#//i envision them as being sort of long lost siblings or cousins

[doomxdriven]

i could go into a deep, well articulated meta/headcanon about why the bount share a german motif with the quincy but instead lets do a off the cuff kind of meta/headcanon bc im tired rn and work is killing m e.

right so

the real reason: the filler anime team was fucking lazy

my headcanoned and therefore 'canon' reason: its twofold, firstly bount are infused with the remnants of mod souls that were made to partly resemble quincy, and secondly + more importantly, bount souls are all infused with power from fragments of the soul king (bount aren't inherently born with fragments ofc but soul king fragments are the core of the jokaisho and their energy was responsible for birthing the original bount), power that was more from the soul king's ''quincy'' aspects. ergo, bount abilities, their forms of spell-casting, the chants they use to summon their dolls, and many of their tribe's other terms etc etc, all have that heavy german motif because they are in a sense, in spite of the similarities they might also share with shinigami or fullbringers, ultimately cut from the same cloth that quincy are, only someone really fucked up when they were doing that cutting.

[gumbootillustrations]

day 18 - headcanon

i had too many so no drawing today. instead, i offer a list.

bogan laurance. or, more specifically, bogan meteli. like cmonnn u Cannot tell me that meteli (esp old meteli) is just a standin for small-town new zealand/australia. anyway, they all have aussie/nz accents. laurs is the most obvious bc i think its funny. @shadowqnights @abxolotl this one goes out for you guys <3

on that note, ru'aun's environment is basically new zealand's. especially the sacred forest - it has major nz bush vibes. like.

cmon u Cannot tell me that these were taken in the sacred forest of ru'aun.

anyway. travis gets kept up at night by kiwi screaming at each other (seriously. take a listen.)

also, tu'la is inspired by the roman empire. ill probs elaborate on this in the future.

necromancer cadenza! i've spoken abt this before here if u want to see a bit more :3

irene's cathedral/dimension/whatever is less cathedral and more eldritch labyrinth. specifically, i envision it to be a lot like the theatre of domination from honkai impact 3rd.

garroth gardens in his free time! it's how he grows all the flowers for his flower crowns.

meif'wa are werecats; they can 'tuck in' their ears and tails like werewolves can (but it's generally super uncomfortable, no matter the species), and have a sort of hybrid cat-human form that they can also shift into.

melissa is the first ultima - i sort of got into it in this post, but essentially after mel comes back to find falconclaw destroyed and her siblings, aaron and lilly, dead (to the best of her knowledge - aaron is still alive, however), she strikes a deal with a goat-eyed being to bring them back, but because the fine print was specifically worded to fuck her over, her soul ends up getting fused with the wolf that she sacrifices for the ritual and she gets ultima'd.

also, lilly is now aaron and mel's younger sister. she's a ghost.

juror relics! i hate hate Hate how the jurors never get fleshed out in canon, so i gave them a bit more backstory in ashes, ashes. their powers originally came from smaller, less powerful relics that xavier carved off of his own, but after they get lost, they become figureheads for a long time until about 20-25 years prior to the start of ashes, ashes. there's a bit more on this in my day 20 post, pinky promise.

the generals of the shadow lord's army are called "death knells", and although they lead their own units/squadrons/whatever, their primary purpose is to oppose the divine warriors; including the shadow lord (who opposes irene), there are only ever seven death knells at one time. an example of a death knell is gene, who is intended to oppose kul'zak.

zianna is a witch, although, for most of her life, her abilities were passed off as her having prophetic magicks; these 'magicks' are why she was married off to garte, as the ro'meave line wanted to introduce these magicks into the family. unfortunately, the heir, garroth, didn't inherit his mother's abilities, but her two other children, zane/zuwellyn and vylad, did.

nicole is a half elf from her mum's side; her mum is matilda's sister, making her and levin first cousins. this is based on matilda lowkey looking really similar to nicole. idk i just think its fun.

garte sells out o'khasis to tu'la for more power during s2, thus transferring the jury of nine into the control of the king. it's a whole mess, and in the process, he essentially scapegoats zianna by faking his death.

however, this does make zianna lord of o'khasis. we love a girlboss.

the relics have different effects on their wielders; for example, esmund's relic makes its wielders a lot more physically dense, meaning that they'll sink into softer surfaces like sand and mud. xavier's relic turns its wielders hair red.

consequently, zane has red roots. he dyes his hair black (its natural colour) to hide them.

katelyn has the moniker of "the dragon of o'khasis". the phoenix drop gang mostly assumes that it's because she's ruthless on the battlefield... until she decides that the best course of action is to breathe fire at an opponent uncle iroh-style.

katelyn is also Stupidly superstitious. like. she fully believes in the sweater curse and will Refuse to walk under a ladder even if theres no other available path.

mys!nicole gets forever potioned. this has Consequences for the home gang during the events of s5-s6.

speaking of mys!nicole, her and dante are queerplatonic coparents to dmitri. they had him when they were in uni after a brief fling. he's the street's baby.

anyway i think thats abt it. lmk if u have any questions :3

(ps two days until day 20)

[somegirlsnerdywords2]

Anime i’ve Watched

That begin with a A!

Yep this is how i’m going to bring over all the anime and manga i’ve watched and posted about on the old blog. It’s not so detailed but it will have to do. Anything new I watch or read from this point on will have their own posts.

Acchi Kocchi (TV) (Place to Place):

Genres: slice of life, comedy, romance, school

Synopsis: Feelings may come and go, but true love always remains in the heart. Tsumiki Miniwa is in love with her best friend, Io Otonashi. For her, confessing is nearly impossible; but to her friends, they seem to be the perfect match. Cute and petite, Tsumiki comes off more as a friend, and Io's attitude toward her is friendlier than toward others. Despite the constant teasing and obvious hints that his friends have been dropping, Io always seems to miss the signs. Throughout her everyday school life, Tsumiki spends time with her friends and Io. Will she finally muster enough courage to confess her true feelings? [Written by MAL Rewrite]

My Rating: 8/10

Finished airing in 2012 with a total of 12 Episodes.

My Thoughts: It’s been ages since watching this one so I can’t say I remember it well but the rating tells me it was at least partway decent and I imagine I thought the animation/ character design was rather cute (though not to my usual tastes). A feel good sort of anime with cutesy romance? If any of you guys have watched this anime and have anything to share feel free to send it my way so people can make an informed decision before viewing if they so wish! 

Akatsuki no Yona (Yona of the Dawn):

Genres: action, adventure, comedy, fantasy, romance, shoujo

Synopsis:  Princess Yona lives a life of luxury and ease, completely sheltered from the problems of the seemingly peaceful Kingdom of Kouka; however, the sudden murder of the king and betrayal of her beloved cousin Su-won places Yona's life in mortal peril. Forced to escape only with Son Hak, who is both her childhood friend and bodyguard, the naïve princess soon discovers that Kouka is not the idyllic place she envisioned it to be. Poverty, strife, and corruption run rampant, making reclaiming the throne nothing more than a wishful fantasy given the kingdom's current state. Based on the popular manga of the same name by Mizuho Kusanagi, Akatsuki no Yona follows Princess Yona on a coming-of-age adventure as she faces the harsh realities of her kingdom. With only a mysterious legend to guide her, Yona must discover a way to restore Kouka to its former glory while being pursued relentlessly by the forces of the new King of Kouka. [Written by MAL Rewrite]

My Rating: 7.5/10

Finished airing in 2015 with a total of 24 episodes. 

My Thoughts: I recall having an issue with the pacing in the beginning but an overwhelming love for the sheltered to fierce main character and reverse harem vibes with all those pretty men. The artwork was nothing special most of the time, being rather muted and the themes were hit and miss but overall I recall this being a rather decent series. That being said, I was far more generous with my rating of the manga, which is still ongoing and a great series to read! 

Akiba's Trip The Animation

Genres: action, comedy, supernatural, ecchi

Synopsis:  Otaku siblings Tamotsu and Niwaka Denkigai are shopping in Akihabara when it is overrun by vampiric cosplaying monsters! These creatures, known as "Bugged Ones," can possess anyone they bite and soon they begin causing mayhem across the city. As Tamotsu finds himself at the mercy of one of these creatures, he is rescued by the mysterious baseball bat-wielding Matome Mayonaka. Together, they fight through several more encounters with the Bugged Ones, but before long, Tamotsu is fatally wounded protecting Matome. With no other choice, she revives him as a high level Bugged One—just like her! Tamotsu and Matome, along with excitable otaku cosplayer Arisa Ahokainen, make up the group "The Electric Mayonnaise" and they begin dispatching the Bugged Ones in the only way they know how: by ripping off their clothes and exposing them to sunlight! [Written by MAL Rewrite]

My Rating: 4/10

Finished airing in 2017 with a total of 13 episodes. 

My Thoughts: That’s a hard no from me. Would not suggest this one. I was drawn in by the art/ animation/ character design and just didn’t know when to quit. Not worth the time it takes to finish the 13 episodes in my personal opinion. 

Amaama to Inazuma (Sweetness & Lightning): 

Genres: comedy, slice of life, seinen

Synopsis:  Since the death of his wife, Kouhei Inuzuka has been caring for his young daughter Tsumugi to the best of his abilities. However, with his lack of culinary knowledge and his busy job as a teacher, he is left relying on ready-made meals from convenience stores to feed the little girl. Frustrated at his own incapability to provide a fresh, nutritious meal for his daughter, Kouhei takes up an offer from his student, Kotori Iida, to come have dinner at her family's restaurant. But on their very first visit, the father and daughter discover that the restaurant is often closed due to Kotori's mother being away for work and that Kotori often eats alone. After much pleading from his pupil, Kouhei decides to continue to go to the restaurant with Tsumugi to cook and share delicious homemade food with Kotori. Amaama to Inazuma follows the heartwarming story of a caring father trying his hardest to make his adorable little daughter happy, while exploring the meanings and values behind cooking, family, and the warm meals at home that are often taken for granted. [Written by MAL Rewrite]

My Rating: 9/10

Finished airing in 2016 with a total of 12 episodes. 

My Thoughts: Heartwarming and painfully sweet. A story about family with a culinary twist. Lovely artwork/ animation/ character design which perfectly compliments the characters and story. A great one to watch if you’re looking for something light but capable of tugging at your heartstrings a bit. 

Amagi Brilliant Park:

Genres: comedy, drama, fantasy, magic

Synopsis:  Seiya Kanie, a smart and extremely narcissistic high school student, believes that the beautiful but reserved Isuzu Sento has invited him on a date at an amusement park called Amagi Brilliant Park. Much to his chagrin, not only is the location a run-down facility, the supposed date is merely a recruitment tour where Sento and Princess Latifa Fleuranza, the owner of the theme park, ask him to become the park's new manager. Their cause for desperation? As stipulated in a land-use contract, Amagi has less than three months to meet a quota of 500,000 guests, or the park will be closed for good and the land redeveloped by a greedy real-estate company. Seiya is won over by the revelation that Amagi is no ordinary amusement park; many of its employees are Maple Landers—mysterious magical beings who live in the human world and are nourished by the energy created by people having fun. Entrusted with the hopes and dreams of this far-off enchanted land, Seiya must now use his many skills to bring Amagi back on its feet, or watch it crumble before his eyes. [Written by MAL Rewrite]

My Rating: 7.5/10

Finished airing in 2014 with a total of 13 episodes. (Also has two OVA’s/specials)

My Thoughts: An interesting setting and a cute male lead made even better thanks to the excellent art and character design. A decent comedy with art/ animation/ character design that was right up my alley. 

Amnesia:

Genres: reverse harem, mystery, romance, fantasy, josei

Synopsis: After fainting at work, a young lady awakens in the back room of the café she works at with no memory of her life or those around her. Two of her friends, whom she soon learns are named Shin and Toma, are called to help her get home safely. Once she is alone, she meets a spectral boy named Orion that only she can see and hear. He explains that she lost her memories because of his chance visit to her world, so he vows to help her remember who she is.

However, regaining her departed memories without worrying those around her may be more difficult than she realizes. In addition to the gloomy Shin and the protective Toma, she must be wary of arousing the suspicions of the captivating Ikki, the quick-witted Kent, and a mysterious man who lurks in the distance. As her amnesia entangles her in the lives of each of these men, her fragmented memories return piece by piece, and the mysteries of her circumstances slowly come to light.

[Written by MAL Rewrite]

My Rating: 3/10

Finished airing in 2013 with a total of 12 episodes.

My Thoughts: A blank piece of paper for a female lead and cast of potential suitors that range from kind of crappy to the creepiest of creeps. What isn’t there to love? I vaguely recall my reverse harem kick where I consumed each and every reverse Harem I could get my hands on, hoping that at least one of them would be properly satisfying... They never were. Don’t even bother watching this one. You know unless what I described above is your sort of thing.

[bethsteury]

“So, when are you going back?”

I lost count of how many people asked when we planned a return visit to Maine, where our immediate family had marveled in the beauty of an east coast autumn while spending time with the paternal side of my biological family in October of 2018. I found it intriguing that folks didn’t ask if we planned to visit again, but rather when we’d venture that direction again. Could be the phrases that populated our accounts of the vacation—gorgeous views, awesome adventures, a great time with the “new” family—may have encouraged the “when” assumption.

Since my husband and I had taken all of five seconds to sign-on for the big gathering of Grammy Brown’s branch of the family tree planned for July of 2019, the answer was a quick, easy, “Next July for an extended family reunion.”

I loved that a plan for a “next time” had been set in motion. And the potential to meet many more paternal relatives excited me. Another opportunity to explore Maine, to see the beautiful landscape in its summer colors coupled with more “first family” time and connections. July couldn’t arrive soon enough.

Our “Maine in October” adventure had left me immersed in yet another phase of processing. Honestly, it feels like I’ve spent the better part of the last three years in a state of wading through stuff. From the doorstep secret revealed and continuing through every new discovery, each in-person connection, the incredible trips to significant locales, my mind has remained in a near-constant state of sorting through a myriad of mental questions, see-sawing emotions, and potential future scenarios. Factor in the loss of both of my parents in the middle of all these breakthroughs and connections, and it’s a wonder my brain hasn’t turned into a puddle of mush.

With most of my faculties intact, the planning for Maine Adventure #2 commenced. I envisioned the lot of us together—bio dad, Aunt Donna, cousin Honey, brother Alan, and possibly, hopefully two other half-brothers we’d yet to meet. Not to mention the boat load of cousins attending the big family gathering. I was positively giddy.

But my excitement took a hit with the news that Aunt Donna and Honey would be unable to attend. I admit to a fair amount of what I’m sure bordered on badgering, but it was not to be. And then, bio dad confirmed he would not be able to attend either. The realization of how much I’d been looking forward to another in-person encounter with him explained the huge wave of disappointment that surged through me. The youngest of my biological brothers hailing from California admitted his participation would be a last-minute decision, one that looked less likely every day. Sigh . . . But the oldest of my birth father’s children confirmed he and his wife would make the cross-country trek from Washington state. Yes . . . I allowed myself a bit of time to pout and stew and fret. Then I tucked away most of my disappointment and moved on with the arrangements for adventures in Maine round two.

Maine Adventure #2

A super early July 19th flight dropped us in Portland by noon. We skipped from the airport in full vacation sightseeing mode, to take in the sights at Two Lights State Park. Drinking in ocean views never, ever gets old. Especially if you’ve lived your entire life in Indiana.

  We sped north to the now sort-of-familiar Augusta and Waterville area for a nap, hoping to banish the sleepiness leftover from a very short night, and to prepare for an important family dinner.

While older brother Gerald knew the story of how I’d come to be his new little sis, we’d not yet connected in person, by phone or email. I’d already experienced the gamut of newly-discovered sibling responses, resulting in a variety of relationship statuses. From welcome to the family/let’s get to know each other to cordial but with little interest in connecting to an initial welcome that soon disintegrated into distant silence. I loved the close-and-growing-relationships. I understood the little interest one. I mourned the no-longer-a-connection-at-all relationship. I knew what I wanted from this newest sibling introduction. I also knew that I didn’t have the deciding vote.

A dinner date that first night gave us a chance to meet before the next day thrust us into the crowd of reunion attendees. Lots of conversation of the surface level and deeper variety flowed freely over a delicious meal in a cozy, back booth. We swapped stories about our individual families, a total of four sons, three daughters, and five grandchildren between the three half-siblings seated around the table. I sensed a cautious approach from this new older brother—one that I totally understood. He and his wife Furong didn’t know us from the man on the moon despite our shared DNA. But when we parted company, I inwardly declared the evening a success and set my sights on tomorrow’s main event, the Tobey Family Reunion that bio dad’s first cousins had been planning for nine months.

The Tobey Family Reunion

The next day we traversed roads not completely unknown to us to the rural area where Grammy Brown’s family had lived for decades. A long winding lane led us to a stone-quarry-turned-beautiful-pond property. The property owner/event co-organizer who knew immediately who we were��the new relatives from Indiana—shuttled us from the parking area to the circus-sized white tent shading folks from the blistering 91-degree heat. We donned name tags and set about meeting and greeting our kin.

Thelma Tobey Brown

The next four hours were a whirlwind of conversations, of hearing how much I looked like looked like my Grammy Brown, of being greeted by folks who’d heard my story and were thrilled to welcome us to the family. I leafed through photo albums where I spied pics of my birth father as a teenager. I tracked down Jill, the cousin whose amount of shared DNA nearly ruined the “poster family” status I’d been touting to demonstrate the accuracy of Ancestry’s testing process. Jill’s dad and my Grammy Brown were siblings, making Jill my bio dad’s first cousin and my first cousin once removed (1c1r). But our shared DNA comes in at the very highest level for 1c1r, so high that we could have been first cousins. Of course, I insisted on a picture and Jill graciously agreed. I met other DNA matches–Priscilla and Margaret–chatted with the reunion organizers–Robin and Noreen–swapped tips and techniques with fellow genetic genealogy enthusiasts, all the while scoping out the crowd for family resemblances and scanning name tags for folks from the family tree.

At one point, my head whipped around for a second look at a tall gentleman who looked remarkably like my birth father. Had he popped in at the last minute? Like we’d contemplated might happen? Nope. Just his first cousin who bore a striking resemblance to him. And threaded throughout the afternoon, another round of just-introduced siblings engaging in the odd combination of catching up and getting to know one another all at the same time.

Throughout the afternoon I murmured time and again, “These people really know how to do events . . . ”  My brain had kicked into event-organizing mode the moment we arrived, calculating the time and effort that had obviously been invested in today’s festivities. When the first signs of tear down and clean-up began, I felt prodded to hop up and help. But instead I continued to mingle and visit, pushing aside the guilt for not pitching in. The afternoon came to an end before I got a chance to meet everyone. But I’m counting on a next time.

More sibling time . . .

Sunday found us sharing another sibling/spouses meal with lunch at a favorite local seafood joint. Recollections and stories flowed between Alan and Gerald, prompted by the same box of photos we’d pored over last October. And I again imagined myself as part of their lives as well as them alongside me in my growing up years. Furong had forever captured a moment when, side by side at the reunion, Gerald and I had not only shared the very same expression, but also displayed a remarkable resemblance. I promptly texted the picture to my son and daughter back in Indiana who marveled at the similarity.

We gathered one last time for dinner, a boisterous bunch including Alan’s immediate family, all folks we’d met last October. The family vibe around the long table intensified my extreme dislike for the 1022 miles between us and the Maine bunch and the 1989 miles between our Hoosier home and Spokane, Washington, where Gerald and Furong lived. But we’d made a genuine connection with them leaving no doubt the promised “let’s stay in touch” sentiments would indeed come to fruition. Hugs all around times two left me sad that our time together had come to an end.

More scenic views

While they headed north to take in more of Maine’s beauty, we plotted our three remaining days. Alan joined us on Monday for a full day of Camden State Park and wild blueberries, lighthouses and ocean views, and of course, more seafood.

    On Tuesday we launched from Boothbay Harbor for a four-and-a-half-hour whale and puffin watching excursion. Miles and miles of ocean and blue skies, and yes, we saw a whale. But the highlight of the trip was the stop at Eastern Egg Rock, a seven-acre island located six miles from New Harbor, the world’s first re-established seabird colony, managed by The Puffin Project.

On Wednesday we enjoyed lunch with some relatives on Grampy Brown’s side of the family. Some DNA detective work on Aunt Donna’s part had solved a long-time mystery that led to us lunching with our first cousin twice removed (1c2r)—a first cousin to our Grampy Brown—and her daughter our second cousin once removed (2c1r)—a second cousin to our bio dad. Is that cool or what? Too, too fun. We’d hoped to meet up with a couple of other DNA-matched-cousins from Massachusetts and Georgia but arrangements did not fall into place. “Another time . . . ” we all promised. “Another time.”

A quick stop in Belfast left us once again in awe of the beauty Mainers enjoy all year round. Literally at the water’s edge, we spotted a three-sided structure that housed of all things, a library. I immediately envisioned myself enjoying a good read under sun drenched blue skies surrounded by the ocean.

The day ended with a farewell seafood feast at Alan’s. When we couldn’t eat another bite, we leaned back to give our stuffed stomachs a bit more room. Conversation lulled for a moment before Alan’s tone turned serious with a pointed question. “When are you coming back?”

I reminded him we had journeyed to Maine twice since his visit to Indiana. He reminded us we’d barely scratched the surface of all that Maine had to offer–a fact we knew well. “We’ll come back someday, I’m sure . . . ”

“But probably not next year.”

“No, probably not.”

With no specific plans in place for a “next time,” this last-in-a-series of goodbyes was tough. But we would be back. We will visit again.

And the processing continues. I’m beginning to realize it will probably never end. This week marks the 3rd anniversary of Aunt Donna popping up on our DNA results. Within hours, the mystery was solved, opening the door to so many people and experiences and relationships that, now,  I honestly can’t imagine not being part of our lives. I’m so looking forward to what year four has in store.

If this is your first introduction to my story, check out the beginning here.

      Meeting the Bio Family: Chapter 10 – Another Big Bro and Cousins Galore “So, when are you going back?” I lost count of how many people asked when we planned a return visit to Maine, where our immediate family had marveled in the beauty of an east coast autumn while spending time with the paternal side of my biological family in October of 2018.

[annabelaplit]

Young Briony

February vacation is over and I’m back. Today I am going to explore the character of Briony in Part #1 of Atonement. It seemed today in class like the vast majority of people seemed to really dislike her. But when I read the novel I didn’t hate her at all, in fact I think I actively sympathized with her for a lot of it. This is probably I feel like I was a whole lot like Briony when I was 13 and it was easy for me to see why she might have acted the way she did. So in this blog post I am going to explore some key passages relating to Briony and see what they tell me. 

“But hidden drawers, lockable diaries and cryptographic systems could not conceal from Briony the simple truth:she had no secrets. Her wish for a harmonious, organized world denied her the reckless possibilities of wrongdoing. Mayhem and destruction were too chaotic for her tastes, and she did not have it in her to be cruel. Her effective status as an only child, as well as the relative isolation of the Tallis house, kept her, at least during the long summer holidays, from girlish intrigues with friends. Nothing in her life was sufficiently interesting or shameful to merit hiding; no one knew about the squirrel’s skull beneath her bed, but no one wanted to know. None of this was particularly an affliction; or rather, it appeared so only in retrospect, once a solution had been found. 

At the age of eleven she wrote her first story—a foolish affair, imitative of half a dozen folktales and lacking, she realized later, that vital knowingness about the ways of the world which compels a reader’s respect. But this first clumsy attempt showed her that the imagination itself was a source of secrets: once she had begun a story, no one could be told. Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know. Even writing out the she saids, the and thens, made her wince, and she felt foolish, appearing to know about the emotions of an imaginary being. Self-exposure was inevitable the moment she described a character’s weakness; the reader was bound to speculate that she was describing herself. What other authority could she have? Only when a story was finished, all fates resolved and the whole matter sealed off at both ends so it resembled, at least in this one respect, every other finished story in the world, could she feel immune”(7).

I think this passage is the first place where we get a sense of who Briony is. She is a relatively privileged thirteen year old girl, yet she kind of longs for something more in her life. She is fascinated by the mysterious and unknown but she has the distinct impression that no one cares about what she has to hide. The way she finds excitement in life and is able to garner attention from others is through writing. Writing allows her to shape her own mysteries, and to turn her perceptions and values into cohesive narratives. She also sees writing as an intensely personal act, a reflection of self-hood. To write is a story is in some way to put a part of yourself on the page. Briony is unwilling to share this type of vulnerability with others, at least until the piece becomes finished and seemingly disassociates itself from the author. 

“Briony stared at her, unable to keep the horror from her expression, and unable to speak. It was slipping away from her, she knew, but there was nothing that she could think of to say that would bring it back....How could she tell them that Arabella was not a freckled person? Her skin was pale and her hair was black and her thoughts were Briony’s thoughts... She wanted to leave, she wanted to lie alone, facedown on her bed and savor the vile piquancy of the moment, and go back down the lines of branching consequences to the point before the destruction began. She needed to contemplate with eyes closed the fullrichness of what she had lost, what she had given away, and to anticipate the new regime. Not only Leon to consider, but what of the antique peach and cream satin dress that her mother was looking out for her, for Arabella’s wedding? That would now be given to Lola. How could her mother reject the daughter who had loved her all these years? As she saw the dress make its perfect, clinging fit around her cousin and witnessed her mother’s heartless smile, Briony knew her only reasonable choice then would be to run away, to live under hedges, eat berries and speak to no one, and be found by a bearded woodsman one winter’s dawn, curled up at the base of a giant oak, beautiful and dead, and barefoot, or perhaps wearing the ballet pumps with the pink ribbon straps ...” (18)

In this passage Briony seems to have the first major upset of her young life. She has envisioned a starring role for herself in the play she has written and her cooler older cousin has just managed to manipulate it out of her. Now this in the scope everything that happens in the novel and life in general this inconvenience is really quite minor. Yet it seems to deeply affect Briony. She is watching her perfectly ordered plans fall to pieces. Arabella a character in which she has implanted personal vulnerability is being given a different form. Briony is watching her art (and her chances for adoration) slip out of her control and her immediate desire is to go escape the world. She wants to hide somewhere far away and then die to show everyone just how beautiful and perfect she is and how much she should have been valued. This is clearly a tremendous overreaction and very much dramatized. Yet the reaction is quite realistic, something I know from personal experience. I am guilty of writing more than a few sibling-centered plays and then having the fall through due to lack of interest. And often my thoughts didn’t stray far from Briony’s, “This is a disaster! I need to go hide in the woods! Everybody should love me more than this!” I don’t think readers are supposed to feel any sort of positive emotion for Briony in this moment, but I feel as if I can understand her emotions and actually empathize a bit. 

“These thoughts were as familiar to her, and as comforting, as the precise configuration of her knees, their matching but competing, symmetrical and reversible, look. A second thought always followed the first, one mystery bred another: Was everyone else really as alive as she was? For example, did her sister really matter to herself, was she as valuable to herself as Briony was? Was being Cecilia just as vivid an affair as being Briony? Did her sister also have a real self concealed behind a breaking wave, and did she spend time thinking about it, with a finger held up to her face? Did everybody, including her father, Betty, Hardman? If the answer was yes, then the world, the social world, was unbearably complicated, with two billion voices, and everyone’s thoughts striving in equal importance and everyone’s claim on life as intense, and everyone thinking they were unique, when no one was. One could drown in irrelevance. But if the answer was no, then Briony was surrounded by machines, intelligent and pleasant enough on the outside, but lacking the bright and private inside feeling she had. This was sinister and lonely, as well as unlikely. For, though it offended her sense of order, she knew it was overwhelmingly probable that everyone else had thoughts like hers. She knew this, but only in a rather arid way; she didn’t really feel it” (44).

This passage reveals Briony’s thoughts and another sort of layer to her character. These are pretty complex and philosophical thoughts for a thirteen year old to have, and they show how deeply Briony thinks about the world. She is striving to understand herself and wonders if there are others as complex as she is. Both options are upsetting to her. If everybody has similar thoughts, have such a deep inner personality, then she lacks the uniqueness and the sense of being a cut above the rest that she craves. But if she is the only one like this than she is alone and fundamentally different than those around her. Ultimately she accepts that everybody is just as complex as she is, but only on a surface level, for she likes this idea of being special. Thoughts like this certainly have invaded my mind, and they were a definite fixture when I was Briony’s age. I have always felt a bit different than everyone else and wondered if the way they see the world mirrors mine. If their private thoughts skim the same surface matter. It’s an interesting parallel. 

“None of these three was bad, nor were they particularly good. She need not judge. There did not have to be a moral. She need only show separate minds, as alive as her own, struggling with the idea that other minds were equally alive. It wasn’t only wickedness and scheming that made people unhappy, it was confusion and misunderstanding; above all, it was the failure to grasp the simple truth that other people are as real as you. And only in a story could you enter these different minds and show how they had an equal value. That was the only moral a story need have” (51).

Here is where Briony discovers the answers to her questions in the previous passage. Watching Cecilia and Robbie engage in an interaction that her mind cannot parse she is forced to recognize the complex realities of others. She becomes fascinated by this idea of complicated understandings and they become the new focus in her writing. Stories seem to her a chance to reveal the secrets of others, to explores the blended patches of what cannot be known. 

“The cost of oblivious daydreaming was always this moment of return, the realignment with what had been before and now seemed a little worse. Her reverie, once rich in plausible details, had become a passing silliness before the hard mass of the actual. It was difficult to come back. Come back, her sister used to whisper when she woke her from a bad dream. Briony had lost her godly power of creation, but it was only at this moment of return that the loss became evident; part of a daydream’s enticement was the illusion that she was helpless before its logic:forced by international rivalry to compete at the highest level among the world’s finest and to accept the challenges that came with preeminence in her field—her field of nettle slashing—driven to push beyond her limits to assuage the roaring crowd, and to be the best, and, most importantly, unique. But of course, it had all been her—by her and about her—and now she was back in the world, not one she could make, but the one that had made her, and she felt herself shrinking under the early evening sky” (98).

This passage continues to underscore Briony’s desire to be seen as praiseworthy and unique and the role that her imagination plays in this yearning. Reeling from the disaster of her play she recedes into her own fantasies, a place where she has an integral role in important events, where she is a figure known and renowned to others. But as this daydream fades, Briony is forced to recognize the reality that her presence does not confer this much status in the real world. She is a tangential figure, someone who has not yet received a starring role in life. This desire of Briony’s, to be special and important outside the confines of her imagination, explains in part her stubborn desire to incriminate Robbie later in the novel. This might also be where I relate to Briony most. I have always used my imagination to recast myself in different roles, created scenarios where I was a figure of heightened importance. Imagination is a tool to escape the confines of reality, but it looks like Briony is searching for more than an escape.

“They were safe, Cecilia was with Leon, and she, Briony, was free to wander in the dark and contemplate her extraordinary day. Her childhood had ended, she decided now as she came away from the swimming pool, the moment she tore down her poster. The fairy stories were behind her, and in the space of a few hours she had witnessed mysteries, seen an unspeakable word, interrupted brutal behavior, and by incurring the hatred of an adult whom everyone had trusted, she had become a participant in the drama of life beyond the nursery. All she had to do now was discover the stories, not just the subjects, but a way of unfolding them, that would do justice to her new knowledge. Or did she mean, her wiser grasp of her own ignorance?”(204).

Here Briony is reveling in becoming an active participant in the drama of life. She no longer has to hide behind fantasies or live life completely in her books. Real things have now happened to her and she can now work on fitting them into her framework of life, broadening her perspective of the ways of the world. She has decided to herself that today is the day she leaves the realm of childhood and starts working towards being an adult. One can see how the previous events rather than frightening or even confusing her have instead excited her, given her the role she craved innately, and almost made real life into one of her stories. 

“She would never be able to console herself that she was pressured or bullied. She never was. She trapped herself, she marched into the labyrinth of her own construction, and was too young, too awestruck, too keen to please, to insist on making her own way back. She was not endowed with, or old enough to possess, such independence of spirit. An imposing congregation had massed itself around her first certainties, and now it was waiting and she could not disappoint it at the altar. Her doubts could be neutralized only by plunging in deeper. By clinging tightly to what she believed she knew, narrowing her thoughts, reiterating her testimony, she was able to keep from mind the damage she only dimly sensed she was doing. When the matter was closed, when the sentence was passed and the congregation dispersed, a ruthless youthful forgetting, a willful erasing, protected her well into her teens” (218)

Here we can see how all of Briony’s childhood innocence and her desire to feel special and important led to her accusing an innocent man of rape. She wasn’t forced or especially compelled to confess anything, but neither was she entirely free from outside pressure in what she said. Her initial accusation sprang from the fact it matched her cyclical view of events, a version where she took center stage. Later on when she might be compelled to alter evidence, the love, support, and expectations of those around her kept her from changing her story. She got to be the center of attention and she didn’t want to disappoint those she loved. Her fantasies of uniqueness and importance got to be a reality and altering chronologies would bring that crashing down, in fact it would incur actively negative consequences. This and the true consequences of what she was doing weren’t apparent, her youth shielded her from contextual details and her imagination painted a narrative that was easy to believe. True honesty after the initial recounting would have required a significant amount of courage, to defy both the prevailing expectations of those around her and the story she had created in her own mind. And it seems Briony was not capable of being that brave, preferring to envelop herself in a cocoon of denial and ignorance. Knowing all of this what Briony did can be understood far better. It was by no means “right” and she certainly bears a heavy load of responsibility. But the paths that lead to her action reveal motives far more complex than jealousy or confusion. For all her flaws I really don’t consider her a bad person, more of a complex human being, carried down a tide of events where her flaws manifested themselves in the worst possible way.