elzbthsays

[elzbthsays]

re: shallow breaths

today I took many shallow breaths. trouble breathing? breathing is a gift. to take gulps of air, like a swimmer breaching water. i wish i had gills sometimes.

[elzbthsays]

I come back to tumblr after months away (in a better mindspace) and now there are ads everywhere in my face all the time (all at once) ugh

[elzbthsays]

When people say they love you but their actions prove anything but

[elzbthsays]

google, how to get rid of this ___

[elzbthsays]

everything feels heavy

[elzbthsays]

trying very hard to not let the intrusive thoughts win

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sometimes I feel as though the Lord has taken away all my friends and bearings so that I can see the way more clearly. but it is so painful, this loneliness

[elzbthsays]

this is a very difficult thing to understand.

Philip Yancey

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All About Love, bell hooks | Snow and Dirty Rain, Richard Siken

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life is not speed, but direction

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Sylvia Plath, from The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

[elzbthsays]

I cast my anxieties on You

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Been having intrusive thoughts - banishing them with a healthy dose of prayer and productive work - such as watching squid game - not a perfect show by any means - some annoying plot holes or things that just don’t make sense but it has some brilliant moments - life feels like that sometimes. Arbitrary, violent, meaningless

[elzbthsays]

re: a beautiful day

It’s mid-September. After a few weeks of off-on rainy weather, the past few days have been unusually warmer. The sun’s out today, but not the stifling sort. It’s accompanied with clear skies and a good breeze, so the air doesn’t feel so stifling. Sitting indoors, however, feels exceptionally suffocating. 

It’s a waste of a beautiful day to be indoors. Part of me wants to be reckless. We’re still in a panini, which the government says is to be ‘endemic’, whatever they mean by that. So we waste beautiful days by staying indoors, breathing recycled air, thinking recycled thoughts, feeling recycled feelings. 

The ceiling fan in my room stopped working one day and we haven’t got it fixed. It’s been months. I tried using one of those tornado fans but it’s so noisy and not in the good white noise kind of way, either. So I sit, and stew, in the silent, breeze-less air. 

Most days, it is fine and I even enjoy it. But not on a beautiful day like today. 

[elzbthsays]

re: September

“The windows are open, admitting the September breeze: a month that smells like notepaper and pencil shavings, autumn leaves and car oil. A month that smells like progress, like moving on.” - Lauren Oliver

September has always been one of my favourite months. There’s just something magical about this time of year… when the bulk of the year has been over and done with but we’re not quite at the end yet. It’s the beginning of fall in many parts of the world - here it signals the start of the monsoon, rainy season where everyone can finally break out that uniqlo parka.

Last September… was freedom. I’d left a toxic job environment and was finally healing from some personal traumas. Truly, healing. I remember lying on the living floor late one night, just listening to the rain pelter onto a tired earth, like mother nature’s most calming white noise speaker on full blast. A year on… and we are still in the throes of the pandemic - albeit vaccinated… which makes it better? Worse?? I honestly can’t tell anymore.

Every time we have hope of things getting better, it’s like the cosy rug is yanked from under our feet. I hate whining about the situation though, because it is the most useless thing to do. I’ve been keeping busy with work, while still making sure to fill my soul with good things. Could do better though.

Here’s hoping to a better rest of the month.

[elzbthsays]

I miss when tumblr was a thing……

[elzbthsays]

Joan Didion: The Center Will Not Hold (Griffin Dunne, 2017)