#:17 stuff she says

[blondrichclosetwitch]

You smile and say it's not your fault.

You can't depend on your family. You can't depend on your friends.

It is a gift so bitter that you brought to me.

You and me, babe.

We got lost in the same maze.

“….I was gonna take some flowers to my neighbor.”

"Come back here, Baby Louise, and tell me the name of the game that you play."

(She asked me to put an addendum for this: after a skype session with the Tarot Reader (before katie died) where we talked about how I was carrying the baby's candle everywhere & felt like I was going crazy, I had a very dark "dream" about the baby's name being Louise Sutton. And that was when I started talking to "the baby". The TR had told me in January that the baby was a girl; it wasn't until 2019 that I realized it was a boy. This is an important bit, because it shows how triggering conversations on special dates like the abortion would pop up. It was all planned. And it worked well. This was also when Laurie was mentioned to me for the first time. Meanwhile I was still very ill from the hexes. )

" Depollute me, gentle angel and I'll feel the sickness less and less."

This is gonna be torture.

And now you're tearing through the pages and the inc: "I know I've only felt religion when i've lied, with you." (You'll never be forgiven 'til your boys are too. )

Everything is Blue.

You'll be a lover in my bed, and a gun to my head.

"Lovely girl, you're the murder in my world."

and that old man beats his crooked cane---it's time to let go.

[nevertheless-moving]

Stormlight AU 17B Part Two

Continued from Here

Kaladin takes the honorblade because Syl insists it’s too dangerous to leave, collapses on the way back because holy shit exhaustion and injuries and also it's draining his stormlight a bit.

(There’s some interference between Syl Bond/ Honorblade Bond that takes time to sort out.)

When the storm starts dying, Kaladin and Szeth are found laid out like a Rosharan Renaissance painting.

Kaladin’s sprawled on the palace steps, still clutching the blade. There’s probably a single beam of light streaming down from a break in the clouds, illuminating Kaladin’s artistically devastated and storm soaked body with golden light, because of course there is.

The Assassin in White has dagger wounds in his heart and throat. Wounds from a darkeyes weapon. A LOT of witnesses to that messy aftermath because people are too freaked out to move either of them until Dalinar comes downstairs

When Kaladin wakes up he's injured. Syl isn’t answering. He’s surrounded by lighteyes and a handful of his men. The shardblade is on a pedestal.

Unfortunately this hits right in the incredibly specific trauma.

Adolin wasn't exactly sure what he imagined would happen when the bridgeman woke. No, that wasn't true. Over the last two days vigil, he had had plenty of time to think.

A haughty sneer, maybe. Or maybe a victorious smile, gloryspren, stormfather knew he deserved glory. More likely shock, surprise at even being alive — his body must have been devastated, he couldn't have expected the blade to heal him after he won, could he? A suspicious part of him had considered the idea of an attack, some form of betrayal, but not...

Whatever this was.

Prince Adolin Kholin stood in full shardplate watching bridgeboy — bridgeman — the Captain who killed the Kingkiller, face him down. Kaladin stood in a corner, one hand outstretched towards Adolin, wielding a scalpel like a dagger.

That arm was the only part of him that wasn’t shaking.

His eyes were feral, terrified. Storms, he had seen the man tackle the Assassin in White out a fifty foot drop with less fear. Shudders wracked his body. His other arm was gripping the one armed Hardashian that had been tending him, pushing him behind, protecting him.

Protecting him from Adolin.

Adolin took a hesitant step forward, hands held placatingly in front of him, feeling abnormally overly large and clumsy in his shardplate, like a chull, or a chasmfiend.

Captain Stormblessed finally spoke. "No," he said.

No, he didn't just say it, he begged. Adolins jaw dropped with shock. Before that moment, he would have laughed at anyone who claimed that the proud man could lower himself to plead like that. It felt...wrong.

"No," he said again, and almighty, were those tears in his eyes?

"Just let my men go. They won't say anything. I won't say anything. I don't want it. You can have it. I don't want it. Don't hurt my men. Please."

He was babbling. The proudest, most taciturn man on Roshar was babbling, pleading. Fearspren writhed sickly around his chest.

Adolin felt sick. He...must have been wounded in the head. That would be the most singularly cruel injury he could imagine. Worse than rotspren taking a hale warrior.

He glanced helplessly at his father, but he looked just as disturbed as Adolin felt.

Or — could the blade be doing this? It was impossible to miss the way it glowed, pulsing in time with the bridgemans gasps for air. Could it be cursed? Granting power, somehow healing a shardtaken arm, a body shattered from falling, but stealing the mind of the man who bore it?

"It's alright gancho," the hardassian said softly. "The fights over, eh? You can put it down, see, we're all friends here?"

"You have to run Hab," Stormblessed whispered, audible in the too still room. "It's a trap. They're going to..." he was barely able to stay on his feet, but he pushed at the smaller man, making sure to stay in between the Kholins and the uncertain bridge four guards.

More fearspren choked the air. Stone faces too — almighty above agonyspren too? Those hadn't even shone up when light had flooded to his shardtaken feet, and that couldn't have been comfortable.

The hardassian frowned. "Gancho, I'm getting the feeling you ain't completely with me. Surely you remember the Lopen? One armed hardassian? Irresistible to women? Your favorite wall decor?"

The Captain didn't seem to hear him, eyes glassy and unfocused. "No," he whimpered, looking at Adolin and Dalinar. "They're not a threat." He pushed the Herdassian further back. "I don't want the blade."

Adolin was glad his helmet was off, because he was pretty sure he was going to puke. This wasn't...he had tried sometimes, to put the darkeyed Captain in his place but storms...it wasn't right. The memory of his own behavior made him sick. Did the Captain really think so badly of him? That he would kill to steal the blade? Or was it just the delirium?

"It's alright Kaladin," one of the guards — Moash said, stepping forward. "It's not going to happen again. Bridge four is guarding the hall, just a shout away."

He glared at Adolin. Storms. Their entire guard thought that little of them?

Kaladin shook his head in Moash's direction, tears falling freely now. "We cant take them all, Coreb," he rasped. "We — you — you have to run."

His father finally spoke. "It's alright Soldier. I'm not Amaram. You're not there. You're safe. You're a hero."

Adolin and Kaladin stared in confusion.

Amaram? What in Damnation?

"I —" Stormblessed's voice cracked.

Father looked... hollowed out. He took a deep breath, then stepped toward the pedestal that held the sword. Moash, incredibly, lowered his spear at him.

Kelek's breath, Adolin knew that his men were loyal to their captain, but...stormfather.

Dalinar ignored him, lifting the sword, cloth wrapping the hilt, stepping forward.

Stormblessed's whole body was shaking now, scalpel barely staying in his grip. Still, Adolin barely restrained himself from stepping up to protect his father. On one hand, he could hardly imagine Stormblessed in a less threatening state. On the other hand, the Assassin in White might have thought the same.

Kaladin pushed Moash back, eyes fixed on Dalinar's approach.

"I am not Amaram," he repeated. "You know that soldier. Do you remember our conversation, after I exchanged the shardblade for you and your men?"

The captain blinked, scalpel still brandished in warning.

“What is a man’s life worth?” Dalinar asked, calmly stepping forward.

“The slavemasters say one is worth about two emerald broams,” Kaladin mumbled, frowning.

 “And what do you say?”

“A life is priceless,” he said immediately, blinking hard.

Dalinar smiled, then knelt down holding the blade in front of him, still not touching the hilt directly. Moash sucked in a shocked breath, and Adolin couldn’t help but agree with the sentiment.

“Coincidentally,” his father said. “That is the exact value of a Shardblade. Two days ago, you saved the four lives I hold most precious in this world, not to mention countless other priceless lives across Roshar. There is no treasure great enough to serve as payment for such a deed. If, as a start, you would be willing to accept what you have already earned, I would consider it a bargain.” He extended the sword, holding it perpendicular to them both.

“I…” Stormblessed blinked down at Dalinar in confusion. “Sir…?” 

The scalpel slipped through his fingers and landed on the floor with a clatter. Adolin exhaled in relief. I mean, the man could probably  do unreasonable amounts of damage with his bare hands but — still. One less thing to worry about.

The man blinked harder, eventually turning away from the blade to look at Moash.

"Syl," he said fervently. "Something's happened to Syl."

The lieutenant's eyes widened — he clearly recognized the name. Did bridgeboy have a girlfriend?

"It's alright Kal," he said soothingly. "Syl's tough, right? She always comes back."

"She always comes back," bridgeboy said, squeezing his eyes shut and swaying on his feet. Moash and the little Herdasian both moved quickly to steady him. "She has to come back," he whispered.

Dalinar rose smoothly, stepping back. "Perhaps it would be wise to allow the Captain more time to rest before discussing anything further."

"Of course brightlord," Moash said, nodding respectfully, as if he hadn't leveled a storming spear at his Highprince minutes ago. "Come on Kal." The three started moving slowly back to the bed.

Perhaps they were all going to pretend the last ten minutes hadn't happened. That seemed like a good plan to Adolin right now.

Upside of all this, Dalinar is pretty convinced about the Amaram accusation.

Funny conversation with Zahel because yeah fair enough you didn't need shardblade training but also because of that you definitely need shardblade training

REALLY funny conversation with Shallan because the boot stealing incident already happened, Kaladin's getting feasts and parades, and she's like oh. oh i done goofed.

Don't worry Syl's fine, it's just a tight fit until Kaladin's soul adjusts. She maybe even gets a nebulously defined sick power boost (ability to hold honorblade in physical realm perhaps?!?)

Kaladin gets ordered to go master his new powers and is just like. Ok. But i'm doing it because i want to, not because you told me to.

comes back a day later like Ok I can stick rocks together wahoo.

Comes back three days later like "I CAN FLY!! GUYS, GUYS I CAN STORMING FLY!!" it is the first time any lighteyes in camp have seen him smile and might cause several minor sexual crises

Learning to fly and getting to joyfully share it with bridge four right away because why not :)

Happily swapping the blade around bridge four giving a bunch of lighteyes aneurysms, though Syl insists on always taking it back after a bit because she's maybe sort of also bonded with it and its uncomfortable for it to go too far for too long

Incredibly resistant of new titles/lands. It becomes a thing.

Whitespine Uncaged except its like, 20 guys because it's a desperate trap for Kaladin specifically, trying to get him before he masters the honorblade and becomes the Blackthorn's unbeatable champion and the rest of the world get washed away in a river of blood.

...People are kindof freaking out about the blackthorn having a personal magic assassin

Adolin gets a little more beat to shit but they still manage to wreck everyone. I think Renarin also gets the honorblade for a hot minute and gets to go to town since this one doesn't scream. Possibly more of bridge four gets involved.

Absolute epic clusterfuck of a duel. 'Duel' is really the wrong word for 20 shardbarers trying desperately to kill a minor demigod and two pissed off kholins.

Dalinar and the King actually end up giving back a bunch of the shardblades and plate after the Kholin win because keeping all of them would be it's own political nightmare

i mean the 'duel' was already a painfully obvious metaphor. it's Kholins v Everyone Else time and the odds are not looking good for the everyone else side.

Kaladin gets his boon and duel with Amaram but of course it doesn't go how he wanted. Was there ever even a best case scenario here?

(Amaram desperately wants to become a radiant)

(Amaram has also accurately judged his likelihood of victory against the OP darkeye who has gotten even more OP since the last time he saw him to be approximately zero)

(Amaram sees the writing on the wall for house Sadeas now that Kholin is on the rise)

Amaram surrenders completely, throwing himself at Kaladin's feet, swearing over his lands and all that he owns, swearing eternal service to Kaladin in repayment for his sins. Kaladin really really really wants to kill him in cold blood but FUCK he's got morals that's like his whole thing

Kaladin: oh god does this mean i have to deal with Amaram all the time now

Dalinar: i mean he's yours to do with what you want. you could lock him away forever without trial.

Kaladin: oh god why is that even an option

Dalinar: ...the more politically expedient thing to do would be to keep him on as an advisor, at least until you get a better grip on his lands

Kaladin: oh GOD

Adolin kills Sadeas so now the other highprinces are REALLY freaking out

Actual radiant status gets hidden by glowing sword clearly giving Magic powers.

Like. The crabcat is out of the bag on the magic and flying but the sword is VERY CLEARLY GLOWING so. Fun sideways reveal.

TREMENDOUS number of assassination attempts because i can not stress this enough — this sword makes you unkillable and also gives you the power to fucking fly.

Oh! Forgot to mention: Shortly after waking up/bonding the blade he attends the meeting with Stormform!Eshonai, still dissociating slightly, because Syl is high on honorblade and extremely attuned to cognitive realm. Ends up helping Eshonai get rid of stormspren and bond her own light spren. End result for plot is this:

Rumors filter out that one of his powers is making people Radiant, so that's definitely adding to people going wild over him/The Blade/Dalinar's weird religious midlife crisis

new uneasy partial detante with Parshendi because at least one of them has superpowers now (thanks for that)

the desolation gets pushed back another year (tbh mostly because I want more time to explore plot device/political fallout of Kaladin being an absolutely overpowered freak amongst normies)

Stormlight AU Masterlist

[greenerteacups]

Hi GT,

Forgive me if this is a stupid question, but I absolutely love the recs you've given (you've introduced me to tomione, and I love it!) and I was wondering if it's possible to give you some recs in return? There are some books and fics that definitely have dramione / got vibes, and I was wondering if I could share them with you!

So glad you've enjoyed them! Feel free to rec me anything you want. I've read most of the classic recs in terms of fic and adjacent content (Cruel Prince et al), but I'll try anything that's well-written. My tastes run towards weird and/or audaciously creative stuff, and I can forgive a lot of weaknesses in plot on the grounds of (1) ambition or (2) character work. My turnoffs are instalove, protagonists who can't fail, and most Y/A (I'm not a hater, I swear, I just need characters who can say "fuck" when their leg gets chopped off.)

I'm also a fan of weird and fucked-up dynamics.(Wuthering Heights was my favorite book for a while, and as a teenager I wrote an AU in which the book ends on a long sex scene where Heathcliff fucks Cathy's ghost and then immediately gets murdered by Catherine 2.) Obviously, I am very normal.

[birdricks]

honestly beth and jerry have maybe my second favourite relationship in the entire show just for how interesting and tragic it is. like its brushed aside a lot in favour of other stuff but they were really both just kids... and the saddest part about them is that they maybe do love each other but its always in some way artificial

[nadiajustbe]

Okay but I really like the idea of Sophie, Michael and Howell being roommates in 1980's college just for fun and giggles.

Michael, being a typical young student, survives on instant noodles and oatmeal he keeps in his nightstand instead of the table, stacking books on a blanket and trying to get along with Howell in five square meters. Overall he just a sweet boy who tries his best to study while Howell plays music from a tape recorder on the max volume at 1AM.

Howell Jenkins collects dust, random tests and papers, magazines, posters, a couple of dozen deflated rugby balls and old cassettes under his bed. A small family of spiders lives peacefully above his bed, who look like they've been here for 10 years already. He also locks himself in the bathroom for at least two hours every evening and every morning, and Michael fights for HIS LIFE to find a moment when the shower is free.

Sophie Hatter, on the other hand just...lives with them. Seriously, one day she barges into their room completely unannounced and starts cleaning Howl's part of the room, telling them that "she lives there now." She was not worried about the lack of extra space, nor other small points related to the fact that she simply invaded their private property. None of them kicked her out anyway, allowing her to terrorize their ten square meters. And, partly, not without scandal, spiders and Howl's fashionable clothes.

[expectsomechange]

Oh god I'm gonna throw up

Don't eat old dressing with cut up cucumber and a can of soda after being hungry for 12 hours, jeez

Anyways

17th

You get three cause two of them I don't like, and the last one is actually low key cutsey to me still

Lasso art is kinda fun

[quietwingsinthesky]

the way demon blood millie works to me is a combination of three factors: 1) we know azazel kept doing that shit after his first crop of special kids, he was doing it in s1 to a random baby there, so she’s in the possible running, 2) the only people in the first round of demon kid hunger games were sam’s age, meaning she would not be a part of that anyway, and 3) they establish that the nursery fire pattern doesn’t hold up. so john wouldn’t even know.

so like. the only clue that anything’s up with millie is if, like sam, she had early childhood feelings that she was unclean in some way like he did. but here’s the thing. here’s the thing. if she felt that way, she would just assume that’s how everyone feels all the time. especially with sam around confirming that fact to her with his own angsting.

[roaringroa]

they should make a life where you don't have appointments, work, school and scheduled events every single day for months on end

[riddlerosehearts]

??? okay after seeing that those early development sheets from the pokemon leak say elesa is fifteen in BW i'm choosing to take all of this as just. initial ideas that most likely shifted during development because it literally makes no sense like that would make her and bianca around the same age when she's very clearly portrayed in the game itself as an adult with far more life experience than bianca who's able to advise her and get her father to back down from babying her. it also makes skyla/elesa a little weird as a ship since skyla's character sheet says skyla is 18 and it makes the way elesa is drawn in a lot of official art just plain creepy, like?? 😭 to me this is a prime example of why you can't take things like this to be fully canon because things are always changing from when a game, or movie, or basically any media is initially concieved to when it's completed. i'd bet anything that the devs may have originally thought she should be 15, may have drawn up some concept art or sprites for a version of her that was 15, and then changed their minds later and aged her up. because there is just no way at all.

[theclearblue]

I'm gonna get into a brawl with my mother one day don't be surprised when I get on the news

[thotsfortherapy]

having mommy issues be like I hate that you know me I hate that we’re related I hate that you birthed me I hate that you don’t know how to love me properly I hate that you can’t see how much you hurt me I hate that I’m expected to love you

[blondrichclosetwitch]

I whispered your name but you never responded.

My heart, my heart stopped beating. My lungs, my lungs stopped breathing.

Tell me, why is a lifetime not enough?

There's a brand new dance but I don't know its name that people from bad homes do again and again. It's big and it's bland, full of tension and fear.

They do it over there but we don't do it here.

Part of me is deep down inside you.

I got a buzz like a murder hornet.

But I reckon that's what mornings are for.

And everyone thinks they know me now, but I'm too young to even know myself.

Enjoy your cocaine, kat.

"She'll come back as fire to burn all the liars."

Don't try to jail my thoughts. I can't be controlled with programs and presets. Reset.

guess who's goin to jail?

And I can write the book cause there's more than one way to skin a kat.

just pictures of JAP girls in synthesis...slightly bewildered.

Now it's too late, you realized.

Now I'm so done with caring what you think.

I won't hide underneath your own projections.

Move to a place that no one can find.

We're going to have a real good time together. oh, watch me now.

Why can't you forget about the past?

"My secrets are burning a hole through my heart."

[jentlemahae]

i think a rosie tour next year is a real possibility

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

because im less breakable than you

[komeeder]

something i also dont get about how much people hate on hiyoko is that shes literally an sdr2 character. you know, sdr2, the game about how even though they had done bad things and have been terrible people theyre still people who deserve a future where they can improve and heal and become better. ? not saying this as a defense of what she does im saying shes literally an sdr2 character. they are literally all ex terrorists.

[popcorn-plots]

just some. personal rants i've been thinking about

little bit deep, but my parents don't know i'm trans/enby so I can't really share it with them, but I just had a realization about being trans/enby and how I've struggled a lot with the fact that I don't experience as much dysphoria as someone else. When I was just starting out, I thought I was faking it or somehow doing it wrong because I didn't feel the dysphoria I've heard so much about. Like, I don't feel like I was born in the wrong body, I just don't like certain aspects of it, and I've never felt comfortable being referred to with feminime terms, and a 'girl' is not who I am. But then I kept thinking about the euphoria part, of someone using the correct pronouns, referring to me as a person or a human being, and using the right name and how it's this overwhelming feeling of joy, but I don't feel that. Sure, I'll smile. It feels good to be seen, but I don't feel that overpowering joy. For a while, I had that thought that maybe I'm not trans, because I don't feel the dysphoria or the euphoria. I just exist. I know there's more than one way to be trans, but it never felt like I fit.

Then, I started thinking about it and I wonder if part of it is because of the way I was raised. Not by societal expectations, but by an emotionally immature parent. Being raised without any validation and rarely any praise. Where I had to walk on eggshells around my mom. I wonder if it got to the point where I don't know what pride feels like. I don't know what it feels like to be proud of myself, because why would I? I did a task. Congratulations, move on, there are other things to do. I have no idea how to be happy about something I did. I wonder if because I was never validated as a child, I struggle to validate myself. I have a really hard time even appreciating myself because I spent so much time appreciating others.

I wonder if that's translated into me being trans and not just my everyday life. Where I find it so incredibly hard to feel any kind of pride or joy or happiness from something I did, because I was never appreciated as a kid.