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justicefanged · 1 year ago

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"Hello dear, I just wanted to check on some of those who are staying behind. I know your brother went along with some of the others, but the both of you seem tense... Would you like to talk about it?"

Everything was a mess.

Books and papers were scattered on the floor, desks upturned and even some broken into several pieces. For such an open space, it now felt small and cramped. There was ink spilled somewhere on the floor, drying into the spaces in between the stones.

He really hadn't meant for it to happen. It was early. There were still students who hadn't left to help with the-- whatever the fuck was going on back home and elsewhere. He was a teacher. He'd been...getting ready for something. Something stupid. Written test or something. He didn't like them, hated it -- he had to sit still, and it was irritating and things got too quiet, and--

Linus let out a heated sigh, fingers messing through his hair with just a bit too much roughness.

Shouldn't get worked up again after...Shit, what a mess. He didn't even know what time it was. He could see light through the windows, and hear people moving around outside the classroom, but that didn't really tell him too much other than it was slightly later morning than when he'd first gotten in.

Maybe they'd heard the chaos and just decided it was better to skip that day.

He let his head fall back against the cool stone of the wall, exhaustion weighing him down in the most uncomfortable way. Always did after. If he wasn't in the middle of a fight for his life, the anger fizzled out and all he was left with was ash and burnt out bones. He'd slept for a full day once.

Didn't feel like sleeping now. Too much-- Too much going on in his head.

So when there was a soft but concise knock on the door, followed by the creaking sound of it opening and then closing again, Linus wasn't thrilled.

Brown eyes shifted up from the point on the floor they'd been burning a hole into for the better part of the morning, lingered on the approaching woman for a moment before finally being able to place her. Long lavender hair, misleading figure, soft eyes and firm hands.

She gave him juice after that big battle between the houses. Didn't think he knew her name. If he did, he was forgetting it in the moment.

Linus tried to level a glare at her encroaching on his disaster zone, but the fight was out of him now and it didn't have the intimidating effect he was hoping for.

Oh. Oh, so that's why she was here. Guess they had to send someone in, someone that was fool enough to try and calm him down or strong enough to beat him into submission. She didn't strike him as a fool, so she must be strong -- but then, why was she trying this tactic? Trying to talk to an agitated animal was how you ended up bit.

And he was about to spit something in that vein right back at her gentle words, tried to muster up all that fire and shrapnel inside him and throw it in her face.

"I know your brother went along--"

It rekindled some of that blaze, some of that rage -- but he was so. fucking. tired.

It wasn't supposed to happen.

Angry, exhausted tears are in his eyes now. Teeth bared and face screwed up into a snarl. But he's been sitting on the floor, the bulk of his body pressed in against a corner of the room. It's not a very threatening look.

"He fuckin--" Saints, his voice was shredded, guess he'd been yelling for a bit when he went ballistic in here. "He left. Again. To-- Told me I couldn't come with him, that I should fuckin' stay here. For what?!" Linus bit out, slamming a curled fist into the floor. "Last time we split up, he almost died! We don't split up! We. Never. Should. Split. Up! He always-- always fuckin' p-pulls this shit! Jus' 'cause he's older, he gets to tell me what to do! Fuck that! He was wrong then, what if he's wrong now?!"

My brother never makes mistakes.

Yeah, he'd thought that. Believed it fully, completely. Lloyd was smart, Lloyd was older, Lloyd never lost to him in a fight. He had all these plans, and all these things that Linus would never be able to keep all in his head to get them out of problems.

But Linus had also found his brother in the dirt, bloody and pale and hardly breathing. Had seen that thing standing over him, gold eyes glinting through the mists, and knew that if he didn't step in right then, his brother was going to die. Almost died anyways, just trying to get him to help.

He'd carried Lloyd on his back, became far too intimate with the unnatural cold that had seeped into him, like he was hauling a corpse around.

His brother made mistakes, and Linus knew that now.

And it scared him that it felt like that mistake was being repeated again.

"We're the brothers Reed. We don't split up..."

#[haha wow this got way longer than i meant]#[but thank you so much for sending camilla over!!]#[sorry queen you stepped on a landmine but he's just a sad puppy right now]#[you missed the natural disaster]

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amberskywrites · 4 years ago

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A Perfect Match

Requested by @tina0555! This was incredibly fun to do, and I hope you enjoy!

AO3 Link || Masterpost

Pairing: Abigail/Farmer (No gender specified for farmer)

Fandom / Genre: Stardew Valley / Fluff

Summary: You return your gaze to the hills flashing by, fiddling with your half of a soul charm idly as you let your mind wander. Things already looked much more peaceful here, and when you spotted a sign saying it was only half a mile to Stardew Valley, well, you couldn't help the excitement that started to bubble in your heart.

Who knows, maybe you'd find that other half here.

-------------------

You stare at the charm resting comfortably on your chest as the hours drag by. You weren't sure what you were getting yourself into, going to Stardew Valley, but you dearly hoped it'd be a much better experience than working at Joja. It had never occurred to you that Grandpa had a farm this far from the city- yoba, you never expected him to have a farm at all.

But you were glad that it was now yours. A remote place and a fresh start seemed to be something you desperately needed.

You return your gaze to the hills flashing by, fiddling with your half of a soul charm idly as you let your mind wander. Things already looked much more peaceful here, and when you spotted a sign saying it was only half a mile to Stardew Valley, well, you couldn't help the excitement that started to bubble in your heart.

Who knows, maybe you'd find that other half here.

Your first year in the valley was… an experience. Grandpa's farm had been closer to the mountains than you had been expecting, and you focused mostly on clearing the farm and growing crops. You had met everyone, got into some arguments with the local drunk because of his attitude, and hung around Linus or Willy in your off times when you were tired but it was still too early to sleep. You'd explore the mines on rainy days, and the further you went the more interesting things you found.

Abigail really liked the gems you would find. She was almost as excited as you when you had found a particularly sparkly amethyst! You saved it for her birthday, and she loved it. She was surprised you had even remembered her birthday.

You also got to know Marnie and Robin really well, constantly stopping by to buy a new farm building or supplies for a few of your new animals. Sam and Sebastian also became close friends, especially after you took interest in the band they were starting up.

Around winter, you didn't feel like much of an outsider anymore. Though you spent a lot of time in the mines during the frigid weather, you made sure on Fridays to stop by the Stardrop Saloon. After buying Sam a pizza and handing Sebastian another frozen tear you found, you'd give Abigail quartz, which she'd eat despite you telling her it wasn't good for her.

She'd laugh at your concern as you settle on the small couch beside her, watching the boys play pool and Sam once again having his butt kicked by Sebastian. Abigail talked mostly, complained about all the work she had to do over the weekend. But also some of her plans to go hang out in the forest near Marnie's.

Winter was also the season that you remembered your soul charm, often hidden under your shirt. You had been quite busy, and the only reminder you had a soulmate at all was whenever Alex made a comment about not knowing if he wanted to meet his, or Marnie mentioning how disappointing it was that Lewis wasn't hers despite them feeling like soulmates. Marnie only really talked about soulmates when she was really, really drunk though.

Jodi had her soulmate, a soldier named Kent. You were told he should be coming home soon… you couldn't wait to meet him, after hearing Vincent sounding so excited whenever his father was brought up. And… Jodi and Caroline seemed to be the only two with their soulmates, though Caroline talked less about Pierre unless it was to complain about how he worked too much. Willy claimed he had tossed his charm into the sea, Linus didn't have one for some reason either. Marlon refused to tell you about his when you asked one day, buying a new glow ring since your last one had gone missing. You hadn't asked anyone else about their soulmates. It seemed a bit too personal when you weren't great friends with too many people yet.

Time flew by in your second year, too. You were even busier tending to more crops, going deeper in the mines, and caring for your animals. You also grew much closer to Abigail, Sam, and Sebastian, occasionally joining them to watch them practice when you weren't working or playing the harp with Abigail during the warmer seasons in the mountain.

An autumn one night as you were leaving the beach, you caught Abigail in the graveyard. After chatting for a few moments and showing her the one you always kept with you, in case of monsters, Pierre appeared to tell Abigail Caroline wanted her to help with dinner. You ran after her when she fled the scene and continued to talk about the mines and all the creatures you've encountered. You leave out the fact that you actually kill them.

And the year ends, almost as quickly as the first.

Spring in your third year shook you a bit when Grandpa appeared, evaluating your work and achievements over the last two years. He didn't seem too impressed, which put a damper on your mood at the start of the season.

What did improve your mood though was when one morning you woke up and found a letter from Abigail in your mailbox. Your heart skipped a beat as you read and saw she signed it as 'Abby', something you thought adorable, and you made a mental note to visit her later.

Over the last two years, you had gotten particularly close to Abigail. You loved listening to her talk, enjoyed seeing her eyes dance in excitement as you presented a jewel to her, or told her about one of your adventures… you ended up making it a habit to stop by and say hello when she was in her room, but it'd been a while since you visited her. There was an extra bounce in your step as you got to work.

After a long day of tending to the farm and sparing a trip to the beach to fish, you had almost forgotten to visit Abigail until you saw the letter on your table. You made your way to Pierre's store and walked in just before it was gonna close, and grinned as Abigail pulled you into her room.

She shows off the spirit board she has, and you listen to her explain the multitude of things on it. It isn't until you ask about a certain message - one with some things you can't really read from your place but you do see a drawing of a circle cracked down the middle, lines swirling together from both sides, half of it you think you recognize - and her face flushes a deep red and her words start to fumble until she just rushes you out, bidding you goodnight. You blink as the door to her room slams closed and glance around. Neither of her parents seemed to be around, and you notice it's gotten late, so you make your way home, still confused about what all that was about.

You were about to start on your chores when you were startled by Abigail on your doorstep. She apologized for the night before, and you're still very confused and reassure her it's alright but you don't know if she heard you since she left the farm as soon as she apologized.

It isn't until you're done with feeding your animals and watering your crops do you realize what the drawing on the spirit board was. And why you pointed out that message in particular.

Trying to remember the drawing to the best of your ability, you look down at the charm around your neck. You curse under your breath as you quickly put away your tools and run down the path to Pierre's store. You're pretty sure Abigail will be there, but first you think you should buy something, so you hope Abigail is at least in her room.

Even if your charms didn't match, didn't fit together perfectly… you don't really care. You hoped you weren't jumping to conclusions as you caught your breath, walking into Pierre's store and walking right up to the business man. You smiled as usual, but kept your voice down.

"Is Abigail here?" You ask, and Pierre shakes his head.

"Up by Robin's, I believe. Why, if I may ask?"

You shake your head. "No reason, just... wanted her input on something." You grab some money from your pocket, and lay it on the counter. "But I also wanted to buy something."

After buying what you wanted from Pierre, you force yourself not to rush to the mountain lake where you were told Abigail would be. Looking at your watch, you guessed she was playing her flute, or maybe just sitting under one of the trees.

And once you get there, your mouth runs dry as you approach the purple-haired girl, lost in her own world as she plays her instrument. You take a deep breath, and smile as you tap her shoulder, one hand kept behind your back.

She seems startled, but relaxes as soon as her thoughts catch up and she smiles gently. "Sorry, I didn't expect to see you today. You don't usually come up here on Wednesdays…"

You shrug. "I wanted to talk to you, about what I saw yesterday. And I wanted to ask you something." You watch as her face dusts crimson again, and she doesn't meet your eyes. "I'll leave if you don't want to talk about it, though. And I won't bring it up again if you're uncomfortable with me doing so."

She fiddles with the flute in her hands, playing a silent song with it, maybe to calm any nerves. Abigail had been hoping you wouldn't pursue the topic. But she should've guessed you'd want to talk about it.

"... Alright."

You smile reassuringly, even though you know she isn't watching you. "You doodled our soul charms together, that's what that message was about." Abigail nods.

"I forgot I had it up there, until you pointed it out." She exhales slowly, finally meets your eyes and she relaxes when she finds no disgust in them. "I've done it before, a few times only though, with small crushes on the kids in school… they never ended up being my soulmate, though. So I stopped checking, but still doodled soul charms with mine anyway."

"So, you have a crush on me?" You ask, smile never faltering, your grip on the object behind you tightening just a bit more.

Her face turns a slightly deeper shade of red, and she nods.

"Then, do you want to try dating?"

Abigail's brows furrow, and she's about to ask what you mean until there's a bouquet in front of her. She recognizes it instantly, having helped her father put the bouquet together, and she stumbles over her words for a moment.

"But- but what about our- the charms? You don't want to see if they match?"

You shrug. "If you want, we can definitely see. But even if we weren't soulmates, I would wanna try dating."

Abigail stares at you in silence for a moment, mouth agape as she tries to think of what she wants to say. "But what about our actual soulmates, then?" She asks finally.

"People don't always get together with their soulmate. I mean, just look at Sebastian's parents."

She seems like she's about to say something against that, but changes her mind, and finally, Abigail nods. "Alright."

You brighten a bit. "You'd like to go out?"

Abigail nods again, smile widening as you pass her the flowers and she holds them to her chest. "You picked out one of my favorites."

"Yeah, it was hard getting your dad to stop talking about which ones were the best to try and see if you had told him which ones you liked most." She laughs at that, nodding in understanding. When her laughter dies down, you tilt your head and tap where your soul charm is. "Do you want to see if they match?"

Abigail stares at the charm resting on your chest for a moment before she reaches towards her own, tugging it out from under her shirt and she nods, holding it up. You step close and bring yours up to meet hers.

They fit together perfectly.

#Stardew valley #sdv #sdv abigail #Abigail/player #Abigail/farmer #sdv farmer #sdv player #fanfic #soulmate au #fluff #alternate universe #amberskywrites #ambersky

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dfroza · 2 years ago

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“They’ll turn their backs on truth and chase mirages.

But you—keep your eye on what you’re doing; accept the hard times along with the good; keep the Message alive…”

A line from The Message translation in Today’s reading of the Scriptures from the New Testament with the 4th and closing chapter of the book of 2nd Timothy, here in The Voice:

And now I bring you this charge before God and Jesus the Anointed, the one destined to judge the living and the dead, at His glorious appearance and His kingdom: go out and preach the word! Go whether it’s an opportune time or not! Reprove, warn, and encourage; but do so with all the patience and instruction needed to fulfill your calling because a time will come when some will no longer tolerate sound teaching. Instead, they will live by their own desires; they’ll scratch their itching ears by surrounding themselves with teachers who approve of their lifestyles and tell them what they want to hear. They will turn away from the real truth you have to offer because they prefer the sound of fables and myths. But you must stay focused and be alert at all times. Tolerate suffering. Accomplish the good work of an evangelist, and complete the ministry to which you have been called.

For I am already being poured out, and the last drops of this drink offering are all that remain; it’s almost time for me to leave. I have fought the good fight, I have stayed on course and finished the race, and through it all, I have kept believing. I look forward to what’s in store for me: a crown of righteousness that the Lord—the always right and just judge—will give me that day (but it is not only for me, but for all those who love and long for His appearing).

Come to me, Timothy, as soon as you can. You see, Demas has fallen for this world, abandoned me, and headed off to Thessalonica. Crescens took off for Galatia. Titus has gone to Dalmatia. Luke is the only one left. Bring Mark with you because he is useful in this work and will help look after me. I sent Tychicus to Ephesus. On your way here, pick up the cloak I left with Carpus in Troas, and bring the scrolls—especially the parchments.

Keep your eye out for Alexander the coppersmith! He came against me with all sorts of evil—may the Lord pay him back accordingly— so watch your back because he has gone overboard to oppose our message.

When it was time for my first defense, no one showed up to support me. Everyone abandoned me (may it not be held against them) except the Lord. He stood by me, strengthened me, and backed the truth I proclaimed with power so it may be heard by all the non-Jews. He rescued me, pried open the lion’s jaw, and snatched me from its teeth. And I know the Lord will continue to rescue me from every trip, trap, snare, and pitfall of evil and carry me safely to His heavenly kingdom. May He be glorified throughout eternity. Amen.

Give my regards to Prisca, Aquila, and everyone over at Onesiphorus’s house. Erastus stayed in Corinth, and I left Trophimus in Miletus because he was sick. Try your best to come before winter blows in. Eubulus says hello and so do Pudens, Linus, Claudia, and all the brothers and sisters. May the Lord be with your spirit, and may His grace be with you. [Amen.]

The Letter of 2nd Timothy, Chapter 4 (The Voice)

Today’s paired chapter of the Testaments is the 22nd chapter of the book of Leviticus that continues with rules for priests and animal offerings which is how God chose to lay a path of sacrifice that led up to the Son being the ultimate sacrifice for sin through the shedding of pure and sacred Blood on the cross of a Tree, putting an end to all such sacrifice under the old covenant by opening (A new covenant of grace):

God spoke to Moses: “Tell Aaron and his sons to treat the holy offerings that the Israelites consecrate to me with reverence so they won’t desecrate my holy name. I am God.

“Tell them, From now on, if any of your descendants approaches in a state of ritual uncleanness the holy offerings that the Israelites consecrate to God, he will be cut off from my presence. I am God.

“Each and every one of Aaron’s descendants who has an infectious skin disease or a discharge may not eat any of the holy offerings until he is clean. Also, if he touches anything defiled by a corpse, or has an emission of semen, or is contaminated by touching a crawling creature, or touches a person who is contaminated for whatever reason—a person who touches any such thing will be ritually unclean until evening and may not eat any of the holy offerings unless he has washed well with water. After the sun goes down he is clean and may go ahead and eat the holy offerings; they are his food. But he must not contaminate himself by eating anything found dead or torn by wild animals. I am God.

“The priests must observe my instructions lest they become guilty and die by treating the offerings with irreverence. I am God who makes them holy.

“No layperson may eat anything set apart as holy. Nor may a priest’s guest or his hired hand eat anything holy. But if a priest buys a slave, the slave may eat of it; also the slaves born in his house may eat his food. If a priest’s daughter marries a layperson, she may no longer eat from the holy contributions. But if the priest’s daughter is widowed or divorced and without children and returns to her father’s household as before, she may eat of her father’s food. But no layperson may eat of it.

“If anyone eats from a holy offering accidentally, he must give back the holy offering to the priest and add twenty percent to it.

“The priests must not treat with irreverence the holy offerings of the Israelites that they contribute to God lest they desecrate themselves and make themselves guilty when they eat the holy offerings. I am God who makes them holy.”

* * *

God spoke to Moses: “Tell Aaron and his sons and all the People of Israel, Each and every one of you, whether native born or foreigner, who presents a Whole-Burnt-Offering to God to fulfill a vow or as a Freewill-Offering, must make sure that it is a male without defect from cattle, sheep, or goats for it to be acceptable. Don’t try slipping in some creature that has a defect—it won’t be accepted. Whenever anyone brings an offering from cattle or sheep as a Peace-Offering to God to fulfill a vow or as a Freewill-Offering, it has to be perfect, without defect, to be acceptable. Don’t try giving God an animal that is blind, crippled, mutilated, an animal with running sores, a rash, or mange. Don’t place any of these on the Altar as a gift to God. You may, though, offer an ox or sheep that is deformed or stunted as a Freewill-Offering, but it is not acceptable in fulfilling a vow. Don’t offer to God an animal with bruised, crushed, torn, or cut-off testicles. Don’t do this in your own land but don’t accept them from foreigners and present them as food for your God either. Because of deformities and defects they will not be acceptable.”

God spoke to Moses: “When a calf or lamb or goat is born, it is to stay with its mother for seven days. After the eighth day, it is acceptable as an offering, a gift to God. Don’t slaughter both a cow or ewe and its young on the same day. When you sacrifice a Thanksgiving-Offering to God, do it right so it will be acceptable. Eat it on the same day; don’t leave any leftovers until morning. I am God.

“Do what I tell you; live what I tell you. I am God.

“Don’t desecrate my holy name. I insist on being treated with holy reverence among the People of Israel. I am God who makes you holy and brought you out of Egypt to be your God. I am God.”

The Book of Leviticus, Chapter 22 (The Message)

A link to my personal reading of the Scriptures for Sunday, june 5 of 2022 with a paired chapter from each Testament of the Bible along with Today’s Proverbs and Psalms

A post by John Parsons that takes a closer look at Shavuot:

Shavuot, or the Feast of Weeks (חג השבועות), begins this Saturday at sundown... Chag Shavuot Sameach, chaverim!

====

Some people believe that the ultimate fulfillment of the holiday of Shavuot (i.e., “Weeks” or “Pentecost”) is found in the mysterious catching away (ἁρπάζω, harpazo) of believers before the time of the “Great Tribulation” and the Great Day of the LORD (1 Thess. 4:17; John 14:3; 1 Cor. 15:51-52). They reason that since Shavuot marked the day of dramatic revelation, with signs of fire and the sounds of a heavenly shofar blast, an appointed time that marks the jubilee fulfillment of Passover, it can therefore be seen as the rapturous end of redemption for those who believe, symbolic of a wedding day, when God betrothed Israel as His own people, separate from all others. Both Jew and Gentile will be "waved" before the LORD (as symbolized by shtei ha-lechem, the two loaves), representing the "one new man" of kallat Mashiach, the "bride of Messiah," or the assembly of those called out from every tribe and tongue to be a part of God’s heavenly kingdom.

Though no one knows the day or hour of the return of Yeshua our Messiah (see Matt. 24:36; Acts 1:7), there are clues given in Scripture about the conditions of the world before His return, and Yeshua himself gave us parables admonishing us to actively be looking (Matt. 24:2-14; 25:1-13). The Apostle Paul said that followers of the Lord can know the “season” of Messiah’s return, and warned that He will come “as a thief in the night” - not in the revelation of great power and glory at the end of the age (1 Thess. 5:2-6). Moreover, Paul forewarned of the rise of worldwide godlessness (2 Tim. 3:1-7) and even of the flagrant apostasy of the “institutionalized” church (1 Tim. 4:1-3), which is of course evident today... Other Scriptures foretell of the coming One World Government, the rise of the Messiah of evil (Antichrist) whose “god” will be the “security state” (Dan. 11:38), the persecution of the national Israel (a nation miraculously restored to the promised land), the rebuilding of the Temple, the coming Great Tribulation, and so on. “When these things begin to take place, straighten up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is drawing near" (Luke 21:28).

Regarding the “world system,” however, we have quite a different vision... The LORD God Almighty has vowed to break the pride of the "kings of the earth" with a rod of iron and dash them in pieces like a potter's vessel, and the shattering will be so ruthless that among its fragments not a shard will be found with which to take fire from the hearth, or to dip up water out of the cistern (Psalm 2:9; Isa. 30:14). For from His mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and He will rule them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty (Rev. 19:15). Nebuchadnezzar's great dream will soon be fulfilled: "As you looked, a Stone was cut out by no human hand, and it struck the image on its feet of iron and clay, breaking them in pieces. Then the iron, the clay, the bronze, the silver, and the gold, all together were broken in pieces, and became like the chaff of the summer threshing floors; and the wind carried them away, so that not a trace of them could be found. But the stone that struck the image became a great mountain and filled the whole earth" (Dan. 2:34-35). "And the God of heaven will set up a kingdom that shall never be destroyed ... and it shall stand forever" (Dan. 2:44). One day the edifice of man's godless pride will come crashing down, and there will be no trace left of its rubble... Amen; even so, come quickly, Lord! [Hebrew for Christians]

6.3.22 • Facebook

Today’s message (Days of Praise) from the Institute for Creation Research

June 5, 2022

The Gardens of the Lord

“When Jesus had spoken these words, he went forth with his disciples over the brook Cedron, where was a garden, into the which he entered, and his disciples.” (John 18:1)

As Jesus, after the last supper with His disciples, walked out with them, they soon crossed over a small brook and entered the little garden called Gethsemane. Eventually, He left the disciples and went farther into the garden alone for a time of solitary prayer.

Perhaps He remembered how, long ago, He had walked in His first garden with Adam and Eve in beautiful fellowship. But then they had rebelled against His Word and had to be expelled from the Garden of Eden, leaving Him alone there also (Genesis 3:8).

As He prayed in Gethsemane, He knew that it would be only a few hours before He would be buried in still another garden, one “wherein was never man yet laid” (John 19:41). He would be carried to a new tomb prepared in a newly planted garden by the loving hands of Joseph and Nicodemus, but then He would be alone once again.

He had walked alone in the first garden, seeking His own; then had knelt alone in the second garden, praying for His own; and finally was buried alone in the third garden, after dying for His own.

But because He came “to seek and to save that which is lost” (Luke 19:10), and because He now “ever liveth to make intercession for them” (Hebrews 7:25) after paying the awful price of “redemption through his blood” (Ephesians 1:7), all those who believe and trust Him will spend eternity in fellowship with Him in a beautiful garden city. Here flows “a pure river of water of life” surrounded on both sides by “the tree of life, which bare twelve manner of fruits, and yielded her fruit every month” (Revelation 22:1-2), and all will be “very good” forever. HMM

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djevsmev · 5 years ago

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Episode 1: Sh*t gets real

HELLO!

I hope you’re all keeping inside and keeping well.

Well, today it began, and it took ages. Let’s say it was an experience to learn, and to grow. First of all, I dug out the boxes of 7″ singles. Here they are:

Stored lovingly in line with What Hi-Fi guidelines.

Whilst digging them out, I also found the sheet music for the theme from “Cheers” so that’s something to learn.

Elite series.

Next, I realised I bought far fewer records than I thought I had. Far fewer. “But wait!” you say, “There seems to be a lot of vinyl there.” Well yes, there is, but most of it I inherited and forgotten I had. There’s a ton of stuff that I think are my parents’ and Aunty and Uncles’, but there’s also a whole lot of other stuff for reasons we’ll come to later.

Also, in my head I’ve been giving it “Aw, I’m a vinyl guy, I’ve always been a vinyl guy, it’s the format of my SOUL” but let me tell you, it’s remarkably tricky to tell which is the A-side and which is the B-side at first glance. I am no more a vinyl guy, than I am a skater because when I was 10 I used to go down the hill outside my house on my Argos skateboard until I fell off and thought “sod this.”

But with all that in mind, LET’S BEGIN!

VINCE GUARALDI TRIO - LINUS AND LUCY

Yes, let’s begin with an album track, totally contrary to the whole exercise. But it was on my turntable and I thought I better start with something good. I heard this as Amy Lamé uses it as a bed on her 6Music show, and it’s great. My sister got me this cracking LP for my Christmas. It’s about as jazzy as I get, but I love it.

THE DREAM ACADEMY - LIFE IN A NORTHERN TOWN

Saw this, wanted to hear it. What a tune. I didn’t buy this, this comes in to the “where I got other vinyl” I mentioned earlier. Basically, I remembered that I kind of became the repository for my parents’ friends’ old record collections. “So and so is chucking out all their old records, do you want them?” that sort of thing. I’d say yes, obviously, because getting things is good, and there we have it.

JIVE BUNNY AND THE MASTERMIXERS - THAT’S WHAT I LIKE

This is definitely mine. You can see because young Evan has put a sticker on the front so you definitely know. There was a reason I did that but I’ll save that for another blog. There’s a lot of #content required to fill this lockdown. And besides, the rest of the cover offers so much to take in. Just wow. They were different times, my word, were they different times. Jesus. (In fairness to the tune, whilst making everything up is obviously an abomination, there are so many bangers that I don’t think I would have known were it not for this. I hate to say it, it’s better than I thought it would be. Still, that cover. Best move on.)

STEPHEN MALKMUS - JENNY & THE ESS-DOG

It’s Malkmus, it’s not as good as Pavement, but it’s definitely worth 99p - staff discount. I’ll have that thank you, and listening back it’s definitely worth 74p of anyone’s money.

R.J. AND THE FAMILY - GLORIA

Woo! Yeah! Wow! Yeah!

This is what reminded me of the donations. I recognised the sleeve instantly but couldn’t remember listening to it. Turns out it’s a 90s dance version of the Van Morrison classic. The world was crying out for it.

EVA - SOLO

Eva were a cracking band that did the rounds in Glasgow (and beyond) in the early 2000s. They were also thoroughly nice people we got know through gigging & drinking in Nice and Sleazy, as every music fan in Glasgow tends to do quite a lot in their late teens and 20s. If you think the ending is wonky, it’s because my record player fucks it: the single’s so long the arm gets too close to the middle of the record and the automatics stop kicked in and lifted off. Sorry Eva.

ERASURE - BLUE SAVANNAH

I was probably about 9 when I bought this. It’s not an Erasure song that’s particularly famous so I thought I’ll have a listen and see if it stands up. I can report I still like it.

AMY GRANT - BABY BABY

I think my sister bought this. Even though I had the record player! Unbelievable! But I played the long game and now it’s mine, so who’s the big winner, mmm? Not bitter. Nice tune though. Runs out of steam a bit at the end, but that’s OK.

GENE PITNEY - SOMETHING’S GOTTEN HOLD OF MY HEART

Found it in the parents’ pile. Absolute banger. Wanted to hear it. Went in the mix. Easy.

PARIAH - SLEEPS WITH CACTII

The band I was in at Uni! Some might say that’s self-indulgent, but Jesus, I’m writing a blog about my own tastes; what did you expect? This was the B-side that I always liked. Still think it’s a lovely tune. I’ll stick the A-side on another day as I want to hear how that sounds too.

SUPER FURRY ANIMALS - FIRE IN MY HEART

Another cheapy. Another good tune. Worth it for the artwork alone. This was going to be the last tune today, but then I found...

ROARING BOYS - EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY

The Roaring Boys? Who? No idea, but there was no way I wasn’t going to give this a go. THE ROARING BOYS! From 1985. In fairness, I thought this was going to be terrible, but I quite like it. It would sit happily in pretty much any mid-budget 80s rom-com, as long as it wasn't a crucial scene. Fair play to the Boys.

STATUS QUO - DOWN DOWN

Thought I better finish on a banger, and this is a banger. Absolute tune. We once did a gig in London and one of the band did a mixtape for the van down. This was the opener. Our pal who’d volunteered to drive us (he was old enough to rent a van) heard the opening chords and just screamed something like “FUCKING YES! THE QUO!” and cranked the volume. Ahhhh youth.

And there we have it. Hopefully the levels are all right and I think I got a bit carried away so the next one won’t be quite so long. A bit indulgent, but this whole thing is so hey ho.

Now let’s see if the audio player embeds...

Cheers,

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pachathegreat · 7 years ago

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Day 1: It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

Hello and welcome to the first night of The Shinning 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO! Now to be referenced as merely The Shinning! I’ll start this off by explaining what the theme for this week is and moving on to tonight’s feature film!

This first week is titled CHILD’S PLAY and deals with kids movies based on Halloween or are more...shall we say scary for kids? (if you’ve seen The Witches, then y’know what I mean). I picked this week cause as much as I love Halloween, I don’t want to get into the gruesome and gory stuff just yet. Think of this a Halloween Lite. This is to ease you guys in, but still celebrate and enjoy the festivities.

Okay, now I got that out of the way, let’s get started!

We start off with the seminal classic of Charles Schultz’s ‘It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown’. I always wanna put an exclamation on that.

Released in 1966, it was produced and animated by Bill Melendez who had a long career in animation working for Disney (being part of some the early films such as Pinocchio and Fantasia) Warner Brothers and working on all the Peanuts films. He was also the voice of our beloved beagle Snoopy and little yellow bird, Woodstock.

The story isn’t very hard to follow, if anything, they play more like vignettes connected by the concept of Halloween, and more specifically Linus’ wait for the Great Pumpkin. Linus seems very much like, well, us. This entire site and it’s universal devotion to Halloween or at least the spirit it invokes in us.

He’s been waiting for this all year, writing to the Great Pumpkin as though it were Santa Claus. Though Linus doesn’t believe in Santa, he believes in a being resembling the idea of a benevolent gift bearer of children, his just comes on Halloween instead of Christmas.

Oddly enough, nearly everyone shits on poor Linus and his devotion to the Great Pumpkin. A bunch of 8 year olds are telling the 7 year old to grow up. And you feel for Linus, at first. I’ll get to that in a bit. Let’s get to the technical stuff.

This isn’t Don Bluth levels of animation, nor is it trying to be. It’s simple, but not shitty. I’m not sure how else to articulate that. They’re timeless, I don’t feel like it’s dated honestly. I know it’s old, but to be honest I wouldn’t recognize what year they’re trying to be in. I think that’s why so many of us like the Peanuts, they never really try to date themselves. They simply are, they’re just kids enjoying being kids (minus the occasional doubt of existential and depression, looking at you Chuck). Also the background is really pretty to me, not the houses in the background, but the night sky throughout the special.

I mean, lookit that. I’m impressed.

The writing in the Peanuts is always amazingly well written (to be honest I’ve only seen the classic stuff). The scene where Sally gets fed up with Linus is my favorite scene out of the special (”You owe me restitution!”). Even if it isn’t the witty dialogue, the famous “I got a rock...” scene is simple, but still makes me laugh.

The music is always delightful. It just soothes your soul. Play it Schroeder (Vive la révolution! Vive la France!). I’m not musically inclined, sorry I don’t have much input on that.

The film is honestly more about Linus than it is about Charlie Brown, sure he’s in it, but I feel this isn’t as heavy on the heart as Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown. It’s more of a feel good special. You take it for what it is and enjoy, it’s Halloween after all and why would you wanna be bummed out on Halloween? So let’s get to the end.

Remember when I said you felt for Linus at first. Well, part way through you kinda want him to give up on the Great Pumpkin and just go with his friends. At first you want the Great Pumpkin to show up, you honestly do. You want nothing more than for little Linus to see the rising whatever-it’s-suppose-to-look-like appear and reward Linus for his due diligence and compliment Linus on what a nice pumpkin patch he has. But it never shows up. Linus goes to sleep in the cold; waiting. And while he wasted his and Sally’s time waiting for something to reward them with candy and presents, the others went out, they enjoyed being kids, they got candy, they got treats, they went to a party and had fun. While they shat on Linus for being childish, they actually got to be children and have fun.

There’s an odd irony to it all in the end. Linus in waiting to be rewarded misses the real spirit of the Great Pumpkin and ends up cold in a pumpkin patch with his sister, Lucy, bringing him back in at the middle of the night. The next day Charlie Brown muses on Linus’ missed encounter only for Linus to rebuttal that he hasn’t learned a damn thing and he’s gonna do it all over again next year.

My only problem with the special is the Flying Ace scene with Snoopy, it’s still fun, but the first part of it seems very choppy and edited a little roughly. Once he’s “France” it goes back to the norm. That’s honestly my only complaint with this entire thing.

Also what the fuck is up with this line?

Lucy Van Pelt: All right, all right! Let's bob for apples! This is the way to do it.

Schroeder: Yeah, Lucy, you should be good at this. You have the perfect mouth for it.

Okay guys, that’s a wrap on the first day! Let me know if you liked it, either way I’m gonna keep doing this. Sorry I did it so late, I got out of work around 8, and honestly me writing took longer than the special. It’s still coming out Oct 1st for me (sorry to anyone east of California).

I’ll return tomorrow with ERNEST SCARED STUPID

#the shinning #the shinning (2017)#film #animation #it's the great pumpkin charlie brown #charlie brown #the peanuts #the peanuts gang #chales schultz #halloween

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animalsoffarmsanctuary · 7 years ago

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Relaxation, Fun, and Basking in the Sun: Farm Sanctuary Welcomes the Start of Summer!

This week marked the official start of summer, and our rescued residents are celebrating in style! For many of us, summertime is a beautiful opportunity to live life to the fullest — and during these warm, bright days, we’re inspired to savor the beauty that every moment brings.

This week, we’re checking in with some of the rescued residents of our Northern California Shelter, who are experiencing summer in full swing! When the temperatures soar, the heat can be a challenging force to be reckoned with. Our shelter staff is especially diligent during this time, ensuring that the animals stay cool and hydrated, no matter what comes our way. In this way, the animals can focus on what’s most important: living each moment to the fullest!

Hanging out in the nice cool mud: Reggie pig knows how to relax!

Some, like Fairy, prefer the comfort of a soft, cool barn.

Lola peeks up from her nap to say hello! There’s no better way to laze away these hot summer days than a refreshing nap in a cool, soft barn.

Across the sanctuary, Topanga sheep is also recharging with a little rest & relaxation!

Templeton rooster takes some time out to relax and recharge.

Safe at Farm Sanctuary, our rescued residents may experience the peace and love they deserve — and that includes some relaxing downtime with their loved ones, animal and “humanimal” alike!

A kiss for Whitaker steer, who just loves receiving affection!

Autumn shares some love (or perhaps some secrets?) with his pal Samson.

Now well rested, our friends are ready to take full advantage of all that these beautiful days have to offer.

A sleepy Reggie wakes up from his power nap, ready to take on the exciting adventures that the day brings.

Waylon donkey invites us to join him and pal Albert for a scrumptious plant-based meal.

Ferdinand pauses while enjoying a snack.

Adorable Aunt Bea relaxes in the barn.

Jitterbug cow fuels up for an exciting day of fun on the farm.

And of course, there’s nothing like some fun in the sun to inspire us to live life to the fullest, and appreciate the incredible potential that every moment brings.

Swoosie, Bill, and Mac goats poised for a beautiful day of fun in the sun.

Clark invites us to play! With those sweet, imploring eyes, how could we say no?

Best friends Marcia and Maurice are ready for adventure!

Marcia’s all smiles as she enjoys another day of Farm Sanctuary life! This girl is blind, but she doesn’t let that slow her down.

Samson and Aiden are ready to play.

Your compassion helps farm animals like Noel and Autumn get the “leg up” that they deserve, allowing them to truly live life to the fullest!

Across the country, our New York Shelter residents are also enjoying some fun in the warm summer sun! Thankfully, the weather here has not yet climbed to peak summer temperatures, so there’s still plenty of opportunities to make the most of this beautiful weather.

Honey pig *nose* a good friend when she sees one! We all deserve a second chance, and Honey’s experiences demonstrate how we may all thrive when we feel loved and valued.

Honey’s adopted sons Cameron and Ben David enjoy a snuggle in the barn! It’s customary for our explore.org fans to see the boys out and about while Honey naps indoors, but we were glad to get a glimpse of the boys’ naptime — after all, they’ve got to save up their energy for more playtime ahead!

Want to know another thing Honey’s excited about? New neighbors! At Farm Sanctuary, we strive to help our rescued residents achieve the greatest quality of life possible — providing individualized care designed to meet each animal’s physical and emotional needs. Each individual has a unique personality all his or her own — and with that comes unique needs and preferences. And sometimes, what has worked in the past might need to be adjusted to match the present moment. Due to some recent personality clashes, Julia pig and her daughter Diane recently moved into our main pig barn, where they reunited with two of Julia’s other daughters, Liza and Maggie. And Julia’s son Linus was introduced to some new roommates whose personalities better match his own. All are doing well after the move, and we’re thrilled to help all of our rescued residents attain the support they need to live their best lives possible.

Julia is all smiles in her new digs!

Diane is thriving in her new home, surrounded all of the joy and love that she deserves.

While summertime, for some, provides endless opportunities for some rest and relaxation, for others it’s all about playing hard! This week, mom Tilda goat accompanied her boys Thomas, Duncan, and Tove for a delightful family outing, beaming as they dove headfirst into Farm Sanctuary life.

Thomas, Tilda, and Duncan get a running start on the day’s adventures — and it makes our own hearts leap to see this family happy, healthy, and together.

With all of this practice, they’ll be ready to jump in a big pile of leaves by the time fall arrives!

Tilda's embracing the beautiful new life that her family will forever enjoy.

Brothers Tove and Thomas are growing big and strong.

Their neighbors in the herd next door are also “digging in” to Farm Sanctuary life! These incredible survivors inspire us to “take life by the horns” and live life to the fullest.

Earl’s all smiles as he savors a snack.

Henry enjoys his beautiful life at sanctuary.

Rescued from cruelty, Kagen has embraced his happy new life and inspires us to savor every bit of sweetness that comes our way.

Maggie will always be a kid to us, but in reality this special girl is growing very big and strong!

Friends who eat together, bleat together! Best pals Benedict and Chucky (Maggie’s dad!) savor a feast for two on this lovely summer day.

Benedict not only eats like a champ, but he gets around like one, too! This sweet boy is a fan favorite on our explore.org live cams, where he’s won many admirers through his resilience, love, and joy. “Benedict inspires me every single day,” says viewer Pockets Warhol. “He starts my day off with a positive attitude,” agrees fellow viewer SouthernGirl. Want to see more of this sweet boy? You can follow his adventures on the explore.org Turkey Cam!

Compassion gives us the tools we need to live our best lives possible — take it from Anna turkey, who inspires us to live life to the fullest.

A more compassionate world is something worth crowing about — take it from Chappie rooster, who inspires us to live life with pride.

Together, we can celebrate the beautiful lives all beings deserve. In the spirit of the season, we invite you to savor the moments that bring you joy, surrounded by those who help you live your best life. We wish you a beautiful season filled with warmth and light — a compassionate world begins with you!

Special thanks to photo intern Sarah for some of the beautiful photos you see today! Learn more about our internship program here.

#animals #animal rescue #animal rights #vegan #animal photography #northern california shelter #new york shelter #week in review

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canonloveinterest · 3 years ago

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It’s 5am and I’ll do this again but better later.

Foxtrot - early 30s and chronically ill, takes over the farm out of obligation rather than passion/escapism. He’s not fragile or Delicate but he is also not exactly one for harsh physical labor. Stubbornly struggles his way through with a few people taking pity on him and trying to help out. He doesn’t snub them or anything. It’s complicated.

Spends the first year in town not actively befriending much of anybody. He begrudgingly humors Lewis (feels less positive about him as time goes on, what with the whole tax dollars for gold statues and secret relationship thing), and is on decent terms with Linus, Alex and his family, and Gus by midway through his first year. Harvey is okay but he feels too awkward being chummy with the guy who knows everything about him. Makes an effort anyway when he realizes that that’s probably how a lot of people feel. The guy seems like he could do with more socializing, and he’s always down to test Foxtrot’s experiments in canning and pickling. Win-win. After a while he decides that since he’s not so great with farming, and animals are hard work, he might as well make himself useful some other way. He makes it a point to pick up groceries or make food for some of the people in town whenever they might need it. Since they’re kind of nice and some of them try to help out even if he doesn’t really need it.

Alex is sweet but he’s got such a one track mind that Foxtrot can’t hang out with him long. He can only handle so much testosterone. Still says hello every morning when he’s out messing with that dog, still goes in to see his grandparents. Evelyn is great, George is a trip and Foxtrot finds himself trying to approximate the recipe to this this leek soup his gran used to make to pass over to Evelyn.

By the time the second year rolls around and Kent comes home, Foxtrot strikes up not exactly a friendship but a mutual understanding. Kent makes a comment that his mom used to make some of whatever wrapped up dish Foxtrot brings over to the house — have to help out where you can, you know. Jodi taking care of two kids on her own for however long, at the most irritating ages to have boys, stressed out about her husband staying in one piece. She’s tired, and Fox likes her okay enough. Foxtrot takes notice of his attitude and not so subtly makes it a point to keep making it and bring more around every Thursday night. Eventually he asks Kent if he’d mind helping out on the farm. It’s at least a little more structured, getting up and having something to do, and being paid for it. Foxtrot doesn’t enjoy asking and Kent doesn’t exactly enjoy admitting he needs something to do, but it’s fine. Foxtrot doesn’t talk much but Kent tells a story here and there. Says Foxtrot’s name reminds him of something but doesn’t say what.

Hanging around Kent and Jodi’s means hanging around Sam and Vincent. Foxtrot is always willing to offer a flat, deadpan “nice” when Sam sort of successfully ollies over the trash can that he laid on its side out front. He also nearly chokes at dinner when Vincent calls him “uncle” but doesn’t correct him or anything as figures Vincent is being a little smartass.

Hanging around Sam and Vincent means hanging around their friends too, so he makes nice and acts cordial to Jas and Marnie. They’re good people. Shane is kind of a prick. They don’t cross paths much. But that’s fine.

Abigail and Sebastian are... weird. He was mostly just being a dick when he told them they should play “avant-garde noise pop” and is shocked when they go along with it and figure out how to make that work. He assumes there’s something going on with Abigail and Sebastian so he keeps his hands off for the longest, up until he’s helping clean up after dinner Thursday night and Sam asks him if he thinks Abigail and Sebastian would ever hook up. It’s weird to think about. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He asks Sam whether that would make band practice more or less weird and hopes he gets distracted before he can finish weighing the pros and cons.

Abigail confides in him her problems with her dad and he concedes that yeah, Pierre is kind of a dick. He’s just different. He’s “traditional”. Abigail asks what Foxtrot thinks about “traditional” and that’s weird to think about too. He doesn’t want to talk about “traditional”. He asks if she ever thought about doing witchcraft in the house and really showing the old man some oldschool traditions and she calls him an asshole.

Foxtrot hardly ever gets a chance to talk with Sebastian alone, not because he isn’t trying but because the bastard is always holed up in his little dungeon. And when he isn’t, Foxtrot has no clue where exactly he goes. It’s not like he’s trying to follow him or anything, it’s just kind of weird that Sam and Abigail hang around him on their own so much and he doesn’t even know what Sebastian does most of the time. He finally catches him strolling back to the house at 10pm in the pouring rain, casual as can be, and all he has to say is some shit about a frog and Foxtrot thinks about frogs of all things for a week straight and every time it rains after.

Oh my god I’ve been typing for a million years. I’m going to bed. When I come back you get to hear about SHANE and Foxtrot being a MORON LOSER who thinks about FROGS AND STUPID ASYMMETRICAL HAIRCUTS

On <medication>: sleep a straight 14 hours of the day. dead tired and irritable the other ten. hate everything and I never want to engage in my hobbies again.

Day 2 of <medication> leaving my system: I will never sleep again. Fun talking to friends. I want to write things. 2:47am, better come up with an intricate backstory for my stardew farmer

#me: I am going to give you so much lore #my farmer: I am literally a stack of fifteen pixels #THIS IS A MILLION PARAGRAPHS IF THE READMORE BREAKS YOU ARE ALLOWED TO COME KILL ME

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trendingnewsb · 7 years ago

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Hello, You Are The Monkey Detective. Can You Figure Out Which Monkey Stole Your Wine?

This feature requires JavaScript to function.

Your job is that you have to find the monkeys that do crimes and put them in jail or send them Donkey Heaven, which is hell for monkeys.

I already know about all that.

A fun bit of trivia about you is that your brain is in your foot. You had doctors put your brain in your foot so that you could get shot in the head without dying.

I already know that.

You have arrested many monkeys for doing crimes. This a villainous monkey named Mr. Slippers. Mr. Slippers committed insider trading on Wall Street, so you tracked him down and threw him in jail for 10,000 monkey years, which is equivalent to 86 billion human years.

I know the whole thing about that already.

This disgusting old pervert is named Mittens Supreme. In 1994 she was convicted of selling a 250-pound cube of cocaine to a human toddler. You used your skills as the Monkey Detective to track her down and put her behind bars for three ape hours, which is equivalent to 90,000 human years.

I knew about this story before I was even born.

And this psychotic geezer is named Linus Pucker. Linus Pucker committed two crimes. The first crime was illegally impersonating a cowboy. The second crime was assassinating the Austrian Archduke Franz Ferdinand, which started World War I. You tracked him down by following the clues, and you put him in prison for 45 ape seconds, which is equivalent to three human minutes.

I know about that too.

These are just a few of the monkey crimes you have solved during your career as the Monkey Detective. Now it is time to celebrate your success with a big glass of wine.

Go get yourself a big glass of wine.

You keep your wine in the trunk of this car. The car belongs to your neighbor, but he said you could store all your wine in there. He lets you do that because he is in love with you and he thinks that if he lets you hide your wine in his car, you will marry him.

Open up your trunk and drink a very big glass of a lot of wine.

Forget everything and go marry your neighbor.

Here is your neighbor’s house. Your neighbor has been in love with you ever since he saw you naked on the cover of Endlessly Naked Detective Magazine. He is sitting on the floor of his house right now, waiting to marry you.

Knock on your neighbor’s door and marry him.

You knock on the door of the house, and your neighbor comes out to greet you. Your neighbor’s name is Sir Laundry Tomorrow-Always, and he is a Knight of the Realm. You hear him being in love with you deep inside of his suit of armor. “Hello. Please have sex with my big honkin’ crotch for 1,000 days and nights,” says Sir Laundry Tomorrow-Always.

I will NEVER have sex with your big honkin’ crotch. I have come to marry you.

I just came by to say that I am not in love with you.

“Would you be in love with me if I gave you an extremely old computer?”

Yes.

No.

“Here is my old computer. It is from 1997.”

I am in love with you.

You decide to get married to your neighbor. You go down to the lake to see the Love Wizard. “What do you want?” the Love Wizard screams at you.

Can I be married to my neighbor?

“Sure, whatever!” the Love Wizard shrieks. “You are married now. Thank you for coming to my lake, and remember my motto: ‘There’s no maximum to the number of people you can be married to!’”

Okay, you’re married to your neighbor now. Better go drink your wine now.

Go drink a big gulp of wine from a gigantic big cup of wine.

You and your neighbor are married now, but neither of you care about it at all. You return to your neighbor’s car.

Open up the trunk and start drinking the wine.

Oh no.

Oh shit and hell…

WHERE IS YOUR WINE?

THE WINE IS GONE!

Holy fuck of piss! Some criminal has stolen your wine! Where is your incredible wine? Your hot nectar of juice? YOUR WINE??? YOUR BOILING-HOT SYRUP OF SAP??? WHERE HAS GONE TO YOUR WINE OF?????

WHERE’S THE WINE, ASSHOLE???? IT GOT STOLEN!!!!! THE WINE DID!!!! SOME TYPE OF CRIME-THIEF STOLE UP ALL THE WINE!!!!!!

SHRIEK WITH RAGE.

SCREAM WITH ANGUISH.

BELLOW WITH A COMBINATION OF PANIC AND LUST.

No! This is no time to be loud with a tantrum! You are a detective, and this is a crime scene. You need to search the crime scene for clues.

Search the crime scene for clues.

Check the trunk of the car one more time…

You look around the crime scene, and you see something familiar…something…yellow…

Investigate the yellow thing.

Just as you thought! Bananas! This is the famous yellow vegetable that gets eaten by monkeys! This means that the criminal who stole your wine was a monkey! And there’s only one person with the skills and expertise necessary to figure out which monkey stole your wine…

Who?

WHAT THE HELL OF SHIT??? WHERE HAS BECOME OF GONE AS OF YOUR WINE IS??? HOW COULD IT BE THIS FUCKED??? THE WINE IS JUNKED UP AND STOLEN AND MISSING, AND CRIMINALS THIEVED IT INTO OBLIVION!!! FUCK AND HECK!!! HOW DID IT BECOME GONE IN THIS MANNER???

SHRIEK WITH RAGE.

SCREAM WITH ANGUISH.

BELLOW WITH A COMBINATION OF PANIC AND LUST.

“Ah, shit. Then I guess I’m doomed to pine after you from a distance until the end of the world. It’s every knight’s worst nightmare,” says Sir Laundry Tomorrow-Always. “In the meantime, please feel free to continue storing your wine in the trunk of my car.” He closes the door, and you can hear him crying while he blasts the album Salad-Flavored Frown, Ranch-Flavored Tears by the legendary band The Gloomy Scoundrels. This is the album that Knights of the Realm are required by law to play when they have had their hearts broken.

Go back to Sir Laundry Tomorrow-Always’ car and drink your wine from his trunk.

You! The Monkey Detective! You must go find out which monkey stole your wine and either put them into jail or send them to Donkey Heaven, which is hell for monkeys!

It’s time to start investigating The Case of the Monkey Who Stole Your Wine!

Begin figuring out which monkey stole your wine.

It’s time to begin your investigation. To catch the nasty monkey that did thief stuff to your gorgeous wine, you’re going to need to go to the type of forest where monkeys live: the jungle.

Go to the jungle.

Good choice. Tons of monkeys live in the jungle. It’s one of the places where they like to hang out and be gross with each other. You are about to enter the jungle when all of a sudden you hear someone yell, “Wait! Don’t go in there, Monkey Detective!”

Turn around to see who it is.

You turn around and find yourself face to face with Natural Simon, the world’s most famous nature documentarian. Natural Simon has a show on the BBC called Skittles Safari, where Natural Simon finds the most exotic and beautiful animals in the world and feeds them Skittles to teach the world about which animals die when you feed them Skittles.

“Hello, Monkey Detective,” says Natural Simon. “I just want you to know that you better not interfere with too much nature in this big jungle right here that we’re both looking at. I’m going to be filming an episode of Skittles Safari, and I need you to stay away from all the animals so that I can feed Skittles to them in a natural way.”

Be quiet, Natural Simon. I need to go into the jungle so that I can figure out which monkey stole my wine.

Hey, Natural Simon, what happens to a buffalo when you feed it a big bucket of Skittles?

“You would know the answer to this if you watched my hourlong Christmas special, “Skittles Feasts On The American Plains.” I fed a buffalo a big bucket of Skittles, and the buffalo burped and then died. From this scientific experiment, we can conclude that when a buffalo eats a bucket of Skittles, it burps and then it dies. That is the magic of nature.”

Wow, that is truly beautiful to know. Thank you, Natural Simon.

I already knew that.

“Okay, whatever. I don’t care,” says Natural Simon. “Just make sure you don’t disturb nature too much.”

Nod and enter the jungle.

Give Natural Simon a kiss on the cheek.

“Please do not kiss me,” says Natural Simon. “When I became the host of my nature show, I had to swear a vow of celibacy to the BBC.”

Apologize to Natural Simon and enter the jungle.

Why did you have to swear a vow of celibacy to the BBC?

“In 1985, the legendary David Attenborough was shooting an episode of his popular nature documentary, Animals! Animals! Animals!” Natural Simon explains to you, “and he went up to a zebra and whispered, ‘My wife and I have sex all the time. Even on weekends.’ Listening to David Attenborough talk about his sex life made the zebra very upset, and so the zebra had no choice but to scream and run off a cliff and die. In order to avoid a similar disaster, the BBC has made everyone who appears on their channel take a vow of celibacy so that they can never make zebras commit frantic suicide by telling them how much sex they have.”

Thank Natural Simon for this wonderful story and enter the jungle.

You leave Natural Simon behind for the time being and enter the jungle.

The first person you meet in the jungle is Dennis the Lion. “Hello, Monkey Detective,” says Dennis the Lion.

Hello, Dennis. How are you doing?

WHERE IS MY GODDAMN WINE, YOU FUCK-PERSON? WHERE IS THE SWEET SAP OF STICKINESS? WHERE IS THE HOT JUICE OF DISGUSTING GROSS NECTAR OF SYRUP OF DELICIOUS WINE? THE HOT PURPLE WINE!!! WHERE’S THE WINE???

You thank Natural Simon for the wonderful story about David Attenborough driving a zebra insane with his erotic tales, and you enter the jungle.

The first person you meet in the jungle is Dennis the Lion. “Hello, Monkey Detective,” says Dennis the Lion.

Hello, Dennis. How are you doing?

“I’m doing fine, Monkey Detective,” says Dennis the Lion. “I just spent all afternoon watching a wasp lay its eggs in a caterpillar’s brain, and now I am waiting to die.”

That sounds like a wonderful way to spend your day.

I’m jealous of your perfect life.

It just doesn’t get any better than that, Dennis.

“Yes, it’s great. I cannot wait for my nest of eggs to hatch. How are you doing, Monkey Detective?”

Not so good. A monkey stole my wine.

“That’s terrible. Your mind must be insane with #WinePanic,” says Dennis the Lion.

Have you seen any suspicious monkeys that look like they might be hiding some stolen wine?

“As a matter of fact, I have seen a suspicious thing involving a monkey,” says Dennis the Lion. “One thing I saw is a famous monkey named Pervert-Pervert Gumbo walking into the jungle carrying a plastic bag of some kind. I couldn’t tell what was in the bag, but it smelled like it was stolen.”

Where can I find this Pervert-Pervert Gumbo?

“It just so happens that I know where Pervert-Pervert Gumbo’s secret #ApeLocation is, but why should I just tell you? Shouldn’t you do something nice for me before I tell you?”

No, you should just tell me where he lives.

“Oh, okay. Well, he lives in the River of Nasty Ideas. It’s just to the north of here.”

Travel north to the River of Nasty Ideas.

You travel north through the jungle’s nosy branches and thick old vines, and soon you arrive at the River of Nasty Ideas. This is where the monkey Pervert-Pervert Gumbo lives. He’s standing there with the grossest horrible smile plastered across his head. It is the grin of someone who has become happy because of something disgusting. He is terrible to know about.

“Monkeys and bugs can be…more than just friends,” says Pervert-Pervert Gumbo. He stares at you with his disgusting grin and splashes some river water around with his hands.

Okay, that’s great. I didn’t want to know about that.

Listen, you horrendous ape, what do you know about my stolen wine?

“Wine is the romance syrup,” says Pervert-Pervert Gumbo. “I have seen it…in my night’s dreams.”

Yes, but did you steal my wine?

“That depends…what does your wine look like?”

My wine is bottle-shaped.

My wine is yellow.

“Hm…I don’t remember seeing anything bottle-shaped recently,” says Pervert-Pervert Gumbo.

Are you sure you can’t remember anything?

Dennis the Lion says he saw you carrying a suspicious plastic bag. Why don’t you tell me a little bit about that?

“I do remember something! One time my brother got sick, so I ate his legs and so I also got sick. I was barfing everywhere, and I got to stay home from driving school.”

I meant, do you remember anything about seeing my stolen wine.

“Oh…no, I haven’t seen anything involving your wine recently,” says Pervert-Pervert Gumbo.

Dennis the Lion says he saw you carrying a suspicious plastic bag. Why don’t you tell me a little bit about that?

“Oh, this thing?” asks Pervert-Pervert Gumbo as he waves a plastic bag around over his head. “This is my Garbage Pouch! I found it in the trash, and now I wave it around over my head a lot to let people know that I’m the kind of monkey that loves garbage.”

Wait a minute, if all you do with your Garbage Pouch is wave it around, then why were you carrying something inside of it?

Your story checks out, Pervert-Pervert Gumbo. I’ll let you go back to being horrible in the river…but I’ll be keeping an eye on you.

“Oh, well, Dennis the Lion must have seen me carrying around my fish,” says Pervert-Pervert Gumbo. You see, every month I fill up my Garbage Pouch with a bunch of fish, and I carry the pouch around with me until the fish go rotten. When the fish go rotten, I celebrate by going to the bathroom. Then I dump the rotten fish off at a local elementary school so that the children can learn about how death makes everything smell bad. Then I fill up my Garbage Pouch with more fish, and the beautiful cycle begins anew.”

That’s a truly beautiful and moving story about the cycle of nature.

I have never heard of anything more horrible.

“Thank you.”

You are one of the worst monkeys I’ve ever met in my time as a Monkey Detective. Now I’m going to leave.

“I am an innocent angel,” says the disgusting monkey. “I am like Cupid, but even more naked and even more in a river. But I know about a nasty-bad monkey who maybe stole your wine!”

Who is it?

“Her name is Princess Neil Armstrong, and she is one of the most nasty-bad monkeys in the whole of the monkey world. I bet she’s the one who stole your wine! She lives in the jungle castle called Goose Manor.”

Go find the castle Goose Manor and interrogate Princess Neil Armstrong.

You leave behind the River of Nasty Ideas and venture into the jungle to find Goose Manor. As you’re leaving, you hear Pervert-Pervert Gumbo shout behind you, “Wait, Monkey Detective! I have one more very important thing to tell you!”

Ignore Pervert-Pervert Gumbo and keep walking.

Turn around to see what Pervert-Pervert Gumbo has to say.

You ignore Pervert-Pervert Gumbo and continue walking deeper into the jungle. “Please! Monkey Detective! Please listen to me! This is extremely important!”

Keep ignoring Pervert-Pervert and continue walking away.

Turn around to see what Pervert-Pervert Gumbo has to say.

You keep ignoring Pervert-Pervert Gumbo and keep walking deeper into the jungle. “Monkey Detective, the information I have is vital for you!” cries Pervert-Pervert Gumbo. “You’ll die without it! Please just listen to what I have to say!”

Keep ignoring Pervert-Pervert and continue walking away.

Turn around to see what Pervert-Pervert Gumbo has to say.

“Please! Monkey Detective! You need to listen to me! You need to turn around and hear what I have to say! The fate of your life hangs in the balance! The fate of the world hangs in the balance! Please listen to me!”

Disappear into the jungle and leave Pervert-Pervert Gumbo behind.

Turn around to see what Pervert-Pervert Gumbo has to say.

“Sometimes, monkeys and bugs start out as good friends, but then the monkeys and bugs start to feel things…beautiful romantic things…and the friendship between the monkeys and the bugs becomes…something more…and the monkeys and the bugs kiss each other and…they have sex with each other (a.k.a. fuck each other). The monkeys have sex with the cockroaches and the beetles and the mosquitos and the many other types of bugs that they used to be friends with, and sometimes a monkey’s driving teacher sees him having se