#[ Kaoru's emotions just fucking crushing me right now. ]

[selflesstwin]

"Alright, stand there. Don't look, I mean it!" Mammon shifted around to make sure they weren't peeking through their fingers, a small nod of approval going unseen by the human. "I had t'pull a couple strings, but after ya gave me my gift, I fiugured this might make ya feel a little more comfortable."

He touched at their wrists and pulled their hands from their face, allowing Kaoru to see where the demon had taken them. After a meandering, ten minute drive he had squirreled them away through a narrow alleyway and into the back door of a studio he had earned the keys to — not stolen, not won, but politely asked for. Because as keen as he was to pick pockets and make risky bets, he cared more for giving Kaoru a legitimate present than a dirty, ill-gotten one.

"We got all day t'morrow t'use this studio. They said ya could use whatever fabric ya wanted, however much ya wanted, so long as ya put your heart int'a it. But I didn't wanna wait 'til mornin' t'show ya, so I thought I'd bring ya here now." With a shrug, he shoved his hands into his pockets. He wanted them to like the gift, but he was prepared to throw up his walls if it wasn't as thoughtful and impressive as he'd thought it would be. "Merry Christmas."

Christmas Vibes 2021! | @xamassed

       “ Y’know, I was really hoping you’d let me drive here. No hovering, no threatening to throw me in the backseat. But, I should have known better. That would be a Christmas miracle, ” said the atheist. Anyways, don’t mind them babbling away because they’re nervous. Kaoru didn’t know what was in store and being instructed to close their eyes and wait patiently... Well, it was torture for them. So, they rambled on like an idiot until the other finally spoke again. “ I’m not looking! ” The exchange student pouted and turned on their listening ears again. The mention of the gift that they had given him made them grimace ( please, they were trying to forget it ) but they immediately dropped it when they felt fingers on them. 

       When amber eyes scanned the area, their mouth fell slightly. Kaoru was doing their best to listen but some words were missed ( sorry ). “ Mammon... ” A few steps were taken so they could approach the different materials in the studio, hands lightly touching the fabrics. Ideas flooded into their head, designs that they had drawn since they arrived in the Devildom. They could finally make the outfits that they dreamed of. Nothing for them, of course. The designer hardly made anything for themself but every single outfit they designed for all their new friends and for Mammon. The realization that they had a sketchbook with multiple designs for their special demon flustered them. He would never find out about that. But, they would do their best to create as many outfits as they could from that specific sketchbook. 

       “ I figured this would be the day that you finally kill me for accidentally setting a fire in your room and trying to steal your car. Yeah, I set the fire, not Levi. Oops. ” Their back remained turned to him, unable to look at him since they were crying. It was the reason they were being stupid on purpose. They knew that he wouldn’t laugh at them or poke fun but they were feeling too shy. So, they made jokes. If only he knew what the gift meant to them. It made them feel at home and they hadn’t quite felt that since they arrived in the Devildom. Hands wiped away any lingering tears and when they felt okay enough to face him, they walked over to him, head down ( still embarrassed about crying ). 

       Arms wrapped around him, face being buried in his chest, they were silent for once. When they finally had the confidence to speak again, they pulled away but reached for his hands. “ I’m going to make you a better Christmas present! I’m assuming that you have to stay here and babysit me so... You’ll be my model for everything, alright? ” After letting him go, they rested one hand on the back of the other’s neck and pulled him down so Kaoru’s lips could meet his. The gift deserved a kiss, one that said thank you but also revealed their feelings for him ( well, most of their feelings ). And when they finally parted, they took his hand again. “ I don’t know where to start. Oh! Wait! Mammon! I left my sketchbooks back at the house! ”

[boimgfrog]

THE LONG AWAITED MATCHABLOSSOM LONG FIC REC LIST:

Kaoru pining momence:

Long-Lasting Husband Material

15k words

Summary: A fact about Kojiro Nanjo and his soft, big heart; he was in love with his best friend. And he was an adult, so admitting that was so much more embarrassing than it should be.

It didn’t help that he had been feeling this way for fifteen whole years.

-

Kaoru had to double-check his brain. Yup, he definitely put the words ‘Kojiro’ and ‘Husband’ together in a sentence. His brain put the words together and they fit. The words fit better than any puzzle Kaoru had ever solved. What.

-

Or, the one where Joe is the perfect husband material and Cherry only realizes that after getting smacked in the head with a longboard.

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences

---

Cherry realizes he's been pining for years and then can't stop realizing it. When I tell you this fic made me so fucking happy- I'm a big fan of hurt/comfort but this fic is just comfort. The ending will make you feel so held.

the brightest shade of sun

Summary: Kojiro's looking at him in that funny way again, exasperated but fond. "Nah," he says, easily. "I just saw you."

12k words

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences

---

summary's vague as hell but!! Kojiro and Kaoru move in together, and Kaoru realizes. hm. maybe he's a bit dependent on his friend. and hm. maybe he's also a little bit in love too. Honestly, the little moments and details between them really make this fic 10/10. just. gosh it's so good.

Kojiro pining momence:

The inevitability of falling in love

Summary: There are things that are inevitable in life, for Nanjo Kojiro it's that he will fall in love with Kaoru.

Or,

Kojiro falls in love with Kaoru and then just keeps falling in love

14k words

Rating: Mature

---

Joe falling in love with Cherry and then just. pines for years. fuck I love him. there are so many good scenes in this one, a couple that made me genuinely tear up, 10/10

falling for you

Summary: You know what they say: the best way to figure out that you’re in love with your best friend is to watch them fall in love with someone else.

(Alternatively: Kaoru’s got a crush, Kojiro’s got a crush, and it all goes wrong before it goes right.)

11k words

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences

---

teen Kojiro my beloved,, gosh this one is just really sweet.

An Ordinary Pain

Summary: Kojiro and Kaoru have had a lot of injuries and hurts over the years, but they always manage to take care of each other.

(or, h/c throughout the ages)

18k words

Rating: Explicit

---

The true beauty of this fic lies in the subtleties in their interactions, the way the author described everything was just,, just so perfect.

Fics where Kojiro helps Kaoru move on/heal after Adam (tw for abusive relationships in all of them):

Hey Street Boy, Want Some Style?

- or-

Summary: Kaoru learned to skate to get away from the police.

Kojiro learned to skate to make sure Kaoru actually did.

from high school to present day, Kojiro and Kaoru grow up, mess up, and eventually figure their shit out

38k words

Rating: Explicit

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DEAR GOD. This one is just so beautifully written??? like holy fucking shit. I read it in an afternoon and spent the rest of the night thinking about it.

Divinity

Summary: “I don’t need anyone,” Kaoru whispers. He’s always been good at making bad decisions when it comes to Kojiro; this is another in a long line of failures and he’s not willing to admit yet that maybe Adam fucked him up past the point of no return. “It’s fine,” he mumbles when he hears Kojiro shifting. He’s too afraid to watch him walk away. “You can just go.”

And instead of leaving, Kojiro shuffles forward and hugs him. Kaoru is surrounded by impossibly gentle arms and the scent of pine, and though he’s used to the latter, he hasn’t been touched like this in a long, long time. “I’m not going to go,” Kojiro says softly. His face is buried in Kaoru’s shoulder, lips warm where they brush across his skin. “I’d say sorry, but I’m not, Kaoru. I don’t want to.”

11k words

Rating: Explicit

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this is another really good one, more smut focused than the first one, but like,, in a therapy way?? idk how to explain it but. fuck. yes.

C.E.E

Summary: After spending years in an abusive relationship, Cherry takes it upon himself to engage in what he describes as "corrective emotional experiences". When his safety is threatened during a hook up, he finds himself accepting Joe's offer of:

"Use me. Whatever you need to do, do it with me."

Can Cherry navigate the complicated dark feelings that have lingered for years while juggling (denied) feelings for Joe?

25k words

Rating: Explicit

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When I tell you I am obsessed. phew, okay, just the way the author writes Cherry?? The way the author writes Joe???? I swear nobody understands these characters better. like. fucking hell I simply cannot sing this fic's praises enough.

The 900

Summary: “You haven’t skated since your beef with Adam, have you?” Kojirou says, and Kaoru feels that brick fly right through his glass house.

10k words

Rating: Explicit

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This one is just *chefs kiss*. The dialogue is what really made it stand out to me, it's so in-character and realistic and I want to kiss the author on the mouth for it.

Misc:

Cookin’ like a chef (i’m a five star Michelin)

Summary: Kaoru was going to punch Kojiro if he didn’t stop laughing.

“I know what a bento is,” he hissed through gritted teeth. “I would like to know WHY there is a bento on my desk.”

A secret admirer starts to leave bento boxes on Kaoru’s desk in his senior year. He says he hates it, but after a while, it grows to be something he looks forward to every morning.

17k words

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences

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Kaoru's POV in this is just. I mean it's everything to me, quite literally. The ending really got me, honestly, this whole fic is just lovely.

i've got these habits that i cannot break

Summary: miya puts on his most pitiful face and tucks himself into joe’s side. “my dads are getting divorced,” he says, trying to sound like the very subject of conversation puts him close to tears. he feels joe’s chest constrict, like he’s trying to hold in a reaction, and miya digs one of his nails into his friend's side. if joe laughs now, not only will miya commit homicide, but the victim will be one specific head chef.joe’s chest relaxes and he says, in the same sad tone as miya, “he was cheating on me with the head chef at his restaurant."

14k words

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences

---

This one had me dying- Miya playing matchmaker by forcing Joe and Cherry to be his fake dads. yes I know, I know, they'd be awful dads. I don't care, this fic is my favorite fucking thing.

[starglossie]

UNEXPECTED DELIVERY 

summary: in which kaoru writes a letter addressed to no one in particular and kojiro happens to pick it up.

read on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30101880

read under here

Kojiro found Kaoru sitting at his desk, hunched over in what looked to be in incredible concentration. He cocked an eyebrow, lips curling at the end in amusement as he sauntered over to Kaoru.

“Screws for brains, whatcha working on so intently over there?” he leaned forward in anticipation. Kaoru was probably scribbling up some new technological invention. Kojiro expected to see numbers and equations and scratches and eraser marks all over a sheet of paper. A language that made no sense to him quite frankly but Kaoru could speak with ease.

Kaoru shot up like a rocket. Kojiro blinked, seeing Kaoru’s face so red and his eyes so wide was… weird. He glanced down to take a look at the sheet but Kaoru’s hands immediately smacked down onto the table. Covering the sheet of paper with his palms. 

Okay… weird. 

“Now you know there’s no secrets between us,” Kojiro joked, inching closer to get a better look at what was on the paper. Call him curiosity and kill him for it later. 

“You’re annoying, quit it!” Kaoru ripped the paper away but Kojiro was able to see at least one, crucial phrase that made all the dots connect at once.

Dear, 

Kojiro’s grin sharpened at the edges, “No way? A love letter?” he laughed despite the furious red that was coloring Kaoru’s face. And the imminent beating he knew was coming once Kaoru stopped being flustered enough to turn that energy into annoyance. “To who? Who are you crushing on?”

“It’s none of your business, seaweed head.” Kaoru got up from his desk and grabbed his bag in a huff, storming towards the door with the paper crumpled up in his hand. On his way to the door, he kicked Kojiro in the back of his leg. Deserved , but painful. He slammed it into the trashcan before he left. His tirades and curses echoing in resonance down the hallway.

“Fuck, that hurts. Kaoru that was unnecessary ,” Kojiro rubbed at his aching leg, stumbling slightly to the door. 

He should have kept walking.

Followed after Kaoru. If he jogged he’d catch up to him because his legs were longer and a Kaoru walking on rage tired out quickly in about 10 minutes. 

He should have left the letter alone.

But his eyes dropped to the letter in the trash can. It rested on top of the other sheets of paper like they were its throne and it was their sovereign. It stared at Kojiro. Kojiro stared back. 

Take me , it whispered. Seductively and sweetly into Kojiro’s ear. 

And Kojiro, well, he was always a sucker for some sweet seduction.

Despite his better judgment, he reached for the letter and slipped it into his pocket. 

“Kojiro, where are you? We’re gonna be late!” Kaoru’s voice carried through the halls.

Kojiro jogged out of the classroom and found Kaoru standing at the top of the steps. Bag over his shoulder and board tucked under his arm. 

“Sorry! Had to wait for the pain of your kick to leave because that hurt like a bitch ,” Kojiro lied.

Kaoru rolled his eyes and descended down the steps two at a time, “It builds character. You're welcome.”

“Character,” Kojiro barked, “yeah okay.” he followed Kaoru down the steps. The letter burning in his pocket the entire time. 

  -

  Kojiro sat at his desk, staring at the letter. 

Now that he had the letter, he’s not quite sure why he took it. It was a clear invasion of privacy. And if-or really, when, because knowing Kojiro’s luck it was only a matter of time before Kaoru realized or found out-Kaoru discovered he had the letter, he’d beat Kojiro within an inch of his life for taking it. 

But, he pressed his index finger along the corner of the folded up letter addressed to no one at all, he was curious. 

Kaoru told him everything. They bickered and bantered and fought more times than they conversed, but Kaoru was his best friend. Period. Kojiro told Kaoru everything. 

So why hadn’t Kaoru told him about this? 

“Who could he be in love with?” Kojiro muttered. 

There’s a twinge of something green and ugly that festered underneath his skin. That took root and shape and pointed poison apple seeds in the garden of his mind. 

He had to know. Or well, he wanted to know. But adding a sense of urgency to the desire made it seem all the more valid and all the less a horrible idea. 

He opened the letter. Pressed it flat so the crinkles would come out, and read the letter. 

His first thought when reading the letter is that Kaoru had really neat handwriting. 

His second thought was jeez, Kaoru had it bad for whoever the letter was for. 

The letter talked about rushes and adrenaline-the quickening of heartbeats. The realization that the sun was gonna rise and he’d get to be with them again. And what that meant. And how realizing what that meant, how putting the variables into the equation and coming to the answer at the other end of the equal sign (Kojiro snorted at that. Kaoru was such a nerd) made it clear as day that what he felt was more than just affection. Deeper than admiration. Bigger than friendship. 

More akin to love, but not really there just yet. But the chemical reaction (Kaoru’s words, not Kojiro’s) was there and brewing. Only a matter of time for the catalyst to cause the reaction to completely overflow into something entirely new. Maybe dangerous. But nevertheless exciting. 

He read the letter three times. He could close his eyes and recite the letter word for word. And every time he read it he thought: who was Kaoru thinking of when he scrawled poetry onto paper? 

Kojiro leaned back in his chair, the paper left on the desk. His cheeks felt hot. He rubbed at them in circles, frowning. “Kojiro you are a lot of things… but reading personal love notes?” he sighed. He grabbed the pencil he was supposed to be using for homework and rested it on top of his lips, pursing it so it could wobble and stay there while he considered this startling new development. 

Kaoru was in love with someone. Or falling in love with them, anyways. 

And then he thought, ridiculously by the way. It was a ridiculous thought to consider. A thought that made heat rise on the back of his neck. A thought that got his pulse quickening. Again, remember, it’s a ridiculous thought. 

It was simple. It was innocuous. 

He considered it so briefly because to give it any more light of day would be damning. 

But what… if the letter was for him?

What if Kaoru was writing to him?

“Nanjo Kojiro… you stupid bastard,” he muttered. He got out of his chair and paced around the room. He shot a quick glance at his bed where his phone laid plugged up to a charger. He almost wanted to call Kaoru and ask. Ask him who the letter was for. Ask him why he didn’t address it to anyone specifically. Ask him if he intended to give the letter to the person he wrote it for. 

But then he’d die. So self preservation won out. 

He dropped back into his chair, his entire body feeling heavy. His textbooks stared at him, opened but untouched. Not a single assignment had been even remotely attempted since he got home. 

The letter he had read and memorized stared back at him almost mockingly. As if it were saying, “You’re a fool. To care so much about something that has nothing to do with you.”

For a split second, he thought about setting it on fire. 

“Just throw it out, Kojiro.” this was the fifteenth time he said that. He had not gotten up to throw it out fifteen times now. 

He tapped his pencil against the desk several times. His foot tapping in tempo. Then, he reached for his notebook and ripped out a page. He clicked his pencil several times and laid out Kaoru’s crumpled up letter beside it.

He decided that, instead of setting the paper on fire. He’d simply set on fire these weird mixture of emotions welling up in his chest. And the best way to do that was, in his mind, writing out a response to Kaoru’s letter.

If Kaoru didn’t have a recipient, he’d become the recipient. 

He started and stopped writing three times until he finally got into the groove. 

Dear Kaoru, 

I probably shouldn't have read your letter. But I did. My bad. It's weird. I’ve seen your handwriting a thousand times but this is the first time i've ever thought of it as beautiful. 

Maybe it's because you're conveying love, and not taking down notes for math class. I also realized, I've never seen you in love before. not that i thought you weren't capable. It's just. 

I know you love math. You love putting in numbers and seeing the equation come out the way you knew it would over and over.

You love robots. Probably because you are one.You love physics. You love calculating velocity and speed (which I’m pretty sure are the same thing even if you say otherwise). 

But most of all, you love skating. 

I've never seen you more alive, more in love, then when you're on a board.

When you nail a trick and you get all giddy. Your voice gets louder and you have this excitement in your eyes. You keep doing the move over and over because you're so hyped you got it right.  And when you turn to look at me, and say "You saw that?" I can't help but think, maybe. Maybe, you get so excited because you wanna show me. That the look of excitement in your eyes isn't just because you got the trick right. But because you got the trick right and I was there to see it.

Also you’re really cheesy and soft, did you know that? Shakespeare would even cringe. Comparing this person to the feeling of the wind through your hair and the rush of adrenaline you get from doing a kickflip?  Really? 

Kaoru you got it bad.

Also, sorry to make this about me but. Why didn’t you tell me you’re crushing on someone?

I thought we told each other everything? Are you embarrassed? Ashamed? Afraid I’d judge you? Because I’d never do that. I’ve always liked you for all that you are. Everything you are.

Haha, is it me? 

Is that why you got scared when you saw me coming? Because then you’d have to confess to me or something shoujo like that? Haha no no. Couldn’t be. 

That’s just... my foolish hope. 

I guess.

Kojiro’s pen hovered in the air as if it were stopped by some iron wall that kept it from proceeding further. His entire face was warm. His palms were sweating. God, that was… how did Kaoru manage to write that without combusting in place? That was so… self reflective. And very intimate. Kojiro was normally a very self-attuned person but that level of awareness was… weird. To look at. To examine. To allow himself to let go and feel on the page. 

He almost felt a little silly. Responding to Kaoru’s letter like that. For what purpose? To pass the time? Just because?

He scratched at his chest. It ached a bit. He’s not too sure why, though. 

He never finished the letter because by that time Makoto, his oldest youngest brother, came up asking Kojiro when he’d start making dinner. 

“Sorry! I’m coming,” he got up from his desk and pushed the letter far into the back of his mind. 

“You’re doing homework?” Makoto side eyed him. “I’ve never seen you work so hard…”

“Punk,” Kojiro clucked his tongue, ruffling Makoto’s hair as he passed. “I’m the hardest working biggest brother ever .”

“Yeah okay,” Makoto didn’t seem convinced as they headed downstairs to start dinner. 

The letter was left behind on his table right beside Kaoru’s as he worked on dinner and helped his brothers with their homework. 

Forgotten, really, as the days went by. 

Until Kaoru found it. 

  -

  Kojiro honestly forgot he had the letter on his desk.

When he came back with two drinks for him and Kaoru, he found Kaoru standing at his desk holding onto two sheets of paper.

He spilled the drinks. 

“Oh shit,” he went to pick up his spilled glasses. He could feel Kaoru looking at him with heated golden eyes, with the letters in his hands. 

Kojiro fumbled to pick up the glasses. To wipe up his spill. Kaoru hadn’t said anything. And that just made the awkwardness and nervousness even heavier. Kojiro could feel his pulse beating loudly in his ears. His whole body on alert, ready for the other shoe to drop, until-

“Why do you have this?”

Kaoru’s quiet, low voice cut sharply. Made Kojiro flinch. 

Now that was a brilliant question. Why does he have the letter? Why hadn’t he thrown it away? Why hadn’t he done a better job at keeping it hidden?

Those were all questions he really couldn’t come up with an answer for. 

“Are you mad?” Kojiro asked instead. Still on the floor, dabbing his carpet with the paper towels he smartly brought with him on the tray with his glasses. 

He looked up at Kaoru. 

Suddenly, Kaoru was in his space. Gripping him up by his tie. Dragging him up to stand. His fingers trembled. 

Kojiro flinched. Breaching himself for the hit that never came.

When he opened his eyes, wincing, he found Kaoru’s face devoured by a blush. 

“You weren’t supposed to see this. Ever.” Kaoru whispered fiercely. 

Kojiro froze. He wasn’t really sure… how to take that. What that even meant. 

“I’m… sorry?” because his mind was filling in all the blanks. Creating every deadly inference those words could imply. “You can, uh throw them out. It was-I was stupid.”

“You are,” a pause. “But I won’t.”

“What?”

Kaoru tugged on his tie again. And Kojiro braced himself for a punch. 

But it never came. 

Not in the way he expected, at least. Instead he felt cold metal on his lips. A hesitant and bold touch of lips upon him. His eyes snapped open. And he’s shocked to find Kaoru kissing him instead of delivering a punch to his gut.

But maybe, this was the punch. 

He’s so shocked he didn’t respond in time. Kaoru pulled back. His face covered fully in a bright, red blush that reached all the way to the tip of his ears. He stepped back. And the distance between them was loud. He gripped the letters and moved to leave.

“I’m going-”

Kojiro’s body worked faster than his brain, thankfully.

He gripped Kaoru’s wrist, pulling him back. And then kissed him the way he should have the first time. No longer frozen, but melting. No longer hesitant, but with purpose. 

And Kaoru, stunned at first, didn’t stay that way for too long. Kissing Kojiro back with the same intensity. The same nervous, yet excited kisses. 

“Was the letter for me?” Kojiro asked, panting. He kissed Kaoru again shortly afterwards. Because he couldn’t stop. He wouldn’t. 

Kaoru fixed Kojiro with a glare after they parted. “I wouldn’t be kissing you if they weren’t. God, this is embarrassing. Why are you the nosiest person in the world?” Kaoru solidified his question with a swift kick to Kojiro’s kneecap. 

“Ow!” pain shot up Kojiro’s leg, but he laughed nevertheless. There was a rush that shot up his entire body. That electrified his veins. And even though his leg throbbed, he didn’t care as he brought Kaoru back for a kiss. Wrapping his arms around his waist as he did. Pulling him flush against his body. 

“Did you write others?” Kojiro asked.

Kaoru sputtered, his eyes widened. Kojiro’s grin curled to a devious angle. 

“Let me read the others?” Kojiro was shameless now.

Kaoru rolled his eyes and pushed Kojiro’s smirking face away from him, “Not on your life. I’m burning them all tonight.” 

“No don’t!” Kojiro laughed. “I wanna read them!”

“Fat chance!”

Kojiro, once he found them of course, had plans to read them all anyways.

[psi-psina]

Tour19 This Way to Self-Destruction Kanazawa & Fukuoka ♡

金沢市文化ホール

Kanazawa was a day of reunions and meetings with many precious people so it’s a day that will always stand out in my memory. Kanazawa Bunka Hall is a lovely venue but felt a little odd for a rock concert. Due to various circumstances I ended up with a front row seat in this hall, dead in front of Shinya and Die. I was extremely excited about it but it also felt quite odd, because the circumstances that led to me getting this ticket were really unfortunate. Anyway. 

The edge of the stage was barely over an arms length away and there was this hilarious little rope on the ground at our feet for the ‘barrier’. I think they only raised it during the encore? I was concerned I’d be going head first into the stage when headbanging, but thankfully it wasn’t a problem and I quickly realised we’d have to be far more careful of the photographers crawling around in front of us trying to get  their pics of the guys 😂 Thankfully they were very accomodating of our enthusiasm and we were no trouble to them 😂 I hope. Although I think during one song a guy may have got whipped by my hair. I’m sorry bro. So yes, DEAD IN FRONT of Shinya and Die…It was Bliss…I think this is probably the deepest engagement I’ve ever been able to have during a live because there were just no mitigating factors…the stage was right there and there was no one in front of me or crushing me or hindering me in any way. Unbelievable. The stage in Bunka Hall was pretty large and not just wide but quite deep. Kyo’s box was placed way further back than usual, like easily a good few steps between it and the stage edge.

I believe that both the SE and the SE footage used on this tour are the same as in TIW spring tour. There maaay be some variation in the footage but overall the impression is exactly the same. I was surprised by that because I had thought that this being such an extensive tour with a new single at the helm that they might develop the visuals a bit more, and mix things up a bit, but this tour is no different to TIW tour aesthetically speaking. It’s also a less varied setlist, which surprised me at first, but now makes complete sense due to the nature of The World of Mercy. 

絶縁体 谿壑の欲 Downfall Devote My Life Celebrate Empty Howls 人間を被る 赫 Merciless Cult Rubbish Heap 軽蔑と始まり Values of Madness Ranunculus The World of Mercy

EN. HYDRA -666- 鬼眼 Followers NEW AGE CULTURE 詩踏み

Seeing Zetsuentai up that close for the first time was incredibly moving, and then the transition right into Keigaku created this most hypnotic atmosphere. It was a really nice opening pair especially for a seated venue, it let the atmosphere really blossom before jumping into the more energetic songs. They started Downfall and I lost it, I think the only song I was looking forward to hearing again MORE from The Insulted World was Ningen. I cannot believe I was meh about Downfall until I experienced it live! On record, at first I thought it just sounded choppy and a bit generic, but live it just explodes with emotional intensity and I am absolutely crazy about the bridge. Major highlight was Die coming right up to the edge of the stage at literal arms-length away and just rocked out there for a moment while I threw down my SPINE. He was wearing these glittering wide-leg trousers that really caught my eye when he was right there…And his hair is magnificent 💞 And then IN DEVOTE Kaoru came over from shimote during the second verse and stood in the same place…right over me and Britti and, made his rock star face…pretty sure I lost control of my entire face and possibly shouted “TO DIE IN” right at him, RIP…I cannot fully remember but he was, enthused. Oh my god…I love him. So I have very little memory of Kyo from Downfall > Ningen due to the fabulous antics of Die and Kaoru, but Kyo’s wonderful dancing in Celebrate obviously always stands out. He does this irresistible jerky dance with his hips and arms and flops his head around during the main riff and like, it’s impossible to NOT move watching him do this. This song is so much FUN live.

Every time I hear those opening chords of Ningen I experience, like, a physical anticipation and pleasure that is pretty much unique to this song. No other song gives me a physical sensation like this one, I just find it really, really intensely emotional. And I know this song is sooommmewhat derivative and hardly like groudbreaking-ly original or anything like that and I DON’T. CARE. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Stanning 人間 till DEATH, bye. Also during the second interlude, after Ningen (I think) we were calling out for Shinya, which I do not do ENOUGH. I mean I was standing RIGHT in front of him, I had no excuse not to stan. Called for Kyo as well bc he was sitting on the drum stand like RIGHT THERE and I was like “oh fuck 🤡”

ALSO one important tidbit I don’t want to forget about, is a friend telling me she could see Die glancing at my hair all the time while I was headbanging 😂 the thought of this makes me feel all glowy

I have only the vaguest memory of Aka…I was thinking about it as I was looking at the setlist and trying to remember each song and I could barely conjure Aka at all. It just didn’t stand out especially tonight which is weird for me, because last spring it was paired with undecided. Played as a ‘pair’, those two songs created an unforgettable and incredibly distinct moment in the set each night…on this tour Aka is somewhat marooned, alone in the middle with all the really energetic songs. I do recall Kyo creating his loop out of the mic chord and dragging it around his neck during the guitar solo, and watching Die’s passion at various moments. And I do so so so love being called on to sing during this song…I love singing Aka so much, the melody is so smooth and melancholy and the words just flow off the tongue so beautifully…I love it

After Aka we smashed into Merciless Cult and I have a lot of trouble remembering anything from Merciless > Values with any cognisance. Kyo moved around a LOT during Rubbish Heap and Values and I think Die and Kaoru also did. Kyo was energetic and interactive during this part of the set and he was demanding MORE from the audience. I wish I had seen more of Toshiya tonight but I honestly barely saw him, he did not visit our side at all or move to the front much and a lot of the time Kyo obscured him from my line of vision. Bby! I was able to see Kaoru most of the time but I only turned to him at select times bc, guys. Die was RIGHT in front of me and I love him. As if I’m going to treat him so poorly?

Then it was time for Ranunculus & The World of Mercy. I have listened to The World of Mercy incessantly since it’s release, but for me, the effect of it’s ‘pairing’ with Ranunculus in this set, almost as a Part 2 of that song was just…after the experiences and emotions of Ranunculus on the previous two tours… in a way it was deeply heartbreaking.  Kyo was extremely emotional during Ranunculus today, but it felt different…I couldn’t put my finger on it until we talked about it afterwards, but it was rattling. I couldn’t tell if he was weeping, but he screamed, and tore at his clothing and thrashed his body around and then at the end of the song, he fell and bent into the foetal position. Delay was used on the mic as they transitioned out of Ranunculus into the soft open of Mercy. He began making these desperate, abstract sounds that immediately reminded me of his inward screams. Perhaps he was using words but to me it sounded like wordless pleading murmuring and gurgling and breath. I could clearly see his face on the floor while he was doing this and it was unpleasant to watch…it’s hard to describe at all. He sounded like he was crying, but I don’t know if there were tears. He sat up slowly, cradling the mic and then began laughing horribly. Letting out these hopeless forced cackles as he sat there looking crumpled, and that was how he vocalised the first lines of Mercy.

It was difficult to watch. I wanted to cry but also wanted to hide. I did not feel this horrible hopelessness in Mercy at the following 3 lives I attended, which is not to say that it wasn’t there, but perhaps was more poetic and contained, and less raw than it was tonight. The following 3 shows also had a far greater sense of intimacy and rapport between the band and the audience imho. When Mercy came to an end the hall was just engulfed in dead silence. The backdrop went black, and then glowed with DIR EN GREY + the tour title in bright red text. I almost completely burst into tears. The members all left quietly and applause broke out, and then the call for encore went up. I collapsed momentarily to drink some water but then had to stand back up bc lol if I’d stayed seated it would have all been OVER for me.

The encore was LIT, but it was a bit odd having Followers right in the middle of all the rowdy songs. Hydra 666 mates…mates UGGGHHHHH IT’S JUST SO FUCKIN LIT ugghhh the mask experience is insane and seeing Kyo projected on the backdrop like THAT…in THAT song. Epic iconic immortal ugh this influence this legacy. I almost FELL head first into the stage during Kigan, it was a CLOSE CALL. New Age was absolutely manic, Kyo was running everywhere and I’m pretty sure it was on his way back from kamite here that he gestured at us as he danced past hahaha I was too close to the stage to see anything he was doing on his adventures, and I think Kaoru came over again and Die visited shimote 💞At the end of the song Kyo was right at the edge in the centre, and he was grimacing with his effort not to smile. He failed and smiled hugely for a moment with his face turned on side.

They closed out with Utafumi which I can honestly never remember well, like the song is just too hectic and always ends with me bent over bashing my brain against my skull. At the end Shinya was being EXTREMELY PASSIONATE with the drums, it was RATTLING my whole body and Toshiya was like…. .. .. . . . … .. . . …. . .. . (are u done???) lajsndflkas 💞At the end Kyo stood on his crate and briefly took in the hall with an unreadable expression, he clapped and then departed. The other guys threw a few goodies, and then also departed. None of them seemed displeased, and from my vantage they all seemed to have had a good live but I was told the audience was rather stoic so they weren’t excessive with their gifts at the end of the night. I have a very distinct memory of Kaoru doing his thing…standing DEAD in front of me hardcore ignoring us 😂 Die and Toshiya did the same but they are like, not so deliberate about it. They just like, cruise along while Kaoru deliberately stands there with that smirk like. hahahaa….ur not getting one alskjdnflaksjd. It makes me LAUGH 😂 The backdrop was emblazoned with the band’s name and tour title again, and Kaoru was the last to leave. He left with smiles and waves and gestured strongly at the backdrop which got an additional cheer. Then he left! And I immediately became a boneless blob…I think my muscles took a whole week to recover from this show.

Zepp Fukuoka 

This is a VERY Kyo centric report I am sorry for all the things that ESCAPED ME!

So this show made me never, ever want to miss a Dir live in Fukuoka ever again. Tonight was so emotional!! This is the third time I’ve seen Dir in Fukuoka and the second time I’ve seen them at the Zepp, although I believe it  has been completely re-done and is a different venue to the time I saw them there in 2015. To get inside the hall we had to go down two flights of stairs and inside it felt very intimate. I had a good number and had a nice spot just at the back of the pit in front of the first rail which is where I love to be. I was right between Toshiya and Kyo, and it was such a good spot.

絶縁体 人間を被る Downfall Devote My Life Celebrate Empty Howls Merciless Cult 谿壑の欲 赫 Rubbish Heap 軽蔑と始まり Values of Madness Ranunculus The World of Mercy

EN. 理由 Followers 凱歌、沈黙が眠る頃 NEW AGE CULTURE 詩踏み

Kyo’s outfit tonight I absolutely LOVED, he was wearing the HELL out of a calf-length pleated black skirt with his tabi boots and a white dress shirt done up at the neck with a black ribbon, plus a slim black harness over the shirt as well. There were several times where I was just completely transfixed by his silhouette, and the ‘flow’ this long skirt gave his body and movements.

Zetsuentai had a BIGGER impact tonight and honestly there were a couple of moments for me where tears came on…when he broke into ”aa, damashi au koto de dare…” my heart felt like it was being squeezed and tears just came out…the second one, after “kono sekai mienakereba jibun no mama de ireru”, was even worse..and then when he broke into “shinjite mireba…” I was practically gasping for air…not due to heavy crying, because i wasn’t, but I was just overcome with emotion that couldn’t find it’s way out in tears…my whole body felt like a prison and I just wanted to scream. So Zetsuentai was…amazing tonight, it was only topped by the second night in Okinawa. Because that night, it was mid-set… I was VISIBLY not the only person having an emotional breakdown.

The final riff in Zetsuentai ground to a halt and the hall erupted in feral screaming, completely drowning out the final notes of the track and then oh my god…we slid into Ningen and I experienced extreme catharsis lmao oh my god…Kyo spoke as those opening chords sounded and we roared at him and that’s all I can remember except for headbanging and singing my heart out…it was Bliss. At the end of Ningen there was an break and Kyo sat on the drum stand and just looked at the crowd, and Toshiya left the stage. They did this during every break this evening. The screaming was deafening, just absolutely amazing. Growling. It drew to an end we had Downfall, Devote, Celebrate and Merciless. I just can’t…Fukuoka  LOVED Downfall, we were singing the FUCK outta that bridge well before the section that Kyo gives to us and he LOVED it, and then Devote started and Kyo was moving all over the place and did the whole song basically right at the edge of the stage, pointing and gesturing and making faces. Celebrate was a DANCE, we had some BOPS. There was this super passionate guy right next to me who just got down SO HARD for this song as well, we had the SPACE to dance and bop so we just did it and I just lajskdnflaksjd the Toshiya fangirls to my front-left were also just having the BEST fucking time. I kept hearing this girl sing out “Toshiyaaaaaa” in this really quite melodious voice all night laksjdnlf. Kyo’s dancing was also wonderful, his long skirt accentuated his hip movements uhuhu 😭

Merciless Cult is a blur, I could DIE. At the start Kyo snarled “掛かって来い!!!” at us and there was a lot of shrieking and oh my god that mosh…Kaoru and Die were LOVING it and Kyo was shaking his entire body at us as we screamed “GASP” and oh my god oh my god… Kyo just wordlessly howled at us to sing “kurikaeshi tsuranuku…aaaa, doko ka, kowarete yuku” and people SCREAMED with Kyo as he broke out at the end of the line and threw ourselves back into the riff….I am honestly shaking just thinking about it.

And then Keigaku came after the second interlude with a lot more feral screaming and oh. my. god. This Keigaku is INCOMPARABLE and probably my FAVOURITE performance that I have ever witnessed of this song. Kyo sighed creepily into the mic at the start, making these sinuous movements with his body and voice that were just COMPLETELY captivating and then slid into those obscure words…before each heavy riff he just HOWLED, it was like his body was taken over by the song completely. During the thrash sections the crowd went WILD and I don’t mean just movement I mean people were screaming, i was losing my mind. By the time the second verse sidled up we were so hypnotised it felt like everyone there was swaying in sync and we drew into that riff again, Kyo was singing COMPLETELY different lyrics and in that small empty space before Kaoru crashes in he CACKLED into the mic and then just shrieked…oh my god oh mygod. He sang “me o mukeyou to wa shinai, sou made shite itsuwarita…” with such a sensual quality like he was winding in on himself… then as it ended he uttered those omitted (?) words…はやく死ね (“fucking die quickly”; personally i feel like the sentiment is very like “i hope you drop dead” but that’s my impression)… 

and those words led straight into Aka, which left a MUCH bigger impression than in Kanazawa because god following Keigaku… In the second verse he sang different lyrics and then called on us to sing…it felt very subdued and hopeless. Kyo looped the chord around and around again… ugh. And then Rubbish Heap ohhhhh my god. Kyo went straight to kamite at the start of Rubbish Heap and held his fist up and SHOOK it at us, and I saw more people than USUAL make fists lmao. Me and old mate next to me were jump-punching the air with every “FIST” and Kyo gestured in our direction and I know Die saw us 😂 Keibetsu and Values are just…a blur of adrenaline. I know the guys moved around during Values but I was too busy dancing to remember ljhgkhgkj.

Ranunculus was so incredibly soft tonight…At the start Kyo was breathing into the mic and the opening verse was so beautiful and during the second he became teary…he beat himself with the mic and screamed three times before the final chorus … ;_______; As it ended Kyo kept repeating “わたし…一人で…” with delay on the mic again and then just lapsed into silence. He sang those first lines of Mercy almost with a kind of lethargy…like he’d just woken up. His body looked limp as well…he started moving the mic around so his voice was smaller and more distant…and when it reached “majiwaru ima…” he just wailed it and screamed out as Shinya broke in…I was absolutely beside myself and was just standing there crying…he vocalised “mada minu mirai de kusarou” in this desperate elongated wail that is probably the most vivd memory I have from the entire concert. As he repeats “yuugi…yuugi…yuugi…” he turns and slowly draws his arm around in circles…he uses his whole body to make this shape though, using his hips to create this undulating motion that is completely hypnotic.

During the interlude after the first heavy section Kyo gnaws on his wrist. He did this in Kanazawa as well, but tonight it was rather more intense for me I think because I was more directly in front of him and he was making extremely erotic moaning and sighing and sucking sounds into the mic. >.< In Kanazawa this part was slightly alarming bc it looked like he was really BITING his wrist, but after seeing it a few times there is far more tongue than tooth action and it can be appreciated as a more ritualistic/symbolic performance. After gnawing he holds his wrist over his cupped hand as though collecting blood in it, then scoops with his fingers and smears it across his lips and eyes…all you can hear is piano and his breathing. Then he wailed “majiwaru ima…” and I immediately started crying again, as I already felt quite FRAGILE watching this. >.<

The encore was a blast. Wake + Followers was an absolute pleasure and then THEY PLAYED GAIKA and I’m pretty sure I fuckin astral projected because I can’t remember a GOD DAMN THING that might have happened!! New Age is a DIFFERENT STORY during New Age Kyo made fish-hooking gestures in his mouth with his pinky finger, dragging one side of his mouth up into a deranged smile before flinging his hand out, I remember him doing this both at kamite and in the centre, dancing around and pointing and eyeballing people. And it was during the breakdown in this song where Kyo was right in the middle and he bent forward and started doing this STOMP DANCE in time with the riffs and it was SO FUCKING DOPE UGGGHHH his expression and posture were so ON POINT it’s literally one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. Kaoru also came to the middle and I absolutely screamed and shook my fist at him like a lunatic and he just jutted his chin lmfao. I cannot remember a thing from Utafumi either, it is hopeless.

Kyo stayed at the end longer than he did in Kanazawa, it was kinda sweet, with each show I attended he stayed a bit longer. He clapped and fox-kissed us and waved bye-bye and then left. the other guys stayed longer as well and threw MUCH more stuff than they did in Kanazawa. And everyone left GLOWING. Band and fans. Everyone looked so full and pleased, it was wonderful. I feel like the whole band and everyone in the crowd had a wonderful night. ❤️