#//i'm trying to set a record for longest title
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olderthannetfic ¡ 2 years ago
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I posted 13,198 times in 2022
That's 9,790 more posts than 2021!
11,477 posts created (87%)
1,721 posts reblogged (13%)
Blogs I reblogged the most:
@olderthannetfic
@jikook-real
@elfwreck
@lierdumoa
@longholyscream
That's right. The person I reblog from most is MYSELF.
I tagged 158 of my posts in 2022
#lol - 38 posts
#fic downloading project - 15 posts
#what? what? - 5 posts
#yup - 4 posts
#;) - 3 posts
#hahahahahahaha - 2 posts
#lolololol - 2 posts
#ao3 - 2 posts
#lololol - 2 posts
#hahahahahahahaha - 2 posts
Longest Tag: 118 characters
#but youtube and places are filled with bizarre-ass seemingly algorithmically generated nonsense in place of real hacks
My Top Posts in 2022:
#5
Because it’s a major cultural shift
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Dude, aside from people just going “ugh, kids”, the whole point is that the assumption that sites have algorithms is a sign of how the entire internet has been ruined. It’s a major cultural shift and a terrible one.
AO3 is the opposite of obscure in fanfic fandom, and its entire existence is political and an act of resistance.
No shit people react to cluelessness about how it sorts content: how it sorts content is a conscious ethical statement.
And to answer this other person’s comment:
See the full post
9,342 notes - Posted August 7, 2022
#4
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No, no, and NO.
AO3 does not live in “the cloud” because that is other people’s computers, and other people’s computers are vulnerable to censorship.
AO3 is on its own computers. It does still have to be housed somewhere, and I suppose a determined enough hater could try to find that place and go after it, but it’s a lot harder than sending spurious complaints to Amazon or whomever going “BadWrong things are hosted on your cloud service!”
Owning the servers is a core tenet of OTW/AO3.
11,289 notes - Posted July 5, 2022
#3
You keep talking about the origins of AO3 as this group effort by an actual group of people who were friends and who spent time discussing this with each other in person. It's kind of blowing my mind. Is there a post or a journal somewhere that specifically keeps record of this?
--
I'm dying.
Nonnie, seriously?
No, that's mean, I know you're serious. It's just flabbergasting how much fandom has expanded and how much there isn't a direct link to the past.
Astolat and Cesperanza floated the idea at Vividcon and various places, I think, though I wasn't going to cons in that era. We were all on LJ in those days, and Astolat made a big post nailing her theses to the door. Discussion in the comments was instant and prolonged.
A LJ com was set up to discuss. It was later renamed to otw_news, but if you go all the way back to the beginning, you can see brainstorming mess instead of official news posts.
Fanlore page linking to Astolat's post and giving a little context.
Early brainstorming: https://otw-news.livejournal.com/2007/05/
For example, here I am collecting links to older archives to look at for research when designing AO3.
Fun fact, we never intended to call it AO3. There was a whole call for name suggestions, but nothing was as evocative as astolat's original post title referencing Virginia Woolf. (For those who haven't thought about it, AO3's name is a reference to A Room of One's Own.)
Here's the name discussion
Here's the poll that came out of it
But also notice how many people voted: 562.
That's how many people cared at the time: a few hundred. Maybe a thousand if you count lurkers, but frankly, that community was not as lurkery as now. It wasn't just ten friends. It was a community effort. But what "our" community looked like at the time was vastly different. It was six degrees of Kevin Bacon astolat, not a vast sea of strangers like fic fandom on AO3 is now.
Here's an early post suggesting we ban the under 18s from the site entirely. Pity we didn't do so, given the rise of antis.
Here's the invite to a fundraising party at astolat's in NYC that following Halloween. I dressed as Amanda from Highlander, not very well.
You can tell we knew each other by looking at those comments on astolat's initial post. You can also tell how discussion-based that part of fandom was back in 2007.
The way my tumblr is now with a ton of text, back and forth, and hopping around between threads of conversation, all featuring a consistent set of faces, is very much like LJ. Most of tumblr is not.
12,529 notes - Posted February 3, 2022
#2
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*cackling*
If OTW weren’t around, this wouldn’t be “scaremongering”: It would be the inescapable status quo.
25,178 notes - Posted April 9, 2022
My #1 post of 2022
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81,482 notes - Posted August 6, 2022
Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →
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kryoymir ¡ 2 years ago
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I released the Soulfire EP a couple weeks shy of a year ago so here's some fun facts about each track.
01 - ERROR
The main sound of the track is me hammering away on my Black widow v3 Keyboard run through several effect plugins
It's not particularly audible but the main chord progression from Outworld plays on a piano through the entire song
This is the second KryoYmir song to feature my voice in any fashion, and the fifth of my overall career
02 - OUTWORLD
This song existed in an unfinished form for over a year before I had a stroke of inspiration and put 75% of it together over the course of a weekend
I knew what I wanted the song to be called as soon as I wrote the arpeggio melody
It was written for another project I never published more than a couple songs under
03 - BETWEEN DREAMS
To tell you the truth, I'm not sure what the genesis of the title was, but I know it remained untitled until shortly before I decided to release it
It was written at the same time as a VOID NXLL song I don't truthfully remember the name for at the moment. I was playing with that style of music and produced the VN song, which is darker in tone, and this one, which is slightly more upbeat.
I fucked up the logo for the YouTube video and it's slightly askew. I'm sorry
The cover was made entirely in GIMP, and is one of three covers I've made that carries that distinction.
04 - LOADING
There was a certain Accel World song I had in mind when I wrote this. No I don't remember what it's called.
It had no title until I was putting together the release for distribution. To this day the associated files on my hard drive are "untitled[date]"
I enjoy the effect but the whole "reversed notes" thing is kind of a hassle when using VSTs imo
05 - MONOLITH
this song was actually a VOID NXLL song for the longest time, about a year and a half. I decided to add some poppier elements and put it on Soulfire
This is the third iteration of the track. The first was when it was originally written for the VN full-length. The second was when I was working on the Staring Into The Void EP. The third was when I decided to put it on Soulfire.
It's my personal favorite off the EP
06 - THE NEVERENDING MEMORY
Okay I actually DO remember the origin of the title. I've had the core elements of the song for a while, and haven't been able to fit them anywhere, but they kept haunting me like a really embarrassing memory you just can't stop thinking about. Hence the title
I'm actually not a huge fan of how this one turned out. I've soured on it significantly since release day.
07 - GOODBYE
This was the last song written for the EP.
At the time of recording I was ready to quit music entirely, hence the name. It was intended to be the last thing I ever wrote.
The sounds at the end are me getting up from my desk, turning my PC off, grabbing my keys, putting my shoes and coat on, and leaving my apartment. It was supposed to symbolize me moving on from music.
Looking back, I realize that my burnout and lack of inspiration were actually symptoms of a depressive episode I was going through. Since getting my mental state back on track I've slowly started trying to work music back into my life
08 - ThGrFn
This is currently a Bandcamp exclusive bonus track. Currently you have to buy the EP for it to be visible but I might change that.
The original title was The Grande Finale. I couldn't think of a new one so I abbreviated it.
It was written, I shit you not, the same week Kryo2020 came out.
The breakdown is probably the coolest part of the song in my opinion
I've been trying to make the song work on a proper release since I wrote it but it just isn't up to snuff yet.
BONUS: fun facts about the overall release
The back and cover photos are a heavily processed picture of a set of Razer Tiamat headphones.
My then-girlfriend took the cover photos and oversaw the treatment of them. I say then-girlfriend because I proposed to her about a week before release. We're currently set to marry next November.
I originally intended to launch a CD version alongside it but once I sent the album off for distribution I just didn't feel like thinking about it anymore and decided not to. I might do a cassette at some point.
To date it's probably one of my favorite album covers I've done.
Outworld is currently the most-streamed track on Spotify off the EP. Monolith is the second.
Alright, that's all I have to say about this one. I might do another post like this for another release if I feel like it.
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strapstreams ¡ 2 years ago
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Going forward with Gunvolt 3
So as I'm testing how long it takes to get through GV3, it's at this time I realize that I've been playing it only with English voices.
I plan to get through the whole story, including true ending and epilogue but not the secret ending since I'm still working on that for my main file, I'm not going to entertain doing all that for the stream side of things the same way I refused to entertain doing Luminous Avenger iX 2's hard mode on stream and instead resorted to only recording the story-relevant portions of it.
At the moment nearly two hours of content is here and I just finished up the halfway point for the main story.
If my Epilogue file is to be believed, there's about 1.5-2 hours there, too. Going to run through the other parts of the game to see if there's any easy end points, but I will give this game props where they're due: At least GV3 allows you to stop and readjust things when you hit the halfway marks rather than just dump you into the missions without even letting you change abilities or save.
This means I'm going through the whole game to see, not only if doing the usual "Three missions per stream" set up as I've been trying to do for GV titles can last as long as I'd like them to, but also if I should just split the playthrough into three parts instead.
There's 15 main missions, plus true end, plus 6 epilogue missions, but the issue is that while this gives us a total of 22 missions to go through, some missions can be easily beaten in under two minutes, while some have taken me almost 18.5 (due to exploration of the stage for completionism), hence the testing. After all, if I stuck completely with the "Three missions per stream" set up, one of those streams would be a little over half an hour long if I'm going off the longest times I have. Granted, those longest times are not necessarily the first time I went through the missions, as unlike with iX2 you're only able to see the times involved with your Best Score and Best Time on each mission, and sometimes to get a better score you need to take longer on a mission than you otherwise would if you were just heading towards the end.
But I thought I'd let you all know what's going on and what the plan so far is for the final streams for the Gunvolt franchise until iX3 or GV4 come out.
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galaxyharlot ¡ 2 years ago
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Hello! Computer scientist here and I'd like to agree with this and try to help accurately describe what a neural network does.
I find it most comparable to archeology. You know how we draw estimates of what a dinosaur might have looked like based on the bones we find, and how for the longest time we thought they didn't have feathers because we never found records of feathers? In one way, its a lot like that.
In another way, its like trying to read sheet music. You need context to know what you're looking at, and you're probably not going to figure it out by listening to the song while reading it. You need someone to tell you how notes associate to a keyboard.
Now, lets try to bring this a bit closer to the literal example we have today - neural network generated images. I'm going to be one step removed again, and keep talking about music. You know how music is very commonly presented as a waveform? Lets go ahead and use this as a mental model to work off of.
Imagine an 5 note music box cover of a popular rock song while I describe this. They present as something similar to a Guitar Hero track for simplicity's sake. You'll be able to see where notes get picked and where they get held. You could pretty reasonably produce something that simulates that by drawing your own guitar hero map, right? Take the average or the mode of it all, your choice, you'll have a nice "this sounds like the most generic thing ever."
That incredibly generic version of the song is our starting point. We want to mutate from there. Mutating is where you randomly shift some of this stuff around, and then you try to smooth it out to resemble the other guitar heros maps - removing stuff that other maps don't have, ensure they all have time signatures, etc. In a neural network each action like this is known as a hidden layer. A complex neural network has lots of hidden layers.
So now we have some layers to explain. An input thats a randomized version of the generic map. A hidden layer that removes notes that are orphaned. A hidden layer that resizes the notes so they are correct to the time signature. Another hidden layer that introduces notes in spaces with useless blanks. A hidden layer that ensures all the notes in the map resemble popular time signatures.
After all this we have our output, a guitar hero map file.
The neural network learned what a time signature is by looking at every existing guitar hero map and seeing that almost all of them had the same sets of notes together, and just made a note of that somewhere. It learned time signatures the same way. So on and so on for its other hidden layers. Most neural network programs ask you to define how many hidden layers there are. Whenever I've made toy neural networks I've found it best to try and visualize all those steps I described and giving it that number then increase or decrease it during testing.
During training you feed a neural network inputs and outputs. So we'd be giving it a feed of our generic ur-song, and an example output of a pre-existing guitar hero map. These two items let it fill in those neural networks itself.
Image generators do the same thing. They have a collection of tagged artwork and use that as the inputs and outputs. You can have multiple inputs in addition to hidden layers and you can have multiple outputs. So, most image generators are likely being fed the tags and the descriptions as the input, and the image as the output. They might have a hand-made ur-image like I've described with the guitar hero example, but its more likely the neural network creates this itself in the hidden layers.
Anyway this is a long way of saying "If you want to commit direct action against neural networks, give your artwork the shittiest useless descriptions and titles and tags. Its the best way to fuck up their collections."
Give artwork nonsense commentary too, they probably use that as an input. Imagine everything that they can use as an input and poison it.
are you scared of the whole AI art thing? What do you think about it?
"Scared" is the wrong word, I think. "Pissed" is probably more accurate. The technology underlying the concept is interesting, but its current form transparently functions by mining data from artists who didn't consent to have their work used like that. Arguments over whether it's "real art" or whatever aside, that is unethical and gross and a class-action lawsuit waiting to happen.
I think the people scared that this is going to replace actual living artists are severely overestimating the technology at play here and possibly don't understand computers very much.
The reason why computers are a fascinating mix of very smart and very stupid is because they are only good at doing exactly what they are told. Human thought, communication and creation is based on a process of flexible interpretation. Our brains take in patterns of light and sound and interpret them into shapes and figures and speech - a process that is imperfect, messy and susceptible to any number of disruptions from minor chemical alterations to major brain injuries. We read text and subtext and emotional undertones into what we hear, we extrapolate assumptions from the things we see. It's an extremely messy process with a lot of room for error, as evinced by miscommunications, corner-of-the-eye shadow people, "are you mad at me I feel like you're mad at me", getting hangry, assigning personalities to car taillights, audio processing disorders, and about a million other human idiosyncrasies.
Art, down to its bones, is about interpretation - the artist interpreting a slice of the world and the audience interpreting that art. This is why no two people experience the same story the same way, and why no two artists create the same work.
Computers, in contrast, are not messy. Or, to be more accurate, they aren't naturally messy. They do exactly what they are told. They have no context, no axioms, no common sense and no rules except what they're given. A human told to write a sentence over and over again and never being told to stop will eventually get bored or tired or hungry or pissed and stop. A computer told to 'while 1: printf("Hello World!")' will do it forever until the power goes out or someone notices and forces it to stop. A person told "hey man can you go to the store and get me a mango, and if they have apples get five" will acquire a mango and possibly five apples. A computer told the same instruction may well turn up with five mangos. A computer won't do anything if you forget to close a parenthesis or put in a semicolon somewhere in a thousand lines of code because it's doing exactly what it's told. The eternal frustration of computer science is figuring out why the stupid computer isn't doing what you told it to do, and the answer is always "you didn't tell it what to do right. Find the missing parenthesis. Don't capitalize that one variable."
An artist told to paint a fantastical landscape might paint beautiful mountains or flying cities or the high, arching curves of Saturn-style rings or ancient ruins or massive skeletons or any number of things. A computer told to render a fantastical landscape will, as I understand it, comb through a database it's been given by a human, find works a human or a human-trained algorithm tagged with "fantastical" "landscape" (or, if it's been made a little more complex, a word-web of other tags commonly added by a human to things tagged with "fantastical" and "landscape") and use a very impressive program created by a human to recombine them into a mashup of "fantastical" "landscapes" that may or may not parse correctly to the human who looks at it. The computer doesn't know. The computer isn't thinking. It's just doing what it's been told to do.
If we stop thinking of computers like people that are going to take our jobs and start thinking of them like tools that people use, the whole situation becomes a lot clearer. The technology isn't the problem. The people who baked in stolen datasets and the people who are using the tool to be dicks to artists are the problem. I'm not scared of the tech and I'm not scared of the people - I just wish they'd stop being dicks.
And even if we do reach the theoretical point where a computer can create art that actually stands up to scrutiny - you know, where the hands don't look like calamari plates and the eyes and teeth don't blur together and sharp delineating lines between clothing and skin don't just sort of dissolve into shadowy vagueness - I think that'll be the point we just shift into the "holy shit! two cakes!!" zone. 3D animation didn't make 2D animation obsolete. 4K screens didn't kill pixel art. The printing press didn't kill painting. Video only killed the radio star until podcasts brought them back. People enjoy lots of things.
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humanmoodring-retired ¡ 3 years ago
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When Will My Reflection Show Who I Am Inside? || Metzli & Nadia
TIMING: Current, but, like ~at night~ PARTIES: @deathisanartmetzli​ & @humanmoodring SUMMARY: Fun house mirrors are neither fun nor reflective of the people that they show. CONTENT: Domestic abuse, panic attack
The last time the carnival was in town, Nadia was possessed. That seemed to be a running theme in her life, a joke that she wasn’t in on. Something would happen. How the fuck would Nadia know? She was possessed during that time. When was it? Doesn’t matter. She was probably possessed. Or recovering from being possessed. Or gearing up for a possession. Who knew?
But Nadia was doing the damn carnival thing, now. There were so many fucking people. Too many goddamn, fucking people. It was almost overwhelming, and Nadia stopped, hands deep in her jacket pocket, trying not to look too caught up in the emotions of the people around her before she focused on the literal dead spot next to her. That. The nothingness. She had to just… focus on the nothingness. She looked at the person where the nothingness was and shrugged. “It’s alright, I guess.”
“All right? This was your idea, Juicebox.” Metzli nudged Nadia with their elbow and looked around the clusters of people. So many meals, yet they were unable to touch a single one. A tickle in their throat surfaced only for a second, and they swallowed it back. “What do you even wanna hit up first? I’ve never really been to one of these. Not in America. We had tianguis in Mexico. I wasn’t even allowed to go to those. Had to sneak.” Shrugging, they gestured forward and looked around for something interesting. They figured it wouldn’t take long, considering the sheer amount of fae blood they smelled.
Metzli was on edge, not necessarily feeling like seeing Nadia was a bright idea. Eloy’s minions were definitely watching, they could already feel the cameras snapping their shots. But they needed to get out, do something that wasn’t fighting. Their body was too tired, face and torso bruised and cut from their late-night outings. A break was in order, just for tonight, maybe just for a few hours, and then it was back to their punishments. Hiding their exhaustion and overall disdain was difficult, but it didn’t really matter now. “Anything catching your eye?”
“I’m peachy,” Nadia said. She was fine. It was just a bunch of people. She’d been through far worse than a fucking carnival. Though, she did feel the need to tack on, “When I was younger, like twelve or thirteen or something, I didn’t know I was an empath. I just thought I got overwhelmed in crowds. So, like, there was this one time we were at a circus, and I went with my parents. Fucking catastrohpic. Such a bad idea. I had a fucking panic attack.” She shrugged. “So, yeah, like, this kinda shit’s a little overrated, you know.”
Nadia didn’t have to be able to feel Metzli’s emotions to tell that they were tense, likely still unsure about whether or not this was a good idea. But Nadia didn’t really care. “Chill,” she said quietly, knowing that they could hear. “Just, like, live your life, alright? Unlife. Whatever.” She looked around. “This is your carnival experience, thude. Think about what you wanna do. I know the candy apples might not be your thing, but who knows? They might have fang-friendly options around here.”
Metzli shot Nadia a glare and growled quietly at her, “I am chill. This is my chill.” Features softened though, grateful that Nadia used their preferred term. It was still so strange to have someone respect that aspect of them so easily. Behaving like a petulant child was their default when they were irritated or angry. Expressing themselves wasn’t so easy, it wasn’t allowed for so long that their emotions usually came out in small but juvenile bursts. Swallowing thickly, they shot their head around to find something, anything for the two to do.
“How about that?” Metzli pointed at the Hall of Mirrors, a little more relaxed now. Mirrors would be easy for them to take. They didn’t have to do anything but look at a glass image that didn’t stare back at them. Eyes met with Nadia’s, and the colorful lights glowed on her skin, danced around in a flurry. It reminded them of Macleod, and how colors of the television danced off of her in a similar fashion when she spent the night making them feel safe.
Throat tightened again, not out of hunger, but out of something else they couldn’t really decipher. They couldn’t think about that now, though. Like Nadia said, Metzli needed to chill.
Laughing, Nadia said, “Oh, yeah. You’re real fucking chill, Metzli.” It was much easier for her to tease them like this, to show them that she wasn’t particularly intimidated by their growls and bad attitudes. She’d learned pretty easily that she didn’t have to give into childish outbursts. If they were gonna attack her, they would, and she’d deal with that, later. Otherwise, they just needed to lash out, sometimes. She’d let them, even if she wouldn’t humor them.
“A hall of mirrors?” she asked, raising an eyebrow at them. “I mean, sure. It doesn’t look that busy. Isn’t that gonna be, like, kind of lame for you, though? Since you don’t have a reflection and everything.” Though, really, Nadia was just fine with going to the Hall of Mirrors. Hell, there was no line. She could get a small reprieve from being around people before finding something else to do at the carnival. There were way more people here than there were typically at the library or even the bar.
Eyes rolled and Metzli flipped Nadia off as they tread forward to the Hall of Mirrors without bothering to look back. Her steps were heard easily enough and they thought aloud, “Figure I should start with something easy if I’m gonna be here. There’s too many damn snacks here. Uh, I mean, people. There’s too many people.” They sucked their teeth at themselves and stopped at the gate right before the gatekeeper stopped them. In the midst of their building tension, they didn’t realize they had sped up their walking, leaving Nadia a little behind. Foot tapped rapidly, waiting for her to catch up.
“Sorry.” They apologized weakly, not truly meaning it, but doing so out of social obligation. Once Nadia had successfully gotten to the gate, the entrance was opened for the pair to walk through and begin their experience. Metzli felt a strange energy from the gatekeeper, not liking the ominous nature of his existence. Mouth opened to make a snide remark, but they were ushered forward and were inside before they managed to.
“There’s a lot of fucking people here,” Nadia muttered, looking around and shoving her hands further into the pockets of her jacket. Too many people, and everyone was feeling something. As Metzli walked ahead, other people drifted in closer, allowing Nadia to feel excitement, anger, fear, joy, all of it bordering on overwhelming. She didn’t feel much of anything from the person in front of the attraction as she made it to the Hall of Mirrors, but she didn’t pay him any mind as she followed after Metzli.”
“It’s cool,” she told them. It was already much quieter in her head, and Nadia appreciated that as she walked into the Hall of Mirrors after them. She could tell Metzli was about to pop off something, but she was more focused on the fact that she could see Metzli’s back in one of the mirrors in front of them. Which… should not be happening. “Uh, Metz, I don’t think these are normal mirrors.”
“What?” Metzli whipped around quickly and got startled by their image. They yelped in surprise and stumbled back, falling in the process. “W-what the fuck?!” Scooting back until they felt Nadia behind them, they rambled intelligibly. Finding words was impossible as their brain struggled to comprehend that they were seeing their reflection. Narrowed eyes noticed a change forming, like a thick mass inside the mirror, but focus was ripped and brought to Nadia.
Metzli stood up quickly and got behind Nadia, similar to when a child does when they are full of fear. “That’s not supposed to happen. How is this—okay, Bookworm, you know things, right? Explain this.” An answer was demanded, not even considering Nadia may not even know much of anything on vampires. Hell, she asked Metzli questions about vampires plenty of times, so they were subconsciously aware of the possibility.
Clearly, Metzli wasn’t expecting to see their reflection, either. Nadia could barely make out the rapid combination of English and Spanish in their words as they tried to piece together what was going on. “Hey, Metzli, it’s okay. Todo bien, si?” And she didn’t know if it was okay or not. It sure didn’t fucking seem okay. But if she could reassure them then, sure, yeah, she’d say it’s okay.
“I know things,” Nadia said slowly. Sort of. She sort of knew things. She knew the feeling of an exorcism, and she knew not to promise people or say thank you, and she knew that vampires didn’t have reflections except in carnival fun houses. “I don’t know this. I… This is a little outta my wheelhouse. Going off what you’ve told me, vampires don’t have fucking reflections.” Nadia reached behind her enough to pat them on the shoulder before walking forward slowly, peering into the mirror. “I wonder if it’s made out of some sort of material that you actually can be reflected back in. I mean, you show up in water, right? And you can have your picture taken…”
Nadia’s Spanish was unexpected, but the way it soothed them was too. It immediately caused their mind to focus on the women in front of them walking forward to the mirrors. Following closely, Metzli tensed at the sight of what seemed like hundreds of them. Experiencing their reflection in such a way was completely foreign and caused their instincts to be on high alert. That’s why, when one of the mirrors on the outside of their vision began to morph, they growled and crouched down to attack.
It seemed like the mirror melted into its new picture, fluidly changing and taking shape. The other mirrors began to ripple too, one by one. The same picture as the first. Their mother, holding them down, and their father giving one of the final lashes. The basement came into view and Metzli screamed. “No! Please! No!” They fell to the ground again and crawled backwards, straight into another mirror that brought the horror of the dark basement closer to view and they cried even harder.
“Ya no. Por favor. Me voy portar bien. Lo juro.” Metzli repeated in a trembling mumble over and over again. Their whole body shook, pulling their knees to their chest, and taking the shape of a small ball on the floor. “Lo juro…lo juro…”
“Easy there, Fangs,” Nadia said as Metzli crouched and growled and seemed almost feral, but she couldn’t particularly blame them. She didn’t know how she’d react to seeing her reflection in a mirror after so many years. Hell, she could barely stand seeing herself as it was. When your own reflection reminded you of someone else, someone you hated, it was best to just not see it. So that’s what Nadia tried to do. She tried to not see it.
She couldn’t help but glance in one of the mirrors only to see a memory that haunted her. Herself, a few years younger, grinning with bloody hands leaving imprints on her bathroom sink. Her eyes were panicked, but her grin was large, depraved. Nadia looked away as soon as she heard Metzli scream. She hated the relief she felt, but at least she didn’t have to look at herself.
Walking over to Metzli slowly, her hands in front of her with her palms exposed, Nadia murmured. “Todo bien, Metzli. Ellos no pueden lastimarte.” They can’t hurt you. She didn’t know what Metzli was seeing, what had caused them to react so horribly, but she knew it wasn’t good. “Don’t look in the mirrors. Cierra… tus ojos.” It had been a stupid long time since Nadia had to do anything but read Spanish. Her father would be so annoyed with the way she thought too long over the words, but, really, he wouldn’t have been surprised. She never spoke Spanish with him, anyway. “Tus ojos,” she said, and she put one of her own hands over her eyes. “Don’t look in the mirrors.”
Nadia’s voice was completely muffled, not by any physical force, but the pure panic that clouded every one of Metzli’s senses. Fear quickly turned into anger, fueled by the instinct to eliminate any threat. Fangs emerged as Metzli didn’t listen, couldn’t listen to Nadia and heed her suggestion. They rose quickly and lunged at one of the mirrors but halted at the sight of Eloy behind them. Fearful eyes, their own eyes, bore into themselves and they whipped around to try and attack, but nothing greeted them except for their lone reflection.
As Nadia remained where she was, covering her eyes, Metzli desperately searched for a way out. But there was only a parade of them and the ongoing rippling changes of whatever hell it wanted to show them. Except, it didn’t. And for a brief moment, they saw themselves standing in the field of the ranch and they let out a choked laugh. Emotions changed just as quickly as the images, though, and a new one formed. Despite Nadia’s pleas to cover their eyes, they didn’t. They had to keep looking. Macleod was holding them, kissing them. And then it went back.
“No!” Metzli yelled and saw themselves being shoved into the basement again. They practically begged for the previous vision, backing away before tripping and falling. Bracing themselves for the impact of the mirror, it never came. Simply put, they just continued to fall backwards into it. “Nadia!” A hand reached out, grabbing her arm and pulling her with them into the unknown.
“Metzli, it’s not real!” Nadia said, and she kept her eyes down and covered, refusing to look into the reflections, to give in. Until she heard them moving around, and her head snapped up. She caught her reflection, and it was… nice. She was standing at a podium wearing glasses (she wondered if that meant she finally gave in and bought glasses), pointing to a board and holding up a book. It was nice. The Nadia in the mirror looked up and smiled before frowning at something behind the actual Nadia.
She whipped her head around and watched herself being exorcised. It wasn’t any easier the fourth time. Then, Metzli was calling out to her, and Nadia looked at them long enough to see the panic in their eyes as they reached out and grabbed her. Nadia wouldn’t have been able to pull away even if they didn’t have super strength, their backwards momentum dragging her along into the mirror. And where it should have shattered it instead gave away, rippling around them like water without being wet. “Oh, fuck,” Nadia said as they were ingulfed in darkness.
The familiar room surrounded the two, the unforgiving darkness and violent cold jolted Metzli to a state of panic. Nadia and them were in the basement. Head jerked up to look at the door at the top of the stairs. Streaks of light came through below, interrupted by shadows walking past. “No...no, no, no, no…” It smelled horrid and rank. Buckets were in a not very far corner, where they were forced to relieve themselves and rotten food at the end of the stairs. It was small, but it was their hell. Metzli knew better than to scream. That only caused more lashes. It is best to never be seen or heard. Their mother always said that, so that was how they lived.
So Metzli dropped to the ground and sobbed quietly to themselves as they rocked back and forth, running their hands through their hair and tugging at it. “D-don’t make any sound. They’ll get mad.”
“It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real,” Nadia muttered, over and over again, because this was the inside of a fucking mirror, so of course it wasn’t real. It smelled real, though, and it sounded real, and looked real. But it wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. They’d fallen through a fucking mirror. Shit like that wasn’t real.
Nadia hooked her hands under Metzli’s arms and began pulling at them, getting them to sit up and then tugging on them to stand. If they didn’t, though, she’d drag them. Nadia didn’t give a fuck. They were gonna get out of there. There was a door, a reprieve, and she began to move towards it, throwing it open.
They were outside, and it looked almost like the carnival, except it was much hotter. It was a dry heat, even at night. Nadia looked around the carnival, and she felt thirteen again, and there was too much. Too many people, too bright lights, too much noise. She let go of Metzli, her boots tripping over a rock as she held her head. “Fuck. Fuck. Not real. Fuck.”
Metzli begged Nadia to not open the door. Opening the door meant more punishments, more pain. Aching legs moved them forward to try and stop her, but she had the door open faster than they could react. The images, the surroundings, all of it changed before them and they stumbled as Nadia let them go. Now it was her falling apart, and Metzli was the calm one, catching her before she hit the ground. They nodded at her, silently agreeing at first and then finding their voice. “Not real. It’s not. We have to get out. Come on, Nadia.”
Wrapping their arms around her carefully, they picked her up and ran as fast as they could out of the crowds. Metzli knew what a panic attack looked like, and Nadia was having one, or she was about to. Her heart was beating so fast and she sounded terrified. They attempted to comfort her,  “We’ll find a way out. We’ll find it.” Whether their words would actually help, they didn’t know, but the least they could do was try. She had, for them.
There was a break in the crowd, and then they were in what Eloy called, The Starving Room. “Oh no, no, no, no.” Metzli grew worried at the sight of vampires, all of them starving. They tried to find an exit so they could get away. All of the creatures were pulling their chains to their ends to try and reach the pair, the hunger making them feral. The hallway finally led to a door and Metzli threw their back against it to rip it open. Upon falling through, they both fell into a new environment, one Metzli couldn’t recognize at all.
“I’m fine,” Nadia said, her heart pounding. She couldn’t catch her breath. It felt like too much. Too fucking much. She couldn’t even differentiate everything that was coming in, overwhelming her. Now, she knew it was other people’s emotions. Before, she’d had no idea.
And then it was quiet. At least, it was quiet in Nadia’s head. The sounds of starving vampires was decidedly not quiet as she watched vampires pull against chains. What the fuck was this? What was this place? What was happening? What the fuck was going on with the goddamn mirrors?
Nadia and Metzli fell, and she caught herself, her pavement digging into her palms as she looked up to see an alleyway. She watched as red hair disappeared behind a corner.
“Brook!” Nadia’s head jerked around to watch her own self, several years younger and drunk, stumble after the redhead. But that wasn’t Brook. Nadia had been stupid, so fucking stupid, to mistake her friend for that bitch Cordelia. She knew what happened after this. This was the first night in a long series of forgotten nights and forgotten years. She looked away. “We’ve got to get the fuck out.”
Strangers walked in the distance and Nadia called out an unfamiliar name. This was for her now. Metzli finally gathered that the mirrors created images from the person’s memories, or something like that. This was something that was from deep within Nadia’s mind, and it plagued her based on her body language and tone of voice. “Y-Yeah, we d-do.” There was no way to steady their voice and Metzli wasn’t going to attempt anyway. Finding the exit was the only thing that mattered. Their eyes widened when a door caught their eye, and they quickly grabbed Nadia to pull her up. Bolting to it, they dragged her by the elbow behind them in hopes of the door being their escape.
“We just have t-to keep trying. We have to. We—there’s got to be a way out!” Metzli’s body didn’t make impact with the door. Instead, just like before with the mirrors, their body rippled through a thick wall that felt like going through glue, before landing on the hard ground. Nadia landed on top of them and they recognized their surroundings again. They were back where they started, in the hall of mirrors.
Metzli scrambled to their feet and continued to pull Nadia with them to the exit. “Fuck this place. Fuck this place!” The fresh night air hit their skin and they let go of Nadia’s arm as they fell on all fours, finally past the gate that was no longer manned.
Nadia didn’t have time to properly comprehend that they’d made it back into the Hall of Mirrors before Metzli was dragging them both out into the evening. She breathed in fresh air, gulping it into her lungs. She never thought that she’d be happy to experience the cool crispness of Maine autumn air. Anything was better than that dry, oppressive heat. Anything was better than that dank, rotten air in those basements.
Not quite falling over, Nadia stood with her hands on her knees, panting. “Fuck all of that,” she said. She looked at Metzli and went over to them, putting her hands under their arms and starting to try and drag them up to stand.
“Get up,” Nadia told them. “Get up. We can do the falling apart thing later, soon, but not here. We’re gonna get the hell out of here.” Away from those fucking mirrors, at the very least. Nadia wanted to get away from those mirrors. Maybe even get some shitty carnival fool. Whatever. Just get them away from those mirrors, those memories.
Their whole body shook uncontrollably and it was an internal battle to continue. To work past the failing use of their legs, of their arms, of their whole body. But Nadia was right, it wasn’t the time to fall apart. So Metzli picked themselves up and took Nadia’s hand, squeezing it softly. Ensuring to themselves that she had to be real. Everything else they saw wasn’t. But Nadia was. “We’re leaving.” Fingers interlaced together, and they hoped Nadia wouldn’t pull away. They needed to be anchored, to feel someone they trusted close to them. Feet moved, and they walked straight for the exit, crying and not looking at anyone who could possibly stare. And so many eyes did stare. The weight of their eyes tugged at their skin, but that weight dispersed the second the two reached the outside perimeter of the carnival.
Legs failed once more, no longer stepping forward. Metzli looked somberly at Nadia, cheeks stained with tears. The lump in their throat cracked their words, but they still tried to speak, “What now?”
It was much easier, now, to try and ignore the influx of emotions (concern, apprehension, amusement, others) that was assaulting Nadia than it had been when she was younger. She focused instead on the void that was Metzli, on the fact that they didn’t feel like anything at all. If she wanted to know their emotions, she had to read their face, watch their expressions. And they were clearly tired and overwhelmed, and Nadia could get that. She got that.
Looking over at them, Nadia kept her eyes soft. She didn’t let go of their hand. They seemed to need it. “There’s no one around that I can feel. We can just, like, chill for a minute if you want to. Or go get a drink, or just hang out.” She shrugged. “I’d rather not be alone right now, if it’s cool with you.” And if she was saying that more for their benefit then theirs, that was no one’s business but Nadia’s.
“That was shit,” Nadia said quietly, knowing they could hear. “That was real shit, but the night’s still young. We don’t have to end it there, and we don’t have to talk about any of it if you don’t want to. Or we can. But it’s up to you. Just know that we don’t have to leave it there, okay?”
“I don’t want to be alone either.” Metzli croaked. Pain was written all over their face, and even though they were facing Nadia and looking directly at her face, their eyes avoided hers. The mirrors reopened old wounds, ones thought to be fully healed and scarred. But they were only infected by the illusion of ‘time heals all wounds.’ It didn’t, and it never does. Not when you use your own veins as thread to have the hurt sewn into your skin.
Even as their emotions continued to bleed, they couldn’t actually look at Nadia, but they smiled warily at her kindness. “I’m sorry you had to see…my stuff.” Metzli struggled to find the right words. Especially because they weren’t even sorry that she had to see it. They were sorry because of how ashamed they were of their past. They struggled with the idea that someone got to not only witness, but actually experience their shameful past. And they even struggled to let themselves go forward, but they did it anyway. Both of them needed it, so Metzli let go of Nadia’s hand and wrapped both arms around her. It said everything they couldn’t, and then some.
After a few moments, they muttered, “We won’t leave it here. Let’s go get a drink.”
Nadia shrugged. “I’m sorry you have to deal with all of that on your own. That’s not the kind of stuff that people should shoulder on their own.” She blinked as Metzli wrapped their arms around her, and then she returned the hug gently. She patted them on the back and waited for them to be the first one to pull away. Metzli needed it. Hell, they both did.
“Drinks are good. I can do drinks. Maybe Dell’s? They’re sliders are wicked good, and I’m actually hungry for something greasy. I think it was the carnival food, but I’m not going back in there for the time being.” Maybe Nadia would check it out again at some other point. Not now, though. For now, the two of them needed to get out of there.
Panic attacks and ghosts. Nadia couldn’t help but feel grateful that was what the mirrors showed them of her life. She didn’t think she could do another exorcism. She didn’t think she could do being thrown out of her own body. It was better to feel too much. It was better to chase ghosts. “Can you taste things if they’re, like, really strong? Because I bet if you put hot sauce on things, it’d help.”
Metzli pulled away and nodded at Nadia, very into the idea of going to Dell’s even if they’d never been a patron there. “Sorry,” they muttered and rubbed the back of their neck sheepishly. Drinks and some nearly tasteless burgers sounded really good. Having Nadia’s company to talk about nothing or talk about everything made their anxiety lessen and they smiled.
“I don’t know, but I guess we have to try now. I’ll buy the drinks if you buy the sliders.” Metzli nudged Nadia towards the parking lot and walked closely to her, not wanting to stray too far away. Her presence brought a certain lightness, one that they would expand on and take with them to the bar. The night wasn’t over, and there was plenty to do to remedy what had happened. There was enough night to bandage the wounds and start anew.
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maplecornia ¡ 3 years ago
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Namjoon
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𝔞/𝔫: this will be in Namjoon's POV
𝔴𝔬𝔯𝔡 𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔱: 2.85K
𝔤𝔢𝔫𝔯𝔢: romance | slice of life | fluff | angst | bts x female!reader | ot7
𝔰𝔲𝔪𝔪𝔞𝔯𝔶: You watched them from the sidelines ever since you were a young teenage girl. Now you’re grown up, they’ve returned after 2 long years and everything has changed. What happens when you pull back the mask and find the darkness within? What happens when you see that they’re broken?
𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰: cliffhangers | angst | fluff | slight mentions of self hatred | depression | mental health illness | self harm | occurs in the year 2024 | set in a timeline where BTS went to the military together | slight language
tags: @kookaine | @fangirl125reader | @kookiebbyxx | @taradevonne | @rae-bear | @mangminnie | @pixiekooo | @cana
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My hands flying across the keyboard, I have no room to think about anyone or anything else other than my work. I have no intention to think about anything else.
I've heard it said that there are those with a wasteland in their minds. They are constantly searching for something to give their life meaning, but everything they find isn't good enough. They are constantly trying to break the last record, find a new tune, discover another song to play in their hearts. They can never rest, they never want to rest for if they did they would lose their minds.
Pulling away from the board, I find that I'm shaking. My eyesight is wavering, I can't even think straight.
Am I the same as those lost?
Sighing, I hold my head in my hands.
What am I doing? I have no time to be worrying over things that don't matter. My gaze drifting, I notice a coffee cup on the table beside me, along with a small bag of snacks resting against it. Mildly amused, I stand to investigate, and find a note tied around the bag. Pulling on it, I blink in surprise at the neat but shaky Hangul written there.
Namjoon, I'm not too good at writing in Korean just yet so I hope that this is understandable.
This is a coffee cup, but if you need some water or an energy drink, I placed some beside your bag. This is a little bag of leftover snacks I found at the vending machine.
I'm sorry I couldn't find something better than this, but I hope it's enough for a small pick me up.
Please remember to get some rest tonight, I don't want you working too hard.
-Yen
I don't realize I'm crying until a tear runs from my cheek and lands on the small slip of paper. Surprised, I frantically dry the tear from the paper before holding it close to my chest as though it were my only comfort. The tears continue to run down my face, and I fall to the floor almost sobbing as unexplainable emotions surge through my body. Too fast and too many at once for me to be able to understand.
"Why...why are you so kind?"
Does she even realize the effect she has on my heart? The way she tears and turns it as though it were nothing? She doesn't even have to think twice about her actions. She doesn't do these things to gain something from me, in fact, she expects nothing, and yet...
She makes me want to give her the world.
.
.
.
"What are you talking about?"
Jaejin smiles at the question, almost as though he were dealing with a child who didn't want to let go of their parents on his first day of school. Scoffing almost, I fold my arms in indignation. Since when was I the child in this relationship?
"It's quite simple hyung, I'm going to be away for a couple of months. It's not that big of a deal."
"Not a big deal?!" Reaching forward, I stop him from packing. He looks up at me, a bit surprised. "Jaejin, need I remind you of your position? You can't just leave whenever you see fit. There are policies, systems set in place, responsibilities you have to uphold."
Jaejin rolls his eyes before politely removing my hand from his stuff.
"Namjoon, you didn't think I knew? I've already taken care of everything."
As he pulls away, rummaging in his desk for a pen and sticky note, I stare at him dumbfounded. He's leaving, isn't he? Just when I've come back, now one of my closest and most trusted friends is leaving me behind. Scolding myself, I try to push the feeling of being betrayed to the back of my mind.
Jaejin has a right to pursue his dreams, I shouldn't hold him back. This isn't something to be upset over, I should be happy for him, I should support his decision.
But I don't want to say goodbye.
He must've noticed my expression, for when he next speaks, I can tell his words were meant to comfort me.
"You know, you're going to love Yen."
"Yen?"
"That's the person coming in to replace me."
I stare at him, not wanting to believe his words. He's having someone come in to replace him as my manager? How can he expect someone I don't even know to replace him at my side? Just how long is he planning to stay away?
Almost sensing my discomfort, Jaejin turns to me and places his hand on my shoulder. "There's no reason to worry. Yen will do an amazing job, okay?"
"How can you be so sure?"
At my question, he gets this faraway look in his eye and beckons for me to join him as he settles down in one of the chairs set up at his desk.
"Yen is someone special, you'll probably notice that as you get to know her." I open my mouth to ask him how, but he holds his hand up, already foreseeing my immediate response. I roll my eyes at the gesture, understanding his point and shutting up.
"I'm not just saying this as her friend, she's someone who I think will help you a lot. Though she might not think she's qualified for the job, and she may doubt herself every second of the way, she will try her hardest to be the best she can be." Watching him talk about her, almost as though she were the thing he treasured the most on earth, both confuses and intrigues me. What is she, perfect? No person is, so what's the difference with her?
"Yen is the kind of person who speaks to others through their emotions. She knows when you're sad, angry, tired, she can see it all through a few gestures. With a simple look your way it's as though she can see all the hidden secrets of your soul." In his wistful eyes, I wonder about the history between the two of them. Missed chances, unspoken words, regrets, do they have any of those? The way he talks about her, I don't think they are merely just friends.
"My point is, she'll take care of you. You don't ever have to be afraid of losing yourself when she's around, because she'll always bring you back."
.
.
.
Holding the note in my hands now, the way it feels almost as though she were there right beside me, holding me as I shake from all the built-up pain and frustration, I realize that Jae is right.
She's always there, helping me, supporting me. She gave me a reason to continue, she showed me that I didn't have to take care of everyone all the time. She reassured me that I wasn't alone, that she would stay beside me no matter what happened.
.
.
.
"Your music changes with you, don't you know?"
As she sits across from me, her wide eyes piercing mine with their deep stare, I try to make some sense of her words. Yes, I understand that music changes, but what does that have to do with me and my struggles? I'm afraid I don't love making music anymore, and this is what she responds with?
She smiles almost understandingly at my perplexed expression, and I quickly hide it, unaware I was being so obvious.
"Namjoon, maybe the reason why you feel so trapped is not that you don't love music anymore, but rather because you're trying to recreate something from the past." My eyes widening at the thought, I pull away from the soundboard. Was that what I was doing? Trying to recreate a past sound when the sound inside has already changed?
"Music grows as you grow, it flourishes the same way. Maybe in order to find yourself again, you have to let go of what your music used to be." Turning to her, somehow I know she sees the pain and the fear reflected in my eyes.
What if who I am now isn't good enough? What if this person isn't worthy of his title? What if I've become what I've always been afraid of?
Nothing.
Reaching forward, she takes my hand into her small ones and smiles warmly my way. A smile meant to calm me down, a gesture meant to calm the storm that threatens to rise in my chest.
"That doesn't mean you have to forget, it doesn't mean you have to say goodbye. It just means you have to move on, and grow as you've done before. If there's one thing I know, it's that you are good enough. You are worthy of their love, you are worthy of everything you have ever accomplished."
She smiles somewhat cockily as her eyes locked with mine, almost making me forget my doubt.
"Now, you just have to prove it to them once more."
.
.
.
She taught me what I was doing this for, reminded me why I love music, why I chose this path. It was her light, her passion that showed me the way.
Raising myself off of the ground, and pocketing the note, I turn back to the computer. Back to my work. Wiping my tears, I sit down taking a deep breath before resuming.
I won't let her down.
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note: HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAMJOON! I hope you have a great birthday, and continue to be the amazing leader you have been for the longest time! I'm looking forward to the day where we can see you again.
check the Infinite Stars masterlist for more chapters
check my BTS masterlist for other BTS content
check out my masterlist for other kpop fanfics
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moxy-fruitbat ¡ 3 years ago
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I posted 815 times in 2021
20 posts created (2%)
795 posts reblogged (98%)
For every post I created, I reblogged 39.8 posts.
I added 25 tags in 2021
#star trek - 4 posts
#data soong is best boy - 3 posts
#brent spiner - 3 posts
#moxy speaks - 3 posts
#artsy fruit bat - 3 posts
#data - 2 posts
#star trek tng - 2 posts
#data soong - 2 posts
#tng - 2 posts
#time to make lunch - 1 posts
Longest Tag: 87 characters
#this is the first piece of digital art i made that hasn't been for dungeons and dragons
My Top Posts in 2021
#5
I just had a dream that the Enterprise was under some sort of mutiny or I think an invasion, and there was a "survivor team" set up in the cargo deck lead by the main TNG group. Data was put in charge, and I think we were trying to escape to a nearest planet in a shuttle, and when they were going through titles like First Officer and Security and everything, Data picked me as his unofficial right hand person.
But also we had sponsors for some reason? Data had this purple uniform on and it had a McDonalds logo, and we were in a corprorate sponsored Hunger Games type thing.
3 notes • Posted 2021-10-19 11:35:40 GMT
#4
WHY ARE MY ADS ALL FUCKED UP. IT'S JUST PICTURES OF FEET.
DID I DO SOMETHING TO GET BAD KARMA?? IF I DID I'M SORRY.
3 notes • Posted 2021-04-21 03:58:29 GMT
#3
Do y'all remember when Tumblr put tophats on everyone's icons for April Fools one year, or am I just that old?
4 notes • Posted 2021-04-01 21:17:48 GMT
#2
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I had to. It was important.
(Gloria Irwin isn’t really anyone, I just needed the lady to not look like Dr. Crusher. But I guess I have an OC now?)
9 notes • Posted 2021-04-30 16:31:22 GMT
#1
Also because I'm still thinking about the Voyager Record, it's amazing that they had 55 different languanges saying greetings, including 5 dead languages (6? Do people speak Aramaic still? I actually don't know).
Some of them are really cute, like "hello from Earth! How are you? Have you eaten yet? Please visit us if you have the time!"
And they even include Esperanto (a conlang), Quechua (a native language from South America), and !Kung (one of the African clicking languages). But I'm surprised they didn't include any other Native American languages?
Where's Navajo? Nahuatl? Any of the Inuit languages?
I mean, they did include a lot of Southeast Asian languages and Chinese dialects, and I can't be mad at these scientists trying to send out a friendly time capsule to aliens.
They did include Navajo music, too.
13 notes • Posted 2021-04-30 16:15:35 GMT
Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →
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beatsfortheillperth ¡ 7 years ago
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Words with Weirddough Part 2
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Francis Zapanta aka Weirddough out of Las Vegas, USA is an all-around blessed beat-smith and individual whom inspires us to continue expressing the love here at beatsfortheill. His positive essence and compassionate ideas make listening to tracks like “flowerz” and “reup” that little bit sweeter. Not to mention how Francis makes one appreciate the ever adapting and growing beat scene of our generation with a little more integrity.
Currently studying to become a Social Worker and working on his next album Elevatormuzik pt. 2, Weirddough is a creative that is showing no signs of slowing down and we love it. Creating music that inspires a warm heart and a mellow vibe, Francis is a genuine example of musical greatness.
So relax and enjoy words part 2 with one of our favourite beat-makers here at beatsfortheill Australia.
Inspire, Love, Relate
Hey, Francis, it’s great to chat with you again, so many releases since we last had words with you. How about we start off by asking what hip-hop means to you and what inspires you most within the hip-hop scene?
Glad to be back, thank you for having me.
Aw man, it's a culture. A way of life, an art.
I've always admired it from a young age and am forever a student of it. There are so many forms of hip-hop and it branches out into so many concepts and can fuse with almost any style.
I have always loved sampling, as to where, like in hip-hop; in other elements like b-boying, or graffiti, there are rudimentary basics and fundamentals that you follow. Once you’ve got the tools down, you can freak it in your own way.
You find that formula, your own bounce and groove. I like how people express themselves in their own way, hearing their soul in their music, as an extension of themselves.
Away from music what do you spend your time doing, and what are you drawn to on a general basis?
I've had 9 to 5's, I recently worked at a poke restaurant not too long ago. I'm currently studying to take my board exam to become a licensed Social Worker and I eventually want to go back to school in the future.
For those who are new to your sound how would you describe your music and for fun which one of your tracks would you recommend one to tune into?
I would just say it's Instrumental Hip-Hop. A reflection of what I'm feeling at the time. I would recommend “how did you know” off of Love Spells.
Who are you vibing of art and life wise as off lately that you feel our readers would love?
When it comes to drawing and painting, definitely Katsuya Terada. He freestyles huge ink drawings and they're ridiculous. I just love his line quality and his style.
Check out his Instagram @katsuyaterada.
Also, Boy Kong. He is super ill. Super talented individual. He does graffiti, murals, installations, and even tattoos. I love his vibrant colour choices and the way they pop.
Check him out, his Instagram is @boykong.
There's always a book I love reading called The Law of One by Ra. It's a book written about the universe which contains exact transcripts recorded by people while they were channelling Ra, who was an extraterrestrial being from another planet that was trying to help mankind.
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You’ve been linked up with beatsfortheill as a collective for a while now, but away from beatsfortheill what other collectives and labels do you represent? Can you share them with our readers and the mission each represents?
The first label which I was really surprised hit me up was Paxico Records. I had the honour of dropping a project with them. They are a movement representing so many talented artists that I listened and looked up to.
This is quoted from the website, www.paxicorecords.com:
"Rare & recent worldwide. We create works of art with their own mythology and folklore. The slow-growing, idiosyncratic collection of handmade records and art is an ongoing study of futurism and folklore realized in a series of releases. Each release is organized to show the special rapport between its audio and visual components."
I am also part of a collective out in Las Vegas called The Rabbit Hole. It's a group of producers and DJs. We tried expanding the scene out here through throwing monthly events every last Thursday of every month. Come through if you're in town!
This was taken from therabbitholelv.com:
"The Rabbit Hole holds monthly events as a music experience that takes our audience on a wild trip with performances by producers/DJs showcasing styles from left field bass, hip-hop instrumentals, and experimental beats. Our sounds are combined with live visuals by the best VJs in the city to elevate your senses and push the experience that much further. We aim to raise the community by establishing a profound music culture."
Paxico Records on Instagram @paxicorecords
The Rabbit Hole on Instagram @therabbitholelv
You’ve been creating beats for years that have inspired others to keep creating and sharing their own sounds, much love. What do you feel keeps you going within music?
At first, creating something really helped with my condition and it was a form of therapy for me. I used to reach out to other artists and told them that their music really helped me get through things when times were rough.
When other people started reaching out to me, doing the same, it felt like a synchronicity that I had to keep in momentum. It became more of a selfless ritual.
There is nothing more rewarding to me than helping others, in any way. It's more than music to me.
What gigs have you performed at that you find have ultimately helped you connect with your fan base on a deeper level? In saying that what do you love most about performing your music to a live crowd and how do you feel listeners react to your music?
The first time we performed out of state was in Arizona. The people out there are so chill and humble. It was all love that night. A real cool cat approached me and told me how my music inspired him to be a better person among other things. I almost shed a thug tear haha. That meant the world to me.
We shared so many laughs that night and now he is a real close friend. Shouts to Jamar for everything and the hospitality.
If I play an all original set that night, the best thing about it is seeing and hearing how people resonate with it. Also, playing like a 90s joint or some James Brown and seeing everyone dance and have a good time, I love that.
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You released a track called Baby Steps through Paxico Records, though it’s only a minute and a half it somewhat takes the listeners on a journey through time dabbling in so many genres, basically it’s beautiful! How did Paxico Records get a hold of you and what was it like putting this track together?
Thank you. The homie Chris hit me up through Instagram and complimented me on one of my drawings. I was honored he was feeling my beats too. We eventually started chatting about doing a release and that Baby Steps joint was a track off Love Spells that dropped around Christmas 2013.
I just chopped it and tried to keep the arrangement simple and similar to the original. It was one of the last joints I made while I was working on the project.
Last time we shared words you mentioned enhale as being your favourite track that you’ve put together. A few years have passed since then and I was wondering, is enhale still your go-to or do you have a new favourite track that you’ve put together?
I think I have a different favorite haha. That itsu track off of Conversations.
I made it during the beginning stages of using the SP. I love that sample, and it was crazy because I found it online from like a radio station from the 80s that used to play funk and rare grooves.
What is your favourite part about experimenting within music and how do you feel your music has grown since we last linked up?
I feel like it's grown a lot. Just the way I approach it now, and how it sounds. I've definitely started experimenting more within my work. Also with other genres.
My favourite part about it is discovering a new technique that you didn't know before or making something out of the ordinary actually sound decent.
Messing with other genres almost made me feel like I started over again. It's refreshing to feel that hunger when you first start making music.
Staying on the topic of genre experimentation, you've been working on some new material as of lately. Stuff I was privileged to hear, you're dabbling with house music too. Can’t wait for you to release these tracks as I feel they will without a doubt take their listeners on a soul-soothing journey. In a way that I feel your new projects somewhat show an alter to your usual approach, much love. Can you share what inspired you to put your new tracks together and what message are you trying to humbly portray through your newer releases?
I just always had an idea of making something more uptempo. I originally wanted to make juke, but I had no idea how to make it. I started messing with house drums and added loops to it and it didn't sound too bad.
The other beats I shared with you are from a new project which will be a continuation of a past project. It's still in the works. I'm trying to go back to that sound I started with, in just a more evolved manner.
Have to mention your tracks “greeninblue” (that piano is so damn healing) also have to pop in your track “floating”. Those vocals literally have one upon a cloud in awe, intertwined in that subtle sax, I'm definitely refreshed with each play, much love! 
Both tracks are actually available for download via your ep good juju that was released in September. 
What inspired good juju as a whole and what was it like putting the tracks together for this deeply beautiful release? Also, what’s the reason for the name “good juju”?
When I was working on stuff at that time, it was a bit after I started sampling some newer music, like after the 2010s, and I eventually made a few songs that sounded kind of cohesive. I struggled with coming up with a title for the longest time and that delayed the release haha.
Then I remembered a time when I was in the hospital, another patients and I were on a smoke break. Someone did something that was off in etiquette, and the dude said, "Nah, that's bad juju. Do it this way for good juju."
After he said that I always liked the phrase and what it encompassed. I felt like saying it, portrayed it nicely, and I wanted the project to reflect good karma, fortune, and luck.
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good juju - released September 1, 2016  
Over the years what have you learned most about collaborating with other like-minded artists? With more years of experience behind you, what do you feel you enjoy most about the process as of now?
I have learned that collaborating is not for everyone haha. I'm honestly not consistent with collabs, but when it works out it's amazing. I love how each person's flavour is in the collab, and if you flow together it ends up sounding like the best version of each artist. Sometimes, you get surprised like, "Damn, I wouldn't have thought of that." And you always learn new methods from one another.
Any gigs or new release coming up that we should keep an eye out for?
A record with the Virginia rapper DooF will be coming out on vinyl. The gawd KVMI and I will be dropping a collab tape in the near future. Also, that solo project I mentioned earlier will be coming out this year.
Be sure to cop the Fuzzoscope Earwax Shelf Life Compilation that recently came out. Available in digital, cassette, and vinyl: https://fuzzoscope.bandcamp.com/
The next event I will be playing will be a Rabbit Hole Show on June 24th with artists Cecil Purihin, Illathnmst, Linafornia, and Samiyam at the Bunkhouse Saloon, Downtown Las Vegas. You don't wanna miss this!!
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Musical Inspirations?
My all-time favorite producer is KanKick. His album "Acid Massive Musical" inspired me to make beats.
Everyone from Oxnard, Madlib, Oh No, etc. Everyone in Green Llama, Dibia$e, selfish., Van45, Fluent, etc. Luke Vibert, Boards of Canada, Inland Knights. Kool G Rap, Black Moon, Cru. There's so many.
Newer producers like Ohbliv, Mndsgn, Devonwho, and LowKey that's also in Green Llama. This kid is the truth!! So young, and such a beast.
Everyone at Paxico and Dirty Tapes, I really love what they're doing. My local homies, Bhonstro, Oneonthebeat, Lwkylky, Mayneframe, Jeb, Supreme-O, Mute, PhillyZane, Monro, somanyfeels, david.cuf, shouts to the family.
Thelonious Monk is my favorite pianist because his style was so unorthodox. I can go on, I'll stop now aha.
Music Recommendations?
If you haven't heard of him, check out Roddy Rod. He's crazy on the chops.
Benny B. Blonco! His kicks shifted my lungs.
Van45, he's super slept on. He used to go by Varan back in the Myspace days, he was one of my favorite producers when I started.
Shouts to the homie lastnamedavid, he put me on to Steve Lacy who is the guitarist for The Internet. He recently came out with a project called Steve Lacy's Demo It won't disappoint.
Any Last words?
Thank you again for having me. Shouts to beatsfortheill and much love to you Sophie. I appreciate the opportunity.
Thank you to all my listeners and supporters, you keep me going. I love all of you.
Shouts to the music homies online, hope to meet you all one day. You know who you are.
Love to my family and friends out here in Vegas. Always got my back no matter what.
Special shoutout to the wifey Shana. She hasn't left me yet hahaha just playing. You're all the support I need, thank you for supporting me with everything and helping me be a better person. I love you.
Shouts to you for reading this, I enjoyed this time.
Hope you have a great day.
Much love and many blessings! Peace!
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