#>get scheduled to close when you cant bcs you take the bus and the bus doesn't run late on weekends

[maretriarch]

kill manager kill manager

[mimikyuno]

🎨🎀 cozy mizuena headcanons to cope with mizu5 🎀🎨

ena and mizuki sometimes post dancing videos on tiktok! ena is Terrible at learning the dances and mizuki teases her the whole time so when they eventually have the videos ready for upload ena is always frowning in them

for ena’s birthday, mizuki once made a 2dmv using ena’s selfies (which she animated) as a silly present… ena pretended to be annoyed but she was in full lesbian panic thinking of mizuki spending hours animating and editing her selfies alsgslsgsk disaster lesbian

mizuki’s real present that birthday was to pay for ena’s desserts at a cute cafe! ena loved taking cute pics of the place for her account but by the end of the day she ended up with more pictures of mizuki and of the two of them together than of herself or the place

this is not rly a headcanon bc it’s been established in game but they go shopping together at the mall at least once a week! they both get butterflies in their stomach and blush when the other recommends some clothes or makeup that would suit them

they love lending clothes and make up to each other!! they both act rly gay in private when they try on the other’s lipstick/lipgloss (their hearts hammering in their chests bc “this is an indirect kiss…”) and they breathe a bit deeper when wearing the other’s clothes, the scent making their chests feel tight with longing

for their first official date, they took the train and went to the place where they went on a picnic with airi and shizuku all that time ago. this is because they didn’t wanna run into anyone they knew and wanted a quiet place to be alone. they have a nice picnic and both are too nervous to talk but then mizuki breaks the silence by teasing ena about her bento looking all funny (she tried her best okay!). after that it’s all like usual!! the share bentos, talk about nothing, and on the walk back to the bus stop their hands brush together and they are both so red in the face they laugh at each other. they hold hand properly as they wait for the bus, looking at a beautiful sunset

after they get together, they don’t immediately tell mafuyu and kanade bc they’re scared they’ll think something in their group dynamic would change. they tell them in a very officious manner at the usual family diner, and kanade frowns while mafuyu deadpans “you talked about dates in the main channel. also kanade and i are in also involved, we thought you knew, we don’t hide it.” it’s all a bit chaotic after that but then they all laugh (and mafuyu smiles ever so slightly). mizuki already knew that knmf had mutual feelings for each other but she thought they’d say smth if they started dating. ena had no idea.

this is more of a kanamafu headcanon but they think they’re obvious bc they stand very close together and fix each other’s clothes and hold hands etc. but mizuena thought nothing of it bc you know. kanamafu are both quite autistic so norms don’t really apply to their behaviours.

mizuki wants a prize figure for a magical girl anime she likes so they schedule a date at the arcade. mizuki tries her best to get the prize figure but cant. ena decides to be a good girlfriend and says “leave it to me.” she sucks so bad that mizuki cries from laughing as ena yells abuse at the machine and everyone stares at them. ena punches the machine and the figure (which mizuki had moved near the edge) falls in the hole. they both look stare at each other in silence for a second and then laugh so much their bellies hurt. seeing ena laugh so much makes mizuki impulsively kiss her for the first time. they both stare at each other in shock before giggling and hugging

akitoya were at the arcade too, and when akito heard ena yell at the machine he grabbed toya and ran out the arcade without looking back.

akito and ena accidentally plan their coming out on the same evening and it’s chaos at the dinner table (bc they start accusing the other of copying them and “why didn’t you tell me first” and “akiyama? of course… you two are really made for each other” “what is That supposed to mean?!” etc) . their dad doesnt have much to say, but their mom demands they invite mizuki and toya there for dinner some time.

dinner with the shinonome’s is a lot of fun for mizuki! she gets to see ena and akito being silly and keeps teasing them when their mom is out of earshot (she wants to make a good impression). ena’s mom smiles very fondly when she sees ena sneakily putting her carrots on mizuki’s plate and mizuki pretending not to notice. ena’s dad comes back late from the atelier and shakes mizuki’s hand and asks her to take care of ena. it’s a very short meeting but it makes mizuki realize she really IS dating ena and it’s official and she can barely fall asleep that night even though they have been dating for a month.

once ena tried to sketch mizuki but she’s so nervous her hands keep shaking and mizuki’s teasing her but she’s also feeling very self-conscious and her heart wont stop beating fast! ena eventually manages to make a nice portrait, and mizuki grins all the way back home, and hangs the portrait over her bed. she think she looks cuter in the drawing, and keeps grinning thinking that’s how ena sees her.

ena meets yuuki one time when she is back from france and they hit it off rly well!! mizuki is so so happy to see the two most important people to her talk about fashion and french pastries! yuuki was told about ena’s sweet tooth so she brought her some macarons from france, and ena is so happy she is a bit over enthusiastic in thanking yuuki, and mizuki teases her quite a bit about it.

when mizuki goes to get them some drinks, yuuki takes ena aside and thanks her for all she did for mizuki since middle school (with niigo) and asks her to take good care of her little sister while she’s away. she gets a bit teary as she says this, remembering how lonely and miserable mizuki was and how happy she is now. ena also gets teary and when mizuki comes back with drinks, she finds them crying on the sofa lmao

while yuuki is still in town, the three of them go shopping together and yuuki helps both ena and mizuki coordinate their outfits. when it’s time for her to go back to france, she promises ena she’ll sew her some clothes and ship them her way

now that they are dating, mizuki starts going to school more often and actually stays till the end of the day so that she can wait for ena to come take her evening classes. and ena starts going to school a bit early so they can hang out on the roof for a while before mizuki goes home and ena’s classes starts. on the roof, they chill and share snacks and do each other’s make up and read fashion magazines and browse social media together and discuss the music video they’re working on for niigo… sometimes ena draws and mizuki watches editing tutorials on her phone. they always sit very close, hip to shoulder, and sometimes one of them rests their head on their other’s shoulder and they just close their eyes and enjoy each other’s comforting presence

[mistymark]

nct dream as classmates

renjun

carries like 346342 things in his pencil case

is constantly drawing in his notebook and textbooks

leans over to doodle in the margins of your pages

his notes are really messy tho

rolls his eyes at ur much neater, more aesthetically pleasing notes

but is always willing to give u coloured pens and pencils to keep to a colour theme

is probably shocked to find out he's top of the class and thinks its a joke

but boy is just smart af

but all his word documents are titled like ‘redox fucking reactions’ ‘what the fuck is a chloroplast’ ‘??????????’

sends u all his notes tho

texts u at midnight all the time for no fuckin reason

it always starts with ‘yo are u still awake’

and ur like ‘yeah whats up’

and then he’ll respond with the most RANDOM shit

like what goes through that boys head

‘do u think I should use yellow or orange for the next part of my project’

‘idk send me a photo’

‘no just pick’

‘uh yellow’

‘im gonna go with blue’

either rocks up to classes looking like a god or an absolute mess theres no in between

marches through the halls with his hair a mess and doesnt give a shit

lowkey terrifies the younger students lmao

but will help them out if they ask for it

jeno

good student

studies enough but doesnt stress that much

he's just here for a good time

throws snacks at u when u frown at ur work until u look up at him and smile

lowkey worried about ur mental health

that shy kid that everyone expects to be average at all his subjects but u catch a glance of his tests and theyre all A+

owns a planner

uses it

what

I know

keeps track of a lot of school events bc he has a lot of extra curriculars

tries to get u to join more

(no)

probably knows ur schedule better than u do

‘hey jeno what do u have next’

‘calculus’

‘...’

‘that means you have chemistry’

ur always yelling at him through the halls like ‘OI JENO WHERE U GOING’ to try and find out what subject u have next

walks u to classes even if theyre in the completely wrong direction to his own

you really only have study hall together

but u had a lot of classes in common last year and ur habits of studying together just carried through I guess

has really good fashion sense 

lowkey dresses like a fuckboi

donghyuck

sometimes you just wanna punch him in the face tbh

‘hey y/n can I borrow a pencil?’

‘do u have spare paper?’

‘can we share ur textbook’

but ofc u love him sm and he's ur study buddy

studying together mainly ends up with him lying on ur bed throwing a ball up in the air while u sit at ur desk and actually study

is so willing to quiz you with ur flashcards tho

beams so hard when u get something write while he's quizzing u

claims he’ll treat u to coffee afterwards but never does lmao

makes up songs and rhymes to help him remember formulas and equations

recites the quadratic formula song whenever u mention math (even if it has nothing to do with what ur learning)

always suggests going to cafes and parks and stuff to study then spends the entire time doing the opposite of studying

‘come onnn y/n u need to relax a bit’

texts u in the morning to ask u to bring him a spare calculator or something for a test bc he forgot his

claims u to be his life saver

probably has ur contact in his phone as ‘lifeline’ or something equally cheesy

really appreciates u tho

jaemin

literally the #1 study buddy

brings heaps of snacks whenever u study together

when its late he’ll text u and tell u to go to sleep

has every single study tip crammed into his head and regurgitates them all whenever u complain about having to study

furrows his brows when u say u didn't get enough sleep but doesnt say anything

he's probably popular af

flirts with the teachers and laughs when u elbow him to stop

soooo well known ?? like even people at other schools know him ??

has aesthetic notes tho

probably has his own studygram

wears soft sweaters to classes

literally just looks like he has his life in order

gets one bad grade and studies his butt off to improve

‘life is all about improving y/n we cant all be amazing at everything straight away’

keeps u sane tbh

like literally how has he not had a mental breakdown yet its the middle of the year

youve had four just this week

‘do u want me to bring u coffee this morning?’

chenle

studies with u all the time

but he doesnt actually study

he's just waiting for u to finish so u can go catch a movie or go out to eat

stays up late playing video games

*sips coffee* “I havent slept in six days”

doesnt even like the taste of coffee

all the teachers love him tho

like he's playful and cheery but is super respectful too

he's just really good w adults ?

sends u texts during class and u wonder how he hasn't been caught

probably has never had a detention

but has been close to getting one 1289823 times

that kid that carries around one 5-subject notebook and two pens and thats literally it

brings his own lunch but trades it for jisung’s lunchables

sneaks food off ur plate all the time in the cafeteria

smiles at everyone in the hallway

offers u a ride home as much as he can

or he catches the bus with you

and shares his headphones with u

jisung

probably that kid that takes aggressive notes in the back of the class

tells u to shut up during class (and its not so he can focus lmao)

tries to get all his work done in class so he has no homework

groans whenever the teacher gives u activities

makes a face whenever a new slide pops up on the board

lots of question marks in his notes

‘to find the derivative of an exponential, it stays the same?’

‘aerobic respiration occurs in three stages: ????, the Krebs cycle and the electron transport chain’

invites u over to play video games the night before a big test

‘its self care’

shut up jisung we all know u just need an excuse to hang out

the teachers convince him to sign up to be a tutor

makes u come to all his tutoring sessions

you go out to eat afterwards

and just chill on a park bench and eat food truck food until its getting late

offers u his jacket on the walk home

has really red cheeks that are ‘from the cold’

theyre not

[lilytcyip]

December 31st, 2018.

1.10 didn’t make it into the pit, drank in aleung’s dorm

1.15 started bullet journaling

1.22 cambridge pkp admittance

1.29 very scenic drive on the way home from school - sun shining on tree branches after rain

2.2 first post on thesoftlyspoken

2.21 cactus catch up with fsyal, aleung, tlim

2.22 peoples day - little moments of fam having dindin together

3.21 succulents diy with ewong; parked car in garage alone for the first time 

4.6 lost house key on bus the bus; supportive fam but also wanted help & someone to be there

4.22 sun run; hongdae pocha & soju with ewong

4.28 extreme air park with sis & cousin

5.1 a quiet place w/ fsyal

5.2 brunch w/ cwong, slim, acottle at twisted fork

5.2 baking chocolate cup cakes w/ rjin & painting; watched before i fall

5.3 psyc scaling; nice bed bath & beynd staff

5.16 main street & trafiq w/ ewong

5.16 tap & barrel w/ acao

5.17 meetup with nwu

5.17 bowling w/ fysal & aleung

5.18 neverland w/ rjin

5.20 avery tea w/ the fam

5.21 mott 32 with the fam ; flying away from sis for 3 months

6.7-6.11 kagoshima

6.9 sandbathing at hotel

6.20-7.7 europe trip

6.20 got upgraded to business flying to amsterdam

7.7-8.18 cambridge pkp

7.13 kuda clubbing & shots; littlearlgreys reached 1k

7.21 london w/ beth & bernice; met up with winnie; fortnum & mason tea, regent street shopping

7.28-7.29 liverpool with sherry, beth & bernice

8.4 brighton with the girls, sever sisters cliffs, pride parade, crowded train ride back to london 

8.12 london with ber & beth, buckingham palace & f&m afternoon tea

8.17 talks with kristin, naoko & berber over drinks

8.18 berber dropped me off at coach stop & i teared up

8.19 had lady M at the airport alone

8.24 meet on main vegan food & bookstore w/ ewong

8.24 thierry & pc w/ efeng

8.25 aleung’s bday party @ suika & bowling

8.29 class 5 road test; efeng’s bday party & karaoke at forage 

10.19 red velvet cupcakes baking w/ cwong, slim, acottle; held jaspter & petted him

10.26 ramen & chapters w/ slim, acottle & cwong

10.28 shopping w/ sis, new uniqlo coat & sweaters, beret

11.11 rose girls night w/ fsyal, nwu, claw, aleung

11.15 walked around & chilled (indian resident schools on campus) w/ acottle - these little moments

11.16 so hyang w/ acao; be careful with driving - almost missed motorist while shoulder checking, very close call

11.20 stepping on crisp fall leaves on my way to psyc 363 in the morning

12.19 girls movie night w/ aleung, fsyal, claw, tlim at fifis house

12.20 aurora w/ rjin & setting up profile on apps

12.21 sushi dinner, chocolate toffee cookies & lemon ricotta pancakes w/ acottle, slim & cwong at cottles house (: also petted dion

12.24 christmas eve dinner with the fam at pan pacific

12.25 seattle enchant & din tai fung with fam (nobody went on their phone during the meal and it made me feel very grateful)

12.25 workout to get fit question; lots of self-love & im very grateful ; had enough self respect to not let any toxicity into my life despite the attention

12.16 boxing day - over the knee steve madden boots

12.27 apple lesson & eggspectation brunch w/ mom (no phone, lots of talking), nail labo after

12.28 worked out w/ ewong

12.28 lunch at home, decor by sis & pics and prettiest cake at home and dindin @ sea harbour

12.29 matcha lava cake baking w/ ewong, boju, princess switch

12.31 eggspectation brunch & rc w/ aleung, lucas, fsyal 

12.31 cocoru, snowy village & facetime countdown w/ cyu & efeng

looking back, there were so many opportunities and firsts in 2018 and for me personally, it was one of the years where i grew the most. i did spend my time more wisely in 2018! i did set up schedules by setting up productivity trackers, taking more effective notes, putting more effort into studying. did end up tracking the cups of water i drank but not with the plant tracker anymore ahaha also took on new workout challenges with arms & thighs and overall, in 2018, i focused on improving myself. the most impt milestone this year is definitely starting bullet journalling! its been something that i wanted to do for years and im so glad i discovered amandarachlee’s channel bc her videos are literally what gave me that little push into bullet journalling! bubz inspired me to challenge myself AGAIN ; i was never creative / good with doodling but i always thought learning how to draw titles was kinda stupid when i was younger bc teachers never appreciated the title, only the content - which was very understandable. my creativity / doodling were never validated but little did i know it all happened for a reason and these titles are now helping to me to incorporate the skills i learned into my journal! i always knew writing nicely would be of use one day, i just didn’t know it was meant to be used for bullet journaling and thesoftlyspoken. this also applied to school: as each day passes, my goal is getting more and more clear (: psyc 370 resparked my interest in psyc and everytime im so grateful that i could be there to learn more about our experiences on a neurological level. i know i belong in this program i thought i wouldnt enjoy psyc 300 but it was one of my favourite classes! talking to silvain about dealing with negativity from patients and attending a therapy session for the first time were definitely eye-opening. im more and more sure that therapy is what i want to do and i want to help that are struggling to see the beauty in life and that if we can feel and LIVE more if we just tweak the way we think a little bit. talking to silvain lifted a huge weight off my shoulders bc after a while, you do get used to it and that you learn that people are strong and resilient. you learn that people are strong and that they are capable of being happy and i just want to be a part of the journey for people that need a little more help. starting a bullet journalling also allowed me to realize that art can take on many forms and that i don’t have to be good at doodling to express myself creatively. i cant wait for all the themes /doodles im going to create in 2019! these last couple of days in dec, i was caught up on multiple apps on my phone that i didn’t get to read / be productive as much as i had hoped for. but its okay, i still had a good break and im still so so thankful that i got to spend quality time with family and friends. being on these apps were another good experience; im glad i had enough self-respect to not any toxicity into my life despite the amount of attention i got. i didnt know i had so much self-love in me and im so so thankful <3 i was also surprised and that a lot of my friends offered to be there for the bbt meetup and it just made me feel very loved bc i thought it was too much of a hassle. sister setting up the balloons / cake for my birthday was a beautiful surprise and i felt very very loved.

another big thing was definitely the exchange experience at pkp. those 6 weeks at cambridge, i made lifelong memories and met people that i would never forget. i bonded with hk people for the first time and it really felt like home. when youre alone and you go on solo trips and live independently, you learn so much about yourself. but getting to meet other people from other countries and seeing how our cultural differences influenced our ways of thinking was the most rewarding experience. i really needed to realize that and that we are all biased in our own ways. i was disappointed in myself on the brighton train trip but what i learned from that was that while it may seems like there’s nothing much you can do and that there will be moments when you feel weak and helpless, theres always SOMETHING that you could do for at least 1 person. more importantly, i needed to recognize the power imbalance issue does exist in first-world countries like the UK and that we could all be doing a little more

2018 was a year of discovering how much self-love i had, how much other people loved and cherished me, going on adventures, and that being thankful for all of you have before you ask for more. things you hoped for in 2018 did come true: the exchange / major both turned out okay and there’s no use in worrying about them bc they will all come together, one step at a time. 

in 2019, continue to be grateful, patient, present, and dont forget to listen more. heres another year of memories, self-discovery and fun adventures on this journey called life (: 

[tutyayilmazz]

I really wasted half of my university life not really taking advantage of anything and now semester is starting and i still don't feel any motivation to join any clubs etc. I want to have, idk more than one friend i regularly spend time with but its so hard to find anyone you get along with... I just want to go home with the 4:30 bus and not wait until 6pm just to sit through introduction meetings where i feel like im gonna explode or cry bc of how nervous and uncomfortable i am. I used to want to do stuff like theatre and i went to see them before and its obvious they want you to forgo everything else bc they were all in their 7th year of university... And the smaller ones are just a bunch of people who are friends anyway hanging out supposedly doing smth. Its nice to take part in stuff but after being tired all day through class/lab i just want to go home so much that i rarely even go to the movie screenings my absolute fave teacher's club is doing. And honestly even if you do miraculously make friends you can't ever meet up with them bc your schedules and exams are never gonna match up. I can't get closer to anyone in my department even if i try to be as friendly as i can in class afterwards they're all gonna leave to do whatever with their friends. And im still pissed at how the friends i had in first year left me and now they're friends with this insufferable girl. I hate how lonely i feel and i hate how i just want to avoid everyone at the same time. I hate how im either so tense about everyhting or so apathetic that id just rather go to the computer lab and watch smth instead. I usually don't mind just being alone, walking around but when i see people that i know having fun i feel so shit. I hate how one of my close friends where i live also goes to the same school and yet she won't make any effort to see me while we're both there. I hate worrying about everything i hate that i cant be content with what i have. I hate how i cant manage to do any single thing

[audiovisualrecall]

So i discovered im scheduled to work all closing shifts for the days im working for the 9th thru the 20th and freaked out. Im so stupid I was worried if i didnt say i was available to close every day that they would scold me or fire me idek so I put that down on my availability and now I regret it bc it just does not work for me outside of specific days!!! I can only do it occasionally outside of specific days tbh! Fucking fuck fuck fuck, i just, I cannot get up at 8am to leave at 11am to get to work at 1pm multiple days a week including in a row, the ones where it's like 4-close i could do repeatedly, maybe, but it just doesnt worm and I'll end up having to take the bus home after 10pm in the winter and end up frozen, or I'll end up burned out because I cant go to sleep before midnight and I cant do it, and I want at least Fridays to be just midshift okay, I cant miss friday night dinners with my 90 something year old grandfather. Some I talked w steph and wrote out my preferred availability and then I drafted and sent an email to my department manager about updating my availability and I feel so stupid and bad and guilty and anxious because well I dont know, maybe im just being a stupid wimp, other people manage days like that, worse even, I can adjust and deal with it, but I shouldnt have to, okay! It feels wrong!!!!!! It feels like im just that annoying child who doesnt know how things work with jobs, and I'm already awkward and quiet and weird, and it's all tied together because I'm autistic and I will work till I drop and forget to ask for a break and I work best with a midday shift!!! I dont have a car I have to take the bus and I wont be able to afford risking getting a car and car insurance even if I knew how to drive and had a fricken license. It's not MY fault long island busses are unreliable as fuck and that I dont want to die because I stood outside in the middle of the winter waiting for a bus. I dont want to have to ask my parents to drive out and pick me up. And just. ARGH!!!!! They all are like we dont discriminate based on disability :))))) and then you go and have symptoms of ur disability that mean u cant work the same amt of time as someone without said disability. Or your disability affects your behavior/make you awkward socially or need explicit instructions, and you can tell they dont like you even if they dont KNOW its ur disability that they feel uncomfortable about, but you know that when they have a chance to politely let you go they WILL.

[thesanguinecrow]

I haven't really seen any of your personal posts but I am curious and would like to know, if it isn't any trouble

it isnt trouble im just glad someones interested bc i usually feel rly annoying this will get to the song point i promise but here goes tldr at the bottom. so it all started when my friend who i had only met a few months ago went out of his way to talk to me bc like we were relatively far appart. we were going to first period and he yells to me “get to class rose!” and i jokingly flip him off then he yells back “mines bigger” and we go on our ways. i hadent given it much thought at the time but now i see it as just the start of him trying to get closer to me. after that there wasnt much more conversation. then one day after school has ended he snapchats me out of no where and im like ?? ok and we start talking and hes sharing his antics and im just in amazement bc my life is pretty boring n he’s out here stayin in vegas alone (oh btw im gonna be a high school senior and hes gonna be a sophmore im a lil uncomf. with our grade gap but im not actually sure of his age but ik its not more than 2 years n age smooths out with time and im not interested in doing anything sexual atm even kissing would be rly pushing it) anyway be tells me a personal detail about himself ide rather not disclose but shows hes comfortable opening up to me. we sent eachother back and forth snaps of us making funny smooshed faces and stuff like that like i trust you not to screenshot and post this everywhere kinda face. soon after that wich was around the fourth of july he went off to camp and didn’t have his phone. i didn’t know he didn’t have/couldn’t use it and this whole time I’m freaking tf out and im here thinking OH MAH LORD WHAT IF HE DIED and internally sobbed. then after being sent home bc he broke his hand he gets back on sc and im like I THOUGHT YOU DIED ARE YOU OKAY!!!????!!?!?! and ever since then it’s been wishy washy bc he wouldn’t go on snapchat for hours and ik bc he has his location turned on on the map and it wasnt there. hes told me he doesnt have his phone which i regret not asking why but i assume his mom takes it or somrthing like oh its bad to be on it 24/7 somethin like that. hes also sent me pics of his torso but these increased post camp. he even sent one and captioned it “i felt hot in this one” and another 2 focusing on his mucles (hes not the most muscular but its noticeable hes got some) i think on sunday he was on and i sent a snap of me with my hair tied up in the front like a unicorn horn and my hair is like 6 and a half inches (17 cm) so its sticking up adding to the horn effect. then he sends me a snap back saying “well im single” and im like “me too” and hes just like *sigh* if only there was something i could do about it kinda sigh and im like “hey wanna hang at the beach wednesday anf hes like yeah but we never set a time before he didnt have his phone and all day wednesday me all shaved up (bc dysphoria and falling to societal beauty standards plus i wanted to wear my white short shorts with out my jungle creepin out mah butt cheecks and upper thighs lowkey mad i cant figue out how to tuck but i was gonna deal and do my best) i got my brows did my skin was doin ok and he wasnt on all day and i had a limited time frame to hang bc the beach is relatively far from where i live andi cant drive or have a car or get a ride and my mom doesnt trust me in uber or public transportation and idek bus schedules or how that works so i had to go with my mom to her job to then go to the beach bc they’re close to eachother but no meeting time set we dont hang i slowly steep into a pitty party and im like ok mood is sad woe is me then today i decide to stay home and seep into this poison of negativity and he snaps me if i wanna go to the mall and im here ready to throw myself of a cliff while on fire bc i had gone with my mom every day but today and im like well f*ck sh*t im so deeply upset and saw the potential to hang today and i feel so at fault for staying home the one day we could hang and nope. i hate having these feelings bc i have reason to believe he likes me and bc of that i ended up liking him back and it irritates me that we cant have consistent conversation and its just like when ever he happens to have his phone. i dont like when i catch feelings, form a crush, become infatuated and i say infatuated bc ik its not something as deep as love i dont know much about him but i do care for him. he blacked out bc of his diabetes and i was really concerned for him and i honestly feel like the mom friend sometimes. but i just want to get to know him and see if it leads beyond infatuation. whenever i get infatuated its often hard core and i have vivid images of us at the beach but also not. like its just me alone no boardwalk no docks no pier just me ocean sa d and sun. i dont like feeling so out of controll its overwhelming and suffocating. i like to believe im a hard cold b*tch whos in controll of my emotions but im not. i can be apathetic but romance just stikes me to my core and i hate it that my feelings always feel or are one sided like ik no one is obligated to like me back but it seems like he does like me. i dont care but do care, deeply, at the same time its a mess and i hate having these negative feelings its like poison in my soul its heavy and petrifying. my tarot readings have been discouraging but my pendulum readings have said he likes me (i havent done a pendulum in the past few days but it still seems like he does) idk i guess im clingy and i feel like i annoy ppl a lot and with the song cut to the feeling its like cut to the feeling i wanna play where you play with the angles i wanna wake up with you all in tangles no more hesitation this is on not in order but you get the picture i didnt really pay much attention to the lyrics bc i think its a great sounding song as with most of my music but then i started to sing (terribly) and learn the lyrics and i wanna be in a relationship but when i think about it and im put in the situation it could happen i panic like suddendly everything is moving so fast and sometimes i even start trembling and shaking and i dont wanna rush into things so fast but i still love the song but now all i can think about is this whole situation and the song only presses it. i asked him how he feels about me and im waiting for a response. idk im just not feelin too good and this is really bringin me down and i could get over it and be done or at least i believe i could but i dont want to.. anyway yeah the song is pressing these sore spots in my emotional mess and its makin me sad sorry this is so long but im glad someone cared to hear

TLDR: im an emotional mess bc i cant talk to my crush often and had missed and failed chances to hang out. i wanna see where things go but not rush into things and cut to the feeling is a good song but its poking at these tender feelings.

[cowardlytrait]

☀ 100 questions no one really asks ☀

i was tagged by @batsysims , thank you ! 😊

1. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED?

i sleep with it closed !! it’s mainly so one of my younger sisters doesn’t go in there tbh 

2. DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS? i’ve never actually stayed at a hotel so no djghdfgbd

3. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT? out?? whenever i do sleep with a sheet on my bed, because i tend to not remake my bed so i generally sleep without a sheet for a while which i know isnt good for you so im trying to break that :/ 

4. HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE? i considered it once, bc i was walking to my friends place on new years eve and i saw a street sign that fell in a storm , and i almost took it.. except i still had 10 more mins until i got to her house , and i didnt want to have the possibility of getting caught . also ?? idk how  i wouldve brought it home on the bus 

5. DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST-IT NOTES?  y e! but i dont use them enough ngl 

6. DO YOU CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM? nah, but my mom does that v often . and i often have a bunch of coupon reciepts / punch cards from different places that i always forget about 

7. WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES? hhhhh bees

8. DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES? i have a few !! primarily on my arms and legs, and a few on my face,, i never really had many until last year 

9. DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES? yes?? im p bad at smiling for photos tho ngl 

10. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? when someone asks me to do something, and then i say sure.. and then they repeat it like 2 mins later and im like.. fa m, now i dont wanna 

11. DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK? sometimes ! a lot of the time i end up focusing on not stepping on cracks tho?? idk it’s a weird habit i started sometime last year that im trying not to do 

12. HAVE YOU PEED IN THE WOODS? nah

13. HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS? nah 

14. DO YOU EVER DANCE EVEN IF THERES NO MUSIC PLAYING? sometimes yeah ! i tend to if im dancing with one of my siblings tho , like just grabbing their hands and making them dance with me 

15. DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS? yupyupyupyup :/

16. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK? 0 x 0 = 0 

17. WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED? a single? i dk it’s small and sucks ng l 

18. WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK? u  h h h  h h h  , probably are we there yet?  - ingrid michaelson 

19. IS IT OK FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK? yupyup! ! ! 

20. DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS? yup ! voltron is actually currently one of my favorite shows , but i also watch su and several other cartoons ! i also watch anime when i feel like it but not as often as i used to 

21. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE? minions 

22. WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME? idek ?? defos not anywhere in this town that’s fo sure 

23. WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER? depends ! sometimes water, sometimes milk, sometimes juice. but generally i try to avoid drinking anything while eating and have a drink afterwards

24. WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN? i usually dont dip them in anything , but depending on my mood: mayo or ketchup 

25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? pizza ! 

26. WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE? u h h , titan ae , the fifth element, any barbie movies and more tbh 

27. LAST PERSON, YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU? i cant remember? i probably kissed my brother on the forehead but idk 

28. WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT? nope

29. WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE? if cash is involved absolutely

30. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER? i wrote a letter in my friends’ birthday cards. 

31. CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL ON A CAR? nope : /

32. EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET? djhsd i dont even have my G2 yet and cant even drive so o o 

33. EVER RAN OUT OF GAS? nope 

34. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF SANDWICH? meat, pickles, and cheese 

35. BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST? toast + chocolate milk 

36. WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME? 11 or 12 (altho my sleeping schedule has been fucked for the past week) 

37. ARE YOU LAZY? lmao yeah 

38. WHEN YOU WERE A KID, WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN? i was once a goth fairy, a dead nerd and a lady bug ! those are the ones i remember off the top of my head fgjfdgd 

39. WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN? tiger ! 

40. HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK? i can only speak english, but i have a vague understanding of french 

41. DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS? nope

42. WHICH ARE BETTER: LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS? wtf are lincoln logs  update: i’ve never played with lincoln logs in my life so legos 

43. ARE YOU STUBBORN? very

44. WHO IS BETTER: LENO OR LETTERMAN? ?? idk 

45. EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS? when i was younger and my mom would ,yup 

46. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? very ! 

47. DO YOU SING IN THE CAR? yup ! often when me and 3 of my friends hand out we will drive around and listen to musicals + other music ! 

48. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? if im listening to music yuppers ! 

49. DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR? same as 47 ^ 

50. EVER USED A GUN? nope

51. LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER? last se

52. DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY? sometimes, but i still really enjoy them so !! 

53. IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL? oh boi yeah, esp because of all the kids in my house + my mom’s family, and this year i’ll be dog sitting around that time so this year is gonna be f u n 

54. EVER EAT A PIEROGI? not authentic ones, but yeah ! altho im allergic to potatoes so i dont eat them v much at all anymore 

55. FAVORITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE? i dont like pie actually :/

56. OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID? i always wanted to be a teacher ! since like grade 3, but now i want to be a graphic designer , but tbh being a history teacher would be fun as well ! 

57. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? yeah i do 

58. EVER HAVE A DEJA-VU FEELING? all the time 

59. DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY? nah :/  i probs should lmao 

60. DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS? nope 

61. DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE? nah 

62. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED? usually just my undies but when im living with other people il wear a soft shirt and my dc heroes pajama bottoms ayyy

63. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT? justin bieber in grade 8 i think ?? 

64. WALMART, TARGET, OR KMART? walmart bc there’s no more targets in canada.. otherwise, target

65. NIKE OR ADIDAS? niether 

66. CHEETOS OR FRITOS? cheetos... idk what fritos are lmao 

67. PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS? neither tbh 

68. EVER HEAR OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN? no 

69. EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS? i wanted to but never did “/

70. IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING? idk ?? 

71. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? i dont think so ? 

72. EVER WON A SPELLING BEE? i think i was in one once?? but i dont remember it ?? did i win who knows

73. HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY? oh yeah boi 

74. OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS? nope,  but my dad owns a lot !  

75. OWN A RECORD PLAYER? my dad does ! 

76. DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE? nah, but my mom does ! 

77. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? i think so? ? 

78. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT? real friends, hanson, set it off and more tbh 

79. WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW? same as 63

80. HOT TEA OR COLD TEA? hot!!!!

81. TEA OR COFFEE? coffee!!!!!!! !! ! ! ! ! !

82. SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES? sugar cookies !! 

83. CAN YOU SWIM WELL? nah lmao im shit 

84. CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE? yup

85. ARE YOU PATIENT? depends ! im p patient with kids, but have no patience when it comes to being late or waiting on someone. 

86. DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING? band probs

87. EVER WON A CONTEST? i once won a 4ft cat in the hat from my local short stop when i was 4 

88. HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY? nah  89. WHICH ARE BETTER: BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES? neither 

90. CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET? i learned how to crochet once?? but i forgot it so neither lmao 

91. BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE? livingroom or bedroom 

92. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED? sort off? ?

93. IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED? no

94. WHO WAS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH? uh  h h  m  , currently crushing on someone actually lmao 

95. DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY? no?? 

96. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? nope 

97. DO YOU WANT KIDS? yup ! ! 

98. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? pink !! ! ! ! !  !

99. DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW? sort off?? i miss my old best friend and i feel sort of disconnected rn with everyone

100. WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TAG TO DO THIS TAG NEXT? uhhh , idk who’s done this so i guess @geekmoodlet @maimouth @applezingsims @simprising @shook-sims if you’ve already done it then just ignore this ! ! ! 😝

[deadcatelog]

chaha,, this is why i ended up crying on the sidewalk at 12am outside of a public event i’d brought a ticket for because i wanted.......  i thought we both wanted to go........ she told me she was in the city then suddenly she says she realized she was actually in longisland and about 2hrs away from the city........ even when.

i thought were going to do something fun together again for once, since it’d been so long...... i sai d i wanted to go see it and she said she wanted to come and i told her where i was.. she has a car and i took the train which is a lot slower and; she never responded? we used to talk for hours.. then about an hour, or a little more than an hour away? maybe 2? from when the event was soupposed to start she told me she was hanging out in a lounge with some of her other friends. drinking and partying? i was nt mad she was enjoying herself but i was peevedshe didn’t even tell me she was back in the city.... even if that was the case that she ever wasn t omg... it wasso close to when the even was soupposed to start. there’s no cell service in the subway and my phone was abt to die. i texted her asking, i don’t remember? omething about the event.i think i told her i was an hr away from it and since we were both in different places and w diff. transportation situations... she took so long to respond... my phone was about to die.. im so fucking easy to fool lmao, i was curled up in the corner of a room after i finally walked in the event charging my phone for 2 hrs (the event was 3 hrs) waiting for anything... she always lets her phone die when shes out late at night. my phone was on 1% so i thought maybe hers was too so i stopped thinking about it and just sat at the bar and listened to the music. i think my last text to her was “are you coming?” i woke up in the middle of the day the next day and there was just still no response.. i should have expected this. she’s been so cold lately. she probably just realized what a fucking mess and a burden i was and that she didn’t have to do that once she saw how normal people acted towards each other. she probably didn’t want to deal with the stress......she was being nice about it and i was being an idiot. last time we hung out i pointed out that there was this function in manhattan while we were in queens after getting something to eat, we spent all day in queens until she led me into a dunking donut and sat down and we sat there for hours. she said she had to charge her phone. she had a portable charger. right before this she kept telling me how tired she was and how she wanted to go home and i protested but then i was like... ok thats fine ur tired lets go to ur car and i’ll see u off but she told me she’d parked really really far away.i didn’t mind, she was the last person whose company i enjoyed. i was so scared of the idea  that she wanted nothing to do with me. we stayed in that fucking donut shop for hours. i was tired too so i got a double expresso so we could hang out like we’d sai we’d do.... like i’d traveled 2hrs for to do.... she didn’t even talk to me almost the entire time, she was jst staring at her phone. maybe complaining about how i wouldn’t take a hint. i don’t even know who those ppl r she never told me anything about them besides the fact that some of them were older than her and they went out drinking together often. she sounded like she really liked them. i didnt care that she had other friends whose company she enjoyed so much... it made me happy to see how well she was doing after hs. god im such a fool. i’m so fucking stupid im literally fucking retarded. she;d been acting weird and distant for months. i thought that was just what is was like watching your hs friends grow up when u two were in completel different situations but there were so many times where i’d toss all my plans to prepare to travel/hang out w her just to show up and suddenly she didn’t have the time bc she had something she had to do that ...just so happened to be starting like 10 minutes after i’d traveled all the way across manhattan to see her... im a fucking idiot. she probably decided she didn’t like me anymore a long time ago after nothaving to deal w me every day and was probably trying tolet me go easy by letting me chose not to make the same dumb decisions over and over but i was so desprate to hold onto her bc no one else talks to me. an y sane person wouldn’t have stood up for that... and some times i did say to her that what it wasn’t cool to call me over and say we should hang out only to tell me she’d have to bail for an interview or something she was scheduled for like a week b4 we met up or something. she never responded to those texts. i was so scared she would decide she was mad at me and done dealing with me so i never mentioned them again even though it fucking hurt. i felt like a toy being tugged around when she got bored but immediately threw away when something else, something more important than leisure of course, came up. i dont know how to make friends. looking back on it, were we even really best friends like i thought? we were only friends for a year, maybe that wasn’t enough? i enjoyed her comapny... and S’s comapny, and sometimes A’s company so much... especilly when we were all thogether even if it was just in class. maybe im just being inconsiderate and i cant see why so im jumping to conclusions bcfrom my point of view i’m?? everything hurts again. im always the fucking dummy, the crazy psycho weirdo that even the nicest ppl could see needed to be put down before it hurt anyone or them. even someone as blind as me can see it in their fucking eyes. they get wide, they back up a bit or hunch their shoulders and stop talking and my fucking dumbass just walks forward and keeps running my dumb mouth bc all i think of it is ‘oh! what happened? they wont be able to hear me from that far away i’ll walk closer and keep taling’ ad now im just  afucking angry loser screaming like a fucking toddler on the floor about how unfair the world is when the truth is nobody deserves to fucking have to deal with me. mr g was right to fucking hate my entitled guts. ms garia was right to fucking hate my guts too while putting on a huge fake grinthat i just saw as proof that what i thought she was probably thinking of me was just my outlandish brain trying to make me feel like the entire world was fucking against me when in reality that wasn;t the case when in reality that was the case because they have a fucking reason to be. even though i wasbeginning to ate my uncle for basically cornering me all the time and listing off all the ways he thought i was stupid and disgusting and a pain to have around wasn’t he fucking right? it i it cant just i cant just run around being offended by everyone in the world and giving them the silent treatment-- even if i thought i was giving them space,how could they fucking know?? 

there probably isnt a person on this planet that would feel sympathy for my fucks. ed up situation because they suddenly have to deal with treating this entitled stupid bitch super delicately  least she hurt them. i don’t even know what i do to hurt them, but i do it anyways. im 100% sure that its just by being me. my mother always fucking screamed at me since i was little how much of a curse i was on her. i can’t imagine my brother came out of nowhere with what he was thinking when he stomped upstairs and choke slammed me against my fucking bed and screamed in my face while he shook me and stepped on my laptop after i took my food back. he called me ungrateful. he yelled it to me straight in my ear as if to force it into my head. i don’t even remember being ungrateful?? he talked about brining home food he let me eatallthe time like white astle but i thought i’d always expressed my gratitute but maybe i didn’t?? i don’t remember. i always felt like id din. 

there’s a fucking REASON why EVERYONE i meet thinks im a fucking liar and more than worthy of their distain and being put in my place whether it meant i’d get my feelings or my fucking face hurt. everyone wants me to apologize to my brother. and my mother. everyone thinks im being an unreasonable cunt. EVERYONE in my family has shown distain or disapointment in me. it doesnteven fucking matter that i was ableto get into one of the best schools in the country. now i just get even more people outright avoiding me or confronting me bout how much of a fucking disgrace they think i am. my fucking exsistance is always a major fucking burden on everyone around me. it just keeps happening again and againandn again and i keep trying to change but the cycle never stops. it doesnt matter how good of a persn i run into, after having to deal w me for a few weeks they’ll start pushing me out of the way if im walking too slow or step on my toes or avoid me and talk about me behind my back. i can imagine it.... i’ve always told myself i was wrong and oerthinking myself but it always turns out to be true and its always worse than i imagned they’re always way more pissed off at me for my bullshit and that hurts more than any ~over anxious thinking~ i could tell myself. they dont deserve to have to deal with a fucking demon like me but im fucking human too and it hurts so fuking bad. i an see how much they hate me or are pissed to have to put up with me. my uncle told me a few weeks ago that he wish i knew how much he wanted to fucking hurt me when he came back to his apartment and saw the mess i made... i swear to god i was letting the fucking meat defrost... it was 1am bu i was up the entire time; i was making burgers. there were two and the first one was fucking raw and frozen on the inside despite deforsting it in the microwave. he asked me over and over again when school was starting again. i wanted to cry at how obvious it was he wanted me fucking out. i thought i just had bad luck witht my mom but that made me realize it wasn’t fucking bad luck it was all my own fault. probably from the very beginning. i couldn’t help that i didn’t want towash the dishes then and did eveything i ould to get out of it with her. i couldn’t help that even though i did wash the dishes and cleaned up after myself that i let everything aroun d me get so bad before i did something about it. back then i just didnt want to do it and i thought it was unfair that i was always the one to clean the dishes all the time while tony only had to tae out th e trash once a week or so. every time she told me to get off my ass and wash the dishes it was so fucking full it made me mad that i was cleaning up after everyone else. and every time i pointed that out of course both of them were aginst me. she and he told me in their own ways they bot h thought it was only fair. 

that fucking bitch. she wasn’t even anywhere close to fucking proud when i got into columbia. her voice was flat the entire time, i tried to get her excited so hard. i knew she cared about money, i told her how much money a school like this could help me make and it was basically fucking radio scilence. and i wasn’t even anywhere comfortable, i was at this place in brooklyn (fucking brooklyn, fuck brooklyn) for this other girl i’d just become friends with (that’s a lie, i dont become friends w ppl idk how she just picked me up like a dog off the dtreet. she told me she liked to do that with people once)and this new teacher that got so pissed at me when i wandered off like i wasn’t fucking 30 days off from being 18 years instead of 8 years old... my heart was singing. i’d finally gotten into my dream school and she didn’t care, and then she didn’t care either. they were both probably so fucking annoyed it hurt ind ifferent ways i didnt want to talk about it anymore. i wanted to hug everyone around me, for the first time in so long i felt like my world lit up in a billion colors and i could finally be happy iforever but it was like... no one felt the same way. i get a bigger reaction from strangers who can briefly relate to me off of some superficial shit all the time than i did. i’d lost that feeling after that. it went from winning the lottery to just another academic achievement that nobody but me and a few other poor souls that probably had to feel obligated to say something nice even gave a shit about. those types, i cant even imagine im an entire person to them. i’m just some symbol of like... society as a whole not being... fucking i dont know,? even this sounds fucking arragont and hell coming out my my mouth nowthat i type it out... lmao mr. g just gave me this fucking look after the announcement took place for the rest of the year. i wanted him to acknowledge that he was wrong about me so bad, haha, that he was wrong to hate me but of course why would being the first student in the history of our shitty fucking school to even get in shitting distance of an ivy league mean anything to him? he probably figured i got in bc i was black, and poor and using that + lies to trick the adoffiers to let me in. ms garcia too. she would hardly speak to me after that. her eyes seemed to burn whenever i met them. i... never thought that they were wrong, i couldn’t shake the enthusiasim i’d lost inside of me after the other day. i( can’t imagine they thought i was anything less than absolutely coddled and spoiled athome while my entire family stroked my ego and did my every bidding since it would probably explain why i acted the way i did in class and schooli guess. fuck i cant even remember more than half the shit i did in hs.)but wasn’t going to just so happen to speak about how great if feels to know that i was probably going to be set for life, for a great fanatastic life, when they were alwyas just barely keeping their mouths shut from calling me a a fucking retarded entitled cunt every time i opened my mouth and it pissed them off.

god no wonder they hated me. im losing my train of thought. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i don’t even know wit when im hurting other ppl andyeti was always this self righteous bastard who claimed i only cared about others bc i did community service (that no one ever saw since i didn’t do it in school.... so it would be easy to just think that im just a lyingbitch trying to get attention and shit i dont deserve.... like w this admission offer lol)

everyone whose nice to me eventually learns it was a fucking mistake.i seethe way people look at me so clearly now, but still its neveruntil its too late i still dont fucking know what i do to piss everyone around me off all the time. everyone i figured was pretty smart around me always tended to avoid me or get angry at me for no reaosn i could explain. lmao. andr saw it too, she couldn’t stand being around me after a certainpoint. i dont have friends. ive never had friends like everyone else had friends. just fucking sympathizers (”why do you even speak to her?” just someone looking out for someone they loved when i did some dumb shit to them) i wish i had a knife so i could slit my throat right here. maybe then someone will read it and understand that i dont mean it but onestly would they?? am i getting anything less than i fucking deserve?? it doesnt matter if i don’t like it, i’m always brining fucking painful unnecessary bullshit into people’s lifes and make even the kindest people want to fucking rip my guts out for it. there’s a noose tied up to my closet right now but i please just please don’t want to suffer anymore.i dont want toknow what its like to be homeless, but idid this to myself. i’ve always fucking did this to myself. all my shit is password protected. i want to see myself as a martyr so bad but a martyr wouldn’t try and force someone to read this shit and try and make them feel bad for shit they barely had anything to do with that im just trying to drag them into bc i want to feel good about myself, and they only was i an accomplish that is by making other people feel bad?? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

a few weeks ag  i told myself i wouldn’t do it in my dorm because i didn’t want to make other people comfortable. i dont want anyone to come and see my body next to the fucking pigsty i always seem to create wherever i go. i dont want them to have to see my half naked body, but i didnt have any clean clothes. clothes... i jsut spent over 100 on some fucking jeans and a denim jaket bc i wanted it even though i can’t really afford it. me bac k on my bullshit again, of course.oh my god oh mygod. fucking hell god dammit. but isnt this nothing less than i desevre anyway? for making so many poor innocent people have to endure my fucking insane ly uncomfortable awkwardness and the natural hellfire that surrounds me and i was born with and burns everyone around me except for me. is it really so objectively terrible when they burn me back?? they don’t know that i dont have any idea what im doing. they dont know what goes on in my head. i learned to destroy my own feelingsand shut down my human reactions while i was livnngin that hell hole........the second hellhole i came from,theone here on earthnot the one ispwaned in lol.

i really dont even want to hink about the anger the peoplewhove trulygotten to know me will go through if i did die like this. everyone around them will be superifcially mourning and they wouldnt be able to say anything bad, haha~ about me because of the social pressure or w.e, they’dprobably feel terrible themselves because i know even thoughthey hate me and hurt me or want to hurt me or lie to me to hurt me or laugh ifthey make me flinch they’d probablyfeel bad about how glad they feel and should feel for having thishorriblehellcritter whipe herselfoff the face of the earth. and everyone elsewill think im pathetic, of course. so many people already know howpathetici am. theyll ust roll their eyes in annoyance and grumble how i did everything to deserve the shit i went through, and that it was pathetic how i canttake half the shiti dish out.then they;ll go on with their lives nd i’ll be dead and forgotten and the world can cheer silently that im finally gone.

[ughdestiel]

i’ve been feeling kind of trapped and clueless lately, and i think it would really make me feel better if i just kind of put this out there in the open and get it off my chest and let those who care or are curious enough to read it so... here goes

it’s nothing crazy serious obviously. but i’ve just felt kind of out of place lately. with college and being on my own, basically, and all, it’s really different. and i do love college, i love everything im learning and becoming and discovering what i really want to do in life, but in the midst of all that. I feel so alone sometimes.

like all my close friends from high school go to different colleges, but like... 

ok so in my group of friends theres basically six of us, including myself. one of them didnt go to high school with us. but with the other four (one being my bf), one of them goes to school w our former friend, one just simply goes to school then goes home but talks with the guys (the six are all guys), then the last two is my bf and friend who go to school together. and my bf and friend is part of this club at school and they have TONS of friends like TONS and theyre always doing stuff with them like play basketball or going out to eat or something and of course im so happy that my bf got cool friends and he’s happy there and all but i cant help but get so so so. s.o jealous....

i have only one solid friend from my school. but we dont really do anything together. we used to early in the semester, but then she got a part time job and likes going to the city a lot so the only times i hang out / talk to her is either before during or after class. then she takes the bus or gets picked up by her parents. and i totally understand its not her fault and all but it just gets so beyond lonely having to go to the gym alone, to the library, to get food. and i also totally get how sometimes i have to be independent and do stuff alone and all this and that and i do love it. i do prefer doing things by myself most times but it truly, truly does get lonely. 

then when i go home, i just basically do homework and facetime my bf which is great because i only see him once a week now. but while he’s talking to our friends and im not, i get bored a lot. and of course he doesnt just talk to them the whole time, we talk as well, but yea. its so hard to explain i dont even know. my girl friends who i have known since grammar school and used to talk to on the daily dont talk to me anymore. one of them literally just cut me off but then i picked it back up but ever since then it hasnt been the same. the other one is my absolute bff, but she goes to a different school as well and shes always busy with something and she lives somewhat of a drive, so we dont really talk much either bc college and life has gotten us. but i miss them. so much. its really hard for me to make an actual friendship with another girl, because i dont know. guys too. so basically i cant make friends in general. but i miss them with all my dear heart and soul but even when i try to text them they reply either hours late or hardly reply, and its annoying and hurts so i just stopped trying

then i have another close guy friend outside of my og group. ive known him since grammar school as well even though we didnt go to the same one. anyways i would talk to him every other day and it was really nice and he was and is just such a great friend but since college we dont talk at all anymore because he has a crazy schedule and all and he travels miles to go see his gf (who i LOVE) and theyre so great im so so happy for him and everything. but yea i just miss talking to him every now and then but i understand and respect his priorities and im just really happy hes happy

so basically point of those two paragraphs is.... i get lonely. i want friends. i dont need them of course. but i do want friends. my only friend from school doesnt always want to do the stuff i want to do. it took me to convince her to play pool with me in the game room. and then to go to the gym together took less time. but she has never eased up to the offer of playing basketball, which i would love love love to do and it would bring me so so so much joy to just ball up every day or every other day after class, but i cant go alone. i wouldnt feel comfortable, because its all older dudes that go there and i would feel so attacked. i feel attacked just when im walking on campus and pass by (some) guys. i love when my bf brings me to school with him because all we do is play basketball and eat and that is all i want to do, and i wish i had someone to do that with at school.

furthermore... since college.. or well... since prom weekend of senior year.. ive been so exposed to parties and alcohol and drugs. not always physically, but mentally. the very thought of parties or consuming alcohol or using drugs has tried to pop up in my life so many times this school year. and i was never a “party” party person. never. and of course im not saying im better than those who party or drink or smoke, im just saying i wasnt made for it. ive always preferred being at a house or a chill place where my friends and i can have simple fun like board games or video games or basketball or football or just talking. i take so much passion in simple things. thats why i love my group of friends from hs. they have so much pure fun and it warms my heart and soul and makes me love them from now til eternity. 

anyways, i feel so uncomfortable about alcohol and drugs. when i was younger all of my uncles would get stupid drunk and get all crazy and it used to scare me. it honestly tramautized me. one of my uncles would get drunk so much and so bad; my family used to have a lot of family parties and of course, ppl drank. my uncle would get really drunk and just sit in the hallway downstairs, and i would obviously have to use the bathroom or get food or talk to my mom or something and would have to pass by him, and he would stop me and sit me down. I’ll never forget how he wreaked of alcohol and it made my stomach turn. and he’d put his hand over my shoulder and say something like “aj you know you are so pretty” and it would make me so uncomfortable. he never did anything awfully awful to me thank god but the amount of unease he made me feel made me terrified and angry at what alcohol does to a person. then my uncle would lecture me for thirty minutes, sometimes an hour at most. and i would be trapped because he literally wouldnt let me leave. he would be telling me about how schools important, how i have to finish school before getting a boyfriend. i couldnt get a boyfriend before finishing school, because that was bad, a sin. he throw in “youre pretty” in there so much. and it was just awful. i was tramautized. i hated it. i remember my older girl cousin who went through the same thing told me to get out of it is to say i have my period and i’ll be free- it worked. then there’s a long laundry list of how many people in my family have problems with alcohol. and i hate it. i hate what it is capable of doing to people. if you have it in moderation, thats great, but if youre excessive... please just don’t.

drugs was never a friend to me either. specifically smoking. i dont know why, i just dont like it. i wasnt exposed to it as much as alcohol which is maybe why the very idea of people wanting to smoke seems so odd to me. idk. i guess its more like i have no desire whatsoever to try and do it or make it a thing for myself and then when i see others or loved ones doing it i feel confused and i begin to question them whereas im really questioning myself. i guess the only time i’d smoke or drink is with my truly beloved ones. other than that, never. never would it ever cross my mind.  i remember when i was in a bad place end of freshman and beginning of sophomore year i wanted to drink i wanted to smoke. i wanted to forget about what was making me mentally feel pain. i remember going to seaside heights during that time and running into one of my better girl friends whom i previously mentioned and we bought hookah pens, and we smoked the shit out of that. i thought it was awesome. i thought it was the shit - it really wasnt. afterwards i was just like....ok..... wtf am i doing. i had no idea why i was doing that. i felt so weird. i didnt know my stance on anything. i was so confused. i remember trying to smoke weed with one of my then friends. he was so hyped about it, i was whatever about it. i just wanted to forget forget forget. idk what happened, but i didnt go. i didnt do it. and to this day, i really do think that was God’s work. He knew that that wasn’t what i really wanted or needed, even in my most darkest time, and God helped me resist. it blows my mind. then freshman sophomore and beginning of junior year i used to hang out with my grammar school friends A LOT. like a lot. and i vividly remember how many times i stayed upstairs in the living room watching tv with my other friend or two while everyone else was downstairs smoking. i remember feeling so out of place.. questioning why i was even there... then i realized it all came back to i just wanted friends thats all. thats all it was. they tried convincing me so many times to smoke or drink with them and it just never appealed to me. and this happened so many times because i kept going back to them and back to them and eventually i just felt like i was weird. i felt like i was the one who had the problem.

and i still feel like that. i feel like im the one who has the issue, the weird habit. i have no desire whatsoever to try alcohol or smoke or any drug or just do anything that could potentially kill my inside organs. people become so amazed when i tell them i never smoked nor have i ever drank. and when they react like that, it makes me feel like im so weird. im so out of place. like im an alien. then i feel awful about myself and ask why im not like them and not into those normal “teenager” things. when people talk about college and crazy parties and blacking out and passing out, it makes me feel like im somehow obligated to live up to those standards and i feel so restricted and a little guilty or sad i guess. because i dont do any of that. i do my homework, watch youtube videos, netflix, laugh at them, cry about them, hang out with my boyfriend and friends, and we play board games and laugh and not really cry but yeah and i do everything so simple but it means the entire world to me and makes me who i am and it makes me feel so weird and out of place when put against the standards of teenage years or young adult years and i dont know what to do with myself or how to come about it. my bf drinks only with family and sometimes friends but not much he knows his limits and i love how i can trust him and everything but gosh i get so worried.. like everything i ever learned about drugs and alcohol and then everything ive experienced with drugs and alcohol... it makes me feel so uneasy but i have help myself understand that he is not me, he does not want to stay away from all that, he wants to try it and experience that teenage young adult standard and thats his choice and as long as hes safe and loyal, which i know he is, there’s nothing wrong at all. i am still learning that. in theology my professor explained how love requires accepting the other person for who they are and compromising. love requires sacrifice. and you must choose to love. and that is what im doing for him, because i love him. same goes to my family. my not so younger cousin just started smoking, and i was shocked and honestly felt somewhat betrayed because we were the ones who were left from that whole life, but i love my cousin. so i accept him for what he’s chosen to do.

it’s been a crazy year for me, and though ive rambled on for paragraphs i still feel like i havent gotten all of it out. but this has helped. most definitely. im still trying to figure myself out. and im still trying to learn to accept others for what they choose because that is love. 

one thing i will always carry on with the rest of my life is my sophomore year latin teacher. she didnt know any latin, nor did me or my class. one day we werent doing work and my classmates and i loved talking to her and asking questions because she was so smart and insightful and awesome. my classmate asked her something about drugs and alcohol. like whats the craziest thing shes done or something, and my teacher’s reply was “never done it” and everyone was shocked, including myself. and my classmate was dumbfounded and said, “never?? youre lying” and my teacher simply said, “nope, never felt the need to.” and i found that to be the most profound thing ever. it made me realize that i didnt need to bring drugs and alcohol in my life, thats when i realized that it was not necessary. i realized i didnt need that to be cool or smart or accepted, because she was all of that. she’ll never know, but she really changed my life perspective by saying that. i hope someday i’ll come to peaceful terms with what i’ve chosen and stand by. i think i’ll be on the way there soon.

if anyone made it this far, i love you. so so much. this is why i love this website. this community this fanbase. you are all so caring and loving and helpful and genuine and just awesome. thank you for following me, just standing by me and reading what ive rambled on for pages basically. i hope someday i can update you guys by saying, “i did it.”