#/also i dont care about proofreading so sry for my grammar

[felicja-j]

so i’m annoyed stressed upset and every possible negative emotion ever plus i’ve had three cups of coffee and i need to rant so yeah, this won’t make sense, i just need to write my emotions out

art

it’s - obviously - something important and dear to me. i like the idea of being able to create, to put my ideas into life, to have no boundaries, cause whatever i imagine, i can draw that, there’s no impossibles and no rules, it all comes down to me

i guess i consider art as an outlet. if i’m feeling a certain way, you can bet it’s gonna somehow show in my art, some days more clearly than others, but it’s always there. whether it’s the theme, the colours, or sometimes even i clearly draw something explicitly happy or the opposite, just to let my emotions out. i don’t consider myself an amazingly creative or talented person, i don’t do well with symbolism or metaphors, so my pieces are pretty self explanatory and straightforward, but i don’t really care much, it’s an outlet

i’ve never been a very confident person. i know my own boundaries and i’m not what i’d consider “talented”. but, no matter how good or bad my art has been, i’ve always had a sense of pride and accomplishment when finishing something. the feeling of “i did it” and “i created this out of nothing, i can and should feel proud”

and then, i started sharing my art online

at first, i didn’t really think much of it. i just thought that i’m in a good enough place artistically to show my work to others. any feedback i got, i was incredibly glad and happy and thankful - i still am. it’s a wonderful feeling to have someone genuinely appreciate a creation of mine

but, i guess, over time, i started to inevitably compare myself to other artists. because their work looks so much better, and they get so much more attention, and everyone praises them while me? not so much. and that is incredibly selfish, but??? i think everyone wants to feel appreciated. if you spend a great amount of time and effort on something, you want to be told you did a good job, or that someone likes it, just anything. so, if anyone else does, and you don’t? you must be doing something wrong, right?

and that’s why this website gives me such, idk, anxiety, or worries, about what i do. cause, even though notes don’t speak of your skill at all, i find myself with a subconscious mentality of “if this thing has that little notes, it’s not very good is it” if it’s one piece, then okay, maybe it just doesn’t look good, i can try to do better next time. but if it’s a few, or there’s a visible downgrade in numbers, i hate to admit but i feel bad

i feel genuinely bad when i spend hours and hours on something, put a lot of effort into it, and then it gets little to no attention. i honestly don’t really care about numbers, it’s just that i’ve adopted the mentality that they speak of my skill.

i no longer feel proud of what i make. sometimes there come time periods where i forget i’m supposed to create for Myself. i’ve lost that somewhere along the way, i hate to be a people pleaser but i am, i want to create something that will be appreciated.

i know this comes off very badly, cause honestly, let’s face it - i’m not really good. there’s about a thousand ways in which i need to improve, which is why i hate the way i feel about it. social media is toxic in that regard and i hate the way i envy the attention i really don’t deserve that much.

all i honestly want is to get rid of this. to be able to post my art and still be proud regardless of how many people see it. i want to feel good about myself and about my art, to have a sense of accomplishment not failure.

lately all i’ve been feeling towards my art were negative feelings, and i don’t want that. i want to get this outta my head, it’s the only thing i’m kinda good at and i don’t want my passion to rely on numbers.

it’s something i need to privately work on, and it’ll probably be a long while until i can stop feeling bitter and hateful towards myself when seeing a drawing with just a few notes. i hate to make a post about it, cause i come off as unappreciative - the thing is, i really do appreciate everyone, every reblog or comment. it means a world to see someone excited about my art when i’m in tears about it.

the thing is, i have a nasty habit of being generally negative, and it’s something i need to get rid of cause it’s ruining my ability to create. my hope is that someday i can stop feeling bad just because that and that person liked but not reblogged my art so maybe it looks bad, or this only got ten notes, or this person gets so much more attention so maybe i’m just not good enough

this is in no way a “pls reblog/like my art it means a lot”, more like,,,,, a vent diary entry and just a post that i can hopefully look back at sometime in the future and be able to say that things changed and i’ve gotten rid of negative feelings and i look positive at my art and can honestly say that i’m proud of myself