#< i said this to myself yesterday and burst out laughing so atleast that was a good thing

[ravensmadreads]

raven hiiii!!! 💞💞💓💞💞💓 i haven’t seen you in a while so i wanted to check in on you 🥺 i hope you’re doing well!! 💞💞💞💞

Fay my beloved angel!!! ♥️ hiiiiii 💕💕 you're such a sweetheart ilyyyy ❤️❤️ not gonna lie to you im basically doing shit. Career, brain, health it's all 20ft underground rn. But ??? I'm working on it??? ✨️ And it's gonna be okay!🥰❤️❤️ or atleast that's what I tell myself so i don't collapse into tears 👀😅

[tomdiddlyumptious]

Can u do a Tom Holland x black model reader

And she’s zendayas friend and she introduces Tom to her and they hit it off he ends up seeing her outside they have a sentimental talk about what it’s like being famous and they end up kissing maybe smut at the end and they wake up the morning after 😩😩😫

I MIGHTVE GOTTEN....YA KNOW TAKEN AWAY BUTTTTT

warnings: terrible fans, sadness, annoying papis, and I guess heavy smut but idk 🤷🏽‍♀️ NOT PROOFREAD, PROBABLY TERRIBLE ✌🏽

a/n: REEEEE I HATE MYSELF

You sighed as she grabbed your hand, pulling you, “look you have nothing better to do, so you do this or keep watching re-runs of Harry Potter and trying to shift, which isn’t gonna work” she rolled her eyes at the idea, looking at your scrunched up face.

“Well whatever, so much for getting a spell book” you huffed in loss, zendaya laughing at you as she let your hand go and opened the door “for my princess please” she dramatically said, her hand pointing inside the restaurant.

“We couldn’t have taken a walk-“ “y/n shut up and sit down please” you giggled as you walked slower to let her infront of you and guide you to a seat, next to her but also next to a nice, brown haired, of course skinny lean white boy.

And how did you know that? You checked him out without hesitation. As you looked back up at him you found himself with a cocky ass smirk. “Don’t flatter yourself” you chuckled only leaving him doing the same.

“Hey a pretty girl like you how could I not?” His hand lifted and ruffled his hair some, leaving you with a smile. “We all know who we are right?” Daya said, not wanting to introduce anybody when your all basically famous. “Yes?” The group said.

You knew Tom of course but not officially, your brother made you watch Spider-Man because he’s two years older then you and loves to debate that tobey Maguire is the best, which you have to agree, its only by the way he swings. Your brother also thinks tobey can play Batman but he is like 46, he will have a heart attack.

As you all ordered your meals and passed around plates Harrison and Jacob talked, zendaya and her brother talked, which left you and Tom.

“Hi I’m tom” he said, lifting his hands wanting a handshake, orrr possibly a hug, what’s the damage?. “Well hello Tom, my name is Y/n” you said, taking his hand in yours, also noticing you can’t even shake his hand because of his hand size, it basically devoured your whole hand. Tom chuckled as he looked at your small fingers.

“Compare?” He asked, “oh what are we in fourth grade?” You giggled but agreed, he put his hand up flat and open and you did the same, touching hands you noticed your hand was small, or his hand was big, who knows. “I should call you robin!” He chuckled.

“You are really a child, teen titans really?” You bursted into laughter but only Tom could really hear. “Hey I have to do something to keep me satisfied right?” He shrugged, “and tough talked for a woman with small hands”.

You playfully gasped as you hit his shoulder “no you just have large hands, above average, so leave me alone, and tough talk for a guy who’s 5’8, my brother was that height at like 14” he only left his mouth open as you laughed, his eyebrows raised as he said “touché, but you’ve been doing some research on me havent you?”.

“Eh, something like that” you shrugged, getting chopsticks and trying to set it up but failing, of course Tom hysterically laughed at you “fuckin chopsticks” you mumbled to yourself, still trying to get them in between your fingers but utterly confused.

“Here darling, let me help you yeah?” Tom said in his slick British accent,

leaving your stomach to drop to your ass but you agreed, forgetting what he was helping you with.

He took your hand softly and fixed it, staring at him in awe before-

snap

You both looked over and seen a photographer running away, leaving Tom pissed but you could only laugh. Everyone around the table noticed and started to feel bad about being “famous” because it does take away your private life.

As they all looked at you both you continued laughing, leaving them all confused “did you see the way he ran?” You only busted out laughing more as Tom could still see him, looking at the way he does run and starts laughing after.

“Your right!” Everyone starts to catch on as zendaya pulls out her phone to record him, putting it on her instagram story with text of “running to his casket” (I KNOW THIS IS MEAN BUT I COULDNT HELP IT)

As you all as a group ate your food, well you ordered a fork, and talked you all giggled, and got to know more about each other, when he found out you were a model he only smiled more because, you deserve to be one, your beautiful in so many ways anyone could see that, not just Tom holland.

You cracked open the cookie and grabbed the paper “I wanna see!” Tom said, scooting closer and resting his head on your shoulder as you read it “hop on a ride but you won’t go outside, lucky numbers 11,9,10,20” tom furrowed his eyebrows, “I don’t get it” he whispered in your neck, platonically. But he got your sweet spot so you bit your tongue some. “What makes you think I do? You do yours!”

He sat back up straight and grabbed his, opening it. “Hmm, take your time, try to wine and dine, same lucky numbers as you” he looked at you while your lower lip was puckering out, confused but not gonna stress yourself out about it.

“Aren’t they just beautiful” daya quietly said, recording it and putting it on her Snapchat instead. Harrison agreed as they all started at both of you but you didn’t take any sense to notice.

“Who’s paying?” Tom said. “Split” you say back, everyone taking out their credit card and placing it in the middle.

About two days later you went out for shopping, mostly for yourself but you did think about buying daya matching Harry Potter mugs.

You looked at Victoria secret, looking at all the options you could get, but you got white lingerie, lacy white lingerie. You had about 3 bags in your hands, all clothes as you found yourself hungry, you checked the time and noticed it was about five thirty but daylight saving so it was darker then usual.

You found yourself at a Chinese place at the food court, ordering what you wanted as your phone blew up from the events of yesterday. “Y/n?” You heard a familiar voice, you turned to see-

“Thomas?” You smiled at him as he smiled back, coming up close and seeing ‘foot locker’ and ‘Nike’ bags in his hand. “Hey!” He came over and reached out for a hug which you accepted, and you smelled so good, like no one else. He knew once they started to publicly date he would have to point out that you have this magnificent smell.

“Hey babe how are you?” You ask looking at him, letting him go as his hands were still on your arms. “My phone won’t stop blowing up” he sighed and rolled his eyes “eh same here” “what are you doing?” He asked, you pointed at the title of the food place “Chinese food” “your trying again aren’t you?” “You know what- shut up” you laughed making him join along.

He decided to join you at one of the tables, both with hats on and black tinted sunglasses. “This is humiliating” you sighed, playing with the noodles. “What?” He asked looking up at you. “I shouldnt really have to hide because I just want to eat alone” you let out a distant chuckle and let the food alone, looking at the table.

“Yeah I know it does suck, but atleast we have killer fans right!” “Yeah but then they want to turn on you because you wanna make a point or a decision for yourself” he only sighed in defeat at your point, nodding in agreement. “I mean I guess it’s what we signed up for” “I just really want to do what I love but then there’s the pros and cons, people loving my body and people hating my body, telling me I should lose weight and that I should just kill myself-“

“Well you shouldn’t, people tried to cancel me because I didn’t vote? I can’t!” He grabbed your hand and that made you look at him “and your beautiful, so beautiful, don’t take only my word but everyone else’s, and whoever is telling you to kill yourself has a problem with their body image, they want to be you!” He gave you a smile, you gave a weak one back. “Hey love, darling, trust me. There’s a lot of people out there that support you! Why do paparazzi want to take photos of you? To let everyone know hoe your doing at the moment!”

“That wasn’t a good one Thomas” you laughed which made him giggle, he reached over and let go of your hand and places his thumb on your chin, the coldness of his ring on his pointer finger as it’s under your chin.

“Your really fucking beautiful, princess, fame is annoying celebrity is a annoying word but guess what? Isn’t it worth it?” “Yeah I guess, because I met you” you smirk, he tilts your head up and looks at your lips, looking at your eyes for approval and you nod your head.

He presses his lips on yours, pulling you closer as he wants to climb over the table and just take you there, his lips on your soft delicate ones is heaven, feeling your hand raise up to his cheek as you let go for a longer one-

“Hey get out of here! It’s like 7, stop sharing your cootie germs!” The janitor says with his strong Indian accent which makes you both laugh while your lips are still pressed together.

“Hey I really mean it!” You both let go as he shouts a thank you and you didn’t even notice it was that dark, he didn’t either. “Wanna get out of here?” He asked, you nodded as you both grabbed your bags and threw away your food.

You both couldn’t keep your lips off of each other, he slammed you against the apartment door, leaving you to moan as he focused on your neck, grabbing the key from his poket and shoving it in the door, opening it as he twisted to nob you fell and he feel ontop of you, well on your stomach.

You both laughed out of breath as he got up to close the door, thankfully there was a door stopper that didn’t allow a mark on the wall, he came back down and helped you up, taking the bags from your hand and throwing it on the couch, the boxes of shoes falling out of the bag and on the floor.

You quickly took off your clothes, leaving you in your underwear with Tom just admired you, your sweet brown skin just shinning of cocoa butter lotion and body oil, smelling so intoxicating as he walked up to you, his hand softly placed on your waist as he whispered in your ear “help me” you giggled and unbuckled his pants while he unbuttoned his shirt, quickly only in his-

“Really? Spider-Man? Your such a narcissist” “your ruining the moment” “whatever kiddo” he took your hand and ran into the room, falling on the bed from the jeans around his ankles, you got comfy on the queen bed with the silky black sheets and blanket, your legs open waiting for him as he kicked off his jeans.

He looked at you and your legs, crawling over to kiss your shins up to your thighs, his lips so soft on your skin as if he doesn’t want to break it.

“You such a pretty girl” he purred, kissing up to your stomach, to the middle of your breasts to you neck. “Touch me please tommy” you sighed in relief as he went down to your underwear, pressing your clit and trailing down to see you soaked. “I’ve barely touched you princess, do I make you wet like this?” He talks mostly to himself, not expecting an answer but you do “yes you do, fuck you make me so wet tom, watching your hands move, you mouth-“

“My mouth huh? What do you want me to do princess? Eat you out? Make you come then I fuck you and don’t miss a beat? Make everyone hear my good girl?” He asked, making you moan at the scenarios “I want to you to be on top of me, I want to you fuck yourself on my dick until you make me whine” he comes up to your ear and whispers “which I don’t do”, you whimper as he unclamped your bra, the cold ring and Rolex on your back as he gets it off.

You smile as he just stares, reaching down and taking a nipple in his mouth, moaning as he punches the other. “Fuck Thomas your really good” “shh now, remember what I want you to do f’me okay?” He asked looking up at you, you nodded as he reached down in between your thighs, pushing the underwear to the side.

He puts a finger inbetween your folds, his fingers rather warm and he rubs right over your whole while he continues to kiss and leave hickeys around your neck and inbetween your breasts.

He pushes in his finger and you let out a whimper, his fingers way bigger then your own “your so tight around my finger, fuck your gonna feel so good around my cock, just let me make you come first” you nod at him and give him a open mouth kiss as he goes down, taking off your panties and lifting your thighs and putting them inbetween his head.

He pumps is finger in you slowly, my the third time you suddenly let out a “oh” as your breathe starts to get heavy, “don’t give up now darling” “get to work and I’ll see what I can do for-“ you moan as he wraps his lips around your clit, kitty licking.

“Don’t talk down on me, darling” he says, before adding another finger, his long slender fingers finding your spot as he rubs over it, shaking his head from side to side around your bundle of nerves, your legs raise into a butterfly just asking for more.

Your hands reach down to his hair and you pull it, ruffle it and whimper as his fingers press hard on your spot “ah!” You let out a high pitched moan, he makes eye contact with you as his tongue continues to run miles, infinity signs, even his own full name on you “I’m so close” you whimper, he already knew by how much you were clenching around him, he sped up his movements, licking the slide of your clit, bucking your hips and pulling his hair making him moan on you, high pitch moans, the sounds of his fingers in your wet slopping whole is just enough to make you come, “Aw please! Fuck tommy!” Your eyes roll back as you cum, your back arching more as your fluids let loose and your stomach a pit of fire.

“You tase so good, Mmm” he licks you clean, savoring your tase as he licks his lips and comes up to kiss you, sharing tongues and humming at the taste on his lips.

And it was your time for the deal, he turned you both so you were on top. His hands already behind his head as he enjoyed the view already, you grabbed his member and pumped it a few times making him groan, you swiped him between your folds and cried at the overstimulation.

“Fuck y/n” he moaned feeling of your wetness looking down and seeing his spit and your arousal connected to the tip of his member, you both moaned at the feeling of his member getting in you so slowly.

You started to move your hips against his, seeing him so comfortable and watching every single move you make could make you come right there, you started to bounce and you sat up straight, moaning as Tom took a hand of his and licked his thumb to roll your nipple “faster” he said, as you did it.

“Fuck tommy your so good” “oh no it’s you babygirl, fucking yourself on my dick like I told you to, I don’t have to do any-“ he groaned “work, your such a good girl, my princess” he praised making you whimper and lean down. In this moment he could stay there forever, your ass on display as you bounced your whimpers in his neck right on his sweet spot. “Shit y/n”he moaned, letting his hands go to your ass and lift his legs to thrust into you, “no tommy” you say weakly, pushing his legs down “I get to fuck myself on you like you said” you hit back a moan.

“I did princess- fuck” he let out an ‘uh’ as you clenched around him, his eyebrows furrowed as his mouth opened, you leaned back up to kiss his neck, his sweet spot and made hickeys with no hesitation. You moved faster and placed your hands in his chest and hearing your ass on his thighs, the slickness coating all over his member and trailing down his thighs “fuck!” You come, “don’t stop-please! Don’t stop” he practically begged, thats more than a whine and you were willing to take it, it was all so good, so good.

His hands left your ass and went up to your neck, looking down at his darkened eyes as he bit his lip “fucking yourself so good on my dick, fuck!” He came and shot his load up you “yes Tom!” You whimpered and arched your back coming with him. He painted your walls as you ride it out, him massaging your thighs and biting his lip as he watched his cum trail down your thighs and on his dick.

“You tired?” You asked, throwing yourself over, he looked over “yeah” he reached over to kiss you and wrap his arm around your shoulder and pulling you into his chest, he turned off the light on his night stand as you lifted your leg over his thigh, both on the left side of the bed and taking in each other, drawing patterns in his chest. “So does this mean-“ “yeah of course”

You woke up in the same spot, looking up at Thomas and finding him already looking at you. “Hey princess” he smiled, taking his arm and drawing circles on yours. “Hey bubs” you kissed his chest. You only admired each other before having to clean each other up, sharing a shower, nothing happened but giggles and soft rubs on the butt, of course until you put on the lingerie that you bought yesterday.

[scarletwinterxx]

Coming Home pt. 3

Note: Hello lovelies! sorry for the wait, I was trying to see if I can fit the scenes i want in this chapter but I think I’ll make one more before the final one. As always thank you for all the love you’ve shown this series xx - A

For my other works you can check them out here, and for my other story series’ you can check them out here.

All works are copyrighted ©scarletwinterxx 2020 . Do not repost, re-write without the permission of author.

PART ONE || TWO || THREE || FOUR || FIVE || FINALE ||  BONUS

“How good of a mood are you in right now?”

On the opposite side of my desk, a Taeyong was standing, rocking on his heels back and forth like a little kid about to ask for candy. To think that he’s one of the youngest and most successful CEO in Korea right now. 

“Depends on what you’re about say, why?” I asked skeptically

“I was just going to ask for progress reports, I was told they were still with you” He answered before taking the seat across from me

“Are you rushing me, boss?”

“No, just checking if you’re still doing your job”

“Yah, what are you talking about?” I asked back, the man just burst out laughing before laying down a folder on my folder

“What is this?” I asked, taking the folder

“A job offer, they need someone who is competent and someone to trust managing from a far away place” he vaguely answered

“Is this your way of saying I’m fired?”

“No, this is a promotion. Kind of. I mean it is a promotion. Totally up to you. You don’t have to answer it right away, the board is still making final touches to that deal but when they asked for suggestions on who should run it I thought of you” he said, he was holding on to the picture frame on my table. One that had Chae Yoon on it. 

“Thanks” I mumbled, feeling grateful and a bit overwhelmed

“You’re the only one I trust with this so I thought why not, of course I’m not pressuring you to do it. I absolutely understand, with Chae Yoon and everything”

“Yes, of course”

“Well that’s all the business I had for today, so back to yesterday” I just playfully rolled my eyes, setting the folder down and going back to my computer to type the reports he was talking about

“What about yesterday?” I asked, not looking at him. I already know he has a big teasing smile on

“We were just surprised when you arrived, in the arms of a certain Jung Jaehyun. Did he finally hit his head and begged for you to take him back?”

“We went as friends” I shrugged, still not looking at my boss and friend

“I haven’t heard the word friends being used to describe the two of you since we were in highschool”

“You’re two years my senior, why were you gossiping about us” I told him, now looking at him

“So? we have the same friends, we have the same last name” his reasoning was a bit obscured but it was so Taeyong so I don’t question it

“for the last time, we’re not related”

“Maybe we are, we just don’t know”

“Where is this conversation going, Taeyong?” i asked

“Are you really not back together? Was that an illusion or did I have one two many drinks again?” he asked back, I sighed before leaning back to my seat. 

Recalling the happenings the night before. 

When we got to the party, the moment we stepped inside the event hall I think atleast 8 pair of eyes landed immediately on us. Most of which were our friends’. I could see Sicheng from the corner of my eye, a smirk on his lips already telling me he’ll be asking Jaehyun about it later, Johnny who did not even hide the surprise look on his face hitting Taeyong repeatedly on the arm and Taeil shooting us a warm smile. 

“People are looking, why are they looking?” I whispered to Jaehyun, pulling on his arm more

“Because you’re the prettiest girl in the room” he smoothly replied, not even missing a beat. I looked up at him with a straightlook, he just laughed at me before pulling me to the direction of where our friends were gaping at us

“I don’t know, don’t mind them. Just focus on me”

“You’re awfully cocky tonight”

“And please don’t add a comment to that” I added, already knowing he was going to tease me

“Alright alright”

For the rest of the night we didn’t really leave each other’s side. I knew most of his colleagues, our friends were also there so it wasn’t hard to converse with other people.

A few of Jaehyun’s bosses did greet us, asking how our daughter was. One even asked when the wedding will be. I almost choked on the champagne I was drinking. Jaehyun securing his arm around my waist and excusing us, it just so happened Johnny was around too. Either he was holding in his laughter or itching to ask the same thing. 

We didn’t talk more about it afterwards, but it also never left my mind. The question just hanging in my head dangling back and forth along with my conversation with Wendy. 

I didn’t talk to Jaehyun about it ofcourse, I don’t know why. 

And just like that our night ended. He drove me home, we said our goodbyes. 

We used to come home together but now we don’t. 

Another thought that was added to the pile.

I turned to Taeyong, ready to give a brief explanation on the situation even I was confused about. 

“Like I said we went as friends, he said he didn’t have anyone else to come with so I said yes”

“You didn’t have to though”

“It would be weird to say no, Yong” I sighed

“I know, but you also know you don’t have to say yes either. Look, I was there to pick you up when you were a mess, and this seems...”

“Like a bad idea?”

“A confusing and risky one” he finished

“Jaehyun loves you both, more than he can ever say outloud. He really does. He just have to learn to get over his aversion with the idea of settling down”

“You noticed that too?” I chuckled, playing with the pen on my table. 

If there was anyone who knew about Jaehyun and I’s relationship history it would be Taeyong, he is a big brother figure to me and one of Jaehyun’s bestfriend. He has witnessed it all. 

“He loves you, he really does. Even when you’re not looking at him, he looks at you with this lovestruck look in his eyes as if there’s nothing else he can see around him. I just don’t get why he’s so afraid of getting married, especially with you”

“Guess marriage isn’t for everyone”

“Want me to hit some sense into him?” his question made me laugh a bit. The mood already lightening, “You wouldn’t hurt a fly”

“Can I get back to work now, are you done interrogating me?” I asked him

“Yes, I’ll be back later once Taeil hyung is done doing the same to Jae” he said then quickly ran away, I swear he could pass for a five year old sometimes. 

The rest of my day went being unbothered  by Taeyong, guess he was busy with his own meetings to come back and ask more questions. I packed up to leave, ready to go home. 

The rest of the week was just the same, the only different routine for this week is I’ll be having Chae Yoon for the weekend since Jaehyun has a business trip. 

My phone rang, Jaehyun’s name flashing across the screen

“Hey” I said when I picked up

“Hi, are you home already or are you still at the office?” he asked, making me a bit confused

“On my way home, why?”

“I’m five minutes away from the apartment, I need to get some things. I can wait in the car”

“You know the code to the apartment, just go there Jae” I told him, walking to my car, quickly buckling up and putting my phone on speaker

“Okay, do you need me to pick up Chae Yoon over at noona’s?” he asked back

“I’ll get her later, you need to get something remember. If Chae is around you’ll never get anything done” I could just see the pout he has on right now, the thought making me smile

“You’re right, well I’m about to park. So see you in like fifteen?” 

I said yes before saying goodbye, driving myself home. 

I decided to get Chae Yoon afterwards when Jaehyun finishes getting his stuff, knowing he’ll just play with his daughter and completely forget what he has to do if she’s around. 

“Jaehyun?” I called out when I entered the apartment, setting my stuff down by the couch

“In the office” he called back, I made my way to where he was. He moved some stuff around and seemed to be reading something

“You found what you need?” I asked him, making him look up at me 

“You got a job offer? At the US?” he asked back, so that’s what he was reading

“It’s not final yet, Taeyong was the one who asked me”

“So you’re considering it?” his questions were starting to tick me off

“Yes, maybe. I don’t know. I said I was going to think about it”

“You know this means you need to move right?”

And in that single question I knew why he sounded so off, he knew if I go so would Chae Yoon. I’m not sure if he cared if I go but Chae Yoon was a whole other story.

I understand his worries. 

“I know, but like I said nothing’s final yet. Will you stop worrying about it?” I said walking towards him, taking the folder from his grasp. 

“Stop worrying about it? You’re thinking about moving to a another continent with my daughter”

“She’s my daugther too, in case you’re forgetting. Why do you think I’m still thinking about it?”

“You’re saying if she wasn’t here you’d already be on the next flight, is that it?”

I didn’t know I would be coming home to this. 

When I wished I could come home once again to him this was not I was thinking off. 

“What is that suppose to mean?” I asked back, both of us clearly upset

“If you wanted to leave me that bad, you should’ve just told me”

His statement shocked me, I don’t know if he was only saying it because of the tension right now or he really meant it

“You’re the one who asked me to break the engagement off” I whispered, not being able to meet his eyes and directly looking at the floor in fear that I might start crying in front of him

“And you didn’t even hesitate”

Every word was like a stab to my heart. I’ve never fought with him like this. Whatever arguments we’ve had in the past we usually talked about it calmly, resolved before the night ends because neither of us could sleep knowing the other one is upset. 

“I did it because I can’t be selfish when it comes to you, you were unhappy Jaehyun. I couldn’t bear seeing you like that, slowly drifting from me” 

He stood there frozen, probably thinking of what to say so I continued

“Maybe once in our lives we’ve talked about getting married and starting our own family but even that we did in reverse, I didn’t care. I had you. But slowly I saw how the love disappeared in your eyes, how coming home to me was just something you had to do rather than something you wanted to do”

“I got scared” 

I broke. I lamented over the future we lost, the promises we didn’t keep, the nights that the side of his bed got too cold serving as a reminder that he wasn’t there with me anymore. 

It hurt, 

And I didn’t know how to make it better

“I was too, Jaehyun. I was scared for us, we were so young. We both had ambitious plans, dreams to achieve and goals to reach then suddenly our whole plan changed. And you know what, your life still went on while mine had to change”

“You-”

“No, you listen to me.”  I said, standing my ground even though the tears were furiously running down my face

“I love Chae with every bit of my being, she’s the only reason I exist. I would do anything for her, I don’t and never will regret having her. And I know you do to. But I’m stuck Jae, I’m stuck and you left”

“That job offer can be a restart, a opportunity for me to grow. I can’t just put my life on hold for you, not anymore”

“I never asked you to”

“You never asked me not to”

“You’re tired? You were scared? I was too. I’m tired too, Jaehyun. How long can I keep being so fucking in love with you when you clearly will never get there? How long do I still have to wait?”

Thoughts that always floated around my head are now out in the world, they hurt more now that I hear my own voice say it.

“I love you, even in that I failed. I admit. But I love you”

“I’m sure you did, But we’re way past that point, we’re adults Jaehyun. I need answers, I need you to tell me how this goes instead of just dragging me along”

We didn’t say anything for a while, the both of us still very emotional. I’m sure we were both tired after a long day from work, he’s about to hop on a plane. This wasn’t the right time but we didn’t expect it would come to this. 

“You need to pack for your flight” I mumbled, wiping the tears away and composing myself

“I can’t just leave after this, we need to talk”

“I already said what I needed to say, I’m not going anywhere. I’m still thinking about the offer. You need to rest, I’ll go get Chae Yoon”

Before he could say something else I walked out of the office, quickly splashing my face with some water before going out to get Chae Yoon. When I got back Jaehyun was just waiting at the door, 

“I’ll go now, just wanted to see Chae” he mumbled, I passed the little girl to him who was already reaching out for him anyways. I envied her innocence, she was just smiling up at him with no worries to think about. 

I let them have their moment, after a quick goodbye he walked off. 

I felt my heart break all over again. For the first time since he left, the apartment felt empty. This time felt like a different kind of empty. 

[zeldrispendragon]

Interlace II

Voice in my head: start studying you fucking bitch! You have exams tomorrow! Don't you want to go to college?!

Me: anyway, anywho! Here's part two! A really really short one!

Voice: LISTEN TO ME!

~~~

Several hours ago.

"Estarossa... listen to me..." Zeldris growled watching his older brother who remains stubborn despite all the saliva he had wasted to explain the situation to him. Well, Estarossa never listens to Zeldris, even the yesterday him doesn't.

One way or another, he managed to find barrels of alcohol in some parts of the castle and manage to drag Cusack and Chandler to drink 'along' with him. He had bombarded Chandler with question from then on as a response remained imprinted in his head.

Young master always cared for you...

Six words, just six words and that matters more than the thousands of words that escaped from Zeldris' lips.

"Meliodas betrayed us!" He merely nodded, without even accepting it staring at the bird that was now over his index finger. He yawned, showing disinterest on whatever his younger brother was saying as the raven head groaned. The youngest prince had marched out of his brother's room --- which used to be Merlin's---- slamming the door behind him.

He waited for an hour...

Before he jump off the window.

~

"How on earth did you come here undetected?" Was the first thing he asked after sitting up.

"Remember those days when I run away from my tutor?" He hesitantly nodded.

"I've learn to identify your presence without or with your magic which led me here! Then back then I've learned to conceal my magic so no one would notice!" If circumstances were normal, which means the circumstances 3000 years ago, he would have been proud. Apparently, the circumstances weren't like that... there are people behind him that wants this demon dead.

"Just a sec." He uttered glancing at sins behind him, trying to ignore the terribly heavy atmosphere. He could actually feel how tense they were, it was suffocating.

He grabbed his younger brother's wrist walking out of the bar completely clueless of what he should say, what to do and where to start.

"Your taste in clothes are terrible as usual." Estarossa mocks, crossing his arms as Meliodas rolled his eyes.

"Says the person who waltz through the castle thinking mustard is cool."

"It is cool!"

"If it's so cool then, why are you wearing blue now?"

"I deeply apologize since for I no longer recall when myself started having a terrible taste." Meliodas couldn't help but to snort as the both of them burst into laughter.

"Wait--- no, do you have any idea what dangers could possibly happen after you came here?!" Why does he even care?!

"The four archangels might have killed you!" Yesterday he wanted to slit his throat, now he was concerned for his safety. He was inconsistent, he knows... but like he said... this Estarossa was simply different.

"I'm still alive, am I?" He smiled as if trying to assure that he was alright to his brothers. Meliodas melted, actually missing that damn smile on his face.

"You--- you're going to be marked as a traitor."

"Doesn't matter, dad's an asshole anyway..." He could not believe that he heard him right as Estarossa laughed at his reaction.

"I don't understand what's going on... but I'm sure I want to be with you." Images of their past suddenly flash into his mind. Estarossa begging to him to stay, crying as tried to hold unto him tightly.

They used to be close.

"They told me it's been three thousand years ago, they told me that you betrayed us but I don't care..." if he just knew how much he hated him... How he found joy in hurting him and how he killed him.

Just thinking how his brother would react to that fact scared him, if not for his actions simply implied that he didn't know yet.

He wanted to keep it that way.

"You... hated me..." He tried to atleast tell him half the truth, thinking he'd deserve it. He didn't know why he felt compelled to tell, he just felt like he didn't deserve this attention the silver head gave him.

He pushed him away, hurt him and left him... of course he doesn't deserve this, it was him who severed their brotherhood it shouldn't be Estarossa who tries to fix it.

"Because dad told you that you should make me... " All his heart sank, it was the day that he came of age when his father told me that his closeness with Estarossa was going to bring his downfall. The king had ask him what he wanted, to keep his distance or the king will have to kill Estarossa.

He was left without a choice but to do as he was told. It was painful to brush him off, push him away, watching him try to reach out for him. He had asks him what he did for the blonde to do this, tears staining his cheeks asking where he had go wrong.

Yet he continues to look up to him... his betrayal just woken up the hatred after Estarossa cease trying to understand him. His love for the blonde had blinded him, always understanding his actions, always accepting him although it should have brought him pain. By his very betrayal, he had realize the cruelty the blonde had been doing.

Just bring me with you...

His denial to give the only thing he was asking awaken the most terrifying monster of the demon clan.

He created that monster...

"Well, at least that's what Chandler told me." Chandler probably regrets saying that as of the moment.

"You idiot I thought you knew." The silver head laughed, as Meliodas hung his arms around Estarossa's neck while ruffling his hair.

Was it wrong? To want to interlace the bonds that have been snapped by the war?

To return the brotherhood they once cherished?

[blogger1011]

I want to write about it because I don't want to forget it. I have thought about it and I feel like writing about it would feel like dismissing it as something that happened and maybe then it'll lose some of its allure. I don't know if it would still feel surreal. I hope it does.

Okay so I have been silent on this blog because I didn't want to write about my crush. Not because of anything he did or said, just because I didn't know if I was supposed to feel that way about him. I didn't know if what I was feeling was right. I know that didn't stop me before but I guess I got too caught up in the group politics and let myself get influenced by what others thought of him and not what I could see in front of me. Sure those things coincided to an extent, but to the extent of my reaction.

Idk if I'm making much sense but it cost me precious time. It cost me glances and smiles and words that I should have remembered instead of being someone I didn't recognise for a while. Of course I looked at him, he just pulls me in a way and that can't be helped.

I don't want to get into the whole politics and diplomacy that is going on right now so I'll focus on him. It's him I want to remember, not this drama. So day before yesterday, it was just five of us and we played quite a lot, it was a bit awkward given an internal fight but everyone was okay with me so we joked around and had fun.

Then he was sitting and his classes got cancelled and it was just him and me sitting, others were playing. As soon as he heard, he did this little dance which was just plain adorable. It was just so pure that I had to smile. Then he looked at me with this glee in his face because he wanted to share it with someone. It was beautiful.

Then yesterday, I had such a crappy day playing (or rather not playing) that I was literally moved to tears. I had tried to calm myself but the moment my friend and crush came back after playing the match and my friend asked me what happened, I was tearing up. And he was sitting a feet away. And while my friend was talking and I was nodding, he was turning his head to look from time to time. I don't know if he was looking at his friend or at me but I saw him looking at least four time through my peripheral vision.

Then it was over and my friend sat beside me and my crush was doing all these goofy things. I don't know if he was bored or sad or what him doing all that stupid stuff really made me forget. Made me smile. So he first went to the AC unit and stood on his tiptoes, raised his hand, wiggling his fingers to see if it was on. So random and so stupid. I was watching his every move.

He then came to the water filter and asked his friend if he could pick up the huge water container on the side. It was just so dumb that i burst out laughing. Then he said to his friend, give me your finger, I'll put it into the fan (a rotating fan enclosed in a grill) to see if it's conducting current. He legit asked whose fingers were thin enough to get through the grill.

Then he passed by and said, 'I want to cry too, just missed my interview.' His email notifications were off and he missed it, no way to reschedule. Anyway so he saw me crying definitely. No big deal. Or so I'm telling myself.

Then I played two one matches. One was with him and we won which is a feat in itself because we usually don't win together. Then it was time to go.

It was an odd number of people (7) and three bikes so we had to figure out how to go because the boys needed to triple on one bike. Lo and behold my surprise when he suggests that he'll take me. Like seriously people. This is a very big deal. Atleast to me. He never suggested it even remotely. Never. Ever.

And then was sitting behind him, my hands on his shoulders. I wanted to keep both hands on but he is a very good driver and I don't put both my hands on anyone else's shoulder so it would've been idk, something. It would have been definitely because he notices things. He's the second most observant person in that group after me. Lol. Okay let's proceed.

Thank the lord that I was wearing my mask because I was full on smiling for at least a solid two minutes when we started. I mean this hottie is giving me a lift. And I was hyperfocused on the texture of his tshirt and the feel of his skin underneath. A bit sweaty but steady and just right. Our legs touching, sitting snug.

Then an uncle passed by and said traffic police was up ahead and I wasn't wearing a helmet so we took an unnecessary detour because we ended up at the same place but it gave me more time with him. The passengers had to get down and cross the road on foot and then we got back on after we were in the safe zone. One more thing, I've git bruises in my legs from when I get on and off bikes while others are on. No problems with him.

Then we passed a sort of communal foot giveaway except they were giving drinks that were supposed to be intoxicating. A religious thing here. It was offered to him by others and he was just so calm when he said, 'I don't drink.'

He sped up only once during the entire ride when he saw the entire road vacant in front of us. A very safe drive, definitely not like my dream but this was real so really no complaints. When they switched bikes finally, I told my friend that now I don't think I'll enjoy riding behind him. He asked why then understood. He said that he himself was shocked that my crush had suggested it in the first place. Then said that now your mood would definitely have improved. Of course I agreed.

[delicatedaegu-blog]

love myself ( min yoongi)

I couldn’t help but stare at the dress . I need that for my prom but the money in my pocket couldn’t even afford myself a meal. I let out a sigh then continued with my task giving the flyers of my company to atleast 80 person . I can feel my sweats soaking the back of my shirt. “ Here “ I said handing over the flyers. It turned out to be my classmates. They look at me in disbelief. “OH MY GOD” “ I COULDN’T BELIEVE WHAT I’M SEEING” “ITS KANG HANA” “OH GOD”

I paced my way from them. I can hear the laughter and gasping , what’s wrong with doing part time job anyways ? I question myself that every single day . I couldn’t bare asking my parents money when they made just a few bucks from all the hardwork. I decided to sit at the end of the street. I look down on my ripped shoes. Tears streaming down my cheeks. I didn’t ask for this. I had so much passion. I don’t deserve this. I started to cry even harder. As the sun goes down, I walk down the dark street. I don’t care about myself anymore. I’m honestly so done with all the shit I had to go through. I felt as if someone was following me . I tried to ignore. Suddenly , a hand grab me by the shoulder and pushed me against the wall . it’s henry . My mother’s boyfriend. A jerk that stole all of our money to buy drugs and beers.

“what do you want !?” I screamed at his face “ I know you have money, Hana. Give it to me . you don’t want me to force you right?” said Henry with the smell of strong alcohol from his breath. “ I have no money. I don’t” I plead. I have a few bucks in my pocket . He rampage my pocket . I tried to cover it up but Henry was much more stronger . he hit me in the head. He was about to go for another fist but being stop by a shadow of a man. My eyes went blurry from the strong hit .  all I see is a man in suit before it all went pitch black. “ don’t panic “ that’s the first sentence coming out from the guy in black button up shirt. His eyes was swollen too. He was absolutely stunning . his sweats drips from his forehead really makes my heart beats like crazy. I looked around the surrounding . I’m in a very neat and luxurious living room. The theme was red and white which makes the room even better. “ Where am I ?” I asked , still confused because the last memory I had were him being my lifesaver. Henry was nowhere to be found too. “ geez , no thank you ?” asked the guy before chuckled. “ thank you but really, what happened to me ?” I asked , this time more stern. I don’t like to play around wasting my time in a stranger’s house “ you passed out just when I was about to save your life and became your saviour. What a shame” said the guy . having his hand between his thigh. I don’t know why but that’s really makes him even hotter . god, control yourself hana. “ He- at the police station. Who is he though? Who raised him to be so ill mannered . how can a man be so rude to even hit a woman in the first place. Oh , I’m Min Yoongi . you can call me Yoongi” said Yoongi nonchalantly . “ I , thank you so much .” I mumbled. I should’ve fight Henry . “……the guy Is my mother’s boyfriend….yes, he is a jerk” I muttered. “ thank you , yoongs” I said looking up to him. He looks a bit shocked but I know he tried to not messed up the mood when he suddenly pulled up his phone. “call your mother and tell her you’ll be staying here tonight” said Yoongi , handing over his smartphone. “ no , I don’t want to stay here. Its inappropriate and I have work to do tomorrow” I pushed his phone gently . not trying to show any rudeness

“ I didn’t sacrifice my eyes just for you to get kidnapped or hurted again . its late . I’m not going to fucking fuck you yet” said Yoongi ,taking my hand and putting the phone on my palm. He winked and when straight to his room right across the living room. I almost choked at the thought of it. This guy is such a character. I dailed my phone “ mum , I will be staying over my friend’s house ….. please take care. Take your medicine and tell Sunmi I love her” the message went straight to voicemail. As usual, mother never picks up her phone.  I got up feeling dizzy . I need to wash up so I walk to the bathroom . it was , again , huge. This guy is living in this ominous apartment alone ? wow. I let out a sigh . I have to find another job again tomorrow. I got out of the bathroom after freshen up and saw a plate of fruits and yogurt on the table. There was a note too . “ Eat up , the go to the room with blue door . you can sleep in there. I will not go in because I will be somewhere else – Genius Min” I plucked the grape and taste the sweetness of it. I smiled , cant help it . I took the pyjamas on the table too and pacing toward the room he stated. The room has a double bed with velvet black duvet. The walls were blue and black . there were also framed arts . I set of recorder too. “ Producer Min Yoongi” I read the title of the certificate hanging on the wall. The room smells like him. The bed was a messy . I laid down and the quickly, dozed off by the comfy bed. I woke up to the sound of piano , lullaby to be exact. The sound of it was really majestic almost like dreamlike. I got up from the bed and trail down the sound. The door in front of me was ajar. I push it slowly not wanting the person playing the piano to be interrupted . it was yoongi with his back facing me. He blast off the piano keys . I was flabbergasted by the sudden rage. He put his head on the piano then burst into sobs. I was contemplating if I should reassure him but I just couldn’t stand seeing him like this after what he did . I took step by steps to him. Gently putting my hand on his back, patting it softly. “ go away “ said Yoongi . I stop my action. I took a step back. I was hurt by his tone. I turned my back taking my way back to the room but being stop by yoongi. He wrapped his arm around my wrist. I can feel my shirts soaked with tears as he continued to weep . I wasn’t sure how to react and all I did was staying there for the whole night. The sun rose beautifully , and I get to see the beauty of it from yoongi’s apartment. He was still asleep in his studio. He was seriously so sad last night that I couldn’t comprehend why . also, he feels so familiar too . I cooked up scrambled egg and bacon. I turned my head as soon as possible when I heard footsteps. Yoongi walks toward the counter and sat on the chair. He was still looking sleepy. I smiled shyly at him as he watches me preparing the cutlery. His kitchen was very well managed when all the plates , glasses and spoons were in place. Yoongi munched on the breakfast without any words. He went straight to his living room . “So , I had to go now , “ I said, holding my purse . i did prepared myself uber , all I need to do is say m farewell to yoongi. Yoongi suddenly widen up his eyes. “let me send you off” said Yoongi. Already holding his keys. I shake my head. “ no its okay , I ordered uber so I don’t want to be a trouble anymore” i walk to the front door. Yoongi quickly jumped from the couch and blocked me at the hallway. “ Please, let me. Take it as your way to appreciate the help I gave yesterday” said Yoongi. Arms against the wall. I laughed . he stayed serious. I stop my laughter to realize he really meant it. I rolled my eyes then nodded my head.

“ YESSSS “ said Yoongi fisting the air. He really is very unique and special. ______________________________________________________________________ I feel asleep during the ride because of the lack of sleep from last night. Yoongi didn’t send me off to my house but we actually ended up at a amusement park located near Gangnam. I looked at Yoongi. I was about to cuss but he covered my mouth saying “ trust me, you needed this” said Yoongi . He took my hand by surprised. I feel butterflies in my stomach. This man has really captured me hostage. We played the pool game. He was totally sucked but it was so much fun. Then , we grabbed hamburgers, on my treat, after little argument we had about who will be paying, yoongi , ofcourse insisted so we played rock paper scissors game. We’re so childish. We tried almost everything . it was almost 5 pm so we decided to get on a ferris wheel. Yoongi was scared by height . he told me that with such enthusiasm . I pulled him in. the ferris wheel suddenly got stucked. I cried of laughter because yoongi was looking pale as ever. I felt bad for pushing him into this idea so I got the courage to hold his hand. It was iced cold though. “ wow , your hand is so cold” I said , tightens the grip. “ it is cold because I’m nervous” said Yoongi “ don’t be , the ferris wheel will be fixed anytime soon” i look outside to the view of it. “ don’t you remember me ?” asked Yoongi . I feel my eyes starting to tear up. He finally spit it out. The reminiscence of him that I tried so hard to deny . “ I’m sorry for –“ yoongi couldn’t finish his sentenced. “ Sorry for what ? what gibberish are you talking about ?” I tried to shrug it off

“ fuck, Hana. Don’t do this to me” said Yoongi “ I know you still remember me. You saved me when I was trying to ………….in the bathroom” I said , trying so hard to hold my tears. Min yoongi , the same guy , the same Min Yoongi back then who saved me from killing myself after my father’s death. That was 4 years ago. “ why you always try to forget me ?” asked yoongi. “ because everytime I look at you, I remembered my father, he loves you so much, you helped him a lot with his business . your parents bought a lot of musical instruments from him, but that doesn’t makes him happy, that makes him even sadder till he decided to take his own life” I screamed at his face. My chest was thumping . I cried even harder. Yoongi went mute. He  lost his words. “i- didn’t know.” Said yoongi , rubbing his face . when the ferris stop , I quicken my way out of the park. “Hana !” shouted yoongi , I ignored it and just walk through the stairs to get on a shortcut to my house. The streets is familiar to me “ you don’t know how long I waited for you , I love you since the day we met . I didn’t save you. You did !” shouted yoongi almost in satori. I was flabbergasted. I turned around seeing him already kneeling. I can see him already panting. I felt sorry so I went to him, put his arms around him as he looks….really weak. we went back to his apartment. My eyes wildly searching for his keys. He looks very pale and he still holding on his stomach . I was panicking. I finally found his key under the empty flower pot. I hurriedly put him on bed. “hana” he grunted , I took the medicine on the table with his name on it and gave him in instant. He swallowed it and fell asleep . I sat on his bed, feeling guilty , my words must’ve hurt him. I roam around his bedroom and saw a letter. With my name on it. The writing….is my dad’s writing. I knew by the cursive letter. I covered my mouth as I’m trying to burst in to tears. It is a letter from my father and it was for yoongi. In the letter, it is stated that he knows his time isn’t long and he wants yoongi to take care of me. But he knows I wouldn’t like it so he asked yoongi to do it secretly . I fell on the floor. Behind the letter was an operation letter with yoongi’s name. he just had a surgery . i walk closely to yoongi. Holding his hand before kissing it softly. I slowly lay my head on his chest . feeling his chest rose . his hand wraps around my waist . we both fell asleep under the shining full moon on that night .

That was the start of what I’m having now. We’re now officially together for 3 years. Yesterday he just proposed to me and ofcourse I said yes . it didn’t take me long like my first kiss. I was hestitate but looking at him taking care of my family, has made me really fallen for him

“hey”I said , hugging him from his back. He ignores me since he is too focused on cutting the onion for dinner, we’re having japchae and he’s the best cook  than me.

“ Go pick up the box on the table” said yoongi. I spun around and my eyes caught a box wrapped with blue ribbon , I open it up slowly and screamed . it’s the dress I’ve been wanting.

“ yoongi , this is not cheap .” I muttered

“so , wear it tonight so I don’t feel disappointed and a waste of money” said yoongi nonchalant . I peck him on the neck before making my way to the bedroom .

I look myself in the mirror. The room has such a big mirror with huge closet. I smile at myself. A few years ago , I hated myself. I couldn’t get out of the house because I was too insecure. I tried to love myself first then I started to love others. Love Yoongi whole heartedly . I walk out of the room with the heels he bought for my birthday. Yoongi , facing me look completely in awe. I blushed in instant . I can see the cooked meal on the table. He pull out the chair for me without saying a word , he chose the seat facing me.

“ you’re so stunning .” said Yoongi still hasn’t let go off his eyes on me. He took my hand and rubs it slowly . we eat the steak he cooked and it was such a very gourmet dish , I love it so much. We had a couple of drinks .

“ Hana , I have something to say”

“ yea ?”

“ I want you to know that I love you with all my heart and soul. You inspires me in any way . the way you talk and the sound of voice is my muse. I couldn’t help but thank god  everyday for you .” I can feel the heat coming from my eyes . the tears keep dropping . yoongi cup my cheeks. I grabbed him by his neck and kissed him passionately . I want him to know that I love him so much too, that he makes the world a better place, that he saved me , that he makes me the happiest person through the kiss.

Years has passed after the night . we are married and is having a twins on the way . loving myself and loving him makes a heaven out of the world

[kashmir-berlin-kashmir-blog]

05.05.2019. Azadi

I met H again. I cannot tell you how much I fall in love with her each time. I was interviewing her. We were in her car and she would consantly cut me off to point out where all she could have made out if she evr had a boyfriend. We couldn't finish our interview because we ran out of time. So while she drove, I asked her the big question "What does Azadi mean to you?"

And of course Heeba unsurfaced a story I would never have seen coming.

"You know one day, I came back from school...I think I was in 11th standard and I told Ammi that I had donated blood in school that day. Without a thought she immediately asked me "Tumne permission kyun nahi li" (you didn’t take permission). Can you imagine that Nidhi? Can you imagine that? I screamed at her saying "Meri khoon hai ye Ammi...meri khoon hai ye. Apni khoon, apni marzi. Yahan mujhe khoon dene ki azadi bhi nahi hai?" (It is my blood Ammi....this blood is mine. My blood, my will! Don’t I even have the azadi to give my own blood here?)

I couldn't stop laughing. "That would make an excellent street slogan - "Azadi, azadi, hum kya chahte hai? Khoon dene ki azadi!". (Azadi, azadi, what do we want? The azadi to give our blood)

Just as we laughed a man with an Azadi sticker passed by us, staring at us and we both burst out laughing. This may seem like a meaningless, frivlous story but it is in these fleeting moments of banal snipets that an unspoken desire for life and love unsurfaces. 

-----------

I was interviewing M. We were sitting ina cafe, Rihanna was playing in the background and M drank her cold coffee while I ate my paneer shawarma. I was excited at the thought of veg shawarma because I’ve hardly ever seen one. I asked M “Do you feel like you’re an azad woman?” 

“Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I feel like an azad woman when I am not ask for anything. When I have no demands, I’m mast (chill), I’m azad. But the moment I demand something from my own people, from India, from anyone then I am no longer azad”. 

------------

Yesterday I was frustrated. The quiet is now getting to me and I’m craving noise and freedom and strange silly things. I was home all day and I decided to get some air. I took a shower, did my laundry and decided to buy a pack of cigerettes and walk down to the bund (river bank). The sun was setting and the river would be beautiful. Despite not wanting to be alone, I thought I would find some solace with the fresh air and some setting sun. 

I got my pack and walked along the bund. A white car kept following me slowly. Some lech of a guy. I was so frustrated. In my head I said “Please not today. Just not today. Leave me fucking alone”. But of course he didn’t. I started walking by the bund, looking for a place to sit. Every single bench was occupied by a man. On one two men sat talking and smoking, on another a man was lying down and smoking, sun bathing. On another one sat an old man, checking his phone. “Where the fuck is a space for a woman here?”, I thought. Finally I found a spot and sat down. The white car came and stopped behind me. I turned around, unable to control myself, I asked him “What do you want” 

“What? Nothing, I’m just waiting for a friend”, he said. 

“Yes, I can see how you are. Please move”, I said. 

“Why should I? Why you so angry girl? Don’t worry, be happy baby”, he said. 

I turned around and dropped my cigerette and watched it burn itself to death. 

“No fucking Azadi. God knows what you men are asking for?”, I thought a mean thought. (Very mean)

---------------

“How would you translate azadi?”, I asked her. 

“I think azadi started with meaning: freedom from india, over time it started to mean independence from it all, from Indian and Pakistan, there was too much violence from both sides. Now, we don’t want anything, stop all of it, we just want peace. For me atleast im so tired that azadi would jsut mean peace. 

------------

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

august 23 2017 age 19

and i yelled out isn't it so beautiful!! and we talked and he asked for my number. i love myself i love my energy i love my life. and on the path to totality i brought up to jacob how theres a small line where its most visible for a longer duration and we headed that way instead, it was perfect. the whole thing was perfect, barely any traffic and we were in the middle of nowhere. so there was a parking. we parked in a power plant parking lot and slept in the car. when i woke up, jacob played the beatles for me, it was nice to hear a day in the life, and magical musketry tour as soon as i woke up.. so amazing. and for the solar ecplise i meditated and did yoga. i felt the earths strong energy.. it was very intense.. with the alignment of the sun and the moon had a great affect on earth, earth;’s energy i felt was bursting- and i was there to feel it all in, to welcome it to my body, and show my gratitude. i screamedwhen the solar ecplise was complete. it looked so unreal! so scary!!! i was surprised! didn't know what a solar eclipse looked like! didnt know what to expect! i didnt look tip pictures the day before! paulo and briksha got me in the mood for loving the earth and myself and yoga by sending group texts about spiritual practices to experience during the solar ecplise. when it was going away, i listened to a recording and aligned my chakras, which was very intense. and i did my favorite yoga move, which is just my crown chakra touching the ground in downward facing dog, and i felt like the earth was feeding me wisdom, and its golden light energy. i sid this for a long time. iw as very grateful for the experience. i learned a lot that day. i was presented with a lesson on being confidence in myself and accepting myself. when aligning my chakras, i felt some heavy emotion on working on my yellow chakra (solar plexus) and crown. actually it was just empashis, something to work on. this week is solar plex chakra, self confidence.. and during eclipse it was crown chakra. where earths golden light was inviting and accepting me and feeding me light. and this week is solar plexus! bc I've lacked in confidence in most things I've been doing, feeling unworthy of challenges and experiences, like today!!!!!!! TODAY!!! so yesteryda i was very stressed about today, i didnt want to miss psychology bc i needed to get the add code to get into the class, but the modeling gig was at 10, and the class at 9:10, and i was stressed all day especially ll night about modeling, i almost didnt go today!! Ive just felt a lack in confidence. thinking about my acne, and how prettier the other girls would be. and yesterday i naired my whole face. i also was trying to sleep early but that didnt work.. i was just very stressed about everything man! but yesertda was so good too, good balance. i got free burritos, free book loans, and applied for a (2) $100 clipper card at the school!! and food stamps!! resources and opportunities are everywhere!! but yesterday i planned this whole day for me and almost woke up and didnt do it.. i woke up at 5 am bc i wanted to shower then do yoga after, bc yoga is so powerful when I'm pure and cleansed and healed from the water, water is so healing. i am grat4eful for the disagreements in my head. for the clash, for committing, and believing in myself and in the universe. i took a shower when i was so close to skipping out on it and yoga, but i FUCKING DID IT. I COMMITED> ad theshwoer was so good! and i was conflicted with shaving bx well you know me and shaving but i said FUCK IT and shaved! the email said to wear high wasied things and the only high waisted i had was shorts. oh and hannah sent me this modeling thing a few weeks ago! but yoga was so gooooooood paulo is a miracle worker i love him. i didnt want to get up, neither of us did, i told him he was the best and he said no you're the best,t. paulo is so great. such a great teacher. then i got ready right after fire and was running late! ibroguht so much shit bc i didnt know what to bring i just brought a lot of vintage tees. i was running late for psychology too but i went still and when i got there it was PERFECT. i emailed the teacher i couldn't stay the whole class and was hoping it wouldn't be a problem and she never replied so i was def taking a chance but when i got there she was doing role call!!! and i was on th waitlist! then after i went up to her and tried to explain myself but she mentioned how she already read my email and to stay as long as i cana or come back, but after  i sat down she called names to give add codes too and i was one of them!! and she said huh you dont have to email me after all!! so perfect!! i was there for like 5 minutes! sp perfect. i left and went to the women locker room and changed and put on make up, i wa slacking some confidence bc of the emphasis i put towards my acne, but i got an uber and went! i was late for that too, but i did it and went! i had coffee and the uber driver braked really hard and i spilled it on my jeans.. i laughed at first and thought about la la land and how she had an interview in the clothes she was wearing when someone spilled coffee on her.. so cute.. and resonating. but i was getting a little frustrated bc i literally have to wear those to a shoot. when i got to the shoot i felt so much better! everyone was so nice and the girls looked normal! i felt like i fit in. I'm not sure how i look in the photos, but i felt a lil awkward bc i didnt know how to pose! but it was so fun!! all the girls were cute and nice!!! and it was so up my alley! so 70s! everything was vintage 60s and 70s and i had a lot of fun! i ended up befriending a girl  i had to do patty cake with and we are going to skate in the near future! she showed up in her long board! it was so fun and we got to go on the website and choose a piece of clothing we wanted ! bc we didnt get paid! but when i told elena that she said i was such a beautiful model that i need to get paid more for that.. so sweet of her.. and when i saw her in the room she said its so nice to be in my presence.. my energy.. and called me beautiful and kept taking pics of me.. so nice of her!! then yesterday i asked ashlan if beloved was hiring and yesterday he called me and said they were going to hire me within this week! i literally had to do nothing and i got a fucking job! the owner called me and everything !! and we had an interview where i wore my new dress from CAMP that i modeled for and it was amazing. i cant wait to work at beloved. i told her i and eifently feel some growth from it, and how my yoga path is focused on diet right now. and she mentioned how she's super into yoga and stayed at a few ashrams and really emphasized diet and being a yogi. love love theexperiecne !! and now I'm here.. contemplating on getting a degree in something fuN.. bc iu only get one life.. might as well study something fun.. like music.. bc i can always teach with a teaching certificate and get a bachelors in anything.. I've been thinking about music business.,. id love to be around music always!! god life is so good and full of opportunity.. i am so happy.. and tonight i get to share all this! but not the whole thing.take chances, take a risk.. do it all. believe in yourself. you are worthy. you are beautiful.. and now I'm going to fire ceremony in my fucking ashram. how sick is my fucking life dawg. how fucking sick. and I'm going to help jesse paint tomorrow in exchange for an africna drum lesson. boom boom my life kicks so much ass!! damn damn damn!!! DAMN MAMA DAMNNANANANNANA.  and going my online english mandatory meeting class made me realize how a challenge is always a best reward,,, I'm not excited bc its online and i won't get an experience from it.. so I'm going to take sippers class,.. or atleast try .. bc everything i was tressed about is working out.. all the classes i was waitlisted on I'm getting into.. and if i take a risk, theres always a learning epcerice to it. i should take it into account with beloved.. just do it.. just take the risk. it was prenseted to me by the universe.. why not.. literally handed to me.. i didnt have to do anything.. and I'm already doubting it and myself,, thinking i cant handle it.. but shut up !! take a risk!! do it!! if i dont like it its not permanent!! ideas for carriers./ majors: music business, therapy (sound therapy- music being healing for me, yoga instructor, model LIFE is limitless!! i can major in anything then get a teaching certificate after a bachelors and teach!! but I'm going to calle lemtnaryhschools tomorrow to see if i can meet iwht teachers and hear what they have to say about their career and system.. and to see if i can get some work down with children to understand the job more(: LFIE IS GREAT AH