#< my point being because hes part of sherry thats how HE SEES HIM. so like. it kind disregards their Actual relationship

[lesbonoi]

hate the “what if jon was real” stuff “what if the whole point of this character was changed and boring. so i can draw porn” . yeah heres his imaginary friend hes had since childhood that turned into a way to literally repress his traumatic memories for a decade. but what if it was a regular guy and he could give head

[takeiteasypeasybaby]

Save Me: Chapter 2 - Who?

~Hey Guys! This is the second chapter in ‘Save Me’. This is Molly’s first encounter with the Saviours and the elusive ‘Negan’. Hope you enjoy and make sure to follow my page for new chapter releases every Sunday! ~

A crisp Autumn morning. Molly is getting ready for another supply run with Sasha and Abraham. She packs lightly, thinking that she will only be gone a couple hours.

That morning was so beautiful, cool yet crisp. It felt as though change was coming and I hoped it would be for the better.

Sasha had asked me the night before if I would come on a supply run with her and Abraham and of course I agreed.

It was always refreshing to get out and kill some walkers and come back with the bacon.

While Abraham was loading up the car, I asked Maggie if she needed anything, maybe some more prenatal pills.

She thanked me, we hugged and I told her I would see her soon.

I remember being so happy about Maggie's pregnancy but with Glenn still not having returned after going on a supply run with Nicholas, Maggie was already stressed enough and she told me she needed me to stay here.

But I promised her I would only be gone a couple hours and then I would be right back.

So we three set off on the road in the search of meds and food and basically anything we could scavenge.

It took hours before we came across anything that looked remotely untouched when we stumbled along an office.

Apart from stationary and water there wasn't much else.

When we tried to leave we saw too many walkers blocking the exits so we decided to wait until they went away.

I saw that Abraham and Sasha had some talking to do so I made myself scarce to look for meds on the first floor of the building.

Not only did I feel like a major third wheel, but for the first time in a long time I felt a longing.

I longed for a relationship like theirs or something close.

Eugene had tried to flirt with me, he'd already done the same with Tara and while I love Eugene like a brother I could never date the man as I don't understand him most of the time.

Spencer had also flirted with me and seemed to want to follow me around like a lost puppy most of the time but I could never be with someone that spineless who never accepted responsibility for his actions.

So, for now I would be alone.

After all this pondering of my thoughts, checking drawers in the office cubicles I found some aspirin and prenatal pills.

There was a part of me that felt sadness for a moment for the person to whom these pills once belonged and the life that probably didn't make it into the world.

When I made my way back down the stairs, I noticed that the walkers were gone and Abraham and Sasha had finished talking.

We tried to get in touch with Daryl via the walkie talkie but no answer.

Daryl was out hunting and told us he would join us soon.

Little did I know at the time that Daryl had just met Dwight and Sherry.

Abraham was now wearing a blue army blazer with an array of medals attached which he found in one of the offices.

As Abraham used to be a member of the US military, he said it made him feel closer to his past which was lovely.

When it was time to leave, as the walkers had dispersed enough for us to shoot them as we went through, a bunch of guys shot at us as we hopped in a truck and drove off, following us in their cars.

Once we managed to lose them we continued back to Alexandria.

It started to dawn on us that those guys shooting at us had backed off, possibly deliberately and there was an uneasy silence in the truck as we kept on.

All of a sudden we stopped dead in the middle of the road as there was a group of guys on bikes pointing guns at us.

He asked us to step out and talk, we hesitated but complied nonetheless.

'Why don't you come on out, join us in the road' the leader of them said.

He was a short man and surprisingly looked the least threatening out of all of them.

So, we stepped out slowly.

'Ah that's great, going well right out of the gate!' he said.

'Now step two, hand over your weapons' he ushered us closer.

I asked sternly 'why should we?' to test them.

'Well they're not yours' he stated in a questioning manner.

Sasha looked across at me and then asked 'who's are they?'.

He walked closer to us and in a quieter but assured voice said 'your property now belongs to Negan'.

We looked at each other for a moment in a questioning manner until he said 'now if you can get your hands on a tanker, your people, our person wants to know'.

He walked closer again and asked 'so let's get those sidearms shall we?'.

He walked over to me first and beckoned with his hand when I refused, 'right now' he said.

I looked at him for a second and took out my gun which I had carved my initials into.

He took it and said 'thank you' with a egotistical smile as though he had already won.

Sasha took out her gun ready, he thanked her with a smile again.

Abraham hesitated for a minute until the man sighed and said 'if you have to eat shit, best not to nibble. Bite, chew, swallow, repeat. Goes quicker'.

Abraham slowly took out his gun and handed it over, the man smiled and mouthed 'thank you'.

Sasha sighed and asked 'who are you people?'.

'I get the curiosity, but we have questions ourselves and we'll be the ones asking them while we drive you back to wherever it is you call home...take a gander at where you hang your hats' the man said as he smiled excitedly.

That was it.

That was it for all of us, no matter what we had to do we had to protect Alexandria.

He spoke again, 'first though your shit, what have you got for us'.

My nose curled up as I stated 'yeah you just took it'.

'Come on, I mean can we not, okay theres more, there is always more' when he spoke, every syllable landed on that last part.

'T, take this gal to the back of the truck, start inside the back bumper work your way to the front' I hoped he meant the truck but knowing these thugs I feared the worst.

I could tell when I looked at Sasha and Abraham that they did too.

The man called 'T' pushed me as I fought back.

As soon as the man brought me round to the back of the truck, I appeared to be obliging showing him where everything was.

Once he bent down, he predicted my movements and tried to cut me but only nicked my arm when I slit his throat.

I tried to make as little noise as possible as I set the body down.

We had no guns in the back apart from an rpg that Abraham found when looking for cigars so I set it up and waited for my moment.

The leader carried on speaking to Sasha and Abraham and reminded them 'bite, chew, swallow, repeat'.

'Who's Negan?' Abraham bellowed.

He pointed a gun at Abraham while singing 'ding dong hells bells’.

‘You see usually, we introduce ourselves by just popping one of you right off the bat, but you seem reasonable people. You're sporting dressed blues for christ sake!...like I said we're gonna drive you back where you were. I mean do you know how awkward it is car-pooling with someone who's friend or friends you just killed? oof’ the man spoke slowly.

‘But, I told you not to ask any questions and then what does this ginger do? So thats that...I mean, I don't want you to get the wrong impression of me' he said readying his gun.

Sasha pleaded, 'wait!', 'wait' she said this time more controlled.

'You don't have to do this' she continued. At this the leader grabbed out another gun now pointing them both at Abraham.

Abraham mouthed 'shut up' to Sasha, 'I am talking to the man' she replied through gritted teeth.

'No you're not' said the leader, 'But, I'm not going to kill you'.

He then smiled and rolled his eyes, 'wait, wait, you know what yes I am!'.

Hearing this I fired the rpg from the back of the truck straight at them.

The blast caused Abraham and Sasha to fall backwards onto the road.

'Those sons of bitches are tougher than they look' I said walking towards them.

Sasha looked at my arm and asked concerningly 'did he cut you?'.

'A little...what a bunch of assholes' I replied.

Sasha and Abraham chuckled and we got back into the truck and drove for home.

'Let's get you fixed up at home' Sasha said, 'mhm' I replied in relief as I put pressure on my arm.

Molly thinks about Maggie on the way home and how she told her she would only be gone a few hours and already it was almost a day later. She had already tried to get in touch with Rick but to no avail, not knowing what was going on back home...

As we pulled up at the gates they were wide open with dozens of walkers roaming inside and seemingly all ganging up on one person.

'What the shit?!' I said to Sasha and Abraham as we hopped out the truck.

We rushed to get inside when Abraham suggested we climb up top and help from there.

We climbed up and we saw that it was Glenn they were after.

It was a strange feeling seeing him, relief that he was back and alive but nervous because he could get bit at any moment.

Maggie was on the watchtower which looked very unstable and Enid was up there with her.

We later found out that Enid and Glenn had come back after Nicholas had killed himself and Glenn had almost died there as well.

We rushed to line up our assault rifles and Maggie's screams bled through my ears as she thought he might die.

All three of us mowed down those walkers around Glenn as he was crouching on the ground.

We smiled and Abraham shouted 'nice to have you back pal!'.

Glenn smiled and we got down from the gate and shut them behind us, all of us now tackling the rest of the walkers which got in.

None of us slept that night, each one of us being so close to death. I had asked around after Daryl but everyone said he was still out there.

I wasn't too worried, he liked to go off on his own for days on end, then he would just show up at the gates one morning completely fine.

I tossed and turned, worrying about that group we met on the road.

Knowing that in the morning I had to talk to Rick about what we heard and someone called Negan.

[ask-elaine-caster-jojo-oc]

*plz mind of some bad writing, and grammar I wrote this at 2 in the morning...I was super tired*

"Alright Ms.Elaine just a few more pushes, and you'll be done" Elaine did her best pushing her baby out. She let out a few pants, exhausted from all that pushing, she belived that this moment would never end. All she wanted was to let this baby out of her.

"Its okay baby, I got you, you got a few more pushes, just keep on going!!" Said Polanreff with excitement while holding Elaine's hand, he waited 9 months for this moment to happen, to see his little boy or girl come into the world. Elaine took a deep breath and gave another big push, and another one from there, and one last one letting out a small scream. All of a sudden small cries can be herd in the hospital room....

8 hours before

It was around at 12 in the morning. The rain was softly hitting the window, Polanreff and Elaine were peacefully sleeping all cuddled up next to each other; Polnareff holding Elaine's pregnant belly; sometimes throughout the night giving a few caresses here and there. Elaine was gonna be due any day now, and he was ready when that time came. Elaine slowly opens her eyes for the feeling of having to go use the bathroom, during her pregnancy she would usally use the bathroom around 10 times a day having the urge to pee all the time. She moves Polanreffs arm and softly gets up not wanting to wake him up. He lets out a soft groan and tosses to the other side of the bed. She lets out a smile, and quitely sneaks into the bathroom. For the past few weeks whenever she got up, he always woke up to her walking and would jump up like crazy to see if the baby is coming or not, she would always calm him down telling him everything is alright. She opens the bathroom door, and turns on the light just as she gets ready to use the bathroom, she feels somthing ooze in between her legs making parts of her white nightgown get soaked. She looks down and shes a puddle of her own fluid. Her eyes widen knowing that her water broke.

"Hey Polnareff I-" She feels a sudden sharp pain in her stomach, and kneels down letting out a groan. She now knows this is big time, shes getting ready to have her baby.

"Polnareff please come here I need you!!!" Right after she says that, hes already at the bathroom door.

"WHAT, WHAT'S WRONG I HERD MY NAME, IS IT TIME!!!" She lets out a nod trying to endure the pain, and points on the floor where her water broke. He lets out a small gasp, and starts to let out a crazy ass smile.

"Yes finally, its time!!!! Im finally going to be a father.....Well we can't just wait any longer we need to get you to the hospital quick!!, but frist I need to call everyone so that they know you're getting ready to have the baby."

"Okay dear, but please hurry I dont want to deliver this baby right here in this house" said Elaine as she lets out a few pants. Polnareff runs out of the bathroom letting out a 'whoo' She couldn't help but laugh at him, she's never seem him been this excited before. A few minutes later, he comes back in telling her that hes ready to take her. They pack a few things and begin to go to the hospital. The hospital wasnt that far, but for Elaine it felt like an hour, all of this pain was driving her crazy. She lets out a few deep breaths trying to ease her pain.

"Dont worry honey were almost there." Polanreff said while putting a hand on her belly. They soon arrive at the hospital as he parks right next to the emergency room. He quickly runs out to the other side to get Elaine out, but when she tried to get up a huge pain hit her in her stomach she dropped back down letting out a moan. He eventually picks her up bridal style and carries her into the emergency room.

"Anyone, hurry my wife is about to have a baby, please get me a nurse!!!" He yelled out while Elaine was breathing like crazy, while groaning at the same time. A nurse ran out with a wheel chair, and let Polnareff put Elaine in the chair. The nurse told him to follow her to show them where Elaine is going to deliver the baby. They find the delivery room. Polnareff picks her up again and, puts her on the hospital bed. He strokes her hair telling her everything is going to be okay. Elaine couldn't deal with this pain, it was excruciating for her.

"Hey Polnareff??"

"Yeah honey??"

"You did this to me!!!!" She starts crying like crazy all she wanted was for this pain to go away.

"Honey calm down, everything is going to be fine just keep on breathing" he caresses her arms trying to comfort her. She breathes again, and eventually calms down, she still let out a few groans here and there, but breathing sure did help. A couple hours later the nurses made Elaine comfortable and got her ready to deliver. She was around 7 cm dilated, she was almost ready to give birth. They also gave her an epidural to help ease her pain. Polnareff sat right next to her helping her calm down, comforting her and giving her kisses. Elaine was still letting out a few breathes to ease the pain a little more. Beads of sweat rolling down her face. She turns to Polnareff letting out a small grin.

"Honey I cant belive it, were finally having a baby!!" She said in a exhausted tone.

"I know me too, 9 months ago when you told me you were pregnant I was so happy, right then and there I was ready for this moment." He grabs her hand.

"And I know we'll do great" He leans her hand to his lips and gives a small peck on her hand. Elaine puts her hand on his face, and lets out a smile. Soon Jotaro, Joseph, and Natsumi come in.

"Ah you guys made it thought you were never gonna make it" Said Polanreff jumping out of his seat hugging all of them. They all walk to Elaine.

"So how doing Elaine is everything alright" the old man said putting a hand on her shoulder.

"Yeah im good, just in a bit of pain but I'll get over it"

"So it finally comes to this, I never knew you guys were gonna get together, hell even get married, and have a kid, but you sure did good Polnareff." Jotaro said letting out a chuckle punching Polnareff, he blushes and lets out a nervous laugh.

"We tried to get here as fast as possible but there was alot of traffic on the way here" Jotaro said with a smile on his face.

"Oh my goodness I cant belive im fianlly going to be an aunt im glad we all flew down here till you had your baby" Said Natsumi while clapping her hands with excitement.

"I know Natsumi, and once when he or she is born, you can hold him or her, and spend time with the baby as many times as you like." Elaine lets out a wide girn. Natsumi tries to hold back her tears, and gives Elaine a huge hug.

"Ahhh I remember this type of moment when Holly was born. This type moment was the best thing that happened to me I-"

"Old man please can you not, you already told this story five thousand times." Jotaro said in a annoyed tone.

"Cmon Jotaro im just trying to ease the mood here, Elaine is literally in labor right now, this just makes me think of the good moments many years ago" Joseph puts a hand over his head, flustered from embarrassment.

"Now now you two, Joesph just loves telling that story, I dont mind a bit at all." Elaine tired her best to not let the both of them aruge. A nurse walks in with a clipboar, and had a few other things for her delivery.

"Okay guys, I think its time for the baby to come out. You three is it okay if you wait outside, the husband should only stay in the room for now, you can come in once the delivery is done." They all nod and respectfully walk out the room. Elaine can already feel thats she's ready to deliver. Her contractions have been increasing for the past half hour, deep down inside she knows its time. The nurse checks again to see if she was ready, and she was right!! Elaine was 10 cm dilated. A bunch of other nurses came in and doctors as well. They start to position Elaine so she can push the baby out.

"Alright Elaine are you ready to push??"

"Yes im ready" she grabs Polnareffs hand squeezing it tight.

"Okay then, take a deep breath for me" Elaine begins to breathe in.

"Now. PUSH!!!!"

End of flashback.....

"Congratulations Mr. And Mrs. Polnareff, Elaine just gave birth to a healthy baby girl." Baby cries are still lingering in the room. Elaine sighs from exhaustion, while tearing up. Finally all of her hard work was paid for. Her baby is fianlly here.

"You did amazing Elaine, im so proud of you!!" Polnareff said trying to hold back his tears. The doctor's cut off the ambilical cord, and wrapped the little one up in a blanket. They hand the baby to Elaine.

"Ms. Elaine make sure you have some skin on skin contact so the baby can connect with you" She moves part of the hospital gown to the side exposing part of her breast, and lands her baby to her chest. The baby eventully stops crying, and starts letting out a few coos.

"Shes pefect!!" Polnareff said again trying holding his tears back, while holding Elaine close.

"Im so proud of you again babe, you did so good."

"Thank you dear, and im proud of you for being here for me." Elaine gives a small kiss on Polanreffs cheek. They both look at their baby, and see that she has gray hair like her father, and two different colored eyes like her mother.

"Hi honey this is your mamma, I'm gonna take good care of you, and this is your dad hes gonna treat you well too." Elaine was crying again. She was so happy that her baby girl is in her arms.

"So Ellie, what do you think should we name her??" Said Polanreff while he was playing with his daughters fingers.

"I know, I think we call her Sherry." Polnareff looks at her in a shocked look.

"Sherry?!?! Like my sisters name sherry?!?!"

"Yes silly, I wanted to name her that because I know you loves and miss Sherry so and I just wanted to suprize you till the baby came. Do you want her to be named Sherry??" Polnareff starts to cry like crazy, he was so touched that Elaine wanted to name their daughter after his sisters name. He wipes his tears and lets out a sniff.

"Yeah, lets do that!! Lets call her Sherry."

[piracytheorist]

Chris apparently "I want what Sherry and Leon have" and went about it in the worse bad way (Sherry Birkin is in RE2 and she has powers/ lowkey abilities after being infected and cured of it) Leon and Sherry did see each other in RE6 (but somehow avoided mentioned Claire... thats bs I'll just say that)... also the "we have a clear shot line" is so much worse now and the "you're needed Eveline" is bad... side note I love how goofy the memory attached to the bottle in the Winters House is

In a way I find it kind of hilarious what they're doing with Chris, because unless any later games involve the Winterses in any manner, I won't even bother learning anything about the rest of the games, and it might be there where Chris might get some development on his very questionable decisions in RE8 and the DLC. So I'll be left with the thought that Chris was an insensitive idiot for no goddamn reason and I'll never look back in anything RE because I'm just not invested enough in the rest of the franchise. And I'm pretty sure Capcom knows there are people who are exactly like me and who they'll lose if they just shrug off Mia and Rose and instead have re7 and re8 as a mere stepping stone for Chris' character fallout. I just kind of find it ridiculous if that was what they were going for. Otherwise they made Chris an insensitive idiot for no goddamn reason ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

And yeah omg I was a little disappointed the post credits scene didn't show it was actually Ethan walking towards the car, but the whole scene has a whole new light now with what we know of the DLC. Rose willingly working for Chris' team but they still have a sniper trained on her at all times?? With Chris' questionable behavior, it's not a stretch to think he might have actually become a villain by this point and full-on using Rose (and betraying Ethan's trust and last request to him). And the Eveline part... Because Rose saw with her eyes what Eveline tried to do, and them "joking" about it? After she had spent her childhood being bullied for her powers, now willingly using them to help them and they still bully her about it?

And that is supposed to be the end? Oh Capcom you silly little goose :)

Like honestly even after my first impression of the DLC I wasn't sure they would do a Chris corruption route... But honestly all this would be a pretty good setup for that. Maybe that's why he's keeping her away from Mia, to alienate her from any family and make her feel unwanted and unlovable, practically making Eveline 2.0 but this time making Rose trust him... I mean the other guy did call her Eveline to her face... Maybe it's more than just a joke, maybe they call her that because that's how they see her 🙃 then I'd say it's a very good thing Rose keeps some parts of her powers a secret from Chris.

I mean that's all just a theory, I don't know anything about the other games and their story, I may be overestimating the writers and/or seeing things that aren't there. I am sorry Chris fans. I'm just having Thoughts™.

That memory with the bottle is pure Ethan cheesiness. "She just cannot get enough of this stuff! :D" in casual sappy Ethan fashion. His other memories are cute and emotional or just him wondering how she'll be like when she grows up, and this one is just "Look at my baby girl she loves drinking milk isn't she amazing!!". God idk what they're doing with Chris and what I'm supposed to think they're doing, but with Ethan they knew what they were doing and they knew what we wanted. He barely has any spoken lines and he expresses so many emotions in his words, I love him so much 🥹

[ajaxeology]

hi sherry!! thursday here :3 congrats on 200 followers!!!

i'd like to request a romantic matchup pls~ for the preferred gender, any gender is okay as long as it's a genshin character who's an adult!!

things about myself... i like playing genshin (ofc hehe), reading, drawing, journaling, and i have a hobby wherein i use plain scraps of paper as bookmarks and on them, i write words i don't know from the books i'm reading, then look up their meanings and write them in a journal. i also like anime music a lot!! for my personality... aside from what you know alr thru our convos, i abide by a trinity of main principles in my life: intuition, intrepidity, integrity. interesting facts... i know how to read astrology charts and tarot cards, does that count? ehe. for dislikes... i don't like when ppl go 'thats the way things are' and just resign themselves to reality, especially if the reality is an unjust or cruel one.

thank you in advance!! <3

Sylvain <3 <3 Thank you for requesting for a matchup!! I hope you will like this :"">> *sits down and fiddles w/ my fingers*

I match you up with Itto!

Itto comes off as someone with a strong sense of ideals and beliefs that he abides by, just like you. From what I know and understand, I think you two have similar or overlapping ideals which would help you two to get along. He’d even adore you so much because of your beliefs and sticking to them. Of course, there’s a possibility of you two clashing due to this, but I know you two can sensibly come to a solution to solve it (or at least you can ;>)

To elaborate on the point above, let’s start with you disliking people resigning to how reality is. Itto isn’t someone who just lets things be and he does his part to change things too. Maybe even for yourself, there are days you’re tired of fighting reality. He’ll be there to make sure you get the sufficient rest you need and be there to make sure you get back up and face this cruel reality! All with your hand in his and him walking by your side. Bonus big toothy smile with crinkled eyes as his additional reassurance.

Itto might not be actively interested in your hobby, but I feel like he’d look over your shoulder a lot to see what you’re doing. Craning his neck behind you without getting too close to you as he doesn’t want to disturb you. But when he sees something that piques his interest, he’ll probably straight up put his hand on your shoulder (as support) and lean into whatever you’re doing from behind you.

I think he’d often try to peek into the journal with words you don’t know. Maybe he’ll try to use that big word you just wrote in to try to impress you. Itto thinks intelligence is going to make you fall for him more. He always uses the word wrongly and you’d have to correct him too. 

I can see anime music being the type of music that Itto enjoys. Two of you will probably play them out on a loudspeaker when you guys are alone. Itto will probably sing along out loud (even if he goes off tone sometimes or when he’s not even too familiar with the lyrics). He’ll pretend he’s in a concert and get up, being super expressive with his moves. Every once in a while when his skin is thick as hell (as if it already isn’t though), he’ll pretend you’re his audience and wink at you or outstretch his hand towards you as an invitation to join him.

Itto will ask you about his astrological sign and make you read tarot cards a lot for him. When you read them and you tell him of an unfavourable possible outcome, he’ll scoff and say it’s all “baloney”. In the case whatever you predict happens, he comes back and says “I guess they have a little credibility…” 

If the opposite happens, he’ll cheer and be super grateful to you. If it ends up unfavourable though, he’ll come to you and demand compensation (which ends up in cuddles and hugs). Smh Itto. 

Whenever you’re feeling down, Itto is the kind of guy to do whatever it takes to cheer you up and even go out of his way to do it. Who knows if he’ll climb atop the building across and start singing your favourite anime song aloud.

Beetle-fighting with Itto? Just know that when he loses and says “I went easy on you because I love you”, he didn’t. You just got a better beetle <3. At times, you’re the one who goes easy on him and he doesn’t even realise it. Gives you a big teddy bear hug whenever he wins. 

I’m sorry to request this of you but please keep him out of trouble

Just as a little extra, for the female characters, I feel like you'd go really well with Amber, Beidou and Yoimiya hehe

I think you'd go super well with Thoma too <3. Itto just happened to a character who just popped into my mind as I was reading your ask

[jeongjaebae]

okay is very interesting with how i start biasing members. i know in nct dream i necer really biased donghyuck I LOVE HIS PERSONALITY HIS LOOKS HIS TALEBT HIS EVERYTHING but it was until that one weekly idol fancam dancing to boom AAAAA SHERRI DO YOU KNOW HOW WHIPP3D THAT MAN HAD ME??? IT WAS HIS FIT and the way he dances compared to the other members is SO ATTRACTIVE esp during jaemin's part. the other members are a bit snappy with their hips but donghyuck sways AND ITS JUST....HIS BODY CONTROL OH MY GODDDDDDD anyway i still ult hyuck to this day

AND AND AND YOU KNOW WHEN TBZ SANG BANG BANG? THEY DID IT TWICE RIGHT one on come on tbz summer rpg and the other weekly idol AND THE WAY.....HYUNJAE SINGS IN BOTH HAD ME BIASING HIM IMMEDIATELY LIKE RIGHT WHEN I GOT INTO TBZ aside from eric eric was my first BUT YEAH IT WASNT HIS PERSONALITY OR LOOKS BUT HIS VOCAL CONTROL ESP WHEN HE SINGS TROT i love hak sangyeon SANGYEON DOES TROT SO WELL IM SCREAMING BUT HYUNJAE????? im rewatcging it again THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR MY SANITY OKAY LISTEN WHEN THEY SANG BANG BANG IN THE SUMMER RPG ITS HYUNJAES SECOND LINE WHERE HE SIBGS esp when he sings mt halla in the south OMFGDGDYDKSGSJ SHERRI IDK BUT THE WAY HE DROPS HIS VOICE LIKE THIS IS SOOOO INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE TO ME i remember it being the first ever thing i watched from tbz and i watched it with my closest friend and i wouldnt shut up about how good he sounded WAIT I MIGHT HAVE TO SEND ANOTHER ASK BC I GENUINELY CANT SHUT UP ABOUT HYUNJAE AND THIS SONG dont even get me started on the weekly idol rendition omfg THE WAY HE SYARTS IT OFFFFFFFFF IS ILLEGAL ILLEGALLLLL I CANT HES SO HYUNJAE IS HOW DOES HE HUH?????????? tbz and trot is my absolute weakness its not even funny

like yk when they performed on immortal songs? THAT SPECIFIC PART WHERE THEY TRANSITION AND KEVIN IS SITTING ON THE GROUND OFNFGFJHFKFHDK HIS VOICE YHERE HIS VOICE HIS VOICECECECECCECCCECE and then hak hitting that highnote ALSO SUNWOOS AND ERICS RAP?????????? ESP SUNWOO GOD I LOVE HIS FLOW SO MUCH when stanning tbz finding a rapper with his style and flow and everything is so satisfying I ABSOLUTELY LOVE KHIPHOP W RAP BUT IM PICKY SO IT DEPENDS ON WHAT OR HOW ITS EXECUTED LIKE in full dash all three members have their own color BUT OHHHHHHH MY GOD SUNWOO IN THAT SONG IS PERFECTION??? THE WAY HE HOPS IN AND HIS RAP thats an example of something i vibe with so incredibly much like thats the model example I REALLY WANNA LISTEN TO IT NOW ITS JUST S O GOOD LIKE GETTING INTO TBZ HAS FILLED MY RAP NEEDS I LOVE HIM SM like his rap in giddy up second verse HE....LIKE ITS THE REASON ITS ONE OF MY FAVORITE TTS B E C A U SE OF THAT RAP just his vibe hsi flow my god sherri im in tears

SORRY THIS IS SO LATE but omg hold up imma go watch this haechan fancam rn. i mEAN considering how he's basically perfect i guess it's surprising you didn't bias him before this moment LOL. but i can see what you mean - idk much about dance but his isolations are so well done OH AND also his relaxed, almost lazy kind of expression that makes it look like everything's so easy to him? that is... quite... attractive :')

ok moving onto tbz!! gurl.... u had me thinking this was bigbang's bang bang bang at first glance, then i realized that i have in fact watched this video before LOL but i definitely agree that it was a good clip to kinda assess their vocals. OH you know what? i'm noticing a pattern here 👀 you pointed out hyunjae's second line about mt halla and yes the vocal control is great but.... it seems to be more about how easy he makes it look rather than amount of talent or anything like that 👀👀👀 because he makes it look easy, almost in like a cocky kind of relaxed way like haechan in the boom dance video haha. OKAY BUT SPEAKING OF TROT, i agree!!! would love to hear hyunjae sing trot tbh, and i always thought that his first line in russian roulette totally sounded like it could be a trot song (and i'd love to hear him even jokingly turn it into a trot version HAHA). onto the weekly idol ver now - i have indeed seen this before but did not pay that much attention oops LOL. but omg he's insane with those vocal flips wtf. love them being able to showcase their lower registers tho

omg the immortal songs performance was exactly two years ago :'')) this one i have never seen!! the way sangyeon starts it... OKAY BUT sangyeon acting debut WHEN????? i'm waiting for the day man, IST is wasting his talent :(( kevin's voice was so nice!! also center hak!!! why don't we get this anymore, like just look at his charisma!!! sunwoo's rap was indeed so good tho esp the way he does this triplets is so attractive and followed by eric right after?!?! and yeah full dash was so much funnnn ahhh. omg BUT GURL sunwoo's rap in giddy up verse 2 is the reason why it took me WEEKS to three star it on sstbz >:(( and why i still cannot three star stealer verse 2 LMAOO. ooh you like khiphop though? any song recs? i was rlly into it back in like 2018/2019 when there was some good stuff (smtm, aomg/illionaire) but haven't really found anything i liked in recent years :((

LMAO idek if i can tell you exactly when i started biasing people, but uhhh there is this one video that comes to mind even though it's a random moment. but basically hyunjae in the 100, idk what ep but he was coming from practicing with vocal line and going to practice with the dance line and just ?????!??!?? to be the only person to do that???? idk man, the way he walked in... there's just something about being an all rounder and all. makes me wanna fight him bc who can be that perfect >:((

[latinalesbi]

when you look at the pictures from Turks and now watch the episode Teri and Stef seem sad?!!

Oh yeah, that was what I was saying to people. Like, Stef just seems off in this entire thing. I know that part of it is that she’s “changed” which so far seems to mean that she’s a meek former butch who shuts her mouth, instead of speaking. The other part is this sadness that Teri has probably about the personal betrayal and the end of her work with Sherri as her wife. It’s palpable.

Anonymous said:                                                                      Whatever the outcome of the finale just sad they felt the need to put Brallie front and center. They could’ve used that as a hook for their new show to garner viewers. Still holding out a glimmer of hope tomorrow’s episode will do ALL the cast notably Stef and Lena justice and a satisfying ending though I’m really not sure that’s going to happen. 😢   

I am going to tell you what is going to happen. Lots of flashbacks. Lots of Brallie flashbacks, surely. But in terms of Stef and Lena, all the scenes at the resort, we have seen in one way or another. Run to the beach, take off clothes, cut. Return to scene later, get caught by in-laws, run back hiding. So sad. Conversation about kids and future later. The wedding or whatever and reception. Back at home, they agree to sell the house, they go to the backyard, reminisce about Frankie, and then all the events that they’ve had in their backyard, including their 2 weddings and even Callie’s birthday. Then a scene outside the house. End of show.

Anonymous said:                                                                      Why does the fosters insist on bringing brallie back I honestly couldn’t care less. Eliza seems good just her parents are… ugh. And the lack of Stef and Lena screentime in these last few eps? I wish the finale was based more on family but hey just my opinion       

I think that’s why this sucks. If he loves her, then marry her, stop looking for excuses not to. It’s either cold feet or he doesn’t love her. Oh I can’t even talk about the lack of air time for them. It’s really the final insult. I am done. The ones with the least time should be calliana.

Anonymous said:                                                                      My frustration with Brallie is people’s explanations as to why it’s okay. ‘Oh but they didn’t grow up together’ that is such a slap in the face for people who have been adopted later in life, essentially they don’t really count in families. I get people love the idea of the two of them being together but honestly just think about real situations and if it did happen what this show would be projecting. The show was based around 2 lesbian moms bringing up a blended family, thats its true legacy.    

Oh yeah, trust me, if I am lucky I will have adopted my girls by year’s end. I don’t want anyone in my family messing with them. If my wife’s nephew hit on one of my girls, I would disown them. This new article, they really miss the point, the show’s legacy is the two moms. They hate admitting it though. Do you know how many people will remember the shit they talk about? No one. Jude and Connor are about it.

Anonymous said:                                                                      Teri and Sherri in the spinoff? Really? I guess now would be the time for contracts etc. Surely the producers would let us know. It may take some of the heat off them. Personally I hope the two of them would tell them to stick it as I don’t want either of them to aid those that essentially dumped them but that’s just me being a tad bitter 😜             

Joanna is pulling shit out of her ass. I don’t think they’ve agreed to anything. They just want to be able to tell you, oh we tried. It just wasn’t possible. We really waned them though. There’s no reason for them to come back. I hope they don’t but I don’t blame them if they do, especially if they want to work together.

  Anonymous said:                                                                      The Fosters was unique for me in that it transcended demographics, the audience was so wide it was a beautiful thing. Steadily it has been dumbed down to being another teen drama. The social impact side had merits but disjointed the family so much it became a detriment for me. The last 3 eps should’ve been a beautiful send off instead they are baiting fans, rehashing old stories for shock value. The beauty of The Fosters early seasons was its simplicity; family came first, not anymore sadly. 

Yeah the last episodes should have been a gift. Instead, it’s a slap. The family is the last thing they care about.

Anonymous said:                                                                      I don’t think Stef and Lena will get to adopt Corey. Which is dumb like why bring him in at the last second just have him ripped away from them? I hate the writers of this show more than I’ve hated any writers ever.            

Yeah, I don’t think so either. A lot of things in that story are hitting close to home to me. I wish they had covered more of that in terms of the foster care system and the frustrations on both sides. I don’t know what the point is, but everything with stef and lena has been half assed for a long time.   

Anonymous said:                                                                      It’s really sad that we might have to ignore the canon of these last 3 episodes. They could have done a really good job wrapping this show up but they stopped caring about Stef and Lena a long time ago, had to bring back the grossest ship ever, and make sure everyone knows that Callie and Mariana have a new show coming. It’s all disgusting and horrible and I will never forgive the writers for they’ve done to this show.

Yeah, I am prepared to ignore most of it. I like corey so I could see myself writing some of that particularly because I know how emotionally hard it is to go through a contested foster/adoption situation. Luckily in my situation, mom never worked her plan. Using Brallie to pimp the side show, not shocking. They will use anything. All they care about is how many people post in the hash tags. They have no concern about the content.

Anonymous said:                                                                      the episode last night was a joke right?                 

It was a nightmare. I wish not to repeat it.

Anonymous said:                                                                      Having withdrawal symptoms at the lack of Sherri tweeting, lol. Hope she’s on it tomo.             

You’ll get your wish, she’s tweeting tonight. I know she’s doing it for the fans, not to promote.

Anonymous said:                                                                      I hope Teri won‘t attend the viewing party tomorrow either.  I actually hoped that Sherri & Teri would at least watch together but since Sherri is on vacation it won‘t happen :( but I hope Sherri will post some photos/videos on IG or twitter of her and Teri             

I hope Sherri is still in Mexico.

[godtier-rose]

healing is hard

I’ve recently went through something so unreal to me that I’m still honestly pretty emotional and still working through it.  I kept a little measly journal while I was in a psych ward, and I have now been home for almost a week and have typed up all six days I had spent there. This is going to be such a LONG post, but if you are struggling, or just curious about what a psych ward was like from my point of view, go on and read this. 

I want others to know that they aren't alone with their suicidal thoughts. I feel shy and a little embarrassed talking about mine, and my depression, but thats what landed me in there. I didn't ask for help. 

My sister gave me “It’s Kind of a Funny Story” while I was in there, and it just felt nice to read something that someone else went through that I was then going through. Thats why I wrote every day in my little booklet while I was in there.

I was given a second chance that others do not get. People have already denied my experience. I don’t care. People who try to tell you that what happened to you wasn’t real, literally don’t matter. I didn’t try to kill myself to prove anything to anyone. I didn’t plan on surviving. But I lived. 

Here are my days, as best recalled and sloppily written as I can manage, not being the best writer: 

day 0 - last day

the walk to publix is simple. after spending an hour or so browsing the web for lethal doses of drugs, I settle on tylenol pm. 8 is dangerous. I can do that, I tell myself. I buy a bottle and a lunchable ( I have beer at home right? I think so), last meal goals? I almost run home, i’m grossly excited to die. sickening. but I was told one that I would never be remembered. I feel at peace. I won’t have to think about living after i’m gone, not about my depression, not about my feelings, money, stress, no consequences. living is so hard and dying is so easy.

no one else is home, I planned this perfectly. one handful, one beer. repeat. repeat. feel dizzy. fall around the room. knock shit over. people come home. I babble nonsense and say i’m going to bed. my note has been written. I tell no one what i’m doing, I don’t want to be stopped. I don’t want to survive this. no texts and no tweets, people will find out eventually. who cares, not my problem anymore.

drink. swallow more pills. drink. swallow. I stopped counting at 9 beers and 20 something tylenol. I hadn’t eaten all day, my lunchable is long forgotten. i’m a 5’1”, 98 pounds, this should do it. I don’t remember how much I ingest after that.

I black out, finally. i’m ready to die.

day 0 part 2 - not yet

and then???????

I wake up. mouth dry. vision so blurry I panic. I can barely stand. I think i’m going to be sick but nothing comes out. breathing hurts. everything hurts, everything is heavy, wavy,confusing.

i didn’t die. I was given another chance. panic, my body is shutting down, I text my sister, I call poison control, i’m too scared to dial 911. i’m not important or worth it.

I decide to get a fucking uber.(someone told me an ambulance ride is $1,000, fuck that) he pulls up and goes “...hospital???” and i’m standing there, swaying. Yes. please. he freaks out and seems confused, but drives fast and rushes me in. a man has me fill out paperwork and then he asks what’s wrong. I tell him I swallowed more than 20 tylenol to kill myself. I don’t remember how many I  swallowed after 20, I don’t know how much I drank after that. he calls out a stretcher and i’m rushed away. all of my things are taken from me. i’m changed into a hospital gown (butt cheeks OUT, hospital gowns are embarrassing ) they take my blood, they put an IV into me (I almost pass out when I feel the cold go inside my vein, what the fuck) I don’t know what they pump into me but it feels weird and i’m freaked out. tabs are placed all over my body, i’m hooked up to an EKG machine. charcoal tablets( I think ? something for my stomach or liver they say? I'm not a doctor I don't know ) are taken. the nurse asks “honey why would you do this? why are you sad? what is there to be sad about?” a lot. she says i’m lucky that i’m still alive, the amount of alcohol and acetaminophen I consumed and still had in my body should have killed me or shut down my liver. I wanted to say “that was the goal” but I shut up as she took my vitals.

hours pass, I ask for my phone and they say I can look at it once...only once, and make it just a few minutes. then they put it in a bag with my clothes and purse. nurses and doctors walk past my room and peek in and whisper. one finally goes “is this her? the suicide ?” a woman from another room yells back “Yeah that’s the baker act”. i’m embarrassed. nurses and doctors keep stopping by my room to look in and I keep trying to avoid their eyes. I ask to use the restroom and I have to pee with the door open in the middle of the hospital, i’m not allowed to close it (suicide means 24 hour watch).I hate this. I ask my nurse if i’m going home tonight, she says “no baby, we can’t let you go home” I start crying. I call my sister from the nurses flip phone and tell her i’m not coming home.

it’s almost midnight now, hospital food is awful and i’m watching chopped on the tv above my bed. another nurse told me god saved my life. another tells me i’m “too young to be sad”.

“the baker act is being transferred” that’s what i’m called, i’m the suicide. the baker act. another stretcher comes, i’m loaded on. another hospital. I get to ride in an ambulance for the first time, the paramedics think it’s funny when I tell them that I took an uber to the hospital. “I bet it was cheaper, that’s for sure.”

they take me 10 minutes away, to a place that has a mental health unit. I have to sit downstairs in a room to wait for a bed. I go to the bathroom and a nurse yells at me and he slams the door open, saying “you can’t close this, you have to go with the door open!” i’m given a turkey sandwich and a little fruit cup, sitting in a reclining chair, it’s 2 am when they say I can go upstairs now. a screaming man was brought in when I was leaving, the nurses yelling at him saying he’s here because he was found naked in the bushes waving a samurai sword. I laugh and a nurse asks me what’s so funny.

I meet someone up on the 6th floor, the psych ward floor. She takes me to a room and I have to strip down. she marks a body chart with my tattoos, my burns, my cuts. i’m asked for the millionth time why i’m there. she gives me a new gown and brings me to my room. it’s a plain as it gets, and my roommate is asleep. it’s 2:30am.

I lay down in the most basic bed with this pillow that’s literally filled with something paper like. I sleep like shit.

day 1 in the psych ward

i am woken up again at 6am for vitals. I fall back to sleep until my roommate and I wake up to an announcement at 8:30. we stay in bed and talk a little. she’s here for swallowing 50 xanax, I say “shit, you beat me, I blacked out at 20 something tylenol” she’s impressed. she’s a 46 year old mother. kara. a doctor comes to see us and talks about the severity of what we both have done, tells us what meds they will be putting us on. we leave our room and look around, a nurse tells us we missed breakfast, but she gets us some cereal and juice. this place is full of interesting people, I watch in awe. a woman (marlene)keeps saying she’s frank sinatras daughter and that someone keeps burning her with cigarettes (no smoking allowed and she just yelled that it was happening just then, when no one was around her) another woman (isabelle) claims she works for the phone company, and takes one of the hospitals phones and takes it apart (breaks it) and says she got the bug out. a man (joe) won’t stop yelling for nurses. another woman (mary) keeps petting everyone’s hair. me and kara stick close to each other that morning. I speak with a case manager, who tells me i’ll be here a few days because of how severe my case is. whatever. I call my sister on the cord phone they have on the wall, ask her to bring me some books and clothes. I feel embarrassed to be walking around in the hospital gown. I tell her “it says we have arts and crafts today at 1:45”, she can’t stop laughing, “are you fucking serious???” it literally says Arts and Crafts on the daily events whiteboard.

I ask a nurse if I can shower, she gives me a towel and unlocks the shower door, where an open shower with no cover or curtain is, but I can lock the door.a broken soap dispenser holds a shampoo/bodywash combo (LAME), and there’s a few bandaids on the shower floor. I have to stand on my tiptoes to get close to the water. this sucks. after my shower it’s “process group” time, where kara and i get to meet some of the others, talk about our feelings, the works. kristie, sherri, carl, natalie, andrew, and myself and kara are the most sane and coherent. we all sit near each other at lunch. kristie is here for cutting herself, sherri for OD’ing, carl for suicidal thoughts, andrew for trying to slit his throat on drugs. I️ get mystery meatloaf for lunch. kara asks the nurse where to get a toothbrush after lunch, the nurse goes “maybe if you left your room and ask, you’d get one earlier.” I get defensive of my roomie and say “well ma’am i’m sorry we didn’t exactly pack for this, the plan wasn’t to make it here alive” kara, kristie, carrie, and andrew lose it, they can’t stop laughing. the nurse walks away.

someone tells me that after lunch a woman comes around with a menu, and you can order your lunch for the next day. I order chicken parm and mac n cheese and breakfast for others and cereal for myself. I order dinner for kara because she’s napping and I don’t want her to be cursed with the mystery meatloaf again.

after lunch is arts and crafts, where I make my sister a bracelet and then help a man from the other wing make a bracelet for his daughter.

after arts and crafts is a bit of free time, me and kara sit together and talk with a few of the others. the days feel so long here. my sister brings me clothes, makeup, toiletries and books, but i’m not allowed to see her. she gave me “Its kind of a funny story” and said that I️ had to read it because the kid gets baker acted. she brought me the extra clothes and stuff I asked for, I wander around and give clothes to some of my friends who aren’t able to have someone bring them any. I get conditioner, face wash, shampoo, body wash, and lotion, and become the toiletry mom who hands out and shares it with everyone who wants to use it in the shower.

eventually it’s dinner, and since we only got to order for the next day, kara and I are stuck with meatloaf again. I call elspeth after dinner and tell her about my day, tell her not to tell anybody i’m here, not even my parents, tell her to tell them my phone is dead and i’m at a friends, I don’t want anyone to know yet. i’ll y’all when i’m out and ready. she says she got mad and told some people what I did, but they didn’t believe her. that’s fine, I tell her they can never contact me ever again because they don’t care. I have nothing to prove. I lived and am now locked in a god damn mental ward. I have more important things in my life besides caring about people acting like they know what I did and why I did it. my goal was to be dead and not have to deal with this, but I got another shot so let me fucking be. i tell her there is visitation tomorrow from 6pm-8pm. I tell her that one of my friends was going to hang out with me, and that I can’t make it. also that I was messaging another friend and that she can tell him what happened, he will be understanding and caring. (shoutout to my sister for holding everything together while I could only contact the outside world through her via a phone with a cord)

after that I lie in bed and read my toradora manga elspeth also brought me. vitals are checked. a doctor ask me how i’m feeling, etc.

eventually we get snack time? which is juice, popcorn, bananas, and bread with PB&J.

finally it’s bedtime, my first day is complete. this all feels surreal. I write everything in the back of a booklet I was given earlier. I sleep like shit again.

day two, the days are still so long

6 am, vitals again. back to sleep. an announcement at 8 am gets me and Kara awake, it says there’s “grooming” taking place, where you’re allowed to shave your facial hair or armpits in front of the nurses, in a sink, and also they have mouth wash. great.

8:30, breakfast. the board says that there’s pet therapy today, and visitation tonight!!!!

process group again. I shower. lunch. my food isn’t as awful as the meatloaf but it’s still hospital food. carl tells me I have to go to the meds window to ask for my meds, but warns me they will have me sign a paper. they don’t tell you, but the paper is a voluntary admission form that once you sign, your baker act is no longer valid and you can only leave if a doctor says you can. I say that’s BS because I wanna go home after my 72 hours. he says if I don’t sign, they just re-baker act you. no way. I go to the window and ask for my meds, and the nurse gives me a paper and says “sign this to get your medication”. it’s the voluntary admission form. I ask her if I sign this, what happens. she said it’s the “first step towards getting better”. I said “if I sign this my baker act is removed and i’m becoming a voluntary patient right?” she says “well....yes, but it’s the first step towards getting better.” I ask her what happens if I don’t sign it. she goes “....well then you will probably be here a longer time :(“ I end up signing the papers, i’m fucked either way. I didn’t even want to take prozac or be i’m this place.

pet therapy gives us a golden retriever named JR who is so cute and licks my face. I love him. it brightened a lot of people’s days. after dinner we get visitation, everyone eats fast and me and kara stay behind to help the nurses clean up.

i’m so excited for visitation. i️ told my sister she can bring someone with her. kara’s family and daughter are coming too, I get to meet them. elspeth comes and brings an old friend, I hug her and him for so long, it feels so good. you find out who is really there for you. I tell them all about my crazy day and how there was a bra left on the floor in the public room and how people keep acting out. I give elspeth the bracelet I made her in arts and crafts, I meet kara’s family. it made my day. after visitation is snacks, a young girl comes in and I feel instantly protective of her. I ask her if she has clothes and she says no, so after I sneak extra snacks for her, I run to my room and gather up a shirt and pants, lotion, and some of the graham crackers packs i snuck from snack time, I run back and give them all to her, tell her that i’m in room 604 and she can ask me for anything. I tell her how this place runs, as if i’m a pro even though i’ve been here for 2 days. she’s so thankful, her name is Destinee.

eventually, it’s bedtime again. I journal and fall into another shitty sleep.

day threeeeee...get me out of here

once again, 6 am vitals. back to sleep until 8 am announcements. I decide to get my butt up and shave my armpits in a sink during grooming time. we aren’t allowed to shave our legs, but whatever i’ll take what I can get.

my day follows a constant schedule. always breakfast at 8:30, process group, I shower, the board tells me today is more arts and crafts and bingo tonight. kara, kristie and I sit in our room and talk about cam girls and people who buy feet pictures. kara is fascinated that kristie and I know so much about the dirty web.

I start reading “It’s Kind of a Funny Story” and it’s so similar to my situation. Craig is baker acted and he’s taken to the 6th floor (i’m on the 6th floor, are all psych wards there??). he talks about the food, the people, even the shape of the ward (shaped like an H), which is what my psych ward is shaped like ! it’s a good book, I feel like the author right now, as I type up my experiences. being here is honestly so crazy I just had to write about it.

there’s another group and this time it’s a mix of all the wings, (I am in the East Wing, the west wing is the violent or dangerous patients.) one guy from the west wing tries to start a fight with Cheryl, the rec therapist. he leaves angry.

in arts and crafts I become notorious for being able to find any letter bead asked of me, maria from the west wing says any letter and I dig through the bead box and find it for her. I help another guy make a ring. I make a bracelet for someone who cares about me.

lunch is late because the guy who got mad during group, started a fight in the dining hall and all of us from the east wing watched from the window. he threw his tray and food was everywhere. we see him on the floor and find out he was probably sedated.

we eat, continue our day. I read my book and hang in my bed. kara’s family brought magazines for us, so we share those and read about the outside world. I miss my phone and the internet. I talk to a doctor who says I won’t be going home this weekend. (it’s friday today, so she says maybe monday because of how severe my case is.) kara gets the same news. the doctors all say “well imagine how bad it would look if we release you now and you kill yourself, you were in our care, that would be on our hands.” what a lame excuse.

later is dinner, our table always consists of the same group of people, a nurse says “why do you all sit together always???” we love it. we laugh and all share what we have witch each other.  

bingo is next, where carl says you can win prizes, and he’s gonna try to win some deodorant because the nurses keep refusing to give anyone any. that’s so sad. I win a game and give carl the deodorant, he says I didn’t have to do that.

snacks. then bed.

day four!!!!!

same basic schedule, except today it says game day for our activity.  

we get to the dining hall and it’s decked out with a wii, basket ball hoops, a ping pong table, and a bunch of other board games. andrew and I play wii bowling, and then I play jenga with kara.

kristie and carl have gone home, I miss them already but I hope they are doing okay. a new guy named paul joins us all, we tell him what’s up. me, destinee, sherri, and paul all sit on the hallway floor and talk about crazy shit. a new woman named virgina walks around and spills her tea everywhere, talking about being american and carrying a stack of 8 books that she occasionally reads out loud to nobody in particular.

we have a different night nurse, his name is richard and he’s literally the best. he tells us at snack time that he’s opened the “patio” (a gated in balcony connected to the dining hall that none of the nurses ever feel like opening because they don’t want to watch us) I literally run and andrew makes fun of the faces i’m making because i’m so excited to breathe outside air.

after that, richard pulls out a box full of movies and say we can all have a movie night in the community tv living room. everyone decides on jeepers creepers 2. it was a great night.

I continue to sleep like shit, and I have a dream about my ex.

day 5! when can I leave???

it’s sunday and kara has to miss her mothers surprise party. we want to go home! there aren’t even any case managers here today, so we can’t even talk to anyone. we MIGHT go home tomorrow, we are told. not for sure. sherri goes home tomorrow!!! I give her one of my sweaters to keep and we exchange numbers for when we are on the outside.

football is on the community tv and I call my friend and say “watch this, your team is gonna win and this other team is gonna lose.” his team wins and I can’t stop laughing, I was just kidding but it somehow worked.

my day still follows the basic schedule.

day 6: FALSE HOPE

i’m not going home today! lame!!!!! a doctor tells me there’s no discharge order for me today, but there’s one for tomorrow! i’ll take it.

the board says today is music and drum therapy. also there will be games tonight in the dining hall.

the loud guy who yells constantly, joe, is leaving today. we all secretly cheer when he leaves, because he just yelled at people to make his bed and to come to his room. now i can read without having to here someone yelling “NURSEEEEEEE” down the hall every 3 minutes.

drum therapy is fun, we all get to sit and bang in drums to describe how we are feeling.

music therapy is just “pick one song on youtube and toni the rec therapist will play it on the TV” I pick human by the killers.

kara and I play jenga for games night, it’s our thing now. richard is here again and we are so happy, that means patio and movie night. my last night is spent surrounded by my support group as we laugh on the patio, sharing a blanket with kara as we watch Disturbia, and drawing pictures for destinee until it’s time for bed. I make sure I have everyone’s numbers written in the back of my booklet. I ask the meds window for something to help me sleep, i’m too anxious and know I won’t fall asleep tonight. they give me ativan ? and I go to bed. I finally don’t sleep like shit.

Day 7: Freedom

IM GOINNNG HOMEEEE!!!!! 

I wake up excited and make sure I get together my belongings. I’m visited by doctors and case managers, nurses give me plastic bags to put stuff in. I make sure I give nurse millie a big hug. kara isnt leaving until tomorrow, so i give her a big hug too. the community board says tonight is karaoke night, and I feel bad that I have to miss it, but I leave before lunch. the hospital drives me home in a van, and i’m so excited when I step outside. I start crying and the driver brings me home. I cry again. I take the worlds longest shower and I go get some chick fil a. I sit outside for hours. I hold baby kitty and start crying. I check all my social media. I reply to texts. I sit my mom down and tell her what happened. I do not tell my dad or my brother. my stepdad is in germany and I will tell him when he’s home. ———- afterthoughts:

    the mental health system is fucked. not one doctor or therapist or psychiatrist really helped anyone in that psych ward. if you asked for underwear or deodorant the nurses wouldn’t want to give you any, they said “well you have one pair of underwear already.” some nurses and doctors were kind, but not one of them had any type of sensitivity or empathy. my first three days there, half the nurses assumed I was one of the drug addicts and kept trying to give me nicotine patches and tried having me go to AA meetings. in group “therapy” we were asked how we felt and that was it. the doctors asked us from 1-10 our depression and anxiety, and then gave us meds. we were told if we tried to leave after our 72 hour baker act, that we would just be re-baker acted and be there longer. asking questions was like a game of “which nurse do we ask so that they don’t say no or ignore us” I was not given any type of one on one sessions with a therapist. I was just repeatedly asked “why would you do this? what do you have to be sad about?” they made an appointment for 7 days after I left, never contacted my sister, and let me leave. I swore every night when I prayed (I feel cheesy but I also feel like I owe god my life at this point) that when i’m out, I will put together a box of clothes and books and stuff for arts and crafts and game nights. they have six books and hardly any crafts, and almost no clothes for people who come in with nothing and have to wear the hospital robes. people deserve better. everyone in there survived something that others don’t get to, people need help. this felt like the hospital just wanted our money for keeping us there longer. it’s not fair. I felt like a prisoner. everyone did. a man raped his roommate in our wing and all they did was move him to the west wing. kara and I had to ask to have our room locked from the outside so that we didn’t have to keep going to bed scared.

it felt surreal, but now i’m home and want to help in any way I can. i’m blessed to have met my roommate, we just went to church together and had a fake thanksgiving with my family and her daughter. we call each other every day. i’ve only been home 6 days, but every day I remind myself that i’m alive for a reason. I take my meds. I text my friends. I do my makeup and eat every day. i’m finally 102 pounds and not 94 pounds. I have grand openings for work lined up. i’m going to puerto rico with my church for a missions trip in a few months, to help with hurricane relief. i’m going to help as many people as I can.

I hope that writing all of this just kinda helps. I don’t want people to think they are alone. I did not plan to live, I planned to die. I didn’t die. there are people who literally said i’m faking it. but those people don’t matter. I didn’t get drunk and swallow over 20 tylenol pm and survive, and spend 6 days in the hell that was that psych ward, to have anyone tell me my experience didn’t happen or was for attention. I don’t care if you are trying to die or if you commit and survive, you’re important and deserve care, attention, and help. I deserved every hug and kiss and call and text from people when I was out of there. I have such an amazing support system. I have friends who aren’t judging me, who say “i’m so happy you’re alive emily, let’s hang out. i’m so glad you failed, I love having you in my life.”

I have only told hardly a few people, this is my public account of as much as I can remember. I don’t want any pity. I lived.

 I’m going to keep living. I’m going to work hard, I’m going to buy nice clothes and makeup, i’m going to travel and open new stores for my job, I’m going to pour myself out and connect and train my teams, I’m going to stay up late watching anime and cartoons, and eat junk food and party with my friends, i’m going to get tattoos, pet every cat, make art and finish school, i’m going to hang with my sister and my family, and i’m going to heal and find love and care for myself and for another person again. i’m gonna give as much as I can and love and be kind. I’m not perfect but neither are you. We all have flaws so just damn love and embrace and smile at each other. Help each other.

Thank you to everyone who has been so patient and caring and supportive. I love you all so much and I can’t wait to continue my life with a new passion and outlook. 💘

[asymmetryestablished]

valentine fandom ask meme: homestuck for all the odd ones and rvb for all the even ones

oH GOD okay let's see how this goes***Spoiler Alert*** by the way1. Your favourite non-canon ship? I don't particularly have one, though to be clear Homestuck has a hell of a lot of ships. I like pairing people up with Sollux tho, if only because I support Sollux getting lots of love.2. Is there a ship you didn’t like at first but ultimately started shipping? Tuckington and Lolix. both are things my friend who got me into RvB ships hardcore, but when I first encountered all the relevant characters I couldn't see them in the pairs. Tuckington I saw once they actually started interacting, in S11 or so; Lolix, after having seen their episodes in S14, although I shipped them as exes before then - like, I watched them and agreed that they'd had something but it fell apart before we met them.3. What is the rarest rare pair (that you ship)? I'm not really a rarepair kind of child but I do like Sollux/Dirk and Sollux/John, because programming and hands, respectively4. Name a popular ship you don’t get the appeal of. probably Chex I just really strongly believe that moving on is the best damn idea Church ever had5. What is your most fluffy + happy ship? fun question, because a lot of my ships could be fluffy or angst depending on what you look at. short answer: Davekat.6. What is your most angsty ship? FELIX/TUCKER OKAY HOLY SHIT MAJOR SPOILER ALERT FOR THE CHORUS TRILOGY BUT just picture when they're in Armonia and Wash is presumed dead and Tucker is having to come to terms with losing someone he hadn't realized he loved so much and also coming to terms with his love AND HIS SEXUALITY on top of that and Felix just slides on in because he's a slimy bastard who isn't above getting off on other people's emotional pain and/or just generally being an emotional sadist but also tactically brilliant and fucking Tucker while he's broken and I currently have an in-progress fic that is literally this and entitled "Felix Tucker emotional abuse" on my computer (ABUSE in my binder)7. A non-canon ship that should be canon? again, Homestuck has quite a romantically promiscuous canon. I think most of my really serious ships are canon??? but it's also been a while since I last acquainted myself with HS so I'm not sure. I do like Sollux/Karkat in basically any quadrant tho and I don't think they canonically did any quadrant stuffz or at least not all of them8. Your oldest ship; the one you’ve shipped for the longest time? Grimmons. still ship it. GRIF LITERALLY CONTAINS PARTS OF SIMMONS IF THATS NOT POTENTIAL FOR A ROMANTIC CRISIS FIC THEN IDK WHAT IS9. What ship represents the kind of relationship you’d love to have? Davekat as presented in canon, all soft squishy feels under a shell of crunchy banter and sarcasm; that, or Rosemary, which I read this fic once that mentioned them being a universal constant? like, there wasn't a single timeline where they didn't get together, and that makes me really happy. I also really like how Nepeta and Equius are complete polar opposites and both really fucking weird but don't care10. Is there a ship that makes your skin crawl? Churboose the way most people portray it. Caboose has the mental capacity of a child; I don't know if it's canon or not, but I am firmly of the belief that he is not entirely capable of distinguishing between romantic and platonic love, if at all, and sex isn't even a thing that he acknowledges. I can get behind the idea of Church accidentally and bizarrely and inexplicably falling in love with Caboose in a purely emotional sense, and Caboose loves everyone on all the teams in his own way, except the ones his family (because that's what they are, his family) genuinely hates, and those he does his best to fuck up something fierce. but don't pretend that Caboose and Church having sex would be anything but creepy as fuck and completely out of character. Also, the Director/Tex, because vicarious relationships, and Felix/Tucker but that one's a good skin-crawly one if done right (which it will be when I do it).11. What is a character you can only imagine in one particular ship? Calliope I can only see with Roxy, but damn do I ever see it.12. What is your favourite canon ship? if we're going with the cutthroat definition of canon, there aren't any, so going with the practical definition, Grimmons, because I'm not saying the secretly-married jokes are true, but I am saying they're extremely well-founded, even if one or both of them needs to pull his head out of his ass and notice.13. Name a ship that deserved more content. I feel like Vriska/Terezi, especially Game Over timeline Vriska/Terezi, deserved more, but I definitely needed more Terezi/John, because John learning firsthand about kismesissitude is a beautiful image.14. Is there a ship you feel gets undeserved hate in fandom? no??? the RvB fandom tends to agree that most of the characters have banged or at least that they could, so I haven't actually seen, like, *any* ship hate.15. What is the first ship you had? Davekat, which I shipped before getting into Homestuck, for which I blame the friend who got me into it in the first place.16. Is there a ship that made you realise something about yourself? uhm. all of them made me realize that I have a thing for temporarily inflicting emotional pain on characters, if that counts???17. Is there a type of ship you always go for? this goes for everything: banter. banter banter banter. example ships outside of these two specified fandoms: Bond/Q (Craig era), Romeo/Mercutio (yes, Romeo and Juliet), Rosencrantz/Guildenstern (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, specifically), Kate/Petruchio (yes I'm Shakespeare trash get over it), Skye/Jeffrey (The Penderwicks), wow I ship a lot of things I hadn't realized I shipped.18. Is there a ship the writers have ruined for you? no. unless you count the emotional abuse that is Ohio shooting Sherry and thereby ruining any chance they could've had, which nearly made me cry19. Is there a ship the fandom has ruined for you? not unless you count that tumblr post about Gamzee's relationships all being meticulously calculated and executed to do the most damage ruining my ability to enjoy pale Gamkar due to my new perception of Gamzee20. Have you ever created fan created content for a ship? hell ye. I have an AO3 but refuse to attach it to my tumblr. currently I've only got one RvB work and it's a really minor ship of mine, but I've got like four Tuckington, one Lolix, and that Felix/Tucker emotional abuse on the go.21. Favourite thing you’ve ever created for a ship? see previous comment re: not sharing my AO3, but my Snowman/Spades Slick WIP makes me really happy and I've got some damn good Davekat22. Is there a ship you’ll never admit you have? nope. not for anything I don't think. I'll even admit to shipping Annie and Teddy from the Magic Tree House books, and Dink and Ruth Rose from the A-Z Mysteries. I have always been a trashbaby and never given half a fuck.23. Have you ever started shipping a ship because of the fans? see previous comments re: Davekat. there was at least one more but I can't remember right now.24. What is one scene you want to see happen for all your ships? meeting in a bar, for the first time or after a long time or whatever. there are so many damn ways a bar meeting could go that it satisfies so many of my ships, and in RvB, all of them.25. Is there a ship you wish you didn’t know existed? all forms of Stridercest, particularly since I can actually tolerate Dirk/Dave. also Kurloz/Mituna because Kurloz is a confirmed creepy abusive fucker and Mituna is my precious pandamaged child26. Name a ship that ended like you wanted it to. Church/Tex, actually, if you disregard my temporary disappointment at Tex being female. the end of S9 gave them the best possible ending.27. Name a ship that deserved better in the end. Dirk/Jake but I can't complain too much because at least the abusive relationship ended28. Is there a character you have several ships for? Tucker's a slut, so yeah, but also I'm a big believer in breakups being a good and healthy part of life, so I ship relationships in the past tense. example: I support York and Carolina being together, and also thoroughly support Kimball finally getting Carolina to open up and fall in love again.29. What is the ship you ignore 98% of canon for? that's not really a thing I do, so. there isn't one.30. Is there a ship you like but you dislike the fandom? if we mean the fandom stuff for the particular ship, yeah, Churboose and Lolix in particular but I generally hate when people miss the point of what makes characters themselves in order to just make fanfic or whatever of their ship. in more general terms, I read the Maze Runner a while ago in order to be able to watch the movie for the sake of Thomas Brodie-Sangster (which I decided not to actually do because it's a really bad book), and I fucking hated the book, it's a really fucking shitty book, but Newt and Thomas all the fucking way man. (I think it was the nickname that really got me; nobody else calls him Tommy, and Newt doesn't give anyone else a nickname as far as I can remember, and also I'm really pissed that they cut the kiss scene from the movie because I might've suffered through it just for that)HOOOOOO BOY thank you anon that was way more fun than sleeping. also I'm having so much trouble figuring out who you are because most of my people I know are in one fandom or the other but not both, and the other people I can think of I can't imagine sending me an ask like this. aaaaa it's a mystery thank you for the excuse to ramble