#/hello! hopefully this is an okay response if not feel free to lemme know <3 always happy to change things / toss different muses at stuff
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likeswallowstosea · 2 months ago
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“Yeah, because rolling up and trying to murder a bunch of people wouldn’t result in any of us getting killed in the process. Prime way to preserve human life.” Zander retorts sarcastically, rolling his eyes at her outburst. Sure, he would be lying if he pretended he didn’t under where Anika was coming from. He was pissed too, making peace wasn’t exactly something he wanted to do. But it had to be done for the survival of the group, none of them could afford letting their emotions cloud their judgement at the moment. Was there a chance negotiations wouldn’t be effective? Of course, but murdering everyone they had issues with wasn’t a solution in the long term; all that’d bring was an endless cycle of violence, a life for a life on loop until there was nobody left. Considering she currently wasn’t contributing any actually useful ideas to the conversation, he should have let her run off in peace, and yet the second she storms off towards her house, he’s chasing after her. “Slow down, Anika. Nobody is saying please and thank you is the solution here, at least none of the smart ones are. But we also can’t be rash and get everyone killed because we’re pissed off. If you’re actually concerned about losing more people, take a deep breath and try to actually help instead of doing something rash or idiotic."
♡ open to: m/f/nb ♡ anika hunt - member of a community that is at odds with another in the apocalypse
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she stood near the edge of the group, listening, hues fixated on the fire burning in the middle of everyone. diplomatic ideas were being thrown around every which way, offering half thought out plans about negotiations, keeping peace. it all just pushed her over the edge she had been teetering on. " or how about we fucking kill them all ? " anger took over because it was the only thing she could hold onto over guilt and grief. " hm ? " the girl gave a shrug, her voice cutting through all the others with multiple sets of orbs landing on her. " they've taken enough — people, supplies, peace of mind, what more are you willing to lose because I'm tired of it. " the loss of someone she cared about had twisted into a need to make someone pay. " think they're just going to stop because you say please and thank you ? fuck this. " final words mumbled as she rolled her eyes and headed off towards the house she currently called home, not that home had really existed in a long time.
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secretagentspydetectiveninja · 7 years ago
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Alix Appreciation Week, day 3: Favourite Ship
Did I blatantly cheat on this prompt? Of course. Which ship? All of them  None of them Wait until the very end and see. Am I cruel enough to break 13 kids’ hearts in quick succession? Yep. Am I sorry about it? Hell nah >:D
It was that time of year again.
Every shop window was advertising specially themed chocolates, cards, flowers, every radio station blasting out love songs non-stop, every pavement of every street filled with couples holding hands and using this day to be as mushy in public as they wanted without the usual repercussions. The very air was filled with the stench of romance, so thick it weighed down on everything, worming its way into every nook and cranny and smothering everyone like a blanket of stale marshmallows.
In other words, it sucked.
Alix hurried to school facing straight ahead, ignoring anything that made this day different from any other. Hopefully during class she’d be free from it, right? She could always just zone out and ignore anything the teacher was saying if she needed to.
Unluckily for her, she didn’t even make it to class unscathed. While pulling textbooks out of her locker and stuffing them into her bag, Marinette shuffled into view, a ridiculously bright blush covering that freckled face of hers.
“Hi Alix!” she squeaked, waving enthusiastically for a few seconds before clearing her throat and seemingly trying to appear less nervous. “I, um, just wanted to say hi to you before everyone else b-because I – well not that I don’t want you to say hello to anyone! N-no wait
 what I mean is
”
Her face glowed so bright it was like she had eaten one too many tomatoes. Did Marinette always stutter like that all the time? Usually she only did that around Adrien, right? But then again she hadn’t spoken to Alix for quite a while, seeming to just run off whenever getting near her, so if her attitude had changed in the meantime then there was no way of knowing.
“What do you want, Marinette?” Alix said. “Just spit it out.”
She was already half expecting it. Everyone knew what Marinette’s stuttering meant. But that didn’t make it any less awkward when Marinette finally managed to stammer out, “Will y-you be my Valentine?” before hiding her face behind her hands and taking a step back.
So, the class rep herself had been hit with Cupid’s arrow in the cruellest way possible, huh? Alix sighed. “If I say no, will you get akumatized?”
Marinette shook her head frantically. “No, of c-course not! Don’t worry! I
 I just
 um
 bye!” She ran off without another word.
Well, hopefully that would be all. Why did Marinette like her, anyway? Usually people found her intimidating. Or annoying, that too. Not worth hanging out with much. Whatever Marinette liked her for, it had to be something superficial, since no one in the class knew her very well at all.
Alix stood up on the lower shelf of her locker to reach the things she had put at the top – why did these lockers have to be so tall, seriously – only for her fingers to close around a loose slip of paper. She pulled it out and had a read.
I know you probably don’t think of me this way, but you’re so brave and inspiring and I wish I could pluck up the courage to ask you to be my Valentine in person. But I can’t. So have this letter instead, as a token of my feelings. I hope you have a great day today, whoever it’s with. ~J
Seriously? Did Juleka really think Alix wouldn’t recognize her handwriting? No one else dotted their “I”s with stars. Maybe Juleka wanted her to know it was her, though, at least subconsciously, and so didn’t even try to hide it.
Unfortunately, that wouldn’t change anything. Alix stuffed the note in her pocket, slammed the locker door shut, and looked around for Juleka. Probably best to just return this note as soon as possible before that gothy bundle of nerves spent too long getting worked up waiting for some kind of reaction.
She ran up the steps to the classroom two at a time, not looking where she was headed, only to directly run into someone at the top and bounce backwards, almost falling right back down. The person quickly turned around and grabbed her hand just in time.
“Hey dude, slow down there! You don’t wanna get hurt!”
Looking up, she saw Nino beaming down at her. Oh, thank goodness it was him and not a teacher or a snitch. She did not want to get in trouble again for running in school, or her dad would kill her for real this time.
“Actually,” Nino continued, “you’re just the person I was looking for. I wanted to talk to you.”
Still holding her hand to stop her falling, he loosened his grip slightly and gently pulled her up onto the landing.
“I made a new mixtape,” he said, not looking at her now. “It’s, uh
 I could send it to you. If you want. I mean, it’s for you.”
The warm smile on his face had turned into an all-too-familiar cheesy, nervous grin. The same kind of grin that so many people had on this particular day of the year, a grin that spoke volumes about how they were feeling on the inside. A grin that Alix did not want to see.
“You made a mixtape for me?” she asked, trying to keep disappointment out of her voice.
“Yeah!” Nino rubbed the back of his head, looking at the floor. “It’s, um, a Valentine’s Day present, I guess, if you want it
”
Alix promptly let go of his hand and wiped her own hand on the side of her shorts. “I’m sure your mixtape is great. But um
 could you send it to me on a different day of the year? Like, any other day at all? Any day that isn’t this day?”
“Sure
” His face was falling.
“Do send it though. I wanna hear it.”
“Um, cool, I’ll do that
”
Why did he still look sad? People always seemed to take rejection so hard for some inexplicable reason, no matter how nice you were about it. It didn’t feel good at all, hurting people’s feelings like this
 but what was the alternative then? Lying to them?
Whatever. Alix gave Nino a brief smile before pushing past him and heading to the classroom. As soon as she walked through the door she saw it there – a crimson rose, lying on her desk. Oh come on, what now? Stomping over, half expecting it to be a joke, she picked up the flower and was about to toss it out of the window when she caught the faint scent drifting out of it.
No, it wasn’t normal flower fragrance
 it was perfume. And a very familiar perfume.
She turned to the back of the classroom and slammed her hand down on the desk. “ROSE!”
Rose, who had been sitting in her seat at the back with a textbook up to hide her face, jumped and dropped the book with a thud. Her face was almost as pink as her dress.
“Y-yes?”
Alix clambered over the desk in between and made her way over, dropping the flower right in front of Rose. “I think this belongs to you. You seem to have lost it.”
Maybe an indirect rejection would be a better way to deal with poor, sensitive Rose, at least if she didn’t want another akuma on her hands. In any case, Rose blinked a few times with those giant eyes of hers, taken aback. Clearly that wasn’t the response she had expected.
“Actually
 I
”
“Lemme guess, were you gonna give this to Juleka?”
Rose’s eyes had rather alarmingly begun filling up with tears, but the mention of Juleka’s name managed to stop her from actually crying. “Oh, well
 I didn’t think of that, but
”
“You should do it.” That would kill two birds with one stone, as the saying went. Alix wasn’t even sure what would cause sweet girly Rose to go for someone like her when Juleka was already her type, anyway. Or what would cause anyone to go for her at all.
Without waiting for a reply, she turned and vaulted back over the desks towards her own seat.
-
-
Class itself was uneventful, thankfully. By the time the bell rang Alix had almost forgotten what day of the year it was – at least, until she leapt to her feet and felt the crunch of paper in her pocket. Oh yes, Juleka’s note. Juleka herself had come into class late and there had been no chance to talk to her. Maybe it would be better to get it over with now.
Alix was just turning around to go when she felt MylĂšne put a hand on her arm, pulling her back.
“Alix! Wait a moment!”
She had to bite her tongue to stop herself snapping What now?!
“Are you doing anything later today?” Mylùne asked.
“Why?”
“Well, I was wondering if
” She was twirling a strand of hair around her finger, biting at her lip. “Since it’s
 Valentine’s Day
”
Really? Was this just because they sat next to each other? It wasn’t like Mylùne ever willingly talked to her outside of class time, about anything other than needing a hand with schoolwork. People seemed to find the prospect of spending Valentine’s Day alone so horrifying that it almost seemed not to even matter who they asked.
Or at least, that was what it looked like from what she had gathered over the years.
“Sorry, I’m busy tonight,” Alix said simply, shaking her arm free and walking off. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Mylùne curl up a little – okay, maybe there were a few genuine feelings there after all, oops. Still, that didn’t change her answer.
She headed to the back of the classroom as everyone else was leaving and thrust the note right into Juleka’s hands without even a greeting. “I think you accidentally put this in my locker.” She was sure it had been no accident, but rejecting Rose indirectly had worked, so maybe this would too.
Juleka was hard to read. The hair covering her face made it almost impossible to see anything, not to mention she was one of those tall people, so it was hard to see her face anyway. But her quiet mumbling did indicate some kind of response.
“Did you mean to put it in Rose’s locker?” Alix continued, lowering her voice enough that Rose nearby wouldn’t hear.
“Hrnnhrhhnnrhn,” Juleka said, the visible sliver of skin on her face going red.
“I bet Rose would love it. Don’t worry, I won’t tell her. I’ll let you do that.”
“Hrmmbbffrrrr
”
“You can do it.”
Alix gave her a thumbs up, then had started walking away when she finally heard Juleka actually speak.
“Wait!”
She turned around to see Juleka shuffling around nervously.
“Th-this was meant for you
 but it’s okay. I get it. I’ll give it to
”
Her one visible eye shifted to the side as she trailed off.
“Hey, Juleka?” Alix said, trying to force herself to be nice for once. “It was pretty brave of you to tell me. Good going.”
Juleka smiled. “Thanks
”
Cool. Now that was sorted, hopefully the rest of the day would be free of any sorts of shenanigans, because honestly, this was getting kind of ridiculous. Whichever cosmic entity was up there firing Cupid arrows at all Alix’s classmates, they had a really sick sense of humour.
-
-
The rest of the day was not free of shenanigans, of course. Alix was heading out of the empty locker room for lunch when someone suddenly grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and yanked her up into the air.
“Hey, midget!”
She had known who it was before she even heard the voice. “What the fuck do you want, Kim?”
He dropped her and crossed his arms. “I have a challenge for you. Well, kind of a challenge. A bet thing.”
Oh, thank goodness. Finally something normal was happening on this lawless, godforsaken day. At least she could always count on Kim to be his usual annoying self. “What is it?”
“Well I wanna prove myself and no one else ever takes my challenges seriously except you, so like, I have to ask you, it’s not ‘cause I want to or anything, I
”
“Get to the point.”
“Fine!” His face had suddenly gone the colour of his hoodie – not a good sign. “I bet I’m totally a way better kisser than you, so I challenge you to a competition!”
Not him too

She smacked her hand on her forehead. “No. Just
 oh god. No. Ew.”
“I’m not asking ‘cause I want to!” he said quickly. “It’s just that no one else would do it, and like
 I mean, I’m definitely gonna win, but if you somehow win instead then you can take me out for dinner or something
 okay even if I win I’ll take you out for dinner, how’s that
”
“Is this all just an excuse to get me to go out with you?”
“N-no! Well
 unless you want it to be
”
Alix rolled her eyes. “Jeez, at least ask me properly.”
“Okay, okay
 do you wanna go out with me?”
“Nope. See ya.” She shoved him aside and left the locker room, calling out a quick, “And don’t go getting akumatized over it!” behind her shoulder as she went.
Not even a second had passed before ChloĂ© was standing in front of her, hands on her hips, haughty smirk on that cold face. “I heard that.”
“So what?” Alix snapped.
“So, I just want to say: join the club, darling!”
“Uh, what club?”
ChloĂ© let out a little chuckle with her hand covering her mouth, like one of those evil rich lady anime villains. “The club of girls who are too good for that loser, of course! Surely you know he’s asked me out plenty too?”
“Yeah, everyone knows. I also don’t care.” She tried to walk past, but ChloĂ© stepped into her path and blocked her way.
“Boys aren’t good enough anyway, wouldn’t you say? So boorish and unsophisticated. Don’t you think
 someone else would be a much better choice?”
She had her hands clasped together now, batting her eyelashes.
“I’m gonna throw up,” Alix muttered.
“Oh, you’re just like them!” ChloĂ© stomped her foot and folded her arms, turning away. “So
 so
 oh, I don’t know! Rude-spirited! Tomboy! I thought maybe you’d be a little different today.”
Yeah, most people did act different on this day. But Alix acted the same every day, and if ChloĂ© didn’t like it, then tough.
“I don’t have time for this,” she said, rubbing her aching forehead. “You’re like the seventh person to make a move on me today and it’s really weirding me out
”
“Hmph!” ChloĂ© flounced off, her nose upturned.
Alix breathed a sigh of relief – only for every bit of relief to vanish when she heard a timid little voice from somewhere to the side.
“That was really cool of you
”
No, not another one, not again

But sure enough, she turned aside to see Sabrina sidling over, the look of admiration on her face that was usually only reserved for Chloé.
“Don’t even try it,” Alix warned.
“Oh! Um, no, of course I won’t!” Sabrina looked down, her doormat personality suppressing anything she would have otherwise said. Was that bad? People didn’t like keeping their emotions bottled up, right? Maybe it would be better to hear her out

“Okay fine,” Alix sighed, “just say what you wanna say and go.”
Sabrina nodded, still looking down at the floor with her hands clutched to her chest. “You’re really cool and I wish I could be more like you and I know if I ask to be your Valentine you’ll probably say no but I do want to so
”
For goodness sake, it was like being the protagonist of one of those awful dating sims – when was it going to end?!
“You’re right, I’d say no,” Alix replied, “but you know what? If you wanna be more like me, I’ll teach you to rollerskate at some point.”
Sabrina’s face lit up. “Really?”
“Yeah. And here’s another tip: if you wanna be like me, stop being a mushy dork like everyone else.”
Sabrina’s face fell again. “I can’t help it
”
And that was the problem, wasn’t it? No one could. That was what made it even more frustrating to have to turn everyone down.
“Fine. Just
 ugh, I’m getting out of here.”
Alix walked off as quickly as possible. Maybe going home for lunch was the best idea, where there would be no one else to bother her. School was being more cursed than usual today.
She was out of the school’s front doors when she heard someone calling her.
“Hey! Alix!”
It was Adrien, standing at the door of his limo and waving at her. She apprehensively waved back. Was he about to start too? She didn’t trust anyone right now.
He ran over to her. “I’m so glad to see you – you’re one of the only girls I know who doesn’t completely fangirl over me on Valentine’s Day, it’s getting so tiring
”
Her hopes shot up again. “Really?”
“Yeah! It’s so refreshing! I
” He looked past her towards the school entrance, his face filled with alarm. “Oh no, here they come
”
Alix turned around to see a bunch of squealing fangirls running through the doors, waving posters and autograph pads. Adrien grabbed her arm.
“We probably shouldn’t stay here or we’ll get swarmed – come on!”
He had pulled her into the limo before she knew it, leaning across her to shut the door. The screams of the fangirls could still be heard, but they wouldn’t be able to see anything through the tinted windows.
Adrien quickly shuffled back into his own seat, grinning sheepishly. “Uh, sorry
 They’re kind of wild, aren’t they?”
Alix just nodded. Whatever she was going through today, poor Adrien clearly had it a hundred times worse.
“I was just going home for lunch, maybe you’d like to join me?”
“Sure,” she said. Adrien probably needed a bit of sanity in his life right now.
“Great!” He smiled that sunny smile at her, putting on his seatbelt. “I just hope Nathalie won’t tell my father
”
Alix put on her seatbelt too. Yeah, Adrien’s restrictive life sounded less appealing by the second. Hopefully by being a good friend to him, she could at least cheer him up a little.
-
-
Halfway through her third sandwich, sitting at the end of the long, empty Agreste dining table, it occurred to her that Adrien had shuffled his seat closer. Noticeably closer.
“Thank you for being here,” he said, resting his head on his arm, not even eating.
“Yeah, no problem,” she replied. “I wasn’t exactly having the best day either.”
“I never have a good Valentine’s Day
 but you’ve made it a bit better.”
Well that was depressing. And suspicious, too. Hopefully he wouldn’t

“You’re, um, really cool. Different.” His hand shifted over, ever so slightly, to rest on hers, far too warm to be normal. “I’m really glad you’re here with me, you know
”
“Is this a date?” Alix asked, her mouth still full of sandwich. Adrien blushed.
“If you want
”
Date? Right now that was another word for nightmare. Wait, was this a nightmare? Was she dreaming? Would that explain why today was so unprecedentedly bad? But no, she was wide awake, and all of this was real.
“Well in that case this isn’t a date,” she said.
“Oh, okay.” Adrien’s smile disappeared, and he took his hand back. The rest of the not-date continued in an uncomfortable silence.
-
-
By the time Alix arrived back at school, she had made up her mind that from tomorrow onwards, she was making proper friends with all these kids. It seemed like she didn’t know any of them very well at all, and had also happened to make a lot of them rather sad today. Breaking hearts was nowhere near as fun as it sounded. Perhaps by being friends with them, it would ease the guilt somewhat.
Of course, her day immediately got worse when the monthly stomach cramps hit full force – “monthly” as a loose term, considering she was only 15, and her hormones did not seem to know the meaning of the word month. She rushed into the toilets and hoped she wouldn’t be too late for class.
Running out into the locker room a minute later, she almost bumped right into Ivan, who was towering there as sullen as ever with his phone in one hand and a piece of paper in the other.
“Ivan! Dude, get out of my way, I’m gonna be late for class and I don’t want another detention–”
“I wrote you a song,” Ivan grumbled.
“Uh
”
Without another word, he hit the play button on his phone. Out poured a heavy metal track that would put Kitty Section to shame. Ivan began singing unintelligible lyrics off the piece of paper – well, less like singing, more like screaming.
Alix just grabbed the phone out of his hand and paused the song. “That’s nice, but seriously, I don’t have time. But thank you for this wonderful, sibling-like performance, you’re so much like a brother to me dude, it’s great, I gotta go though. Bye.”
She handed the phone back and ran off, leaving him standing there bewildered. Had that got the message into his brain? Hopefully it had. And hopefully he wasn’t going to get akumatized over it. Dealing with an akuma attack today, on top of everything else, would just be too much.
-
-
She hadn’t been expecting anything more to happen before the end of the school day. Obviously, she was proved wrong when paired up for the next class project and sent off to the school library for research during the last lesson, and immediately began to expect nothing but the worst from her project partner. He did not disappoint.
“So,” Nathaniel mumbled, pulling a book off the shelf and passing it to her. “What’s up?”
“My level of bloodlust.”
His eyes widened. “That sounds like something Jules would say
”
“Jules? Oh, are you friends with Juleka?” She hadn’t expected him to be, considering how he always kept to himself all the time. But Juleka didn’t let just anyone call her Jules.
He shrugged. “A little, maybe?”
Alix pulled up a chair and sat down, plonking the book down on the table without bothering to look at it.  “You’re a bit like me, aren’t you? We’re the leftover classmates.”
He sat down next to her. “We really are
”
“No best friends. No true close bonds.”
“Exactly!”
At least Nath understood. He was different, of course, usually being a full-on loner, not interacting with the others at all. But he knew what it felt like. Maybe, just maybe, he would relate to her in another way too. Maybe he wouldn’t be different at all on this cursed day of this cursed year.
“Can I draw you?” he asked suddenly.
“What?”
His face had gone so red it was blending in with his emo hair. “I
 you’re so
 I mean, I won’t make a comic or anything! Unless you want me to
”
She rolled her eyes. “Yeah whatever, you can draw me. But stop blushing.”
He just blushed even harder.
“You’re still doing it!”
He looked down, his fringe falling to cover almost his entire face. “S-sorry! I can’t help it
”
“No one can, apparently.” It wasn’t blushing she was talking about exactly, and Nath seemed to understand.
“It’s okay, I’m not asking you to be my Valentine,” he said quietly. “I know you don’t like stuff like that.”
“How do you know?”
“Just things I noticed
”
True, he must notice a lot, sitting at the back all quiet. Usually he seemed to have his head in the clouds. But maybe sometimes he paid attention to what was going on down on earth, too.
“You’ll find someone to be your Valentine someday,” Alix said, hoping she didn’t sound too fake. “Now, are you gonna start drawing me or what?”
Nath smiled. “Sure
”
-
-
The school day finally ended. Was the torment over yet? Please say it was. This day had already been too much to bear. But Alix was pulled out of her rather murderous thoughts when she closed her locker to see Alya standing there, leaning against the locker rows, sporting the tell-tale flannel she often wore, and a rather dazzling smile.
“Hey Alix,” she said, throwing out a finger-gun and winking. “You look tired. Well you must be, ‘cause you’ve been skating through my mind all day.”
Alix sighed. “How many more of these have you got?”
“Plenty. If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one. Are you from Tennessee? ‘Cause you’re the only–”
“You sound like Chat Noir.”
“Uh
 is that a good thing or a bad thing?”
“Right now, if I’m being honest, a bad thing.”
Alya grinned. “No problem. I’ll cut down on the bad puns and cut right to the chase. How about dinner?”
“I already have dinner plans, sorry.”
Alya looked at her carefully, even adjusting her glasses slightly. “Are you just saying that because the bad puns put you off?”
“Bad puns or no bad puns, my answer is still no.”
“Hey, fair enough. I hope you have a good dinner, whoever it’s with!”
Out of everyone who had asked today, Alya had the most genuine smile on her face after being turned down. Alix smiled back, more genuine than usual too, and gave her a friendly punch in the arm. “You too. See you tomorrow.”
Alya waved and walked off happily. Was she seriously okay with it? Or was she just acting? In any case, Alix put her bag over her shoulders and started walking off too – home, finally!
Well, almost. She was almost across the courtyard when Max caught up with her.
“Alix, there you are!”
She allowed her spirits to lift ever so slightly. Max liked dudes, right? At least, she thought so. She wasn’t 100% sure. But maybe he would be the first person today to not bother trying anything, and her day wouldn’t be a total disaster after all.
Of course, that was too much to ask for.
“I have a scientific experiment I need your help with!” he said. “Markov isn’t around, right? No? Good
 alright, listen
” He lowered his voice. “I have never experienced an actual Valentine’s Day date before, and before I actually ask someone I have any interest in, I think it would be beneficial to go through a practice run with someone else first so that I know what to do, just as an experimental thing, and–”
“Are you asking me out?”
“Hypothetically speaking, yes.”
At least he didn’t sound very nervous about it, which was better than could be said for pretty much everyone else.
“You don’t need a practice run,” Alix said. “Just go for it.”
“But I need something first to build my expectations on! I can’t just ask out Ki– uh, someone else who I actually like, without first experiencing what such a thing would be like myself
”
“Is there, um, anyone else you can ask for help? Anyone who isn’t me?”
Max sighed. “You’re refusing, aren’t you? I understand. It’s fine.”
“Look dude, it’s not personal, it’s just–”
“You are uninterested in the fundamental concept of Valentine’s Day whatsoever, yes, I know. Come to think of it, I don’t even know why I asked you in the first place. I suppose perhaps I thought your objective point of view might help give me some perspective.”
“Uh
 yeah.”
He smiled. “Well, I hope you have a good day anyway. I’ll find someone else.” Speeding up, he walked past her and out of the doors.
Alright, well that was all her classmates. Every single one of them. Surely, surely there couldn’t possibly be anyone else now. People in other classes were terrified of her, there was no way. From here on she could make it home without any more grief, without any other awkward advances, without–
“Alix! Has Max already left?”
That robotic voice flooded her with relief. She turned to see Markov whizzing over.
“Hey Markov!” she said, fist-bumping him as he came to a stop in front of her. “Yeah, Max just left.”
“Ah, I thought so. I feel like on Valentine’s Day I should leave him be to have his own adventures.”
Oh, thank goodness for Markov. He was a robot. Unlike every human she knew, Markov would feel the same way about this day that she did.
“Can I talk to you about something?” she asked.
“Of course!”
“Cool. Well, I’ve just had a really weird day. My classmates don’t even care about me that much, I’m not that close with any of them, but they all seem to have crushes on me
 why? How? Like, how does that even happen? What do they see in me? What’s the point?”
Markov was silent for a few moments, processing all that, before speaking. “Romantic attraction appears to be a rather unintuitive, arbitrary human emotion. I will spare all the technical details. But in many cases, it is not necessary to know the subject well to experience attraction to them. The attraction itself involves a desire to want to get to know the subject better, much like regular friendship.”
So her classmates wanted to know her, just as she wanted to know them. They were just a bit more
 sappy about it.
“As for why they all seem to like you in particular, well, there are many reasons!” Markov continued, his internal fans whirring a little louder. “As you are slightly more withdrawn, there is a mysterious charm! And yet you still have a friendly personality, and one that is spirited too. And
”
Dark blue blush circles were creeping up under his cheeks, his volume lowering.
“
while beauty is subjective, I would argue that you are rather
 well, I believe the colloquial term is ‘hot’, though that denotes temperature
 though perhaps that’s why my internal drives appear to be overheating
”
No way. No way. Alix just stared, unable to believe what she was seeing.
“Is this what it feels like?” Markov was saying now, the blush spreading all over his face. “I
 I suppose I understand now
”
“If I ever meet the real Cupid,” Alix said, her hands curling up into fists, “I’m gonna strangle him.”
“What? Why?”
“He seems to think it’s funny to shoot his arrows at everyone and make them all fall for the one person he never shot anything at, ever.”
“Are you speaking in metaphors? I have trouble understanding those sometimes. It’s so poetic though, I would have no objections if you continued
”
His dotted eyes were slowly transforming into hearts, and Alix had had quite enough.
“That’s it. I’m not talking to anyone else for the rest of the day. I’m going home.”
“Oh
 well have a good day!”
She ignored him and strode right out of the school doors.
-
-
Home sweet home, at last. Her father was out working late, Jalil was spending the night with some bae from uni, so Alix had the house to herself. She grabbed a bucket of ice cream from the freezer, went to her room, and turned on the TV to pick a good movie.
Oh, how nice it was to be alone! Being the class’s third wheel had never been fun, and being the class’s collective crush was even worse. At least the one person she could always count on was herself.
Well
 it was a little lonely in here. It was Valentine’s Day, after all. As much as she hated to admit it, she didn’t want to spend it all by herself. For the first time her brother wasn’t here to hang out with, so someone or something else would have to do

She picked up her rollerskates and lay back on the bed in front of the TV, holding them close. If there was one thing she could always, always count on, it was these skates. They had been with her through countless races, countless challenges, the very best and the very worst of times, even being akumatized along with her.
She helped herself to a scoop of ice cream and curled up around the skates, waiting for the movie to begin.
“Someday I’ll find a real friend to spend this day with, someone like me,” she whispered to them. “But in the meantime, you’ll have to do. Happy Valentine’s Day.”
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pruzan · 4 years ago
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hello liv !! i hope you’re doing wonderfully and, if not, i hope things get much better for you going forward 💗
i’m in need of some advice, if you’re comfortable sharing !! i saw your recent post abt how you’re greyaro, and i was wondering how you came to that conclusion? i’ve always thought i was aro/ace (like ... since i was 11, and i’m almost 18 now), but was always brushed off because i was too young, i simply haven’t met the right person, etc., all valid criticisms of course, so i waited ... and i know i’m still very young and haven’t even seen a fraction of what life has to offer, but it seems like nothing has changed. i’ve never had a crush (at least, on a real person ... fictional characters are another story lol), and in fact, i’m very in love with romance as a CONCEPT, when it’s a story/poem/movie/etc., but the idea of actually practicing it is ... gross, ngl. even the idea of KISSING someone (let alone all the other stuff) grosses me out, i cringe whenever i see a couple kiss, whether that’s fictional or irl, simply because it doesn’t appeal to me.
i’ve had many guy friends have feelings for me and all it does is make me uncomfortable, because ... i want to just have friends, i’m not interested in anyone, platonic relationships in practice mean a lot more to me than romantic relationships. but then again, i also do crave falling in love and finding my soulmate, tho i don’t know if that’s because i WANT to or because that’s what’s expected of me, if that makes sense?
i don’t know if i worded myself correctly, and you’re completely free to not respond, of course !! if anything, i’m just grateful to get all this off my chest, lol, you’re quite a safe space for people to just ... speak and know they’re not going to be met with judgment, you’re amazing that way 💗
!!! hello my sweet anon !!!!! 💗  i’m doing alright today!!! thank you for checking in!!!!!
and thank you for trusting me enough to share your thoughts and ask for some advice!!! i don’t mind sharing at all!!! especially if there’s a chance it might help somehow!!! i’m putting it under a ‘read more’ because it ended up getting a little long (sorry about that)!!! 💗
honestly!!! i felt really similarly to how you’re feeling now!!!  i never really dated in middle and high school.  a part of me wanted to! i had crushes on people, and i loved the idea of being in a romantic relationship, but i got asked out several times and i got anxious about it every single time. there was once or twice when i was younger when i said yes to being somebody’s girlfriend, but i just ended up panicking about it for several days until i broke it off. 
i didn’t really think about it a whole lot! each time i said yes to someone asking me out, i hadn’t had a crush on them for very long before that, and i thought maybe i was just moving into things too fast and that’s why i was uncomfortable. or they just weren’t right for me. also! i have an anxiety disorder! and i was sure that played into things too. dating was new to me, and new things make me nervous. i figured i’d get older and come into my own and things would settle down.
but it kept happening!  every time i got asked out, it would fill me with an overwhelming sense of dread. it would reduce me to tears. i hated it. and it didn’t matter who asked! there were times where i was sure i had a crush on someone, but then they made a move on me, and it was like a switch flipped. the attraction was gone, just like that. i didn’t understand it. i thought maybe that’s just what relationships were like. that they all started out uncomfortable, and if i pushed through it, i’d come out on the other side and i’d actually enjoy them. but i really didn’t want to do that!
i ended up browsing the arospec tags more and more. i came across the term ‘lithromantic’ and kept that in the back of my mind for a long time.  i’ve always developed crushes on people! but when it came to the people around me that i crushed on, it never felt good when it was acted on. and when it came to unattainable people that i crushed on, like celebrities and fictional characters, i started to think that i liked them because they were unattainable, which meant they were safe.
and honestly, i might have stuck with ‘lithromantic’ as a label, but i started leaning towards grey aro / grey ace because i ended up having two positive experiences with romance and affection! they’re a little long so i won’t include them and make this response any longer than it already is but! if you’re curious to hear about them just lemme know! all that really matters is! they helped me realize that you’re supposed to enjoy romantic relationships. when it’s right, it will feel right. and yeah, it might make you nervous! but it’ll be a different kind of nervous. when i had these positive experiences, i wasn’t filled with dread like i had been previously. i was happy! i was excited! i realized that all my previous experiences weren’t just me being anxious, or me being too picky, or me trying to self sabotage my romantic relationships by making a big deal out of things that weren’t a big deal, they really were not right for me. my positive experiences helped me realize that i am capable of romantic attraction, but it’s few and far between. it’s the exception, not the rule.
so. everything you’re saying makes PERFECT sense.  i get it. i get it!!! 
it can be a process to figure out, but i wanna share a few things that have helped me on my journey. and hopefully they will help you too !!!
1. i said this before, but i wanna reiterate it !!! romantic relationships are supposed to be enjoyable for you. they’re supposed to bring something to your life. they’re supposed to be fun! you’re supposed to like the person that you’re with, and look forward to being with them! and obviously relationships will have rough patches, things won’t be perfect all the time, but at the very core of it, you should feel good. if you don’t, then there is no reason to be in one. i used to think that i was missing out because i wasn’t dating when everyone else was, but you’re not missing out if you don’t want it in the first place!
2. you can adore romance and still be arospec !!! it really is a spectrum, and there are so many places to fall on it. like! i love romance SO MUCH. i talk about it. i write about it. i read about it. i watch movies and tv shows about it. i crave it for myself !!! and i’m still arospec!!! some arospec people love it, some hate it, some want it, some are repulsed by it !!! some are all of the above, just depends on the day! and there is no wrong way to be. if you like it, if you want it too, that’s okay. if you’re not sure if you want it, that’s okay too! it’s okay to explore that !!! regardless of what answer you come to, it doesn’t mean that you can’t be arospec. 
3. i think if i waited until i was 100% sure that i was arospec before identifying as grey aro, i wouldn’t ever. there was a very long period of time where i held off on using the label because i thought maybe in a year, two years, three years, i’d date more and i’d have good experiences and i’d realize that i was wrong. but there will always be the possibility that i’ll date more and i’ll decide that i’m not arospec. and that’s okay. i’ve been using the label for about 6 months now and it feels right to me. it feels like it makes sense. but ultimately! it’s okay if one day i feel like it doesn’t! it’s okay if i do change my mind one day! it’s okay if i decide that i was wrong! it’s okay if i decide that maybe i was arospec for a while but i’m not anymore! our identities are fluid. we grow and we adapt and we change, and there is nothing wrong with that. it does not invalidate who we are or who we think we are or who we were or who we thought we were. 
this has been a very long way of me saying !!!  my journey was long, and it is ongoing! and it is okay if you are in the same boat! it is okay if you’re not sure, it is okay if you are never sure! the most important thing is trusting yourself and doing what you feel is right. sometimes that looks like talking things out. sometimes that looks like trying labels on. sometimes that looks like not dating. there is no wrong answer here !!! 
i’m sorry again that this got so long, my friend !!!  but i wish you luck as you explore who you are and what you want, and i hope that you know i will always be here to offer advice or support whenever you need it!!! 💗
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