probably have to use it in some way. But first, she needed to open a lot of jars. That way, she could test a bunch all at once rather than one at a time. 

Fuck! She knew she had overlooked something. Her eyes stung and her lungs burned as she popped the cork on an amber bottle, a poof of red hitting her face before she could react. How could she forget Yonah kept about a thousand different pepper powders!?

She stumbled back and smacked herself in the face with her staff as she cast a water spell. The water blasted her in the face and it was instant relief, as long as she kept it up. 

Then the water stopped, and she felt the familiar sensation of a half-giant’s hand wrapped around her body. She had one teleport spell but the chance of re-capture was too great to waste it here. 

“Now now,” Yonah chided. “You’ve already seasoned yourself. I couldn't have you undo all that good work!” 

Another familiar sensation: a giant tongue across the side of her face. 

“Okay, okay! You won!” Noam protested. “Well, if you get my brother, that is.”

The grip on her did not loosen as Yonah closed the pantry and marched back to the sitting room. “Oh, the other one? Caught him before you.” He pulled a rather disoriented Noah from a pocket.

“Very funny,” Noam said. “You know that’s Noah. Now let us go and- uck!”

The grip on her tightened. And Yonah’s face turned harsh with a grin. “I’m sorry, did you miss the part where I said I’m going to eat you?”

Even if the air had not just been squashed out of her she would have been rendered speechless. The statement brought Noah back to reality.

“You- You wouldn't!” he squawked. “Yonah-”

“We’re your friends!” Noam managed to gasp.

“You are THIEVES!” Yonah spat. “Thieves who now know the location of one of my secret vaults. I cannot let you live.”

“You told us how to find it!” Noah objected as he tried to run away, but Yonah caught him mid jump.

“So I did,” he chuckled, licking his sharp fangs. “So I did.” 

“But we’re friends!”

Yonah shrugged. “And now you’re food”

That prompted a tirade of confused protests. It took all of Yonah’s self-control not to laugh as his friends slowly realized he was serious. Until the mostly verbal protests turned into verbal spells. A particularly nasty one hit him in the nose and he nearly dropped them as the itching crawled from his nose to his ears, but he was able to tuck them both under an arm as he used one hand to scratch his ears and the other to end the spell.

“Alright, enough.” he seethed. Unsurprisingly they did not heed this order and Noam started to shout another spell. 

“Food doesn't talk,” He fumed, and shoved Noah into his mouth. 

He half expected Noam to blast him with that spell she’d been preparing, but for some reason she didn’t. It was the perfect opportunity. He had to focus on swallowing Noah. 

Wow, he had forgotten how good these two tasted! And it was so nice of them to show up and offer themselves to him, even if he had to work for it. But he had to make this quick. Who knew what mischief Noam was getting up to, even trapped in his grip? A shame. He really wanted to savor this. 

Even so, he did hesitate for a moment. He had never eaten a friend before. Okay, clarification - there were a handful of people he became friends with after having eaten them. They don't count. He had never eaten a friend he made before he became evil. Not that the twins were his best buddies or anything, but they were still his friends. And now he was eating them. He could hear Noah crying. He could feel Noah crying. Now that he thought about it, Noam too. 

“~no!”

She weakly squeaked as her brother’s kicking feet were pulled into the ravenous maw. Without any hope, she clawed at the giant hand, attempting to get to her brother. 

And she released an unholy shriek when he took that massive, satisfying swallow and the squirming lump that was her brother disappeared. Yonah might have only been half giant but eating one human didn’t make a difference in his physique. Maybe he looked a little full? Just… Occasionally, minute movements could be seen from underneath Yonah’s robe as Noah fought to get free, but only the smallest of tremors. It was nothing to the half giant. 

And Noah was screaming too. She’d never heard her brother scream like that. He was dying in there, inside the belly of their former friend.

The giant looked at her with fiery, hungry eyes. Teeth glistening with drool. Then he did something truly terrible.

“Absolutely delightful!” He declared, “And struggling wonderfully. You have to feel this.”

No, she didn’t! But Noam didn’t have a choice as he pressed her against his stomach. Oh GODS. The fabric didn’t do much to conceal her brother’s futile struggles under the dense flesh. She could now hear and feel his terror. 

The stomach made a happy gurgling noise. And they both cried out ugly sobs.

“NOAH!!” She broke her silence and slammed her fists against the Giant’s gut, as hard as she could. “I’ll get you out! DAMMIT!” It was to no avail. Everything shook as the giant laughed at her. 

“As much fun as it would be to see you try, I'm not that desperate for entertainment and you smell so delightful,” the giant cooed, looking down at the squirming human. He pulled her away and back to eye level. “If your brother tasted that good, I can’t wait to eat you.” 

Yonah licked her face again. Noam winced as she was covered in near-scalding saliva. 

“Mmmmmm, you definitely taste better!” 

Still laughing. Deep, hollow, and victorious at their demise. She could only shake and blubber in his grasp. 

Then he blinked. And the fire faded away. The laughter was pitched up and mirthful. An annoying laugh.

 A familiar laugh. 

“Y-Yonah?” Noam’s fear, confusion, and rage were fighting and sentences were not forming. 

“You-you should see your fa-faces!” He continued to laugh, nearly bent double and clutching his hand over his gut, squishing Noah who was screaming so loud he could be heard over the giant’s laughter. 

“You really believed I was going to kill you!” he wheezed, and adjusted his grip on the woman so she sat in his palm, held there by a thumb. 

“Fucker!” The cries of Noah changed from desperate fear to frustration. And a reduced level of fear. “Let me out!!!” But Yonah ignored him. He was talking to Noam.

Who shot him an angry salt filled glare. “You… you-!”

“-had you fooled?” Yonah straightened up, catching his breath. “HOO! That’s a good kick you got there Noah. Keep it up! Maybe it will be enough to make me puke. Hasn’t happened yet, but first time for everything, right?”

The struggling stopped. Dang, he shouldn’t have said anything. He focused on the woman in his hand.

“I’ve gotten pretty good at this big bad giant act!” Yonah smiled brightly, as if he had just played a harmless prank on them.

“Aha, ha, ha…” Noam nervously smiled but couldn’t maintain it. “ACT?’ ACT!?! YOU FUCKING ATE NOAH!” she shrieked, which only bolstered Yonah’s amusement. “STOP LAUGHING! IT ISN'T FUNNY!”

“Wrong! It’s hilarious!” Yonah chuckled as he rubbed his stomach in contemplation, before nodding, “And don’t worry - I’ve got room for you!” He announced with cheeky, monstrous excitement, poking his fingers into her side like she was a baby and he was playing a game. 

Art by @pythonpie (tumblr and twitter) (ive had this art since 2019. Finally used)

That set Noah off, and he flailed harder than ever. Oh, that was so nice. Truth be told Noah was rather stuffed in there, but stomachs stretched. Even if Noah filled up the current space, he could make more… Right?

“No! Spare her, please!” Noah pleaded. “You already ate me! For the love of the gods!”

“YONAH, DON'T DO THIS!” Noam begged, eyes red & puffy, her tears mixing with his saliva from before. 

This was worse than him not remembering them! He did remember. He was still going to kill them! And he was going to enjoy every moment. 

“Don’t kill us!”

“Me? Kill my friends? An absurd notion!” His hollow words failed to assure Noam as she was brought closer to his mouth.

“But first-” breathing in her scent and blowing hot air out “I have a job to do. So are you ready to join your brother?” His smile broadened as he indicated his stomach with his free hand.

“THE HELL I'M NOT!” Noam bellowed, kicking at his face as he opened his mouth wide yet again. Noah, meanwhile, continued to pound uselessly at his insides.

Yonah forced Noam’s feet into his mouth with his free hand and his tongue, pushing her back, licking her legs greedily as she continued to curse him out. His only answer was to swallow. 

She tasted almost exactly the same as her brother. Almost. It was subtle, but he could tell the difference.

Swears turned to desperate pleading shrieks as her head passed under his teeth. 

“I AIN'T GOING DOWN THIS EASY!”

“GKKCHLKK-!”

He choked as she twisted around only halfway in his throat. She reached out of his mouth and grabbed onto his fangs! Was she stupid?! He could accidentally bite her hands off! No matter, he just lifted his tongue up to dislodge them, feeling her scramble to find purchase on his tongue. All she succeeded in doing was give him more of her flavor before she was pulled the rest of the way into his throat, her hands the last thing to go. 

He would have liked to be gentle, but he didn’t have the time, Noah had already been sitting in his stomach for a literal hot minute. So he swallowed hard, ignoring her peril and the objections of her brother.  She screeched as the pressure increased to pull her down to his stomach. 

Fuck!

He clutched his chest. She wasn’t progressing any further, despite his continued swallowing. At least he could breathe, though not well. The last swallow got her below his neck, but she was still putting pressure on his trachea. 

He should have anticipated this. Noah was stretching out his stomach. How he even found purchase, Yonah didn’t know. And it hurt! Noah was pushing against Noam’s feet, keeping her in Yonah’s esophagus. It wasn’t hard, as he already took up most of the space. Fucker probably though he could get him to throw up. It would take a lot more than that.

Yonah took a painful breath, his lungs and pounding heart pressing against his swollen throat, against Noam’s stuck form. She thrashed and his breath hitched. 

“Let her in, idiot! She needs AIR!” His voice was harsh and dusty. He wrapped his knuckles against Noah. 

With extreme reluctance, Noah silently admitted that Yonah was right. Even if it was a death trap, it was a death trap with “breathable” air. He stopped holding up Noam and let himself be squashed into the bottom of the stomach as another few swallows forced her to join him. Worried she might pass out, he grabbed a hold of her ankles and pulled in time with Yonah’s swallowing.

The stomach graciously stretched to accommodate the second person, way too naturally for Noah’s liking. But at least no air had been pushed out. 

Once Noam was entirely in the stomach, Noah hugged her tightly and cried. Through his own shaking sobs, he could tell she was panting and panicking with rage. 

What immense relief Yonah felt that Noah had given in!. In fact, he felt an odd tugging. That was really weird. But they were both safely in his stomach now. 

Well, not safe. Not for long. But that was okay. He’d enjoy the fullness for the few minutes he had before spitting them out, because it felt incredible. He rarely got to eat more than one person at a time. While one person certainly made him feel full, now he was actually full. And he wasn't going to let that feeling go so soon. 

If only they would stop yelling at him! He wanted to enjoy this!

/That BASTARD/ thought Noam /So calmly eating another human!/ No. Not calmly. EAGERLY! RAVENOUSLY. And not just any humans, but his FRIENDS! Back in school, while he had a little trouble adjusting to human culture, he wasn’t divorced from his humanity. And yes, he had tasted them, held them affectionately in his mouth, but he’d never shown any desire to actually eat them. 

“LET US OUT, YOU BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU!” Noam started screaming with her first breath of the rancid “air”.

He had been pretty much like any other student. Just larger. He’d helped them study for exams! Made veritable feasts for them in the kitchens! He trusted them not to reveal his secret! And they had kept it! So why, why, why was he so excited to make a meal of them?! 

“Hmmmm,” was all the response she got.

“I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR US!” She berated him with a surprisingly strong kick for someone so restrained by his stomach walls. 

“Ugh…” Yonah grumbled. “Yeah I can, and you’re ruining this for me. Shut the fuck up, alright?” He had once again dropped his low villainous voice. That part of the game was over. 

“YOU ATE US! I WILL NOT-”

But he tapped a finger to his stomach and cast a silence spell. Ahhh, much better. Then he felt one of them, probably Noam, dispel it.

“MOTHERFUCKER I SWEAR TO YOUR PRECIOUS FIFTH ASPECT I WILL KILL YOU!” 

“Rude much?” He cast it again but this time maintained it, and he felt Noam thrash after trying and failing to dispel it. They might be powerful wizards in their own right, but his firewitch heritage made him stronger. Noah flailed too. It was cramped in there. 

The fluid levels were creeping up. They had to convince him to let them out before it was too late and they took desperate measures. The problem was they couldn’t speak! That made certain spells unavailable, plus he had taken their staves and thieves' tools. And the secret real thieves tools! He had found everything. It was also painfully obvious he was more than happy to leave them to die in his stomach. 

Wait. Maybe they didn't have to convince him…

Now that Yonah had a moment’s quiet, he could fully appreciate their struggles and lick his fingers of their taste. He sat on his couch and leaned back. Ahh, this was the perfection of comfort. 

“Uh, uh, uh!” With his hand to his stomach he felt the beginning of a teleport, the spell trying and failing to latch onto him. The result made him, and notably his stomach, feel dissociated with reality. But he stopped it before they could set it off entirely. 

“That’s not gonna work, so don't try it again unless you want to be sitting in bile,” he warned. “Teleports make me feel icky.”

Specifically, people trying to teleport out of him made him nauseated. At least teleports that didn’t account for him being half-firewitch. Such attempts failed and gave him a splitting headache. Noah and Noam had forgotten the firewitch resistance factor; his head was swimming a bit. 

He gave them a few seconds to process this. Mostly with additional attempts to assault him from the inside. Okay, maybe another minute. Or two. Or three…  

More than the rolling motions of the muscles and the powerful pulse, the worst of this was the moving pressure on one side of the stomach. Noam had seen it from the outside… she knew he was stroking his stomach, stroking them! Chuckling as they retaliated. Letting them know he could feel them, taunting them in their soon to be tomb. 

Then his voice returned. 

Even at his normal pitch, from inside him it rumbled. 

“I’m going to let you speak now. Do not make me regret it.” The pressure was lifted away, and the silence with it.

“Yonah?” Noam experimented. The silence spell was indeed gone. 

“Yes, Noam?” he trilled. 

So condescending! 

“You’re a fucking asshole!” She choked on panic and foul air, but all the words got through. 

“Thanks! I try my best!” And he patted his stomach again. 

Neither of them reacted beyond bracing themselves as they bounced, having learned last time it wasn’t worth it. 

“Can you not?” Noah pleaded, “Is it not enough that you ate us?”

“Don’t act like I’m the one at fault! You broke into my tower. You know I’m evil now.”

“We didn’t think you were a MONSTER WHO ATE HIS FRIENDS!” Noam retorted.

Yonah chuckled. “No need for name calling.” That got him a few more kicks. “I wasn’t evil back at the academy!” He continued to massage his slightly swollen stomach “And I didn’t even know I could do it. Swallow a human whole, I mean. An elf? Probably. Gnomes for sure, not that I ever did. Anyways, I was fairly sure I couldn’t eat a human. I’m a bit on the small side compared to most giants. Never seriously crossed my mind, no matter how good any of you smallfolk tasted. Especially because of that one time I nearly choked to death on Micah.” (yes I am writing that story) 

He heaved a sigh, feeling his diaphragm push down on his friends. 

“But I’ve since discovered I can. And it’s pretty damn great”

“It really isn’t!” Noah spat.

“Oh, nonono! Not for you. For me,” Yonah clarified. “You have no idea. There is really nothing like a belly full of smallfolk, just… squirming away in there! You two are wonderfully feisty by the way. Is that because you’re thieves and are good at maneuvering in tight spaces or because you just love me?”

They didn’t answer his question. They didn’t say anything, they just sobbed loudly. They were going to die knowing their friend enjoyed murdering people by eating them alive. How could someone have changed so much? Was the world truly that horrible? And he was still playing with them, poking them and squishing them.

“Something wrong?” He said innocently. “You’re not moving as much!”

He sounded worried? No. That couldn’t be it. Disappointed?

“Maybe we don’t like the idea of you enjoying our deaths!” Noam answered.

“Eh, I’m not gonna kill you.” Yonah gave his belly an affectionately sharp nudge, pleased that saying so earlier had been interpreted as a big fat lie. “I’m going to spit you back up.” He was not pleased that this still did not encourage them to struggle again.

“You’re not gonna ki-? … You're gonna WHAT?!” That voice cracked and Yonah couldn’t tell who said it. But it was very doubtful.

“I know, I’m convincing.” Yonah sounded way too proud. “But kill my friends? I’m not that evil. And I know from experience that, currently, you two aren’t even close to passing out let alone dying. Give me a few more minutes. Maybe some good kicks?” He patted his stomach again to encourage them. He looked down to see if they complied. 

Maybe they weren’t dying just yet, but it was getting harder to breathe and the offensive fluids around them made their skin sting, reminding them that this was a stomach. Those were stomach fluids trying to digest them, regardless of whether Yonah wanted to or not. So Noam gave one big kick before withdrawing. That was a nice jolt! But no more as he heard them both grumble. Oh well. Maybe he should be a little less evil… But only just.

His occupants yelped briefly as he jauntily made his way down the stairs. Then screamed wildly as he pressed his hands to his stomach and started to throw up.

“There you go!” Yonah declared, as he coaxed them under the sink faucet. “Right as rain!”

Noam said nothing and lay back, submerging herself in the water to get the offending fluids out of her hair. Noah was still shaking, holding onto Yonah’s hand as an emotional anchor. With his other hand Yonah reached for a bar of soap and from his pockets got out the thieves’ supplies.

Noam snatched the leather harnesses back and got out a knife, carving into the massive soap, handing a chunk to Noah. 

Yonah didn’t try to make anymore conversation as the twins cleaned up. But he did supervise them. Resting his arms and head on the counter. These two couldn’t be left alone, and he didn't have anything pressing to do. His research could continue tomorrow.

“Since you’re here you might as well stay the night.” His tone made it clear that this wasn’t optional. “It’s been a while since I’ve had friends over.”

“Oh!?” Noam piped up, she was drying off using one of his hand towels. “Bold of you to assume we’re still friends!”

“Ah!” Yonah gasped, putting a hand to his chest and tried to look dramatically devastated. “What harsh words! Surely something as ridiculous as eating you didn’t destroy our special bond!”

Noam glared at him. “We never had such a thing. But if we did, it’d be gone now!”

Yonah rolled his eyes which only made her fume. “I thought you were made of stronger stuff. Being eaten didn’t stop Myran from becoming my friend! Or Jake! You know I eat him, right?” 

There was a lot of silence as they processed this. It was finally broken when Noah finished up his shower.

“For the record,” he said, “I’m still your friend.”

----

Yonah woke up a bit disappointed that he was only cuddling with one human and not two but Noam had been adamant about distrusting him, even if Noah snuggled right up to him just like normal. His little thieves had been quite worn out. And even with Noam’s distrust, he had heard her fall asleep even before her brother. And she was still asleep now. He peeked into her makeshift bed, a large treasure chest into which he’d placed a very fine mattress, the fluffiest pillows enchanted to stay cool, and the softest blankets. It just looked so adorable to have smallfolk sleep in them, and he had several for when he had many guests. Of course, he preferred when his friends slept with him. 

So he placed her brother with her and went to fix breakfast. Neither had an appetite for dinner, so they were bound to be ravenous. He smiled as he recalled that the twins favored breakfast food was pancakes. While he couldn't make them as perfect as Shoshanna, he was proud of his recipe, and Shoshanna didn't have syrup from the secret maple grove in the Mystic Woods. He also made a mountain of eggs scrambled with onions, his more mild peppers, and some greens. 

“Don’t you fucking dare,” he snarled at Noam, whom he’d spotted sneaking in the direction of the pantry from the corner of his eye.

“Can’t blame a thief for trying,” she huffed, and clambered onto the table where Yonah had set up the smallfolk dining table.

“I can!” Yonah objected. “But I won't hold it against you. Where is your brother?”

“Just taking another shower. He still felt a bit sticky,” she said, and scrunched her face as she tried not to think about why. 

Yonah served her a few hot pancakes, but then crossed his arms like a stern teacher. “What were you after, if I may ask?” 

“Uhhhh..” Noam took a bite to avoid answering. So Yonah took a guess.  “Was it the emerald?”

Noam couldn't help but talk through her mouthful. “Why would you think-” 

“She blabbed?” came Noah’s voice as he climbed up the table, his curly hair rather shiny and smelling like fresh pomegranate. It took a lot of self-control for Yonah not to lick the little human. 

Noah looked horrified, and he stole a pancake off his sister’s plate. “She lied in her report! What did you do to make her speak?!”

“What do you think?” Yonah smiled and winked. “It’s amazing what people will say to get out of my stomach.”

“A stomach that they’re going to be let out of regardless…” Noam stabbed at her brother’s thieving fingers, to no effect. 

Yonah drew up his posture. “Noam, if you two, my friends, people I like, people I care about, couldn’t tell I was bluffing, what hope does anyone else have?”

Noam considered this over a few more bites of pancake.

“When did you get so good at being so evil!?” she finally exclaimed.

Yonah shrugged. “I think it comes naturally to fire witches. When did you go back to the Thieves Guild? Or did you never fucking leave?!”

The looks on their faces told him he was right. He put his arms around the humans, open palms behind them. 

“I won’t tell anyone,” he assured. “But I have to know, just in case you’re hunted down someday. I want to know if it was your own stupidity that earned your fate.”

The twins shook a bit. What was he talking about!?

“Were you stealing things from the Academy?” he asked. “Is that why you enrolled? Was the guild so desperate that they would pull a con like that?”

They didn’t relax, not all the way, but they let go of each other. 

“Of course we stole things,” Noam said. “We’re thieves.” Worry filled Yonah’s face, so Noah continued. “But not for the guild! Those unsolved mysterious robberies weren’t us! Attending the school was our choice.”

“Most of what we stole was trivial,” Noam continued. “We stole a bracelet from you.”

“My brace- wait! The one I had lost in Xharem’s treasure room? You stole it!? That was-“ the roots of his hair started to glow along with his eyes.

“You’re grandmother’s, we know,” Noah interrupted. “You told us back then, remember? And got so distraught, you couldn’t calm down your hair for two days and missed classes!”

“You helped me look for it! So when Eli found it under a fancy rug a week later-! You planted it! That wasn’t trivial!” Smoke began to rise from his glowing locks.

“Bad example,” Noah conceded. “But we didn’t- and don’t -know who stole the gryphon egg or the Book of Serpent King or the starfield sapphires or… well, you get it.”

Yonah sighed and ran his hand through his hair to calm it down before bringing the rest of breakfast to the table. 

“What did she say in her report?” Yonah asked, changing the subject to gossip, everyone’s favorite.

Noah and Noam didn’t understand for a second.

“Jack,” Yonah clarified. “The pro before you were sent. What did she say?”

More of the tension drained, as they were eager to answer. “Well, it was lacking details,” Noam began, “but we could tell the target had been you. Evil half-giant wizard in a tower. She said you employed a unique form of torture that she had to use her teleport stone to escape.”

“HA!” Yonah laughed. “Well, can’t say I blame her. Wasting the teleport stone on me would have been embarrassing.” He winked at Noam to remind her she made the same exact mistake. “I am a bit surprised she did not mention getting eaten.” He considered this a moment, then smiled. “But not surprised she left out everything else.”

The twins looked at his stupid grin with concern. “Uh- there was more?”

Yonah sighed wistfully. “I really shouldn't gossip, especially about myself. And it might get Jack in trouble. Not that I care for Jack, but we parted on more than amicable terms. “

Noam looked at him with narrowed eyes. “What do you mean ‘amicable terms’? You ate her!”

“Yes, I did,” Yonah said with a rather interesting, new kind of guilty smile. His cheeks were flushing red.

That took a full minute for the twins to process until Noah burst out with . 

“WAIT, YOU TWO GOINKED?!”

“Jack… of all thieves… sleeping with a giant… I don't believe it.” Noam was staring at her pancakes as if they would start talking and bring evidence to the contrary. No such luck, as Yonah felt the urge to add: “Oh, I was certainly not the first giant-”

“Stop talking! I don't want to hear anymore!” Noam protested, and Yonah resisted being evil. 

“Well, you’re welcome for that hot gossip,” Yonah said, taking another bite of his pancakes as he thought of how to change the subject yet again. He hit upon what he thought was a brilliant notion.

“Does your guild master know what you were hired to steal?” 

That question stunned them both for a moment. It was unexpected and they had to think about it. 

“No… I don't believe so. They only know it's a powerful magic item.”

“Well, I can't give you the emerald,” Yonah said and they nodded with acceptance. “But I think I do have a suitable ‘powerful magic item’ for you to bring back.”

And he explained his plan…

----

“A little later than I thought you two would be back, but a job well done, I must say!” The grand master held the packaged item. “Shady has your pay. You are dismissed.”

They both nodded and walked away. Slowly. This was the riskiest part of the scheme. Oh, they were sure it would work but they wanted to be able to confirm it. 

A second before they shut the door, they heard it. The loud, angry croak that sounded a bit like their names, though which name it was not at all clear. And they laughed as they took their money.

They would have to tell Yonah that the book’s curse indeed turned the reader into a giant frog. 

----

[THANKS FOR READING! PLEASE REBLOG AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK]

[badlydrawnjake]

Say some of your trademark phrases! so I can steal them

GT: BOBS YOUR UNCLE!! HOLY TOLEDO!! OLLY-OLLY OXEN FREE!! BY GUM!! SHUCKY DARN!! SOCK IT TO ME!! SCOUTS HONOR!!

[awfullordhenry]

Special Treaneat

Scout just destroyed the BLU base, and some of his teammates climbed up on Scout as a reward as well as a celebration. Spy was dragged into doing it

[shadow211e]

GT: 777

You hated getting yelled at by your coach, by your teammates and by your parents. You were getting frustrated playing because you never felt like you were getting any better and most of the time the team seemed to be satisfied losing. One day warming up before the game, a man approached you, he was in a nice, tailored suit and he might have been a scout. He came over to you and offered you a chance to be in charge and to win. You didn't believe it; you couldn't imagine what he could do.

You accepted without knowing the extent of his gifts. You went from the star on the losing boys' soccer team, into the star on the winning girls team. Not only that but your body, you had instantly become the hottest girl in the school, boys lusted after you, men wanted you and with a simple smile you could control anyone you desired. When scouts came to see you, you smiled at them, and they fell for your charms instantly. Soon you would be going to the best colleges and able to control so many more influential men. Life was good.

[punish-the-guilty]

Frank has a multitude of cars that he stashes around the city- each of them either stolen from his past targets or bought with the money he takes from them afterwards.

Because they're all meant to be disposable should the police ever start tracking a report of the vehicle he's driving he has very little attachment to any of them and values function well over form. As such most of his cars will have the interiors torn out- sometimes resold to cover future costs- and slabs of steel plates inserted into the doors for protection. A typical upgrade he gives them are bulletproof panels made to slide down over the windows and a forward-facing camera so he can still drive with the windshield covered.

He might use simple everyday cars for location scouting and casing certain areas- in fact it actually helps a lot to have multiple different cars so targets can avoid spotting him. But when he's out on a mission he'll tend to favor pony cars for city locations where he needs high speed and good handling or muscle cars for out in more isolated areas with long stretches of road.

While he tries to avoid repetition so he can't be picked out beforehand, Frank does generally favor the Mustang GT.

[kimi-co]

everyone be thinking marco knew toto way back and got kimi into the academy through his connections due to that photo of baby kimi wearing gigantic headphones and an oversized merc tshirt next to toto

when in fact it was kimi who got snatched (scouted) by the minardis from the rosberg karting and toto only then met marco thru him. gwen hinting at parents who were in the motosports business being annoying because they thought they knew everything, as if merc program doesn't deliberately want kids they could take full custody of and mold into any shape. toto later got kimi to tutor his son on karting and babysit himself too because toto sought advice from kimi when he was abt to drive marco's gt but still ended up driving it into the wall. the many collaborations that happened because of kimi, like the akm kart with dino and his dad's gt team running merc amg gt3 cars

[duhragonball]

Dragon Ball GT 45

✨GT Stands for Generating Trichomania✨

✨Positivity Page✨

This Super 17 Saga sucks, so I’ve decided to give myself a side-challenge of giffing every single time he sweeps back his long, silky hair, like Kevin Nash used to do.  This episode has two such hair-sweeps, so I almost missed one.  But I got them both, plus the one from Episode 44, so we’re all caught up.  Don’t worry, I’ll be making a gallery post soon.

Also, we see the oni who run Hell taking Cell and Frieza away in a cage.  Wait, they’re already in Hell, so where are they taking them to? Mostly, I like this shot because I’m pretty sure this is the last time my favorite character (Cell) will appear in this shitty, shitty show.  Also, I like how Frieza is shoulder-to-shoulder with Cell, so there’s no way his feet can touch the floor.  Cell’s basically wearing him like a backpack. 

All right, let’s get down to business.  Piccolo died in Episode 40, and Goku got trapped in Hell in Episode 42, and then Piccolo tricked King Yama into sending him to Hell in Episode 44, all so he could carry out some idea to get Goku back to Earth.  Ideas?  I know just the place to talk about this!

✨”Good” “Ideas”, Poorly Executed✨

Okay, so this is the stupidest shit...

So this all started when Dr. Gero and Dr. Mu teamed up to build an exact duplicate of Android 17, and then they somehow linked the minds of both 17′s and used them to send energy at each other, which somehow opened up a rift between Hell and Earth.  It makes no sense because they literally refused to explain any of it. One minute the doctors were shaking hands, and then the title card, and then they show them toasting their newly created Hell portal. 

Somehow, Piccolo knows exactly how they did this, even though he wasn’t there.  He was in Heaven the whole time, which sounds about as far removed from Hell as you can get.  Like, people write poetry about how far apart these two things are from each other.  Meanwhile, King Kai and King Yemma, who are literal gods responsible for keeping an eye on this sort of thing, they had no idea how the portal opened in the first place, but Piccolo has the whole thing scouted.

Piccolo’s plan, then, is to just do what the 17′s did in Episode 41, so he telepathically contacts Dende to assist him from the other side.  They send “concentration” at each other, and this is supposed to re-open the portal.  But they have to time it just right, and that seems to be the only real problem they have with it. 

So Goku suggests they use the same chant that he and Pan used to defeat Luud back in Episode 14.  Piccolo is furious about having to use such a stupid chant, but it works.  I’m more furious that they flat-out admitted that this whole portal-to-Hell business was swiped from an earlier episode, and one of the shittiest episodes, at that.  

Also annoying: Just like Episode 14, it takes for-flippin’-ever to get the portal open, because they keep trying and trying and trying until finally Goku suggests the thing that works.  Above all else, GT’s primary mission is to waste time.

Goku wants Piccolo to come with him, but Piccolo can’t move, or the portal will collapse.  This means Piccolo will be trapped in Hell forever, but he says he knew what he was getting into when he came up with this plan.  Goku thanks him, and dives through the portal.  As Piccolo watches it close, the bad guys start to return, and Piccolo decides he can spend his time whoopin’ all the bad guys’ asses. 

Okay, three things that make me livid about this.

1) Piccolo is now not only dead, but he’s stuck in hell?   This is bullshit.

2) Piccolo clobbering dead villains sounds a lot more appealing than whatever Goku does next to round out this series.  If they took it seriously, GT Piccolo vs. GT Cell could actually be a cool fight, so let’s just see that instead.

3) NONE OF THIS WAS NECESSARY!  GOKU COULD HAVE TURNED SUPER SAIYAN 4 AND TELEPORTED OUT OF HELL WHENEVER HE WANTED!

Oh, also, when the re-killed villains return to Hell, they go through the same process as the first time they died, so King Yemma has to stamp new papers to send them back to Hell.  I bring this up because when Piccolo asked to be sent to Hell to help Goku, Yemma refused, saying that once he stamps your paper you can’t change your afterlife assignment, no matter what. 

My point here is that it sounds like if Piccolo had jumped through the portal and returned to Earth, he could have gone through the line again and gotten a new paper stamped, allowing him to return to heaven.  But none of this matters, because Goku can teleport anywhere he wants.  He should have just used Instant Transmission to meet Piccolo in Heaven, and they could have done Piccolo’s portal thingy there instead.  Or Goku could have just teleported directly to Earth, because HE ALWAYS HAD THAT OPTION!

Oh, and why do the dead people in GT lose their halos when they’re in hell?  They get to have halos everywhere else, but in DBZ, every dead person had a halo, no matter where they were.  What’s the deal?  Did they forget about this?  Did they change it for some reason? 

Sigh....

Let’s move on.

✨Is this episode worse than “The Roaming Lake”?✨

Yes, it is.  GT has lost forty-six straight matches with the worst Dragon Ball/Dragon Ball Z episode ever made.  That’s 45 episodes of GT, and the TV Special, by the way. 

So, when I came up with this idea, my thought was that a lot of GT would fail to clear this bar, but once I got to the episodes with some fighting, things would improve.  I just assumed that an action-heavy episode of GT could overcome all the shitty writing and annoying side-characters.

But so far, that hasn’t panned out, and I think this Super 17 fight provides a good illustration of the problem.  Let me pick out two examples.

First, we have this shot of 17 landing a heavy punch on Trunks’ abdomen. 

Now, the still image doesn’t look too bad.  We’ve even got the thing where it looks like 17′s arm is pushing all the way through Trunks’ body, a classic trope from the glory days of DBZ.  Hell, it wouldn’t surprise me if they used this because it was a callback to the 17 vs. Piccolo fight in Z. 

Well, here’s the gif version of this shot.

It just doesn’t work at all.  The whole point of those “my arm went through your tummy” spots is that they’re very fast.  So fast that by the time you realize that it doesn’t make any sense, the action has already shifted to something else.  And that’s sort of what happens here.  The next cut is a closeup on Trunks coughing up spittle as he reacts to the blow, and then 17 rises up behind him.  That part’s kind of in slow motion, and then it cuts to a wide shot of 17 following up with a kick.  I think that’s in slow motion too.

I say “think”, because this whole sequence is very slow, and some parts of the sequence are probably supposed to be slowed down for dramatic effect, but I’m positive that this tummy punch wasn’t supposed to be one of them.  I’m not an animation expert or anything.  I’m just a guy who watches a lot of Dragon Ball Z.

The point I’m getting at here is that this fight sucks.  The story is that 17 is too strong and too fast, and Trunks can’t even touch him.  17′s punches are so hard and quick that there’s just nothing Trunks can do.  That’s the script, but the animation tells a completely different story, one where 17′s punch isn’t hard or quick.  It looks like he’s gently pressing his arm into Trunks, and Trunks is holding perfectly still as 17′s arm passes through him.  Also, the “camera” shakes around. 

There’s just no impact to any of this.  It’s so plodding and slow, and when the characters hit each other, there’s no flashes or other effects to make it feel more authentic.  And this happens all the time in GT.  There’s a handful of episodes where the animators seem to be on their game, but those episodes are always dragged down by the shitty storytelling.  But most of the time, the show is like this, where all the fighters look like they’re moving underwater.

 Okay, next example: Uub tries to jump back into this thing, and 17 removes his left forearm and reveals a machine gun.  It’s kind of like Dr. Cochin shooting Krillin in DBZ Movie 2. 

Except Uub doesn’t dodge the bullets.  He just lays there and covers up his head. 

Super 17 shoots him for a while, and then Uub sort of lays there like “Ohhh, those bullets hurt me so much, you guys!  Now I can’t do anything!”  He’s not dead or anything, he’s just worn out.

And this is the big problem with every fight in this series.  The idea here is to show off all the characters’ powers, and demonstrate which ones are stronger than the others.  In this case Super 17 is outclassing everyone.  The others are no match for him, even when they work together.  And yet, scenes like this completely muddy the waters.  Who is strong in this scene?  Who is weak?

I mean, 17 seems strong because he shut down Uub so easily, but think about it.  If he’s that much stronger than Uub, why didn’t his bullets kill him?  And if the bullets can’t kill Uub, why is he using them?  Why doesn’t he just run over and cut his head off or something?

You could argue that this is being done to show how strong Uub is, but I don’t buy it.  If he’s strong enough that the bullets can’t hurt him, then why is he just lying there, letting them hit him?  Shouldn’t he at least roll out of the way, and try to find some cover?

I want to stress here that this has nothing to do with power scaling.  I’m not bringing this up to talk about whether DBZ characters are bulletproof, or make up some fanlore about how Dr. Mu made special Machine Mutant ammo for 17′s gun arms.  That’s irrelevant.  All that matters is that 17 is supposed to be dominating this battle, and yet we see him using attacks that don’t actually hurt anyone, at all.  He hit Trunks and Uub with TWO Flash Bombers before this.  I think Flash Bomber is Super 17′s finisher, but they took two of those last episode, and they’re still putting up a fight in this one.  And Super 17′s like “Let me finish the job with a really slow punch and some non-lethal bullets!”

Then Vegeta tries to rally, and from here on, it’s basically Vegeta vs. Super 17, which would make sense except 17 already beat him down in the last episode.  Somehow Vegeta lasts longer this time, even though he’s still using his Super Saiyan form, which did him no good earlier.

So while that’s going on, Pan gets fed up and takes matters into her own hands.  She sneaks up on Dr. Gero and puts him in a hammerlock AND a choke hold at the same time, then has Giru hold a gun to his head.  She threatens to kill him unless he orders Super 17 to stand down, and Gero... agrees?   Shouldn’t Gero be a lot stronger than this?  No, wait!  Shouldn’t he be using the receptacles on his hands to steal Pan’s energy?  He could just launch himself into the air, faster than Giru could follow, and drain Pan before she knows what’s happened. 

I mean, what was the point of turning himself into an android if he can’t do things like that? 

Anyway, he orders 17 to halt his attack on Vegeta, but then 17 aims at Gero instead.  Gero is shocked, and then he’s shocked again when Dr. Mu reveals that he reprogrammed 17 to follow Mu’s orders alone.  Apparently, every time 17 seemed to obey Gero, Mu was transmitting the same orders to him.

So 17 betrays Gero again, and Mu gloats that there’s no one left to stop him, now that Goku is trapped in hell.  That offends Vegeta, who gets up and turns Super Saiyan one more time, insisting that he can win this fight without Goku’s help.  Normally, this would be the part where Vegeta gets clobbered for a while, but instead Goku shows up almost immediately, and tackles Vegeta before he can eat another blast from 17.  Why?  Was this the blast from 17 that was actually going to kill someone?

So Goku’s finally here to take on Super 17.  All he has to do is turn Super Saiyan 4 and even the playing field, but no.  No, he won’t do that.  Instead he turns Super Saiyan 1, and starts fighting 17 that way. 

Motherf--! 

Vegeta was already doing that this whole time, and it didn’t work!  At all!  Just turn into a Super Saiyan 4!  What the hell is wrong with you, Goku?!

✨The Blade Braxton Memorial Haiku*✨

Piccolo’s in hell.

Can it get worse? Ask his new

Roomate: Castiel.

[sburbian-sage]

Any tips and/or tricks for taking down a god tier Ward of Flow? The clouds showed me a vision of him seemingly doing his very best to kill me (Scout of Breath, not GT yet but I had the jammies in the vision). I’m hoping it was just a very intense sparring session or something but like… I’m not betting my life on sburb being nicer than anticipated.

Most specifically, is it true that Flow players are immune to heat-based damage? Like, the vision had us RIGHT next to the Forge, and I'm not sure whether to consider chucking him in there a non-lethal option or an everything's-gone-to-shit option.

I think Flow Players are immune to their own heat-based abilities, but not fire in general. Then again, Doom players can drink poison and come out fine, and there was that one Sand player report I got (but he might have just been built different). In any case, I think lava hurts, and you might want to live by the ancient words of wisdom, "don't throw anything into a volcano that you aren't willing to destroy".

As far as the combat capabilities of a Ward of Flow, obviously expect Fire. Your Breath abilities should be equal to his in terms of destructive capability, and you might have the edge in terms of elemental rock-paper-scissors "wind extinguishes fire". Not to imply that SBURB actually has an element system, just that magic wind will probably beat magic fire unless you do something stupid and fan the flames. His being a Ward is a huge advantage, seeing as how his Aspect more or less is going to try and directly protect him, and because Inheritors generally have success handed to them. At the same time, as a Breath Player but especially as a Scout, your movement abilities are unparalleled. The prophecy seems to indicate that you're going to take a bit of a beating, but escaping with your life is entirely possible. Basically, prioritize speed and magic over physical offense/defense and you might be able to wing this one. In addition to such other gems as "alchemize better equipment and gadgets" and "have more people on your side".

We should never forget the most simple advice, which is "consider maybe talking about this". Prophecies are prophecies, but the "why" is just as important as the "what". If he genuinely is planning on killing you, then he probably won't immediately try (or at least can't succeed) until the confrontation on the Forge. If he doesn't, and you voice your concern, then maybe it will indeed just be a rough sparring session, and you get your ass kicked but survive (the good ending). Maybe it's something more stupid, like you have a fashionista player who makes replica versions of your god hoodies before you actually god tier, and you undergo an Apocryphal Antithesis so now your evil dreamself wearing a disguise tries to kill the Ward of Flow, and it's a good thing if the guy-that-looks-like-you gets killed or beaten. You can laugh at that last bit, but shit stupider than that has happened before. You can't break a prophecy, but it sure as hell can be bent into looking like some wacky out-of-context stuff. If you've seen JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, you'll understand.