#/[bi bi bi by NSYNC plays in the distance]/

[thedeliverygod]

my experiences as an ace person

specfically, I'm a bi-romantic asexual but I do tend to lean towards guys more so. also my gender identity is forever up in the air I never know what fits best but I imagine I fall somewhere along the lines of agender or genderfluid.

growing up, I didn't really have very many crushes (and usually if I had one, it was because I thought they liked me first). I especially didn't get celebrity crushes [I grew up in the 90s, aka the golden years of boy bands and as a afab person I was like... assumed to have a favorite/crush on at least one of the boys from Backstreet Boys and NSYNC but I really didn't so I just kind of... picked one. aka the most obvious ones, being Nick and Justin.] And then of course there was like the whole like brad pitt obsession and I was just like ???

in middle school it just kind of got worse my friends always had their crushes that they would want to talk about and I would just be like umm... Sora? from Kingdom Hearts? because honestly I do love him hahah but thats mainly because of personality (although he did get aesthetically beautiful later on especially with KH3) and thankfully my friends did not consider me a weirdo and went along with it

of course my mom's boyfriend's daughter who was very much boy obsessed and a few years older than me was the first one to ask if I was a lesbian, because I never talked about boys. my parents also both confessed to me they believed I was a lesbian

my first (and so far only) boyfriend was also an interesting story. we met online in middle school and started dating junior year of high school. then finally met winter of senior year (we lived 8 hours apart something like that). so obviously our physical relationship didn't start until after I essentially already knew him extremely well.

because I was younger and doing new things was exciting, I guess I took my eagerness to do sexual things as sexual attraction so as soon as I found out about the term "demisexual" I latched on to it. For those who don't know, demisexual means that you don't develop a sexual attraction until you form a deep emotional bond with someone.

Skip forward many years later when I was older and more sure of myself & had read a lot more about asexuality, I realized that fit me more. My boyfriend had always been frustrated by the fact that I really didn't care in terms of our lack of sexual activity due to being in a long distance relationship. I also had no urgency to "catch up" when we were together. So I went to explain to my boyfriend that I believed I was asexual.

He was devastated. He of course took this as an attack to himself? I explained multiple times that this didn't change anything about our relationship, I still loved him very much, it was just a label that I found comfort in and that it made sense with aspects of my life. No matter what I said he was upset. Eventually I essentially said never mind.

Cue his attempts to boost my libido and spice our sex life. I hated this. I hated everything about this. Basically all of this was about him, even though he tried to convince me it was for me. As soon as we broke up, I threw all of this shit out. But he bought me a cheap vibrator (honestly like probably the worst one you can get haha--though I'll admit this is the one thing I kept until I got a better one), a realistic looking dildo, and some sort of pillow that the dildo can like go into so you can sit up on it. oh and he got me some "horny goat weed" natural supplement stuff thats supposed to boost your libido. didn't do shit for me lol. so we used this stuff when he visited me but also when he left he kept begging me to make videos for him using these things on myself on an extremely regular basis. I didn't mind doing these type of videos every once in a while but he was starting to essentially pressure me into doing it like what felt like once a week and I began to just fucking hate everything about these objects like I said.

our relationship went down the tubes for various other issues but I'm sure deep down that played a part.

post relationship/single-life ace experiences:

-"omg did you see that hot client who brought in fluffy" "what" "OMG HOW DID YOU NOT SEE HIM--LOOK RIGHT THERE" "who" "ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW"

-hating dating websites because a lot of them focus on literally just pictures when ......... sure aesthetic is nice but like ????? give me details about the person??????? like wtf

-honestly not even being sure of how to bring up being asexual to potential partners because I haven't been on a date yet

-being single for almost 5 years now because lol what is dating [though good news folks I am actively talking to 2 people from a dating app finally its a miracle]

-constantly being in shock in how fast my dad finds new partners as an allosexual person even after my stepmom literally died [his new gf seems like a wonderful person and he's really happy but wow I just had whiplash to the max when he told me]