#; this meta was sitting in my inbox and I had to do something about it

[distopea]

Meta + success/failure (Diego)

@royaletiquette

You sent that meme in 2023, congratulations it's its birthday!

Denial is the key.

To be honest, Diego is the kind of character you really wish to punch. The one who goes under your skin, the one who provokes plenty of emotions. He's arrogant, selfish, self-centered, stubborn, and loud. It's hard to build a genuine relationship with him, and frankly, he doesn't care if nothing is real. It's all about consumming everything. It comes and it goes, and he's fine like that.

But Diego is a successful man. You can't tell otherwise. Even as the scapegoat for the Cleaners, he still succeeds, even if his place is not a certainty in the future. He always opens business, he parties the way he wants, and he earns plenty of money. He wins. The secret? It's about his lack of acknowledgement regarding his failures, the incapacity to see his own flaws, and a powerful sense of gaslighting.

YOU CAN'T argue with Diego. If you try, he will dismiss your opinion. If you prove your words, he will ignore them. He creates his own narration, and that's how businesses work with him. That's how he gets what he wants, because investors don't have the energy to always battle against him. Something didn't work? Not his fault; he was perfect. You can't prove otherwise? He's turning the situation to his advantage.

Success is a state of mind for Diego. Only losers will put in perspective what they have to change; he's certain to be above them all. A nasty ego, that's for sure. But Diego is a pain in the ass, and forever.

[backjustforberena]

Hi! I just wanted to say that I absolutely adore your takes on Rhaenys. Unironically, there are so many times where I am having A Big Thought on the subject and come on here and you have said the exact thing I do not have the words to say myself and it is wonderful.

Also, I just saw your reply to someone else who said something similarly, and I am glad to know that your current fixation on all things Eve and also Rhaenys as a character isn’t going anywhere. I always feel like I’m late to the party discovering things so I wind up missing all the good discourse and squeeing over actresses and characters, so knowing that at least for the foreseeable future you will also be out there in the world losing your shit over her is good for my soul.

Also also, I do not know if you are still taking the rose asks, but the excerpts of yours I have read from that so far are all so good. I am very (im)patiently waiting for whenever you see fit to finish the things they are a part of so I may enjoy them just as much in context as I have in snippet form!

Hello! I let this sit in my inbox for a few days just so I could keep looking at it and smiling broadly. What a lovely, lovely thing to say and to take the time to write.

I'm glad that you've enjoyed my meta, thoughts and opinions about Rhaenys. She's just a character that's got a very big hold on me at the moment (along with her husband and her relationships with others) and no one in my real life actually watches HOTD for me to talk to them about it, and not in this detail! So Tumblr is a great place to really indulge in all that sort of thing, and get genuine debate and engagement from others who may be feeling the same way. And it's a creative outlet, as much as anything else, with the fic and the gifs and all of that. I really love it.

You're not late with me! And the good thing about Tumblr is that the internet is permanent. If you are interested in meta and thoughts and all that stuff, then you can search my blog. A lot of tagged with "bad meta" because I like being ironic, or else with the character name. And, honestly, I'm always happy to re-hash. You could come into my inbox any time.

I've always got something percolating, fic-wise, and, for being so lovely and nice, here's a longer extract of something - it's an AU in which, in Episode 01, Viserys summons Rhaenys over Rhaenyra, and offers the crown to her. A lot of the time, I do "what-ifs" to explore the politics and the interpersonal relationships. This one has been a doozy to actually finish because, as you can read, Rhaenys is basically thinking Viserys is out of his mind - that it can't be done:

I like writing Viserys and Rhaenys - the tragedy of that relationship. I don't do it often enough because, unfortunately, there will always be barriers preventing true honesty between them, which curbs any progress between them and a lot of opportunity for storytelling that's true to them.

There's always pain and distance despite deep love. This delves into that a little bit but because Viserys needs Rhaenys to see his earnestness, and they are in private, and he needs her to accept his plan (giving her the crown), the walls come down a bit. So, for example, in this, after this extract, Viserys actually asks her why she never had more children. And she's actually honest about it.

It's fun to explore. Asking yourself questions.

[active-mind-15]

"Kuroko no Basket Watches Kuroko no Basket: The Meta Saga"? Woah, is this really what it says on the tin? 🤭👏

LMFAO yes, it is exactly what it says on the tin. At the time I first wrote it, we were in an era of fic-writers doing meta fics like this where characters of a show would watch the show and give commentary (think back to the KNB fandisc setups). Since I saw some people doing it for KNB, I wanted to take my own crack at it. So I created a premise where all the main KNB schools were having a training camp together post-Winter Cup and stumble upon a mysterious DVD case containing all three seasons of the show, and the fic was meant to be them sitting down to watch it.

I wanted it to go deeper than them just giving commentary since this is essentially all these teams getting full context for everything that happened since the Teiko gang and Kagami started high school. In between the chapters where they were reacting to episodes, I planned to have intermission chapters where the characters would continue on with the training camp but also reflect on the episodes they've seen so far and how it's changed their perspective on other characters/events in the show. There's a lot I had planned for this one.

It's been on hiatus for quite some time, but it's another old fic of mine that had a strange resurgence in popularity because I've gotten notifs from as recent as a few weeks ago saying people have followed/favorited that story, even though the last update was over 6 years ago. I do want to update it soon, but I feel like I want to rework the prologue and make it completely different because as I'm re-reading it, it kinda doesn't make as much sense as I thought it did. But when I'm done cleaning it up, I'll link it here.

If anyone else wants to ask me something related to a WIP, please see the WIP list I made, pick one or more WIPs, and inquire about them through my inbox!

[jq37]

The fact Gerard's vision of a better world is 'none of that 5am bullshit, we wake up at 8 to workout', just the best. I wonder if Ylfa's still got dawg in her, or if that's not a thing in her new reality. Anyway, another great finale for the books, wrapped more satisfyingly than I expected. There were so many threads, I didn't think they would have the time. I was expecting the Top Hat Fairy to do something to help like Turquina, but *shrug*. I suppose Ylfa having that hat for the rest battle was enough help and was definitely not a waste of precious resources. *sighs* So many 20's, so many stressful Box of Doom's, on the edge of my seat the whole time, satisfying conclusions to everyone's story arcs. You can't ask for better than that.

OK this has been sitting in my inbox for a bit for two reasons. The first is I've just been majorly busy with IRL stuff. The second is that I have...let's say mixed feelings about Neverafter as a whole having seen the finale. 

Like, as a vehicle for comedy (which Dimension 20 largely is--makes sense considering the cast is all comedians who are friends. A recipe for shenanigans if I've ever heard one) the season absolutely succeeded. There were very few moments of this season where I wasn't entertained. Thinking about Ylfa saying the phrase, "honking big" will break me every time. Watching the cast lose their mind during adventuring party every week as they descended further into madness was fantastic. And Ylfa going in for the kiss w/ Pinnochio at the end had me dying. 

But as a story? And specifically, as a story ABOUT stories? 

Ehhhhhhhhhhh.

[To be clear, I am talking about MY opinions here. To everyone who really loved how this season wrapped up, that's fantastic! I'm just talking about me and my thoughts. Even when I'm making broad statements, I'm still just talking about me. Cool? Cool.]

Just to start with the broadest thing, it is *insane* to have a finale that is nigh incomprehensible without having watched some bonus content, and honestly, only slightly more comprehensible if you have watched that bonus content. Like, was it FUNNY to see the full cast practically melting as they went feral for the Orange Fairy? Yes, obviously. But it also undercut any sense of like real stakes or weight to the entire affair. 

I'm not the biggest fan of final fights in general because it often feels like just drawn-out math, but I feel like, even factoring that in, the fight didn't feel as engaging as it could because by the second part of the fight, we were fighting characters we hadn't spent a lot of time with. Like, sure, I have thoughts about how the princesses were handled but we did spend time with them. Enough time to at least have some sort of opinion when they were taken down. And enough time for characters to have relationships with them that paid off during their fights--Red taking down La Bete for instance, or Pinnochio reaching out to Mira. With the fairies, we only really met three of them (Turq, The Evil One, and the Godmother), and we really only got a half-decent read on Turq. So it really wasn't that emotionally satisfying (outside of whatever emotion they were CLEARLY getting from their Orange Fairy Acid Trip). 

And then the Authors we know the least about! There were all these meta elements that were introduced in this season that weren't really explored much at all. So that element felt really obligatory to me. It was like, the fighting of a vague concept. Which isn't to say that can't work. They fully fight the American Dream in Unsleeping City 1. But that worked for me because (1) they had the concrete villain of Robert Moses to fight as well and (2) there was a very clear thematic reason they were fighting the American Dream. Put a pin in that, I'm coming back to it. 

The last two big elements in the fight are the Gander who didn't really do anything but by all accounts, SHOULD have been a bigger player and the Stepmother who ABSOLUTELY should have felt more satisfying to defeat because I actually think she has one of the more interesting stories in the story. Unlike the princesses (who struck me as shortsighted and selfish at worst and majorly misguided at best) and the PCs (who felt very rebel without a cause and a bit aimless for large parts of the season), I fully understand why a character who is always written to be evil would want to be like OK, screw it. Burn it all down. But then, at the last second, we get this, "No, wait, I actually wanted to free us all from the authors" thing and it just feels like it comes out of nowhere. Like, maybe giving her her name back gave her back her humanity or something, Fine. But it gave me so much whiplash. We did not spend enough time with her story threads for that to work imo. 

Going back to the Authors thing now. I'm going to skip over a bunch of my logistical questions about them (Is that one ink hand speaking for all Authors? For only some? What even is an Author in the context of this world? Is the world that exists above the Never After even really our world? Fairy Tales don't even have set authors most of the time. They're oral tradition. What does killing an ink hand do mechanically in the actual world? Did they kill the entire concept of storytelling or just give one person bad writer's block? ) and go to my thematic question which is, what is the tone that was meant to be struck here? Or I guess rather, why was this the tone struck? The idea of Authors as a malevolent force and that never really being challenged is so bizarre to me. Because storytelling as a concept exists in their world. So why would they assume malevolence rather than people who just don't understand they're playing with the lives of sentient beings? Like, I get the concept of seeing something just beyond your meagre comprehension and cracking. I really do. But that really only happened when Tim saw the ink. Everyone seemed to just jump on the "Authors Evil" bandwagon and didn't examine that further. And I guess you're not obligated to look further into the people who are controlling your life against your will (though, I really don't understand to what degree the Authors were actually doing that--add that question to the pile) but that makes for a very unsatisfying story beat. 

But even outside of that, it's a weird take on storytelling from a storyteller in a medium where you're seeing the storyteller on screen at all times along with the other six storytellers who are telling the story. It's like, an insane level of dissonance, watching someone narrate about how Authors are so cruel and uncaring while watching seven people who are so passionate about what they do, clearly having a great time in the world they created. It made that thread ring hollow to me. And I'm not trying to do some kind of pedantic gotcha like, "Oh ho. You said storytelling is bad and yet you are a storyteller. Interesting." That's not what I'm saying. If you want to tell a story about control and lack of control and agency and all that, then I can see having your players play characters who are being controlled by authors. But it wasn't explored in a way that made any kind of point other than, "Free will is good." Which...yeah. And I initially thought it was very cool that they were telling a story about character feeling like they didn't have agency in a medium where we literally have to watch the "extraplanar beings" controlling the characters' agency because I thought they were going to do something interesting with it but they never really did. Frustrating. 

There were hella loose ends that were never tied (What actually caused the Neverafter to merge? What does the Auroratory actually do? What caused the times of shadow*? What was going on in the other worlds?) but lastly, I just want to touch on the loose ends that actually *were* tied. Specifically in the epilogue. 

So the idea here is everyone gets to write their own stories. That sounds good in theory. But, in reality, people are gonna have wishes that contradict. And people are gonna have wishes that are bad. And people are gonna have wishes that control other people. Like, in this new reality Tom Thumb wakes up at 8. But that's what Ger wants. Is that what Tom wants? In this new reality Elody and Ger are divorced. Did they both want that? What if one of them didn't want that? What if multiple people want to be married to the same person? What if multiple people want to be royalty of the same place? What if multiple people want to be despotic dictators or the same place?

I'm not going to go through every epilogue, but Roz's in particular gave me pause. Not because she decided to not give herself a true love and in fact specify a cruddy dating life for herself--wouldn't have been my move but do you girl. No, it made me go "huh?" because Siobhan said that in this rewritten version, instead of avoiding spindles, she gets really good at handling spindles, and then when the witch shows up with a spindle, she knows how to handle herself. But that's just like...not how Sleeping Beauty works? Like, it's not that Auora's curse takes hold because she was bad at spindles. It happens because she was cursed to die (softened to sleep) when pricked by a spindle on that day and time! Michael Jordan could have been cursed to die via basketball on his 25th birthday and no amount of talent would have saved him because it's not about life experience. It's about magic. And like, I get that she wanted to have more agency in her story but that's just like...not Sleeping Beauty at that point. If she had been like, "So I spend my whole childhood preparing to face the evil fairy and defeat her in a battle of wits/magic/sword fighting/Uno/etc before my curse takes hold instead of letting people solve the problem for me" then that would have tracked for me. But as is? That was just bizarre. 

And then also the fact that the Stepmother AND the Gander were just like, good in this world? The stepmother, I can maybe kinda sorta buy. Like, I have questions 100%. Was this what Cinderella wanted? For her abusive stepmother to just get a clean slate to be in her life again? We're not given any indication that the Stepmother is really a nice person who is being forced to play into the villain kayfabe by her puppet masters and really in her heart just wants to be good. But that COULD happen (and I wish it had) so sure. Fine. But the Gander? The Gander, this primal force, just wants to be good and wander? First off, not the main thing here, but if I was Tim and this dude made my son turn to bones I'd be like??? No??? But also, I thought the Gander was like, a force of the universe! The opposite of the Goose! Yin and Yang type stuff! He can just be good with no cosmological consequences???

(Also, as I said, it's really kind of jarring to watch these characters like struggle for control of their stories and then just, in real time, while 6 actors put words in their mouths about what their best life is. I know that's the nature of the game but it doesn't make it not weird to watch.)

In conclusion, I found this season exceptionally funny but also not very narratively cohesive. I really wish it had come together a bit better because I really love fairy tales. My thesis project right now (which I'll probably share on here when I'm done with it)  is a fairy tale retelling and the last major writing project I worked on had a lot of fairy tale inspiration as well. I think there were a lot of potentially interesting ideas in this season! Pinocchio asking why other kids get to mess up but he can't is a great beat. Pib as an incarnation of an archetypical trickster spirit is inspired. The effects of a True Love's Kiss spell wearing off as your marriage crumbles has interesting implications. But it didn't coalesce in what I felt was a satisfying way. I admire the effort that went into this season and would love to see Brennan's notes because I'm sure there's a lot we never got to (some of which might answer some of my questions) but as is, it felt a bit overstuffed and underbaked. 

*OK, we actually did get an answer to this question, but it was so tautological as to be basically meaningless and I would like a more in-depth answer. 

PS: Oh! I got kind of carried away and didn't answer everything in your message. Let me fix that! 

-I think Ylfa is just a normal girl now. I did think Roz taking her in once she was separated from the wolf was very sweet. I have some existential questions about the splitting situation but the moment was still sweet regardless. I do like that people still draw her with the wolf ears though. Wolf ears are always fun. 

-It *is* very funny that Ger had a page to write literally whatever he wanted and that made the list. 

-I am fascinated by what would have happened if they'd failed that roll. I know Brennan said they'd have time looped back to the start and ended on a bummer note, but I mean like, what would the table's energy have been like. They've never lost like that before. Still haven't. And I didn't really *want* them to but also...my fatal flaw is curiosity so you know...

-Them fighting fully corrupted Tim would have been interesting too. What a cool what could have been. I'm sure there are so many of those. 

-That damn Top Hat. Do you think they're actually gonna sell that with the rest of the minis or keep it?

[leothil]

so i just got into it with a bucktommy fan on twitter and they were talking about i know that they're not gonna last but i like buck being happy. NEWSFLASH DIPSHIT, Eddie is about to be going through something completely and utterly traumatic that is going to mentally effect him to the point he self isolates likely going into next season and your dumbass thinks Buck is going to be HAPPY going into S8!? Tell me you don't understand how absolutely insane Buck is when it comes to Eddie without telling me you don't understand.

Then again this person called Eddie a plot device, lmfao. No sweetie the plot device is the one that only has about 4 minutes of screentime and majority of it is kissing..., that's the plot device.

I've had this sitting in my inbox for a few days because I've not been sure how to answer. Like... I get the temptation to argue with people Being Wrong Online, I really do, but my experience also says it's hardly ever worth it. Especially on twitter, where common sense goes to die. If people want to be rude/stupid/whatever it's better to unfollow or block them.

And yes, it is annoying when new people who have barely entered the fandom act like they understand the show better, or drag up some discourse that's been over for three years, or think they're the first person to ever see this one detail (that has been the focus of a hundred gifsets and metas), but starting an argument isn't the way to go.

[cha-melodius]

Hellooooo 16 and 20 for the ask game please and thanks!

I've got two of these writer asks lingering in my inbox because both asked the meta question (20), and although I answered it here for a chapter of Nova, Baby, I've also been like, I should do meta on different fics! So it's taken me a bit to get around to them. But thank you for asking!

16. Tried anything new with your writing lately? (style, POV, genre, fandom?)

I don't think I've tried anything TOO new since I started writing for RWRB, honestly. I'm trying to write more silly short fics, though, and there are some prompt scenarios in my inbox now that will definitely stretch my creative muscles (like the STI clinic meet cute, lmao).

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

A bit of meta for All for a Taste of the Honey (aka FBI agents and stripper!Henry).

I have to admit when stripper!Henry swept the Brownstone, I did not think I would be participating. That's definitely a genre I don't usually write in. But then my brain gave me undercover-as-a-stripper as a concept, and undercover missions?? Now that's a genre I know. I chose FBI agents because I was in the middle of writing a CIA/MI6 AU (fun fact, I actually left @celeritas2997 and @cricketnationrise on a big cliffhanger in my docs and took a break to write this fic, lmao. I'm amazed they didn't murder me), and didn't want to overlap with that, but FBI agents was closer to spies than detectives or something. I just love writing bickering partners who are actually in love but just don't know it yet, and this was ripe for that.

(Spoilers below)

As with any undercover as a stripper trope fic worth its salt, the whole point of this one was to get Alex to have a breakdown over Henry stripping. Not just the taking off clothes and gyrating on stage, but the whole competency kink thing, because Henry's actually good at it. Also an excuse to put Henry in a slutty Navy uniform; the American flag briefs were chosen for maximum psychic damage to Alex. I like to think Henry kept them for the future and deploys them when he wants something.

Looking at this fic again, I think the part where Alex watches Henry come out on stage might be my highest frequency of italicized words in text ever. 😂 This boy was really suffering.

“Straight like you’re straight?” Henry asks smugly, like the absolute asshole he is. Alex hates him so much right now. “Or actually straight?”

I'm pretty sure this is everyone's favorite line based on how often it got quoted back to me in the comments, and it's mine too. Something about cocky, teasing Henry just gets to me.

I love Alex having a slow bisexual crisis, and I also love him getting hit over the head with a 2x4. This is the latter.

Henry had caught a small-caliber round to the gut on what should have been a simple sting, and Alex had not taken it particularly well. There’d been no real reason for him to linger at Henry’s bedside in the hospital, even though he’d desperately wanted to.

Just me hinting at one of my favorite tropes to write, the ol' sitting by the hospital bed of your injured partner standard. Often leads to feelings realizations. In people who aren't as dense as ACD.

The scene where Alex busts into the back room was probably the hardest part of this fic to write, because I needed Alex back there without raising too much of a ruckus, but I also needed Vega's security to be tight. Alex's distraction + quiet takedown of the bodyguards is very much a Michael Weston (Burn Notice) move.

“Apologies,” Henry says to the other dancers as they go. “Pleasure working with you. You were all very lovely.”

Henry being a Polite King delights me to no end.

The car chase + argument scene was possibly my second favorite part to write after Alex losing it in the club. For some reason I find car chases actually quite easy to write; I'd just written a really big one for a fic in a different fandom, so it was fresh in my mind I guess. I also love their fight over Alex being overprotective. I do remember hemming and hawing a bit at their words to make sure it wasn't too similar to one of their Alex-being-overprotective fights from Nova, Baby. (Yes, Alex being overprotective, especially when Henry doesn't need protecting, is a big fave of mine.)

then he’s climbing across the center console and into Alex’s lap, somehow managing to not bump into the car horn as he does so.

I spent too long thinking about if this (and everything that follows) is actually possible. I googled photos of cars. We're going to pretend that it is.

Henry’s hands sink into his curls

Pretty sure every fic I've ever written about them includes this line. I love being vindicated.

All right, I think that's all I've got for now! Thanks again for the ask!

[gossipsnake]

Describe your character's voice. Do they speak with an accent? Are there certain words they use more often, or certain quirks to the way they talk (such as using filler words or mumbling)? Are they soft-spoken, or typically louder? Do they like the sound of their own voice, or is it something they try to avoid listening to when possible?

//This is one that I have had sitting around in my inbox for a hot minute because I've wanted to like sit down and really think about it and meta hour was the perfect time to do so.

Anita definitely speaks English with an accent. Even though she grew up very wealthy in Mexico she never learned English while she lived there because her parents felt it was beneath them - they were powerful and prominent lamia with no intention of ever leaving Mexico. Around age 16, when she knew she wanted to go to college in the US, she likely began to try and teach herself some English - largely through consuming American media.

When she immigrated to the US at 18 it was an immersion learning experience and she learned how to speak English fluently while in school throughout the south. This consisted of living in Texas for 4 years for undergrad, then in New Mexico for 2 years for her masters degree, followed by 6 years in North Carolina for her dual PhDs. The result being that she has a noticeable accent and her cadence, tone, and slang use in English is linked to the American southwest and south-east. I tried to find a video of what her accent would sound like because Karla Souza does not have a noticeable accent when speaking English but it was pretty hard to find something that felt accurate, I would say it is most similar to Ana de la Reguera's accent.

When she speaks English she takes extra effort to annunciate clearly, especially when teaching, which causes her to speak slower than she would in Spanish. When she speaks in Spanish her tone is somewhat more relaxed and she talks pretty fast, she doesn't mumble but she doesn't over annunciate either. In both language she uses filler words with an average frequency, is on the louder side, and is very expressive with her face and hands when she talks.

Unsurprisingly... Anita loves the sound of her own voice.

[bisexualamy]

Transition Update #66: 3 Weeks Post Op Phallo (Stage 1)

Last update

This one is also going to be more causal and shorter because I am still very tired haha. As always feel free to send follow-up/other questions to my inbox.

As of 3 weeks I can:

walk to the end of the block and back (but feel pretty tired after)

stay up the whole day without napping

have no noticeable pain just taking advil and tylenol

shower, shave, etc. without help

use the bathroom without a catheter

walking down stairs

Things that are still difficult:

walking up stairs

standing for more than about 20 min at a time

bending at the waist

using the bathroom in public

sitting in any chair without a donut pillow (and even then, only for a few hours at most)

lifting anything over about 8lbs (or, one unit of my cat)

I'm cleared as of Thursday to take the subway again, which I am going to attempt to go back to in person ASL classes. Zoom classes are a nightmare for me and double in ASL, and I haven't been able to go to class since Augut and I miss them :(. I'm going to bring my pillow with me for both the subway and class. Even though, I'm sure, it'll wipe me out, I still want to try.

I've had both of my immediate post ops as of now and it's 80% good news. I have no complications and no infections, and I'm excited that my surgeon cleared me to start slowly increasing my physical activity. That's wonderful. I know I'm just one data point, but I just want to add my voice to the crowd that if you're able to go to skilled surgeons and take the phasing process slowly, meta and phallo aren't uniquely guaranteed to cause serious complications; they're just serious surgeries which need to be taken seriously.

The next bit under cut has to do with weight/weight loss and frank language about how the UL is going:

Starting with the 20% bad to end on something more light-hearted. While I was under, my surgical team did a few preparatory incisions to queue up taking the graft in phase 2, and to check if the graft site composition was what they expected it to be.

That answer turned out to be no. Apparently, the skin on my abdomen is too thick to create a safe graft, which means that they shifted my weight loss goal down. I'm not thrilled about this because I was excited to be done, and it's possible to lose it in time for stage 2, but may require us to push it back a month or two. Apparently, if the graft tissue is too thick, adequate blood supply can't get to the phallus and it will die. So I get why we're doing it this way and I'm glad we're not changing the graft site. It would just suck to have to push stage 2 back. The other option is to forgo the UL after all, which would create more room and accommodate thicker skin.

Even though UL was my lowest priority, I'll still be disappointed if I have to ditch it. One unexpected thing I gained in phase 1 was a small UL as part of the meta surgery. Once I got my catheter out (!!!) I found out that I'm experiencing something apparently common during recovery, which is that I temporarily have 2 urethras (old and new). Apparently the old will close on its own but accommodating that has been annoying and kind of funny but I'll be happy when it's over. Anyway, I was surprised at how gender affirming that was and I'd like to keep it if I can.

[walkawaytall]

Fic anon here! No worries about publishing (or not, ofc). I was in another fandom that involved a lot of very meta+crack minifics shared on anon purely for silly purposes and while we don't do that so much in this corner of the SW fandom, the inspiration just like hit re: your name

While I'm jabbering in your inbox, for your fanfic write asks: 5! 7!

Oh, good, I'm glad I didn't commit a faux pas :). Thank you!

Onward to answers:

5. Is there a tiny detail in one of your fics that you feel goes tragically unnoticed?

This is really just an inside joke with myself (I mean, I did make a Tumblr post about it, but I haven't drawn attention to it on the sites where I post, and no one has mentioned that they noticed), but there's this half-heard argument about something Luke dubs "The Snakebite Incident" in Speak Louder and...okay the thing is, at the time that I wrote Speak Louder, I had written The Short Stick, posted it, and then taken it down a couple of hours later because I was self-conscious about it for some reason, and I had plans to totally overhaul The Short Stick or whatever. I needed something mind-numbingly stupid for Han and Leia to argue about, and The Snakebite Incident argument was in The Short Stick. So, I stole the short bit of dialogue from my own story, dumped it in Speak Louder as this argument that Luke is tired of hearing because they're both unreliable narrators, so he never gets the full story, and every time the situation gets brought up, they fight about it, and everyone is over hearing the same argument.

And then, months later, I reread The Short Stick after letting it chill for awhile and I don't hate it. I'm not self-conscious about it any more. But, crap, I gutted that one argument for a different story, now I have to come up with something equally stupid for them to argue about, right?

Or. Instead...they can have the same argument, almost word-for-word with a few variations. Because the entire point of this argument is that everyone around them only gets some of the details, no one has 100% of the story except Han and Leia themselves, and they keep having it to the annoyance of anyone within hearing distance. (Though, Han does learn a grammatical lesson between Speak Louder and The Short Stick and corrects himself before Leia can get to it the second time around.) So, yeah, I'm probably going to keep including it in things if it fits and doesn't become excessive because I find it funny.

7. Share a line or paragraph you’ve written that you don’t think will ever actually be posted in anything! (Or, if you don’t hoard cut sentences and passages like I do, share anything you want that has yet to see the light of day!)

Here, I'll share the start of a story that I'm pretty sure started with, "Let's do a bottle-episode-style story!" (I think I've started three different stories with this concept and a proper bottle episode has never emerged from these attempts) and not much in way of plot or purpose. I'm not going to resurrect this. It's never going anywhere because it had nowhere to go in the first place, but it's a moment, I guess:

Leia was going to lose her mind or murder Han Solo — though she supposed the two actions weren’t mutually exclusive. They were supposed to meet with the leaders of a small cell of rebels who’d been fighting their own battles against the Empire unaided on Mimban. Leia’s goal was to offer aid in exchange for the group officially joining the Alliance. The entire trip was supposed to be short — land, meet, negotiate whatever terms needed negotiating, leave — but when they arrived in the small, dingy, building where they were supposed to meet their contacts, they were told they needed to wait.

It had been half an hour. Half an hour spent sitting in a small, poorly lit room where the temperature seemed to vary wildly by the minute with only Han for company, and Han was beginning to get antsy. Leia fully understood the struggles of sitting still, of waiting. She’d never been particularly good at it, and had developed several subtle ways over the years to move and fidget without others catching on. She knew the feeling of a spring in her torso coiling ever tighter until she finally had to move. She also knew that Han’s restlessness was excessive in a way that almost seemed calculated.

First had been the leg switching. He’d initially sat with the ankle of one leg crossed over the knee of the other. A few minutes in, he’d switched legs. Leia herself had shifted her weight at least once in that time and, had she not been looking directly at Han at the time, she likely wouldn’t have noticed. Except he kept doing it every minute or so, with the frequency eventually increasing to every twenty seconds.

Every twenty seconds. On the dot. Leia counted.

She sighed, all but shivering as the temperature in the corridor they waited in dropped for the third time. “Shouldn’t have to wait much longer,” she said, a hint of apology in her tone.

Han shrugged. “I got nowhere to be.” He shifted his legs again.

Leia studied him for a moment. “You can go outside for a bit if you want. See the sights.”

He looked at her incredulously. “I’ve seen these sights, Princess. Trust me, I’m good.”

She pursed her lips. “Okay, well, I’m going to need you to stop moving your legs every five seconds because I’m about to lose my mind.”

Thanks!

fanfic writer asks

[keysimash]

Hello!!

I do not want to be bothering or rude, I am just curious if you’ve had time or energy to continue Leave, I still love the story so much and am looking forward to find out how it goes!!

But if not it’s ok, I just hope you have a nice day no matter what!! <3

Short answer , it's not discontinued but idk when I will work on it again. Sorry to be a disappointment

Long answer you probably dont want to read

I hate it. I can't even read it. I like my story, I like the plans I HAVE for the story, I just.... cant read my own writing. And this isn't some kind of compliment fishing either, it's gotten to the point I dont even like getting nice comments about it on my ao3 inbox anymore.

I sit down to work on it and I just... can't. All I can think about is how cringy it sounds ... and how bad it is, etc etc

Logically I know I'm actually a pretty good writer. But all I see when I look at this shit is mistakes.

And I come across in my writing as... way too emotional and earnest? If that makes any sense. I've mentioned I never made a plot outline, that shit is sooo obvious when i read it. And how I changed the plot three or four times. And how I changed the plot every time I got upset.

I used to not give a fuck about appealing to other people when I wrote because I didnt have anyone whose opinion I cared about reading it but now I feel like I have to write it not shittily or I'll disappoint everyone and myself. And I'm not capable of writing it not shittily right now because I would

a) have to build off the disjointed skeleton I've already made that's got plot holes and mischaracterizations

b) start over from scratch

And I can't do it right now! I cant!

I keep thinking about how my best friend told me I shouldn't put vent art on the internet at all. I feel disgusting now almost. Like people that take pics of their cuts and post em. I know shes full of shit but I cant shake the feeling. That it's my fault if I trigger somebody. That by writing anything that isnt a joke or fluff I'm doing something gross and self-masturbatory and harmful. "If you interpret the characters in a way the author didnt want you're just wrong..." that's what she said.. Its kirby and Meta knight and magolor for gods sake. What am I doing trying to make a gritty realistic darkfic... from a kids game.... cringe.... (only me tho. Nobody else counts)

Even my other works for other fandoms, it almost feels like they're on a timer as soon as I post them. I go "I like that, that's good" and post, and then a few days later I'm like "oh . That's shit now" and it has nothing to do with engagement or anything, its just like an arbitrary switch flipped in my brain

The only time I was writing well and writing consistently... was when I was being abused... I feel like I've lost my spark ... because maybe the only time I can make anything good is when I'm under so much emotional pressure I feel like I'm about to snap.... but if that were true I should be writing right now haha.

And I can sit here and know all these things, that when I'm stressed my thought process goes all stupid, that I'm actually a good writer, that I'm not hurting anybody by the fic I post, that writing something shit is better than not writing anything at all, but it doesn't do anything to change how I feel.

But. I did say it's not discontinued, didnt I?

If its stressing me out so much well why dont I delete it, well the answer to that is I HATE HATE HATE when authors delete their good shit.... deep down I know a lot of people love my stories and that they have some worth... that's why I haven't deleted them all...

I love writing, still.... writing for cotl feels less bad than kirby cos.. it feels like its expected to be edgy and dark, so I dont feel bad about what I write until later at least... but I still love to write and create....

I just need some time... I miss writing kirby stuff but I just can't face my own writing. I cant face myself. And it order to start writing again -- I think that's my problem. I would have to forgive myself for not being perfect. I would have to admit that , like my writing , its okay to love myself/my writing even with the manymanymany .flaws.

I can't. Not right now. Maybe later tho

I didnt have that last revelation before. Not until I wrote everything out. When I was trying to explain all my feelings to someone else , I ended up explaining it to myself. This post was long overdue anyway

Sorry

[writing-for-life]

@violetoftheendless Thank you so much for your thoughts. I’m replying to @tickldpnk8 ‘s post because she already said much of what I also would have said (thanks for that, too).

First of all: I know I can speak only for myself, but you are welcome here, @violetoftheendless I value your posts and your critical thinking. You’re also not spoiling the fun (at least not for me). To me, it’s a bit like what I already wrote in my fanfic post:

It’s not an either/or, it’s very much a both/and. Many of us are probably sitting with the push/pull of wanting the escapism and the beautiful stuff *and* the deep contemplation (which sometimes brings up uncomfortable things). I can obviously only speak for myself, but it wouldn’t surprise me if this were true for many, if not most, meta writers.

How we handle these things, and the engagement with other people (whether they agree or disagree), how we handle pushback etc, can never be anything but individual. Some people are more prone to take criticism personally, others aren’t. That has nothing to do with the fact that the problems we are talking about don’t just affect individuals, but whole groups. Again, it’s complicated and always a both/and.

If I speak for myself: I only have one hard limit, and that is abuse/harassment/bullying. This is partly what sparked this post. And it’s not really about me, because I’m fairly thick-skinned and block liberally, don’t allow anons and don’t engage with these people on a personal level because I prefer to use my energy on those who, while they might not agree with me, are open to discussion and treat other people with respect instead of being part of a screaming mob .

But I still call that behaviour out. I’m not condoning it, neither do I tolerate it. I just decide how I engage with it and let it affect me personally, and hence, in the wider sense, others.

And the reason for that is that in my day job, I’ve seen the harm that social media causes too many times. No discourse, and I say absolutely NO discourse, is worth sacrificing our mental well-being. So when I say we curate our own experience, we can block and filter, that’s part of that circle I draw around myself. I can’t control if people want to slide into my inboxes. I can’t control them, no matter how wrong I think they are. We can’t control others. But I can control how I choose to engage, or if I stop engaging altogether (I took a time off Tumblr and other social media for 3 months this year, and I can only recommend it).

That doesn’t make their actions right. That doesn’t make the overarching problem/s we see in fandom go away. But there’s that saying about putting your own mask on first. If I want to keep on chipping away at what I perceive as problematic in fandom, I need to make sure I am okay first. And if my energy is zapped by squabbling, and my mental well-being starts to suffer, I can’t do that. So once more, that type of “discourse” (I am loathe to even call it that) is where I draw a hard line, and I’m not willing to engage with people who hide behind a fake name and think it’s okay to lash out at others. That’s where I curate my experience, and I will continue to do so.

To (not so) briefly talk about Hob/Dreamling: I came on here last year because the TV show had set my decades long Sandman brain-rot off again, and I needed to give my partner breathing space before I drove him nuts 😂

And when I came on here, my first reaction to Dreamling was: “Huh?”

Honestly, I was confused. Even in the show, I didn’t read them as anything but platonic, but of course that was also down to my 30 year long history with the comics. I could see the slight undertones, but Tom had them with literally everyone, so it honestly did not occur to me that this would be a thing. Or let’s say: Not on this epic scale (m/m ships were always a thing, but this was something else). It felt completely out of proportion to me, considering both screen time and Hob’s general place in the arc. To this very day, I have no interest in Dreamling whatsoever. I don’t ship them and never will. I also don’t care if people do, it’s totally fine by me. What I *do* care about is if people voice their own opinions about it and get dogpiled on. There’s a massive difference between saying “I don’t ship Dreamling, and these are my reasons…” and “People who ship Dreamling are idiots.” But unfortunately, the response to both is often the same, and that’s sad.

I think my very first sort of meta (I didn’t even know this was a thing at the time) was exactly about this confusion with Dreamling. I had like a handful of followers back then, and the engagement with that post was low, but there were a few people who (both openly and via PM) agreed. I didn’t get any negativity at that point, but I got the first PM of a person who joked, “You can’t say that out loud around here.” I really didn’t think much of it at the time, but the longer I stayed, the more I noticed there was more than a grain of truth about it. That “grain” encompassed everything from open hostility to passive-aggressive remarks. Like that everyone who just dares to talk about racism, misogyny, transphobia, what-have-you in fandom is only “virtue-signalling”. And yes, there are certainly things that feel performative, we don’t have to argue about that, but these are not the things we are talking about here. Instead of trying to silence people, there truly *is* the option not to read their stuff if it gets on your nerves. But there is also the (in my view better) option to step back, think and not be reactive, and then to engage when the emotions stopped running so high. The only option that isn’t truly an option is trying to shut people up for their respectfully stated opinions.

It’s part of my job description to understand (or at least try to understand—the mind is a funny thing) why people react the way they react when their worldview, or something they hold dear, is threatened or questioned. So from that angle, I totally get that the only response some people have available is aggression, while the only response available to others is retreat (and both are ingrained patterns that have a lot to do with our life experiences). And I could talk a long time now about the workings of this, and why these dynamics play out the way they do, also in fandom. And I could talk even longer about that I’m not immune to these hardwired responses either.

But if we allow to let them keep on playing out that way without questioning them, we will get to the point that @tickldpnk8 described. And that’d be everyone’s loss. What makes fandom beautiful is diversity, not a big echo chamber.

And I hate how soapboxy this sounds, but I believe in it, and I guess I’m too old to feel embarrassed about voicing it.

So once again, thanks to everyone who has engaged with this post so far.

Nuance in (The Sandman) Fandom

I thought a lot over the past few days, partly prompted by discourse on here, partly due to a couple of “interesting” asks and messages I received (the type you don’t answer). I *think* they might have been prompted by engaging in discourse on topics like anti-blackness/racism, misogyny/sexism, TERF characters etc in The Sandman.

Fandoms are always getting super sensitive if someone shines a critical lens on their favourite works, authors and characters. So to make this clear (in case it isn’t already obvious from my brain-rot blog):

I love The Sandman. I love Neil Gaiman. I have an extremely soft spot for Dream (and Desire btw, who deserves a lot more character analysis than just being summed up as “villainous, sexy bitch”. One day, perhaps ;)).

I can read The Sandman and just get lost in the story, even after decades and many rereads. 

But I can also view it through a critical lens—these things aren’t mutually exclusive.

Not critical enough or too critical?

As fans, we can get trapped in certain thinking patterns, like:

“My blorbo can do no wrong”-syndrome 

“Characters with flaws are inherently problematic and imply authorial endorsement of those actions” 

“Characterisation and problematic subtext are one and the same” (aka overanalysing and looking for problems where there are none is the death of every story, but failing to see problematic patterns where they are clearly visible is a problem, too).

Don't say anything bad about my favourite character

I think this doesn’t need much further exploration. It’s not my personal way of looking at stories through permanently rose-tinted glasses (I always feel it stalls my experience, but my experience is not everyone else's). Some people prefer that type of escapism, and I’m good with that (although the downside is of course that by not willing to engage with issues, we can unwillingly perpetuate them). Live and let live, ship and let sail. But please, for the love of god: Don’t insult people via their inboxes or messages just because their opinions and preferences don’t align with yours. I’m not going to sugarcoat it or phrase it “nicely”: It’s infantile (and a form of bullying btw), end of.

How can you even like a character who's so horrible? And that author must be equally horrible, too

We have to separate flawed characters, even those who are written to be really problematic, from real-life endorsement of these actions. 

Author, narrator and character are three fundamentally different things, and don’t overlap as much as some people seem to think. 

We can write vile, despicable characters to make a point (for me, Thessaly was always a prime example for this, and I explained why here). We probably hate them as we write them. I don’t know what else to say, but this facet of writing seems to get more and more lost on people, and it’s a worry. Crying for sanitised characterisation is one step away from censorship. We explore what is problematic about people and humanity through story. That’s how we process and learn. It’s nothing new, but it becomes impossible if we can’t write flawed and even disgusting characters. 

Face value…

Since I’m mostly in The Sandman fandom, I often read that its ending is hopeless, and that’s supposedly the entire message. 

It is agonisingly sad, yes. But is it truly hopeless? I personally see it as quite the opposite, but of course that’s my opinion, coloured by my life experiences.

I also get that show-only fans often haven’t read the comics, or at least not the whole arc. And as such, their outlook from what they’ve seen so far (and choose to focus on) has to be different by default. I also understand that many people are quite new to the comics, even if they have read them in their entirety. I’ve sat with them for 30 years, and I still find new things on every reread (and I read it more times than anyone should 🙈), and I still don’t feel like I’ve understood it all. Perhaps because I still haven’t fully understood myself (and it’s unlikely I ever will). If there’s one thing The Sandman isn’t, it’s one-dimensional and easy to grasp in its whole depth.

I just wrote a ginormous meta on it, if you’re interested, it’s here:

Subtext, (not so) glorious subtext

This is where it gets complicated:

We shouldn’t mix up characterisation and story subtext. Overanalysing every line to death will always make us find something that’s “problematic”, when it really isn’t in the wider context of the story.

Zooming in is NOT always a good thing. Sometimes, we actually need to zoom out. 

But subtext *can be* (accidentally) problematic. Even in stories we love. And none of this negates what I previously wrote.

Stories have real-life implications of sorts, and we need to be able to talk about it. That’s where those slightly flabbergasting, hostile inbox messages come in, and I want to expand on that "topic of contention" a bit:

Neil himself confirmed that the Endless basically warp reality, and that this is why, after Dream’s failed relationship with Nada, many black women in his vicinity suffer terrible fates (Ruby and Carla in particular). And that this spell is only broken when he dies, and that it is the reason why Gwen doesn’t suffer the same fate. And said Gwen then gets used as a plot device to basically absolve Hob (who canonically really is a problematic character, whether show-only fans like it or not) from his slaver past. Once again, very clearly: No one is making this up. Neil confirmed it (for the comics, and that was over 20 years ago. It remains to be seen if his stance has changed as we move into that arc in the TV show).

I don't think it is correct to imply that Dream as a character is racist (I've read that, too) because he logically can’t be. He holds *all* the collective unconscious. He is also, strictly speaking, not white. He is everything and nothing, and he shows up in many different ethnicities throughout the whole arc, depending on who looks at him. But Neil played with a subtext here (reality warping due to a bad relationship which then affects everyone with similar physical traits) that will read very differently to a black person than it reads to a white person, and we have to understand why that is an *extremely* slippery slope.

Plus, we are supposed to see Hob, who *was* a racist at some point (you can’t not be if you’re a slave-trader—it’s impossible by default) as redeemed. And yes, he *does* regret deeply, good for him (and if I were saying this aloud, you would hear the sarcasm in my voice, because it is indeed all about him. We are to sympathise/empathise with him and his character growth while there isn’t much mention of the people he maltreated). But also: it was a black woman who basically forgave him (with dialogue that personally makes me cringe). And that black woman who offers forgiveness is not truly a black woman—she is a character written by a white man. And as much as author and character are not the same (see above), there is an inherent sensitivity in that power imbalance that we can't brush under the carpet.

I don’t think Neil is racist. Probably quite the opposite, and I can even see that his intentions were good from a storytelling point of view. BUT intention and impact are two fundamentally different things, and telling the story this way (comic version) betrays blindspots only white people have. Just like women have blindspots when they tell stories about men, and men have blindspots when they tell stories about women (and there are a few of those in The Sandman, too). And and and…

As storytellers, we can’t always speak from lived experience. It’s impossible. And that also means we occasionally make mistakes that look bad in hindsight, even if our intentions were good.

I guess the proof is in the pudding: What do we do when people who *have* that lived experience tell us it looks bad? If they inform us why it is hurtful, plays into old stereotypes etc?

Are we willing to listen and yield (both are the foundations of allyship btw), or are we insisting that our viewpoint as someone *without* lived experience is right? That lived experience extends to all lived experiences (sex/gender, sexual orientation, age...), and from all we’ve heard from Neil so far, it seems important to him to rewrite what he sees differently today. Whether they’ll always get it right for the show—we’ll see. At the moment, it looks a lot better than in the comics, and certain issues are already being handled with a lot more sensitivity, but a few problems remain.

Pushing back on criticism that comes from people with lived experience is problematic—I’d encourage us to think about what it looks like if a white majority in the fandom is basically saying that the opinions of POC are essentially “overreactions” (and yes, that happened).

It’s complicated. The Sandman was written in a different time, and I think we have to distinguish between things that weren’t really problematic at the time but have aged poorly (again, Thessaly springs to mind, and I have lived experience as a queer person during that time, so I can see it in context while at the same time acknowledging that I would make changes to bring it to the present day), and things that were always a problem due to blindspots. They were a problem in 1990, and if they don’t get changed, they are still a problem today.

This fandom is generally so much more open and nicer than others I know. But that doesn’t mean it’s infallible, because it’s full of humans. 

Nuance is sorely needed, in both story interpretation and interaction between said humans.

(tagging @violetoftheendless )

[wellthebardsdead]

Gateway {Jesse Mccree x Fem Gamer Reader}

I think this’ll be the last one in the series, I had requests for a few other characters but my inbox is loaded with prompts for them plus I’ve run out of ideas beyond this last one lol, and Jesse is too much fun to write for! So enjoy! ~Bambi

Edit: this was written before the name change and I don't have the time to go through and edit it.

The fluorescent lighting flickered over the toilet cubicle as you sobbed... Your boyfriend of 5 years had rang you and told you he’d be working late again, you didn’t mind, he’d been doing it a lot lately... you thought he was saving up to propose to you.

You were a professional Overwatch gamer, YouTuber and twitch steamer, and a famous one at that. You shared a beautiful apartment with your boyfriend, and while he went to work at his day job you stayed home and streamed, It sounded perfect, but it was anything but.

He frequently complained you earning more than him felt emasculating. He often said it was unfair you got to make more than him by just sitting on your ass all day, even going so far as to say you only made money because your fans were all thirsty men... He didn’t care about the tedious editing, or about the mental and physical toll it was taking on you. He didn’t care that while he got to go to bed you had to stay up and keep working when all you wanted was to rest, he didn’t appreciate you...

However his attitude to your career would do a full 180° whenever it came to you getting him something... a new watch, a new laptop, even a brand new car... Not a single complaint was heard...

Youd done so much for him, and now that he’d begun staying at work late you foolishly thought that maybe, just maybe... he was going to do something for you and propose...

You wanted to surprise him at work and thank him for his efforts... you put on an elegant but cute slip dress, some nice heels, and slipped out into the night...

After a short taxi ride you rushed up to your boyfriends office... and you regretted it immediately... He was there.., with some young woman on his desk, an engagement ring on her finger... and one on his too... He’d used you...

And now here you were, in a public toilet crying your eyes out... Youd been in here for hours now... After composing yourself you grabbed a wad of the thin toilet paper and dried your tears... You walked out of the cubicle and headed home...

...

That was 3 weeks ago now...

“Oh my god what part of get your ass over here don’t you understand?!” You shouted through the headset as you threw down a biotic field. The reaper player on your team had been pissing everyone off complaining they needed heals but wouldn’t come to the healer, and now they wouldn’t even come to the field youd laid down. “Bleeeegh I’m a salty girl gamer whose not getting her w- WHAT THE FUCK?!” The reaper main shouted into his mike as he was wiped out by the enemies d.va.

You burst out laughing watching him get eliminated. “Yeah I’m not ressing you.” The mercy main on your team cackled as she tauntingly flew over the reaper mains body. You muted him as he began to bitch and rant. Toxic players were to be expected, but at least you’d had a rather nice team tonight apart from him.

A tired sigh escaped your lips as you sipped at your whisky and hugged your blanket tight as the game ended in a victory for your team. It was a very special blanket, well... serape... it was an exact replica of your main... Mccree.

“Is it alright if I go Jesse? After that round I don’t think I can handle playing soldier if that dick is gonna be on our team again.” You ask as you selected your favourite cowboy. “Sure!!” Most of the team chant in unison. You could see the reaper main slamming you in chat... “how in the flying fuck will it go against the Meta?” You scowl. “Suck on my peacekeeper ya dick I’m not changing!” You say as you waited for the rest of your team to select.

You smile hearing the familiar chime of the sub emote go off. You glance at your second screen where the twitch stream was going strong with heart felt comments asking how you were doing, you shared everything with your followers, to an extent at least. You told them you’d been going through a bad breakup and you might not be as chipper as usual. They were all sympathetic while others were genuinely worried for you...

For the past weeks your health had declined drastically. Youd occasionally drink during your drunk overwatch games with friends but now it was all the time. You used to stream cooking a healthy meal before games and now you just ate pizza or frozen ready meals... and you were starting to look very unwell...

Your apartment was practically empty now, he’d taken most of the furniture, now all that was left was your stuff. But just because it was almost empty didn’t mean it was clean... In your grief, a mountain of chores stacked up. Laundry sat unwashed and others unfolded, left over Chinese sat rotting in the fridge, and the kitchen was littered with empty pizza boxes and whisky bottles... You needed help... but you were too hurt and too scared to admit it.

You were depressed, and you were lonely... at least the streams gave you some company. “Thank you guys for the subs..., yeah I’m fine.. I’m.. fine...” you sigh as the game started up. You weren’t fine...

What started out as what should have been a clean sweep turned into an all out skirmish when that fucking reaper main decided to swoop in and fuck everything up... you felt sweat forming on your brow as you waited for the opportunity to unleash your ult... you were running low on health, your Mercy was struggling to keep up, and that fucking asshole took the med pack he didn’t even need.

“Fuck it...” you mumble releasing your ult at the perfect time, the enemy Reinhardt wiped out the reaper and ran right into line of fire... “it’s hiiigh noon...” Mccrees deep voice echoed through the speakers as you unintentionally wiped out the enemies only tank. You and the rest of your team were laughing so hard you almost didn’t hear it...

“Teleporter online... I have opened the path...”

“Hold on whose playing Symmetra?” The Tracer main on your team asked. “I am but I haven’t opened a Teleporter... is there another Symmetra on the enemy team?...” a young man sounded over the voice chat. “No there’s no sym-... look out?...” you mumble as you glanced at your stream. It was going mental, subs pouring in by the second, and comments flooding in, all screaming for you to-

You were struck hard on the back of the head by something blunt and metal before something heavy slammed into you sending you tumbling from your chair.

You hit the ground hard, the room was spinning, and you could hear gun fire but it wasn’t from the game. You looked at the wall adjacent to your desk to see a giant portal... and moving towards it... Gabriel Reyes... reaper...

A pained grunt sounded beside you, you heard the click of a revolver... “Sorry jefe... it’s high noon...” An ungodly loud bang sounded leaving only a ringing in your ears as a string of bullets flew through the portal striking reaper before the gateway closed...

Your vision tunneled as the pain in your head overwhelmed you... “oh.. Oh Fuck me... what have I done?...” that voice.. you’d know it anywhere... You looked up in time to catch a glimpse of a very familiar red serape and a gloved hand reaching towards you... “Jesse?...” you mumble before you blacked out.

Mccree recoiled hearing you say his name... how did you know him?... he looked you up and down before his eyes rested on the blanket... It wasn’t exactly a comon print... it looked identical to his minus all the wear and tear his had sustained. “What in the Sam hell...” he mumbled.

He blinked hearing people talking... it was coming from your headphones.. he followed the cable up before rising to his feet with a pained grunt in time to see your POTG proudly playing on one of the screens. He froze seeing himself... He turned his attention to the twitch stream seeing subs pouring in and comments all directed at him... he reached out and turned the computer off.

The room went dark, the only light was that of the AC unit displaying the temperature, and the LED’s on his chest plate. It was enough for him to safely scoop you up and carry you out.

After opening a few doors he sighed with relief as he found your bedroom, your bed was huge, plush, lonely... he lay you down and quietly inspected your wound, you had a lump but it wasn’t anything serious. He’d need something cold for it though.

He took a moment to admire you, the cowboy couldnt help but stop and stare at things he found beautiful... and you were one such thing. You groaned and he caught a whiff of a very strong whisky on your breath. He whistled and staggered back a little, “yikes... aw... someone’s had a rough night...” he mumbled with an understanding smile.

After taking a moment to tuck you in and pat your hair he walked out to the kitchen to find something cold for that bump. He immediately froze seeing the state of your apartment... It was a sight he sadly recognised all too well, he’d been in the same situation many times...

He took off his hat leaving it on the dining table next to a pile of torn up photos of you and your now ex boyfriend... -poor Darlin... no wonder she’s hurtin...- he thought as he began to rummage through the fridge, he highly doubted you’d be pleased with some rotten chicken noodle soup on your head, and the alarming amount of energy drinks while cold wouldn’t be very comfortable for you to lay on.

The freezer didn’t prove much better either, he sighed only finding frozen ready meals... And a half empty bag of frozen peas. Bingo!

He was out of luck looking for a clean dish towel to wrap it in, so he removed his serape and wrapped it in that instead, it’d be comfier too... he walked back to your room and gently tucked it under your head so the bump was nestled comfortably in the now very cool fabric. He carefully tucked the rest around your neck to keep you snug.

Now that that was taken care of he took another moment to observe you. Judging by what he’d found it was clear you weren’t looking after yourself. He carefully felt your arms, then your ribs being mindful of where he put his hands, you were rather thin, not sickly but enough to warrent concern, and the paled tone of your skin definitely wasn’t from the concussion he’d unintentionally inflicted upon you either.

Jesses downfall would always be his kind heart, it’s what got him caught during his deadlock days, what drove him to leave blackwatch, and now... it’s what was fueling his desire to look after you... He’d decided, he was going to take care of you.

He suspected it’d be a while before youd wake. The alcohol would probably keep you asleep for a while judging by how much you drank. For a moment he looked at the plush bedding and considered just flopping onto it and going to sleep but... he couldn’t just leave you unsupervised... so he got to work cleaning your apartment.

Mccree was by no means a fussy man, if it were his room on base or his ranch he wouldn’t mind a little mess but this was beyond just a small mess now. Plus... he wanted it to be nice for you...

He did the laundry and folded it, even going through the effort of folding a fitted sheet and saying the F word about a hundred and twenty seven times throughout the process. After that he did the dishes, and even fixed a leaky tap.

He’d just taken the trash out and was enjoying a smoke as the sun began to rise when he heard a familiar voice crackle to life over his com. “Mc-... Mcc-..Ree... jesse you there?”

Jesse spat out his cigar and fumbled to click on the mike, “s Sombra?! Is that really you? Oh thank God..,” he sighed with relief. He could hear people in the background cheering, he could make out Reinhardt and Genji specifically screaming with joy that they’d gotten contact with him, he felt so glad knowing they were alright. “Did everyone make it okay?...” he asks as he stubbed out the smoke with his boot.

“Yeah, everyone except you pendejo! What happened?!” She shouted. “Gabe had me cornered and then one of Symmetras portal thingys malfunctioned... I haven’t got a dang clue where I am but...” he paused. “But what?” Sombra asks. “But... I think I’m a videogame character here... so are you.., come to think of it I think almost half of us were on that screen but.. it looked like one of those battle royal things Genji and Hana play all the time.” He says rubbing the back of his head.

Sombra was quiet for a moment, “Well... I suppose I’ve seen crazier things. There’s thousands of parallel universes, so I’m not that surprised... are you okay though? You sound... upset...” she says worried. “I’m okay... I... dun goofed upon Landin here... I might have knocked out a civilian when I tumbled into her home.” He says embarrassed.

“HOW DID YOU EVEN MANAGE THAT?!” She screamed. “It was an accident! I was too focused on not getting shot!! I didn’t even see the fuckin portal behind me when I fell through and knocked the poor darlin out!!” He sighed. “If it makes ya feel better though it’s just a bump... I got it covered, she’ll be alright...” he says as he turned to head back inside.

She sighed and rubbed her forehead before putting a lock on the location his signal was coming from. “I suppose that’s okay. Winston and 76 are going to flip though.” She says annoyed. “Let em. You and I both know I’m pretty much the one funding overwatch right now.” He says as he stepped back into your apartment and closed the door. “You mean, mr Joel Morricone is~” she teased.

He couldn’t help but snicker, “who knew that dumb alias would haunt me beyond a botched blackwatch mission.” He chuckled, “oh... speakin of funds... don’t suppose you can find out if my cards will work here?...” he asks.

She went silent again and tapped away at her screen, “mhm, should be all good to go... I don’t know how long you’ll be stuck there, Winston and Mei are working it out, I’ll let em know it was something to do with vishkar portal thingy.” She says jotting down notes.

“Thank ya Olivia... I owe you a drink when I get back.” Jesse smiled sounding so happy to just hear a familiar voice. “Don’t mention it... just keep your nose clean and stay outta trouble Kay?... good luck Eastwood... Sombra out.” She says tapping off her com... Mccree smiled and tapped his off too...

He picked up his hat and your apartment keys before making sure he had his wallet. All set...

He knew it was risky leaving you on your own, but he spotted a cafe down the road from your apartment complex... he was there and back within a few minutes. Just in time to hear you stirring...

...

You opened your eyes and immediately sat up to run to the bathroom to vomit... but as soon as you moved your head the world flipped upside down. You brought your guts up then and there right into... a bin liner?... “shhh easy now darlin... let it out.” That voice... Mccree... you remembered last night...

Despite everything spinning you could make out a metal hand and a gloved one holding the bag open for you... there was no way the metal one was fake either given you could see the pistons and joins moving beneath the metal plating... you didn’t have much time to think about it as you hurled up another gut full of greesy pizza, energy drinks, and alcohol...

By the time you were done you were in tears sobbing over the bag... you whimpered as a bottle of water was held to your lips, “shhh you’re alright, take a sip and spit it out...” Mccree whispered as he patted your hair coaxing you to open your mouth.

You rinsed and after he took the bag away he lay you back down and helped you drink the rest of the water. It felt nice and cool on your throat... he was surprised at how calm you were seeing him, though in reality you were in complete shock... “alright now darli-...” he paused as you adorably took his cybernetic hand and observed it curiously... he smiled and gently squeezed your hand with it, “I... take it you know who I am?...” he asks.

You look up at him curiously... you’d know those brown eyes anywhere but... you never expected them to be so beautiful in person... “here... maybe this’ll prove I’m real.” He says suddenly hitting the pressure lock on his arm. It immediately went dead and released its grip on you. He slid it off showing you what was left of his limb.

Your breath hitched in your throat seeing the scarred flesh, among it the remnants of a deadlock tattoo... he went to put his arm back on before his whole body tensed up as you placed your hands on the stump wanting to feel it... you smiled and gently stroked your thumbs over the scars... he relaxed...

After a moment you let go and he clipped it back into place allowing a moment for the device to register his brain signals again. “Jesse?...” you whisper. Immediately his reaction gave away genuine surprise once more. This was him.., this was your Mccree...

“Yeah darlin... that’s me.” He crooned. “ can I ask your name sweetpea?...” he asks softly. Your heart fluttered at his sweet words, you’d heard his voice so often and yet hearing him say words beyond his in game voice lines made you melt. “Y/N... I I’m y/n.” You mumble out, unable to manage more words than that in your current state.

He nods, “Pretty name.” He smiled. “Do you remember what happened last night?” He whispers. You pause and think. You remembered the stream going mental, that toxic reaper main... reaper himself, you remembered getting hit in the back of the head and falling onto the ground... you remberred jesses voice calling for his deadeye... then his serape...

You blinked as he suddenly lifted said garment out from under your head. “Darn, damned things defrosted...” he sighed. “It’s still cold enough though, I’ll have to get an ice pack for you... do you think you’ll be alright on your own for a bit darlin?...” he says showing genuine concern.

You nod cutely up at him before your stomach growled. “...” you blush and look down embarrassed.

He chuckled, his laugh made your heart swell. “I got you some breakfast. Don’t know if that cafe down the road is any good but it looks nice. I’ll go grab it for ya. Sit tight.” He says patting your arm before walking out. You watched him leave before checking your phone... you saw millions of notifications but compldgely ignored them only focused on the time... you were late for your first stream.

As he reached the kitchen and pulled your food from the bag he froze hearing movement from your room... he walked back up there and panicked to see Youd up and disappeared. “Y/n?!” He says praying you’d just gone to the bathroom. He stopped in his tracks hearing the computer start up... “the fuck is she doin?...” he frowned.

He peered into your gaming studio to see you wrapped in your duvet lifting your chair off the floor and climbing into it to start your morning stream. You had his serape wrapped around yourself as well and you lay yours on your lap. You’d no sooner logged onto the computer when you were lifted up into jesses strong arms. “What in the heck do you think you’re doin missy?” He scolds.

You immediately felt so small in his embrace... “I I gotta work, I’ve never missed a stream, and I need to edit last nights... Last... oh god... everyone would have seen what happened!!” You blurt out. You adorably began to wiggle and try to get free of his grasp but Jesse wasn’t having any of it. “Y/N.” He says sternly, he sounded so in charge when he raised his voice... it was hot... “You have a concussion. You’re gonna go back to bed, eat your breakfast, and get some more rest. Am I clear or do I have to install a lock on this door for today?” He says as he carried you back to your room.

He wasn’t giving you a choice in the matter. “N no sir...” you mumble into the blanket as he lay you down. “Now stay put.” He says walking out. He returned a moment later with your food relieved to find you’d behaved and stayed snuggled into the blankets. After taking a moment to admire how adorable of a sight you were he handed you the food including a glass of water and some pain killers.

“I’ll try not to be gone long, please try to rest alright?” He asks as he put his hat back on. You nod and continue eating your food, after emptying your guts it was a miracle you were so hungry so quickly. “I-I will... I promise...” you say looking up at him... you had such sad eyes... he wanted to see them shine with happiness, and he planned on doing anything and everything he could to do that. “Alright darlin, Ill be back soon.” He says patting your hair.

After making sure you were comfy and had everything you’d need he left and headed to the store.

...

He’d arrived back an hour later to find you in the kitchen snuggled in his serape waiting for the microwave. “Y/N....” he frowned. You jumped and tried to hide behind the counter as if that’d do anything... you were more than a bit lethargic now, the pain killers he’d given you were very strong... you might as well be drunk right now.

He chuckled a little and set the food down walking behind the counter to find you hiding under the serape. -god damn it she’s got no right bein that cute!- he thought before lifting you up. Immediately you began to wiggle to try and escape. “N-nu... nu!” You whine. “Shh calm down, are ya hungry? Wasn’t breakfast enough darlin? That’s okay I got something for you to eat.” He smiled.

Immediately you held still, “food... microwave...” you mumbled. He looked at it to see the ready meal spinning around slowly. “What? That? Nah I got you something much nicer.” He says placing you at the dining table. You watched him mull about the kitchen whistling away as he did so, after a moment he sat down a pasta salad with grilled chicken and steamed veggies. It smelt so good... you immediately tucked in but in your lethargic state you were struggling.

He watched you begin to grow distressed at not being able to eat properly, -...so cute... too cute...- he thought before taking the fork from you and feeding you. He fed you little mouthfuls at a time and eventually you were finally done, with a full stomach and the pain killers doing their job you looked so sleepy.

After grabbing an ice pack he scooped you up and took you back to bed... he tried laying you down and encountered a problem, your clingy mode had been activated... he chuckled and lay down with you seeing as that’s clearly what it’d take to get you to rest. After a bit of adjusting and placing the ice pack down he sighed resting his head on the pillow... he fought off sleep until you dozed off, then immediately he followed you right to dreamland.

...

It was around 2 when he’d woken up. He couldn’t help but chuckle seeing youd up and vanished again. He slid out of the bed and as soon as he stepped into the hall he knew where to go, he followed the sounds right to your gaming studio. You were dressed in a shirt and a pair of shorts, your hair and makeup done, you seemed to have a lot more pep to you as you played. “Yes! Great job on that res mercy! You’re my angel!” You cheer before looking at the twitch chat, “yes I’m fine you guys it was just me and a friend messing around with some editing.” You say referring to their questions about last night.

You nearly leapt out of your skin as Mccree suddenly hugged you from behind, leaning on the chair, “what happened to stayin in bed?” He says softly. Immediately the chat went wild upon seeing the cowboy again. ‘Omg he even sounds like the real thing!’ One typed. ‘Just a friend huh? *winky face*’ another wrote. ‘Is he your new boyfriend?! Are you gonna start cosplaying too???!’ Another asked.

Mccree chuckled as you flew out of your chair and adorably tried to push him out. “Y-you can’t be in here while I’m streaming!!” You squeak.

He didn’t budge despite your best efforts, instead he lifted you up and sat in the chair before placing you in his lap, “hey now I wanna watch too~” he says holding you around the waist. The stream was swooning over him and you could hear the people on voice chat in game screeching thinking it was the voice actor. “O oh gosh!” You cover your face flustered. “Hey now look alive your in!” Mccree says tapping your side as the game started.

You fumbled with the controls and almost released your ult as your team bolted out of the gate. You could hardly focus as Mccree shifted you in his lap so you were seated more comfortably, you’d definitely had a dream like this more than once.

Jesse smiled loving how flustered he’d made you, he watched the game intently seemingly very curious. He observed every character, every voice line, every move... it was like he was watching them in a training simulation... they all looked and sounded just like the people he knew as his friends, family, and enemies... His ears perked up as you released his ult... he couldn’t help but laugh a little.

It was a miracle your team won in the end. You were all over the place and weren’t surprised to see the tank got play of the game instead of you.

You sighed and leaned back forgetting for a moment he was there until his arms slid around your waist again. “Done?” He asked resting his chin on your shoulder. Your face was bright red as you looked at the chat. ‘KISS HIM YOU FOOL!!’ One wrote.

“Y yeah I think I’m done streaming for today sorry guys I’ll see you all later! I’ll have a new video up shortly!” You say turning off the stream. You logged out of overwatch and opened up your video editing software but as you went to transfer the footage Jesse lifted you up and carried you out. “Nope, no more work today.” He whistled. “B-but!” You tried to protest but his firm hand on your but changed your tune very quickly, “if you’re well enough to work you’re well enough to come for a walk, you need to see sunlight ya blanket gremlin.” He chuckled.

He sat you down at the dining table and knelt down putting your shoes for you, he couldn’t resist sliding his hand up your leg a little, you let out such a soft gasp... This was a literal dream come true for you... your main Mccree who’d you’d fallen in love with as a character, was real, and he was right here in front of you treating you better than your ex ever did... Even still you couldn’t tell if he was just naturally flirtatious or if he was... actually interested in you...

You jumped a little as he helped you to your feet and pulled you close. “Ready?” He smiled. You blush and nod, “y yes but... what if I get dizzy or tired?...” you mumble. “I nearly fainted getting out of bed earlier... i it’s not because I woke up and saw you either!” You blurt out. He couldn’t help but laugh. “Don’t worry, you start to feel funny just lemme know Kay?” He crooned.

His voice sounded like honey to your ears, you nod and smile sheepishly, “okay l let’s go then..” you say taking his hand in yours... Maybe a day off wouldn’t hurt...

He nodded and led you from your apartment...

What started as just a nice afternoon walk turned into dinner at a night market at the park, you two ate, played some festival like games, and settled comfortably on his serape under a tree watching live performances, he saw the sparkle return to your eyes... he’d do anything to keep it there too... He was about to open his drink when you whimpered holding your head.

You’d leaned against the tree forgetting about the lump, “Aw darlin come here...” he suddenly lifted you into his lap and leaned against the bark letting you lay on his chest. “Better?” He asks as he placed his drink onto your head, it was cold and made you shiver but it felt nice.

You nod and sigh contently resting your head against his chest. “Yes...Thank you...” you whisper. “Is everything alright y/n?...” he says softly. “...” you didn’t know how to reply... A soft gasp escaped your lips as he turned your head to face him, “y/n?...” he asks worried.

“... are you just... taking pity on me?... or...” you tried to look away but he wouldn’t allow it... he leaned down a little and kissed your hair, “that answer your question?... I think you’re cute alright. And when I saw the state you were livin in I could relate to it all too well... nobody deserves to be that miserable, especially not someone as hard working and sweet as you.” He smiled. “So please... lemme look after you... and stop sneaking out of bed when I tell ya to rest.” He chuckled. “I wanna make you happy y/n... will ya let me do that?...” he asks

Your face was bright red... he’d essentially confessed he wanted to be yours... you decided to test the waters... you leaned forward and pressed your lips to his. He smiled and gladly returned the gesture, he set the drink down and his strong hands found their way to your waist pulling you closer letting him get a better hold of your tongue and a much deeper taste of you...

The next thing you knew you were home, jesses lips still pecking at yours. He pinned you against a wall, his strong hands on your butt holding you up and you him with your legs around his waist. You tugged on his belt buckle and he pulled back from the kiss. “Woah there babydoll... you’re still unwell, and I wouldn’t feel right takin you for a ride when you’re not 100%...” he whispered.

You were at a loss for words, your ex would have never of been so considerate. You nod sheepishly. He smiled and gave you a gentle peck on the cheek, “hey... don’t look so down... you wanna have a shower?” He whispered. “Can I have one... W-with you?...” you blushed. He was a little taken aback by the request but grinned and nodded, “well I ain’t ever been one to disappoint a lady, sure darlin, you’re lookin a bit wobbly too.” He crooned as he carried you to the bathroom.

He sat you on the vanity and got to work undressing himself for you, wanting to save the pleasure of unwrapping you for later. You were surprised at how much armour he had on, even under his shirt he had a thin bullet proof vest. A final measure incase his chest plate failed. Once it was off though you covered your eyes feeling very bashful.

“Hey... no need to be shy babydoll... you’re allowed to look...” you jumped as his hands grasped your wrists pulling your hands from your face... you timidly looked up at him then down at his torso... he was only in his trousers and chaps now.

His body was strong, stocky, muscular but with a little pudge in places. While he was no body builder it was clear he looked after himself more than enough to survive on the battlefield. His tanned skin was scarred in several places, cuts, bullet holes, and much to your horror, cigarette burns where someone had obviously put them out, uneven marks that could only be associated with torture... then there was of course, his arm...

You placed your hand on the cybernetic, “is... it waterproof?...” you ask. He tilted his head a little, “not this model no. Don’t worry I’ve gotten good at bathing without it.” He smiled. You blush, “n no.., I’m here now... I’ll help you bathe...” you say going to take it off. He tugged away but not in a way that said he was upset, he just wasn’t ready yet.

“Hold up darlin.” He chuckled, “I ain’t finished yet.” He said as he gently grabbed your shirt. “Arms up.” He crooned. “J-Jesse...” you gasp, you felt so nervous over this... why?... you tried to rip his clothes off moments ago... maybe you just weren’t used to someone being so intimate with you in a non sexual way. Despite the fact that Jesse was sliding your clothes off you, he clearly had no intent of having his way with you, at least not yet... he cared about you and what you needed...

You obeyed and raised your arms up letting him slide your shirt off. Then your shorts, he took his time removing your underwear and bra letting you shyly hide your breasts by hugging against him, but eventually he stood back to admire the view. “Beautiful...” he whispered feeling utterly breathless looking at you. You were still thin, and unwell, but that’s okay, he still thought you were gorgeous... a fragile little rose who just needed someone to pluck away the wilted petals and give you the love and care you deserve...

“Jesse...” you whispered trying your hardest to resist the urge to cover yourself. You were trembling with excitement and nervousness. “Shh okay darlin come’re.” He smiled lifting you up. He undid his belt and in one clean motion his trousers slid down his hips from the weight of the ammo on his belt. He clicked off his cybernetic arm leaving it on the vanity before hopping into the shower with you.

It was intimate, sweet, and fluffy... he helped you bathed with surprisingly little issue with just one arm. And you in turn helped him, you washed his hair, helped him bathe the parts he couldn’t reach with his arm and lack there of, and you both spent an additional 30 minutes just cuddling and talking under the hot water...

After drying off and applying a little of your moisturiser to his stump to sooth the irritation the pressure locks caused, you both changed the bedding to fresh sheets and snuggled up together, “how you feelin darlin?...” he yawned holding you close against his bare chest, “better, mmmmuch better.” You yawned in response. “Think you might take tomorrow off again?...” he asks as he smelt your hair, loving the apple and strawberry scent. You nod and smile, “only if we can go for another walk together?...” you whisper.

He hummed and smiled, “absolutely baby, I like the sound of that.” He whispers. You gently kiss his chin giggling a little as his beard tickled your nose. “Thank you Jesse...” you whisper. He leaned down and kissed your lips, “don’t mention it sweetheart..,” he whispers as he began to doze off. You yawned again and snuggled into his chest joining him on the sleepy trail to dream land.

...

A week had passed by, you were looking and feeling much better, Jesses love and care had put a spring back into your step. You cut back your streams to once a day, now all you wanted to do was spend time with Mccree. And the giant puppy of a man wanted just the same with you. He’d join you during streams and even played himself, he was surprisingly very good and each time fans would shriek thinking he was the ‘voice actor’.

Each day would conclude with a nice walk through the park followed by a dinner you’d cook together, you’d listen to music and dance without a care in the world. When Mccree started singing along to ‘Your Man’ while he twirled you around you got so flustered you went into a full on giggle fit squealing like a school girl. And after all that came a shower cuddle session, then bedtime snuggles.

It was bliss... you’d never felt more happy in your life. So when Mccree asked you to come home with him through the gateway... you gladly said yes...

It was around 7am when Jesse woke... somebody was banging on the front door... you were still fast asleep... he smiled carefully putting your noise cancelling headphones on you before giving your lips a soft kiss and creeping from bed.

After pulling on a pair of sweats and attaching his arm he walked to the front door and peered through the peephole... It was too early in the morning for his blood to be boiling like this... your ex stood outside... jesse recognised him from the torn up photos... he was outside, holding a bunch of flowers, he looked like he’d spent last night in a dumpster...

And he had... The woman you’d seen him with was completely unaware he’d cheated on her with you... and when he suddenly brought home a bunch of furniture and clothes she got suspicious and checked his phone... when she found out he’d been lying to not only her but you and a whole bunch of other girls too she threw him out on his ass. And now here he was, crawling back to you hoping to take advantage of your kindness again...

He banged on the door again, harder and louder this time, “Y/N OPEN UP!! PLEASE BABY IM SORRY!!” He shouted. As he went to knock again Jesse suddenly opened the door keeping his cybernetic arm hidden behind the doorframe. “Who the hell are y-” your ex tried to speak but Jesse cut him off, “No thanks we don’t want no girl scout cookies.” He said slamming the door in his face hoping he’d leave after seeing you weren’t alone here.

No such luck, he began to knock again, “hey! Open up you asshole!! Who the hell are you?!” He shrieked. Jesse ignored him and brewed a pot of coffee to keep warm expecting you to be up in an hour anyway, as he poured himself a cup the knocking stopped, then he heard your phone ringing from down the hall...

He scowled... this ends now... He walked back to the door and opened it sipping at his coffee. “Howdy, ain’t it a looovely mornin?” He smirked. Your ex glared up at Mccree, he was a little shorter than the cowboy, “look here punk I don’t know who the fuck you are but what the hell are you doing in my girls apartment?” He growled.

Jesse took another sip of his coffee and raised his brow, “your girl?” He laughed. “Y/N’s MY girl.” He says with a cocky grin, “ain’t your girl the poor sweetheart you cheated on with Y/N? Or is it the other way around? Kind of both ain’t it. You used both of the-” Jesse was cut off by your delicate voice behind him.

“Jesse?...” you yawned. You were dressed in one of the flannels he’d bought the second day into his stay, it looked like a dress on you, you stood there rubbing your eyes tiredly. “Y/N baby what the hell?! How could you just move on so fast?!” Your ex shouted taking a step forward.

Blackwatch mode activated... Mccree pushed him back and growled, “I suggest you stay right the fuck away from her before I make you...” he snarled growing more and more hostile... “or you’ll what huh?” Your ex says chesting up to him, “You think I’m scared of a man who sounds like one of the Beverly hillbillies?!” He spat at jesses feet...

“Last... warning...” jesse says coldly. “Good because this is my only warning!” Your ex says swinging a punch hitting Mccree in the jaw... he didn’t even flinch... instead he laughed, before smashing the empty coffee mug over his head and punching him across the face with his cybernetic hand. Your ex literally spun in circles before hitting the ground hard...

“Grab me a dust pan baby I’ll sweep up the shards,” he says his voice changing back to its soft and gentle drawl the moment he addressed you. You whimpered ignoring his request, instead you rushed to him and hugged him tightly before placing your hand on his cheek scared he was hurt. “Shhh oh sweetheart did I frighten you? I’m sorry... it’s okay, I’m alright..,” he smiled adoringly at you.

You shook your head and sniffled, still half asleep but filled with worry. “He hit y you he hit y you-” you hiccuped out as you began to cry. “Hey shhh I’m alright darlin, why don’t you have a cup of coffee, I clean up this mess and then we can make breakfast together and eat it in bed? How does that sound?” He smiled as he dried your tears. You nod and hug him again, “okay I I-”

“Teleporter online... I have opened the path...”

Your eyes went wide and Jesse held you tight as a portal opened in the outside hallway... it’s a good thing nobody else lived on this floor... An elegantly dressed woman stepped out, you recognised her immediately... Symmetra, “I’m looking for Jes-... oh my...” she says as she stepped on your ex. She looked up seeing Mccree holding you, both of you hardly dressed. “I’m terribly sorry I’ll come back when you’re dec-” she was cut off as another familiar face stepped out, Genji.

“Jess-.... wow you hound dog! You’ve only been here a week!” He laughed. You blushed and hid behind Jesse, “w-we haven’t had sex yet!!” You blurt out. Jesse threw his head back and laughed...

...

After kicking your ex out of the way you met and helped several other agents pack up your belongings. D.Va was so excited to hear you were a streamer and was adamant on getting you set up with a channel, and some new equipment, she referred to your set up as primitive compared to the tech they had.

Ana immediately fussed over you being too thin and insisted on cooking you breakfast. Reinhardt and roadhog moved the heavier stuff and Sombra even transferred all your funds into jesses account so after she was done creating an ID and citizen profile for you you could set up and transfer it into your own bank.

You were all set... Jesse smiled at you and held your hand as he put on his hat, “ready partner?” He says softly. You nod and wrap your serape around your shoulders before fixing his. “Ready when you are, cowboy.” You giggle. He leaned in and gave you a kiss before you both walked through the portal... once everyone was through, Symmetra closed it officially leaving your old life behind...

Your ex was still unconscious in the hall.., when he woke he found an empty apartment... but in the doorway he saw the torn up photos of you and him with a note that simply read, ‘So long, from the pale rider...’

[esther-dot]

I kind of want to feel bad for targ stans and how the finale made them feel...but then I remember how vicious they were (and continue to be) against Sansa fans, Elia fans, Aegon is real fans, etc.

Did the heroic music in her scenes duped them? Did they miss the H*tler cam shots during her “badass” moments? Booh, booh, let me get the smallest violin 🎻 out.

Honestly, tons of bloggers in this hell site, Kelsey and others on Quora said for years she was headed this way...and they wouldn’t listen. They mocked everyone, specially Jonsas, and when the last episode came instead of being ashamed of their ignorance and inability to read the clues in the story they doubled down on it and attacked Stark fans, Dorne fans, and everyone else viciously. They harrased the actors irl (specially Kit and Sophie) for something a fictional character had done and signed a petition asking for a reshoot. 🤡

Now they have all these “hot takes” where they find Martin’s writing to be subpar and r*cist and misogynistic but if their fav had won they would be praising him to the skies.

Sorry, but I thank D&D for fooling them and exposing them as the tyranny apologists that they are. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I still remember one of their “theories” was Sansa would die a horrible death at the hands of her own sister and that’s why I reserve my sympathy for the side of the fandom that was actually paying attention to the narrative and minding their own business.

The North is free. Ding dong the witch is dead.

(about my tags on this reblog)

The North is free. Ding dong the witch is dead.

lmaoooooo. I do like that! I didn’t mean to say let’s forget everything what happens/happened in the fandom because yes, the Dany stans were awful. Kelsey wasn’t into shipping and she made very good arguments for Dark Dany for years and suffered horrible abuse. She finally spoke out after s8 and said that Targ stans were far and away the worst part of the fandom and had sent all kinds of threats to her and she had to delete all personal accounts because of doxing fears etc. And I know Sansa fans and Jonsas have received the same kind of treatment. It’s appalling and no one should ever harass people online, let alone send rape and death threats which at one point were routine in this fandom. So I certainly don’t want to minimize that, and I’m not suggesting we pretend that didn’t/doesn’t happen. I have hate sitting in my inbox right now even though I have hundreds of accounts blocked. They’re relentless. That part of the fandom is beyond the pale.

I simply meant, I was blindsided by what D&D did to a favorite character too.

I grieve too.

So, I do not understand or condone their behavior, but I do understand their feelings regarding the finale. Bewilderment, disgust...I felt it for totally different reasons, but I did feel that way too. I understand the rage, and reading posts by nontoxic fans, what Dany meant to them as survivors of abuse, well, it made me more disgusted with D&D’s choice to mislead the audience than with the fans who didn’t think too deeply and weren’t reading metas that explained the visual story that D&D repeatedly undermined with their dialogue.

Anyway, I’m not saying anyone needs to feel differently about the rest of the fandom. I’ve said recently I find everyone else except our corner pretty abhorrent, but in this, in my anger about the finale, I relate to them. 

[romanromulus]

I'm back again! I'm just going to keep popping in your inbox every so often whenever I have a thought related to your meta tbh, because I keep finding myself coming back to it when I write for Strahm and Hoffman without even realizing it. Like tonight, I've been writing a longer rp thread with a friend to kinda flesh out how I want to write some stuff for my current fic for the Jigsquad au, and I ended up writing this bit for said thread (majorly out of context but tldr they're having breakfast together):

And as I was back reading it, I realized that I had actually taken some of your meta from Strahm Dies and just like, the interpretation of Saw V that you left on my one post before into mind. For Jigsquad specifically, Hoffman ends up retaining a bit more of his humanity, and so it actually makes sense here for him to be the one making the move to reach out in his and Strahm's relationship. But in general, I think you had the right idea in pointing out how he's just naturally the one who's going to do it anyways. Strahm's too stubborn to do it himself, and often too stubborn to give in and take the hand offered depending on the situation too. He can't do it in Strahm Dies because of how deeply he's dug himself a hole/how caged in he is, both literally and metaphorically. He has a hard time doing it here too because of things I'll eventually elaborate on in said fic as well. But just...it's something I keep thinking about! I think it's something you portrayed really well in Strahm Dies, and it's something I ended up picking up as I've been writing for these two as well because it just makes sense for them. Sorry if this sounds disconnected, but it was on my mind and I wanted to let you know. Once again your meta is something I rotate in my brain a lot and something I come back to frequently~

hey hey! i love when you pop in! okay hoffman meta let’s go! I love the little breakfast scene you included (can’t wait to read more) and lemme just say, I think you nailed Hoffman there. like you said, i do think he’s a guy who wants to reach out (even in canon he’s visibly disappointed in rigg for failing his test, he shows up in strahm’s hospital room, he repeatedly asks Strahm to trust him) but the other thing I love about your scene is the way he just watches Strahm shoot himself in the foot. that’s how I characterize him too—as a guy who will sit back and watch until he feels he has to get involved. I don’t think Hoffman gets enough credit in fandom for how intelligent he actually is, like he absorbs kramers methods and lessons and then applies them. he beats Strahm because he understands him and thus understands how to lay the perfect trap, like that’s what Saw V is about!!! In the last couple films he’s flaming out spectacularly but I think that’s because he’s lost himself to madness/violence/isolation, not because he’s inherently stupid.

I really can’t wait to read your jigsquad stuff because Hoffman is honestly one of my favorite characters in the series. He has so much untapped potential and I think he’s a really tragic character. Like, he’s the one apprentice that I do think things could have turned out differently for because he’s the only one who didn’t freely (arguable) choose to join up. he was literally blackmailed into it. of course he killed Amanda and Perez and those things are unforgivable but i just think if one person had reached out to Hoffman in return, he could have pulled himself back from the brink. anyway thanks for making me think about this odious little guy who I love so much!!!

[unbotheredgoose]

Thank You

Hello, everyone! If you didn’t know already, I’m Jupiter, I’m nonbinary and Brazilian. You might follow me for my meta posts, or for my posts related to politics, or because you read one of my fics and liked it so much you looked at the author’s notes, but today I want to thank each and every single one of you.

My bio, as of writing this, reads: 

brazillian twat and aspiring writer trying to keep pushing on in life

But, today, I’m proud to announce that I’m a Brazillian twat and a professional author trying to keep pushing on in life.

If you didn’t know already, I have been writing for eight years now. When I started doing this, out of a mere hobby and with a distant dream of publishing a novel in the future, I heard plenty of times that authors don’t make much money and that I shouldn’t pursue any careers in writing. Given I was young, and I was just doing it for fun, I didn’t think much of it.

As time went on, my writing got better, and, even though my writing is purely self-indulgent, I could see myself building an audience to my various works, as views, Kudos and comments went up. Of course, I’m not exactly famous or anything like that, but seeing the numbers rise for something I had genuinely enjoyed doing and opening my inbox to both praise and criticism of my work was incredible.

Recently, even though I never had that much money to begin with, I fell in a very dangerous place financially. I started working a lot to try to earn any money to keep myself fed and roofed, and all I did all day was look for jobs and make sure I had something. And it was in this situation that I launched my Patreon page and my website.

I wanted people to see what I was writing and support me financially. I set up an entire work schedule and stayed awake nights on end trying to supply my readers with a stack of poetry and short stories, with the hopes that someone would see it and be able to donate. One US dollar in Brazil, equals 5,30 BRL, and the standard five dollars of the lowest tier buys me two entire meals.

I’ve said this all before. But I took it one step forward: I decided to become a freelance writer and apply for positions that writing was a great ability.

And so I did. And, eventually, I was hired to do a job I love doing, to write a genre that I love writing, to do things I love doing.

I was hired to be a gaming journalist for an international magazine.

A company liked my writing sample so much that they commissioned me to write articles for them. Me. A Brazillian person. Writing in English for a magazine I’m a huge fan of. Expecting to earn thrice the amount I was earning before with my other jobs, being paid regularly with an actual contract, working remotely and being able to go back to studying.

And that’s all thanks to you. Yes, you, sitting behind the screen and reading this post, considering whether or not to skip it or just give me a like as congratulations.

You.

Thank you for providing me with confidence I didn’t have about my writing. For those of you who read my fics, for every person who ever commented or gave kudos to my work on AO3, for every person that reblogged rants of mine and meta about various shows: thank you.

Thank you to those who told me that my English was great in my early works, when I thought my English was mediocre at best.

Thank you to those who commented strings of hearts and half-sentences that I could never respond because my chest felt so full when reading them.

Thank you to those who reblogged my rants and my Tumblr posts.

Thank you to my followers, my readers and those who simply passed by me in this sea of knowledge that is the internet.

Thank you to my main inspirations, who I will cite by name because they are wonderful people that have impacted me a lot when deciding to keep pushing forward: @knowlesian, @andillwriteyouatragedy, @perkynurples, @johannestevans and @queerspacepunk (give them all a follow; trust me, you won’t regret it.)

I lived every day as if it was my last for too long, uncertain if my body would finally succumb or if I would wake up the next day and make it through. I thought there was no way out of this miserable cycle of suffering.

You all gave me a reason to keep looking forward to things. If it weren’t for you, I’d long have given up on this dream of mine. Maybe it would have died with that child I once was, writing bad poetry on a notebook and hearing that I would never be able to do anything for myself.

Thank you for giving me a choice to keep living. For making my days feel better and have any meaning to them. For making me look up and see the bright side of life.

I can see it now. It’s an everyday struggle and there is suffering so bad it makes you want to give up, but oh dear if there isn’t an inexplicable beauty in a job well done. In a blooming flower, in a dream come true, in the effort and the sweat that actually amounts to something.

For those wondering, I will keep publishing, both fanfic and original work, as much as I can and as often as I can. I’m working on a horror novel that I’ll publish one day. It’s turning out okay, so far, and I’ve made myself scared quite a few times. I’m working on it.

I’m working on myself, working on my skills, working in general.

And good lord if it isn’t great to get to choose to skip dinner, instead of going to sleep hungry because I’m too afraid of the cost of a meal.

Every single one of you had a part in providing me that. And I love you all for it.

Thank you so much for everything. Stay safe, and I’ll see you next time <3

[shihalyfie]

HI! Thank you for sparing your time on me. If I may, I would very much like you to do this one guy Digimon, Beelzebumon, for me. I'm very biased, as he was my first fave. His background as a survivor of a group slaughter turned mercenary always fascinated me, along with his budding relationship with Mervamon, whom I also would like to know further. Take your time, and have a good month. Take care of your health, mentally and physically.

I want to apologize because this ask has been sitting in my inbox for several months. I held off on it because I haven't seen Xros Wars front to back in a really, really long time, and I felt I needed to sit down and spend extra time (compared to usual) making sure I did it right. And then way too much time passed. In any case, you can thank @digimental-up for being a huge help in tracking down the specific episodes I needed to look for in order to do this meta. Thank you very much, that lead was really important.

Anyway, Beelzebumon!

Well, to be a bit honest, in talking about Ba’almon/Beelzebumon’s initial backstory and motivations, I think the series itself was very clear about it to begin with -- that he started off as a warrior who couldn’t figure out why he wasn’t being acknowledged by the goddess, and, as you said, ended up a survivor of a group slaughter. However, at the time, Ba’almon still didn’t have the right idea and pursued his investigation for the sake of revenge (i.e. self-satisfaction). In the end, Ba’almon’s attempted rejection of Taiki’s movement for his revival, and his ultimate conclusion, is fairly similar to the conclusion Ken is forced to reach in 02 episode 26: that there’s no point in throwing your life away if it defeats your original purpose of accomplishing something, even if you think that somehow does “symbolic penance” for your actions.

“Protecting others” is a strong theme in most Digimon series; it’s basically the end goal that separates fighting for selfish reasons and fighting for what’s right. In issues that often get tied up in too much meaningless symbolism, and especially in a franchise that has to toe the line between promoting good virtue while also technically being about fighting and violence, the theme it always reinforces is that if you’re going to fight, you have to do it out of a selfless motive to help and protect others. This is the thing that Ba’almon takes to heart and realizes he’d always been missing, and accepts as his reason to continue living, allowing for his reincarnation as Beelzebumon.

Since you asked about Beelezbumon and Mervamon in particular, I think what Mervamon ends up providing for him is “someone he wants to protect”. That’s not to say that Mervamon is a damsel he has to look out for -- far from it, it’s made clear as early as episode 47 that the two are equal partners -- but rather that Mervamon is someone he’s forming a particular relationship with, whom he now has a particular emotional investment in the welfare of. In other words, it’s now possible to really feel intimately that he’s selflessly fighting for the sake of others, not for violence or revenge or anything of that sort.

And even when Beelzebumon does seem to be going back into the revenge motive again, Mervamon’s the one who cares for him in return and thus reminds him that there are people emotionally invested in him. In turn, Beelzebumon chooses to confide in her and open up about his personal thoughts and issues to her (not someone he does to just anyone, but Mervamon had presumably proven her worth as an equal to him whom he could trust). So in other words, the two take care of each other a lot and start to become, ahem, very worried about each other.

So when Beelzebumon does sacrifice himself, this time, it’s for an explicit purpose: to protect and save others, and with Mervamon as witness to what he’s about to do. And it’s presumably her actions within episodes 47 and 48 that allowed him to have the confidence to make this decision, that instead of just throwing his life away from the feeling that it’s worthless and that he’s failed everyone, he’s doing this for people he cares about and people who have been caring about him in return.

But, fortunately, everything works out, and all is well.