#@pundyg are you reading this

[paper-beats-writers-block]

LUNGED TO MY LAPTOP LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL AFTER THIS LINE

end of chapter fourteen, awtwb, in the exam room with niamh and agatha. Simon is sitting there, about to skin himself if it gets Nimah to stop touching his wings, and she's kind of just. babbling on about "oh you saved us from this blah blah blah. you were unstoppable"

"I've never seen anyone fight like that"

and. literally one singular chapter earlier. the MOST DEVASTATING BLOW SIMON HAS EVER EVER HAD EXECUTED AGAINST HIM "I never thought I'd be the first thing you ever gave up on." from baz. the person he loves most in the whole world.

(that line. "I never thought I'd be the first thing you ever gave up on" that one. is branded into the back of my eyelids. i will never ever. ever. forget the first time I read that line.)

"simon looks down" agatha he is not trying to remember. he is feeling an overhwhelming amount of guilt. He was duty bound to protect and fight for watford. that's what was expected of him. But now that he's not magickal, now that he doesn't have any expectations from anyone else to keep fighting for. anything. (and yes, being present in his realtionship with Baz is an expectation. But he's never been in a relationship like this before, and Baz certainly doesn't ask for anything. Baz is still in shock that he gets to have any part of Simon at all, and he lets his own self loathing get in the way of the rest). he doesn't. and that's why he gave up on Baz. Because the very next thing he does is get the fuck out of that exam room and fucking BOLT. and he bolts directly to Baz's door. to ask. to see. "would have mattered if I had been trying? would it have mattered if I fought to keep us?"

and obviously we know the answer. of course we know. but it just now occured to him. we know he makes his most sound decisions at the last minute in the very throat of danger. and sometimes, he makes the decision in danger's stomach. and then he has to claw his way out.

and good news for him! he does claw his way out of this one! and his reward is ham and butter sandwiches and a soft nap with his boyfriend.