#//still gonna be shitty sometimes i bet but at least i can finally do basic things

[astralfist]

-fruity pinocchio vc-

I'M ALIVE!!!!!!!

AND I FINALLY UPGRADED MY NET, SO NOW EVERYTHING WORKS

[keanureevesisbae]

But professor… - c.5

Summary: A few weeks have gone by. How are Penny and Walter doing?

Professor!Walter Marshall x Penny Townsend (Asian ofc)

Wordcount: 5k

Warnings: Some sweet love making (sex, fingering, blowjob - yes, it’s sweet love making)

Masterlist // But professor… masterlist // Previous chapter // Next chapter

Five weeks have gone by. It’s been five whole weeks since Walter and I kissed for the first time. My days are spend mostly in the library, sometimes in my own dorm or—and this is my favorite—with Walter in his loft. I love spending time in his loft, because there aren’t any loud students in the hallways, obviously intoxicated and think they’re funny by knocking at my door and telling me they’ll pee against it. It’s just him and me in his loft, together with some soft lofi music in the background as he continues to make food for me, totally spoil me with everything I want and basically help me with all my assignments.

I haven’t told anyone about us. As if there are people who—beside my parents—I could tell. How do you even bring it up? ‘Hi, my name is Penny and I kiss my criminology professor almost on a daily basis and I’m totally and utterly in love with him?

Nope, that is not gonna work.

There are many things I love about us spending time together. The attentive way he pays attention to everything I say. How he sits with me on the couch, helping me get through my assignments, but also to check out different cosmetology schools for me to maybe enroll. I still haven’t quite decided yet whether or not I want to do that.

I mean, I want to, but how do I sell this grand idea to my parents, who really want me to go to NYU and finish my major?

But maybe it’s the way he takes care of me that I love the most about it all. It sounds so codependent, I know, but there is no one who ever gave me attention like this, not even my parents. My parents didn’t understand my love for embroidery, for nail art and doing my hair. They didn’t understand I wanted a sewing machine for my sixteenth birthday, instead of a car.

No guy in my life went out of his way for me. No breakfast in bed, no asking permission whether or not he could touch me and no one who was willing to put up with all my anxious thoughts.

Walter on the other hand, he does it all. He understands my love for embroidery (he even allowed me to put some on his shirt), he lets me try out products on his hair and takes his sweet time with me.

Today, the long weekend starts, meaning we have time off from Friday till Tuesday. It’s Friday night when I’m finally back at my dorm. I open the door and when I want to lock it once I’m inside, it doesn’t seem to work.

That’s weird.

I might not have any knowledge when it comes to this, but I quickly come to the conclusion that it only works when I lock it from the outside, not the inside.

Great, it’s Friday night and the thought alone of me spending the night with a door that doesn’t lock, causes shivers down my spine. I grab my phone and call the only one I can think of.

‘Hi princess, what’s up?’ Walter asks as he answers the phone.

My heart shouldn’t skip a beat or two, but it does. It always does. ‘My lock isn’t working properly,’ I say, trying to lock my door again, but still nothing seems to happens. ‘It only locks and unlocks from the outside.’

‘Hm, we can’t call a locksmith right now,’ he says. ‘You’re not sleeping there tonight. Go pack your stuff, lock the door and then tomorrow we’ll call someone to check it out. I’d absolutely hate it if you were to stay there.’

I smile. ‘Okay.’

‘I’ll pick you up at the station. I’ll text you when I’m there and when you leave, share your location.’

✎ ✎ ✎

Just to make sure that I am not stepping in a car with a serial killer, I check once more if Walter really is in the truck. Through the droplets of water on my glasses I find it hard to focus, but seeing that smile, makes me realize I’ve got the right truck. I open the door and get in.

‘Hello,’ I say with a smile. ‘I’m so sorry that I look like a drowned kitten. New York weather isn’t too kind on me.’

‘Nonsense,’ he chuckles. ‘Drowned kitten or not, you look absolutely adorable. Now come here and give me a kiss.’ He leans into my direction and I meet him half way to press a long kiss on his lips. ‘You’re so beautiful, princess,’ he whispers against my lips, before he starts up the truck. As he drives off the vacant parking lot, he places his hand on my thigh.

‘It was quite hard to find the car,’ I admit. ‘In all my hastiness I forgot to put in my lenses and my glasses don’t come with wipers.’

He smiles. ‘I missed your glasses. They look so sweet on you.’

‘You think?’

‘Yes,’ he says without thinking. ‘Can’t believe your lock doesn’t work. What a shitty dorm you stay in.’

‘Kinda.’

I don’t know if he’s consciously doing or not, but his hand pushes up my dress. He places his hand a little above my knee. ‘Is this okay, princess?’

‘Yes,’ I say. Thankfully the truck allows me to scoot over a little and place my head on his shoulder. I wrap my arms around his thick one and let out a content sigh as I take in his cologne. ‘Thank you for picking me up,’ I whisper. ‘For protecting me.’

‘Oh, that’s only natural,’ he says.

When we’re at his apartment building, I finally am able to hold his hand as we walk up to the elevator. I hate this part of his apartment, since it’s partially underground and it’s really dark to get to the elevator. Walter holds my backpack in his other hand and squeezes my fingers. The second he closes the door of his loft, he carefully places my bag on the floor, before he helps me out of my coat.

‘Ah, princess, you’re cold.’

I don’t really care. I stand on my toes to give him a kiss, a long one. I’ve been yearning for his touch the entire day. We’re taking it slow—painfully slowly for that matter—but maybe it’s a good thing we do. Two weeks ago, he gave me a kiss, his hand sliding down from my lower back to my ass, which caused me to stiffen up completely. It’s ridiculous. I love it when he touches me, when he pulls me on his lap and he gives me intense kisses.

Yet I sometimes stiffen up completely.

My fingers push up his sweater and I touch his bare sides. He holds my face in his rough hands, softly caressing my cheeks. ‘Princess, wait a minute. As much as I want this, I don’t want to force you.’ He pushes some stray baby hairs out of my face. ‘You’re tense.’

‘I’m not tense,’ I tell him.

‘You kinda are, sweetheart.’

I let out a sigh. ‘Okay, maybe I am a little, but that is just because I’m nervous. I want this with you, Water. I trust you, it’s just that no one has ever seen me naked before.’

He nods, pecking my forehead. ‘We can just take a shower first,’ he suggests. ‘But only if you want. I need you to be honest with me.’

‘I want this with you,’ I whisper. ‘I really do. A shower sounds great.’

‘Allow me to show you the way.’

✎ ✎ ✎

The water is running and Walter’s already in the shower. I saw him naked and he is… Big, tall and broad in all sorts of ways to say the least. I mean, I’ve seen some porn and while I am aware that’s fake and unrealistic, I’m kinda confused now.

Walter comes so close to it, what if it isn’t fake?

I take off my vest, before I shred myself from my other pieces of clothing. I watch as my lacy pink underwear drops to the floor and I take a deep breath.

I want this, no need to be nervous. It’s just Walter. He told me I’m beautiful many many times, that won’t change when he sees me like this, right? He saw me in my underwear once, that time I changed into his shirt right before we went bed. I remember him smirking, whispering I was so damn gorgeous and that if I wanted, I should just sleep next to him like this.

I open the shower curtain, causing Walter to turn around and he smiles widely when his eyes land on me. He holds out his hand, so he can help me in the cubicle. My eyes dart around, anywhere but to him.

‘If you don’t want to do this,’ he whispers, ‘just tell me.’ He places his hands on my upper arms and adds: ‘Princess, I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. Really, we can take as much time as you want.’

‘I want this,’ I whisper. ‘Really, I do.’

He nods. ‘I think,’ he says, ‘you are absolutely breathtaking. There is no one out there who can compete with you.’

‘Thank you,’ I say in a soft tone, finally looking into his eyes. ‘You’re handsome.’

He buffs out his hairy chest and I place my hands on it as I let out a nervous chuckle. ‘I want you to breath, Penny.’

‘I am breathing.’

‘No,’ he chuckles, ‘you’re holding your breath. There is absolutely no need to be nervous. It’s just me.’

‘It’s not just you,’ I say. ‘You’re my professor, my boyfriend.’

He nods. ‘Don’t you worry about that, you already got your straight A,’ he jokes.

I wrap my arms around his waist and I hide my face in his chest. ‘You know, I’ve been thinking about going to cosmetology school, so your grade doesn’t really matter anyway.’

‘How are you gonna tell your parents?’

‘I don’t know,’ I whisper. ‘You helped me with figuring out who I am, I bet you’ll help me with this as well. Besides, if I do cosmetology school, I can start in February.’

‘You’re gonna finish your semester here?’

I shrug. ‘I don’t know. I’m not sure yet.’

‘Well, whatever you do, know that I’m proud of you. And when you leave your dorm, you can stay here for the time being. Is better for my heart anyways, I don’t like you staying in those sleazy dorms.’

I can’t help but smile. ‘You’re too sweet.’ I place my chin on his chest and he leans down to give me a peck on my lips. His kisses continue to be soft, causing goosebumps to appear on my entire skin. His touches are light, his hands squeezing in the soft flesh of my hips. ‘The second you feel uncomfortable,’ he says again, ‘you tell me. I don’t want to hurt you.’

‘I know, Walter.’ I hold his face in between my hands, pulling him in for another kiss. The warm stream of water massages my back, as Walter pulls me closer to him. I softly gasp for air as my chest is firmly pressed against his. His lips descend from my mouth to my nape and I’m pretty sure he is leaving marks.

‘Does that feel good, princess?’

‘It does,’ I whimper, as a buzzing warmth starts to form between my legs.

His hands slide up from my hips to my waist and they stay underneath my breasts, his thumbs slightly touching them. ‘Can I?’

I nod. ‘Please, please, yes.’

‘We’re already getting a little needy?’ he chuckles, as his hands cup my breasts. His thumbs toy with my stiffened nipples and I squeal of the unfamiliar sensation. ‘That’s my girl,’ he says with a smile, before giving me a long kiss on my lips. ‘You have no idea how lucky I am.’

✎ ✎ ✎

Walter has carried me to his bed, not caring to dry off either of our bodies. I could sense it in the shower, him becoming more and more desperate. His hands kneading into my flesh, his kisses growing rougher and him pushing my back against the cold shower wall, left him with a satisfied grin as I finally made a little bit of sound.

He has spread my legs, kissing the sensitive skin of my inner thighs. He wraps his strong arms around my hips, his broad shoulders preventing me from closing my legs together. ‘Can you relax for me?’ he asks me, his hot breath against my throbbing slit.

‘I’m very relaxed,’ I say in a hoarse tone.

‘Unclench those fists for me then,’ he says and only then I realize my hands are balled into fists. ‘I want you to enjoy it, okay?’

‘Okay,’ I whisper. ‘What do I do with my hands?’

He smiles. ‘Run them through my hair,’ he says. ‘Can you do that for me?’

I nod, reaching down with my hands to grab some of his soft hair. ‘I don’t look hideous?’

Walter places his head against my inner thigh, looking up with nearly a pained expression. ‘Princess, why would you say that?’

I shrug. ‘Just a question.’

‘You’re beautiful, every part of you.’ He lets his tongue slide through my slit, before he wraps his lips around my clit. My back arches off the mattress and when the vibrations of his groans hit my sensitive bud, I let out a moan. Faster than my own shadow, I place a hand over my mouth, hoping to muffle out those sounds.

‘No, princess,’ he says, looking up. ‘Don’t do that. I want to hear those pretty sounds.’

It’s hard to let go. It’s hard to make sounds, to let him know how he makes me feel. ‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper. ‘I can’t.’

‘Why not?’

‘I… I don’t know.’

‘You’re doing great, sweetheart. Nothing to be embarrassed about.’ He gives my thighs a reassuring squeeze, before he dives back in, this time hungrier than before. I can’t help but clench my thighs together, nearly crushing his head between them. I pull his hair, as his tongue draws circles around my clit.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, I think to myself. This feels so foreign, so—

A sob leaves my lips, interrupting my thoughts as my toes start to curl. My hips buck up and an unfamiliar feeling washes over me. This tension I had stored in my entire body, nearly slips out of my body, as I shake on the bed. Tears run over my cheeks and I hide my face in my hands. ‘Stop, please, stop,’ I whimper.

I can’t see what Walter’s doing, but I feel the bed dip beside me. ‘Princess,’ he whispers to me, his arm wrapping around my waist, ‘you did so well for me.’

I press my legs together, as I catch my breath. ‘Walter, it’s sensitive.’

Walter pushes some strands of my hair back, before peeling my hands from my face.  ‘It usually is. I almost think you never masturbated before.’

My cheeks burn up and I hate that he can see it. ‘I have, but… Never orgasmed before.’

He gives me a kiss and says: ‘I see, I see. How did it feel?’

‘It felt good,’ I whisper, before I clear my throat.

Walter must sense my insecurities, because his tone is soft when he says: ‘I’m proud of you.’ He does all the right things for me to relax. His fingertips draw figures on my skin, he kisses the left over tears away and whispers sweet little nothings in my ear, almost as if he wants to sooth me. ‘Do you want to continue?’

‘I do, I do,’ I quickly say.

Walter moistens his fingers between his lips, before he reaches down. My hips involuntarily buck up as they brush passed my sensitive clit, earning myself a low chuckle from Walter. As he gently pushes in one finger as he lays beside me, I wrap my arm around his shoulders. ‘Kiss me,’ I whisper.

He obliges without letting a second, slamming his plump lips on mine. I melt against him, his warmth radiating against my body. He pushes in another finger, slowly stretching me out as I whimper against his lips.

‘You’re doing great, sweetheart,’ he tells me, when he feels my digits wrapped around his thick wrist. ‘You feel so good around my fingers.’

I don’t even think about it, but the words: ‘I need you,’ leave my lips before I know it.

‘You do now?’

Oh, we’re getting cocky?

He pumps in his fingers, in a slow pace. ‘Good thing I need you too.’ His thumb brushes against my clit and when I clench around his fingers and I feel that same feeling bubbling up deep inside me, he stops. Pulls out his fingers and I let out a whine. ‘Want me to use a condom, darling?’

I nod. I might be inexperienced, but I am not that daft to risk a pregnancy. Especially since I’m not on the pill. He grabs one from the bedside table, rolls it on and sits in between my legs.

I don’t want to say it, but I worry. He is big and I have no idea if it’s gonna fit. What if it hurts? Oh no, what if I’m one of those women that start bleeding during her first time? Leave it up to me to bleed a gallon and having to go to the emergency room.

‘Okay, you need to get out of your head,’ he says, as he teases his tip near my aching entrance. ‘Don’t you worry a thing, okay?’

‘I’ll try, Walter,’ I say in a shaky tone. ‘What if it hurts?’

‘Then you tell me,’ he says, squeezing my leg. ‘Princess, it would help if you stopped worrying.’

‘I’m trying,’ I say. ‘I really am.’ This is not the time to cry, Penny. Don’t you dare—

It’s too late. A hot tear rolls over my cheek, followed by many more and Walter quickly pulls me up. I sit on his thick legs, his arms wrapped tightly around me. ‘We can stop, Penny,’ he says. ‘We really can.’

I shake my head. ‘I don’t want to,’ I whisper. ‘I’m just afraid it’ll hurt.’

He nods. ‘We’ll take it slow, okay? We have the entire night. Heck, we have the entire weekend.’

‘But I want to do it now,’ I say. In a softer tone I add: ‘I want you, Walter. I need you.’

He gently places me on my back again, nearly suffocating me with kisses, causing me to laugh. With his lips locked on mine, he pushes in his tip. I dig my nails in his strong back. ‘Feels good?’

‘It does,’ I groan. ‘More, I can handle it.’

He slowly sinks in, my walls wrapping closely and tightly around him. Walter lets out a growl like sound, stilling his motions. ‘My girl,’ he chuckles, ‘I’m so proud of you. Taking me in like it’s nothing.’

‘You’re proud of me? Really?’ I ask.

‘I wouldn’t lie to you, princess.’ He allows me to stretch around him. He pats my thigh a few times, before giving it a squeeze. Walter checks one more time if I’m ready and when I nod, he pulls out, before carefully sliding back in.

The thrusts are soft. His bed slightly creaks every time he buries himself back into me. The room is filled with his grunts and loving words and with my hoarse gasps. I wipe away my tears with the back of my hand, as I take in this unknown, but pleasurable feeling.

‘Faster,’ I whisper. ‘Please.’

‘You sure?’

‘Mhm.’

Not only do the thrusts grow faster, but slightly harder as well and those soft gasps of mine, quickly turn into something louder. A thin layer of sweat on both of our bodies. My legs wrapped tightly around his hips.

I flutter around his hard member, causing him to smile. ‘I can already feel it again, sweetheart,’ he says. ‘You’re close?’

A nod is all I can muster.

My toes curl, my breathing stops and the wave of euphoria washes over me. Tears drip over my face and I whimper: ‘Stop, stop, stop.’

He listens instantly and as the shocks run through my body, the aftermath of my second orgasm, he stills inside of me. ‘Too sensitive?’

‘I’m sorry, but yes.’

‘Don’t be sorry, don’t be,’ he tells me. ‘You did amazing, princess. Want me to pull out?’

I simply nod and I softly sniffle as he does. He’s still hard as a rock and he peels off the condom, throwing it in the bin. I push myself up and give him a kiss. ‘What about you?’

‘It’s okay, sweetheart.’

‘No, I… I can help,’ I awkwardly suggest. ‘I mean, I never done that before and I have no idea how to, but I think I can do it.’

‘You don’t have to.’

‘But I want to.’

He smiles. ‘Well, I can’t compete with that.’ He scoots over to the edge of the bed, gentle pulling me with him. ‘Go sit right there, sweetheart.’ I kneel on the carpet in between his legs and I take a deep breath. He holds my hand, guiding it to his hard member. I wrap my fingers around it, the tips not even touching. He leads the way as to how I need to move my hand. ‘You can squeeze a bit,’ he tells me.

I moisten my lips. ‘Can I?’

He nods. ‘Careful with your teeth,’ he says. ‘And don’t force it, princess.’

I open my mouth and let my tongue circle around his tip, before I wrap my lips around it. It earns me a low and sultry moan, and I look up. ‘Is it okay?’ I ask.

‘It’s perfect.’

As I slowly pump him without any guidance of Walter, I slowly try to get more and more of him inside my mouth. I don’t want my first ever blowjob experience to end with vomit, so I’m not forcing myself in a pornographic kind of way, where I nuzzle my nose into his pubes.

I mean, that would probably be impossible for me anyway.

Walter runs his fingers through my hair, slowly guiding me into bopping up and down. When I hollow my cheeks, the grip on my hair turns a bit harsher. ‘Shit, princess, you sure it’s your first time?’

I softly moan around him and he pulls back my head. With some drool dripping over my chin, I continue to pump him. His grunts fill the room, as warm spurts of cum land on my chest. The tight muscles in his entire body tense up, his hips bucking up to meet my hand. His jaw clenched, muffled groans.

That might’ve been the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.

Completely enthralled in Walter, I barely notice that his cum has both painted my chest, but also the lower part of my face. ‘I was not planning on this,’ he chuckles, wiping my chin clean with his thumb. He pushes it passed my lips and I taste the saltiness of his cum on my tongue.

‘Was it good?’ I ask him.

‘It sure was, darling.’ He stands up and pulls me back on my feet. ‘But we do need another shower now.’

✎ ✎ ✎

After a warm shower, we’re securely tucked underneath the blankets. I nuzzle against his naked frame with mine and he holds me tightly against him. ‘Penny,’ he says in a low tone, ‘I am falling in love with you.’

I smile, my heart warming at his lovely confession. ‘I’m falling for you too,’ I say, ‘like head over heels in love with you.’

His grip on me tightens a bit. ‘You know, in a few weeks, we have Christmas break,’ he says. ‘You’ve got any plans?’

‘Originally I wanted to go back to Maryland,’ I say, ‘but my parents probably want me to enjoy the college experience and kinda force me to have fun with friends.’ I let out a soft laugh. ‘As if I have any friends.’

He scoffs. ‘You’ll get the friends you deserve when the time is right, princess. But, just so we’re clear: you and I can spend a lot of time together during Christmas?’

I lean on my elbow so I can look at him again. ‘Of course. What did you have in mind?’

‘A little trip,’ he says. ‘Outside of New York, so we can stop sneaking around for a bit. Where do you want to go?’

‘I don’t mind,’ I say, ‘as long as I’m with— Oh, we could go to Las Vegas.’

He smiles. ‘You want to spend Christmas in Las Vegas?’ he asks.

I tilt my head, all of the sudden not so sure anymore about my Las Vegas idea. ‘Maybe Hawaii then?’

Am I hallucinating or did it just seem like Walter’s eyes turned into little hearts? ‘You’ve got quite the expensive taste, princess.’

Instantly I feel bad. He is obviously gonna pay for a lot of it, since I barely have any money. ‘Oh, sorry. You pick something, something less expensive. I don’t mind where we’re going.’

‘No, no, no,’ he says, ‘Hawaii could actually be it. Want to be surprised or want in on the planning?’

‘Surprised,’ I tell him. ‘Oh my goodness, Walter, this is so exciting. I can’t wait to spend all my time with you.’ I lean in to give him a kiss and he smiles against my lips. ‘I love you,’ I whisper, when he lets me go.

‘You do?’ A cocky grin forms on his lips and he says: ‘I love you more.’ He peppers me with kisses, tickles my sides and my squeals fill the room. ‘I love you so fucking much, I’m never gonna let anything happen to you, okay? You know that right?’

I bite my lip. ‘Of course I know that,’ I whisper, pushing back some of his hair. ‘I’ll forever know it.’

✎ ✎ ✎

The next morning, I see Walter standing in the kitchen, his back turned towards me. I sneak over to him, but he wouldn’t be the detective he is if he didn’t notice me already. ‘Princess, I can hear you.’

I instantly stop tiptoeing. ‘I know,’ I laugh, ‘but it was worth the shot. You’re such a  good detective.’

He chuckles, before lifting me up, placing me on the clean counter. He leans over to peck my lips. ‘How are you feeling?’

I nod. ‘I’m good, just… A little sore.’

Walter seems oddly proud of himself. ‘Oh, really?’

‘Yeah, my jaw too.’

He dumps the wooden spatula in the pan, turns the stove down low, before he stands in between my legs, wrapping his arms around my waist. ‘Well, princess, you did great last night. I’m so proud of you.’

‘You liked it?’ I ask, still a little unsure of how I performed last night. I mean, I never done it before and Walter probably had plenty of sex, because hello, have you seen that man? The fact that he wasn’t taken before we met is a miracle to me.

Walter buries his face in my neck, pressing sloppy kisses on my delicate skin as his beard is probably leaving some red marks, but I don’t care. ‘What do you think, princess?’ he asks. ‘Of course I liked it. Heck, I loved it. I love you, Penelope Townsend. I love you and only you. There is no need for you to be insecure.’ The sloppy kisses have moved to my lips, Walter’s parted lips against mine, his tongue exploring mine.

I arch my back, leaning into his touch, but something burns in my heart. Insecurities, that voice that tells me I’m not good enough for him and that last night was terrible. Before I can even stop it, warm tears roll over my face. ‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper, my voice breaking mid sentence. ‘I don’t know why.’

Walter softly shushes me, whispering it’s okay. ‘It was a lot,’ he says, ‘quite the experience.’ He kisses my tears away and says: ‘Princess, it’s alright, no need to cry, okay?’

‘I’m totally overreacting,’ I hiccup.

‘No, you’re not,’ he retorts. When he sees it’s not working, he pulls my head to his chest, pressing kisses on my hair, before he wraps his arms around my body. ‘How about breakfast first and then a hot shower?’ he suggests.

‘A shower with you?’

‘If you want,’ he says.

I nod. ‘Sounds good to me.’

✎ ✎ ✎

As we’re standing underneath the warm streams of water, Walter massages my scalp as he washes my hair, lathers my body with soap and fantasizes about our future trip together. ‘I can’t wait for you and I to be together for an unlimited amount of time.’

I smile, thinking about the idea of waking up to him, eating breakfast, lunch and dinner with him and walking around, holding his hand. ‘Me neither.’

Slowly but surely, the insane insecurities are something of the past, however I still know that if I think about it too long, my hands start to shake and I overthink it all. Before that can actually happen, Walter makes sure to distract me with kisses, with touches and telling me silly things he wants to do when he and I get to Hawaii.

‘We’re really going to Hawaii?’

‘Of course,’ he says, turning me around so I can look at him. ‘Because Hawaii is a perfect place for us to spend Christmas.’

‘What do I need to wear?’ I ask. ‘I don’t know how warm it is there.’

‘Let’s start with a bathing suit,’ Walter cheekily says, causing me to roll my eyes. ‘Just some light outfits,’ he whispers. ‘Honestly, princess, you look beautiful no matter what you wear.’

‘Is it expensive?’ I ask. ‘A trip to Hawaii.’

‘Don’t you worry your pretty little head over that, I’ve got it covered.’

[weeb-writor]

No More Crying, Brat!

Heyo! So next part in the Aizawa series is out. If your just now seeing this don't worry it can act as a stand alone! Reader is as neutral as possible including gender. Hope you like it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aizawa Shouta x Reader

You and Aizawa lazy morning gets interrupted and end up babysitting Jun and then you end UA, where you meet the infamous Bakugou

Words: 1997

Part One  Part two  Part Three  Part Four  Part Five

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This was your favorite thing, a sunday morning with the love of your life. It was the one day where neither you or Aizawa had work, well most times anyway. Phones tucked away and out of sight and the TV off. You laid in bed just resting and talking nearly all day.

“I want a bunny sho.” You said into his chest.

“I love you a lot but not possible. I know my cats seem nice but they are still cats and very ferocious predators.” He said playing with your night clothes.

“But they’re fat and lazy, I doubt they’d be able to catch the bunny.” You whined at him. He gave you a flick on your forehead obviously not happy with your words.

“Don't pick on my cats for something they can't help. You're the one always feeding them treats and extra food at meal time.” He said in a kind of pout. You giggled at his words moving to straddle him.

“Oh like you're any better. All you want to do with them is cuddle even though you know they need exercise. Don't blame me for your fat cats.” You said glaring into his eyes with a sort of playfulness.

“Oh kitty, your claws are showing. Do you wanna play, you want your exercise?” He said lowly to you. You of course had no objections but your plans were foiled as soon as they had begun by his phone, it was the one for emergencies he had to pick it up.

“You’ve reached, Aizawa Shouta, on his one day off. This better be good.” He sighed into the phone.

“Hey there, little brother!” You heard someone say as the phone was on speaker.

“Sigh, what do you want?” He said to the energetic boy.

“Awh is that anyway to treat your older brother who you love so much?” The man whined into the phone.

“When he interrupts what could have been such a great and peaceful, blissful even, morning yes it is.”

“Oh were you gonna finally put our present to good use?” He whispered.

“Good god, what do you want?”

“Oh right, I was the one to call you! What was it again…. Oh right! I need a favor.”

“You called my emergency phone, for a favor.” Aizawa deadpanned at the phone.

“Well yeah, I knew you wouldn't answer your regular phone and it is important. I need you to watch Jun for me at least for today. Sora will come pick him up tomorrow or sometime late within the night and take over from there.” He said the playfulness in his voice dying out.

“Yeah of course, what's going on?” Aizawa said, sensing his brother’s seriousness.

“You know his immune system is so weak, every time he gets sick he’s in the hospital for weeks. Me, my wife, Haru, and Maki are all showing early symptoms of the flu or something. We immediately sent him to our neighbors but we think it's best if he goes with a family member until we can recover.” He said seriously for once.

“Yeah of course and I’ll tell Sora I can take over if he gets overwhelmed. I'm on my way.” Aizawa said moving you to get ready.

“Oh when you get here Haru wants to wave by from the window, if that's alright.” Aizawa agreed before hanging up.

“So change of plans for our lazy Sunday, I'm really sorry.” He said quickly, throwing on casual clothes, you followed suit.

“No no, it's fine! Any Sunday spent with you is great.” You smiled at him.

“Okay we should get going, it’s a little bit of a drive.” You nodded as you fed the cats before going to get in your car.

“Pop quiz by the way, which brother was that?” He said as he pulled out to begin your journey. You thought about it for a second Jun and Maki were they only two blondes and stuck out so much in the dark haired family, so they were easy for you to remember, Their dad was the outgoing Shiori, right?

“Shiori, the 3rd eldest brother but 5th eldest in general.” You said pretty confident in your answer.

“Correct, I'll remember to give you a prize later.” He said with a smirk. You smiled at his words and that was that. The rest of the journey was quiet and quick and so you found yourself with Jun clinging to Aizawa as you stood in front of his house window. His family waved at him as he stared back with tears eyes.

“Okay Jun we should go now.” Aizawa said picking up the young boy and walking him to the car, locking him into the seat quickly and just like that you were on your way. You sat in the back with the 4 year old trying to keep him entertained on the kind of long drive.

“So kind of slipped my mind but I’m due back at the dorms in an hour…cause of the influx of villains and Eri” Aizawa said, glancing at you in the mirror.

“Oh it’s fine I did all the baby Aizawa’s at once. I can do one by himself.” You said bopping the boys nose as he played on your phone

“No, I wouldn’t ask you to do that. I told Shiori I was gonna watch him and I meant it. I was thinking we could take him up there and spend our Sunday together.”

“And meet your friends? And coworkers? Your students too? Like the 3rd or 2nd most important things in your life? All at once?” You said to him with an unnerved smile.

“Don’t fret, you survived my family, a few heroes aren’t gonna kill you.” He chuckled at you.

“We gonna see hero’s?” Jun asked with little stars in his eyes. Aizawa looked at you obviously wanting to know if you wanted to or not.

“Yeah bud, lots of them.” You told him with a smile. He clapped with joy and you laughed through your nervousness. It didn't take much longer to arrive at the UA building and after getting clearance you all headed to the dorms. Jun was a little scared as he clung to Aizawa tightly.

“I'm surprised he is clinging to you like that, he was so outgoing when I was babysitting I wouldn't take him as one to be afraid of new people.” You said looking down at the boys.

“Usually he isn't such a shy thing but without H-A-R-U he is pretty scared, they are twins. Really I don't know how he's gonna survive without him.” Aizawa said as he stopped outside a set of doors marked 1A. He didn't even get to warn you or Jun of the chaos that awaited you cause the door flew open.

“Shouta! Finally!” Present Mic said letting out a sigh.

“Sensei!” He’s student sounded off behind the blonde.

“Hey, get out of the way. At least let them sit down before you annoy them with questions.” He scolded as he felt Jun disappear further behind his legs. The students and excited teachers did make way for you and let you sit down. Jun huddled in Aizawa arms, face tucked in between his arms.

“Aizawa Sensei, we didn't know you were married! And with a kid too! What's their quirk?” A blonde rushed out.

“I am not married, this is my love L/N, but this little guy is my nephew. You might be seeing him a lot over the next two weeks.” Aizawa said tiredly.

“Hello! Aizawa already said but I'm L/N, and this is Jun.” You said with a small wave. They all introduced themselves and everything was going swimmingly until Aizawa was called away to get Eri.

“Hey Mic, he knows you a little better than Y/n, would you mind taking him?” Aizawa said, handing the heavy 4 year old to his friend. Jun let out small sniffles as his uncle left his eyesight.

“Don't cry little Jun. He’ll be right back, until then wanna see some of our quirks!? They are super cool.” Midoriya said with a smile and so the kids took turns trying to get the boy to smile and his tears to stop. They had all failed so far as his cries got louder.

“Alright brat, stop all your whining! What on earth are you crying for? Cause your uncle left for a few seconds? Are you that much of a baby? You're like four and still crying like a baby, I thought you were a big boy.” Bakugou said to the boy and before you could interject Jun did.

“I am a big boy but I miss my brother! And my big sister! And mom and dad! Uncle sho said i can't see them ‘cus they sick.” He said, starting to cry louder.

“That’s it? So you would rather go see them and get sick. I bet that would make your brother and your sister feel like shitty people and make them sad too. That’s what you want? To make your brother sad and guilty?”

“No!” He cried out.

“Then suck it up, for a few days you get to hang around your uncle and his badass hero friends and students. All the while your family gets better and you can see them again. So stop crying, and i’ll show my quirk! It’s better than any of the Extras quirks you’ve already seen.” Bakugou said to the boy. Slowly but surely he did stop crying and left the comfort of Hizashi’s arms to hold bakugou's hand.

“You know when I walked in to see you yelling at Jun I almost killed you. But now I'm glad i didn't, how do you feel about earning some extra credit?” Aizawa said from behind you. That was the most eventful part of your day so far. The rest was spent with Aizawa and Eri really. Jun was stuck to Bakugou like glue, doing everything he did, not noticing his jealous uncle. As bedtime approached for him you weren't sure how to get him to go to bed, he was attached to bakugou at the hip. Well that was until you learned that the blonde who was angry, loud and a bit delinquent-ish was actually a good boy who went to sleep at 8:30 just like Jun and Eri.

“Alright brat, i'm going to bed so you can stop following me around like a chick now. I’ll see you again soon and you better not cry for nothing again.” He said ruffling Jun's hair before walking into his room. Jun walked over to you guys as you all said goodnight.

“I got permission from Nezu, you're both allowed to stay over night but sometime within the night Sora’s coming to get Jun.” Aizawa said with a yawn.

“Alright then I'm looking forward to some cuddles! To bad your fat cats here, they make good pillows.” You said teasing him, he gave you a light shove in response.

“Hey uncle sho?”

“Yeah, kid?”

“Bak’go is a hero?”

“Basically.”

“I think he’s my fav’rit. He’s so cool.” He slurred, climbing unto Aizawa’s bed as soon as it came into view. Aizawa was silent as the boy fell asleep and only spoke out after he was dead asleep.

“I think I am going to kill him and like hell I'm gonna let him babysit with Sora.” Aizawa pouted under the covers.

“What a possessive uncle you are shouta, Also I think they all like me! Good to know the people most important to you like me!”

“Well if they didn't they could go hell cause you fall into the category that makes you number one in my life.

“What's that?”

“Family. At least you will be when I give you my last name.” He said as he swung an arm around you and Jun. You fell asleep with a smile on your face, his last name was starting to grow on you.

[mollyscribbles]

Owl House rewatch thoughts

* Hard to say from what little we see of her, but I think Luz' mom might have been less worried about her daughter reading fantasy and more about the "multiple incidents of bringing uncontained live animals and explosives to school" thing.

* If Eda considers Luz' Azura book as being only useful as kindling, it means she's not inclined to view human books as something she can make snails on.  Considering how unique her portal to the human realm is treated, where did Amity get her Azura books?  I've seen people suggest the author travels between realms, but if that were the case, Amity would've been able to get the latest volume from a local store rather than needing to borrow Luz' copy.

* Suggestions for other species that escaped from the Boiling Isles: the platypus and peacock mantis shrimp.

* "Weak nerd arms" ok really identifying with Luz here.

* Really love this take on Chosen One stories.  Because yes, there is an appeal in being told you're special, you're unique in the best possible way, but ultimately this is a story about people who aren't "special" so much as outcasts who do their best with the situation they're in.  Which is something that a lot more people can aspire to be.

* The fact that this was a set scheme(as the multiple fake maps would indicate) rather than a trap specifically designed for Luz indicates that even people who've spent their lives on the Boiling Isles would be drawn to the idea of being a magical chosen one. I bet Amity's not the only one to have an interest in fantasy literature around here.

* Oh wow Amity's first appearance outside the credits is . . . something.  It's easy to forget just how far she grew in one season.

* Eda's not a *bad* teacher, so much as she has yet to learn that teaching requires expanding on a concept you introduce and explaining your reasoning.  "Here is what you can learn from tasting snow" instead of just "here, taste these different kinds of snow"

* Hm.  For someone who despairs at the concept of the school teaching blind obedience, her teaching style kinda relies on it.  Bit of a hypocrite there, Eda.

* Gonna be honest, the first time I watched this and King mentioned Eda sneaking a drink of elixir, I thought it was going to turn out to be a magic-looking flask.

* It seems slightly odd that King's apparently known Eda for a while but didn't have any idea of the curse.  Maybe she was just REALLY good about keeping up with her elixirs pre-series.

* Really like the metaphor for a chronic illness that's kept under control by medication.

* If the Emperor's Coven provides access to all forms of magic, you'd think others aspiring for a spot would be permitted a multi-track education at Hexside.  That might be why none of them seem to be that impressive at magic when they're supposed to be the "best of the best" -- even if they have *access* to all forms of magic, they've only had training in one specific field during the bulk of their education.

* lbr, Lilith's cheating was worse because at least Eda told Luz what she was doing.

* You'd think Willow and Gus might have caught on that Luz didn't have permission for them to come over when she told them to hide from Eda.

* It's nice that Eda realizes raising a kid with a "screw the rules" mindset will result in a kid who breaks her rules sometimes.  Cleaning up the mess she caused is really the correct punishment for Luz; directly dealing with the consequences of her actions but otherwise considering it a lesson learned.

* Reading to kids in the library is an A+ way to shift Amity from "Jerk" to "Jerk with a heart of gold" territory.

* Prediction: At some point, Luz will return to the human world (probably only briefly but Eda won't know at the time) and Eda will come across the "Coping with empty nest syndrome" book Luz got her from the library.  She'll cry.  King will cry.  Hooty will cry.  Every viewer will cry.

* Pretty sure that, given what the world is like, if any of them ended up questioned about their actions during the body swap episode, they could just say "Oh yeah I was body swapped that day. What'd I get up to?" and everyone would consider this a perfectly logical explanation for them acting out-of-character.

* HC that Hexside is fully aware some illusion-track students skip class by having an illusion of themselves attend in their place, but they figure a student maintaining a decent replica of themselves for the duration of the class period requires enough effort to count as a form of class participation, so they just let everyone think they're getting away with it.

* Gus and Willow are really ride-or-die friends.  Always nice to have.

* Probably some of the mystery appeal will be gone from the Human Appreciation Society once a legit human is just attending classes on a regular basis; being able to get definitive answers to questions rather than spending your time speculating would cut back on the draw.

* I love all the details they include on this show -- a lot of other shows would just stick in scribbles while panning past pictures instead of writing out all of Eda's incident reports.

* The pallisman is a neat concept; sort of like a mix of a wand and a familiar, a magical control that will have opinions of its own.

* Given Bat Queen apparently has enough of, um, a biological aspect to have kids, I wonder if that means Owlbert is capable of laying eggs.  Or having eggs with another owl/pallisman if the male pronouns are anything to go by.

* I mean even Phineas and Ferb didn't question Perry laying an egg when he uses male pronouns so could go either way in terms of what Disney would allow.

* Reading the book fair signs, it looks like sci-fi is a popular genre in the Boiling Isles.  Makes sense, since what we'd consider Fantasy would be more contemporary/urban fantasy to them.

* Getting the vibe that someone on staff had a less-than-amicable experience co-writing with a friend to inspire this one. And/or experience with shitty contracts.

* The Hexside requirements also required knowledge of basic runes, but given Luz apparently had no issue with that I'm guessing she just picked those up offscreen.

* "I've seen worse" is the ideal admissions response tbh.  Like . . . she pulled off the required spells and the headmaster has seen decades of students' awkward first attempts.  It probably counts as a good day when no one's admissions test resulted in needing to bring in someone from the Construction Track to repair the building.

* It's very reminiscent of D&D that the majority of the cast has the response of "This is clearly a trap.  Let's check it out!"

* You'd think that carnival fortune tellers wouldn't have the same appeal in a world where it's something you study at school.  Unless it's viewed the same way as those "magic" shows they have sometimes where the tricks all involve chemical reactions.

* Kinda surprised a school that teaches kids fire spells doesn't have some kind of fire suppression system in place.

* Hrm.  Guessing the mind guardian went back and undid their own damage offscreen; otherwise they'd have had to go re-do the repairs before leaving.

* Good they had the wifi and charging cable coming through the portal to explain why Luz' phone still has service and the battery's not long dead.

* Luz, how have you survived this long with your instinct for pushing buttons.  The same as the rest of humanity in a world full of buttons, I suppose.

* Probably if they thought about it, the best criteria for picking Grom royalty would be less who's the most skilled at magic and more who has the most low-key fears. . . . nvm, having a Stay-Puft incident would cause them to reasonably scrap that approach.  Maybe appointing someone who obsesses over grades would have better odds of producing a relatively-simple-to-combat exam paper.

* I'm thinking the letters are written by Eda, who doesn't intend anything sinister by it so much as being the type to cover her bases when pulling off a scam and realizing Luz' mother would need some evidence to indicate her daughter was safely at camp.

* The band-aids clearly have some healing spell built-in, considering they've been used to heal inanimate objects.

* someone on the writing staff has a long-standing rant about Quidditch they've been holding back on.

* I know that normally the humor in the cut from "she's finally growing up." to Luz planning the heist would be that she's doing something that sensible adults would consider to be a bad idea, but if Eda saw her just then she'd wipe away a tear of pride and go "Her first self-planned heist! They grow up so fast!"

* Eda's the one who talks about cheating at stuff, but Lilith has a habit of playing *dirty*.

* I would like to say I appreciate them going with a more serious credit sequence because it was disconcerting with Star Vs when a dark ending was followed by "I THINK EARTH'S A REALLY GREAT PLACE"

* Lilith may have made a 30-years-late attempt to redeem herself, but I really don't trust her.  I don't quite want her dead, but she DID spend decades trying to force her sister to join the Emperor's Coven as a prerequisite for curing her curse.

[silenthillmutual]

what Classic Film(TM) you should watch based on who your fave Danganronpa 1/2 character is

disclaimer - obviously as a film dude i’m gonna say you should watch all of these. but maybe watch the one correlating to your fave first!

Makoto: 12 Angry Men (1957, dir. Sidney Lumet) - strong themes of justice, it’s about a jury trying to determine a man’s guilt. it’s basically what Makoto does for the entire game. you’ll also like it if you’re a fan of Phoenix Wright.

Sayaka: A Star is Born (1954, dir. George Cukor) - it’s all about a girl’s rise to fame and how her relationships change with that. there’s three versions of this film, most recently with Lady Gaga. 

Mukuro: Vertigo (1958, dir. Alfred Hitchcock) - themes of murder and hiding your identity, losing yourself to a cause.

Leon: Animal House (1978, dir. John Landis) - a comedy about a fraternity. it’s THE college frat movie and i think Leon would enjoy it a lot.

Chihiro: WarGames (1983, dir. John Badham) - two teenagers might have accidentally started a world war during the cold war by trying to play computer games...fitting for the series, no?

Mondo: On the Waterfront (1954, dir. Elia Kazan) - struggling to do the right thing and being sort of frustrated about your circumstances as they pertain to class and missed opportunities. being dragged into bad situations by family. also Marlon Brando is a bicon and very hot in this movie.

Taka: Rebel Without a Cause (1955, dir. Nicholas Ray) - a lot of turbulent shit happens to three teenagers over the course of 24 hours. one of - if not the first canonically gay teenager on film. i think we all know by now that James Dean was mlm, but so were the director and Sal Mineo. big bi polyam vibes; if you like chishimondo as a ship you’ll probably like this film too.

Hifumi: Akira (1988, dir. Katsuhiro Otomo) - had a hard time figuring out what to put for Hifumi, but overall i think if nothing else he’d appreciate how impressive the animation was (and honestly, still is) along with the fact that the mangaka was also the director. so although there’s a lot cut out (the manga had not finished before the film came out), it’s still roughly the same plot as the manga.

Celes: Dracula (1931, dir. Tod Browning) - probably the most iconic iteration of Bram Stoker’s novel, this is the one staring Bela Lugosi. not terribly true to the novel from what i remember, but it’s peak aesthetic and exactly the kind of thing she’d enjoy.

Sakura: Rashomon (1950, dir. Akira Kurosawa) - finally getting onto films i haven’t actually seen but that are on my list. sakura’s another person i had a hard time deciding on a film for, but the “several characters telling different accounts of the same plot” reminded me a bit of her case in the game. 

Hina: West Side Story (1961, dir. Robert Wise & Jerome Robbins) - admittedly i had a different film in mind for her to start with, but Maria’s final monologue fits with Hina’s motivations during Sakura’s case.

Toko: Gone With the Wind (1939, dir. Victor Fleming) - another one i haven’t actually watched yet, but it’s based on a famous novel, described as “epic historical romance.” i think that vibes with Toko pretty well.

Byakuya: Citizen Kane (1941, dir. Orson Welles) - if you’re really interested in film, you’re gonna be made to watch this sooner or later. famous for being the “best film ever made”, it’s more or less about newspaper moguls like William Randolph Hearst - who is also the main reason why this film is famous at all. it’s not exactly a flattering depiction of those kinds of people and boy, did that ever piss Hearst off. if he hadn’t made such a big deal trying to keep Citizen Kane from seeing the light of day, something much better might have made it to the top spot. 

Hiro: The Music Man (1962, dir. Morton DaCosta) - based on the Broadway musical of the same name, a “travelling salesman” (read: con artist) starts to work his latest con on a gullible small town, but actually starts liking the people in it.

Kyoko: The Man Who Knew Too Much (1956, dir. Alfred Hitchcock) - not to be confused with the other Hitchcock film from the 30s also titled The Man Who Knew Too Much. this is the one with James Stewart and Doris Day. it’s a highly suspenseful film that gave us the song “Que Sera, Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be)”.

Junko: Gaslight (1944, dir. George Cukor) - ever heard the term “gaslighting”? this is where it comes from! based on a play in which a woman’s husband psychologically tortures her into believing she is going insane.

Monokuma: Duck Soup (1933, dir. Leo McCarey) - all Marx Brothers films are as utterly silly (and sometimes as incomprehensible) as one of Monokuma’s MonoTheatres. i watched about half of Duck Soup and had to stop because it was finals week and i was supposed to be doing something other than losing my shit.

Hajime: It’s a Wonderful Life (1946, dir. Frank Capra) - you probably already know this film. if you’re Christian you know it as That Film Your Parents Watch Every Year On Dec 24th Around Midnight. if you have seasonal depression, don’t watch it then; warning for suicidal ideation. it’s supposed to be uplifting. your mileage may vary on that one. 

Impostor: To Kill a Mockingbird (1962, dir. Robert Mulligan) - i don’t have a good reason to pair these two up other than gut feeling. as far as film adaptations of books go, it’s pretty damn good, and Atticus Finch is the original DILF. themes of childhood innocence and racism. 

Teruteru: Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961, dir. Blake Edwards) - apparently much different from the novella on which it is based, but i think Teruteru would really dig the aesthetic and romantic vibes of the film. Holly Golightly is probably the original Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

Mahiru: Rear Window (1954, dir. Alfred Hitchcock) - like It’s a Wonderful Life, chances are good you know this film - or at least, you’ve seen its plot recycled a hell of a lot. a professional photographer recovering from a broken leg thinks he witnesses a murder take place and is determined to get to the truth.

Peko: Seven Samurai (1954, dir. Akira Kurosawa) - another one on my to-watch list, but it’s oft referenced and remade in film. a village hires seven ronin to protect them from bandits who will return to steal their crops. 

Hiyoko: East of Eden (1955, dir. Elia Kazan) - i’ll be honest here, i didn’t really know what to put for Hiyoko because i’m not sure i understand much about her, but i seem to remember her family playing a pretty big role in her being Like That and for “shitty family” the first two things to come to mind were this and Giant. and unless you like 3-hour long movies about the state of Texas, i’m not about to recommend you watch Giant.

Ibuki: A Night at the Opera (1935, dir. Sam Wood) - another Marx Bros film in which they help a girl both to be with her lover and to achieve her dreams of stardom as an opera singer. the kind of silly, manic thing i think Ibuki would like.

Mikan: The Shining (1980, dir. Stanley Kubrick) - i hate hate hate putting this on here, but since this is for film and not books i couldn’t exactly state to read the book. the book is about the cycle of abuse. the movie is more about... a trapped man going crazy in a spooky hotel. 

Nekomaru: It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (1963, dir. Stanley Kramer) - comedy about five groups of people racing to get to a large sum of money buried by a recently escaped convict they stopped to help out after his car crash. it’s a comedy, and just kinda seemed like Nekomaru’s thing.

Gundham: The Seventh Seal (1957, dir. Ingmar Bergman) - i watched this in like 10th grade and all i really remember is a man playing chess with Death and if that doesn’t say Gundham Tanaka to you, i don’t know what does.

Nagito: North by Northwest (1959, dir. Alfred Hitchcock) - i don’t really have a reason for this one either but it’s a spy film and i think komaeda could get behind that kind of intrigue. 

Chiaki: Metropolis (1927, dir. Fritz Lang) - not to be confused with the anime, this is a 1927 German expressionist film that seems to be about socialism and unionization. it’s also famous for its (purposeful) use of the Male Gaze and being one of the first sci-fi films ever made. be warned: it is a silent film.

Sonia: Strangers on a Train (1951, dir. Alfred Hitchcock) - another one of those films you’ll get told to watch if you’re interested in the queer history of film, i was gonna put something else but honestly the character of Barbara kinda reminded me of Sonia. a famous tennis player meets a man on a train who attempts to plan a double-murder with him.

Akane: My Fair Lady (1964, dir. George Cukor) - i was trying so hard not to double up on the post about musicals, but Akane really does have Eliza Doolittle vibes. they’re both feral and nothing would be able to really domesticate them. for whatever it’s worth, this film and the musical on which it is based is itself based on the play Pygmalion, in which your typical rich cishet white dude bets he can turn any street urchin into a real lady because he’s just that good. you might know the plot better as Pretty Woman.

Kazuichi: A Streetcar Named Desire (1951, dir. Elia Kazan) - i don’t really have a good excuse for this one, either; i haven’t even watched it yet (although i have read the play on which it is based). all i’m gonna say is i want Souda to have his gay awakening via Marlon Brando, as we all do.

Fuyuhiko: Casablanca (1942, dir. Michael Curtiz) - despite his love and adoration for Ingrid Bergman, Humphrey Bogart decides fighting Nazis is more important. i think Fuyuhiko would like the aesthetic, and the film. don’t let him know but i think he’d probably cry watching it.

Usami: To Sir, With Love (1967, dir. James Clavell) - issues of race and class intersecting in a film about a teacher working with inner city students. i was going to put Singin’ in the Rain here, because it’s what Usami would want people to watch...but i think this better fits the effect she wants to have as a being. 

[stfuisaac]

hello hello it’s lucky again and,, sadly,, we don’t have the technology that makes the thoughts we have just.... appear onto our screens yet... so this took a hot sec and still isn’t perfect bc i don’t plan on proofreading :\ but! here,, is,, my new,, drummer boy,, parumpumpumpum

‹ avan jogia, he/him, cis man, bisexual. › ISAAC BAROT is the TWENTY-SEVEN year old from SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA. when a friend asked them what they thought of the manor they said,  ❝ I HEARD THIS IS WHERE THEY DECIDED TO MAKE THE TWILIGHT ZONE. ❞ they claim GET OUT is their favorite scary movie, and if they were to die in a horror film they would BE OBLIVIOUS TO THERE EVEN BEING A KILLER UNTIL IT’S TOO LATE. their fears include MANNEQUINS, HITCH-HIKERS and DYING WITH NOTHING TO SHOW, and they don’t know we know, but… HE GOT INTO A (MUTUALLY) NEAR FATAL ALTERCATION WITH A STRANGER HE GAVE A RIDE TO (YES, HE WAS AN UBER DRIVER - HIS GREATEST SHAME). hope they enjoy their stay. ‹ PLATANCHOR requested by JOAKIM from STRESSED OUT penned by, LUCKY, 20, EST. ›

QUICK FACTS:

full name: isaac benjamin barot

date of birth: september 12, 1992

*does not perfectly reflect the below Big Three zodiac chart because that’s so much math

zodiac big three: virgo sun, taurus moon, libra rising

gender & pronouns: cis man & he/him

sexual orientation: bisexual

occupation: session drummer + lyft driver + ex-uber driver

mbti: entp

enneagram: 5w6

the song i listen to on repeat while i write the intro: “deja vu” - roger waters

BACKGROUND INFO:

alright. so.

isaac's backstory is neither tragic nor easy. his father was an immigrant who married his mother solely to get a green card (y’all, to be fair... the citizenship tests are whack). there wasn’t any real romance between the two, but the drop-ins always said otherwise. no, outside of putting on a show for government officials, isaac’s father and mother were friends at the best of times.

the best of times culminated in a son who grew up in an interesting dynamic. his father and mother never even attempted to be anything more than friends (with, as you can see, the occasional benefits). after the check-ins finally stopped, his father and mother even began sleeping in different rooms. his mother would trade in her queen for a double and replace the space his father used to take up with his cradle.

it was nothing like the ‘unhappy marriage’ trope, though... again, because they barely ever pretended to be married. they would take their wedding rings off when they went out with friends. sometimes they would even take off their rings around each other and talk the other up to someone attractive.

so it was unorthodox, but it was much better than his parents pretending to be in love in that way and giving him a skewed version of what romance should look like.

one down-side to it, though, was that isaac never knew who he was supposed to go to for what. usually it’s just a given that “if you need/want x, go to the matriarch, if you need/want y, go to the patriarch” but... what happens... when your parents are basically just your friends?

so thank god for growing up in the age of technology. like,, ya,, a literal baby can’t google things like “how to say ‘mom’” but a 15y/o can google “how to shave”

so... ya... his parents were his friends, the internet was his parent(s?).

one thing the internet couldn’t do? give him drums. it could introduce him to the likes of ringo starr, john bonham, keith moon, and ginger baker, but it couldn’t give him drums... not when he was only, like... 10, at least.

so he put a set on his christmas wishlist and figured they would divide amongst themselves.

so ya, his 10th christmas, he got a shitty little rockwood hohner kit that he would use for the next nine years.

he never received any professional training. again, he didn’t know who to ask and... youtube wouldn’t exist for another three years. he tried to teach himself using a few books and, if nothing else, figured out a few simple beats and how to gain independence.

after learning those simple little beats and not knowing if he wanted to buy the next book, he decided to take a break and, instead of going back to professional books, he’d just listen to some of his favorite tracks... most of which were ginger baker... which made things kind of hard when he only had one bass drum, two tom-toms, and one floor tom. those, plus the really low quality pearl cymbals. still, he did his best to make it work.

just a side-note that, because of videos of ginger, isaac used (and still uses, out of habit) a mix of traditional and matched grip.

he went back and forth between the books and mimicking the patterns of other drummers (mostly ginger) up until he was around 16 and his friend, ribs (y’all), decided to teach him a few more technical skills. what you want to learn for this song are polyrhythms, but those are hard and no, ginger isn’t using a crash there, he’s using a splash and do you want a discount on some better cymbals and drumheads from my parents’s music shop because this is a very functional kit but it kind of sounds whack

he continued using the same whack kit, but replaced the heads with aquarians, as per ribs’s recommendation (but evans and remo are also good) and, after literally examining baker’s kit, replaced the cymbals with various zildjian collections

even though we stan istanbul agop in this house.

he also started listening to more drummers than... pretty much just baker with a hint of john bonham, keith moon, and ringo starr. as his friend suggested, he tried out drummers like buddy rich, art blakey, travis barker, dave grohl, karen carpenter, neil peart, nick mason, simon phillips –– even was told to listen to ac/dc songs just to see how a successful band could be made using essentially the same beat over and over and over.

so now he had some split time. school. work. practice. figure out who the hell was making dinner that night/if there was someone making dinner last night because they might both be talking each other up.

although he applied to various colleges, and although some of these colleges actually accepted him, he ultimately decided not to go. instead, he moved from san jose to los angeles in the hopes that he’d find something bigger than himself... and a new drum set...

he found the latter in a ludwig kit with two bass drums, two tom-toms, and two floor toms. then he just added a bunch of stuff and tried to make it like ginger baker’s. pretty much spent all of his money on it and then some.

when his friends formed a band and found success, he was very very happy for them... but... he found himself stuck... driving ubers.

and lyfts!

he’d seen the twilight zone before. he loved that show. he’d seen the episode ‘the hitch-hiker,’ so he was really driving for the companies against his better judgment. 

his worst uber story? the time a guy got into the car, had pinged a location that was still marked as a store on the uber gps but had recently been torn down, and tried to attack him when they got there :\ he 110% fought back, though. was fired because the other guy was the one who made it out injured.

only drove for lyft after that :\

he did take on a few projects, but he... proved to be too much of a roger waters for people who just wanted to chill and have fun. there would be adverts for people who wanted to form a band and he’d be like “hell yeah! finally! a band!” then he’d get pissed that they advertised it so seriously but really... just wanted to jam. did not have any plans to try to do anything with it.

the few projects he did join that involved people who wanted to actually achieve success... if they were slacking, you best bet his inner roger waters came out! which is why he never stuck around in any projects for too long!

but ‘projects’ and ‘jam sessions’ were totally different. you want to do ‘wipeout’ in a project? he’s gonna take that intro that literally everyone on the planet knows SERIOUSLY. you want to do ‘wipeout’ in a jam session? LET’S HAVE SOME FUN WITH IT.

he does some session/studio drumming for other artists to make some extra money while doing something he genuinely enjoys... but... still... it is no project™

in between things right now, he got a call from joakim that, while muffled and staticky, sounded like it said ‘get here, please’ and clearly stated where he was.

of course, voicemail lines were crossed and many many many essential words were left out – words that were basically saying the exact opposite ahfsdkjl. the shadow’s really playin them :\

so here he is, in all his glory.

TL;DR:

i was gonna kms if i didn’t play another drummer, so this is my ginger baker fanboy whose parents were literally just best friends and, as a result, were also both his friend. the internet raised him. started playing drums when he was 10 on a low qual kit with low qual cymbals that his parents got him for christmas, but literally why would you get a beginning a good set? continued playing. eventually moved to los angeles and tried to form many successful projects, but was too much of a roger waters. was summoned up here by the shadow man fucking around joakim. his greatest shame is how many ubers he has driven.

PERSONALITY INFO:

he will always say his proudest moment was when he learned how to play ‘toad’ by ginger baker cream all the way through.

big ginger baker fanboy.

loves the twilight zone and will just spill a random fact out about it every now and again.

a lowkey control freak which completely goes against the way he dresses and the vibe he gives off. 

is only a dick about it if you’re part of one of his ‘projects’ but aren’t taking it seriously tho :\

ok i’m too tired 2 write a personality section rn when im already rly bad at them but!! again!! feel free 2 j refer to the zodiac big three + the personality types!!

FEARS:

mannequins: they’re already creepy enough when you really think about it, then you add in that episode of the twilight zone where the characters wake up in an unfamiliar house and go outside and basically everyone is just a mannequin? ya he hates mannequins.

hitch-hikers: so, as we have just seen, he’s had it bad enough with people who were registered to an app, paying, their personal information readily available, etc., etc... so then what would happen if it was just a complete and utter stranger who didn’t have any personal information, any ping, and was the sole focus of a different twilight zone episode? he... is going... to drive past you. he’ll feel bad about it, but...

dying with nothing to show: here’s the money shot! here’s the deep fear! as has been shown throughout, isaac craves success and some form of a legacy. if he dies with nothing to show for his life, then was his life ever worth it in general?

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

ok,,, it might be bc im tired rn,,, but i have the most basic list that will hopefully be updated tomorrow bc it is SO VERY BASIC:

friends

fwb

ons

exes

enemies (much easier to get on his bad side than it is w/ fluke)

BRAINSTORMING AND/OR SOMETHING FROM YOUR WANTED CONNECTIONS AND/OR WHATEVER YOU HAVE AN IDEA FOR!!!!

[dayna-scully]

ncis/tiva liveblog...the dregs

season 3  |  season 4   |  season 5  |  season 6  |  season 7  |  season 8  |  season 9  |  season 10

11x01

the real whiskey tango foxtrot is the writing on this show

at the moment, you

😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖

want some company?

yes :-)

murder me???????

“this is good”

that fake typing though

you’ll always be an agent in her heart

is mcgee Abby’s Shannon

after what happened to secnav, how can I stay?

oh gut punch

clonk

I mean, someone’s gonna get a souvenir from Tony’s trip to Israel

a living, breathing, tiny human souvenir…

maybe it’s not the brightest idea, but we’re not coworkers anymore, so

Anthony!!!!!!

he was so happy

I’ll travel for good hummus

I didn’t know that “hummus” was, uh, some kind of new…slang

but all of their stuff is still there?

mid century mob hit

where’s ziva?

thank you dick

he reminds me of the terrible sweets clone bones got after sweets died

which was a terrible decision, btw

who would she trust

TONY

SHE WOULD TRUST TONY

oh tony

11x02

don’t worry tony, we will be okay

can you put the hammer down please

perhaps the him is you

baby ziva hadn’t yet been weaponized by the men in her life

gibbs absolutely knows who Captain Kirk is

why should she have the man that she loves

wow that’s really dark

and cruel

he looks good with some hair on his face

Tim does not

I can’t believe they’ve kept that goatee on him for multiple seasons

tony should have stayed in Israel

baby!!!!

“I meant to do that this morning”

HE DIDNT FORGET HE WAS JUST TOO BUSY GETTING BUSY

confession: I don’t think I’ve ever actually watched this episode

I didn’t watch s11 because at that point we (obvs) knew cote wasn’t staying

yeah dinozzo can sure feel somethin

maybe you could try saying what you’re saying

he already found her, dad

you know how hard that was

you did not have to do any of this

except???? He did????

her “old life” man fuck these writers

finally I found you here, of course

FUCK THESE WRITERS

the center of all this pain is me

I’ll kill whoever wrote that

I hate these people!!!!

this is what Eli made of her

bad adr

tony should have stayed

it’s a start

you don’t have to do this alone

ziva was a fantastic investigator, regardless of what she did for Mossad

she loved being an investigator

this doesn’t make sense

just come home

I remember after truth and consequences came out I sat down with a notebook and my iPod and whittled down a tiva playlist

it was a very intense project

I just want you to come home with me

oh tony

I can change with you

he should have just…stayed

that’s a very bad fake black eye

did he clip Tobias’ ass

you shot me in the ass!

I’m the one got shot in the ass for it

they done did it

I want to make him proud

😖😖😖😖😖 her daddy

alone

that’s horseshit

horseshit!

tony you are so…loved

I wanna be done with this

this hurts more than I remember

I am more angry about all this than I remember

then came tali

pick up the phone!!!

hey ziver

13x24

who made these terrible styling choices

why does tony look like an old man

I bet it’s the same person who thinks that goatee McGee has now was a good idea

I can’t stay here

surely she would have told gibbs

right??

he wouldn’t have told tony

maybe she wouldn’t have told him tony was the father

oh tony

ah, dinozzo

oh are you just fucking figuring that out now gibbs??????

ten years later??????

really???

I hate these writers

I need to know what happened

I’ll breathe when Trent kort is dead

are these writers fucking serious

his ziver???????

fuck

stop with the monologue

something about you running off with her father

friends don’t let friends get hit by mortar fire

you’re Mossad you know everything

like, this whole ass house was leveled to nothing but tali’s room just…survived intact

how convenient!!!!! Almost like ziva had planned this!!!!

tali girl

tali is ziva’s daughter

and your daughter, tony

what a clusterfuck

no doubts

that was not her decision to make

it wasn’t

it was, for once, in character

but it was a shitty decision nonetheless

she knew you wouldn’t be pleased/then she never knew me at all

we cannot lose sight of Anthony

daddy tony

tali’s aba

your mom always packed a go bag

because she was always one step ahead

and she would have been ahead of this

you’re a single dad now, tony

were you and ziva an item the whole time

because lbr of all of them, McGee would absolutely be the last one to figure it out

and he wouldn’t even figure it out, Abby would tell him

I loved her, Tim

ima and aba

ziva must have told her

tony must have always had that with him

I think I’ve decided against watching 16x13

I know the gist of what happens, I’ve seen the screenshots

I don’t read Hebrew, so the fantranslations are all I really need anyways

I don’t really want to watch them write gibbs badly again

how did he get his eyeball back

selective morality

she was my family

I’ve never been anybody’s everything before

abby knew

abby 100% knew

aaand I’m done

I don’t even really know how to summarize all of this.  I don’t understand the thought that will-they-won’t-they is somehow more exciting and fulfilling than consummation of slowburn.  Shows keep doing it over and over again, and sometimes they get it right at the last minute (see: josh and Donna, tww) but most of the time they get it wrong.  Like at least with something like Olivia and Elliot (svu) there was a reason that they couldn’t be together - he was married (though I think they could have and should have handled Chris leaving better than him just vanishing).

Bones kind of fumbled through it all - I don’t think that they would have put b/b together if Em hadn’t gotten pregnant.  Maybe eventually, but I think they had and would have made the same mistakes the ncis writers did.

Clearly that could have been handled better, but like b/b being together was so good?? They were happy, there was still drama, but god it wasn’t a poorly written tease (well, actually, let’s not get into the quality of the writing on Bones)

Cote is such a fantastic actor, and as horrible as MW is, he is (was??) a really good match for her (was if only because bull kind of sucks and I’m not sure if it’s shitty writing or him sucking or him not wanting to be there??).  There was so much emotion and intensity in all of their scenes, romantic or not, it’s absolutely astounding.  I really appreciate them for all the effort that they put into tiva, because they were really the heart of it.

How often do you have couples that are written but not acted? Couples with absolutely no on-screen chemistry, and actors who can’t or won’t put the effort in to make it work.  And they had that!  They could have done so much with it.  But the writers failed. Over and over again, they failed to deliver consistent characterization and complex plots beyond the same old.

Tony was so much more than a frat boy.

Ziva was so much more than a weapon and a perpetual victim.

I was trying to find good fanfic while I was watching (I…didn’t find much), but there was one where the author decided that Ziva, who was alive, had only put the message out that tali was Tony’s because she knew it would get his attention, and that tali was just some random guy’s.  And that really pisses me off.  Ziva (the writers) made some really poor choices in regards to Ziva’s impulse control, but that’s too far - Ziva wouldn’t intentionally hurt tony, and that would be the worst thing she could do.

Ugh.  I’m tired.

basically how I feel about the series:

[jcmorgenstern]

3x14 Review

Hey so for once this is actually super positive! I loved this episode and can’t wait to gush about it! So without further ado, I’m gonna get the stuff I quibbled with outta the way before diving into what I liked:

The Bad: — I think my biggest problem overall was that scene between Alec and Lorenzo. I understand Alec was being protective and he goes into Fierce Mommy Tiger mode around those he considers family and those he loves (I think it’s important to show that Magnus isn’t just his boyfriend, Magnus has become integrated into the thing Alec bases his life around). But I had hoped Alec would have figured out by now that a Nephilim threatening to depose a Downward leader over an apartment is…..unideal, at least. — I get that this may have been designed as a plot hook as an understandable yet stupid thing Alec does that comes back to bite him later (i.e., if there is a Downward civil war in New York, and Lorenzo decides to fuck Alec over). Alec’s strength and weaknesses are tied to his family, and I think it’s a very believable mistake for him to make. I don’t expect him to be perfect, I just hope the narrative treats his threat to Lorenzo as less of a “pure uwu cutesy bf” move and more of a mistake, even if Lorenzo is being cruel to Magnus. — Honestly y’all I expected something WAY worse. Losing the apartment was nothing compared to the drama I expected—I thought Lorenzo was gonna ask Magnus to spy on Alec or go back to Asmodeus or something awful. Thankfully that was inverted by a very obvious attempt to get Magnus to move in with Alec, because apparently he can’t buy a new house with all his money. — I also quibbled a little with how Clary was written, especially in that scene where Jace comforts her (or, really, when Jace makes what happened to her about him and how angry he is and how he’s going to kill Jonathan etc. It’s a pattern with him, esp where Jonathan is involved, and I have more to say about it). Clary has always been a very temperamental, look before you leap sort of person, and I’m not sure that if she figured out Jonathan had hurt Jace she would just smile and pretend along. Clary would FREAK. This is Jocelyn’s daughter, y’all. The knives would be out. She stabbed herself to stab him before and she’d do it again. She has ALL the tools at her disposal to rune him or run away. — To be clear, I’m not shaming Clary for what she chose to do or not confronting a violently entitled dude who kidnapped her once already, I just felt the arc was artificially extended to let Jace be the hero instead of letting Clary kick Jonathan’s ass off a pier and rune him. There’s no way that bitch can swim. It seemed kind of….not how Clary would react and kind of artificially done for Jace and Jonathan’s benefit. — Last thing, which isn’t even a quibble but I feel people will be confused if it’s not on here: the Maia and Jordan thing. I’ll go into it more but basically: if they’re doing what I think, I think it worked shockingly well, but if it’s played straight yeah it’ll be Unfortunate.

The Good: — I’m just gonna come out and say this episode was AMAZING. Since this is mostly a positive review I’d like to credit the writer specifically—Zoe Broad. Honestly just the overall coherence of this episode was greater than any of the ones in S3 for me, it flowed from one scene to the other and there was no point where I had the urge to check Facebook or whatever. The dialogue was pretty good overall and truly amazing at parts, and I felt she had a pretty good handle on the characters, despite this being her first episode, which was very impressive. — I actually ENJOYED the ship content??? Clace was absolutely adorable on the rink, with Jace’s sometimes annoying bravado being played wryly both on his part and by the script. “I was born ahead of the curve” delivered with a smile and then nearly falling on his ass was. Very good. And Clary’s little “you’re doing better than me….when I was six” was equally great and I just. Really liked it? They felt like real people on a real date and it felt real and dynamic and cute. — Same with Malec’s grave-robbing date. Usually their scenes start to get weighed down by drama or just general “talking to the audience to make them happy rather than each other,” but this was just cute AND advanced the plot, and connected them back to the main storyline. I hadn’t liked how they were quarantined away from the main story and I’m glad they’re back, even if the “losing Magnus’ loft” was a weird way to do it. — Maia and Alisha particularly were really the breakout stars of the episode. Alisha really really SOLD that dialogue and was honestly incredible. Her terror and anger and desperation felt so visceral and real that even though I knew it would be resolved in the episode, it was gripping and I genuinely needed to know what happened next. — I also did like how Zoe wrote Maia (that “frickin” was TOTALLY a stand in for fuck and I APPRECIATE it) and I felt she really captured how she feels about Jordan—she does care about him as a person, or rather for the person he was at some point, but still refuses to not to push down on her own anger and hurt for his or anyone else’s sake. I felt it was really complex and confusing and emotional for her and overall I think that scene was meant to give her a sense of closure. Just because she recognizes that Jordan does care about her and can be supportive of her, doesn’t mean she’ll necessarily jump back into his arms. — That’s kind of my reading—I’m not sure where they’re going, obviously, but my instinct was that the less chill stuff Maia says (implying they may be going a romantic arc) was more due to the fact she was PANICKING IN A LOCKED CLOSET WITH A DYING DUDE. Like she says “I’m confused” like yes she meant before but honestly right then she obviously was, and I don’t really see the show going for Jordan/Maia? Especially since Todd has hinted Maia has a “don’t need no man” arc. Like she drifts apart from Simon but gets back with someone she hated for years?? Not seeing it. — However if they do go there I’ll be really disappointed, mostly because of the missed opportunity for complexity but also because yeahhhhh maybe not the chillest thing with how many people interpret their relationship as abuse. (I could make a separate post about it but yeah). — Onto Magnus. God okay I don’t know how others felt but I felt Zoe really got to the crux of why Magnus misses his magic. That how he feels connected to the world through his magic was just…such a good insight and it really impacted me because it wasn’t just some generic “magic is what makes me who I am,” it was so much more deep and personal and I felt it meant a lot that Magnus finally put that into words for Alec. He’d clearly been struggling to impart to Alec how he felt, both in terms of “how do I even explain this loss” and a his own emotional reticence. God that grave robbing scene!!!! — Umm the Morningstar sword actually being a sword to summon demons?? Kind of weird?? Esp if they play it off as an actual Morgenstern relic?? Not sure what’s happening but it was cool?? — honestly dudes I’ve been FUCKED UP about the Luke storyline and SUPER STRESSED and now IT’S ALL HAPPENIGN someone SAVE HIM oh my GOD I’m actually so stressed I’ve been stressed for 9 months FREE HIM — Ok now to Jonathan bc lbr y’all know I can’t shut up about him. Ok first off, that scene with the seelie gal, oh my FUCKING GOD I was screaming what a LOSER GHSDKLFJhghghhghgg. And she insults his shitty dialogue?? Zoe ma’am may I PROPOSE??? This keeps getting wilder and wilder I can’t believe they’re GOING THERE. THEY’RE GOING THERE SO HARD. HE’S SUCH A WILD LOSER. Can you BELIEVE he found someone off shadow world fetlife to be like “I’m a Morgenstern and I love you bro you’re so hot and clever and lovable” I just can’t. I bet you ANYTHING she tops and is only in it for the shadow hunter ass. — SHAPESHIFTING. YALL. I BUST A NUT. Look, it fixes so many fucking plot holes. His eyes look SO COOL when he does demon magic. He’s so OP and Chaotic Stupid it’s not even a joke  I Lov my Mary Sue Son. — Honestly having Jonathan impersonate Jace is so brilliant (remember when he said, “I don’t want your pity, I want your life?”) Like it is so fucked up but I love it.  Not looking forward to the mind control but maybe he just whispered “I’m a bottom” into her ear and ran off in her ensuing shock and confusion. You can’t prove me wrong until next week so until then LA LA LA LA CAN’T HEAR YOU — Personally I liked Dom’s performance as Jonathan, but not to be that Bitch I felt Will was a lot more subtle about it. Dom gave him a straight up thousand mile stare whereas Will played him as something charismatic and good at lying with a little edge of Something Wrong, a strain behind a smile. Sure, Jonathan was probably nervous for his little kidnapping date, but I felt it was unrealistic that he was so suave and convincing (sans the part where Aline comes to visit him that was hilarious, Jonathan you’re an idiot) as Seb and then is like “I eat ants sometimes” as Jace. Like. He’s an obsessive bitch. He’d have practiced Jace in the mirror. Fuck you. Probably while saying “fuck you.” ANYWAYS. — Izzy doing science? It’s not much but I’ll fucking take it lmao. I’m excited to see where Heavenly Fire is going. Matt’s Latin is still abysmal but whatever it’s ok. — also that rose?? A kiss from a rose?? Honestly this ep was so clever and thematically connected and just FLOWED like an ACTUAL EP OF TV god I’m emotional!!!! Thank you Zoe Broad ma’am you are a hero!!! — Again I’m gonna point out both Jace and Jonathan have a designated Brooding Fireplace. — Not super hyped about Heidi coming back but hey this ep was Worth It.

Anyway tldr I really liked it and wanted to spew semi-coherent positivity for once! About more characters than just my stupid fave!!! Wow!!! Good writing is SEXY and I LOVE IT!!!

[thesportssoundoff]

“There’s five fucking fights announced, the fuck you people want from me?” A salty TUF Finale Preview

The famed/dreaded/beloved/villanious UFC doubleheader is upon us this week as we've got a TUF Finale on Friday leading into a genuinely loaded and stacked UFC  218 on the back end. The beginning of our focus is on said Finale from Las Vegas, Nevada aaaaaaaaaand I got nothin'. Honestly! I have not much to really say. As of right now, the card has five fights on it. There's two genuinely awesome bantamweight fights (Joe Soto/Brett Johns plus Shawn O'Malley/Terrion Ware), a middleweight fight of middling import (Andew Sanchez/Ryan Janes) and another one that should be amusing if nothing else (Eric Spicely/Gerald Meeschaert). The focus for this show is on the TUF flyweight championships and like the usual TUF affair, we're looking at a lot of this card being filled up with cast members for the show. Going back to the last women's TUF which crowned a champion, we had 8 fights featuring fighters off the show and I'm figuring guessing that the number will be close to the same. You assume a finale fight, the failed semi finalists fighting and then filler will get you to about 7 or 8. It is worth remembering they're trying to start a division here so everyone is gonna get a shot. The lack of fights announced and the general meh of the fights that ARE announced allow me to use the preview space a bit differently. No wacky factoids, no pondersings and no stats to keep (although for record keeping purposes, Sean O'Malley will be remembered for debuts and Terrion Ware for second fights) and instead we can just do some talking about this division and where it stands.

This Ultimate Fighter has not been the record smash success other seasons have been although not entirely of its own fault. They ran up against the World Series with a dated formula that some people are tired of and with two coaches who will make for an amazing fight but not amazing talking television. Compared to TUF 20, this isn't new anymore. WMMA is not a new thing; it's established now and people are either for it or against it with the understanding that they're shouting at a wall. It's empty space, it's noise in a vaccum, it's...it's just nothing. It's yelling at clouds now. A new TUF tournament is cool because it'll get this division going but it's not destination programming. I watch ALASKA FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS and I've seen about three episodes of this TUF. The formula lives on its coaches and the talent involved with it. We've discussed Eddie Alvarez and Justin Gaethje as coaches and they're not engaging talkers. Their fight SHOULD be amazing but I think it speaks to where these two stand that their fight is FOURTH on the main card. It's an amazing fight on paper but neither is going to get you all worked up, it's just another fantastic fight in the shark tank of 155. Not their fault.

And what about the talent at 125 lbs? In a way, this is not anybody's fault either. The best 125ers in the world are basically already in the UFC. They're starving strawweights or bloated up 135ers. They're Valentina Shevchenko, Joanna Challenger, Paige Van Zant, Katlyn Chookagian, Joanne Calderwood and in all likelihood a Claudia Gadelha or Jessica Andrade. Then for a reality show, remove every fighter who doesn't speak English or lives across the planet away from Nevada. From there, the remaining members of the field are all fine fighters in their own right but none of them scream "MUST SIGN!" or superstar. 115 lbs was fresh, new and unique. 125 lbs is just a room with a view at this point. The future of flyweight is bright in time since it'll be like the lightweight of WMMA----but we're aways away from that. One day sure, right now? Not even close. It doesn't help I guess that for people going INTO the show, the best of the best were fighters they've already seen and seen lose. I know there's plenty of people who like Roxanne Modafferi but to UFC fans, she's the woman who lost on TUF then lost to Rocky Pennington way before that became a good thing for your career. Lauren Murphy has lost every UFC fight she's had against someone who remains gainfully employed by the organization. Those are the two biggest names with Barb Honchak trailing way way way way behind in third place and it is of course a fine reminder that Barb went into the show with the reputation of being the most boring female fighter in the history of drab and boring. The rest of the field featured fighters who wouldn't headline an Invicta card or stand out if they were announced on a card. TUF 18 got the best fighters not signed by Strikeforce; a crop that included plenty of elite talent and some surprises who popped out as well. Hell, Tonya Evinger, Val Letourneau and Gina Mazany all didn't make the show which shows their depth. TUF 20 was legitimately just a "Bring me every 115er who can talk english and is over 21" from invicta and other parts of the US which made it stand out. This show is by design/bad luck an amassing of fine fighters who will fill ranks but not seats.

That doesn't mean the division is doomed. Hell it doesn't even mean that this CAST is doomed either. TUF 18 was an attempt to find the next/eventual Ronda Rousey. It didn't do that but it did give us some good fighters who fill ranks across the UFC's multiple women's weight classes. TUF 20 was an attempt to start a new division off with a popular champion and weeks of hype. It wasn't successful but it gave the division some notoriety and 115 lbs is a solid weight class with plenty of name fighters inside of it. The future of this division, it's EVENTUAL star, will not be from this class immediately but who knows? Rose Namajunas went onto TUF at 2-1, got blown out in the finals and then matured and developed into a fighter who dethroned the unbeatable. Felice Herrig has morphed into a whole new woman off TUF. Strange shit happens sometimes in MMA and 125 lbs will almost certainly be no different. TUF is like weed; it's a gateway to some. Rocky Pennington was 3-3 prior to TUF and now she's kind of a big deal at 135 lbs. Some fighters will use the experience and grow, others won't really. I bet you a few years from now, some of us will look back and be shocked at who got off the show and developed and who just stayed where they were. It's the start of a long play for a new weight class which will hopefully give us fighting riches beyond our imaginations as it develops.

The importance of 125 lbs really can't be lost on folks. The UFC does not need another 135 lbs. That division is pretty much dead at this point as Amanda Nunes is the champion nobody cares about facing a dried up pool of contenders. The shelves were never restocked properly after Ronda and Miesha left and the next generation is already thinned. Pena is pregnant which is amazing for her life but not for her weight class. Shevchenko is going to 125 lbs where she'll probably prosper and win plenty of titles. Holly Holm's value seems to be as a fighter who can dance around weight classes depending on the time of year. After that you have fighters with obvious ceilings on their potential (Marion Reneau, Bethe Corriea, Sara McMann), a promising fighter in Ketlein Vieira and the ultimate unknown in Cat Zingano. The landscape is bleak. 115 lbs seems to have a steady supply of newbies filtering in plus a bunch of fresh exciting new fights with Rose as champion. It seems to be doing alright with room to grow as the UFC expands into more markets. 145 lbs is laughable, a mess and a half. You can carry ONE dead division, you're going to see holes with two but three? That's a serious step back for WMMA.

There are zero fights currently announced featuring the cast ALTHOUGH Lauren Murphy is RUMORED (there's that dirty word!) to be facing Priscila Cachoeira so you can cross her out. If I had to guess, something I'm pretty shitty at normally. Here's what I think we MIGHT see:

Roxy/Sijara Eubanks winner vs Nicole Montano " loser vs Barb Honchak Rachael Ostovich vs Maia Stevenson Deanna Bennett vs Emily Whitmire Montana Stewart vs Melinda Fabian Lauren Murphy vs Priscila Cachoeira Maia Stevenson vs Gillian Robertson

Don't be surprised if losers of those fights stick around in the UFC given that this division needs depth behind it as well.

And before I send thee to bed, I want to take a brief second of your time to discuss those two bantamweight fights. We can begin with Joe Soto who finally is starting to make some waves after being "the guy TJ Dillashaw iced back in the day on 24 hours notice." Soto's always been UFC caliber and he's starting to show it, complete with a fucking war and a half vs Rani Yahya. He's not perfect but against Brent Johns, we're going to see a fight that could headline any regional promotion ever. Johns has been a stud although the finishing power still isn't there. He's a guy who has shown an improved skillset and a lot of the problems that plagued him on the regional scene (constantly hurt/struggles with weight) haven't popped back up. The other fight is a really, really interesting clash between a raw as fuck prospect and a proven regional veteran. Terrion Ware has been a good fighter on the regional circuit and the whole "you go places if you beat him" mantra is more true than false. Of his five losses, 3 are in the UFC (Luke Sanders, Cody Stamman and Joe Soto) and 1 is in Bellator (Leandro Higo). He's the guy who basically checks if you're good enough or not. Sean O'Malley is one of the genuine stars of the DWTCS formula. If anything he's THE guy who makes the whole concept work. He was an unknown guy who in one performance had the MMA world (for a night at least) popping for him, Snoop Dogg marking out and shouting his name plus a contract from Dana White. Ware is going to test if he's all flash and bluster or if he's got something more than hype to his name.

[blatherkatt]

Like Dick Ouija But With Yarn 

(Anon, I would like to formally apologize for not getting this one done the same day I got it, because that is one of the single best prompts I have ever seen)

“Rose, this is horseshit.”

“Hey, now, you agreed to do me a favor! We agreed that you owe me one for helping you out of that little hole you dug yourself regarding Mrs. Stout —”

“Yeah, and I assumed you’d want me to do something stupid and embarrassing, but you didn’t say anything about fucking knitting.”

“Crochet, not knitting, Dave.”

“Same fuckin’ difference,” Dave said. “I didn’t know the school even had a fuckin’ crotchit club, what the fuck.”

“I’m trying to puzzle out if that particular verbal slip was intentional or not. It can be so very hard to tell sometimes.”

Dave snorted and didn’t dignify Rose with a response. This was infuriating. This was a fucking insult, a god damn atrocity. Fuckin’ yarn. Horseshit.

“Don’t even know how to do whatever the fuck we’re doing,” he complained, slumping down into a chair. Some of the actual club members were trickling in, not that there appeared to be all that many. The one or two who were here stared at Dave out of the corner of their eyes.

“There’s a guide on the basics on one of the desks,” said Rose. “And Kanaya and I can give you tips, if necessary.”

“Who?”

“A…friend of mine. She’ll be here soon, I’m sure.”

“Rose, please tell me you didn’t trick me into this horseshit just to act as your fuckin’ wingman so you can flirt with some hot girl.”

“Please,” Rose said. “As if I need your help to talk to anyone. I just thought having you here might be amusing, is all.”

“You’re not denying being here to hit it off with some chick.”

“And you will continue to get no clarification from me on that particular topic.”

Shouting from the hallway interrupted them. Very colorful shouting, at that. Shit, someone was not happy.

‘Someone’ turned out to be a short, spiky-haired kid Dave vaguely recognized as some cantankerous kid he’d noticed in the cafeteria the week before, having an absolute meltdown at one of his friends. Dave didn’t know his name, but the face was familiar, if only because it is very hard to forget someone who says things like “I will shit miles of rage snake and drown us all if you don’t shut your fucking trap.”

The boy in question flopped down in a seat not too far from Dave. He was followed into the room by a tall, elegant looking girl who was almost definitely the one Rose was hoping to score with (Dave knew Rose’s type by well, and, well, God damn). The girl, Kanaya, briefly addressed everyone, shoved a basket of yarn and needles in the short kid’s direction with an encouraging if slightly overbearing Look, and scuttled off to chat with Rose.

Dave glanced at the short kid. “What’re you in for?” he asked.

The kid grunted. “Apparently, I’m being too ‘antisocial’ and ‘am wasting my life away’ and ‘my friends are worried about me’ or some such bullshit. You?”

“Swore a life debt to a snarky broad with a sadistic streak the size of planet fuckin’ Jupiter.”

“…That’s rough, buddy.”

“I’m Dave, by the way.”

“Karkat.”

Karkat was angrily pulling yarn toward him and studying the directions with a scowl that was probably meant to be fierce but came off more like a kitten doing a bulldog impression.

“Dude, the fuck?” Dave said.

“I refuse to sit in this godforsaken club room and be bored out of my mind for the next hour. They want crochet? Fine. I’ll crochet them the most lovingly-rendered stitchwork of my endless fucking hate they have ever received. I’ll write my fury with their wretched yarn.”

“…So, what, are you like. Gonna write “fuck you’ with yarn?”

“Exactly.”

“Dude, count me the fuck in.”

Fifteen minutes later, their little project looked like some first grader’s shitty paper mache volcano, only made of cottony rainbows instead of gross, soggy paper. Dave was trying to make sense of the instructions Rose had given them, while Karkat saw to the actual process of knitting. Dave dropped the page and groaned.

“This is boring. I’m bored.”

“Artistry takes patience, calm the fuck down,” said Karkat.

“Artistry? It looks fucking atrocious, give me the damn needles.”

“No, I’ve got it! I — you made me miss a stitch, dipshit!”

“Oh, no, what a nightmare, one more missed stitch in this disaster of a lump of yarn. Give it here, dude, come on, I’m gonna try and do a dick.”

“Keep your phallic imagery off of my masterpiece. What are you, twelve?”

“Your masterpiece? I’m fucking offended, dude.”

“It was my idea!”

“I’m helping!”

“Yes, and what a fantastic job you’ve done sabotaging me at every turn!”

“Give me the needles, dammit!”

“No!”

“Yes.”

“No!!!”

“Yes!”

“Get the fuck off me holy shit!”

“What on Earth are you two doing over there?” asked Kanaya. Shit, the whole club was staring at them.

“Nothing!!!” said Karkat.

“Building the Taj Mahal, what are you doing?” said Dave.

“Dave,” Rose said, “you have yarn tangled in your hair.”

“Tryin’ out a new look.”

“…You have fun with that, then.”

Dave tried to wriggle free as the girls turned back to whatever it was they were gossiping about. Karkat immediately started complaining.

“Dave, holy shit, stop, you’re tugging at the shit I’m working with, you’re gonna make it even worse!”

“So, what, I should just get sewn into your fuckin’ awful lump of sheep fur? Dude, I need to get this shit off me, I refuse to be part of your shitty scarf or blanket or whatever the fuck this thing is.”

“Of course we need to get you free, but you’re doing a really fucking shitty job of it, let me do it —”

“Hey, hands off the merchandise.”

“Oh, grow up, you insufferable, hopeless klutz.”

“Klutz? I am a graceful fucking ballerina. I will dance circles around your slow, blundering ass. Hey, woah, no touching the shades, they’re off limits.”

“Some of the yarn’s caught in the hinges, you’re gonna have to take them off.”

“Yeah, no, that’s not happening.”

“Oh, my God, just take them off, you doofus!”

“No!”

“Yes!”

“Okay, I’m cutting us off right there, that’s not happening. I’m just gonna grab a pair of fucking scissors woah shit—”

Somewhere in his and Karkat’s flailing at each other, yarn had gotten looped even worse around the both of them, trapping Dave’s arm to his side and yanking Karkat over as Dave tried to stand. Both crashed back to the ground.

“Fuck,” said Dave. Karkat started screaming.

———

It took most of the rest of the hour for Kanaya and Rose to help Karkat and Dave untangle themselves. The whole time, the two kept exchanging these infuriating Looks, like they were laughing at some private joke, which was extra bullshit considering the fantastically humiliating public joke that was the entire fucking situation. Thank fuck the crochet club was tiny, because if anyone else Dave knew had been there, Dave would never live this shit down. You don’t recover from something like getting wrapped in rainbow fuzz with a small angry screaming dude over the equivalent of a lost bet.

Karkat made matters worse, of course, by screaming and flailing about throughout the entire process and re-tangling them as fast as the girls cut them loose. Finally, as the hour ended, they were both free.

“Shit, dude,” said Dave. “It’s a shame you’re actually fucking terrible at this knitting thing, because if there were ever a time your fuckin’ magnum opus were needed, it’s now.”

“Oh, fuck right off,” Karkat snapped. “You are the entire reason that we have nothing to show for this whole affair.”

“You were stifling my creativity, motherfucker.”

“Oh, yeah, because covering it with dicks is so fucking original, you cliche sack of shit.”

“Karkat,” Kanaya interrupted, “We need to go, your father’s going to get irritated with both of us f we keep him waiting.” She managed to drag Karkat away, somehow, but Dave could hear him still ranting away. Despite himself, Dave laughed under his breath.

Rose looked at Dave, eyes pointed and a grin tugging at the edges of her lips.

Dave scowled at her, and said, “You put that fuckin’ smugass smile away, I’m still fuckin’ pissed at you.”

“I take it you’ll be coming to the next meeting, at least?”

“…Sure, why the fuck not. Got nothin’ better to do on Thursdays.”

[vaffaznculocolmpadrter]

OC Interview: Sparrow the Druid

Rules 1. Pick one of your characters 2. Fill in the questions/statements as if you are being interviewed for an article and you were your muse. 3. Tag people to do this meme

Holy fuck this is a lot of words for a lot of questions. I hope you enjoy this out of context hullabaloo i had fun writing it at least.

       As a mysterious journey brought our heroes to the lakeside city of Thrushmoor, a man decided he wanted to know more. More about this strange band of adventurers, who were traipsing about this dour nation of Ustalav and righting some of its many wrongs. After an afternoon of asking about town, he easily discovered the name of their inn. (Appearances such as theirs are not easy to mistake, especially a young lady of drow descent and a woman with what only be described as a ‘mane’ of impossibly red hair). As luck would have it, it was those very same women he chanced upon.

       He introduced himself as a writer, and told them of his plea; they were understandably confused. (The purple-skinned elf coincidentally played the part of the shrinking violet, while her companion could not have been any more her foil if she tried). The wild, redheaded lass towered over them, and after a few more explanations, agreed to speak.

      That interview is recorded here, exactly as it occurred.

What is your name?

Sparrow.

What is your real name?

*Sparrow ruminates for quite a bit before answering.*

You know… when a serial killer ghost uses names for his dumb ghost magic, and you see the word ‘sparrow’ appear in blood on the wall… I guess there really isn’t any other answer that matters.

Do you know why you were called that?

Nah, not really, though I’ve been called that for like, EVER. As long as I can remember, even… Huh… I wonder if little me ever knew.

Are you single or taken?

What’s that mean?

*Her companion Cylerra walks over and leans down to whisper something in Sparrow’s ear. A look of realization blooms on her face as she listens.*

Oh. Uhhh… that is. Hmmm. That first one sounds about right, I guess.

Have any abilities or powers?

Oh dude easy question. First off I’m a druid do you know what a druid is yeah yeah you know what a druid is. So I’m one of those. Oh. You want a bit more than that? Uh. I’m pretty good with fire magic and… what else. Oh! Oh oh I know I don’t look it but I’m pretty good at making magical do-dad thingies.

*Sparrow waves Cylerra over again,  points to the small ornate clip nestled in her white hair, and grins.*

See that? I made it. It’s cute as fuck too, right?

Stop being a Mary Sue.

*Sparrow silently squints, her mouth slightly ajar. She closes and opens it a few times before responding*

I’m. Going to assume that’s a bad thing to be. So… sure. I guess.

What’s your eye color?

Well, if you asked me a month ago the answer’d be some kind of grey… but recently we all woke up with some sparkly ass silver eyes after a weird divine magic butterfly dream thing. I think it’s pretty neat, seeing as all of us match now and stuff.

How about your hair color?

Oh! Okay so imagine the reddest red you’ve ever seen. Ever. In your WHOLE entire life. Got it? Now…

*Sparrow hovers her thumb just a centimeter away from her index finger.*

That’s how close my hair is to your reddest red.

Have you any family members?

Huh. Hmmm… now that i think about it, I suppose I got three different families.

*Sparrow begins to count on her fingers as she lists them off. She hesitates on the first finger, motioning with it several times before speaking.*

…there was- …there is- …there- fuck! There.

*Sparrow grows flustered, sighs, and begins counting again.*

Ma and Pa. The wolf pack. And the old green dickbag who taught me magic… There, that’s- Wait… actually no, sorry. I was being dumb for a second. There’s four.

*Sparrow’s mood brightens as she turns to see Cylerra, who meekly waves back in response before returning to her book.*

I have four families.

Oh? What about pets?

I suppose you mean that wolf pack I just mentioned. Like I said before, I consider them family, which is probably going to confuse a few people. I guess I could explain a bit. They’re family because, well… they saved my life. It happened when I was little… and when I needed them most.

*Sparrow averts her gaze toward the floor, and absentmindedly begins tracing circles on the table.*

Afterwards, I was… really, really scared. I didn't want to be left, alone... So I. You know. Followed after them… I don’t remember for how long. Or how far. But then, one day… I was just. There. With the wolves. Sleeping. And eating. And Playing.

*Sparrow glances back up just as tears begin to well in her eyes. Her emotional display startled her, and she quickly wipes her face with a hand.*

Oh, wow. Jeez, what am I  doing? My friends don’t even know those details and I’m just spilling them all over your dumb stupid shitty fucking notebook… Sorry. I didn’t mean to call you and your notebook dumb. Oh, I didn’t call you dumb? Well. I was thinking it, so. Sorry about that too, I guess… So, uh. Pets, right? Um, I have a silly little plant buddy I made with magic, does he count?

Do you have any hobbies/activities you like doing?

Let’s see…

*Sparrow straightens up a tad and takes a deep breath.*

Relaxing. Hunting. Goofing off. Solving mysteries. Hanging out with Cylerra. Poking fun at Cylerra.  Exploring. Swimming. Watching my friends do the things they like. Drinking. Dancing. Eating- Oh yeah can’t forget about eating. Feeling mud between my toes. Listening to the forest. Meeting new people. Playing with fire. Star-gazing. Seeing Trey be bad at being serious. Sun-bathing. Making nifty magic crap. Sleeping. Fucking. Kicking ass. Fl- oh, okay sure I can stop if that’s enough.

That’s cool I guess, now tell me something you don’t like.

Undead come to mind for sure. I hate zombies I hate wights I hate ghosts I hate wraiths I hate werewolf ghosts I- Oh, yeah. And FUCK mummies. HOLY SHIT DUDE DO I HATE MUMMIES. Throw every single one of them into the garbage pit and set it on fucking fire please.

Ever hurt anyone before?

I think that’s like… part of being an adventurer, right? Like. If you are an adventurer and you go on adventures if you keep continuing to adventure, you are gonna hurt someone eventually. Punching or feeling wise, its bound to happen.

Ever….killed anyone before?

I have, yeah. Like, when I count it up, Ive definitely hunted plenty of animals and recently began killing a good chunk of undead, but they probably don’t fall under everyone’s ‘anyone’ category. I think it’s safe to say werewolves and cultists do though, so yeah. I have killed dudes before.

What kind of animal are you?

Well technically I can be basically whatever the heck i want, but I think you mean like, in a figurative way? Still though. Dude. I think it’s pretty obvious.

Name your worst habits.

I’m told I say things I shouldn’t a whole bunch. Like basically every day all the time. ‘Sparrow no you can’t say that, no Sparrow that’s inappropriate, Sparrow stop you’re offending them.’

*Sparrow sighes.*

What else… I get told I’m too loud. or wait, I don’t think that’s really a habit. Hmmm. Some people complain about how I eat? Manners or something dumb like that.

Do you look up to anyone at all?

Not that often. Apparently I’m pretty tall for a lady, so most of the time I’m looking down to people instead. I definitely had to look up to Gallows though, that dude’s hat scraped on door-frames sometimes.

Gay, straight, or bisexual?

Uh. Hmm.

*Sparrow counts on her fingers as she mouths a few words to herself. After several seconds, she quickly gives up .*

I don’t really know how this sort of thing works. Do amounts matter?

Do you go to school?

I’ve gone to a school once, when we visited Cylerra’s old one. But you mean like, going to school, like what she did. So no. I’ve never gone to school. And thinking about it… even if things had been different… I don’t think I ever would’ve had the chance anyways.

Do you ever want to marry and have kids one day?

*Sparrow freezes for several seconds, then laughs uncomfortably. She begins fiddling with her hair as an awkward silence fills the table.*

I’ve, uh. Never really… thought. About it. Before…

Do you have any fanboys/fangirls?

Oh! Do kids pretending to be me count? Because if that does then yeah yes I do have fans. Man, those little pups were really sweet once the town finally unstuck themselves from their own asses and realized we weren't trying to ruin their lives.

What are you most afraid of?

Most afraid of? Hmmm. I guess... being unable to- to- Damn I don't know how to say this. Okay. Say someone I knew and liked was in trouble. Like, some really, really bad shit was going to happen to them and I’m seeing it as it happens. I'm afraid of when a time like that comes... and I can't even try to do something about it.

*Sparrow pauses.*

Wow. That was so serious I bet you wanted things like heights or dark spaces.

What do you usually wear?

I don't really got a signature outfit or nothing but you can bet you'll see me wearing this!

*Sparrow enthusiastically gestures to the wolf pelt slung around her shoulders.*

Do you love someone?

Well, I love my families. I love my friends and my pack and my. Parents. And I love my shitty teacher too, I guess. That's ab- Huh? What do you mean that's not what you mean? Oh. Oooooh. You mean like. How my Ma loved my Pa, and my Pa loved my Ma...

*Sparrow rubs her the back of her neck as she falls deep into her thoughts.*

... No. I don't really love anyone the way they love each other. And I'm not really sure if I ever will...

What class are you? (high class, middle class, low class)

I never cared about stuff like that. I never had to. I was the little girl of a hunter and a potion maker who lived in a house outside of town at the edge of the woods and we were the most happiest people in my whole wide world...

*Sparrow’s wistful stare is distant, and accompanied by a small smile. It lasts but a moment before her face turns sour and she shakes her head.*

Then I lived in the forest with a whole shit ton of wolves and a crappy old orc for a while. So. Low, I guess.

How many friends do you have?

I like to consider anyone who isn’t a jerk to be a friend. Life is a whole lot funner that way. But if I gotta name names... Kendra, I think. Zokar the tavern owner - damn I love that guy I kinda miss him. Grimsbarrow... Shit basically the entire town of Ravengro. That cool Crooked Kin circus we ran into. Barrister Kaple - hope he keeps growing that backbone we gave him. The Beast of Lepidstadt- Ah! See, I knew you were gonna give me a face like that. Nothing but the truth my man. Hmmmm. Oh! That badass at the lodge... Graydon! Graydon.

*Sparrow leans forward, hides her mouth with a hand and whispers.*

Now, I said I have a lot of friends, but I think Cylerra is my best friend. Don‘t tell anyone though it might hurt their feelings.

What are your thoughts on pie?

I like them. Especially fruit ones. Though Zokar’s meat pie was pretty good with some ale.

Favorite drink?

Oh, fuck. I don’t actually know... There’s so much good stuff out there and I’ve only had like a sliver of it.

What’s your favourite place?

Wow damn dude you keep asking all these hard questions. How can someone decide when there are so many places to choose from? ...Eh, I suppose I could say the woods I spent my whole ada- adu- ader- Sorry hold on.

*Sparrow swivels around and shouts Cylerra’s name at the top of her lungs. Cylerra yelps in surprise and the book she had been so patiently reading clatters to the floor.*

WHAT’S THE THING THAT’S NOT A BABY OR A KID, BUT ALSO NOT AN ADULT OR AN OLD PERSON?

*Cylerra glares at Sparrow, and begins to move one of her hands in an intricate fashion. Suddenly, small fiery letters appear out of thin air in front of Sparrow. As the word forms one letter at a time, it clearly spells ‘ADOLESCENT!’ But the moment the exclamation point appears, the entire array explodes with a loud pop and a large puff of smoke! Cylerra storms out of the room, as Sparrow is left with a soot-covered face.*

THANK YOU. So yeah I spent all of that thing in the same huge ass forest. I know that place in and out and up and down and basically any other direction you can think of.

Are you interested in someone?

Yeah I- Wait. Is this another one of those questions? Where I don’t understand it at first and it ends up being about sex or something? Yeah, I thought so. Looking for someone to fuck is not really on my mind considering the fact that I mmmmm-not going to tell you that because it would be dumb and get me thinking about it again and then get me worrying about it aga- MMMMMNH!

*Sparrow’s nostrils flare, and her face contorts into an expression of exasperation as she wipes the soot from it.*

Next question please.

What’s your bra cup size?

*Sparrow casually reaches into her shirt and gropes herself. After a squeeze or two, she removes her hand and shows it off.*

About that big.

Would you rather swim in the lake or the ocean?

Oh oh oh I’ve never been to the ocean that’s the one with the salt in the water right? I really want to go! I want to see it for myself, hopefully I can drag my friends with me it sounds like a blast.

What’s your type?

*Sparrow’s face becomes stoic as her eyebrows raise.*

I think I know your game now, mister writer man. My type is people I like. Okay? Okay.

Any fetishes?

Huh? You mean those little charms you make that are suppose to ward off evil or whatever?

*Sparrow immediately drops her deadpan facade and taps a finger on her lips in thought.*

Nah, not anymore. The green geezer had me making them all the damn time when he first started teaching me. It didn’t even have anything to do with druidism he just wanted to waste my time. I wanted to run away so bad back then, but he kept finding me and dragging me home every time I tried. I guess I gave up after failing for like a year. I think that’s about when he starting teaching me for real.

Seme or uke? Top or bottom? Dominant or submissive?

I don’t even know what half of these things mean but I’m definitely not submissive, so dominant I guess.

Camping or indoors?

NATURE IS MY MIDDLE NAME OF COURSE I’LL ALWAYS PICK CAMPING also nature is not actually my middle name don’t write that down.

Are you wanting to quiz to end?

Yeah this took way longer than I thought you should really tell people that before you sit them down and vomit questions at them.

[filmnovelizations]

Rocky IV

Rocky was impervious to it all. He and Drago were toe-to-toe, silently assaulting each other with psychological weapons. If looks could kill...

This book is bad. I’ve never been terribly familiar with the Rocky movies. I watched Rocky IV for the first time right before I started reading this masterpiece. The film is a somewhat baffling mess, and some of that mess is weirdly fixed by this book. There are so many minor and major differences between the book and film, it’s hard to believe Sylvester Stallone wrote them both. On the other hand, I haven’t found evidence of a ghost writer, so why not?

So, having finally watched the film, the first thing I wanted from the book was any small attempt to make sense of the fucking robot. There is none.

A robot walked through the door. It was about five feet tall and rolled on wheels. In its outstretched arms it held the flaming birthday cake. A perpetual “Have a nice day” smile was painted around the microphone box on its face. A pink ribbon was tied decoratively around its square head.

So, the description is a little different from the actual robot, but that’s the least of my concerns. They give the pathetic, lonely, alcoholic Paulie a robot as a joke because he doesn’t have any friends. At first he’s annoyed, then he uses the skills he must have learned at the slaughterhouse to reprogram the robot to talk with a breathy female voice while on a constant mission to supply him beer. In Las Vegas, he’s sad he didn’t bring the robot. After he loses all his money on slot machines and blackjack, he talks to a prostitute but laments losing all his money gambling, and he’s sad he didn’t bring the fucking robot. You can just go ahead and assume he’s jamming his dick into some part of that robot. 

While Paulie is losing all his prostitute money gambling, Stallone supplies a perfect example of the kind of bad writing that loads up this short book.

A chair opened up at the table. Paulie decided that a change of games would help his luck. He sat down and bought twenty dollars’ worth of chips. If you’re gonna do it, might as well splurge. He put a two-dollar chip in front of him. The dealer drew the cards out of the shoe. Paulie got a ten and a king.

What table? Yes, I suppose a change of games would at least make a more interesting time than cheap slot machines. Is twenty dollars splurging? How broke is Paulie? Wait, how does he make money? If you’re gonna do it, you might as well cliche. A two dollar bet is not a splurge. Oh, it’s a blackjack game. You could have called it a blackjack table in the first sentence instead of “the table.” This is a major casino in Las Vegas, not an illegal casino in the basement of a bar.

And so Sylvester Stallone’s writing is filled with paragraphs like this. Sometimes pronouns are not clearly defined, because they’ll switch who they refer to or they just won’t clearly refer to anyone. There are so many cliches I should have kept count.

A few hookers loitered in front of the bar, but Rocky didn’t recognize any of them.

So, after the robot nonsense, the next most obvious thing I wanted from this book was the book version of the montage. This film is notorious for its use of montage. I timed the montages. There are four montages in the film. After fighting with Adrian, Rocky has a driving montage. There are two separate montages when Rocky is training in Russia. And then there’s the montage to skip twelve rounds of boxing in the Rocky-Drago fight. I think people might think of the James Brown music video in their estimation that this movie is overloaded with montage, but it’s really not a montage. It’s a music video.

Anyway, the four official montages amount to fifteen minutes and seventeen seconds. The end credits roll at eighty-four minutes. If you take out or just severely reduce the length of the montages, the movie is just less than seventy minutes long. If you want to argue that the James Brown music video counts because it is unnecessarily inflating the film’s runtime the same as the montages, go ahead and cut off another two minutes and forty seconds. Either way, this film is short enough without discarding fifteen-eighteen minutes. In the book, James Brown is absent. Apollo Creed’s entrance is a normal paragraph.

Suddenly the band started playing again. It was a lively, raucous tune. A side door to the ballroom opened and a troupe of scantily dressed chorus girls holding small American flags entered. They were followed by Apollo with Rocky at his side. Behind them were Duke and Paulie. Apollo was dressed as Uncle Sam in a red, white, and blue suit complete with a top hat. The ballroom thundered with applause. Well-wishers tried to swamp the group as they made their way to the ring, but the polite, yet firm security men kept them at bay. Their job was made harder by Apollo. He kept reaching out to shake hands. When he reached the bandstand he jumped up and down in time to the music. The applause became so loud that the band itself was drowned out. Rocky shook his head in wonder. Who says you can’t go home again? Apollo was doing it.

After that, the driving montage is completely replaced with actual story. Rocky doesn’t drive around thinking about the shit that happened in the first three films. He tries to convince the United Boxing Federation to allow him to fight Drago, and forfeits his title when they refuse. Paulie wrecks Rocky’s car. The mayor of Philadelphia pays to restores Goldmill’s Gym so Rocky can train somewhere familiar. Two officials from the State Department try to convince Rocky to cancel the fight. They have statistics that prove he can’t win. Shitty Paulie tries to convince Rocky to hit Adrian regularly so she’ll learn some respect. It’s not all good story, but it’s so much better than the driving montage.

The only montage that really makes it into the book in a way that feels like a montage is the training-in-Russia montage. The film breaks it into two by having a short scene when Adrian joins him. The montage just eats up most of the penultimate chapter and it looks like this:

This is the book version of a montage. Even with Stallone’s basic writing, it works.

Rocky turned into the camera’s glare. “Get that light off him!” Duke grabbed the man by the belt and jerked him away from Rocky and Apollo. Rocky cradled Apollo’s head in his arms. “Hold on. You can do it. I know you can. Just hold on.” But Apollo let loose and flowed into legend.

I am still so very confused by some of the differences between the film and the novel. The first thing I need to address is a bit tricky. In the film, which as I said rolls credits at about 84 minutes, Apollo Creed dies at about 32 minutes. The novel is 156 pages long, and Apollo dies on page 101. This means that 2/3 of the story in the novel is contained in the first 1/3 of the film. This would almost explain the abundance of montage in the remainder of the film if it weren’t for all the story Stallone left out of the film but still put in that part of the novel. The novel tells a far more even story and I would sincerely like to know what went wrong when Stallone filmed the damn thing. He clearly thought about the gaps in the story and filled them in with the novel. Even accounting for the montages after Apollo’s death, how did he get more runtime out of the last 1/3 of the novel with objectively less story?

Would you like to know more about Ivan Drago? It’s in the book. Read up on his background and how he started boxing. However, there’s also something in the book that would probably have him in jail. In the film, Apollo’s death doesn’t look like deliberate murder. When the fight is technically over, Drago stops punching and starts reciting the English he’s been told to recite. It’s sort of chaos. The book, however...

Rocky grabbed the towel and quickly threw it in the ring. Drago was still punching. Apollo rocked savagely with each blow. It was amazing that he could still stand. “The ex-champion is out on his feet. He’s being pounded without mercy. Balboa has just thrown in the towel!” White yelled gratefully. As soon as he saw the towel the referee stepped in and tried to separate the fighters. Drago paused again to look at his corner. Rimsky nodded grimly. Drago pushed the referee aside and delivered a final blow that could be heard over the din of the crowd.

Murderer. The fight is over and he pauses to look at his handler before punching Apollo one last time. It would be hard to argue that Drago wasn’t ordered to kill Apollo, what with all the cameras around. The rest of the story would be quite different then.

I want to address one last thing that I think gets lost in the James Brown and montages and Ivan Drago, and that is Rocky Jr. Unlike Die Hard, no one thinks of this film as a Christmas movie. You should add it to your Christmas viewing, honestly. The final fight takes place on Christmas Day. That’s enough. But what about Rocky Jr.? Think about the story from his perspective. For his entire life, Apollo was Rocky’s best friend. He probably called him Uncle. He watched Uncle Apollo get murdered. Then his dad is going to Russia to train to fight the same person that murdered Uncle Apollo. And that fight is going to happen on Christmas Day. Then his mom left to join his dad in Russia. Who’s taking care of him? It’s the housekeeper you barely see in the movie, not that either film or novel mentions it. Stallone didn’t think to address the fact that Rocky and Adrian abandon Rocky Jr. at Christmas. In the film, you see a few shots of him watching the fight with a couple friends and Paulie’s robot. The novel at least has the housekeeper instead of the robot. This is, by far, my favorite Christmas story now. Who are the friends that watch the fight with Rocky Jr.? How did that get set up? “Hey, I know it’s Christmas and your parents probably want to spend it with you but do you want to come over and maybe watch my dad get murdered by a 7 foot tall Russian?” In the novel, Rocky doesn’t even say “merry Christmas” to Rocky Jr. at the end of his speech.

Rocky Junior couldn’t take his eyes off the television set. Was this really happening to his dad? Was this what boxing was about? It was horrible. He wanted it to end. He wanted his mother and father home. “Your dad’s getting smashed,” a friend said quietly. Rocky Junior blinked, but the picture didn’t go away. It was real, not a nightmare.

Yeah. This book is bad and you should absolutely read it.

Also, Adrian is pregnant in the book, and Rocky tells Paulie this right after Paulie tells him to hit her to teach her respect. Her pregnancy is entirely forgotten after that though, and it is not an issue when she travels to Russia to watch her husband possibly get murdered. It just isn’t mentioned again. Just something to think about. What a Christmas story. Buy paintings so I can buy more paint to paint more paintings