#<- i guess? hard to believe people would use that tag unironically.

[erufin-art]

My Game Theory is that Satan from the Old Testament (Simply one of God's angels whose job it was to accuse humanity in front of him and be their enemy, thus his name) fell from heaven between the Testaments because he got angry at God for constantly forgiving people

[utilitycaster]

(Long ask warning)

Hello! I'm jumping on the appreciation train to say thank you so much for all of your meta and analysis! I just found your blog today, and you've already given me so much clarity and context for things I've been noticing in the CR fandom lately.

I quite literally spent my summer living under a rock (in the woods leading spelunking for scouts!) and so was completely out of the loop from early June through September. And while I am not yet caught up (I'm about to start ep. 65), I have been going through the tags and ao3, because I primarily engage with fandom through fic and I don't care about spoilers. And I can't help but notice that everything being written for c3 lately is just... monochromatic. The Hells have such interesting characters and premises. One would think they're ripe for creative and interesting fic. And yet even what little gen fic that I have seen since returning to civilization has largely been boiled down to reiterative mush with vaguely shippy overtones. I can totally see this being indicative of the cresting and waning of the Imodna and Callowmore shipping you've been discussing.

I've gotta ask though, is it really just shipping that is causing this problem? Or is there something else in the source material that you think could be affecting fic in particular?

This is the first time I've been in a fandom with ongoing source material in over a decade. I'm used to watching people beat dead horses in their own little corner, safe in the knowledge that I can block them and it isn't going to affect my experience in the slightest. I guess I'm just having a hard time believing/remembering that shipping can be this incidious.

So a couple of things: first, I was not heavily involved in fandom until Critical Role; I have a decent amount of background knowledge from being on Tumblr and because I do tend to look into/research this kind of thing because it's very interesting to me, but you will probably have better snapshot of what fandom looked like 10 years ago than I do. Second, fanfic has always been a tiny aspect of what I've engaged with and I do find the bulk of it to be dull and samey (which is why it is a tiny aspect), so again, you probably are a better judge of the quality of fanfic elsewhere.

With that said, as part of a much larger discussion of which I only have as mentioned pieces of the puzzle, I do think there's been a shift over the past decade or so of like...people expecting the source material to reflect fanfic-y desires, and resenting it when it does not; people not seeing the point in enjoying non-canon ships; and a broader theme of self-infantilization. This has to a small extent spilled over into published fiction, though thankfully there's plenty that isn't that. It's not just shipping (though that absolutely can be insidious to the point that people have been harassed and doxxed over it); I think it's a general taste for pablum that has been growing within fandom spaces.

I'll link a few posts I've made and a source that, while I cannot vouch for it per se I did read and found enlightening at the end but I think a really indicative example as of late was the fandom response to the show Good Omens (spoilers for Good Omens S2 in the next link if you are by any chance avoiding those). Obviously do not do anything obnoxious to the person who wrote this question, but there are a worrying number of people in fandom spaces who believe this unironically and uncritically: fiction exists to "save us from hurtful reality." And I do understand that the tumultuous politics and world events of the past decade are probably a factor; but I mean, have you looked at literature from the first half of the 20th century (or like. the second half, for that matter)? It is, in my opinion, only going to help put our modern world and issues in better context and honestly make you feel better in the long run if you read, say, The Great Gatsby or The Things They Carried instead of burying your head in lower case song lyrics ... (hurt/comfort, fix-it, happy ending, 6k) and like, to be clear, I have written a small portion of lower case song lyric-titled fics myself but most of them aren't terribly happy, and even so, god I'd be horrified if that was all people were reading.

We've seen it across fandom at large with the polls; I have not watched season 2 of Our Flag Means Death in part because I've realized with horror that this mentality has swept, plague-like, through that fandom; people are acting like having a canon queer ship on a small premium cable show in 2022 is world-changing and unprecedented while also kind of ignoring everything that isn't the central ship (including valid criticisms of how this takes a real-world plantation owner and turns him into a goofy fop, how there's precious few female characters and none in the main cast, and how the actually far more groundbreaking nb character is pushed aside in favor of the core M/M ship). Spoilers for Good Omens again (sorry in advance, Good Omens 2 was a realization point for me how deeply and widely this rot has set in in some places and I have a bunch of sources of people being like "guys stories require conflict and tension to be good" in response to the overwrought moaning that the story wasn't unambiguously happy) but this is another author responding to the "the desired endpoint of all fiction is obviously to have your ship living in a small house together in bliss and anything else is torment" mentality.

In addition to shipping another factor is, I think, people overidentifying with characters and as such being reluctant to actually put them through any sort of hardship, however minor. I recently reblogged a post about the origin of the concept "Mary Sue" and it led me to read a bit about its history, because it was in fact created by women. It was a woman in the Star Trek fandom who was sick of spending money to buy fanzines (pre-common home internet, let alone pre-Ao3) only to find the vast majority of the stories to be this "here is my self-insert who is perfect and beautiful and pure and every other character thinks she is the greatest even if that's entire OOC". It was a frustration with the abandonment of the characterizations in the original work. And that's true today - I have read a popular Imogen and Laudna fluff fic to see what the deal was and it stripped out so much of their premises and characterizations it was unrecognizeable as them but for the hair colors and occasional cringeworthy attempts to replicate Southern US dialect - but what was notable is that those people were at least being honest and writing OCs (though to be fair a lot of them were also young white teen girls and the only woman in TOS was black and that was probably also a factor). Now, you get people who cannot tolerate any analysis of characters that is less than flattering because instead of having an OC, they are identifying so strongly with, for example, Imogen or Ashton, that they cannot separate out the real character or understand this is not an attack on them (or, to be blunt, as someone who sees some of my own worse traits in both those characters, a necessary critique). It's not shipping, but it is that same "fiction should only ever be a soft blanket or a flattering mirror, never a dark mirror and certainly never a door" mentality.

I do place a little blame on fanfiction itself; I think having something that is roughly made to order and tells you exactly what it is up front means people start to think that is the only way, and that's why we have people claiming Chipotle is the height of cuisine while making gagging noises at the authentic Mexican restaurant except for fiction. I think fanfiction can be great; it's fun to write and I have read some great pieces. But a lot of it is mush and formulaic and as that Mary Sue history points out, always has been.

So anyway, to Bells Hells: I think past campaigns also had a lot of dull fanfiction; I think the Nein lent themselves more to poorly written angst than poorly written fluff but yeah a lot of that was really samey and bland in its own way. Fanfiction has always been formulaic to a degree but I think we're starting to see the generation of people who really have read more of that than like, books, and sure there are shitty books, but man there's a LOT of shitty fanfiction, and increasingly, I find that shitty published books are bad because they're too much like fanfiction. [If I get the chance today I have a post I want to write about the ignorance of fantasy tropes in the current fandom which I think is also driving some of this and which I alluded to in my post about shipping; like, I feel the almost automatic but oddly thought-free resistance to gods and fate and the 'right' way to respond to a tragic backstory comes from this ignorance; this also is a case in the D20 fandom when they've dipped into sci fi.] Shipping definitely is a factor, and I think again C3 has an influx of fans primarily here to ship in that "my ship must become canon and must 'win' for some arbitrary definition thereof" which is probably why so much of the fanfic sucks, but again, this is a larger self-infantilizing and entitled mentality that goes beyond mere ships.

Further reading (mostly my own posts but not exclusively)

The fandom echo chamber (also Good Omens spoilers in a broad sense), not by me

Some discussion on queerphobia being inserted only as a tool to assist with specific shipping narratives (I think this ties in again to like. people need obstacles to justify why the characters aren't already in their cottage by the sea but once the characters are together they discard these obstacles even if they are systemic and would still exist, which makes for really bad fanfic bc it's clearly poorly plotted and thought out)

Me on why this campaign isn't good for shipping but a lot of the fandom showed up primarily to ship (might be the post that prompted this ask tbf)

Fandom monocropping (not my post)

My treatise on Imogen and Laudna specifically which honestly, even now that they are canon, still largely holds up re: the fandom and a related one about similarly fluff-centric Change is Evil and the highest order of fiction is Two Blorbos In A House With Zero Problems mentality (not by me but I've been part of that discussion)

[goodbyeapathy8]

Hey @political-nuggets, this you hiding a love letter in the tags??

(for everyone else, TW for transphobia)

"As a Korean-American, you're not Korean"

Whew! Good thing I have you, internet stranger, to invalidate my very Korean passport! Guess I should head to the US Embassy to get a new one then? Would you be willing and able to sponsor the $1,000+ cost in getting US citizenship instead?

근데... 흠... 한국인이란걸 굳이 너 같은 애 한테 증멸할 필요가 있나 싶구나. 여튼.

As a Leo and a Dragon... everything IS about me. Especially on my Tumblr. You sound pressed and... Don't seem to understand how blogging works.

You see, on this here corner of the internet (aka my blog), I get to post up my take on things, especially the stuff I have expertise in. Namely, my own culture and how "people" like you are appropriating it for your own agenda, in addition to encouraging the fringe parts of a movement that not everyone in Korea agrees with. Including *gasp* women!

Anyway, I'm hard pressed to believe you're an actual human vs an angry random bot (hence the quotes) BUT if you were, you actually sound a lot angrier than me.

I've had a nice snacky snack today, I would suggest it for you, too, it does wonders for the constitution.

In all seriousness, I find it ironic (once again) that TERFs (unironically) show high levels of internalized misogyny. In today's example, it's the usage of "anger" as an insult.

It puzzled my autistic brain because I was not, in fact, angry posting when I put up my post about the 4B movement. But hark! As usual, misogyny is the foundation for the multiple accusations of me "sounding" "angry". (Well, in addition to racism of course but we covered that earlier.)

For a long time, hysteria was attributed to women to dismiss them (click here for info on its origin & usage) and, adjacent to hysteria, was the notion of anger (also to dismiss women as "illogical" and not capable of reason etc etc).

One can, in fact, be angry and still maintain logic + reason (unlike the tagged user, who illustrates multiple logical fallacies).

I'd write more but this is already another long post from me. Spent the time to post this because of the last bit about hysteria and anger, not because I thought TERF bot was worth spending time on.

Would send you a plant if I had money (because I don't think you'd actually touch grass) but it sounds like you're already having a tough time with your day so... pretend like I did! XOXO 😘

[erithel]

Hunk anon here. Fandom content is too good and the show content negatively impacted our memories so we just make our own content that would make sense.

Most of our content is Klance based and it’s normalized to see him as Lance or Keith’s soft teddy bear love counselor . He’s not meant to be center staged in those stories so people just characterize him in the easiest way possible. It’s hard to write him as a rude ass like he is in canon bc we don’t want anyone to be rude to Lance (anymore) or Keith and it’s hard to reconcile what we see in fanon with the reality of canon. Fanon Pidge is the same way. She’s a good hearted young girl who will apologize if she goes too far and tries to make an effort with her friends because this is the first friend group she had in her life. Canon Pidge? Hard pass.

I do wish fanon content explore more of the friend part of Klance’s rival to friends to lover relationship. Despite the fuckery with some of Keith’s s6-7 characterization (imo Keith is the most inconsistent character written on the show) Keith and Lance have a natural development as partners and you can actually see movement in the way their relationship changes. They could be one of the best duos if given a chance. Mainly cause theyre both on the same wavelength and brain length as each other haha.

But man, if my Hunk thoughts are explosive I don’t think anyone is ready for what I have to say about Shiro.

Fanon Hunk and fanon Pidge are amazing – and I hope they continue to be depicted in fanfics as they have been because that's the way it should be.

I love Hunk as the peacekeeper. I love to think of his character as the guy who would, unironically, be the one to say "seriously, can't we all just get along?"

I love Pidge as the one who noticed everything and uses that knowledge to play harmless pranks or to tease her friends. And I love, moreover, when she is portrayed as the one who will take your secret to the grave if she sees how serious it is.

I love that they are both portrayed in fanfiction as being so stubbornly and viciously loyal, the only time they become rude or inconsiderate is in defense of their friends.

Obviously, the still have their flaws, and those flaws should not be overlooked in good writing. But if they were accurately portrayed as their canon selves in fanfiction, it would be so bleak you might as well tag it "Major Character Death."

I agree about portraying friendship first. Not just for klance, but for literally all relationships. I remember a line from a book I read as a kid where the character said (something along the lines of) "I want to be with someone I like and love." I didn't understand it at the time, because I thought it was a given.

In reality, there is a huge distinction between these two, in terms of a relationship. That's why the fics that portray a klance friendship first – and an accurate and believable build towards romance – are the ones that stick with me. Because your partner should be your favorite person. They should be the one you want to spend time with – not just in a romantic or sexual setting. They should be the one you want to be with just because you like being around them, and you feel comfortable in their company. This is a huge reason why I don't ship a lot of heterosexual couples in movies and TV, because they often don't get the portrayal of friendship first. They go from the "hating" stage to the "love" stage with nothing in between. But that in between stage is literally the most important one, and it definitely should not be ignored. (And it's yet another thing that Brooklyn Nine-Nine gets right).

And...you brought up Shiro. People have commented on him before, so I'd guess there might be something that comes of that...

[emachinescat]

II've decided to watch MacGyver from the beginning (again), and I'm live tweeting the experience with every tweet tagged with #savemacgyver. I thought it would be fun to share my collected thoughts from the episodes on here as well.

My Thoughts on S1E3, "Awl"

You're not only going to make it to 30, Mac, but you're going to make it to season 6. #savemacgyver

I love that Jack's bucket list includes finishing the Harry Potter books. Guess he's not a one-trick pony after all with sci-fi. A healthy blend of science fiction and fantasy is just what the doctor ordered.

Dylan Thomas reference! That poem was written about the poet's own father, and is about how everyone, no matter who they are or what they stand for, fights against death in the end. He's begging his dad to "rage, rage against the dying of the light," to not give in to death so easily, to keep fighting. Just taught this poem, actually, so I'm vibing with this reference super hard. Though to be fair, I'd be vibing with it anyway. Love Dylan Thomas.

Oh my gosh, this is the one with the fire extinguisher and inflatable escape! I'd forgotten which episode that came from, but I see GIFs of it all over Tumblr. Poor Mac especially, that looks like it hurts. Why is Lucas Till so good at being whumped?!

Jack hugging the fire extinguisher: Iconic.

I'll never get tired of seeing that polar bear! Do we know if he has a name?

I cannot get over how small and excited Bozer is, not a care in the world except for his movie. It's exciting to think about what's to come for his character growth, though I do wish he wouldn't have to go through all the things he does. :(

Jack's conversations with his dad at the grave are just everything. And I feel cheated that we haven't gotten to see Mac have the same kind of conversations at Jack's grave (though I firmly believe it's a regular occurrence off-screen).

Seriously, the way he talks to his dad is so familiar, so comfortable, so natural. It's like Daddy Dalton is right there with him and it fills me with so many emotions that I can't even.

The smile on Jack's face and the pride in his voice when he talks about Mac to his dad is the purest thing ever.

Also, that's a big-ass tombstone Jack is leaning against.

"Hi, Mr. Dalton. How's... life?" MAC! 😂

I can't tell you how much I love it when other characters talk about how smart Mac is. "He's a genius..."

First mention of Mac's dad. It's sweet how invested Jack is in Mac rebuilding his relationship with his old man. Also, I really wish we would have gotten a flashback of Jack's dad at some point. He seems like such an amazing man.

"If I could have one more day to sit and talk to my dad instead of that hunk of rock, I'd do anything." Jaaaaaaack 😭😭😭

Good old Ralph Kastrati. Single-handedly the most annoying character in all of cable television. Y'all have no idea what you're getting into with this one, dream team.

PUNCHFACE.

"My mom dated a guy like that once." Ouch. I'm about to start a Riley Zinger Counter for each episode. Her comebacks are 🔥

It's not just his face, Jack. Everything about this dude is punchable. Especially the way he says "yo."

Ewwww tightie whities no thanks imma head hom now byyye

Mac just snatched that can right out of Jack's hand as he was about to take a drink. Classic.

If I didn't hate Ralph before (spoiler: I did), then I extra hate him for the foie gras comment.

Yes, Jack, "asshat" is the perfect descriptor for this guy.

Is Mac seriously about to just make him some noise-canceling headphones? Who am I kidding? Of course he is.

I need more of Mac punching people in the face. For science.

Poor Jack didn't get to punch the punch face.

🎵 Snipers gonna snipe, snipe, snipe, snipe, snipe 🎵

Between the foie gras and the calfskin, they are really making this guy so easy to hate just sayin'.

"As soon as you're done saving his life, I'm gonna kill him, you hear that, smart-ass? I'm already dressed for the funeral." 🤣🤣🤣🤣

"He's g-good. He just... got kinda shot." Is that the medical terminology, Mac?

Jack using country music as a form of torture 🤣

"You're going to be seeing Yelp stars if you don't shut up!"

Have I mentioned how much I love the music in this show?

"I don't wanna die listening to country music!"

I love how bossy and grabby Mac gets when he improvises.

Another belt grab! I can’t get over Jack trying to keep his crazy partner from falling out of the window – it gives me life!

Actually makes me wonder if he does it because Mac’s taken a tumble out of a car window before. *fanfic brain engaged*

“You know how I feel about your puns.” C’mon, Mac, pus are the greatest forms of humor, bar-pun. (Geddit?)

Mc made a C in biology? I’m not buying it.

Dwwwwwww the sounds of the surgery. No thanks.

Though I will say this is one of the coolest (albeit grossest) things Mac’s ever done on this show.

What the heck is with that elevator door? It took a whole 10 years to close! I wouldn’t trust it. (To be fair, I don’t trust any elevator, but that’s neither here nor there.)

Sir Bleeds-a-Lot lol

Riley stepping in and taking charge once again. No idea how these two functioned before she came along.

Some seriously cool MacGyverisms in this episode. The whole process of “killing” Ralph and bringing him back with office supplies is so OG MacGyver and it gives me all the warm fuzzies.

Ralph: “You’re not a scientist, you’re not a doctor. So how the hell do you know all this stuff?” Mac: “...I read a lot of books?” I love Mac so much.

“Now go die.” Lolololol

The moment with Ralph wanting to call his mom and grow the hell up is surprisingly genuine and heartbreaking. Character development for a character in only one episode, hello, is that you?

“He’s dead, but he’ll get better.” MacGyver, 2016

Riley’s comeback about Jack’s plan to take out six guys if Mac takes out two is another winner. (Riley: 2, Jack: 0) Still, I love the whole, “Sure it does [count as a plan]. First, I’ll take two. Then, I’ll take the other four.” This is why Mac is the plan guy, not Jack.

“Or I can take them all out.” Mac’s confidence = 🔥

I might need to start a Mac sass counter too. Jack: “You seriously want me to put this on my face?” Mac: “Only if you like breathing.”

Jack’s left fist getting jealous 🤣

They really liked choking Mac in the early episodes, didn’t they? Not that I’m complaining. Actually, why did that stop? That strangled, panicked cry of “JACK?!” is music to my fanfic writing, hurt/comfort obsessed, whump-loving soul.

That cough - it actually hurts me to hear it! They should have given us some more repercussions or aftercare for Mac breathing in that gas!

Ralph fell asleep. Of course.

“You know, it’s weird. I’m glad he’s alive… but I still want to kill him. 🤣 I’m with Jack on this one!

Ralph: “A fresh start. I could use one of those right?” Riley: “Or a whole new personality.” ZZZING!!! Riley: 1 million, the world: -10

Oh he did not just call Riley “little hottie.” I’m back to wanting to kill him, character development be darned. So diminutive, dehumanizing, and objectifying. This guy has more than won the douchebag lottery. Riley can more than stick up for herself, but still. The way he speaks to her here makes me feel all kinds of gross.

He just said “ya heard” unironically. Can we let Jack punch him now, please?

Jack offering to let Ralph keep the cash he lifted if he gets to punch him is great, but even better is Mac and Riley offering to chip in money for The Cause.

Oh, yeah, Bozer was in this episode. I’m excited for when he is utilized more!

Bozer’s monster Mac is nightmare fuel!

“A letter? That you put in the mail? It’s 2016.” Hey, as someone who has an actual, old-school type pen pal, step off, Jack.

Mac: “You just gonna watch?” Jack, offended: “Not anymore.” How is it Jack is like Mac’s dad but they also bicker like 5-year-olds? This relationship is so strange, so wonderful, and the heart of the show in so many ways. I love them.

Mac’s words of wisdom about the nature of life are actually super encouraging and exactly what I needed to hear today.

I’d forgotten how much I love this episode – t’s so fun! Although the Codex storyline in season 4 is probably my favorite plot-wise, coming back to these early episodes is like a breath of fresh air! Excellent, excellent episode with so much to offer!

What are your thoughts on "Awl?" I'd love to discuss! :)

[catpella]

Tagged by  @pyrrhesia​

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself

last 1. drink - iced chai 2. phone call - my doctor’s office 3. text message - to a friend asking when she’s coming over to watch Aggretsuko 4. song you listened to - Futatabi/Reprise, Spirited Away 5. time you cried - earlier today

ever 6. dated someone twice - yes I have (we’re still dating) 7. kissed someone and regretted it - yes (it was a few years ago) 8. been cheated on - yes (it was a decade ago) 9. lost someone special - yes  10. been depressed - yes, including today 11. gotten drunk and thrown up - yep

fave colours 12. midnight blue 13. silver 14. teal

in the last year have you… 15. made new friends - absolutely! mostly from the Ships game, a few from fandoms. some great new friends 16. fallen out of love - no but i’ve done the opposite 17. laughed until you cried - this happens a lot  18. found out someone was talking about you - which way does this mean, because there’s the “talking bad shit behind your back” and the “people talk about you like you’re awesome”. either way both have happened to me.  19. met someone who changed you - discovered parrhesia​ and i are drift-compatible 20. found out who your true friends are - you know this phrase “true friends” has always bothered me. but I have had changes in who is just acquaintances and light friends and who turns out to be ride-or-die for me, so, I guess so 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list -  hmm - only use my FB for convention group matters and my FB friends list I think only contains convention people and I’ve kissed some of them so, yeah i guess so

general 22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - see above about them being people I’ve met/know from Mysterium, so like, all of them? 23. do you have any pets - one! bailey the cat 24. do you want to change your name - I have already done this legally! it cost like $300 and was worth it! 25. what did you do for your last birthday - cake was brought to me! hung with friends! ships game and gay flirting IC! 26. what time did you wake up today - like at 11:40am and i hated it. I was briefly awakened at 8am for drains drainage.

27. what were you doing at midnight last night - probably talking to people on discord! 28. what is something you can’t wait for - short term: the drains to be out. medium-term: surgery recovery to be over.  30. what are you listening to right now - a music box album of Bee Gees music 31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - yes 32. something that’s getting on your nerves - fucking surgery recovery 33. most visited website - I really don’t want it to be Reddit or Tumblr but odds are it might be one of those. 34. hair colour - it varies, it’s like a light brown normally but I also dye it a lot 35. long or short hair - it’s shaved right now down to a 1/4″ so very short.  36. do you have a crush on someone - it is a known fact that i am often in the state of “i am ambiguous if i have a romantic or a friend crush” (so, crush or squish), and that that state can vary in intensity. right now i have two crushes of the absolutely-sure-it’s-a-crush kind, and both are of strong intensity. 37. what do you like about yourself - i think i’m real good at connecting with other people and being an emotional support for them because i’m such a strong Feelings type, maybe i’m not your best for logical advice but i’m gonna be great for you if you wanna have emotional talk 38. want any piercings? - thinking about the ears but I’m a coward 39. blood type - AB+ 40. nicknames - Cat, Cap, Cappy 41. relationship status - in a co-habiting long-term relationship, am in a state where i am open to additional relationships 42. zodiac - Aquarius Sun ( Capricorn Moon, Pisces Rising if you wanna get complicated) 43. pronouns - they/them or he/him. he/him are the ones i use at work and legally. 44. fave tv shows - Star Treks! Battlestar Galactica (1978 only). Sailor Moon (original or Crystal). 45. tattoos - none but I think about it someday 46. right or left handed - right 47. ever had surgery - a hysto and top surgery, which was last week so i’m still recovering from the latter 48. piercings - none yet because I’m a coward 49. sport - I don’t play any now but I used to do synchronized swimming. i follow the Rochester Americans in AHL hockey because they’re local, cheap to see, and hockey has great fights 50. vacation - I love to go to the beach. so please take me to a coastal city! I also unironically love going to Disney but am so over going with people who aren’t legitimately excited to go. I really wanna fucking leave the country at some point. so ideal vacation would be a coastal city in another country? 51. trainers - uh like...shoes? i have a pair of sneakers and multiple pairs of those vibram toe shoes cause they’re super comfy.

more general 52. eating - sweet things. french fries. love french fries

53. drinking - also super sweet things

54. i’m about to watch - nothing atm, but probably more Sailor Moon Crystal later this week 55. waiting for - I feel like 28 answered this? “drains to come out” and “surgery recovery” mostly. 56. want - finally fucking having a crush on someone who is interested back. (if i can’t have that, i really want to do the thing where you’re having a nice quiet intimate voice-chat with close friend at after-midnight in a dark room.) (i guess i just want reciprocated-intimacy) 57. get married - in the case it’s useful as a legal construct then yes 58. career - i kinda like this IT support gig. a writer would be a great career but then i’d have to learn to carry through with something so i’d need focus. if we had UBI and i could meet all my needs otherwise i’d love to go back to being in a coffee shop.

which is better 59. hugs or kisses - hugs! i find kissing a little weird but if the person i like wants to do it i will do it 60. lips or eyes - eyes for sure 61. shorter or taller - taller! 62. older or younger - either? i’m open to a flexible age range but all my recent dates have been younger than me... 63. nice arms or stomach - arms are a turn-on, but i don’t find stomachs a turn-off, they can be great to pillow on 64. hookup or relationship - i want to have both of these things in my life. so, which i want always depends on the specific person i’m thinking about 65. troublemaker or hesitant - i usually go after the hesitant types, so i’d love to date the troublemaker kind for once! but i’m such a sucker for the shy hesitance

have you ever 66. kissed a stranger - yes 67. drank hard liquor - yes 68. lost glasses - no 69. turned someone down - yes 70. sex on first date - yes (well, we’d been dating online for awhile but had sex the first time we met IRL) 71. broken someone’s heart - yes 72. had your heart broken - yes (multiple times) 73. been arrested - no 74. cried when someone died - yes 75. fallen for a friend - all. the. fucking. time. this is a thing i do a lot. see above about my difficulty distinguishing between squishes and crushes. 

do you believe in 76. yourself - not really, which is tough. 77. miracles -  I’ve had enough weird life coincidences that I’ll say sure 78. love at first sight - i believe in meeting someone and knowing that they’re going to play a significant and meaningful role in your life, and then having that feeling pan out as a reality. sometimes it’s been meeting someone who i wind up dating (so love), once it was meeting a random stranger who helped me on a train who turned out to be my mentor in college for the next year. sometimes i just click with someone and go “i know you’ll be my best friend”. so i’d generalize this to “i believe in recognizing a significance” 79. santa claus - no 80. kiss on a first date -  yes 81. angels - they might exist?

other 82. best friend’s name - man i can’t have just 1 best driftmate! don’t ask this :( 83. eye colour - Green 84. fave movie - Pacific Rim 85. fave actor - Idris Elba

am tagging: anyone who wants to, as idk how many of you have patience for all of these  questions! but it’s fun!

[phancystuff]

Trying to Remember How it Feels (To Have a Heartbeat) 2/7

Pairing: Dan/ Phil (Phan) Summary: Dan moves into a new apartment in London and, though it’s a step up from his old apartment, his landlord gives him strange warnings while he’s touring the place– something about the last renters leaving because of ghost sightings. But, Dan doesn’t believe in the supernatural. He quickly changes his tune when he meets Phil Lester, the ghost haunting his apartment. Well, if haunting means quickly becoming the best friend he’s ever had. (Title from Harry Styles’ song Two Ghosts) Notes: Part 2 of my Spooky Week Special! This fic is almost 100% already written and I plan on updating it every day until Halloween. Please note that, although this fic has the warning of major character death, it is not in any way graphic. Tags/ Warnings: ghost au, Halloween, major character death (obv. it’s a ghost au lol), depictions of panic attacks, angst, fluff, HAPPY ENDING, mentions of suicide (it happens in a movie they watch)

Read it on A03 Part One

When Dan woke up, it was completely dark outside. Dan pushed himself up on his elbows, momentarily reflecting on what a weird dream he had. There had been an emo ghost, a panic attack, a viral video. It had all felt so real.

“Good morning sleeping beauty!” Dan jumped and his head snapped up to the source of the voice. So it wasn’t a dream, then. Phil was sitting at Dan’s computer chair. Hovering over his computer chair. Despite the hovering, the office chair was spinning around and Phil was giggling gleefully. “Or should I say, good night?”

“I thought you could only manipulate electricity?” Dan adopted a cool voice, deciding the only course of action was to hide his fear. Phil didn’t seem dangerous at any rate.

“Oh, no! Objects are a little harder, but I’ve had tons of practice over the years. From what I understand, ghosts get stronger the longer they're around. Of course, I’ve only learned this from experimenting. When I first, ah, became a ghost, I couldn’t even manifest myself physically.”

Dan looked thoughtfully at Phil, considering his physical form. “So, you have to purposefully manifest yourself?”

The spinning stopped and Phil looked back at Dan. “Yeah. It used to take a lot of concentration and I could only do it for a couple minutes at a time. Now, I don’t really have to think about it. After that, I started experimenting with electricity. I can strengthen wifi signals, too.” Phil grinned, “I’m a pretty handy roommate!”

Dan pinched the bridge of his nose, “I can’t say I’ve ever wanted a roommate.”

“What?” Phil’s eyes widened comically. “I’ve only ever wanted a roommate! It’s been so boring to be alone in this place! I love when Paul brings new people around.”

Dan’s stomach growled loudly and he thought about what was in his fridge at the moment. It wasn’t much; mostly various sauces and condiments. Dan took out his iPhone and opened up the app to order Indian takeaway. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Phil disappearing from the office chair.

“Meep! that iPhone is so thin and the screen’s so big!” Dan flinched and whipped his head to look at Phil, now sitting cross-legged on the bed next to him. His first thought was a panicked string of swears at Phil’s sudden appearance. His second thought was that Dan couldn’t believe there was a ghost in his apartment that said ‘meep’ unironically.  “Oops, sorry! Transporting is another bad habit I have. I’ll walk around like an alive person.”

“S’ok,” Dan mumbled, thumbing around on his app. “But, yeah, I guess you haven’t seen an iPhone in a while.”

“Not up close! Oh man, look at it! May I?” Phil held out his hand and Dan looked at it nervously.

“Will you be able to hold it?”

“I think so! It’s not really hard for me to hold objects anymore, but if I drop it, it’ll just go on the bed. Just don’t give me a baby!” Phil giggled and Dan slowly placed the iPhone in Phil’s palm. The ghost looked down at it and scanned the app that Dan was interacting with. “Indian food, huh? Yum.” Dan scrutinized Phil’s face. It looked sad. “I used to love Indian food,” he whispered.

“Do you want to order for me?” Dan asked, trying to get the smile back on Phil’s face and not really understanding why he cared.

“Can I?!” Phil’s eyes were round, all sadness had been obliterated from their depths. Dan couldn’t help but chuckle, albeit a little uncomfortably.

“Of course. It’s nothing special for me, but you haven’t hand a phone in your hand since--” Dan cut himself off, realizing he had no idea when Phil had died. Was it polite to ask? If their places were switched, Dan would probably find his own death to be a sensitive point of conversation.

“2010,” Phil murmured back, completely lost in the application. If he thought a food app was captivating, Dan couldn’t wait to show him Crossy Roads. Dan thought back to 2010. What was he doing then? Starting his first year at uni and working on a law degree. That had only lasted a year before Dan had realized how miserable he was. He had taken a year out and never gone back.

“2010 was when I made my first YouTube video,” His channel had steadily taken off to Dan’s complete surprise. At first, he had worked other odd jobs to be able to afford his crappy first apartment, but as his channel grew in popularity, he was able to rely solely on YouTube. Dan smiled fondly; all in all, 2010 had been a beginning for him. The smile dropped off his face when he realized that it had been an end for Phil.

Phil nodded politely. “That’s really cool. What year is it now?” Phil held the phone back out to Dan. The food had been ordered and the estimated time of arrival on the screen read 30 minutes.

“Oh! It’s 2017. It’s May.”

“Hmm. Almost summer? Autumn is my favorite, though, mostly because of Halloween.” Phil gripped his feet and rocked back and forth on his bum. The ghost was growing on Dan. He might even call him adorable; but it was pretty weird to find a ghost to be endearing, wasn’t it?

“I love halloween, too. I’ve always wanted to do a baking video or something for my channel. But it doesn’t really fit the Daniel Howell aesthetic.” Dan did air quotes with his fingers. “So I’ve never done one.”

“You should! That would be something I’d wanna watch.” Phil flopped back on the bed, pulling his feet up with him.

“Maybe,” Dan said, knowing full well that he probably wouldn’t. He probably wouldn’t even put it on Daniel Howell 2, his second channel. He might livestream him trying something that he had baked on YouNow, but people probably wouldn’t be interested. Dan had always felt like there was a specific video that his viewer wanted to see from him and, if he wanted to stay relevant, that was the type of video he would put out. Wanting to change the subject, Dan pulled up Crossy Roads on his iPhone. “Now, Phil, do I have something to show you!”

The two boys, one alive and one dead, played Crossy Roads back and forth until Dan’s food showed up. Dan had always been competitive and it didn’t help that Phil had declared this to be a “DAN VS PHIL! 3 ROUNDS EACH, BRING IT ON, DANIEL!” Dan’s head was in his hands after immediately killing his korean barbeque character by jumping into a bus, and getting a score of three, when his doorbell rang. He left the phone with Phil and ran to get his food, stomach grumbling loudly. He set everything up on the dining room table and only jumped a little when Phil was suddenly there, sitting at one of the chairs.

“59! Hah, I win!” Phil proclaimed, placing the phone on the table and spinning it around for Dan to see.

Dan glanced at it and huffed. “Fine, I call hacks.”

“Sore loser!”

“Sore winner!”

Phil giggled and watched Dan eat. “God, I miss eating. Or being able to smell it, at least.”

Dan nodded sympathetically, mentally filing away the detail in his folder labeled ‘ghost facts.’ He figured that it was easier to learn about Phil and live with him, rather than try to ignore him. The fear he had for the ghost was slowly draining away, only leaving the recognition that he seemed like a cool guy. Dan was open-minded. Sure his whole concept of reality had been shaken to the very core and he would probably have an existential crisis about it later, but for now, he was contented to make conversation. Dan suddenly remembered the video he had made this afternoon that brought them to this point. He groaned. “Phil, we have a problem.”

“What’s that?” Phil looked at him anxiously, the iPhone spinning in front of him. Dan tried not to stare at the supernatural trick being done way too casually right in front of him.

“Well, the video you showed up in is going viral. Everyone is tweeting me, expecting that I’ve been viciously murdered.”

“Oh, um, that is a problem.” Phil bit his lip, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. “Hey! I know! You could reveal to everyone that it was a hoax? A clever editing trick?”

Dan nodded thoughtfully. It was a pretty smart idea. It was totally unlike Dan to do anything of the sort, but he could bullshit another video, claiming that it was a social experiment about virality and people’s belief in the supernatural and blah blah blah. Dan told Phil his idea and the ghost nodded enthusiastically. “Perfect! That way, you’ll have your viral hit, your fans won’t feel too betrayed, and you don’t have to explain that there’s an actual ghost in your apartment.” Phil giggled. “Imagine that video!”

Dan laughed with the ghost. “Yeah, I’d do it like a vlog! A Day in the Life of Dan and Ghost Phil.” Dan reached across the table and grabbed the spinning phone, holding it up over his head and pretending to vlog: “Hey internet! Dan here! And I’m joined by none other than the late amazingphil. He’s decided to collab with me beyond the grave.” Phil’s giggles turned into body-bouncing belly laughs and Dan could have sworn he saw tears leaking down the ghost’s cheeks.

“What can I say? I’m was just dying to collab with you, Dan.” Phil forced the pun out between gasping breaths and chuckles.

Dan dropped his phone and groaned loudly into his hands. “Nooo, that’s was so bad! I hate you.” Dan peeked through his fingers to watch Phil’s tongue poke out between his teeth. The two boys’ laughter slowly died down and Dan shoveled food into his mouth. “I’m making puns with a ghost right now.” Dan blinked a couple times, wondering if the image of Phil would disappear.

Phil looked on sympathetically. “It’s gotta be weird.”

“It is.” Dan looked thoughtful. “But not a bad weird.” Phil looked hopeful. Dan wondered how he-- someone whose biggest fear was of the supernatural-- could be so cool with this. Only a few hours before, the apparition had given him a major panic attack. Dan looked back at Phil’s shining eyes and decided it was because Phil was completely harmless. It was silly to have fear for something harmless.

***

Dan’s video explanation of his “hoax” went over relatively well. Only a few of his viewers were really angry, commenting that he was only using them for views. Dan wanted to reply to them and say that most YouTubers made videos in order for people to view them, but decided that he didn’t want to feed the trolls. He was able to continue with life as normal.

Well, as normal as living with a ghost could get. Dan didn’t leave the apartment very often-- why would he? His whole life happened inside the internet. Other than visiting a few friends and grocery shopping, Dan mostly stuck around the flat. This meant that a lot of time was spent with his new roommate.

Dan had been learning a lot about Phil. They surprisingly had quite a few similar interests. Muse, Studio Ghibli, video games, horror movies, punk pop, Kill Bill. Dan had a blast showing Phil all the movies, shows, and video games he had missed in the seven years that he had been dead. Dan could never get tired of the look of awe on Phil’s face when he commented on the graphics of Fallout 4 or the animation style of Big Hero Six. He was especially interested in how much the internet and YouTube had changed. The fact that people made a living on the video-sharing site. He watched a ton of YouTube, catching up on all the old people he used to be subscribed to and getting acquainted with new YouTubers. Phil expressed his sadness to Dan when he discovered that some of his favorite internet personalities were no longer making videos.

Dan noticed that Phil didn’t watch any of the ‘goodbye amazingphil’ videos that had been made by fans or fellow YouTubers. Dan had watched a few, but they did nothing but make him sad. Dan was actually surprised that no one had recognized Phil from his Quick and Dirty video, but apparently Phil had been hidden in the shadows just enough for anyone to notice how much the apparition looked like the late amazingphil. Dan was glad; he didn’t want to deal with the wrath of sad fans wondering why Dan would be sick enough to fake edit amazingphil in the corner.

Dan also watched all of Phil’s old videos, finding him very endearing. Phil was a fantastic storyteller and Dan found himself captivated by Phil’s silly life. The videos were obviously old-- the camera quality, editing style, music, and genre. Despite this, Dan still watched every single video. He told himself that it was to get to know his ghost friend better.

It had been a couple months. Dan had noticed that the two boys talked about everything, except the gigantic elephant in the room. Dan still had no idea how Phil had died. The goodbye videos Dan watched told him nothing; no one seemed to know what had happened to amazingphil, other than an untimely death. It made sense that none of Phil’s family members would think to update a YouTube audience, especially when dealing with their own grief. Dan had googled around a little bit, still finding nothing about the mysterious death of Phil Lester. Dan figured it was rude to ask, but it didn’t stop his curiosity gnawing at him, especially when he discovered that the last video on the amazingphil channel was one shot in this very apartment. Dan had been waiting to watch Phil’s last video because, when he finally watched it, it would mean that there were no more amazingphil videos to watch, which made Dan feel almost empty in a way.

But, eventually, one day in mid July, he couldn’t take the curiosity. Dan pulled up the video on his phone, put in earphones, and clicked play. He smiled at the title, “The Jellybean Centipede” and the opening shot of Phil biting a balloon. In the video, Phil explained that he had finally gotten his very own apartment. Dan watched the tour of Dan’s current apartment, noticing the differences and similarities. The video wasn’t different from Phil’s others ones-- the lion was still there, Phil still made heart hands at the camera, and he still said lolrandom things. Knowing it was the last video ever on his channel made Dan incredibly sad. He watched the last shot, of Phil sitting on and popping the giant balloon that one of his viewers had given him, over and over again. It was a ridiculous thing to leave YouTube with, but it was so fitting of Phil. Dan scrubbed at a tear that threatened to leave the corner of his eye. He didn’t dare look at the comments.

“Dan! Hey, Dan! Where did you put your copy of Mario Kart for the switch?” Phil floated into Dan’s room, standing at the foot of his bed. Phil had been better about not transporting randomly, moving around more naturally for Dan’s sake. Dan slammed the phone face down onto his bed. “Oh, are you ok? I didn’t interrupt something did I?” Phil looked embarrassed and looked down at his multi-colored, mismatched socks.

“Phil, how did you die?” Dan slapped his hand over his mouth, eyes widening in shock. Phil’s head jerked up to look at Dan.

“Dan…” It almost sounded like a warning. It was the only time in these short months that Dan felt nervous around Phil.

“I’m sorry, it’s just, you can’t expect me not to be curious. You were 23 when you died, right? That’s so young. You had just gotten a new apartment. You finished school. Your YouTube channel was doing really well. What happened?”

“Dan, really, I--”

“You were 23! Only three years younger than me now. That’s scary, Phil. So fucking scary. I think about dying all the time. I think about what I’m contributing to the world and I stress about what I’m doing with my life--”

“--Please, Dan--”

“--but I only ever think about dying when I’m really old. And then you come along and you were 23 and you won’t even tell me what happened! I thought we were friends and--”

“Dan!” Dan jumped, looking at Phil. His voice had turned loud, deep, powerful, and a little bit unhinged. The lights in Dan’s bedroom flickered and papers swirled around the room, surrounding the ghostly figure in a whirlwind of paper. He slowly rose higher and higher off the ground, until he was looking down at Dan. Phil sounded and looked every bit of the ‘scary horror movie ghost’ in that moment and Dan was practically shitting himself. “I’m serious, I don’t want to talk about this.”

Dan started shaking, not recognizing the eyes of his ghost friend. They had gone dark, emphasizing the paleness of Phil’s undead skin. Shadow patterns danced across his unnatural face. “Y-yeah. S-s-sorry Phil. I’ll stop, p-please, don’t hurt me.”

Papers fluttered down to the floor and the lights came back on. Phil dropped to the floor, his eyes cleared, and the shadows left his face. He looked guilty. “No,” Phil whispered, staring at Dan with shining eyes. “Please understand this, Dan, I’d never hurt you.” Dan pushed off the bed, trembling violently. He wasn’t going to have another panic attack. He wasn’t going to have another panic attack.

“Of course you won’t. It’s ok, Phil. I’m going to just, just.” Dan ran out of the room, grabbing his keys and wallet from the dining room table. He threw open the front door and rode the elevator down into the lobby of the building. Outside, he immediately felt sweat spring to his skin in the hot London summer air. Desperately, he tried to reign in his lungs and breathe evenly. He never knew that Phil could get so scary. Maybe Dan should be careful with the ghost. Maybe he should be afraid of him.

Dan walked aimlessly for hours, going nowhere in particular, but relishing the occasional breeze against his face. His apartment had been feeling like an alternate reality, lately. It felt nice to be reminded that nature was still its wonderful, albeit cruel, self. Dan looked around for the first time since leaving the apartment, noticing his surroundings. His feet had taken him to a closeby park. Dan sat down on a bench and stared out at the trees, which were a little creepy in the encroaching dark of the evening. His breathing slowed. He knew that, sooner or later, Dan would have to return to the flat and face Phil.

He thought back to the conversation that had made Phil so angry. Of course it had made him angry. Dan had asked the ghost about his most painful, personal memory, without even warning Phil that Dan had been thinking about it. Phil had purposefully been skirting around the information and Dan had rudely barreled past his hesitations. Dan felt like a dick. He remembered the flickering lights and whirlwind circling Phil’s rising form. That had been a little unnecessary. And a lot terrifying.

He sighed and heaved himself off the bench. This was silly; he couldn’t run from Phil. They hadn’t had any problems yet. In fact, it had been incredibly nice to finally live with someone, even if that someone had a non-corporeal form. Everyone had their moments, right? Everyone got angry from time to time; of course Phil would have those times as well. It just so happened that Phil had a little more power over the world than the average human. Dan shivered, thinking about Phil flashing him those lifeless eyes again.

They had already discussed the extent of Phil’s powers, though, and Dan was pretty sure there was nothing Phil could do to hurt Dan. In fact, from what they both understood, Phil could only successfully interact with things that weren’t alive. Things without a heartbeat. Although, Phil hadn’t told Dan what he meant by “successful.” Dan rubbed his arms, the cool evening air chilling the remaining sweat on his skin. He began to trudge back to his flat-- their flat. Dan knew Phil wouldn’t hurt him. Phil was a good person. He was a good friend. Dan had been silly.

Dan arrived back and rode the elevator up to his flat. He pushed the key in and prepared himself for anything: Phil could have completely disappeared, choosing to abandon his physical form for the moment. Phil could be right there waiting at the door, wanting to apologize to Dan. Dan breathed deeply and opened the door, only to be enveloped by the delicious smell of Italian food. Dan looked over into the kitchen to find Phil stirring at a pot on the stove. Ok, Dan wasn’t prepared for that. The ghost turned around at the sound of the front door opening. “Dan! Thank god, I was so worried!” Phil turned down the temperature and bounded over to Dan. Dan would never get used to the way Phil moved; he floated but that didn’t stop him from skipping, running, dancing, and shuffling. His feet just never touched the floor. Phil stopped in front of Dan, reaching out his hands to Dan’s face. “You didn’t have a panic attack did you?” He seemed to catch himself, realizing that there would be no use in trying to touch Dan. His arms dropped to his sides.

Dan melted at the sound of Phil’s concern. “Fuck, Phil, I’m sorry for running away. And I’m sorry for bringing up such a sore subject like an absolute twat. I didn’t have a panic attack; don’t worry.”  

“I can’t tell you how sorry I am for going ghost on you.” Phil’s eyes shined and his bottom lip stuck out in the slightest of pouts. Dan focused his eyes on the lip, wondering if Phil even realized how adorable he was sometimes. “I will never ever hurt you. I will try really hard not to be a moody ass.”

“Did you just make a Danny Phantom reference?” Dan whispered, eyes drifting up from Phil’s lips, finally.

“Yes!” Phil clapped gleefully. “Now, I made you dinner to make it up to you. The only thing is you’re gonna have to taste test for me because food tastes like nothing when I put it in my mouth and I want to make sure I put enough garlic in there.” Dan followed his friend into the kitchen, marveling at how the best friend that he had ever had was dead.

Chapter Three

[whalefucker69]

11 Questions Tag Game

I was tagged by @onedamnminuteadmiral who now has a whale url, which reminds me of how I have “whalefucker69″ saved because of senior year when I wrote my 20 page term paper on Moby Dick.

1.What is the coolest vehicle you’ve ever driven/ridden in?

Well, okay, so my grandfather was a fighter pilot right, then he was a pilot for continental when the war ended, and after he retired he built his own little 2 seater plane (being extra runs in the family I guess).  He sold it a few years ago but when I was like 10 or 11 he would take me up in it and let me take control once we were high enough up that it wouldn’t be a big danger. 

2. Do you believe in the paranormal? Ever had any weird experiences?

I definitely don’t.  The most paranormal experiences I’ve had are when I sometimes hallucinate spiders crawling on the walls and ceiling when I’m falling asleep.

3. Describe your ideal climate.

Temperature in the 90s but low humidity; like the Texas hill country.  I like the cold for the ability to wear fun jackets, but I could survive on Vulcan no problem.

4. What is your favorite thing to do with friends?

Probably just watch stupid movies/TV, honestly.  My roommates and I just watched the season finale of Bachelor in Paradise which is a surprisingly okay show.  I also like cooking for people.

5. What do you think is your best quality?

Can I pass? It’s hard for me to think of things I like about myself without instantly turning them into things I don’t like.  

6. If you could mash up two of your favorite TV shows, what would you mash up, and what would the resulting show be like? (For instance, Galavant and Star Trek, a space-faring musical farce that makes fun of the genre of sci-fi. Sorry if I stole yours. I think about this a lot.)

Hohohohoho, have I told you about the X files/fringe/twin peaks inspired Star Trek AU I had planned like all through high school?  The main conceit was that Jim was a navy pilot who had been suddenly called back stateside for a “promotion” that he was very unhappy about because he saw it as a boring desk job that would keep him from flying.  It turns out he was being assigned to basically lead a top secret operation codenamed enterprise that would track down paranormal activity localized in this small town in the northwest.  So he ends up recruiting this ragtag team of military and civilian scientists and other personnel, and they have sort of monster-of-the-week adventures.  The main overarcing plot would have Spock and Scotty basically invent warp drive, which would set up a chain of events with Spock discovering a government conspiracy (basically America wants to weaponize the rudimentary warp core) so the only way he sees to get out of the situation is to basically destroy all of the research and lead a trail of fake evidence so everyone thinks that he’s betrayed the enterprise team and gets him labeled as a terrorist.  So then Jim ofc takes this personally and asks to be in charge of the team sent to track him down and bring him in, so it becomes a sort of international spy thriller with a lot of heated scenes where Jim just barely misses Spock and there’s a lot of chess metaphors as Jim sort of tries to figure out wtf happened and Spock is terrified because he knows that if anyone is smart enough to figure it out it’s Jim, but if Jim finds out he’ll be in the same danger.  I don’t remember how I’d planned for it to end, but it definitely involved first contact with Vulcan (they had picked up on the warp tests).  The last scene would involve Jim approaching Spock at the end some sort of official party and basically saying “So it’s super classified but the UN is putting together funds to build a starship and they want me to command it so I need a science officer and you have like 16 PhDs so you’re obviously the logical choice, our personal history nonwithstanding” and them basically agreeing to start over and try to move on after all the deceit.  

7. Do you have any original characters? Tell me about one of them! If not, tell me about your favorite character from your favorite piece of media.

Okay so my main D&D character right now is a dragonborn warlock named Kashira Alazir.  She grew up the heir of a family of honor-driven royals in charge of a sort of city-state in a larger empire.  She spent all her life training to be the smartest and the strongest heir she could be, training in combat, tactics, politics, etc, but after her younger brother manifested as a sorcerer he was immediately declared the new heir because of his magic.  She spent months trying to study to be a wizard, but never made any progress, so she eventually made a pact with a devil to gain magical abilities.  She told herself this was for her family, since her irresponsible brother wouldn’t be a good ruler, but in reality she was just bitter.  When her family found out they exiled her because making deals with demons is like, super fucking illegal.  Now she’s just sad and lonely, wandering the continent trying to find a cause she can fight for to regain her honor and return to her family.

8. If you could switch places with one person for one day, who would you switch with?

Is “any astronaut currently working on the ISS” an option?

9. Are you a neat or a messy person?

Neat.  I used to be messy but at this point I clean all the fucking time because “messy” has become synonymous with “depression” in my head so I’m terrified if I slip up at all I’ll fall apart.  It’s the same thing with my grades, honestly.  

10. What do you do when you need to relax?

I run 2 miles every morning, and sometimes I go for walks at like 2am to just.. breathe you know.

11. Tell me something not a lot of people know about you! <3

I say I’m over Doctor Who but last week my roommates were watching a movie starring David Tennant and I almost started crying because his face and voice are so nostalgic for me.  Did you know he’s been cast as Crowley in the new Good Omens series? I’m a little disappointed they cast well known british actors for the main roles (I would’ve preferred unknowns for A&C, then big names for supporting roles like the did in the American Gods show) but if they had to choose one of the big British names, I’m glad it’s someone I unironically love.

I’m tagging @morganzephyr @10-screaming-horse-figurines @yogdad @leggdad @bradh2os and anyone who wants to do this.

My questions:

1. What time did you wake up this morning?

2. If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?

3. If you could live in any fictional universe (but like, as a normal person and not the protagonist), which would you choose?

4. What’s a band/show/etc that you loved as a kid and still love?

5. If you could kill someone and face no consequences, would you do it?  If yes, who?

6. How many people have you slept with in the same bed all crammed together? What size bed was it? 

7. If you had to be stranded on a desert island/planet/etc and you could have only one person with you, who would it be?

8. What fictional character would make the best roommate?

9. If you could relive your life starting at like age 10, and have the chance to redo your mistakes, would you do it?  

10. If work/school/etc wasn’t an issue, when would you go to sleep and wake up?

11. What position/blanket arrangement do you sleep with?

[theteablogger]

Andy’s Instagram

I said in my "I'm back" post that Andy is still engaged in some of his old behavior patterns on his Instagram. He said last fall on Facebook that he has "no real interest in maintaining the big public persona fandom thing," but that was and is obviously not the case. Here is a run-down, with screenshots in case he deletes things. Other people's faces and usernames will be censored and comments will only be included if they're relevant in some way.

Overidentification with a fictional character

This is the most obvious element of Andy's Instagram behavior: the majority of his photos concern or are linked to Bucky and the MCU in some way. Until very recently, if he wasn't actually in costume for the photo, his comment would talk about how much his hair looks like Bucky's, he'd refer to himself as Bucky, or Bucky would appear in the tags. To some extent, this is normal for cosplayers on Instagram and other social media platforms; however, given Andy's history, it seems like a terrible idea for him to engage in this sort of behavior.

Remember, this is the guy who verbally, emotionally, psychologically, sexually, and otherwise abused a number of people for years and tried to excuse his actions by claiming that his mental illness/es had caused him to believe, among other things, that he was the embodiment of various fictional characters and some real people, and/or was in contact with them as they existed in parallel universes, and that everything he did was necessary to save the world. Only four years ago, he said that he'd been writing something from Neville Longbottom's point of view and suddenly started to see and hear this fictional character in the room with him. Within the last three years, he was explicitly tying in Destiel with his relationship with Brittany in SPN meta posts. Just last year, he was claiming to have very specific sense-memories of New York in the 1920s and '30s, but lampshaded it by saying that he probably picked up some information during "the gap-filled years", which he felt made him even more like Bucky. This was around the same time that he started talking about how his hair had mysteriously changed color all on its own to look exactly like Bucky's, much as it changed when he "became" Elijah Wood and Orlando Bloom.

As I and others have said time and again, if Andy honestly believes that he did horrible things to people due to mental illness making him unable to differentiate fantasy from reality, why would he ever engage in behavior that risks triggering an event like that again?

Here are just a few examples:

#buckyhair and #buckywiththegoodhair come up a lot.

Andy’s hair just naturally looks like Bucky’s. Yup.

Of course a fictional character's training has any bearing at all on Andy's real-life abilities.

This post has nothing whatsoever to do with Bucky, but note the hashtag.

I find it very hard to believe that Andy's really been planning this tattoo for years and that it has nothing to do with Bucky. I guess we’re supposed to believe that it’s a huge coincidence that the current design and his future plans for it coincide so well with the placement of Bucky’s metal arm. Without explicitly saying so, he offers this as evidence of how he’s “so connected to Bucky”.

Yes, Andy himself is a superhero.

Again, there is no actual Bucky in this post.

Here, Andy over-dramatizes his actions while being hit by a car to make it seem as if he responded in much the same way that a highly trained supersoldier would. Someone replies, "You are literally Bucky oh my god are you okay??"

Andy also says on his Instagram that his Bucky cosplay has motivated him, more than anything has before, to work out and to get in better shape. While this is a good goal to have, it's worth noting that talk of/promises to change lives for and by means of fandom (and characters that Andy channeled or embodied) was a major component of the BagEnders and DAYD cults. In the latter case, getting into better physical shape was part of it, with “Dumbledore’s Boot Camp” and the cross-country hikes.

Tying fandom in to real-life politics and world affairs

This was also posted on tumblr. The text is a paraphrased quotation from The Avengers, from the scene in which Captain America saves the life of an elderly German man (by implication a survivor of the Nazi regime) who is the only one brave enough to stand up to Loki.

Andy is hardly the first person to conflate being a slash fan with political or social activism, but considering his history, this gets an extra hard eyeroll from me. People's lives are at stake due to LGBTQIA persecution in Russia, so naturally it's an extremely emotionally charged issue, and Andy is right there to take advantage of that. He also talks about learning Russian, supposedly for career reasons, although people on tf-talk have pointed out that the Russian film system is closed to outsiders, the field is rather crowded in Eastern Europe, and oddly enough, people in countries that are not Russia tend to speak primarily non-Russian languages. (A Russian class did not appear on Andy's Spring 2017 transcript, so he only took it for one semester, if at all.)

I also notice that he says he's "about to learn a lot about Russian time zones", as if he's never had a Russian friend before. One of the women that he emotionally manipulated via tumblr and Skype is Russian and lives in Russia.

This is not the only post of Andy as Bucky wearing a POW/MIA shirt as part of his cosplay and using hashtags like #honorourvets and #powmia. If he really wanted to honor military personnel, a minority group, etc., he wouldn't use them as props to draw more attention to himself.

Another post about cosplay and slash fandom as a form of activism. What a shame that his cosplay partner puts his real-life relationship ahead of "being a tree by the river of truth", and that his fiancée puts her discomfort with "anybody else gettin' their hands on her man" (as Andy says in the video) ahead of their great chemistry. [/sarcasm]

Andy has repeatedly made passive-aggressive comments about this man's being unwilling to do Stucky photos because of his and his fiancée's boundaries. I didn't think much of it until I noticed that a comment giving Andy kudos for showing respect had been met with pontification about how he would really love to be able to do Stucky photos, but "real life romances come first" and he wouldn't want to do a Stucky shoot with a "stunty, stilted, or no-homo vibe".

I also think the way he refers to his "wonderfully devoted fan following" in Russia speaks volumes about how he thinks of them. Everyone is just a means to an end, and usually that end is narcissistic supply.

Here's some post-election political Bucky art. Run through Google Translate, the caption reads (bolding mine):

I'm sorry that my Russian is bad, small and new. I'm grieving for America tonight. I do not believe in religion. I believe in God. I do not think I found this place by accident. Here I learned that a place can have bad leaders, bad laws and good, strong, kind people. It's Russia. Now it will be America too. I hope we can change and have good leaders and good laws.

He continues to portray himself as wise, compassionate, and haunted by the fact that the rest of the world is not equally so. This also continues his old pattern of imparting mystical significance to his participation in a fandom.

Using superhero imagery "to highlight the problems faced by real world vets" on Veterans Day seemed disrespectful to Andy…so instead, he posted a picture of Cap and an apology to veterans for Trump's having been elected. Because that's completely different.

International Women’s Day. See previous point about his use of people and issues as attention-getting devices.

Courting younger, politically-minded people with condescension and a hefty dose of misinformation

Here are just a couple of Andy's posts about the 2016 presidential election:

I can't even tell you how many times Andy made tumblr posts inviting random strangers to his (his parents') house to hang out and have fun; this is the same old story from another angle. Anything to lure new people into his influence. (This video is incredibly condescending, by the way.)

This (part 2) (part 3) is the Instagram version of this misleading tumblr post. I'm going to go ahead and admit that this and several other tf-talk comments about his BS surrounding the election were from me because I was incredibly angry about Andy's once again taking advantage of people's completely justified fears about a volatile situation.

See also this brief but masterful takedown of his "shh everything will be fine" tumblr post after the election.

Here's a completely unironic post (part 2) (part 3) about how back in the day, only intelligent, right-thinking people had the ability to share their opinions with large numbers and wide ranges of people—but now any jackass pleb can get on the internet and spin anything in any way that they want, to reach any nefarious end. "Credentialed experts, not Instagram gurus. Data, not anecdotes." There he is again, hiding in plain sight.

Talking about how poor he is

It mainly takes the form of the usual posts about doing or making XYZ impressive thing on a shoestring budget because Andy Is Wise and Resourceful, but there's also this (part 2).

Stupid art school! Not only do they expect Andy to take art classes instead of just accepting that he is The Most Talented; they also expect him to purchase supplies! Thus he can no longer attend VA ComicCon…unless his friend knows "a magic money tree or a way to get free tickets." One or the other must have materialized, because he made it to the con anyway. Obviously Andy's friends are free to pay for things for him if they want to, but remember that he has a history of lying or "bending the truth" to get money out of people.

Making and endorsing extremely poor decisions

Yes, he says that he only had one Oxy with his giant tumblr (sic) of wine. That doesn't matter. It's unwise to mix any amount of opiates with alcohol, and equally unwise to discuss it publicly, especially given his tendency to encourage much younger people to regard him as some sort of font of wisdom and life advice.

This is how Andy achieves the one-armed Bucky look. Yes, a lot of people can pop their shoulders in and out of joint at will, but it's a bad idea, especially given the amount of time that he spends with it in this condition.

I spoke with the same doctor whom I consulted about the horrific binding injury that Andy claimed to have sustained. They said that repeatedly dislocating one's shoulder is very likely to cause instability of the joint, which can be debilitating (and quite dangerous, I would think, if his shoulder went out while lifting weights or something). Additionally, every time his shoulder is popped out and reset, Andy risks incurring torn muscles and stretched or torn ligaments/tendons, a trapped nerve, and vessel damage. Some of these effects become increasingly likely the longer it's out of joint. Andy, if you happen to read this, please stop doing this stupid thing. I may not like you, but I don't want you to injure yourself, for fuck's sake. And please stop instructing other cosplayers in how to accomplish dangerous things for the sake of a costume.

I have no idea whether Andy was checked out by medical personnel after he was hit by the car. I hope so. It's the #noexcuses tag that really gets to me. Attention, everyone: never, ever assume that you are 100% okay to engage in strenuous physical activity after an incident like being hit by a fucking car. It doesn't matter how slowly it was moving at the time. Without a thorough physical examination, you cannot be sure that you haven't sustained a non-apparent injury that will cause trouble later. Something like this is absolutely a valid reason not to go to the gym the next day, as intense cardio or weight training may exacerbate damage of which you are not yet aware. This post of his is incredibly irresponsible.

Promoting DAYD

Last October, in a post that featured photos of the GoT feast, Andy referred to DAYD as "a fairly popular HP companion novel", as if it were the HP equivalent to the Star Trek novels rather than a fanwork.

Andy continues to urge new people to check out the fan novel that he used as the basis for the second cult of personality in which he manipulated and took advantage of a great many people. (Also, DAYD got a neutral, one-line mention in an Atlantic Monthly article alongside Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, but okay.)

He is so hoping that someone will ask about that tattoo.

Grooming female companions

I'm not sure what other word to use for Andy’s relationship with this person, as public information about it is limited to what appeared on Instagram. Please understand that I am not judging her at all and do not wish to identify her in any way. Considering Andy's behavior with Abbey, Brittany, L, Silven, and others among his female friends/followers, I think it's important to talk about it.

This is the first overtly romantic cosplay picture that Andy has posted in MCU fandom. His cosplay partner’s comments are very telling:

It really was the best day for me. … I love you my handsome cosboyfriend you seriously are my best friend my love and I truly believe my partner I know when you call me "your" Natalia that I am loved and care for more than I could ever imagine. I love you

If this person is roleplaying as Natasha, it makes no sense to refer to Bucky as her "cosboyfriend". She is talking about Andy. Whatever is going on here is pretty fucking intense. And given his proclivity for redheads, it is not lost on me that he has selected a character who’s had a canonical relationship with a red-haired woman in the past, giving him an excuse to act out scenes like this.

Here is a romantic photoset of Andy with the same woman, to whom he now refers as "the cosgirlfriend". She replies,

I love you my beautiful cosboyfriend … By the way you owe me roses now … [you're] the beauty im the beast

A commenter asks whether this is "canon, or just two beautiful people being beautiful together," wondering whether Andy and this fellow cosplayer are an IRL couple. Andy neatly dodges the question by referring to the comics.

Andy's "cosgirlfriend" has also called him gorgeous, left a suggestive comment on one of his bathbomb photos, talked about missing him/his face, and referred to him as "baby" and "dear". All of her comments were left within ten days, and of course Andy didn’t respond publicly to any of them. In my opinion based on what Andy has done many times over, the little information that I have (not all of which I am comfortable sharing) suggests that this may have been another situation in which he love-bombed a woman and quickly established what she felt was a very close, deep relationship with romantic possibilities, and then backed off just as quickly. As of 5/30, Andy had taken down the first picture of the two of them and she'd asked for the second to be removed as well. He did so earlier this month. I have not attempted to contact this person, as I feel that would be crossing a line, but I'm guessing that she requested their removal because she’d received negative attention and/or warnings about Andy.

Miscellaneous

I will not share screenshots of these, but Andy has posted several pictures of himself with young children. He loves kids, perhaps in part because they tend to be so much more credulous than adults and they make great attention-getting props. In one notable instance, he posted a picture and video of a little boy from Romania, who he said was a huge Captain America fan who'd love to hear from Sebastian Stan. Andy and some of his friends tagged the actor several times in the posts and comments. All the boy talked about in the video was his Pokemon fan creations, while Andy tried hard to drag the conversation around to Cap and Bucky. The picture that he posted was also Pokemon-related, as was a later image of a drawing the child had made. It seems likely, given his past behavior, that Andy is using this child (who may or may not be interested in Marvel characters at all) to gain the attention of the actor who plays the character around whom his life currently revolves.

Andy has consistently referred to the kittens as "our babies" for a couple months now, which is understandable because he lives with them, but also makes me nervous because of his history with the rabbit, the mouse, and Boo.

He recently shared a picture of himself with a very good Seven of Nine cosplayer and called back to his days in the Star Trek: Voyager fandom. Reminding people of the first time that you lied your ass off to a fandom for attention is probably not a great idea, Andy.

Here he is using another flimsy excuse to humblebrag about his alleged genius IQ, which he's been doing from the very beginning. Andy never changes.

Andy also now has a Patreon on which he is offering a tutorial for Bucky’s metal arm. Someone at tf-talk has noted that his bio includes a different origin story for his costuming interest than he gave in Viva La Cosplay. Then, he wanted to appear charmingly naïve and to make his work look more impressive by claiming a lack of experience. Now, he wants to look super legit to attract more patrons.

The higher reward tier includes a 20-minute [Facebook] messenger session for Q&A and for Andy to talk the patron through customizing the arm for themselves. A) Facebook’s policies mean that a lot of people will have to give Andy their RL names for this...which is one reason that he likes using Facebook. B) That doesn’t seem like very much time to go over customization. Would any cosplayers like to weigh in on this?

[cutebunnys50]

tag meme thing (that i started like last week or something idk lol my sense of time is messed up)

Thanks for tagging me Em I’ll do a bit now and finish later ^^ damn. I started brainstorming 5 ships too and then I remembered I’m not asked that. xD thank god when it comes to me I can spend hours… xD 

1.       What is a song that defined a moment/event in your life? Why? What was that moment/event?

Damn. xD Starting with a hard-hitter. xD I’m trying to think of video game music or something and I guess what keeps coming to mind is Maplestory. xD It defined my childhood, and if you know me, I’m bound to bring it up sometime. xDD whether it’s by a 5 hour talk with @nyashizura or not, it would eventually come up xDD Maplestory opening- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qj4hgJeSe4

2.       If you were a Pokemon gym leader/elite four, what type would you specialize in?

Mmmh. I’m really open lol. I’d throw all of my fave Pokemon at you, not paying attention to type. I’m not a strategic player. xD I just like Lucario and Latios and Latias and stuff. xD I almost said water, but honestly, I’d be miscellaneous. xD I’d rather be the adventurer than a gym leader/part of the elite four. xD I get bored waiting around. xD

3.       What is your favorite reptile? Why?

             I don’t look up specific reptiles so I’m not sure. xD I like a lot of animals. Maybe a turtle or a dragon. xD For turtle, red-eared slider turtle; my turtle. I hope Speedy’s doing okay!

4.       What anime archetype do you think you’d fit the best?

Mmmh… In a slice of life anime, I’d be the boke, I suppose? C: And I’d try to be the outgoing, energetic one. I’ll try to make things fun by asking weird questions and getting everyone to think and go along with my random whims. xD Haha, just being with a cool group of friends would make me happy xD so I wouldn’t know _how_ to act. xD bad puns/jokes and trying to brighten/lighten up the atmosphere tho c: also you can come to me for help xD rely on me xD slightly bunmum xD 

5.       Do you have a favorite font? What is it? Why do you like it?

            Fonts are cool xD I used Comic Sans unironically though. xD I liked it because it was simple and easy to read/use. xD Also if something’s controversial, just watch me keep using it. xDD

6.       Which post you’ve made yourself on your current URL has received the most notes? When did you make that post? Why did you make it?

Probably would have to be that Madosaya comic I shared with otpprompts. xD It got so many notes because people looked at it and liked it and reblogged it. xD After I shared it, I fled tumblr for a while out of embarrassment and was surprised to come back to like 100+ notes and very nice comments hhhffngsdh, I made that post back in 2014/2015? And I made it because I was influenced by a prompt in otpprompts (I’d surf it all day, thinking about my OTPs) and I was compelled to make a dumb comic and share it with people. xD thank that blog for sharing my art lol

7.       European noodle dishes or Asian noodle dishes?

            Asian noodle dishes yes I’m love.

8.       What is your favorite flavor of juice?

            Listen this is so hard ghjflksj?? I like anything that tastes good pls. I love juice in general… apple, grape, orange… I like it all… (listenn i actually take time to think abt these for a while,, , aahh)

9.       Which brand of ballpoint pen is your favorite?

            No idea I don’t use pens. xD Pencil ftw xD

10.   Have you ever traveled outside your home country? If yes, where have you been? If no, why not?

            Yea, to China. I wanna travel more. It’d be cool. xD What if I studied overseas or somethin’ hmhm…

11.   Contemporary of Victorian architecture/interior? Why?

             Man I ain’t good at architecture even If it’s pretty and a valid form of art! idk man. we haven’t covered that in AP Art History exactly yet xD 

10 Facts about me

1. I like to think I’m chill but apparently I’m not I guess lol I just bottle it all up inside and get really agitated/irritated easily if you know where to push my buttons. xD When something doesn’t go my way I get really frustrated/angry to the point that I could start crying lol tb to when I was like in 5th grade or something and I started crying bc I couldn’t get this one long division problem right despite doing it two times. xD (it was resolved.) Old habits die hard I guess. xD

2. don’t get me started on art… (I love it)

3. I’m very lazy I just went back to filling out this meme and I’m not gonna write as much as I intended to xD

4. I’m love girls.

5. I stole my brother’s cat lol

6. I wanna play the trombone

7. im married to my computer we’ve been together for 4+ years

8. Maplestory is my lif e

9. i like to observe things from the side without being directly involved. I make a lot of observations about the other person in my head and make note of small things. The small things are important too lol.

10.  I’m very passionate and energetic, I like to think ( owo )b even tho I can be sidetracked/distracted easily/lose interest easily/procrastinate, I’m serious about stuff when I’m serious!! I don’t necessarily have to mention the thing one million times to get the point across, but believe me inside me I have the blazing flames of passion. My obsessions don’t die down; they’re only put on the backburner for a bit and they can be reactivated very hard. xD like my surge of Touhou again xD

My questions:

1. Do you have any pets? Tell me about them! :D

2. Do you have a favorite season and why?

3. What do you think is one of your defining traits? (If someone described you to another person, what would they say/what do people associate you with?)

4. Do you have a favorite object/thing? (toy, clothing, blanket, etc.) Why is it important to you and what is it? A person is fine too. ^^ 

5. Do you have a favorite emoticon/emoji? What is it?

6. What’s your favorite animal?

7. Do you have a favorite quote? What is it? (Whether it be out of context or inspirational or anything xD)

8. What is your opinion of art?

9. How do you like to spend your free time?

10. If you could visit any place right now, where would you like to go?

11. What is your favorite song? List one of them! :D

Tagging all my mutuals ig? xD  @latimerlink @mikantrapper too lazy to list everyone out im sorry i dont wanna leave anyone out xD