#@electriclimes Journey to Self

[electriclimes]

Journey to Self - Intro

TW: Body Dysphoria ; Chest Dysphoria ; Body Image

So, I’ve been struggling a lot w/self image. More recently than I have in the past. Since my chest verged out of the A cup range (pre-teen til like 18), I’ve been fighting against the dysphoria surrounded by having a chest I never really wanted. I’ve always been a tomboy and grew up honestly thinking I was literally one of the boys. My parents didn’t raise me to be a boy or girl, I was just a kid. My stuff was either gender neutral or just whatever they felt would suit me. I got to play w/what I wanted. I got to dress how I wanted; outside of school (It was a Christian private school where the girls could only wear dresses or skirts.).

As I got older that changed. More from my mother and outsiders than anyone else. I tried for a long time to make my mother happy, and be the “daughter” she wanted. It made me uncomfortable and I hated myself a lot of the time. Eventually I found a new group a friends that helped me find a new level of comfort and started to dress more masculine if you will. My mom didn’t like it but over time got used to it. She even helps me get dressed for important events/dates now. My older sister has been the most supportive person I could’ve asked for. Every time I doubt myself or voice a concern of mine she’s there to help me.

A week or so ago I made the decision to buy my first chest binder. It’s something I wish I had the courage to do years ago but I’m glad I finally did it. I’m working to find out who I really am as a person. Trying to figure what makes me physically comfortable to exist. Figuring out gender identity and all of that. It’s a lot, and a little overwhelming, but it’s something I need to do for my own sanity. I’m tired of walking around and trying to make everyone else happy/comfortable when I’m miserable. It’s time for a change.

This will be more for myself but I want something to look back at throughout this journey. Right now I still identify as a lesbian female. The female part is all I’ve ever known though I don’t really feel like one. So I’ve been doing a lot of research lately to figure out what works for me. I’ve found that nonbinary or transmasculine are more of how I see myself but I still have more research and being honest with myself to do.