#> I sincerely apologize for the wall of text - I am not an eloquent person by nature but I much prefer clarity over brevity

[msmc-796-official]

Okay, okay, one question at a time. It appears Phoenix wasn't kidding when she described your enthusiasm. It's endearing, really.

First: how am I.

I'm doing well - the calibration process went smoothly, and the weight distribution is satisfactory. My precision with small arms fire still isn't quite where I want it to be, but overall everything is very well coordinated and doesn't feel too bulky or slow for my reflexes. I've not tested my prosthetic in my Caliban just yet (our sparring match with CMC will be a good test of this), but between your modifications and Slipshod's mods on the Caliban itself to account for the new arm, I have full faith that it will function as intended, if not better.

Second: my pilot history.

I have been a pilot from a very young age, and have served faithfully under MSMC's employ for approximately 12 years. 2 of those years were spent as a cadet undergoing orientation, with the remaining 10 dedicated entirely to the service of MSMC-796 "Heaven's Fury". I have served as squadron commander for three years now.

The Caliban was a natural choice for someone of my skillset, unfortunate as that connotation is to me now. The Caliban, at its core, is a frame designed to kill people very, very quickly. I used to be very, very good at killing people (and I still am, though these days I am out of practice and much less proud of it), and this frame has only exacerbated those tendencies. It was not my first frame - I have piloted both an Everest and a Sherman in the past - but it is the frame I have chosen as my own. (Slipshod says I should try piloting an Empakaii at some point. The very notion is ridiculous.)

As you well know, my original Caliban frame, Sudden Intervention, was slagged during the events of the Fireman Saga. Slipshod has since printed me a new one, complete with upgrades and new equipment befitting my LL9 status: From The Ashes We Rise.

Third: how to be like me.

This... is a difficult question to answer.

Perhaps you have heard the rumors about my past - that I was born and raised on Ras Shamra. That I used to work under the employ of Harrison Armory as a Colonial Legionnaire. That I was actively deployed on the Dawnline Shore as part of a combat squadron.

These rumors are all true, I'm afraid.

I was indeed a Legionnaire not all that long ago, and I have been an active participant in untold atrocities best not mentioned publicly. It is a piece of my identity that I have tried to bury the best I can (with mixed results) and make what peace I can with. MSMC was my chance to leave a miserable existence as an anthrochauvinist pawn behind and make a fresh start, free of my ties to the Armory... and, I'm ashamed to say, protected from the brunt of Union's wrath by the intricate contracts drafted by the MSMC legal teams.

It is a minor miracle that MSMC saw me fit to lead a squadron of my own accord, and it is no accident that I was paired with members with drastically different affiliations - Phoenix being a native of IPS-N airspace, Slipshod being an ex-HORUS operative. It took quite some time before I came around to their particular way of thinking, and even longer to feel like a worthy squadron commander. It is with their help that I have begun to make reparations for my bloodstained past, and the fact that someone like you views me as a role model - something to be aspired to, even - is admittedly rather bittersweet.

I was not a good person for a very, very long time. That I am seen as one now is a testament to how much one is capable of changing as a person, provided they are willing to ask others for help along the way and put in dedicated, genuine effort.

Last: advice for an aspiring lancer. I'll try to keep this brief for you; I understand this has been a lot to take in.

Your mech is your partner, for better or for worse. While I cannot speak to the experience of piloting alongside an NHP, your mech is as much a living, thinking entity as you the pilot. Two bodies, one purpose. Treat it with respect, and it will serve you well.

Heed your squadmates' judgements, even if you disagree. You will never quite see things the same way they do, and external opinions are infinitely valuable in the face of uncertainty and doubt.

It's never too late to change who you are. I trust this point requires no further explanation than what I have provided already.

Most importantly - stay true to yourself. There is nothing more miserable than becoming locked into a set of ideals and beliefs that inherently are not "you", especially for someone else's sake. I learned this lesson the hard way. I can only hope you will not have to.

-- Lockbreaker

> Greetings, Gray. This is Lockbreaker of MSMC-796 speaking-

// Oh, don't be so formal, Kennedi! Gray knows full well who you are. We're on a first-name basis. Good to see you again, by the way!

> Hmph. But yes, hello, Gray. Phoenix has informed me that she has promised you a meet-and-greet with me after my prosthesis calibration was complete. I have indeed completed said calibration, and while this initial decision was made while I was not yet coherent enough to consent, I'm willing to humor it for her sake.

// RUDE! I had that prosthesis custom commissioned for you, and now you have the nerve to-

> That was a joke, Phoenix. I'm more than happy to chat with Gray. It's an honor to get to meet the talented mechanic behind my new arm (even if they did, by Slipshod's request, put flames on it).

// ...if you say so. But yeah, here's Kennedi, as promised - if you wanna ask questions, go right ahead. I'd love to stay and chat too, but I actually have to go here in a bit - we've got a new round of recruits coming by later and Upper Management wants me to go do my PR spiel to welcome them in. See you two later!

> Aaand there she goes. Well then. Now that it's just the two of us, I suppose I'm an open book. I'm sure you have questions for me; go ahead and ask, and I'll answer to the best of my ability.

-- Angel & Lockbreaker

+ Oh Ra, okay, uhm-- okay okay, so— Sorry, one moment, this is really cool— I don't mean to fanboy, I've just been really amped for this meeting!!

+ I mean, obviously, first and foremost- How are you? How has your recovery been? I know you're in fantastic company, and that your squad has been so worried, so I bet that's been really nice- And how is the arm treating you? Did my advice on stump care help at all, and how's the weight distribution? Trying to make something to interface with a mech like yours, with the requests Slipshod made, without making it so heavy that it causes muscle fatigue was a very fun challenge. And I like the flames! I drew the decal myself.

+ As for uhmm- slightly less personal questions? I wanted to ask- how did you settle on your Caliban? Was it your first frame, or did you try a few? And how old is it, or, better yet, how long have you been piloting? Did you attend an academy, or was your training on the field? See, I guess I'm- moreso looking for a crash-course on-- well, not "how to be you," but I admire you, really, a lot- and I want to set myself up for success.

+ Maybe it's better to ask; Do you have any advice for an aspiring Lancer?

[lynsunrise]

Sanditon, Sidney, Charlotte,my love

As time passes I feel like I just have to do something to emphasize the influence that Sanditon has on me. I simply feel that the time has come when it’s nearly a crime to be silent and not to tell how I feel about it. It is just my personal humble opinion. The way I feel. And. It is so hard to express one's feelings when they are so passionate but I want to try my best. That’s the least I can do to express my gratitude to all those people who brought Sanditon to life.

There are some spoilers in my text. I say this because to upset somebody is what I am most afraid of at the moment. So I have seen four episodes so far.

Let me then begin with the first episode. I will base my praise on my impressions that are as if carved in my heart and are always before my eyes. The moment when someone falls in love… I have read a few lines from an interview of the wonderful Theo James and I can remember that he was saying about that we always wonder how it happens, how does it happen – falling in love. Maybe Sanditon with its amazing cast and story can draw the curtain aside a bit and let us take a closer look at the one of the greatest mysteries of life that will never be solved. And thank God it will not.

The very first episode when Charlotte enters the Trafalgar House and sees that picture. What is it then that’s happening with us as well? I can say that I want to have the same picture on the wall in my home, a copy, to be able to adore it and feel constantly inspired. That picture of Sidney Parker is magnificent. Especially those eyes. They caught her eyes at once. It isn’t simply a picture of a “very good-looking” young man with that air of fashion, elegance, it is so much more. We cannot tell yet what but we know it. That person from the picture looks at you finding out everything about you but not saying anything about himself. In an interview there was said that Theo James makes Sidney Parker have the mysterious atmosphere when you never know what he’s really thinking and it is truly amazing because I keep thinking even of that picture and I think I can see a beautiful soul of the man but clouded with thick mystery. He knows everything about you, penetrates your heart, you know nothing about him but are drawn to his aura. 

And then the beautiful loveliest Charlotte meets Sidney, a real human, that very one from the picture. And the way she feels, the way she compares the real human to his image…

Here I must say that Rose Williams is just like a rose that began to grow inside my heart right away from the moment I saw her for the first time  because I didn’t know about her before Sanditon.  

Her loveliness is disarming, totally. Her intelligence, naivety, sincerity, her pure soul are everything! Charlotte is so unique. So unique. The brightness of her reacting to the world around her is adorable. Every smile is a gift.

And then she sees Sidney from the distance at first and then he comes closer and jumps out of the carriage and we all see the tall handsome man of such a statuesque beauty that it takes one's breath away. He is so alive! Lively, bright, witty, a bit sarcastic, abrupt but the most charming and attractive of all.  He is also gloomy, moody, pensive, thoughtful. He is sincere, he is elegant.

We can also see it at the ball, at the beginning. But we can only guess what is going on inside his soul. We see how unbelievably magnetic and handsome he is, like a burning dark flame, a dark fire that is impossible to avoid and so hard to see through. But at the same time his soul is so absolutely honest, boyish in a good way (when he at once begins to talk to Charlottte when answering her question), this combination of genuine interest and somber cloud around him. A self-made serious reserved man and a fiery passionate young one – two in one. This is a completely romantic combination.

Definitely. We are so lucky to be able to enjoy watching Sanditon. We, romantic people. Sidney Parker is the definition of the mysterious nature of the man, exactly the one who can thrill. Those expressive eloquent dark eyes and expressive eyebrows and that dazzling smile are capable of melting down an iceberg. Charlotte Heywood is the definition of a free heart, loving heart and her loveliness and sincerity are remarkable, and she is so beautiful ant true to her soul, I cannot imagine anyone else in this whole world playing her instead of Rose Williams. Such a Jewel, treasure, oh my God! And I cannot imagine anyone else on Earth besides Theo James playing Sidney Parker.

I keep returning to the second episode when we see Sidney appear on that busy street, and the atmosphere suddenly changes. Now I am able to think only of romance. He is there, talking to Tom, and we see how different the brothers are, and I cannot help noticing that in spite of all he has been through that hardened his outer shell of the heart there is always something so adorable and boyish in good ways in his whole atmosphere. Something so genuine. I guess he is the kind of person that “When he loves he LOVES, he cannot love by halves” and I suppose it is the same with Charotte. So I am so thrilled and excited about what might come next. And when she was apologizing to him because of her words at the ball I was staring so intensely at them, and when she said “think too badly of me” he was as if relieved because he maybe was beginning to feel too moved by her or so, and there he found a way to distance himself but I may be mistaken. I see in him something so adorably vulnerable and painfully vulnerable too, especially it was easily seen in his eyes, written on his face at the end of the painful and beautiful episode 4. The way he was looking at her, so shocked I shall never forget. His eyes when she said the word “slavery”…I felt a pang in my heart.  He was so hurt. So hurt. If only he could then explain everything to her but it couldn’t be.

So far, the episode 3 gave us the most blessed happy moments of theirs. And I can say that I have already watched each a hundred times. The beginning is a masterpiece, we see that picture again and this time it is like Charlotte's confidant in what she saw at the coves and there is something in her eyes…I do not even know how I should name that emotion. Something so secret, subtle, tender, infatuating. When the passion was far more hidden but by being so it was unbelievably strong, genuine if we speak about Love... This scene. Something like a rare diamond that by being discovered shined dazzlingly. Something so truly human, beautiful, mysterious and inspiring. True sensibility, it is so powerful, so charged with sensualism. When she shares the secret yet unknown to herself with those eyes of Sidney…

This is most romantic, teasing for the heart and amusing how they meet during that day. And then that accident where they get to know each other better and be amazed once again. Then the splendid witty dialogue of theirs. I am swept off my feet by its chemistry and intensity. Incandescenting. Beauteous. You look at them and smile and screw up your eyes because they are bright like the Sun. And other moments…And of course that stroll along the beach. Unforgettable. The impression from this scene will never vanish from my heart. Especially that smile, “Admiral Heywood”…. Also the voices… I cannot find enough words to express how I adore this beautiful delicious British accent. Especially when I hear the voice of Theo James. Actually I am listening to all actors with the utmost admiration, the language is like a sweet melody. English is not my native language, and I try my best to express my great admiration for it.

I enjoy, savour every dialogue, every line, scenery, costume, glance.

There is such a wide variety of beautiful things for eyes to notice, look at and admire, examine.

The landscapes and even the weather, even the coolness of the air, all is perceivable. You close your eyes and in a grey cold windy evening imagine walking along that sandy shore. And if Charlotte is walking there shivering with cold, the contrast between the cool air and the fire of a kiss is head spinning and breathtaking, and no cold can compete with the fire of that kiss…If it could be there, near the sea... But it is just my fantasy…the way the film influences my thoughts…

When I am watching Sanditon I feel absolutely “safe” because I know I feel the presence of this solid Script like a guardian standing behind it. And I know we are in good hands. This is such a relief. When you can rely on the perfect script.

I also adore the brilliant splendid sense of humor that we can see coming from many characters, it is as if they are radiating it without even intending, it is the way they are. For example when Tom Parker pretended to be seriously impressed by the impropriety of Arthur's conduct at the table when the latter took the famous pineapple…And Charlotte and Mrs. Parker couldn’t help laughing, smiling. It was adorable. 

The sincerity I can see in every scene. True adoration, surprise, infatuation, admiration.

I feel that I will rewatch the series over and over again to be able to discern all possible details not only in human emotions but in the historical atmosphere of the Regency period. Through the series I will understand it better and feel like living in it for a moment. Studying all the wonderful details. All is created with such historical accuracy, care, love and knowledge!

Those eyes of Sidney when he said “Forgive me” in the third episode are forever in my heart.

These beautiful lines, this amazing script. My head is full of the dialogues from the film, each intonation, each lowering of the voice is imprinted on my mind as if a design on wax. Sanditon imprinted a kiss of Love and fascination on my very soul. On the core of my heart.

Thank you!

[jinxedncharmed]

I can’t even begin to dissect what happened today so I’ll sum up.

Last night I saw a great author who brought up many interesting and engaging topics. I knew MC would love to chew over them and was excited to tell him about it. We’d had a really good day and I was feeling close to him, and I was excited to share the discussions with him.

This morning I happily started to tell him about the author but he returned some weak put downs and said he was too busy to talk about anything. I was really struck by some of his belittling comments that, to me, seemed judgmental about my intelligence, suggesting the author was a fraud and i’d fallen for “clickbait,” despite him not letting me explain. He even made a rude comment, “You didnt give this guy money, did you?” Flustered, I said “Fuck you,” and went about my business. Not a harsh, hateful “fuck you,” more flippant. I was annoyed and it deflated my excitement, but I got to work.

At lunch we had to play a stupid game at my idiot Boss’s insistence. The game involved two teams (men vs women) and cards with either positive personality traits or negative ones. The goal was for each team to design two imaginary “dates” for the person sitting out the round (we all took a turn sitting out) using two positive cards. Then the opposite team would add one negative card to try to torpedo the dates. Everyone votes silently on who the person sitting out will choose. The person picks, votes revealed, points awarded. MC successfully destroyed my initial favorite date by telling his coworker “That negative card. Don’t even sell it. I have personal experience.” The card was “They are always drunk.” I refrained from getting in a row about it, but noticed he got wrong which date I picked. (All my dates sucked, the negative cards were really bad.) When it was his turn to sit out, the shitty positive cards didn’t allow my team to build the winning date, but I was the only one in the group who successfully voted for his choice.

Near the end of the day, I’m sitting working when MC returns from a meeting, takes a deep breath, and says, “Ok, one more thing.” Then he turns to me and says, “This morning you said “fuck you” to me. And that really hurt me.“ Shocked, completely mentally drained by the long week, and feeling exposed because everyone can fucking hear us, i take a moment to come to the correct response, which is a carefully worded and i hope sincere apology. (My first instinct, of course, was to fight him. My second instinct was to mock him.)

Then we get involved in a long conversation that, for me at least, is intensely personal and intimate. He says, no fewer than THREE fucking times, that he “really values our relationship,” which was a fucking dagger to my heart each time he said it. He said that in the morning he was really stressed about all he needed to do and two big meetings he had, and i didnt know what might be going on in his personal life that might be adding stress. His specific example was “Maybe I had a fight with [wife],” to which I said, “Dude, don’t fight with [wife].” I can’t look at him through this whole talk, I shoot quick glances but it’s too intense and I’m too exposed in this fucking quad, so I keep busy organizing an exam box for processing and avoid a lot of eye contact.

I explained that his comments in the morning sounded, to me, like he was making fun of me and insulting me. I said I didn’t get the message that he was busy and stressed, and he could have been more clear, because what I heard and therefore reacted to was “you’re stupid.” I said I had been really stoked to discuss the author, and i was confused by his reaction, because the day before had been fun. “You sometimes are hot and cold,” I said. “Yesterday was fun, and i shared something really private with you. I felt close to you, and then today I felt this solid wall between us, and it confuses the hell out of me.” He said that people had given him that feedback before, and he was trying to work on it. It made me concerned, because he had specifically said he has been told he’s “moody and snippy” when he’s drunk, and i didn’t want to bring in my fears about his drinking. So I backed off that, and instead said something else intensely private again. “I know you’re facing stress here at work,” I started.

“I don’t know why,” he said, “it’s not like these exams matter to me, I don’t care about CE. I shouldn’t get so invested, but now I’ve been here a year and I feel like I have a stake in things.”

“That detachment is something I really admire about you,” I said. “You know how i get wrapped up in everything, I let all the drama here eat me up. And I’m sure my anxiety and stress affects you, it must.” This whole time I’m ruffling papers, my heart is pounding, I’m holding in tears. It’s too intimate, and everyone can fucking hear us. But I forge on and say, “I don’t believe in auras or anything stupid like that, but I have been told I exude this energy, that I can walk in to a room and completely change the mood, usually for the worse. I don’t mean to. How can I help it if I’m so black inside it hurts others? Without me even speaking? But I’ll try to control my stress around you, because I don’t want to drag you down with me.”

He was quiet and clearly thinking about that. Then the conversation turned to work, the exams, the uncertainty, the lack of restructure and the workload dumped on me. Things start to get a little personal again. We talk about misunderstandings, how it’s hard to read people. “I’m very bad at that,” I said, which is pretty fucking obvious. “Relationships are hard,” he says. I cringe at his use of that word and answer, “That’s why I don’t have any. It’s too hard, I can’t take it.”

At this point my idiot Boss comes over and makes a big announcement about how she’s been listening to this conversation and it’s so long and personal but she wants to say she appreciates how hard we are working and how we have stepped up to the plate now that MC’s boss has left.

I bet she is a master cockblocker.

So then the conversation focuses more on work, so the intimacy is truly broken, and MC takes over talking to the idiot, while I bury myself in the box, and i realize there’s a big error I have to sort out. By this point I am overwhelmed; the intense, intimate conversation with MC, the humiliation of everyone hearing it, the visual clutter of the work I’m doing, idiot Boss’s inane droning, and the stress of this year all combine and just fucking break me.

I interrupt her and announce to MC there’s a problem with the box and i need his help in solving it. He takes the hint and leaves off with the idiot, graciously digging through a recycling bin to help me out, which makes me feel terrible that he’s doing so, unasked and unprompted, at least it’s recycling and not garbage. He finds one missing page, and i manage to rectify the two other problems on my own. But I’ve had it and I’m stressed. I can’t take it. I decide the only thing I can do to improve the situation is handle the visual clutter, so I start going through all the papers, notes. Post-its, toys, office supplies, meds, and everything on the desk. And because I’m panicking I start narrating it softly to myself, “You can throw this away, this can go in the drawer, this you can handle Monday, put this stack over here…”

At some point MC’s run off and the idiot Boss is talking animatedly with her lapdog and the new girl M about a team Halloween costume, which I immediately declare I won’t participate in. The noise of the conversation bothers me but I can’t address it. So I straighten up my desk, get everything set for Monday, and flee, telling them to have a good weekend. M calls out that I can call or text her; I reply that I’m going home to a nervous breakdown and a good cry. I flee through the kitchen to where MC is talking to a coworker, so I tell them both goodbye and add to him “Sorry, again, yeah ok.” So eloquent.

Jesus. This is Andy all over again. I have no idea how to manage these emotions. I mentally cannot handle this. I was just so floored when he said to me I’d hurt him. That he’d be so open in front of those people, and he expected me to be as well. And i was. The whole office got to hear a drunk with marital problems and an emotionally stunted bitch attempt to have an intimate discussion about feelings. My god, if I make it to Iceland, I’m throwing myself off a fjord.

When I got home, M had texted me:

“You need to hear this before you go down a dark path. I listened to every word that transpired and what I heard was someone who cares very deeply for you. Enough to talk to you about his hurt feelings. You don’t have that kind of real talk if you don’t care about the person. It may not be romantic, but it’s real to him. I know it was unpleasant to have that kind of conversation, but I think good things that needed to be said (him being hot and cold) were said.”

I texted her back and she continued,

“You handled it really well. My only criticism would be to let him feel appropriately bad about some of his behavior antics. Don’t let him off the hook for being a moody little pussy sometimes. He was acknowledging it, so let him acknowledge it. You really did handle it well. I was quite impressed. But I know you’re in your head right now, which is okay, but just know that from where I sat, that was actually a very positive interaction. Again - you don’t have those types of conversations (dead sober, presumably) if you don’t care for the person.”

Christ. What a fucking embarrassment. How can I go back there and know that my entire team heard that deeply intimate, unhappy conversation? And what did all of that shit even mean? How can I fucking face him? At least I have plenty to keep me busy, I’m going to be balls to the wall for the next two weeks before my trip.

I’m going to get through this. I’m not going to make the mistakes I did with Andy. This is a work friendship. I mean, the word “friendship” doesn’t do it justice. But I can’t keep thinking “relationship.” There just is no word for it. But I mean, this isn’t love. It will never be that. I have to keep that perspective. No matter what.

He does not love me. Do not allow yourself an iota of hope. Hope will kill me. Hope is the enemy. You are his friend, so be his friend. Don’t enable his drinking, but be his friend. Make amends for Andy. Make good choices this time. Choose the middle path. And remember:

No matter how much he “values our relationship,” he will never love you.